I hope you enjoyed the first week of the 30 day challenge. Hopefully by now you have written your affirmations and are repeating them daily. You should have finished your Declaration To Self and placed it somewhere you can review it often.

I know this is quite a bit of work but I promise you it’s worth it!

If you follow this series diligently it should set up a habit to prioritize your personal growth and healing throughout your life…which is so important.

Click here if you would like to listen to 30 Days To Empowered Self Week 2

Before we get into this week’s exercises I would like to announce what the prizes are for participating in the 30 Days To Empowered Self Challenge.

Since the Quanta Freedom Healing modules were released in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program in 2011, thousands of people have grown and benefitted from Quanta Freedom’s ability to heal and realign their emotions, energy and belief systems – which as we know suffered traumatically during narcissistic abuse.

I still receive countless emails every day telling me how much of a miracle Quanta Freedom Healing is, and how people can’t believe the literal life transformations that take place because of it.

The truth is I know Quanta Freedom Healing allows miracles to occur.

I use it on myself daily!

Since I returned from Bali I have been working on creating a brand new set of Quanta Freedom Healing Modules for people who have overcome the pain of narcissistic abuse. This is for the people who are ready to move forward and create an even more empowered sense of freedom and personal growth.

The new Quanta Freedom Healing modules will align your energy and belief systems with self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, deservedness, independency and interdependency, and the assertiveness to set and hold self-honouring boundaries.

These Quanta Freedom Healings will provide you with the next level of your healing and self-empowerment.

I am putting these 10 new modules together with the Empowered Self journaling eCourse and it will be released at the end of the 30 Days To Empowered Self.

I will be giving away the first 5 brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses in a draw at the end of the 30 days.

To go into the draw for one of these brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses all you need to do is post your progress questions at the end of each lesson in the comments below the article (you must answer each question in each of the four lessons).

Why You Need to Shift From Co-dependency to Independency

The human condition has programmed us to believe that our ‘power’ and ‘worth’ had to be provided by the levels of love, approval and success we received from outside of ourselves.

The problem with these beliefs is that we engage with life from a position of pain and fear (inner emptiness), rather than expressing fullness, confidence and healthy beliefs.

Rather than be in ‘the moment’ in our personal power, we carry the scars of the past (our unhealed wounds), and the consequent fear of the future. Inherently on the inside we feel powerless and unworthy, because we have not yet achieved what we want to achieve.

As a result of not yet establishing a solid sense of self, we need things to have certain outcomes in order to feel okay about ourself, and if they don’t we default back to feeling unlovable and unworthy.

When we render other people responsible for our wellbeing we hand our power over to them. We believe we can only feel valued and loved if these people are granting us the right amount of approval and love.

The amount which makes up for the approval and love we are not granting ourself.

The bigger our internal emptiness, the more neediness we will carry, the higher our expectations are of ‘being filled’ by others, and the more energy we require from others in order to feel ‘whole’.

Our entire emotional state can become precariously poised on how another person is or isn’t behaving towards us.

Rather than have high expectations and demands, you may instead accept the blame, have very poor boundaries, and do whatever it takes to keep this person in your life and try and gain this person’s approval. If you are being abused you may find it almost impossible to let go and honour and approve of yourself.

The motto of the co-dependent is: You are responsible for my emotional wellbeing because I don’t know how to take care of my own.

What this means is your life is reliant upon what others are or aren’t doing. You are prone to enmeshment and unhealthy emotional dependencies. Rather than be able to take responsibility and manage and heal your own painful feelings you make someone else responsible for them.

When they don’t take responsibility for your inner emptiness and pain you feel victimised, resentful and powerless.

If you continue this painful path and do not develop a solid sense of self you will continue to draw others with similar emptiness and pain into your life.

People can only grant us ‘more of ourself’, which means the energy of our emptiness and need to gain love and approval from the outside stops people wanting to connect to us fully, and / or sets up a dynamic whereby we will tolerate abuse and mistreatment from the people who do want to connect.

As a result of our fears of abandonment and rejection we try to model ourselves by navigating everything which is ‘going on’ for another person. By doing this we lose essential power and truth within ourself.

We then experience more pain and fear, and end up co-creating in these painful dynamics our biggest fears – more abandonment and rejection.

Where did we go wrong?

The truth is: we started from a place of not knowing or being our own source of fulfilment.

By entering into enmeshed relationships of trading external energy (I want you to take away my emptiness, unworthiness and pain for me) we lose even more pieces of ourself.

Theses relationships do not enhance the participants – they strip energy away. The power struggle of trying to make another person responsible for the way we feel becomes more and more pronounced from both sides.

Healthy relationships share and grow energy from a place of self-fullness, joy and authenticity.

Unhealthy relationships take and strip energy through force, pain, helplessness and manipulation.

So today, finally we are going to say “No More” to co-dependency! Together we are going to commit this week on rewriting our script and shifting from co-dependency to independency.

I’m going to help you become a solid source to yourself!

Day 1 – Awareness Exercise

This exercise is powerful – and incredibly revealing.

When I first started working on my co-dependency issues I ticked virtually every point on this list. I was shocked at how co-dependent I was! I had always thought that because I was intelligent, capable and ‘confident’ that I couldn’t be!

Until this point, a few years ago, I thought co-dependents were ‘flimsy’ people. Often this is far from the truth, and the exact opposite applies. Like myself many intelligent and capable people can have high-levels of co-dependent behaviour.

I know that if you too approach this exercise with great self-honesty, humility, and self-openness you will gain huge insight into why your life has been painful, and why it isn’t working out for you the way you would dearly like it to.

The wonderful thing is that by understanding what we are doing that isn’t serving us we can do something to turn it all around!

So please embrace this exercise whole-heartedly. It will be worth it if you do!

Go through the following list and give an honest answer to the following questions. A ‘Yes’ is applicable even if there is one person or a certain time (even if infrequent) that you may have or do that relevant thought, feeling or action.

• Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
• Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
• Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
• Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
• Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
• Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
• When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
• Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
• Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
• Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
• Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
• Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
• Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
• Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
• Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
• Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
• Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
• Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
• Do you to try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
• Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
• Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
• Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

It’s very important (as always) not to judge yourself, and feel ‘bad’ that you are co-dependent. We were all programmed to be this way.

In fact co-dependency is the ‘normal’ human condition (hence why the normal human condition is so painful).

Without self-awareness it would be virtually impossible for you to not be co-dependent. We were all taught to look to the outside. And told it was selfish not to!

Was it usual to have role models who encouraged self-love and how to be a solid and whole emotional source to ourself?

I think we know the answer to that is a resounding NO!

The truth is breaking free from co-dependency (as you will learn) has nothing to do with self-absorption, it is to do with self-awareness, which is essential in order to accept, know and relate to yourself healthily and THEN to be able to accept, know and relate to other people in healthy and real  win / win ways.

In fact the most self-absorbed people have a very poorly defined sense of self. This is exactly the reason why they struggle to relate to other people in genuine, healthy or mutually beneficial ways.

Without self-awareness, and becoming a solid source to yourself, you are not bringing a healthy or real person as yourself to any interaction.

Working on releasing your co-dependency tendencies is not only the most loving thing you can do for yourself, it will also create a much healthier truth for everyone in your life, and a greater and deeper connection with every person you interact with.

It will create relationships based on ‘realness’.

It is very important to not judge your results if you have many of these points ticked. Be really glad that you can identify where you are acting out co-dependently, so that you will be able to focus on healing these interactions.

Embrace your answers with openness and fascination, self-love and the intention to heal and set yourself free.

Boy will your life change when you start releasing this stuff!

Day 2-4 Releasing Co-Dependency Exercise

This exercise is the essential next step.

It is one thing to know where you are playing out co-dependency, but it is only through understanding why you do what you do that you are going to be able to truly change your behaviour.

How can we change our behaviour? The only real answer is – change your beliefs.

How do we change our beliefs? By going to our original wounds which set up our painful beliefs and making what was once unconscious now conscious.

To do Exercise 2 please go back to the co-dependent checklist and feel into each point that you answered as ‘Yes’.

Now feel into which of these points hurts the most. Which of these points causes the most pain in your life? Go down your list and rate the pain from a 1 – 10.

1 meaning I barely feel any pain, 10 meaning I am in agony!

Now re-write your list from the most to least painful.

Now starting with the most painful of your co-dependent behaviours ask yourself “Why do I do this?” and really feel into the pain when you ask yourself this question – take yourself into the pain without fear or self-judgement.

Your infinite inner wisdom will start granting you the answers.

You may have childhood memories come up regarding how your parents responded to you, or how your parents behaved themselves. Maybe a painful relationship has caused you to create adapted behaviour that isn’t serving you now.

Write down everything that comes up for you.

A simplified example is this one….

I find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when I feel uncomfortable. In response to this point something like this may come up for you.

‘I can see in my imagination now my father yelling at me, and sometimes he hit me when I had an opinion that was different to his. I also remember being told I was stupid or selfish if I didn’t agree with what my parents told me to do. I was taught that my opinion was irrelevant and worthless.’

Now ask yourself “What is my fear in regard to why I behave like this?”

This part is very important. It helps you get in touch with your fears and defences as to why you are handing over your power and truth. Just by exposing and getting very real with yourself about these fears they will loosen their grip on you.

You response may be something like this.

‘I fear being punished. I fear the pain of being told I am stupid and selfish. I am scared of people rejecting me, abandoning me and hurting me if I speak up.’

Now that you have the awareness of what areas of your life are co-dependent, and the fears associated with why you have been co-dependent, it is time to rewrite your script and develop your new independent behaviour.

To assist you to develop your new independent reality (which will we will be covering in Exercise 3) please read the following the mantras.

Independency Mantras

1. I am my own source of validation

It is essential to understand no-one is going to grant you the approval that you need to grant to yourself. If you judge yourself harshly – others will also. This means rather than being your own worst enemy you need to become much friendlier to yourself. You need to speak to yourself in ways that are self-approving, encouraging and loving. Close intimates in your life can only ultimately see and experience you as you see and experience yourself.

2. It’s no one’s job to give me my fulfillment but my own

If you believe your life can only be fulfilling with a love partner (as an example) then you are waiting for someone else to grant you yourself – which is impossible and will only create enmeshment, external power seeking, and ultimately more disappointment and emptiness.

Your total mission is to create your life, feel joy in your life, look after yourself in the ways you would like to live, and provide yourself with fulfilment and happiness. It is no-one else’s job.

Then you will share yourself healthily and lovingly with others, rather than leaning on them or trying to make them dependent on you in order to try and gain unauthentic energy and fulfilment.

No-one else can make you happy –  you and they can only share happiness.

3. It’s not my responsibility to fix others

Breaking free of co-dependency is the understanding that everyone’s journey is their journey regardless of what it looks like. If we attempt to fix other people this is generally born from the fear that our life will not be comfortable, safe or healthy unless we change what this other person is or isn’t doing.

Trying to fix other people never works. If they are not willing to take responsibility for themself, by us trying to take responsibility for them all we do is set ourselves up to have their unhealed parts projected on to us.

Releasing co-dependency is about living the model of unconditional love to yourself and others. It means allowing others to be who they choose to be and loving ourselves enough to be the director and creator of our own life.

4. Don’t take things personally

Of course constructive and even accurate criticism can be helpful in our life. However there are times in our life when other people’s comments, expectations and assessments of us can feel uncomfortable and even abusive. It is very important to understand that other people’s opinions and actions are just a projection of their own reality. This reality does not need to be your reality unless you choose to accept it.

5. My needs are my number 1 priority

This may sound selfish. But if you examine it closer you will see that it is actually the opposite.

Think of this – in an aeroplane you are instructed that in times of emergency you must put your oxygen mask on first, and then assist others with their mask.

There is a very good reason for this…

You cannot influence others in a positive or solid way unless you are WELL yourself.

If you are not healthy and well within yourself then your capacity to connect to and help others diminishes. To be able to fully experience the joy of serving others you must always ensure your emotional and physical wellbeing is catered to first.

6. Be solid within myself rather than trying to work out what everyone else wants me to be

If your energy and focus is placed outside of yourself you will always be ascertaining other people and then adapting yourself into who you think they want you to be.

As soon as your power is away from your centre and focused on what others are or aren’t doing, and how they are or aren’t responding to you, you will be anxious. You have lost the essential connection to your own power centre and emotional mastery.

By analysing others you will only create an uncomfortable energy exchange where not only you, but others will feel uneasy, scrutinised, and start pulling away from you, or will not feel that they can connect to and trust you.

Stop doing this and simply focus on being the best, healthiest and most comfortable with yourself that you can be – then you and others will flow, relate and connect so much easier because your energy will be comfortable, authentic, solid, easy and attractive to be around.

7. The only thing I can control is myself

You are your centre of influence. The truth is you don’t have any control over anything outside of your own thoughts, emotions and behaviours. This means that everything you try to control other than yourself is ultimately uncontrollable.

When you have a problem in your life seek to control your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours and let go of anything outside of your control.

This will reduce a lot of frustration and wasted effort.

I suggest you print out these mantras, and have them somewhere where you can refer to them often. Make the intention to adopt these truths as a way of life, and you will know you really do deserve to break free of painful co-dependency tendencies and empower yourself.

You are not healing just for yourself. You are healing to influence life and others in much more fulfilling and healthier ways.

Day 5-7 Rewriting the Script Exercise

Now it is time to consciously formulate a new and more empowered way of living.

Establishing new habits isn’t always easy and that’s why the last exercise is dedicated to practically formulating how you are going to instill your new independent way of living.

Once you have a clear plan of how you are going to change, it will make it much easier for you to bring these changes into reality.

As with all things that force us outside of our comfort zone, it might be scary at first, but I know you can do it!

Once again you are going to refer the questions you answered ‘Yes’ to in Question 1.

Refer to the independency mantras above and for each point you answered ‘Yes’ I want you to write in detail how you are going to emotionally and practically turn it around for yourself and begin acting from your own solid sense of self.

Write at least half a page for each question you answered ‘Yes’.

Example: I often say ‘yes’ even when I really want to say ‘no.’

‘When asked to do something for someone I will check in with myself, listen to my emotions and my level of comfort. I know there is no value in assisting others to the detriment of myself.

If I do have the time and resources to assist and the request is reasonable I will assist. My emotional navigation will allow me to know if this is the case.

If my emotional inner truth feels ‘wrong’ I know I will be depleting myself to say ‘Yes’ and / or if I did my motives are actually about earning approval from this person and self-sacrificing myself in order to do this.

I also know that if I say ‘Yes’ whilst feeling umbrage I set up unhealthy energy exchanges where I will feel let down if this person does not put themselves out for me in the future or does not reciprocate my self-sacrificial behaviour.

As such I am going to begin honouring myself, and my resources, and no longer engage in self-sacrificing behaviour in order to try to win love and approval.

I now know I am becoming my own source of approval, and I am no longer going to sabotage my own solidness with myself by approval seeking and going against my truth. If this person does not approve of me because I have not said ‘Yes’ that is fine, I am more than enough for myself.

I will be direct, not justify and will not make excuses for my answer. I will be calm and clear, without feeling guilty. If another time could work better for me I can say “I would love to help, but I have other commitments now, can I help another time?” If I simply am not comfortable with the request I will say “No, I really am not comfortable with that.”

By being a solid sense of self I know that people will honour my honesty and my boundary – and if they don’t then these are not the people I wish to have in my life. If people do not respect my boundary – I will still say “No” and chose to honour myself. I don’t have to make them agree, or ‘get’ me. It is important that I ‘get’ myself.’

Week 2 Progress Questions

I truly hope that you have enjoyed these exercises and received benefit from them.

I know this is a lot of work on self, and this will take up time and effort – but please know if we don’t go within we will go without…

How much time do we waste in life going around and around in the same painful circles. Years? Decades? Lifetimes? This is why work on yourself is such an incredible and worthwhile investment, and worth donating much time and effort to – absolutely.

The payoff is freedom, happiness, fulfilment, real love and all the good stuff!

After you have completed this week’s exercises please post your progress questions below to be eligible for the draw to win my brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course.

Exercise One:

Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

Exercise Two:

When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

Exercise Three:

How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

The responses for last’s weeks installment were fantastic! I am overjoyed by how many of you are committing to yourself and taking action in your personal growth.

Keep it up! Continue to dig deep, heal, create and claim the True You!

I’m so incredibly proud of you all!

I was thrilled with the response!

My suggested topics were highly requested:

1. Creating boundaries advice and practical exercises

2. Breaking free from co-dependency.

3. Creating real love with an authentic love partner

4 Achieving success in all areas of your life

But also I had some other fabulous requests:

5. How to build self-esteem and self-worth

6. How to master your emotions

7. How to speak your truth and hold your power with others

8. How to find an authentic love partner and how to tell a healthy person from a disordered one.

9. Learning to trust new potential love partners

Ask and you shall receive!

As such I am going to be emailing Empowered Life and Love members with new articles every two weeks on these topics from now on.

Please know that if you were one of the people who wrote back in regard to Narcissistic Abuse – truly  healing from Narcissistic Abuse is the first step you must take before creating your empowered self.

When we want to go forward in our life, we need to clean up the old ‘wreck’ in our garage before we can start driving the shiny new car in.

It is virtually impossible to create your True Self when you still have the old abused self still existing. If you are in this position, please make sure your foundations are correct before trying to build on that.

Don’t try to cover up you pain and fear by simply moving forward.

Your Inner Identity is not going to let you get away with that trick. Healing your unhealed parts regarding abuse and painful relationships is imperative to have a clean slate to build on.

If you have not as yet watched my videos regarding how your Inner Identity and peptide addiction keeps you stuck you can do so here:  Narcissistic Abuse – How It Occurs and How You Can Overcome It

If you are still struggling with narcissistic abuse it is really important that you focus on your recovery with the help of my New Life material and healing resources.

You can read the inspiring stories of others who have recovered from narcissistic abuse here.

These stories are incredible, powerful and incredibly inspirational and surpassed even my wildest expectations.

You too can experience this level of relief.

If you have not yet subscribed to New Life newsletter you can do so here: New Life Newsletter

For those of you that are ready to move forward from narcissistic abuse – these are the defining points:

• You are no longer feeling the obsessions and the pain.
• You will have boundaries and No Contact and / or Modified Contact in place, and you are starting to feel relief, space and freedom within yourself.
• You are ready to open up, expand and create your great life.

This is truly what this newsletter, Empowered Life and Love is going to focus on.

If you are not yet at this stage after narcissistic abuse, and you are struggling with your recovery the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program guides you through your recovery so that you will be ready to create your new empowered self.

This powerful Program focuses on healing you deeply and directly at your Inner Identity level, and this is why it consistently produces very powerful and very real results.

Now to expand further after coming out the other side from narcissistic abuse…

Why Almost All Humans Suffer From Co-dependency

Many people take offence to the term co-dependency, and there are many contemporary psychologists and counsellors who either veer away from this word, or state that people are simply trying to ‘label you’…or that because you weren’t in an alcoholic or substance abusing family that the term does not fit.

First I would like to address ‘shame with labels’. I truly do not subscribe to ‘shame’. I believe it is a futile emotion that takes us away from empowering ourself and not toward it.

I have discovered during my time as a healer, it is the people who are resistance to ‘labels’ who suffer the greatest ‘shame’ and resistance to accepting themselves unconditionally. These people often make the slowest progress, or no progress in breaking through to personal empowerment and their own emotional mastery.

I promise you I feel no ‘shame’ in declaring myself as a person who was severely co-dependent.

And I still have aspects of co-dependency that I continually work on to improve myself.

Why do I need to? Because I am human.

And the normal human state of unconsciousness is not growth and empowerment.

I much prefer to work on myself to break free from the normal human illusions that hurt – in order to be a creative and healthy conscious being.

And I know many of you are also committed with all of your heart! (Many of your reply emails supplied me great joy in realising this!)

Please understand my definition of co-dependency is spiritual – it is not clinical.

I believe co-dependency is a very effective term that describes Not being a True Self Source to ourself.

Here is my definition of co-dependency.

Co-dependency means we have been reliant on outside sources, people, things and approval to feel ‘okay’ and to feel ‘whole’.

For this reason I believe it is a standard human condition to be co-dependent, because none of us were taught ‘self’ – we were not taught to unconditionally love ourselves, accept ourselves, emotionally master or support ourselves, and we were all rendered powerless to have no option other than to seek support, comfort, love, stability, approval and validation from the ‘outside’.

We had no idea that we could ‘be’ and ‘create’ our own emotional state and ‘self’ – and then manifest the results in our life from within.

We were all conditioned to believe that we were powerless to control and create our own emotional state, and that it relied on results which happened in our life and what other people were or weren’t doing.

The Futility of These Beliefs

If you read my blog you will know I am a firm believer in Energetic Law and Law of Attraction.

When we understand Energetic Law we become aware of energy and how it creates real realities in our life.

We understand that everything we create as our experience in life comes from deep within us – at the levels of our belief systems and our emotional feelings that relate to anything in our life.

If we have defunct beliefs about ourself, life, love and others – then we create unfortunate realities that are aligned with those beliefs. We feel empty, afraid and insecure and then try to gain this fullness, safety and wholeness from ‘the outside’.

Inevitably this sets us up for dissatisfaction because when the outside stops providing us with the love, safety and fullness we require, we feel empty and ‘less than’.

We try to get great full, healthy, safe and whole results from an energetic manufacturing centre of fear, pain and emptiness. The only results we can ‘get’ are exactly the results of how we really felt about ourself, life, love and others.

We try to make other people define us – instead of defining ourself.

What I have discovered is, the people who embrace the true meaning of co-dependency and have no shame in admitting it (because truly I believe we all are), are the people who find the relief to realise why life has not been working for them , and make their recovery a true mission.

The true mission is – becoming a True Source to self.

What Is Our True Self

I’ll grant you my take on this –and I have seen the ‘truth’ of what I am about to state – time and time again.

And this is a deeply spiritual truth.

I believe – in fact I know your True Self already exists. It is already within you, and is simply waiting for you to uncover it.

I have seen countless times that when people clear away the pain, the false beliefs, and the illusions of life that have been hurting them – the result is always the same – they uncover the jewel which already exists inside them.

All of us have a natural state that just is. This just is part of ourselves knows how to love and accept ourself, define and create who we really are, be at peace, operate healthily, set boundaries, be whole and feel complete.

This is our goal. To uncover the ‘jewel’, the infinite part of ourself that is True Self – that is connected to life, source, love and wholeness. It is the part of us that feels ‘at one with ourself and at one with life’.

It is the part of us that is unconditional love, support and wisdom to ourself. It is the part that can say ‘no’ to what isn’t our truth, and know that we are unlimited enough to attract, create and wait for our truth – and feel whole in the meantime.

Everything you need is within you, you just need to clear away what is blocking you from remembering that.

Information Assists but What is the True Answer?

It really does all come back to ‘we can’t park a Ferrari over the top of a rusty old wreck’.

The greatest danger is to believe that you are an intellectual being and not an emotional / vibrational being.

Some of the most intellectual people in the world are highly co-dependent.

I know because I meet them all the time – and truly I was one of them also.

You cannot heal your fear and clear your false beliefs intellectually.

You cannot cover over the previous pain and just decide to learn and ‘do’ differently.

I believe it is impossible to merely reason yourself out of pain and false belief systems.

Last week’s article How To Change Your Behaviour Without Slipping Back Into Old Habits explains exactly why this doesn’t work.

You are a human ‘being’ – you are not a human ‘doing’.

Trying to just ‘do’ without working on your ‘being’ is self-defeating. Your inner being is still pointed in a direction of pain and fear and your mind is wrestling with your Inner Identity trying to make it ‘do’ something different.

The truth is it can’t.

This is why there is an enormous difference between reading information, and applying the information to yourself by doing the inner work.

I have met countless people (and again I was one of them) who read copious amounts of information, and even went to seminar upon seminar, but never applied this information to working on self.

These are the people who think that information alone makes the difference. It doesn’t. Information is simply knowledge. Information applied becomes much deeper than just knowledge – it becomes a part of you.

Information is simply information. Information applied becomes an experience of our being.

4 Steps to Overcoming Co-dependency and Becoming A True Source To Yourself

Step 1: Acknowledge you wish your life to be better, and the only way it will be is if you create yourself as ‘better’.

Step 2: Acknowledge that your previous beliefs about self, life, love and others could do with transformation – because they have not served you in relation to how you want to feel, who you wish to be, and the results you would like to produce in your life.

Acknowledge that you have been programmed or conditioned to believe your fullness had to come ‘from the outside’ and that you need to learn how to create it ‘from the inside’.

You may wish to acknowledge that this previous state you were living by – call it co-dependency, or any other ‘label’ you wish has not been working for you. Have absolutely no shame in this…

By accepting that you have had insecure, painful, broken and unhealed parts (which caused you to seek your self-definition from outside of you) you now can target and heal and transform them.

Step 3: Realise you need to get out of your intellect and stop merely seeking information without applying it. Accept that you need to find ways to go within yourself to heal and release the scared, insecure and broken parts of yourself. Know that you need to find the processes that will assist you with this. Steer clear of ‘information only’ processes that don’t go deep within you and address your being.

Step 4: Commit to changing your life by transforming yourself, and decide that you wish to feel whole, secure, safe and empowered regardless of what life and other people are or aren’t doing.

Please know that the articles that are going to now emerge in Empowered Life and Love are all about this – the serious and direct journey to becoming a Source to yourself, of breaking out of co-dependency, creating great boundaries and becoming the emotional master and creator of your great life.

I’d love you to share with me your thoughts, questions or comments about co-dependency.

We may experience this in many different forms. Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are their soul mate, that they truly love us, and they can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance. And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us, and is trying to rip us apart in property and custody battles.

These behaviours are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.

Of course this feels personal, and the narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear that we may have had about ourselves, namely I am not lovable and not worthy of being loved.

Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with a narcissist loved this person, and kept loving until it hurt – horrifically. We can agonise about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realisation that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.

In all of the people that I work with, and within my own narcissistic abuse experience, this situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past, and to come to terms with. We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought our love with this person was.

As human beings with a conscience, compassion and love to give, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving, or that they can profess love one minute, and do the exact opposite the next.

This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect and share our lives with another person. Loving and the being able to share love is as natural a desire for us as it is to breathe air.

When we look at our version of love we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept, why the narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.

Understanding Why the Narcissist is Incapable of Love

In order to come to terms with The Narcissist Never Loved You, you must understand why he or she acts the way narcissists do.

• The narcissist does not operate as what we know is a ‘normal’ human being.
• The narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork and co-operation into his or her life.
• The narcissist believes he or she has to remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
• The narcissist needs to dump his or her internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault in order to try to relieve his or her tormented inner self.
• The narcissist needs to steal energy (‘narcissistic supply’) in order to attempt to fill their own pain of inner emptiness.
• The narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy, and doesn’t have the resources to give energy once having secured much needed supply.
• The narcissist through damaging a person close to them, experiences the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
• The narcissist cannot genuinely feel love, but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
• Narcissists know that intimate people in their life, who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger, and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.

From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable. The following information may be confrontation, but the reason I am expressing what I am about to say is because it will help you understand what narcissism is…

If we are all honest with ourselves – we know that the times when we feel empty, worthless, scared and insecure that we may have acted in manipulative ways, and even hurt other people in order to try and feel better within ourselves.

Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty. If we live our life through a lens of fear and victimised feelings, we feel separate, unworthy and unlovable, and may act narcissistically when seeing other people as the enemy.

Hopefully these times are momentary, and because we have a conscience we often regret what we have done – and apologise and take responsibility. If we apply self-realisation, we realise that these tactics of fear, separation and egoic defence mechanisms do not procure healthy results, and accordingly we decide to grow up.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you were stuck in this programming with no way out? This is exactly the reality for the narcissist who has such an over-developed, fearful and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that the narcissist simply cannot operate in any other way. If he or she momentarily does, as soon as self-loathing and fear re-surfaces (which are the narcissist’s powerful inner drivers) the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.

Quite simply the narcissist can’t and doesn’t grow up.

You would have experienced this many times. Just when you think the narcissist gets it, takes responsibility for the poor behaviour and professes to change, My Hyde appears again, and you’re going back through the same abusive, non-sensical and mind-bending patterns. You continually feel like you are battling with an irrational 5 year old.

If you are really honest with yourself – you know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist is incapable of love, because the narcissist is incapable of loving and accepting his or her self. The enemy within becomes the enemy without – and everyone is the enemy because of this self-loathing – and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means you are the closest target on this list.

The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realising He or she never loved me, is the acceptance of the truth that a narcissist does what a narcissist does, because they are a narcissist.

The Truth will always set you free…

Your Soul Truth

(Feel into this…)

When we resist The Truth, our healing process cannot begin, because we try to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be’. ‘What is’ simply is – and denial means our emotions and life will keep beating us up until we accept the truth. Delusion, denial and non-acceptance are resistance which creates our self-disintegration, because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.

When we accept The Truth we finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.

One thing is for certain, you can’t make a narcissist love you, and in fact you can’t make anyone love you, you can only learn how to love yourself, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards you.

Like so many others I used to seek myself through others. I had numerous partners, even before the narcissist, whereby I only felt loved if they were loving me. I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself. As a result I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me, and stayed attached to them in this futile exercise.

When I realised The Truth, which all along was: This had always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.

No longer was I attracted to unavailable, addiction prone or narcissistic individuals. THEN healthy people that showed me genuine love became my reality.

I explain in detail how you can make this change in my eBook How to Recognise and Heal Co-dependency.

(Please note this eBook is included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program)

Additionally, you will learn how to reject people that don’t love you, rather than believing and feeling that it is you that is being rejected.

In order to get real love you must understand:

• It isn’t anyone else’s job to supply you with ‘love’, it’s your job.
• Your loveableness does not rely on any specific person’s level of love or non-love.
• When you don’t love and back yourself, you will rationalise away the warning signs, the pain and the abuse, and try to make an abusive person love you in order to feel whole.
• You haven’t previous to, and during this abuse, felt ‘enough’ or ‘lovable’ unless someone else was granting you love, and you felt rejected and unlovable when they weren’t.

Coming Home to Loving You

The Laws of Life and Energetic Reality is an absolute force and the foundation of all reality you experience. This system is undeniable, and can’t be shortcut.Your experience in life will only ever supply and provide you with what it is that you are supplying yourself.

The ‘gap’ that the narcissist was able to operate through is: You hadn’t yet learnt healthy boundaries, how to love and respect yourself fully, or how to let go of the ‘dream’ that someone else was going to provide your love and safety and inner fullness for you.

All of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, lovable and ‘enough’ as a result of another person confirming this for us. The truth is, we hadn’t as yet confirmed these essential ‘self commodities’ within ourself. We hadn’t realised the absolute need to genuinely love, respect and back ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.

The realisation ‘he or she never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity, and the way home to the love we really want to create in our life. The crippling pain (which is arguably like no other) has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.

When you do the work on this, you will know that it is irrelevant that the narcissist isn’t capable of love, in fact that is the narcissist’s issue and curse in life to bear (the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love), whereas you do have this ability, and you (unlike the narcissist) can turn your love experience around.

This is not about the narcissist – this was always about you. The narcissist was simply a catalyst showing you the truth.

When you do the work on your inner, a person who is incapable of love will not be your reality. You will no longer agonise over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and the wasted years of your effort and love, and you will come home to yourself genuinely and create genuine love in your life.

Your healing is the need to let go of the need to gain yourself through love from the narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving yourself.

You are capable of creating real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others. That is the life you deserve.

Once accepting and being at peace with ‘the narcissist didn’t love me’, you have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of giving you back to loving yourself.

Those of you that have come to terms that the narcissist never loved you, please share your stories and insight into how you overcame this hurdle.

It will help and inspire many to do the same.

Remember, you can always remain anonymous.