When you understand and become more versed on how narcissists operate, you begin to realise that narcissists project their disowned unacceptable parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.

Narcissists whittle, and blast away at your self-worth and self-belief, and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity, and it’s the narcissist that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of.

It is a fruitless battle….

Here are some of the common things that the narcissist will accuse you of being:

• Adulterous
• Non caring and incapable of being a loving partner
• A bad parent
• Materialistic
• A ‘gold digger’
• Competing with him or her
• Untrustworthy to confide in or go to for support
• Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification

…the list goes on and on, and of course you may be accused of

• Being a narcissist.

The Narcissist has Set You Up for Blame

If you have battled with co-dependency, over-functioning and poor boundary function you will be very susceptible to accepting the blame, or get caught up in trying to defend yourself against the blame.

The narcissists will use an example in the past however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons why he or she has this dirt on you. Before you know it you will be justifying yourself, and trying to argue your defence.

If you start expertly tackling this – then the narcissist will shift a gear, and bring in allies, real or imagined evidence from other people, or will hit you at your most vulnerable wound which renders you powerless. This may be ‘fear of abandonment’ as an example. The narcissist will infer the relationship is over, or actually state it and leave.

Effectively the narcissist has lined you up as the scapegoat for everything he or she is playing out, and because you have fought for your rights, and didn’t go along with the narcissist’s version of you (the projection used to stop them confronting their own stuff), the narcissist has punished you exactly where he or she knows it hurts the most.

Some people to avoid this destruction of being hit at their most fearful core and start accepting the blame, and actually start believing it! This is soul-destroying and is exactly how to lose your sense of self. The narcissist is relentless, he or she is an angry tormented child in an adult’s body without the capacity for remorse, accountability or conscience, and therefore even if you do accept the blame, and start believing you really are a horrible or defective person, the narcissist will not grant you any peace.

The narcissist is in constant inner turmoil with all sorts of ‘I’m not good enough’ stories running in his or her head that have to be transferred onto someone else in order to make that person ‘wrong’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’. The narcissist cannot emotionally survive any other way – and if you are the intimate partner no matter how much you just agree to keep the peace, the onslaughts don’t stop coming.

This is the model for people who are married to narcissists for years, and even decades. Sadly these are the people that have rolled over become the scapegoat and fade away and die inside.

The Narcissist Escalates until they Win

If you fight back, then inevitably the narcissist will take it to the next level to stay on top and preserve their monstrous ego. You will be lined up, attacked, and brutalised whilst the narcissist creates even more reason to create you as the scapegoat.

And as a result the narcissist can cause you to act in indecent ways, because hooking into crazy people make you act crazily…

Now you will be accused of:

• Not taking responsibility
• Projecting
• Not being accountable for your behaviour – which of course the narcissist will try to punish you and force accountability regarding
• Being false in the world, and hiding behind ‘yes’ people
• And more than likely if you have already been called a narcissist, now you will have become ‘a high-level narcissist’.

So you can see the worse the narcissist becomes in his or her projections on to you, the worse he will accuse you of everything that he or she is doing…

Be aware – the narcissist has very few limits. If he or she has decided you will be broken and made accountable the narcissist is capable of going to horrific lengths to ensure that. The more you stand up in retaliation the higher the level of the abuse will go.

This may include

• Using authorities as weapons
• Physical violence
• Sabotage of your operations
• Severe damage to your reputation
• Blackmail and threats

So you can understand that accepting blame or retaliating is not your answer. Don’t think you can pin a narcissist or force his or her accountability by fighting back – he or she has arsenal in the tool bag that you would never even dream of having or using. You are no match – that is unless you wish to sell your soul and start operating on a similarly destructive and malicious level – but even then the narcissist is an experienced expert, and you could only at best ever be a rank amateur.

So how do I Keep Myself Intact Without Defending Myself or Fighting Back?

Stop fighting and trying to make the narcissist accountable and learn what true boundaries are with unreasonable people who have no conscience or empathy. Your true boundaries are (if living with someone you suspect is a narcissist) stop accepting blame, stop defending yourself, stop arguing back, and stop trying to argue with someone who is in their head blaming you for things that you know you are not doing!

Okay so here is the response you need to use.

“That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”

Then leave the scene, and get on with what you are doing, and don’t participate with this person again unless they are going to be respectful.

If the scene changes to emotional blackmail, threats or taking it to another level to inflict pain, you know you are dealing with a narcissist or at the very least someone with narcissistic traits. No matter how hard it is, don’t hook, regardless of the triggers which get pushed in you, don’t retaliate, and of course if things escalate to the damage of yourself or your property it is time to call the police.

Angry five year olds in adult bodies don’t like it when they don’t get their own way, so you need to be responsible for yourself and prepared for what could erupt when you lay that boundary and refuse to keep being the scapegoat for the narcissist’s vile parts that he or she is not taking responsibility for.

As always don’t try to show your narcissist this information and bring to their attention what they are doing. That never works! Use this information as your personal defence against anyone in your life who is trying to hold you accountable for their own inner demons, and you will see they either start healing and taking responsibility (if this person has the resources to do so) or they will take it to the next level, which means you can’t be safe with this person and the relationship has to end…

The important point is you will get your answer and no longer will you have to endure being blamed for someone else’s inexcusable behaviour.

What choice do you have if you want to save your soul and life and start living a painless life that is your truth?

That’s right, “None”.

Codependency is a state of being that we have all been conditioned to live by.

Unfortunately, from birth, we are taught that happiness comes from something outside of ourselves and that to find it, we must first obtain something external to ourselves. This could be a love partner, a group of friends, or possessions such as a new house or car.

We use these things to define our sense of self-worth. The problem is that over many years, the conditioning of codependency has become a part of you, and it can be difficult to break when you first choose to shift to independence, or as I like to call it, True Self.

You can only make this shift if you commit to yourself and keep going even when you don’t get immediate results.

Are you Happy with Yourself?

It’s great if you are, but I can relate if you’re not.

You see, I used to be someone who didn’t know what it was like to be happy with myself. When I was this person, I used to think that happiness was something that I could only obtain from people and things outside of me.

This meant I needed other things and people to validate me.

I had to accomplish something, fall in love with someone, or receive validation to know I was worthy, capable, lovable, and good enough.

If anyone had asked me, “Are you pleased with yourself?” I would have had to answer, “No!”

Sadly, in the lonely hours of my life, when I was just with myself, I felt empty and unfulfilled without these props. I now know the reasons why I wasn’t happy.

The reasons were:

• I had never made peace with myself – I hadn’t forgiven myself for the things I assessed as ‘wrong’,
  ‘mistakes,’ and ‘missed opportunities, and as a result, I had many regrets.
• I hadn’t got love right, which made me feel defective and unlovable.
• I was holding on to past hurts and resentment, and
• I was still carrying the pain of my past and feared my future.

In short, all these reasons stopped me from being happy in my present life.

When I committed to my Journey of Self, namely my personal development, I could clear all that up and break free.

The Void

When I looked to the outside to somehow fix how I was feeling on the inside, it created spasmodic results, but none authentically held. There was always an empty void within myself, which could not be filled no matter what I did.

When I had enough pain, I finally started doing the essential work on myself.

Fortunately, I did.

The Excuses

Before then, I was so entrenched in my stubbornness and busyness that I was too afraid to commit to taking the necessary steps to create the desired outcomes. I was also so impatient for results that I would start investing in my self-development, but when I didn’t see the changes I wanted in my inner and outer world quickly enough, I would give up and think it was all a waste of time.

I’d then return to my old patterns (which weren’t serving me) and feel even more frustrated by the pain that had become my life.

A life-and-death experience completely changed my perspective. I knew that if I didn’t commit to myself and make changes, I wouldn’t survive. So, I consciously prioritized my well-being and started making positive changes.

I reached a point where I knew that if I kept going down the same path of neglecting my own needs, I would eventually die. It was a make-or-break moment, and I knew I had to make a change.

The solution was, irrefutably, to work on me.

The Results

As I decided to confront my unhealed parts, I was astounded at how natural and normal it felt. Instead of the fear and horror I had imagined, I was filled with profound comfort and relief. I was coming home to myself, and the powerful emotions of joy, contentment, and Love filled my being. Finally, I was empowered and connected to my true self.

Resistance is Common

I totally get why you might feel hesitant to make a commitment to yourself, just like Juliette – who I recently interviewed on my radio show – said in the beginning: “I have no clue how to work on myself; it’s scary to think about, I don’t know how to go about it, and I’m not sure if it’ll even work or if I deserve it!” (Those are some pretty hefty resistances!)

After years of struggling, she felt it was enough. She had reached a point where she could barely function and felt suicidal and broken. She knew she didn’t want to keep living this way, so she decided to take back control of my life.

So she started to do something about it.

You may know you’re unhappy and still can function the way you are, or you may feel like you have pain and barely exist.

Regardless of where you are on the spectrum of ‘unhappiness,’ if you are unhappy with yourself, then your ‘way home’ is to go within, partner with yourself to clean up your pain, and learn how to love and support yourself.

I have compiled a quick questionnaire that I would love you to participate in regarding Doing Healing Work On Myself.

This survey will provide valuable insights into how you can evolve into your ideal self and where you currently stand regarding your self-partnership. By answering these questions, you can better understand your current state and how to move forward to become your most authentic self.

Are you ready to take a brave step forward and explore this topic more deeply? If so, why not print off these questions, write down your answers, and share them here? (grin) I’m sure others would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives!

Do you Commit to Working on Yourself?

1) I am totally committed to working on myself and applying personal development in my life:

a) Regularly – as a lifestyle every day
b) Once a week or more
c) Only occasionally
d) Very rarely
e) Never

2) The times when I commit to working on myself are:

a) As a lifestyle, I love to grow and become more conscious and empowered
b) When I feel myself slipping and know I need to work on myself
c) Occasionally, for no particular reason
d) When other people suggest I attend a self-development event
e) Never

3) I feel totally comfortable spending time with myself reading, journaling, and doing healing visualizations

a) Yes, I love time alone committed to being with me
b) Sometimes, I like to take time out to heal myself
c) Occasionally, I will do it, but I usually have to force myself to do so
d) I am much more comfortable with someone else granting me information or healing me than working on myself
e) I don’t grant myself inner attention

4) The reasons why I do or don’t commit to spending time healing myself are:

a) I love gaining awareness, answers, and understanding, supporting and giving to myself on a deep level, thus empowering my life
b) I am terrified about having to face what could be wrong with me
c) I don’t like my own company
d) I’m too busy looking after everyone else to look after me
e) I don’t have time for my own dedication because of my work/life commitments
f) I believe I am beyond hope, and it won’t work
g) I want someone else to give me love and support, and then I might believe I deserve to grant myself license and attention
h) I have no idea how to

I’m not here to give you specific answers to your questions. This questionnaire is designed to help you find the answers within yourself—because that is what self-actualization is all about!

If you would like to, please share your answers or any questions about committing to your personal development journey.

Conclusion

Doing the healing work on ourselves is essential to breaking free from the codependency and narcissistic abuse cycle. It may be daunting to take that first step, but it is the only way to begin the journey to true self-love and empowerment.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) offers a comprehensive healing approach to help individuals overcome codependency and narcissistic abuse. Through education, self-reflection, and guided support, the NARP can help you start living a life of true freedom and joy.

Take the first step today and start your journey to self-love and freedom.

Until the next one, keep smiling, Keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

Lots of love, everybody.

Bye-bye.

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This week’s newsletter idea came to me whilst working with a client. Thank you, Bonnie, for this inspiration! This newsletter is about self-empowerment and why we must disconnect from co-dependent to outside sources to create our truth.

Trying to Find the Answer from the Outside

Many of us question when love is going to work in our life. I have experienced both sides of the fence. Once upon a time (a long time ago), I worked professionally on a Tarot Line. At the time, I had a growing interest in personal development and found it quite disturbing when the same people would continuously call to ask When is he coming back to me? Does he love me? and If he’s not the one, when is the love of my life coming?

No matter how hard I tried to get these women to empower themselves and become an attraction force for love, I couldn’t. They were broken, empty and not in their power at all. These ladies were not engaging in their own lives, and their lives were on hold whilst relying completely on what ‘he’ was or wasn’t going to do.

Frighteningly, some women hadn’t heard from a particular man for 5+ years and were still stuck in limbo and pain.

I found it heartbreaking, and after a year of this job, I decided to leave.

I admit I have been one of these women, maybe not quite to that extent, but co-dependently hanging onto the advice from psychics, numerologists and astrologists to ease my inner emptiness and loneliness.

In fact, during the times when I felt the most empty (before I discovered the Truth about becoming my Creator), I would regularly pull out my cards or go over my transits and try to find some answer to relieve my fears of being alone or being stuck in a relationship that wasn’t working.

Can you relate?

Chances are many of you can because the tendency to try to gain power and answers outside of ourselves is a common female affliction. It’s called co-dependency…Sadly co-dependency doesn’t work as it only brings us more pain.

I still do readings, but I do them very rarely (because, in virtually every case, Quanta Freedom Healing provides more real value). I always strongly (adamantly) suggest vibrational shift work for people who prefer readings over the real work of becoming the Creator for themselves powerfully and authentically.
This never happens when we wait for the ‘outside’ to change and do something.

There is No Outside

Get this – and get it very clearly…There is no ‘outside!’ The ‘outside’ is stuff showing up as a match to your vibrational ‘inside’ – pure and simple!

This is irrefutably The Truth…

Please know I thoroughly believe in the powerful evidence that can result from a reputable reading. I believe that even the greatest sceptics would find it very hard to dismiss the information gleaned from a real astrologer or numerologist, who can accurately pinpoint your strengths, weaknesses, occurrences in your life, deep karmic patterns and tribulations and potential.

I firmly believe these systems of nature, life and the universe and how they relate to us as individuals are real, yet what I know is the True Power and Reality of our life is how we choose to work on and align ourselves.

You see, all the evidence discovered in your ‘charts’ was created by you.

Your True Self is not Your Weaknesses.

Regardless of your karmic patterns, weaknesses and insecurities in your makeup (false belief systems and associated fears), you can release these inner issues that are keeping you separated from real love and return to your True Self Power regarding love (and any other topic).

Why? Because your True Self is always what ‘you want’ – your soul does not get it wrong, and life is waiting to deliver you these desires (you and Life are energetically one) once you have cleaned up your false beliefs and fears.

This is the only formula to bag what you want! Information regarding what ‘Life is going to do’ won’t because it can’t deliver What You Want without inner alignment.

If you know you are interested in metaphysics and gaining spiritual answers, please stop seeking that power outside of yourself (other than for clues and guidance about yourself), and please stop thinking that You, Life and The Universe are disconnected things.

Stop thinking that Life and the Universe are doing things to you, and start thinking, and more importantly, knowing that You and you alone are the Creator and the director vibrationally of Life and The Universe in your entire experience.

In effect, you have been making it all up. That means you have been creating everything in your experience about your belief systems and feelings about Love and every other topic in your experience.

Isn’t this exciting? Isn’t it wonderful to know that if your love experience is not what you want, you can stop looking to the outside to try to make it work and come home to your inner to create what works?

Please note that all future newsletter topics will be posted here on this blog so that you can contribute, share your thoughts, and ask questions. I would love to hear what you think of the blog and if you have any suggestions to improve it. I will be doing my best to respond to all comments.