Today’s article is essential for many in this community because, after abuse, you may feel your self-worth has been seriously compromised.

Self-worth is the deservedness and capacity to generate and receive a life that grants you value. For example, having relationships that add to your soul’s truth, life, and goals rather than subtract from them. Also, having the confidence to expand, grow, succeed, and break out of old comfort zones into new territories while being solid enough to exhibit kindness, honesty, transparency, humility, morality, courage, and strength.

Before, during, and after toxic relationships, the topic of self-worth requires addressing if we don’t wish to stay limited, traumatized, and stuck in patterns of living without our true potential gifts.

I’d love you to hold my hand as we take this self-worth journey together today.

Self-Value and Being Valued

The first ‘self-worth’ topic I want to discuss is anchoring into the necessary self-value to be valued by others.

Even when dealing with good people, they are not mind readers. They don’t know your likes, dislikes, and preferences unless you speak up and express them. This may be difficult for you if you feel sensitive to other people’s energies and unsure of your own.

If your childhood caregivers were uninterested in your needs, wants, and preferences, you may have struggled to identify those things for yourself and, much less, asked for them. Or when you tried to, you may have experienced feelings of rejection, humiliation, or being dismissed. You could have decided early on not to share your needs and look after them yourself. Possibly, when you did accept support from others, the consequences suffered were being manipulated for another person’s agenda.

The sad truth is many empaths, even before suffering narcissistic abuse, have a suppressed ‘self’ unable to express needs healthily because of the fears of CRAP (Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment, or Punishment.)

If this is you (and understandably so) in a relationship with anyone, they can’t see ‘you’ to serve and love ‘you.’

Who are you? Who is there to love?

No-body. Because you don’t share who you are.

It seems you are not valued, but there is no ‘you’ to be seen as valued. Bonding hormones are released within those who serve others. It creates oxytocin, fondness, connection and love. You deny people this ability to connect with you if you don’t allow them to ‘see’ you, ‘know’ you, meet your needs, and serve you.

Now, let’s take this up a notch with toxic people. They absolutely don’t value you. They have no interest in ‘you’. They don’t care about your feelings or who you are as a blood, flesh, soulful human being.

Their only interest in you is what they can get from you. Ego gratification, money, sex, and stuff. Not only are you not valued, but you are objectified – the ‘thing’ that delivers what the narcissist seeks. You are devalued and dehumanized.

After this level of relationship abuse, you absolutely feel more worthless than ever.

But please take heart because this is an incredible opportunity to heal these old core wounds that have been on repeat in your life. Then, you can rise above feeling like your self-worth depends on others.

To be recognized, you must first ‘see’ yourself. To be met, you have to show and share yourself. Prioritizing the healing and development of your self-worth is vital to do this.

For many of us who have experienced narcissistic relationships, valuing ourselves was always something we needed to look at and heal. I hope what I have shared with you above helps bring some awareness to you about this. There is more to come below.

This is a powerful mantra to help you anchor self-value into your Being:

“I can live aligned with my values. By sharing my values and preferences, I invite collaboration, love and trust with others.”

If you are a NARP Member, I suggest using the Goal Setting Module with this statement:

“I can take up space and express my needs, wants and preferences to create partnership, collaboration, success and expansion. It is now safe to be myself.”

Boundaries – Self-Worth in Action

Ultimately, self-worth and feeling worthy of all the good stuff in life cannot be achieved by yourself.

At first, after suffering from toxic abuse, it’s vital to self-partner, go within, and heal. This alone time is powerful and essential. Even after this hiatus, you may like your own company, yet you will notice your soul is calling for ‘more’—more connection, expansion, and experiences with life and others. Of course, this can be terrifying, but it is vital for self-worth. Self-worth won’t stand the test of time in solitude.

Connection with life and others is essential for creating greater love, expansion, and success than can be achieved alone. Suppressing this truth diminishes one’s self-worth. Communion and connection are synonymous with self-worth and can be navigated safely.

This is where healthy boundaries come into play.

The key to understanding is that self-worth is never defined by what other people do or do not do in response to you. Self-worth comes from your ability to interact with people, no matter who they are.

Let me explain …

If you try to interact with people in a way that will hopefully make them ‘pleasant’ to be around, that means telling people what they want to hear and shying away from necessary honest conversations. Trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings in this way eventually destroys your self-worth. People say, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” But if they are honest with themselves, they don’t want to hurt their own.

There is a good reason the expression “the truth sets you free” exists. Authentic friends, partners, colleagues, and family members speak up if they love themselves and, therefore, can love others. They offer opportunities for greater understanding, collaboration, growth, and improved connection – rather than saying nothing and causing disconnection just to save their potentially uncomfortable feelings.

These are the people who have real and solid relationships. They magnetize other people who wish to be honest with each other. Transparency is not a weakness that leaves people susceptible to others. It offers protection. It is a great strength. Most of all, it creates a genuine connection—with self, others, and life—the juice of self-worth.

The tendency to not speak up and have difficult conversations with people is programmed into us from a very early age. When enmeshed in toxic relationships, despite our initial intuitive fears, we kept the peace, hoped for the best, and told ourselves stories to justify and explain away the personal violations we started to receive.

When you spoke up and thought you were laying boundaries, you may not have realized the power of a true boundary. We believed it was about calling out bad behavior, making someone else see what they were doing wrong, holding them accountable, and changing them.

Which usually went very badly. We became more out of control on this incorrect boundary crusade of trying to control another’s character and choices.

You never had the power to change another—only yourself. The real boundary is anchoring into your self-worth, stating your values and chosen life truths, and then observing whether or not people meet you there and letting them go if they don’t.

An actual boundary is not reliant on someone else—who certainly may never accept your boundary—getting it. It only requires you to get it, which you potentially always can if it is embodied in your self-worth.

A great mantra for this is:

“By knowing and stating my truth, I conjoin with those who share these values and detach from those who don’t. You either are or are not my reality.”

If you are a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), this goal set is powerful:

“I express my values calmly and clearly. Those who agree are those I journey through life with. Those who don’t simply are not my people.”

In Conclusion

If you lack self-worth, you are in a painful and precarious position because another person can easily take away your love and affection, leaving you feeling like you have nothing left to go on with or maybe even live for.

Before healing these unconscious underlying programs and beliefs, we can live in constant fear of love being taken away in any relationship because we do not yet know how to grant it back to ourselves. This leaves us believing we are unworthy of everything we desire, especially being seen, heard, held, and loved.

The great news is this can be directly addressed, healed, and reversed, and I am thrilled to host the Thrive Membership Program every year. This is an exclusive 10-week online Live boot camp to help get you on track with your Self, life, and others after abuse.

What I covered today—creating self-worth and self-value and learning healthy boundary setting—is addressed in the Thrive Membership Program, which offers powerful workshopping and life-changing specific Quanta Freedom Healings™.

As well as … going free from toxic ties to abusers, dissolving away your abuse symptoms, releasing self-sabotage, learning how to attract and generate healthy relationships, and so much more.

Here is what some of our Community Members said about their 10-week Thrive experience.

Thrive Testimonies

“Thrive was the lifeline I needed. I was in pure shock and couldn’t find a logical next step. Thrive popped up, and I knew I had to sign up. It was so much more than I ever expected and took my healing to a cosmic level. Melanie and the MTE team have provided such a priceless gift to the world – the kind of freedom you could never put into words. Melanie is a remarkable teacher, wise, funny, and honest – guiding us to practice the most profound self-love on our own terms. If you do this program, you will be surprised and ecstatic at the results.”- Ramona.

“Working through the Thrive program has been a transformational and life-changing experience. It has enabled me to expand my understanding of myself and the incredible power of connection with Source. I am grateful to be part of a support community sharing in this wondrous journey, allowing me to further appreciate and reinforce the blessing of Source in my life.” – Joy.

“I was so painfully triggered at the thought of being replaced by my ex’s new girlfriend. With the help of the healings in Thrive, I could not only shift these blocks and pain out of my body but also fill myself with an expansive sense of love and peace in their place. It’s unmissable.” – Bee.

“Thrive genuinely helped me to cope with a difficult past by guiding me through the process of going no contact with my abuser while also teaching me how to recognize and let go of the blocks in my life that were preventing me from healing. If you’re searching for a way to heal emotional pain in the past or present, this program is for you. The profound gains in understanding it will offer have no equal in therapy. In short, Thrive saved my life.” – Bianca.

“Thrive is an amazing program that shifts toxic energy from the body, allowing you to live your best life! I’ve had the privilege of being in the Thrive community and saw myself freed from my debt cycle. By the end of the ten weeks, I had paid off all my credit cards, much to my surprise and delight! Mel’s passion, drive, and care for helping others find inner peace and reach their best self make Thrive an incredible program I highly recommend. If you want to transform your life, I urge you to try it – I promise, you won’t regret it!” – Della.

The Thrive Membership Program is open to you if you are a NARPer wanting a supportive super-boost breakthrough, a non-NARPer desiring more personal coaching with their healing journey, or if you are a past Thrive student being called to Thrive again into an even greater, healthier and happier life trajectory.

The Thrive Membership Program starts September 12^th, 2023.

Be quick to claim one of the limited spaces remaining.

I hope today’s article has given you some vital keys to your abuse recovery. As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.

But truly, is it enough to just know this? Is this enough for us to heal and move forward and know you will never have to experience an abusive, agonising relationship ever again?

It certainly is not.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse allows you to move out of powerlessness and into a new perspective where you recognise that you are in control of your life. You have the power to create a life that contributes to your happiness and say ‘no’ to anyone or anything that doesn’t. But in order to do this you must recognise the following…

All of the relationships we have in life are exposing us to our own unhealed parts.  At first that could seem like a bitter pill to swallow, it could seem like somehow you are accepting blame for what happened to you by embracing this theory.

If you look deeper you will understand a vital truth of life, which is: If I had something to do with this, then I have the power to change it. Whereas if you believe you have nothing to do with it, then you have no power to change it, let alone create a life where it could never happen to you again.

That is horribly disempowering…

We Attract What We Need to Heal

Like attracts like, but that certainly does not mean you are a narcissist. What it does mean is that anything you have not healed, that you are not aligned on – such as fear of abandonment, criticism or abuse, or you have confusion on ‘what is real’ or ‘what can I trust’, are powerful emotional vibrational attracters to receive more of this from life.

These negative belief systems / emotions are not the way our True Self wants to live. They are not the pure state of who you really are, and because of this, your soul will keep dragging them into your experience, and make them hurt until you liberate, heal them and change your belief systems.

The narcissist is a ‘catalyst’; the narcissist is a ‘vehicle’ to show up our unhealed parts in fully blown technicolour. Up until this point, we have been able to get on with life, we have been able to function despite the pain, disappointment and setbacks – yet this time as a result of narcissistic abuse, the pain and the horror was so significant that we simply could not pick ourself up off the floor, dust off and keep moving.

Originally this feels like total devastation, destruction and helplessness. It seems our entire life is shattered and any faith we had in life and ourself was crushed forever.

Is that a bad thing?

When you understand what is really going on you realise that it isn’t.

You realise that finally you have been brought to a point where you can no longer ignore your unhealed parts because the pain is too immense to do so.

The Shift From Outer to Inner

You realise that no longer can you continue to get by, by putting your focus on the outside world and gaining things outside of yourself in order to feel whole, such as the gratification of people approving and loving you, or gaining material possessions.

In order to get through this and heal, you need to put your focus on the inner you, and you have to do the work on your being.

The problem is when you are stuck in the illusion that your identity is based on achievements, things and other people – you didn’t learn to accept and love yourself for just being you.

When you are narcissistically abused, everything suffers, everything crumbles and you look around at the shattered mess. Almost everything you thought ‘is my life’ is most likely gone.

You are left just with you.

Your are left in a frightful state, such a frightful state that no matter what you grab to try to fix your state from the outside, you don’t have the sanity, energy or the drive to make it work. It gives you no peace. No happiness or fulfilment comes, and nothing seems to work.

You are left with yourself with no outer relief.

The purpose in all of this, is for you to come face to face with establishing your True Self (if you are new to the blog my definition of True Self means being aligned and living the way our soul intended us to) and you start to realise the deepest spiritual and soul lesson of all – and that is ‘There is only you’.

This is certainly not the grandiose false version that the narcissist upholds, that it is all about him or herself, rather this is in the authentic version of self-creation – which is I am the centre, the director and the creator of my entire life experience.

This truth sets us free because we can finally embrace the purpose of the narcissist, that this person was in fact attracted into our experience as the perfect match to make conscious what fears, pain and confusion we needed to square up within ourself.

And if we didn’t experience this, we may never have been able to create the authentic life that our soul always wanted to live.

Victimhood or the Gift

There are two ways to view narcissistic abuse, and that is from the victim perspective – which is ‘Someone did this to me, my life is ruined because of that, and I will never, ever recover because of what happened’, or from the mindful and empowered perspective ‘This was meant to happen in my life. My soul drew this experience to me to finally heal and create myself as an authentic self, and walk forward into creating my life authentically without pain, confusion and fear.’

The life with the narcissist was never meant to work, it was meant to wake you up and heal you.

As you know the narcissist is not real, the life of glamour, hypocrisy and hubris is not real, and your existence in this false life was not peaceful, fulfilling or solid. It was an emotional, physical, spiritual and often financial ‘house of cards’ that was drowning in quicksand and ripping you apart on broken glass.

Authentic realities are not like that.

The goal of all of this is to be healed enough to create a life, like what you thought it would be with the narcissist, but this time at a real, authentic level.

Then you can have the love, the achievements and the fulfilment as a supportive, safe, durable and solid reality.

The truth is you might not have got to that level if the narcissist hadn’t presented in your life. He or she was a necessary stepping stone to your more empowered graduation.

The illusion is, if we could just change the narcissist’s nasty and destructive ways that the dream of this ‘real’ life could be with him or her.

But if we stay stuck in this, we truly are missing the point and the healing opportunity – which is I am the creator of my reality, and it’s not someone else’s job.

When we understand that no-one is responsible for our fulfilment, safety and wellbeing other than ourself, we start rejecting anything and anyone who is not that truth or match, because we are empowered enough to know that we create reality by being aligned, and we have all of the resources and possibilities of life to call forth the match of our reality.

The incredible gift of creating the new us – the real us, is we get to let go of the illusions of life which have made us precariously attached to external situations and people, and we begin to feel genuinely comfortable on the inside.

Shifting From Limited to Unlimited

We previously believed that we are limited, small, dependent, and that we don’t have enough self-value or self-worth to say ‘no’. We didn’t know that we don’t actually lose by letting go, or that when we shut one door we allow the true and the real ones to open in their place.

We believed that if we didn’t hang on, fix, and make it work that we may never have a similar opportunity again.

We believed ‘I’m too old, I’m not smart enough, I’m not attractive enough’ or we believed ‘All the good ones are gone’ or we thought ‘Where am I going to meet the right person?’, or ‘How could real love happen for me?’…or ‘I know of people that have been single and lonely for 10 years I don’t want this to happen to me’….as well as countless other limiting beliefs that held us back.

In short we believed all the limiting fears about ourself and life that are not in alignment with creating what it is that we really want to experience.

Our focus has been on ‘Why Not’ instead of ‘Why YES!’

We were not taught about the creative power from within.

We are subject to our past history, other people’s versions, or what our parent’s did – if we choose to limit ourself by hanging on to these limiting beliefs…

Not enough has been taught about letting go of these beliefs and then purposefully choosing the beliefs that do serve us, in order to create our outer experience from an inner power.

Narcissistic abuse has allowed us to realise that when we change these beliefs within ourself that powerfully our outer world will follow.

Then and only then do we STOP keeping ourselves limited and small by hanging on to and putting up with second best, let alone abusive, disempowering situations which are destroying us.

We also don’t keep hanging on to the pain, the obsession, the resentment and the regrets.

We realise that narcissistic abuse was in fact a spectacular gift in order to finally realise, embrace and release what hadn’t been working within ourselves, in order to become the conscious co-creator with life that we were always meant to be.

Have you recognised the gift of narcissistic abuse? What does it feel like to you?

Or if you are still in the early stage of recovery can you now see the goal you are aiming for?

Please let me know in the comments.

When you understand and become more versed on how narcissists operate, you begin to realise that narcissists project their disowned unacceptable parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.

Narcissists whittle, and blast away at your self-worth and self-belief, and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity, and it’s the narcissist that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of.

It is a fruitless battle….

Here are some of the common things that the narcissist will accuse you of being:

• Adulterous
• Non caring and incapable of being a loving partner
• A bad parent
• Materialistic
• A ‘gold digger’
• Competing with him or her
• Untrustworthy to confide in or go to for support
• Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification

…the list goes on and on, and of course you may be accused of

• Being a narcissist.

The Narcissist has Set You Up for Blame

If you have battled with co-dependency, over-functioning and poor boundary function you will be very susceptible to accepting the blame, or get caught up in trying to defend yourself against the blame.

The narcissists will use an example in the past however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons why he or she has this dirt on you. Before you know it you will be justifying yourself, and trying to argue your defence.

If you start expertly tackling this – then the narcissist will shift a gear, and bring in allies, real or imagined evidence from other people, or will hit you at your most vulnerable wound which renders you powerless. This may be ‘fear of abandonment’ as an example. The narcissist will infer the relationship is over, or actually state it and leave.

Effectively the narcissist has lined you up as the scapegoat for everything he or she is playing out, and because you have fought for your rights, and didn’t go along with the narcissist’s version of you (the projection used to stop them confronting their own stuff), the narcissist has punished you exactly where he or she knows it hurts the most.

Some people to avoid this destruction of being hit at their most fearful core and start accepting the blame, and actually start believing it! This is soul-destroying and is exactly how to lose your sense of self. The narcissist is relentless, he or she is an angry tormented child in an adult’s body without the capacity for remorse, accountability or conscience, and therefore even if you do accept the blame, and start believing you really are a horrible or defective person, the narcissist will not grant you any peace.

The narcissist is in constant inner turmoil with all sorts of ‘I’m not good enough’ stories running in his or her head that have to be transferred onto someone else in order to make that person ‘wrong’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’. The narcissist cannot emotionally survive any other way – and if you are the intimate partner no matter how much you just agree to keep the peace, the onslaughts don’t stop coming.

This is the model for people who are married to narcissists for years, and even decades. Sadly these are the people that have rolled over become the scapegoat and fade away and die inside.

The Narcissist Escalates until they Win

If you fight back, then inevitably the narcissist will take it to the next level to stay on top and preserve their monstrous ego. You will be lined up, attacked, and brutalised whilst the narcissist creates even more reason to create you as the scapegoat.

And as a result the narcissist can cause you to act in indecent ways, because hooking into crazy people make you act crazily…

Now you will be accused of:

• Not taking responsibility
• Projecting
• Not being accountable for your behaviour – which of course the narcissist will try to punish you and force accountability regarding
• Being false in the world, and hiding behind ‘yes’ people
• And more than likely if you have already been called a narcissist, now you will have become ‘a high-level narcissist’.

So you can see the worse the narcissist becomes in his or her projections on to you, the worse he will accuse you of everything that he or she is doing…

Be aware – the narcissist has very few limits. If he or she has decided you will be broken and made accountable the narcissist is capable of going to horrific lengths to ensure that. The more you stand up in retaliation the higher the level of the abuse will go.

This may include

• Using authorities as weapons
• Physical violence
• Sabotage of your operations
• Severe damage to your reputation
• Blackmail and threats

So you can understand that accepting blame or retaliating is not your answer. Don’t think you can pin a narcissist or force his or her accountability by fighting back – he or she has arsenal in the tool bag that you would never even dream of having or using. You are no match – that is unless you wish to sell your soul and start operating on a similarly destructive and malicious level – but even then the narcissist is an experienced expert, and you could only at best ever be a rank amateur.

So how do I Keep Myself Intact Without Defending Myself or Fighting Back?

Stop fighting and trying to make the narcissist accountable and learn what true boundaries are with unreasonable people who have no conscience or empathy. Your true boundaries are (if living with someone you suspect is a narcissist) stop accepting blame, stop defending yourself, stop arguing back, and stop trying to argue with someone who is in their head blaming you for things that you know you are not doing!

Okay so here is the response you need to use.

“That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”

Then leave the scene, and get on with what you are doing, and don’t participate with this person again unless they are going to be respectful.

If the scene changes to emotional blackmail, threats or taking it to another level to inflict pain, you know you are dealing with a narcissist or at the very least someone with narcissistic traits. No matter how hard it is, don’t hook, regardless of the triggers which get pushed in you, don’t retaliate, and of course if things escalate to the damage of yourself or your property it is time to call the police.

Angry five year olds in adult bodies don’t like it when they don’t get their own way, so you need to be responsible for yourself and prepared for what could erupt when you lay that boundary and refuse to keep being the scapegoat for the narcissist’s vile parts that he or she is not taking responsibility for.

As always don’t try to show your narcissist this information and bring to their attention what they are doing. That never works! Use this information as your personal defence against anyone in your life who is trying to hold you accountable for their own inner demons, and you will see they either start healing and taking responsibility (if this person has the resources to do so) or they will take it to the next level, which means you can’t be safe with this person and the relationship has to end…

The important point is you will get your answer and no longer will you have to endure being blamed for someone else’s inexcusable behaviour.

What choice do you have if you want to save your soul and life and start living a painless life that is your truth?

That’s right, “None”.

There are Solutions

I want to take you on a little bit of an analogy here…

Can you imagine having repeated problems with a car? No matter what work you have had done on the engine, the breakdowns keep occurring.

It seems like every time you think you’re cruising down the road safely and happily again, something goes wrong…

…bringing back the familiar dread of Noooo! Not this again!

What if, though, finally you found the right mechanic, with the right answer, who could solve this problem?

It’s absolutely possible, because I hope, like me, you believe there are always solutions – you’ve just got to find them…

The Real Solutions

The real solutions are in coming into your personal authentic power, which is the opposite of being in the midst and aftermath of narcissistic abuse – which feels incredibly crippled and powerless.

Narcissistic abuse feels horrendous, and of course the ongoing pattern of it in your life – from parent, to partner (and also maybe bosses, colleagues, friends etc.) – all gets beyond a joke. Rather than cave into the horrible cynicism that people are awful, and that you are a continual victim at the hands of monsters without conscience, it truly is time to turn it all around.

This is done by switching your energy, and solutions back to ‘self’. You see, you actually have no power to change anything or anyone outside of your circle of influence – which effectively means that you have no power to change anyone outside of yourself.

• You have no power to…
• You actually have no right to…

The Truth Sets You Free

In order to come into your own power, start with these two points above and own them – and this means claim them as Truth…

If you do, immediately your emotional body will start coming back into its Truth – and it may be frightening at first, because you have been led to believe that your life can improve by trying to control someone else, but when you accept that it can’t and doesn’t, then you begin to gain personal foundation.

Now from this point, it is really important to understand that the longer you research narcissism, the longer you keep you focus on ‘why he or she did that’, and the longer you see yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, the longer you are separated from coming back to your true authentic power centre, and finding the solutions that are going to change your life.

It’s important to understand the phenomena of narcissistic abuse, so that you know it is a Personality Condition and that it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. But then, having done that, leave it alone, because you need to start working at the true solutions for self.

The previous car that I mentioned, is not going to ‘get better’ by putting its focus on the road, other cars, other drivers, or trees beside the road. The car needs to have the work done directly on its motor.

You are no different.

What Doesn’t Help Your Vibration?

If you don’t want to keep reliving the patterns of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to start becoming aware of your vibration.

Do you understand your vibration? Your vibration is your emotions, and they are the language of your soul. Your emotions let you know whether you’re on track, or off track. They let you know if you are getting well and more empowered, or if you’re stuck as a victim in the feelings and pain of abuse.

Can you realise that if you are engaged on narcissistic abuse recovery forums having conversations about narcissistic abuse, how bad it feels and sharing stories, that your energy often feels depleted, anxious and empty? Can you understand that if you sit up for hours and hours researching why narcissists do what they do, and all of the different narcissistic derivatives for hours and hours, that you feel the same way?

It’s a simple Law of Attraction fact – that whatever you focus on brings more of that into your vibration. And your vibration knows this and this is why it starts feeling ‘yuk’ when you continue to keep rolling around in the narcissistic muck.

The Illusion of Protecting Yourself

As human beings we are misled to believe that by absorbing ourselves in more of what we don’t want, that we will be better armed to pick it, defend ourselves against it and avoid it.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The more we feel, are aware of and are vibrating in the pain of what happened to us, the more likely we are to unconsciously keep playing it out, and attracting it into our life.

Knowledge is helpful, but ultimately your best defence is to change you because when your focus, energy and alignment are created with what you do want, then you are no longer a match for what you don’t want.

I have found conclusively, that the people who are experts on narcissists, who have not created the solutions with themself, are still very susceptible to re-live the experience of “why does this keep happening to me?”, because unknowingly they can be blind-sighted (despite their immense knowledge) and attract and allow another narcissist, yet again, in their life.

Please know: Your life is not created logically. It truly is engineered emotionally.

Bringing Your Energy Back to Self

Let’s have a look at how to bring your energy back to self.

This entails understanding the belief systems (engine problems) that have made us susceptible to narcissistic abuse repeat breakdowns.

This starts to get exciting because by understanding these problems you can then start fixing them…

Please be very aware this is not about being ‘defective’. Life is not about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is about ‘what does work’ or ‘what doesn’t work’ in relation to the life that you truly want to live.

Lovely people often have many ‘tweaks’ necessary to not be susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

I am not suggesting that you’re the one who is ‘wrong’, where I am leading you toward is the understanding that certain aspects within your belief systems don’t work in regard to creating and maintaining healthy, safe love..

I promise you it’s not your fault – society and conditioning modelled you this way.

You see life is based on many illusions that created us as co-dependents and empaths. And this invariably meant that we believed our job was to give and to keep others happy, and that by being this “good” person that we would be loved and accepted in return.

It’s a lovely theory, but truly in regard to attracting narcissists, it’s a sad and devastating recipe for abuse and disaster.

By becoming co-dependent, you lost a sense of ‘self’. This meant that you did not know that you were capable of ‘holding and trusting’ yourself in times of pain. You believed (due to enmeshment with others) that other people were responsible for your happiness and well-being, and that it was your job to make them happy, safe and responsible enough to supply you with your great life.

You believed that your life, security, happiness and well-being was dependent on what this person was or wasn’t doing. Absolutely as a child this was very true, you were precariously dependent. As an adult you’re not – even though it feels like you are…

See how messy it starts becoming?

Men and women (and goodness was I one of them!!) who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse have the following characteristics:

They:

• Have problems asserting their own needs and rights
• Find it hard to say “No”
• Believe it is their duty to give
• Can easily feel guilty and take the blame in order to keep the peace
• Feel dismayed and incensed by people that don’t have the same level of morality, integrity and values
• Feel mortified if people don’t think you have integrity
• Model how they feel on how other people around them feel
• Believe a love partner is responsible for their well-being
• Feel terrified about being strong and capable enough to make life work alone
• Believe it is their job to sort out and fix other people’s life
• Will hang on whilst being abused, rather than break away and honour self
• Struggle to define and uphold personal boundaries, and will hand over self, energy and resources rather than risk abandonment, criticism or not being loved.

…and this list goes on and on…

Again I will empathise, you are not a bad person. This list is often a description of the nice person. You may righteously want to remain this person, and think that everyone else (especially narcissists) should change – but I promise you, that if you adamantly take this standpoint – you are going to lose.

You have just set up a world of good guys / bad guys with leaving yourself totally open to keep suffering at the hands of the bad guys.

It is not up to the bad guys to change in order for you to have a better life and love experience. Why Not? Because the bad guys are NOT you! They are NOT having your life experience, and they are NOT responsible for it.

Can you imagine saying “I’ll never be happy while he or she is a narcissist?” or “I’ll never be safe and happy while there are bad people in the world?” Good luck with that! I REALLY hope you can see how powerless and self-defeating that is!

How to Change

Okay, so back to YOU! (Which is where your true power and ability to change is going on)…

Truly I don’t want to give the bad guys too much energy, because really they don’t deserve it – but YOU do!

Let’s go back to the list…the list of the nice person, who desperately needs to smarten up their personal boundaries, and personal power…

Personal power looks like this:

• I can assert my own needs and rights.I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
• I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
• I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
• I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
• I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality.I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
• When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
• I know that I am capable of being in my True Centre regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
• I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
• I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work.And so it is!
• I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be.My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
• If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
• I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job.I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honour me, as I honour myself, will be my reality.

Can you see what a difference this would make? Can you see how this would change your life beyond description?

Can you see how this would put a stop to your pattern of being narcissistically abused?

Can you see how by honouring yourself and being in your personal power how you would command respect, love, commitment and truth from people that have the resources to be that, and you would stop playing with people that don’t?

You Will Become Even More Loving and Giving

Please don’t for one moment think by coming into your True Power that you will stop being a loving, giving person!

In fact you will be a healthier, more loving and giving person, who would serve yourself and life in so much better ways. You will be able to give more genuinely, because your energy is not depleted, resentful or uncomfortable, and you will stop enabling people to not be accountable.

You will no longer be a target for abuse, and you will inspire others in your energy to step up and start taking responsibility for their life, their self-esteem and their True Self.

Imagine how much healthier and happier it is, to give of yourself safely and authentically to yourself, your family, your loved ones, your friends and the community. Imagine interacting with individuals and communities who are also genuine, which means you will begin to receive love, support and commitment from life.

All because you created this change…

Being Accountable and Working on it

Can you see now what the true solutions are? Can you see that no matter how much information you obtain about narcissists, what to look for, who they are and how they operate is not going to stop the pattern?

Can you understand that by doing ‘outer information’ only that you are avoiding the true work on yourself that will set you free?

Can you understand that somewhere, somehow, you have to commit to your journey of self to change this?

The people who stop their cycle of abuse accept it 100%.

This is what you have to accept – that the chinks in your boundaries and personal power have made you a target for repeat abuse – and I promise you, this is why this has kept happening to you.

It happened to me – time and time again…

It happens to so many others time and time again…

That is, until you break the cycle for good.

Making the Commitment

Breaking your cycle of abuse can take lot of commitment and it can be hard work. It took me 2 years to find the formula that worked for me.

If you feel that some extra guidance and support could help you, I can give you my formula that has helped hundreds of individuals recover from their abusive pasts in a much shorter time than it took me.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program was developed using the formula from my own healing journey and has been put together to provide genuine recovery from narcissistic abuse for anyone worldwide.

99% of people that start the program gain at completion:

Detachment from narcissistic pain

The ability to release co-dependency and create empowered boundaries

The alignment of their True Self

And best of all you can try without any risk, because If you don’t recover you can keep the program without paying anything at all.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So have a look for yourself.

Yes, I’d like to have a look at the program
The New Life Newsletter is undergoing a slight change in format. I will be increasing the amount of emails with lots of new exciting things such as helpful articles, podcasts and much more…

I want to continue to provide as much to the community as possible and I hope that this new format should facilitate that perfectly.

If you have any feedback on future blog articles and emails I would be very grateful to hear it on the blog.

Last week my client’s session was about discovering her inner child and learning how to nurture it. If you haven’t read it yet please take a look as it will help understand my client’s  next step of her journey.

This week, when my client started learning to embrace her inner child, we found the next ‘block’ preventing her inner child by being fully accepted by her. Deep down she hadn’t forgiven herself for her past behaviors and choices. She hadn’t learned to forgive herself, even though conceptually she thought she had.

When we haven’t forgiven ourselves, we are not fully accepting our broken and unhealed parts. Because of this, my client could not fully embrace her inner child unless she ceased judging herself.

I would like to explain more about this…

Non-forgiveness is resistance, it is not acceptance, and it keeps creating our separation from self, and the re-enactments in our life of all that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for.

Why? Because life and our soul will keep co-creating all of the conditions necessary to show us how painful and unnatural it is to not love and accept ourself, in order to bring us home to self-love and self-acceptance (our most natural, desirable and authentic state).

Let’s look at this deeper, with a combination of logic and energetic reality. Can you comprehend and understand that everyone in the world does exactly what they feel is ‘right’ at the time of their actions given their present emotional state and fears?

Can you realise that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, (lets please get rid of the judgement and black and white thinking that never served anyone), because there is only emotional impulses and reactions or responses that do create desired results, or take people further away from what they really want to experience.

Let’s use the example of feeling unloved and uncared for by your partner. If you feel this pain intensely, and don’t know how to ask for your needs to be met appropriately, you may throw a tantrum. You may cry, scream, justify, play ‘poor me’, demand or blame. Do you think this is going to create the love, support and attention you really want?

No, of course it won’t!

Does ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ Serve You?

Was this ‘right’ or ‘wrong’? Or was it simply a reaction coming from your emotional pain that, at that time, you didn’t have a skill set to handle differently?

If you didn’t have the skill set, (the healing of your ‘trigger’, and the awareness of how to do it differently), how can you blame yourself for reacting to your pain? You can’t! You were doing the best you could at the time with the tools that you had…

Mind you, in regard to not blaming and judging yourself, please know you are still responsible. This does not mean that other people should jump in and sort out your lack of skill set for you. It never was their job.

They are not responsible for you, your conduct, or the creation of your well-being – this is your responsibility.

And it is not their job to cut you some slack and forgive you for acting in ways that did not inspire their love and connection to you.

They don’t have to forgive you, understand your pain, or know you were doing the best you could…

You need to forgive you.

Their part with you, concerning the abuse they inflicted or / and received, and even their reasons for deserting you and leaving you (if they did) are all to do with their own personal journey. They energetically (at soul level) co-created this dance with you for their own healing and evolution, which they may become conscious about and apply and heal, or not…

Mind you – truly, none of that is your business.

…What is important is your business with yourself

Are You Your Past Or Your Future?

When you don’t forgive yourself, you spend a lot of energy in your unnatural state, which means that you are not free to flow into your true, natural state. You have resistance which means that you judge yourself, dislike yourself, or may even have deep inner self-hatred.

You may compulsively go back into the ‘what if’s’, ‘I should have’s’ and ‘If only I had done this or that things could have been different’…

By being ‘the enemy to yourself’ your energy is wrapped up in survival and the inner torment over your past, rather than flowing forward into new pro-active and healthy creations.

You will continually attract people and situations in life that represent how you feel about yourself – and what you did ‘wrong’, which of course is a terrible reality to live.

Our souls are ingenious, and are always in direct collaboration with life. At soul level everything we experience in life is blessed – without exception. And in fact is always ‘right’ in that it is a divine creation and is working in perfect and divine order. The combination of our soul and life is always showing us ‘where we are at’.

If we are aligned with ourselves and integrated (love and accept ourself) we produce and experience more of that, and if we are unconscious, and non-aligned the same applies.

Being aligned and integrated feels great, it feels amazing, and life delivers wonderful and desired results.

Being unaligned and not integrated feels like pain, fear and emptiness, and life delivers the exact opposite of what we truly want.

Life and your soul are always working for you to help you become your authentic, natural state, which does and must start with accepting and loving yourself.

There is no way to get past this point, other than to become it.

What Is There To Forgive?

What is there to forgive when the real you (your soul) perfectly co-created with life all of the circumstances, reactions and results to show you what you needed to heal and get aligned with?

Thank goodness it did, otherwise you would not know how to create a better reality, inner peace, and true ‘oneness’ with yourself, and the bliss and security of knowing what it is to be an Authentic Self creating an Authentic Life (the greatest gift you could ever experience).

Do you understand the Gift you have been presenting yourself by ‘doing it wrong’?

Do you understand that the highest level of forgiveness is: There is nothing to forgive?

Do you think that forgiving yourself is ‘wrong’ because it means you won’t be accountable unless you keep punishing yourself?

If you do think this, please throw that belief system out the window!

When you are holding yourself separated from yourself (non-forgiveness) you are nowhere near creating a different way, or the true solutions that will set you free.

You’re not even on the football field, let alone near the goals.

When you accept that it was all in perfect divine order, that you were doing the best you could with the tools that you had, the pain that you inflicted on others was an experience they called forth for their own evolution, and all of the results granted you perfect feedback to work on yourself and evolve, then you can say:

Yippee! Thank goodness I was showing myself Who I am not, so now I can change ME in order to become WHO I REALLY AM!

Then….

You open the space for responsibility and self-growth, and you leave the old painful reality behind.

Double Yippee!

When you draw a line in the sand, you have a clean slate. Now you have all of the energy and the space to get on with your life, rather than rolling around in the mud, the non-forgiveness, the self-judgement, the pain and re-creations of your ‘less than’ past.

…and more and more of that…Ick!

Why on earth would you want to keep living that reality?

Your Essential Self-Development

Truly, self-forgiveness is vital. It rates right up there with releasing co-dependency tendencies, and learning how to implement healthy boundary function.

The great thing about taking responsibility for self is the realisation that you no longer have to change and fix anything outside yourself (which always feels powerless, uncontrollable and disappointing).

Because when you do work on yourself, everything in your outer experience changes, and starts to fall into place – truly EVERYTHING!
Please post any comments you may have about forgiving, or struggling to forgive yourself.

Some aspects of our inner child may be healthy, happy and safe, and others not so much. Therefore within certain topics we may feel safe and solid, and can make conscious and healthy choices about the data we receive, and other times we will be triggered and emotionally over-react and won’t.

It’s the parts of our inner child that feel uncomfortable, unsafe, threatened and afraid that keep showing up in our life, and keep creating pain, havoc, loss of love, and all the things that we truly don’t want to experience.

So Why is Our Inner Child Wounded?

Many of us came from difficult circumstances in childhood, where we certainly did not experience unconditional love. Our parents may have been to busy to be present, one of both may have left us. We may have suffered unrealistic expectations, criticism, emotional abandonment and abuse. We may have had rules and regulations forced on us whilst we felt powerless. We may have been violated and felt that all our emotional, physical and mental rights were taken away from us.

We may have also viewed many examples in our outer world, or how our parents operated or treated each other that represented much less than unconditional love.

The Modelling of Our ‘Gods’

As children we did not have effective boundary function (that was impossible) and we were completely powerless in regard to the level of care, love and attention that we received from our outer world. We were in fact totally dependent on what our providers were or weren’t doing with us, and our environment.

If conditions weren’t safe, healthy and loving, our terror may have been so extreme that we equated loss of love with the terror of not being able to survival – emotionally or literally.

As children we hadn’t established the ability to be our own creator of energy – and we looked to the outside in order to gain this supply. This was facilitated by our parents or caretakers, as they were the source of all of our feelings and survival.

Because they were our all powerful source, unconsciously they had to be ‘right’, and therefore anything they did that was ‘wrong’ (unloving and uncaring) had to be our fault. Therefore if you were brought up in less than loving and caring conditions you automatically unconsciously believed the reasons you weren’t being loved and cared for were because you were too defective to earn or receive it.

The Wounds that Lead to More

This created an enormous split within yourself. This caused you to not love you, believe in you or know that you are in fact worthy of being loved. This caused you to keep unconsciously seeking out the ‘parent’ who would love you and care and provide for your safety.

The problem is you unconsciously kept picking the same parents! Whether you liked it or not every love choice (and often friendships as well as work situations) tended to represent trying to get ‘the original parent’  your ‘source of everything’ to love you, care for you and allow you to feel worthy.

Conversely, If you did choose people and situations different from the original parent, who were in fact capable of true love and support, then you would have no option other than to sabotage the experience, and keep creating it as: “I’m unlovable, unworthy and defective.”

Your inner child may also be known as your unhealed parts. These are the parts of you that have never recovered from feeling unlovable, unworthy and defective.

Generally there are two ways that people deal with these unhealed parts of themself, and may slip between both methods (generally one approach will be dominant though).

The first is to declare “I am not going to be needy. That is too vulnerable and unsafe”, which leads to projections occurring when these unhealed parts are triggered. When the fear of being unlovable, unworthy and defective strikes, the inner child switches to fear, then resentment, and the blaming of someone on the exterior for these defective feelings.

This of course only pushes people away, leading to MORE proof of: I am unlovable, unworthy and defective.

The other tactic the inner child may take is to say “It’s not okay to get angry”, and simply give more. This is the wounded inner child who believes that trying and clinging for more closeness, more approval and more connection is the only way to prove that he or she is lovable.

This is of course creates a disintegration of personal rights and boundaries, and is an open invitation to exploitation and abuse leading to MORE proof of: I am unlovable, unworthy and defective.

The bottom line is: No-one else is responsible for the attention and help your inner child requires to heal these feelings of being unworthy, unlovable and defective.

Your inner child is looking to you to be the parent that never was…..because only you can be this source of energy authentically to yourself.

If your inner child is not at peace, not healed, and not feeling safe, then he or she can only act in defective ways, that will create defective results that will provide the very opposite of what it is that you TRULY wish to experience…

Namely love, safety, happiness and peace.

From the Safety of the Cave, to LOVE and Authentic Safety

The reason I am writing this today, is because I had a regular Quanta Freedom Healing™ session with one of my favourite clients today..

During this session this lady was struggling to integrate the shift when it was time to bring her re-aligned inner child into herself. When we investigated this, the reason was “If I drop my guard to go and pick up my inner child, cuddle her, fill her, and bring her in to me, I’ll be exposed, vulnerable and unsafe”.

This got my thinking. I realised that often when we put our armour up and defend ourselves against getting hurt, at that same time we’re shutting our inner child out in the cold.

We went through a visualisation together whereby this lady was in her cave, locked and battened down, protecting herself from the pain she felt, and her inner child (the symbol of her pain) was left outside the cave – feeling broken, empty and totally abandoned by her.

In order to get her out of the cave to pick up the child an Ultimate Reality Shift (part of the Quanta Freedom Healing protocols) was needed. It went like this:

“In this space / time reality there is no outer experience – there is only the inner experience (what we believe, feel, vibrate at) which in turn creates what ‘turns up’ in our life. Therefore being integrated in love, truth, self-acceptance and peace is the creator of what you really want.

Therefore the ONLY way to be safe is to take down the defences, leave the cave, and go and pick up the little you, and fill her with love, acceptance, safety, and connection (everything she has always wanted) in order to be SAFE. This child’s vibration is the creator of everything you fear. To stop the fear, help her change her vibration, and then you will create what you want.”

It’s important to understand that the inner child vibrates powerfully. Our little inner self drives our emotional experience, which then create our beliefs, actions or non-actions. Our little inner self has powerful fears regarding love, survival and the fear of not existing and being annihilated, and interprets triggers ‘childishly’ that can easily set off fight, flee, or self defeating mentality such as ‘I’m worthless, it’s helpless, there is no hope for me.’

Your little you is controlling your vibrational manufacturing plant. If your inner child feels unlovable, unworthy and defective, you haven’t yet left your cave (egoic and fearful self-defences) and picked him or her up to heal these negatives feelings, unfortunately you will continue to experience more of what you are attempting to defend yourself against.

I explain why resisting something, actually causes you to experience more of it in last weeks post How to Find True Freedom and Keep It. I received a lot of positive feedback from this post, so if you haven’t checked it out yet take a look.

After the Ultimate Reality Shift (which prepared her unconscious to feel safe and aligned) my client took down the defences, left her cave and went and picked her inner child up. She then filled her with love and acceptance, and cuddled her into her, and let her melt and integrate into the safety and truth of those feelings.

Her inner child came home…

My client realised profound truths straight after that happened. I was a beautiful and emotional moment.

She realised that the lack of love and support that she believed her entire love experiences was based on, were exactly how she had been treating her inner child…

She also realised that the reason why she was trying to control love, rather than allowing and trusting and receiving love, was because she had held her inner child separated from her own love. Effectively her inner child didn’t believe she deserved love.

In the visualisation, her inner child told her how much she had missed her, how separated she had felt from her, how painful it had been, and what a relief it was to be in her arms loved by her…My client told her inner child how good it felt to be reunited, and that she wasn’t going to leave her again. That she was there to love, support her and help her from here on…

Her inner child then said, “Good! Now I don’t have to keep doing dumb things, react stupidly or cause pain in order to get your attention so that you’ll start granting me the healing, love and support I’ve required from you forever!”

This is what integration with our inner child is all about…

This is what removing painful reactions, sabotages, poor choices and painful repeat events is all about…

This is what healing ourselves and experiencing a completely different reality is all about…

In Conclusion

I hope this has helped you realise more about who your inner child is. If you find the term ‘inner child’ too cliché, then you may call him or her anything you want. I like referring to the inner child as the ‘little me”. You may call your inner child, my unhealed parts, my disowned parts, my fearful ego, my instinctual reaction, or maybe the part of me that keeps doing what I don’t want to keep doing, yet I seem powerless to control it in the moment, regardless of the consequences I know it creates!

Please get out of your cave, and go and pick your inner child up. Nurture him or her, and ask him or her “What is it in these moments that you are really scared of? How are you really feeling? Why are you REALLY doing these actions that you know are not creating healthy and happy outcomes?”

Then listen to the answer…

I hope you get the picture, and now I hope you realise more about what is really going on when you are struck by panic, fear or anger and seem helpless to manage these feelings..

True Freedom is the being at one with Self and Life. It’s about being at peace.

Sounds great doesn’t it?

But how do we get there, and most importantly how do we stay there?

Breaking Free from Co-dependency

Undoubtedly the first step to achieving True Freedom is breaking free from the amnesia that has been imposed on the human condition – co-dependency.

We have all been modelled to believe that we have to get our self from outside of our self. We have all come from conditioning and programming that has led us to feel that we are unlovable and unworthy. Many structured religions stated that if left to our own devices that we are carnal and that we will do the wrong thing. We were told that we were worthless and empty unless we filled ourselves up with something greater than ourselves…We were made to feel shame, guilt, and self-judgement, and that we were unacceptable as our self.

Our parents and our peers were also modelled under the same conditions. We were not exposed or brought up by role models of healthy self-love.

Unfortunately this feeling of being empty and unworthy caused us to turn to ‘the outside’ in order to try and feel whole. We didn’t trust ourselves, we didn’t know that we were lovable and worthy, and we believed we could never feel this way on our own.

We looked out to life and pleaded “Please will someone or something come along to make me feel okay about me!”

And we did feel okay, if someone was loving us, or if we had a new car, or a new home, or a new wardrobe or hair do. If this happened, we would temporarily feel good about ourselves. But what happened when this person decided to stop loving us, (or didn’t keep telling us they loved us ten times a day) or when the novelty of our new car wore off, or after the first month of setting up our new home with furniture and decorating expired, or when our new clothes became a part of our everyday routine?

We went back to feeling unlovable and unworthy.

Why? Because we always believed that our own good feelings had to be provided from the outside. We didn’t realise that WE are the source of this to ourselves, and being this source is in fact our natural state that the conditioning of ‘the outside has to provide it’ disconnected us from.

The only way out of this painful bind is to wake up from the illusion. Can you see that it became very easy to control you? Can you see that it made you buy stuff? Can you see that it encouraged you to go into debt creating certain institutions to flourish?

I love the story about Buddha. This story goes like this: Buddha said to man “I have hidden your divinity somewhere where you will never find it”.

So man determinedly wanted to prove Buddha wrong, and set out to find his own divinity. He scoured every inch of the planet, the deepest oceans, the highest mountain, and the farthest ranges. He searched every nook and cranny.

Man came back to Buddha and said “You’re right you have put my divinity where I wouldn’t find it. Please tell me where it is”. Buddha replied “You were only ever going to find your own divinity after you had exhausted every other avenue. Your divinity has always been within you, it is YOU.”

Breaking free of co-dependency is the first essential step to break free from the powerless and imposed conditioning that has rendered you unworthy, unlovable and empty. It has caused you to forget the greatest truth of your entire existence, which is: Nothing outside of you can give you YOU, only you can.

And then, true to Law of Attraction, you then become the energetic force that attracts ‘more of you’, because that is what you have always done! Then there will be no more attracting, maintaining and participating with who, and what makes you feel unlovable and unworthy.

Boundaries are EVERYTHING

I can’t state this enough, boundaries are what allows us to create and keep our true freedom.

It is astounding when we don’t have a grip on boundaries, we have no idea what they mean, how to implement them and that we even have a right to implement them in our life.

Co-dependency and lack of good boundary function truly do go hand-in-hand. When I was a total co-dependent I used to believe that people owed me good behaviour. I had a righteous indignation regarding people that acted poorly and didn’t respect others. After all I was a good person – I wouldn’t treat people that way! How dare they?

I remember, way before I had any sort of grip on boundaries, I was on the phone complaining to a girlfriend about a lady who was blocking my parking spot in the street. I said to her “How rude, I can’t believe this woman does this!”, as well as a whole heap of other associated judgements and self-righteous statements.

My friend listened patiently (she was much more evolved than me at the time) and said “Have you asked her to move her car?” I said to her “No, why should I have to, she should just know!”

Wow! Boy did I know nothing about boundaries, and boy was I a powerless whining being!

When you do understand boundaries you realise that it is about being aligned with the truth of your life and being prepared to calmly and clearly back it.

It is also about knowing that NO-ONE owes you anything!

Please understand no-one is responsible for your well-being, emotional vibration and truth. Why not? The answer is simple – because YOU are the creator of it!

It was not surprising that I regularly attracted rude and violating people – because I was taking NO responsiFbility to be the caretaker of my life…I was instead playing the ‘righteous police’ from a very passive-aggressive, powerless place.

Since understanding boundaries, I totally accept that people can be and do whatever they want to be and do (everyone has their own model of the world), and that isn’t my business. What is my business is Who I Choose to Be, and what action next to take to live the way I want.

That is True Freedom – knowing that I can create my truth, regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing, because I can create and maintain my own alignment and safety in life. I can (without judgement, fear or pain) ask for what I need, and if people don’t have the resources to be respectful, than I can take further action (like an intervention order if an extreme case), or choose not to participate. It’s not personal – it’s just me walking truth, and my well-being is not dictated by anyone else.

I am the creator of it.

Acceptance and Resistance

The next step is: Understanding the difference between Acceptance and Resistance.

You may think that when you say “No” to something, and state you don’t like it, and think it stinks, that you are eliminating it from your life.

Wrong!

When you charge on something, when you think about what you don’t like, when you talk about it, when it annoys you, hurts you or creates your despair, you attract more of that into your life.

Imagine walking down an enormous corridor with a mural on every wall. Imagine that this mural has pictures of pain and destruction, and pictures of love and bliss, and everything in-between. If you take your eyes and focus to the pain and destruction and judge it, you start feeling it, and in fact your body starts to feel it as well.

Why? Because you have just invited this pain and destruction into your reality. You have in fact vibrationally become this pain and destruction.

What do you think is going to be vibrationally drawn into your life now?

Resistance is judgement. Resistance / judgement comes from the human illusion that something is ‘wrong’ or ‘right’.

In Ultimate Truth (which always sets you free) there is no such thing as ‘wrong’ or ‘right’. There is only what serves you and what doesn’t serve you to create Who You Are and what you want to do.

In the physical Universe every polar opposite exists. There is hot / cold, up / down, light / day. All of this needs to exist because you can’t have one without the other.

There is also of course the vibrational polarity of fear and love.

If you condemn any of this (or anything that ‘triggers’ this) then you are holding yourself separated from the version you do want to receive / achieve.

Your job (once working through releasing co-dependency and creating healthy boundaries – which is essential first), if you truly want to be Free – is to accept that all of it exists, and all of it has its place and none of it is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

It is all meant to exist so that you can be a conscious creator observing it all, and then choosing to focus on your preference in relation to Who You Are and What You Want To Create.

Any time you judge, and ‘make up’ (yes it’s a choice) that what you are experiencing is ‘wrong’, that ‘wrongness’ is Who YOU Become and What YOU Start To Create because you have connected to it and made it your reality.

When I learnt this stuff, I realised very quickly (when I had my awakening on the bathroom floor that day) the simplicity of the Ultimate Reality Truth I have written here. I knew I had a long way to go, but realised where I had to go to achieve True Freedom. So I got started on it…

In every area of my life that I was judging, I stopped myself. Instead of bringing the horrible vibration into my being as a result of my believing it was ‘wrong’, I started to bless and accept this thing in my experience and used my observation (without pain and fear) to make the decision as to whether or not this was My Reality, and to be My Truth and act accordingly.

Astounding things started immediately happening. I stopped dragging into my experience all the things that I didn’t want – namely fear, abuse, violation, catastrophes, hold-ups, disappointments and betrayals (I had a lot to work on).

I broke Free.

I stopped trying to fix and change the aspects of life that used to keep showing up that were hurting me (because I judged them as ‘wrong’), and in fact these things stopped turning up.

I started flowing towards who I really was, and what I really wanted. I was consciously choosing the pictures in my mural of life, and easily detaching from the pictures that were Not My Reality..

I love the ‘NMR’ acronym!

Why? Because when something comes into my life that doesn’t serve me to create Who I Am, I just say “Not My Reality!”

Give it a try…

Acceptance is True Freedom. Because when we have acceptance, we fear nothing. We realise that life is not meant to be perfect. We realise it has a flow, and a system of ‘tide in’, ‘tide out’, that it has it’s cycles – just like the moon, and menstruation.

We realise that in the down turns that we can be in acceptance, and each time we have a downturn that observation and deciding Who We Are in relation to this downturn always creates growth opportunities to expand and heal a previous problem that was keeping us stuck in painful patterns.

We then are able to evolve and create a higher and higher vibrations for ourselves because of these times. Therefore we can welcome these times without fear and in total acceptance..

Night must come before day, and when we do a ‘night’ in acceptance we create consciousness, and when day breaks we start experiencing days that were more glorious than we could ever imagine.

If we keep doing resistance / judgement in our ‘nights’ we stay stuck in pain and fear, and we get nothing but night after night after night.

Daybreak never comes.

Maybe you will start to realise areas of your life that you judge as ‘wrong’ whilst trying to force them to be ‘right’. When this realisation first dawned on me, I knew that I was judging many areas of my life, that were continuing as patterns in my life – patterns that didn’t serve me. What areas of your life do you find yourself judging the most?

When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realise there is no closure.

There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realise that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.

Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”

These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.

From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?

Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!

Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it…

For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…

You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.

However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.

It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.

There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.

This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.

Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?

I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…

As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.

In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.

Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…

I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…

In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.

True Closure

Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.

Being a victim creates powerlessness.

Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.

This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.

There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.

This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.

This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.

When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

Your True Closure is this:

• What happened was meant to be for very important reasons.
• You hadn’t previously realised that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen.
• Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered.
• You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself.
• You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and
• This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment.

From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like.

I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.

You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…

By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…

and you will 100% know…

No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!

You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.

If you found this article helpful please join over 20,000 people who receive weekly guidance on how to not just survive… but thrive after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which lay out the vital first steps you need to take in order to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

Please feel free to post your comments in regard to your experiences of non-closure with the narcissist and how you feel about this topic…

I’ll give you an example.

Let’s say you have your heart set on a man who is non-committal and unavailable. He makes hints that there is a future for the two of you, yet right now you don’t have a rock-solid relationship with him.

You may find that you feel compelled to show him what a great catch you are by showering him with love, support and kindness. You hope that by doing so that he will fall in love with you, change and decide that he really does want a relationship with you.

On the surface this may seem really reasonable and logical, however let me fill you in on what is really going on here.

Doing the Opposite of What Works

He won’t change, not tomorrow, not next week, and not ever….

The reason is: He doesn’t have to…He can have you granting him all this attention, and not have to take the risk of commitment (because he has fears regarding it, or can sit with his original decision that he doesn’t wish to commit to you – and can wait around and see if someone that does inspire him to commit turns up). Quite frankly you giving and loving him is NOT going to change anything about where he is at.

Why? Because he has no reason to change – he can stay non-committal and get rewarded for it by yourself!

Why on earth would he want to change?

There is only thing that might possible change him, and that is YOU LEAVING!

That means removing your love, your giving, the excuses you’re making for him, the blame you are putting on yourself about ‘not being good enough’, ‘having to earn love’, ‘having to prove you’re lovable’ – in short all of the defunct ways of you trying to make him commit to you ,and let him MISS YOU…Let him understand that he can’t have you in his life (and all the wonderful goodies that go with it) unless he DOES commit.

If he said, “I need to think about it” or “Maybe one day”, or “I need time”, or “I’m not quite ready” – then give him as much time as he needs to think about it – ALONE!

This gives you the greatest chance ever of him changing, and you getting your needs met – which are truly a committed and real relationship.

If he really does have a thing for you and realises (when you’re gone) how much you mean to him, he has to change in order to have you and all the great stuff that goes with you!

If he doesn’t step up, and doesn’t come to you with a commitment, he was never going to! What a relief to know that you weren’t going to hang on for more days, weeks, months or years to a man stopping you from being open and available to a great guy who wants what you want…and can provide you with the real thing.

The greatest truth here is: No-one is going to love, respect and COMMIT to you, until you do that for yourself. Being in a relationship and hanging on without a commitment is POINT BLANK not providing yourself with these things.

The Energetic Laws of Life and Love

Now, let’s look at – if you are in a committed relationship.

Understanding Law of Attraction is important here, and aligning with the indisputable Energetic Ultimate Realities of life is very helpful.

Let’s say your partner does something that really annoys you, upsets you, and leaves you feeling unfulfilled and unloved. In saying so, please remember it is important to understand whether or not you are in a relationship with a narcissist, because please know if you are, nothing you do is going to change your unhappiness and pain (that is other then leaving)…

However, please know there are many non-narcissistic (NPD) relationships that cause pain, disappointment and feelings of being unloved. In fact it can be argued that every relationship will go through its trials and tribulations, whereby you may not like your partner, but it is very important to remember that you love him or her, and this is why the following information is very important…

Law of Attraction states: Whatever we focus on we get MORE of THAT!

An example may be: If your partner is always working and not available enough for you – your focus or resentment, disappointment and frustration will only create more of that which you are angry, disappointed and frustrated about…

Therefore getting angry, sad, frustrated and voicing (possible vehemently) your pain to your partner sets up a How to Lose situation – and you can bank on the situation getting worse and worse…

The same goes for every situation in your love life where you feel your needs aren’t being met.

“Unfair!” You say “Shouldn’t I be able to speak up?!” Yes of course you can…for sure! But I didn’t make the Energetic Rules of Life up, and truly I am more interested in giving you solutions that will work rather than doing the treadmill of round and round in circles, repeating the same pain and frustration time and time again…

Wouldn’t you like to know a better way? I hope you would, because I’m about to show you how…

Ascertaining Critical and Non-Critical Values

A very interesting dynamic of life (and we are all connected to it) is that everything we ‘attract’ which is painful relates to an unhealed part within ourselves… so not only do we have the opportunity to heal our relationship connections, and get our needs met, we can also heal and transcend the parts of our inner personality that have been unconsciously tripping us up in the love dynamics we’ve been experiencing.

If you are in a relationship that you feel isn’t working, or are considering a relationship that hasn’t fallen into place yet, I would like to challenge you to put pen to paper and do the following exercise.

You may find this exercise spooky but in a really good way…because it will bring you a lot of clarity…

Let’s start…

1) Make a list of the values that are important to you in a relationship.

Some examples may be:

• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Commitment
• Exclusivity
• Trust
• Respect

If you are currently having a specific issue with your partner, one that leaves you feeling let down, because it’s a value you’re not receiving, then note this value too. An example may be: “Time spent together”

2) Write down your partner (or prospective partner’s) attitude to your list of values. Be as honest with this as you can. Don’t write down ‘what if’ or ‘potential’. Write honestly about how this partner (or prospective partner) is with you right here / right now. Writing down “He says he wants to commit to someone one day” is delusional. If he hasn’t committed to you (and believe me when I man wants to commit you totally know about it), write “He doesn’t value committing to me”, because this is your Accurate Truth.

From this first part of the exercise, you will see whether or not you and your partner (or prospective partner) are seriously mismatched. If indeed the vital aspects of Integrity, Commitment, Respect and Exclusivity (as examples) are missing, you do in fact have unliveable differences which are never going to work for you.

These are values you must not compromise on. If these values are breached it’s time to honour yourself and leave this relationship in order to connect with someone who does align with your critical values.

If however critical values are not being compromised and the issues involve non-critical differences then the relationship certainly does stand a chance of healing.

Please note: If your critical values are breached, the rest of this exercise is NOT relevant for you. Please only proceed if your needs are not being met on non critical issues ONLY.

IF you don’t wish to leave the relationship even though your critical values are not being met, then PLEASE commit to healing work on yourself – because you are not going to create REAL LOVE in any shape or form in your life until you do!

The Gap Between What You Want and What You’re Receiving

You must realise from this point on we are only involved with ‘partners’, and not ‘prospective partners’.

There is no point playing any relationship situation in your mind unless you HAVE a relationship. Without commitment, exclusivity and Integrity there is NO relationship. The only relationship you need to be working on right now if getting one right with YOURSELF, and this is necessary before you can attract and receive a REAL relationship.

Now if you are in a real relationship,

3) Write down the treatment you would like to receive from your partner

An example may be:

• He’s in love with me and connected to me
• He values our time together, and makes ‘us’ a priority
• He is supportive to me in times of need

You can make this list as long as you like, and make sure you list the desires you feel you are not presently receiving in the relationship.

4) Write down the perception of how you believe he treats you in regard to these topics. Be honest about how you feel from your perspective.

This part of the exercise will grant you the information to really understand how far What you Want is away from What You are Receiving.

5) Go through the list of what your partner is not granting you, and do the honest self reflection about whether or not YOU provide yourself with what you want. If you’re not totally honesty with this question, you will miss the healing point and the ability to shift these problems in your life.

Example:

He is not supportive to me in my times of need.

Question to self: Am I supportive to myself in times of need?

Honest answer: I am hard on myself when I slip up, when I get something wrong or when something goes wrong in my life. In fact my inner dialogue is all about beating myself up. I don’t support myself emotionally, and I actually have trouble asking for support from others. Then I expect support, and get resentful when i don’t receive it.

Continue on, and do this honest assessment for every point where you feel your needs are not being met.

This part of the exercise will reveal an astounding truth to you. And that TRUTH is: the things that we are not receiving from life are usually the things that we are failing to grant ourself!

By doing this part of the exercise you’re creating an incredible shift. You are losing the resentment and the focus on what you aren’t getting, which renders you powerless, and coming home to the place where you do have the power to make changes, which is within yourself.

Is the Relationship Worth Working On?

If you want to work on your relationship, and you know that critical values are not compromised, then you can energetically create astounding changes that will improve your relationship and create wonderful win / wins, whereby YOU (and your partner) can both have your needs met.

These are:

1) Drop all blaming, expectations and resentment, and apply the awareness and self-ownership that YOU have had a large part to play in manifesting the ‘less than’ results you have been receiving.

2) Start granting yourself the support, love and aspects of your life that you feel you have not been receiving

3) Ask for what you need in loving ways that inspire and allow your partner to want to step up for you and the relationship

4) Express gratitude when you see any sign of receiving what you want (no matter how small). Tell your partner how happy it makes you feel when he or she does whatever it is that you want.

5) Write a list and great detail of all the beautiful things you love about your partner, focus on these things and feel your heart expand with the love and joy, in order to create the attraction of more of that

6) Write down a list and great detail regarding what you want to receive from your partner as if it has already happened. Focus in the warmth, joy, love and gratitude you feel from receiving these things in order to create more of that.

Try this for two weeks, and make sure you work through this diligently and then consciously focus on it every day. You don’t have to believe it will work – just try it!

What have you got to lose? Nothing! That is nothing other than the horrible feelings of pain, resentment and unhappiness and more unmet needs!

I hope this has helped you. Truly there are too many relationships that become toxic, and end, when they truly don’t need to.

Every relationship offers a grand opportunity to heal, because truly every relationship is an incredible forum that exposes our unhealed parts.

Every relationship is a gift – totally!

Because every one of us is an incredible vibration creator – the most important part of creating a healthy relationship, and getting our needs met, is losing our toxicity, the fear pain and resentment of what we’re not getting, and moving into the conscious and empowered vibrational creation of what it is that we truly want.

If you go through this exercise, and still come up against blocks of pain, fear and resentment and know these negative emotions are getting in the way of creating a healthier relationship, then you truly do need some help.

Quanta Freedom Healing is the most effective way I know of achieving the shifts you need.

Great luck manifesting wonderful love, and getting your needs met flowingly and effortlessly!