Your mind is so busy going over the lies, betrayals, and your incessant questions to yourself “How could this happen to me?” “How could they do this to me?” “How has my life turned out like this?”  that everything seems overwhelming. Simply focusing on mere survival, such as eating, sleeping, paying bills and running your everyday life can feel like torture.

Any of the things that could bring you joy and energy in life, are filled with pain, emptiness and dread, because your mind is all-consumed. Maybe even when your loved ones, friends and children talk to you it is almost impossible to be present, supportive and loving.

We know we aren’t going to be free until we can evict the thoughts of the narcissist and what he or she did to us from our mind – once and for all.

The problem is that the natural human response to evict these thoughts is….. to do more thinking!

This is incredibly ironic because we are trying to get off this particular bus, yet we end up putting our foot down and driving harder!

When I was initially trying to recover from narcissistic abuse with the use of my mind I spent years consumed by trying and solve the “why’s” and “how’s” with logical rationalisation.

And I was getting nowhere, I was still stuck in the pain, the fear, and the abuse.

That was until I learnt that I wasn’t going to be able to evict the thoughts of him through my mind, it required something much deeper…

In today’s article I want to share with you the most effective way to get relief from the all consuming thoughts, so you can start to enjoy everyday experiences like: Spending time with your children and family, taking a peaceful walk, enjoying a particular hobby or just being with yourself in a safe and comfortable environment.

This level of calmness and peace, without the incessant painful thoughts, is essential for you to be able to start creating your great life.

Shooting Yourself With the Same Bullet

The narcissist did the damage, and your mind is continuing his or her job of annihilating you – even if you have managed to get away and stay away – and if you haven’t, your mind may still be stuck in the pain, the abuse and the strategy of survival, trying to navigate the narcissist, force accountability and/or get the love that your dream of having with this person.

If you have got away and stayed away, you may be astounded how you are still stuck in the painful thoughts – and they may be worse than when you were with the narcissist because you now have time to go over and over what happened. All the things that don’t add up, that you can’t make sense of…

…especially the thoughts of HOW?

How could anyone behave like this?

How could I have got myself into this mess?

How could this happen to me?

How am I ever going to recover?

No matter how much you try to think to get an answer – you can’t find ones that get the narcissist out of your head.

Think of it like this, the narcissist shot you once (on a particular situation), and by you going over and over it you have re-shot yourself with the same bullet 1000 times.

Why We Can’t Stop Thinking by Doing More Thinking

You can NOT stop thinking by doing more thinking.

Your mind is the enemy keeping you in pain and torment.

Moving on requires being able to move past your mind and heal.

If you don’t, your mind is going to keep battering you.

You know that when your mind is going over and over the painful thoughts you continually feel the anguish of what happened.

Your mind whilst trying to think yourself out of the pain is driving your painful emotions into more and more pain.

Until we know better we think that we have to find the relief through our mind.

This is impossible – and let me explain why.

It is your emotions which originally dictated how your mind was going to respond. We all have the urge to try to shut off the emotional pain – and until we learn how to do that in a conscious way there are two ways we avoid dealing with our pain unconsciously – which is what we are always doing when we try to get relief through our mind.

We either

1) Direct our painful thoughts at someone outside of ourself, (in this case the narcissist), or

2) We try to find some logical ‘reason’ to grant us relief and peace.

You will know from your experience of narcissistic abuse, regardless of where you are at in your healing journey, that neither of these strategies work. Directing the pain outside of yourself only keeps you stuck in a victimised addiction cycle, and trying to find logical reasons only ever provides short lived relief at best, it never ‘sticks’.

You may have noticed how your mind searches determinedly for a ‘reason’ that will grant you relief from the pain, and then within hours, or even minutes or seconds you find yourself going back in to re-think the whole thing over and over again.

This ‘reason’ never held for you…

Your mind only has these two options, and the more they don’t work, the more the mind determinedly focuses on trying to make them work – which then turns into obsession.

The more you obsess, the harder and stronger the energy of the narcissist is in your mind and this takes over your entire life. We feel drained, powerless, and in intense pain and our ability to function effectively gets less and less.

Moving forward does not happen through your mind…

So How do You Evict the Narcissist From Your Mind for Good?

When the narcissist is continually in our head, we may believe that he or she is performing a psychic takeover, or that we won’t be able to get the narcissist out of our mind until they leave us alone, or move away.

The empowering truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the deal, your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you it is not about the narcissist.

When we have emotional pain and painful thoughts they are ours. We have to accept ownership for them.

You are responsible for your own healing – and nothing outside of you is going to be your saviour – you are your saviour.

In order to carry out your own healing you must recognise the following truths:

1) The intense emotional pain (which is causing your mind to try to ineffectively control it) is all coming off wounded parts of yourself that have been triggered by someone’s actions outside of you.

2) Your inner wounded parts are still stuck in the illusion that your wellbeing, life and truth is dependent on others and what they are or aren’t doing. These wounded parts are still precarious, insecure and not empowered. They are waiting for you to heal them so that they can shift out of this illusion and know you are create the real life you want and that it is NOT dependent and precariously connected to what another specific person is or isn’t doing.

3) You have to do the soul deeper work on these unhealed parts to release the emotional pain, and then the narcissist will be evicted from your head.

When they do this inner work your emotional self will no longer be vibrating in pain, fear and dread, and then your mind has nothing to try and ease, control and solve.

I know how awful it can feel to have your life totally consumed by the painful thoughts of the narcissist and I really, really hope this article has helped you realise that to get the narcissist out of your head you have to stop thinking and start healing.

Our mind is the source of unconscious living, it keeps us separated from our inner self, our inner healing and the creation of our truth.  If we want to take back our power and be the true creator of our life, we need to go deeper. We need to get out of our mind and into our inner healing path.

If you have any questions or comments please post them below, I try my best to respond to all of them.

I hope you enjoyed Part One of “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It”. If you haven’t seen it yet please do so before watching this video.

I am really excited about Part Two, because it will grant you an even deeper understanding of narcissistic abuse, and how it has affected you.

After watching Part Two you will learn the following –

• How your emotional mood can have significant impact on what you experience in your outer world. This gives you awareness to set up mastery over your emotions in order to improve your life in powerful ways.
• How when you accept a belief as real, it affects how your life plays out. This will help you realise that in order to live a better life, you need to change your inner beliefs first.
• How you can use your most powerful tool – the unconscious mind  –  to release the negative beliefs you accepted when you were narcissistically abused.

Introduction to Part Two

While going through the depths of narcissistic abuse you feel lost, broken, powerless, anxious and incredibly depressed. It feels like you don’t have the confidence, energy or will to feel better, or to make anything positive in your life happen.

When I was suffering from narcissistic abuse (before I found the answers) a typical day would begin like this. I would wake up with extreme anxiety and dread. The thought of facing the day, trying to relate to people and go through even the most mundane and ‘normal’ tasks felt like someone was asking me to climb Mount Everest.

Before I discovered how to heal myself, I had no idea how I was going to get through anything, let alone re-build my shattered life.

We know that narcissistic abuse causes a tremendous negative impact on our emotional wellbeing.

We can’t feel confidence, positivity or joy.  Every situation is fraught with feelings of being overwhelmed, the fear that we won’t be able to function, the fear that we could get it wrong, and the fear that our life is going to get even more overwhelming and difficult to cope with.

We find it extremely difficult to trust other people, everything about life, and most of all we feel so crippled we don’t know how to trust ourself.

When the slightest thing goes wrong we can easily spiral into feelings of pain and complete helplessness.

It is no coincidence that when you are riddled with feelings of dread and fearing the next horrible thing happening to you, that it impacts your entire life and as a result you continually experience recurring painful results.

Not only that, your dreams of having a happy life with a loving partner, and creating a glorious future have been crushed.

You no longer believe you will achieve any of this. And whilst you are suffering horrific agony, your inner identify believes things won’t get any better.

This is because narcissistic abuse affects us at our deepest level. We accept and absorb the pain and the abuse as core inner beliefs.

After suffering narcissistic abuse, the beliefs of yourself and how you thought your life was going to play out have been altered significantly and horrifically damaged.

What Did You Think of Part Two?

I felt really inspired when I created this video because I know it can really help you to understand how to get to the real issues in order to heal them.

Did you understand this message? Is it clear for you? Are you now understanding why your life has felt so shattered, and are you realising the deeper level that you need to address in order to heal?

Once again if you could go to Youtube, ‘Like’ the video and or leave a comment I would be eternally grateful.

The video series I have been working on in the background for the last few months called “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It” is complete, and today part one is released.

By the end of this series you will understand what has occurred to you energetically as a result of narcissistic abuse,  and how you can use this knowledge to start recovering faster than you could have ever imagined.

Part one of this series lays the foundation to understand:

• How and why we become addicted to the pain and abuse from the narcissist.
• How we feel that talking about our pain helps, yet it actually makes our recovery process take longer.
• How we can cement our deterioration at a physiological, psychological and emotional level, and not even realise this is taking place.

What Did You Think?

This is my first video production on melanietoniaevans.com, and as such I would really appreciate your feedback.

Did you get benefit out of this show?

Was there any parts that could have been explained better?

If you liked this show I would love you to go on Youtube and “like” the video and send it to your friends or family. This will help to spread this important message.

My goal is to share with the world these important truths about narcissistic abuse, so please know any little bit of support for this mission helps, and I am eternally grateful!

One thing is certain with narcissists; when you separate from them and still have legal property or custody to sort out …

They will pathologically lie.

As such, you can expect fabricated stories, twisted facts and downright dirty tactics.

The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies he or she wants to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if he or she has been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course, disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

You will initially be shocked when you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose. People who enter into relationships with personality-disordered individuals usually have high integrity. As such, you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, “How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?”

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological “stink” – because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you have been subjected to ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, declined to answer questions, and would bring absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old.

You know that he or she has created lies and smear campaigns against you in the past and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to have resolved), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment onto you and making their inner demons your fault.

You know this person can lie and falsify documentation and has told you how he or she did it in the past to gain the upper hand, secure a deal or manipulate a situation.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma and feels entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity of an organisation or the reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses and injuries to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issue.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological – to “defend” themselves, “one-up” the situation, and believe that the ends justify the means.

So truly, WHY should this be a surprise?

Narcissists are a false self – they don’t have a conscience and are great at lying. Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they believe they are living, completely different from how they truly feel.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is an inbuilt survival mechanism. You see, narcissists believe that truth does not serve them. They believe they are unlovable and unacceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies; otherwise, the narcissist will have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

Realise It’s Not Personal, and There Is a Gift

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – his or her lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth.

What you see is a gift; it confirms the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who is a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do.

Do you know why people with moral compasses are not pathologically liars?

The answer is: that their conscience doesn’t allow them to.

Narcissists do not have that level of inner emotional equipment.

Use this experience as a blessing to further confirm that the narcissist is not your reality.

You know he or she is never to be trusted again. Remember, anyone capable of pathologically lying and operating without a conscience will never be a suitable love partner.

Now, it is your job to let go of any personalised feelings you are suffering due to taking on the brunt of the narcissist’s pathological lies.

I promise you it’s not your stuff – the narcissist’s rubbish and sickness – not yours.

So take your focus off any pain you perceive from what the narcissist is doing – and just focus calmly on being and walking your truth. Narcissists are sloppy; they are loose cannons with big mouths, push their egos forth, and tell outrageous lies – they simply can’t help themselves.

You see, narcissists act horribly, don’t take accountability and try to ease their pathological shame in attempting to prove they are right. Of course, the excuses, smear campaigns and deflections are all lies – because the narcissist will try to line you up and accuse you of exactly what he or she is doing.

Often they will state these lies by text or email.

Record all of them.

When you have the documents, statements, and witnesses to disprove the lies, do so with police, solicitors and judges calmly and clearly.

How to Bring the Narcissist’s Lies to Light

In all cases I have dealt with a person who is in combat with a narcissist’s pathology – I have seen them win easily whenever:

1) All pain, personalisation and angst regarding the narcissist’s lies are released. This allows you to shrug off the rubbish, disprove it easily, and put forward the truth.

2) When you know it is not your job to make immature five-year-old adults with low emotional intelligence act decently, you have a clean space to act intelligently and rationally.

3) Record and document all of the narcissist’s behaviour and communication. Have the dates, make the relevant connections and bring these to light with authorities factually and calmly. You will find that the authorities easily see the truth, patterns and pathologies.

4) Follow through calmly, regardless of what the narcissist throws at you, knowing you are aligned with living in integrity and truth and that you are integrity and truth. Don’t worry about the outrageous allies and smear campaigns the narcissist is trying to use against you. Know this firmly: The truth wins out – ALWAYS.

Truly, narcissistic lies are false power; they are as flimsy as the lack of reality holding them together. Truth is solid and real, and life supports you when you are in truth.

Darkness cannot operate within the light; you will see the narcissist’s hold crumble when you know that and be that.

Therefore, all you have to do is stand up in solid truth and be that calm.

If you’re not there (solid on the above 4 points), work on yourself first and don’t tackle the narcissist when taking on the pain from the muck – because if you do – he or she will win.

If you found this article helpful, please join over 130,000 people who receive weekly guidance on surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse. You will also receive 2 free ebooks which outline the vital first steps you need to take to recover.

You can sign up for free here.

I would love to hear the comments from people who have detached, focused on being true to themselves, and have seen the narcissist’s false power crumble.

Your insights will greatly benefit those individuals who still need to go through police, settlements and custody matters. As such, your post would be a lovely and inspirational contribution.

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life you wish to live and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits, and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behavior at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behavior and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person, at some point, seemed like the love of your life, and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behavior and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately, only to be set up for another soul-destroying experience.

In this article, I will show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal—boundaries—to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being, and even life.

Nothing is worse than being set up maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behavior, have had their near-death experience (wake-up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy to address their inner toxic issues causing their selfish behavior, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a massive difference between a person who has misbehaved, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection, and poor behavior.

If this person has the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you, you must make a lot of this shift.

But it won’t be due to you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be a result of you “fixing yourself.”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles, and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead, live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article, I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people for whom I truly feel there is little or no hope.

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

• Pathological liars
• Serial sex addicts
• Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or who use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
• Physical abusers
• Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
• Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic, or psychopathic behavior

Suppose your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories. In that case, I believe the chances of reform are incredibly slim, and I would suggest moving on and continuing to move on. This is my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise, that is fine.

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

• Hitting rock bottom due to “loss” – generally, this loss will be you.
• Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created, and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
• Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
• Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
• Complete focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
• Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, the actions match the words.
• Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
• Not displaying entitlements, jealousy, or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting that it’s because of their behavior that you were in that position
• Willing to talk to anyone else in your life who doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being while conducting themselves in total humility and accountability to help support you
• Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
• Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you read above may be outlandish or even seem incredible. I promise you some individuals have treated their partners abusively and have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

Quite frankly, their partners, after losing trust and having their hearts smashed, should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also, nothing less than full accountability, actual boundaries, and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure that narcissistic behavior does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you receive this authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We know they can say precisely what we want to hear, cry, plead, and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back into the relationship to get a narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic, malicious web. In such cases, it has nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see, it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her, “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly, “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now, you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they must prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom.”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out a lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff onto you. Narcissistic behaviors are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain to be addressed and healed; otherwise, the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly) who accept that their behavior is defective and that their life is not working for them, and others want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and is not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who hurt you are never safe unless they provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame-throwing, and excuses are unacceptable—even spasmodic. They either accept that what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between being “about you” or being “about them.”

If you have been abused, it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love, and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of a rebuild. Believe me, it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if you consider taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like, “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that,” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, the demands, aggression, projections, blame-throwing “poor me,” and guilt trips start again?

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact, and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

The Million Dollar Question

Now, I hope you realize the question isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The question is: “Is this person going to step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

You will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / now, the answer is “No” unless it ever happens, and the answer may change.

In the meantime, you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that aligns with truth, integrity, love, and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Indeed, you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

If your situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters, and find out if this person is natural, if the love is real, or whether it was an NPD relationship.

Be clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth, and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute, and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries always run a considerable risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they initially walked away from ….

This is another life and death – make-or-break deal… totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety, you are abusing yourself.

There are Solutions

I want to take you on a little bit of an analogy here…

Can you imagine having repeated problems with a car? No matter what work you have had done on the engine, the breakdowns keep occurring.

It seems like every time you think you’re cruising down the road safely and happily again, something goes wrong…

…bringing back the familiar dread of Noooo! Not this again!

What if, though, finally you found the right mechanic, with the right answer, who could solve this problem?

It’s absolutely possible, because I hope, like me, you believe there are always solutions – you’ve just got to find them…

The Real Solutions

The real solutions are in coming into your personal authentic power, which is the opposite of being in the midst and aftermath of narcissistic abuse – which feels incredibly crippled and powerless.

Narcissistic abuse feels horrendous, and of course the ongoing pattern of it in your life – from parent, to partner (and also maybe bosses, colleagues, friends etc.) – all gets beyond a joke. Rather than cave into the horrible cynicism that people are awful, and that you are a continual victim at the hands of monsters without conscience, it truly is time to turn it all around.

This is done by switching your energy, and solutions back to ‘self’. You see, you actually have no power to change anything or anyone outside of your circle of influence – which effectively means that you have no power to change anyone outside of yourself.

• You have no power to…
• You actually have no right to…

The Truth Sets You Free

In order to come into your own power, start with these two points above and own them – and this means claim them as Truth…

If you do, immediately your emotional body will start coming back into its Truth – and it may be frightening at first, because you have been led to believe that your life can improve by trying to control someone else, but when you accept that it can’t and doesn’t, then you begin to gain personal foundation.

Now from this point, it is really important to understand that the longer you research narcissism, the longer you keep you focus on ‘why he or she did that’, and the longer you see yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, the longer you are separated from coming back to your true authentic power centre, and finding the solutions that are going to change your life.

It’s important to understand the phenomena of narcissistic abuse, so that you know it is a Personality Condition and that it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. But then, having done that, leave it alone, because you need to start working at the true solutions for self.

The previous car that I mentioned, is not going to ‘get better’ by putting its focus on the road, other cars, other drivers, or trees beside the road. The car needs to have the work done directly on its motor.

You are no different.

What Doesn’t Help Your Vibration?

If you don’t want to keep reliving the patterns of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to start becoming aware of your vibration.

Do you understand your vibration? Your vibration is your emotions, and they are the language of your soul. Your emotions let you know whether you’re on track, or off track. They let you know if you are getting well and more empowered, or if you’re stuck as a victim in the feelings and pain of abuse.

Can you realise that if you are engaged on narcissistic abuse recovery forums having conversations about narcissistic abuse, how bad it feels and sharing stories, that your energy often feels depleted, anxious and empty? Can you understand that if you sit up for hours and hours researching why narcissists do what they do, and all of the different narcissistic derivatives for hours and hours, that you feel the same way?

It’s a simple Law of Attraction fact – that whatever you focus on brings more of that into your vibration. And your vibration knows this and this is why it starts feeling ‘yuk’ when you continue to keep rolling around in the narcissistic muck.

The Illusion of Protecting Yourself

As human beings we are misled to believe that by absorbing ourselves in more of what we don’t want, that we will be better armed to pick it, defend ourselves against it and avoid it.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The more we feel, are aware of and are vibrating in the pain of what happened to us, the more likely we are to unconsciously keep playing it out, and attracting it into our life.

Knowledge is helpful, but ultimately your best defence is to change you because when your focus, energy and alignment are created with what you do want, then you are no longer a match for what you don’t want.

I have found conclusively, that the people who are experts on narcissists, who have not created the solutions with themself, are still very susceptible to re-live the experience of “why does this keep happening to me?”, because unknowingly they can be blind-sighted (despite their immense knowledge) and attract and allow another narcissist, yet again, in their life.

Please know: Your life is not created logically. It truly is engineered emotionally.

Bringing Your Energy Back to Self

Let’s have a look at how to bring your energy back to self.

This entails understanding the belief systems (engine problems) that have made us susceptible to narcissistic abuse repeat breakdowns.

This starts to get exciting because by understanding these problems you can then start fixing them…

Please be very aware this is not about being ‘defective’. Life is not about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is about ‘what does work’ or ‘what doesn’t work’ in relation to the life that you truly want to live.

Lovely people often have many ‘tweaks’ necessary to not be susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

I am not suggesting that you’re the one who is ‘wrong’, where I am leading you toward is the understanding that certain aspects within your belief systems don’t work in regard to creating and maintaining healthy, safe love..

I promise you it’s not your fault – society and conditioning modelled you this way.

You see life is based on many illusions that created us as co-dependents and empaths. And this invariably meant that we believed our job was to give and to keep others happy, and that by being this “good” person that we would be loved and accepted in return.

It’s a lovely theory, but truly in regard to attracting narcissists, it’s a sad and devastating recipe for abuse and disaster.

By becoming co-dependent, you lost a sense of ‘self’. This meant that you did not know that you were capable of ‘holding and trusting’ yourself in times of pain. You believed (due to enmeshment with others) that other people were responsible for your happiness and well-being, and that it was your job to make them happy, safe and responsible enough to supply you with your great life.

You believed that your life, security, happiness and well-being was dependent on what this person was or wasn’t doing. Absolutely as a child this was very true, you were precariously dependent. As an adult you’re not – even though it feels like you are…

See how messy it starts becoming?

Men and women (and goodness was I one of them!!) who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse have the following characteristics:

They:

• Have problems asserting their own needs and rights
• Find it hard to say “No”
• Believe it is their duty to give
• Can easily feel guilty and take the blame in order to keep the peace
• Feel dismayed and incensed by people that don’t have the same level of morality, integrity and values
• Feel mortified if people don’t think you have integrity
• Model how they feel on how other people around them feel
• Believe a love partner is responsible for their well-being
• Feel terrified about being strong and capable enough to make life work alone
• Believe it is their job to sort out and fix other people’s life
• Will hang on whilst being abused, rather than break away and honour self
• Struggle to define and uphold personal boundaries, and will hand over self, energy and resources rather than risk abandonment, criticism or not being loved.

…and this list goes on and on…

Again I will empathise, you are not a bad person. This list is often a description of the nice person. You may righteously want to remain this person, and think that everyone else (especially narcissists) should change – but I promise you, that if you adamantly take this standpoint – you are going to lose.

You have just set up a world of good guys / bad guys with leaving yourself totally open to keep suffering at the hands of the bad guys.

It is not up to the bad guys to change in order for you to have a better life and love experience. Why Not? Because the bad guys are NOT you! They are NOT having your life experience, and they are NOT responsible for it.

Can you imagine saying “I’ll never be happy while he or she is a narcissist?” or “I’ll never be safe and happy while there are bad people in the world?” Good luck with that! I REALLY hope you can see how powerless and self-defeating that is!

How to Change

Okay, so back to YOU! (Which is where your true power and ability to change is going on)…

Truly I don’t want to give the bad guys too much energy, because really they don’t deserve it – but YOU do!

Let’s go back to the list…the list of the nice person, who desperately needs to smarten up their personal boundaries, and personal power…

Personal power looks like this:

• I can assert my own needs and rights.I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
• I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
• I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
• I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
• I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality.I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
• When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
• I know that I am capable of being in my True Centre regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
• I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
• I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work.And so it is!
• I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be.My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
• If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
• I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job.I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honour me, as I honour myself, will be my reality.

Can you see what a difference this would make? Can you see how this would change your life beyond description?

Can you see how this would put a stop to your pattern of being narcissistically abused?

Can you see how by honouring yourself and being in your personal power how you would command respect, love, commitment and truth from people that have the resources to be that, and you would stop playing with people that don’t?

You Will Become Even More Loving and Giving

Please don’t for one moment think by coming into your True Power that you will stop being a loving, giving person!

In fact you will be a healthier, more loving and giving person, who would serve yourself and life in so much better ways. You will be able to give more genuinely, because your energy is not depleted, resentful or uncomfortable, and you will stop enabling people to not be accountable.

You will no longer be a target for abuse, and you will inspire others in your energy to step up and start taking responsibility for their life, their self-esteem and their True Self.

Imagine how much healthier and happier it is, to give of yourself safely and authentically to yourself, your family, your loved ones, your friends and the community. Imagine interacting with individuals and communities who are also genuine, which means you will begin to receive love, support and commitment from life.

All because you created this change…

Being Accountable and Working on it

Can you see now what the true solutions are? Can you see that no matter how much information you obtain about narcissists, what to look for, who they are and how they operate is not going to stop the pattern?

Can you understand that by doing ‘outer information’ only that you are avoiding the true work on yourself that will set you free?

Can you understand that somewhere, somehow, you have to commit to your journey of self to change this?

The people who stop their cycle of abuse accept it 100%.

This is what you have to accept – that the chinks in your boundaries and personal power have made you a target for repeat abuse – and I promise you, this is why this has kept happening to you.

It happened to me – time and time again…

It happens to so many others time and time again…

That is, until you break the cycle for good.

Making the Commitment

Breaking your cycle of abuse can take lot of commitment and it can be hard work. It took me 2 years to find the formula that worked for me.

If you feel that some extra guidance and support could help you, I can give you my formula that has helped hundreds of individuals recover from their abusive pasts in a much shorter time than it took me.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program was developed using the formula from my own healing journey and has been put together to provide genuine recovery from narcissistic abuse for anyone worldwide.

99% of people that start the program gain at completion:

Detachment from narcissistic pain

The ability to release co-dependency and create empowered boundaries

The alignment of their True Self

And best of all you can try without any risk, because If you don’t recover you can keep the program without paying anything at all.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So have a look for yourself.

Yes, I’d like to have a look at the program
The New Life Newsletter is undergoing a slight change in format. I will be increasing the amount of emails with lots of new exciting things such as helpful articles, podcasts and much more…

I want to continue to provide as much to the community as possible and I hope that this new format should facilitate that perfectly.

If you have any feedback on future blog articles and emails I would be very grateful to hear it on the blog.

We may experience this in many different forms. Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are their soul mate, that they truly love us, and they can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance. And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us, and is trying to rip us apart in property and custody battles.

These behaviours are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.

Of course this feels personal, and the narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear that we may have had about ourselves, namely I am not lovable and not worthy of being loved.

Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with a narcissist loved this person, and kept loving until it hurt – horrifically. We can agonise about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realisation that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.

In all of the people that I work with, and within my own narcissistic abuse experience, this situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past, and to come to terms with. We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought our love with this person was.

As human beings with a conscience, compassion and love to give, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving, or that they can profess love one minute, and do the exact opposite the next.

This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect and share our lives with another person. Loving and the being able to share love is as natural a desire for us as it is to breathe air.

When we look at our version of love we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept, why the narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.

Understanding Why the Narcissist is Incapable of Love

In order to come to terms with The Narcissist Never Loved You, you must understand why he or she acts the way narcissists do.

• The narcissist does not operate as what we know is a ‘normal’ human being.
• The narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork and co-operation into his or her life.
• The narcissist believes he or she has to remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
• The narcissist needs to dump his or her internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault in order to try to relieve his or her tormented inner self.
• The narcissist needs to steal energy (‘narcissistic supply’) in order to attempt to fill their own pain of inner emptiness.
• The narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy, and doesn’t have the resources to give energy once having secured much needed supply.
• The narcissist through damaging a person close to them, experiences the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
• The narcissist cannot genuinely feel love, but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
• Narcissists know that intimate people in their life, who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger, and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.

From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable. The following information may be confrontation, but the reason I am expressing what I am about to say is because it will help you understand what narcissism is…

If we are all honest with ourselves – we know that the times when we feel empty, worthless, scared and insecure that we may have acted in manipulative ways, and even hurt other people in order to try and feel better within ourselves.

Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty. If we live our life through a lens of fear and victimised feelings, we feel separate, unworthy and unlovable, and may act narcissistically when seeing other people as the enemy.

Hopefully these times are momentary, and because we have a conscience we often regret what we have done – and apologise and take responsibility. If we apply self-realisation, we realise that these tactics of fear, separation and egoic defence mechanisms do not procure healthy results, and accordingly we decide to grow up.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you were stuck in this programming with no way out? This is exactly the reality for the narcissist who has such an over-developed, fearful and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that the narcissist simply cannot operate in any other way. If he or she momentarily does, as soon as self-loathing and fear re-surfaces (which are the narcissist’s powerful inner drivers) the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.

Quite simply the narcissist can’t and doesn’t grow up.

You would have experienced this many times. Just when you think the narcissist gets it, takes responsibility for the poor behaviour and professes to change, My Hyde appears again, and you’re going back through the same abusive, non-sensical and mind-bending patterns. You continually feel like you are battling with an irrational 5 year old.

If you are really honest with yourself – you know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist is incapable of love, because the narcissist is incapable of loving and accepting his or her self. The enemy within becomes the enemy without – and everyone is the enemy because of this self-loathing – and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means you are the closest target on this list.

The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realising He or she never loved me, is the acceptance of the truth that a narcissist does what a narcissist does, because they are a narcissist.

The Truth will always set you free…

Your Soul Truth

(Feel into this…)

When we resist The Truth, our healing process cannot begin, because we try to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be’. ‘What is’ simply is – and denial means our emotions and life will keep beating us up until we accept the truth. Delusion, denial and non-acceptance are resistance which creates our self-disintegration, because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.

When we accept The Truth we finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.

One thing is for certain, you can’t make a narcissist love you, and in fact you can’t make anyone love you, you can only learn how to love yourself, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards you.

Like so many others I used to seek myself through others. I had numerous partners, even before the narcissist, whereby I only felt loved if they were loving me. I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself. As a result I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me, and stayed attached to them in this futile exercise.

When I realised The Truth, which all along was: This had always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.

No longer was I attracted to unavailable, addiction prone or narcissistic individuals. THEN healthy people that showed me genuine love became my reality.

I explain in detail how you can make this change in my eBook How to Recognise and Heal Co-dependency.

(Please note this eBook is included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program)

Additionally, you will learn how to reject people that don’t love you, rather than believing and feeling that it is you that is being rejected.

In order to get real love you must understand:

• It isn’t anyone else’s job to supply you with ‘love’, it’s your job.
• Your loveableness does not rely on any specific person’s level of love or non-love.
• When you don’t love and back yourself, you will rationalise away the warning signs, the pain and the abuse, and try to make an abusive person love you in order to feel whole.
• You haven’t previous to, and during this abuse, felt ‘enough’ or ‘lovable’ unless someone else was granting you love, and you felt rejected and unlovable when they weren’t.

Coming Home to Loving You

The Laws of Life and Energetic Reality is an absolute force and the foundation of all reality you experience. This system is undeniable, and can’t be shortcut.Your experience in life will only ever supply and provide you with what it is that you are supplying yourself.

The ‘gap’ that the narcissist was able to operate through is: You hadn’t yet learnt healthy boundaries, how to love and respect yourself fully, or how to let go of the ‘dream’ that someone else was going to provide your love and safety and inner fullness for you.

All of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, lovable and ‘enough’ as a result of another person confirming this for us. The truth is, we hadn’t as yet confirmed these essential ‘self commodities’ within ourself. We hadn’t realised the absolute need to genuinely love, respect and back ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.

The realisation ‘he or she never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity, and the way home to the love we really want to create in our life. The crippling pain (which is arguably like no other) has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.

When you do the work on this, you will know that it is irrelevant that the narcissist isn’t capable of love, in fact that is the narcissist’s issue and curse in life to bear (the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love), whereas you do have this ability, and you (unlike the narcissist) can turn your love experience around.

This is not about the narcissist – this was always about you. The narcissist was simply a catalyst showing you the truth.

When you do the work on your inner, a person who is incapable of love will not be your reality. You will no longer agonise over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and the wasted years of your effort and love, and you will come home to yourself genuinely and create genuine love in your life.

Your healing is the need to let go of the need to gain yourself through love from the narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving yourself.

You are capable of creating real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others. That is the life you deserve.

Once accepting and being at peace with ‘the narcissist didn’t love me’, you have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of giving you back to loving yourself.

Those of you that have come to terms that the narcissist never loved you, please share your stories and insight into how you overcame this hurdle.

It will help and inspire many to do the same.

Remember, you can always remain anonymous.

As we know, narcissists often act in ways that defy all definitions of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean, and exhibit unjust, aggressive, and abusive behavior that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse, and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and you’re likely known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore, you will be dismayed and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately or abide by basic human morality and decency.

You will likely fight for decency and morality. Before long, you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behavior’ as if talking to a 5-year-old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity; therefore, why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably, you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity is, in fact, one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly, understand that narcissists purposefully target people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

• You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
• You will typically work overtime cleaning up these messes.
• You are the perfect person to blame because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist rather than leave despite the abuse.
• By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult, you will hand over lots of much-needed narcissistic supply (attention).
• The narcissist can accuse you of a lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc., etc.), which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
• You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares,’ willingly sharing your resources, time, support, and money.

By preying on your need for integrity, the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact, you may go out of your way to prove a point and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist, by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair,’ does not want to conform, and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact, the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it and loves it because it gives him or her ample opportunity to keep mining supplies. In contrast, you keep trying to force him or her to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole, and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand, and securing a narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty, painful void within – which would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is no way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact, the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behavior, and the intense gas-lighting, maneuvers, projections, justifications, and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long, you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies, you will feel so empty, tormented, and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments, he or she has a wide-open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a bloodthirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, so an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

These include:

• Outrageous lies to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
• Gas-lighting techniques to get you to doubt yourself.
• Imagined allies to back up his or her claims.
• Malicious comments to maim you.
• Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
• Expert projection is to determine what he or she did your fault.
• Purposeful, outrageous, and childish, non-sensical comments to incense you.
• Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
• Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking and you none.
• Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are, the more delight in abandoning you).
• Attacking you regarding your distress, hysteria, or anger within the argument.
• The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics. Suppose you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissist’s tactics. In that case, the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …), or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained a narcissistic supply and the omnipotent knowing that he or she can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. His or her values, needs, and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

The More you Need, the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument, you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now, as a result of the argument, you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, and the more accountability you need—and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue.

You know when you are disintegrating and completely losing yourself because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row and start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s Facebook, phone records, and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus utterly obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

You can no longer supply yourself healthily with your basic emotional needs, sustenance, and safety, and you can no longer effectively look after your practical and even survival needs. You may find eating, sleeping, paying bills, and functioning virtually impossible.

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably, you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the most significant fundamental lessons of life and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong, we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality). My experience is wrong because of this thing being wrong, and therefore, I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example, if you do something bad to me and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction), I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do, I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are, however, no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the truth of my life, but I can’t now because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed that my life can’t be ‘right’ now because you exchanged with me in a’ wrong’ way. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right.’

Understandably, this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to, I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong.’ The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgment) of ‘wrong.’ I take it personally. I make other people’s behavior about me and judge who they are. I try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself.

…all because I have not as yet learned the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love, which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose the TRUE journey for me. Therefore, if we are not a match, thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself. I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we resist it. By resisting it, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it—yet in reality, we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behavior and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist. With this acceptance, you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own well-being.

The gift of learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of life’s resources at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not align with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully on creating what it is that you want.

If this article resonated with you, I would love you to register for my free 16-day recovery, ‘You Can Thrive Program.’ In this course, I share my healing system, Quanta Freedom Healing™, which has allowed thousands of people from over 50 different countries to break free from narcissistic abuse and start new lives filled with abundance, freedom, and joy.

Please click here to reserve your space for this free event.

I hope this article helped you realize how much damage fighting for accountability is causing you. Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong,’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is making their own journey in their own way, given their world map. Now, set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours, it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.