As you look at the rubble left lying at your feet it can be very easy to beat yourself up.

You might think, “How could I have been so stupid?” “How could I have let this go on so long and get so bad!” Or, “I have ruined not just my life but also my children’s lives…”

It is very important to understand that when you are stuck in shaming and blaming yourself it’s impossible to start forgiving yourself, and ultimately start recovering.

Forgiveness can be a very hard step to make. But it is one that is truly vital for you to move on and start feeling better.

That is why an entire module in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is dedicated to this very important step.

In this article I am going to share an exercise from module 3 of NARP: Forgive Yourself and Life For What You’ve Been Through.

After applying this exercise you will begin forgiving yourself for the pain, trauma and devastation you have been through, and what you have subjected the people you care about to, so that you can start moving into the acceptance, healing and claiming of your true life.

You probably have realised that it is essential to forgive yourself. You know that when you are stuck in blaming yourself you don’t feel good and things don’t start getting better

But you might be asking “How’ do I forgive myself?”

Before I show you “how” I want to touch on something that you must understand first.

Why We Blame Ourselves

We’ve often been so focused on things outside us that we lose ourselves. Often, in the aftermath when we take a look at ourselves, we can be deeply disappointed with who we are.

The truth is that we usually blame ourselves, at some deep level, for everything that goes wrong in our life. This self-blame is trigged by feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness. These feelings of disempowerment have to be healed. Forgiving ourselves is an essential release from the past. If we don’t, we risk re-creating anything negative that we haven’t unconditionally accepted about ourselves.

We might have spent weeks, months or years enduring much more than necessary in order to understand the lessons. It was our resistance to soul truth (listening to, honouring and acting on our feelings in truth) that caused us to be trapped in pain, negative thinking and disappointing experiences for so long.

At the end of the day, all of it was at some level meant to be. Our ‘less than’ actions and choices were a gift; we manufactured them at soul level as a lesson that grants us the opportunity to create new beliefs and choices that empower us.

This is what I mean when I talk about narcissistic abuse providing ‘the gift’ to clear up your unhealed parts and childhood wounds.

How to Forgive Yourself

Learning to forgive yourself can be extremely challenging at first.

You may have been stuck in blaming yourself for so long that you don’t know any different. This is normal and what I have observed from members in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is that when they apply this technique I am about to show you (combined with the Quanta Freedom Healing therapy in NARP) they are able to shift mountains of self-blame and begin moving forward into forgiveness almost instantly. (Even the ones that seemed the most stuck initially).

So let’s get started.

Get a Journal and Pen and know that you will need quite a bit of time and a few sheets of paper. Makes sure you won’t be disturbed.

STEP ONE: Write the heading: How I perceive the painful mistakes I made.

Now write out the details regarding how you let yourself down. Don’t hold back. Write as much as you can.

STEP TWO: Embrace Your Feelings Fully

Now write about how you feel in regard to what you wrote in Step One. It is really important to have a good cry, or be angry as your write the words describing your feelings. Don’t hold back with your emotions, and make sure you use feeling words. You may wish to google ‘feeling words’ to grant you some ideas. Please know that painful feelings must be acknowledged in order to be shifted.

STEP THREE: Bigger picture perspective.

Now write out – ‘Even though what I have done to myself hurts, I recognise on a soul level I was really granting myself the gift of understanding and healing my unhealed parts – so that I can create a true, real and wonderful life.’

Now write down a list of the ‘gifts’ – the new positive belief systems regarding ‘what has happened’ that you now realise and can commit to creating.

Please note that these will be the opposite of what you did attract and receive, and how you did ‘behave’ (the old painful beliefs / unhealed parts).

Such as:

• Men / Women I love are faithful and honest and possess integrity
• Love equals support, truth, kindness and love
• I now honour, love and respect myself enough to lay boundaries
• I am now the supplier of my own emotional wellbeing and life. I have the power to ‘be this and attract more of the same….

Make this list as long as you can, by digging deep into reversing all the things which did happen.

 STEP FOUR: Gratitude

Now write out – ‘I thank myself fully for perfectly co-creating these experiences to finally come home and fully heal.’

Really feel this statement…

Closing Message

I know forgiving yourself can feel extremely difficult at first. As co-dependents we tend to blame our self for everything that goes wrong. I’ve been there and I totally get it.

Be conscious of when you start shifting into self-blame and remember to be kind to yourself.

Before you know it you will begin to recognise that on the other side of your narcissistic abuse experience (or any other hardship in your life) is a gift to keep growing and learning. And once you do your life will just keep getting better!

As I mentioned before The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program helps you shift mountains of self-blame and rewrite the pattern of self-blame you may have been living your entire life.

Members of the program describe this as a huge relief, like a weight has come off their shoulders, and it feels like for the first time they can sense life in a completely different way – a way of freedom and unconditionally loving and accepting themselves. If this is something you would like then please have a look at NARP here.

Please share any questions and comments you have below. I’d also love to hear what you thought of the forgiveness journaling exercise as I am planning to include many more practical exercises in future articles if they help you.

I remember how painful it was and how powerless I once felt.

And I remember that before I made the switch to taking personal responsibility, I was getting sicker and sicker and more and more broken, and the more I looked to the outside, the worse it all got.

This all turned around when I turned my focus inward – to my emotions and committed myself 100% to healing them instead of looking on the outside for answers.

In this article, I am going to talk about emotional mastery, why it is so important, and how it can be the difference between continuing to suffer narcissistic abuse or moving forward into a narcissistic-free life.

I was prompted to write this article after releasing last week’s article, “Nothing Is Real With Someone Who Is False.”

For the people who read the article, there was an understanding that this article was about us getting real—it was about understanding our ability and necessity to be honest with ourselves and create our own narcissistic-free life.

I was a little shocked that initially, the people who were responding to the article had completely missed this and were all about being focused on the narcissist not being real rather than taking their necessary responsibility for themselves.

You can also listen to the Empowered Love Radio podcast I recorded earlier this week. The Q&A Show: What Comes First—Emotions or Outcomes? It is one of the most important radio shows I have ever seen. If you can set aside 45 minutes this week, it will be worth it!

The #1 Block To Your Recovery

The belief is that your emotions CAN ONLY CHANGE if things change in your outer world.

This is the belief that the shattered feelings you are experiencing as a result of narcissistic abuse can only get better if – he or she stops doing what is happening, if somehow you can make this person accountable if you can get the authorities to intervene, if you could just get justice, if you find out as much as you can about narcissists and what makes them tick, or maybe if you can meet someone else who will love you and stop this pain.

The common theme in all these things is that they seek something outside of themselves.

All of these things are not you taking responsibility to emotionally heal yourself.

I know that when we are terrorized, incensed, devastated, and in intense pain and fear, we react and we try to make something different happen so that our agony can stop.

I know all of these feelings, and I know how distinctly normal and human they are.

I promise you I understand them entirely and I am not judging them as ‘wrong’.

I simply observe this: they don’t work!

And please… to get well – the following is your number one formula to understand.

Without this essential starting point – you will simply keep trying to stop the pain in ineffective ways, which only creates more pain.

I know I tried it. I threw everything I had at trying to change circumstances while being in my soul-shattered anguish – and (humbly) I am intelligent, creative, and capable (as many narcissistically abused people are) – and I have seen more people than you could imagine trying to operate in this normal human mode against narcissists. I have never seen one example of it working to create a healthy recovery.

I promise you this!

Accepting That Your Life Does Not Work When You are In Anguish

Think about this. Has anything you have tried to fix or solve in your life worked when attempting to fix it under emotional distress?

And please know I am not talking about the instant adrenaline rush we may have (fight or flight), such as if we were about to fall off the edge of a cliff and would grasp at something to stop this from happening.

The reaction is helpful…

Let me give you some non-narcissistic everyday examples.

Imagine, while suffering from emotional distress, tackling issues such as trying to fix a house appliance that isn’t working or getting another person to understand how you feel on a sensitive topic.

You may have observed that if you are trying to fix something on your computer while in total frustration, the solution doesn’t come. Yet when you walk away and come back in a better emotional state – the answer ‘comes to you’ – or a person who may have the answer ‘pops into your mind.’

Have you noticed that when you are emotionally charged and annoyed with someone, they either combat or avoid you, yet they are receptive when you come to them in your heart space and inwardly peaceful? (Note that this is about non-narcissists.)

Have you noticed that if your emotions get the best of you and you decide to shop or drink to ease the pain, at the time, you may feel some instant gratification, yet after the spree has worn off, you feel even worse?

Please understand that a boxer in a ring must respond calmly and centeredly. If he loses his head and gets triggered into fear, pain, or anger, he is likely to react in ways that do not benefit him and could easily get knocked out.

The same is true for a driver who starts to lose control of her car. If she stays calm and centered, she is in the best possible state to escape the predicament safely. If she loses emotional control and reacts, she will likely steer straight into the tree she is panicking about hitting.

When we have emotional mastery, we have the highest chance of creating positive outcomes from these stressful situations (or any others).

Narcissistic abuse is powerfully showing you this.

I have heard from people so many times. “Don’t tell me to get control of my emotions – HOW CAN I when I am being this abused?” Or… “How can I when my children are being hurt like this?” Or… “How can I not be devastated when he ran off with my best friend, and my children stay with them now?”

I know that when people don’t believe they can create emotional mastery, calm, and centeredness despite what is happening to them—and don’t want to make every effort possible to heal their emotional self—there is nothing I can do for them.

Please know this: I am not interested in the contemporary recovery model of years to recover – if ever. I am not interested in people being stuck in pain indefinitely with little progress over extended periods.

I promote real solutions that do work powerfully.

My mission is to help assist with this worldwide devastation as authentically as possible.

I want you to join the movement of saying ‘NO’ to ongoing suffering.

The truth is no amount of information about narcissists, no practical knowledge, and no ‘tactics’ are going to stop the pain from happening in the contemporary way.

I’ll use myself as an example….

It didn’t matter how much I knew about narcissism, it didn’t matter how much I tried to combat it legally and with police, and I didn’t matter how much I learned about ‘tactics to get on with my life’…the horrific pain ensured, and was not letting up.

And absolutely nothing in my outer circumstances was getting better.

In fact, they were getting WORSE despite my head knowledge.

The reason is that I did not understand that I could create myself as feeling better until something on the outside changed—and it just didn’t!

How it All Turns Around

That was until I took the ultimate responsibility for changing my life, which is:

Positive outcomes will occur if I change my emotions before waiting for outcomes.

And they did – more powerfully and more incredibly than I could ever imagine in my wildest dreams – against all odds.

Those of you who know my work and writings intimately know I take a deeper, metaphysical approach. You understand I work with the base notes of life, such as Energetic Law and the Law of Attraction.

You will understand that I don’t accept a ‘simplified’ surface view of life.

I don’t because it does not simplify life—ironically, it complicates life because it distracts us from the simple formula that runs our lives, either unconsciously or consciously.

This formula is:

I can create my life deliberately based on my emotional state.

You see, this formula is so simple and absolute.

When we are Unconscious –we are unaware of what is taking place.

When we are Conscious, we are aware of this formula of life and strive to achieve it because we know it works. Then, it becomes easy to implement without effort.

It has become a new and effective way of life, directly creating solutions rather than continuing to battle with and add to problems.

When we are conscious of it and start to observe our lives factually based on this information, this formula provides real-life evidence of how it shapes our lives.

This evidence shows us that we are not powerless humans being controlled by outside influences.

I can assure you that no matter how bad your situation is, how much emotional anguish you are suffering, or how long this has been going on, you can start turning it all around.

For those of you struggling to move past five sensory facts, my information will be harder for you to accept—and this, of course, may block you from your inner emotional journey of self-mastery.

I know how hard it is. I know how terrifying it feels initially to let go and take personal responsibility for your emotions. As one member of the NARC Facebook page said today when she initially let go, she felt “like a woman standing naked on the train line and the train is approaching.”

But truly, if we are going to recover, this is our only choice: to let go and start working on our emotional selves as soon as possible.

I certainly did not understand this or apply it for a long time during my recovery. Once I did understand and made my emotional healing and mastery my greatest mission, I was shocked and amazed at how fast I recovered.

Now, I apply the same philosophy to any area of my life. When I don’t (fortunately, not often these days), I observe how quickly things don’t work!

I love it when I write about this information, and people come to me and say, “I get it! I get it 100%. I know I need to heal myself. Help me do this.”

Because I know I can help these people.

These people who take full responsibility for their emotions often feel more empowered and healthy in a matter of weeks than they could ever believe was possible.

Without exception, everyone that I have ever worked with who is willing to take their life experience to this more profound level, who is willing to embrace emotional mastery as the creator of their life, starts experiencing the following:

1) The belief that they have the power to heal their pain and start experiencing relief, clarity, and empowerment if they follow simple instructions.

2) The experience with the narcissist changes to one of detachment and of seeing, feeling, and understanding that the narcissist no longer has power over them.

3) The intense pulls to the narcissist fall away, as well as the attraction to what he or she offered as the ‘dream partner.’

4) Dealings with the narcissist, such as custody, property settlement, etc., that were fraught with loss, pain, and fear start shifting toward the newly self-empowered individual’s favor.

5) The pattern of experiencing narcissistic individuals stops.

6) All areas of life where abuse, boundary function, and honoring one’s self was a struggle improved dramatically, and

7) The ability to create a great and narcissistic free life opens up and begins.

But it requires accepting and embracing that if you wait for circumstances to change before creating your own emotional mastery, you are powerless to live instead of being powerful and creating your own life.

I know you can do it. I came back from the dead…truly.

I have also seen people so broken, shattered, and destroyed that they don’t know how they will go.

Truly this shift and the ‘new you’ is calling for you to embrace it.

You will understand that when you do, life opens up. It responds to your emotional choice and frequency and delivers the results and matches for this frequency. You will still keep addressing your issues, but this time, you will operate from your powerful infinite intelligence rather than your powerless fear and pain.

You will be open to your inner peace and harmony’s inspirations, messages, and synchronicities.

Life will support your quest, and your inner wisdom will grant you all the ideas, solutions, and direction you need to enhance it.

When you start working with this inner system deliberately, you will know how real this will be.

All you have to accept is that you have had enough of the pain. You need to change and want to change, and then you will do it. What choice do you have if you want to have the power to create a real life?

I have been thrilled at the amount of discussion from the community in each week’s blog post. Your inspiring contributions provide invaluable information for many people, and I am eternally grateful. Thank you!

As always, please share your comments or any questions below.

Your mind is so busy going over the lies, betrayals, and your incessant questions to yourself “How could this happen to me?” “How could they do this to me?” “How has my life turned out like this?”  that everything seems overwhelming. Simply focusing on mere survival, such as eating, sleeping, paying bills and running your everyday life can feel like torture.

Any of the things that could bring you joy and energy in life, are filled with pain, emptiness and dread, because your mind is all-consumed. Maybe even when your loved ones, friends and children talk to you it is almost impossible to be present, supportive and loving.

We know we aren’t going to be free until we can evict the thoughts of the narcissist and what he or she did to us from our mind – once and for all.

The problem is that the natural human response to evict these thoughts is….. to do more thinking!

This is incredibly ironic because we are trying to get off this particular bus, yet we end up putting our foot down and driving harder!

When I was initially trying to recover from narcissistic abuse with the use of my mind I spent years consumed by trying and solve the “why’s” and “how’s” with logical rationalisation.

And I was getting nowhere, I was still stuck in the pain, the fear, and the abuse.

That was until I learnt that I wasn’t going to be able to evict the thoughts of him through my mind, it required something much deeper…

In today’s article I want to share with you the most effective way to get relief from the all consuming thoughts, so you can start to enjoy everyday experiences like: Spending time with your children and family, taking a peaceful walk, enjoying a particular hobby or just being with yourself in a safe and comfortable environment.

This level of calmness and peace, without the incessant painful thoughts, is essential for you to be able to start creating your great life.

Shooting Yourself With the Same Bullet

The narcissist did the damage, and your mind is continuing his or her job of annihilating you – even if you have managed to get away and stay away – and if you haven’t, your mind may still be stuck in the pain, the abuse and the strategy of survival, trying to navigate the narcissist, force accountability and/or get the love that your dream of having with this person.

If you have got away and stayed away, you may be astounded how you are still stuck in the painful thoughts – and they may be worse than when you were with the narcissist because you now have time to go over and over what happened. All the things that don’t add up, that you can’t make sense of…

…especially the thoughts of HOW?

How could anyone behave like this?

How could I have got myself into this mess?

How could this happen to me?

How am I ever going to recover?

No matter how much you try to think to get an answer – you can’t find ones that get the narcissist out of your head.

Think of it like this, the narcissist shot you once (on a particular situation), and by you going over and over it you have re-shot yourself with the same bullet 1000 times.

Why We Can’t Stop Thinking by Doing More Thinking

You can NOT stop thinking by doing more thinking.

Your mind is the enemy keeping you in pain and torment.

Moving on requires being able to move past your mind and heal.

If you don’t, your mind is going to keep battering you.

You know that when your mind is going over and over the painful thoughts you continually feel the anguish of what happened.

Your mind whilst trying to think yourself out of the pain is driving your painful emotions into more and more pain.

Until we know better we think that we have to find the relief through our mind.

This is impossible – and let me explain why.

It is your emotions which originally dictated how your mind was going to respond. We all have the urge to try to shut off the emotional pain – and until we learn how to do that in a conscious way there are two ways we avoid dealing with our pain unconsciously – which is what we are always doing when we try to get relief through our mind.

We either

1) Direct our painful thoughts at someone outside of ourself, (in this case the narcissist), or

2) We try to find some logical ‘reason’ to grant us relief and peace.

You will know from your experience of narcissistic abuse, regardless of where you are at in your healing journey, that neither of these strategies work. Directing the pain outside of yourself only keeps you stuck in a victimised addiction cycle, and trying to find logical reasons only ever provides short lived relief at best, it never ‘sticks’.

You may have noticed how your mind searches determinedly for a ‘reason’ that will grant you relief from the pain, and then within hours, or even minutes or seconds you find yourself going back in to re-think the whole thing over and over again.

This ‘reason’ never held for you…

Your mind only has these two options, and the more they don’t work, the more the mind determinedly focuses on trying to make them work – which then turns into obsession.

The more you obsess, the harder and stronger the energy of the narcissist is in your mind and this takes over your entire life. We feel drained, powerless, and in intense pain and our ability to function effectively gets less and less.

Moving forward does not happen through your mind…

So How do You Evict the Narcissist From Your Mind for Good?

When the narcissist is continually in our head, we may believe that he or she is performing a psychic takeover, or that we won’t be able to get the narcissist out of our mind until they leave us alone, or move away.

The empowering truth that you must understand is:

It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.

This is the deal, your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you it is not about the narcissist.

When we have emotional pain and painful thoughts they are ours. We have to accept ownership for them.

You are responsible for your own healing – and nothing outside of you is going to be your saviour – you are your saviour.

In order to carry out your own healing you must recognise the following truths:

1) The intense emotional pain (which is causing your mind to try to ineffectively control it) is all coming off wounded parts of yourself that have been triggered by someone’s actions outside of you.

2) Your inner wounded parts are still stuck in the illusion that your wellbeing, life and truth is dependent on others and what they are or aren’t doing. These wounded parts are still precarious, insecure and not empowered. They are waiting for you to heal them so that they can shift out of this illusion and know you are create the real life you want and that it is NOT dependent and precariously connected to what another specific person is or isn’t doing.

3) You have to do the soul deeper work on these unhealed parts to release the emotional pain, and then the narcissist will be evicted from your head.

When they do this inner work your emotional self will no longer be vibrating in pain, fear and dread, and then your mind has nothing to try and ease, control and solve.

I know how awful it can feel to have your life totally consumed by the painful thoughts of the narcissist and I really, really hope this article has helped you realise that to get the narcissist out of your head you have to stop thinking and start healing.

Our mind is the source of unconscious living, it keeps us separated from our inner self, our inner healing and the creation of our truth.  If we want to take back our power and be the true creator of our life, we need to go deeper. We need to get out of our mind and into our inner healing path.

If you have any questions or comments please post them below, I try my best to respond to all of them.

I hope you enjoyed Part One of “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It”. If you haven’t seen it yet please do so before watching this video.

I am really excited about Part Two, because it will grant you an even deeper understanding of narcissistic abuse, and how it has affected you.

After watching Part Two you will learn the following –

• How your emotional mood can have significant impact on what you experience in your outer world. This gives you awareness to set up mastery over your emotions in order to improve your life in powerful ways.
• How when you accept a belief as real, it affects how your life plays out. This will help you realise that in order to live a better life, you need to change your inner beliefs first.
• How you can use your most powerful tool – the unconscious mind  –  to release the negative beliefs you accepted when you were narcissistically abused.

Introduction to Part Two

While going through the depths of narcissistic abuse you feel lost, broken, powerless, anxious and incredibly depressed. It feels like you don’t have the confidence, energy or will to feel better, or to make anything positive in your life happen.

When I was suffering from narcissistic abuse (before I found the answers) a typical day would begin like this. I would wake up with extreme anxiety and dread. The thought of facing the day, trying to relate to people and go through even the most mundane and ‘normal’ tasks felt like someone was asking me to climb Mount Everest.

Before I discovered how to heal myself, I had no idea how I was going to get through anything, let alone re-build my shattered life.

We know that narcissistic abuse causes a tremendous negative impact on our emotional wellbeing.

We can’t feel confidence, positivity or joy.  Every situation is fraught with feelings of being overwhelmed, the fear that we won’t be able to function, the fear that we could get it wrong, and the fear that our life is going to get even more overwhelming and difficult to cope with.

We find it extremely difficult to trust other people, everything about life, and most of all we feel so crippled we don’t know how to trust ourself.

When the slightest thing goes wrong we can easily spiral into feelings of pain and complete helplessness.

It is no coincidence that when you are riddled with feelings of dread and fearing the next horrible thing happening to you, that it impacts your entire life and as a result you continually experience recurring painful results.

Not only that, your dreams of having a happy life with a loving partner, and creating a glorious future have been crushed.

You no longer believe you will achieve any of this. And whilst you are suffering horrific agony, your inner identify believes things won’t get any better.

This is because narcissistic abuse affects us at our deepest level. We accept and absorb the pain and the abuse as core inner beliefs.

After suffering narcissistic abuse, the beliefs of yourself and how you thought your life was going to play out have been altered significantly and horrifically damaged.

What Did You Think of Part Two?

I felt really inspired when I created this video because I know it can really help you to understand how to get to the real issues in order to heal them.

Did you understand this message? Is it clear for you? Are you now understanding why your life has felt so shattered, and are you realising the deeper level that you need to address in order to heal?

Once again if you could go to Youtube, ‘Like’ the video and or leave a comment I would be eternally grateful.

The video series I have been working on in the background for the last few months called “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It” is complete, and today part one is released.

By the end of this series you will understand what has occurred to you energetically as a result of narcissistic abuse,  and how you can use this knowledge to start recovering faster than you could have ever imagined.

Part one of this series lays the foundation to understand:

• How and why we become addicted to the pain and abuse from the narcissist.
• How we feel that talking about our pain helps, yet it actually makes our recovery process take longer.
• How we can cement our deterioration at a physiological, psychological and emotional level, and not even realise this is taking place.

What Did You Think?

This is my first video production on melanietoniaevans.com, and as such I would really appreciate your feedback.

Did you get benefit out of this show?

Was there any parts that could have been explained better?

If you liked this show I would love you to go on Youtube and “like” the video and send it to your friends or family. This will help to spread this important message.

My goal is to share with the world these important truths about narcissistic abuse, so please know any little bit of support for this mission helps, and I am eternally grateful!