For many people, this is not the case.

If narcissistic abuse does continue to show up in your life, you really need to understand the Laws of Life and how your Soul plays out your life experience.

During the last couple of months I truly have received profound awareness about myself, about life and about this healing community.

Now is the time to openly share these discoveries…

It is always an astounding journey of life (and I adore it), when we get closer and closer to our Soul. It is as if the illusions fall away, everything becomes crystal clear and this clarity resonates so deeply as peace, solidness and truth – that we just know it to be real.

This is exactly my experience this year.

Today I want to share the REAL reason why you were narcissistically abused and wish with all my heart that the illusions will also fall away for you – and be replaced with a powerful knowing.

A knowing that could change your entire life. One that could change the entire evolution of your Soul.

And absolutely put an end to your pain.

The Grand Illusion of Life

All of us have been conditioned, as a result of eons of programming to seek our fulfilment, solidness and ‘fullness’ through external people and things.

We were disconnected from our True Self, not realising it is the gateway to connect with our Soul (which is the ‘state’ of love and wholeness we seek), and we did not realise that our personalities (the vehicle through which we direct our True Self) needed to look inward instead of outwards.

Let’s start with the truth in regard to narcissists.

A narcissist has come into this life experience as a personality disconnected from Soul Energy. This is the level of evolution a narcissist reached prior to this particular incarnation, and his or her personality is the ‘limit’ as to what the narcissist can use as his or her vehicle to express ‘life’ through this time.

Right on cue the narcissist arrives in the perfect family (like attracts like) which matches his or her level of previous evolution. This family is ripe for the further expression of being disconnected from his or her Soul.

This family represents abuse, emotional withdrawal and abandonment, or over-indulgence so that this particular personality stays further disconnected from his or her Soul, and instead plays out separation, pain, fear, ego and excessive entitlement.

The narcissistic personality seeks external power born from a great need to try to overcome fear and pain. He or she believes that his or her true nature is unacceptable, unworthy and unlovable and therefore seeks props – accomplishments, aesthetic beauty, recognition, intelligence, money, success, securing the ‘right’ partner, and or/ acclaim to make his or her way in life.

Please know there certainly are attractive, intelligent, successful, incredible people in the world who outwardly connect to and create in life as a genuine extension of Who They Already Are…

This is not the narcissist.

Ironically the very relief that the narcissist seeks from fear or pain is accentuated by using these props. What he or she discovers is: no matter how attractive he or she can sculpt his or her image, no matter how much money is created, no matter how ‘great’ he or she becomes at skills and talents, no matter how many titles he or she has after his or her name, no matter how big a property, or wonderful a car he or she gains, the fear and pain does not reduce but actually becomes greater.

The reason is the ‘more’ anyone seeks outside of self to try to feel safe, acceptable and worthy on the inside, the more strain goes with trying to uphold these things, make sure they aren’t ‘lost’ and there is a compulsion to keep expanding on ‘getting things’ when the initial feelings of relief and fulfilment inevitably wear off from the initial stuff that was generated.

Seeking external power is not a formula for getting out of hell – it is a recipe for putting oneself firmly on a treadmill of self-perpetuating hell, with no way out.

The narcissist, as we know (due to the narcissistic traits that are unmistakeable), is not a ‘full’ human being. The very peace and fulfilment, and self-love and fullness that the narcissist seeks (as every human does) is attempted on a path pointing in the opposite direction from the real deal.

The narcissist is not a True Self, (full and whole and operating in self-worth and self-love). He or she is a mirage living through ‘props’ and false power to try to feel authentic.

There are major differences between a big self (True Self) and a little self (egoic / False Self).

A big self is ‘Oneness’ – it starts from within. It is connected to the Soul Energy of reverence for self, life and others. The big self states “How can I expand more of me and share this energy?”

A little self is separation – It is disconnected from Oneness, and reverence for self, life and others. The little self states “How can I take energy to expand and make more of me?”

A big self is the alignment of the personality to bring True Self into connection with the Soul.

A little self is a personality positioned to ignore the True Self, and create a False Self instead. The False Self has no connection with the Soul.

What Exactly Is Our Soul?

We all have a Soul. Even narcissists have a Soul.

We have viewed narcissists, experienced them, and even judged them as ‘soulless’.

The truth is they are not soulless, just intensely disconnected from their Soul.

Narcissist have not realised that they are a Soul Energy having a human experience, and they have not realised that the only thing that really matters or brings authentic peace or fulfilment is aligning with Soul Energy – that is to bring the personality and True Self toward Soul connection, and not away from it.

The bigger the gap – the more the pain.

The narcissist has not realised that the only way to experience authentic power is to shed the illusions of fear and pain, and become authentic love and creation instead.

An enormous irony is this. Narcissists believe they are omnipotent – they want to be ‘God’. But instead they create themselves as a false God, a small god. Not the true God of Creation which is only available through Soul Energy.

Narcissists believe the more power, status and approval they create in their life the larger they will get. It just doesn’t work like that. By striving to be bigger through these methods they actually become smaller and smaller.

This is why no matter what partner they procure, no matter how much money they make, no matter how much recognition and significance or ‘stuff’ they secure – fullness, peace, authentic love and joy remains forever elusive, pain escalates, and the ‘need’ to try to escape the pain is never ending.

This is why in the attempts to hide imperfections, and cover them over with grandoise behaviour, the narcissist’s personality far from remaining hidden, emerges fully-blown and is seen for what it is – incredibly immature and dysfunctional

His or her self has become so ‘small’ that he or he sees this ‘self’ as separated from the whole. The pain and need to seek external power becomes so great, that the narcissist will go to any pathological lengths to ‘one-up’ and ‘take’.

The narcissist sells his or her Soul.

The narcissist has no concept of ‘Oneness’. He or she does not get ‘What I do to you is what I do to me, because others are me’.

The narcissist is not connected to the knowing we are all One.

Therefore reverence for self, others and life is null and void.

Our Soul is the part of us which is the Creator / God Self. It is Oneness, connection, it is ‘all that is’, it is love, expansion and fearlessness. It is the bounty of joy, love, truth, fullness and creation. There is no pain or fear in our Soul.

The Soul knows there are no victims, no villains, and only the incredible journey of everything we need to experience in order to shed fear and pain, and everything that comes to us is ‘perfect’ in order to create this.

The Soul know that the entire divine purpose of our life is to remove the illusions of our painful beliefs and become ‘heaven on earth’ – which is expressing our Soul’s True Energy through our physical experience.

When we are aligned with and channelling the energy of our Soul (tapped in and tuned in) we are massive. We are connected to life, others and all that is. We feel ‘love’ ‘joy’ and ‘fullness’ in abundance, and it is non-dependent on anything outside of us having to ‘be’ a certain way in order to do so.

When we are in this high vibration everything we desire flows to us easily. We are in tune with synchronicity. It is as if everything in life is speaking to us, bringing us what we need and granting us every clue and signal as to what direction to take.

We flow with the messages we receive from our Higher Self (our non-physical communication channels), and we ‘fill up’ constantly and then outpour back into life.

Everything we touch in life benefits from this energy in win-win ways, and we spread positivity, love and connection wherever we go with no shackles of pain, fear or expectations.

Additionally all we need flows back in abundance in perfect timing and in perfect ways because we are at one with ourself and at one with life.

This is authentic power.

This is divinity.

This is what we are here to accomplish and share on the Earth School as our evolution.

This is Who We Really Are.

This is our only mission, and the other ‘stuff’ we accomplish is just simply an expression of what we are creating. No ‘stuff’ is going to come with us between incarnations, and none of it is going to have any influence on the level of evolution (graduation) we achieve.

The level of graduation we achieve will be how truly fulfilling our life experience has been, how much we are real love, and how positively and incredibly we can share evolution and love with others.

By evolving ourselves, we assist in the evolution of our entire species. We help humankind escape the hell of the illusions of fear and pain, and we assist the coming home to light, truth and authentic love.

Nothing else is going to make you or anyone else authentically happy.

Why Were You a Match For a Narcissist?

Now is the time of truth, deep humility and self-ownership. This is not about guilt, blame or shame – it is about self-realisation – which is the only way to shed the illusions that have been destroying us, and keeping us separated from claiming the path to authentic truth, power – and the self-creation and sharing of genuine love.

All of us have been conditioned to disconnect from our Souls and our own authentic power, as well as any right or knowing of how to be authentic.

We were taught we were worthless, unlovable, unacceptable and ‘bad’. We were taught that it is only an outside source (as per conditions and expectations, fraught with punishment) which could free us from our pain (unworthiness and powerlessness).

We were taught to bend to narcissistic models to be ‘saved’. It is only a False Self that demands this type of malicious compliance. That is not love – It has nothing to do with Soul Energy or genuine love.

These False Selves created more fear and unworthiness within is, and energised our own False Self.

So it stands to reason that in this life experience you were not ‘full’. You were not in your authentic power. You were not solid and at peace knowing that you on your own were the feelings and knowings of love and worthiness.

Because you didn’t know any better than ‘look to the outside’, you were not working through the importance of creating your True Self as a reflection of your Soul…

…Then along came Mr or Ms ‘Wonderful’.

He or she presented exactly the ‘stuff’ that you thought you needed to get you out of your fear and pain.

Maybe it was the worthiness or recognition you may receive from others as a result of your partner being so attractive. Maybe it was the finances that could ease your fears of security. Maybe it was the skills and capabilities which could make your life easier and fend of the fear of trying to cope alone.

Maybe it was additional resources that would provide you with enough external power to feel safer, and satisfy your desire to accumulate more external power in order to feel more worthy and acceptable.

And of course the ‘doting love’ which made you feel like finally you were lovable and acceptable.

Everything Happens For a Reason

Please know this: Life does not roll dice, the evolution of you connecting back to you true Soul Energy is all in perfect and divine order. The Universal energy system is set at like attracts like, and cannot operate in any other way.

It is impossible for you to attract someone into your personal life and love experience, as a parent, as a love partner, as a boss or friend who is disconnected from their Soul Energy unless you are also.

When I work with people as personal clients or through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, these people are severely disconnected from their Soul Energy. This is why they are suffering so horribly and traumatically.

The bigger the gap – the more the pain.

The narcissist did not cause this – the narcissist simply accentuated what you already had going on.

The longer you stay, the longer your resist taking responsibility for connecting to your own Soul Energy and the more you will seek external power – trying to change the narcissist back into the person who was going to take away your fear and pain for you. And the worse it will get.

You need to recognise this… Because you needed these things so much from outside of yourself (through the narcissist) it became almost impossible to let go when the narcissistic behaviour started. You traded external power for your Soul Energy. That’s why you stayed, that why you can struggle to recover, and that’s why you can feel so broken, hooked and addicted.

You are staying connected and hanging on because finally the person who showed all the promise to get you out of your fear and pain is not doing that.

And you don’t want to accept that…

Make no mistake the narcissist was playing the identical game.

He or she recognised aspects of you that he or she did not have in order to try and fill inner emptiness. Such as the ability to be at peace, the ability to be real, and the ability to feel  connected to life and others with empathy and reverence.

Narcissists don’t tend to target other narcissists – they go for people that do have a connection to the ‘light’. This is why many healers, and nice people who care about life and others can attract and sustain narcissistic abuse. Much of this attraction to ‘light’ is subconscious for the narcissist.

Rather deliberately he or she will go for people who can grant more external power. Narcissists are drawn to people who are attractive and / or successful, or who have intelligence and resources. Narcissists like to show off their partners as an extension of their False Self.

The all too common co-dependent and narcissistic ‘marriage’ is a relationship based on seeking external power. It is not coming from a true and genuine source of Soul Energy. It is based on trying to relieve fear and pain, rather than being an authentic relationship of sharing love and healthy fullness without need.

Inevitably the cracks appear, and when connected to a narcissist these cracks appear horrifically. Then your inner insecurities (fear, emptiness and pain) cause you cling on to this relationship despite the abuse.

This is why a relationship with a narcissist is a ‘make’ or ‘break’ deal. It is a powerful spiritual and Soul Lesson of the highest order.

The choice is clear. Am I going to establish my own Soul Energy – or not?

Nothing short of coming home to your evolution truth is going to stop the pain, or the cycle of this happening to you.

Be VERY clear. Your Soul wants you to come home – and this is why a narcissistic experience was placed ingeniously on your path.

How bad is your narcissistic abuse expereince? As much as you need this calling back to your Soul Energy.

How bad will your narcissistic abuse experience get? As bad as it needs to for you to let go and start creating your connection to your authentic Soul Energy.

If this relationship had been with a non-narcissist, and both of you accepted and embraced that you are Soul Energies having a human experience, then both parties could get on to taking responsibility, could work at aligning their personality with their True Self, connection to their Soul, and could heal together.

Be VERY clear – that is not what this is about in your narcissistic experience. The narcissist will not take responsibility.

You may graduate to that opportunity next time. This time the lesson is firmly between you and yourself. It’s about YOUR Soul.

How Does Your True Self Create Your Life

It is very important to understand that the state of your True Self (the unconscious you) is directing your life without exception to the letter. The messages you get from your True Self are your emotions. Your True Self signals to you how aligned you are with your Soul (love and peace) and how non-aligned you are with your Soul (fear and pain).

If you try to disown your fear and pain and try to just get the ‘fix’ through something or someone else (external power) – you will not tend to and work on healing your True Self.

And of course the pain just keeps coming – over and over again.

The only way to work directly on your True Self is to embrace the pain, admit it is yours and go deeply into it to discover what belief systems are not working for you. You need to find and transform the human illusions which are keeping you disconnected from your Soul Energy.

The narcissist simply won’t do this. His or her True Self is horrifically damaged, stunted, disowned and has been discarded by him or her and replaced fully by the False Self.

The narcissist believes the releasing of his or her False Self (which needs to happen in order to claim and work on the True Self) will lead to total emotional annihilation.

Due to the formidable ego constructions and incredible defence mechanisms fiercely and vengefully guarding his or her False Self, the narcissist is terrified about surrendering towards Oneness, and horrified of becoming ‘equal’ at any level with others (which is what Soul Energy is).

He or she firmly believes that to survive requires being superior and remaining separated in order to stay ‘on top’.

He or she feels that conjoining with the Oneness and reverence would mean no longer existing.

The narcissist’s pathological need for significance, manifested as a result of his or her deeply etched self-rejection has created this dire malfunction.

This is not your awful penance. You have not disconnected from your Soul fully. You have not become the energy of non-reverence – the ability to purposefully and maliciously wound, seek revenge, pathologically lie and act amorally with no care to self, life and others.

You have not turned away from Oneness, Light and Source in order to become a False God.

Because you are not a narcissist you have an incredible advantage in order to get on to your healing, stop your painful patterns, and to connect and evolve toward your Soul Energy.

Your personality (your mind and its decisions) needs to take full responsibility in order to do this. This is the only way to ‘come home’ to fully become your true Soul Energy and to experience authentic power.

This is where genuine humility and self-ownership comes in. This is about admitting that you have fear and pain, admitting there are parts of you that feel broken, defunct, not good enough, powerless and worthless, and doing all that you can to meet, heal and transform these parts of you which have been running the script of your painful life.

The incredible thing about Soul Energy is you already have this energy. You don’t have to create it, make it or ‘get’ it.

It just already is.

The more and more you lose the fear and pain (human illusions) that your True Self has been carrying, the more and more you just become this Soul Energy, this infinite intelligence which is connected to the expansive ball of love and joy, your Higher Self, life and ‘all that is’.

By clearing the junk – the pain and the fear – out of your True Self (inner emotional you) you open up the valve for your Soul Energy to flow through you.

Then you truly start living.

Global Soul Evolution

I believe we are in an incredible time of evolution – and I truly believe the narcissistic experience is a fundamental part of this.

This is it: the choice of LIGHT or DARK. It is the ‘battle’ that is taking place with humankind throughout relationships, homes, communities and nations – in fact this entire planet on an incredible scale.

Your Soul has gloriously chosen to be a part of this evolutionary choice.

Worldwide the consciousness level of the planet is shifting from the 5000 year age of external power (ego domination and rule) to conscious co-creation (the establishment of Soul Energy and authentic power).

Fear and pain doesn’t work anymore. Thoughts, feelings and actions sponsored from pain, powerlessness and fear no longer bring any results other than more pain, powerlessness and fear.

We are all being taught through this energy shift that the only way we can produce real and gratifying results in our life is to connect to our Soul Energy of love, fearlessness and fullness.

We can’t create from ‘need’ – we can only create from already being it.

During this consciousness shift ‘light’ is intensifying dramatically, and it is purging the ‘dark’. What was in the shadows is now being brought out into the open.

What this means is the illusion that there is ‘an outside’, that we are separated, and we are not responsible for everything in our experience is being peeled back.

We are all coming face to face with the state or our inner being – our True Self – as its results meet us (almost instantaneously) from the outside. The truth is becoming blatantly obvious.

There is no longer the ability to avoid what we are creating from the inside out. We are Creators – narcs are too. We all are.

The real question is: Are we going to create from False Selves (seeking external power) or are we going to create from Soul Truth (authentic inner power)?

It is an amazing honour to live as a Soul Energy who chose to be a part of this, and we must escape the illusion – that we are merely having a physical experience – to capitalize on this.

We need to understand the direct correlation between our inner and outer worlds. Because if we don’t recognise and embrace our Spiritual Creator experience, life is going to force us to.

It already is…

What I feel, when tapping into this shift, is that there is no turning back. The veil between inner and outer experiences will get thinner and thinner. Our shadows, our unhealed parts (fear and pain) are going to get flushed out into our outer experiences, and there will be no ability to hide or disown these parts any more.

They will be point blank in our face.

Which means the choice is heading towards evolve or break.

What this means for you is, you can take full responsibility for your own evolution, and then stand back and allow those that refuse to experience the repercussions of their disowned parts. It is not your job to help them. It is your job to remove yourself from the dark and become the light.

Don’t feel bad for those that don’t choose to evolve. Every Soul is eternal and is coming home – eventually. Because there is nowhere else to go other than back to the Oneness from which we all came from in the first place.

For narcissists severely disconnected from their Souls, Oneness and reverence for self, life and others, it may take many painful repeat lifetimes.

Do not envy a False Self. That experience is hell, and it is fast becoming more and more torturous every day. What this means is that narcissists will be in reaction, they will be thrashing harder to avoid the pain, deflect it, project it and punish others believing they are the cause of it, as they pathologically continue to disown their inner demons.

Don’t offer yourself up as the scapegoat, the battered dumping ground for the narcissist’s disowned parts. You have enough of your own to attend to – and you cannot attend to your own when you are being torn apart with his or hers.

You have to let go.

Self-ownership or not is the determining factor of evolution into the light and Oneness or being engulfed by more and more darkness, pain and separation. At some point there will be a cut off time – darkness simply will not be able to operate anymore here.

I don’t know when, but it is coming.

It is my greatest desire you connect to what your life and evolution really means. Please know in this time of incredible light and higher consciousness shining down, if you choose your true path of Soul Energy – the love, coincidences, joy and fullness you will receive is miraculous and incredible.

This wondrous energy of love and connection to your Soul Energy is available in astounding abundance.

This is the most direct way I can express to you what the gift of your narcissistic experience really is and how it connects to the true purpose of your life as well as the Oneness of humankind.

Now you can understand why this was all so meant to be.

I would love to hear your stories about claiming the gift of narcissistic abuse and any other thoughts you had about this article in the comments below.

As you look at the rubble left lying at your feet it can be very easy to beat yourself up.

You might think, “How could I have been so stupid?” “How could I have let this go on so long and get so bad!” Or, “I have ruined not just my life but also my children’s lives…”

It is very important to understand that when you are stuck in shaming and blaming yourself it’s impossible to start forgiving yourself, and ultimately start recovering.

Forgiveness can be a very hard step to make. But it is one that is truly vital for you to move on and start feeling better.

That is why an entire module in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is dedicated to this very important step.

In this article I am going to share an exercise from module 3 of NARP: Forgive Yourself and Life For What You’ve Been Through.

After applying this exercise you will begin forgiving yourself for the pain, trauma and devastation you have been through, and what you have subjected the people you care about to, so that you can start moving into the acceptance, healing and claiming of your true life.

You probably have realised that it is essential to forgive yourself. You know that when you are stuck in blaming yourself you don’t feel good and things don’t start getting better

But you might be asking “How’ do I forgive myself?”

Before I show you “how” I want to touch on something that you must understand first.

Why We Blame Ourselves

We’ve often been so focused on things outside us that we lose ourselves. Often, in the aftermath when we take a look at ourselves, we can be deeply disappointed with who we are.

The truth is that we usually blame ourselves, at some deep level, for everything that goes wrong in our life. This self-blame is trigged by feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness. These feelings of disempowerment have to be healed. Forgiving ourselves is an essential release from the past. If we don’t, we risk re-creating anything negative that we haven’t unconditionally accepted about ourselves.

We might have spent weeks, months or years enduring much more than necessary in order to understand the lessons. It was our resistance to soul truth (listening to, honouring and acting on our feelings in truth) that caused us to be trapped in pain, negative thinking and disappointing experiences for so long.

At the end of the day, all of it was at some level meant to be. Our ‘less than’ actions and choices were a gift; we manufactured them at soul level as a lesson that grants us the opportunity to create new beliefs and choices that empower us.

This is what I mean when I talk about narcissistic abuse providing ‘the gift’ to clear up your unhealed parts and childhood wounds.

How to Forgive Yourself

Learning to forgive yourself can be extremely challenging at first.

You may have been stuck in blaming yourself for so long that you don’t know any different. This is normal and what I have observed from members in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is that when they apply this technique I am about to show you (combined with the Quanta Freedom Healing therapy in NARP) they are able to shift mountains of self-blame and begin moving forward into forgiveness almost instantly. (Even the ones that seemed the most stuck initially).

So let’s get started.

Get a Journal and Pen and know that you will need quite a bit of time and a few sheets of paper. Makes sure you won’t be disturbed.

STEP ONE: Write the heading: How I perceive the painful mistakes I made.

Now write out the details regarding how you let yourself down. Don’t hold back. Write as much as you can.

STEP TWO: Embrace Your Feelings Fully

Now write about how you feel in regard to what you wrote in Step One. It is really important to have a good cry, or be angry as your write the words describing your feelings. Don’t hold back with your emotions, and make sure you use feeling words. You may wish to google ‘feeling words’ to grant you some ideas. Please know that painful feelings must be acknowledged in order to be shifted.

STEP THREE: Bigger picture perspective.

Now write out – ‘Even though what I have done to myself hurts, I recognise on a soul level I was really granting myself the gift of understanding and healing my unhealed parts – so that I can create a true, real and wonderful life.’

Now write down a list of the ‘gifts’ – the new positive belief systems regarding ‘what has happened’ that you now realise and can commit to creating.

Please note that these will be the opposite of what you did attract and receive, and how you did ‘behave’ (the old painful beliefs / unhealed parts).

Such as:

• Men / Women I love are faithful and honest and possess integrity
• Love equals support, truth, kindness and love
• I now honour, love and respect myself enough to lay boundaries
• I am now the supplier of my own emotional wellbeing and life. I have the power to ‘be this and attract more of the same….

Make this list as long as you can, by digging deep into reversing all the things which did happen.

 STEP FOUR: Gratitude

Now write out – ‘I thank myself fully for perfectly co-creating these experiences to finally come home and fully heal.’

Really feel this statement…

Closing Message

I know forgiving yourself can feel extremely difficult at first. As co-dependents we tend to blame our self for everything that goes wrong. I’ve been there and I totally get it.

Be conscious of when you start shifting into self-blame and remember to be kind to yourself.

Before you know it you will begin to recognise that on the other side of your narcissistic abuse experience (or any other hardship in your life) is a gift to keep growing and learning. And once you do your life will just keep getting better!

As I mentioned before The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program helps you shift mountains of self-blame and rewrite the pattern of self-blame you may have been living your entire life.

Members of the program describe this as a huge relief, like a weight has come off their shoulders, and it feels like for the first time they can sense life in a completely different way – a way of freedom and unconditionally loving and accepting themselves. If this is something you would like then please have a look at NARP here.

Please share any questions and comments you have below. I’d also love to hear what you thought of the forgiveness journaling exercise as I am planning to include many more practical exercises in future articles if they help you.

Leaving a narcissist is never easy…

To the outside world it would seem obvious that you should just ‘get out’…. but as we all know when it comes to the leaving part – and even after you go – you may really struggle with the decision.

When deciding to leave a narcissist you are likely experiencing a myriad of emotions. Fear, regret, guilt, ‘what if’s’, and ‘maybe he or she could change’.

You may still be holding on to the hope that this relationship could turn into everything you wish it was meant to be.

You know that if you leave this is a big statement, and unless you are willing to mean it and follow through, there could be dire consequences.

It is so hard to upset the dream of this perfect partner, or this incredible life you thought you were going to have with the narcissist, and truly once being hooked by a narcissist every part of your emotional addiction is trying to keep you hooked to the narcissist for many reasons (explained in detail in this article.)

The truth is virtually everyone, before empowering themselves (which means healing our unhealed parts) failed many times at leaving the narcissist.

They often stayed far too long in the relationship, and after leaving returned to the abuse time and time again.

For so many reasons, painful confusion and torment makes it nearly impossible to firmly believe and stick to: I have made the right decision to leave.

The Narcissist’s Tricks You if You Try to Leave

The narcissist is an expert at confusing you. He or she wants to retain you for narcissistic supply. And this means that narcissist will hit whichever emotional button causes you the most angst in order to affect you and keep you hooked.

You don’t have to still be in the relationship, or living under the same roof to be providing supply, as long as the narcissist keeps his or her hooks in to you.

If this is the case you will be still granting attention (which may simply be you obsessing), and you are still prey.

If being abandoned and discarded are your greatest fears (childhood programs of unavailable parents), the narcissist may act as if he or she doesn’t care when you’re leaving. This will cause you to fall into a heap “I can’t believe I mean nothing to you!”, start contacting the narcissist for some show of ‘care’, and thus go back for more abuse.

The narcissist still has control over you and knows it…

If the narcissist is jealous and controlling, and you have inner programs of despising feeling smothered, distrusted and controlled (parents who ran your life and violated your boundaries) the narcissist will try to make your life a living hell if you leave.

He or she will strip you of your assets, gain more control of your life and create so much angst, threats and trouble that it makes it very hard for you to leave, or once leaving you may feel ‘forced’ to come back to try to stop the onslaughts.

The narcissist will attempt to punish you horrifically. Understandably, if this is your dynamic it is very important to plan your departure mindfully without the narcissist knowing.

If your blind spot is ‘empathy and guilt’ (childhood programs of being conditioned to feel that you are only lovable when you are self-sacrificing yourself to what a parent wants you to do, or the inner childhood program of ‘If I help heal you I will be safer’) the narcissist may cry and plead and declare “I love you, I know I need help, please don’t desert me. If you love you won’t abandon me!” 

Leaving the Narcissist Triggers Our Greatest Fears

The truth is – the pain you are about to go through is a huge old Inner Identity wound exploding into your consciousness in full technicolour.

You are about to face extreme abandonment or punishment or guilt (or all three), and any of these painful emotions are the very opposite of the love you thought you had signed up for when you entered this relationship.

These are your old re-activated childhood wounds, and when we re-open old wounds (that are not yet healed), they hurt – horribly.

They feel like you are dying.

The narcissist is the master of targeting our old wounds and ripping them open.

This is the very method a narcissist employs to control us against all of our logic, and all of our better judgement.

Our old unresolved wounds, when heavily triggered by the narcissist, don’t make us run away they make us attach even more.

 And when we don’t take responsibility for these wounds, and don’t recognise, accept they exist or put our focus on healing them, they can be activated very easily, and the pain is horrific.

They scream at us, and in our panic, we make terrible decisions and we feel completely powerless.

These old unhealed wounds keep driving us back into the clutches of the narcissist if we try to leave – or they don’t allow us to leave.

The reason is: if we don’t take responsibility for these inner wounds we will do everything in our power to try to get the person who is bringing these wounds up for us (the narcissist) to fix these wounds for us so that the pain and panic can stop.

Through pleading, coercing, confronting, crying, raging, manipulating, retaliating, trying to force accountability, pleading helplessness – and every other method we can lay our hands on, we try to make the narcissist stop doing what he or she is doing – and we feel like we will disintegrate if we can’t make this happen.

What we forgot to understand is: these are our wounds, they were already present.

The narcissist just knew how to play on these wounds but they were always ours.

How our Mind and Emotions Behave When We Leave

When we have unhealed parts, that we are not fully focused on healing, our mind jumps in to try and stop the pain.

The problem with this is our mind does a terrible job of this…

Our mind tries to get solution from everywhere other than where the pain is really going on (inside us).

And when our mind believes that fixing or changing the outside is going to stop the pain, we lose focus and drift further away from the pain’s origin – where it really needs to be healed.

When our mind is in charge, rather than take responsibility for the healing of our unhealed parts to get true relief and healing and to stop our pattern of being narcissistically abused,  we second guess ourselves, or feel like we have ‘missed something’ .

Something feels incomplete…and…our deepest survival fears are triggered and we obsess into the fears and the stories of ‘How will I survive?” and ‘I may always be alone’ or ‘My life is finished’.

If we are not aware, we can easily hand our power over and stay, or cave in and go back to the narcissist.

In this broken state we can feel drawn to not taking responsibility and have the outside fix us.

Taking responsibility feels REALLY HARD at first. But the more you do it the easier it gets.

You aren’t going to get well by just leaving and try to get on with your life. You need to commit to you.

This is why it is imperative to commit to healing yourself as soon as you can, and realise this is not actually about what the narcissist is doing to you before or after you leave…

This is about healing YOUR unhealed parts that the narcissist is belting you with.

And when you do you will be able to leave healthily and powerful with greatly reduced levels of confusion and pain.

Because once you do heal these parts, the narcissist will have no hold over you again, he or she has nothing to belt you with, and you will not be a match for the same dynamic ever again.

It took me at least a dozen times of leaving the narcissist before I really understood these vital points.

I really hope this helps you leave your narcissist successfully and if it did I would love to hear your story in the comments.

If you have already left the narcissist, do you have any other important lessons that would help someone who is yet to leave? Please share them in the comments below and I will add the most helpful contributions along with your name into this blog post so new readers can benefit from your insight.

Thanks for reading.

Sadly when narcissists are trying to hurt and discredit their ex-partners in every shape or form, children can be used as ammunition and get caught in the cross-fire.

This can leave us dismayed, and in deep disbelief when we view the narcissist as having no conscience when it comes to the treatment of the children. When he or she has no issue with involving them, using them as pawns, and actually enjoys trying to turn the children against the ex-partner.

With narcissists anything or anyone may be fair game, including children.

You may find it hard not to resent how the narcissist can deny you and hurt you – but this pain can escalate to a whole new level when he or she withholds shelter, money and support from your children also.

For the non-narcissistic parent this creates intense grief, pain, disbelief and inevitable guilt.

We may feel incredible shame and pain for involving our children with the narcissist. We know that when we were being abused, we were hardly the model parent. We may have been emotionally and practically unavailable, and we know that our children were exposed to abuse, fights, and seeing the state we ended up in.

Our children may have believed that we were helpless, powerless and even crazy.

The levels of guilt and pain over what we have put our children through as a result of being with a narcissist can be horrific.

This article covers certain scenarios that can occur with our children, and I will endeavour to discuss the most painful and common situations.

1) Your child(ren) are severely hurt, traumatised and affected as a result of you being narcissistically abused.

2) Your child(ren) are turned against you or even taken away from you by the narcissistic parent.

3) You suspect that your child(ren) have been programmed into becoming narcissistic.

4) You have awful fears regarding the narcissist having visitation rights or joint custody.

5) Your child is in a relationship with a narcissist.

1) Your Child(ren) are Severely Hurt, Traumatised and Affected as a Result of You Being Narcissistically Abused

I really want you to understand this from a deeper and more spiritual perspective – and that is: there is nothing that an individual’s soul does not co-create that isn’t ‘right’ for the purpose of the opportunity to create evolution and healing.

Please know that a deep soul level your child chose this experience to have a narcissistic parent – there was no mistake.

It is really important for you to come to a level of acceptance so that you can start creating the most positive outcomes possible, rather than be stuck in non-acceptance (resistance) and be focused on and co-creating the negatives.

Possibly the most powerful statement in the human experience we can ever say (and deeply feel) is ‘It is what it is’, because then we allow ourselves to heal and accept and create more empowered realities.

Initially, I had masses of resistance in regard to putting my son through his experience with my choice of narcissistic partner, and I carried profound guilt, shame and trauma in regard to my inability to be an effective parent.

It was a disaster, truly and I felt like there was no way out of the mess. The more I focused on my guilt, pain and fear, and the more I tried to intervene, fix, lecture and prescribe to sort out my son’s life, and the mess his self-esteem and behaviour was, the worse it all got.

It was watching a Law of Attraction DVD by Ester Hicks (these were a part of my healing regime) and one episode resonated with me powerfully. It was about a mother who had no control of her wayward child, and the suggestions that channelled through Ester for this situation resonated with me a on a deep level.

I understood that as his mother my boy came from my energy. I realised that by ‘seeing’ the situation as hopeless, by seeing him stuck, going nowhere other than destroying his life, that effectively I was manifesting him being stuck. I was helping create this reality.

I also understood that if I manifested him in a different way, and stopped trying to fix and control him that I would be able to call him up into my reality as this different energy.

I also remembered a story I had heard long ago about a man with his boy who was wetting the bed, and how by expecting his son’s bed to be wet each morning that was the exact experience the man had every morning.

However, when the man decided to focus on and visualise his son’s bed being dry each morning, and his son being happy and feeling proud and confident, that is exactly what started to happen.

So I worked hard on releasing my resistance, my guilt, my pain, my personalisation as to how my son was behaving and how he was treating me and his life.

Then I stopped hooking into his behaviour. I stopped arguing, prescribing and lecturing and instead saw him as I wanted to ‘see’ him.

Every night in my journal I wrote about my son the way I wanted to him to be. I wrote about him being empowered, finding his way, and connecting to his amazing inner wisdom.

And when I wrote about this I made sure I would take my time to really imagine it, and feel it.

I felt my pain drop, my fear release, and I noticed that he was far less combative.

Within a matter of weeks the situation turned around incredibly.

My son had moved out and started being responsible – he was boarding. He got a job, he stopped his self-destructive behaviour. He was finding himself and he got his life back on track.

As human beings we are control freaks, we forget the power within and we try to DO everything we can to change the things that are causing us pain, and worst of all we try to address our issues whilst we are feeling extreme pain.

We don’t realise that this is not the state to create change from.

We forget about our inner vibrational power when we do this, and we forget that no one wants to change themselves because of someone else’s ideas.

In fact when we try to change people against their will and bend them to our own, they are ONLY going to resist. They never will change.

ESPECIALLY our kids!

Yet when we change our vibration about them and stop trying to lecture and prescribe, then their vibration changes, and because they have had a vibrational change it is their change. It becomes their truth that they are not in resistance to.

My greatest advice is, if you are worried about the damage your children have suffered as a result of the narcissist (regardless of whether the narcissist is still in your child’s life or not) heal yourself first and work hard on that.

The manifestation of your child ‘getting better’ has to come from a solid basis of your own empowerment.

If it doesn’t, and you do the ‘self-sacrificial parent act’ of trying to not put yourself first and trying to heal your children without ‘caring’ about your own welfare,  your efforts will fall flat, and you will only enable them to stay stuck and sick.

You must lead the way by example – and then work at ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ your children as you wish them to be.

This is why I say to so many parents who want to drag their children to therapy against their will – heal your children through yourself – because this is the only way it works!

I have seen miracles take place when parents understand this concept and get on to vibrationally healing themselves and then calling their children up into the energy. The results can be extremely powerful and can occur very quickly.

2) The Children are Turned Against You or Even Taken Away From You By The Narcissistic Parent

This must be one of the most painful experiences anyone could ever experience as a result of narcissistic abuse.

Generally when the narcissist turns the children against you, you are hooked into this severely. This is understandable, because the injustices of lies and smear campaigns affect virtually every human being in really powerful ways.

This will be especially true when your own children are manipulated and turned against you with the use of these tactics.

The truth of the matter is, however, that the more we get emotionally charged, the more we fight back, and the more we try to defend ourself against the narcissist. As a result  the atrocities escalate even more, and the more the atrocities work in the narcissist’s favour.

It is a fact of Energetic Law, the more we focus on something, and the more emotional power we grant to that focus, the more we manifest it into our experience.

There is no escaping Energetic Law, and regardless of how ‘wrong’ it is, Energetic Law is unconditional, it does not decide that what the narcissist is doing is ‘wrong’, it just takes your focus and emotional intensity and creates realities based on that in your personal experience.

The more you try to control it and change it by pushing back against it, the more you will cement it in place.

The true remedy for getting out of this emotional charge is ‘know who you are’ and have no need to defend it to anyone – especially your children.

Ignore what is being said, do not try to defend yourself adamantly, do not try to declare your innocence, or try to convince your children that their father or mother is a liar and you are the one telling them the truth.

Do not righteously declare that you deserve better treatment, or personalise, or hold onto the judgement of how ungrateful your children are and how disrespectful they are by treating you this way.

Remember you are only going to manifest ‘more of the same’ if you do.

Do NOT hold resentment toward your children.

It is very important to focus on, feel and journal about the love and connection you have with your children, and be a loving and consistent parent instead.

If they ask you questions regarding the slander, answer unemotionally and factually without getting charged up and without trying to discredit the narcissist. Then having said what you need to, move on. Leave it with your kids, let them process and simply change the subject.

If your children throw awful allegations at you, simply state “That’s okay, everyone can have opinions regarding the facts, and sometimes they differ”. Don’t focus or dwell on it – just get on with being you.

I understand it may be very difficult to not get emotional in this circumstance. But if you maintain constant awareness of your reaction to the allegations, you can identify when you would normally get emotionally charged and from here on  choose not to react to it.

If you do this you will be amazed at the results.

Inevitably if you are not the one slandering, lying and retaliating, and you are seen as the calm and loving one, the children will work it out. This always happens. But if you fight back, and get anxious, energised and deranged, you will appear as the ‘wrong one’.

If you children have been turned against you, and you don’t see them anymore, do what you can legally (if you wish to) and at the same time start visualising and feeling love and reconnection.

Let go of all the hurt you can, regarding not seeing your children, and what the narcissist has done, and become a vibration of connection and love with your children instead.

I have seen the most incredible miracles of reconnection (even decades after separation) occur countless times when ostracised parents do this.

3) You Suspect that One or More of Your Children have been Programmed into Becoming Narcissists.

In regards to your concerns about your children’s programming, as a result of being exposed to a narcissistic parent, know this: the narcissist is less likely to behave like a narcissist when you are not present. When you are present, the narcissist is more likely to use the children and turn them against you.

Also know children can grow up with healthy emotional intelligence if they have one stable parent and a narcissistic parent that are not living together – as long as there is a consistency of love and firm healthy boundaries with one parent – which of course will be you.

If you suspect that your child(ren) have become narcissistic you need to visualise, feel and focus on your child getting well, and you need to learn all you can about effective parenting and boundary setting.

This is vital.

4) You have Fears about the Narcissist who has Visitation Rights or Joint Custody.

If you have fear for your children’s life and wellbeing in regard to the narcissist, you do have a right to withhold access until the legal system has determined what is safest for the children’s welfare.

We all know that narcissists do not make great parents. They don’t respect or teach boundaries, their mirroring is unhealthy, and it’s not the greatest environment for our children to be in.

However, narcissists also have legal rights, and it is extremely difficult to get any sort of diagnosis to stop your children from being in the care of the narcissist.

I do urge you that if you really do suspect violation that is sexual or life-threatening, do everything you can to get help and support in order to intervene.

Be very aware though, that the more you push and fight trying to limit or stop access, the more the narcissist is going to be energised and fight you – and the more your children are going to be torn up in the middle.

The truth of that matter is, in many circumstances you may not be able to stop shared custody to some extent– and the more you try to stop it, the bigger fight you will have on your hands.

Again your best bet is to vibrationally deal with this issue within yourself.

When you can become more at peace with the situation and ‘see’ and ‘feel’ that your children will be safe, and they will work their way through this, and when you let go of your resistance and fear (which never helps your children), and you don’t hook in or buy into the narcissist’s behaviour, the less ‘appeal’ the children will have to the narcissist, (especially if he or she is using the children to get at you).

And the less your children will be adversely affected.

So don’t sweat the narcissistic behaviour that would normally push your buttons.

Maintain strong boundaries, and make sure there are agreed visitation, access or consent orders, stating times and days, and don’t step outside them no matter how much the narcissist tries to convince you to.

As soon as you let go of a boundary with a narcissist and give an inch – he or she will take a mile.

Don’t be tempted to change your visitation with the narcissist for ‘favours’. Sick strictly to the agreement, and say ‘no’ to changing them.

Narcissists do not respect boundaries and rules, and all of this works in your favour. Record any breach of agreements. Document all of it, also record the inevitable abuse and attacks when you don’t give in to bending the rules for the narcissist.

Don’t give in to the fear of ‘he will cut off my money’ or ‘she will take it out on the children’. Remember the narcissist has been abusing you and not respecting your boundaries because of your fearful ‘what if’s’ if you don’t comply.

All of this needs to stop, and you need to walk your truth – for you and your children. If the narcissist cuts of payments, deal with it through the relevant authorities, if he or she breaches shared custody agreements document it, and deal with it legally when you have enough evidence.

If the narcissist abuses you verbally, or by text or email place an intervention order on him or her.

Keep your boundaries, know your rights and implement them. Do not hook into conversations, lecturing, prescribing or trying to reach some sort of peaceful agreement without authorities.

Stop expecting the narcissist to act like a rational, normal and co-operate human being – because this is not what narcissists do.

Keep all action you take with the use of third party authorities, don’t threaten the narcissist you are going to do this. Just do it.

Inevitably the narcissist will keep screwing up,  their history gets worse and worse, and eventually they lose visitation, or give up and find other ways to create narcissistic supply and lose interest in their children.

So unless you can prove physical threat has occurred to your children, set firm boundaries, get them drawn up and agreed on, stick to them, have total modified contact, and let go of the angst. Then visualise, journal and work at vibrationally manifesting your children as safe and well.

Work on your own vibration not to hook into, get frustrated, or enraged by the narcissist’s attempts to throw you off balance and distress you – because he or she WILL try.

Don’t ever think that by staying because of the children that your children have a better chance. It is well known that narcissists thrive off dementing their love partners, and if you stay, the children get twisted up in all of that and used as ammunition against you.

It is much better for yourself and your children if you leave the relationship and organise as much access as you.

Here are the list of don’t if you are co-parenting with a narc

• Don’t let your children see that the narcissist gets to you through them. It is much better when the children say something about the narcissist, rather than reacting say “Oh well that’s just Dad or Mum’s way” and then state the positive which reinforces confidence, belief and wellbeing to your child. Rather than you demeaning the narcissist to the child, have faith that your child will work it out.
• Don’t overcompensate because of the way the narcissist treats the child. One of the most dangerous recipes to create a narcissistic child is one parent spoiling and having poor boundaries (over-loving) the child, and the other being a narcissist. Don’t fall for that trap.
• Heal yourself, let go of your pain, fear and resistance regarding the narcissist, and learn all you can about how to be a healthy parent raising children with firm loving boundaries and positive mirroring – this is essential.

You may be competing with a narcissist who is spoiling, buying and appealing to the materialistic side of your children.

Hold firm in your values and truth, and realise that real love is not fancy gadgets and expensive gifts. It is consistency, emotional sustenance and the knowing that you are present, reliable and true. This will pay off in the long run – especially if you don’t buy into the resentment of what the narcissist is doing, and try resentfully to compete with him or her.

5) Your Child is in a Narcissistic Relationship

This is tough – really tough.

It is horrible seeing someone you love so much throwing their life and emotions away in a narcissistic relationship and getting horrifically damaged in the meantime.

First of all have empathy – and tons of it.

Logically you can’t believe why they would tolerate this and stay (unless you have been in an narcissistic relationship yourself), and you may see that this child is attractive, intelligent and capable, and you believe it should be so easy for him or her to say goodbye and move on with their life.

But it isn’t. You child is hooked up in an intense peptide addiction akin to being a heroin addict, and it is not that simple.

One thing is for certain, the more you try to fix, argue, demand, lecture and prescribe, the more you are going to push your child deeper into the clutches of the narcissist.

Your child has to make his or her decision to break away and want to stay away.

This is the time for unconditional love and letting your child know you are there to support and help when he or she comes to you, but you respect that your child has to make his or her own decisions.

Remember again this is a soul lesson, this is a karmic lesson that your child has chosen at a soul level to go through – in order to heal his or her unhealed parts – just as you did.

Work hard at getting your focus off fear, distress, hatred for the narcissist and everything else that is negatively energising you.

I know this is totally counter intuitive to what you think you should be doing, and I know how hard it is to drop it and let go of control.

But truly the way you would normally do this is not going to work.

It is human nature when forced to do something against his or her will to rebel, and not comply. Getting free and well has to be your child’s vibrational choice.

Start working on releasing your pain and fear and start seeing and feeling (manifesting) you child as getting well, and that he or she will see it for what it is, and is becoming empowered.

That is the true way to help him or her heal and break free.

This article has been a long one but there is a good reason for that.

Understanding how to create the best possible outcome for our children when exposed to narcissists is a very important and heart-felt topic.

I am aware that my solutions to helping our children may seem too glib and etheral to some of you.

What I have written may be conflicting to some beliefs or what has been written about children in regards to narcissistic abuse.

I wish to state that there is a good reason for us, it is a powerful soul lesson that we must learn in order to recognise the gift of narcissistic abuse.

We only have the power to change what’s inside of us. No one else.

I have witnessed over the years that when people recognise this lesson and put their efforts into changing their inner world that their outer world, and what is important to them, including their children changes drastically.

Please know every day I receive the indisputable proof that what I share DOES WORK.

I have seen the most-heartbreaking stories turn into joy, love, reconnection and healing at break-neck speed when a parent works hard at letting go of the pain and the fear, and does align their inner vibration to be match for what they DO want for their children.

As a result of the pain we are suffering regarding our children, we truly can come ‘home’ and realise the incredible and powerful creators that we really are – and how we and our loved ones all benefit when we claim that power.

If you have already transformed your inner world, and experienced the changes it has created for your children, I know you could help inspire others.

Please share your stories in the comments below.

But truly, is it enough to just know this? Is this enough for us to heal and move forward and know you will never have to experience an abusive, agonising relationship ever again?

It certainly is not.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse allows you to move out of powerlessness and into a new perspective where you recognise that you are in control of your life. You have the power to create a life that contributes to your happiness and say ‘no’ to anyone or anything that doesn’t. But in order to do this you must recognise the following…

All of the relationships we have in life are exposing us to our own unhealed parts.  At first that could seem like a bitter pill to swallow, it could seem like somehow you are accepting blame for what happened to you by embracing this theory.

If you look deeper you will understand a vital truth of life, which is: If I had something to do with this, then I have the power to change it. Whereas if you believe you have nothing to do with it, then you have no power to change it, let alone create a life where it could never happen to you again.

That is horribly disempowering…

We Attract What We Need to Heal

Like attracts like, but that certainly does not mean you are a narcissist. What it does mean is that anything you have not healed, that you are not aligned on – such as fear of abandonment, criticism or abuse, or you have confusion on ‘what is real’ or ‘what can I trust’, are powerful emotional vibrational attracters to receive more of this from life.

These negative belief systems / emotions are not the way our True Self wants to live. They are not the pure state of who you really are, and because of this, your soul will keep dragging them into your experience, and make them hurt until you liberate, heal them and change your belief systems.

The narcissist is a ‘catalyst’; the narcissist is a ‘vehicle’ to show up our unhealed parts in fully blown technicolour. Up until this point, we have been able to get on with life, we have been able to function despite the pain, disappointment and setbacks – yet this time as a result of narcissistic abuse, the pain and the horror was so significant that we simply could not pick ourself up off the floor, dust off and keep moving.

Originally this feels like total devastation, destruction and helplessness. It seems our entire life is shattered and any faith we had in life and ourself was crushed forever.

Is that a bad thing?

When you understand what is really going on you realise that it isn’t.

You realise that finally you have been brought to a point where you can no longer ignore your unhealed parts because the pain is too immense to do so.

The Shift From Outer to Inner

You realise that no longer can you continue to get by, by putting your focus on the outside world and gaining things outside of yourself in order to feel whole, such as the gratification of people approving and loving you, or gaining material possessions.

In order to get through this and heal, you need to put your focus on the inner you, and you have to do the work on your being.

The problem is when you are stuck in the illusion that your identity is based on achievements, things and other people – you didn’t learn to accept and love yourself for just being you.

When you are narcissistically abused, everything suffers, everything crumbles and you look around at the shattered mess. Almost everything you thought ‘is my life’ is most likely gone.

You are left just with you.

Your are left in a frightful state, such a frightful state that no matter what you grab to try to fix your state from the outside, you don’t have the sanity, energy or the drive to make it work. It gives you no peace. No happiness or fulfilment comes, and nothing seems to work.

You are left with yourself with no outer relief.

The purpose in all of this, is for you to come face to face with establishing your True Self (if you are new to the blog my definition of True Self means being aligned and living the way our soul intended us to) and you start to realise the deepest spiritual and soul lesson of all – and that is ‘There is only you’.

This is certainly not the grandiose false version that the narcissist upholds, that it is all about him or herself, rather this is in the authentic version of self-creation – which is I am the centre, the director and the creator of my entire life experience.

This truth sets us free because we can finally embrace the purpose of the narcissist, that this person was in fact attracted into our experience as the perfect match to make conscious what fears, pain and confusion we needed to square up within ourself.

And if we didn’t experience this, we may never have been able to create the authentic life that our soul always wanted to live.

Victimhood or the Gift

There are two ways to view narcissistic abuse, and that is from the victim perspective – which is ‘Someone did this to me, my life is ruined because of that, and I will never, ever recover because of what happened’, or from the mindful and empowered perspective ‘This was meant to happen in my life. My soul drew this experience to me to finally heal and create myself as an authentic self, and walk forward into creating my life authentically without pain, confusion and fear.’

The life with the narcissist was never meant to work, it was meant to wake you up and heal you.

As you know the narcissist is not real, the life of glamour, hypocrisy and hubris is not real, and your existence in this false life was not peaceful, fulfilling or solid. It was an emotional, physical, spiritual and often financial ‘house of cards’ that was drowning in quicksand and ripping you apart on broken glass.

Authentic realities are not like that.

The goal of all of this is to be healed enough to create a life, like what you thought it would be with the narcissist, but this time at a real, authentic level.

Then you can have the love, the achievements and the fulfilment as a supportive, safe, durable and solid reality.

The truth is you might not have got to that level if the narcissist hadn’t presented in your life. He or she was a necessary stepping stone to your more empowered graduation.

The illusion is, if we could just change the narcissist’s nasty and destructive ways that the dream of this ‘real’ life could be with him or her.

But if we stay stuck in this, we truly are missing the point and the healing opportunity – which is I am the creator of my reality, and it’s not someone else’s job.

When we understand that no-one is responsible for our fulfilment, safety and wellbeing other than ourself, we start rejecting anything and anyone who is not that truth or match, because we are empowered enough to know that we create reality by being aligned, and we have all of the resources and possibilities of life to call forth the match of our reality.

The incredible gift of creating the new us – the real us, is we get to let go of the illusions of life which have made us precariously attached to external situations and people, and we begin to feel genuinely comfortable on the inside.

Shifting From Limited to Unlimited

We previously believed that we are limited, small, dependent, and that we don’t have enough self-value or self-worth to say ‘no’. We didn’t know that we don’t actually lose by letting go, or that when we shut one door we allow the true and the real ones to open in their place.

We believed that if we didn’t hang on, fix, and make it work that we may never have a similar opportunity again.

We believed ‘I’m too old, I’m not smart enough, I’m not attractive enough’ or we believed ‘All the good ones are gone’ or we thought ‘Where am I going to meet the right person?’, or ‘How could real love happen for me?’…or ‘I know of people that have been single and lonely for 10 years I don’t want this to happen to me’….as well as countless other limiting beliefs that held us back.

In short we believed all the limiting fears about ourself and life that are not in alignment with creating what it is that we really want to experience.

Our focus has been on ‘Why Not’ instead of ‘Why YES!’

We were not taught about the creative power from within.

We are subject to our past history, other people’s versions, or what our parent’s did – if we choose to limit ourself by hanging on to these limiting beliefs…

Not enough has been taught about letting go of these beliefs and then purposefully choosing the beliefs that do serve us, in order to create our outer experience from an inner power.

Narcissistic abuse has allowed us to realise that when we change these beliefs within ourself that powerfully our outer world will follow.

Then and only then do we STOP keeping ourselves limited and small by hanging on to and putting up with second best, let alone abusive, disempowering situations which are destroying us.

We also don’t keep hanging on to the pain, the obsession, the resentment and the regrets.

We realise that narcissistic abuse was in fact a spectacular gift in order to finally realise, embrace and release what hadn’t been working within ourselves, in order to become the conscious co-creator with life that we were always meant to be.

Have you recognised the gift of narcissistic abuse? What does it feel like to you?

Or if you are still in the early stage of recovery can you now see the goal you are aiming for?

Please let me know in the comments.

I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course, we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all-consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course, these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…

Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.

Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real-life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.

Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self-care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reign until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your bloodstream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma, it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state, you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this, your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

The Truth Always Sets You Free

I know this blog will create differing emotions for some of you.

It may provide relief, acceptance, and the understanding ‘That’s why. I’m not going mad!’

These people, especially those that are committed to working on, healing and recovering their deeper inner self, will see this as a way forward because embracing the truth about ourself is the only true solution to healing.

Remember that it is the truth that always sets us free. It is being stuck in illusions that destroy us…

If you feel overwhelmed by what has occurred to you, and still don’t want to accept ‘it is not love’, or want to keep your intense focus for extended periods of time on what narcissists are, and why they do what they do, or you want to keep blaming the narcissist’s atrocious behaviour for how you feel now rather than focusing on and healing yourself, then you are not yet in the ‘zone’ of creating real healing and relief.

I hope you know it is my greatest mission to help bring you there.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this blog…

When you understand and become more versed on how narcissists operate, you begin to realise that narcissists project their disowned unacceptable parts on to you and make you out to be the enemy.

Narcissists whittle, and blast away at your self-worth and self-belief, and because the arguments and tirades become so disturbing, so exhausting and so painful you will at these times be constantly defending yourself, fighting for your integrity and trying against all odds to prove that you are a good person with integrity, and it’s the narcissist that is actually these things which he or she is accusing you of.

It is a fruitless battle….

Here are some of the common things that the narcissist will accuse you of being:

• Adulterous
• Non caring and incapable of being a loving partner
• A bad parent
• Materialistic
• A ‘gold digger’
• Competing with him or her
• Untrustworthy to confide in or go to for support
• Doing what you do in the world simply for ego gratification

…the list goes on and on, and of course you may be accused of

• Being a narcissist.

The Narcissist has Set You Up for Blame

If you have battled with co-dependency, over-functioning and poor boundary function you will be very susceptible to accepting the blame, or get caught up in trying to defend yourself against the blame.

The narcissists will use an example in the past however ridiculous it is to pin the reasons why he or she has this dirt on you. Before you know it you will be justifying yourself, and trying to argue your defence.

If you start expertly tackling this – then the narcissist will shift a gear, and bring in allies, real or imagined evidence from other people, or will hit you at your most vulnerable wound which renders you powerless. This may be ‘fear of abandonment’ as an example. The narcissist will infer the relationship is over, or actually state it and leave.

Effectively the narcissist has lined you up as the scapegoat for everything he or she is playing out, and because you have fought for your rights, and didn’t go along with the narcissist’s version of you (the projection used to stop them confronting their own stuff), the narcissist has punished you exactly where he or she knows it hurts the most.

Some people to avoid this destruction of being hit at their most fearful core and start accepting the blame, and actually start believing it! This is soul-destroying and is exactly how to lose your sense of self. The narcissist is relentless, he or she is an angry tormented child in an adult’s body without the capacity for remorse, accountability or conscience, and therefore even if you do accept the blame, and start believing you really are a horrible or defective person, the narcissist will not grant you any peace.

The narcissist is in constant inner turmoil with all sorts of ‘I’m not good enough’ stories running in his or her head that have to be transferred onto someone else in order to make that person ‘wrong’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’. The narcissist cannot emotionally survive any other way – and if you are the intimate partner no matter how much you just agree to keep the peace, the onslaughts don’t stop coming.

This is the model for people who are married to narcissists for years, and even decades. Sadly these are the people that have rolled over become the scapegoat and fade away and die inside.

The Narcissist Escalates until they Win

If you fight back, then inevitably the narcissist will take it to the next level to stay on top and preserve their monstrous ego. You will be lined up, attacked, and brutalised whilst the narcissist creates even more reason to create you as the scapegoat.

And as a result the narcissist can cause you to act in indecent ways, because hooking into crazy people make you act crazily…

Now you will be accused of:

• Not taking responsibility
• Projecting
• Not being accountable for your behaviour – which of course the narcissist will try to punish you and force accountability regarding
• Being false in the world, and hiding behind ‘yes’ people
• And more than likely if you have already been called a narcissist, now you will have become ‘a high-level narcissist’.

So you can see the worse the narcissist becomes in his or her projections on to you, the worse he will accuse you of everything that he or she is doing…

Be aware – the narcissist has very few limits. If he or she has decided you will be broken and made accountable the narcissist is capable of going to horrific lengths to ensure that. The more you stand up in retaliation the higher the level of the abuse will go.

This may include

• Using authorities as weapons
• Physical violence
• Sabotage of your operations
• Severe damage to your reputation
• Blackmail and threats

So you can understand that accepting blame or retaliating is not your answer. Don’t think you can pin a narcissist or force his or her accountability by fighting back – he or she has arsenal in the tool bag that you would never even dream of having or using. You are no match – that is unless you wish to sell your soul and start operating on a similarly destructive and malicious level – but even then the narcissist is an experienced expert, and you could only at best ever be a rank amateur.

So how do I Keep Myself Intact Without Defending Myself or Fighting Back?

Stop fighting and trying to make the narcissist accountable and learn what true boundaries are with unreasonable people who have no conscience or empathy. Your true boundaries are (if living with someone you suspect is a narcissist) stop accepting blame, stop defending yourself, stop arguing back, and stop trying to argue with someone who is in their head blaming you for things that you know you are not doing!

Okay so here is the response you need to use.

“That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not mine, so as far as I’m concerned that’s your problem.”

Then leave the scene, and get on with what you are doing, and don’t participate with this person again unless they are going to be respectful.

If the scene changes to emotional blackmail, threats or taking it to another level to inflict pain, you know you are dealing with a narcissist or at the very least someone with narcissistic traits. No matter how hard it is, don’t hook, regardless of the triggers which get pushed in you, don’t retaliate, and of course if things escalate to the damage of yourself or your property it is time to call the police.

Angry five year olds in adult bodies don’t like it when they don’t get their own way, so you need to be responsible for yourself and prepared for what could erupt when you lay that boundary and refuse to keep being the scapegoat for the narcissist’s vile parts that he or she is not taking responsibility for.

As always don’t try to show your narcissist this information and bring to their attention what they are doing. That never works! Use this information as your personal defence against anyone in your life who is trying to hold you accountable for their own inner demons, and you will see they either start healing and taking responsibility (if this person has the resources to do so) or they will take it to the next level, which means you can’t be safe with this person and the relationship has to end…

The important point is you will get your answer and no longer will you have to endure being blamed for someone else’s inexcusable behaviour.

What choice do you have if you want to save your soul and life and start living a painless life that is your truth?

That’s right, “None”.

We may experience this in many different forms. Maybe this person who once vowed and declared we are their soul mate, that they truly love us, and they can’t live without us has moved on to another relationship without even a second glance. And maybe this person is attempting to discredit and destroy us, and is trying to rip us apart in property and custody battles.

These behaviours are clearly the very opposite of what love should be.

Of course this feels personal, and the narcissist’s tactics bring on every insecurity and fear that we may have had about ourselves, namely I am not lovable and not worthy of being loved.

Virtually every individual who has sustained a relationship with a narcissist loved this person, and kept loving until it hurt – horrifically. We can agonise about the injustice of handing over so much of our love and support for months, years or decades to come to the horrific realisation that all of this loving and giving amounted to nothing, and was never genuinely reciprocated by the very person who was meant to love us.

In all of the people that I work with, and within my own narcissistic abuse experience, this situation proves to be one of the hardest to get past, and to come to terms with. We feel emotionally annihilated by this insane betrayal of what we thought our love with this person was.

As human beings with a conscience, compassion and love to give, it feels unthinkable that another person is incapable of loving, or that they can profess love one minute, and do the exact opposite the next.

This insane version of love greatly disturbs our logic and destroys our emotions, because ‘love’ is the very essence of why we want to be in a relationship, connect and share our lives with another person. Loving and the being able to share love is as natural a desire for us as it is to breathe air.

When we look at our version of love we have no ability to fathom, let alone accept, why the narcissist did not reciprocate love genuinely.

Understanding Why the Narcissist is Incapable of Love

In order to come to terms with The Narcissist Never Loved You, you must understand why he or she acts the way narcissists do.

• The narcissist does not operate as what we know is a ‘normal’ human being.
• The narcissist has no desire to allow love, teamwork and co-operation into his or her life.
• The narcissist believes he or she has to remain ‘separate’ in order to survive.
• The narcissist needs to dump his or her internal torment onto an intimate partner and make the other person at fault in order to try to relieve his or her tormented inner self.
• The narcissist needs to steal energy (‘narcissistic supply’) in order to attempt to fill their own pain of inner emptiness.
• The narcissist, due to internal emptiness needs to take energy, and doesn’t have the resources to give energy once having secured much needed supply.
• The narcissist through damaging a person close to them, experiences the omnipotent high of feeling significant enough to affect another person in this manner.
• The narcissist cannot genuinely feel love, but knows how to feign it in order to secure attention and significance.
• Narcissists know that intimate people in their life, who are hooked, are the best targets to harvest as well as release internal anger, and that these people will hang around whilst it takes place.

From our own moral compass, these things seem horrific and unspeakable. The following information may be confrontation, but the reason I am expressing what I am about to say is because it will help you understand what narcissism is…

If we are all honest with ourselves – we know that the times when we feel empty, worthless, scared and insecure that we may have acted in manipulative ways, and even hurt other people in order to try and feel better within ourselves.

Whether or not we were children or adults, we know our capacity to be immature and nasty. If we live our life through a lens of fear and victimised feelings, we feel separate, unworthy and unlovable, and may act narcissistically when seeing other people as the enemy.

Hopefully these times are momentary, and because we have a conscience we often regret what we have done – and apologise and take responsibility. If we apply self-realisation, we realise that these tactics of fear, separation and egoic defence mechanisms do not procure healthy results, and accordingly we decide to grow up.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you were stuck in this programming with no way out? This is exactly the reality for the narcissist who has such an over-developed, fearful and aggressive ego and such a damaged, stunted and numb sense of connection, union and trust, that the narcissist simply cannot operate in any other way. If he or she momentarily does, as soon as self-loathing and fear re-surfaces (which are the narcissist’s powerful inner drivers) the old compulsions kick straight back into gear and constantly reassert.

Quite simply the narcissist can’t and doesn’t grow up.

You would have experienced this many times. Just when you think the narcissist gets it, takes responsibility for the poor behaviour and professes to change, My Hyde appears again, and you’re going back through the same abusive, non-sensical and mind-bending patterns. You continually feel like you are battling with an irrational 5 year old.

If you are really honest with yourself – you know that this is not what ‘love’ is meant to be.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist is incapable of love, because the narcissist is incapable of loving and accepting his or her self. The enemy within becomes the enemy without – and everyone is the enemy because of this self-loathing – and as the intimate partner, this most definitely means you are the closest target on this list.

The first step in gaining relief from the torment of realising He or she never loved me, is the acceptance of the truth that a narcissist does what a narcissist does, because they are a narcissist.

The Truth will always set you free…

Your Soul Truth

(Feel into this…)

When we resist The Truth, our healing process cannot begin, because we try to change ‘what is’ into a version of ‘what we want it to be’. ‘What is’ simply is – and denial means our emotions and life will keep beating us up until we accept the truth. Delusion, denial and non-acceptance are resistance which creates our self-disintegration, because we can never come to peace with our life in the now.

When we accept The Truth we finally start to set ourselves free, take back our power and incorporate a version of ‘love’ that is going to work.

One thing is for certain, you can’t make a narcissist love you, and in fact you can’t make anyone love you, you can only learn how to love yourself, and then people who are capable of genuine love will gravitate towards you.

Like so many others I used to seek myself through others. I had numerous partners, even before the narcissist, whereby I only felt loved if they were loving me. I didn’t know how to have an authentic sense of love for myself. As a result I would try to make people who didn’t have the resources love me, and stayed attached to them in this futile exercise.

When I realised The Truth, which all along was: This had always been about learning to Love Myself, everything shifted.

No longer was I attracted to unavailable, addiction prone or narcissistic individuals. THEN healthy people that showed me genuine love became my reality.

I explain in detail how you can make this change in my eBook How to Recognise and Heal Co-dependency.

(Please note this eBook is included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program)

Additionally, you will learn how to reject people that don’t love you, rather than believing and feeling that it is you that is being rejected.

In order to get real love you must understand:

• It isn’t anyone else’s job to supply you with ‘love’, it’s your job.
• Your loveableness does not rely on any specific person’s level of love or non-love.
• When you don’t love and back yourself, you will rationalise away the warning signs, the pain and the abuse, and try to make an abusive person love you in order to feel whole.
• You haven’t previous to, and during this abuse, felt ‘enough’ or ‘lovable’ unless someone else was granting you love, and you felt rejected and unlovable when they weren’t.

Coming Home to Loving You

The Laws of Life and Energetic Reality is an absolute force and the foundation of all reality you experience. This system is undeniable, and can’t be shortcut.Your experience in life will only ever supply and provide you with what it is that you are supplying yourself.

The ‘gap’ that the narcissist was able to operate through is: You hadn’t yet learnt healthy boundaries, how to love and respect yourself fully, or how to let go of the ‘dream’ that someone else was going to provide your love and safety and inner fullness for you.

All of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse wanted to feel whole, safe, lovable and ‘enough’ as a result of another person confirming this for us. The truth is, we hadn’t as yet confirmed these essential ‘self commodities’ within ourself. We hadn’t realised the absolute need to genuinely love, respect and back ourselves in order to receive more of that from others.

The realisation ‘he or she never loved me’ is pointing us to the place of authenticity, and the way home to the love we really want to create in our life. The crippling pain (which is arguably like no other) has brought on the necessity to understand what we need to establish within ourselves.

When you do the work on this, you will know that it is irrelevant that the narcissist isn’t capable of love, in fact that is the narcissist’s issue and curse in life to bear (the inability to know, participate in and share genuine love), whereas you do have this ability, and you (unlike the narcissist) can turn your love experience around.

This is not about the narcissist – this was always about you. The narcissist was simply a catalyst showing you the truth.

When you do the work on your inner, a person who is incapable of love will not be your reality. You will no longer agonise over the ‘what if’s’, ‘should have beens’, and the wasted years of your effort and love, and you will come home to yourself genuinely and create genuine love in your life.

Your healing is the need to let go of the need to gain yourself through love from the narcissist, and fully commit to the journey of loving yourself.

You are capable of creating real love from within, and this is the only place that manifests it genuinely from others. That is the life you deserve.

Once accepting and being at peace with ‘the narcissist didn’t love me’, you have the golden opportunity to claim the gift of giving you back to loving yourself.

Those of you that have come to terms that the narcissist never loved you, please share your stories and insight into how you overcame this hurdle.

It will help and inspire many to do the same.

Remember, you can always remain anonymous.