But to most of you, this may seem very difficult.

You might believe that putting yourself first is selfish or feels wrong in some way.

You might even be confused about what self-love is!

No doubt, throughout your narcissistic relationship, you experienced many times when your needs were neglected and seen as unimportant.

To make matters worse, the narcissist’s efforts to continually derail you, using any available or fabricated ammunition against you and projecting his or her behavior onto you (making it all out to be your fault), will have succeeded in smashing your self-esteem to pieces.

You want to get better and heal after this tragic event in your life, but when faced with the task of providing yourself with unconditional love and encouragement, it might seem like climbing Mount Everest would be easier.

You might have been doing the exact opposite for so long. You may have a history of putting everyone else’s needs before yourself. And most certainly, your relationship with the narcissist has been all about him or her rather than you. It is usual that due to the narcissist blaming you and because your emotions have felt so tormented, you have become critical of yourself rather than supportive.

I want you to know that this difficulty was normal (and was certainly experienced by me) before I started making an effort to give myself the love and encouragement that I needed to recover.

When you first change your behavior, it can feel unnatural, but if you commit, you can drastically alter your life in ways you couldn’t imagine.

Today, I want to help you start moving forward in your recovery by showing you how to provide genuine love and support. This is achieved by moving forward into acceptance and taking responsibility for what you have been through.

There are two types of healing I consistently see about narcissistic abuse – and they are truly polar opposites – one being non-healing, where the ability to thrive, let alone basically recover, is stunted, and true-healing, whereby the individual thrives and creates a much more empowered self as a result of being narcissistically abused.

The difference comes down to this:

Growing through the experience, or

just trying to go through the experience.

So, how do we grow through the experience?

We grow by using our narcissistic experience to heal and change our lives for the better.

This has to be done by (after initially discovering what ‘narcissism’ is) getting our focus off the narcissist and firmly on ourselves so that we can heal our pain, fear, and insecurities.

This is very hard to do if we choose to stay in pain. This occurs if we are not committed to healing and changing ourselves.

If we don’t commit to healing ourselves, we will resist getting better—and we will not even be at first base in regard to getting well.

We stay separated from ourselves.

Shifting Through Resentment and into Acceptance

As soon as we start judging ourselves in relation to how bad our lives have ended up, the emotional pain becomes unbearable.

Statements such as:

How could I have stayed so long?

How could I have been tricked so easily?

I’m so stupid!

I have wasted (however many) years of my life.

My life has become everything terrible that I never imagined it would become.

We may try and reduce the emotional pain by shifting the blame onto something outside of ourselves (usually the narcissist), which, of course, renders us more powerless…

We start recovering when we understand why and how we can accept what happened to us without judgment.

This means we need to face, embrace, and support our unhealed parts without pain or self-judgment. It is about accepting and embracing them unconditionally with self-acceptance.

You are your most powerful force. You are the key person who can heal, love, support yourself, and create change. Everything you need is within you.

I now understand this so well. It was fundamental to my healing and has been to many other people’s recovery.

Healing starts with taking responsibility.

Yes, he or she is a narcissist who is impossible to have a healthy relationship with – BUT if you make this healing journey about you and healing the unhealed parts that created you as susceptible to narcissist abuse, you will create a healing experience that genuinely defies one you believed was possible.

I often find that the people who are stuck in non-recovery are not just blaming the narcissist; they are also deeply ashamed of themselves for being ‘so stupid,’ ‘wasting my life,’ ‘losing everything I put in’ ‘trusting this person only to get destroyed, discarded, etc., etc.’  and the list goes on and on.

Please know I understand these normal human painful emotions, and all the way up until my breakdown, I was doing all of these things myself.

When I ask people the question, “Were you ‘full and happy before they met the narcissist?” the question means within yourself, within your own soul.…because you may need to accept (to get well) that the system of life is ‘energetic’ it is not ‘practical.’

Many of us were ‘independent’ and even ‘successful’. In fact, many, many people who were narc abused are very capable and independent people, yet not emotionally ‘whole’.

It is also common for people to meet narcs after years of being single. But again, it comes back to ‘Was I whole?’, and ‘Did I have beliefs about myself and life that allowed me to be whole?” or ‘Do I even know what being whole is?’

Taking on the shame and blame is a choice – and is a long way from ‘I accept I have unhealed parts, and this is why I was in a narcissistic relationship, and NOW I CAN accept and heal them’.

Shame and blame only come when we can’t accept this about ourselves and make our recovery all about ourselves.

When we let go of the focus on shame and blame and move forward into the proactive energy of creating what we do want instead of staying stuck in what we don’t want, everything changes.

The Two Vital Questions You Must Ask Yourself

If you are having difficulty shifting into acceptance and moving forward in your recovery, ask yourself these questions:

“Why would I keep hanging on to resentment when it is only going to bring me more emotional pain and more of the behaviors of love partners and people that I resent?” and

“Why did I attract and sustain a relationship with a narcissist?”

When we are ready to honestly confront and take responsibility (not make it about anyone else but ourselves) for these questions from a true soul level, we are in a position to start getting well.

If you cannot embrace and honestly start working with these questions, you are stuck in your ego. This is perfectly understandable when you have been hurt and are still in pain and fear.

Your ego wants justice, revenge, and accountability—and the ego needs to be ‘right’ and make someone else ‘wrong’. Even if you got ‘justice’ (and you won’t if trying to force justice and accountability from a space of pain), your ego would get a feed momentarily, and then you would STILL be feeling terrible after it wore off.

Nothing we achieve through our ego holds, feels durably good, or is sustainable – ever!

We can let our ego kick, scream, and condemn for as long as we like—and the result will be the same—we keep hitting brick walls and experiencing pain until we FINALLY accept that true healing is all about dissolving our ego, realizing it is our internal enemy. Blame and shame are all products of our egos that take us away from our liberation and not toward it.

Self Accountability

Why do we need self-accountability? We need it to become conscious and to grow. Without it, we believe ‘it’s everyone else’s fault and problem’ and don’t change ourselves.

Self-accountability is not about accepting ‘blame’—it is about making the decision to heal, grow, and become better as a result of the pain.

It is the model of knowing:

‘I realize and embrace that there are parts of me that contributed to being susceptible and powerless to narcissistic abuse.’ By accepting this, I can focus on healing these unhealed parts. Doing so can create true change and solutions in my life.

Recognizing Your Unhealed Parts

Even before you can begin recovery, you need to be aligned with proper recovery, and this is realizing that pain, blame, and shame are not aligned with getting well.

Recently, on the NARC Facebook Group, I showed an example of recognizing the unhealed parts that allowed my abuse to take place.

I started with my own list of reasons as to why I got hooked on a narcissistic relationship.

These reasons were integral parts of my personality, which existed before my narcissistic relationship:

• I was not whole or happy with myself
• I always needed some accomplishment or someone ‘loving me’ to feel okay about myself
• I was unresolved over previous relationships and had not accepted or healed the unhealed parts that showed up within these painful relationships.
• I had never learned to love and accept myself unconditionally ‘just for being me.’
• I believed I was only lovable for what I could produce
• I was never able to just ‘be’ without being obsessive/compulsive and thinking about ‘what I should be doing.’
• I found it very hard to treat myself nicely, nurture or value myself
• I was my own worst critic rather than knowing how to speak to myself lovingly and supportively
• I could not accept compliments easily and believe I deserved them
• I could not let people into my life without fearing they had agendas or would control me
• I was suspicious of other people, and I didn’t know if I could trust myself to honor me, lay boundaries, and walk away rather than rely on someone else to ‘love me.’

The list goes on and on, and the truth is that I could write 10 pages.

The truth is I was NOT real with myself (unconditional love and support), and I gravitated into a relationship with ANOTHER false person!

I have no shame in admitting these things, and I have incredible relief in doing so.

I am still imperfect, but my life now is about taking responsibility instead of blaming life and others for what I choose and create. Now, I can and do heal these aspects of myself instead of careering into more pain, blame, and shame with no way out.

And that is the difference now.

The Magical 55 Points of Self-Accountability and Healing

An incredible thing then happened on the NARC Page, as another member deeply fell into herself and came up with a list of 55 points as to what she recognized about herself (her belief systems) that had led her into a very painful narcissistic marriage.

These were magical.                                                                                  

They described so many of the reasons why we get narcissistically abused.

I related to so many of these points.

What was totally consistent was that many people in the group who were having big and powerful healing breakthroughs (working NARP) also did and posted as such.

These 55 points were:

1. The more I do for people, the more people will love/like, and accept me
2. If I do what people want, they will love me
3. People won’t love me for being me
4. If I disagree with people and what they say, they will not like me
5. My happiness depends on what other people are or are not doing
6. I am obsessive about other people’s bad behavior and let it control and dictate my life and how I feel. I need them to recognize their behavior and admit to it for me to feel OK
7. If I am right and they are wrong, I need to know people ‘get this’ for me to feel OK and move on
8. I sometimes let people take control because that means I don’t have to make decisions in fear of failure, and that makes me feel safe
9. People have hidden agendas, and if they say something nice, it’s because they want something from me
10. If people do something for me, they want something in return
11. I find it hard to treat and nurture myself because I do not deserve it, and people will view me as being selfish and leave
12. The less I ask for, the more I will get
13. If I voice my needs, people will leave me, and that is not OK
14. Just being me is not enough. I must be more by what everyone else deems enough
15. I did not lay clear boundaries and allowed people to walk all over me and convince me my boundaries were wrong, needy, over the top, and unacceptable
16. I am easily swayed by what other people feel is acceptable or not and do not honor my own feelings and beliefs and speak my truth
17. I must achieve other people’s standards to be accepted and be deemed acceptable
18. I alone am not enough
19. I must achieve stuff to succeed and feel whole, confident, at peace, and OK and to be accepted
20. I do/did not love myself unconditionally
21. I did not back myself and needed other people to have my back to feel ok and safe
22. I do/did not trust myself and my gut instincts
23. I was too scared to leave in fear of failure and stayed to prove my worthiness. And needed others to love me, recognize this, and acknowledge this for me to feel this
24. I am not enough, so I must prove this to people at all costs, even if it means going against what and who I really am, and as a result, I lose myself
25. I felt/feel worthless and need people to remind me of my worthiness to feel it myself
26. If I don’t have control, I will lose control
27. I was petrified of being abandoned and being replaced, so I stayed to avoid this
28. I stayed regardless of everything I knew was wrong in fear of someone else replacing me and being better than me
29. If I dismissed what I really felt and allowed him the freedom he wanted, he would want me more, and things would be OK
30. I constantly forgave people for unforgivable behavior and allowed myself to be abused over and over again
31. I did not have enough self-respect for myself and needed this from the outside to feel respected
32. I need to feel needed to feel worthy and ok
33. I get jealous/territorial/competitive/unsure of myself regarding some of the relationships other people have with other people in fear of them liking them better and abandoning me. This would mean I am not enough
34. I do not have self-confidence unless I feel amazing, look amazing, and everything is going well in my life
35. I easily lose self-confidence and become very jealous of other people and or what they have instead of knowing, loving, and being content with who I am and what I have
36. People’s opinions of me rule and dictate my life and how I feel
37. I wasted a lot of time trying to please everyone else to feel pleased within and about myself
38. I forfeited my dreams and goals, thinking that someone else could provide them for me and that they would be better
39. I have never really known what I want to do in my life and have relied/hoped that someone else could fill this hole for me
40. I am scared of failure and not being good enough and have made excuses and waited for the outside world to fix this for me because I am scared of failure and making the wrong mistake again
41. I need other people to agree with me for me to agree with me – trust myself unconditionally and feel ok
42. I constantly overanalyze thoughts and situations, make excuses for others’ behavior, and second-guess myself
43. I am far too hard on myself and am my own worst critic
44. I allowed someone to control me, my thoughts, values, and beliefs, and as a result, I lost myself
45. I don’t think I have ever been authentic. I must be the person people want me to be to be loved and accepted
46. I was obsessive about being accepted as an equal by both the outside world and with my ex-narc to feel accepted, equal, and good enough for him
47. I have relied on other people’s point of view to trust my own
48. I must prove myself and my self-worth to feel self-worth
49. I need to prove myself and am obsessive/compulsive about it
50. I allowed myself to be treated continuously in unacceptable ways because I did not lay firm enough boundaries, follow through, and have the guts to walk away and feel whole on my own
51. The kinder I am, the kinder people will be to me
52. If I did so much and was so much, I would never be replaced and abandoned
53. Being replaceable and abandoned and someone else being better, prettier, more intelligent, ‘more this more that’ petrifies me and has always been a huge issue in my life, and I fight it at all costs
54. I don’t love myself, I am not enough, and I need someone to remind me of this, accomplish stuff, have stuff, do stuff to feel good about myself and be accepted by other people
55. I was not enough for my husband, and someone else was

Unconditionally Loving and Accepting Yourself

On the same day, another member posted in the NARC Group about’ What is loving myself?’ and ‘I have no frame of reference to do this.’

My response to her was:

“Self-love is acknowledging our inner dysfunctions and what has not worked for us.

The 55 points are a magnificent list, allowing us to embrace and realize so much. THEN we look at this wounded, hurt part of ourselves as our inner child and say to this part of ourselves, ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much, I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you, and help you get better’.

That is what loving ourselves is.

It is a dedication, a devotion, a commitment, and then we immediately are ‘self-love’, and we get to create more and more and more of it.

And THEN we get to attract the REAL deal from life—as an inevitable match of who we are to ourselves.

Our inner child has been screaming out in pain for help, devotion, and love and was unfortunately trying to get that from ‘outside of us’ because we didn’t go to her ourselves. She could never get this from ‘the outside.’ It HAD TO come from us – and that is why, until now, she was not getting better.

This is why it is ALWAYS about healing the self with unconditional love and focus. There is nothing else to change or fix! “

The member answered with another post, amazed at how ‘simple’ the concept of ‘loving herself’ was.

My next response was:

“It is incredible how the ‘truth’ is always so simple. Our egos, our minds, and the human condition have caused us to complicate everything to the extreme! That is great news that you understand and can commit to the simple, true formula now! Now you are on your way ‘home’ – absolutely. All you need to do is ‘do’ this, the ‘being’ of loving you.”

I would love you to join in on the self-accountability exercise by listing the reasons why you got hooked on a narcissistic relationship. You can use your own examples or ones from the magical 55-point list. If you would like, please share your answers in the comments below. However, if you would like to keep it private, just write the list for yourself.

This exercise will allow you to recognize your unhealed parts that require healing to start accepting, embracing, and healing them unconditionally.

Once you recognize your insecure, broken parts and step up with love, you become the loving, supportive, healing source to yourself you may have never been before this point.

This is the key to change your life – forever. This is the absolute formula to come out of narcissistic abuse and finally love yourself without exception.

Leaving a narcissist is never easy…

To the outside world it would seem obvious that you should just ‘get out’…. but as we all know when it comes to the leaving part – and even after you go – you may really struggle with the decision.

When deciding to leave a narcissist you are likely experiencing a myriad of emotions. Fear, regret, guilt, ‘what if’s’, and ‘maybe he or she could change’.

You may still be holding on to the hope that this relationship could turn into everything you wish it was meant to be.

You know that if you leave this is a big statement, and unless you are willing to mean it and follow through, there could be dire consequences.

It is so hard to upset the dream of this perfect partner, or this incredible life you thought you were going to have with the narcissist, and truly once being hooked by a narcissist every part of your emotional addiction is trying to keep you hooked to the narcissist for many reasons (explained in detail in this article.)

The truth is virtually everyone, before empowering themselves (which means healing our unhealed parts) failed many times at leaving the narcissist.

They often stayed far too long in the relationship, and after leaving returned to the abuse time and time again.

For so many reasons, painful confusion and torment makes it nearly impossible to firmly believe and stick to: I have made the right decision to leave.

The Narcissist’s Tricks You if You Try to Leave

The narcissist is an expert at confusing you. He or she wants to retain you for narcissistic supply. And this means that narcissist will hit whichever emotional button causes you the most angst in order to affect you and keep you hooked.

You don’t have to still be in the relationship, or living under the same roof to be providing supply, as long as the narcissist keeps his or her hooks in to you.

If this is the case you will be still granting attention (which may simply be you obsessing), and you are still prey.

If being abandoned and discarded are your greatest fears (childhood programs of unavailable parents), the narcissist may act as if he or she doesn’t care when you’re leaving. This will cause you to fall into a heap “I can’t believe I mean nothing to you!”, start contacting the narcissist for some show of ‘care’, and thus go back for more abuse.

The narcissist still has control over you and knows it…

If the narcissist is jealous and controlling, and you have inner programs of despising feeling smothered, distrusted and controlled (parents who ran your life and violated your boundaries) the narcissist will try to make your life a living hell if you leave.

He or she will strip you of your assets, gain more control of your life and create so much angst, threats and trouble that it makes it very hard for you to leave, or once leaving you may feel ‘forced’ to come back to try to stop the onslaughts.

The narcissist will attempt to punish you horrifically. Understandably, if this is your dynamic it is very important to plan your departure mindfully without the narcissist knowing.

If your blind spot is ‘empathy and guilt’ (childhood programs of being conditioned to feel that you are only lovable when you are self-sacrificing yourself to what a parent wants you to do, or the inner childhood program of ‘If I help heal you I will be safer’) the narcissist may cry and plead and declare “I love you, I know I need help, please don’t desert me. If you love you won’t abandon me!” 

Leaving the Narcissist Triggers Our Greatest Fears

The truth is – the pain you are about to go through is a huge old Inner Identity wound exploding into your consciousness in full technicolour.

You are about to face extreme abandonment or punishment or guilt (or all three), and any of these painful emotions are the very opposite of the love you thought you had signed up for when you entered this relationship.

These are your old re-activated childhood wounds, and when we re-open old wounds (that are not yet healed), they hurt – horribly.

They feel like you are dying.

The narcissist is the master of targeting our old wounds and ripping them open.

This is the very method a narcissist employs to control us against all of our logic, and all of our better judgement.

Our old unresolved wounds, when heavily triggered by the narcissist, don’t make us run away they make us attach even more.

 And when we don’t take responsibility for these wounds, and don’t recognise, accept they exist or put our focus on healing them, they can be activated very easily, and the pain is horrific.

They scream at us, and in our panic, we make terrible decisions and we feel completely powerless.

These old unhealed wounds keep driving us back into the clutches of the narcissist if we try to leave – or they don’t allow us to leave.

The reason is: if we don’t take responsibility for these inner wounds we will do everything in our power to try to get the person who is bringing these wounds up for us (the narcissist) to fix these wounds for us so that the pain and panic can stop.

Through pleading, coercing, confronting, crying, raging, manipulating, retaliating, trying to force accountability, pleading helplessness – and every other method we can lay our hands on, we try to make the narcissist stop doing what he or she is doing – and we feel like we will disintegrate if we can’t make this happen.

What we forgot to understand is: these are our wounds, they were already present.

The narcissist just knew how to play on these wounds but they were always ours.

How our Mind and Emotions Behave When We Leave

When we have unhealed parts, that we are not fully focused on healing, our mind jumps in to try and stop the pain.

The problem with this is our mind does a terrible job of this…

Our mind tries to get solution from everywhere other than where the pain is really going on (inside us).

And when our mind believes that fixing or changing the outside is going to stop the pain, we lose focus and drift further away from the pain’s origin – where it really needs to be healed.

When our mind is in charge, rather than take responsibility for the healing of our unhealed parts to get true relief and healing and to stop our pattern of being narcissistically abused,  we second guess ourselves, or feel like we have ‘missed something’ .

Something feels incomplete…and…our deepest survival fears are triggered and we obsess into the fears and the stories of ‘How will I survive?” and ‘I may always be alone’ or ‘My life is finished’.

If we are not aware, we can easily hand our power over and stay, or cave in and go back to the narcissist.

In this broken state we can feel drawn to not taking responsibility and have the outside fix us.

Taking responsibility feels REALLY HARD at first. But the more you do it the easier it gets.

You aren’t going to get well by just leaving and try to get on with your life. You need to commit to you.

This is why it is imperative to commit to healing yourself as soon as you can, and realise this is not actually about what the narcissist is doing to you before or after you leave…

This is about healing YOUR unhealed parts that the narcissist is belting you with.

And when you do you will be able to leave healthily and powerful with greatly reduced levels of confusion and pain.

Because once you do heal these parts, the narcissist will have no hold over you again, he or she has nothing to belt you with, and you will not be a match for the same dynamic ever again.

It took me at least a dozen times of leaving the narcissist before I really understood these vital points.

I really hope this helps you leave your narcissist successfully and if it did I would love to hear your story in the comments.

If you have already left the narcissist, do you have any other important lessons that would help someone who is yet to leave? Please share them in the comments below and I will add the most helpful contributions along with your name into this blog post so new readers can benefit from your insight.

Thanks for reading.

I hope you enjoyed Part One of “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It”. If you haven’t seen it yet please do so before watching this video.

I am really excited about Part Two, because it will grant you an even deeper understanding of narcissistic abuse, and how it has affected you.

After watching Part Two you will learn the following –

• How your emotional mood can have significant impact on what you experience in your outer world. This gives you awareness to set up mastery over your emotions in order to improve your life in powerful ways.
• How when you accept a belief as real, it affects how your life plays out. This will help you realise that in order to live a better life, you need to change your inner beliefs first.
• How you can use your most powerful tool – the unconscious mind  –  to release the negative beliefs you accepted when you were narcissistically abused.

Introduction to Part Two

While going through the depths of narcissistic abuse you feel lost, broken, powerless, anxious and incredibly depressed. It feels like you don’t have the confidence, energy or will to feel better, or to make anything positive in your life happen.

When I was suffering from narcissistic abuse (before I found the answers) a typical day would begin like this. I would wake up with extreme anxiety and dread. The thought of facing the day, trying to relate to people and go through even the most mundane and ‘normal’ tasks felt like someone was asking me to climb Mount Everest.

Before I discovered how to heal myself, I had no idea how I was going to get through anything, let alone re-build my shattered life.

We know that narcissistic abuse causes a tremendous negative impact on our emotional wellbeing.

We can’t feel confidence, positivity or joy.  Every situation is fraught with feelings of being overwhelmed, the fear that we won’t be able to function, the fear that we could get it wrong, and the fear that our life is going to get even more overwhelming and difficult to cope with.

We find it extremely difficult to trust other people, everything about life, and most of all we feel so crippled we don’t know how to trust ourself.

When the slightest thing goes wrong we can easily spiral into feelings of pain and complete helplessness.

It is no coincidence that when you are riddled with feelings of dread and fearing the next horrible thing happening to you, that it impacts your entire life and as a result you continually experience recurring painful results.

Not only that, your dreams of having a happy life with a loving partner, and creating a glorious future have been crushed.

You no longer believe you will achieve any of this. And whilst you are suffering horrific agony, your inner identify believes things won’t get any better.

This is because narcissistic abuse affects us at our deepest level. We accept and absorb the pain and the abuse as core inner beliefs.

After suffering narcissistic abuse, the beliefs of yourself and how you thought your life was going to play out have been altered significantly and horrifically damaged.

What Did You Think of Part Two?

I felt really inspired when I created this video because I know it can really help you to understand how to get to the real issues in order to heal them.

Did you understand this message? Is it clear for you? Are you now understanding why your life has felt so shattered, and are you realising the deeper level that you need to address in order to heal?

Once again if you could go to Youtube, ‘Like’ the video and or leave a comment I would be eternally grateful.

The video series I have been working on in the background for the last few months called “How the Phenomenon of Narcissistic Abuse Occurs and How You Can Overcome It” is complete, and today part one is released.

By the end of this series you will understand what has occurred to you energetically as a result of narcissistic abuse,  and how you can use this knowledge to start recovering faster than you could have ever imagined.

Part one of this series lays the foundation to understand:

• How and why we become addicted to the pain and abuse from the narcissist.
• How we feel that talking about our pain helps, yet it actually makes our recovery process take longer.
• How we can cement our deterioration at a physiological, psychological and emotional level, and not even realise this is taking place.

What Did You Think?

This is my first video production on melanietoniaevans.com, and as such I would really appreciate your feedback.

Did you get benefit out of this show?

Was there any parts that could have been explained better?

If you liked this show I would love you to go on Youtube and “like” the video and send it to your friends or family. This will help to spread this important message.

My goal is to share with the world these important truths about narcissistic abuse, so please know any little bit of support for this mission helps, and I am eternally grateful!

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life you wish to live and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits, and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behavior at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behavior and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person, at some point, seemed like the love of your life, and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behavior and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately, only to be set up for another soul-destroying experience.

In this article, I will show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal—boundaries—to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being, and even life.

Nothing is worse than being set up maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behavior, have had their near-death experience (wake-up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy to address their inner toxic issues causing their selfish behavior, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a massive difference between a person who has misbehaved, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection, and poor behavior.

If this person has the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you, you must make a lot of this shift.

But it won’t be due to you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be a result of you “fixing yourself.”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles, and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead, live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article, I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people for whom I truly feel there is little or no hope.

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

• Pathological liars
• Serial sex addicts
• Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or who use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
• Physical abusers
• Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
• Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic, or psychopathic behavior

Suppose your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories. In that case, I believe the chances of reform are incredibly slim, and I would suggest moving on and continuing to move on. This is my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise, that is fine.

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

• Hitting rock bottom due to “loss” – generally, this loss will be you.
• Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created, and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
• Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
• Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
• Complete focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
• Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, the actions match the words.
• Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
• Not displaying entitlements, jealousy, or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting that it’s because of their behavior that you were in that position
• Willing to talk to anyone else in your life who doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being while conducting themselves in total humility and accountability to help support you
• Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
• Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you read above may be outlandish or even seem incredible. I promise you some individuals have treated their partners abusively and have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

Quite frankly, their partners, after losing trust and having their hearts smashed, should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also, nothing less than full accountability, actual boundaries, and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure that narcissistic behavior does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you receive this authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We know they can say precisely what we want to hear, cry, plead, and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back into the relationship to get a narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic, malicious web. In such cases, it has nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see, it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her, “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly, “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now, you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they must prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom.”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out a lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff onto you. Narcissistic behaviors are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain to be addressed and healed; otherwise, the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly) who accept that their behavior is defective and that their life is not working for them, and others want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and is not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who hurt you are never safe unless they provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame-throwing, and excuses are unacceptable—even spasmodic. They either accept that what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between being “about you” or being “about them.”

If you have been abused, it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love, and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of a rebuild. Believe me, it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if you consider taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like, “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that,” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, the demands, aggression, projections, blame-throwing “poor me,” and guilt trips start again?

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact, and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

The Million Dollar Question

Now, I hope you realize the question isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The question is: “Is this person going to step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

You will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / now, the answer is “No” unless it ever happens, and the answer may change.

In the meantime, you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that aligns with truth, integrity, love, and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Indeed, you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

If your situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters, and find out if this person is natural, if the love is real, or whether it was an NPD relationship.

Be clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth, and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute, and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries always run a considerable risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they initially walked away from ….

This is another life and death – make-or-break deal… totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety, you are abusing yourself.