I hope you enjoyed the first week of the 30 day challenge. Hopefully by now you have written your affirmations and are repeating them daily. You should have finished your Declaration To Self and placed it somewhere you can review it often.

I know this is quite a bit of work but I promise you it’s worth it!

If you follow this series diligently it should set up a habit to prioritize your personal growth and healing throughout your life…which is so important.

Click here if you would like to listen to 30 Days To Empowered Self Week 2

Before we get into this week’s exercises I would like to announce what the prizes are for participating in the 30 Days To Empowered Self Challenge.

Since the Quanta Freedom Healing modules were released in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program in 2011, thousands of people have grown and benefitted from Quanta Freedom’s ability to heal and realign their emotions, energy and belief systems – which as we know suffered traumatically during narcissistic abuse.

I still receive countless emails every day telling me how much of a miracle Quanta Freedom Healing is, and how people can’t believe the literal life transformations that take place because of it.

The truth is I know Quanta Freedom Healing allows miracles to occur.

I use it on myself daily!

Since I returned from Bali I have been working on creating a brand new set of Quanta Freedom Healing Modules for people who have overcome the pain of narcissistic abuse. This is for the people who are ready to move forward and create an even more empowered sense of freedom and personal growth.

The new Quanta Freedom Healing modules will align your energy and belief systems with self-love, self-worth, self-confidence, deservedness, independency and interdependency, and the assertiveness to set and hold self-honouring boundaries.

These Quanta Freedom Healings will provide you with the next level of your healing and self-empowerment.

I am putting these 10 new modules together with the Empowered Self journaling eCourse and it will be released at the end of the 30 Days To Empowered Self.

I will be giving away the first 5 brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses in a draw at the end of the 30 days.

To go into the draw for one of these brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Courses all you need to do is post your progress questions at the end of each lesson in the comments below the article (you must answer each question in each of the four lessons).

Why You Need to Shift From Co-dependency to Independency

The human condition has programmed us to believe that our ‘power’ and ‘worth’ had to be provided by the levels of love, approval and success we received from outside of ourselves.

The problem with these beliefs is that we engage with life from a position of pain and fear (inner emptiness), rather than expressing fullness, confidence and healthy beliefs.

Rather than be in ‘the moment’ in our personal power, we carry the scars of the past (our unhealed wounds), and the consequent fear of the future. Inherently on the inside we feel powerless and unworthy, because we have not yet achieved what we want to achieve.

As a result of not yet establishing a solid sense of self, we need things to have certain outcomes in order to feel okay about ourself, and if they don’t we default back to feeling unlovable and unworthy.

When we render other people responsible for our wellbeing we hand our power over to them. We believe we can only feel valued and loved if these people are granting us the right amount of approval and love.

The amount which makes up for the approval and love we are not granting ourself.

The bigger our internal emptiness, the more neediness we will carry, the higher our expectations are of ‘being filled’ by others, and the more energy we require from others in order to feel ‘whole’.

Our entire emotional state can become precariously poised on how another person is or isn’t behaving towards us.

Rather than have high expectations and demands, you may instead accept the blame, have very poor boundaries, and do whatever it takes to keep this person in your life and try and gain this person’s approval. If you are being abused you may find it almost impossible to let go and honour and approve of yourself.

The motto of the co-dependent is: You are responsible for my emotional wellbeing because I don’t know how to take care of my own.

What this means is your life is reliant upon what others are or aren’t doing. You are prone to enmeshment and unhealthy emotional dependencies. Rather than be able to take responsibility and manage and heal your own painful feelings you make someone else responsible for them.

When they don’t take responsibility for your inner emptiness and pain you feel victimised, resentful and powerless.

If you continue this painful path and do not develop a solid sense of self you will continue to draw others with similar emptiness and pain into your life.

People can only grant us ‘more of ourself’, which means the energy of our emptiness and need to gain love and approval from the outside stops people wanting to connect to us fully, and / or sets up a dynamic whereby we will tolerate abuse and mistreatment from the people who do want to connect.

As a result of our fears of abandonment and rejection we try to model ourselves by navigating everything which is ‘going on’ for another person. By doing this we lose essential power and truth within ourself.

We then experience more pain and fear, and end up co-creating in these painful dynamics our biggest fears – more abandonment and rejection.

Where did we go wrong?

The truth is: we started from a place of not knowing or being our own source of fulfilment.

By entering into enmeshed relationships of trading external energy (I want you to take away my emptiness, unworthiness and pain for me) we lose even more pieces of ourself.

Theses relationships do not enhance the participants – they strip energy away. The power struggle of trying to make another person responsible for the way we feel becomes more and more pronounced from both sides.

Healthy relationships share and grow energy from a place of self-fullness, joy and authenticity.

Unhealthy relationships take and strip energy through force, pain, helplessness and manipulation.

So today, finally we are going to say “No More” to co-dependency! Together we are going to commit this week on rewriting our script and shifting from co-dependency to independency.

I’m going to help you become a solid source to yourself!

Day 1 – Awareness Exercise

This exercise is powerful – and incredibly revealing.

When I first started working on my co-dependency issues I ticked virtually every point on this list. I was shocked at how co-dependent I was! I had always thought that because I was intelligent, capable and ‘confident’ that I couldn’t be!

Until this point, a few years ago, I thought co-dependents were ‘flimsy’ people. Often this is far from the truth, and the exact opposite applies. Like myself many intelligent and capable people can have high-levels of co-dependent behaviour.

I know that if you too approach this exercise with great self-honesty, humility, and self-openness you will gain huge insight into why your life has been painful, and why it isn’t working out for you the way you would dearly like it to.

The wonderful thing is that by understanding what we are doing that isn’t serving us we can do something to turn it all around!

So please embrace this exercise whole-heartedly. It will be worth it if you do!

Go through the following list and give an honest answer to the following questions. A ‘Yes’ is applicable even if there is one person or a certain time (even if infrequent) that you may have or do that relevant thought, feeling or action.

• Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
• Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
• Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
• Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
• Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
• Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
• When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
• Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
• Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
• Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
• Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
• Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
• Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
• Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
• Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
• Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
• Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
• Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
• Do you to try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
• Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
• Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
• Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

It’s very important (as always) not to judge yourself, and feel ‘bad’ that you are co-dependent. We were all programmed to be this way.

In fact co-dependency is the ‘normal’ human condition (hence why the normal human condition is so painful).

Without self-awareness it would be virtually impossible for you to not be co-dependent. We were all taught to look to the outside. And told it was selfish not to!

Was it usual to have role models who encouraged self-love and how to be a solid and whole emotional source to ourself?

I think we know the answer to that is a resounding NO!

The truth is breaking free from co-dependency (as you will learn) has nothing to do with self-absorption, it is to do with self-awareness, which is essential in order to accept, know and relate to yourself healthily and THEN to be able to accept, know and relate to other people in healthy and real  win / win ways.

In fact the most self-absorbed people have a very poorly defined sense of self. This is exactly the reason why they struggle to relate to other people in genuine, healthy or mutually beneficial ways.

Without self-awareness, and becoming a solid source to yourself, you are not bringing a healthy or real person as yourself to any interaction.

Working on releasing your co-dependency tendencies is not only the most loving thing you can do for yourself, it will also create a much healthier truth for everyone in your life, and a greater and deeper connection with every person you interact with.

It will create relationships based on ‘realness’.

It is very important to not judge your results if you have many of these points ticked. Be really glad that you can identify where you are acting out co-dependently, so that you will be able to focus on healing these interactions.

Embrace your answers with openness and fascination, self-love and the intention to heal and set yourself free.

Boy will your life change when you start releasing this stuff!

Day 2-4 Releasing Co-Dependency Exercise

This exercise is the essential next step.

It is one thing to know where you are playing out co-dependency, but it is only through understanding why you do what you do that you are going to be able to truly change your behaviour.

How can we change our behaviour? The only real answer is – change your beliefs.

How do we change our beliefs? By going to our original wounds which set up our painful beliefs and making what was once unconscious now conscious.

To do Exercise 2 please go back to the co-dependent checklist and feel into each point that you answered as ‘Yes’.

Now feel into which of these points hurts the most. Which of these points causes the most pain in your life? Go down your list and rate the pain from a 1 – 10.

1 meaning I barely feel any pain, 10 meaning I am in agony!

Now re-write your list from the most to least painful.

Now starting with the most painful of your co-dependent behaviours ask yourself “Why do I do this?” and really feel into the pain when you ask yourself this question – take yourself into the pain without fear or self-judgement.

Your infinite inner wisdom will start granting you the answers.

You may have childhood memories come up regarding how your parents responded to you, or how your parents behaved themselves. Maybe a painful relationship has caused you to create adapted behaviour that isn’t serving you now.

Write down everything that comes up for you.

A simplified example is this one….

I find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when I feel uncomfortable. In response to this point something like this may come up for you.

‘I can see in my imagination now my father yelling at me, and sometimes he hit me when I had an opinion that was different to his. I also remember being told I was stupid or selfish if I didn’t agree with what my parents told me to do. I was taught that my opinion was irrelevant and worthless.’

Now ask yourself “What is my fear in regard to why I behave like this?”

This part is very important. It helps you get in touch with your fears and defences as to why you are handing over your power and truth. Just by exposing and getting very real with yourself about these fears they will loosen their grip on you.

You response may be something like this.

‘I fear being punished. I fear the pain of being told I am stupid and selfish. I am scared of people rejecting me, abandoning me and hurting me if I speak up.’

Now that you have the awareness of what areas of your life are co-dependent, and the fears associated with why you have been co-dependent, it is time to rewrite your script and develop your new independent behaviour.

To assist you to develop your new independent reality (which will we will be covering in Exercise 3) please read the following the mantras.

Independency Mantras

1. I am my own source of validation

It is essential to understand no-one is going to grant you the approval that you need to grant to yourself. If you judge yourself harshly – others will also. This means rather than being your own worst enemy you need to become much friendlier to yourself. You need to speak to yourself in ways that are self-approving, encouraging and loving. Close intimates in your life can only ultimately see and experience you as you see and experience yourself.

2. It’s no one’s job to give me my fulfillment but my own

If you believe your life can only be fulfilling with a love partner (as an example) then you are waiting for someone else to grant you yourself – which is impossible and will only create enmeshment, external power seeking, and ultimately more disappointment and emptiness.

Your total mission is to create your life, feel joy in your life, look after yourself in the ways you would like to live, and provide yourself with fulfilment and happiness. It is no-one else’s job.

Then you will share yourself healthily and lovingly with others, rather than leaning on them or trying to make them dependent on you in order to try and gain unauthentic energy and fulfilment.

No-one else can make you happy –  you and they can only share happiness.

3. It’s not my responsibility to fix others

Breaking free of co-dependency is the understanding that everyone’s journey is their journey regardless of what it looks like. If we attempt to fix other people this is generally born from the fear that our life will not be comfortable, safe or healthy unless we change what this other person is or isn’t doing.

Trying to fix other people never works. If they are not willing to take responsibility for themself, by us trying to take responsibility for them all we do is set ourselves up to have their unhealed parts projected on to us.

Releasing co-dependency is about living the model of unconditional love to yourself and others. It means allowing others to be who they choose to be and loving ourselves enough to be the director and creator of our own life.

4. Don’t take things personally

Of course constructive and even accurate criticism can be helpful in our life. However there are times in our life when other people’s comments, expectations and assessments of us can feel uncomfortable and even abusive. It is very important to understand that other people’s opinions and actions are just a projection of their own reality. This reality does not need to be your reality unless you choose to accept it.

5. My needs are my number 1 priority

This may sound selfish. But if you examine it closer you will see that it is actually the opposite.

Think of this – in an aeroplane you are instructed that in times of emergency you must put your oxygen mask on first, and then assist others with their mask.

There is a very good reason for this…

You cannot influence others in a positive or solid way unless you are WELL yourself.

If you are not healthy and well within yourself then your capacity to connect to and help others diminishes. To be able to fully experience the joy of serving others you must always ensure your emotional and physical wellbeing is catered to first.

6. Be solid within myself rather than trying to work out what everyone else wants me to be

If your energy and focus is placed outside of yourself you will always be ascertaining other people and then adapting yourself into who you think they want you to be.

As soon as your power is away from your centre and focused on what others are or aren’t doing, and how they are or aren’t responding to you, you will be anxious. You have lost the essential connection to your own power centre and emotional mastery.

By analysing others you will only create an uncomfortable energy exchange where not only you, but others will feel uneasy, scrutinised, and start pulling away from you, or will not feel that they can connect to and trust you.

Stop doing this and simply focus on being the best, healthiest and most comfortable with yourself that you can be – then you and others will flow, relate and connect so much easier because your energy will be comfortable, authentic, solid, easy and attractive to be around.

7. The only thing I can control is myself

You are your centre of influence. The truth is you don’t have any control over anything outside of your own thoughts, emotions and behaviours. This means that everything you try to control other than yourself is ultimately uncontrollable.

When you have a problem in your life seek to control your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours and let go of anything outside of your control.

This will reduce a lot of frustration and wasted effort.

I suggest you print out these mantras, and have them somewhere where you can refer to them often. Make the intention to adopt these truths as a way of life, and you will know you really do deserve to break free of painful co-dependency tendencies and empower yourself.

You are not healing just for yourself. You are healing to influence life and others in much more fulfilling and healthier ways.

Day 5-7 Rewriting the Script Exercise

Now it is time to consciously formulate a new and more empowered way of living.

Establishing new habits isn’t always easy and that’s why the last exercise is dedicated to practically formulating how you are going to instill your new independent way of living.

Once you have a clear plan of how you are going to change, it will make it much easier for you to bring these changes into reality.

As with all things that force us outside of our comfort zone, it might be scary at first, but I know you can do it!

Once again you are going to refer the questions you answered ‘Yes’ to in Question 1.

Refer to the independency mantras above and for each point you answered ‘Yes’ I want you to write in detail how you are going to emotionally and practically turn it around for yourself and begin acting from your own solid sense of self.

Write at least half a page for each question you answered ‘Yes’.

Example: I often say ‘yes’ even when I really want to say ‘no.’

‘When asked to do something for someone I will check in with myself, listen to my emotions and my level of comfort. I know there is no value in assisting others to the detriment of myself.

If I do have the time and resources to assist and the request is reasonable I will assist. My emotional navigation will allow me to know if this is the case.

If my emotional inner truth feels ‘wrong’ I know I will be depleting myself to say ‘Yes’ and / or if I did my motives are actually about earning approval from this person and self-sacrificing myself in order to do this.

I also know that if I say ‘Yes’ whilst feeling umbrage I set up unhealthy energy exchanges where I will feel let down if this person does not put themselves out for me in the future or does not reciprocate my self-sacrificial behaviour.

As such I am going to begin honouring myself, and my resources, and no longer engage in self-sacrificing behaviour in order to try to win love and approval.

I now know I am becoming my own source of approval, and I am no longer going to sabotage my own solidness with myself by approval seeking and going against my truth. If this person does not approve of me because I have not said ‘Yes’ that is fine, I am more than enough for myself.

I will be direct, not justify and will not make excuses for my answer. I will be calm and clear, without feeling guilty. If another time could work better for me I can say “I would love to help, but I have other commitments now, can I help another time?” If I simply am not comfortable with the request I will say “No, I really am not comfortable with that.”

By being a solid sense of self I know that people will honour my honesty and my boundary – and if they don’t then these are not the people I wish to have in my life. If people do not respect my boundary – I will still say “No” and chose to honour myself. I don’t have to make them agree, or ‘get’ me. It is important that I ‘get’ myself.’

Week 2 Progress Questions

I truly hope that you have enjoyed these exercises and received benefit from them.

I know this is a lot of work on self, and this will take up time and effort – but please know if we don’t go within we will go without…

How much time do we waste in life going around and around in the same painful circles. Years? Decades? Lifetimes? This is why work on yourself is such an incredible and worthwhile investment, and worth donating much time and effort to – absolutely.

The payoff is freedom, happiness, fulfilment, real love and all the good stuff!

After you have completed this week’s exercises please post your progress questions below to be eligible for the draw to win my brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course.

Exercise One:

Okay let’s be honest! How many points out of 22 did you answer ‘Yes’ to? After performing this exercise have your realised how co-dependency has been a big issue in your life? What was the biggest co-dependent area for you personally?

Exercise Two:

When you tapped into your co-dependent areas (the times when you aren’t in your emotional truth or personal power) did you discover the reasons why you aren’t? What realisations has this granted you? How do you feel about this now?

Exercise Three:

How did you feel about reframing these times when you know you aren’t being authentic? Do you feel like you can apply yourself to changing these co-dependent patterns? Can you feel the difference this will make to outcomes in your life?

The responses for last’s weeks installment were fantastic! I am overjoyed by how many of you are committing to yourself and taking action in your personal growth.

Keep it up! Continue to dig deep, heal, create and claim the True You!

I’m so incredibly proud of you all!