Codependency is a state of being that we have all been conditioned to live by.

Unfortunately, from birth, we are taught that happiness comes from something outside of ourselves and that to find it, we must first obtain something external to ourselves. This could be a love partner, a group of friends, or possessions such as a new house or car.

We use these things to define our sense of self-worth. The problem is that over many years, the conditioning of codependency has become a part of you, and it can be difficult to break when you first choose to shift to independence, or as I like to call it, True Self.

You can only make this shift if you commit to yourself and keep going even when you don’t get immediate results.

Are you Happy with Yourself?

It’s great if you are, but I can relate if you’re not.

You see, I used to be someone who didn’t know what it was like to be happy with myself. When I was this person, I used to think that happiness was something that I could only obtain from people and things outside of me.

This meant I needed other things and people to validate me.

I had to accomplish something, fall in love with someone, or receive validation to know I was worthy, capable, lovable, and good enough.

If anyone had asked me, “Are you pleased with yourself?” I would have had to answer, “No!”

Sadly, in the lonely hours of my life, when I was just with myself, I felt empty and unfulfilled without these props. I now know the reasons why I wasn’t happy.

The reasons were:

• I had never made peace with myself – I hadn’t forgiven myself for the things I assessed as ‘wrong’,
  ‘mistakes,’ and ‘missed opportunities, and as a result, I had many regrets.
• I hadn’t got love right, which made me feel defective and unlovable.
• I was holding on to past hurts and resentment, and
• I was still carrying the pain of my past and feared my future.

In short, all these reasons stopped me from being happy in my present life.

When I committed to my Journey of Self, namely my personal development, I could clear all that up and break free.

The Void

When I looked to the outside to somehow fix how I was feeling on the inside, it created spasmodic results, but none authentically held. There was always an empty void within myself, which could not be filled no matter what I did.

When I had enough pain, I finally started doing the essential work on myself.

Fortunately, I did.

The Excuses

Before then, I was so entrenched in my stubbornness and busyness that I was too afraid to commit to taking the necessary steps to create the desired outcomes. I was also so impatient for results that I would start investing in my self-development, but when I didn’t see the changes I wanted in my inner and outer world quickly enough, I would give up and think it was all a waste of time.

I’d then return to my old patterns (which weren’t serving me) and feel even more frustrated by the pain that had become my life.

A life-and-death experience completely changed my perspective. I knew that if I didn’t commit to myself and make changes, I wouldn’t survive. So, I consciously prioritized my well-being and started making positive changes.

I reached a point where I knew that if I kept going down the same path of neglecting my own needs, I would eventually die. It was a make-or-break moment, and I knew I had to make a change.

The solution was, irrefutably, to work on me.

The Results

As I decided to confront my unhealed parts, I was astounded at how natural and normal it felt. Instead of the fear and horror I had imagined, I was filled with profound comfort and relief. I was coming home to myself, and the powerful emotions of joy, contentment, and Love filled my being. Finally, I was empowered and connected to my true self.

Resistance is Common

I totally get why you might feel hesitant to make a commitment to yourself, just like Juliette – who I recently interviewed on my radio show – said in the beginning: “I have no clue how to work on myself; it’s scary to think about, I don’t know how to go about it, and I’m not sure if it’ll even work or if I deserve it!” (Those are some pretty hefty resistances!)

After years of struggling, she felt it was enough. She had reached a point where she could barely function and felt suicidal and broken. She knew she didn’t want to keep living this way, so she decided to take back control of my life.

So she started to do something about it.

You may know you’re unhappy and still can function the way you are, or you may feel like you have pain and barely exist.

Regardless of where you are on the spectrum of ‘unhappiness,’ if you are unhappy with yourself, then your ‘way home’ is to go within, partner with yourself to clean up your pain, and learn how to love and support yourself.

I have compiled a quick questionnaire that I would love you to participate in regarding Doing Healing Work On Myself.

This survey will provide valuable insights into how you can evolve into your ideal self and where you currently stand regarding your self-partnership. By answering these questions, you can better understand your current state and how to move forward to become your most authentic self.

Are you ready to take a brave step forward and explore this topic more deeply? If so, why not print off these questions, write down your answers, and share them here? (grin) I’m sure others would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives!

Do you Commit to Working on Yourself?

1) I am totally committed to working on myself and applying personal development in my life:

a) Regularly – as a lifestyle every day
b) Once a week or more
c) Only occasionally
d) Very rarely
e) Never

2) The times when I commit to working on myself are:

a) As a lifestyle, I love to grow and become more conscious and empowered
b) When I feel myself slipping and know I need to work on myself
c) Occasionally, for no particular reason
d) When other people suggest I attend a self-development event
e) Never

3) I feel totally comfortable spending time with myself reading, journaling, and doing healing visualizations

a) Yes, I love time alone committed to being with me
b) Sometimes, I like to take time out to heal myself
c) Occasionally, I will do it, but I usually have to force myself to do so
d) I am much more comfortable with someone else granting me information or healing me than working on myself
e) I don’t grant myself inner attention

4) The reasons why I do or don’t commit to spending time healing myself are:

a) I love gaining awareness, answers, and understanding, supporting and giving to myself on a deep level, thus empowering my life
b) I am terrified about having to face what could be wrong with me
c) I don’t like my own company
d) I’m too busy looking after everyone else to look after me
e) I don’t have time for my own dedication because of my work/life commitments
f) I believe I am beyond hope, and it won’t work
g) I want someone else to give me love and support, and then I might believe I deserve to grant myself license and attention
h) I have no idea how to

I’m not here to give you specific answers to your questions. This questionnaire is designed to help you find the answers within yourself—because that is what self-actualization is all about!

If you would like to, please share your answers or any questions about committing to your personal development journey.

Conclusion

Doing the healing work on ourselves is essential to breaking free from the codependency and narcissistic abuse cycle. It may be daunting to take that first step, but it is the only way to begin the journey to true self-love and empowerment.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) offers a comprehensive healing approach to help individuals overcome codependency and narcissistic abuse. Through education, self-reflection, and guided support, the NARP can help you start living a life of true freedom and joy.

Take the first step today and start your journey to self-love and freedom.

Until the next one, keep smiling, Keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

Lots of love, everybody.

Bye-bye.

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It is a lovely trait to be aware of others, and compassionate and attentive to other people’s needs. However there is a fine line between being aware of your environment and being totally engulfed by your environment.

Unfortunately if you are a sensitive person who is highly attuned to the needs of others, it is likely that you are tuning in to ‘the outside’ rather than navigating your life from ‘the inside’. As a result you are being pulled out of your Source of Self, and losing your true creative power in other people’s energy.

I’ll give you an example of how this can happen…

When I think about how you receive me, I lose myself

Imagine if you were to do a presentation in front of a group of people. Imagine walking to the front of room, assessing the energy and feeling into the people in the room. Let’s say a few people in the room seem bored, like they would rather be anywhere else but at this presentation.

If you take on this energy, and make your presentation about this, you’ll start becoming anxious, and you will start spinning stories in your mind that will relate to anxieties (false belief systems) which you have created about yourself and life previous to this experience.

These may be:

• People aren’t interested in what I have to say
• People don’t take notice of me
• I am not articulate enough for people to ‘get me’
• People might persecute, ridicule and judge me
• I’m not good enough to make this work

…and of course any host of beliefs which are draining your energy out, and making you fearful of being yourself.

Now the pressure is on…and you’re trying to address this pressure from a position of not being in your own personal power.

You have now become the energy of: I have to be what other people want me to be (compelling enough to overcome their boredom) if I am to have success and fulfilment in this situation.

In this state you are not being yourself. And when we are not being ourself, we are not flowing, not powerful and not at ease. We are coming from the belief of feeling limited and small, and we are coming from the belief “My authentic self may not be acceptable, so I have to transform ME into a version that is”.
Stop Reading Other People’s Energy

There is only one True Way to be yourself, and that is to get out of reading other people’s energy and realise a powerful Energetic Truth which is: In your Creation of Energy and Your Entire Experience there is only YOU!

There is only one place to focus on and that is: Being Your Authentic Self.

Other people in your experience are always responding to Your Energy without exception.

In the above example your energy is fearful and reacting to the perceived disinterest of your audience.

Now imagine if you never went there into the analysis of other’s people energy in this situation. Imagine if you were full and content in your own energy, and in the joy of being your Authentic Self and in the passion of your delivery.

Imagine if you were being the True You and had no focus whatsoever on the possibility of anyone judging you, scrutinising you or assessing you….

(In energetic truth THEY AREN’T, and they only will if YOU are doing this to YOURSELF….)

What do you think the response would be from this energetic space? Can you feel that no matter how bored someone was when they entered the room, that your Pure and True Energy would captivate them? Can you know that your passion, conviction and genuine delivery would attract more of that…

You’re totally right it would!

Not only is being your Authentic Self advantageous in such a setting, it is powerfully beneficial in every area of your life!

Too many people believe that if they disconnect from people’s energy, and stop reading it, that they will become uncaring and uncompassionate…

I promise you this is baloney!

When you become self-aware of your own energy, you become less co-dependent (which is never healthy for anyone) less interfering, and you understand the golden rule of assisting others, which is:

Offer if you feel the need, but don’t step in and take responsibility for others who are not taking responsibility for themselves.

Additionally, stop trying to sort out people’s moods so that you can feel better about yourself.

Additionally, realise that if people have an issue with you, it is their responsibility to express that and speak up.

Until they do, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to take on their stuff, make it about you and lose your aligned vibration.

Being In Your Own Energy Gives People MORE…not Less…

Would you become an inconsiderate, awful and selfish person when you are feeling at one, blissful and fulfilled, and at one with life (the by-product of feeling self-fulfilled)?

No you won’t! You will be feeling so good that you will share yourself with others in healthy ways, you will inspire others and you will touch others with your wisdom.

You will call them up into your empowered and healthy vibration.

No longer will you keep throwing a fish to someone every day, and keep them dependent on you and you on them. You will throw them a fishing food and inspire them to create for themselves.

Please understand that the highest level of love is allowing and encouraging others to not need you, and the highest level of love to yourself is not needing anyone else’s vibration to be a particular way for you to be true to yourself.

This is how to love yourself and others authentically…

I hope this newsletter helps you understand how to stop getting enmeshed in other people’s energy and be true to your own.

When you commit to your vibration, you serve all of life in win / win ways. Why? Because everything and everyone in your experience is connected to you.

This stands to reason if fear is all you’ve know…

You may believe:

• Life is a struggle
• I have to fight for what I want
• Nothing good comes easily and
• When things go right, they are followed sooner or later by something going wrong.

All of these beliefs (and more) may have become our living reality – and of course they have been our experience…so therefore why would we choose to think any differently?

The answer is: Because living with these belief systems does not create pleasant experiences.

In fact, because we are caught up in fight and flee and survival, this seriously detracts from the energy, time and resources to align with and create What We Really Want.

When We Have Had Enough of the Pain

So, inevitably in our process of evolution and self-development, we get to the point where we have had enough. We decide that no longer do we want to live with belief systems that keep co-creating pain and struggle. We want to transcend these negative beliefs to create a new reality.

This is generally the time where we take responsibility and realise that our beliefs are drawing in and maintaining situations and individuals in our life that reflect these painful beliefs. And in fact, when we take full responsibility we realise that even our childhoods were in perfect and divine order because they granted us the perfect conditions to learn how to love, honour and empower ourselves, become the True Creators that we are (from the inside out), and graduate to a higher level of evolution.

This does not dismiss what went on at all…it is about applying the consciousness to take control of our life and create a better way for ourselves. When we do this we stop feeling victimised and we can accept the gift that our journey has brought us, which was: everything that we needed to heal.

Applying the responsibility: I have no power to change anything other than myself puts us in the driver’s seat – finally…

We can certainly challenge our fears, ego, victim feelings and powerless, stuck resentments and painful notions, and we do have the power within, to release all of that, and align with realities that we would much rather prefer.

The Difficulty of Letting Go of the Pain

Many people engage in an empowerment journey, and start experiencing results, yet may find they can’t quite breakthrough to true freedom of new preferred beliefs. Often this is because the ego (survival and defence mechanisms) is in fear of letting go of the pain.

It is very helpful to understand the difference between False Self and True Self.

Our egoic (fearful / false) self loves doing things the hard way. It is our pain body that is self-condemning and addicted to pain. It will unconsciously seek out pain, blame the pain on outside circumstances, miss the point and keep rolling around in the agony whilst only creating and sustaining more pain.

An example is: unconsciously seeking out a love relationship that reflects the inner beliefs “I don’t forgive, love or accept myself”, experiencing the mirror of the inner abuse, hold the ‘mirror’ (love partner) accountable and think it’s powerless to have a great experience unless that outer person changes.

The egoic self is known as a False Self for very good reasons:

1)Its tactics don’t work in regard to who we really want to be and what we really want to experience in life.

2)It is aligned with (focused on) what we don’t want, rather than what we do want.

3) It is resentful and dismayed by its feelings of powerlessness and wants other people and outside situations to fix this for it.

When our False Self is at the fore, we feel tormented, confused, resentful, and that we can’t let go of ‘what happened to us’. We point the finger at situations and people and hold them accountable for our unhappy and painful reality.

The True Self in stark comparison applies consciousness. It knows there is ‘no outer’, and that people and situations are merely and magnificently reflecting back the inner state which grants evidence as to where our level of self-love, self-acceptance and healthy beliefs are or aren’t operating.

The True Self knows that the focus on acceptance (to the outer) and dedication (to the inner) is the only solution to peace, solidness within, and choosing and creating a great life.

True Healing occurs when we shift away from False Self powerlessness into True Self empowerment on any particular issue that we may struggle with in life.

Death of The Ego

When we try to let go of fear, turmoil, struggles and false beliefs the Ego panics because it knows it’s on the way out…

It has many ways of trying to hang on, and through our minds (the platform and stage of the ego) we will have many thoughts such as:

You may believe:

• Challenges and hard work keep me productive
• If things weren’t tough I may not grow, and I may become lazy
• Of course I feel pain – he or she did this to me (whatever judgement that is…)
  
• How can people be or do that? (whatever judgement that is….)
• My life is the way it is because of what he or she did (whatever judgement that is…)

In this state, struggles and painful emotions have become an identity, and unconsciously we have chosen to gain significance from our pain, and we are literally addicted to the pain.

Who Are You REALLY?

Who you are REALLY is a True Self. Your desires (what you want) are your Truth, (your soul does not get it wrong) and the Aligned You that flows forward into your self-love, self-deservedness, self- knowing is your True Self.

Your True Self is your most natural state of being – it is where you are At One With Life and At One With Yourself (in energetic reality there is no difference, they are the same thing – and in fact you only have to be At One with one of these two to automatically be at One with the other).

Therefore this is Who and What you have to look forward to. If you have the ability to have empathy, compassion and you have a conscience, then your True Self is waiting for you patiently to clear out the garbage that is spoiling this flow.

The Ego will try and convince you that without Pain you are Nothing…and there is Nothing…and worse still that without the pain you will be vulnerable, ripped apart and annihilated…

All of these things are total fallacy, these are all False Belief Systems. When you clear the pain, you become your True Self, because that is Who You Are, Who You Will Always Be, and Who You Have Ever Been…it is the Real You.

The more and more you come home to Self the more you will vibrate, feel and know what is your Truth, and you will easily avoid and no longer participate with what isn’t, and you will know that every ‘disadvantageous’ and ‘painful’ situation is a Gift allowing you to know you need to shift your understanding of this situation to a True Self Level.

All of it is giving you the Golden Opportunity to Be Aligned.

Without the pain life works, and it literally flows effortlessly. What You Want becomes you reality and What You Don’t Want falls away from your experience – because you are no longer a vibrational match for it…

I hope this inspires you to make it your grandest mission to transcend the pain!