But to most of you, this may seem very difficult.

You might believe that putting yourself first is selfish or feels wrong in some way.

You might even be confused about what self-love is!

No doubt, throughout your narcissistic relationship, you experienced many times when your needs were neglected and seen as unimportant.

To make matters worse, the narcissist’s efforts to continually derail you, using any available or fabricated ammunition against you and projecting his or her behavior onto you (making it all out to be your fault), will have succeeded in smashing your self-esteem to pieces.

You want to get better and heal after this tragic event in your life, but when faced with the task of providing yourself with unconditional love and encouragement, it might seem like climbing Mount Everest would be easier.

You might have been doing the exact opposite for so long. You may have a history of putting everyone else’s needs before yourself. And most certainly, your relationship with the narcissist has been all about him or her rather than you. It is usual that due to the narcissist blaming you and because your emotions have felt so tormented, you have become critical of yourself rather than supportive.

I want you to know that this difficulty was normal (and was certainly experienced by me) before I started making an effort to give myself the love and encouragement that I needed to recover.

When you first change your behavior, it can feel unnatural, but if you commit, you can drastically alter your life in ways you couldn’t imagine.

Today, I want to help you start moving forward in your recovery by showing you how to provide genuine love and support. This is achieved by moving forward into acceptance and taking responsibility for what you have been through.

There are two types of healing I consistently see about narcissistic abuse – and they are truly polar opposites – one being non-healing, where the ability to thrive, let alone basically recover, is stunted, and true-healing, whereby the individual thrives and creates a much more empowered self as a result of being narcissistically abused.

The difference comes down to this:

Growing through the experience, or

just trying to go through the experience.

So, how do we grow through the experience?

We grow by using our narcissistic experience to heal and change our lives for the better.

This has to be done by (after initially discovering what ‘narcissism’ is) getting our focus off the narcissist and firmly on ourselves so that we can heal our pain, fear, and insecurities.

This is very hard to do if we choose to stay in pain. This occurs if we are not committed to healing and changing ourselves.

If we don’t commit to healing ourselves, we will resist getting better—and we will not even be at first base in regard to getting well.

We stay separated from ourselves.

Shifting Through Resentment and into Acceptance

As soon as we start judging ourselves in relation to how bad our lives have ended up, the emotional pain becomes unbearable.

Statements such as:

How could I have stayed so long?

How could I have been tricked so easily?

I’m so stupid!

I have wasted (however many) years of my life.

My life has become everything terrible that I never imagined it would become.

We may try and reduce the emotional pain by shifting the blame onto something outside of ourselves (usually the narcissist), which, of course, renders us more powerless…

We start recovering when we understand why and how we can accept what happened to us without judgment.

This means we need to face, embrace, and support our unhealed parts without pain or self-judgment. It is about accepting and embracing them unconditionally with self-acceptance.

You are your most powerful force. You are the key person who can heal, love, support yourself, and create change. Everything you need is within you.

I now understand this so well. It was fundamental to my healing and has been to many other people’s recovery.

Healing starts with taking responsibility.

Yes, he or she is a narcissist who is impossible to have a healthy relationship with – BUT if you make this healing journey about you and healing the unhealed parts that created you as susceptible to narcissist abuse, you will create a healing experience that genuinely defies one you believed was possible.

I often find that the people who are stuck in non-recovery are not just blaming the narcissist; they are also deeply ashamed of themselves for being ‘so stupid,’ ‘wasting my life,’ ‘losing everything I put in’ ‘trusting this person only to get destroyed, discarded, etc., etc.’  and the list goes on and on.

Please know I understand these normal human painful emotions, and all the way up until my breakdown, I was doing all of these things myself.

When I ask people the question, “Were you ‘full and happy before they met the narcissist?” the question means within yourself, within your own soul.…because you may need to accept (to get well) that the system of life is ‘energetic’ it is not ‘practical.’

Many of us were ‘independent’ and even ‘successful’. In fact, many, many people who were narc abused are very capable and independent people, yet not emotionally ‘whole’.

It is also common for people to meet narcs after years of being single. But again, it comes back to ‘Was I whole?’, and ‘Did I have beliefs about myself and life that allowed me to be whole?” or ‘Do I even know what being whole is?’

Taking on the shame and blame is a choice – and is a long way from ‘I accept I have unhealed parts, and this is why I was in a narcissistic relationship, and NOW I CAN accept and heal them’.

Shame and blame only come when we can’t accept this about ourselves and make our recovery all about ourselves.

When we let go of the focus on shame and blame and move forward into the proactive energy of creating what we do want instead of staying stuck in what we don’t want, everything changes.

The Two Vital Questions You Must Ask Yourself

If you are having difficulty shifting into acceptance and moving forward in your recovery, ask yourself these questions:

“Why would I keep hanging on to resentment when it is only going to bring me more emotional pain and more of the behaviors of love partners and people that I resent?” and

“Why did I attract and sustain a relationship with a narcissist?”

When we are ready to honestly confront and take responsibility (not make it about anyone else but ourselves) for these questions from a true soul level, we are in a position to start getting well.

If you cannot embrace and honestly start working with these questions, you are stuck in your ego. This is perfectly understandable when you have been hurt and are still in pain and fear.

Your ego wants justice, revenge, and accountability—and the ego needs to be ‘right’ and make someone else ‘wrong’. Even if you got ‘justice’ (and you won’t if trying to force justice and accountability from a space of pain), your ego would get a feed momentarily, and then you would STILL be feeling terrible after it wore off.

Nothing we achieve through our ego holds, feels durably good, or is sustainable – ever!

We can let our ego kick, scream, and condemn for as long as we like—and the result will be the same—we keep hitting brick walls and experiencing pain until we FINALLY accept that true healing is all about dissolving our ego, realizing it is our internal enemy. Blame and shame are all products of our egos that take us away from our liberation and not toward it.

Self Accountability

Why do we need self-accountability? We need it to become conscious and to grow. Without it, we believe ‘it’s everyone else’s fault and problem’ and don’t change ourselves.

Self-accountability is not about accepting ‘blame’—it is about making the decision to heal, grow, and become better as a result of the pain.

It is the model of knowing:

‘I realize and embrace that there are parts of me that contributed to being susceptible and powerless to narcissistic abuse.’ By accepting this, I can focus on healing these unhealed parts. Doing so can create true change and solutions in my life.

Recognizing Your Unhealed Parts

Even before you can begin recovery, you need to be aligned with proper recovery, and this is realizing that pain, blame, and shame are not aligned with getting well.

Recently, on the NARC Facebook Group, I showed an example of recognizing the unhealed parts that allowed my abuse to take place.

I started with my own list of reasons as to why I got hooked on a narcissistic relationship.

These reasons were integral parts of my personality, which existed before my narcissistic relationship:

• I was not whole or happy with myself
• I always needed some accomplishment or someone ‘loving me’ to feel okay about myself
• I was unresolved over previous relationships and had not accepted or healed the unhealed parts that showed up within these painful relationships.
• I had never learned to love and accept myself unconditionally ‘just for being me.’
• I believed I was only lovable for what I could produce
• I was never able to just ‘be’ without being obsessive/compulsive and thinking about ‘what I should be doing.’
• I found it very hard to treat myself nicely, nurture or value myself
• I was my own worst critic rather than knowing how to speak to myself lovingly and supportively
• I could not accept compliments easily and believe I deserved them
• I could not let people into my life without fearing they had agendas or would control me
• I was suspicious of other people, and I didn’t know if I could trust myself to honor me, lay boundaries, and walk away rather than rely on someone else to ‘love me.’

The list goes on and on, and the truth is that I could write 10 pages.

The truth is I was NOT real with myself (unconditional love and support), and I gravitated into a relationship with ANOTHER false person!

I have no shame in admitting these things, and I have incredible relief in doing so.

I am still imperfect, but my life now is about taking responsibility instead of blaming life and others for what I choose and create. Now, I can and do heal these aspects of myself instead of careering into more pain, blame, and shame with no way out.

And that is the difference now.

The Magical 55 Points of Self-Accountability and Healing

An incredible thing then happened on the NARC Page, as another member deeply fell into herself and came up with a list of 55 points as to what she recognized about herself (her belief systems) that had led her into a very painful narcissistic marriage.

These were magical.                                                                                  

They described so many of the reasons why we get narcissistically abused.

I related to so many of these points.

What was totally consistent was that many people in the group who were having big and powerful healing breakthroughs (working NARP) also did and posted as such.

These 55 points were:

1. The more I do for people, the more people will love/like, and accept me
2. If I do what people want, they will love me
3. People won’t love me for being me
4. If I disagree with people and what they say, they will not like me
5. My happiness depends on what other people are or are not doing
6. I am obsessive about other people’s bad behavior and let it control and dictate my life and how I feel. I need them to recognize their behavior and admit to it for me to feel OK
7. If I am right and they are wrong, I need to know people ‘get this’ for me to feel OK and move on
8. I sometimes let people take control because that means I don’t have to make decisions in fear of failure, and that makes me feel safe
9. People have hidden agendas, and if they say something nice, it’s because they want something from me
10. If people do something for me, they want something in return
11. I find it hard to treat and nurture myself because I do not deserve it, and people will view me as being selfish and leave
12. The less I ask for, the more I will get
13. If I voice my needs, people will leave me, and that is not OK
14. Just being me is not enough. I must be more by what everyone else deems enough
15. I did not lay clear boundaries and allowed people to walk all over me and convince me my boundaries were wrong, needy, over the top, and unacceptable
16. I am easily swayed by what other people feel is acceptable or not and do not honor my own feelings and beliefs and speak my truth
17. I must achieve other people’s standards to be accepted and be deemed acceptable
18. I alone am not enough
19. I must achieve stuff to succeed and feel whole, confident, at peace, and OK and to be accepted
20. I do/did not love myself unconditionally
21. I did not back myself and needed other people to have my back to feel ok and safe
22. I do/did not trust myself and my gut instincts
23. I was too scared to leave in fear of failure and stayed to prove my worthiness. And needed others to love me, recognize this, and acknowledge this for me to feel this
24. I am not enough, so I must prove this to people at all costs, even if it means going against what and who I really am, and as a result, I lose myself
25. I felt/feel worthless and need people to remind me of my worthiness to feel it myself
26. If I don’t have control, I will lose control
27. I was petrified of being abandoned and being replaced, so I stayed to avoid this
28. I stayed regardless of everything I knew was wrong in fear of someone else replacing me and being better than me
29. If I dismissed what I really felt and allowed him the freedom he wanted, he would want me more, and things would be OK
30. I constantly forgave people for unforgivable behavior and allowed myself to be abused over and over again
31. I did not have enough self-respect for myself and needed this from the outside to feel respected
32. I need to feel needed to feel worthy and ok
33. I get jealous/territorial/competitive/unsure of myself regarding some of the relationships other people have with other people in fear of them liking them better and abandoning me. This would mean I am not enough
34. I do not have self-confidence unless I feel amazing, look amazing, and everything is going well in my life
35. I easily lose self-confidence and become very jealous of other people and or what they have instead of knowing, loving, and being content with who I am and what I have
36. People’s opinions of me rule and dictate my life and how I feel
37. I wasted a lot of time trying to please everyone else to feel pleased within and about myself
38. I forfeited my dreams and goals, thinking that someone else could provide them for me and that they would be better
39. I have never really known what I want to do in my life and have relied/hoped that someone else could fill this hole for me
40. I am scared of failure and not being good enough and have made excuses and waited for the outside world to fix this for me because I am scared of failure and making the wrong mistake again
41. I need other people to agree with me for me to agree with me – trust myself unconditionally and feel ok
42. I constantly overanalyze thoughts and situations, make excuses for others’ behavior, and second-guess myself
43. I am far too hard on myself and am my own worst critic
44. I allowed someone to control me, my thoughts, values, and beliefs, and as a result, I lost myself
45. I don’t think I have ever been authentic. I must be the person people want me to be to be loved and accepted
46. I was obsessive about being accepted as an equal by both the outside world and with my ex-narc to feel accepted, equal, and good enough for him
47. I have relied on other people’s point of view to trust my own
48. I must prove myself and my self-worth to feel self-worth
49. I need to prove myself and am obsessive/compulsive about it
50. I allowed myself to be treated continuously in unacceptable ways because I did not lay firm enough boundaries, follow through, and have the guts to walk away and feel whole on my own
51. The kinder I am, the kinder people will be to me
52. If I did so much and was so much, I would never be replaced and abandoned
53. Being replaceable and abandoned and someone else being better, prettier, more intelligent, ‘more this more that’ petrifies me and has always been a huge issue in my life, and I fight it at all costs
54. I don’t love myself, I am not enough, and I need someone to remind me of this, accomplish stuff, have stuff, do stuff to feel good about myself and be accepted by other people
55. I was not enough for my husband, and someone else was

Unconditionally Loving and Accepting Yourself

On the same day, another member posted in the NARC Group about’ What is loving myself?’ and ‘I have no frame of reference to do this.’

My response to her was:

“Self-love is acknowledging our inner dysfunctions and what has not worked for us.

The 55 points are a magnificent list, allowing us to embrace and realize so much. THEN we look at this wounded, hurt part of ourselves as our inner child and say to this part of ourselves, ‘You precious, darling, lovable soul, I adore you with all of my heart, and because I love you so much, I am going to do everything in my power to help you, heal you, support you, and help you get better’.

That is what loving ourselves is.

It is a dedication, a devotion, a commitment, and then we immediately are ‘self-love’, and we get to create more and more and more of it.

And THEN we get to attract the REAL deal from life—as an inevitable match of who we are to ourselves.

Our inner child has been screaming out in pain for help, devotion, and love and was unfortunately trying to get that from ‘outside of us’ because we didn’t go to her ourselves. She could never get this from ‘the outside.’ It HAD TO come from us – and that is why, until now, she was not getting better.

This is why it is ALWAYS about healing the self with unconditional love and focus. There is nothing else to change or fix! “

The member answered with another post, amazed at how ‘simple’ the concept of ‘loving herself’ was.

My next response was:

“It is incredible how the ‘truth’ is always so simple. Our egos, our minds, and the human condition have caused us to complicate everything to the extreme! That is great news that you understand and can commit to the simple, true formula now! Now you are on your way ‘home’ – absolutely. All you need to do is ‘do’ this, the ‘being’ of loving you.”

I would love you to join in on the self-accountability exercise by listing the reasons why you got hooked on a narcissistic relationship. You can use your own examples or ones from the magical 55-point list. If you would like, please share your answers in the comments below. However, if you would like to keep it private, just write the list for yourself.

This exercise will allow you to recognize your unhealed parts that require healing to start accepting, embracing, and healing them unconditionally.

Once you recognize your insecure, broken parts and step up with love, you become the loving, supportive, healing source to yourself you may have never been before this point.

This is the key to change your life – forever. This is the absolute formula to come out of narcissistic abuse and finally love yourself without exception.

“Something feels wrong, and someone has to be responsible for this wrong feeling.”

We then quickly move into blaming.

Please understand that by ‘blaming’ I mean believing:

“I am in this circumstance because of what someone else did. What they did was wrong/immoral/etc.”

Please know I am not saying these feelings are abnormal or even that they are ‘wrong’.

I am merely observing, and trying to create an understanding, or what does and does not work in relation to recovery from pain and abuse or any form of self-improvement.

Of course we may blame someone else, or we blame our self for what went wrong.

If we are of ‘tougher stuff’ we may tend to blame others, and if we are prone to taking on guilt and responsibility, we may tend to blame our self.

I promise you blaming others was how I used to operate – that was until I discovered and realised certain facts of Energetic Law – which snapped me out of the illusion that blaming others would get me anywhere.

Most people who blame others (just as I previously didn’t), don’t realise that the feeling of ‘blame’ they are hanging on to is actually affecting and disempowering them.

You see when you ‘blame’ someone else, you overlook the potential lessons to be learned for yourself. You are waiting for someone else to change before your circumstance can improve.

Not only that, but your emotional Inner Identity actually knows no difference between you blaming yourself or others.

This is the fascinating thing about Energetic Law and how it relates to you personally, is that it is all connected, it is not logical and it is not conditional….

I’m going to prove this theory to you physically today via a muscle testing exercise.

The Human Condition of ‘Blaming’

We may think blaming grants us relief – but truly it cuts us off from healing and making progress in our life.

Of course it is normal response to blame – and that can be automatic – but in is stage we need to understand how and why it is not helping us in getting well, and why we need to move past it as soon as we can.

Blaming keeps you stuck in resistance, it separates you for your awareness, the gift, and your personal graduation and healing – which only occurs authentically when you know and apply: “There is a reason for this happening, and once I heal I get to move up to a level in my life where I don’t need this painful message again.”

When We Blame our Self

Let’s get very clear, blaming – whichever way you are doing it – does not serve you.

I really do want to make you aware the statement “I am at fault, or I refuse to be at fault”, and thinking that what has happened to you has anything to do with ‘blame and shame’ is a far cry from taking personal responsibility.

Taking person responsibility is about embracing the thinking “I know there were parts of me that needed to heal, and everything happens for a reason. By taking personal responsibility I can grow, I can learn and I can become empowered so that I never have to go through this pain again.”

Can you see the startling difference?

The blame game keeps you stuck in pain, and resistance to growth without the ability to move forward.

Taking personal responsibility immediately allows you to feel better, because you start flowing into the healing of yourself, and the results speak for themselves when you start creating and choosing a healthier and happier life.

How Your Energy Creates Your Personal Power

If you live your life logically and intellectually, it is going to be a struggle to automatically accept this information.

However, and if you have been aware of Energetic Law for some time, this article will take you to a deeper level of understanding of how to powerfully and truly create your life.

The purpose of this article is so you can demonstrate with yourself how Energetic Law and your thoughts / feelings are directly affecting your personal power.

The way to understand deeply what is really going with you can be achieved by the process of muscle testing, and the directions on how to do this are coming right up!

The Two Ways to Muscle Test

Muscle Test One (with yourself)

With your dominant hand hold your thumb and middle or index finger together (whatever feels like it will make a strong connection), and make the pressure firm.

Now, with your non dominant hand put your thumb though the ‘circle’ you have made with your dominant hand and then join your thumb up with the index finger on your non-dominant hand.

You should now have a figure 8, with your non-dominant hand thumb and index finger inside your dominant hand thumb and index (or middle) finger.

Now I want you to say to yourself this statement

“My name is (your name)”

Now whilst keeping strong pressure with your dominant hand try to break the circuit open with your non-dominant hand by quickly pulling your non-dominant thumb and finger through to try to break the circuit.

If you can’t, your answer is ‘Yes’. You will have received a ‘Yes’ for this test – you won’t be able to break the circuit.

Now make this statement: “My name is (use a different name).”

Now do the test again, making sure that you have strong pressure with your dominant hand. You will find that you will easily break the circle when you make this statement regardless of how much pressure you exert to try to keep your dominant thumb and finger ‘closed’.

Your answer, when you can break the circuit is a ‘No’.

Muscle Test Two (with someone else)

Have another person hold their arm out straight and get them to make a fist. Tell them to hold their arm as strongly as they can in a straight line away from their body.

Ask them to make the statement

“My name is (their name)”

Now try to push their arm down. You will find that you have to exert quite a lot of pressure to do this, or (depending on their strength) you may not even be able to do this no matter how hard you try.

Now ask them to make this statement

“My name is (a different name).”

Now do the test again, and you will find that you are able to quite easily push their arm down no matter how strongly they try to hold it in a straight line.

You can change places with this person and get them to do this test with you, and you will find that the results are identical.

How Statements Affect Your Personal Power and Truth

What has just occurred is a statement of truth increases personal power and strength, and a false statement decreases personal power and strength.

By using either (or both) methods of muscle testing you will be able to test whether or not your Inner Identity beliefs are aligned with any statements or not.

While doing muscle testing it is important to frame your questions in a way that you will receive a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer.

For example if a man was to hold his arm out straight and make the statement “I will be successful in my business” and his arm does not hold when pressure is exerted on it, we know he does not believe this statement deeply within himself.

And as per his Inner Identity belief that he has about himself he is not going to be successful.

His life inwardly and outwardly is going to match this lack of self-belief.

Therefore, in order for him to be successful, he must work on his Inner Identity beliefs in order to produce different outer results in his life.

So you may ask how does all of this relate to blaming?

If you know you are blaming another person for what happened to you, or if you are blaming yourself, please do the following statements as muscle tests with yourself or with another person to help.

Ifyou are not sure if you are ‘blaming’, then the first two muscle tests will help you clarify.

Please make sure you write the answers down to these muscle tests, so that you can reflect later and really feel into what is going on for you.

The Energy that Doesn’t Serve You

Please do these following muscle tests:

1) I am blaming (person’s name) for what happened to me

2) I am blaming myself for what happened to me

You will be very surprised to realise that it would be a usual that if you are blaming someone else – that you will also get a ‘yes’ for blaming yourself, even though you may not think you were responsible for what happened or blaming yourself at all.

You see, your Inner Identity does not separate how you feel about others from how you feel about yourself.

Your Inner Identity is universal and connects everything. And in its connection of everything you are the only common denominator.

It all reflects back to you.

Now try these next ones.

3) Whilst blaming I am able to create my own happiness and truth.

4) Whilst blaming I have to wait for someone else to fix my life for me

5) Whilst blaming someone else will fix my life for me

6) Whilst hanging on to blame I am getting well and healing

(You may be amazed at the answers you receive for these statements).

Now do this following exercise…

7) State three “I will somewhere in my life receive statements” regarding things you do want in your life (this will be personal for you).

Such as:

• “Whilst blaming I will somewhere in  my life receive honesty in a love relationship”
• “Whilst blaming I will somewhere in my life receive support in a  love relationship”
• “Whilst blaming I will somewhere in my life receive decency in a love relationship”

(You be amazed at these answers – regardless of what your mind would like to think)

Please note at this point it is very important to understand that as per Energetic Law there is only energy and ‘what is’ in the moment of now.

What this means is: your energy (beliefs) in every single moment is the creator of your future.

The way you really manifest your life is not logical. It is all coming off your Inner Identity beliefs and what your energy is or isn’t doing now.

Each moment sets up every future moment.

The Energy that Does Serve You

Please do these following muscle tests:

1) If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I am able to create my own happiness and truth

2) If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I don’t have to wait for someone else to fix my life for me

3) If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I am getting well and healing

Now do this following exercise…

4)      State three “I will somewhere in my life receive statements” regarding things you do want in your life (and this will be personal for you).

Such as:

• If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I will somewhere in my life receive honesty in a love relationship
• If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I will somewhere in my life receive support in a love relationship
• If I take responsibility, and heal and empower myself, I will somewhere in my life receive decency in a love relationship

Are you amazed at the results you had in these muscles tests?

Are you amazed at how your body speaks to you and is telling you your truth?

Can you see how blaming is tearing you down and holding you separated from where you really want to be, and what you really want to create?

I’d love to hear your answers in the comments!

People ask “How do I stop the hurt and the blaming for what happened to me?”

The answer is very simple:

Take the responsibility to heal and empower yourself.

After all – your body just told you the results that will produce if you do.

As we know, narcissists often act in ways that defy all definitions of normal. They regularly break the rules, tell lies, break promises, degrade, demean, and exhibit unjust, aggressive, and abusive behavior that is inappropriate, childish, without remorse, and totally inhuman.

It’s likely, if you have suffered narcissistic abuse, that you have a high level of integrity, and you’re likely known as a person who does the right thing. You have a conscience, and because you do, you’re mindful of considering your environment and other people.

Therefore, you will be dismayed and even regularly incensed by the narcissist’s inability to conduct themselves appropriately or abide by basic human morality and decency.

You will likely fight for decency and morality. Before long, you’ll find yourself lecturing and prescribing ‘correct behavior’ as if talking to a 5-year-old.

YOU act responsibly and uphold your integrity; therefore, why shouldn’t THEY?

Life with a narcissist is like a bag of tricks and a box of chocolates. You never know what will morph out of thin air or be unwrapped next. You are constantly on edge, walking on broken glass and suffering from high levels of anxiety. Understandably, you want the instability and madness to stop…

Forcing accountability logically seems to be the answer so that the crazy feelings and fear can end.

Your Integrity Is Used Against You

It’s extremely important to know the strength you possess – integrity is, in fact, one of the greatest weapons that the narcissist uses against you. Firstly, understand that narcissists purposefully target people who have high levels of integrity.

The reason is he or she knows:

• You will take responsibility for cleaning up the messes that the narcissist creates.
• You will typically work overtime cleaning up these messes.
• You are the perfect person to blame because you vehemently try to prove your integrity to the narcissist rather than leave despite the abuse.
• By focusing on trying to get the narcissist to act like a responsible and considerate adult, you will hand over lots of much-needed narcissistic supply (attention).
• The narcissist can accuse you of a lack of integrity in any area you pride yourself in – (being a good parent, a caring role model, a pet lover, an honest business person etc., etc.), which grants omnipotent delight when the narcissist views how much this maims you.
• You will be a partner ‘who loves and cares,’ willingly sharing your resources, time, support, and money.

By preying on your need for integrity, the narcissist has set you up to lose your mind. The more he or she attacks and pillages supply and resources from you as a result of your high levels of integrity – the more you will try to righteously force the narcissist to be accountable. In fact, you may go out of your way to prove a point and do the ‘right thing’ – to set the right example, hoping that the narcissist will learn and start acting like a decent person.

The narcissist, by the very definition of what a narcissist is, does not want to be accountable, does not want to ‘play fair,’ does not want to conform, and does not want to ‘do the right thing.’A narcissist believes playing by the rules makes him or her like everyone else.

In fact, the narcissist watches you doing all of the ‘right things’ and inwardly laughs about how pathetic you are for doing it and loves it because it gives him or her ample opportunity to keep mining supplies. In contrast, you keep trying to force him or her to be as ‘good’ as you.

The narcissist believes ‘being good’ would mean being reduced to a mere human, swallowed whole, and controlled by the system. The narcissist thinks this will create vulnerability and take away his or her ‘edge’ of remaining separate, having the upper hand, and securing a narcissistic supply. To co-operate means he or she will have no way to steal energy to fill up the empty, painful void within – which would spell emotional annihilation.

You must understand that there is no way to make the narcissist accountable – and trying to is one of the greatest hooks that are keeping you stuck in abuse.

The Deadly Dance

A horrible addiction process occurs when you try to exert control over the narcissist’s actions and demand his or her accountability. In fact, the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more you lose control of yourself.

As your focus on trying to make the narcissist ‘normal’ and ‘decent’ intensifies, the more you expose yourself to the mind-bending twists and turns, the insane behavior, and the intense gas-lighting, maneuvers, projections, justifications, and downright lies that will tear your self-esteem and self-belief apart.

Before long, you will think you are losing your mind, and you find that you can barely function. As the process intensifies, you will feel so empty, tormented, and anguished that you may feel like life is not worth living.

I promise you the strongest, most intelligent people with high integrity suffer the most in this deadly dance. Be very aware you can’t win this game with the narcissist – and trying to win will just grant A-Grade supply to the narcissist every step of the way.

The Narcissist Fights Dirty

The need for integrity creates the perfect forum for the narcissist to unleash his or her most powerful arsenal. Within arguments, he or she has a wide-open playing field with no boundaries. This is like a bloodthirsty game of mortal combat with no rules. The narcissist has no conscience, so an endless amount of nasty tools are readily available.

These include:

• Outrageous lies to gain whatever goal the narcissist has in mind.
• Gas-lighting techniques to get you to doubt yourself.
• Imagined allies to back up his or her claims.
• Malicious comments to maim you.
• Attacks on your integrity to disarm you.
• Expert projection is to determine what he or she did your fault.
• Purposeful, outrageous, and childish, non-sensical comments to incense you.
• Refusal to remain on the topic at hand.
• Insistence on boundaries within the conversation, granting him or her all the rights to continue speaking and you none.
• Discard and abandonment techniques regardless of the state you are in. (The more distressed you are, the more delight in abandoning you).
• Attacking you regarding your distress, hysteria, or anger within the argument.
• The ability to use any of the above (plus more) to purposefully punish you and create the highest level of anguish possible.

No human being is a match for these tactics. Suppose you do try to match the narcissist’s game with any of the narcissist’s tactics. In that case, the narcissist immediately pounces on your lack of integrity, which throws you into despair: The narcissist doesn’t believe I am a decent person (this destroys your soul and mission to ‘change’ the narcissist …), or you will feel the incensed mind-bending rage of: Who are you to accuse me of lack of integrity?

Whichever way it goes, you end up battered and distraught, and the narcissist obtained a narcissistic supply and the omnipotent knowing that he or she can have this effect on you…

You can’t shrug off allegations like the narcissist can. The narcissist, once securing you in their life, actually doesn’t care whether or not you think the narcissist is a good person. The narcissist is simply in the game for the two reasons that narcissists interact with anyone:

1) To secure narcissistic supply, and

2) Having a person to hurt to offload their tormented inner self.

You have to accept that the narcissist simply does not hold or even care about the model of love and relationships that you do. His or her values, needs, and neuron brain pathways are miles apart from yours.

The More you Need, the Less You Get

At the time of entering the argument, you will feel that you were seeking accountability for a specific issue – now, as a result of the argument, you will feel totally unsafe and need accountability for all the brutal abuse that occurred within the argument as well.

The more you try to gain accountability, the less you receive it, and the more accountability you need—and the vicious cycle expands and broadens until it is literally ripping your life apart, with no way out if you continue.

You know when you are disintegrating and completely losing yourself because this is when you start acting like a crazy person. You may call the narcissist twenty times in a row and start seeking people in his community to tell them the truth about the narcissist. You may be constantly checking the narcissist’s Facebook, phone records, and contacts about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and your whole life becomes obsessed and totally taken over by the need to get accountability.

This is the exact opposite of where you want to be. With your focus utterly obsessed with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, he or she has you right where they want you – detached from your True Self.

You can no longer supply yourself healthily with your basic emotional needs, sustenance, and safety, and you can no longer effectively look after your practical and even survival needs. You may find eating, sleeping, paying bills, and functioning virtually impossible.

How to Drop the Need for Accountability and Reach Acceptance

Read the following very carefully. This is your truth.

Understandably, you will be operating from the mind-bending pain: ‘You should or should not be doing this!’ and ‘How on earth can somebody do what you do?!’

This may seem correct at a human and logical level, but this does not help you create a healthy and accountable life with accountable people.

One of the most significant fundamental lessons of life and intense learning curves that we are forced to face as a result of narcissistic abuse is this: People can be and do whatever they want to be and do. This lesson of acceptance is one of the most essential when recovering from narcissistic abuse.

There are only two ways we can live our life. These are:

1) Resistance, or

2) Acceptance.

When we judge something as wrong, we have set ourselves up energetically (energy being the true ‘note’ that creates our reality). My experience is wrong because of this thing being wrong, and therefore, I have to make it right in order to be Okay.

For example, if you do something bad to me and I decide to be affected by it ( a normal human reaction), I’ll replay it in my mind, and every time I do, I feel the pain of what you did to me. You are, however, no longer standing there and doing ‘it’ to me. I am actually free to get on with the truth of my life, but I can’t now because what you did was ‘wrong’.

I have assessed that my life can’t be ‘right’ now because you exchanged with me in a’ wrong’ way. Your ‘wrongness’ has now become my ‘wrongness’ (I took it on), and it can’t be fixed until I change you from being ‘wrong’ into ‘right.’

Understandably, this is very POWERLESS. I have no power to change you. And If I try to, I can’t have a ‘right’ life until I change you from being ‘wrong.’ The truth is I’ll be having a ‘wrong’ life forever…

Why? Because even if I could force you to change into ‘right’ (highly unlikely and impossible when dealing with a narcissist), more and more ‘wrong’ people would still keep coming into my experience and keep doing ‘wrong’ things to me…

Why? That sounds crazy! Why would I keep attracting the ‘wrong’ behavior I detest so much?

The answer is simple. It’s because I have an intense focus and dislike (judgment) of ‘wrong.’ I take it personally. I make other people’s behavior about me and judge who they are. I try to fix them and change them in a futile attempt to make me happy rather than take responsibility for being the Creator of myself.

…all because I have not as yet learned the vital SOUL LESSON of acceptance and unconditional love, which is:

“I love you and all of life enough to allow you to be whoever you want to be on your journey, and I love myself enough to choose the TRUE journey for me. Therefore, if we are not a match, thank you for showing me what I needed to heal within myself. I can let go and allow us both to experience the journey that is our choice as it stands right now.”

Whenever we judge something as wrong, we resist it. By resisting it, we think we are saying ‘No’ to it—yet in reality, we are saying ‘Yes’ and bringing it into our experience. Resistance hooks us into the fight of trying to change something that is ‘wrong’ into being ‘right’ and pollutes our being and experience with ‘wrong’ in the process.

True Acceptance does not mean tolerating – it means the exact opposite. Acceptance means we observe the narcissist’s behavior and accept that the narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist. With this acceptance, you will no longer have the need to change or fix the narcissist for your own well-being.

The gift of learning how to stop trying to get accountability is the peace and acceptance that we are Unlimited Beings with all of life’s resources at our disposal. We don’t have to try to force unmakeable deals to work because there is plenty more of what we really want available in life.

You need to establish that you DO have the resources within you to create your own truth and fullness. You can allow others to be whoever they wish to be, and if who they are or what they do does not align with your Truth, then that person does not need to be your reality. Leave and stop participating and put your focus fully on creating what it is that you want.

If this article resonated with you, I would love you to register for my free 16-day recovery, ‘You Can Thrive Program.’ In this course, I share my healing system, Quanta Freedom Healing™, which has allowed thousands of people from over 50 different countries to break free from narcissistic abuse and start new lives filled with abundance, freedom, and joy.

Please click here to reserve your space for this free event.

I hope this article helped you realize how much damage fighting for accountability is causing you. Next time you judge someone or their actions as ‘wrong,’ remember to apply acceptance instead. Everyone is making their own journey in their own way, given their world map. Now, set yourself free to choose your truth regardless of what this person is or isn’t doing, and if their truth is not a match for yours, it certainly does not have to play any part as your truth anymore.