I think that you know the answer. We have to learn radical acceptance as well as be radically honest with ourselves about the people we love that abuse us.

From personal experience…. You must gray rock and work on moving out of her nest and into your own space where you can enforce your boundaries and not be subjected to abuse on a daily basis.

Just moving out alone will empower you immensely and help you to focus on the healing and self care thats absolutely necessary to survive.

You know your trauma bonded. What you are explaining is a part of being trauma bonded, unfortunately. You need to keep in mind that breaking trauma bonds is literally harder than getting off heroin for most folks. Its is an actual addiction… Caused by the narc and the extreme highs and lows you have endured your whole life.

Breaking these bonds and overcoming this will be the hardest thing you will do thus far and possibly ever… But if you do it… You will come out of this as the best version of you. You will be stronger, smarter, able to survive anything life throws at you and ready to finally embrace and live a healthy, happy, drama free life! It’s worth every damned second to me and it will be for you too… But you have to do the work. There’s no other way.

Learn all about their tactics and how to deal with them in ways that give them the least amount of supply. “Respond don’t react” is an awesome tactic but not easy to implement fully without dedicated awareness of SELF (gray rock is fantastic in these situations though).

Put all your focus into working on all the baggage you have that keeps you down. Work on building your emotional intelligence, do daily affirmations to build up your self esteem and reverse all the self doubt and brainwashing, practice mindfulness, meditate, make art, go for walks in nature, one of the most important things you need to do imho is write in a journal (which can be a locked one on your phone or tablet etc for privacy) about everything you experience/d and ultimately, you got to become the best friend/mother/father to yourself that you need/ed and obviously never truly had growing up. You must heal your traumas so you can thrive as a whole, stable, healthy person. Doing that will require lots of changes and self reflection and you will come to enjoy it all.

You must learn all you can to come out on top. If money is tight you can get all the best books free. If you aren’t much of a book person, you can download the “libby” or “overdrive” apps and use your local library card to get audiobooks on your phone for free. Then listen whenever you can… helps tune the drama out too. I do it daily and im smarter, stronger and more equipped to handle any topic I want with every passing day.

If you prefer to read or want to do some excellent workbooks to help you work through the issues arising from this… I’d look up an app called “pdfdrive” and search for narcissistic abuse recovery books and workbooks, gaslighting recovery workbook, codependency and some inner child healing books. You can download many free here.

Definitely sign up for the email newsletter, youtube channels of Melanie, sam valkin, dr. Rashida, narc survivor, covert narc channel, mental healness, etc. They are amazing resources that are constantly adding new info.

Most importantly, make sure you join a few groups for narc abuse survivors so you have fellow thrivers to talk to. People don’t understand unless they experience it themselves and you need validation right now… Not more invalidation. Facebook has a bunch. There are also apps you can download that can help you track your moods, experiences, no contact regiment, etc…

There are apps for peer/therapy support too. Either by humans or by AI. Depends on your preference. One of my favs is 7 cups but there’s a good range of other awesome, free resources available beyond that as well. Since you mentioned finances, I figured you could use these, as I do. They really have been awesome.

Remember you are not alone. Forgive yourself when you slip up because you will. We are human. Imagine yourself happy, healthy and thriving after you have overcome this and when you struggle…. Visualize that. It helps to visualize where we want to be to keep us focused and motivated when the going gets tough (and before the tough get going)!

We believe in you and stand with you, in solidarity, fellow warrior! You can do this! This will be the beginning of the rest of your life and before you know it… You will be on the other side of this, happy, healthy and thriving!

Sending lots of love and light to you, fellow warrior!

When I read your story I felt like I was reading my past. It’s awful to have family members pull the crazy card when you, A). Just need your own space.
B). Should be able to express yourself especially in a creative way. Ex: dressing.
C). You didn’t give an age range but I felt like I wanted to run many times. Your are not crazy. It’s normal to run from environments that make you feel unsafe or disrespected. In fact sometimes it will actually save you too.
Be safe first!

Hi Lori,

absolutely it is painful and sad.

But yet dear lady, this way this is an end and then the rebirth into a true and beautiful life for you.

They don’t change, but by letting go and healing you – everything will change for you.

Sending you love and hugs in these painful and challenging times.

NARP is there for you, and its so time to go back to Modules as your best friend. You have got this!

Mel 🙏💕💚

Fast forward, another lack of disclosure was found and the last straw, he is looking for a house in a difficult market. I am trying to be supportive and interested to help it all move forward.

I am sad because all the while I kept hoping things would work out, they were just getting worse. I kept telling myself this was happening for me to learn important things about me. I think the lesson was maintain my personal boundaries and don’t hang on to a bad situation hoping he’s gonna snap into being a normal person.

I read this blog and fear the days ahead. The stress, the arguments etc because he doesn’t want this. I tell him I think he will be much happier as king of his own castle and that he will be happier with a younger woman. At the same time I am mourning all the hopes and wishes that were never possible.

Today I feel very sad. I don’t want him to see me this way so I will have to pull it together soon. But I also don’t want to deny my feelings and these are the steps I must take to get to the other side.

I am sending out blessings to the universe for me and all the other people finding their way out of chaos to find peace and joy.

Hi Elizabeth,

You are welcome and I hope you can find clarity and healing with my resources.

Sending you love, strength and blessings

Mel 🙏💕💚

I left my husband after 1.5 yrs of marriage.I just could not take his abuse anymore.It was physical,mental and always emotional.I never knew the word narcissist existed until I married him.I did everything and anything for him because I love him.He would gaslight me often.usexmy my mistakes and failures I life became his ammo.I could not say anything anymore.I was told I better be afraid.I was told it was his prison.I was under his control allthewhile he’d accuse me of things he was doing…such as chatting with other women he had only on messenger.Hed flip the screen very quickly whenever I entered back into the room.I been married before but only to liars.This was a horrid experience .I spent numerous hours and money helping him fix up his home as it was our home….were making it better for us…..but I somehow knew my name was never going on any deed….and sometimes he’d make me aware when someone upset him….its my home!He had rages and trashed rooms,called me all manner of ill names,caused me many tears but never even hugged me or acted sorry.He really had no remorse for his actions or the way he treated someone who truly loved him.I could never please Him.He had put his hands on my face and smothered my breathing,and choked me….and always threaten me.I felt so hurt inside.My feelings didn’t build bridges.I learned I couldn’t let him see my tears.And if he was quiet I knew more abuse was coming.Yes he always gaslighted me,lovebombed,.So I cried to God.I was isolated.My family lived 600 miles away.No friends where we lived.He was sure to tell me “no-one will believe you.” he thrived on his fake lifelong reputation….ex military….niceguy….Godly…..I felt sorry for the soul of his deceased lovely wife of over 30 yrs…what she endured…cause I knew this behavior wasn’t new….not in one over 50’s.I was called acrazy b.A mentalcase…..By time I left I felt empty inside,devoid of life,not lovable,etc.I knew I had to leave and count all losses .Only gains was knowing I did love him…and take any good and bad and learn what I can.I did get several emails ….all the “stuff”they do….I went no contact.He attacked my son’s Facebook who is mildly retarded and try.d to get all the people of color to come after him. The n word.And nasty posts to men and women….I reported it to FB.He also sent a letter to my oldest saying vile things about my son and me…..slander and lies.I never knew such evil until I looked into its eyes everyday.I had already spent years recovering from childhood abuse.I am a honest loving person.I been doing counseling with someone who specializes in narcissist behaviors.They cannot love and they make life a living he’ll on earth.And true when you leave they want you to suffer.They cannot stand to lose control.He controlled my every move….He didn’t even work anymore….so when and how did I commit “these false realty acts of his”…i could not even breathe fresh air without him.I am moving on.I have peace in my life.Nomatter cause I know God has my back.I don’t do evil to others and call myself Godly.I actually was very broken and hurt when I left but now I pray for his family.I seen him behave badly to them too.He loves control.I was supposed to “make my son’s afraid of me”.And with his he’d say “i’ll get my respect!” They want control of everyone in their life except for outsiders. Where they must maintain their “shiny appeal”.Thank God He always loves me!Healing is a journey …it takes work.I often have to positively redirect my thoughts.They prey on weak and vulnerable people….sometimes going through a very dark hour in life.Thank you Melanie for helping people survive and thrive.God bless you.

Hi Lorraine,

please know you are not crazy – mother wounds are huge.

You are trauma bonded Dear Lady.

Please know my resources can help you so much! Have you heard of NARP, it is my number one recommendation to help you heal and get your soul back http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

I hope that this helps and sending you much love

Mel 🙏💕💚