Hi De De,

your emancipation lies in you dropping deeply into the fear / pain (beliefs) that keep hooking you back in – and targeting them and shifting them out with NARP Modules.

Can you sit with pen and paper, and think back to the times when he contacts and the emotional charges / panic / urges you feel?

You need to embrace those, deeply drop into those and ask yourself ‘What is this really about?’ Then when you get your answers shift those wounded parts of yourself out in healing Modules.

Then you will no longer be hooked – but you need to meet yourself determinedly to achieve that evolution past those wounded parts.

Until you do evolve those parts your cognitive mind is no match for those powerful subconscious urges. They will win out every time – just like they have been doing.

Does that help?

Mel xo

Thank you so much for holding this space for all of us…you are indeed an angel on Earth!

I’m in so much pain (self-inflicted) and I am realizing that I do not know how to do a “relationship” correctly. We are not taught in school, and most of us have had horrible role models…not to mention all of the deceit, cheating, lying, and self interest that is portrayed in the characters we view on t.v.!

I keep thinking I’m making progress. That it’s getting easier to ask for what I need/want. That I’m not afraid to say “no” but I’m lying to myself. I’m still obsessed, infatuated, and falling for the lies because I want to “believe” that there is hope, I want to “believe” that he isn’t a Narcissist and is just immature, I want to believe his promises that things will be “better” that he will step-up and do what I have asked…however, every time I agree, I do know that he’s going to disappoint me. Is this a form of self-injuring? A way to re-instill that I’m not “worthy” or “good enough” for someone to love “ME” for being me?

I’m hurting because of my choices. Nonetheless, I’m hurting and I can’t get it to stop!

I’m in therapy, I’m taking medication, I’m in a group, I am taking online courses, I am doing your modules and in the recent past was attending Codependents Anonymous.

In my head, I run through scenarios where I am strong, say “no” or am able to ignore his attempts to contact me. But when he does contact, the adrenaline flows and I can’t control my need to see/feel him. I’m completely addicted to the feelings – not necessarily to him. How do you get through this addiction successfully and pick differently or just be “alone” and be happy?

…and for the records; what I am writing about here in this blog post response, is just one aspect of this new relationship in my life. There is much more to it, only I focus here, on what is relevant for this forum and subject. It’s much more to life than this- but still this is incredibly important to be conscious about, have skills according to. Takling about investing in ones life; investing time and resources on healing emotionally has meant the big difference to me, and still is. These days my therapist (in psychology) gives feedback that I am seemingly healing so fast from the CPTSD that he is impressed, and he is also very impressed about the insight that I have about my diagnosis. That I can much thank you for, Melanie. And thank God for, most of all. So may blessings in life. And a joy closing up to a new point in life being able to serve.

I have met a man now, that seem to be at a very similar place in life that I am and a good match- and what I experience, is that I unconsciously sometimes and in some aspects, with my behaviour, ways of talking etc, invite to be treated like in previous narc ways, and then it is good being able to use this blog and the NARP sessions to work with myself going through and releasing stuff that comes up within me along the way in the meeting with this good man that I have met. Since it is my first since the relationship with the man with narc traits, I experience that the fears I developed through that relationship comes back automatically as in programming, and this is a huge gift; gives the opportunity to heal myself completely, but only if I go straight to work doing NARP sessions and spending time on reflecting and thinking around it, finding new healthy patterns to function. What I experience with this practice, is that after each time I do sessions n such issues, I get immidiate response; VERY POSITIVE response from him. And he does not know anything about this practice. He simply is himself.

Finding new love is, when it is with a nice healthy person, a gift of exposure therapy for me. And it makes visible for me, or triggers, issues at a level that I was not able to get in touch with in that previous period of time staying away from even the thought of opening to a new relationship. I find this especially in relation to sessiopn 2; releasing the illusion of the perfect partner; I eem to have a great deal of unhealthy clinging in me still- I dont knpw what I should have been doing without NARP, so thank you again for having brought NARP on the market available. 🙂

This blog post is in this way also incredibly useful for me, here, today, in finding maximum grounding within myself and ensuring that I am in touch with my own values, being clear in wether there are any big red signs in this relationship, wich as far as I can see, there is not, pewh! Of course I have some worries about that now and then- those “what if I am not conscious enough, what if I am not ready for new love yet, what if I am going into something and do not see warning signs, what if I am walking into trauma one more time” thoughts. When I get those thoughts, it is good to be able to read blog posts and otherwise reading about narcissism and warning signs and such, to reality check myself and my experience now and then in this new phase of my life.

Much love!

He talked for hours about his past traumas and ex relationship problems but never cared about my interest or offered to help with my financial challenges. I asked him to be more emotionally available to me, encouraged him to stop blaming others and take responsibility for his moods. I stated what my relationship needs and expectations were after being asked and he soon withdrew. He then said he could not get emotionally involved with me or anyone. When I finally asked for financial assistance for a bill after getting sick in exchange for art and 3 hours of holistic therapy, he refused to talk to me. I tried to help him by being a friend, supporting and listening to his problems and but when I needed assistance he disappeared.

I seem to attract selfish narcissistic men that belittle and think I am “easy” and strangers that do not recognize or respect me as an intelligent, mature adult of worth. What karma do I have that leads me to experience such treatment? I am forty with education and work experience in holistic health and want to know what I can do to resolve these experiences in relationships and move to a better life.

Thank you Kristina for addressing the physical attraction (or lack of it) and thank you Mel for your response.

I had a lot of conflicting issues in the last involvement because of this.

He was quite overweight so there were some feelings of being repelled, while at the same time there was this fiery attraction and in fact an addiction to him physically.

There must be something in my DNA maybe that attracts me to a ‘big’ man in appearance. Yet deep within I also know that obesity is a big sign of ill-health physically AND emotionally. So once involved my mind and spirit have a big ‘ol wrestling match about it.

Since I was addicted to him (I know this in retro but often wondered about it during our time together) I thought I was an awful superficial person making me the problem. And if I could just stop being a ‘mean girl’ in how I thought about his being overweight we would be OK.

For me as a codependent I think there are a couple things that have been at play.

1. Not knowing what my values even are,making it easier to adopt others’. And yes, it has caused inner conflict when I’ve tried to accept in my mind certain things as values but my soul… and body as a matter of fact, knew better.

Perhaps that’s something that can cause a push/pull dynamic at times…knowing the person’s presence is not a match for my true self yet, the NEED for love, attention and acceptance would be stronger at times as well as avoiding that empty painful void if he weren’t there.

I remember going through some years in a toxic dating situation and taking on his opinions, because I didn’t know my own.

2. Not caring about and even denying my own values…because doing so would take me out of his picture. And pretty much everything above also applies here as far as the neediness.

Settling to cast any values that were my own aside for so long caused them to become distant and confusing. Knowing what they were can be difficult.

Even if healthy eating is a value, it can be overtaken by eating to soothe when in so much pain.

And so again, being out of such a toxic situation, figuring out my own values is necessary to do but also aligning again with the ones I know about can be very challenging.

Thank you Mel, for such an insightful post.