I really want to put forth this question.
When we are hooked up in narcissistic abuse (in our “normal” life of gauging things from the “outside in”) our real life experiences tell us that this person, the narcissist, is brutalising us like our worst enemy – relentlessly and manically. As if this person is taking incredible pleasure doing so … and for whatever reason he or she won’t let up.
We also have the compounding horror that we seem to be trapped in this! Why can’t we walk away? We can’t we leave? And even if we have physically we can’t seem to emotionally. And why do we keep getting drawn back in time and time again?
If we are honest with ourselves we know that the torture in some crazy way extends to the way we are torturing ourselves.
But is that it? Is that the whole picture, or is there something more going on here?
I promise you the deep exploration of this question: what can you learn from the narcissist’s punishment? is the Thriver Model, and it is a fundamental key to recovery – the understanding of how much the narcissist is in fact the messenger of something deeper that we need to understand.
In this article I am going to share with you the deeper truths about what we can learn and heal from the hideous torture, and how this bears incredible gifts.
How Narcissists Target Wounds
Narcissists connect with you deeply – or so it seems. And this is exactly how a narcissist needs to operate, because they fear people. You see narcissists are hugely insecure, they have fragile egos, they don’t trust others, and their beliefs and behaviours are very egoic (outer survival based) and steeped in fear, competition, lack and neediness.
This means that narcissists need to control others. Somewhere in their past they learnt that their True Self was not adequate to get its needs met, and what was required to not be emotionally annihilated was a False Self – a buffer – that could pretend to be someone who the narcissist is not and manipulate, deceive and avoid accountability. The False Self defences are this: “If I control you, you can’t hurt me again”.
This is the replay of original childhood wounds, this time as a more equipped and practiced adult, using tactics to survive from the terror of the alive and festering wounds inside the narcissist – wounds of childhood neglect, abuse or enmeshment.
(It is vital to understand that old unhealed stuff is KEY in regard to anyone’s destructive, self-destructive, unwholesome or unhealthy behaviour. And I really want you to absorb that statement, because then you can understand exactly how that has played out for you.)
Therefore the narcissist needs to “know thy enemy” – anyone close to him or her. The narcissist gets to know you intimately, and in order to gather information he or she asks questions and listens attentively, to find your weakspots.
The narcissist knows that by hitting these weakspots that you are crippled emotionally and this causes you to hand power over by regressing into reactivity and helplessness and powerlessness.
The narcissist discovered the following at a very early age – deliver low blows that are people’s “chinks” and you can control them.
And it works every time, because when we have our own unhealed, unfinished childhood business we become “that child” emotionally in the fray. We try to make the narcissist change his or her opinion of us. We try to get them to “take it back”, and we try to make him or her “get” how wrong that statement / behaviour / action was.
We pretend we are the parent trying to get a narcissist to behave like a mature, respectful adult and be “decent”.
But that is NOWHERE near the REAL truth …
This is the truth … Oh boy this is the truth …
The TRUTH is we have regressed back to the child at the age of our unhealed wounds, and we are assigning the narcissist as the parent to FIX it this time.
This is how this works in our subconscious … “Mum you gave me a hard time from seven years of age about being fat. Now (Narc) I have assigned you as the person replaying what my mother did and I am going to cling to you relentlessly so that this time “Mum” can stop hurting me!”
Whoa – do you understand???
You need to, because it changes everything.
This is the TRUTH of what is playing out – you are bonded to the narcissist trying to fix what Mum did to you when you were seven, and the narcissist is getting an incredible feed of narcissistic supply from you whilst you remain trauma bonded.
This goes for every weakspot that the narcissist is hammering you with. Think about it, and you will start connecting the dots and realising how true this is.
Please understand, it’s not like the average narcissist is a “psychologist” and knows how this works and what is really going on. Unconsciousness is unconsciousness, and unconsciousness means, “I have no idea what I am generating with Life (personal responsibility) or what is really going on with my OWN consciousness (emotional and spiritual health).”
The narcissist is not likely to understand his or her wounded childhood plight let alone yours, but does know how to hook you and get narcissistic supply – as well as punish you to avoid his or her own dysfunctions (painful inner landscape) by lining you up, projecting his or her self-loathing on to you and making you become the “wrong” and “crazy” one.
This is where perpetual victims who are very unconscious go into overdrive. They play the righteous “parent” against the narcissist – they fight back, join Groups, spew damnation, research and share everything they can about narcissists trying to call them out and expose them.
But despite all their highly charged efforts they can never hold the narcissist accountable, they never feel vindicated and they don’t get better.
The reason being – they are NOT meant to heal that way …
Because that orientation is a completely wrong turn away from our healing and only creates a deeper cementing into victimisation.
Missing the Message or Getting it
The Victim Model creates ongoing trauma, powerlessness and blaming the narcissist.
In all my years helping people Thrive after narcissistic abuse, I have never seen one person operating in this model get better. In stark contrast I have seen them just get addicted to information about abusers, and joining in with other people who are also obsessed with finding out and sharing everything they can about narcissists.
From a Higher Perspective, as well as my own personal journey and sharing liberation with thousands of others, I know exactly why they are not getting better – because they are not working with the truth.
Here is the absolute truth: We created at soul level contracts for these people to come into our lives.
Now there is the ultimate statement that will make people really want to crucify me! And that’s okay, because I’ve heard it all before … things like “Melanie, you are telling me I CHOSE this? How DARE you say that!”
Yes I am saying it’s true … not consciously of course, no-one would from the limited human logical perspective choose to be abused by a narcissist. What I totally do know, however, is that at a Higher Soul Level we wish to evolve and there is no better way to evolve ourselves than to be pushed into the density of darkness to be forced to transcend it and come out released into the light.
It’s a journey of “Return To Love” – it’s a journey of releasing ourselves from the illusions of fear, pain, separation and judgements and coming face to face with our wounds (that were originally unconscious) of not being self-partnered and self-loving which were holding us back from an expanded life experience.
I promise you if you were born into a family of narcissists this is a soul-journey. You are not just evolving “this life”. We are born with existing emotional / belief system DNA, generational DNA, past-life unresolved trauma etc.
There is a Higher Reason for all of it, and the best way to “get the message delivered” of what we need to heal within ourselves is to have someone else bring these wounds forth for us in such a way that we cannot ignore them anymore.
THAT person is a narcissist. Garden variety abusers aren’t so heartless, exact or punishing, and often we miss those messages.
Narcissists do it more powerfully than any other person, and their incredible purpose as a False Self is to NOT STOP delivering the torture until you get the message.
And there is no other solution to your narcissistic abuse experience of personal higher evolution other than healing your wounds that they are exposing for you, because you can’t beat a narcissist with logical defences, righteousness, blaming, trying to expose them, researching more about them or joining groups that demonise them.
And you certainly cannot free yourself from the torture of your inner wounds which have been hammered and activated. That’s what all the symptoms of C-PTSD etc is … I promise you … it’s your unhealed, disowned wounds eating you alive – the wounds that only you can turn to.
The truth is this … You can’t heal any other way than to “get the message” – because this isn’t about the narcissist – it is about healing your own wounds.
When you receive the message and heal those original wounds I promise you “the messenger” (the narcissist) does not need to be in your reality anymore, at all, let alone abusing you.
That is EXACTLY why my Thriver Healing process has created breakthrough healings in this community by the thousands. Because the Higher Perspective – the reality of what is really going in – is addressed.
And it is the only way we are set free.
Facing Our Wounds
If we are unconscious and stuck in victimhood and blaming, our wounds can be hard to acknowledge. We also have the conditioned beliefs, “It’s not safe to be vulnerable and wounded”, so most of us set up elaborate defences around ourselves in order to not be rejected, abandoned or punished and we refused to, in that state, look at our own Inner Beings – thinking that would mean “more lack of love and abuse”.
Nothing could be further from the truth! Because when we do come inside and self-partner, we change our entire life beyond description from the inside out (which is where it needs to happen) and we wonder how on earth we were living any differently.
This is the New Love Revolution Model for our world – where one person at a time, as a result of becoming authentic and free of emotional inner wounds, we will change our world beyond description … and I have to say I am very excited and honoured to be a part this revolution and to help others achieve it.
And this has nothing to do with being “fluffy”, “new-agey” or “spiritually delusional!” What it does mean is that we are anchored in our own bodies with maturity, solidness, self-love and self-respect and we are no longer derailed by our young childhood wounds that were all about not loving and respecting ourselves.
No longer are we showing up in ways that hand our power over because of the unfinished business of fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment from others. This is a model of becoming truthful and showing up as an authentic self.
It’s a model that when we become self-partnered, authentic and self-loving, abuse is never our reality again. We become conscious. We don’t harbour pain, fear and judgement (then have to live out more of it). We are freed from all of those cycles – in order to enjoy real life … Power-fully.
Without being narcissistically abused, for most of us, that would never have been possible. We would have just continued living out the “normal” pain of not being self-partnered, not ever healing our wounds and never knowing what our Highest Self and Life was truly capable of.
The transcendence of who we were being to Who We Really Are is never possible until we embrace and partner with ourselves fully wounds and all.
The relief of being real with ourselves is astounding. Showing up to ourselves as this: “Inner Being I know you are wounded, I love you unconditionally, and I am doing everything I can to partner and heal you” is mind-blowingly comforting.
We realise when we start doing this for real that this level of love was the love we have been looking for all of our life – thinking we could get it from outside of ourselves – but discovering that what we were getting instead was only more of our wounds.
Now you know why!
Last week in my article Healing From Narcissistic Abuse – The Body Connection I talked about self-partnering, what it is, how we have all been disconnected from ourselves, and how this has led to disassociation, not trusting ourselves, handing power over, looking for outer answers and created us gravitating to and hooking up with other disconnected people (co-dependents and narcissists).
I totally believe that everyone who has been narcissistically abused is on the soul journey to clean this up.
This Stuff Has Not Just Played Out With the Narcissist
We may think that “our wounding” has only happened with the narcissist, or even that the narcissist caused it to begin with.
You may wonder how this relates if you were born into a family of narcissistic abuse. This is in relation to previous DNA, your soul’s journey and what your Higher Self wants your evolution path to evolve beyond. I do not, as a previous past-life regression, or a soul healer believe in any shape of form that this lifetime is all that that we have experienced or will experience.
There is also a bigger collective purpose for all of us. Not only do we have the ability to liberate ourselves from emotional wounds and trauma, we are also healing for our children, future generations and humanity in general as a result of evolving ourselves.
Truly, we are all in this together, and this is the pro-active movement that will be effective in freeing our world from abuse.
So the bottom line is: no matter who and when our wounding came, we need to understand the deep patterns within ourselves and heal them in order to set ourselves free. As a child, yes you were powerless, but as an adult you are not.
And when we don’t get the “message” that is being delivered to us, Life will turn up the volume trying everything it can to get our attention. This is why it makes so much more sense, and works so much more effectively when we turn around, come inside ourselves and do that.
In regard to any form of narcissistic abuse, these patterns are not new. I promise you there is not one person who I have worked on with Quanta Freedom Healing where the wounds cannot be traced back to original events, DNA generational or past life programs in their subconscious. The exact wound that is traumatising them via the narcissist today. This wound until it is evolved is stuck in repeat.
Even people who adamantly declared there was no correlation found it and saw it themselves point blank in the healing process. And then when they started releasing and up-levelling that wound, they had full awareness of the many other ways that wound had limited their life.
You see, when we are still in the wound, we are unconscious – our limited state and fear and blocks that have held us back are our “normal” … we usually have had them all of our life. Yet when we release and up-level our inner wounds, it opens up space for evolution, consciousness and growth. We start expanding into the knowing of the “bigger picture” exponentially, and we realise things that we had never realised before. Things that grant us enormous feelings of relief, peace, love and wholeness.
The truth has a profound way of doing that, hence the expression: The truth sets you free.
As a really simple example (among thousands) my fears of abandonment were massive “gaps” that both narcissists tore down. When I up-levelled and healed beyond this fear I saw how I had self-abandoned myself so many times by not speaking up, because of the fear that I would “be left”. I did it with friendships, business and family as well as intimate partner relationships. And I had suffered a great deal of abuse, exploitation and pain as a result in many areas of my life.
It was a massive Achille’s Heel, and I had never realised it – I had been blaming others for it all my life, hence why it was continuing.
Thank goodness that the narcissistic experience was so big I finally found and released and up-levelled the three year old trauma energy trapped in my subconscious which had been generating the effects ever since. Not only did I transcend past any attachment to narcissists, I also improved every area of my life as a result of being able to show up without this young emotional terror.
How Do We Work Out Our Wounding?
It’s crazy simple when you stop trying to figure out emotions logically.
Crazy simple! Especially when you have a process to do it.
And it’s vital, because you need to understand that your logical mind was never meant to be in charge of sorting through emotional triggers. It has no ability to.
When we do this process within a Quanta Freedom Healing session, we also have the energetic tool to load up all the connected childhood, Past Life and generational DNA programs connected with the trauma we are tracking in the body. Then that trauma is released from our body (subconscious / cells) and replaced with our True Self state.
This creates instant healing on these traumas, because once we get a body shift, the brain neuron pathways automatically release from old painful connections to form healthy ones. We have literally just changed our mind as a result of changing our body. And this is where the new paradigm of healing needs to go to have any real effect – we need to change our body / emotions first in order to change our mind.
That process is the most profound way to “get the message’ and work with it. It’s a powerful way to shift ourselves beyond the traumas that were keeping us emotionally stuck to and abused by abusers.
It’s incedibly simple to do, because all we need as the starting point is to start listening to our bodies. It stores all information, it is connected to our evolution, and it knows everything about us.
(I promise you your logical mind doesn’t have access to these deeper truths).
And it is this simple: truly … All we need to do is tune into, “What hurts the most right now?” emotionally …
No longer do we need to do the logical and exhaustive exercises of researching copious amount of information about narcissists, seeing any number of therapists, reading countless books or attending seminars on all sorts of different topics in an effort to get relief and get well.
Because ALL we ever need to do is come inside our own body.
That’s it – I promise – then each trauma one by one by one is shifted and transformed. That’s the exact direct and simple process.
It’s so interesting how in our disconnection from selves, and being thrown into our heads by human conditioning that we have become so confused, disorientated, and so outer focused that we have over-complicated our healing to ridiculous proportions. And of course the huge block is being taught to stay in our heads and NOT self-partner emotionally. Because of course that would mean we could never resolve, heal and integrate with ourselves (I talked all about this in last week’s article).
Truly – there is no need to over-complicate anything anymore. There is no need for “analysis paralysis”, and before we know it we just start breaking free from trauma, the narcissist and we start to get well. And the attacks coming from outside of us stop, because there is no wound left inside generating it for the purpose of our own evolution.
So now that you have taken all of that in … let’s investigate how our unhealed wounds played out with the narcissist.
Our Unhealed Wounds With Narcissists
How the narcissist shows up
When the narcissist comes into your life he / she has worked out what turns you on. He / she has sensed what your wound is and then appears to be the saviour of that wound.
For example if “fear of abandonment” is big for you, the narcissist will make out he/she is loyal beyond measure, totally committed and would never leave you or betray you.
How the devaluation happens
The narcissist inevitably will need to punish you when you have not appeased the False Self enough, and / or the narcissist fears that you may be getting the upper hand, or your own autonomy. Your major emotional wound(s) will be a target.
So for example the narcissist may, at a time when you feel all snug and secure, pull the carpet out from under you and “dump” you without warning. You will be triggered into your young abandonment wound, and react with panic, and rather than pull away you will attach your energy to the narcissist even more.
Why you are hooked and the results of being hooked
When we have hit the point of our soul co-creating with Life our own evolution, Life is very insistent about trying to make the unconscious conscious.
If we are wounded and we are receiving someone attacking our wounds and we don’t come inside ourselves to heal these wounds – this person (or other people) will keep attacking our wounds.
This usually compounds with people used for abuse by proxy (I really dislike the expression “flying monkeys”), legal personnel, court systems etc.
The longer we stay unconscious the more we hang on, can’t let go, and the more our activated wounds get compounded with no relief or healing.
We try to force the person who has activated our wound to heal our wounding for us, because we have unconsciously assigned them as the original role model who hurt us in the first place – and we want to right the wrongs of our history through this person.
But this never works, so we may start up secondary addictions and obsessions such as Abuse Forum venting, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping etc to try to escape the pain of the addition to making the narcissist responsible for the healing of our original wounds.
We disintegrate further rather than use the experience to integrate.
How you get unhooked and the results of breaking free
It’s essential to realise there is a bigger picture purpose to all of this, and that Life and your Soul is working for you and not against you.
What is happening to you is all a vital message to come home to yourself to heal – the getting inside your body, being in contact with your subconscious and healing your inner traumas and wounds in order to evolve yourself and your life experience.
When you do find and up-level these wounds a profound shift in consciousness occurs. You grow up that part of yourself. And what this means is you start showing up on this topic as an adult and no longer a wounded child.
Then you see the “game” for what it is. There is no need to fix, change, stop or justify anything. There is no more the feelings of intense love, bonding and connection that you had whilst trying to re-create an abuser as a loving parent this time.
In fact you will become turned off this person, even repulsed, then indifferent and eventually feel compassion for the narcissist (from a distance). Knowing that you have grown through this experience in ways that create the most incredible joy and freedom in life, but this person will forever remain trapped in their childhood wounds – because he or she will remain unconscious.
But you didn’t … you woke up.
And you feel incredible gratitude, because there is absolutely no need to “get” the message any more – you have moved way beyond it, and are now enjoying the benefits.
In Conclusion …
This is why the Thriver Model of recovery is a 180 degree turn from what you are taught in abuse forums, which are all about intense narcissistic focus, and even in standard psychology. When the focus is on the narcissist and does not contain the Higher Self spiritual beliefs of: there is a Higher Reason for this, then we are left with only the formula of victimisation with no way inside ourselves to go to the origin of why this happening.
There has to be a better way – and there is a better way. A direct way, a powerful way and way that grants us relief very quickly, because our Inner Being knows we are on track regarding evolving ourselves.
I would love to show you how to achieve this in my next Webinar – where you can experience physically and emotionally what it is like to locate, release and up-level the wounds that have kept you trapped in abuse …
And then for real you will break free.
Please also note my latest YouTube video Is the narcissist the torturer or the messenger? In this video I share the most common examples (ones I hear ever single day in the community) of how the narcissists traps us with our wounds.
As always I look forward to answering your questions and your comments.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- How Narcissistic Abuse Taught Me To Be A Source To Myself - November 19, 2017
- How To Forgive Yourself For Falling For A Narcissist: Love After Abuse Series - November 16, 2017
- Pathological Jealousy And Narcissism – Why You Can Never Earn Their Trust - November 12, 2017