With that said, I find myself in a bit of a problem lately. I’ve been married to my husband almost 12 years now. I had no idea that he was still in love with an ex-girlfriend until this year.
He dated her when they were both in high school, more than 30 years ago. She broke up with him after high school and according to his mom, he was distraught. I knew the story (he told me while we were dating) but I thought he was over her.

Well, over these last few months, I’ve come to realize that he still has feelings for this person.
He feels that he needs “closure” from her. There have been other issues in our marriage at times in the past (I suspected infidelity on his part, as well as times where he didn’t consider my feelings on certain matters).
But this situation with the high school sweetheart bothers me. I don’t know if he has met with her or talked to her…she lives far away.
Chances are, he won’t admit to anything.

I might sound jealous and insecure (I am not). It’s just that I need advice on this.
It hurts to be married this long and discover that my husband loves a woman from his past, and still wants “closure” (which I can only take to mean that he hopes to rekindle a sexual/romantic relationship with her). They had a sexual relationship in high school that was hot and heavy, and I know that some men hold onto memories like that, even if the girl broke his heart.

I had relationships with TWO narcissists before I met him, and now I wonder if he could be one as well.
I don’t think so, for the most part…but now I’m feeling all these emotions about it.
He has become extremely distant and aloof towards me. We sit at home and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. He seems to be irritated by my presence, except when he wants to have sex or wants me to bring things to him or ask me if I want to watch TV.
He has become highly sexual with me again, after several years of not wanting sex with me at all.
That part of our relationship is OK again, but it’s the emotional part that bothers me. This weird distant behavior with the silent treatment is starting to piss me off. It also worries me, because I don’t know what to think.
I don’t know if there is somebody else (maybe at work?) Or if this high school girlfriend has been communicating with him online somehow, and he wants to reconnect with her?

I feel confused, lost, hurt, angry, and betrayed on some level.
We don’t have children (because HE decided that he wants to be “childfree” although I never agreed to it). I’ve sacrificed so many dreams for a husband that doesn’t care what I want, and still pines for a woman who never loved him.
I don’t know if the ex-girlfriend is a narcissist, but I do believe that closure comes from within (speaking from experience).
Closure comes from accepting that a relationship is finally over, and making peace with that.

The other person may have hurt us, but we have to work on healing ourselves, as unfair as it may seem. I told my husband that…he shouldn’t expect anything from the ex-girlfriend after all this time.
She moved on in 1988, and this is now 2021. He is married (to me) and she has been married for many years with kids of her own.
She might not have realized how deeply the breakup affected him decades later, but it is his responsibility to find closure in a healthy way…not hers.

OMG Marel you are too funny! You ARE the narcissist!! I felt SO bad for that poor woman you traumatized (see I know you and you told me all about her, I watched the drama unfold online–and now i see this old post and i just have to laugh!) So many freaking lies from you! So much gaslighting and twisting of words and situations. I know you think you’re smart but you are just evil, cold and empty. You have those cold reptilian eyes that give you away! I’m SO SO glad Christina got away from you! Hope you rot!

Hi Alysica,

Please for your sake pull away and heal.

Doing so is really about discovering what wounds and unmet needs of ours are playing out with these people.

Your case clearly is dangerous and truly I would much rather help you heal Alysica that hear the fully story.

The first step of unravelling this and getting clarity and strength can be here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

Mel 🙏💕❤️

I’m in the same boat now did he ever try and come back I hope you healed from this

Hey… Update from me – as if anybody is holding their breath in antiscipation – but since I wrote this, I narly died and as a result I am crippled forever. I guess I wa trying t o kill myself without purposely doing it. I literrally lost aquart and a half of blood and woke up two weeks later with compartment syndrome in my left leg… Which ironically SHE has in the same leg, but hers is MUCH less severe. I was in the hospital for two mos after severing my femoral artery. The part that kills me is I did it as adirect result of loving an absolute narcissist who doesnt CARE if I am alive. So, apparently – IVE got some isues of my own. I feel so stupid that I STILL miss her and love her ; I just cant UNLOVE her , like she said was easier than she thought it would be. I wish I could see how to stop caring, but I guess I cant see the forest for the trees… Stupid trees.

And here i am coping with this situation.

It’s been a week after a disastrous brake up where i was withdrawn to be the bad guy and the ugly human being, telling her all of this insults ( i have never done this to anyone, i have never was the worst of my self)….

I knew that she cheated on me before this year and during this phone call that she was in Chicago with a complete team of UPS ready team, she was coming out from a different room on a different floor that i knew she didn’t suppose to.
As always, her explanations were vicious non sense, gas lighting and her best… i was feeling so bad here in Indianapolis just wondering and feeling powerless, help less. so loyal to her.
While being on a phone call, while she was coming out of the elevator, she tell this guy i’ll be back… then after that she turns her cellphone for an hour, she calls back and all her hair undone, telling me that i was wrong what i saw and hear.
Anyhow, all night i call her telling her that i was going to go to the hotel to talk to her and confront this guy next morning. When i got there she change room and told reception that she did’t want to see me. She never responded again and i had to return to Indianapolis…. I did it finally felling obliterated, shattered and trying to understand everything,,,, until today i don’t know what happen. yesterday i went to return of f her gift as a way of closure, the FOB key that i had was disable and what i did was to call her on private, she didn’t pick up and i sent her a text …

I want to send you back all of the stuff you gave me along with the scarf you left in my car and the set of keys from your apartment. ( as part of the exercises given to me by the therapist). I was the one who call you on private, just to let you know that. I don’t ever want you near me, around or such… i am sorry because i didn’t close this the way i suppose to (in any case i am glad is over). i want to thank you as well because i trusted you a lot of things of my self, i know you will understand that mom and some people depend on me and that you wouldn’t hurt that.
you will always find an educated person, nothing less or more. in the coming days you’ll have your cards and stone you gave me.
Hope everything is going well with you. As of me, with God, family and therapist i am returning to be a better myself again.
Bye.

She is 42 y am 35.
She told me one time i would rather be with my friends if we you don’t want to pay for my dinner. – I am Latino and we understand very well of how to be a gentleman and as well the american culture that sometimes is ok to pay separately if requested without creating an emotional challenge in the other person. (more if you are not merry or really committed.) – i did it just to see how she would react.
She always wanted an specific time – No room for spontaneity … like an agenda.
She told me that i need it psychological help.
She couldn’t explain more than 3 times in less than 3 months more than a few situations.
She was e mailing guys from Match and she told me never saw them in person.
She was getting mad every time i was confronting her.
yes i had my challenges as every human being, i always consider my self a person with a psychological toughness. i star dating this women after two years of taking care of mom because she had a brain stroke ( i didn’t have time, heart or anything for someone else— i was dedicated to mom and still i am).

I am a successful guy, fit, attractive, spiritual, romantic passionate,and very dedicated when it comes to relationships… i still think i am very confident. BUT, i would never thought that even doing the right things i was going to brake the way i did…

After reading a ton of articles, listen to music, talk to a friend i am writing this to acknowledge that no matter how we were blown and blasted into pieces, we all are going to be rebuilt as never before…

Love, there is love inside of YOU and it will be awake, will rise straight to a beauty that never we saw before in ourselves.

Your True Closure is this:

What happened was meant to be for very important reasons….”

There is a lot of truth in what you write and it is a great help in many ways, BUT the portion encapsulated above is maddening. You describe letting go of the illusion that someone or something greater than ourselves is responsible for our state but repeat the assertion that “everything happens for a reason.” It can’t be both. You can’t have that both ways. In the metaphysical sense, the damage done by my narcissist ex-wife was not done “for a reason.” There is no greater plan mapped out somewhere that my pain serves. The only “reason” it happened is because of her condition. The sooner I accepted that it wasn’t part of some greater plan, that it didn’t happen for a reason, the sooner I was able to take control of my own life. THAT is where freedom lies, not in consoling myself with the belief that “everything happens for a reason.” There was no reason. I didn’t deserve what she did. I did deserve better. Our children deserved better. But in a world where no one is watching out for us from on high or anywhere else, things such as these will happen. People will victimize others. We shouldn’t expect it to be any different. And knowing that gives the freedom to shake off the shackles of believing that somewhere, somehow it all makes sense, that there is a reason for our suffering. There isn’t. Period.

This has been brought home to me once more in a stark manner lately. Because we do have children together-though they are now adults-I still have an awareness of what is going on with my ex-wife and occasional interactions with her, even though I would rather not. She recently left her 3rd husband (I was the 1st. We were married for almost 26 years. She has squeezed in 2 more failed marriages in the 8 years since.). He subsequently died (perhaps from an overdose. That is uncertain.). I have seen her milk this for sympathy, going on about how hard it was to bury the man she loved, when in reality she had already moved out and already taken another lover. It reminded me of just how deep her pathology is. At one point I did get many tears and an apology from her but at that time I had no doubt that the tears were for herself and the apology was simply a plea for me to rescue her from the ashes of her second failed marriage. I refused. I knew it wasn’t genuine. She is incapable of genuine. And there is no greater plan served, no “reason” why it all happened. The sooner I reconciled myself to that fact, the sooner I was able to stop insisting that there would someday be a reckoning, that the scales would balance. They don’t balance. Ever. And realizing THAT is the road forward, not rationalizing that it all happened “for a reason.”