Melanie Tonia Evans

Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #10 Christine

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I know many people in this community are driven and very strong individuals.

Many of you are highly intelligent, and independent and led successful lives until your narc abuse experience.

I get emails quite frequently people who say to me “I’m strong capable and independent. How Could this happen to me?”

Understandably it can be very confusing and frustrating,

“If I am capable then why on earth did I get hooked by a narcissist and believe their lies for so long?”

Today I am very happy to share another Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse story with a wonderful woman named Christine who was one of these people.

Christine is a driven woman who has led a successful business career as an academic in the field of health care.

She had a stable upbringing and did not have any dysfunctional relationships before meeting her narc.

She wasn’t needy and didn’t suffer from co-dependency in the traditional sense.

But unfortunately Christine was hooked by a narcissist and suffered for 12 years while she was married to him.

This experience allowed Christine to identify the parts of herself that made her vulnerable to narcissistic abuse, even if she seemed strong and capable on the surface.

Christine’s story illustrates how anyone can be a target for a narcissist until they discover their unhealed wounds and heal them authentically.

I absolutely loved doing this interview and I think you will get a lot out of if you are someone who is having trouble coming to terms with being hooked by an N, even though you have been successful in many other areas of your life.

Click the play button at the top of this article to listen to the interview or you can read the transcript below.

 

Christine your experience regarding narcissistic abuse was not the typical model, such as people who may have come from narcissistic families or from abusive ex-relationships as a pattern.

My N-experience was with a second husband of 12 years, after a 5-year break after my divorce from a non Narc 16 –year marriage.

I have been thinking for a long time about how my story can be an inspiration to others, because I do not come across as a typical victim.

I was not obviously codependent. I didn’t think I had an addictive personality, certainly not in the traditional sense. I always kept my career going, although divorced from a first husband; I am good friends with him. My son, now 32, is a together, well educated, a warm and healthy personality and I did not have any dysfunctional relationships in my life at all. I always tried to work them out, if they did not, I parted company without resentments.

Like many people in this community, which I discovered later, I was not the ‘usual’ model for someone who would be abused.

I was successful in life. I am an academic, widely travelled, internationally connected, well liked and respected, and a career woman in the field of healthcare. I believed I had healthy self-love and self-acceptance.

I read an article in the Huffington Post. It had a self-test for the vulnerability of N-abuse and I scored very low. However, at the end of the test it said: “Even if you score low, mind the Ns out there, it can happen to anyone”.

At the time I really thought that this was my case, it happened to me, not because I was needy, overly codependent or wanting a savior, but rather because I was relatively healthy, together and capable. Exactly what N-supply is made of.

What I was yet to firmly realize that my ‘strengths’ – my mental health and resilience – were in many ways my biggest weaknesses, because they had buried unhealed wounds “six feet under” the base of a seemingly successful life.

 

So how does your story begin Christine?

I met the N online in 1998, I was in Switzerland, he in North America. I was 44, he was 51. We met in person and he was very nice, not too nice, not love bombing, but displaying the same interests as I, opera, art, good restaurants, travel, reading etc.

He did not really like many of those things at all, but he decoded me so well and acted as the perfect Chameleon as you always say, Melanie.

He was “winding down” a successful business he said and had time to spend with me. I went to see him where he lived and in retrospect, there were red flags all over the place, I just did not know.

He had a nasty divorce from his second wife. Later I found out she was his third wife. He had a grown daughter who he was ashamed to tell me about right away, and he was a recovering alcoholic, sober for many years.

He talked about how he had supported others and how he was always taken advantage of.

His youngest son who lived with his mom came over and he was the most spoiled kid in the world, disruptive and antisocial. Today he is 22, a pot-smoker, very lost, and I guess, alcoholic. None of his children really succeeded in life, they are his pawns whom he supports when he has money.

The N persuaded me that he wanted his life back together, to parent his son, pursue his spiritual path and attend AA.

While visiting him where he lived, he had rebuilt his life, had a nice house and knew lots of people. However, inconsistencies showed up, stories he told were not adding up, and one morning I had a strong urge to leave and fly back home immediately.

I remember clearly an intuitive message from deep within: “Get out of here!”

But I did not. It was only later when healing with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program that I unearthed and released the belief that had caused me to ignore this inner voice –  a DNA belief of scarcity which told me to stay because “Who knows, maybe you will not find anybody else ever again”. Because of this inner belief I stayed.

Nine months into the long-distance relationship he proposed marriage and I said that I did not need a husband.

However, deep inside another DNA inner subconscious program was saying “You need a man to be secure in life” This was the voice which said “Oh yes, you do”.

So I agreed, even though I really didn’t feel elated or happy about marrying him. I told him I only do monogamy because he had told me about his previous numerous affairs. He had also asserted that these affairs were in reaction to the ones his ex-wife had.

He had only been divorced for a few weeks and separated less than a year. I found this all a bit soon for him, but my inner insecurities said “Take him” despite something telling me things weren’t quite right once he agreed to be monogamous as well.

Anyway, we married in a small family ceremony, he moved across the Atlantic, I went to work and he was the perfect house husband, cooking, shopping and learning German, attending AA and getting to know my friends. My mother liked him and I was certain that the relationship would work out.

 

What happened after marrying him and living together?

He tried to get his kids to live with us, and they were sent back home, because they were so badly behaved, and he had no parenting skills and set no boundaries. Money was always tight but he did his share in the house and later we built a successful business together.

In 2002 I was diagnosed with a rare rheumatic disease which if it progresses, leads to death quickly. He feigned interest and support at times but never really. I started to keep the experience to myself, all the doctor visits and the uncertainty of the prognosis, and all my friends and family supported me instead of him being there for me.

Today it is in check and stationary, I believe because I worked hard at vibrating acceptance for the disease.

The years between 2003 and 2007 were calmer, I set boundaries about his kids, he complied, spent a year in the US to get some training and some practice in the UK. After a few failed attempts with investors into his planned business I encouraged him to do it on his own and it was successful. I helped him a lot, he never learned the language and thus did not know the ropes in this country, so I got involved and was a major part of the success.

I also paid the bills and did the taxes because he had no idea how to do all this. Life with him was in part exciting, and definitely chaotic but I kept it together.

He was always generous with himself and less toward me. One day, before the business became successful, I told him that I was finding myself fading into the wallpaper, taken for granted. He increased attention and appreciation for me considerably and I thought that he was improving.

Even when I had stated that I was becoming invisible, my inner voice told me that I should not be so demanding and stop nagging. So again, I shut myself up!

I had never realized previously how I had always since a child been making others ‘big’ and keeping ‘small’ and not knowing that I was allowed ‘space’ in life. I denied myself a place in the world as I learned much later when I released those subconscious belief systems whilst doing NARP.

 

When did the cracks in his personality appear badly?

In 2006 he started to smoke again, I had started to monitor his online use because I found internet pornography which I debated with him fiercely, and he denied it or minimized it.

Later, I found out that he had been a sex addict all his life and that he used the AA meetings as N supply, admiration and as a hunting ground for needy females.

This was common knowledge to people within the fellowship, and of course I did not know.

He had applied for dozens of credit cards, filling out the forms incompletely, so when the forms arrived, because I did the mail as well, I confronted him in the beginning and later I just threw them out.

He was never interested where I was travelling to when I had work to do, could not listen for more than 2 minutes about my life etc.

I had this constant feeling of shifting sands, when I told him that I wanted financial conduct done differently, because he also tried to persuade me to cheat people. Then he would accuse me of constantly criticizing him and that he had to walk on eggshells around me at all times.

Today I know that this was just projecting and scapegoating me for his behavior, which is what N’s do.

Christmas 2009 we decided to spend time quietly at home, decorate a tree and watch DVDs. We watched the UK series “Spooks”, a great show about the British secret service and how they uncover crime on a global scale. I did enjoy the dialogues but in retrospect I think I must have started going “mad” already living with the N, because he had tried to persuade me to cheat on taxes, which goes completely against my beliefs, and I never did, but the show gave me the shivers imagining that the tax office would send spies to our house!

I am explaining this because my reality was becoming distorted and not mine any more. I was beginning to become more anxious, fearful and restless, without knowing what was going on with me. I think it was then when I felt ice running through my veins for the first time.

In 2010 we could afford a holiday in Australia, where his daughter lives and we had quite a good time. In 2011 the business picked up so quickly that I persuaded him to appoint a professional accountant and operational manager, because I could not do all the operational work, it was out of my league.

He had brought his son over to a European city to learn the language and study, he rented him an expensive flat, bought him friends by bribing them, playing the generous daddy (narcissistic supply), forged documents to get him into a University and started to spent most of his time there and left me with the running of the business.

I am sure he was seeing prostitutes regularly. He became more and more rude, fiercely critical of me and disengaged and no more available for the business or reason. He started using a fake academic title on the business website and on his business card. He always bought tons of clothes for himself and went into luxury shops pretending to be ultra-rich.

 

Then eventually understandably you cracked. What happened?

In late summer 2011 I had a breakdown and I was suicidal. I had worked tirelessly for the business while he travelled all the time. I wanted to go to a birthday party of a friend and needed the car which I had discussed with him the night before, but he forgot, as always. When I wanted to go he was about to drive a friend to the station and when I protested, he attacked me badly, verbally.

I felt that something in me cracked, literally, and I went to bed and took two sleeping pills. I had completely fallen apart. He travelled and was gone after that, and told my brother and my son, who were with me, doing suicide watch, that I was the problem and that he felt emotionally blackmailed by me. And still, he managed to put all the blame on me and I felt guilty and accepted it, I did not want to lose him. I ended up apologizing for my behavior.

After one week in bed, I went on a holiday into the Austrian mountains for a week to recuperate and then came back and worked like always, day and night.

He was nicer again and we planned another over Christmas stay in Australia. Before that we once had a row and he told me to stay behind for the planned Christmas holiday, which I was prepared to do. At times like this I would fear the marriage was over but told my inner voice to be quiet, because I was sure he could not do without me in the real world.

Then he said I should come and we could have a nice time. I needed a holiday desperately and I went, we rented a house again on the East coast and had Christmas with his daughter’s family there.

For some reason things felt awful and creepy and I had no idea why I was feeling like that. I wracked my brain because on the surface we had a nice holiday. He took off to the gym in the rented car and I heard him open the zipper of his toiletry bag and knew he was popping Viagra.

He went in the car and a few minutes later I called him and asked him if he was on his way to a prostitute, which he denied.

He retaliated by taking his things out of the house, and moved to a hotel only to come back the next day, to admit to it and to blame me. He had been to prostitutes and the local brothel almost daily and had hidden that from me.

I now realized that my premonition of “Something very awful is going to happen” was so true. I felt, like you always say, Melanie, ice shards and black ink running through my veins. I was so shattered and in torment and pain but managed to ask him if he wanted to be unfaithful, why he would not divorce me and get on with his life.

He said, it was his pride and he admires how I deal with the situation and that we can work it out. He had tantrums every day and tossed things around, accused me by the minute and told me, that my son, who he had appointed as the COO of the company, did not work while we were away. I told this to my son and he sent a whole list of what he was doing. I was still trying to do things right, how he demanded them. So often I accepted that I was in the wrong.

Of course I know now his senseless attacks were all retaliation in regard to his wrongdoing.

 

What happened when you returned home?

We came back and I knew I had to get out. I told him I would leave. My brother, who is very close to me and unmarried, offered me refuge in his flat, he was my lifeline.

I still worked in the business and the N’s mask dropped more and more. He was rude to my son, gave inconsistent orders and was away, doing the Sugar Daddy trip with young prostitutes and travelling a lot. He also got a new girlfriend hooked immediately.

I wanted the business to succeed, but told my brother and son and all my friends about his excesses and found a lot of support.

The N managed to persuade my son that it was my entire fault, and when I told my son about addiction and dry drunk syndrome he had reasons to believe that I was the vengeful betrayed wife and that I could not be believed.

So I kept quiet for a few months, suffered, functioned, worked, but avoided contact and one day googled the term dry drunk. I knew that sex addiction can only get worse and I feared to be exposed in the media one day because the business had become high profile.

I wanted a divorce immediately, and to take back my maiden name.

 

When and how did you find my material?

Late May 2012, when googling dry drunk the term narcissist came up and also your website, Melanie.

Everything fell into place then. I was in intense pain, nobody understood me, my brother was helpful but couldn’t understand what I was going through.

My son tried to manage the business and stay neutral, and I feared losing him to the N’s manipulative behavior.

I ordered NARP but was too paralyzed and distracted, well, still utterly in shock, to even start the modules. However, I managed to do number one and the relief was profound. So I booked individual sessions with you, Melanie immediately, because I wanted to speed up the process. I decided I no longer wanted the pain, I wanted to heal.

I got so much relief from NARP and worked it all the time. It was like a miracle. I was in so much pain and would have never believed the fact that our cells do not respond to thinking and mind-strategies, but I experienced it very profoundly. We have a saying in German: “The one who heals is right”, and I knew that NARP was right, I was convinced and trusting that this was the way forward, and it was!

Before doing the healings in NARP and with you Melanie I was tormented. I cried, I wished him cancer, a stroke, murder or an accident. I was ashamed, peptide addicted and had bouts of guilt, thought that if I had only treated his son better everything would have been fine.

Doing NARP I stopped stalking his online activities; I believed what you said, Melanie, that I needed to take full responsibility. It took me some time to understand that taking responsibility did not mean scolding myself and being harshly critical of myself. It meant understanding, loving and healing the unhealed parts that my little inner me, the brown eyed and brunette braided willow like Christine, was storing.

I believed, I had this knowing, without having proof yet, that the N experience was a gift I need to claim. As a supplement to doing the inner shift work I listened to every single radio show. I brainwashed myself with them on every journey, train, car or plane. I went to sleep with your voice and read every entry on your website, every e-book and every newsletter until I had the full picture. This was from June 2012 until February 2013.

I think my greatest reliefs were that I have done nothing wrong, that I needed to take responsibility for myself, that I needed to attend to my inner self, come home to myself and nurture and value myself. Insights like that were all totally new to me and it took me some time to really believe them, “know them” as you always say, Melanie.

I also let go of constantly thinking about him and his new target, or that they are happy and enjoying life and that he would treat her better than me. This was the hardest part, to realize, that there is no safety net in life other than the one I build and maintain for myself. It was frightening but NARP got me through it, I am out the other end of the tunnel, and the light is so bright!

 

Please share the details of your divorce and settlement.

In April 2013 I got my divorce and changed my name, it was like a rebirth. I asked for less than I deserved but I wanted to avoid further battle which I knew would only be nasty and cost a lot of money.

I ended up with the same amount of money I went into the marriage with, so my losses were ok. By this time, because of all the inner work I had been doing with NARP, I had learned to think “abundance”, not scarcity and loss of security. I did strictly no contact, and still do. I changed my mobile number and did not disclose my new address to the N.

My son was fired a few months after he discovered lots of financial misconduct in the company, criminal intent and catastrophic decision making besides smear campaigning against me and the N playing games about the divorce agreement.

 

What does your life look like now post narcissistic abuse?

My son and I have founded a new company together and have been working hard to get it off the ground by doing honest and professional work.

We are as close as we have ever been, and he is also thankful for the N experience, as the business world is full of them. He has learned his lesson too, mainly how easy it is to get lured by a N.

Since February 2013 I have been on a vacation in the warm sun during winter, went to a spiritual retreat in the US and did the FOO and self-empowerment e-course after NARP and I joined my sister and her grown children on a US trip in summer.

We had a great time and I was back into the fabric of my family.

It was still a surprise to learn how much they love and respect me and how important I am as a beacon in my son’s life. It never occurred to me earlier. Before working on my inner self and claiming my own value and worthiness, I truly couldn’t ‘feel’ or ‘know’ this.

I still listen to every radio show and read every line you publish, Melanie. I am planning to publish a book in German about the nature and prevention of N-abuse, because there is nothing on the market and the awareness in therapeutic and court-circles is minimal.

I am back writing my PhD part-time. I do consulting work internationally, contribute to the business of my son and teach part time at a University and I am now optimistic I can do it, I can function again. Previously I couldn’t even get out of bed or brush my teeth.

I am again part of the world and in a much healthier and more empowered way than I ever was previously. I have regained some of the 12 kg in weight I had lost and I look good for my age (59). Next year, when I turn 60, I decided to go grey, let my hair be its natural grey, even if people say women become invisible if grey. I believe it will command my authentic place in the world and show my true colors in every sense.

I had a bad flu in January 2013 despite an annual flu shot, I was too down and depleted to build up immune antibodies. After the flu I was disgusted by meat and fish and turned vegan. I had to attend cookery courses in order to avoid malnourishment and now I am doing fine. I am quite accomplished now and all my meat eater friends love what I serve them.

I have become a messenger about N abuse to everyone who wants to listen and I spot Ns right away.

 

What are the profound inner gifts you have received in regard to your personal evolution?

What have I learned through this process? Life showed me my unhealed parts, which I needed to heal. My main problem was the complete underestimation and undervaluation of my talents, gifts, abilities and intellect. I kept myself little and self-sabotaged, despite being successful, success always entailed hard work, and life was never easy for me.

My next problem was that I was much too strong, I was convinced that bad things happen to other people, not to me, because I did everything right.

I lived in my head, completely. As you once said to me, Melanie, I was over functioning. I was so relieved that I finally understood that. And yes, I had some codependency issues, and they were enough to seek external validation in order to try to soothe my inner child.

My greatest inner wounds, due to childhood experiences, was that I systematically and constantly undervalued myself.

So I fell prey to an N who wanted a “together” life, because I was convinced, I had one, which was probably true by normal standards. My best friend once hinted at me that she thought he exploited me.

I listened to her but found no evidence in my perception of my life. I didn’t realize until later that I was simply playing out my unhealed parts, so I dismissed her claim. Now I can see it all so clearly.

Today people tell me that they knew he was some sort of a con man, a bragger and talker, but they respected him out of respect for me, because they valued me a lot. I had made him my “part time god” which I worshipped, despite living on shifting sand, checking his mails and his website use, taking control over the finances and being instrumental in building the business.

I left him before I was discarded, I did never go back, and I am proud I upheld some boundaries with his children, finances and continued with my work and I managed not to loose one friend or family member over him.

Actually the relationships in my life are now so much more connected as a result of me being narcissistically abused.

I have become more anchored in my body, more in touch with who I am, what I feel and what I need, more authentic, more vulnerable, more real with people, and they in turn have connected more deeply, intimately and truthfully with me. I talk openly about myself and what I learned, not about him any longer.

And I think I had, like almost every woman, a deep seated fear of abandonment. I did not want to live alone although I felt happier during the past years when I travelled on my own, with business contacts and with friends and family.

I think, apart from that insidious inner program, it was peptide addiction, which pulled me back to him, or, more precise, to the original image and behavior of him, which of course, was never real.

I now consider my good memories of the time with the N as my own, which were good not because of him but despite of him, because I made them good. I now own my past to the fullest.

I want to remain part of the online thriver group and help newcomers. I consider myself a senior-thriver and I am open to the wisdom and experience of others.

I will get the book off the ground in the near future and my outlook onto life has changed to one of “infinite possibilities” as Deepak Chopra puts it.

I believe in myself now and I do not regret that I wasted years with the N, actually, it was a tremendous learning experience.

My son got married a few weeks ago and I have now a lovely daughter in my life as well, and I feel much more prepared to deal with life in life terms because I know that the creation of it is mine, it’s all up to my vibrational level.

I am filled with deep gratitude that I found you and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, the community and first and foremost, myself.

I am no longer afraid what he will be doing next. I have a lawyer who communicates with him about some company shares which he denies I possess. I sometimes have little attacks of anxiety about the future or finances but I can support myself through my heart quickly, allow myself to be vulnerable, consult others, seek help, and talk about my feelings and the anxiety disappears. These are all skills that the old me didn’t used to employ.

I am able to stop my inner critic, my harsh self-talk has disappeared and I allow myself more vulnerability. I lost my drive to ‘be perfect’. I have never lost belief in humanity and I trust people, like I always did – and I now take responsibility that I can generate my own healthy boundaries, speak up and look after myself.

I have learned to value my healthy parts, my good nature and my abilities.

I allow myself breaks, weekends and evenings off, doing nothing, pottering in my little garden, cooking and baking.

These are things I stopped doing during the life with the N. I keep in contact with my family and friends and many of my professional contacts internationally, who have also become friends.

 

What is the message you would dearly like to share with others Christine?

All in all, I am truly a thriver thanks to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). I have no idea where I would be without it. I have always been a “clever girl” and proud of my intellect but I was also totally in my head. Without having done the NARP process of feeling into, naming and identifying my emotions and shifting my consciousness at that level, I know I wouldn’t have recovered. I am absolutely certain about that.

It is so important that if you are trying to heal logically, that you understand the journey of recovery truly works through your emotional claiming and not through your mind. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program shows you how to do that.

As a health professional I also realized with other people, that trying to heal from abuse without the deeper inner consciousness shifts, it takes so much longer and / or is barely effective. I also found when I talk to people about cellular beliefs that they do pay attention. I am always telling people about your website, Melanie.

Also, I am a reminder that indeed, N abuse can happen to people who may not think they are a candidate for being abused, and have never seen abuse in their life before. These are the main messages I want to bring across to anyone listening.

 

I hope you enjoyed Christine’s story, and I am sure many people will be able to relate to it. I certainly also know what it was like to previously live totally in ‘my head’ and always be striving to ‘perform’ in life.

Christine and myself will be very happy to answer any comments or questions you may have!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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44 Thoughts on Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #10 Christine
  • krootes@bigpond.com'
    Karen
    November 7, 2013

    I can totally relate to Christine’s story. Before the narc experience, I also was a very strong independent woman who had a very happy and loving childhood (one of nine children). I also put everyone ahead of me and thought I was not good enough – not sure why we do this though!!

    I just want to say thanks for sharing your experience and yes Mel is a great support for all of us.

    Hopefully I will be as strong as you one day – hopefully sooner than later.

    Good luck!

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Hi Karen, it was a pleasure sharing my story. I think sometimes of myself as a specifically “difficult” case of N abuse, because I was so strong and it took a long time until I cracked. Thanks to Mel we all find the help we need to truly thrive and help others to do the same. So don’t try and be as strong as me one day, it might not be the right way! Are you doing NARP? It will help you to become true to yourself, authentic and self-valuing, the only true way forward.

  • nakuruhike@gmail.com'
    Marion Campbell
    November 7, 2013

    I discovered you online about 6 months ago, realised I was a narc victim but didn’t want to accept it. Christine’s story has helped me to get back on track. My narc experience took me down roads I never thought I’d travel, sex addiction and drug abuse, neglect and no compassion. I nearly lost my mind and broke up with him last Jan, but have spent the past few months (until this moment) trying to get him back! It’s very complicated – but Christine’s experience is too – and I realise that any relationship with a narc is bound to be super-complicated. Because that is the web they weave and I have been trapped in it up to my neck. I have given this man everything I had and now find myself once again having to move house because I can’t afford the rent (luckily through a cousin I have found a nice place for my 11 year old son and I) but of course he is totally disinterested! Of course he is! Time to move on. I am determined he will no longer be part of my life but know that I am currently very weak. How can I get the help I need through you? How much is it and how do I sign up?

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Dear Marion, your story is another textbook narc-abuse story which destroys so many lives. You seem ready to take responsibility and move on, it is futile and a potential death sentence trying to get him back as you experienced yourself. Please buy NARP from Melanie, it costs very little, installments are possible and if you cannot even pay for them, there is a sponsorship scheme in place, where others have donated to finance others in dire need. After you have recovered and you thrive and I know you will, you can always pay it back, in installments for the next one in need. Together we can help you thrive. Big hug.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Marion,

      thank you for your post, and it is very usual to still feel hooked, addicted and trauma bonded to the narcissist.

      This is wonderful that you are determined to transform yourself and this excruciating pain and attachment.

      The most powerful way for you to start working on yourself, healing and unhooking from this is far and away the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

      On the Program you get automatic email support with me, where I hold your hand through the process if you require my additional help.

      Here are the details here, and it is very, very affordable. There are also payment options.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    November 7, 2013

    I know what that never ending chaos and accusations feel like. My N also had me believing that I was the cause of everything bad on this planet. I accepted the blame and the guilt. Being an emapath, I never recall feeling love from her, but I accepted her “act” as genuine. I was confused because the only emotions coming from her psyche were self righteousness and resentment. I could not figure out why she always had resentment towards me and others. I tried my very best to please her, but as time went on I began thinking of her as the “grudge master”.

    I now understand what she was doing. She learned to use the resentment and guilt to control me, to keep me producing narcissistic supply. Towards the end of HER 22 year marriage I stopped caring to please her. I finally got it through my head that there was nothing I could do to please her; I mean if I was Jesus Christ and fed the 5000 she would blame me because I didn’t give the people cake and ice cream.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Hi Stephen, thanks for your comment. I think there is a great need out there to help men as well, they tend to suffer much more in silence because being male means being strong, one of our male thrivers said on the Facebook-recovery group. Melanie has a section on her website about men who are being narcissistically abused. You describe the female narc vividly, I found the Jesus Christ analogy hilarious and so precise, it hits the core of what n-abuse is all about, it is truly mind bending. If you are not already doing NARP, may I recommend it to you? There is life and thriving on the other side of the tunnel. Christine.

    • ethnogruves@gmail.com'
      greg
      November 8, 2013

      Stephen, I agree with you. As a male, it is not thought that we are victims many times to N women. but…all you say is true. I would like to hear more about N women, only because there is a different affect that hits the ‘male’ ego or sense of self. One big one is the myth that men don’t need to hear affirmation about a woman’s feelings toward them….as you say “you never felt love from her,” is SOOOOOOOO true. Although it seems to be against all that is “male” to require or appear weak and not “ask” or “admit” to need this, WE DO! and WE SHOULD. any love relationship should freely and WANT TO declare and show love for the other. I never received this. She was always the focus of my “loving” attention. Though I have had no contact for some time now, I still drift into thinking about why I would not be shown that love and wonder if it was something with me….which is INCORRECT. then, I have to snap out of it. It is a long process. I would suggest that if women N is a problem for you – look into the book Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers… although you are not a Daughter, it does describe what I have found to be true: my mother was a N and that was my upbringing relationship

      • cmerzeder@me.com'
        Christine
        November 8, 2013

        Hi Greg, you are right. Please see my reply to Eduardo further down. Have you ever tried NARP? It helps you heal.

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    November 7, 2013

    Another great survival story and we all bless Mel. The thing for me is that the whole relationship we are having with these people is a total illusion, nothing was real and their love bombing and lies where just so they can get their addiction of admiration, the WOW factor met. They sleep well of a night, seem content for a while being a mimic, loving what you love and do. They move on without any thought of an explanation so you get no closure, pick up the next person who they don’t even know and start another life with a stranger and the circle never changes. They look happy enough while we all are losing weight, falling apart and spend months if not years getting through the mental torture. Thanks to (Narp that’s relieves the pain so much)But what do they suffer, an addiction to get admired, what does that cause anxiety or depression or one day exhaustion from looking for any person to prey on. They don’t seem to ever have any trouble picking someone else up as they look for people who are vulnerable. There suffering doesn’t ever look like ours, that’s what I can’t see or deal with, as I’m not seeing my bloody Narc suffer. I would never go back and I look forward to my new future with out the person that almost destroyed me. Cheers

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Hi Jan, you are right, narcs a a total illusion, completely fake. But I can assure you, they suffer from anxiety, paranoia and panic, they are driven to get supply and never let it run out and yes, they are cruel enough to watch us die slowly and in agony. This knowledge used to help me a lot in the beginning of my NARP journey, but now I am totally neutral, the only person I can change is myself and I did that. It is so wonderful to accept, let go of negativity and discover our inner selves, worthiness and the life we can co-create.

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    November 7, 2013

    These types of people should be spoken about, there should be articles in all major newspapers saying ‘ Are you being Narcissistic Abused’ does your partners show these traits, if so this is what your in for etc etc. I had never heard of people like this, I may have had things to address within myself and ok I’m grateful for being shown this, but did it have to be so cruel. Do all the partners have to be destroyed in their wake. There are going to be more now than ever as kids of today are having sexual hook-ups at a very early age and they don’t even know the partners name. They have no respect, they don’t know anything about the Ten Commandments, these kids are full of hate and anger – what are we breeding in today society and what are we doing about it.
    I tell everyone who wants to listen and I try when possible to spread the word. We all need to get together and make our awareness strong and listen too. We should be a force to be reckoned with, not reading this great stuff and doing nothing.
    Head it up Mel your the closest thing to God I know, and all your disciples will follow you, lets become an army of people to stop these cruelest individuals who are the closest thing to evil I know.
    Blessings to all.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Jan, you are right, there needs to be more awareness and prevention. I see myself as a part in the movement to do exactly that. Mel’s work is of huge influence and I am sure it will grow. Wait until she is on TV or on a TED talk, it will go viral. What are you planning to do?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Jan,

      thank you for your lovely comment, but please know I have no aspirations to be a ‘guru’ with followers…

      My true passion and mission is to assist us all to find our Source within, to become that loved, love, and beloved to ourselves connected beautifully and healthily to life.

      My purpose 100% is to help people come back to themselves, to be the impetus for them – so that there is no dependence on me…

      Then we can all be a healthy interdependent source together assisting ourselves and others.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • catherinerosa@icoud.com'
    catherine
    November 7, 2013

    I love what your said about undervaluing yourself on levels. I am finding this is my truth too. I’m finding that too be a massive break through for me, and it really prevents me from settling for crap. Standing in your light. Thank you for putting that in words, it sure helps when others sit up and say the same thing, its like a beautiful confirmation…yes…this is the way!

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Hi Catherine, yes, we need to confirm the possibility of growth in others. I find it to be my mission to address self worth when I am with younger people and I catch their negative self talk or self criticism, I point out to them that life is to short to try and be perfect, because they already are! I find myself listened to intently, I so wished someone had said that to me 45 years ago. If all thrivers did that, I think we could be of huge help to young women and men.

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    November 7, 2013

    Hi Christine, I agree with everything I read and listen to and do regarding recovery I have everything Mel has put on her website she save me from myself. I do work on myself and changing the way I think (my whole belief systems etc) everyday. I know they feel panic etc but what I’m doing now is opening my little farm up which has magic views of surrounding mountains, a huge lake and valley’s I am a counsellor so I hope I can help other people through their anxieties and pain. I support Mels work and recommend her wedsite to everyone and the Narp program I will do anything to help other people. I would like to see more awareness of this cruel personality disorder t recognise when the red flags go up. But if your not aware of their love bombing and lies and deception you just get sucked in, then its to late. My narc is on a crusade of destroying families here in Tasmania and when little kids are involved its so sad. Especially the attractive ones whom seem to manipulate everyone who comes in contact with them. Good on Mel I hope she gets on every TV program she can and get the message out. We all have a story about our relationships with our Narc, and we have all been brought to our knees, now lets stand up together and do something together. Cheers

  • etercia@yahoo.com'
    Tercia
    November 7, 2013

    Hi Mel I just want to say thank you. Reading your post and stories help me to get out of my marriage. I know that I need to do the NARP to be able to truly recover but I am still working on getting my finances to improve. I truly believe in it. I understand myself more sins I discovered our website. I know now that I am not the problem but need to heal myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Tercia,

      you are so welcome!

      I am so pleased my material has helped you get out of your marriage.

      This is wonderful that you know and have anchored into the reality for all us – that our liberation means that we need to heal ourselves.

      Mel xo

  • T.cornell@shaw.ca'
    Terri
    November 7, 2013

    Hi, found that this story hit home for me. I considered myself strong and independent when my n came into mylife very shortly after his first wife had left. Took care of him , stood beside him and defended him while he continuously created unhealthy drama. This went on for sentence years. Then he cheated on me , by then we had a child with a serious heart condition and I was no longer the person I was . I got him out of the house after he assaulted me and had no contact for a year. The problem is right now , I have dropped the no contact and it’s been a nightmare ever since. He wants me back and I feel torn in half . He has also in the meantime had a baby with another woman that he knocked up a month after I kicked him out. Yes this is my crazy life. Help

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 7, 2013

      Hi Terri, now it is the time to take responsibility for your own life and wellbeing. Dropping no contact is like your consent to self-annihilation. I recommend you watch Melanie’s videos on YouTube so you can understand peptide addiction and after that, purchase NARP, the narcissistic abuse recovery program. Do the work, Terri and everything will get better soon. What I learned through the whole process is that in the most dire of situation, we always have a choice. Nobody else than you can act on the choice you make. A great support group comes with NARP and I had so much benefit from it. We will welcome you warmly into it.

  • eduardo@startspace.co.uk'
    Eduardo
    November 8, 2013

    Hello Christine, your story is truly beautiful and I am so glad you own it now. Like yourself, I was also abused and share so many things in common in regards to the way your relationship with your N ex-partner/husband was conducted: they all seem so similar to everybody’s Narcissism Abuse, but let me tell you something, when you say every woman fear being alone that is not true, we all have that one way or another, but that is not why we should be in a relationship. I am gay and when I have confronted my ex N he would say ‘but all gays are Narcissists’ (you just have to read the Portrait of Dorian Grey to make understand it), Narcs come in all shapes: I have straight man who have recently been abused by their former female partners. What I really mean to say is that Narcs come in any shape, form, nationality, gender, etc just as much their victims do as you have shown yourself and I think your book will be a great gift to humanity. Much love, Eduardo

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Eduardo, thanks for your reply. Indeed, I can only speak from a female point of view, but Ns come in all shapes and sizes. I have a few really close gay friends (both genders) who are supportive, empathic and truly non-N. But you give me an idea, I need to put into my book the perspectives of men (hetero) and gay males and females, I will probably then post a “call for chapters”, because I have no expertise here, but it will truly complete the N-abuse-prevention picture.Thanks so much for writing.

  • deenisej@gmail.com'
    Denise
    November 8, 2013

    Thank you Christina for sharing your story and having the courage to step away from the abuse. I can personally relate to you in every respect. I, also, had 12 years of this experience of never fully honouring myself first and foremost. I too, also never had experienced this kind of person, came from a well-loved, together family, and was successful. After understanding narcissism, did I know of how many people out there carry these traits. But now that I know to listen to my inner voice and follow through, am I able to set positive boundaries so I don’t fall victim ever again. I am a single mom with a son now and thought my life was over. Yet now, I am excited and curious about what’s around the next corner. I thought I was never able to feel that feeling again. I am easing off at jumping at “his every move” and looking after me. When I do this, I find it easier to not let him enter into my zone of living. Yes, they are criminals in my mind. Yes, they don’t deserve life, but in reality, they will never ever experience real life. They will always just go around and around in their little, unconscious state and feed off of others who fall prey to fulfill their needs (supply). The power of attraction is exactly how narcs operate. Everyone else out there, just needs to be educated more and I applaud you for trying to make a change. You are correct, the law does not define narcissism in a way it should when it comes to family court. But I think the abuse movement is gaining some ground and through even more public cases worldwide. I say, keep them caught and soon the laws will follow. So thank you for writing and sharing your story.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Denise, thanks for your kind words. I think all thrivers share their stories in order to assist others to heal and to become more aware of the Ns out there in the world. I am sure that we can achieve this goal together. I am happy that you were able to leave the situation and your life sounds blissful as well.

  • mp.global@yahoo.com'
    melinda
    November 8, 2013

    Thank you Christine – utterly Wonderful!!! xxx

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 11, 2013

      Thanks Melinda for your nice reply. I do hope my story will help many others among us.

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    November 8, 2013

    Hello Christine and Melanie,

    Thanks for another great recovery story. They are always soooo encouraging!

    I am a very trusting person, so I believed everything my x-N told me. Only once did I ever question his honesty, when I asked if anyone but me ever had issues with his rage and anger. He said absolutely NO. His own son , and later his ex-wife would later tell me otherwise.

    But now, after hearing your story and Mel’s comments about how they horrendously project their shameful feelings onto us, totally blaming us for things we simply didn’t do, I now wonder if he really was a pathological liar and deceiver. (I had no reason to believe he was because he was such a “model Christian” in our church and community).

    The mask came off in living color after about a year into our relationship when he accused me (in a brutal, raging tirade) of “wronging'”, and “deceiving”, and “lying” to him because I went on an antidepressant without consulting him first. ( Christine, I also was beaten down, confused and suicidal and was literally hanging by a thread emotionally after being gaslighted and made to feel everything was my fault).

    Now I’m wondering if he was projecting so violently on me because subconsciously knew that HE was an actual liar. It was such an absolute CRAZY-making ordeal.

    What do you think?

    Again, thank you for your vulnerabilty in sharing your story. You have such a beautiful voice and a lovely spirit.

    Patti

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      you are so very welcome 🙂

      Most definitely if someone is wrongly and continually accusing you of ‘things’ including pathological lying – that person is projecting point blank the disowned parts of themself.

      All narcissists are pathological liars – it is an unfortunate side-effect of having created a False Self – a mirage of his or her self-identity which is a false construction.

      Narcissists are first and foremost dishonest to themselves and that then is broadcast out into their lives with zero accountability.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    November 10, 2013

    Remarkable timing this is. I am right inside this issue of undervaluing myself, which on the outside looks like an utter contradiction. I have many talents, have won many awards, and accomplished many things. Yet here I sit, broke. Somtimes I think I am hooked on feeling like a loser.I am responsible for that. It is a reflection of how little I value my contributions to life and the world.But this is not where the story ends, thank God. The pain of it is motivating me to walk deeper into and release more garbage so that my outer world will be alignment with the inner more real me. I am afraid of that on some level, and have clung to my insecurites for my security….how ironic. Who will I be on the other side of letting go is scarey, but slowly, less so. I pray daily for the courage to be fully responsible for the outcome of my decisions and behaviour. My happiness and joy is mine to claim and my motivations, from the productive to the destructive must be faced in truth for me to know myself truly. I guess I am falling in love with truth at all costs in a more gentle way….I have needed gobs of self-compassion. But also , lots of courage to face what is true. These are my steps towards greater integrity.

    • julietyp@bellsouth.net'
      Julie
      November 10, 2013

      “I am falling in love with truth at all costs…”

      I love this statement, Ruth!

      • cmerzeder@me.com'
        Christine
        November 10, 2013

        Hi Ruth, thanks for your post. I always love when people contribute their wisdom from the N-abuse experience with laser sharp comments like yours: “clung to my insecurites for my security”. So true, I did the same. I can tell you that “the other side” is not scary at all, it is full of color and bliss! NARP got me there quicker and safer. All the best to you.

        • Claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
          Ruth
          November 11, 2013

          Thank you

  • julietyp@bellsouth.net'
    Julie
    November 10, 2013

    OMG, Christine, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. May I just say that I think, no I KNOW, that you have just saved me from going through a similar nightmare?

    I have been successfully divorced from my first husband, a N, for some time now, and have been feeling strong and capable. Recently a man has been “courting” me (although we haven’t gone out) and he shares so many of the red flags that your second husband did. He is a life long alcoholic and drug addict, sex addict and married and divorced 3 times. I have found myself rationalizing away the things that are scary about him: “Well, he’s sober now. He’s trying to work on himself. I MIGHT NOT FIND ANYBODY ELSE AT MY AGE”. etc., etc.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story to open my eyes. I am going to google “dry drunk” immediately after posting this. I am curious, Christine and Melanie, do you think a lifetime of addiction is always a red flag, or can it truly be overcome?

    Thank you!!

  • cmerzeder@me.com'
    Christine
    November 10, 2013

    Hi Julie, I am so happy my story is of help, like many other thriver stories were to me. My personal experience is, that people can recovery from addiction if they do the work. I assume that many alcoholics are Ns, because they medicate their inner torment with alcohol. In an open AA meeting a fellow once said that alcoholics have an inflated ego and low self esteem. I person who has a combination of numerous divorces and multiple addictions has definitely a much worse if not dire prognosis, because he is a Narc. So I agree, this is a giant red flag. Sam Vaknin says, if you notice this, run………..I did not, but now I know better and so do you. All the best to you. I am also looking forward to a comment from Mel, she knows much more than I do.

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    November 11, 2013

    Hi Christine. Just read your story now and I could relate to a lot of your story. I had a lot of ‘Aha!’ moments as I read what you went through. Like you, I am a professional, independent woman with my own home and lived on my own for many years whilst I raised my daughter. Her dad is a N but at that time, there was no information about N at all. I do remember saying at the time that I did not know that people like my ex existed. It is only as I got involved with my ex-boyfriend, that I realised that there were similarities between him and my ex and then I found Melanie’s site and suddenly what I was going through started to make sense. The relationship only lasted for a year and a half and I have realised that because he was so helpless in running his day to day life, that I was instrumental in helping him keep it together. I remember thinking how like having my daughter in my home it was with him there. I never let him live with me and I never changed a thing about my life and lived it like I always did. The only difference is that I included him in my plans. In retrospect, I realise that everything was about his life and me helping him with what he needed. I can remember helping him with his tax return. I was doing the work whilst he was just sitting there enjoying playing the guitar. My first day of holidays last Christmas had the entire morning taken up with his mess created by not organising to pay his rent. For me, I think that I just saw what I did as helping him. It is only now that I see that every part of our relationship was about his needs and never mine. I have clear boundaries that he cannot violate and now his true self is very evident and I can see that everything for him is about supply and that is all I was to him for the duration of the relationship. I have not really suffered financially and am so glad to have him out of my home completely. I got tired of feeling sick and tired and resentful at his lack of contribution. The time came when I felt myself disintegrating and knew that if I did not do something quickly, I would descend into a morass that I may not escape. That was really scary. I am working the modules on NARP and have uncovered a lot of old childhood beliefs and feelings to work through. Hopefully, I will never attract another N and I will continue to have a wonderful life that I create myself. Good in you for getting out and reclaiming your life.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      November 12, 2013

      Hi Suzanne, your account shows how exhausting the life with a N is and how quickly we accept this behavior as normal. It still puzzles me how far decency can be stretched. Thanks for your story and all the best to you, fellow member of the thrive club.

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    November 13, 2013

    I have a bit of an awkward question. Wondering if anyone else here has noticed a link between staying in a narcissistic relationship and sadomasochism? I know this is dark subject matter, but I have been seeing a connection between being hooked in to pain/approval and my childhood, as the set up for my marriage choice. This is a set up for fear based, non-intimate relating, which is shifting radically as I grow in awareness.

  • cmerzeder@me.com'
    Christine
    November 13, 2013

    Hi Ruth, you are asking an interesting question but I have neither knowledge nor experience with Sadomasochism. I hope that Melanie can respond to this question, which is not awkward but worth answering. I find it encouraging that you seem to be getting away from your fear based relationship. All the best to you.

    • 7b1u0zz1st@mail.com'
      Sonny
      November 8, 2016

      This could not poilbssy have been more helpful!

    • n7s2708p@yahoo.com'
      mobage coin generator download
      May 9, 2017

      I have done some weaving/braiding with clay. Just a medium grog clay. I believe the key is in the moisture level. Too wet and it will stretch and break, too dry and forget about it. Find the right moisture and be gentle.

  • Claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    November 14, 2013

    Thanks Christine . I also want to clarify that the implications are sexual but I actually see the issue in the whole win loose, inequality, dominance,submission dynamic that I found in general. My needs to feel safe meant I submitted to how my ex thought I should be….I am seeing lots of ways where there were trade offs which over time turned into deeply painful compromises.my idol was security or the illusion of such. Pain has made me feel alive and ashamed all at once. Now the journey is to feel alive without needing the pain to fuel it. There is an interesting book on this called the triumphant victim that gets at these origins and breaking patterns. I have been having bodily releases in the form of shudders as the pain is being released.

  • annettesfashions@gmail.com'
    Annette Mann
    January 22, 2017

    I’m just after reading this letter from Christine,OMG,I can’t believe I spent 13yrs with a narc.In early recovery I met the man of my dreams,an educated professional man,in the process of divorcing his wife,all my birthday’s came together.He lovebombed me, 20 calls a day, holidays the lot.He had no relationship with his four children his wife had turned them against him!I felt so sorry for him an only child,I involved him in my whole family,I have one child myself and he never liked him.i can’t remember exactly when the disappearing started,at first I thought he was just acting spoilt,he would stop ringing and completely disappear for weeks at a time, something always happened and he would appear back.My Mom died last year and he appeared on the day she died telling me he would never hurt me again, something didn’t feel right and I found it very hard to feel close to him.So we decided to try again spending every Sunday together,I felt like a prostitude we always ended up having sex and then he would go home.We did,by live together but, always went to functions together and were together.We never fought I was always afraid he,D finally leave me so,I put up with the tension and had to go on anti depressants to relieve my depression.i walked on eggshells around him,he sometimes had a terribly evil expression on his face like,he hated me.Anyway,we had a few childish words and he disappeared,heard nothing from him for three months,only to get a call from his mother,whom I loved and,I know she loved me to tell me he had another woman,I nearly died,I never thought about another woman.I am a strong independent woman with a very successful business,very well
    Kept and very slim,so I thought I’d he’d never have reading leave me,how silly, within a w eek of meeting this new woman he got engagedee is twenty years younger than me,is a big drinker and good-looking,I’m devastated,all of a sudden she is cooking for him, having his mom for dinner and a great relationship with his children.He had his harem within A.A. and constantly had his ego stroked,I’m attending a therapist and it was him that told me I was with a narc,I can’t believe i didn’t see this,I’m devastated I’m broken and completely helpless.Where did I go wrong?

  • annettesfashions@gmail.com'
    Annette Mann
    January 22, 2017

    Please get mysecond name off the message

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