Hi Anne,

I know what you’re going through. I’ve endured 7 post divorce hearings and had to represent myself because I can no longer afford my attorney. We always appear before Ns colleagues in his small hometown…there’s no one else.
Several things happened.
1. I had to pull myself together. Even though I’m an attorney, I haven’t practiced in a long time and I cried in open court. N spun unbelievable tales and lies. I was hysterically defending myself. It was bad.
So, I worked hard on the shifts. Especially, “Remember who you are. You’ve just forgotten.” That’s KEY because your light still shines inside of you.
2. I had to learn that I’m not dealing with a rational person. Mel discusses this all the time. But you have got to believe it. There’s a book called, “Splitting,” which discussed how to deal with a N.
3. This is essential: you’ve got to bring as much proof as you can. Google his property for values. Screenshot his mean or manipulative texts. This is the ONLY thing that worked in a court giving N every benefit of the doubt. Your natural inclination is to take half the blame; to mediate. But N won’t take any blame and in court, concessions are admissions.
4. Don’t throw mud but state the facts. This is tricky and I used Mel’s modules to get rid if emotional stuff. The courtroom isn’t therapy! The judges must rule on the bit they’ve heard. If judges often rotate (they do here), it’s like starting over each time. You’ve got to summarize today’s issue. If cheating or other emotional stuff is at issue, state it plainly. “Ns intimate relationship with his secretary is inappropriate around our children and psychologically harms them.” Practice this at home so you don’t cry and get distracted.
5. The man you thought you married isn’t the man you’re in court against. He’s gone and you’ve got to stick up for yourself. An N who abuses the legal system will try to take everything from you. Please do the shifts to get strong for yourself and your kids.
Xo Jill

Hi Anne,

It is so true that we are very fortunate to be in a community who know EXACTLY what the crazy making is / was! You are so right that people who haven’t experienced it really can’t comprehend it – because there is nothing “normal” about it!

In regard to ongoing litigation the most powerful orientation is always “inside first” to up-level all the feelings of being attacked, ruined, victimized, powerless and helpless.

It is this orientation that is the same for everything in our life where we are struggling, and where life is not opening up yet, with solutions, reform and transformation.

This is naturally a huge challenge when “what is” is so destructive.

However, without exception, it is the people who can up-level the triggers that experience the space, reform and solutions appearing.

When we get the breaking free happening on the inside, the outside MOST reproduce that – it is Universal Law.

Then all else can follow – because we are tapped into the almighty resources of “life” to assist. When in negative emotion still, we are snapped off from these synchronicities and we are on our own. We are separated from these mechanics.

There is no amount of “doing” in reaction that can make up for the infinite power of response that emerges from tending our “being” first.

I hope this helps.

Mel xo

Thanks for that one! Jill, there are so many things you said that made me nod, half smile and shake my head for having thought exactly the same thing. The most striking to me is when you said what a relief it was to discover others who have experience with NARCs because its so difficult and exhausting to explain all the instances of craziness that happen with one of these specimens… I also ended up realizing that I am the one who ends up sounding like a lunatic when I try to explain what he is (especially if someone has experienced his charming, knight-in-shining-armour version and nothing else…)

But it sounds like you’ve been separated for a long time and the litigation drama continues (you said filing applications every 6 weeks?!) Of course I have done the modules and like you came such a very long way (thank you Melanie! 🙂 to recover my joy and my life. But the litigation and the drama continues unabated and is financially ruining me. We have yet to get to our final trial and I wonder if you have any pointers on how to get across to the court/judge what he is without just sounding like a lunatic/spiteful ex. I no longer feel a need to show him (or the world) the ‘truth’ of what happened and what he is… but it appears that I do need to convince the courts to the extent that I need them to let me keep the parenting order I have (he has bi-weekly weekend access, but of course wants 50/50 even though it was always all up to me to take care of the kids and yes, cook, clean, pay the bills, buy the car, etc.. same story I have heard over and over around here 🙂

Thank you for sharing and congratulations on your fabulous and amazing work on taking care of yourself and your kids. They are very fortunate to have you as a mom! 🙂

I have always had low self-esteem due to having Juvenile Rheumatoid arthritis since I was 4 years old ad well as being raised by a N mother. This low self-esteem is where I operated from all my life. I tried to overachieve early in life, and succeeded for years. Then I married a N, had 2 children, quit my job to stay home with them, and my health tanked. I developed Fibromyalgia and severe anxiety and depression.

It was only by God’s grace ad well as a great support system that I was able to get out of my marriage. Unfortunately, I have chosen 2 more N dating relationships since then. I obviously still feel very unworthy and unlovable. The last guy I dated I actually apologized to him for having JRA and told him I didn’t want to hold him back! Can you believe that?? As an N, he used that weakness to his advantage and told me exactly what I wanted to hear. My family thought he was so compassionate. Very little time passed before he started belittling those with “invisible illnesses” and people who receive disability or government assistance. He was indirectly belittling me.

Those of us with chronic illness face an extra high hurdle in the self-esteem department. Then we also can face difficulty in leaving once we realize our situation is toxic. I am so thankful you shared your story, Jill! It was so encouraging!

Hi Martha

I know how it feels to feel full of despair! I’m just now learning to be good to myself. Mel would be more helpful with specific instructions, but for me, I had to focus on ine area at a time. Like… shifts for finances, different shifts for friendships/isolation, different shifts for my kids. The main thing I learned is being trapped is a perception and it can be changed. I thought I was trapped and was helpless. But, I wasn’t. I’m still digging out and plan to be a full-fledged thriver!!!
Xo
Jill

Thank you Aimee!

That’s an enormous compliment because I feel that way when I listen to others’ stories. Please know you’re not alone. I’m right there with you!

Jill

I cannot wait to hear part 2!!

MUCH LOVE to you!