Hi, I really hope that since then you have healed and or are still on your journey. I have the blender brain as well and probably a lot more other things that I am working on. I didn’t even know there was such a term until I came across this article. I was sitting here trying to write a song, a friend sent me a beat I think yesterday and said “I know you’ll kill this!!”, she made it herself. So yes, I am listening to it today and trying to come up with the words about how I feel. I find it difficult to do this whenever I sit down and try to write a song. My easy fix is to write around it most times. Like I know how I feel if someone were to say it back to me and so I write it as such. But it is always surface; no matter what. I told my therapist through tears a few weeks ago that I am always thinking and worried and confused. I am always questioning myself, my actions and even sometimes my feelings. This is due to a relationship I had with my mother and her willingness to gas-light me every time she felt a need to defensively attack. Anyways, I started journaling again on the 24th of October after years of having not. I believe I should connect with my feelings there first before I try to put it in a whole song. I literally don’t know how I feel most times and it pains me so much I burst out in tears. I found this article, actually, by stopping my writing process to this song and looking up “What to do when you feel emotionally stranded”. I’ve always felt on my own when it came to my feelings like I was left to deal with them myself when other people had been the ones to hurt them and as a result, I’d leave myself with those feelings as well. Never to deal with them, but more so like a “here do something with that” and me doing something with it eventually and usually turned into me distracting myself and doing nothing at all. Actually, it can date back too, in the 8th grade I wrote a poem about putting things under the rug so much until it was no longer unnoticeable and held a big bulge in the middle. Here it is and I believe we’ve finally met.

I feel so depressed that I am not functioning at all. I refuse to work at a min. wage and that is all I find here. I seem unthankful and ungrateful. The fact is, if I lived in a different city on my own with no emotional triggers from my past, namely the abusive people, I would flip burgers at burger king and be proud. Why won’t I work because I am not financially dependent on my paarents who I hate, but I am so mad inside that I refuse to do anything and am no functioning right now. People say, why not take anti depressants? Why should I? My depression is situatoinal. I can not function around my aggressive family. They are nice to me until I speak up then they get intimdating…like yelling, slamming, things…and making me fearful again like I was as a child. I feel doomed for life.

That was an excellent response over two months ago, really shows how ppl care, prob cause I mentioned not being able to buy anything huh?

I mean, here I sit, 37, n dad is next room, trapped here because I got sick ten years ago with physical things and now am waiting on disability to deny me again…i have to do so much to do that and have fifty three cents to my name and wont even get an answer to that till next year..

Find it hard to be this person of inner peace when all life has done is crap on me and yes from my logical brain he caused it. He abused me, he made my self esteem low, he left me and my sick mom, dumped my dogs…now he is a scared special snow flake but still treats me like dirt and I still walk on eggshells because it is this or the streets.

And yes, I know the emotion begind the pain. I wanted love, I wanted a father. I wanted to be a part of something.

Just cannot see how this would work for me, wish it could, can’t even go back to therapy because no money and on Medicaid you might as well forget about proper mental care.

I’m sorry to be so neg and I’m happy you guys doin solace in this but it seemed bot only vauge when it came to the solutions (while the diagnosis was ling, why do these self help sites always do that?), but not very well explained and from my mind set, which I know is wrong, it seems like a bunch of hooey…plus why do I have to work to fix a mess I never made.

I’m sorry to be like that, I really am. Probably will never know if there is a reply to this anyway and have no money for systems, books or help, so guess I suffer…good luck to you all, you win.

my blog post … iloveironmaidendotcom.com (Dominic)