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I’m really excited to write this article, because this is a question that many people ask: “Is this narcissistic or is this simply passive-aggressive?”

So what is passive-aggressive behaviour? And how does it cross the line into being narcissistic … or is passive-aggressive behaviour simply narcissistic anyway?

Wikipedia states it as being this: Passive-aggressive behaviour is “a type of behaviour … characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.”

I truly do believe that all narcissists operate in passive-aggressive ways, because being passive-aggressive means this – rather than being open and honest about what that person is feeling, or working in with people honestly, or asking for what is required personally, they express displeasure through actions instead.

With people who are not necessarily suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it can be easier to spot and it’s more obvious, yet with narcissists, it can be so underhand and cloaking in agenda and manipulation, as well as conscienceless deceit, that it can be very hard to pinpoint.

This is what narcissists are famous for – intensely confusing behaviour that distorts other people’s grasp on reality.

In this article today, I want to dissect and make this topic as clear for you as I possibly can.

I feel to do this we can look at:

  • Non-narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour
  • Narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour
  • And narcissists who the passive-aggressive personality type.

And I hope it helps you understand where passive-aggressive behaviour is, and when it is unmistakably narcissistic.

 

Non-narcissistic Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

Obvious passive-aggressive behaviour is never fun to experience. It’s uncomfortable and quite ugly to be around.

Let’s imagine the following scene – a Mother, we will call her Joan, is cooking tea for her husband and her children.

Joan is banging pots ferociously. She is slamming cupboard doors loudly.

What is this about?

She has been doing housework all day while the kids were on their X-boxes and her husband watched sport on TV. No-one offered to help, and then they all start asking her “What’s for dinner?”

Joan, rather than asking for what she wants and needs honestly (a helping hand), is making more and angrier noise to try to get her point across.

Does it work? No!

After dinner, when no-one picks up their plate from the table, Joan literally throws them in the dishwasher. She then storms off to her bedroom and slams the door.

Is this passive-aggressive? Yes, absolutely it is. Does this mean that she is a narcissist? Not necessarily. It may simply mean she doesn’t know her worth and feels guilty about asking for and receiving help and hopes others “do the right thing” without her having to go through feeling guilty as a result of asking.

I would argue that this is the product of our defunct emotional intelligence in our curriculum. We weren’t taught our worth and the health of asking for help, and being able to receive healthily.

Rather, sacrificial service was taught as the value, and “give to others to get”, rather than be responsible for generating our own healthy life, which means asking for help if needed and setting boundaries and saying “No” if feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of.

Also, I believe our societal, religious and conditional family beliefs of feeling unworthy, defective and flawed have caused us to need to prove our worth. Very few of us have believed (or acted like) we are worthy of love as we are – and we have turned ourselves inside out, overburdened ourselves and felt totally overwhelmed trying to do enough, to be enough to be loved and accepted.

If we don’t believe we are worthy of love and support and have no idea how to ask for it in healthy ways, of course we are going to feel emptied out, unsupported and overwhelmed at times.

Naturally, this leads to, at times, being passive-aggressive.

Because we unconsciously resent what we are doing to ourselves, we naturally start to resent others as well. We blame them, we hold them responsible for not giving us what we want from them to feel okay on the inside. We may, at times, lash out in passive-aggressive ways.

Is this narcissistic? Yes, we could argue that it is. It’s unconscious and it IS lashing out, regardless of how justified we may feel to do it. Yet, really these are the traits of co-dependents. The truth is co-dependents and narcissists can at times seem very similar when triggered into unhealed raw wounds.

However, there are major differences between a narcissistic passive-aggressive individual and a person who can be passive-aggressive at times.

Let’s examine Joan, as our non-narcissistic example.

In Joan’s everyday life she is happy for other people to do well, and loves and supports her family, friends and community. She is a good woman – she contributes to others, genuinely cares and has compassion and does what she says she will for people. She would be horrified about the concept of taking out revenge on someone or seeking to hurt anyone on purpose.

Where she does struggle, is believing she deserves and is worthy of receiving help. She suffers from the human and often female affliction of, “It’s my duty to serve others tirelessly” and “I need to do all of this for others to be loved and accepted”. And, because she can’t ask for help, sometimes it all gets too much for her.

In stark contrast, people who are suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are capable of taking passive-aggressive behaviour to a whole other level.

Let’s explore what that is.

 

Passive-Aggression and Narcissism

Narcissistic passive-aggressive behaviour is usually not as obvious as Joan’s banging around in the kitchen.  It’s more like a “who done it?” mystery where you are trying to piece together the things that don’t add up, as well as the nasty “off” behaviour which seems senseless.

Yet, to the narcissist it makes perfect sense – they are punishing you for something which according to them you did or didn’t do which displeased them.

The following I thoroughly believe – all the buzz words with narcissism, such as triangulation, smearing, gas-lighting, hoovering, all the things that narcissists do to confuse, abuse and get their own way – are passive-aggressive.

The feeling that something is “not right” comes about pretty quickly when the narcissist starts his or her passive-aggressive behaviour. You know they are “up to something” or something is “off” regarding what is REALLY going on in the background, but you can’t really pinpoint it.

And if we bring “it” to their attention (whatever we feel “it” is), they will vehemently deny it and twist it around, and then we will feel guilty for having thought it and worry that maybe our version of things is skewered, incorrect or we are imagining it because of our painful relationships in our past or something that is wrong about us.

And, for a long time, we don’t have enough hard evidence to stand in the conviction of what we feel.

Narcissists are capable of passive-aggressively delivering terrible underhand cruelty. They are big on wanting to hurt people, and usually, a hairline trigger is enough to launch them into it.

The narcissist can do horrible passive-aggressive things, like publically agree to do something and then because he or she never wanted to, does a terrible job of it or makes an excuse not to at the last minute. Because this person is a narcissist, there is no emotional filter regarding how that affected others, or it will be used purposefully as a weapon to hurt the person/people in question.

When you think “passive-aggressive” in relation to a narcissist, think “stealth” and “deception”. How can a person punish another, or confuse them and make it look like they aren’t? How can they then twist things up so it looks like the other person is imagining it, or even to blame for whatever it is that was “off” that they were feeling?

I remember narcissist number 2 used to send random senseless messages to me out of the blue that smacked of being a text conversation with another woman.

Were they a text to me (as he professed) even though the text didn’t make sense? Or … was it a text he accidentally sent to me which was intended for another? Or … was this all just to get my mind twisted in knots?

The truth was I will never know but it did exactly that! And then, of course, I was the paranoid freak and there was something terribly wrong with me!

Another example is this. A narcissist admitted to me that if his ex-wife did not greet him adequately that he would incite her into an argument, then make it look like she started it, and then use that as his excuse to walk out the door and go to his lover.

Of course, these sorts of behaviours are passive-aggressive. There is nothing truthful or authentic about them! A False Self means unhealthy, unsavoury false behaviour – period.

I really do believe that every narcissist – point blank – operates in passive-aggressive ways. Narcissists are not honest about what they are feeling, are not in touch with their feelings, don’t take responsibility for them and project them onto others. They make up any version of reality necessary to make it someone else’s fault.

The deeply insecure inner-self of the narcissist – which he or she has disowned – has terrible knee-jerk childish reactions. Passive-aggressive behaviour is immature, underdeveloped behaviour. It is employed by people who feel like victims, and it doesn’t stop if that person won’t take responsibility for their inner traumas and triggers in order to start showing up authentically with others.

Narcissists don’t take responsibility for and heal these traumas, they just continue to go through life passive-aggressively projecting them onto other people.

 

The Silent Treatment

The most famous of all passive-aggressive narcissistic behaviours is “the silent treatment.” This can range from stone-walling to complete and utter uncontactable abandonment.

When stone-walling, a narcissist will dismiss the conversation and leave the room, or absolutely refuse to continue the conversation with you. This is beyond frustrating and totally invalidates your feelings and you as a person. The narcissist may even threaten to leave you if you try to continue the conversation.

This is the narcissist’s passive-aggressive tactic to refuse to deal with what you are saying.

The fully blown silent treatment is about a total refusal to communicate with you about ANYTHING. In fact, the cold-shoulder may be so extreme that the narcissist can totally disappear from your life, even if you are living together, and act like you never existed.

This is the narcissist’s ways of severely punishing you. It’s usually effective because many would argue being treated as if you don’t exist is one of the most painful traumas we could experience.

(Of course, until we have created a Thriver Recovery – and then we are relieved!)

 

The Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Personality Type

In regard to narcissists, there is a personality type that stands out as being notably passive-aggressive.

This narcissist is the victim type, which is not EVERY narcissist. In contrast, many narcissists will make out to all and sundry that their life is wonderful.

However, this narcissist is a bag of misery, and constantly complains and whines believing everyone is demonising them, against them and judging them unfairly. This narcissist believes that his or her life is a series of terrible and woeful events.

Of course, like all pessimistic victims who refuse to shift from this state, these people are their own worst enemy. Bad circumstance after bad circumstance happens and this person gets more and more negative and sick and makes people walk on broken glass around them constantly.

For the passive-aggressive narcissist, nothing is every right or good enough.

This narcissist is “in your face” as someone who is impossible to deal with. Some examples are things like this: They will let you do things and make decisions and then tell you that was totally the wrong thing and decision to make. They may suggest that you haven’t done “that” for them for a while, and then when you do they pick fault with it.

This narcissist sets people up to fail constantly – demanding this and that and then criticising what anyone does. The truth is they are constantly projecting their vile mood onto anyone who is the vicinity to receive it.

The passive-aggressive narcissist tells all and sundry how no-one’s life is as terrible as theirs. They believe all of their hardships are unique and special circumstances.

This narcissist attempts to guilt people into feeling sorry for them, and do things for them, and even doing their bidding for them against the people who have treated them so “unfairly”.

He or she may manipulate you by telling you that you are their only true friend, or the only person they trust, or the only person who really understands them and loves them and cares for them.

Initially, you feel special and needed, yet it’s inevitable that you too will be demonised along with everyone else no matter how hard you try to help them.

When we come across people like this, we wonder why they even want to “live”, their life is such a tortuous misery to themselves and others.

 

How To Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

To someone like Joan, you could say to her, “I know you need help and please know you deserve to ask for it. I am here to support you and I want to, please don’t feel guilty for asking”.

With compassion and giving her permission to speak up, we may lovingly help her get the confidence to know it is okay to ask for what she needs and help support her new understanding that asking for help doesn’t make her any less lovable, acceptable and worthy of her place in everyone’s life.

If you were to try doing this with a narcissist, they would recoil at the thought of being classified as “needy” or “vulnerable”, and they would hate that you have “seen” them.

A likely inner response, that would be very different from Joan’s relief, would be to work out how to control and hurt you so that you would never expose them as vulnerable again.

A narcissist doesn’t want your “help” in an honest, open, connected way. The narcissist wants your “help” (translated to energy, time, resources and soul) whilst they have the upper hand and control, where you can never truly have a real connection with them or be close enough to hurt them.

How do you deal with a passive-aggressive narcissist, which is any narcissist?

Detach, Go No Contact or Modified Contact and heal and empower yourself.

You can’t deal with them, you can only deal with your own fears and then start generating your True Life regardless of who the narcissist continues to be – and the more you become real, authentic, healed and whole, the less they can be in your existence.

 

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80 thoughts on “When Does Passive-Aggressive Behaviour Become Narcissistic?

  1. My ex narc used the silent treatment. She had an interesting pattern and this pattern went on for more than a decade. It was 6 weeks silent treatment, then it was 3 days where everything was normal. On the 3rd day, no matter how hard I tried or how careful I was, something would trigger her for another 6 weeks of silent treatment. Most of the time I didn’t know how I triggered her. It didn’t do any good to ask. If she did answer it would be a nasty bite and usually it didn’t make sense.

    I learned not to worry about the silent treatments, nothing would change and reason is a foreign language to a narc. That doesn’t mean I liked it, but I just stopped caring. I was there for only one reason, we had children and I didn’t want to leave them for her to mess up. Nevertheless she messed the kids all up. They are dysfunctional adults that, as their mother militantly refuse to resolve conflicts and it’s already taken them all through many difficult relationship losses. One grew up to be a full blown “in your face” narc.

    I should have left anyway. Leaving and never returning was my daily fantasy for decades. I didn’t do it because of the children and felt responsible for them. They absolutely do not appreciate it in the slightest.

    Yes, I should have left a decade before we divorced. This is my life’s greatest regret.

    1. Stephen, thankyou for your story. I wish you peace and happiness in your new life post divorce and hope you can reconcile with your children.

      1. My narc estranged husband would start fights when he wanted to take off and go do whatever it is he does so he could blame me for whatever he did.

    2. Thank you Stephen. I’m saddened by all you’ve been through…and I think most of us regret the years and what we should have done sooner..I know I did . however, around the time I turned 60 , I realised deeply that now, this time, this day, this moment, this freedom that I have now is all that matters. And it’s precious. We can’t change the past. however ,cherishing life now , with its challenges and imperfections ….comes with healing and recovery. My wish for you is the inner peace that comes with acceptance and healing. 🌺

        1. I don’t understand the difference between going no contact and silent treatment. What if a person is unaware of the narcissistic dynamic and has been treated badly in a relationship, facing this kind of treatment for years, making excuses for the abuse and then decides to change the dynamic with the abuser by going no contact. Surely if the abuser has learnt these abusive methods from their upbringing or environment and may be equally unaware that their relationship was toxic and unhealthy and begin to bombard the other party with questions as to why the relationship has suddenly changed (i.e. Why the other party suddenly no longer puts up with it!) would the abuser not be justified in thinking that they are being stonewalled, discarded etc by the other party simply going no contact for their own health?

          1. The difference between no contact and the silent treatment is intention. The intension behind any action entirely changes it. Also the silent treatment is used within the relationship whereas no contact is used after the relationship has ended. I hope this helps 🙏

      1. Thank you Val for your insight and kind words. I just turned 65, and have finally, awakened! I have been in a marriage for 46 years, to a man that is 21 years my senior; I am finally, claiming my power! To say the least, it is a struggle, for he is still living with me, as he cannot look after himself. I am trying to heal my inner child and grow stronger. I have supportive friends and gaining information from sites like this. I appreciate you sharing your age, it makes me realize that I am not the only one who has awakened later than they wished.

        1. Hi Carol, you are so welcome that’s wonderful that you are able to devote time and energy to yourself now. It wouldn’t be easy in your situation and caring for someone of that age . There are quite a lot of us ” seniors” here in the community …better late than never, right? And I’ve come to realise Now is what counts, what matters most. Are you working with the NARP program Carol? There’s so much support in the forums if you are. sending you hugs and blessings Carol, keep up the good work, I get a warm feeling that life is really going to open up for you now Carol…new things and new happiness and contentment ahead.🌺💛

    3. I have the same story.. i stayed for the kids and even when we did divorce he played the victim so well that they all felt sorry for him and believe his lies about me… But Life is long and I think one day as they are starting their own lives they might come to see the truth. One daughter has Narc characteristics and I just avoid her. I’m finally done being abused. It is hard to look back on life and think it was wasted, so now I’m trying to just look forward and say that was then, this is now.
      I wish you the best Stephen!

      1. Hi Mel, I have been benefitting from your videos and blogs for two years now. I am just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of a 38yr marriage to a narc. Unfortuanately, my two grown up professional extremely well educated daughters in their thirties have been manipulated to completely reject me. Their rejection of me has proved equally as hard to come to accept as the realisation of what was happening in my marriage. My question after reading other strivers accounts of the same shared experience is… ‘What outcome or chances can I realistically expect for a healthy relationship in the future with my daughters’ ? Also what is the best way to cope with and relate to them???

        1. Hi Ruth,

          I am so sorry you are going through this trauma – there is nothing worse than when our children are affected in my opinion.

          Are you working with NARP Ruth? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

          In regard to healing from that terrible trauma of being alienated, I can only suggest releasing the trauma with NARP – that then makes way for healing to take place with our children.

          That is exactly how I changed the dynamic of my son and I …

          Also, I suggest coming in to one of my free webinars …www.melanietonievans.com/freewebinar In there I talk about a story of alienation of more than 3 decades, which was healed and how it was healed. Also when NARPing you have the ability to connect with your children energetically through your healings. Many people in this Community have healed rifts in this way.

          The webinar gives you deeper insight into how NARP can heal these traumas in our life.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

      2. Good luck.

        My story is different. My mother and her husband (Not my father)are both narcissistic. You never know when they will pull the trigger and it’s all your fault. You did’nt say a word. They know how to trigger you. But for me it’s over. I’m done with them. Even if my mother family don’t beleive me I don’t care. I will heal myself like I always did but this time I will never go back again. Never. I hope God will help them. Today even if they will excuse themself. I am not going back. I told them. They are toxic people. Now they can toxic between themself. Those people think they don’t have any defaults, they are perfect. Nothing to change with them. They lie all the time. Those people have twisted mind. They are crazy.

        I am very happy with my decision. I will continue to have compassion, empathy and love with people who deserve it. I am learning to love myself. I will see a therapist soon. To help me to not going back. I bought a book to learn to love myself.

        Thank you for reading me.

    4. Hi Stephen,

      I am so sorry that you and your children have suffered so much.

      I wish you much healing and happiness in your new life going forward. Thank you, everyone, who has extended love and support to Stephen.

      Mel xo

    5. I stayed for all the same reasons….and left after the kids were grown. The kids are messed up and don’t appreciate my sacrifice. And as hard as the divorce was (of course, my narc fought the divorce), my only regret was that I didn’t leave sooner….MUCH sooner!! People….don’t stay….these people NEVER change!!

    6. Stephen,
      I know EXACTLY what you sent through. Unlike you, I did leave despite the children because I felt terrified of her!

      I left because I realized one day my control over my own rage would volanically explode and I might do something I would eternally regret. Through the years; I was forced to watch my children being pressured and stressed, manipulated, and emotionally debilitated.

      It was like watching them be tortured and I was powerless to stop it. Like your children; mine are emotionally dysfunctional, living unhappy lives.

      I have not seen my daughter since she was 12. (She’s 34 now) the last time I had contact with her was through email and Facebook around 2003.

      My son has also ceased contact with me 3 years ago. He spontaneously contacts me for a few weeks, then he goes dark for another 3-5 years. Not surprising since they were basically raised in an asylum as hostages to a narcissistic mother.

      I won’t try to One-Up you on experiences because they’re basically the same. My sadness is galactically ever-expanding and I’m certain it will be with for the rest of my life. I seek safety and support with meditation and anti-depressants.

      It’s a constant battle trying to come to terms with my guilt, sadness, ever-simmering rage, murderous thoughts and vengeful fantasies… One day hope to find peace , and the distant, dwindling hope to see my children again before my own life’s end.

  2. I love this great reminder as I go back to work tomorrow. I love this focus on paying attention and setting my intentions for the week [one day at a time]. thank-you so much Mel.

  3. Thank you Melanie 🌷lots of clarity there on such a murky area. these behaviours are the norm in my family of origin. Especially the ” silent treatment”. It’s a boundary for me now….because it breaks trust and ,I feel , always demonstrates arrogance/ superiority and an intention to invalidate….and it was always a major trigger for me . the deep wound/ trauma of being unseen/ invisible/ not existing…my ” mother” was always dishing out the silent treatment to all around her….when she wasn’t orchestrating arguments, creating mayhem…same in my relationship with N…always ” manufacturing” / setting up arguments to suit his agenda.
    I like the definition you quoted Melanie;
    ” intensely confusing behaviour that distorts the other person’s grasp on reality”..
    Exactly.
    My grasp on ” reality ” was so distorted I was hospitalised and prescribed anti psychotic medication.
    There is no “reality ” dealing with narcissists….it changes every time you turn around…and totally violate the inner reality of others.
    Any passive aggressive behaviour is a red flag to me now. I’m out the door. I don’t want to be anywhere near it. which may mean it’s still a trigger…. thank you, love and blessings Melanie xxoo.

      1. Help me to understand you have been silent ? Or your Mother? If you have been silent doesn’t that make you little narc? When you don’t answer calls texts or anything are you the one feeding the dragon? May hap she is alone. Surely she was their for you a couple of times. Or are you to also perfect like the narc Mom? Maybe she does need the drauma? After all you wrote on here about your own drama and how much better off you are? Great then why are we still hearing about it? Go live your great life or has it been 1 year 2 months since I talked to mummy.?
        Who’s Who???

  4. The psychiatrist I started seeing calls these people “spitters and biters” and boy is that on the mark! After years of trying to maintain a friendship with an abusive neighbour, I didn’t allow her simmering hostility to deter me from standing my ground. As I offered numerous suggestions to address an issue that eventually created traumatic stress disorder, every suggestion was spit back at me like it was the stupidest, most selfish idea imaginable. When I heard the psychiatrist call them “spitters and biters” I thought, “Exactly!” Someone was finally acknowledging “confusing behaviour that distorts the other person’s grasp of reality”. This psychiatrist also said, these people are “hollow”. They have no sense of self so controlling others at least makes them feel something. Through NARP, I have recognized how she played off my deep shame of being highly sensitive, empathic. Now, with the modules, goal setting and particularly the video series, “How to reduce your susceptibility to Narc. abuse” , I am developing self-parenting and self-partnering skills for the first time in my life, (I’m 62). Even with all the personal & spiritual growth work I’ve done, I never learned to love myself. Now, I actually believe it’s possible. I find this quite remarkable.

    1. Hi Lorelee,

      that is an incredible expression!

      How wonderful you are healing, empowering yourself and showing up now with such authenticity!

      Power to YOU!

      I LOVE that you are self-partnering and blossoming. That is so exciting and thank you for your inspirational post.

      Mel xo

    2. this is the story of my life.. being a strong strong em-path since a child but not knowing WHAT that was or how strong compared to others until recently.. I have gone through life raised by and then married and attracting one vicious narcissist as friend and then incredible foe after another. I SO seek to never again as I am torn and damaged and broken and all things shattered nwo .. to just go inside my home and never again come out. that seems the only solution because I no longer even trust my OWN instincts as I am also compelled to help others.. to AVOID the DEADLY NARCISSIST so that I can actually LIVE .. the idea of the rest of life all along is also untenable.. so despair. despair. 🙁 I am SO very Glad for you!! If only I had known how to tell what it it is that was happening long long ago. But raised by one? What chance did I have… YOU FLY GIRL!!!! FLY FOR ALL OF US WHO CAN’T!! I will keep trying when and if I can .

  5. I just feel like help can also be used as a means of control. Like the narcissist will contact your social circle and even total strangers to tell them that the target is so helpless that they must be monitored at all times… I have become very wary of help at this point, which is not a good thing of course. I am in the process of seeking help though.

  6. Dear Melanie, your words are like an oasis to me, a dessicated desert traveller. Thank you.
    I had been working on healing many and varied childhood traumas for decades and making great progress. One thing I failed at was to attract a man I wanted to settle down with. Then in walked the father to be of my two beautiful children.

    I was so focused on being a mother I ignored my insistent and persistent inner voice’s warnings.

    I managed to leave him nearly 6 years ago and expected everything to bounce back but I was more lost than I realised. These past 15 years (including the time I was with him) have been my hardest yet. But I am hopeful — your support and validation are like spring water to my parched soul. Thanks again <3

  7. Thanks Melanie for yet another great post, very well written and informative, lots of clarity.I used to be so codependent and passive aggressive before I became aware that I was acting out of a childish painful wounded space.But I took responsibility for it and feel so free now.Thanks again for NARP.The ex narc just became worse every time is used to point out he was passive aggressive and needed to express freely (before I knew he was narcissistic).
    .The most freeing thing I could do for myself was to let him go and wish him peace and stop waiting for the desire in him to change to take root.It doesn’t exist.So giving up toxic self defeating hope is absolutely vital for your own freedom and life.
    Lots of love & strength to all the people going through this and thrivers in this community.

    Lots of love to you Mel.

    V

    1. Thank you, it makes such a clear picture, the silent treatment……going on for more than a year now, but since I have started modules I have less triggers and I do not feel so miserable and guilty anymore. Thank you Melanie for your work….you gave me hope and I am on my way to the other side 🙂

    2. Hi VB,

      you are very welcome!

      I am so pleased you let go, committed to the inner work and set yourself free!

      Thank you for your love to me and our beautiful Community and so much love to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

  8. Dear Melanie

    Your paragraph “The Passive-Aggressive Narcissistic Personality Type” perfectly describes my ex-narcissist – although he had other traits thrown in for good measure!

    Thank you again and again for your wonderful resources. It’s uphill work but I am a dedicated NARPer and have hope.

    xx Hannah

  9. Ah, the lovely silent treatment, how well I know that one. Pure and complete hell, and he swore that he didn’t do it to punish me, and that it wasn’t abuse. He just didn’t know how to handle me sometimes. Or when he complained that I never fixed him breakfast, but when I tried to, he would sniff his nose at it and say no, thank you. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so bad. We are divorced now, it’s been a year, and it still feels like it was yesterday to me, although I am finally feeling some hope and peace in my heart. I’m having a bit of a setback right now though. I got a text from an ex sis in law to let me know that the narcs grandson was killed in a tragic accident. I was his step grandmother from the time he was five and he passed at 22, just a few days ago. And it’s so hurtful to me that even something as horrible as that, and he doesn’t even have the decency to let me know instead of me finding out from someone else in a text. I felt real bad at first because after the shock of hearing this happened, my first thought besides the pain of losing that young man, was how could anyone be so completely thoughtless? And it was like getting doubly slapped in the face. So, I finally caught myself and realized this was a perfect opportunity for him to prove how he didn’t even think of me at all. And to me, it finally really completely convinced me and I no longer have any doubt, he isn’t someone I can ever help and I really do have to let him go. I thought I had already accepted it, but this clinched it. Now I have to hit the modules even harder because I am sick of hurting, and from the bottom of my soul I know I can’t do anything to change things and I never will be able to change things. So I will mourn that Grandson by myself and be glad to be out of that family now for good. Tyler was the only one of the whole bunch that was worth my heart and I know I made a difference in his life. So, I’m sorry for this sad letter, but I needed to say what I feel to you who understand where I’m coming from. I’m truly done and am only sad that it took such a tragedy to convince me completely. He was a shining light in a place of darkness and how he managed to be such a wonderful and loving person is beyond me. Okay, again I’m sorry.

    1. Hi Pam,

      please don’t be sorry – my heart goes out to you in this pain of the abuse you have gone through and for the loss of this special young man.

      I wish you so much relief and healing to go with your decision of “enough”.

      Pam, if you haven’t already I’d love you to connect to my free resources here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse They will help grant you relief and comfort.

      Bless you Pam and best wishes for your continued healing.

      Mel xo

    2. yes yes yes !! you said it!!! You can’t do anything for him . love him as much as you surely did I KNOW About that GIRL! and I AM So so very sorry about that baby boy you loved so and always will.. that is a crying shame so young. BUT you said something that helps me too! THIS SHOWED you that that man you were married to has so little ability as a human to even begin to have natural normal feeling HE LITERALLY cannot is not able to remember to think of telling you something so incredibly importantly personal. 🙁 THAT is how you know they are NOT EVEN almost human and can’t be fixed and can’t ” PEOPLE” at all. They are sharks not people in their minds. God Bless

  10. Mel,
    I genuinely appreciate your ability to articulate so clearly the differences between the insecure individual and the Narcissistic type. Having been raised by a mother with diagnosed Narcissism with Grandiose behavior (among additional mental health diagnosis’), I truly knew no different behavior from others until I recognized that not everyone in my experience was like her. Although it hasn’t always been an easy journey of self-discovery and making shifts in order to live to my highest potential, I am grateful for the additional tools you’ve shared through the NARP program. It has been the fastest, most useful method for quickly uplifting and empowering myself authentically. Truly taking care of myself, which includes Quantum Healing, has been greater than I have ever imagined possible! For instance, I quit smoking 3 months ago cold turkey and have not had ANY issues like I’d experienced during other cessation attempts. This example has really illustrated to me the power felt in the freedom from healing old wounds. Since being on your Thriver TV earlier this year, I have begun the pre-writing research and interviews for my memoir. As I delve into my past for the book through the lenses of appreciation for the whole experience, when I have found a wounded part of me it is easily remedied with the use of an upleveling Module appropriate for the trigger exposed. Thank you for your ongoing efforts to assist others in their healing so more of us are able to be free for the collective greater good!

    Cheers,
    Christine 💙

    1. Hi Christine,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased it granted you clarity 🙂

      Thank you Dear Lady and I so happy for you that NARP has helped you heal so much. You deserve every happiness!

      I am so thrilled to hear from you Christine and to know that, since your Thriver Show, you have gone from strength to strength makes my heart sing.

      Much Love to you and thank you for your beautiful and inspirational post.

      Mel xo

  11. I am a Narper of 21/2 years standing……it’s a must to do to heal your woundedness and live a Thriver life. You will not match these types once your energy is uplevelled. It’s a life time journey and you must do the work moduling to heal. This has shifted my life like I could never have imagined. The forum once you join is the best healing balm and councilling ever. Mel is a gift. I just had an incident where I’ve started slowly dating again. I abstained whilst doing this work to give myself undivided attention doing Narp. I noticed the passive aggressive behavior of a man I went on a date with…..my gut started warning me, I dumped him and peace returned in 5 minutes. The universe will bring us tests so we can see our growth or need to work on more uplevelling. I did need to do a module on some stuff that came up….evolving is what life is about. JUST DO IT. BEST INVSTMENT I EVER MADE FOR MYSELF. This is not an ad. I’m for real and so grateful for this work.

    1. Hi Bren,

      you are such a beautiful fan of NARP!

      I too, if I wasn’t it’s creator, would be singing it from the rooftops EVERY time I could 🙂

      I love that you are trusting yourself, self-partnering and forever evolving.

      Wishing you so many ongoing blessings Bren, which you are thoroughly self-generating!

      Mel xo

  12. Hi Melanie, I was a pot banger as I did not have confidence to ask for help. But if I did my narc would accuse me of making him a servant. I have been silent for many years essentially giving him he silent treatment as I wanted to protect myself because as soon as I said anything he perceived as malicious ie EVERYTHING , the verbal abuse would start. It was easier to zip my lip and just keep conversation about trivial matters. I have always been the peacekeeper. My narc left last weekend taking everything he considered ‘his’ to start a new life 2400kms away. What a relief. Of course there is yet another woman. I have done the no contact except by email for legal matters. He sent an abusive email when I unfriended him on Facebook. He is still friends with all his exes! I didn’t answer his email but sent it to my lawyer 😊 So at 64 I am putting 44 years of a narc relationship behind me and forging a bright future. I have fabulous friends, wonderful family, great job and a supportive church. Could you consider doing a blog or YouTube for adult kids with a narc father. I am sure my kids would benefit! Every one of your you tubes has come at just the right time for me, empowerin me to be strong 😊

    1. Hi Lynette,

      I am so pleased that you are free now and are feeling so positive!

      That is wonderful you have such a loving supportive force around you.

      I certainly will consider doing this Lynette, and I am so pleased I can help you be strong.

      Mel xo

  13. Hi all.

    Mine’s a little less cut and dry. My hubby is definitely passive aggressive. He lives to serve, originating from being squashed my his mum to the point where he re-shaped himself to see love as servitude. It was his survival mechanism and I have deep empathy for that (after lots of inner work). However, he is still deeply invested in the dysfunct, and no amount of my trying to open him up to this realization has been effective. Conversely, what I have done with this over the years, is allow it to bring forth my own learned narc behavior (narc mother), and act out of an angry, frustrated, reliant, critical and unhappy place within myself. I’ve adapted to the servitude, picked it apart, acted aggressively frustrated at the inevitable ineptitude on his behalf; brought about, no doubt, by his resentment at giving me servitude that frustrates him also – though on a far less conscious level. We are basically playing out our mother roles, his in servitude and mine, in part, in angry outbursts. Neither wins, and the tragedy plays out pathologically. My saving grace had been my extreme discomfort in the lack of connection. Accusations hurled at my husband of the ilk ‘why don’t you know this by now?!’ We’ve been together 15 years, and for 15 years I’ve been voicing my needs; how do you often manage to do the opposite/continue to not meet them, etc? Don’t you CARE?! Don’t you LISTEN?! This is not LOVE?! At some stage I reached breaking point over the frustration and confusion and uncontrolled-ness of it all – and started taking looking at things specific to my relationship on a deeper and more healthful, less guilt fueled level. I began to see the forest for the trees, and took some real power back. Until that point I’d been blaming myself for my angry outbursts; which clouded my understanding of what was mine to own, and what was on him. Typical empath type behavior….if I’m the angry one, if I’m the one with the high emotions, it must be me – deep down – who is more flawed and therefore more culpable. When he took sex off the table (and I would address it, periodically, with honesty and inviting real discussion but not being met in real discussion) I blamed myself, my unsexiness, my aggressive and masculine unhealth. It took an affair with a true and overt narc to ‘wake me up’ to the zig zags and mess of my inner life. And it worked a charm (after much fallout and heartache, yada yada). Since then, I’ve been a powerhouse of honesty and conflict. Raw growth and pain. Upheaval and splendor. I have vacillated on who is the narc? Who just has fleas? Am
    I the narc? Is he? If we aren’t, what are we? Who is what? I’m still not quite there. But what has reshuffled and locked into place for me is this…..

    It doesn’t matter. All that matters, and can matter for me, is me. My relationship with myself has to be understood and healed (continuously, un-linearly so!), in order for me to live my life in the best way possible, with the best outcomes for ME. If I give my energy to that, the rest will flow. I hold the space lovingly for others to flow in and flow out and live their path and if it aligns with mine, great. And if it doesn’t, great. Life is arduous, and beautiful. And I truly wouldn’t change a thing in my past. But! My future, different story bro! 😂 It’s mine to shape. From within. And I’m excited.

    Gah, I wrote this a bit jumbly. But it came out as it did. Hope it resonates for some? ❤️

    1. Hi Unfurling,

      you are being so courageously honest with great in-sight.

      I adore what you have written here, about where the energy is best placed to grow and heal self. I totally agree with the space and self that you are holding and growing.

      This was so beautifully expressed by you! Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Mel xo

    2. I found your post very insightful and interesting Unfurling. Thank you, it really made me think. I have been worrying about being a bit “disorganised” in my module practice and feeling there should be some sort of “linear progression” but of course this is a ridiculous idea. I grew up with the equally ridiculous and self-limiting notion that at some stage we are “finished” individuals. It’s exciting – and also by turns exhausting – to think that we must always be vigilant and will always (unless circumstances intervene) be evolving.

      Bon courage

  14. Hi Melanie,
    Recently I found myself (even though I’ve been in the narc program for a few years) reacting to a trigger, and being passive aggressive myself.
    I’m wondering how to handle it. Should I apologize? I’m now getting the silent treatment from this person who could be a narcissist! But still, I recognize that my own behavior wasn’t right. I did a module about it, and wonder if I should or how to handle it with the other person.
    Thank you for the great article.

    1. Hi Marion,

      I do believe it is always healthy for us to be humble and honest about our own behaviour, but it’s also important to be clear about other people’s behaviour that may or may not be acceptable.

      It can be very easy when we are taking responsibility and wanting to work on ourselves to miss things that we do need to have healthy boundaries about.

      If you show up authentically about this, and the other person still wants to punish you with the silent treatment then that is not the truth of the life that you are now generating.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Mel
    Another on point article that spells it out so clearly for us. I just spent a few days away with my father and my son. My father is spot on a victim type passive aggressive narc. As i am so clear and aware of his ways now after so many years of trying to make sense of it all – it was downright painful and distressing to see how he would zoom in and be negative on anything including any slights of imperfect behaviours form my 8 year old. I could see he was so harsh and quick to judge him – even breaking from what he was saying mid sentence – piling one criticism on top of another to him – I could so see it was because he is so ill at peace in himself and devoid of anything there, he has to hover around anything my son does or says for supply. I think I am numb to it now or maybe he doesn’t do it as much as I have become so tough in recent years so he is a little scared to rock the apple cart with me. I know I can be passive aggressive or just downright aggressive now in the face of attack from him or my recent partner (who surprise surprise is a Victim type narc also) as I am on high alert for it. But afterwards I pay the price and need to recover from the trauma.

    I see how I have repeated patterns of his relentless criticising and commentating, and striving for perfection by projecting this on to my own child. I didn’t let him express age appropriate behaviours and be a child enough – make a mess – be silly etc. This pains me now to realise even though I go get why.
    I still struggle to accept myself and anything less than perfection, incredibly over cautious when dealing with others and self critical. I can see how my father became that way – due to his own childhood traumas but it does hurt me that he can be so self absorbed and lacking in compassion after all this time – even though for the past few years he is seeing an psychoanalyst. He is 77 now so I know he’ll never change. I hurt for him in some ways – I feel his pain deeply as I have done since a child acting as surrogate for all his unprocessed feelings – yet I have to protect myself and remove myself too from his pain. I can’t understand, truly can’t get it, why some people don’t process and heal emotions after all these years. i know the explanations about what narcs are and why but I still don’t really get why? I know I have often masked, escaped and blindsided myself believing I was healing and growing whilst repeating patterns – I am going through some of those horrible, painful aha’s right now but in the end I can sit with my pain and emotions as far as possible…I just don’t get why some people are wired to never be able to take responsibility for theirs? i know you explained it’s like a virus in the human condition. But is it not ultimately a choice too – if someone starts early enough to be flexible enough in their thinking to do the work to heal and change?
    Oh I feel a lot of regret and darkness right now, is there a module best for working with this? I guess its the forgive yourself and life for what you’ve been through one?
    Much love
    Sophie x

    1. Hi Sophie,

      I bet that is so hard seeing your father treat your son like that.

      And it is wonderful that you have this awareness, I totally relate … I too was like this with my son.

      I know that it’s hurting you that he won’t change, and that is SO understandable. Our own evolution is so about us healing regardless of whether or not anyone else does, and it may mean that with firm boundaries and our deservedness in place that we are willing to lose it all to get it all and not be around certain people anymore – even if they are family.

      Sophie that is wonderful that you are working with NARP – have you targeted “that” specifically the trauma regarding other people NOT trying to change?

      Keep your shifts really literal – exactly “what hurts” is where our next release always is Dear Lady.

      You’ve got this – I feel you are very close.

      Sending love, healing and blessings your way.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you so much for your specific advice Mel. I only just saw your reply today after watching you latest Thriver TV episode. Keeping the shifts literal to exactly what hurts sounds like good advice at this stage – for working with both my father, and my on/off ex who I have just decided today to go no contact with permanently. Funny how I have got your reply at just the right time! I appreciate your personal replies to all our posts. Really I do! X

  16. Good one!
    I always viewed my narcissists version of passive-aggressive as passive aggressive on steroids! I got my latest dose of it this past weekend. Once a month I go down to check on my house (just to make sure it is still there). Fortunately it was. The kitchen was a disaster. There were a months worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen. Some of the mold growing on things was at least two inches high. The poor cats’ box hadn’t been cleaned out. I know from past experiences with my N that having a “reasonable discussion” does nothing. Neither does yelling at him. He was “mad” about something but it was hard to tell exactly what this time. He cannot or will not directly tell you.

    So I cleaned up the kitchen and the cats’ quarters. From what I can gather the N is mad this time because his son won’t come to visit him (no contact). I suggested that since he, the N, doesn’t work or really do anything he should just take a bus up to visit his son. He said that since he was “banished to the country” by both Son and myself, he refuses to come see either of us in the city. This is actually a relief.

    He also managed to break another house computer (his 5th in 5 years) and wants one of us to give him a new one (or else we have no contact with him).

    This time he inadvertently played right into our hands. No Contact.

    I think by continually watching your videos and reading your articles I am getting tougher and his impact on me is becoming less and less.
    Thank you!

  17. Dear Melanie,

    I have “one more” question to you… 🙂

    As I’ve been really analysing why I became a “match” and involved with the n, I was indeed “equally crazy” like him. I mean, I felt empty inside, like an empty shell, looking for love and validation, peace etc. outside sources of myself, I was easily “triggered”, feared to become abandoned, I felt worthless, I was being really like the “false me”…all of this miserable stuff, before I started my healing journey 🙂 Thanks to you <3

    So no wonder I became a "perfect match" to him! But what I don't understad and I'm a curious mind…If (and when) I became terribly wounded as a child (my dad was often drunken, threatening me, punishing me, I was nearly always teased at school etc…come to think of it, I rarely received respecting, decent behaviour from others!)
    So if he (the n ex-boyfriend) also has become wounded, and that's why he "became" a n…then why I didn't became a n too (thank God no!)? If I have the ability to heal and self-reflect (take responsibility of my wounding) and "get over it"…then why doesn't he? I mean, what is the crucial difference between "us" and "them"? How can someone become so "irreversibly" damaged? I really wanted to "understand" him, to empathize with him (because this is what loving and normal people do!)…but it just seems impossible 🙁

    And now come to think of it, even when I was very wounded too, even at those times I did not get any pleasure if he was hurting, I would never manipulate him or anyone and feel good about it etc. (of course not!)…so that seems to be the difference too. It just continues to shock me, how they "can" behave this way, how can someone really be so…inhumane! 🙁

    1. Hi A,

      The difference is that as co-dependents who were hurting and trying to get our needs met, we tried to appease, give and make others happy to get love, approval, security, and survival. The narcissist instead, divorced the true self, put a False Self in its place and decided to “act” and “manipulate” (including lie) to survive.

      The problem with the N is that the True Self is so disowned and disconnected from, and is so damaged by the egos lack of integrity and it’s accumulated unmet traumas that the narcissist doesn’t want to go anywhere near it to heal and revive it.

      And no-one can do that for them – only they can.

      The False Self, the imposter, is the Identity now, and that is where the N wants to stay.

      Your healing A is not in healing him. It is in healing you.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie,

        And what I have also thought a lot…Before my “awakening” and healing, I was also very “unconscious” in my relationships, operating and navigating them through the wounded part of me…which of course always resulted in (more) drama, trauma, and horrible rollercoaster ride and huge disappointment. Every time! 🙁

        What continues to amaze me and what also hurt me the most, this ex n, he was constantly (as far as I know) nice and “normal” with his elderly mother and teenage daughter. He would never give them silent treatment! And I have “endured” many, many…uff. It was really like, why do they deserve to be treated well, and I don’t? (yes, wounding, wounding! This was mine :))

        I’ve been deeply thinking about this; even when I was wounded, I was able, my whole life, have been able to “attract” and maintain very good and normal relationships with other women, they have lasted years, even over two decades, you know like really healthy and nice normal friendships with friends, to create authentic and sincere bonds with them. (I mean, true friendships, I’m heterosexual)

        And also, I’ve been able to have “trauma-free” relationships with healthy, normal men, who are “neutral” men, I mean not possible romantic-sexual-potential intimate partners, but like neighbours, work colleagues, male (gay) friends etc.

        So why this inner wounding, traumatic “stuff” comes to surface and activates so strongly, when it is a question of a romantic-intimate partner? I’m 40 years and never in my life have I been able to attract a healthy man! Yep, like this last one, thought he was “the one”, but instead he is a worst case n….So according to this same logic, why wasn’t I also (thank God I wasn’t!)
        attracting unhealthy n women to become my friends?

        I hope you could understand my question? 🙂

        So I thought, is it the same situation with n’s? That indeed they are “nice and normal”, behaving in a good and caring (sincere?) way, when it is a question of children, relatives, clients etc. but their n “traits” become activated and comes to surface strongly (and only?) with intimate partners? I’ve been desperately trying to find some logic, reason or reasonable explanation to his behaviour, that to me seemed very unfair and unjustified 🙁

        1. Dear A,
          Narcissists definitely create the same cycle of abuse with their parents and children as they do with romantic partners, though the scenarios may be different. I wouldn’t get hung up on why he would treat you badly and not his family- there is a lot about narcissistic behavior that is unseen from the outside.
          Growing up, everyone thought we were the perfect family. My father presented well in public and people didn’t see his rages, his projections, his criticisms. But we knew and his mother and siblings saw it too- they had lived with it too at one point. Don’t assume you know what’s actually going on with a narcissist and certainly don’t use that as another means of torturing yourself. He is who he is and anyone in your place would get the same treatment eventually.

          As for why you don’t attract female narcissistic friends…I’m not sure about that, but I think we attract them in the role that will have the most significance to us. Whatever will hurt us enough to wake us up. For me, having a female narcissistic friend would not have been as effective. I could have left that friendship more easily. The romantic entertwining is what got me because it hit me on every level. So I think they show up in whatever role is necessary to stop us in our tracks.

  18. I married to a narc 1.5 years back. We started talking and chatting 4 months prior to our marriage..in the initial phase I thought she is the best wife I could every get, she cared for me a lot but after 6 months of marriage I started to feel the difference in her behaviour and whenever I needed her support she never supported me by heart but just superficially. I told her during our argument once that you say you love me but I don’t feel it. She was a drama queen. We used to have frequent arguments on regular basis on issue on which she was at fault but never accepted it by heart, when I say to her that i will leave you she used to say that I cannot live with her, she used to cry and beg me please don’t leave me I cannot live without, I love you so much but sometimes when I don’t convince after 10 minutes she start singing songs, watches television as nothing happened to her, I used to be surprised to see this sudden change in behaviour. She was a compulsive liar. 2 months back she told a big lie on which we had an argument I told her to leave my home , she told me that I will repent, I cannot survive without her, I will not get a wife like her. I left for office and she left home and give keys to guard and called my colleague that she is leaving pls collect the keys from the guard. She took every clothing, jewellery. After that she never called me and blocked me from all social media contacts. Now I got to know she was having an affair. I believe this is silent treatment phase and she is nurturing the new guy even I have gone no contact. Life was hell with her she was manipulative and life was moving on a roller coaster. I did everything for her, did everything to please her but she never cared and supported me from her heart although she just showed a lot of care..After knowing about the affair I filed for divorce.. I hope, I have made the right decision?

  19. So so true. I stayed friends for years largely because I knew he struggled with interpersonal relationships. He would always come to me because he never had any real friendships so I felt like he needed me and I wasn’t going to abandon him. But the more you “help” or try to help someone, the more you care and when I cared too much, that’s when the punishment came.

  20. “Detach, Go No Contact or Modified Contact and heal and empower yourself.”

    I’m curious as to how this is different from ‘the silent treatment’, in recent years I’ve found it necessary to detach myself from a dysfunctional family dynamic, but am now increasingly being accused of being a self-involved turd.

    1. Hi Michael,

      that’s a great question!

      The silent treatment is purposefully used as a tool to punish people malisciously, whereas detaching and going No Contact is an act of self-love because enough is enough.

      There is a huge difference.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  21. I’ve been untangling myself from the narcissists in my family of origin. Went No contact many years ago after the Narcissist, my father, and one sibling falsely accused my husband, my daughter’s step father, of emotionally and verbally abusing her. They had been carefully coaching her to hate her stepfather for 2-3 years without our knowledge.

    Everything came to a head on a family vacation after my husband and I confronted my parents about being treated badly by them and my siblings. Next thing we knew my sibling called my ex-husband, an alcoholic passive aggressive, and told him he had to do something to protect his daughter. Her stepfather, my husband, had been in our lives for 9 years. No one at our church, her school, or close friends expressed concerns about her well being.

    Our young teenage daughter didn’t like being told “no” but other than that our home life was fairly normal — trying to deal with adolescent angst. What I discovered, after it was too late, is that every time my daughter complained about us to my family they told her how bad her stepfather treated her. Continually affirming that he was abusive and how awful it was that she had to live with him. They told her that I was under the bad stepfather’s spell and wouldn’t or couldn’t protect her. Weak and unable to do what was right.
    Well, I’m finally beginning to heal from this nightmare. Had never heard the term Narcissist until my therapist explained it to me two months ago. What an eye opener — yet great relief to know that I was never truly screwed up. The family I come from me succeeded in making me feel like the crazy dysfunctional one until my mid-30’s. I’m proud to say I’ve been the scapegoat since I was 15.

  22. I have issues differentiating whether i am the narcissistic one or my spouse. Or maybe we are just both REALLY passive agressive people? I find myself stonewalling him often (or i get into nervous laughter) when we argue. I can be very blunt with my words so maybe I have hurt him all this while as well.

    Sometimes i feel that his reasons sound legit but doesnt justify his behaviour fully. The current issue we have is him refusing to have intimacy with me (its an ongoing issue which I have been bringing up for years, even before marriage – he said he’s shy but once we get our house things will change. NEWSFLASH: It didnt.)

    He feels that he is not heard, he does not feel like the man of the family. Im a late sleeper(and wake up late) and i fall sick often. He said that if i wake up earlier, if i exercise more, take his advice on these issues more, he will feel more inclined to have intimacy with me.

    I’m confused as it feels like a punishment/reward system to me, yet i kinda understand he is trying to ask me to be better. He keeps saying his advice is for me. To be better. To stop running away from my problems. I feel stressed cause he says it’s “for you. For your own good. My advice is FOR YOU.”

    I have moved out 3 weeks ago but subconsciously still think of moving back and making excuses. The rest of the time we get along alright. If i just listened and heed his advice. Maybe things will change? Maybe he just wants me to take charge of my own life more?

    I’m just blabbing now. Thank you, if anyone actually reads this.

  23. I have been following your blogs and articles since April of 2015 when I finally kicked my husband out of the house. After 17 years of marriage, I can say that was the hardest 1st year my son and I had ever been through in our life. Because of your educational material and support groups I found on Facebook, I was able to stay away, and eventually feel better. It is still a battle everyday, but it is easier and I owe my journey of recovery to you. Forever thankful……

  24. That’s not good advice when the passive Aggressive narcissistic personality disorder is your 17 year old son. My 26 yr old has it. You can’t believe anything he says. Being in the navy has helped some of it but my 17 is out of control and I can’t wait for him to be able to leave when he’s old enough. He always says hurtful things and he said he doesn’t care if he’s homeless he said when he’s 18 hes moving out . My 3rd son doesn’t have it. It was passed down from my father in law. He had it so bad he got a medical discharge from the navy

    1. Hi, yes, go no contact is an easy advice if it is concerning your friend or so, but not if it is one of your children. I have 2 sons, both ok, but my daugther, the youngest child, inherited it from her father most probably. How to get her to a psychologist.. and is there any way for her to get better? I am concerned, too. I can survive few more years but – what a life she will have.. I am so sad for her but she makes hell out of my life.

  25. Have any of you living with a narcissist for years question whether you are the one with narcissistic traits? I have been in a relashionship for 25 years with whom I think is a narc, but when I read about it I find myself doing similar things like silent treatment for instant, trying to communicate has taken me nowhere so I only respond to him when he addresses me, otherwise I go around my life with no contact whatsoever. Does that make me a narc as well? Thanks!

    1. Hi Mila,

      Please know that pulling away ato save oneself from continual abuse, is not the silent treatment.

      It is healthy self preservation.

      The silent treatment is what a narudies to punish another.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  26. Has anyone experienced negative consequences from second hand narcissistic behavior. I live with my son, who is divorced, to help him with my three grandkids. Last year, he invited his girlfriend (and her 4 kids from 3 different men) to live with her. Her background should have been a red flag, but empathetic people are often hoodwinked by narcissists who claim previous abuse (according to her, all of her previous husbands abused her – looking back I now wonder why it never occurred to me to ask why she was the only one abused – she never claimed that her kids were abused). She triangulated with my son to get him the first time (until this woman came into our life I didn’t even know what this meant).

    During the first 8 months she was always having one crisis after another. She would do something outrageous, or stupid, and my son would get mad at her. She would withdraw from every one including her kids so my son and I would be left taking care of them. Then suddenly she would be all smiles and happy and pretend that nothing had happened. If you dared to bring up her bad behavior she would gaslight you claiming she had done no such thing (you were either misremembering or there was something mentally wrong with you). I finally figured out what she was when she got furious (crying crocodile tears) because the kids, including hers, preferred to spend time with me than with her. She convinced my son that they should keeps the kids (including my grandkids) from talking to me or acknowledging me in anyway. When she finally decided I had been punished enough, she “forgave” me. Later I brought up this incident and she claimed that she had done no such thing – that they didn’t want the kids to come into my room because they weren’t doing their chores.

    Anyway, she finally did something unforgivable- she accused my son of abuse (she called 911 on him). My son tossed her out of the house and I thought we were done (my son acknowledged that she was a narcissist at this time), but now 4 months later she has roped him back in (the second time she has triangulated him, and played the “it was all a misunderstanding and I’m a poor woman who just needs a strong man to help me). I strongly objected to her coming back into our lives (I am definitely not passive-aggressive). Because of my son considers this attack on the woman he thinks he loves, he has told me to go find somewhere else to live.

    Sorry for the long winded account. I’m hurt, not as a direct action from her, but because my son has decided to be on her side even though he knows what she is. I never thought my son as stupid, but now I am reconsidering that maybe he is. How can you go through all the abuse that a narcissist dishes out, then think they have “changed” and get with them again?

  27. Hi Mel and all,
    I think my husband is a narc and my daughter (14 now) got it as well.. but maybe I am also a narc.. I am really not sure. The only one who is ok in my family is my son (16).
    Yesterday’s story: my husband was doing some homework, repairing steps etc., which he was due to finish for about 5 years ago (no commenting this). It was about 9pm in the evening and the stairs were destroyed while he was working on something else. I wasn’t angry, I was just thinking like – hm, tomorrow, my son’s girlfriend arrives first time in her life and our stairs are in a mess”.. and this is what I said to my husband. He is always very self-defensive and telling him something is like going around the Easter-egg, btw. This time, he was again like – “I did tell you clearly that I would finish it today, I told you four times!”. I said it wasn’t necessary to scream at me, I wasn’t really putting him on spot nor was it my intension. Next day, we started argue about it and ended up as usually: him screaming, speaking 5mins, then me 10 secs before he jumped into it, basically saying that I was nasty to him first, that I had stupid comments thinking that he was not going to finish the stairs, and I actually started it all, and he didn’t like it, and he has full right to tell me if he didn’t like what I was saying to him. I wasn’t able to tell more than 1 sentence in a row as he simply jumps into it screaming. He wanted me to recognize that I was nasty and then he would recognize he was nasty, too. He said he had a headache and even though he was doing that home-stuff as I wanted (btw, we both agreed that we would dedicate Wednesday to fnish some stuff at home). I then get sad and angry and stop talking for quite some time. Lately, I am able not to speak to him for weeks as I feel hurt and do not know what to do. Is it that I am narc giving him a silent treatement, or is it that I protect myself..?? I really don’t know..
    My daughter seems to me narc from when she was born. Always a drama queen, screaming, no boundaries, the “NO” is no answer for her. Comes back only when she needs something, otherwise I don’t hear from her. Telling me I don’t understand her. Is nice only when she needs something, otherwise is able to be quite nasty, screaming iat me and provoking to the very end when I explode (even if trying to control myself, I am not a zen-master, honestly..). My son suffers from all of this tension in our family and I do not know what to do..

  28. I believe my partner and I are both narcissistic. I think that it’s a learned trait from previous relationships, kind of a “I learned it from the best” thing.
    The issue I’m having is, my partner constantly gets upset when, for example, I repeatedly look at a space on the bedroom wall and smile instead of looking at him. Now, I seriously have no idea that I’m doing this. I don’t want to make him mad. I’m not doing it on purpose. But he says that I do it so much, all the time, that Im doing it to make him mad. It is so confusing, because after a while I start to notice that spot he keeps getting angry over, and now I’m catching myself looking at this spot, and I can’t stop. It’s freaking stupid! So now, I do everything in my power to keep my eyes diverted down to the floor, but get accused for it anyways. Wtf is this?

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