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Why do narcissists lie? Why do they struggle to tell the truth? Why do they often lie even when there is no apparent reason to lie?

Of course, we may think it is to manipulate, twist, twist, turn, and abuse people’s lives and purposefully confuse and hurt othersā€¦ but is it?

Is there something deeper as to why lying is such an ingrained personality disorder for narcissists?

When you experience the trauma of continual lies, you may question everything, including your sanity. You no longer know what is true or false; things get so crazy that you ask if the narcissist knows the difference.


The times and ways a narcissist will lie are so vast that you could fill an encyclopedia with them.

One of the fastest ways to experience a narcissistā€™s lies is to try to make them accountable for wrongdoing. They will make excuses and create allies and fabrications to support their version. They will twist and turn facts and shift blame and come up with false counter-accusations.

Lying destroys relationships ā€¦ and so many of us hate being lied to.

So ā€¦ how do you reconcile that not only you were lied to, but also the entire relationship that you had with a narcissist was a lie? How do you heal and recover from that?

In this Thriver TV episode, I will help you understand why the narcissist lies, how it wasnā€™t personal, and how you can heal and resurrect your life and live to an incredible authenticity and the generation of consistent and wholesome truths.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with quantum tools and understandings. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and Iā€™d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

An old expression insults narcissists: if their lips move, they lie. It’s a horrible saying, but it is so sad that after being in the presence of a narcissist, no matter how much you want to believe that what they’re telling you is the truth, you don’t know what you actually can believe or what not to believe because the truth of the matter is. I truly believe this; a lot of the time, they don’t know either.

Why do narcissists lie, and why do they struggle to tell the truth even when there’s no apparent reason to lie?

Lying destroys relationships, and so many of us hate being lied to.

How do we reconcile that we were lied to and our entire relationship with a narcissist was a lie? How do we heal and recover from that?

In this episode today, I will help you understand why the narcissist lies and how it wasn’t and isn’t personal. I will show you how we can heal and resurrect your life and live to an incredible authenticity and the generation of consistent and wholesome truths.

 

Why Narcissists Pathologically Lie

Of course, we may think it’s to manipulate, twist,Ā  abuse, deceive, confuse, and hurt others.

Yes, this happens as a byproduct, but it is not why narcissists lie.

At the core, narcissists are fictitious characters, a false self. Their reality is inaccurate and differs from what we know is real. The narcissist lives in their own little mirage, constructing a life that bears no resemblance to reality.

Of course, they’ve got to exist in reality, yet the lines get blurred. What is fact and what is fiction overlap. To spice up a fact, the narcissist will insert fiction. They believe it grants more attention. A narcissist doesn’t recognise that authenticity is devastatingly sexy because they aren’t authentic. So to say a narcissist will embellish something is an understatement. They will flat-out lie and exaggerate to get a narcissistic supply.

They create fantasies about the size of the fish court, the car accident that nearly happened, and the person who supposedly made a pass at them, the list is endless. The crazy thing is that they lie infront of other people who were present at the event. The narcissist is oblivious to them knowing it’s a lie because, in their mind, which is forever creating him or herself as the star and a fictitious satire, it was a part of the new script and, therefore, truth.

Because a narcissist is already a false self, they don’t have the filters of humanity similar to people who still connect to their true self and soul.

Narcissists lie in the manic pursuit of narcissistic supply to feed the huge egoic demands of a terribly insecure inner identity. They try to protect themselves from a narcissistic injury, a terrible blow to the narcissist’s ego when things don’t go their way.

A good way to rig the game of life to continually appease their ego is to change the rules, which means lying when it suits them.

The means and how a narcissist will lie are so varied that you could fill an encyclopedia with them. A narcissist will lie about anything if they think it will ease the trauma of being confronted with being vulnerable and accountable, or to drop the false self and defences and come face-to-face with the terrifying inner demons always threatening to eat them alive.

They will also lie to bring in more A-grade narcissistic supply, the drug needed to self-medicate and keep their significance levels high enough as the buffer against their inner traumas.

One of the fastest ways to experience a narcissist’s lies is to try to make them accountable for wrongdoing. They will make up excuses and create allies and fabrications to support their version of things and their lack of accountability. They will twist and turn facts, blame shift, and accuse others.

A narcissist going from defensiveness to attack mode can deliver the most outrageous, damning and damaging lies to destroy your credibility or get you in trouble or even locked up by authorities without one fibre of moral conscience.

All this is because you threatened or failed to appease the false self, the egoic house of cards precariously reliant on narcissistic supply.

As far as he or she is concerned, you deserve it.Ā  With all the awful things narcissists do, they see this as a means to generate necessary action for emotional survival.

 

Returning Power Back To Us

One of the biggest lies the narcissist executes is projection, whereby the narcissist accuses you of everything they do. This is a really bizarre process because the narcissist divorced their inner being and acquired a false self which has taken them over to be in its place.

Narcissists can take no genuine ownership of themselves. Therefore the parts of themselves, those furthest from the true self, which is the most loathsome, disconnected and disordered, are projected onto another person the narcissist tries to destroy.

Unconsciously the narcissist is trying to kill the parts of themselves that are horribly wounded and horrifically acting out. When accusing you of being adulterous, a gold digger, untrustworthy, unscrupulous and unloving, the narcissist truly believes it is you and not them. Their brain pathways are hardwired and splitting from their true self, and they confirm this.

Let’s bring this all back to us because this is always about returning the power to ourselves. That’s what proper recovery and thriving are about.

Most of us hate being lied to. It hurts us, invalidates us, and rips our souls to pieces. It feels like such a degrading way to live, to be lied to. The most profound trauma we experience regarding the narcissist is the lie of not ever being really loved and being duped into falling in love with somebody who was not even a real person.

Until we heal our own fractured inner being that believes “My life is a lie. I must be unlovable. I can’t find real love, and I may never be loved,” we may always feel like a child curled up in the fetal position, wondering what our life is really about.

I want you to know you are lovable, and you can experience a life of truth and love.

But to do so, we must do exactly what the narcissist will not do. And that is to take full ownership that we are the generative source of our experience. That goes for all of us, no matter what level of trauma and disgust has happened to us and from which people. Regardless of what age this started happening to us, we were powerless as children, but as adults, we’re not. We can turn it around, heal, recover from all the lies and the treachery in our past and start living a true life with actual people. However, when we keep holding other people responsible for our life, they will never fix it because only we can.

The following is the truth about narcissists. Their lying and false self-destruction are not personal, even though it deeply feels like it, but it’s not. Hurt people hurt people and use others because they’re narcissistic and self-absorbed. After all, it’s all about their primal survival.

I’m not saying that what they did is okay, it isn’t. But I’m putting it into this perspective. Everyone is doing their own version of life by the level of consciousness of their inner being. Narcissists don’t have an inner being. It was killed off at the helm. Instead, a parasitic entity has taken over, creating a terribly insecure front that runs amuck with ego.

There literally is no consciousness to love, respect and generate wholesomeness. The consciousness of this cancerous, toxic entity that has taken over the narcissist only extends to getting a narcissistic supply. So lying is as necessary for that as it would be for any imposter who is not welcome trying to fit in undetected.

Unless narcissist meets, loves, heals and revives their inner being back to health and shift out the trauma and the ego, there will not practice integrity. It’s not going to happen.

 

 

Healing The Trauma of Living A Lie

So as always, the healing solution for us traumatised and living a lie with these people lies within ourselves.

So what do we do? First, we look at these two things, how we’ve been living as a false self. Please know I am not insinuating that you’re a liar. In fact, most people who get with narcissists have amazing integrity and hate lying. That’s not what I’m referring to. I’m going to explain more in a minute. Then we look at how much we hate a lack of integrity and deeply oppose lying.

  1. Living As A False Self

How have we been a false self? What constitutes a false self which both narcissists and codependents can suffer from? What is that?

I believe it’s a person who’s not whole yet or integrated at an inner being level. A false self is self-divorced, self-abandoning, anxious, depressed, prone to self-medicating and running away from their troubled emotions instead of going towards them. They often make poor choices when feeling emotional pain, such as addictions, unhealthy relationships, terrible self-talk, et cetera.

A false self is someone who tries to seek wholeness from energy and people outside of themselves. It is harsh to describe people with scruples and integrity who don’t like hurting others and are likelier to harm themselves as false.

And if we’re being a false self, it means we’re not true to ourselves. We don’t have a truly loving connection with ourselves. We may even overcompensate that anxiety, depression and feelings of emptiness inside with a mask that we wear to hide our genuine inner relationship with ourselves. Essentially, we live a lie because what happens inside and outside doesn’t match. Interestingly, the results we have in our lives deeply match what is going on inside regardless of the mirage we try to present on the outside. I hope this makes sense to you.

2. Feeling Deep Opposition To Lack Of Integrity

We don’t like people who lie.Ā  We may think we’re saying no to something but actually saying yes.

So this is my question to you. Do you detest liars as a feeling within you that is strong and highly charged? I used to. If that is you, you’re actually saying yes to them constantly. You’ll keep lining up your experience, and they’ll keep presenting themselves to you repeatedly as they used to with me.

The more people that lie and betray you, the more these people turn up, and the more you cement within yourself the belief that people who profess to love me lie to and betray me. And then the more life is going to say to you, the almighty seed of creation, the incredible creator that you are, I’m going to give you the evidence of the universal creative machine that you are by your inner programs backed with emotional power. I’m going to provide you with more of that.

In other words, we get more of whatever we’re charging. Whatever we’re in, our being is created. We’re incredible, influential universal creators.

You may declare it that, but this is happening. It is my reality. People who get close to me always lie or hurt me; yes, I am traumatised. I am upset about people lying to me.

I’m here to tell you I didn’t write the rules of the almighty mechanics of creation, or another word for that is God or life force or consciousness or whatever you want to call that higher power. We didn’t create it, but the system of it is as absolute as gravity. You cannot have intense emotional energy regarding anything and not continue to live the experience. That’s impossible.Ā You just can’t.

So you may say, “I can’t get to peace about people lying. I hate it. It’s wrong.” And my answer to that is that the only solution is to release all of the trauma and the judgment within you that has accumulated from lies and betrayals, and then, you will have no charge about liars anymore.

Then you’ll come into close proximity, and you’ll see it. Because that previous trauma is released, you will say, “Oh, there goes a liar.” Hopefully, you will be conscious enough to say, “Wow, I just had no charge on that. Gosh, that’s different from how I used to be. There’s no pain on that at all. Liars just aren’t my reality anymore. I’ve got no need to wrestle or roll around with them or have anything to do with them at all. Yay, that feels so clean.”

You’ll punch the air with joy because this is your emancipation. You just graduated, and you know you have. So this means you’ve walked it in real time. No more liars need to come into your experience to teach you how to heal the one place we can ever release ourselves from anything- inside of us.

Because in quantum truth, there is no outside. Everything is a hologram relating to our consciousness. We’re creating the whole thing. The outer matches the inner always.

So let’s say we get determined to self-partner and be authentic. This doesn’t mean that we’re trauma free or perfectly healed. It means that we are with ourselves unconditionally and prioritise our inner relationship with ourselves.

We work on freeing ourselves from the traumas and beliefs that have prevented us from loving and approving ourselves instead of trying to get it from other people because that is always equalled how to lose. So that’s it.

That’s all we need to do. We meet our inner being when we need to. We show up for ourselves. We stop self-avoiding, self abandoning and self-medicating, trying to get our painful feelings to shut up. By eliminating all of that, we turn toward instead of away. We start aligning as a true self function, whether healed or not.

Raising our consciousness, which only happens through self-partnering, moves us out of orbit with the false self, and we start existing on a completely different frequency. One where we’re healing, integrating and moving into wholeness.

Because we now love and accept ourselves, we start showing up in our outer world authentically. The inner starts to match the outer. We’re no longer scared of people not loving and accepting us and putting on a front trying to be what we think we must be for them to love us. We’re happy to be ourselves regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing or what they do or don’t think.

 

Conclusion

The incredible irony is that we start getting accepted and loved by more healthy people than we could have imagined.

The narcissist, the pathological liar, came into our lives to show us the hugest gift. I’m not being authentic to myself. I’m not yet whole, I’m not yet integrated, and I’m not yet free and powerful without a mask. I’m still figuring it out, and I take responsibility for the powerful generative source I am.

So the greatest lie turns us towards the greatest truth, the gift of our true self and how to heal and become it, and start releasing into the life that was the only true one for us to live. If you want to experience this shift, NARP is my highest suggestion.

So I hope that that resonates with you.Ā  I would love you to come over to the blog to discuss this at blog.melanietoniaevans.com, and I look forward to answering your comments and questions there.

So until the following video, we know what to do.

Keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. That’s it from me.

Lots of love. Bye-bye.

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80 thoughts on “Why Do Narcissists Pathologically Lie?

  1. I found this video to be exceptionally powerful, Melanie! I feel as if I leveled up on the consciousness scale. It was tremendously helpful to me in my journey to heal myself from narcissistic abuse. It helped me to reach deeper inside myself to find what I need to heal myself of internally. This video really spoke to me, and gave me a new and much-needed perspective for my healing. Thank you for all the wonderful healing and helping you do for me and many others.

    1. Agree, such a clear and powerful message! It offers a rare hope for narcissists themselves, the chance of self-awareness as a path out of their own trauma.

    2. Thank you – this was the best information to date to help with a life-long struggle with a narcissistic older sister. I have followed you for some time…. several times you have “hit home” … this video did it again. My mother once stated “she will lie even when the truth is right in her hand”. As an adult the problem grew to a more malignant state. When caught she lies denies projects and destroys – all the while blaming the target / me. Trying to maintain a limited but decent respectful relationship is beyond challenging.
      I will return to this video again for understanding and again I thank you.

        1. Melanie, thanks for all the insight. It has really helped me.
          I have a question that you may be able to answer.
          My older sister seemed to change into a narcissist when she was about 40. Before that she seemed so normal and nice. I hadn’t had any contact with for years until she recently reared her ugly head.
          Now in her sixties I thought she might have mellowed a little but she is worse than ever!
          Does this disorder come on at a later age somtimes?

          1. Hi Jean,

            I do believe there can be a trigger event that brings it on. It’s rare but has been stated by a few people as a real occurrence.

            Wishing you healing for this – it must have been very painful – and still would be – for you.

            Mel xo

      1. Hey Elizabeth,
        I have an older sister who is a narcissist too and I have experienced being the target of smear campaigns and well-poisonings etc. And actually I still do now, but I actually have some tools to deal with it thanks to NARP. This is a piece that I have struggled with and it is definitely tied into why I regularly have formed relationships with professional liars time and time again, even though I love truth and strive for honesty. It seems to come back to accepting myself for who I am right now (not what I was or what I could be). I too will be coming back to this. It is this piece that has held me in limbo for years. I felt like I would just be exchanging out liars and the effort and fallout is just so horrendous, it is not worth it until I shift out this piece. It seems to be more than just letting go and having hope for a new relationship. It really is about our own feelings and patterns around honesty and it does not have much to do with anyone else for the healing part of it. I am just starting to see how some people repeat these patterns their whole lives and we are lucky enough to have a way out, into a better option. I feel very fortunate to have found Melanie Tonia Evans’ meditations and teachings. I responded to your post because I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

      2. Elizabeth, your older sister sounds like my sister almost exactly! I could not have described her better myself.
        However after enduring her abuse for the last 25 yrs,
        I feel no obligation to be in touch with her because it never ends. It just never ends. Her own daughter (wonderful person!) doesn’t even have anything to do with her!

    3. Mel- as usual outstanding! Spot on!. If you want healing this is the place to be! I am thriver now living with inner peace and joy with the help of your videos and articles. I can spot people with NPD and simply set boundaries with no emotional drama. I know in their toxic lives they are wounded and damaged and function with the emotional capacity of young children. I often think of them as aliens pretending to be humans so they can get supply.They fake emotions because they don’t have a true self. They are incapable of empathy, compassion & doing anything for someone else. Everything revolves around their own desires and being victims. No matter what happens ,they honestly believe in their own distorted reality , that they are the victims and no one will ever be able to convince them otherwise . Once I realize this,it was so liberating because I stopped expecting them to behave as normal people. I also stopped taking any of their behavior personally. That’s really the key. I was able to accept that they are doing the best they can living as unconsciousness beings and I was able to move forward in my own life without looking back! Thanks again! Hugs Maryrose

      1. Hi Maryrose,

        That is awesome that you are Thriving!

        It is so true how liberating that is when we accept what they are and that this is NOT our reality.

        You are very welcome. Hugs and much love to you šŸ™‚

        Mel xo

    4. I am healing from deep narcissistic abuse after a 10 year “relationship/marriage” now with 3 small children. I would have never found the strength to end or understand this relationship without Melanie’s help. Watching her videos even post divorce always help to remind me of how very real my unreality was. I would like to move past only listening to things about narcissistic traits to working more on how to stop caring so much about being accepted by others and behaving the way that I think they want me to behave. I do consciously do this and would love Melanie to give some examples of how we can do this, be authentic, and not care if it might be displeasing or not good enough for someone else. Thank you so much Melanie for all that you have done to help me grow so much to the point that I stopped self blaming for everything. However in social situations I do now find myself criticizing myself internally and feeling insecure about my looks and feelings and going over conversations in my head that I feel normal self loving individuals would not give a second thought to. If you could post about this I would really appreciate it!!

      1. Hi Deidre,

        Please know we all really have suffered from trying to seek love and approval from outside of ourselves.

        I truly believe cleaning that up is an inside job – you will not “feel” like that until you stop feeling like that. Which means healing the traumas of WHY you feel like that.

        That is essentially what the inner work of NARP is https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp: all about cleaning up the traumas of trying to seek love outside of ourselves (co-dependency) by healing the original traumas (childhood) where our Inner Identity wasn’t able to grow up as a solid Source to self.

        I truly don’t know of ANY practical ways to fix it, I only know how to heal it at its core.

        Does that make sense?

        Mel xo

    5. married to a narcississt who is divorcing me; i could never undertand why she acted the way she did; constant lies and foolish me alwasy found excuses in my head to rationalize or not believe that i knew they were lies. she would say that i did or say words that i never did or say. unblievable twissting of truth. i knew she was a liar from the beginning but fell under her spell. i would get so upset trying to convinve her that her intrepretation of what happened was not reality i would lose it. i became a person i was never before. even now i find it so very hard to get ger he out of my mind because i still think about the beginning but she is not that person i thought i married and never was. i am an older man and i will not likely recover; a painful and costly lesson. if you date someone and you catch them in a lie they are likely to continue and worsen. WF

  2. Definitely Wetiko running the whole show on the malignant end of the spectrum. It’s sad, but to help heal humanity we absolutely must heal ourselves first and foremost. Great episode! As always, thanks for sharing your experiences and insights. ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø

  3. powerful mel thank you ..hard to stop shifting the blame when iv live with this pathological mad one but yes my ultimate lie was always staring at me …thankyou ….

  4. This video takes on a totally new meaning now that I have started doing quantum healings. Although new, and just getting started, miraculous changes have been taking place. One of them being closely related to this video. Being able to detect danger happens without thinking. As you say, and this it 100% true…….you can just walk away from potential predators. Not having that junk in my body gives them nothing to work with and manipulate. Melanie, there is a new person being created from the outer shell of an old person……..and it is exciting!!! This is not a frightening situation…..rather it is a powerful and strength building way of living.
    My Mindfulness Meditation experience is serving as a basic grounding for this more advanced form of thinking,living and relating. Finally, the time has come to get involved with the blog that works with the healings.
    Once again I thank you Melanie for being a trailblazer….finally meeting narcissism face to face and winning the struggle…….it just takes the effort, work and belief.

    1. Well said Ocean Breeze. I’ve been listening to Melanie for two years now and have extricated myself from a narcissists and two codependents whose lies and abuse were destroying my healing process. The people who have come into my life are truthful, do not lie, gossip or betray. I’ve never felt more centered or grounded and by separating them from my physical life, they leave my mental and spiritual existence alone a little more each day. I was diluting myself that they were capable of loving me. I will no longer allow them to use or abuse me again.

    2. Hi Ocean Breeze,

      I love that your inner and outer worlds are shifting šŸ™‚

      I agree it is so exciting – and we start to feel truly ALIVE!

      Keep doing such a great job – and please know how welcome you are.

      Mel xo

  5. Hi Melanie,

    Just love your vids, cannot get enough of them.

    I completely understand you when you say we, the ex partner of a narc are also operating from a false self. The codependent self. I can see how my codependency originated from my early years and I took on the role of a caretaker, people please etc to cover the pain I was in. That’s how I coped with life. And yes I agree that having a narc come into my life has really been a god send otherwise I would never have got in touch with my stuff.

    Melanie, I am doing ok but for one thing…..I cannot get this man out of my head. I am continually playing scenes in my head of what I am going to say to him if I see him. He lives just under me. It is obsessive thinking but I cannot seem to stop it. I know that obsessing is a way to not feel pain.

    Do you have any suggestions I can use to stop this.

    Many thanks and please keep the vids coming. They are life savers.

    1. Hi Helena……Having been a Co-Dependent like you, your post caught my attention. I was able to go to a special program for a week to deal with that several years ago. When you spoke about having a man still in your head….right away I though to myself that you need to do a Quantum healing…..
      Melanie will be along soon to comment on what we all have to say……..I do not want to sound like an advertisement to become a Narp member…..but I have been there big time………getting relief and moving on is the most amazing gift I have received in decades!!!

    2. Hi Helena,

      Thank you and I am so pleased you enjoy them šŸ™‚

      Helena are you working with NARP and detoxifying the trauma that is causing those obsessions to stay wedged and operating within you.

      That – doing the Program – is the way to get free of that.

      It’s the Quanta Freedom Healings in NARP that got me and most of us completely clean and free.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  6. Thank you so much . As always you put things in such great perspective – reminding us that the power is always with us – and what we concentrate on we attract.

  7. Mel, I love how you mentioned it feels so “clean” not to be affected by liers. Never thought of it that way before.

  8. Thank you so much Melanie. My ex narc is very charming and knows how to seduce. It is already a year that I split up because I unmasked her but she keeps doing things to purposely hurt me. Somehow, she is still under my skin though I am stronger than how I was. I have learned that narcs are evil, thus we have to stay away from them. We were not in love with them but with the character that they have created to make us fall in their malicious plans for narcissistic supply and self gratification. Xxx

  9. Melanie…what I want to know is, when narcissists lie to get you in trouble (mine cut himself because he knew I’d called police and he told them I did it), is this still unconscious or do they KNOW? Does he really believe I cut him with the glass?

  10. Magical healing from your great knowledge, Melanie. I love it. I’m thankful for your videos.
    My ex narcissist enjoyed lying, I could see a glow on his face when he completed his mission “impossible” and was getting away with it undetetected. He acted cool, charming and cheerful, the happy liar. Nobody was suspicious about him, people used to question me about what was going on.
    I think my children are turning into narcissists.
    I was looking for some videos on your channel.

  11. I loved this so much, so very insightful and simple but profound. Something really clicked. It moved me to tears, because I have healed enough that I could bring my authentic self to listen. What I get is this: Any draw and or pull toward the narcissistic person, is a direct reflection of what is inauthentic still in me. The repellant to narcissists, is authenticity. That is when I remove myself from the false reality because my true self no longer has anything in common with the lie or fantasy. There is nothing to stick to, no adhesive left. The biggest most deep lie, is that ‘nobody REALLY loves me’. This was the set up that lead to what I call, the deal with the devil. I am not calling the narc the devil, here. The devil is the lie I once believed, that I am not lovable. Now I do! I love me, and the more this reality permeates ALL of my being, all the parts, the more whole I become. I find myself crying with joy, quite often, as I take in, real love. It is in the intimate connection I feel with God, that I am finally connecting to what it means to love myself, and live in the powerful true reality, of being connected to the source that holds the universe in place. It is so different from a false love which attempts to grasp externally, what I can only grasp by the inward journey that is faced with humility and a lot of compassion. If i could encourage anyone here in this community, I would say, “never give up, keep mining for gold, it is real, and you will find it”. Thank you so much Mel, for showing up, standing up, and standing for your own authenticity, and thereby the authenticity of all you touch.

    1. You took the words out of my mouth Ruth. In tears. It takes courage to do what we do in healing and thriving. And we have lots of courage. My best days are when I’m faith filled and fear free. I look forward to more of those days. Thank you for sharing.
      Mel, this video is hugely powerful. So helpful and inspiring. Thank you.

  12. Everything you email to my mailbox Melanie seems to be when I am asking for guidance on that particular question/issue with my ex narcissist. My son asked me what a pathological liar is and ping .. there is the answer in my mailbox.. it is synchronicity at its best. I have hit the jackpot to my transformation from victim to thriver bring directed to you Melanie, by Leila Reyes.. as I have never read so much material that resonates with my experience and found anyone anywhere that gets it… until now! I can not wait to get started with the healing process you offer and want to thank you for the important job you are doing of empowering those decimated by being close to a narcissist, to radically learn, shift and transform their pain into self power!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  13. Thank you. You are totally spot on with this video. It is something to not be affected by all of the lies that are thrown at oneself. But as you have said before in many of you videos, it is all about us healing ourselves. We cannot expect anyone else but ourselves to heal our self. We are in charge of that, nobody else is. Thank you.

  14. Incredibly helpful! Thank you!

    I’m wondering how to deal with a child who pathologically lies? This is an adopted child with many other challenges, but who has always had dishonesty to the core. With age and reinforcement by the adoptive father who is an N ex, the problems he’s created and is getting into are becoming more serious. How does one parent a child in this dynamic and stay balanced?

  15. Melanie you put out such wonderful videos. Thank you!
    I do have one question. How do you discern the calculated manipulation from the lies they tell because they actually believe it to be true?

  16. This came right on time! I know that the judgment that I feel towards liars is connected to past narc abuse, and disengaging while being aware is the best step forward. I’m happy that this liar reflects that there is still a bit of stuff to release, but I hope to be able to observe their behavior with a mix of humor and empathy.

  17. Hi Mel

    Thank you for your timing with this message. I was in court last week for a trial, initiated by the N, and interestingly the N had no support with him as I believe he did not want his family knowing the truth about anything to do with his atrocious behaviour towards me. As expected he also had a N barrister who tried to annihilate me, and I stood my ground and was authentic, and well prepared. However, because I exposed the N in court, he is now trying to re trigger my fears as he desperately tries to obtain fuel and offload his malfunctioning parts onto me. I feel in some respects that this has set me back in my healing journey, and I have been moduling to try to relieve myself of this. Yes, I have found in my experience and from other thrivers, that Ns lie as often as the people that they are with tell the truth. I need to take the personal factor out of the equation, as the N predominantly uses lies to line me up for persecution with authorities. He states that I am the accused for all of the nasty things which he does, and then I am forced to defend myself as I cannot detach in the legal arena.
    I am determined to keep the focus on my healing, and will feel what I need to heal. Thanks for crystallising this for me, and redirecting me on the path to true healing once again.

    Xxx?

    1. Hi Possum,

      You are very welcome. That is so wonderful Possum that you stood your ground and was authentic. That is powerful.

      It is so true that N’s will use lies to persecute, and it shouldn’t shock us – because it was always going to happen. But of course, it is still a terrible trauma to overcome – that terror of being persecuted, especially maliciously.

      You’ve got this Possum – you are doing a fantastic job. Just keep shifting the trauma out and showing up as your True Self – that is the most powerful force in the Universe.

      You are doing great šŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  18. My son’s father and my son are BOTH narcissists. I have gone no contact. It is much clearer to me now what is going on. It seems harder on some level when it is your child, but he, like his father is a pathological liar. I continue to get stronger with your program. Would like to hear from others who have narcissistic adult children. Mine is 22 years of age, and making one bad choice after the next. I realize I can’t fix this or rescue him anymore.

    1. Hi Rye,

      I am so pleased that you are using NARP To heal this trauma.

      And my heart goes out to you – you are doing a fantastic job.

      It’s so true that you can’t rescue or fix him, or allow the abuse to you either.

      Bless you Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

      1. This is my case too.
        Having a narcissist son of a narcissist father. He is only 13.
        I might be in time to do something .
        I just had divorced after 28 years.
        I can handle my ex lies and narcissism with a lot of work.
        But my son.. .. he is my son my responsibility, my flesh and blood.
        I would like so much to help him, before is too late for him and for me.

    2. Dea Rye,
      It hurts so much when it is your son. You can’t divorced him.
      My son is only 13. With your experience is there anything you could have done when your kid was my son’s age?
      Thanks

  19. This one really hit home. Excellent topic.

    First, I felt guilty because when my life at home was so absolutely horrible I would cover up and present a “peaches and roses” front at work and with friends. I know I embellished the truth and lived in a make believe world because my reality was so bad. The end result was a horrible depression.

    On the other hand my Son and I have just within the past year started to acknowledge what a huge liar my Narcissist X really is! A lot of things have just vanished off my property and were supposedly taken by a man who lives nearby and is a professional thief (criminal record both current and going back 10 years – he has a pending case for multiple car break-ins).

    Our Narc has supposedly told this person to never set foot on the property again etc etc. Recently I was home for a few days along with my Son and this man actually stopped by the house like nothing had happened. My Son told him in light of what he did he was no longer welcome. The guy had a very puzzled expression on his face and left.

    My Son later commented to me “Don’t you think Steve’s reaction was odd considering Dad had supposedly said he had already told him not to set foot on our property again?”

    I don’t think we ever will really know what has been going on but I suspect the Narc has told them that it is ok to just walk in and take stuff and/or the Narc is going through my things and selling what he wants when he needs extra money.

    Let’s just say that because I have continually been visiting your blog I have become “enlightened” to my situation in ways I never thought possible.

    Thank you

    1. Hi No Name,

      I am glad this resonated with you.

      So many of us did this. And I really do believe it was not so much us being dishonest to others – of course, we were being dishonest to self … we wanted it to be SO different from what it was.

      I am pleased you are getting clarity, healing and strength, and that I can help.

      Mel xo

  20. This video was a saviour for me I think I probably watched it 3 times. I have just newly broken up with my narcissistic finance of 7 years and although it us still fresh and very much raw, I feel a sense of enlightenment. I thought I was going crazy that I was imagining thing, even though my gut instinct was telling me otherwise. They are such intelligent, clever and cunning for their own needs. A mirage, facade: I could not see past it. And the best bit I am a trainee psychologist – I managed to get sucked in and spat out the other end. I only hope that more of us realise earlier and are able to recover effectively. What gives me hope is that I am not the only one and that there is a life after this emotional, psychological and physical abuse.

    1. Hi Anoushka,

      I am so pleased this has helped you.

      And that you feel hope for your future. There is so much healing and evolution from these experiences for us!

      I know you will find that!

      Mel xo

  21. Dear all,
    This blog is very useful but sometimes it makes me feel even worse. It’s tough to hear that a person I thought was my darling, had all the time some “sinister agenda”. My n wasn’t so bad, I think. I think most of my suffering came (I’m now much better than some months ago when we broke up) from…not so much what he was or wasn’t, how much n was etc…It’s not so much about how much he possible abused me or what he did to me, but I’m disappointed, that he wasn’t and can’t be “the one” I had been dreaming about, probably my whole life. I thought I had finally found a “safe harbour”. So yeah, that hurts. But what is comforting me is this thought, ending of a relationship always hurts and disappoints, even if the man would be completely normal person. I hold on so tight of this dream of him as my “soulmate/the one”…that I ignored all the red flags and that’s probably I endured all his bizarre behaviour for so long.
    But despite being a n, I could swear some moments he was genuine and normal, as “normal” as a n can be! We talked about sports, nutrition, dogs, culture…that was all very nice and sincerely, enriching my life. But it’s all over now. I’m sad sometimes, but I can forgive him, everything. It’s sad he was “born this way” and probably will never change.

    But: Already over a decade ago, before the n, I had a relationship (or so I thought!) with another man, and this was not a n. I could say he really abused me. He just used me as long as it was “convenient” for him, promising me real relationship and everything…until he found the “real thing”(?), this other woman, and he dumped me immediately. It took me over 4 years to recover and in the beginning, the pain was so much I just wanted to kill myself. It’s horrible to think now, that once upon a time I really felt that way. And all because of a man, who is a total…swine. When I think about this case, words come to my mind that are unsuitable to type here and I still feel a strong resentment towards him, like I can’t forgive him. I was thinking this just yesterday; why I can so easily forgive the n, understand him (that the way he behaves is because he is wired that way) and he has even helped me to see what I need to heal within myself. It’s unbelievable (but true), that this “normal” man was actually much worse abuser!! He actually abused me and made me feel abused. The n is not conscious what he does, he does not understand that he can make another person suffer, because of him. But when a so called normal person abuses and hurts and probably is aware of it…I don’t even know what to think about it, it’s just horrible.

    I do not defend my n or n’s. They are what they are. But that doesn’t “matter”. What matters to me, was this realization: What role he played in my life. There is so much written here in this blog how bad n’s are and how fake they are. But I think he came into my life to finally release myself from my past, from my childhood patterns. Or he did not “do” it, but he was the catalyst to my healing process. I think it is incredinly beautiful idea, and just about as real as it gets! On surface level he was of course “fake”, but this deeper meaning…. And this other, non-n man; he just was abusing, and I was left with nothing but bitterness. So I think teh world is not so black and white; “n’s are bad and non-n’s nearly angels”. Seemingly normal, non-n men can have too very unhealthy and unwholesome motives to enter/maintain/end a relationship..and that caused me even more damage than this n. So yes…I’m confused, not sure what to think about this all.

    1. Elina – this is what is so odd to me about N’s. They can seem perfectly normal for a while and then just do the craziest things to you for no apparent reason whatsoever. I guess they have triggers too. Likewise our major N appears to have some redeeming social qualities and he is also very smart and talented.

    2. Hi ELina,

      my take on it – is absolutely N’s act out as they do, often in very specific and even “common” ways – but their agenda is NOT personal.

      It is simply the result of inner wounds (the disorder) and surviving the best way they can.

      This Community is also all about us taking the gift of our personal healing from this – that is what is key. And an intense gratitude and soul love occurs for N’s, for so many of us, when we do that – it’s just that we may not necessarily want to continue the cycles of abuse with them.

      Wishing you healing and relief Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  22. Hi Mel,

    I absolutely loved this episode.

    Again, this message came at the perfect time for me. I am looking forward to moduling tonight. I feel as if this is where I was stuck in relation to my children in which the N has used them against me.

    Forever grateful for the work you do and bringing so much awareness to our souls who desperately know that we are worth so much more and deserve the life that we desire.

    Love,
    Amy

  23. At the age of 64 I am finally confronting my NPD husband after 42 years of lying/cheating/financial,verbal & emotional abuse and confronting my own ‘need to please’. He has lied about everything in the 46 years I have known him – as you said, even when he doesn’t have to. And I have believed him. He has ‘turned his life around & repented before God’ (his words). He has turned into ‘Mr Wonderful’. This time I realise that it is Hoovering again and he can’t quite understand why I am not buying the lies. After all he has four degrees, including a PhD, and I am ‘an uneducated liar’ (his words again). Fortunately our 3 of our 4 grown children can see right through it and I have great support. But because he is a charming, very articulate man, most other people believe him. It is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life but I am strong, fit and healthy, have a good job and a good lawyer. Your YouTubes have been an integral part of my self education. Two psychologists and a counsellor had no idea what i was going through or how to help me! You have come in to my life at exactly the right time šŸ™‚

    1. Hi Lynette,

      I am so happy for you that you are feeling strong and that it is your time.

      Big Kudos to you šŸ™‚

      Sending you best wishes and much power and truth, and I am so pleased I can help.

      Mel xo

  24. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing. This one is deep. I know I had a lot of charges of indignation and self-righteousness around lying, cheating selfishness etc.

    I wonder how you would deal with judgement?

    With lies, the solution is to find and shift out ‘where I am being inauthentic, where I am presenting a false front, faking it, or charges on people who lie’.

    What if I notice self-righteous judgments about others? For example: hypocrisy, cheating, stealing, manipulation, shallowness, wasting time, or whatever I notice I might make automatic assumptions about.

    So do I find a corresponding aspect of it in me, or just load up ‘SHR of this’? Asking the question leaves me feeling that this is what you’re going to say; stay literal, feel into it and shift. :-). (I am posting anyway, in case judgement can be treated differently. In the mean time, am doing shifts .)

    I realize I have a lot of judgments. e.g., my mom was a lousy mother. And that would be a self fulfilling prophecy for myself? So I really want to remove all judgement of others. It’s not my business, though it is an automatic reflex that I’m working on now.

    Thank you for this video. Your videos are worth viewing again, to digest. NARP has also brought me incredible peace, solidness and real confidence, for which I thank you deeply.

    Gratitude and blessings!

    1. Hi Zainab,

      you are very welcome. I love your self-honesty and that fact that you are working so diligently on your inner shifting.

      To target the judegment – I would simply state “What energy blocks are in my body causing me to ‘judge’ in any way.” Then just follow where it lights up.

      And naturally – too – the SH & R is the cleaning up, and the tartgered stuff is what I said above … Your body will find it and make it “felt” for you.

      That is all you need to do.

      I hope this helps, and I am so pleased NARP has helped you heal so much šŸ™‚

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  25. Hi Melanie!
    Something bothers me…I think during my life I’ve already attracted 2, possibly 3 n’s! Even one would be too much! Now I’ve gained the understanding, that things do not happen to me, but through me. Somehow I myself have been the “source” of this experience, even though I never consciously wanted it, of course not! I see now, it is the childhood “woundings” that caused this. But now I don’t understand: my sister is just one year older than me, and she found her husband when she was young and now they have been happily married over 15 years. My sister is balanced and normal and would never ever tolerate a n, not even one minute! But I, I have endured them…years šŸ™ I have struggled my entire life with love relationships, and at this point of my life (41 years) nearly giving up hope of ever finding a normal, good man. It makes me very sad. I’m a good person and I would have a lot to offer for a man. So I don’t understand: me and my sister, same childhood, same parents, same family, same school, even many same teachers, same care givers when we were children…why she isn’t traumatized, at all…and I am? I see now, as an adult, that I have since childhood formed many “patterns”, limiting beliefs, and many “survival strategies” (which obviously do not “work”, as the result is attracting n’s and other abusers). Why this happened to me, what’s “wrong” with me? šŸ™

    1. Hi T,

      This I would love you to deeply understand in regard to our wounding.

      There is only one true way to resolve it. Accept it is there, meet it, shift it out and replace it with higher consciousness that will heal it. (Such as use QFH Modules in NARP on it).

      Any anaysis parlysis about why it is there, why others dont have it or even how it got there is not what can heal us. It just keeps us stuck in not meeting it within and releasing it.

      The short answer to the question is – this was not your sister’s soul plan. It was yours.

      There is nothing wrong with you – anymore than there was something wrong with me being filled with painful beleifs and trauma, yet two of my four siblings have great and non-complicated lives.

      Our path is just our path – its our soul created experience so that we can evolve. It’s what we choose at the deepest level of our being before we got here, and the irony is “we don’t remember that” until we start deeply meeting our trauma and healing it.

      Then we do.

      I so hope this helps you.

      Mel xo

  26. Hi Melanie. Thank you so much for all that you do!!!!

    Question:

    Has a narcissist always been a narcissist? Or can it develop over time? Does it get worse in middle age?
    The narcissist I was married to seems to be spiraling more and more into narcissistic madness with each year….

    1. Hi Terri,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased I can help šŸ™‚

      To answer your question – any “crack” in the functioning – such as a submeged True Self and a False Self in its place, will get worse over time.

      Just as any dysfynction will in anything that is unhealed.

      Mel xo

  27. My ex would like about everything from if he actually had paid the electric bill to if he had had an affair. When I found I the truth, I just couldn’t understand – WHY NOT just TELL THE TRUTH? Your words help to understand a bit why.

  28. Wow this video was amazing! Sitting here balling my eyes out but i can understand every single word and i am going to apply it to my life and myself. Living in pain is getting too much

  29. Hi Melanie,
    Thanks so much for another insightful post, I have gotten so much from your site and webinar.
    I have a query for you. As I noticed in an earlier post where one woman said her sister appeared to develop narcissistic behaviours in her forties. My husband of 24 years,turned on a dime when I caught him out in his six month ongoing affair with a prostitute in Thailand. From a loving devoted, caring,thoughtful husband who gave no hint of self absorbed, narcissistic behaviour and who cared for me and my family, he spun the whole thing around into me, froze me out, blames everyone in my family for the terrible, disrespectful way they treated him and on and on and on. I could not believe what I was hearing! It has taken me six months to come to terms with the ‘split/flip’. He has not reneged, backed down or apologised in any way and has cut himself off completely from my family and is treating me with barely concealed contempt. I have researched narcissists for quite some time now but I have yet to find anything like this complete flip. Can you guide me in some direction or follow up reading? Unlike yourself and most others, I did not see or feel anything but love and devotion for 24 years and now I have a self absorbed, calculating, lying monster as a husband.

    1. Hi Tania,

      my heart goes out to you – this is beyond painful.

      My suggestion would be that he was leading a double life … and the “being discovered” was a threat to his reputation, image, identity. There certainly have been cases of Ns who were very effectively leading double lives until found out regarding “whatever it is”… who then have turned .. and didn’t until this happened.

      It is not usual but I have heard about it.

      Not being accountable, sorry, remorseful is most certainly an indication that his reputation (ego) is much more important to him than what his actions may have caused to others.

      I wish you healing and recovery from such trauma Tania.

      Mel xo

  30. Wow so helpful. Was married to an N for 11 years. He was abusive emotionally and physically. Finally separated in 2009 and took 5 years to finish the legal battle. WE have two kids who are 15 and 12. About 2.5 yrs ago, he took my oldest son to his side- Lied and blamed me for everything. My younger daughter is still living part time with me (shared time)- Your blogs and videos explain soooo much. THANK YOU. I am heart broken with my son gone and do worry about my daughter being swayed to his side and the lies. I have been working on me for year and have made huge progress. I finally feel I truly have a great inside being and outside life (and continue to work at it)
    My questions relate.. how to deal with him now and going forward as his behaviour hasn’t changed, and won’t. He is now using my son to do his dirty work
    1. We only communicate via text and email. But he lies and twists an arrangement we already made at the last moment. He is now using my son to pull my daughter to their side and she says she wants to go to his house/ a party/an event on my time. Do I agree to everything for my kids sake to not have them hate me? Do I stick to the plan we have and risk my son not wanting to see me (for the 4 days a month he does) or my daughter says she wants to live with him too? Do I let the kids decide what they want to do? They are manipulated by him so much right now.
    2. Any resource suggestions on parenting and how to help the kids when they one day realize he is a liar and/or to ensure they have a solid foundation and don’t become an N themselves.

  31. Thank you so, so much for this video, it was just what I am needing to hear right now. I am still really struggling with exposing the lies of my soon to be ex narcissist, in part because we have three children together and he is truly a pathological liar (so very difficult to co-parent with). I purchased your NARP programme a few weeks ago and have found it to be enormously helpful and healing in so many ways that I did not expect it to be. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the whole series (I also purchased the modules on healing Family of Origin issues).

    I am wondering whether there is a particular module or modules that you think might be helpful for me to work more closely with in order to come to terms with letting go of my need to expose his lies and prove him wrong; and perhaps to release my need to be “right” and come to term with my own false self?

    1. Hi Phoenix Rising,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased it resonates wuth you. That is great that you are doing the inner work now directly on your traum -because that is where your power truly is.

      Module 4 and 5 are specifically created to help you with this – especially Module 5. Usually Module 1 comes first until pain releases a lot, (which it seems you have done) and because you know specifically what it is that is your sticking point – I would suggest to go to Module 5 work now to get relief and healing for this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  32. Thankyou so much for your video you are so right and I now don’t feel alone my partner had left hadent herd from him in 5 days, we have a 4 year old daughter that is really confused. He had a serious car accident and has brocken his pelvis, arms, legs, ribs and collar bone we had separated 5 days earlier as he has haveing affairs. Using drugs and being violent and now expects me to be there for him I don’t know what to do, I haven’t told our daughter as I think it’s too much for her we live 3 hours from the hospital. Any advice

    1. Hi Christina,

      Awww gosh. My suggestion is to let go and heal. When people are not healthy for us and we continue to be there and allow it, then it continues.

      You are not responsible for the consequences of his behaviour, he is.

      Christina, I know it is so difficult sweetheart to not feel sorry for, be hooked into and keep enabling abusive out of control people, however when you turn inwards to start facing and confronting the parts of us that are emotionally hooked – then you will get free.

      That is what all of my work is about. Iā€™d love you to start understanding and unravelling how to take your power back, for you and your daughter.

      This can help – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending your strength, truth and healing.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

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