I understand the trauma and horror that is felt when a narcissist moves on to a new supply – often in the time it takes to boil an egg!

I really wanted to do this Thriver TV episode because I hear how agonizing it is when the narcissist discards you for someone new, and even worse when you see them so in love and forthcoming with this new person.

I often hear this: ” S/he seems to be granting the new supply everything I wanted. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?”

This is why I really wanted to do this ThriverTV episode for you. I promise you that in true Thriver orientation, I want to bring the power back to you to give you relief from how shocking this feels and help you release this crippling story about the narcissist and the new supply.

I’m also going to help you understand how to never have to go through these feelings again and start attracting healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationships that you can TRUST!

That is what Thriving is! If you want true solutions to not just survive what you’re feeling but Thrive into your best life EVER after abuse, write “Thrive On!” in the comments below.

 

 

The Narcissist’s Perspective Regarding You and The New Supply

Okay, so let’s start by looking at it from the narcissist’s perspective. A narcissist doesn’t look at love and connection and unity the way you and I do. A narcissist doesn’t want to share their heart, life, and soul with somebody else, doesn’t want to grow together, and doesn’t want to create a happily ever after.

A narcissist doesn’t even want a partnership.

Well, you may think, why DO they have relationships? Why do they have people in their lives with whom they pretend to have committed relationships and even marriages?

It isn’t about partnership for a narcissist; it’s about a dictatorship. But it’s even worse and even more creepy than that. It’s about siphoning out that person’s soul, resources, and life force to feed the empty, dark, black hole inside that the narcissist really is.

Even worse, a narcissist sees any person that they are connected with intimately or closely as an object; they’re not flesh, blood, bone, or a soul. The narcissist holds this object responsible for what the narcissist needs and wants. And when that object cannot supply the unrelenting needs and wants, the narcissist must demonize that object, devalue it, discard it, and create it as the enemy.

You are an “it” to a narcissist; you are not a “human being.”

“How dare you not give me myself!” is really where the narcissist is vibrating. And, it even gets worse again … the narcissist needs to maintain an image out in the world of, “There’s nothing wrong with me; it was all the other person, and I am functional, good, and worthy of being recognized and admired.”

(Nothing could be further than the truth; it’s all a charade.)

So, when a narcissist ends a relationship with you because they are an empty black void, they need somebody quickly to receive a narcissistic supply again, which is attention, energy, life force, stuff, and resources. They also need to convince themselves that this person is the newest, greatest thing in their life and to get high off their own idolizing of the new person.

 

 

The 3 Reasons Why The New Supply Seems To Get Everything You Wanted

Number 1: The narcissist is going for the huge amount of narcissistic supply on offer in a new relationship and milking the idolizing stage.

The narcissist is not missing you – you were an object, no more than they genuinely love the new person – they are an object also. It looks all loved-up, wonderful, and incredible, but it’s all just about “the high.”

Number 2: The other purpose is to punish you because how dare you not supply the ecstatic feelings of attention and resources to keep the narcissist away from their own inner demons durably! Bad you for failing at that job! Therefore, you’re now the enemy, and the narcissist maliciously wants to punish you by granting the new supply exactly what was withheld from you, knowing full well that you are going to see it and that it’s going to hurt you.

It’s all part of a “Look how significant I am game.” The narcissist knows people get trauma bonded to them, can’t get them out of their heads, obsess about them, and check up on them.

They know that you’re going to investigate and see the new supply getting immediately and exactly what YOU hung out for. They got “the prize” that you, the greyhound, chased around the track after a rabbit, never caught. Of course, the narcissist knows this will devastate you—this ensures that they will capture your soul indefinitely, having your attached emotional energy for as long as they desire. It also comes in really handy for hoovering, triangulation, or just a good old “ether feed” off your emotional pain.

(You are in a spiritual war.)

Number 3: The third part of the game is that the narcissist needs to portray to all and sundry, “I’m healthy, look at me. They were the problem; that is why it didn’t work, and now I’ve got a really great person, and everything’s great, and I’m great, and my life is great.”

It’s all a show, and it is ALWAYS the same formula from one to the next.

 

How is the outcome the SAME For You And The New Supply?

The narcissist’s behavior with a new supply is this: “I’m going to find out what hurts you or what’s missing in your life,  purport to be the deliverer of it to hook you in, then start withdrawing it, and you’ll keep chasing it. Then I’ll make you believe it’s all your fault I’m not giving it to you. In the meantime, I get to extract more and more from you.”

With narcissists, we all have our unhealed traumas, and the narcissist works them out really quickly. For example, you may have the inner programming, “I’m not important, I’m irrelevant, and I don’t even exist.” The narcissist will initially shower you with the feeling that you are the only person in the room and in their life; you’re seen, you’re heard, you’re valued, and you think you’ve hit pay dirt.

But it’s all an act.

They worked out that that was what they needed to do to love-bomb you and get you to trust them and be attached. Then they start withdrawing it, and it all goes back to your original program of “I’m not seen, I’m not heard, I’m not valued, I’m invalidated,” they detach horrifically and make it think that it’s your fault.

You chase the original version you thought you had—the relief of your painful inner program supposedly ENDING via this person (that was the POWERFUL connection!).

With the new supply, the narcissist showers them with attention and gives them a ring on their finger and the commitment. They may marry them within months, and you would think it’s because they’ve met real love and you weren’t good enough.

However, they’re not committed to anything other than their own false self and narcissistic supply. They will literally do something so outrageous just to hurt you. Truly, I’ve had narcissists admit to me that they’ve made such decisions for that reason.

Okay, now let’s discuss the new supply. Let’s just say that they have an inner trauma program of “being distrusted and controlled.” They weren’t allowed to have their own freedom or their own rights.

The narcissist comes into their life, identifies this, and pretends to trust them. They say, “I’m not going to micromanage you. I want you to do your own thing. I want to give you space and freedom.”

The new supply thinks, “Oh my God, that’s amazing. Finally, I’m going to have somebody who’s not jealous. Somebody who’s got their own self-worth to let me have my life.”

It goes well for a time, then it reverts back. The narcissist starts questioning, interrogating, distrusting, and controlling. The new supply is constantly trying to go back to the dream person that they really believed the narcissist was – the reward for their praying and therapy for their painful past (oh yes, they had one, too!)

The truth is the new supply is going to go through exactly what you went through … idealize, devalue, discard … usually over and over again until the relationship explodes or they suffer in silence the abuse they accept, whilst the narcissist uses outer supply for thrills and significance.

 

Your Thriving FROM This

As Thrivers, we have the empowered orientation of “What is my gift? What is healing and growth in this?”

What is happening FOR us here?

When we met the narcissist, we thought we’d met the person who was going to be the soother of the wounds, the reward for everything we’ve been through in the past. They did provide this for a time, and we fell in and believed it. We gave them access to our bodies, our money, our property, our sexuality, our soul … our everything.

The Trojan horse got in the gates bearing gifts. We celebrated, and then while we relaxed and were asleep, the carnage unleashed – “I will hurt you, trauma bond you, and control you so that I can siphon out everything that I want from you whilst keeping you on the hook constantly.”

(This really is worse than a dictatorship; it’s a hostage situation.)

When you look at the new supply versus you, they are just at the beginning of the process. If the new supply, for example, has wounds of control, she will suffer pathological jealousy and sabotage until she becomes a shell.

Then, the narcissist can discard her and purposefully pick somebody who has their own career, who travels the world and needs freedom, and who has a supportive partner who trusts them and gives them space.

That will be rubbed in your predecessor’s face, the NEXT new supply receiving everything they WANTED from the narcissist.

(Truly, in nearly twenty years, I have had confirmation of this pattern more times than I can count.)

You, on the other hand, are at the end of this terrible process, where you are left with yourself – specifically the terrible triggers you are feeling right now.

What’s triggering off within you is, “I’m not enough to be loved. I’m not lovable enough to be chosen.” This is exactly how your childhood felt. You weren’t partnered with or validated, loved for your soul, or treated with compassion, kindness, and care.

After narcissistic abuse, it’s really hard to go on as normal with these existing traumas unless you realize this is your highest calling to turn inwards and go free from them – finally.

It’s important to understand that even though this information will give you peace and answers, it doesn’t change your inner programming. It’s only the inner work that does this. That’s the key to your liberation and healing, and to ensure that you never connect again to somebody who represents not being your inner program’s healer but will be its brutal messenger instead.

You can rise into the person who experiences energy clearing, just as I and so many people have, to finally NOT have that inner program running.

I hope this has helped.

Experience trauma energy clearing work, to not just survive but Thrive after narcissistic abuse with my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Progam™

I look forward to your comments and questions below.

Love Mel 🧡

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Commments (2) + Leave a comments

2 thoughts on “Why Does the Narcissist’s New Supply Get Everything I Wanted?

  1. Melanie: Your words are like a soothing balm on the wounds. So true, so welcome, so relieving. Yes, the work to make this happen where we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back to thriving again (withOUT the toxicity of others attempting to dump their poisonous narcissism into our lives — never again!) has at its core our own dedication to understanding and putting into practice the knowledge, skills and wisdom it takes to heal from this. This has its strange twists, turns and mind-bending aspects to it and certainly has its difficulties, but you, the people here on this blog and especially your NARP program show us that it is both do-able and allows us to become a better, wiser version of ourselves. Thank you so much for all you do with this community of once-wounded, new-and-improved, very deserving “wisdom warriors” on the other side. With your kind, knowing words and gentle, knowing approach, I continue my journey to thriver-hood! I wish all who gather here Best Wishes in ascendency to your true selves.

    1. Hi Man from California,

      It’s wonderful to see you commenting here. So true, healing form N-abuse is slippery, complex and not normal in any sense!

      We are blessed to have our community, each other and Quanta Freedom Healing!

      I LOVE how far you have come, and that there are many wonderful men in our community leaning in to heal, and also being a wayshower for others!

      Thank you for sharing your wisdom and encouragement with all of us.

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

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