This is Rhonda I have a question Who taught or showed the people who are narcissists what to do, how to act, and how to talk to be a narcissist cause I don’t see where they could been born knowing all of it. I don’t have a website all I have is a email cause I don’t work I don’t have a business I get SSI a month

Hello everyone my name is Rhonda Talley which is my married name and has been for 31 1/2 years that’s how long I’ve been married to my husband Benjamin and it’s my first and last marriage you see I’ve been damaged beyond repair is the way I feel I’m 53 and I’ve had nothing but abuse all my life I grew up in abuse as a child through my dad being physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me my mom and sisters when I was 13 I told my mom I would not put up with a ( male cause I can’t call them a man when they don’t act like one) doing me like she was letting my dad do her and I did just what I said cause when me and the male that I married got married it wasn’t til then that he thought he could put his hands on me and it took me putting him in jail 3 times for physical abuse before he got it that I wasn’t to be done any such way just because he didn’t like something I said but lied and said I was in his face is why he hit me and I was actually across the room from him and he got up and came over to where I was sitting it took me years of fear of my dad bc I was a child to get pass before I could stand up to a male and not be fearful of him I tell my husband I don’t fear man I fear God and he ain’t God!! My education was stolen from me through being abused by my dad I couldn’t focus, comprehend, or learn but I liked school for one reason that was bc I got a break from the hell hole I lived in at home I broke and stopped the physical abuse with my husband I wish I could have had him arrested for the mental emotional and verbal abuse he does to me all the material I had read about Narcissists only confirms what I’ve already have went through with him but I don’t understand how he can be a narcissist when he was the last child ( the baby) of 8 children his mom had and they are always spoiled and for the longest time I thought that’s what the problem was until a friend of mine was talking with me and we were on the subject of my husband and how he does that’s when she told me he was a narcissist I thought she was talking about the kind that sets fires she told me no this kind was worse than that and how she knew was bc she had already dealt with one herself and knew what to look for and that was the end of last year and shortly after our conversation I started reading about Narcissists from material that would come on my phone on Quora digest Idk why it took me being married to him for so long before I started finding out who he was and it breaks my heart and makes me angry to the point if I could get away with it I would give him what I call a long time coming ass beating and try to beat it out of him cause it really didn’t seem like none of this narcissist shit started happening until he started doing meth in about the year 2014 things seem to get worst with how he treats me I’m taking all the reading material on narcissist and reading on as much of it I can read to learn and understand all I can while he’s in jail which has been over a month now and he started something new this time that he’s never done any other times before when he would be in jail and that’s the silent treatment he hasn’t spoken to me since he’s been in there this time and I’ve read on the silent treatment and reasons why the narcissist may use the silent treatment which is childish reason to me

Hi Chris,

what you are describing is stock standard.

So devestating – but so common … horrible!

Yes, we validate you all the way – you made the right decison, your only option is to leave and heal. This happens to many many empaths!

The full validation, closure, releif and rebuild comes in our community with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp We would love to have you as one of our wonderful men members in our incredible communtiy.

Im so glad you reached out and we would be honoured to help support you

Mel 🙏💞🦋

This is the short version – I could literally write several hundred pages, but you get the point.
Hi, my name is Chris and I’ve been dating someone we’ll call Mindy for nearly 3 years now. At first, she started off being the sweetest most down to earth woman I’ve ever met. Very easy going. We just instantly clicked and had a lot in common. We just had this amazing connection. We would think the same things at the same time, finish each others sentences etc. Absolutely on the same page with everything. It was absolute bliss. The one I had been waiting for. I could honestly see a future with this woman. She was the best thing that ever happened to me…. Or so I thought. We fell in love, made plans for the future as couples do… taking things slowly to see how the relationship progressed. 5 months later things were still going great and so I would stay a weekend at her place, she would spend a weekend at mine. Our leases were ending on the apartments that we had. We talked about taking the next step. Moving in together to see how that went. We found a very nice brand-new apartment. Never lived in. Elevator, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances. It was very nice. We decided to sign the lease. I spent about 10k on new furniture to deck the place out. She had 3 kids, and the cell phone bill was enormous, so I told her that we could get new phones and a family plan for much less. So, everyone got new phones, etc. I did everything that a responsible father figure / husband would do. I went without for the greater good of the household. She knew that I went above and beyond and loved me all the more for it. I never wanted or expected anything in return. Everything is humming along. One night she tells me out of the blue “I have a better life waiting for me in another city. Say the word and I’m gone”. She went on and on. I was shocked to say the least. We had a very good life together. Where did THAT come from? The next morning, I confronted her about it. Maybe it was the Sangria talking, I don’t know. She apologized but it seemed like a forced apology. Time went on and month number 8 she starts to become verbally abusive. It was her youngest son’s high school dance and he wanted to wear a bow tie. She asked me what I thought. I told her he looks amazing, but I think a regular straight tie might work better. She immediately flew into a rage and started screaming at me. We dropped him off at the dance and went back to our apartment. She began to verbally tear me apart for the next 3 hours because of the innocent comment that I made. She became extremely verbally abusive. She called me every name in the book and then some. Some of the things she told me that night:

1. You’re not a man!
2. You’re uptight white trash (I’m not white trash, white collar, Tech sector, making close to 6 figures, drives a Mercedes and tries to be a decent human being everyday)
3. I’ve been known to throw sh*t out the window and down the stairs!
4. You’re nothing!
5. I’m going to make life difficult for you
6. The last time I checked I’ve lived all over the world. I’m not some country bumpkin who’s never left Florida. I have bigger horizons than you!! (I’m not a country bumpkin – she was an Army wife with her ex – she was a housewife on 3 separate continents and wasn’t enlisted)
7. You turned into a f*cking schmuck!
8. This town is sh*t. (We lived in Lakewood Ranch, FL. One of nicer places in Florida – 15 miles from the Gulf Coast beaches)
9. I told you I loved the beaches, but I NEVER loved the beaches!!!
10. You’re holding onto a life that doesn’t want you anymore.
11. You’re just a bitchy male nitpicking at everything and picking on a 16 year old boy!
12. I’ll take your head off. – I’m the WRONG person in that department!
13. You F*cked around with my kid and now you’re going to PAY.
14. I’m a B*tch, a FORCE to be reckoned with. YOU are NOTHING special.
15. You’re inadequate.
16. You have no backbone!
17. I’m going to start dating again – effective immediately!!
18. I’m a b*tch and not like your other SUBMISSIVE TRAMPS (referring to prior girlfriends)
19. You owe my son an apology!
20. Other men would KILL to spend the night with ME!!
21. Once I become an RN I’m going to look for contracts overseas and if you’re there great and if you’re not great!
22. I’m going to smash your head into a wall.
23. You’re not wanted here.
24. I’m going to punch you in your face.
25. Every one of my ex’s is BETTER than you!
26. You’re a loser!
27. You’re nothing!
28. NO ONE will cry over your grave!!
29. You’re sad, pitiful and alone!!!
30. The next time you open your mouth about one of my kids I WILL RAM YOUR TEETH DOWN YOUR THROAT!!! AND REMEMBER, I’M THE CRAZY B*TCH THAT WOULD DO EXACTLY THAT!!! YOU THINK I’M BLUFFING???? LET’S GO AND SEE JUST HOW BRAVE YOU ARE!!!!!
31. You can’t do anything more in life. This is where you feel important.
32. I don’t see how you do it. I’d shoot myself if I were you.
33. My ex actually has something going for him – he has a HOUSE. (I’m saving for a house)
34. I don’t want some hermit like you. (I was never a hermit – I just couldn’t ever get her out of the apartment. She would rather sit around lost in her phone than get outside and explore with me)
35. Good luck with the cat. You should start calling animal control.
36. One thing that I can play to a T is a damsel in distress!
37. I EAT people like YOU ALIVE!!
38. Move your stuff or I’ll cut it in half with scissors.
39. You’re going to die alone!!
40. I could call up 3-4 guys right now and they would be VERY happy to spend the night WITH ME!!!

Anything that she could say to hurt me she was right there saying it. NOTHING was off limits. I made it a point to never engage her in these absurd arguments. I would only try to ignore that it’s happening… hoping that she would wind down and stop. Trying to not add fuel to the fire. I could’ve said many unkind things. But I didn’t. The next morning, she would wake up like nothing had happened.
For the sake of keeping this short, you can imagine all of the other nasty things she’s said to me in the year and a half since this.

This type of behavior repeated every 3-4 days. Sometimes we would actually go a whole week / 10 days without fighting. We never went more than 3 weeks without a big blow out argument of some type. I saw it as absolutely abnormal and started writing down every time we had an argument. Just as a sanity check. I lost count as 120 in a years’ time. She has this Jekyll and Hyde personality disorder. When things are going great it’s just amazing… stratospheric, but when things aren’t it’s the absolute lowest of the low. It’s an undefined level of Dante’s hell. I confronted her and told her that I am miserable living like this. Walking on eggshells…I deserve better treatment than this and if she doesn’t seek counseling for her anger and her behavioral issues we are done. She laughed at me. She absolutely refuses. She says that therapy is BS and she doesn’t believe in it at all. I told her that unfortunately is the only path forward for us. Or we can go our separate ways. But when that happens, she will continue to have this problem with other men. No one is going to tolerate these antics and verbal abuse and she will end up alone. I didn’t want to see that ending for her, so I pleaded with her to just get help. Even if we are not together, I don’t want to see her alone and miserable. Her response. She told me to go f*ck myself for the next several hours and further tore me apart. So, I’ve given up trying to get through to her.

In addition, her three kids that were living with us – two decided to run away from home due to the constant verbal and mental abuse and the son she is “rehoming” to Colorado to live with his dad because she’s “sick” of him. The family cat – she decided she hates cats now after 3 years and so she was going to take him to a shelter / pound to get rid of him. I told her no way, I’ll take him. She was always mean to him anyways and the poor thing deserves better. She proudly proclaims that she is getting rid of everyone to live her best life and finally be happy and free. We are currently separated. The cat has never been happier. The kids from hell aren’t chasing him and Mindy isn’t smacking him on a daily basis for being a cat.

Looking back, I feel like she is a covert narcissist with BPD (the youngest daughter was diagnosed with BPD and a host of other issues). Mindy always blamed the kids craziness and behavioral issues on the ex-husband. Actually, that was a lie. They get it from Mindy. In getting to know her mother over the years I can absolutely guarantee that Mindy’s mother is a narcissist. Mindy’s sister is also a narcissist. It’s plain to see once you know what to look for. Like the nose on your face. So, I can only imagine Mindy is too on some level and that’s ultimately what I’m dealing with here with this Jekyll and Hyde routine. It’s a shame that I’ve had to become a quasi-expert on narcissism / mental disorders to understand what the hell was happening to me. Never in a million years did I see this outcome coming. That’s how good of an actress she was. Academy Award material. She absolutely missed her calling. The kids were on their best behavior for the first year or so before showing their true colors. Multiple baker acts, etc. The youngest daughter has been baker acted 19 times in two years, etc. Mental issues run in that family.

After all of this I’ve finally decided to walk away. I think my heart is finally broken. I’m an empath (and honestly that feels like a handicap during times like these). I’m probably one of the easiest going guys that I know. But I’m also no one’s doormat. So honestly, with the Jekyll and Hyde personalities it’s taken a LOT for me to get to this point. But when I’m done. I’m done. That and the kids from hell who Mindy enables. Two times she builds you up and the third time she completely destroys you. I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it drops it drops hard. You get to a point that you cant even enjoy the good times because you know the bottom is about to fall out since things are going so well. Initially it was super confusing to process. Now I understand it a bit better. I feel like I am doing the right thing. It’s the only thing left to do. I guess I’m just looking for validation / affirmation here. Has anyone ever been through anything like this before? What would you guys do in my situation?

You could be describing the way my Narc ex treats me! That right there should tell you always trust your gut. Gaslighting, avoiding and redirecting conversations, questions or arguments is how they communicate. The best thing I found was different communities like this that actually can tell you exactly what behavior to look for and what is coming. It’s amazing how similar they all behave and how similar the effect is on us. Like they took a class at Narc school together. Going no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself hands down. You will finally get some of your energy back and some mental clarity. It’s a very difficult thing, going no contact, at least it was/is for me. It is easier the longer I am away. I had to ask myself once I understood what was happening “what am I getting out of this that makes me go back” that for me was not a pretty self reflection and I can only speak for myself. He was very exciting in the beginning. He still is but it’s not fun like I saw it before. He is mean now and I feel like I put myself in danger whenever he is around. We used to take motorcycle rides that I absolutely loved. So I got my own bike and learned to ride. I party alone and take myself out and take myself home and I don’t give my self a hard time for having fun! I found some new hobbies to occupy my mind and I started therapy. In he 3 years since he has been in my life, I lost 2 jobs, the house I had just bought before we met that I spent my retirement on, 2 businesses he and I started, 2 vehicles and a firearm. I moved to another town and was vulnerable enough to tell him where. I had a restraining order for a year but I violated it myself hoping he would live up to his promises to change. He is a liar among many other things. I work in the mental health field and to this day I feel sorry for him. I feel less and less that way as each day goes by. I no longer get feel he owes me, I have spouts of hoping today will be the day he proves his love, but he already has. There isn’t any, not like I need and not that shows in any way I have ever felt it before. I have tried to initiate light casual conversations to say thank you for a random gift or apologize for losing my temper after weeks of harassing messages just to prompt him to tell me how shitty I am. Don’t let them take you to dark places in your soul. Reach out to others, you are a valuable human and deserve to be treated as such. If you engaged in the ugly behavior they will stoop too. Just stop. It is never going to get your point across. It is just going to make you feel as ugly as they are being. I have a million horrific stories of humiliation, violence, emotional, financial, physical and verbal abuse. I also have a handful of stories of live and emotion and future planning that I know realize was make believe. He may be the first guy that I try to completely erase from my mind and picture library and love letters and all other traces. You can do this , it’s very difficult and the rewards are worth it. Reach out to your support resources a lot! I love you all and wish you all the best!!

Thank you for these tips! I have been with and married to an emotionally abusive narcissist for over 10 years and I’ve finally had enough. We have two young children together and I will not allow him to speak to me or my kids as he has done in the past anymore! The divorce process is long and as expected he is making it more difficult. He thinks he’s owed anything and everything he wants. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and have tips I can use to isolate him. 🙏