The beginning of reading your material was the God Almighty’s blessing to me in December 2014 as I was praying to him just few days before for a complete closure to my second ex. I am so grateful to him for having me reached your website accidentally(this is what I thought when I was searching randomly but when I read the stuff I became overwhelmed with joy and cried)I came to know about the complete awareness about NPD. I have been so blessed with this knowledge that he gave you to help millions of others. It has cleared up not only my questions about the second ex but my first spouse, my adoptive mother and some others as well. I always tried telling myself that I had gotten over with all other than the 2nd ex but after reading more about NPD and psychopaths, now I am done with them through a thorough understanding of these personality disorders. I had read about depression but all of them never seemed to be under depression but they were not normal either. It was a mystery to me what they were. I am so thankful to God Almighty and then to you.

With regards to what I needed to do in order to heal from co-dependency, I have my faith in my creator, the One and only ALLAH Almighty. I am a muslim by faith and the very first thing is to pray for peace and guidance. This is I always tried not to be apart from, no matter how much I felt drained out, screwed up, lost or whatever happened, I did pray. I strongly believed in that even if the whole world leaves me, my creator will never abandon me and he never did left me on my own.

Nothing happens overnight so my journey to myself was gradual over the past 30 years. Every time I went through a phase of abuse, i knew it was wrong but I did not know how to stop it and come out of it. I was able to make it through each time with praying and a strong will that was granted to me to survive and live in dignity and peace. I was empowered with unbelievable circumstances that were impossible to people around but I held on to my faith and it kept clearing up my path without any harm to me and my kids.

My survival with my children has been phenomenal and incredible. Moving from one part of the world to the other, getting education, new skills, and much more is all parts of this beautiful journey. Prayers have power and wings to cross the universes and are answered. It is nothing but special blessings.

I was put through numerous tests and help was also sent in order to succeed. I went through the following during my learning period;

*Once you have identified the abuse, come out of the denial. Try hard and harder to accept the reality no matter how difficult and unbelievable it seems. You will have to make a decision to leave.

*Keep your plans a top secret. Get professional help. Your doctor is the first one to approach. Make sure he or she is worth contacting. You will need a very strong will power to beat the odds.Anti-depressant never worked for me, however, some sleep aid Rx to a very mild level had helped keeping the brain activity a little less and relaxed This is not easy to find a professional who has specific training to deal with NPD and psychopaths. No friends or acquaintances should ever hear anything about your planning. I am sorry to say that often family and friends ruin the whole idea of getting rid of the abuser by being on his side and I could not believe it. This is my own experience. You may tell them about the abuse but not what you have been planning about your safety. Only those whom you really can trust, can be told but again be careful and make sure that they are on your side and are willing to help. Just test them by asking for a little help, if they avoid you or make lame excuses, stop trusting them and keep looking for somebody else. You WILL find one or more. It is a part of your survival package from heavens.

*Make safety plans, more than one and keep all possibilities and risks in mind. It gives you a clear picture of what can happen and what your next options would be.

* Throw self pity in trash for ever and have your inner-self fire kindled. Eat, sleep, laugh, cry, fight, and act as you were doing always. Be more observant and wise to what is needed to be done rather than what is happening.Your routine should not change to be alarming or alerting the narcissist. They should be living in their own fantasy that they can keep using and hurting you for ever. Give them the joy of getting you fooled. You will have to wear this mask of manipulation for your life. Stay a fool in their eyes til its over. You will have to manage your inner world and the outer simultaneously. You will have to reassure yourself that you are on the right path to succeed.

*Do not mess with the narcissist. Keep empowering yourself with writing journals and keep them away from him or her. Keep detaching yourself from them slowly and quietly. They are dark evils and should remain in their darkness til it ends from your side. Each time you feel a positive change in you, write it in your journal and try improving it. you will feel the difference in you but do not worry about the narcissist noticing them, they are too busy enjoying their victories over you. Even if they notice, they will laugh at you as usual. Just do whatever you were doing normally but do NOT let them peak in or through your heart and soul. It is your time to laugh now.

*You will see success running to you instead of you struggling for it. Just keep doing your part accordingly. Do not get confused. Hide joy and any excitement, there be a later time for all of it, believe me. Hold on to yourself and keep working toward your goal of freedom and independence.

*You may not get enough time sometimes to think too much about making immediate choices depending on the urgency in nature. Do not panic, trust your intuition and step forward to pluck each flowers of your healing garden. Take every possibility as a great opportunity.

* Keep working on all possible risks factors and losses. They may be permanent or temporary, big o small but keep praying. Be ready and prepared mentally for all challenges. There will be many down the road, but do not worry too much, they shall pass and teach you something new. Risks and challenges are very worth taking in order to survive the narcissist. Keep picturing yourself in a place without any abuse and the NARCISSIST. This is a great feeling.

*Make wise and timely decisions. Do not delay or leave hings to the last minute. You will have to sacrifice a lot but it is worth it. You are the winner in the END of these tests if you practice staying calm, strong and happy inside.

* Do what you love and it is legitimate. As long it is not harming you or others. I did what I loved doing. I pray, read books and articles, dance, exercise, sing in my room alone, cook etc. Do what you love and feel joy in, even it is a household chore. You do not have to pressure yourself for something new if you don’t feel like.

*Instead of avoiding the narcissist and alerting them, until you are forced to live with them due to any reasons, just observe their words and actions and keep writing in your journals what your observation is. Tell yourself this is not your future and you deserve much better in life ahead.

* Cry, cry and cry to break the illusion you are living in. Do not harm yourself with anything. Crying will help releasing the emotional pressure from you. Tell yourself that from now on, you have promised to yourself that you will respect your feelings. If you feel numb, it is ok, it happens.

* Avoid mingling with people to have sympathy with you. Your life is not a fun story to be spread in the universe. You are on a secret mission. Think and feel like an agent who is helping you, enjoy it. You need real support, not anybody’s pity. You will come to know during your journey who really loves you and who does not.

* Enjoy your efforts and tap your own shoulder often. Read yourself positive affirmations every day and night.

It may take a long or short journey depending on your destination but nobody can reach a destination without starting travelling.

There is much more to write and I will try to do it soon. You may contact me via my email.

Love.

I just ended a 2-yr dating relationship with a very narcissistic man. I don’t know if he is completely NPD, but as you say, that doesn’t really matter. (I’m quite sure he falls into the Altruistic Narc column, however.) A longtime female friend of his warned me several months ago about how damaging his behaviour is to women he dates. I said I was aware of his issues, and that I had broken up with him a few times already, because of his unreasonable behaviours, but that he kept coming back. He had even apologized on occassion. All along I was being triggered by him, and at first would LITERALLY just run away — as in packing my bag while he was taking a shower, & leave.
Gradually I started reacting in front of him — crying uncontrollably, & learrning that there were still wounds I had not healed. He would be very understanding, & I would feel we were getting somewhere.
The last time I broke up with him, in October, I took some time to connect to myself, & had yet more realizations about myself. I was in a very good place when he came back, nicely, & we got back together, in November. Since then things had been going very well, and he had recently started seeing a therapist again. He was more respectful & admiring of me, more affectionate. We had a wonderful time a couple of days after Xmas, when we spent a couple of days together, after our respective family stuff. I went back New Year’s Eve for another couple of days, and the wheels started to come off again.
As we made a nice dinner together, he was at the same time kind of drunk & bit out-of-control in his manner, which is unusual for him.
During dinner he asked me twice, “So what do you thin about us?” I didn’t answer till the 2nd time, and I tried to give a considered, realistic answer about how we’ve had quite abit of turmoil, but lots of good times, too; that it had helped me to realize some things about myself, and that I had come to a place of strength & no expectations about where it was headed. And I thanked him for this. Clearly he wanted me to ask him whar HE thought, so I did, with a bit of trepidation ( which is a sign all was not really well–) and he replied, rather sneeringly, “I think we’re IMPOSSIBLE!” After a moment, I said, “gee, thanks.” I let it go, though, and continued on with the evening.
We were a bit tired & drunk, later, so we just cuddled in bed watching a movie until midnight, when we fell asleep. At 1 a.m. he got a phone call, from a woman (I could hear her voice through his cell phone. He has a lot of friends who are women, so I though nothing of it, at first — just someone calling to wish him HNY. He cut the call short, but I could hear her gushing at him, calling him Sweetie, & hug, hug, kiss,kiss. After he hung up he said, “Oh, my friend out on the west coast (of Canada — we are in the east) — don’t know why she’d call at this hour.” And with that he went back to sleep. Not me. I knew this was an ex, from 20 yrs ago, who he’d suddenly gone on a trip to Mexico with 6 years ago, the terribly romantic trip I’d heard about so MANY times.
Anyway I will spare the next few days, but I put it out of my mind till I went home day later. I was able to block out my fears & suspicions till I arrived at home, a mere 45- min ride, when it hit me…and I called it quits. This has been truly harrowing for me, because in the last several weeks things had never been better between us. He admitted this long-distance thing had been going on for weeks, but he would forgive me for the indiscretion of reading his email/text messages
since he was in the wrong. I told him I read nothing — it was intuition that had revealed it to me. He said it was a silly flirtation & meant nothing, & that he knows he’s always been a terrible flirt.

Anyway, I’ve been reading your articles, listening to your radio archives, & know now that there is no hope for this man. He is 59 yrs old, and even after years of therapy is no closer to being able to maintain any kind of healthy, interdependent relationship. Clearly I still have wounds to heal, though I have healed so many …. the layers keep revealing themselves. I am 56 yrs old, and still working on it, and have come so far since my husband died 9 yrs ago. I’m just so thankful for your work, Melanie. I’m in awe at the amount of stuff you produce, and give away….it must be channelled! Your gift to connect to Source & explain all of the dynamics is truly remarkable. Thank you with all of my heart! And Happy New Year! I’m listening to your webinar tonight. ❤️

HI JL,

it is “normal” but not our true “natural” healed state ..

Which is … I am the “light” showing up authentically that “dissolves all darkness”.

This means we are being ourselves, not checking out other people to see if they are safe or not. We are radiant, truthful, and can ask for what we need, do boundaries and ask for clarification if something shows up as “off”. Then everything that is a match for authenticity stands, and what doesn’t becomes “not our reality”.

This is the goal – the high level of development into true radiance and freedom.

The problem is “what we fear we create” so yes it does mean more development work to go on the inner beliefs that are causing “life and others are not safe.”

Mel xo

Hi Matthew,

thank you for your really authentic post and you are sooo welcome.

Ok my belief is that when the wounds are released and replaced with Source truths there is “only love”, so if this was to authentically take place you would forgive each other and start being and generating healthy love.

The difficulty here with two people wanting to do the work, is that you can’t do it for each other. It needs to be a personal journey whilst giving up the need to control or monitor the other.

In other words “How is your healing going in order for me to feel safer?”

There would need to be boundaries with this – and with your journeys if one does the work and grows and the other doesn’t then the person moving from young woundedness and co-dependency won’t remain in the relationship.

I beleive it gets to the point with all of us – that we have the choice whether or not we make our personal growth the number one priority – knowing that it doesn’t just improve our own emotional health, it contributes to life and others in the highest vibration ways.

In short if we realise this … what else would we do?

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the first Program to uplevel abuse wounding and then ES is the next one for co-dependency. NARP is your case is necessary first.

I hope this helps.

Mel xo

I have been following your blog and have been receiving your emails to 10 steps to NARC abuse recovery. Its been 4 months since I cut off all contact to the Narc which I had been in a relationship for 3 years. I must say your emails, books and now this blog has helped me so much to understand what was happening and what my role in it was. I have changed alot especially of concentrating on myself, my inner wounds, and finally setting boundaries. It was a very dramatic break up. I moved out of my apartment the week after just to make sure I had nothing around me to remind me of the relationship, changed my number and cut off contact with friends that were related to him.
I feel like Ive become a new person. However, im at a point where I started meeting other men and for some reason I cant help it but I always doubt each person. I automatically go through a list is this normal could he be a potential Narc, are you still attracting those type of people. I dont know if im just downright paranoid or if this is something I will clearly see by meeting up with someone and after a few times I will automatically see it. Because I also dont always want to doubt every new person I meet. From your experience is this normal or am I maybe not as healed as I think?
Thank you again for all your input into this website and for so truthfully speaking about all these issues.

I’ve been in a marriage for 20+ years and am just beginning to see/feel how BOTH my partner and I are co-dependent and also somewhat-narcissists. We both entered this relationship to try to get healing of our original wounds from the other – unconsciously, of course, but full bore nonetheless. We also both have a thread of the abuser within us as well – the aggressive no-holds-barred I’m-gonna-get-what-I-need-from-you-if-it-kills-you, I’ve-gotta-be-right-at-all-costs. I know I shouldn’t speak for her but the similarity of what we’ve both done, the “evenness” of it (even though our modes differ) is earth-shaking for me.

We are both going through our awakening journeys (separately for the most part) at this time – but what I wonder is whether there’s any authenticity, any True Love, left between us once the co-dependence is stripped away and the Narc tendencies curbed/cured. Neither of us set out to abuse the other, but there’s been so much of it over the years that it has come to dominate and define our relationship – no matter our intentions.

I guess my biggest question is how to move forward (IF to move forward) with this healing path. While I believe we can heal our individual early-family traumas, I don’t see a way to healing the scar-tissue of our wounded relationship. I’m doing my best not to draw that conclusion to myself, but I’m also being honest that it seems to me like such a high mountain to climb. What do you suggest for two intertwined co-dep/baby-narcs both working on themselves at the same time?

With love and appreciation for everything you do.

Matthew

Hi Amanda,

I feel for you going through this, there is nothing more painful, I believe as a parent, than having our children involved.

Amanda I would love you to access my articles and radio shows about Parenting with a Narcissist, and listen to other women’s stories and how by working directly in their own inner beings how incredible changes and healing took place.

Truly Amanda, the reasons and ways to heal are deeply “inside” always – regardless of how the “outside” is happening.

What you wish to aim for is not mere “coping”, it can be big “transformation” of what you are experiencing – but you have to become the emotional change you wish to create first.

I hope this helps, and please go back through my articles to access the information of co-parenting.

Mel xo