Well here we are onto Part Two of last week’s article , and I think it is really good timing. Christmas is very close, and this time of year can bring up for many people big stuff. It’s a time when young wounds can be triggered and we may fall back into co-dependent traps.
I am constantly inspired by this Community, with so many people becoming authentic and realising that to varying degrees we all carry wounds and fears that have separated us from our true wholeness. I hope, as a result of reading Part One, that you now have compassion for yourself understanding this had so much to do with the way Life was modelled to us.
As I discussed last week, humankind has been programmed with conditional love – not believing we were worthy of being loved and accepted just for ourselves.
If our role models espoused this, mostly because of the messages they also received from their role models, how on earth could we have known any better?
In this time of incredible human emotional evolution, we can all wake up to a much higher truth – that if we try to achieve our wholeness from false substitutes outside of ourselves we are always going to come up empty, no matter what we strive to get or experience.
We are all shifting out of looking outside, in order to become love and acceptance internally, unconditionally and realising from this platform of self-integration, then we can expand and become “more”, whereas if we start off with internal separation then everything we try to grasp is only going to accentuate the experience of “less”.
Many of my personal clients and NARP members are presently accessing very deep internal wounds and the subsequence shifts, which are reversing the beliefs of “separation” and “unworthiness”. These are the core beliefs which have caused the powerlessness so many humans suffer. These are beliefs such as “I am always alone”, and “I can’t look after myself”.
These are the human illusions about not being connected to “Oneness”; the beliefs that Source / Life / God does not have our back, is not devoted to us and that the biggest energetic Quantum Level of ourselves is not already connected to all of Existence – having all the capabilities, resources and co-partnering to be our most expansive and Truest Selves.
It is all of the beliefs about fear, separation and “evil” that have kept us small, and believing we are not capable, worthy or partnered by Source.
I love that so many of us are determined to break free from these illusions to claim our birthright of wholeness and magnificence.
One of my most favourite quotes of all time is this one by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
Notice how Marianne states “The Glory of God that is within us”. Quantum Scientists believe that Creation Itself is in our DNA. They believe literally the consciousness of The Universe is inside us. This would mean that the stories about being separated from this true “beingness” and having to conditionally prove, repent to get, beg forgiveness or earn these rights are NOT the truth.
Nor is it that if you are “big” you will be conceited, arrogant and even out of control.
I promise you narcissism is “smallness” it is not “bigness”. It is the need to control outcomes, prove, bully, reduce others in order to win, take by force, apply “conditions” and manipulate. All of this comes from inner “smallness”.
True greatness just “is” – it has no need to grandstand. It just organically is itself manifesting more of that in the world. A true “big” self is an organic connection to “All That Is”. It is solid, calm and whole, needing nothing to be whole; simply creating more truth, light, authenticity and wellbeing wherever it goes.
That is our goal to reach towards, and it only when we lose the false and small ideas of ourselves that created us to not be naturally ourselves, that we will start shining.
Can We Heal From Co-dependency?
I received a comment last week on my Facebook post from a gentleman discussing co-dependency being learnt behaviour which can be unlearnt – whereas narcissism is a “broken mirror” that can’t be fixed.
I would love to discuss this because it brings up some very important points.
First of all, I totally agree that co-dependents can heal from their co-dependency whereas narcissists will invariably never heal from their co-dependency (remembering that both narcissists and co-dependents struggle to “be a healthy source to self”).
The reason why narcissists can’t heal from it, is because there is so much pathology with the False Self takeover that they don’t believe there is anything wrong with them. The False Self, to be maintained, requires impunity and being above reproach. The meeting of the truth (that there are serious inner wounds) means the False Self would have to give up the charade, which means it could no longer exist.
What would be left for the narcissist? This … a shrivelled up abandoned Inner Self which has been totally discarded as ineffective, pathetic and non-applicable.
The narcissist does not want to revive it and has chosen to live life exclusively through the lens of the False Self instead.
What does it look like in real life when the narcissist is presented with the opportunity of taking a path to healing (which is EVERY breakdown experience)?
I looks like the narcissist using ANY tactic possible to retain the False Self – because without it the narcissist would feel emotionally annihilated. This means zero accountability (unless feigned or in a rare short window of narcissistic injury – when the False Self is temporarily crippled) … and every and any defence to project and deny personal responsibility.
The narcissist needs to “win” (be “right”) at ANY cost …
Without humility, accountability and personal responsibility no healing is possible for anyone – point blank.
This is why narcissists don’t heal.
Now back to co-dependents. Many co-dependents get to the stage of humility, personal responsibility and accountability, meaning: “There must be something about my inner wounding that is co-generating these experiences in my life. I’ve had enough, I can’t go on like this – and I need to heal.”
Co-dependents have a conscience and don’t sell their soul and further destroy their inner being by pillaging, stealing and raping energy to survive like narcissists (remember on the Quantum Level we are all “One” – you can’t do something to someone else without in energetically impacting self) … it’s not an option; most co-dependents would rather heal.
The exception is the co-dependent who has become trapped in victimhood and hangs on ferociously to the stories of: “Why I can’t and won’t ever heal”.
And so it is – these co-dependents don’t heal.
When a co-dependent has decided to heal, there are two paths in regard to ”healing” that can be taken. The first being the most common, the “cognitive path”, which is dealing with only the logical mind (the 40 bits of information that we process per second).
On this path we don’t have a deeper spiritual energetic emotional (knowing) connection to truths, we can’t connect to the Quantum Level in ways that transform it, and we are trying to heal through what others say we can do, recognition of common patterns people have, and discussing the tactics and ways of being that need to be “learnt”.
This is very difficult because the obvious problem is “How can I be a certain way if I never learnt how to be it?”
Many people who have had horrendous childhoods can be really snagged in the victimhood of “I know my issues, I know I don’t know real love, and never had healthy boundaries modelled for me, so how on earth can I do something I was never shown? And now I am and adult with no clue, I don’t have these skills.”
This leads to trying to work out something cognitively and believing “the outwards in model” of: “If I can do it then I will know it”. Then what unconsciously happens is people try to find someone else to bring forth what was missing so that they can experience it and then know it.
This defies the Quantum Law of being a generator of our own experience (the beingness occurs before the experience), and it keeps us powerless and co-dependent.
The second path we can take is the deeper, spiritual, emotional energetic path. We can work directly on our subconscious which is the almighty 40 million bits of information that we are processing per second.
This is where our Life, our “beingness”, is being generated from.
Our subconscious is so powerful it controls the functions of our organs, tells us to breathe even when we are asleep and keeps our heart beating. It is also responsible for the literal trillions of chemical activities our body is engaged in every day.
Our logical mind has no more ability to “direct that” than it does the sorting out our emotional composition – which is where our beliefs, behaviours and who and what we generate (attract) in our life lies. Trying to work out our emotional belief systems and reprogram them logically creates the powerlessness of “analysis paralysis”, which happens when we try to think our way out of emotional pain and confusion.
When we take the deeper, wider, more profound path of engaging with our subconscious we realise some pretty incredible things.
We contact and feel the Quantum Level of Source/ Life /God connection to us of wholeness and wellbeing. We realise we already are all the states of “beingness” we wish to have and experience, and that it is all the illusions of disconnection from ourselves, and the accompanying false and painful beliefs that have kept us separated from this.
When we start shifting ourselves at a subconscious level we start organically “becoming” self-love, self-acceptance, worthiness and doing healthy boundaries. We no longer fear being authentic and showing up as out True Selves.
Did we have to learn this? No – we realise we already ARE it. This was not “new”, we only had to re-connect in order to feel and know (re-member) Who We Really Are.
In effect we become Source Flowing Through Us; which is our natural, coded intended state – it’s our True Self.
This is how the “inside out model” works – we stop trying to logically formulate “how to be different” and instead shift the false beliefs and pain out of our body (subconscious) to naturally connect back to Who We Already Are.
How many times have those of you, who do shifts, released a painful belief, brought in the Source truth on it, and then instantly “woken up” with “Wow I’ve just re-membered what I already DEEPLY know as truth about this”?
That experience is exactly the process of “awakening”. It’s a process that happens from within.
As a result of purposefully evolving myself I have these experiences most days. The stuff I write to you is not taken from outside sources, it is Source Flowing Through Me. We all have that connection – I am certainly not unique!
The only way we ever know anything is when it’s anchored in our body. Any false idea we have ever had about Life, ourselves and others feels like rubbish in our body. That’s how we start knowing the massive difference between False Beliefs and Source Truth.
Anyone (even a narcissist) who decided to fully meet their inner being to do the work, and who collapsed into the inner wounds with the total dedication to love themselves enough to dig them out and replace them with Source beingness can heal.
This means giving up the victim story “Life happen to me and it’s everyone else’s fault”, and the self-avoidance tactics and addictions that keep us separated from self.
Depending on the level of wounds, it does mean having a death / rebirth experience. It means we midwife ourselves through “the death” of our old way of being (egoic survival fears) into the re-birth of our True and Greater Self.
It means we meet ourselves to do this with love, devotion and dedication.
How can a narcissist do this when he or she LOATHES the damaged Inner Being? He or she can’t. And neither can we if we don’t give up blaming and shaming ourselves; it is only the dedication of total unconditional love to our Inner Being that can produce real results.
The irony is we have all been wanting to be rescued (narcs included) by something or someone outside, whereas the truth is we were the only one who could ever do the rescuing for ourselves.
How Can People Have Power Over Us When We Logically Know Better?
One Facebook member posted this question: “Why is it that a man can have so much power over me when I always considered myself a strong woman? It’s like he owns me when every logical part of my being knows I own myself.”
I love this question because it is a question I have heard so many times, and it is a question that I used to agonise over myself.
The key word this lady wrote is “logically”. This is the stumbling block. Knowing something “logically” is not where our power is. Our power is in knowing something somatically in our body. Logically knowing something is only having an “idea” of what you would like to be.
Having it anchored in your body means you ARE it.
There is a profound difference.
I’ll give you an idea of what really goes on with our mind. In short it follows our body (the subconscious programming) to the letter – no matter how much we may not want it to.
I’m going to explain this in a variety of ways… starting with …
Think about this – different people can see one event and all have a different account of it. Why is this? Because their mind sees what it wants to see. What this means is their mind “makes up the account” due to their already existing belief systems.
Here’s the simple example:
A group of friends in a restaurant see a women being really angry and upset with her husband.
A guy in the Group who had a domineering mother believes this guy is being browbeaten by this wife, and can’t imagine why he stays with her.
A lady in the Group who had a dominating father believes this man has pushed his wife so far she can’t take it anymore, and wonders why she is still with him.
Another lady, whose parents were always arguing and were totally emotionally unavailable to her, feels so triggered and upset by the episode she is doing all she can not to run out of the restaurant.
Another man who has done a lot of work on himself feels compassion for both of them, knows they are doing the dance of their journey – triggering each other’s wounds in order to heal them – and it’s all in perfect and divine order no matter how it looks.
So we know that “what is happening” is totally subjective – how we think, feel and formulate is totally determined by “what has gone on before this event that represents this event.”
Now back to why people can control us when we know logically better.
Let’s say you know you are a confident, powerful woman. You can make business work, you have your own home and finances sorted and you have good relationships with friends and your children – yet in love relationships you find yourself hooked to abusers and handing your power over …
The logical thought about this is: “I am strong and capable, but he talks to me like dirt, hurts me all the time, and I end up apologising! I’m terrified of walking away and leaving him! WHHHYYY??”
These logical statements are not connected to inner empowerment – they are merely surface level ideas about what you would like to be, “powerful and confident in THIS situation” and what is happening (the symptoms of what is playing out) “He talks to me like dirt, hurts me all the time, and I end up apologising! I’m terrified of walking away and leaving him!”
It isn’t until you get out of your head and into your body, communicating directly with your young, wounded vulnerable emotions that you are going to find the true answer (the real cause), or be able to heal it.
This is an example of the real reason why this is happening to you. The truth lies in the inner subconscious drivers; the inner programs that are leaving your powerless … (something like) “People who love me hurt me, but I need to cling otherwise I’ll be abandoned / rejected and I can’t survive on my own.”
This part of your subconscious, the almighty programming that is running your life, is a little girl – not a grown woman. And she can’t be “logically” told to get healthy. In fact she can’t even “hear” logic (It doesn’t reach the subconscious). She needs to be healed emotionally / energetically in order to become healthy.
If this part of you (your beliefs connected to intimate love) were healthy, you would show up as an adult woman and state. “Hang on this abuse is not my deal, not my truth, and not healthy for me – so good bye!” and you would mean it and be relieved that you are no longer around it.
Instead the young unhealed wounded part of you is being triggered into incredible fears of abandonment and emotional (and maybe literal) survival fears that cause her to cling, allow the abuse and hand her power over.
(I promise you – this was my stuff through and through …)
Logic has no bearing on this … only emotional healing and up-levelling will.
So what happens is: when the abuse starts your Inner Being panics, she starts showing up as a little girl, she doesn’t have rights or limits, or the maturity and solidness to hold her own energy. And her mind in this low frequency of fear and pain is making up “stories” to justify clinging on and not leaving.
None of us can do anything at all unless we have a justification for it. So the “stories” you will be running are “He can change”, or “I just can’t for some reason survive without him” …and “I know we are meant to be together, he just has to wake up.” Or “I can’t stand this panic I have to apologise.”
Really these stories are all derivatives of “Please don’t leave me Daddy / Mummy – don’t turn away from me, because if you do I am all alone, and I can’t survive!!”
When we are handing power over and staying attached to abusers we have assigned the abuser as the original parent – as our true source of love, survival and comfort, and we cling like our life depends on it – because subconsciously that is exactly what the young wounded part believes.
This explains exactly this Facebook comment another member posted “I want to know why I am more comfortable chasing and pining for the tiny crumbs of phony love from a charming Narc than receiving the feast of authentic, real love from an attractive non Narc? It defies all logic.”
Again there is the TRUE key staring us in the face. “It defies all logic.” Yes it does! Our subconscious programs vehemently defy all logic!”
Instead, when we address the subconscious components of ourselves and up-level them, we will show up completely differently; we will be a mature whole adult who is not intensely triggered into regressive powerlessness. Then we can hold our own solidness, know what is or isn’t healthy, and know and set firm limits and truths for ourselves.
And we can emotionally and literally walk away, knowing we have all of life to generate much healthier realities with.
What many of us need to understand is: often it is because of our young wounds of feeling unsafe and unloved that we have overcompensated in other areas of life. This is the recipe for many highly intelligent, capable “powerful” people who are logically successful in life – yet no matter how many “capabilities” we have, when these young powerless emotional wounds get triggered we are right back to being that scared empty four year old again.
I hope you understand, none of this has anything to do with logic, and if we think we can overcome our powerful emotional surges with mere logic we know by experience we are kidding ourselves.
Especially when dealing with narcissists who trigger our young powerless wounds in more profound ways than anyone else ever could.
Are We Prepared To Lose it All to Get it All?
A lady in the Facebook Group wanted to know about this topic, “Boundaries and the risk of losing ‘friends and family’ when setting them. How to handle the pain involved when this occurs.”
This is a huge one. And one that can keep us very trapped.
Boundary setting does not necessarily mean you are going to lose people – many of them may up-level and meet you at your true level of authenticity.
But there needs to be no attachment to that outcome happening; in other words your truth and creation of your life is not dependent on any specific people meeting you there or not. If they don’t, others will – because we are not meant to be doing life alone – we are meant to be connected, and will be healthily when we truly connect with ourselves first.
So the first step always is to investigate, find and up-level the original wounds inside you that are causing the belief “If I set limits they will leave me”.
What were the messages in childhood, such as “I have to go along with others to be loved”, or “I have no personal rights of my own”, and “If I try to have rights others will reject, punish or abandon me?”
If you don’t up-level these wounds and try to assert your rights and do boundaries, you need to be aware that your emotional energy will be delivered from “the child”, and it could be ineffective. In fact the way that you “show up” could generate exactly what you fear.
If the old beliefs are still powerfully wedged in your body you will feel powerless, fearful and hand your power over. Which means showing up in a way that doesn’t inspire connection and instead brings about “rejection” from others, or you may self-sabotage in a way where you abandon first and regret it later, or you may be derailed into reneging on the boundary in order to not receive rejection.
By stark contrast if you up-level the original young wounds then you will show up as a mature adult on this topic.
A powerful authentic boundary would look like this:
“(Their name) I really value our relationship, and I want you to know I would like to be totally truthful with you – so that we CAN have a true relationship. I have been remiss in this in the past, but I don’t want to be now. I want to understand you and you to understand me, so we can truly love each other and connect. This is how I have felt at times (keep these points as “I” not “you” statements), and I would really love it if (state what you want), and I would love you to be honest with me about how you feel and what you need from me too.”
And then you would be quiet and see what is forthcoming …
And know that no matter what someone else says you don’t need to personalise it. The clearer you are on your truth and who you are, the easier it is to allow others to have their own opinions.
Let’s say their request is totally not okay for you, such as asking you to “fix”, “rescue” or “take responsibility for something that they won’t for themselves” – something like “I need you to be available to come and do this when I need your help”.
Respond by validating, say something like “I understand how you feel like you need me to do this”. (Meaning given that you are in this mindset it’s not surprising you feel this way). Now speak your truth … “I no longer want to enable you or hurt myself by taking responsibility for you. So I’m not doing this anymore.”
It’s a true statement – and there is no need to justify it further.
Then again wait and see. If the guilt trips start to try to hook you back in again state “I can see how you would feel like that.” And agree to disagree, and know the relationship is no longer your truth.
No deal … and it doesn’t need to derail you.
If you can’t stay calm then remove yourself and ask for time to process until you get the young unhealed triggers out of the way and you can see clearly.
The truth is when we decide to up-level our life, and this includes people in our life, we may need to go “empty”. We may need to clear space for the new to be generated, and sometimes there is a gap.
When I am generating change, I know that if I tackle the fears that will come up with the “emptiness” and up-level those, I am much more capable of being solid, whole and “full” before the new order materialises in my life.
And I know rather than cave in to “going back” I am able to hold my own energy in order to manifest and take inspired action moving forward.
We all went through this in massive ways with the narcissist; that is if we successfully held no contact and took on our own development. We accepted point blank “no-one outside me can give me myself or heal my wounds for me”, and we realised that the biggest goal was a necessary healing hiatus in order to emerge back into life as a healthier emotional being who can manifest healthier results.
This means “going empty” – it means giving up the distractions, people and quick fixes that we thought were sustaining us, yet in many ways may have been keeping us separated from truly meeting and doing the work on our inner wounds.
Naturally, people we have known for years or are conditioned to believe “should be in our life”, can be a really tough one. These people may be the only “security” we have ever known, that is until we know the true security of our connection to Source and what we are capable of co-generating with the enormous resources of life as a True Self.
Relationships are incredibly powerful in the way they help us grow, because they reflect back to us exactly what we need to heal and develop.
Some of the most successful relationships are the ones that end – narcissists and family members, and friends included. They would NEVER have been powerful lessons if they hadn’t held meaning for you.
When we become very committed to our own evolution, we not only develop ourselves to higher levels of authenticity, we also start generating relationship of value – relationships that are authentic. We invite and inspire people to meet us at this high level of authenticity, mutuality and desire for greater connection.
Naturally this can’t be delivered with fear, need for set outcomes, or the terror of it “going wrong”. It needs to be delivered for one reason only – you are an authentic person generating truth, authenticity and love with others. You are interested in equal, honest, connected relationships of power with instead of power over and no longer are you going to play games of hiding, withholding, pretending or separation.
Then from these types of conversations done with love and truth in your heart – you will see who is willing to “be with you” there, and you need to have a totally open mind – because some of the least people you will expect will, and the ones you think will, may not.
The truth is it doesn’t matter … everyone is doing their own journey and waking up at their own rate, and that’s perfectly okay; it doesn’t mean we stop loving and having compassion for everyone. What it does mean is we can decide to be very selective about our own energy and emotions, how we spend our time and what that looks like.
Are we prepared to just “do” inauthentic relationships anymore? Are we prepared to enable people to stay in shame, blame and victimisation? Are we willing to be the dumpmaster for people who are not accepting their own wounds and instead making other targets responsible for them?
If we are serious about evolving our lives, and shining a light for others and changing our world from separation and powerlessness to authenticity and connectedness (starting with the inside of ourselves first) the answer needs to be ”No”.
The Shift From Co-dependence to Independence to Interdependence
A Facebook Member wrote this request: “How to interact in a ‘healthy’ way with others who are invested in co-dependent relationships, and more on what is the opposite of co-dependence, how that looks and feels in a relationship. Would that be interdependence? Where is the line between interdependence and co-dependency?”
Our true power always lies in generating “relationship” that is our true desired orientation. This means sharing power and not taking power or giving it away. And the only way we can share power is to “be” authentic power in the first place – otherwise we have nothing healthy to share.
If we are with people who are being co-dependent and they remain like that – it means we are not being authentic – we are maladapting ourselves to stay connected, and we are in guilt or powerlessness in some way, which enables them to also be co-dependent.
The biggest trap with being with someone co-dependent is there is some “pay-off” or “obligation” for us to remain in the game without showing up truthfully.
We may think (often subconsciously) a person will stay connected to us and not leave us if they are co-dependent; we may believe it gives us some level of guarantee. Or maybe we feel that it is our duty to help them and stay with them if they are powerless. “My worth depends on me fixing others.”
Or maybe we are so co-dependent ourselves that we are terrified about being alone, or have the egoic beliefs of “competition” and “scarcity”, that we may not do better in the future, or maybe we believe that everyone is co-dependent and “has issues” and we use that as our excuse to stay with someone unhealthy who is not interested in personally developing and growing.
Or maybe we have the empathy or compassion of “I understand your childhood – so I get why you are like this.”
Or maybe our messages in childhood were “You are selfish” and we feel wrong or bad about deserving a partner to be empowered and healthy – and we can easily be derailed and talked out of our needs and boundaries.
None of this creates transformation for you or them – it creates stuckedness. It’s really important with all issues in our life to know it is NEVER about other people; our true Creation power lies in “self”. Therefore this is not about “how to deal with other people’s co-dependency”, it is about “being your own authenticity” and then people will either evolve out of their co-dependency and join you, or they won’t and won’t be a match for you.
If we are not “there” yet – in our solid authenticity – then we need to find and up-level the reasons why not.
When we stop believing it is “other people” and know everything without exception in our life experience emanates from ourselves (Quantum Creation Level), we stop looking outwards, and we go inwards to deeply feel and find the wound, rather than trying to formulate “logical tactics” to combat the confusion.
This is the example of doing this …
We would say to ourselves “Where is this confusion and frustration with co-dependent people in my body?”
Okay I feel these feelings of pain and frustration in my gut (as an example) …
Now I shut my eyes, drop into this part of me and ask it, “How old is this”?
The intuitive answer I get is “two” (this is NOT a logical deduction) …
Now I feel in and ask this two year old part of myself, “What is this pain and confusion about?”
The intuitive thing that pops my head is: ““It is selfish for me to want what I want” …
Then we would realise that whilst we carry this internal belief, it is running our life, and we are not going to set limits with co-dependent people; we are not going to speak up lovingly and honestly about what does or doesn’t feel right for us, and we are going to keep connected to people who are not in their power whilst we hand over our own.
I hope this explains …
So now that we know the real culprit, we know we need to up-level this belief to “I am free and granted permission by all of Existence to know my deservedness and truth and live it.”
This changeover needs to take place in our body – not our head – in order for it to become real for us.
Then the guilt, enmeshment and powerlessness will be gone, regardless of the “selfish” guilt trips someone else may try to hook you back in with.
When we emerge from our own co-dependence to know our rights and live them truthfully with no need for anyone to “get it’ (we need to “get it”) then we are truly independent … and then we can expand further and create true interdependence.
We think that our life depends on other people “understanding” and “granting approval”. That is an illusion. One Facebook Member posted “(I want to know) how to communicate when you are going through a separation and setting boundaries. If the other person does not want to separate it is an on-going battle. The lies create a fog and confusion. How can you work on yourself and get past the co-dependency when you still live with the person?”
The truth is no-one needs to agree with you for you to live the truth of your Life. Only YOU need to agree.
We can feel very alone in this; but we need to acknowledge this, “If someone’s version of ‘truth’ regarding me is unhealthy, then I have the power to go this alone; and there are ‘others’ available who are a match for this truth.”
It’s important to understand, we are not meant to be “an island”. There is a limit to how “big” or how much “love” we can be in independence. We are cut off from expansion ability as an extension of ourselves if we try to “do it all alone just with Life”. We need to realise the true expansiveness of Life includes other people.
Healthy people …
True interdependency is two or more people who have taken responsibility for self first – they are accountable and up-levelling their own inner woundedness, and they desire to share and generate true connection and authenticity from a maturing, developing inner being.
That is what a healthy relationship looks like – Two people who have the total orientation, “My focus is creating my healthy self first, and then I share and co-generate power.”
How Do We Know When to Leave Someone?
This was a question asked by a Facebook member …
The answer is this: When we know our own truth and we know this person is not going to meet us at a level of authenticity – it’s time to leave.
One of the biggest human traps is: we believe people can just decide to “change”.
They can’t …
Remember the almighty subconscious programs that drive beliefs and behaviour – the regression back to fearful, even panicked childhood wounds that cause people to do crazy “illogical” things? At these times co-dependents hand over power to stay connected, whereas narcissists take it forcefully to punish – they will do anything and everything to retain “I win”.
In relation to narcissists the inner wounds are horrendous and the young unhealed parts are totally disowned and abandoned. The behaviour that comes from that is unthinkable.
No narcissist can state “I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” and have that stand up – it is impossible.
The fine trip wire will be activated, the trigger will go off again, the narcissist will again be drunk with unconsciousness and will again create the “excuse” (justification) for the behaviour that totally nullifies any ability to genuinely reform.
It’s NOT personal – the narcissist can’t help it.
The only way that would EVER stop is: deep committed work done to CHANGE these young subconscious wounds.
Without that happening NO CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.
I took me a long, long time to work that out…
And I know through total proof of my own narcissistic abuse experiences, and the information I have gained from thousands of cases in this community how true that is.
I also know that from my own personal journey – if I hadn’t up-levelled my own subconscious wounds I would never have changed.
So, if you have taken responsibility for your own unhealed wounds and up-levelled enough to know your truth, anchor it in your body and then set the limit of ONLY what you will accept … and then someone else either does not want to acknowledge and meet you there, or says they do and is doing no work on their subconscious (yes demand that too) … then walk away …
There is no deal …
Or if they say “Yes I’ll face and work on my inner wounds” (highly unlikely for an N), and then even momentarily fell back into non–accountability and the old games of deflection and disowning their Inner Being (I don’t have wounds, it’s YOUR issue) – no deal.
They are not on the field let alone near the goals – and there is no hope.
The truth is even if they did stay fully humble and accountable for their behaviour they would STILL need to be totally separated from you to heal, and you would need a video camera on them to know they were actually doing that, rather than just doing the narc usual assortment of pathological lying, addictions, grooming other sources of supply, smearing you and self-avoidance whilst professing they are healing themselves,
Or maybe they prove ongoing therapy – that they are “healing themselves” – whilst really gaining narc supply and allies against you with therapists or groups.
Remember the narcissist is a False Self.
A False Self has to “be right”, which means you have to be wrong.
Generally, it’s really easy to know they aren’t capable of what IS necessary to heal. Your gut tells you something unsavoury is happening, and when you apply any pressure to get confirmation the house of cards falls over again.
It’s back to projection, blame-throwing, diversions, excuses and defences.
This is why, I believe, when narcissists do the things that False Self takeovers create, (here is the list of these behaviours) then it will never be any deal.
In my opinion, a line has been crossed where there is no return from.
Because there is no True Self left there to work with, heal or salvage – It’s been thrown to the wolves and eaten alive by lack of integrity, deceptiveness, maliciousness and toxic poisoning long ago.
Hence why a narcissist is capable of doing what they do with zero remorse.
People who have genuine remorse can change. People who do horrendous things without remorse can’t.
The Biggest Trap of Co-dependency
The hugest mistake co-dependents make (this was enormous for me) is to argue, lecture and prescribe.
All this does is feed the issue that we are co-dependently playing out and hands our power over to it.
This is really counter-intuitive at first. The more intelligent we are, the more we think “This can be logically solved. If I just explain this and point out to this person what they are doing (which I can logically see so clearly) they will get it.”
We do this with our children, and we do it disastrously with narcissists.
What we haven’t realised is that people do what they do in response to their model of the world, and their beliefs.
In relation to narcissists their model of the world is from a totally different planet, so you explaining the logic of concepts that most five years olds know about “humanity” and “decency” to a narcissist may as well be speaking Chinese to an Englishman.
The narcissist is doing what he or she believes is “right”.
Seriously …
Given there is a False Self which needs constant feeding and the True Self is extinguished, and there is no connection left to Oneness, humanity or conscience – the narcissist is operating as any narcissist would – and his or her brain is making up all sorts of incredible “stories” to justify it.
(The brain follows the body – always).
No-one can do anything unless their brain is “justifying it” and they believe it is “right”.
Therefore your model has no bearing, and the more you try to assert it, the more the narcissist hits you with his or her insane (to you) model. Then you feel more abused, more scared, more battered and more attacked.
No resolution.
When we are doing this we are stuck in the co-dependent model of, “If only I can change, manage or control things outside of me I will feel more secure”, rather than realising security is an inside job – it is about declaring and being our truth created through the solidness of self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence. And then we generate and align with “more of that truth” and we detach and leave alone “what isn’t.”
Until we reach this place, we don’t realise the more we say “No” to and wrestle with something, the more we are actually saying “Yes” to it.
In relation to your children, they don’t learn through you prescribing, lecturing and trying to make them “get it’. In fact all that does is set up more resistance and them pushing in the opposite direction. The human soul is “freedom”, is reacts very badly to feeling controlled and feels intensely unsafe when forced into someone else’s agenda.
Our generation was about fear and powerlessness – we all “went along” and paid incredible emotional prices for buying into that fear and powerlessness. Our parent’s generation was in this model too. Our children, however, are much more naturally evolved; they are a powerful part of this shift to truth and authenticity and they are not going to take being “controlled”.
For your children to develop effectively they need to learn it for themselves; they need to experience it as truth rather than you “forcing them”.
This means learning through the natural and powerful laws of cause and effect. One direct lesson is worth so much more than thousands of words, and when your child realises that what he or she is doing is not working in relation to what he or she really wants – your child will give it up. This is why you must not rescue them from consequences, or shame them for “messing up”.
Bless them messing up – it’s the perfect way to learn.
A classic co-dependent example would be yelling and prescribing to your child to get out of bed and get ready in the morning, and you getting in her bedroom fixing, putting things together and finding her shoes and homework.
A much healthier approach is set limits, stop fixing and if she doesn’t have shoes, hasn’t eaten breakfast and has forgotten homework put your child in the car anyway. Deliver your child, talk to the school and tell them about the limits you are setting, and get on with your day.
She will be very unlikely to ever do this again. And if she does you repeat the procedure of “Not my problem … okay off to school”.
One day, as an adult, your child will remember this lesson and deliver it to her child, laughing, remembering her own experience and how quickly and powerfully it empowered her and taught her to “take responsibility”.
The same goes with people in our life. If you are being abused, rather than texting frantically describing what he did to you and how wrong that was (Boy I was guilty of this …) detach, pull away and mean it, and state through your actions “I will not live with abuse”.
This is how we shape our life.
We LIVE it authentically.
We stop handing our power by arguing with “what is happening” and we simply detach from that and create “what our Life needs to be”.
In relation to an N co-parenting and doing all sorts of things regarding the children that triggers you into survival fears for your children and for you, stop pushing back and re-acting. It only makes the N intensify what he or she is doing. Instead work on yourself to lose the fear, and the triggers and do everything in your power from a healthy, solid emotional state to create boundaries and “health” for your children and yourself.
At the Quantum Level you are Creation Itself, and when you become aligned with wellbeing, integrity and solutions they will start appearing in your life. What do you think you are “creating” in your Life experience when you are energetically emotionally manufacturing more powerlessness, fear, survival panic, anger, resentment, angst and hopelessness?
Every focus you emotionally have on “the problem” creates more of “the problem”. When you work hard on yourself to know, feel and be “the solution” (without needing real life proof of one first) then you will manifest it from the “ethers”, where all things at the Quantum Level are created from.
And you will become powerfully pro-active about that.
The assistance will appear, the “ways to do it” will show up, the inspirations of “how to do it” will emanate within you, and the path towards the physical reality of your already established “beingness” will light up for you,
The “beingness” must precede the “experience” if you wish to change your life.
That is powerful and Real Creation.
Real and True Creation means we need to just BE our truth, and we can’t hold anyone else responsible for it. If we do we are living a “conditional” life (which is always painful) by declaring, “I (or others I love) can’t be happy and safe until you stop abusing, or you pay for what you have done!”
Do you understand how powerless that is?
In relation to our children misbehaving, we may feel like this: “I can’t love you child until you do what I ask of you!” Can you see how powerless that is for you, and how damaging it is to your child?
A much better way to live is to start loving everyone unconditionally, knowing we have all been subject to mass “disconnection” and painful false beliefs (including narcissists). Then we can have compassion, stop playing victims and martyrs and REALLY heal THIS … One person at a time starting with ourselves (which is the only place we have ANY power).
Then we can honour ourselves and others by generating and creating all we can that is NOT separation, games, illusions and fear.
That is when people “not awake” will either die out or shift up into personal accountability.
By us waking up, we are waking up our world.
Truly, we can become real love and truth and invite others if they are ready to join us there … and we can allow, bless and wish the best for and leave alone those who are not there yet.
Can you imagine how we could heal our world by doing that?
This is how we can heal co-dependency on micro and macro levels.
I would love you to share your part of your story – how far you’ve come or what steps you need to take to heal from co-dependency in the comments below. I respond to all comments individually.
And please know you can always remain anonymous.
Thanks Melanie for this very clear article. I was born to a N father who controlled Mum so badly she too became a N and so my older brother. I’ve had a lifetime of healing from this, but thank goodness it is worth it. Your article highlighted that even on the final occasion I saw my Father before he died he still played the N to me..on his deathbed. I’ve set very clear boundaries with my Mother and our relationship is now on my terms..and she stayed, just like your article mentioned. She’s not living near me and she is not welcome to stay in my home but we can enjoy time together now that I am my authentic self again.
I have survived and flourished and life is wonderful. Only yesterday did I remove some N and co-dependent friends from Facebook, without explanation or warning. I also now understand where I stood as my authentic self in the past when others walked away from me and those I called on and challenged that I walked away from.
Thanks again this is just the clarity I needed.
Bless you for sharing your challenges and successes.
Susie
Another thought as well. Every time my authentic self stood and challenged other N’s and co-dependent others over the years and they or I walked away I thought that it was me, my fault, that I just didn’t know how to be a good friend, to keep friends, but now I understand it was perfect and I am a good friend and I deserve good friends and I can walk on with my head help up and my heart content. I can be proud of myself for all of my efforts.
Thanks for giving me this opportunity to find clarity Melanie.
It’s all come together, all the tiny fragments are now one.
Hi Susie,
you are so welcome, and that is wonderful that you have been up-levelling yourself and relationships.
This is a HUGE one with your Mum, great job 🙂
Big kudos and hugs to you!
Mel xo
Thank you again for your website and sharing of knowledge. Becoming authentic can be a lifelong challenge, especially if we are conditioned to serve others. In my case, it is crucial to remember the experiences that made me love myself less. Remembering has taught me to love myself.
Hi Neila,
you are so welcome.
Being truly authentic is the most massive challenge, seeing we have all been taught to look outside and try to be and gauge what others are in order to be accepted … which has been a disastrous model as adults.
That’s wonderful that you are embracing loving yourself.
Mel xo
Oh, how I remember the bizarre and terrifying breakdowns whenever the ex came face to face with the truth. Many times I said the truth to a narc was like sunrise to a vampire’s eyes. I spent many years trying to please this creature and one day I said to myself, “that’s enough, no matter how hard I try or what I do, it is already no good before I even try”.. So I stopped paying attention to the dramas. I stopped caring and helping her. (my love for her had already grown cold over a decade ago).
Within months, without warning, I was served divorce papers. Thank goodness I found energy clearing tools to bring about my healing. The biggest hurdle to healing was not being able to uncover the question that kept bringing back all the pain and anger. It was NOT KNOWING WHY she behaved the way she did. Yeah sure, I understood it logically, but the subconscious could not nor could it accept it.
Now it is no longer important to know why and I felt a huge burden lift and the cleanest most precious peace took over where before I had so much negativity that I couldn’t sleep sometimes.
A while back she contacted me and I would not let speak. I called her a narcissist, a demon incarnate and a few other things I won’t print. She was so caught up in her ultra self-righteousness that it simply did not register. That was the last time I communicated with her, it was a waste of time, like talking to a wall or a bag of rocks. But I did temporarily feel better.
Hi Stephen,
that is very, very true – re the daylight and vampire analogy.
Absolutely agree … “darkness” can’t survive in “light” that is the absolutely Quantum Level truth.
The vampire myth was an incredible intelligent one.
Ultimately for us – it is about being that light, and then there is no need to change any aspect of darkness to “be” it too. If it isn’t us, it becomes “Not Our Reality”.
Thank you for your post, and so pleased for you that you have come out into the light.
Mel xo
melanie melanie…..my gosh every well almost every time i have some kind of intense interaction good or bad……your article speaks to what is happening to me at that time….how is that happening….well, it is….
so i have had no contact w/ N for almost 3 years…..i was hibernating for 1 1/2 years and trying your program and trying to heal…trying…..i met a married friend….you told me he is my healing angel….do not proceed with him…..but that it is a sign….continue to heal …..he is opening the way for something right to come along….that was strictly platonic…..the last few months i have been on on line dating…..i met a gentlemen…..one date….he tried to arrange another…..i said yes, but due to family obligations i wrote and told him i couldn’t……. i never contacted him again and he didn’t contact me……i just received an email from him….chastising me for not contacting him when i was available…and how silence is not a very respectable characteristic to show someone who is interested in you……btw, i am not romantically interested in him, but i thought him to be a kind man…..when i read the email, my first impulse was…..i’m a jerk, he is a nice guy and look how i am treating him…..i did not know how to respond…..and then i read your article…..and i feel i am back to the basics of co-dependency…..i have to make him feel better, why? he was attacking me, and i felt guilty…..
i have not replied, i am confused……i need to up lift…..connect to the small child who was wounded who would be chastised for not complying for ‘whatever’…..there you have it….i pray this was clear….i’m not….thank you for all you do……you are a beacon of light and i thank you and I will be grateful for some clarity
Hi Lauren,
let me just start with your words “trying to heal” and “hibernating”.
There are still beliefs and pain in your body. Are you in the Private NARP Member’s Forum getting help with your shifts to really nail those?
If you are still feel hunkered down, and not free and radiant it isn’t time to date – otherwise there is going to be that subconscious need to “be rescued”.
Ideally you wish to be internally free enough to be out in life glowing as the radiant you – with good boundaries and trusting yourself.
I ADORE how The Field always triggers “what we need to heal”. And this incidence did that for you. So it is about “What part of myself still wedged in my body (painful belief) takes on guilt and responsibility for others bad emotions?”
Go in and find that little girl and up-level her. Then you may write back to him with a clear powerful boundary something like.
“I am sorry you feel like that, but I am not responsible for how you feel about me not contacting you. I wish you all the best with your dating. Take care and all the best.”
Then never do contact him again …
And you will somatically feel really empowered in your body for doing so.
If you are struggling with the “bits” you need to heal and find, I can’t recommend you getting engaged in the Private NARP Forum enough – it will help your development greatly.
“Confusion” happens when we are in our “head” trying to work it out – clarity and self-evolution happens when we are in our body doing the necessary shifts.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Amazing article! Thank you as always.
Hi Lou,
thank you 🙂
You are so welcome – as always!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I have been devoted to reading your blog for about a month now and words cannot express how much you have enlightened me about myself as a person. I was with my N for 8 years and we have 2 wonderful children that I care for deeply. My story is probably one that has been told many times to you and greatly mirrors Stephen’s from the above comments. My love had also grown cold and I was staying for the kids sake. Perhaps I had already been healing during this time period. It wasn’t until my seven year daughter tried to strangle herself in order to silence her own voice which was getting her in deeper trouble with the N that I truly saw with my eyes and heart how sick this woman was. My N would fixate on me or my daughter and actually follow us around for hours yelling, degrading and as I have learned, saying whatever she could to generate her narcissistic supply. I am ashamed to admit that my own co-dependency kept me from intervening that day. She caught my daughter in her room with a bathrobe cord wrapped tightly around her neck and she was pulling on both ends to keep her voice from escaping and getting her into more trouble. The N immediately started screaming at her “how can you do that to me” over and over again. I heard the crying and screaming and went to see what was happening. When I got downstairs, the N was on the couch using her foot to keep my daughter who was now reduced to sobbing away from her. My daughter was apologizing and saying she just wanted a hug. The N was saying “just get away from me, How could you do that to me”. I scooped my daughter up and took her away, out of the house and she told me what had happened. That day I became a bastard and focused all my hatred onto the N. She could no longer control me with any of her skills and I was working on my plan to leave and somehow take the kids. But within about 3 weeks she filed for divorce and took the kids.
My anger that followed was intense so I went to a counselor who suggested the N had a Borderline Personality Disorder and taught me how to deal with my anger issues. I studied up on the BPD but this seemed to only supply why I was feeling the anger and I have never bought into the idea that I was ever a victim and would not become one now.
Then your words came into my life and the epiphanies were happening with each article I read. I started modified contact with the N and was amazed at how well it worked for me during custodial exchanges and still absolutely drives the N insane. She gets so mad when I do not comply to communicate she follows the kids and I to the car and beats on the window screaming. She filed a petition with the court to force us into counseling but I fought this and won. I am still worried that I may be forced into communicating with her and even had to explain to my lawyer why I vehemently opposed this (I explained modified contact).
I have accepted my part in this relationship and have truly received “The Gift” my N has given me but because I was left with all the bills, alimony and child support I have not had the money to buy your Quantum program. I have however asked for it for Christmas so we will see if Santa has one. My new energy has been subconsciously picked up by my kids and they now see me as whole and look for my normalcy and protection from the nonsense.
I am an extremely private person and have only chosen to share my story with you because you deserve to feel it. I appreciate the pleasure of being told thanks for a job well done and know my sharing will bring you the happiness you have returned to me. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself and I am looking forward to learning how to uplift my inner child problems and rid them from me forever. Thanks so much for all that you are doing for people like me. We all owe you a debt a gratitude.
Thanks Bob
Hi Bob,
I feel incredibly humbled and blessed that you have shared your heart and story with us here.
This has been an enormous journey for you, and I believe no matter how far many of us have come, it can’t help but sicken us to hear of your daughter so desperately calling out for love, and her mother making it “about her”.
Such is the horrific, horrific damage that has occurred within a narcissist’s brain to be capable of that.
Please, please let me know if Santa doesn’t have NARP on the list for you, and I may have a word to him on your behalf …
You totally deserve all the healing and love anyone does Bob.
Thank you for your connection Bob – and please know I feel it deep in my soul.
You are an angel for connecting here the way you have, and authentically sharing to help others.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I was going to mail all the “stuff” to my N’s father until I read this. Thank you for sharing. I get it. I truly do in a mindful way. I understand we all have a True Self and a False Self; An Inner Child and an Ego. It’s a constant duality that I keep wavering back and forth “through death to rebirth” that you eloquently described, and on to somactically up-leveling. Please HELP!!!
Hi Mark,
that is so good that the penny dropped on this stuff!
Yes – it is a duality until we can shift the wounds the ego feeds from. Then it gets so much easier!
I’d love to help …
I can’t recommend NARP enough Mark to do this process. If you are already in NARP getting connected in the NARP Member’s Forum where many wonderful people (as well as myself!) can help would be the next step.
Mel xo
The past two articles are definitely helpful and timely. I have healed so much in the past several years thanks to you! I still am working on a few persistent issues that are related to the (fading) belief that I am somehow not worthy to be surrounded by loving and truly authentic friends. I have dropped some people out of my life, a few have dropped me, and I have entered into modified contact with a relative whom I have allowed to violate my boundaries fairly often. I tell myself almost hourly that I will not abandon myself, and I take the time to be a true friend to myself! I can, if I take a few moments to do so, always get in touch with the feelings of being safe in the universe and being safe in my own care, things that I never felt before I began learning from you. New friends will come – there are billions of people on the earth and surely a few of them will eventually come my way! The benefits of working to up-level myself just keep coming. I have now been married for a year to my wonderful, loving, and sane new husband. I have partially retired from my career but in a way that allows me to continue at the same income level. I have completed another book. My health is very good for a woman of 70, and I am active with hiking, riding my bike, and working out at the gym. If I were to die tomorrow, there would be a smile on my face because I know I’m finishing strong! Thank you.
Hi EJ,
I love how your journey has unfolded! It has been really beautiful seeing that growth take place in your dedicated posts here!
Gorgeous that you are up-levelling yourself continuously and now relationships. Agreed, yes the world is filled with people who are already a match or raising up to be a match for your true authenticity!
I love that you are happily married now, and that you life is so rich and true at 70!
You are finishing off like a true Championess EJ! Wow your life sounds soooo amazing!! You are an inspiration for many …
Mel xo
I know there are deep inner wounds in me that must have allowed me to be targeted and abused by a narcissist, but I did not have a traumatic or abusive childhood. In fact, I had an amazing upbringing with 2 parents who made me feel so deeply loved and respected and important just for being me. I never had to ‘earn’ their approval and their unconditional love and support made me so confident and able to be very authentic and capable of going after my dreams.
Can codependency arise in adulthood?
I’m trying to figure out where my limiting beliefs came from, and I have a feeling it had something to do with my fathers death and how empty I felt- the narc appeared in my life 3 years after that. It just feels connected to me and I want to know if codependency issues can be learned later in life.
I just started doing the shift work- one session so far- and when I ask myself ‘how old is this pain’ I sometirms come up with ancient and other times I don’t hear anything.
Hi Cecly,
yes certainly the trauma of your Father’s death could have – absolutely, created the vulnerability, and emptiness necessary to have a “wounded” person (the narc) connect.
Also, when you feel into every trigger and hook – it can be really surprising what comes up. There can be things that we may have assimilated in certain ways that really have nothing to do with how “good” our parents was. It was our emotional deciphering as a child, when we did not have the ability to logically rationalise.
Also, no parent was “perfect” no matter how wonderful they were (they were human), and life wasn’t always “perfect”…
Rule of thumb Cecly if you can’t get a specific age, go with “ancient”, as there is always deep roots back in our past somewhere.
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
Thank you so much for making the unclear, clear! By reading these articles I can see where I have been horribly co-dependant and how the last few years I have shifted myself away from that without even knowing that was what I was doing. It makes so much sense now how my current relationship functions in a more healthy way and I can see how I went from co-dependant to I dependant and now my love and I are interdependent. It is an amazing thing! Beautiful really! What this article does so beautifully is label for me the unknowns…which is always helpful. I love looking back and seeing the progress I’ve made. What I can see clearly now is that continuing on this self-healing journey IS the key. The inside out way is the ONLY way. And your few, but very helpful notes about kids…those resonated with me. Knowing where I still have progress to make as a Mother is amazingly helpful. I want to model for my children a healthy and balanced way of life. I want to raise my boys and guide them in a way that they feel my love and not shame for “imperfect” ways of doing things. Mel, I am so grateful for the Narc in my life…if it weren’t for him, I would not have stumbled on your site and had the continued and profound healing I’ve had in the last month. So much love and gratitude!
Hi Nikki,
you are so welcome!
I too can relate to also being “horribly” co-dependant, despite thinking I had it all together!
That is so wonderful that you have organically grown to a much more solid self as a result of “the inside out” work …
I always love it when people feel the “gratitude” which is the profound soul acceptance “this was so meant to be!”
Your children are very blessed to have an evolving Mum who wants to make a difference to her life (first) and then their lives by leading the way.
Beautiful stuff Nikki 🙂
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
I am not prepared to leave a meaningful, helpful to others email at this time but I NEEDED to take time to thank you for the gift you have given so many by what you communicate. What you said about conditional love and its impact on us all is at the core of so much dysfunction and low self esteem. I think you have been anointed by the Source to help struggling souls in pain. You have shed so much light on the amorphous desperation so many of us experience. I read everything from you and you are so, so on target. The stages one goes through of blaming oneself, then others and all the anger and grief and feeling stuck, maybe are, as you have said, a part of the human condition. But… I have been in therapy and so benefitting from what you take such time to share. I have so much more work to do but I can see already that I am more able to stand up for myself and set boundaries. I appreciate you SO much.
Hi Sharon,
thank you for your lovely words, and I am so thrilled that we can all share this evolution together.
I feel so blessed by how my life turned out doing this!
Please know I appreciate you and your post so much too. I LOVE the connection to truth and wholeness that we all share, and I am so happy that you are healing to yours.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie, I think this series is some of your best work. The ‘list of behaviours’ I intend on sharing widely. Best regards, Sus
Hi Sus,
I’m so glad you enjoyed this two part article!
Thank you for paving it forward!!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, this article answered many of the questions that had been on my mind – especially regarding feeling selfish, wondering how I can live free of co-dependency, when others are co-dependent, and about speaking up. This whole article completely resonated. Your own truth and integrity feels so strong and it shines through here. One question I do have is – how do I do this with my aging father (he is 82 and lives in a different country). He was very emotionally/physically abusive to me and my brothers, impacting us all in different ways. I have attracted narc relationships connected to this. After going through NARP, much healing has occurred and I have made many shifts around my father and his behaviour. Now, he sends me emails about being depressed (mum died a couple of years ago, my eldest brother died when I was 15 and me and my other brother lives overseas), and I feel both compassion and frustration re this – as I feel responsible to make him feel better. At his age, I cannot see him changing – but I feel unsure about how to respond to him, without being co-dependent. I can see several paths – further forgiveness work, more healing of inner wounds, but I question my duty to him. I want to stay in my developing self integrity and unconditional love. I just can’t seem to get the answer. Re QFH, what would you suggest. Thanks so much xxx
Hi Carol,
I’m so glad this article helped you clear up some confusion.
I am so pleased NARP has helped so much.
Okay, this is the path that changes everything … as soon as we feel the “questioning”, “the confusion” we can very easily resolve and find the Source Truth by simply asking ourselves “Where is that in my body …” (the angst) … and then follow the QFH process through, cleaning up everything that comes up on this.
Then no longer are the unhealed parts of us involved, and that is when we get our firm “knowing” answers and can make true decisions.
You could usual Module One (generic) or the Goal Setting Module and set up the goal “I am fully aligned with my True Self wisdom on this topic”, and then keep clearing out of your body all the pain, confusion and guilt etc.
Then you will “be” that goal.
And you will “be” the answer.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thanks so much Melanie – as soon as I read this answer, I felt quite tearful and so I know that this is the way to go. I am so glad that I have space this afternoon to get into a QFH module, and I am really massively grateful to have this path modelled in a way that keeps me in my integrity, without slipping backwards.
I feel confident now that I will get the answers I need to make sound decisions.
A big heartfelt hug and gratitude – love Carolxxx
Hi Carol,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you felt that as “truth” in your body.
You are on your way through with this!
Mel xo
Wow. Loved that vampire analogy. Also cussing out the narc. Does temporarily alleviate pain. These shifts feel helpful but overwhelming. There’s a lot of junky garbage in there. It feels like a very slow process. It all rings very true, and I believe it, and it makes sense that I have been attracting crap to me, but letting go is taking so much time. I feel stuff moving and I’m getting it, but I’m not functioning the way I want yet. I get panicky still, although it has nothing to do with the narc. More separation From his energy. I’m just wanting to get rid of bad energy. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Martha,
it is great that you get it – and it does take dedication at first – there are many painful beliefs to shift!
Some people are very lucky it happens very quickly, but for most mere mortals like you and I it does take dedication to ourselves to “do it”.
Then piece by piece the relief comes. I explain to a lot of people, it’s like you are pulling the bricks out of your wall of false beliefs, one at a time, and then at some point the wall falls down and you feel free.
Then you still work on yourself (to me it’s a lifestyle not a destination – that’s what personal “growth” is) but our life and our emotions are soooo much better!
Also, please realise that NARP comes with an incredible Private Forum which has been invaluable to many people’s recovery journey.
When we get really serious about our commitment to ourselves we do what it takes Martha … because truly the struggle with not doing that is far more overwhelming.
Mel xo
I can’t recall the adage, but the intention is that the teacher appears when we are ready to learn. I cannot believe the timing of your coming into my life. I have been in a long distance relationship with a man who literally swept me off my feet, and I thought, in meeting him, that God had answered all of my prayers. As abusive and horrifying as our relationship was, God did answer my prayers as He was there to show me — me. Every button this man pushed was a window into my childhood wounds, that I belived had been healed long ago, but obviously were still weeping. I began to awaken last summer on some level, I woke up enough to begin to no longer see him for who I wanted him to be, but to see him for who he was, and to see how I was not a victim but a willing participant. Once I shifted my reality., and expanded my consciousness the world as I had known it had ended. There was no going backwards, when he tried to Hoover me his tactics held no power. I could no longer accept his manipulative ways, his broken promises, nor his anger and projections. I had always understood that he was struggling, and that he wanted to change, but awakened to the fact that unless he had the courage to face his childhood demons he did not stand a chance, and he was not a man if courage, but a broken child. What I hadn’t fully awakened too was my pattern of focusing on him and not looking inward. I sought therapy to deal with this new perception — this clarity — but, though she understood the awakening all of the traditional therapy just didn’t seem applicable. This knowledge that the N had brought to the surface, can only be addressed as you have so generously laid out and described. It was synchronicity that you simply appeared, and a true blessing that every word you write, every insight you share is sheer perfection. You are a well spring of wisdom and there are no words to thank you. It is as though you are speaking to my very soul. I would not have been able to understand you five years ago, but I now understand your every intention. You have been given a purpose that is honorable and amazing, and thank you for the validation, and spiritual guidance. Meeting this N lead me to myself, and to you, and for that I have tremendous gratitude, Thank you! Denise
Hi Denise,
thank you for your lovely words, and I love that you found the “inside” truth, and have been able to leave behind the old model that is “focus on them” which keeps us powerless to evolve and heal.
It is so, so true that when we ask the path appears – and then it is a matter of embracing it, and I am so thrilled you did and are now a sister on this journey and connected to this amazing community.
Bless you 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you so much and receive all my gratitude for sending all those helpful and soul saving information.the
N in my life are my parents and I have still much work to do to heal my childhood and after wounds.your articles are always best gifts for me.you said we can love
Ns ,I would like to be that but i still get terribly emotionally abused even in short and limited visits.I will be grateful to receive your advice.
Hi Claire,
you are so welcome.
Claire, “loving N’s” may be from the total detachment of not seeing them, and / or having powerful boundaries that state “love” always starts between self and self first.
There is nothing loving regarding abuse …
My total advice to you is to heal your wounds, and then you will show up completely differently and then your true boundaries that honour you will emerge.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the most direct way I know to achieve that self-work.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
My relationship with a narcissist began with over 1 year of internet and phone conversations where she came over as ‘almost too good to be true’. I risked a happy long marriage and a wonderful family and went out to meet her. I soon sensed a discomfort , an unawareness of the real situation and some of her charm disappeared.
Upon return to the UK the many miles separation gave me space to reflect and discover that I had been groomed by a Narcissist.
Melanie, your insights and guidance have helped me re-read those emails so that I could challenge her and let go. Let go of the emotions from every false ” I will love you for ever” from her. I realised that I could not change her, cracks appeared when she started to devalue me. I must have received over a hundred presents from her, some quite ridiculous but all demanding praise from me. It all came to an abrupt end when I sent her a picture of myself with a popular female musician. Intense jealousy that she could not bear. Now I must find courage to contact her husband and introduce him to your healing program especially for the benefit of two young daughters.
Thank you, Rick.
Hi Rick,
I am so pleased you deciphered the truth and have been able to shift yourself past the narc illusions.
Know that contacting her husband could have ramifications, narcs are very good at covering their tracks and prior smearing people who potentially speak up against them.
Make sure your intentions are pure, and that you can stand in integrity, and authenticity for the almost inevitable counter attack that will follow.
Darkness can not be fought with darkness, it needs to be countered with truth and light.
If you believe you are in a solid enough emotional position by all means follow this through.
Mel xo
I’ve been reading your blog and articles for months, and your words have helped me recognize, who my spouse really is. I’ve been married to the N for 9 years, and I recently filed for divorce after he spit in my face. The crazy thing is how I stood there after he spit on me, and in my mind I was thinking how did I make him do this to me… what could I have said or done differently, so he wouldn’t have been angry again. So, many times I would blame myself for his behavior. He works out of state, so many times I would fly to see him or he would come for weekend visits. However, if he didn’t get his way or if he got mad for some small reason, he would walk out the door, and never say bye. I can’t even count how many times he has left the home or woke up early in the hotel, just to leave and go back to work early because “I” didn’t give him attention or sex. Sex, cursing at me, and controlling money was what he did..
And once our daughter was born, I noticed he was jealous of the attention I gave her. He would be furious if she slept in our bed, and he would often punish me by either ignoring me / her, or refusing to help me with bills. I’ve never been on his bank acct., and he earns 4 x’s my salary, and feels as if he should pay just the mortgage and that is all. He dangles money in front of me, and in his words “if I’m not nice to him, then I don’t get money”. And, generally nice means SEX. Which sadly enough, sex turned into a job instead of something beautiful and wonderful. I started to feel like a prostitute and not valued as a person. I also felt like a child when I asked for money each month. There were occasions when he would let me write checks from his acct., but he would get angry at me, and he would close that acct., and open another one elsewhere. He would yell at me and tell me if I utter the words bills, beer or money to him, he would hang up the phone. That is something else – he drinks a lot.. I would consider him an alcoholic. He will have beer in the morning and not stop until he passes out. When he was home, I didn’t want him picking up our daughter from school because I wasn’t sure if he was sober. This also caused a lot of problems because I asked him not to drink in the home and to be sober around us, which all he did was hide the booz from me..
Anyway, when I filed for divorce, over and over he would say how he wanted a friend and (I’m not sure if I can say this word, so I will abbreviate it).. he would say I want a friend and P_ssy. ” Then he said if I filed, he would fight it just to hurt me, which he has. He refuses to sign or tell me his whereabouts so he can be served. He moved out about 4 months ago, and he does continue to pay the mortgage on our home, and he sure lets me know about that! However, he rarely gives me anything else to help with our daughter or the other bills. I have to wait for the court to order him to pay child support, which angers him because he said no one will tell him what he has to pay or when he can see his child. Most recently, he promised to come this Sunday to give me cash for Christmas and to see his daughter (which he hasn’t seen for 2 months), but he asked to come to the house late tonight to “just hang out”. I read into that being, he wanted a booty call, and so I told him how about we meet up for Sunday breakfast, but I knew better than to tell him no because what would happen next – and it did happen. He refused to come see his daughter (blaming me) and refusing to give me money for Christmas. And, I found myself apologizing to him again!
The crazy thing is I have a MSW, and I learned of narcissistic behavior, but how did I not see that my spouse was narcissistic, until I starting reading your blog??? One thing you said in this article that hit home and was something I did often.. I lecture him a lot. I feel like I am going insane most of the times when we have discussions or arguments. I want to understand or “fix it”, and he has said those exact words to me – why don’t you fix us, but I can’t fix him or us. I realize that now. I am still working on myself and your blog and articles help me everyday. I do fall of the wagon (so to speak) and I caught myself lecturing him yesterday when he refused to see his daughter and bring us cash, then I found myself apologizing to him numerous times because I wouldn’t let him come by late sat. night.. and I apologized to him for accusing him of wanting a booty call, but in my head… I was thinking – why else would he want to drop by at 11pm at night when his daughter is asleep.. He said he had no intentions of that, and he was angry at me for not believing him. However, in my head, I couldn’t understand why he insisted to come by Sat. night, especially when I’ve told him numerous times how I felt about him pushing sex on me, and why wouldn’t he coming by sunday for breakfast be okay.. why did I have to apologize and keep trying to make him see my point, which only exhausted me… See , as you can tell, I still have a lot of work on myself to do. Anyway, thank you again for your words of wisdom. I read the articles over and over, and I continue to work on myself each day.
Thanks again!
Hi Tammy,
I am so glad my articles are helping you.
I want you to understand that working on ourselves can be at a much more deeper and powerful level than just “information”. Information delivered at a cognitive level doesn’t go directly through to our subconscious – where the true shifts need to take place.
This is why the obsession and venting is still going strongly for you – because the traumas are still wedged in your body / your subconscious.
When that starts shifting out the obsessions will organically go, and your emotional freedom can begin.
NARP is the tool I created to provide that level of transformational subconscious healing. It will take you to the next and level without the horrendous logical struggle.
Some fortunate people can achieve the shifts at a “logical” level, but the generally rule of thumb for this level of trauma is most mere mortals like you and I can’t.
Hence the need for a deeper and more powerful process.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I found your blog about two months ago, when I had just added the last piece to a puzzle of my life. My real narcissist was very well hidden behind another very bad person in my family. This caused me too much time to understand, too much troubles, and too much time to react. It was as my life flowed through a bottle neck.
Suddenly, in a few days, as if there was a synchronization, at the same time I found my personal way toward a solution (similar to yours, I mean more physical than logical), my true problem (the real narcissist), and your valuable teachings and explanations.
It was as I had found my path to freely flow after the bottle neck.
According to your list for the 2014 co-dependency check up, my answers are “no more”, except for the last item, where I have still problems, and have not yet started to completely thrive.
It has been enlightening to read that we have the willingness and the power to find our true self, cleaning us from unpleasant emotions, feelings and sensations thrown on us by narcissists. And your teaching about loving ourselves unconditionally has been very helpful, together with setting very strong boundaries.
In Italy, we don’t call it narcissistic abuse but affective manipulation and very few people know and understand those dynamics. If only I had met you before, I could have saved time and pain, and could have recovered faster. It took me an entire life. Nobody teaches us such a subject and its warning signs.
Thank you Melanie, from the bottom of my heart. I hope to meet you in person sometime somewhere in the world.
I look forward to reading your next blog post and wish you all the best!
Paola
Hi Paola,
that is so interesting that in Italy the word “narcissist” is not known.
The truth is the depth and effects of unconsciousness (narcissism and victimisation) are so little known in all countries, and at best there are attempts to manage the symptoms but very little resources to heal these issues directly at the cause.
That is what I am very passionate about doing – releasing the true education and “way” to heal that does raise consciousness, and can go way beyond just being able to identify “abusers”.
Our true healing and evolution is about becoming conscious – one person at a time – reconnecting back to ourselves and knowing our worth and value and then co-generating that with others in the world, by helping them empower themselves also.
I love that you have connected to self-love and self-worth, because that is what this shift is all about!
Mel xo
Hi,
Thanks for the article …
I’m still struggling in co parenting area,I have managed to stop reacting to the things he do to try to keep me away from my son’s life …I’m still feel powerless and hurt since he took my son overseas and he called me to talk to him when is right for himself ….I hope to learn how to cope with that in that area.
Amanda.
Hi Amanda,
I feel for you going through this, there is nothing more painful, I believe as a parent, than having our children involved.
Amanda I would love you to access my articles and radio shows about Parenting with a Narcissist, and listen to other women’s stories and how by working directly in their own inner beings how incredible changes and healing took place.
Truly Amanda, the reasons and ways to heal are deeply “inside” always – regardless of how the “outside” is happening.
What you wish to aim for is not mere “coping”, it can be big “transformation” of what you are experiencing – but you have to become the emotional change you wish to create first.
I hope this helps, and please go back through my articles to access the information of co-parenting.
Mel xo
Wow. Totally blown away. Just listened to both part 1 and part 2 back-to-back and the (non-logical) insights are flowing through me like a torrent.
I’ve been in a marriage for 20+ years and am just beginning to see/feel how BOTH my partner and I are co-dependent and also somewhat-narcissists. We both entered this relationship to try to get healing of our original wounds from the other – unconsciously, of course, but full bore nonetheless. We also both have a thread of the abuser within us as well – the aggressive no-holds-barred I’m-gonna-get-what-I-need-from-you-if-it-kills-you, I’ve-gotta-be-right-at-all-costs. I know I shouldn’t speak for her but the similarity of what we’ve both done, the “evenness” of it (even though our modes differ) is earth-shaking for me.
We are both going through our awakening journeys (separately for the most part) at this time – but what I wonder is whether there’s any authenticity, any True Love, left between us once the co-dependence is stripped away and the Narc tendencies curbed/cured. Neither of us set out to abuse the other, but there’s been so much of it over the years that it has come to dominate and define our relationship – no matter our intentions.
I guess my biggest question is how to move forward (IF to move forward) with this healing path. While I believe we can heal our individual early-family traumas, I don’t see a way to healing the scar-tissue of our wounded relationship. I’m doing my best not to draw that conclusion to myself, but I’m also being honest that it seems to me like such a high mountain to climb. What do you suggest for two intertwined co-dep/baby-narcs both working on themselves at the same time?
With love and appreciation for everything you do.
Matthew
Hi Matthew,
thank you for your really authentic post and you are sooo welcome.
Ok my belief is that when the wounds are released and replaced with Source truths there is “only love”, so if this was to authentically take place you would forgive each other and start being and generating healthy love.
The difficulty here with two people wanting to do the work, is that you can’t do it for each other. It needs to be a personal journey whilst giving up the need to control or monitor the other.
In other words “How is your healing going in order for me to feel safer?”
There would need to be boundaries with this – and with your journeys if one does the work and grows and the other doesn’t then the person moving from young woundedness and co-dependency won’t remain in the relationship.
I beleive it gets to the point with all of us – that we have the choice whether or not we make our personal growth the number one priority – knowing that it doesn’t just improve our own emotional health, it contributes to life and others in the highest vibration ways.
In short if we realise this … what else would we do?
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the first Program to uplevel abuse wounding and then ES is the next one for co-dependency. NARP is your case is necessary first.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
I have been following your blog and have been receiving your emails to 10 steps to NARC abuse recovery. Its been 4 months since I cut off all contact to the Narc which I had been in a relationship for 3 years. I must say your emails, books and now this blog has helped me so much to understand what was happening and what my role in it was. I have changed alot especially of concentrating on myself, my inner wounds, and finally setting boundaries. It was a very dramatic break up. I moved out of my apartment the week after just to make sure I had nothing around me to remind me of the relationship, changed my number and cut off contact with friends that were related to him.
I feel like Ive become a new person. However, im at a point where I started meeting other men and for some reason I cant help it but I always doubt each person. I automatically go through a list is this normal could he be a potential Narc, are you still attracting those type of people. I dont know if im just downright paranoid or if this is something I will clearly see by meeting up with someone and after a few times I will automatically see it. Because I also dont always want to doubt every new person I meet. From your experience is this normal or am I maybe not as healed as I think?
Thank you again for all your input into this website and for so truthfully speaking about all these issues.
HI JL,
it is “normal” but not our true “natural” healed state ..
Which is … I am the “light” showing up authentically that “dissolves all darkness”.
This means we are being ourselves, not checking out other people to see if they are safe or not. We are radiant, truthful, and can ask for what we need, do boundaries and ask for clarification if something shows up as “off”. Then everything that is a match for authenticity stands, and what doesn’t becomes “not our reality”.
This is the goal – the high level of development into true radiance and freedom.
The problem is “what we fear we create” so yes it does mean more development work to go on the inner beliefs that are causing “life and others are not safe.”
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Reading your last two articles has left me feeling more empowered and more certain that it all begins with me. All my insecurities about anything out there need to come back to me. Also as I was reading I begin to feel compassion for the narc in my life and especially at Christmas time would like to touch base. Even as I write this I know I am acting codependently because I want to feel secure and at peace with him. I want things to be smoothed over. I am glad that I have reached a level of consciousness that instead I will work on a module so that I don’t feel I have to make things right with him in order for me to feel right.
Thank you Mel for all that you do and enjoy a joyful Christmas. Xx
Melanie I was married to a n man years ago and have three children with him. Ages 30, 36 and 37. They blame me for his abuse and manipulate, play games,blame me for everything, ignore me, and say very hurtful things to me. I have grandchildren I want to see once a year and I don’t know how to handle this. My children don’t respect me and act like I’m a bad person. I helped my daughter get thru college and took care of her daughter for eight years. She told me I’m selfish, self centered and the only reason I helped her was so she could support me. My daughter has done nothing for me and I have never asked her to do anything for me. I live two thousand miles away I have a job, my house is paid for etc. I don’t need anything from her. We used to be so close and now she acts s I uncaring and cruel. I want to order your CD’s to work on myself. Now all three of my children are being abusive and I have not spoken to them in a few months. I can’t continue being treated like that anymore. Do you have any idea what changed them or what I should do.
Hi Melanie,
I just ended a 2-yr dating relationship with a very narcissistic man. I don’t know if he is completely NPD, but as you say, that doesn’t really matter. (I’m quite sure he falls into the Altruistic Narc column, however.) A longtime female friend of his warned me several months ago about how damaging his behaviour is to women he dates. I said I was aware of his issues, and that I had broken up with him a few times already, because of his unreasonable behaviours, but that he kept coming back. He had even apologized on occassion. All along I was being triggered by him, and at first would LITERALLY just run away — as in packing my bag while he was taking a shower, & leave.
Gradually I started reacting in front of him — crying uncontrollably, & learrning that there were still wounds I had not healed. He would be very understanding, & I would feel we were getting somewhere.
The last time I broke up with him, in October, I took some time to connect to myself, & had yet more realizations about myself. I was in a very good place when he came back, nicely, & we got back together, in November. Since then things had been going very well, and he had recently started seeing a therapist again. He was more respectful & admiring of me, more affectionate. We had a wonderful time a couple of days after Xmas, when we spent a couple of days together, after our respective family stuff. I went back New Year’s Eve for another couple of days, and the wheels started to come off again.
As we made a nice dinner together, he was at the same time kind of drunk & bit out-of-control in his manner, which is unusual for him.
During dinner he asked me twice, “So what do you thin about us?” I didn’t answer till the 2nd time, and I tried to give a considered, realistic answer about how we’ve had quite abit of turmoil, but lots of good times, too; that it had helped me to realize some things about myself, and that I had come to a place of strength & no expectations about where it was headed. And I thanked him for this. Clearly he wanted me to ask him whar HE thought, so I did, with a bit of trepidation ( which is a sign all was not really well–) and he replied, rather sneeringly, “I think we’re IMPOSSIBLE!” After a moment, I said, “gee, thanks.” I let it go, though, and continued on with the evening.
We were a bit tired & drunk, later, so we just cuddled in bed watching a movie until midnight, when we fell asleep. At 1 a.m. he got a phone call, from a woman (I could hear her voice through his cell phone. He has a lot of friends who are women, so I though nothing of it, at first — just someone calling to wish him HNY. He cut the call short, but I could hear her gushing at him, calling him Sweetie, & hug, hug, kiss,kiss. After he hung up he said, “Oh, my friend out on the west coast (of Canada — we are in the east) — don’t know why she’d call at this hour.” And with that he went back to sleep. Not me. I knew this was an ex, from 20 yrs ago, who he’d suddenly gone on a trip to Mexico with 6 years ago, the terribly romantic trip I’d heard about so MANY times.
Anyway I will spare the next few days, but I put it out of my mind till I went home day later. I was able to block out my fears & suspicions till I arrived at home, a mere 45- min ride, when it hit me…and I called it quits. This has been truly harrowing for me, because in the last several weeks things had never been better between us. He admitted this long-distance thing had been going on for weeks, but he would forgive me for the indiscretion of reading his email/text messages
since he was in the wrong. I told him I read nothing — it was intuition that had revealed it to me. He said it was a silly flirtation & meant nothing, & that he knows he’s always been a terrible flirt.
Anyway, I’ve been reading your articles, listening to your radio archives, & know now that there is no hope for this man. He is 59 yrs old, and even after years of therapy is no closer to being able to maintain any kind of healthy, interdependent relationship. Clearly I still have wounds to heal, though I have healed so many …. the layers keep revealing themselves. I am 56 yrs old, and still working on it, and have come so far since my husband died 9 yrs ago. I’m just so thankful for your work, Melanie. I’m in awe at the amount of stuff you produce, and give away….it must be channelled! Your gift to connect to Source & explain all of the dynamics is truly remarkable. Thank you with all of my heart! And Happy New Year! I’m listening to your webinar tonight. ❤️
Hi Melanie,
The beginning of reading your material was the God Almighty’s blessing to me in December 2014 as I was praying to him just few days before for a complete closure to my second ex. I am so grateful to him for having me reached your website accidentally(this is what I thought when I was searching randomly but when I read the stuff I became overwhelmed with joy and cried)I came to know about the complete awareness about NPD. I have been so blessed with this knowledge that he gave you to help millions of others. It has cleared up not only my questions about the second ex but my first spouse, my adoptive mother and some others as well. I always tried telling myself that I had gotten over with all other than the 2nd ex but after reading more about NPD and psychopaths, now I am done with them through a thorough understanding of these personality disorders. I had read about depression but all of them never seemed to be under depression but they were not normal either. It was a mystery to me what they were. I am so thankful to God Almighty and then to you.
With regards to what I needed to do in order to heal from co-dependency, I have my faith in my creator, the One and only ALLAH Almighty. I am a muslim by faith and the very first thing is to pray for peace and guidance. This is I always tried not to be apart from, no matter how much I felt drained out, screwed up, lost or whatever happened, I did pray. I strongly believed in that even if the whole world leaves me, my creator will never abandon me and he never did left me on my own.
Nothing happens overnight so my journey to myself was gradual over the past 30 years. Every time I went through a phase of abuse, i knew it was wrong but I did not know how to stop it and come out of it. I was able to make it through each time with praying and a strong will that was granted to me to survive and live in dignity and peace. I was empowered with unbelievable circumstances that were impossible to people around but I held on to my faith and it kept clearing up my path without any harm to me and my kids.
My survival with my children has been phenomenal and incredible. Moving from one part of the world to the other, getting education, new skills, and much more is all parts of this beautiful journey. Prayers have power and wings to cross the universes and are answered. It is nothing but special blessings.
I was put through numerous tests and help was also sent in order to succeed. I went through the following during my learning period;
*Once you have identified the abuse, come out of the denial. Try hard and harder to accept the reality no matter how difficult and unbelievable it seems. You will have to make a decision to leave.
*Keep your plans a top secret. Get professional help. Your doctor is the first one to approach. Make sure he or she is worth contacting. You will need a very strong will power to beat the odds.Anti-depressant never worked for me, however, some sleep aid Rx to a very mild level had helped keeping the brain activity a little less and relaxed This is not easy to find a professional who has specific training to deal with NPD and psychopaths. No friends or acquaintances should ever hear anything about your planning. I am sorry to say that often family and friends ruin the whole idea of getting rid of the abuser by being on his side and I could not believe it. This is my own experience. You may tell them about the abuse but not what you have been planning about your safety. Only those whom you really can trust, can be told but again be careful and make sure that they are on your side and are willing to help. Just test them by asking for a little help, if they avoid you or make lame excuses, stop trusting them and keep looking for somebody else. You WILL find one or more. It is a part of your survival package from heavens.
*Make safety plans, more than one and keep all possibilities and risks in mind. It gives you a clear picture of what can happen and what your next options would be.
* Throw self pity in trash for ever and have your inner-self fire kindled. Eat, sleep, laugh, cry, fight, and act as you were doing always. Be more observant and wise to what is needed to be done rather than what is happening.Your routine should not change to be alarming or alerting the narcissist. They should be living in their own fantasy that they can keep using and hurting you for ever. Give them the joy of getting you fooled. You will have to wear this mask of manipulation for your life. Stay a fool in their eyes til its over. You will have to manage your inner world and the outer simultaneously. You will have to reassure yourself that you are on the right path to succeed.
*Do not mess with the narcissist. Keep empowering yourself with writing journals and keep them away from him or her. Keep detaching yourself from them slowly and quietly. They are dark evils and should remain in their darkness til it ends from your side. Each time you feel a positive change in you, write it in your journal and try improving it. you will feel the difference in you but do not worry about the narcissist noticing them, they are too busy enjoying their victories over you. Even if they notice, they will laugh at you as usual. Just do whatever you were doing normally but do NOT let them peak in or through your heart and soul. It is your time to laugh now.
*You will see success running to you instead of you struggling for it. Just keep doing your part accordingly. Do not get confused. Hide joy and any excitement, there be a later time for all of it, believe me. Hold on to yourself and keep working toward your goal of freedom and independence.
*You may not get enough time sometimes to think too much about making immediate choices depending on the urgency in nature. Do not panic, trust your intuition and step forward to pluck each flowers of your healing garden. Take every possibility as a great opportunity.
* Keep working on all possible risks factors and losses. They may be permanent or temporary, big o small but keep praying. Be ready and prepared mentally for all challenges. There will be many down the road, but do not worry too much, they shall pass and teach you something new. Risks and challenges are very worth taking in order to survive the narcissist. Keep picturing yourself in a place without any abuse and the NARCISSIST. This is a great feeling.
*Make wise and timely decisions. Do not delay or leave hings to the last minute. You will have to sacrifice a lot but it is worth it. You are the winner in the END of these tests if you practice staying calm, strong and happy inside.
* Do what you love and it is legitimate. As long it is not harming you or others. I did what I loved doing. I pray, read books and articles, dance, exercise, sing in my room alone, cook etc. Do what you love and feel joy in, even it is a household chore. You do not have to pressure yourself for something new if you don’t feel like.
*Instead of avoiding the narcissist and alerting them, until you are forced to live with them due to any reasons, just observe their words and actions and keep writing in your journals what your observation is. Tell yourself this is not your future and you deserve much better in life ahead.
* Cry, cry and cry to break the illusion you are living in. Do not harm yourself with anything. Crying will help releasing the emotional pressure from you. Tell yourself that from now on, you have promised to yourself that you will respect your feelings. If you feel numb, it is ok, it happens.
* Avoid mingling with people to have sympathy with you. Your life is not a fun story to be spread in the universe. You are on a secret mission. Think and feel like an agent who is helping you, enjoy it. You need real support, not anybody’s pity. You will come to know during your journey who really loves you and who does not.
* Enjoy your efforts and tap your own shoulder often. Read yourself positive affirmations every day and night.
It may take a long or short journey depending on your destination but nobody can reach a destination without starting travelling.
There is much more to write and I will try to do it soon. You may contact me via my email.
Love.