Melanie Tonia Evans

2014 Co-dependency Check Up

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Some of you might remember that last year I created an article called Co-Dependency Checklist – How Far Have You Come?

Because it is nearly the end of the year, I thought it would be great to reflect – to see where we are, and what progress we have made throughout the year.

As sufferers of narcissistic abuse we have all played out co-dependency … I used to be horrifically co-dependent!

Co-dependency can be very serious. It leads us further away from integration of self (authentic powerfulness) and takes us down a slippery slope of disintegration of self (powerlessness) – especially if we continue to hold people and things outside of ourselves responsible for the state of our lives.

If we do this, we are not going to have the value of “developing and healing ourselves to wholeness”, meaning we can’t and won’t obtain it.

And we tend to latch on to people and situations which don’t ease our fears, but bring the evidence of them instead.

A huge part of narcissistic abuse recovery, and ensuring you do not attract another narcissist into your life, is about releasing co-dependency and transforming into a healthier self.

This article is a two part series. They both are about information and solutions regarding co-dependency.

We have a lot to cover!

 

How Was Co-dependency Caused?

When I put up a Facebook post about this week’s post many people replied with this question.

“How was co-dependency caused? And questions like “Is it caused by low self-esteem?” And “What makes some people and not others co-dependent?”

I want to start off by explaining that low self-esteem is a symptom of the modelling of co-dependence, and that most of us, if not all of us, were programmed to become co-dependent to varying degrees.

The reason being is: we are all a product of a world that looks “outwards” for comfort and fulfilment. We were NOT taught to come inside and self-partner in times of stress.

Rather we were told to “Shut up and get on with it”, or that our feelings and emotions were “inconvenient” and “irrelevant” and therefore had to be ignored, repressed, shoved aside or switched off.

As a result we all became more and more disconnected from our emotional centres and we tried to acquire stuff or people’s love and approval to stop the pain, and when that failed we took up addictions (self-avoidance mechanisms) to try to numb ourselves out from the pain.

Societal beliefs, unconsciousness, and the horrific programming of “Needing to get worthiness, value, approval, and love outside of ourselves” is all responsible for the dis-ease (yes it is a human disease) of co-dependency.

What we all need to realise is that narcissism and co-dependency is just different manifestations of the same levels of disconnection from self – the same state of unconsciousness.

The real difference is the co-dependent said “I will try to please you, so that you will love me and be my source of relief from my inner pain of being disconnected from myself” and the narcissist said “I will mine you and control you and take from you to get the relief of the inner pain of being disconnected from myself.”

The other major difference is that co-dependents can heal, and the narcissist invariably never will. I will go into this in more detail in Part Two …

We can understand that the root of all unconscious behaviour – being a victim or a perpetrator – comes from the same emptiness, and the same dis-ease of being disconnected from self and living in the illusions that we are incapable and unworthy.

One of the greatest wounds disconnecting us from ourselves is the belief that it is somehow wrong and even blasphemous to believe we are powerful emotional Creators directly connected to Source / Life / God.

So rather than know we are a part of Source / Life / God organically, we took on the beliefs we are soiled, bad and unacceptable as we are. And rather than feeling like a loved and accepted child of God we were infused with blame, shame and fear – believing we needed to conditionally gain approval, prove ourselves, repent, change, and be somehow different to be granted this connection …

The connection that we already are coded to have – and more than that – the connection that we already organically ARE.

That was the greatest “separation” illusion that led us into unworthiness, self-loathing, emptiness and handing our power over – often to people who do NOT have our best interests at heart – and absolutely cannot provide our true connection for us.

Our connection to our own Inner Being, solidness, self-love and self-acceptance is only between us, our own soul and Source / Life / God – directly without any outer substitutes.

Co-dependency is a spiritual disease. It is NOT a psychological issue, the psychological component is the symptom. It is an emotional issue, a soul issue.  The remedy does not lie in logical thinking. It requires a deep connection back to yourself and your true connection with Source / Life / God.

Until we know we are at One with Source (and at the Quantum Level that is the absolute scientific truth) we cannot ever be at One with ourselves, others or this planet.

This is when we suffer the results of “disconnection” and are not generating the Source truth of “wellbeing”. Rather we are granted by Source / Life / God the results of our free will choice of living in the illusions of “separation”.

Source / Life / God (which is the bigger part of the unseen you, that you ARE a part of) states “I love you so much unconditionally I will absolutely grant you more of what you are sending out as your emotional truth.”

“If you believe you are not adored and supported by me – I will grant you that.”

“If you believe you can never be good enough to be loved, secure and successful – I will grant you that also”.

If we are always backed into emotional corners of the desperation of not feeling loved, secure, worthy and whole – the TRUE reason why is because we have not established and embodied the truth – that Source and ourselves are One.

It means we don’t know that Source adores us beyond measure simply because we exist, and that we were born worthy of knowing we are loved and approved of.

When we are stuck in the emotional agony of disconnection from this truth (and most of humanity is) we will try to gain love, approval and significance from all the wrong places.

Many spiritual minds speak of this truth and recognise it – because it is truth. The bottom line is the only pain we ever have in our life is the Spiritual Starvation from our True Connection – no more and no less.

Because everything in our life is generated from that.

If we knew and organically embodied that we are adored and approved of, would we need to tolerate people who didn’t genuinely reflect that? Would we need to hang in there for crumbs?

Would we feel so empty that we would make decisions and hand our power over in ways that hurt ourselves?

Would we try to mine from another in self-serving ways to get something from them to fill us?

Would people attack, harm, murder, rape, invade counties, steal resources, or exploit others for greed?

No they wouldn’t, because they would know the deep Quantum Level Truth – we are all One. To harm another would simply mean hurting yourself.

We would know we are ALL equal, worthy, and loved aspects of Source, and we have no need to play games of “separation” and “me versus you” to try to win and get love and worthiness.

What is there to “get” and ”take” when we already are it?

What fear would we have of people “taking” it and “getting” it from us if we knew it JUST IS?

And wouldn’t we deeply “give”, “share” and “support” when we irrevocably knew “You are Me – I am You.”

The greatest ridiculous illusion that man has conjured up in order to create “separation” is that somehow our authority God (Creator Of The Universe itself) is needy, has requirements and employs conditional love that if not met generates vengeance and punishment.

This defies all sensible logical …

“All That Is” needs nothing – “All That Is” already IS! What on earth could it require?

Healing co-dependency is all about this – healing this false premise of disconnection that has not just ripped our own emotions and lives apart, but has effectively torn humankind apart.

We can heal this – truly – one person at a time.

 

How Do We Make Sure Our Children Don’t Grow Up Co-dependent?

The true answer is counter-intuitive to what you may think.

Rather than try to do anything about your children – let go more

Which means stop trying to control, lecture and prescribe, fix and keep them safe.

The most powerful way you can empower your children to not be co-dependent is by healing your own co-dependency. Because then you will be comfortable and even keen to let them make mistakes, face the consequences of their actions and grow.

And rather than blaming and shaming them for their mistakes (because they are triggering your expectations of them fraught with the conditional love you learnt), rather, by example you will teach them that they DO have the resources to be personally responsible, work it out, self-soothe, forgive themselves and develop their own wisdom and growth.

The biggest mistakes parents make (and I was totally guilty of this) is to try to force our children into behaving a certain way … “If you would just DO that I can feel better”, and pass it off as being “good for them”.

This is not to be confused with boundaries. Boundaries are great with children, they set limits and bring about personal responsibility. They teach this: “If I make certain choices there are consequences.”

So for example, if you have set a limit and you mean “No” don’t argue, lecture and prescribe. Deliver the consequence such as “No PC for two nights” and then get on with your whole and empowered life.

Mean the boundary and follow through without the fight, guilt or back down.

Another boundary may be “When you are ready to talk calmly and respectfully I can help” and mean it. Walk away from disrespect, get on with your existence and don’t pander to emotionally abusive behaviour.

Then let go and allow your children to make mistakes and learn from them – because that is the way they can grow and develop into solid, effective mature human beings – empowered in life.

Don’t interfere with that happening for them.

And absolutely model for them limits and model healthy boundaries yourself. If they see you being a powerless victim not taking control of your own life, especially if you acting out powerless and victimised blame and shame, they will model it – they will attract and do exactly that in their own life.

Or worse still, they will become perpetrators, because they believe by your example “The only way to not end up as weak and powerless as Mum (or Dad) is to strike first”, and” I am so unsafe now because of my parent being taken out, that I have no choice.”

You may think your powerlessness compels them into compassion and not doing to others what has been done to you, but that is NOT how emotional energy manifests. It creates “more” of whatever it is. Your ongoing victimised pain can only manifest pain, wounds and scarring for your children in their lives – point blank.

Many, many narcissistic children are manifested from the dynamic of the narcissistic parent with the other parent remaining in powerless victimisation.

I have seen this pattern more times than I want to recall. As far as I am concerned it is THE recipe that creates the MOST narcissists, and I HOPE that is a huge wake-up call for you if you are determined to hold on to the victimised model.

I promise you it is one of the most powerful reasons why I am so passionate about healing people FROM the victimised model … Because we are never going to heal our planet of narcissists until we do – it will never die out, they are simply going to keep spawning.

In stark contrast, if your children see you drop the co-dependency of powerless victimisation, not only are they more likely to come towards you (rather than turn against you narcissistically), they will see within you the modelling of becoming empowered and grateful for the development and gifts that you have received from these lessons.

How do you want your children to emerge from the inevitable hard lessons of life? As victims? Or as expanding developing beings becoming even greater and happier as a result of them?

I think the answer is obvious.

When you become personally responsible and take on your own development, your children will respect you, admire you and love you even more for who you have become. In fact this creates the most glorious connections with your children than you could ever imagine. Authenticity and personal responsibility is one of the most attractive and potently lovable traits we could ever adopt – children pick up on it intuitively, energetically and emotionally.

And this happens without you doing anything to make them “get it” – they just do, and they start expressing it in their own lives.

Some of the people in the Facebook Group expressed their feelings of “over-responsibility” that are hard to shake.

Feeling responsible for everyone and taking on the enormous burden of “having to fix” is created in our childhoods. The message we received goes like this: “Unless other people are happy I am not safe”, or “If I don’t give everyone what they want I won’t be loved or taken care of”, and so forth.

We can all do the “logic” around this until the cows come home – but the absolute truth is: until we find these affected young wounds and up-level them (transform the inner belief to something more healthy) they will continue to drive our lives.

The strategies we developed to “survive” at a young age, are deeply unconscious and very powerful, and continue to play out as adults – until we heal them.

 

How Do We Know If We Are Being Co-dependent Or Not?

Some of you will remember this quiz from last year’s post and some of you will not.

Regardless, I would love you to answer these questions and share how many you answered “Yes” to.

For those of you who did last year’s checklist you can compare to how you did last year. And for those of you who are new to the blog, or didn’t do it last year this is a good chance to start reflecting and seeing what changes you still need to make regarding co-dependency.

Please know that you can always remain anonymous.

 

  • Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
  • Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
  • Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
  • Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
  • Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
  • Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
  • When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
  • Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
  • Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
  • Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
  • Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
  • Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
  • Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
  • Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
  • Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
  • Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
  • Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
  • Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
  • Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
  • Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
  • Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
  • Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

 

Maybe, if you did the list previously,  you are are really happy at the improvement in your score now. Or maybe you know there is more self-transformation work to do.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter where you are at – because it’s a starting point – as every moment is. And in this moment of now you can now start awakening and “seeing” what you couldn’t see before.

These were some of the questions on the Facebook Group “How can I be aware when I am acting co-dependently? Why are there times that I am struggling to see it?””

The truth for all of us is, when we are stuck in either the illusion “Life happens to me from the outside” or “I am so damaged and broken that there is no hope for me” (which are both victim stories) we are unconscious – we don’t “see” what is really going on, or how to deconstruct the reasons why we are doing this.

We have no ability to align with our True Power, which means evolving past this pattern.

This is how I used to “do life”– go from one painful incident to the next, ignore all the “signs” Life and others reflected back to me, and keep fumbling along (usually with the use of addictions to self-avoid the pain) – that was until I had no-where else to go other than inwards to find the truth.

Also, when we try to work out negative emotion logically rather than creating a loving self-partnering relationship with our Inner Being, we are in “blender brain” and only confusing matters further. We are also usually engaging in all the thoughts that don’t help us – ones that only injure us further.

“Thoughts like “What is wrong with you? Stop being pathetic!”, or “I’m going to eat that piece of chocolate cake I need it”, or “So and so is horrible because of what she said. How dare she?”, and “Why on earth am I so over-sensitive and stupid? For Godsake get over it!”

None of that helps. What DOES help is connecting with that young vulnerable part of ourselves, which will reveal what this is really about as well as grant us access to up-level it – if we are prepared to go inside ourselves and be real, vulnerable, supportive and self-loving.

So, in a nutshell, how do we know that there is something co-dependent going on in our life?

The way we know is we have negative emotion …

We feel fearful, empty, panicked, needy and powerless. These are the indicators. This is the answer and the ONLY answer.

When we feel painful emotion, often what we do is try to grab or do something outside of ourselves to relieve these painful feelings, but this is just kicking the can down the road and the problem just gets more cemented and bigger. Our neuro pathways just became more hardwired onto “self-avoidance” which causes further separation (disintegration of self with self) rather than integration.

When self-avoidance doesn’t help (it is only ever temporary relief followed by deeper plummets into pain) then “obsession” kicks in. This is the use of our limited logical mind which can never be the substitute for deeply connected to our emotional inner self. Obsessing doesn’t bring solutions and only creates self- abuse. It was never a solution.

When our greatest desire becomes to develop and evolve ourselves we know two things. I) That negative emotions signals to us “something within us is not aligned”, and 2) Life / Source / God and our Soul is always connected as One delivering us the exact matches of our emotional connection or disconnection with Source.

Therefore when “bad” stuff happens this always means there is some part of our woundedness (internal separation) behind it.

So really all we need to understand is that co-dependency is going to show up as emotional triggers and life disappointment. Then we need to avoid the dire traps of self-avoidance and obsessing and come inside to ourselves to self-partner, investigate and heal.

Then we DO break free from that co-dependent pattern – often instantly.

 

The Connection Between Poor Boundary Function and Self Abandonment

One of the Facebook members wrote a post wanting to understand more about “Setting boundaries and self-abandonment”.

It is easy to understand that when we have not yet healed the internal pain and fear that is synonymous with co-dependency we are going to struggle with boundaries.

As co-dependents we are struggling with self-love and self-approval, so naturally the people who we are hooked on trying to provide us with love and approval can disarm us very easily.

No matter how much they hurt us, it is really hard for us to hold the line and say “No more”. In fact we will sell out that line to try to keep them as a source of love and approval rather than back ourselves and forego these people.

After all we don’t believe we can be these resources to ourselves.

This is where self-abandonment comes into play.

I used to be the classic case of self-abandonment – making decisions to avoid going “empty” that were so self-destructive they nearly ended my time on this planet.

In fact I was sooo desperate to have someone outside me heal my pain, that I completely abandoned my own safety and care – and I know many of you reading this will be able to relate.

True empowered boundaries mean: “I love myself and I know my truth. I know who I am, and I will not compromise myself anymore. You have a choice to be in my reality of meeting this higher vibration. If you don’t – that’s okay – I’m not in anymore regardless of the consequences. Because in no way is the correct and healthy development of my life dependent on you making any particular choice, or even understanding what I need. You are NOT my source of self – I AM!”

Now of course we don’t reach this level of conduct until we have done the work on ourselves to get there, and naturally the work is about finding and up-levelling the young unhealed parts of our Inner Being that are still hooked on “You HAVE to be the source of me because I can’t be that to myself”.

It is true, as children we couldn’t be a source to ourselves, we were entirely co-dependent. We were powerless and vulnerable, and if we haven’t healed and up- levelled these young parts – which means self-developing and growing them lovingly and supportively up – they still affect us, regardless of knowing better logically.

I promise you the painful aspects of our life are not being created logically, and they can’t be solved logically.

Boundary function and co-dependency are hugely enmeshed. Being an effective boundary setter absolutely requires healing co-dependency, because unless that has been worked through you can’t know your limits as truth, you will be easily talked out of them, and any abuser can easily pick your gaps to get you to hand your boundaries over.

It is a huge illusion that anyone can have their boundaries crushed by a narcissist.

That is just NOT true … We can only have our boundaries crushed when we don’t know personal rights, when we don’t have the ability to speak up and risk rejection, criticism, and abandonment, and when we can’t hold the knowing of the truth and approval of ourselves REGARDLESS of what other people choose or do.

I promise you there are people who learnt this organically as children, because REAL unconditional love (more on that later) – self-love, self-respect, and self-resources were modelled for them.

We weren’t those lucky ones, but we are no longer powerless children. We can face these young wounds and we can take responsibility for them and heal them.

Boundaries can get very confusing – and that is when we are still stuck in some young wounds.

One Facebook member wrote “I’m not responsible for other’s “stuff” and need to focus only on what I am here to do and be, as well as not releasing my power to a “user”. But also, I need to respect other’s boundaries that they deserve the option to find themselves and evolve as their true, authentic self. I have no way of knowing what others are. It really is a struggle to internalize this concept.”

The answer to this is also counter-intuitive – it may not be what you expect,

Part of our job is never to try to guess what other people’s rights are – we can only ever be responsible for the implementation of our own.

This means we stop trying to work people out, and we free ourselves to be ourselves – which never means trying to make people be or do something a certain way. There is a huge difference between stating “Don’t do that it really annoys me” (crossing a boundary) instead of saying “I really need some peace and quiet to get this done … could you please help me out by being quiet for a little while?” And if not – then remove yourself and create your own “quiet”.

The first reaction (and we know we are reacting because we are triggered) will be a young wound activated from childhood; something like “My needs are never important” – hence why the aggressive reaction.

So when dealing with others, if you are triggered, you need to heal the original wound otherwise you will show up treading on people’s boundaries.

We can never be authentically ourselves by trying to work out other people’s moods, needs and desires. The more authentic we become with our own Inner Being the more honest, loving and authentic we become with others.

We start living by the credo “Neither of us are mind-readers, we are doing our own journey from the inside out – we are responsible for our own connection with Source and wellbeing and then sharing that.  So if you need something from me I give you full permission to speak with me honestly and lovingly about your feelings and what you need, and I grant that permission to myself too.”

This conversation on boundaries now brings us to this part …

 

The Most Empowering Co-dependency Story I Have Ever Heard

I love this story, and have often thought of it, and the reason I am sharing it again is because one the Facebook Members suggested I did.

I loved the idea because this story explains co-dependency point blank.

Here goes …

I want you to imagine some seedy character knocked on your door with a greasy pizza, and he said to you “I am going to give this pizza to you for free, but that means you and I have to hang out and you need to do exactly what I want.  If you agree I will bring you free pizza every day.”

Now imagine you were starving and you had been completely unable to produce food for yourself.

You might just submit. You might just think “OMG I have to eat, I am so empty, I’m dying! There may not be another opportunity to get relief from this empty, dying feeling … For now at least I have to take this offer up.”

So you do …

Of course the results of that would not be good!

Now imagine if you had a fully stocked kitchen and you had been preparing and creating delicious and nutritious meals for yourself for quite some time, and this seedy person knocked on your door with this offer.

Of course you would say “No way!!”

Why would you say “Yes” if you already were a healthy source to yourself?

From this story we understand a couple of things – that if we believe someone else is going to take our pain, fear and emptiness away, we are HIGHLY susceptible to being manipulated and abused, because we are dependent on this person for vital emotional components that we are not as yet providing for ourselves.

We can also understand “hungry people make the worst shoppers” – they choose junk food. They choose the quick fix that will give them momentary relief, but will leave them even unhealthier.

This is the ABSOLUTE explanation of the following posts that members posted …

“To end up in bad relationships with no boundaries. I feel like I have been searching for that comfort, that safe place to fall my whole life … and each wrong place I have ‘looked’ has made the void more present.”

“I relate to what you are saying. It’s like the whole relationship has forced me to nurture me and not him. To love myself. This is hard for me to admit that I need others affirmation in order to love myself.”

This happened to all of us –because we did NOT have a fully stocked inner kitchen. We had not healed and developed our inner young wounds enough to have a direct relationship with Source and ourselves.

 

Conditional Love

I loved the suggestion from a Facebook Member to discuss “conditional love”.

Conditional love goes like this: “If you could only find a way to be ‘different’ I could find a way to love you.”

Conditional love goes against EVERYTHING that our True Self knows – which is “All of Existence adores me unconditionally simply because I exist.”

Think about this … someone else’s “conditions” or approving of you may not be healthy for you – and no matter how much you twist yourself into a pretzel to appease this person by “being a certain way” you have no ability to heal this person’s essential relationship with themselves – which is REALLY where their negative emotion is coming from.

This brings us a vital understanding – if we were brought up with conditional love we learnt the message “YOU are wrong”, rather than “What you are doing is not working given what you would like to achieve.”

So we became detached from our own worthiness, and rather than live through the natural Laws of cause and effect and self-discovery (which is how we realise we are directly creating with Life and what our True Power is) we were pulled out of this “connection” and forced into all sorts of ways to try to gain approval from others by trying to “be” their agendas that would stop them feeling emotional pain.

And in the process rather than gain self-actualisation instead we suffered guilt, pain, shame, and even self-loathing.

We may have tried “everything” to appease people’s demands in order “to be loved”. We may have tried everything to fix all of the problems “to be loved”, we may have even sold out our soul, our dignity and our health in order “to be loved”.

It didn’t work. Not for us, OR for them.

Hopefully we have realised that no-one can grant us the love and worthiness that we are not granting ourselves no matter how much we jump up and down trying to earn it.

Naturally, if we have been brought up with familial, societal and global beliefs of requirement, punishment and being damned to oblivion if not doing what is required for others to love and accept us, we are also going to adopt a very conditional model of loving ourselves.

This makes it incredibly difficult to not beat ourselves up and blame and shame ourselves when times are tough or when life is not working out the way we demanded of ourselves it needed to, in order to feel worthy.

So of course … why wouldn’t we try to run away from ourselves to find someone “loving” to help when all we get from ourselves is damnation, accusations, criticism and nasty low blows?

Where did we learn to talk to ourselves like that?

Look around you at the world!

And then we are in total despair when we find “Damning, accusing, criticism and nasty low blows” from other people.

Why does this happen to us? For one reason only – because that is the template of our life being generated from the painful separation we have with ourselves.

Some people asked on the Facebook Post how to forgive ourselves, and not be horrified about our patterns, and also why don’t we stop our co-dependent behaviour no matter how hard we try to?

The truth is we can NEVER blame, shame, abuse and criticise ourselves into wellbeing, and new healthy behaviours.

This is another disastrous model our world has perpetuated. The Catholic Church’s take on “the shamefulness of sex” is a prime example.

What happens when we beat ourselves up about being overweight? We go to the fridge for a thicker slice of chocolate cake.

What happens we are hard on ourselves about being co-dependent and watch ourselves like a hawk? We find ourselves doing theses co-dependent behaviours even more compulsively.

What happens when we think we are “bad”, “defective” “not good enough” “unlovable” or “inadequate” … we do all the things that prove ourselves to be right!

This is the one and only reason you keep doing what you don’t want to do! You are hurting yourself with conditional love, and because your Inner Being KNOWS this is NOT love you feel rejected, abandoned and unloved by yourself, and so naturally you are going to go for the “addiction” or “quick fix” that you compulsively grab to try to numb out the emotional pain of that.

This is the VERY crux or the ridiculous perpetuated illusion. “If you are told you are loveable and worthy you will NOT do the right thing!”

THAT is the blasphemy!

How on earth would people who feel whole, loved, worthy and approved of behave?

Like whole, loving, healthy people … that’s how!!!

How would they relate to others?

Lovingly and healthily …

What would they recognise in and generate with others?

Love and wholeness!

Truly as I shake my head at the horrific hypocrisy of what we have been taught for centuries – I rest my case …

A five year old knows this OBVIOUS truth more than the so called “grown-ups” on our planet!

Until we learn TRUE unconditional love – which is “I 100% unconditionally love and accept EVERY part of me, including all my defects” – we have no hope of integrating into wholeness. And there is no way we can truly love others or accept true love from others either.

It ALL starts with self first …

How do we heal the destruction of “conditional love” which has been a huge force creating both co-dependents and narcissists.

Give it up – that’s how.

Stop thinking our life is based on “conditions” in order for us to feel whole and good, and for goodness sake we have to give up the insane belief “I can only love myself when I get, do, have, achieve …” because you will never, ever get there.

There is only ever the moment of now – that is where our power lies, or not – and we will never be “love” living by conditions that only create more shame, blame, unworthiness and defectiveness (separation from Self).

Do you understand?

You need to do all that you can to love and accept yourself RIGHT NOW. That is your biggest mission that starts to sort out your entire life.

We also have the massive issue of accepting “what is” right now …

Often we are in deep regret and self-recrimination. “I wish that never happened. I wish I didn’t do that, and I wish I did it better.”

That is resistance to “what is”. That is not seeing the gift and the bigger picture of what happened to you, and it means you are not evolving … you are dissolving.

There comes a time when we need to accept that what happened was meant to happen. In fact we needed it to happen in order to evolve.

When we are stuck in “conditional living” and all the other manic human ideas that keep the pain going – we think that life is just about “getting stuff to feel good”, we don’t realise that feeling good is our innate organic coded natural state when we lose the pain of separation and all of the insane illusions.

If you are still in regret and still beating yourself or others up, you have not yet got the gift of the lesson; you haven’t taken the opportunity of development seriously.

You have not realised that the greatest joy, desire and freedom that YOU want with all your heart is your own evolution. Because then FINALLY you will know in every cell of your body that you just ARE love, joy, worthiness and freedom without conditions.

That is what being FREE in life means. Then stuff, things and achievements are simply generated by an outpour of more joy and inspiration. No longer are they a futile attempt of trying to fill a hole of emptiness and pain – they are simply more Creation.

As you can imagine the Creation part gets so much easier – because it is NOT conditional.

Truly we can’t heal and progress until we accept “what is”. For me, and I know this is the way through, it is about accepting “This happened to expose my unhealed parts so that I could heal and FINALLY be free of them” …

It is the pure acceptance – “There are no mistakes here, and I need to forgive myself, forgive life, forgive God and all the players involved and accept it as a blessing in my life.” (which it truly is).

And … “What I think I have lost is NOTHING compared to the Life, Self and Truth I will gain … I am going to gain my True Self, my True Connection and my True Life. What an incredible gift to come inside and start aligning with this!”

Then (this is the best part) – emotional beingness, states of self, and opportunities open up in spectacular ways – things that you could NEVER have accessed previously.

So … what brought me personally to that level of acceptance, and why do I stand for it so much with others within the topic “narcissistic abuse” that is SO fraught with victimisation world-wide?

Because I researched scientific facts; I understood pure and simple Quantum Physics – knowing that whatever emotional state I decided to be in caused chemical reactions and brain neuro pathways that formed my perceptions of the world, created how I showed up in the world, and determined who I would attract in the world.

Naturally it is not just about “deciding” to stop victim perceptions (maybe some incredible people can flick a switch – I couldn’t), so for me it was the knowing that “acceptance of the gift” was the state I needed to reach for, and I had to do all I could to purge my body’s traumas of victimisation to organically be it – without the struggle.

It worked ..

Then I became grateful beyond measure that it all played out the way it did, and I mean that genuinely … there is nothing I would change because all of it was “perfect” given what my soul wanted me to evolve towards and the joy that comes from that.

The same is for all of us, regardless of “how” the circumstances look.

So I really want to say to you – if you are still in regret and blaming yourself, or being hard on yourself for repeat slips … look at it differently. Know you could not possibly have had the tools and wisdom before this happened, you just didn’t have them and your old models may not have helped you embody these tools because they were unconscious too, as were their parents and so on and so forth.

What we all need to do is realise we are living in exciting times – we are right at the leading edge of WAKING UP – we are at the tipping point and we can all be a part of this Universal Shift Back To The Truth if we drop the regret and embrace what happened in order to “get that” with both hands, and be really grateful for it.

Can you imagine how special it is at a soul level to choose to be here at this time – choose to meet our wounds full on, and choose to help the awakening of consciousness that is so desperately needed for humankind – which includes or children and our children’s children.

The buck CAN stop here.

There is no mistake that you are participating in this awakening.

We are ALL powerful teachers and healers – so the real question is: “What are we teaching, and what are we healing?

 

How Fear of Co-dependency Makes New Relationships Difficult

A Facebook Member wanted this topic to be a discussion, and it is a very good topic to discuss!

In regards to forming a new love relationship (and relationships in general) we may be terrified of attracting an abuser. We may be fearful of falling back into our old patterns of ignoring our internal uncomfortable feelings, not speaking up, handing over our power, losing ourselves and becoming totally hooked and dependent on someone again.

All of this is accentuated if we are still in the belief “I need someone other than me to survive, be loved, and feel worthy”… (and this may just be subconscious).

But what if we were to take on the orientation “The most important thing in my life is the self-development of my relationship with the True Source?”

And what if we welcomed the development opportunity to speak our truth, show up differently and become the most authentic person we could be non-dependent on others having to confirm that we are lovable and worthy?

Would this mean being a horrible person?

No! it would mean that you are going to be lovingly honest, you will explain how you feel instead of projecting it onto someone, and you will become a generator of a life aligned with your Inner Being.

In effect you will start generating a life that reflects back to you “healthy self-respect” and you will easily detach from people who try to manipulate you out of that healthy self-respect knowing there is plentiful healthy resources available between You and Life … because there is!

Is a very happy day when you show up authentically and observe someone not authentic WITHOUT The emotional triggers of pain of “loss”, “despair” or “emptiness” knowing in no way does this person need to be “anything” to make you happy. If they are not your reality, bless them, have compassion that they are not “awake” yet and move on.

Naturally, you have got to drop deeply inside, self-partner and investigate, claim and release the fears that are holding you back from new relationships (which includes many others not just love relationships) so that you CAN show up open-hearted, in your power and know if someone has no desire or resources to join with you at this high level of authenticity, that it’s perfectly okay and you are still you regardless.

You also know that you will not be so hungry and needy that you will throw yourself in off the deep end to try to escape the inner pain. You will take your time to get to know people sensibly before bearing your soul, home, body, life and money.

You can remain solid within all the way – blessing everything that turns up in “relationship” knowing your soul, and Source / Life / God is orchestrating everything you need to grant you the vital feedback to evolve yourself.

If a “bad” person turns up and it triggers emotional distress we can ask ourselves “What parts of myself still believe I’m bad?”, and “What fears do I carry about being taken in by bad people?” and “What parts of me have not yet realised that the powerful light of my own authenticity sourcing directly from Source dissolves all darkness?”

Keep checking in to why you are pursuing (or not pursuing) new relationships. Is it to grown and experience more of your truest and highest potential, or is it to try to fill a void of the pain of feeling unloveable and unworthy?

If it is to fill a void, then there is still the necessary development between You and Source that no one else can fill as a false substitute.

So … I hope all of this passionate and deep account has helped you understand the truth of Co-dependency.

Next week in Part 2 I will be discussing the following topics – Can we heal from Co-dependency? How can people have power over us when we know logically better? Can we go empty and let go to ultimately get it all? How can we move through co-dependency to independence to interdependence? And the biggest trap of co-dependency, and how our inner wounds hook us … and so much more.

Okay back to this article …

One of the biggest healing steps of co-dependency is the bringing of our shadows (self-rejection) out into the light – exposing the parts of ourselves we normally turn away from.

So I would love YOU to be a part of this essential movement, by answering the co-dependent checklist above and sharing your score. And please write about anything and everything else you would like to say about your personal journey with co-dependence.

This creates a powerful healing container not just for you, but for everyone who will read this article.

Because We Are All One …

I look forward to sharing this journey with you and answering any questions or comments that you have.

And please, please, please share this article widely, especially where victimisation is taking place, so that you can help our World wake up to the Truth.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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27 Thoughts on 2014 Co-dependency Check Up
  • magmar311@gmail.com'
    Marla
    December 4, 2014

    Loved this show & can’t wait for the next one. I did the test again and did about 50/50 on both lists. Worse than where I was a year ago? (and I’ve been working on myself) I am learning so much, and now know what more I need to work on. Thanks Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2014

      Hi Marla,

      Remember not to be hard on yourself. Pour love into the “parts” that need developing and be with them and help them evolve.

      And they will!

      You are so welcome Marla!

      Mel xo

      • Juliet.macbeth@yahoo.com'
        Mb miller
        December 5, 2014

        After 16 years I filed for a separation. He has been doing crazy things. He even pretended to call the police on me last night. He is manipulating my children. I have a good lawyer but I feel like I’m fighting for my freedom. The lies are incredible. He said he was going to tell everyone all about me. He calls me sick and then he will be nice. He said I need him to get well. I need a lot of prayer right now. I teach K and I actually love to go to work as an escape. I am not even on his bank account so I don’t have any money. I only work part-time because he asked me to stay home this year so I quit my full-time job. I found match.com on our computer and he blamed his mother! I said, “wow was she on your iPad too?” He is now telling my family I am not doing right in the eyes of God. Divorce is a sin. My lawyer has asked me to be strong because I filed six years ago and then backed down when he begged me to stay. I need help.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 5, 2014

          Hi MB Miller,

          Are you working with NARP?

          It is at our times of greatest distress that we need to realise that tending to our emotional state is the most important thing we can ever do.

          What is happening now is “what is going down” is triggering within you your youngest, most vulnerable fears about survival – and that’s what you need to address and shift out of your body. Then you will get through this from a much more solid inner platform.

          That is the greatest help you can do … truly.

          Mel xo

      • bcuerden@gmail.com'
        becca
        December 6, 2014

        I just wanted to say to MB- when I had the separation papers served on my x, he did call the police on me! So, you remind me of where I was 2 years ago. He started to act so crazy he ended up in the Psych unit a couple of times. In order for my son to finish highschool, and to get out of the craziness, I had to leave my beautiful home. And Mel is of course completely right. Survival fears kick in with a vengeance, plus shock, plus PTSD nightmares. I found the NARP program 3 months after moving out and I can say truly it changed my life. Completely. Night and Day. Once you drop the bag of crap you’ve been taught to hold onto, life starts sending you beautiful things. It’s taken me two years, but I am free. My son is amazing. I have a job I never even could have imagined back then. The shower of shit has been replaced with a shower of wonder. Really- I still can hardly believe it. BUT the price tag was working my butt off in the NARP program. Bill Eddy’s book “Splitting” was also amazing help getting through the legal process. Joe Dispenza’s book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” was my bible for awhile, and chump lady.com a backup of Chump Nation. I wish you all the best. Hang in there MB. We have all been where you are.

  • cmerzeder@me.com'
    Christine
    December 4, 2014

    I did the co-dependency test some two years ago and my score was 50/50. Now I am down to two items I am still working on, I could not believe my eyes. Thanks for re-posting the test, it is a great reminder of how we can track our progress. I have never understood the depth of the questions until today, I really “get it” that I have made so much progress. I am very grateful.
    Mel, your blog articles become more and more rich, concise, stringent, precise, fun to read and eminently true and focused! They should all go into a book, with little need for editing, as a collection of texts which can be so helpful for many without having to search through “old” blogposts. Similar to what this guy did: http://1000awesomethings.com/book/
    It would have the potential for a best-seller!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2014

      Hi Christine,

      that is wonderful you know and feel so much gratitude, and have really anchored within your body of the truth of all of this!

      Thank you for your lovely comments, and movements regarding a book are underway!

      Very exciting times!

      Mel xo

  • noorwinckel@gmail.com'
    Leonore
    December 4, 2014

    Dear Mel

    Thanks so much for yet another great article! Impeccable timing as always. I have just started on Module 3 of the Empowered Self course, which is all about releasing your co-dependence.
    After finishing the NARC program about a year ago, I really feel that I am ready now for the next big steps in my development to becoming my true self. It feels so good to learn to trust myself and stop criticizing myself all the time. Like you said yourself, I too can now genuinely see and feel that I had to travel the road that I did, which left me emotionally and physically crippled and devastated. I was so co-dependent before, that I had a positive score on almost all of the statements in the list. Now, I only still struggle with a few points, mainly ‘giving’ myself away too much (tending to the needs of others and ignoring my own) and feeling guilty for spending time just for me. I am sure more points will come up for me as I am doing the Empowered Self course and in life in general, but I can now recognize my painful emotions as messengers letting me know that I have to heal and up-level a particular negative belief or fear. Thanks to NARP and the Empowered Self course, I am now absolutely confident and determined to do just that and create the most wonderful and loving life for myself, my son and everyone that I love around me!

    Thanks for your continuing support Mel! XO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2014

      Hi Leonore,

      you are so welcome!

      How beautiful that you are feeling the benefits of loving self-partnering!

      I agree the difference when our self-talk becomes supportive is like getting out of prison! There is no comparison!

      I love how you have shared so honestly here, and ironic that these points are the ones I need to evolve and heal more as well!

      Awww I love the passion and truth of what you are creating your life as now!

      Beautiful stuff Leonore 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ltdmtl@msn.com'
    Mark
    December 5, 2014

    Profound and inspiring. I love the way this is eloquently but simply stated. I said I love you in the mirror for the first time ever. Thank you for sharing and carrying the message.

    Be Blessed,
    Mark

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2014

      Hi Mark,

      what you have written has touched my heart profoundly.

      I feel blessed that I could co-generate that event with you.

      It is a day of great celebration for this blog that you posted that declaration of your first ever self-love.

      I find that incredibly profound.

      Thank you for sharing!

      Mel xo

  • louise.portalfred@gmail.com'
    louise
    December 5, 2014

    I want everyone to be more dependable, worthy and honest. I pretend they are that way and so I give myself and my power away. Because they are not capable of interdependence. They are only capable of independence. They will take my vulnerability and use it. They will take my invitation to interdependence and exploit it. Why do I do this over and over again? When will I ever learn? How can I become strong enough to resist the lure? I don’t buy what they are selling. I never did. But do I say so? No. I pretend. Why, oh why? Obviously, or not, I don’t see myself as being dependable, worthy and honest, or I wouldn’t be attracting these people, right? To tell you the truth they make me want to vomit.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2014

      Hi Louise,

      pretence is not authentic, and it doesn’t generate authentic results.

      The greatest part of giving our power away is having the focus on others to provide the life and wellbeing we are not providing for ourselves, and we are not generating with others.

      You go into relationships with the beliefs “These people don’t have the resources to be loving” so naturally you are going to attract people like this, and also show up in ways that people who may be capable of loving are going to be turned off by …

      Suspicion and funky emotions and ways of being that don’t feel wholesome, connected or safe for people (regardless of what you are trying to “pretend”).

      The truth of your issue is not in other people, it never is for any of us. And the futileness is accentuated when we think it is – because HOW on earth can we change them??

      We can’t.

      The truth of your issue is in you – and the REAL belief that is causing you the core of all of this is not “other people can’t be trusted to be dependable” (that’s just the symptom), it really is “I am not worth loving or being committed to”.

      This is your “story” – this is what you have believed and experienced more than likely for many years.

      Until you get vulnerable and loving with that and want to take the full personal responsibility to heal it, “others” will always seem to be the problem.

      When you have healed that inner relationship with you, then you will show up authentically as a much more “whole” self and BE loving and honest about who you are and what you need, as well as invite others to do the same with you (true inter-dependency).

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • carol.artlife@gmail.com'
    Carol
    December 5, 2014

    Gosh – A little bit of synchronicity reading this article Melanie and central to my continuing recovery. My co-dependency, even one year ago, was so normal to my life, that I really thought it was my life. I cannot believe that I now feel so different and even though it’s still hard to speak up for myself, I feel I am clearing it out of my system. This has meant leaving certain relationships or radically altering the way I am in them. I used to relate to nearly all of the items on the checklist – now about 25%. Some exist in my relating to only some people and not others. Every day now I realise that everything is to do with my relationship to me, reflected outwards. If I allow abuse, it is me abusing me. Learning unconditional love and self respect/self responsibility has been the key for my healing. A work in progress! Thanks heaps again Melanie xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2014

      Hi Carol,

      that’s great this article was timely for you!

      Wonderful that you have been so focused on your development and seeing real results.

      It is so true, everything relates to our own relationship with self. Thank you so much for your post, and keep going and doing what you are doing. Inspiring work!!

      Mel xo

  • norakoenig@ymail.com'
    Norah
    December 8, 2014

    I’m currently seeing a guy who has so much to do and so little time for me. I called him out on it yesterday and have not heard from him since, 27 hours ago. I’m anxious, hurt, crying, hoping… and a good friend told me she has been reading your work and thought I should check it out. This article defines me. I’ve known it for a long time. I know that I need to work on me, be comfortable with me. I’m 46 years old and have been in many failed relationships. I still find myself looking to someone else for validation. I feel I need someone to care for and to take care of me in order to feel I’m valuable. My history has hurt many around me and I’m at a point that I feel men can’t trust me because of the history. Sometimes I wonder if I can trust myself.

    Checklist = 15. Some of my “yes” answers are in some areas of my life but not in others.

    I finally feel that I have a place to start, some direction, someone to help me help myself. My hope is to see myself as worthy someday.

    Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 8, 2014

      Hi Norah,

      that is wonderful that you have found your way to this community.

      This is a great credit to you that you are applying so much self-honesty, and it’s powerful that you have decided to put the work into you.

      Big hugs and healing Nora – it is your time truly.

      I am so glad my information can help.

      Mel xo

  • yvette.hadj@gmail.com'
    Eve
    December 8, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    It’s great to look back at the list that I first looked at early last year.
    Back then I answered ‘yes’ to all of the co-dependency points.
    Now it would be a ‘sometimes’ to one or two points.
    It’s hard to remember the person i was back then (thinking that life was happening to me from the outside)…. it feels far apart from who I am now.

    Thanks Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 9, 2014

      Hi Eve,

      that is fantastic that you have come so far – and the only reason we ever do is because of taking on the effort to “self-developing” – so great job Eve!

      Yay! I am so happy for you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kellywaynehughes@yahoo.com'
    StrongerEveryDay
    December 9, 2014

    Working on my co-dependency issues has become a big part of my NARP healing. So this was enlightening.

    Everything on that checklist described me. But I especially noticed:

    >Do you often analyse other people’s lives?

    I do. And I want to stop doing that.

    I think it’s a distraction from simply deciding whether I like this person’s behavior. And whether I want further interaction with them. Wouldn’t life be better if we could just make swift decisions based on a healthy self-respect? And not prolong the agony by analyzing others when we should just get on with things, and take care of ourselves.

    So if I catch myself analyzing others, I’m going to start using that as a red flag. And decide right then and there if this person is doing something that I don’t like. And if so, minimize the damage by moving on. And not let them occupy any more of my thoughts. Which will free me to concentrate on people and situations that actually do nourish and delight me.

    🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 9, 2014

      Hi StrongerEveryDay (I love this “name”!!)

      It’s great when we do feel a real “ohhh that one relates” because there is so much growth in up-levelling that!

      As a suggestion feel into WHY this is happening. In the Goal Setting Module in NARP you can set up “I am a source of generation to myself non-dependent on what is going on for others”, and then feel into the blocks and resistance and shift it.

      Shifting “the reason” is always so much more powerful that trying to deal with the trigger, because effectively you can shift past this and then it simply won’t exist anymore.

      As a clue, when you drop in there and find the young, powerless wounds associated – it will be something like “If I can’t work out others I can’t be safe” …

      After shifting this you will show up as an authentic generator and what “is not that” will be perfectly obvious, or will dissolve , leave or up-level to match your authentic True Self.

      Does this make sense?

      Then if this is still playing out for you – the anxiety of “needing to work out others” – you know there is still a wound (or some) in there that you haven’t up-levelled yet.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • kellywaynehughes@yahoo.com'
        StrongerEveryDay
        December 10, 2014

        This helps a lot, Mel.

        I needed this reminder to go back to the wound. And shift it. It’s a bit scary to revisit the past. To feel childhood pain again. But it’s even worse to leave these wounds unhealed. And to let them hold us back and live such a limited life.

        As a child of divorce, with an abusive father who repeatedly and cruelly cheated on my mother while they were still married, it’s no surprise that I was in survival mode for much of that time. But I think it was the secrecy. Not fully knowing the things that were affecting my fate. So maybe I could use a statement like this in the goal setting module:

        “I feel secure without knowing everyone else’s plans and motivations.”

        I feel like I’ve made much progress. But reviewing your checklist reminds me I still have a long way to go. So I’m going to dedicate myself to finding the original wounds. And embracing these shifts to a healed place.

  • winnie.ramsey@live.dk'
    Winnie Ramsey
    December 9, 2014

    Dear Melanie
    Have slowly digested this so valuable article – and wanted to say thank you for all your hard work. The topic about conditional love really HIT HOME – all my life I have struggled with this – and now I have something to work on that I was stumblering over – know it is there – but now it is so much clearer. You are amazing knowing all this in so much detail. Loved what you wrote about bringing up children.
    Have a wonderful day – and thank you.
    Much affection to you from me.
    Winnie

  • Barbarabailey2003@yahoo.com'
    Barbara
    December 13, 2014

    Thank you so much Melanie! I am grateful for your articles, they have helped me sort out truth from illusion. The experience of being involved in a unhealthy relationship has left me feeling like my emotions are murky. It’s like going through your house that has been ambushed and you are sorting through things. Is this mine, does this belong to someone else, do I need this anymore? Do I need to throw this away? I went through the co-dependency checklist today. Happy to see what has change for the better over time and happy to know what I will be working on.
    Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
    No. No only a little time. It use to be a lot.
    Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
    No
    Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
    No use to.
    Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
    No
    Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
    No
    Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
    No I use to. Sometimes when the children were too noisy.
    When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
    Yes
    Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
    At times
    Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
    No
    Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
    Yes they have. I’ve gotten a lot better at not taking their mood personal. Or internalizing there emotions.
    Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
    Yes
    Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
    At times, when looking for clarity
    Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
    At times
    Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
    I have
    Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
    Yes
    Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
    Only with one person, but I’m getting better at saying no.
    Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
    I do struggle to listen to my own feelings, but I do not go along with other peoples feelings either.
    Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
    Not anymore
    Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
    Yes, learning to let go. Especially when it comes to those close to me. My children and their father
    Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
    Not anymore, it’s exhausting, it’s draining and it similar to dropping money down the sink.
    Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
    Yes
    Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?
    I’ve gotten to the point where I let go that someone outside of me will provide create my own happiness. I know that I need to generate that within me, let go of the disappointments, but have not taken charge of my own life to create my own happiness. Too busy putting my families needs before my own. At times consumed with feelings of depression, sadness, PTSD and anxiety.

  • ewinsor@ymail.com'
    Liz
    December 25, 2014

    Thank you so much for this healing article.

    I get confused about conditional love. When I think of my Narc, I feel a contradictory love – that I love him, I see his wound and I want him to heal it so I can feel trust, and feel comfortable and safe loving him. Is this not conditional love on my part? And yet I want him to love me unconditionally despite my own wounds and my struggles to heal them. Is it fair for me to wish for his love of me in all my flaws when I wish so badly for him to change? I do find this very confusing…

  • clgrl89@yahoo.com'
    Julia
    December 29, 2014

    I stumbled across your podcast and am making my way though them. I am a recovering Codependant. I would love for you to do a segment on Codependant women (friend, sister, or mother).

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    December 30, 2014

    I am still working on my 2015 goal list. It is sure difficult.
    After reading many of your articles, I realized that I had emotional wounds that I unconsciously did not know I had when I met my Narcissist. So when we dated, hooked up and fell in love, was my emotional wounds similar to his…as in the past, I said to him: “you’re a mirror of myself.”
    If in fact, our wounds were similar and were not getting addressed, would that explain why we had so many fights and power struggles? It appears that I dealt with my issues in a codependant manner, while he used manipulation and control to get what he wanted.
    As I got stronger and more aware of the narcisstic relationship I was in, I ended it. Your blog articles helped me deal with the rements of the craziness I experienced. Now, because of your help, I am learning to partner myself. Thank you. I have come a long way on this journey and I have a lot of gratitude to you for helping me and others get better. BTW, the exN has had many short term relationships in which the women have been similar to me, but have had addiction and abuse issues. WOW…

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