Thank you, I had said to my partner more times than I can count… you are in survival mode… Fight mode… surviving isn’t living, I want to live, I outgrew merely surviving years ago… sadly I realize we were both hoping our relationship would catapult us toward living significant lives… something we both wanted but both failed at miserably, especially in our partnership. I really appreciate this input it helped put things into perspective.

I have shared a lot of this with her, in hopes that she can have more knowledge than I had at her age & a better chance at fullness earlier on.

I’m crossing my fingers for the drawing. I really want o try your program…but cannot afford it..

Also, loving everyone responses. Thanks to all for sharing!!!

How did you go with identifying your boundary malfunctions? Were you able to tap into the reasons for your pain and fear and why you have handed your power over at these times?

Boundaries are one of he harder things for me as I second guess myself. I was aside with parents with horrible boundaries. In my childhood setting boundaries , angered people an their disproval and rejection was clear and scary. I was in an early relationship that was emotionally business and it was not until I was out of it that I started practicing boundaries ( still not perfected). In my most recent relationship with N my boundaries were improved. I had more issues here with ” letting things go” i should have questioned more and later finding out I had been manipulated, lied to and cheated on. The lies we’re so well crafted and I was o in love that I did not see them. So still need work on boundaries 😉

Exercise Two:

How did you feel about writing out what you will not accept in your life anymore?

I think that this is a wonderful exercise. I am not apply that I am in this situation of having been betrayed but am thankful for what I am learning looking back in retrospect that I ” should have seen” and or what I gained in the relationship.

Exercise Three:

When you reframed your boundary malfunctions regarding what you can do now in order to say ‘No’, did this feel empowering to you, or do you still feel this may be a struggle at times in your life?

I really liked your ways to say no and am definitely going o use them NPD share them with my daughter.

Hi Living THe Dream,

you are very welcome – and you have posed some very good questions here…

Truly there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ other than what feels right – and feels like it is serving you – as opposed to it is not serving you.

And for different people this may be a different expereince. For example for me…allowing someone absuive to be in my space and not having defined it is not my reality and being present for that – for me ‘feels wrong’…everything in my emotional resonance would be affected by that. Signalling to me – ‘this is not healthy for me’…and of course there are levels of abuse that I am clear about – as to what abuse is…for example someone having a bad day and being agitated – that’s fine my vibration does not have to get dragged down or affected. Someone having a bad day and projecting something at me, ‘dumpmastering’ rather than taking responsibility – and / or pathological lying (as another example) absolutely Not My Reality – and I am clear a firm boundary or my withdrawal if not honoured and a detachment of my presence (temporarily and ultimately permanently) is what honouring myself means..as per listening to my emotional frequency and being very aware of ‘what is true for me’ and ‘what is not true for me’.

And in no way is this a ‘judgement’ of it shouldn’t be this – the truth is ‘it is what it is’ I have no need for someone else to change who they are – an dthey are more than welcome to living their life by their own model – but I can certainly choose to live ‘Who I Am’…that is discernment – not judgement.

Judgement is what I used to do before awareness and healing. ‘You are wrong and I will make you be my version of ‘right’

My process now for me is ‘knowing’ and my own act to myself of self-love (rather than allowing narc abuse) – it is as a result of realising what my body (emotions) have been telling me all along (which I didn’t listen to for decades) – so it is not a ‘thinking’ thing – it’s simply an establishment of what I will and won’t live with in my life.

I truly believe pain is inevitable and I believe suffering is optional and needless.
We grow through pain, the realisation that the pain is a signal to embrace it and make the changes within us that are causing us to suffer (due to unhealed wounds / faulty beliefs etc)..and if we ignore the pain, reject the healing opportunity and / or project it out at someone else, or run from it then it becomes prolonged suffering – the pain keeps coming and coming until we ‘get the message’..

And if we don’t we are looking at a life time of suffering.

So no I do not endorse that suffering is necessary – and I certainly don’t see how if we are stuck in suffering how we can benefit ourselves, others and life in win / win ways…

Suffering loves company – it only helps keep others in suffering.

True compassion to me is showing by exmaple there is another way – a way to create joy and alleviate suffering.

I don’t like the mental filter to incorporate new changes – because I believe the mind will always struggle to break away from the deep Inner Identity programs that are really running the show – that is why I love doing processes that shift the ‘being’ at a much deeper level than the ‘mind’.

Then the mind does not have to keep struggling and be employed constantly – we become ‘knowing’ rather than trying to maintain a state simply through continual ‘thinking’ – which never works!

The ‘decision’ in the mind is simply a direction which then committing to deep inner processes creates as a way of ‘being’.

Then it is not ‘fake it till you make it’ – it becomes an integral part of who you are…and of course the courage to ‘do’ differently in real time – which in a sense is ‘faking it till you make it’may be a part of this as well until the new changes do become ‘second nature’.

Great questions and I hope this helps!

Mel xo

Thank you for your insights. A few questions come alive when I read.

“It is also important to understand that if we aren’t able to be solid and clear about ‘what is no longer our reality’ because we feel like it is a ‘judgement’ that it is going to be hard to walk self-truth at these times.”

The shape of it here is that walking in self-truth for me means being present to what is rather than laying down my mentally generated agenda as to what truth is. Walking in self-truth means that I am fully present to what arrives in my experience, in my body, in my cells. Not mentally telling myself what I think it should be and then seeing if reality is conforming to that.

When I approach things like that I am reminded of your great article I read when I first discovered the site about why need thinking to change, “We know we aren’t going to be free until we can evict the thoughts of the narcissist and what he or she did to us from our mind – once and for all.

The problem is that the natural human response to evict these thoughts is….. to do more thinking!

This is incredibly ironic because we are trying to get off this particular bus, yet we end up putting our foot down and driving harder!

You can NOT stop thinking by doing more thinking.

Your mind is the enemy keeping you in pain and torment.

Moving on requires being able to move past your mind and heal.

If you don’t, your mind is going to keep battering you.”

I don’t know how to reconcile that what it feels like for me to write it out, predecide what reality will be (control?) etc is like THINKING….which itself is part of the problem. So, having a sense inside of what I will or won’t accept, trusting in the moment that I will be supported in the most beneficial response for all beings for me is walking in self-truth.

“Definetely the bigger picture version of God is not about accepting suffering, it is that God (Life) honours what we decide to honour about ourself.” Also is confusing to me deeply, because absolutely in my cultural exposure to the greatest wisdom traditions all of the ancient teachers Buddha, Jesus, Zen have infact said that it is about accepting suffering. That infact the cause of suffering is resistance to it. We are to admit it’s truth and then allow that to open our hearts, to be the cause for compassion, to love our brother and each other and ourselves. Accept suffering and grace and help each other.

This idea that we are causing suffering to ourselves and God is just satisfying our having placed an order for pain because we don’t honor ourselves…how can I feel it is true when it doesn’t feel true?

How do I integrate honoring what is with full presence (being) feeling that IS the self-truth and generating my own ideas through my mind (thinking) and then approaching everything through this mental filter that I have to constantly hold in place?

And my subconscious mind is constantly sending out it’s own prompts that are way stronger and informing my experience more than any list I have written from my mind? Self truth for me means also being aware of those firing off and being as responsible as I possibly can for my choosing in the moment. As well as welcoming those into awareness each time they arise.

I am challenged to feel the energy in writing just from a mental idea truly has the power to create. It seems like boundaries come from what is true deep inside of me. Is the list like “Fake it until you make it”?

Thank you so much for your help. These questions spring from deep inside around whether there is a difference between empowerment and wisdom? And seem to be at the core.

Not only a wound blocking some realization, but deep questions about what living self-truth is.

Peace all.

Hi Living The Dream,

It is really good that you were able to feel the resistance, and know where it came from.

It is also important to understand that if we aren’t able to be solid and clear about ‘what is no longer our reality’ because we feel like it is a ‘judgement’ that it is going to be hard to walk self-truth at these times.

Definetely the bigger picture version of God is not about accepting suffering, it is that God (Life) honours what we decide to honour about ourself.

It’s great that you went into the triggered times (which is always a signal of boundary violation and struggling to not let that occur) and that you can feel into the reframes for these times.

It is always wonderful to challange our comfort zones and grow, and you are doing a really good job with this 🙂

Mel xo

Hi Andara,

Again these inner fears are identical for so many people, and it is great that you were able to claim these inner wounds. Fantastic that you see ‘where they came from’.

Very good that exercise 2 felt so confirming and empowering for you – and that you were able to get very clear with this 🙂

Please know the more and more inner healing that you do on these ‘gaps’ absolutely it will become a solid part of you – that just IS! And you will know your worth and value and not hand it over again. That’s wonderful that you now know you deserve to have boundaries and honour yourself!

You are so welcome Andara, and I so happy that you have committed to and enjoyed these 30 days! 🙂

Mel xo