Welcome to the final installment of the 30 Days To Empowered Self!
Boundaries are vital. We have all been taught that it is fundamental to look after our houses, cars and bank accounts. But how many people were taught how to protect their emotional self?
The truth of the matter is: How people treat you and influence you is directly affected by your boundaries.
If we don’t have clearly defined boundaries we will inevitably allow treatment and behaviour in our life which does not serve us. We will look to the outside world for our definition of self – and we will hand our power over to others rather than be our own solid source of self.
When we don’t have healthy boundaries in our life we expect other people to supply them for us. The irony is this: they don’t. In fact the people who we wish to grant us safety and emotional security are the people who are most likely to violate our boundaries. The boundaries that we are failing to create for ourself.
We need to understand that these people are in our life pushing (and maybe even throttling) our boundaries for a very good reason. They are teaching us as per their behaviour to establish and execute our own healthy boundaries – which is a vital part of becoming a healthy source to self.
A simple rule about boundaries is this: Whatever you will tolerate will become a part of your reality.
Unhealthy boundaries and co-dependency is deeply interconnected. As you start establishing clear and defined personal boundaries in your life, you will be able to let go of trying to be someone that other people want you to be, and you will start defining who you wish to be in order to create authentic results and happiness in your life. Then you will see that people in your life become much more supportive, genuine and healthy and work with you in win / win ways.
Through my own experience and observing the growth of many people, I see time and time again just how important boundaries are in relation to claiming your authentic power and achieving your goals.
In fact this is vital, because without effective boundary setting, life will hurt you…and for those who have been narcissistically abused, getting boundary setting right is incredibly important, or you could run the risk of keeping defaulting to your painful and fearful belief systems that have caused you so much pain in the past.
The narcissist was your wake-up call to get all of this sorted – and you certainly don’t want to keep attracting the painful lessons because you haven’t.
In the new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course there are 3 modules specifically dedicated to releasing the fear of laying boundaries, aligning with what you will and won’t accept in your life and becoming an effective boundary setter.
These Modules are backed with specific Quanta Freedom Healings to really get congruent and solid on an Inner Identity level with boundary setting.
Day 1-3 Identifying Your Boundary Malfunctions Exercise
This exercise is very important. As you will have understood by now as a result of working with the 30 Days to Empowered Self Exercises, we really need to inner investigate ourself in order to be able to make the necessary inner changes.
Virtually all people have had difficulty with boundaries. None of us were educated on the importance of boundaries, let alone how to set them, and we did not know the wonderful benefits of them in our life.
We were all conditioned to just believe that good people have good things happen to them. I love the expression that a subscriber posted recently – that this is like expecting a Lion not to eat you because you are vegetarian. He he!
We all need to understand rather than point the finger to the outside and get incensed and devastated by people’ s poor behaviour that we need to take responsibility, take our power back and ask ourself “What is it about myself that is attracting and allowing this abuse and bad behaviour in my life?”
That is what this first exercise is all about…
Our personal boundaries are not anyone else’s job – they are our own, and people were always going to treat us at a level of how effectively we do or don’t respect ourself.
Before you can work on fixing the areas in your life that you struggle to lay boundaries with, you need to identify what is holding you back from setting boundaries.
I want you to go back into your adult life and think of the times where you have been hurt the most by outside influences.
List these events and the people involved and how you did react ineffectively (such as got hooked in, tried to justify yourself, tried to change someone else’s behaviour, didn’t honour yourself and leave, took responsibility for someone else’s poor behaviour by apologising, or reverted to clinging on if threatened with rejection, abandonment, punishment, being replaced etc.)
Please list these events and write about what you DID do that was ineffective…
Then ask yourself ‘What was the fear within myself that stopped me from honouring myself?’ and write whatever comes up for you.
Day 4 What I Will No Longer Accept Exercise
Having limits is the knowing of what you will and won’t accept in your life. We can only have limits if we clearly define our truth and are willing to back it up regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
In personal relationships we need to know what our ‘deal-breakers’ are.
Here is a shortened version of a list that I have firmly in place – after doing a lot of deep inner work on my boundary malfunctions. These were the most severe boundary violations I suffered in narcissistic relationships.
- Pathological lying
- Malicious / vengeful behaviour
- Inappropriate, over-the-top declarations of undying love (love bombing)
- People who smear others
- People who refuse to take personal responsibility for poor behaviour
It’s not hard to come up with our personal list, because these are the things that have come into our life experience which we did tolerate and which have hurt us.
Now it is time for you to decide your reality, and list the things that you will no longer allow to be a part of your reality. Put a lot of effort into this list, make it as long as you like.
Healthy Ways to Say ‘No’
In your everyday life you may experience many times when you are not listening to your emotions and you may say ‘yes’ instead of honouring yourself and saying ‘no’. This may not be necessarily ‘abusive’ situations – although you may find that people are taking advantage of you – because you aren’t saying ‘no’.
For example a next door neighbour may get you to keep picking up her kids from school. Or certain family members have you running errands for them, even though you have your own busy life.
You may not want to hurt their feelings, you may have always struggled with the fear of what people will think of you if you do say ‘no’, or you may have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrificial behaviour is the right thing to do – to give and give until it hurts and then keep giving!
The following list is extremely helpful for you to start realising there are healthy ways to say ‘no’ and honour yourself, in a way that is respectful, and in a way which people will actually appreciate you being up front and direct with them.
It is always awful for people when you become squirmy, indirect, grant false hope or let people down at the last minute because you did say ‘yes’ when you should have said ‘no’, or if you make some false excuse they find out about afterwards, or if you get resentful because YOU allowed this person to use you up when you did not want to comply!
So here are the ways that you can say ‘No’ healthily.
1. I’m not comfortable with that
This is a great way to say ‘no’, because you’re providing emotional honesty by honouring and expressing the truth of what your body is telling you.
2. I have another commitment
It doesn’t matter what the commitment is, it may simply be time with your family, reading a book or having a bath! You have no need to justify or explain what this commitment is! (This is a personal favourite of mine). This technique builds integrity and healthy self-esteem as opposed to lying to get out of something.
3. Something has come up that needs my attention
Don’t feel guilty that you’re letting people down if unexpected things occur that throw your schedule off. It’s ridiculous to offer help when your life requires urgent attention. Know that individuals will find another source of support if you choose not to be available.
4. I’m not qualified for that job
If you don’t feel that you have adequate skills, it’s better to admit your limitations upfront, which if you don’t, could potentially turn into a lose/lose situation.
5. I need to focus on myself/my personal life/my career
You are entitled to focus your energy on any area of your life that you wish to. Don’t feel guilty! It’s a healthy practice to treat your personal time like any other appointment.
6. I know you’ll do a wonderful job
People often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities. Let them know that you have the confidence that they will succeed. You may be empowering them rather than disabling them by making this statement.
7. Not right now, but I can do it later
If you really want to help someone but don’t have time, say so. Offer to help at a later date, and if they can’t wait for you, they’ll find someone else.
Sometimes it’s okay to just say no! Especially if other methods of saying ‘no’ are being argued.
The following is in relation to abuse, unacceptable behaviour and of course narcissistic tactics to project on to you, maim you, hook you in or abuse you.
Establish NO CONTACT – pull away, do not engage, and take care of yourself and create boundaries around yourself. Narcissistic behaviour is NOT acceptable in any shape or form, and any interaction you have, such as trying to prove your innocence, get approval or safety, or change the other person’s behaviour will damage you and continue to damage you.
Day 5-7 Reframing Poor Boundaries With Verbal Strategies
This exercise is about the mapping out of how to turn around your previous times of saying ‘yes’ when you really needed to say ‘no’.
Be very clear that engaging in and being present for abuse to take place is effectively saying ‘yes’ to it…
In this exercise I would like you to work on the times in your life, from the simple everyday frustrating ones which drain your energy, up to the most abusive times in your life when you were damaged by bad behaviour.
Make a list of the situations in your life that you have had difficulty in saying ‘no’ to.
Write out what you would normally say and act out in this situation when you hand over your power, and then below it write how you would reframe this situation using the ‘healthy ways to say no’ list above.
1 Week Left to be Eligble For a Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course
Remember to be eligible to go into the draw for a brand new Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course you must post your progress questions in each of the 4 weeks in the 30 days To Empowered Self.
I will be closing the draw 1 week from now, on Tuesday the 5th of March 11:59PM Australian EST.
So put it in your diary and make sure you finish your progress questions before Wednesday to go into the draw.
The QF Empowered Self Course is a complete training in your growth and spiritual and personal empowerment.
The course thoroughly (and more deeply) covers the topics we touched on during the 30 Days to Empowered Self as well as many more in over 200 pages packed full of information and exercises for you to go through.
Plus 10 hours of Quanta Freedom Healings to transform and align your belief systems and Inner Identity with who you want to be. These healings can be performed as often as required to create yourself on the inside as the authentic being you wish to be.
Some of the things you will learn in the course are:
- How to become solid and whole within without needing anyone’s approval or validation
- The key to creating healthy and respectful relationships
- How to consciously and deliberately choose your thoughts and feelings
- How to unlock the barriers within yourself that have been separating you from your goals and living a fulfilled life experience
- How to unlock your authentic power and attract what you want from life
- How to attract love, support, integrity and truth from the inside out.
- The 5 key steps to being assertive and laying boundaries with confidence
I will be announcing the prizes a couple of dates after the 5th of March when the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course is launched.
Thank you so much everyone for dedicating the time to work on yourself and participating in the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
Working on yourself takes courage, self-honesty and self-dedication. Words honestly cannot describe how proud I am of all of you! I am so happy for you that you have been able to heal and evolve so much!
I am overwhelmed with joy as to how successful this series has been, and I will definitely think about doing more series like this in the future.
Let me know in the comments if another series like this would be something you would like to do in the future, and please remember that I’m always interested in your topic suggestions.
Here are the Progress Questions for you to answer and post this week.
How did you go with identifying your boundary malfunctions? Were you able to tap into the reasons for your pain and fear and why you have handed your power over at these times?
How did you feel about writing out what you will not accept in your life anymore?
When you reframed your boundary malfunctions regarding what you can do now in order to say ‘No’, did this feel empowering to you, or do you still feel this may be a struggle at times in your life?
I look forward to answering your responses soon!
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