Comments on: 6 Ways To Prepare When Going No Contact With A Narcissist

By: Karen Polischuk

Karen Polischuk — Wed, 13 Oct 2021 14:57:37 +0000

Going no-contact is most defiantly the most powerful way to go. With having children, it is another whole set of rules, but same principals.
The smear campaigns have caused great trials within the whole extended family over the past 4 years. It is with great thanks to God, that to date, all the accusations of the Narc’s smear campaign have all come up as a high-conflict divorce with malicious intent.
This Narc, used police/child and family services/tried on the target parent’s family members, but that didn’t fly.
The Narc has totally involved her own family and extended family in her fight with lies/deceit and threats. The Narc’s own mother, who she saw on a regular basis, was unaware of her daughters divorce from the target parent (18 months had passed since the divorce was finalized in court).
The Narc’s mother called me with concerns that her grandchildren would rather stay with her than go home with their mother, but there was no arguing if they knew they were going with their father the next day (Narc’s mother shared with me many untruths (smears) that the Narc had told her about the father (target parent. I responded that much of what the Narc had told her mother was untrue and how the children are acting should conclude that….Narc’s mother agreed, that she phoned me because she said things weren’t adding up).
I had mentioned that I was hoping that things would improve after the divorce, she had no clue of any of the break up details, smear campaigns and constant attacks by her new live in (target parents cousin – that has caused huge rift in extended family…it didn’t have to be that way, but the mother of the cousin (Narc’s new target) – started her own smear campaign on her own family – she is not communicating with any of her 8 siblings (which, at first was very disturbing as we were considered a very close knit family group) really has been a blessing in disguise – that total no-contact has been a bonus and achievable – We had not realized to date, the drama that the one sibling had often caused – she was the youngest and we just accepted I guess).
18 months ago the Narc became pregnant with her Ex’s cousin (Narc’s new target). She has totally involved him into her fight, (Very disparaging comment to the target father when he picks up his children…target parent ignores, but the children are picking it up and upset with new target calling their father down and yelling at him…. that’s how the Narc keep the new target from realizing what is going to be happening to them next).
Not both of them (The Narc and her new target) have moved on to verbal degrading of the father of the children…the target parent of the children. They are telling the children things that are way beyond their years and understanding.
We have had to just take each comment as they come along and try to normalize it for the children at an age appropriate level. Sometimes, it takes a deep breath, and at times some space to regroup and figure out the best way to respond….some of the statements/questions from the children are disturbing to hear.
I think she has used up all that she can possibly say (I know, she will keep drumming up new hurtful lies!). But, the children seem to accept and be content for the time of our respectful explanations, and as they come we will continue to be as respectful as we can.
There seems to be fewer new comments/questions. The all seem much happier, having a safe and truthful environment and their concerns being addressed.
We have never retaliated in any way…going with “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say nothing at all”….the old thumper on Bambi said it best. My mother-in-laws best taught secret.
We are hoping with ….no supply….the Narc will move on to the next target, could be new target or new targets mother. My bet, is on mother first (has new – first grandchild…excellent for manipulation tactics to begin…then splitting of son/mother….his greatest support.
It has not been easy, lots of soul searching, lots of reading on our part, hoping to give the children the best chance we can to normalize their very confusing life.
Suggestion for future presentations – There is not much on dealing with Narc’s and children….the courts (need education and almost a negotiator involved in these court cases – Judges are not always aware, and therefore not understanding in making proper choices for the children’s sake). Some Judges/lawyers (Canada) here still think you can Co-parent with a Narc….so doing the best we can and avoid all unnecessary contact.
Taking the Courses, helped us understand….Even being a nurse, I had heard of Narcissist’s in our day, we called them Egotistic, but it is so much more. The tips, the responses are invaluable. Although taking the high road is difficult, it repayments are so loving.
With God’s Grace and Mercy…..we will forge on in wisdom and humility for the sake of our beloved Children and Grandchildren!

By: Margie

Margie — Tue, 21 Sep 2021 10:07:33 +0000

Melanie – one thing that comes across from the many articles I’ve read from you is how deep was your experience and how you had the courage to get out. This article hits on so many points that it really shook me to the core. I went no contact and it was incredibly freeing. My narc is now using their flying monkeys, though not many because they would have to admit at some level they have lost control and that wouldn’t do at all!!! The narc has outright lied and twisted scenarios so they appear victimized. I feel sorry for them but mostly I have no respect at all for them. I forgave myself first, then forgave them, and walked away. And there is no going back. It would only deepen the “punishment” – how dare I leave? Well, I did, I’m free and I’m safe.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 09:00:44 +0000

In reply to Peter.

Keep detaching and healing Peter,

you are doing great!

Without her getting any energy – it will stop … absolutely.

Sending blessings!

Mel 🙏💞🦋

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 08:58:39 +0000

In reply to Abbie Mason.

Hi Abbie,

my inner Thriver Healing processes are all about breaking the energetic / emotional / psychic connection, which is why it is so powerful and effective.

My greatest recommendation is to check out http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive and http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

I hope that this helps.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

By: Man from California

Man from California — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 03:52:57 +0000

To Abbie Mason, I know I’m posting two in a row here, but I don’t believe I addressed what I meant to regarding your question of “Is what I’m feeling psychically that I’ve internalized them or are they still trying to have contact with my psyche somehow?”

First of all, again, I’m not an expert at this. I have been struggling with her discard of me for many years, and it DOES get better with time, though slowly. I now know that my earlier belief (as you question now) “is she still trying to have contact with my psyche somehow?” is effectively a “trick” on her part, an unwitting one, to be sure. It is a lasting effect of the abuse that has conditioned me/us to think that “what they do” is both (or either of) controlling or effective upon us. It isn’t, and this doesn’t last forever, especially as you are deliberate in your desire to heal and grow.

While it might have been both at one point (especially in the later part of our relationship), it is WE who control ourselves. THEY do not (they CANNOT) control us, and WE cannot control them. This lingering effect is the result of the psychological conditioning we have experienced by their abuse: this is DESIGNED to get us to believe that they actually DO have this sort of power about this. In reality, they do not.

While it may seem, feel, absolutely BE (in your mind) this way at times, please do know: especially if you are separated / No Contact / it is OVER, now, YOU are the captain of your ship. One of the most important lessons is the realization of the trickery of their entrapment. There are physical, chemical, psychological reasons for it seeming (or perhaps being, in your mind) this way during the abuse. But the reality is that your power is yours, not his or hers. It might have been chisled away from you via deception, trickery, guile, manipulation and all else “they” do, but the beauty of what is now your world is that your world is now yours.

It’s OK to say “s/he tricked me,” especially if that is what happened. It’s also OK to say “now that I’ve learned what this is, I will never allow it to happen to me again.” That’s what this is (largely) about.

This is a process. You are healing. Grieve your losses. Live your life far, far more powerfully now. I wish you well.

By: Man from California

Man from California — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 01:32:37 +0000

I’m no expert, finding my own way for the first time, having been “seriously drubbed” (multidimensionally, as I said: emotionally, financially, socially, professionally, with my family, psychologically…) and it has literally taken me several years to find myself back to a stumbling, bumbling “I WILL get through this” sort of stasis. I feel like a boxer who has been punched and have “been down for a nine-count” (out of 10!) for years, much of the whole time thinking to myself “what the FUCK?…what the HELL?…” over and over again.

As I make sense of it, and I realized that my connection was no longer physical (she abandoned me as she ran away with all the money that represented my life’s wealth), my connection remained emotional and even “electronic” as I though I could “watch” her (it was a method of me stalking her, really) via social media. As I realized as/after I (CORRECTLY!) stopped doing this, well, ZOOM UPWARDS went my mental health.

It is what Mel and others say here: ALL of the connections must be broken when you go No Contact. This means energetically, physically, emotionally, audibly, “whispered among and between mutual friends” (about what one might be “up to”), really caring at all. My psychotherapist and I explore what I might feel towards her now, and while a couple of years ago I might have (still) said “intense anger, a sense of betrayal that is beyond what most people know as betrayal…” and so on, these days I would honestly say “I don’t really feel ANYthing towards her, not even pity…” (which lingered at the end of this processing). I’ve said that I wouldn’t even acknowledge her presence in a room if I found myself together with her. The reason being: the person I thought I knew never really existed. She is an imposter, a chameleon, only what she needs to be to present herself as “pretty enough” (or “whatever” enough) to get away with sucking the blood of her victim without seeming as if she is doing so. (But she is absolutely doing so).

I don’t know how to help you “complete” the break-away you need to complete so that your healing continues, but if you are feeling it “has not been enough,” then you ARE paying attention to your wonderful “healthy instincts.” I suggest that you explore whatever healing/spiritual/Melanie-like/psychotherapist-you-trust kinds of methods who can help you “slay the monster for good” that it is going to take to finally kill the beast. You seem to be on the right track, in fact, you are REALLY on the right track for paying attention to “but it doesn’t seem like I’m fully RID of this monster…” so keep paying attention to that. The method to do so will come to you as you continue to seek your best and highest way to find it.

This is so, so, so much a process of exploration and discovery. If you are tuned into Mel and Thriver culture, you are on the right channel. I wish you peace and tranquillity in your process of discovery ahead, as your volition will allow you to find what you seek. Stay on the path!

By: Abbie Mason

Abbie Mason — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 23:28:21 +0000

Would you be able to address how to break contact energetically/psychically and not just physical, audible contact? I find that breaking contact physically has not been enough. Is what I’m feeling psychically that I’ve internalized them or are they still trying to have contact with my psyche somehow?

By: Cocoblue

Cocoblue — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 02:56:04 +0000

In reply to Cocoblue. I’m now being threatened that he will use my 12 year old step to contact me through stepsons iPod . He already used my daughter, his step daughter to get to me but she is strong and most times won’t even tell me he is trying to talk to me through her to protect me.

By: Cocoblue

Cocoblue — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 02:53:00 +0000

In reply to Man from California. Yikes no whispering with mutual friends I didn’t even think about that. No contact process is tough no doubt about it but it does get better after some distance and provide clarity . Hope you are recovering and thriving now.