Comments on: 9 Hoovering Techniques Narcissists Use To Hook You Back In

By: Glenn

Glenn — Sat, 15 Feb 2020 11:49:03 +0000

I am so confused, my ex said her ex was a narcissist, and always said I am a narcissist. I spoke to her ex, after she left me one of the many times, and this time was the day of my best mates funeral, he hung himself, she actually locked my keys in our apartment before she left, I slept on a park bench that night. Anyhow, her the first words her ex said to me were, how much did she take you for. I asked him to give me a run down of there relationship, he did, was like he was describing my relationship with her, fully supporting her money everything, constantly having to take her on holidays like every 6 weeks, weekends anything, if you couldn’t for whatever reason, she’d be mad, but it was never because you couldn’t take her or afford it, no it was how you spoke to her when you said it, also expected to take her out to dinner 4-5 nights a week, the few times we ate at home, I cooked 98% of the time, even tho I worked 8-12 hour days, she rarely did 10 hrs a week, mind you like him, I paid every cent on the holidays, including spending money, actuallly she rarely paid for anything for herself or anything. He like me was constantly accused of perving, couldn’t go to the beach, coffee shops were stressful, walking down the road too. Accused of being on dating sites, and she constantly went thru my laptop and iPad trying to find something on me, and as she couldn’t, I was accused of erasing things, which just didn’t happen. If she’d get something g in her mind, no matter if it were true or not, she’d be mad at me, and could last for days. So I read those points, I know she has read them too, as she used these techniques on me last time I begged her to come back said I was sorry, she left that time as I couldn’t pay for an airfare the day she wanted me too, I was waiting on money, knew I’d be able to a week later, but that wasn’t good enough, so for 2 days it went on, she was mad actually the more I tried for it to just move on. Or said sorry just to stop it, the worse it got, on the second day, she decided to ask me to drive 2 hours away to take her son to the airport, at the same time as another friends funeral was on, so I couldn’t take her son, so we were over, that also is when I told her I’d spoken to her ex, her reaction was, I didn’t really want to break up, but now we have too, as I’d spoken to her ex, oh then she started with he’s a liar and a narc etc etc, I didn’t care about anything he said, apart from what I was experiencing which he also experienced with her, mind you she’d tell me she never experienced a relationship like ours before, which wasn’t true, she was the common denominator here. So back to it, she used these techniques on me, she’d test me as it says, now we went from her expecting me to send her a good morning text every morning saying how wonderfui she was and how lucky I was to have her, I was happy to do it, as I love her so deeply, and I’d have to check in at least every 2 or so hours, if not I’d get texts with WTF and ????, so we went from that to, she got a new number, as when she’d block me when she’d leave me I’d have to call on private number, so now she’s got a new number, she’d go for 6-8 hours between calls, I’d still now have write her a letter and leave it for her, saying like the text, and like the text if I didn’t she’d be angry at me, if there wasn’t enough words in the text or letter, she’d get mad at me, so she did all the techniques above to me, I’m a normal guy, very simple and uncomplicated, I worked to pay my bills, I’d do everything she wanted, paid for everything for her, I’d rub her feet or give her a massage every night, I loved and still love her incredibly. When someone you are doing everything for and your paying everything for, I moved to a place she wanted to live made my daughter live back with her mum as my ex wanted so it was just her and I, and now I’m an hour away from my family and friends, so her using these techniques is just blowing my mind, I didn’t know what was going on, so my reactions, I start pulling back financially, I’m stressing thinking is she having an affair, I was so confused, so my reactions, made her start going harder on me with I’m definitely a narcissist, etc etc etc, has she communicated, things would have been different, to be honest she showed actions of a narcissist, as I’ve read on here, but from what I’ve read and learned now from a councillor I’ve now has to see as I’m a mess, a psychologist and psychiatrist can struggle to diagnose some narcissists, but my ex diagnosed both her ex and I, with no psychological training, and how many other people are doing the same. I’ve put my story up, Melanie, and many others said my ex is a narcissist from my perception of my relationship, I’ve not lied, I’m being totally honest, and my ex did something similar about me at a seminar, and was told I am a narcissist, I don’t know if she is or not as I’ve said. I know I’m not tho, I know I did and would have done anything for this lady, I’d have given my life for her, but we are no longer together, I’ve respected her boundaries, and left her alone, which is killing me, I pray daily she’ll contact me, so we can talk, I wish I had known she was on this site back then, as I’d have loved to do it with her, I believe we would have sorted things out, as we’d see common ground there, maybe it’s worth suggesting couples on here to talk to there partners about doing this course, seeing these videos together, god knows I begged to go to a councillor with my ex, all I got was, you’ll fool the councillor, thank you for reading this, I would love some advice, maybe please put this to the members here, as probably most people here have self diagnosed there partner, 90% might be right, but that 10% wrecks lives

By: Tish

Tish — Fri, 24 Jan 2020 14:32:11 +0000

What’s crazy is that I was unaware that I was married to a covert narcissist until after the marriage was over. He tried to get me back and I fell for it but then found out he had moved on and had a girlfriend. I wasn’t supposed to know, so when I found out he literally started treating me like complete crap. Then I had flashbacks to when we were married. He treated me like crap ever since the day we said I do. Almost like our marriage was for show and not for true love. It all makes sense. I always knew something was off but loved him so much and tried my best to make it work even thinking that the problems in our marriage was all my fault (which he made me to believe). It all makes sense why I couldn’t get him to change and why he never took any responsibility even to this day.

My question is…we have a 3 year old. My ex is now in a relationship with someone else (the same one that he dissed me for after the divorce when I thought he was trying to get back with me) I think for an Year and a half now. Do I need to worry about Hoovering if he’s in a long term relationship and also does having a child with a covert narcissist make me more susceptible to hoovering since I can’t go completely no contact because of the communication we have to keep open about the child who is still very young.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Sat, 01 Dec 2018 22:46:32 +0000

In reply to Dana.

Hi Dana,

He certainly has shown them.

Dana truly I would anchor in your heart and being that your daughter is strong, amazing and wise and that she will find her way with this.

Keep leading the way with her and letting her know her rights and truth and see her as ‘getting’ it too.

And she will.

Wishing this breakthrough for you and your daughter.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

By: Dana

Dana — Sat, 01 Dec 2018 18:59:06 +0000

As a mom, I’m terrified my just turned 18 year old daughter has been in a narcissistic relationship for 7-8months and while I have seen some warning signs and have tried to address them with her she doesn’t see them… until yesterday … he showed his true colors when she and I were out visiting different colleges… he doesn’t want her to goto the college she has been dreaming of going to since she was little… told her it was too far away and that he didn’t trust her to be loyal and that being that far away would kick his anxiety up and he would end up killing himself and he can’t believe that she would put a college over HIS WELL BEING!! Then proceeded to tell her how incredibly selfish she is for that!! He said he wasn’t waist of his time with her anymore and that he was going to break up with her… I made her call his bluff and instantly he changed his tune and told her that she’s the one with the problem and is the one wanting to break up! I am not kidding this kid turned jeckle and Hyde so fast I couldn’t believe the crap he was telling my daughter.. she is a complete wreck and is asking me to stop scolding her and telling her how bad this/he is…. the good thing is she asked to see a therapist which I have set up for her this coming week but what else can I do to help her?! She cannot stay with this guy… there are so many other issues I can’t text them all but this was the icing on the cake… she can’t not see him either she goes to a small hs where he’s always there in every class

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 03:06:36 +0000

In reply to Patti.

Hi Patti,

They may or may not spiral back. The important thing is we are totally not receptive to it if they do.

Blessings to you.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

By: Patti

Patti — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 00:29:31 +0000

In reply to Mary "Teiwaz" Heintzman. Wow. I’m so glad you shared. He “got” me because of abandonment. I was so hoping he had happily moved on. Now that I read your experience I’ll remember it’s never over with them. As long as they can get supply they’ll come back. Makes sense.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 22:13:32 +0000

In reply to Rose.

Hi Rose,

I am so pleased you survived your NDE.

What a beautiful and transformational experience and I feel so blessed that you have shared this with us all.

Go forth and share your light beautiful Angel, you are here doing God’s work.

Mel 🙏💕❤️

By: Rose

Rose — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 20:07:30 +0000

I have already commented on this post, however recent events have lead me to share once more. Three days ago, I had a brush with death. I took an antibiotic that caused an anaphylactic response. I rushed to the hospital, and they saved my life. While I was on the bed, not knowing if I was going to make it, I had a spiritual encounter and conversation with God. I completely surrendered to leaving this earth, if that was to be. A peace came over me. I was ready to leave all the pain and suffering of this life behind. I imagined travelling to the afterlife and a feeling of pure love washed over me. I imagined travelling to a place where no one can do harm, a place of wholeness like I never knew before, a place that met the deepest longing of my heart. I was about ten minutes away from deaths door, just enough time to be given the medicine that would restore my breathing and swelling. Just in time, to be saved. Now as I sit at my computer typing this, I am processing my adventure, and the return to my life on earth. But I am changed. The warmth and love I experienced and the peace of God, still linger. I realize that this deep experience of love, is something I want to both fiercely protect, and share. While love is limitless, it is also to be respected. We also have a choice. I feel a renewed strength emerging, to honour the bounds of love, to say no, to that which would harm me, and others. Love is not naive. It protects, it does no harm. I can’t tell you how many times I have not protected myself from harmful agents that wish me harm. This is where self love has been missing. All the times I have sought the love of my family, in the face of harmful intent. I imagine I won’t be as be as likely to try and convert harmful agents in to loving ones. In my case, antibiotics have become a metaphor for narcissists. To really love, we must come inside and under Love’s protection. For so many of us have suffered by wandering outside the bounds of love. I wish for myself, and everyone who reads this, that we will all learn not to wander in to harmful territory, to rest in the truth of love, where our most truthful connection to reality lies. I am loved, you are loved. Keep on remembering.

By: Julia

Julia — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 19:17:18 +0000

In reply to Melanie Tonia Evans.

I used to, in the acute crisis. Everytime I think I’m already “done” with healing, then some more aspect rears it’s ugly head 🙁
I think the interesting thing about hoovering is, “my” n wouldn’t/haven’t never do it. I think I know the reason. My parents were emotionally distant. They never reached out for me, into my “inner world”, I think in this sense I was invisible, non existing, I felt (and still feel) I’m deeply alone. It’s always been me who has to reach out for others. Even with my female friends, I feel I always have to take the initiative, reach out, connect, they just are passive 🙁 So if the n would hoover me, some part of me would be “delighted”. Because this is my wounding, of course he won’t do it!
Feeling alone causes problems. When I have this completely natural desire to connect with someone, just to talk, hug, invite to my home, eat, have a coffee…that loneliness might cause me to want to connect with him. I don’t have so many friends. He (the n) feels comfortable like an old sweater. I shouldn’t feel this way towards a person who is highly toxic! 🙁
But I’m not so obsessed anymore like I used to be. I think now there’s more space in my mind, to make a choice…do I want to connect with him and deal with the consequences…or what if I just leave all this now and save the beautiful memories. I actually think I’d finally be strong enough to do that! <3 (to not connect with him anymore) Harsh reality is, he won't miss me or "care" whether we'll still meet or not. I think he never cared about me in any genuine level anyway.
Yes, healing happens! 🙂