I know what it’s like (and you might too) to FINALLY hear what you needed to give a narcissist another chance.
Yet … EVERY time we do, our stomach sinks, we start feeling uneasy and before long, we can’t believe what we signed up for.
Things haven’t changed!
He or she is not acting better and not only are we back at square one, we are also even more traumatised, shattered and hooked in than we were before.
You might have heard of the term ‘hoover’.
This is an expression used to describe a toxic person sucking you back into a relationship for their own self-serving gain.
It’s definitely NOT about loving and caring about you.
Narcissists have some very clever tricks in their tool bag, that can make you give them chance after chance, and even hook you back in against your will.
In this Thriver TV episode, I’ve included the 9 hoovering techniques I’ve seen used the most regularly by narcissists, over the last ten plus years.
Some of these you may already know about and others, because they are insidious and sneaky, you may not have even thought of!
I really want to share this episode with you today so that you are armed, prepared and are hoover-proof – meaning you will never sign up for more abuse and punishment ever again.
Video Transcript
One of the most confusing and painfully difficult things about narcissistic people is that when you’ve had enough, it is common for them to try to hoover you back in.
The expression ‘hoover’, comes from vacuum cleaners, meaning to suck something in. This is what narcissists do, they act pathologically and in ways that get under your guard to suck you back into the relationship. Their reasons are not about reform, amends, ‘seeing the light’ or genuine love, rather this is about retaining narcissistic supply, the drug necessary for a narcissist to emotionally survive.
Hoovers can occur at any time after you try to leave the relationship, or at any time when you are trying to pull away and get away. A hoover may come immediately, in an hour, day, week or even years later.
By very clear that hoovering can be done by narcissists, even after they have discarded you.
The hoover may come quickly if a narcissist has not yet decided and/or acquired a new source of supply to jump ship onto yet. If the hoover comes after an amount of time, it’s because other replacement sources of supply have dried up, or not worked out.
Let’s get very clear there is no compliment in being the narcissist’s object of a hoover because if you go back into the relationship, things are going to become so much worse. The narcissist will start maliciously punishing you for trying to leave the relationship; he or she will try to incapacitate you worse than before, so that next time it will be the narcissist’s decision to end it, not yours.
Be very clear, if you are with a toxic person who acts narcissistically, you are in a cycle of violence. Meaning there will be a make-up period where things seem better again (honeymoon period), tension builds, an abusive event happens, damage and devalue and discard occurs, then the makeup happens again.
These cycles never change with narcissists, other than become more frequent and dramatic and violent in nature (and please know violence does not have to be physical).
What you will discover after reconnecting with a narcissist, is that within a short amount of time your Inner Being is screaming out “I made a mistake this feels terrible” (it knows!) and the real evidence is usually not far behind.
Isn’t this the same for anyone who reconnects back with a drug, cigarette, drink, or addictive habit that is destroying them? We may have all the excuses why we can handle it, and it’s not so bad, yet just like with a narcissist, that’s not the truth of things. And until we deeply heal ourselves, at our core, from the reasons why we are tempted to self-medicate our traumas with abusive objects and people, we may feel powerless to break these cycles.
The good news is, thank goodness, we can heal from and break these terrible self-defeating cycles, and I’m going to share with you how to get that started at the end of this video.
The most toxic and traumatic of relationships include hoovering, which happens often within daily conversations, especially text messages – where you are being gaslighted, confused, guilted, possibly dumped and then reeled back in. Narcissists, if you are traumatised and not self-partnered and focused on healing yourself in your body, can play with you mercilessly like a cat would a mouse on a string.
Many people think hoovering is just pleasantries; flowers, gifts and apologies and promises. It’s not. It’s whatever the narcissist deems necessary to fulfil their self-serving agenda which is to suck you back in and control you again.
Let’s go through the 9 most common methods of hoovering that I usually hear about and have experienced myself.
#1 Telling You the One Thing You Needed to Hear
Generally, the people who get with narcissists are nice people. We like to tell people the truth and speak up and give them a chance. Until we heal and learn to stop codependently trying to fix people so that they can be healthy enough for us to be with, we may have done this ad-nauseum with the narcissist: over and over and over, lecturing and prescribing to them what we need from them to ‘get it’, ‘stop it’ and treat us differently.
Of course, the narcissist has been resisting, twisting and turning and not granting us what we need from them, so eventually after days, weeks or months of having had enough and not getting any validation of our feelings or needs, we may walk away.
Then magically the narcissist ‘gets it’ and tells us what we need to hear right on death-knock.
Mind you, as all good co-dependent fixers we are, we may even have had to put the words into the narcissist’s mouth for them, but somehow we believe we have heard what we needed to and reconnect.
Experience tells us these cycles happen repeatedly, and the narcissist had no true desire or resources to change their behaviour.
The bottom line is this: relationships that don’t reflect integrity, decent values, respect boundaries or care for another’s emotions, are abuse.
#2 Promises for the Future
A hoover may come from a narcissist promising to get help, make an effort, look at their stuff, align with our values, do this, do that, agree to have children, get married … whatever it is.
These are carrots dangled to hold us in, thinking ‘I’ll give you a chance and some time to see if you follow through with these things you are promising.’
Of course, these things don’t happen, and the narcissist never had any intention of fully committing to what you wanted. Their life is not about that, it’s about brokering the deals that are firmly in their favour only.
#3 Appeal to Your Compassion and Sentimentality
Virtually every person who a narcissists mines for narcissistic supply is a good-hearted, giving, caring person.
If a narcissist suffers some tragedy in their life (real or fabricated) this is an opportunity for them to reach out in a hoover, to use your good heart as your weakness to break No Contact.
Sentimentality is another powerful tool, telling you things like their children, or even pet, who you were very close to misses you terribly, as they do too.
You could be very susceptible with this, if you are struggling with the separation or if they send you a message about a memory together, or a photo, or something that brings back the feelings of your connection.
A narcissist may start sobbing in front of you as a result of losing you. Your natural inclination might be to hold and soothe them, and this can be a very big danger. I myself have given in to this hoover with toxic people more times than I can count, where the thought for my own wellbeing and safety went out the window whilst trying to caretake theirs.
A narcissist may go as far as to send you flowers, expensive gifts, give you a marriage proposal, whisk you away on a romantic weekend, whatever it takes. The narcissist may hold your hands and look you in your eyes with undying love.
This type of hoover generally comes when you have meant it, it’s over, and the narcissist must bring out the big guns to try to win you back.
In my experience and with what I have viewed with so many others, if the narcissist had to go to these lengths to win you back then the punishment that is coming, if you reconnect, is obscene. The narcissist hates having to act and behave so vulnerably, and his or her False Self will demand total obedience from you, which of course can’t be appeased.
#4 Apologies and Feigning Taking Responsibility
It’s a powerful hoover when a narcissist admits they have issues, takes responsibility, apologises for their behaviour and says they will change.
At first, because you might believe narcissists don’t take responsibility for their action, and will never apologise, this could throw you into thinking ‘He or she can’t be a narcissist.’ You may be tempted to take it on face value, heave a sigh of relief and think they have come to their senses.
I strongly suggest not taking it at face value. Give it a push with a stick and tell the narcissist that you need evidence, and you won’t reconnect until you see progress and can believe it. Words are no longer enough for you. Hold your ground, don’t reconnect, and see how genuine their statement is.
Generally, the narcissist will unravel very quickly and start telling you how terrible you are to not believe them, complete with accusations about all your issues. And there you have it! The narcissistic three-ring circus starts up again very quickly, on a hair-line trigger.
The narcissist was never concerned about showing how he or she could durably change and earn your trust again, as a decent, real, accountable person would. This was only about telling you whatever it would take to hoover you back in.
Now let’s look at the next level of hoovering that isn’t about niceties. The narcissist can employ these tactics because the niceties didn’t work, or the narcissist refuses to stoop to such a vulnerable level.
Possibly these levels could swap around. The narcissist tried all the nasty, bullying stuff first and then when that didn’t work, pulled out the ‘nice hoovers’.
#5 Random Cryptic Messages
These could be a “Hi, how are you?” or a cryptic message containing some random statement that you may even think was accidentally sent to you, or something completely unrelated to what you think a ‘normal’ person would message you with.
Maybe you have been purposefully ‘pocket dialed’ by this person.
All, of course, designed to test the water, get your head ticking and hopefully get you to message back.
#6 Guilt and Blame
This is the: ‘I was going to leave you first before you left me’ message. Telling you all the reasons why the relationship was your fault, and you were to blame and what a bad person you are. It may be the typical ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’ ‘I don’t want anything to do with you anyway’ message.
Generally, this comes after the narcissist has tried to unsuccessfully hoover you in another way or knows that they have screwed up that badly that niceties are just not going to cut it for you.
If you are incensed about the narcissist taking zero responsibility and twisting it all back on you, you could be hoovered back in again.
Don’t fall for it.
Let the narcissist think or proclaim anything they want to. Nothing you say or do is going to make a scrap of difference. Your resolution lies directly with your self-parenting and healing between you and you.
#7 Threaten You
The nasty bullying, more criminal type narcissists, can use threats to keep you connected or force you to go back to them. Things like: “I will take the house and kids”, “I’ll ruin your business” and “I’ll use this information about you to blackmail you if you try to leave”.
We may give in to this fear, wanting to buy time, or save ourselves from the terrible destruction we just aren’t strong enough to face. I promise you, after having lived through this myself, that the fear doesn’t stop until we heal on the inside and take our power back.
If you are in a dangerous situation, it’s very important that you reach out for support through your community, people who you trust and the domestic violence resources that are available for you. Be as calm, clear and together as you possibly can at these times, so that you are heard and met by those who can help.
#8 Abandonment
A narcissist, after a failed hoover attempt, may try this tactic, retract the desire and effort to reconnect with you, spin on a dime and tell you they are leaving and that he or she is ‘done’, and promptly hang up, stop texting or exit the scene.
If you are still suffering the inner terrors of being rejected and abandoned, this one could trigger you into a panic and make you want to reconnect.
This used to be very big for me. It was a sure-fire way to suck me back in until I healed with the NARP work those parts of me that were very susceptible to this. Maybe this one has detonated you into reconnecting to a toxic person too.
#9 Making You Doubt and Question Yourself
There are many gaslighting techniques narcissists can use in communication with you after a breakup.
He or she may convince you to stay in contact and that you can be friends. Maybe the narcissist will tell you they wish the best for you and care about you. They may even say you have their blessings and they want nothing more than for you to be happy moving forward in your life.
This person may even offer assistance with things, which keeps you hooked in so that they can pick you up and use you for supply again.
You might start to question yourself and think that the relationship issues weren’t that bad and that this person is a good person. Maybe you got it wrong about them.
Narcissists, especially altruistic narcissists, use these methods to reel you back in. It’s not genuine at all.
Be very very clear it is not normal after breakups to stay friends with someone, and it’s not healthy. Healthy people don’t want to do this. They want to take space to heal and will respect you and allow you the space to heal as well. Maybe in time, you can have some sort of healthy non-connected relationship (with people who are not narcissists), but initially, there is absolutely no value, health or growth in staying connected to anyone after a breakup – especially someone who is toxic.
So, all I all we can see that there are many ways a narcissist can get under your skin and hoover you back into a relationship. This is why absolutely No Contact and blocking every way a narcissist can contact you, or at the very least strict Modified Contact through third party communication (only if absolutely necessary such as in the case of parallel-parenting) is vital.
Naturally, initially, we do have all sorts of traumas, hooks and emotional enmeshments and dependencies with these people that make us highly susceptible to being hoovered back in, and these are exactly why we need to self-partner and heal these within our own inner being to get free of any hoover susceptibilities.
Then I promise you, you will be as tempted to pick up a contact attempt as you would to nail yourself to the back of a slamming door. Which in many ways might be less painful!
I know a lot of you have been through repeat hoovers or are terrified about giving in if it happens to you, and And is why I’d love to help you heal and become totally hoover-proof.
You can get that started today, and put an end to the insanity, by connecting to my 16-day free course which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and so much more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.
And if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.
So, until next time … keep healing, keep smiling and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
P.S. I just want to say, to all our Thrivers in the United States I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.
Words can’t express how much I love and appreciate every one of you in this incredible community!
If you are going through a difficult time this Thanksgiving I want you to know that you will get through this. Take care of yourself, dedicate time to healing you, and I and this community are here, standing by you to help you get out to the other side.
As always I look forward to your comments and questions about this very important topic!
I am in a dangerous situation. It’s very scary sometimes. My narcissistic ex is dangerous. He is a witch and is involved with a bikie gang and dark magic. My psychologist was recently bashed up and I believe my ex was probably involved. My domestic violence caseworker also started turning on me as soon as I went to police and got a temporary AVO taken out on him. It’s hard to know what to do. Bikies in Australia do not tolerate people going to the police about them. I don’t want anyone else getting hurt but I may be forced to get back together with him and suffer the punishment of going to police. I’m not sure. I’m focusing on healing and have a meeting with my caseworkers manager next week to hopefully get a new caseworker.
Sandy, it happened to me too, an ex narc girlfriend was into satanism, which was the reason why we broke up. I just would not tolerate that. I saw her one night astral traveling and hovering over my bed drawing off my energy. Afterwards I became very ill with bronchitis and nearly choked to death several times within the first hour.
I prayed and ask that Angels be sent to reverse the cursing so she would never again do it on anybody else. I started to improve, but a full recovery took several weeks. (Yes, it’s okay to reverse and send it back, it’s self defence.) Today she sits in prison with a life sentence for first degree murder. Her religion didn’t save her from that.
I am so sorry Sandy, and can relate. I don’t want to give any info even here, about my last ex. But let’s just say he said to me, ‘you know too much’. He took me places and introduced me to people that was like something out of the movies. He hasn’t tried hoovering me in a long time, and I broke it off 2 years ago. After a couple texts back and forth, I can say that it has now been about 8 months since I have had any contact with him. I learned to play dumb, and act like I didn’t know what was going on. It can be delicate getting away from these types. And sometimes frightening, for sure. I liken it to backing out of a lions den ever so gently. The more time passes, the safer I feel, but safety does not equal being naive. If he happens to text me again, I have my response ready – no response. As I do the inner work, the fear lifts, more and more. Be strong, and gather all the support you can. God is bigger than any witch. Call upon God for your protection and wisdom. Much love, and light to you, dear woman.
I think this is especially well timed, as the holidays are coming, and it is a fav time for narcs to reach out. We must remain strong and value the hard fought ground we have taken. How ‘he’ at times, made me feel, are the feelings I am learning to give myself. I practise telling myself how much I love me, everyday. It helps me stay grounded in reality, instead of feeling vulnerable to any crumbs he may try to send my way. Because if I love myself, why would I tolerate allowing anyone to harm me. I wouldn’t want that for my children, and I don’t want that for myself. I am safe to myself.
Hi Rose,
You are so right. Holiday time is a hot spot for hoovering behaviour.
I love everything that you have written – it’s so true.
Thank you for inspiring others.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Sandy,
Please stay safe and keep connecting with the resources available to you.
You deserve a healthy true life free of fear.
Sending you love and strength to get through this challenging time.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
After my first narc relationship it took me a long time to heal, NARP has been the success to my healing but I still look at thriver episodes to remind me of lessons I have learnt. In saying that I found narc no 2 and these shows have helped me to remain on alert when symptoms appeared. This one was different. He made narc no 1 look stupid, he was articulate, smart and more manipulative. Through narp I was able to identify the punishment techniques and he has gone from my life quickly. Interestingly this episode on hoovering has reminded me of the techniques he is using to try and get me back. I am feeling strong, happy and not diminished or demoralised by this man,and thank you Melanie for teaching me all of the arsenal of survival and self worth. 💐
Hi Kim,
I am so happy for you that you have healed beyond this and have come so far!
You are doing a fantastic job Dear Lady.
Wishing you continued strength and breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Absolutely uncanny….. My ex from years ago suddenly called out of the blue and I refused to answer the phone….. We had talked a little bit several months ago when I had called basically to make amends for AA ~ Ironically they admitted also being an alcoholic yet never recovered….. THEY commented how everyone had blamed me alone when they were right there drinking along with me. I am estranged from my daughter and granddaughter who he is the father of. When we talked many months ago it was before NARP….. Part of the conversation they had gone on and on about what a miserable time they had on vacation with their present partner and how we used to have a good time.How her and her entire family are big drinkers and that’s all they do. Apparently at some point they made up because after a few conversations he suddenly would not answer the phone or return my calls….. If not for NARP I would have again picked the phone right up and listened to how miserable he is with her. Now I could care less. It’s only because of my doing the modules that I even realized how strange it is for him to be talking to me about her !!!
And sucking all my hard earned and worked for positive energy right out….. Now I ask why I would want to do that to myself ?!!! I refuse to abandon myself so he can feel better. No more. The NARP program is so powerful and works changing things on the inside – Even when you don’t realize it is until something happens where you see it !!! Finally an Answer that truly works….. Thank you deeply Melanie !!!! What a Wonder this program is…..
Hi Mary,
How wonderful you have come so far and honour you!
I’m so happy for you, your self work is truly commendable. It’s such a relief when we no longer self-abandon trying to fix others.
Love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow. I’m so glad you shared. He “got” me because of abandonment. I was so hoping he had happily moved on. Now that I read your experience I’ll remember it’s never over with them. As long as they can get supply they’ll come back. Makes sense.
Hi Patti,
They may or may not spiral back. The important thing is we are totally not receptive to it if they do.
Blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, this article has so much information that will be helpful to so many people who are in narcissistic relationships. I no longer am in one,but I thank you for all of your videos and articles that keep me aware.
Hi Tess
Thank you for your lovely comment and it’s my pleasure.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, this article came at a difficult time for me. I have more than one narcissist trying to suck me back in … scary. I know better than to engage with any of them but it’s still uncomfortable , frightening knowing that they’re out there trying to control anyone who associates with me and, always ,behind my back with their smear campaigns, etc. They have pretty much ruined me in this town . I want to move but do not have the money .Thank you so much for the support and for the Thanksgiving wishes.
Dear Kathy, I we as drawn to your post after reading others. I don’t know why. I just wanted to wish you a wonderful day. To send you love from.my heart to yours. To say that even though you have no friends in your town , that there is someone in this world who has prayed for you and you are not alone. Stay strong, something or.someone will make you smile today. 🤗
Dear Rosebud, Thank you so much for your heartfelt note of encouragement and prayer… much appreciated. I hope you had a wonderful day. Sending you grace and blessings. Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I am so sorry you are feeling this pain and fear at the moment.
Please know, truly, that when we heal on the inside what narcissists trigger within us, that they lose power and it’s then that all their attempts start to fall away.
I’d love to help you achieve that. The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this can help you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks Melanie. The hoovering is unpleasant and has been in combination with triangulation, etc. I worked through the NARP program and have done your 16 day free program as well. They have helped immensely and I can’t thank you enough for these programs. The group of NARCS will never change but I know that I have. I am calm. There is no more emotional chaos like before; no fight or flight feelings. Your whole point of turning inward and healing ourselves instead of
giving them the attention , validation and power over us that they crave is correct. It is the only way to heal. Thank you again. I hope that you have a beautiful Holiday Season. 💖
Hi Kathy,
I’m thrilled for you that you’re doing so well.
You have done a powerful job of turning your life around … kudos to you..
Thank you for you well wishes and big love to you too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I love this video so much! What does it mean when a narcissist tells you to move on with your life and they will be happy for you if you meet someone else?
Also what about emotional blackmail e.g – you make me feel like I want to kill myself, I feel suicidal etc (even though they hoovered you back in?!)
Hi Liane,
Truly narcissists tell us exactly what hurts us, keeps us bonded to them and it really is to do with healing what they trigger within us.
That one triggers within us that they don’t care and how can they let go so easily?
Naturally it hurts, and that statement also can be ‘the nice person’ act as I spoke about.
Either way our truest mission is to stop dissecting them, let go and heal ourselves, so that we can generate a life and loving relationships that are healthy.
Wishing you strength and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I told you, if you remember, I left my dangerous psychopath 10 months ago. He is in prison. I didn’t put him there, nobody believed me. Someone else did. I was told my twin flame was looking for me. I didn’t believe it. A marine saw something I said, on Linkedin & liked it. All it took was a wink & I was a goner. I spoke to him, falling for him, but was terrified & found an excuse to run! He came back & wished me a happy Thanksgiving. That is all it took. I told him the other night I’m so embarrassed, but I love him. He came back & told me nothing to be embarrassed about & he feels it could be worth while. He is a few years younger, maybe four & I adore his name. He knows my husband has physically hurt me. He vowed he would never hurt a woman. I love him, but terrified. My friend saw his picture & knows I walked & she is mad at me!
Hi,
The n number 1 hoovered me saying that he has serious illness and is totally broke and asking money from me. It’s a nasty feeling, not knowing whether it was true. If someone really is in trouble, my natural instinct is to help, “rescue”. I gave emotional support, but not the money. Soon the tone changed, and he started to ridicule me, for example my religious beliefs. I think no one can’t go lower than that! It was the point of no return for me. I said something I have never said to anyone: Kindly leave me alone now, do not send me any more messages anymore. Indeed, that was some years ago and ever since I never heard about him again! I feel pity for him, but have zero desire or reason to connect with him ever anymore. It’s over.
The n number 2 is trickier. I have done a lot of healing, recovering, I am nowadays even “thriving”. But there’s one more “hook” how he can hoover me: sex. With total embarrasment I say, it’s not even him who is hoovering me, usually it’s me who takes the initiative. I might ask him for a visit, for coffee etc. and it starts nicely and very soon I just find us in bedroom! It is difficult situation, because this man is very “hot”, charming, excellent lover. Saying all this surprises even me: I’m introvert, I’m shy, usually I don’t even like sex so much, have not so much desire to do it, I don’t even like to talk about it, I don’t even like the word sex (I prefer: make love), this is pretty much the only man with whom I’ve been in the last decade, I don’t do any one-night stands. So he is special in that way. It feels also very bizarre to say this: he is safe in this context. It is safe to invite him to my home, he is not some crazy murderer or thief, he is never physically violent. In the bed, he is the most caring and gentle person ever. Inviting some random unknown man into my home, for sex, I think that is something that really would be dangerous! (I wouldn’t do it) So I don’t know what to think about all this…:( I always want to be with him, the “one last time”. The last time I saw him (some months ago), I hug him so tightly and tears came into my eyes; I am fully aware that he is a n, liar, non-human and generally not good for me. Letting go is difficult 🙁 Even after now, when I’ve done so much healing already, and I feel I don’t even have any trauma bonding or obsession going on anymore.
Hi Julia,
Your share is brave and very honest and I’m sure many people can relate to this.
The wonderful thing about this is that you know you can enjoy sex and you are not kidding yourself that it can be more with him.
The evolution I believe from here is to be grateful that you have had this experience and take it forward by setting a very big intention that you can have this level of intimacy sexually with a truly intimate loving real partner.
And then do the required No Contact and healing to generate that.
That’s the next evolution step.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks for letting me share, I feel lighter already 🙂
Maybe I could continue this activity with him, it seems to be harmless, maybe it is. The things that he used to do to me, triangulation, broken promises, threatening to abandon me (huge fear of mine), silent treatments…they used to cause me enormous panic and pain, but now I mainly feel amused. I’ve become immune to that stuff and I’m glad to see that the hard healing work starts to show results!
I am grateful that I could experience/express this side of me with him. Even if he is completely fake and false, I feel this was something genuine. I feel it was heart-breakingly beautiful, I felt that at during that brief moment (in sex), he wasn’t a narcissist, but just like any other ordinary heterosexual man, simply enjoying sex.
But even if sex in itself is enjoyable, if I’m totally honest with myself, this continue to hurt me, because this all goes against my values. Even if the man would be normal, non-n…I’d like sex to be expression of love, that he really cares about me, is committed, that we have a whole, full relationship. It broke my heart that this person simply does not have the capacity for that. I’d love a man be there for me also, when I’m at my worst, weakest, stressed, the most insecure and stupid version of me. And not only when I’m the most radiant, feminine, sexy me. Very interesting, this might be my childhood wounding too! That I’m only visible, acceptable and lovable, when I’m positive, perfect, “good girl”, pleasing others. I think I still have some trauma residue with this…
I worked in a zoo and always thought that there is a difference between a domesticated animal and tame wild animal. I think n’s are like the last one. You can never fully trust him, you always need to be a little bit wary, he follows different instincts, even ordinary everyday things can cause sudden, unexpected and unusual reactions.
It’s no good 🙁
Maybe, I hope, I will still find a real boyfriend/husband. I think then, naturally, my focus will be less and less in the n or any exes and in the past! 🙂
Hi Julia,
The real truth is sweetheart, to get the banquet, we do need to give up the junk food, no matter how delicious it might be at the time … release the parts of us allowing and accepting second (or less best) and become the inner identity who matches the banquets.
Then it can be and is soooo worth the trip to get there- because we heal and become so much along the way.
Are you working steadily and determinedly with NARP?
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I used to, in the acute crisis. Everytime I think I’m already “done” with healing, then some more aspect rears it’s ugly head 🙁
I think the interesting thing about hoovering is, “my” n wouldn’t/haven’t never do it. I think I know the reason. My parents were emotionally distant. They never reached out for me, into my “inner world”, I think in this sense I was invisible, non existing, I felt (and still feel) I’m deeply alone. It’s always been me who has to reach out for others. Even with my female friends, I feel I always have to take the initiative, reach out, connect, they just are passive 🙁 So if the n would hoover me, some part of me would be “delighted”. Because this is my wounding, of course he won’t do it!
Feeling alone causes problems. When I have this completely natural desire to connect with someone, just to talk, hug, invite to my home, eat, have a coffee…that loneliness might cause me to want to connect with him. I don’t have so many friends. He (the n) feels comfortable like an old sweater. I shouldn’t feel this way towards a person who is highly toxic! 🙁
But I’m not so obsessed anymore like I used to be. I think now there’s more space in my mind, to make a choice…do I want to connect with him and deal with the consequences…or what if I just leave all this now and save the beautiful memories. I actually think I’d finally be strong enough to do that! <3 (to not connect with him anymore) Harsh reality is, he won't miss me or "care" whether we'll still meet or not. I think he never cared about me in any genuine level anyway.
Yes, healing happens! 🙂
Thank you for inspiring me Melanie, this video came at the perfect time!! I’m feeling much more confident and empowered after listening to you explain the hoovering tactics. All these tactics have been used on me after breaking up and ending unhealthy relationships, it’s been horrible and terrifying because I’ve made questionable decisions out of survival and desperation that’s caused narcissistic projection, misunderstandings, and misconceptions. I’ve gotten hooked back in time after time because I hadn’t healed my childhood and adult traumas like you mentioned in # 9, altruistic n’s are really good at sucking you back in (in my experience). Being continually criticized, rejected, abandoned, annihilated, punished, investigated, slandered and hated throughout my life has been torture. Every time I tried to make a stand for myself and children to end my cycle of abuse I failed, even with restraining court orders and support from domestic violence programs I wasn’t able to get out. It was during my worst breakdown of physical, mental and emotional health with no support system (except for one compassionate therapist) that I chose no contact with them – there really was no choice. I had so much to live for – my three amazing beautiful children and grandson needed me! This method of turning toward your pain and trauma is the hardest thing I’ve done (but gets easier with practice) and now I know there’s life beyond the cycle of violence because I feel so much more aligned and true to myself. Your work and QFH healing method have been my lifesaver and the missing link in my recovery and healing from abuse. Self-partnering has helped me learn a lot about myself, both strengths and inadequacies! The recovery and healing process takes time but with your support and resources I know it’s possible to Thrive. Blessings to you Melanie!! xo
I have a question about no contact I’m hoping you can help with. Is it necessary to provide a verbal or written explanation to the N when you decide to end contact? Or are actions and silence acceptable as notice?
Hi Rebecca,
It’s my pleasure, and I’m so pleased you have turned inwards to selfpartner and heal with NARP.
Thank goodness we are able to get the trauma out and put an end to the insanity of our abuse patterns!
It totally is possible to Thrive and so many blessings to you too.
In answer to your question Rebecca, our actions are all that necessary. Narcissists don’t understand anything else in my opinion, words are just fodder for them to twist and turn.
I hope this helps.
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Definitely helps, thank you!!💖🙏🦋
I wanted to comment this also…
“Be very very clear it is not normal after breakups to stay friends with someone, and it’s not healthy. Healthy people don’t want to do this.”
This is the first time in my life I heard this! Somehow I had always thought that it is a sign of “maturity” or whatever, if I CAN stay as friends after breakup. Some part of me maybe even believed it is some obligation to stay friends. It’s interesting that I have had a lot of fear being abandoned, and then I myself can’t bear the thought to abandon someone else.
I’ve always thought, almost like a joke, why a man (ex or not, n or not, whatever man), a single, heterosexual man would want to be “only as friends” with a woman anyways…for what? :/ I’ve started to think about it, it seems little bit shady.
Having said all this…after the n abuse, I’ve dared to meet only one new man. We met a couple of times. Of course I felt nervous, I felt like scanning him all the time, in case I can detect even the tiniest hint of narcissism in him. I think he could sense that “squirrely” energy in me, because he started to become somehow turned-off. But it’s okay. I can understand him, and understand myself 🙂 Of course I can’t immediately after the n abuse be fully trusting towards every man and have my heart wide open. Of course not.
I don’t feel in love with him, I can’t see relationship potential or such flow, but I do like him. We have not had sex and I don’t want with him. He kissed me only once. He sent me message, “we can be friends, for sure”. He is intelligent and we can discuss about many interesting themes. Definitely no love bombing or instant relationship is happening with him, this is good. So I could actually be friends with him, why not. I think it could work, because we have never been a couple or had sex. Melanie, is this normal or healthy? I need to ask this, because after the n abuse I’m vulnerable and somehow lost the concept of what is normal :/
I have been hoovered several times & we broke up over 2 years ago. The narc devalued me, went happily off into the sunset with new supply & moved across the country. He is blocked from everything, but found a way in through mutual friends we had. The latest is a text to them saying he misses them & wants to come visit. The friends call him a jerk, but don’t understand the danger of being near him. I told them thanks for letting me know, let me know if the plans for a visit really materialize & I will head off on a mini vacation.
Hi Stephanie,
That’s so great you are No Contact and want it to stay that way!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I agree with others’ comments about the timing of this information. After my husband walked out 4 months ago, and 4 months of texting with him about joint finances (he refused to speak to me), I received a request to talk. It was 3 am Thanksgiving morning when he called, and, up to that point, I felt as though I had been doing really well with my recovery. I gave in because I thought something bad had happened. In hindsight, I suppose I mistakenly thought he had some weird moment of mental clarity and that he wasn’t truly a Narc, that maybe I mislabeled him. Could he actually want to apologize? First time for everything. Nope.
I fell for it and spoke with him, only to hear him try to guilt and belittle me. I handled it tactfully and hung up. Afterward, I was triggered, shaking and scared all over again, and mad that I fell for his trap. Happy holidays, huh? I knew better and had answered his call anyway. It’s always got to be about him. He hates Christmas as well, but I won’t fall for that trap again. I love holidays (and life and happiness!)
He’s a terrible, lonely, miserable person and always will be. I deserve better, but it is depressing that such terrible people can exist. Initially, I accepted all the blame for the failure of our bizarre marriage, constantly apologizing for everything (even when it wasn’t my fault). I knew I had made a mistake marrying him when the sex was non-existent and he never wanted to change it. Eventually, I emotionally withdrew and refused to drink with him, and that is when he decided I wasn’t Madonna perfect. Not worth his time. I’m fine with him leaving, even happy, but we’re not divorced yet so I may be in for a long ride. I’m okay with that because eventually, I will be completely free from his “financial jail” and I will be a strong, independent woman.
Melanie, I appreciate all you have done for us survivors and thank you for your advice and encouragement. I see a pattern of Narcs in my past relationships, and I am becoming more aware of what to look out for, as well as learning to maintain my personal boundaries. Thank you!
Hi Sngela,
You are very welcome and I’m so pleased you are getting clarity and feeling stronger with your boundaries.
Wishing you incredible healing and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
these are outstanding. very valuable. particularly the 6th thru 9. how best to achieve closure? can you ever be on ‘friendly’ terms with them or have a cordial, amicable ‘relationship’ ? thank you, Bill
Hi Bill,
Thank you and I’m so pleased they resonated.
The answer is no, there is no healthy, safe, mutually respectful relationships available with False Selves.
You are only ever going to be a tool used for an agenda – period!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have already commented on this post, however recent events have lead me to share once more. Three days ago, I had a brush with death. I took an antibiotic that caused an anaphylactic response. I rushed to the hospital, and they saved my life. While I was on the bed, not knowing if I was going to make it, I had a spiritual encounter and conversation with God. I completely surrendered to leaving this earth, if that was to be. A peace came over me. I was ready to leave all the pain and suffering of this life behind. I imagined travelling to the afterlife and a feeling of pure love washed over me. I imagined travelling to a place where no one can do harm, a place of wholeness like I never knew before, a place that met the deepest longing of my heart. I was about ten minutes away from deaths door, just enough time to be given the medicine that would restore my breathing and swelling. Just in time, to be saved. Now as I sit at my computer typing this, I am processing my adventure, and the return to my life on earth. But I am changed. The warmth and love I experienced and the peace of God, still linger. I realize that this deep experience of love, is something I want to both fiercely protect, and share. While love is limitless, it is also to be respected. We also have a choice. I feel a renewed strength emerging, to honour the bounds of love, to say no, to that which would harm me, and others. Love is not naive. It protects, it does no harm. I can’t tell you how many times I have not protected myself from harmful agents that wish me harm. This is where self love has been missing. All the times I have sought the love of my family, in the face of harmful intent. I imagine I won’t be as be as likely to try and convert harmful agents in to loving ones. In my case, antibiotics have become a metaphor for narcissists. To really love, we must come inside and under Love’s protection. For so many of us have suffered by wandering outside the bounds of love. I wish for myself, and everyone who reads this, that we will all learn not to wander in to harmful territory, to rest in the truth of love, where our most truthful connection to reality lies. I am loved, you are loved. Keep on remembering.
Hi Rose,
I am so pleased you survived your NDE.
What a beautiful and transformational experience and I feel so blessed that you have shared this with us all.
Go forth and share your light beautiful Angel, you are here doing God’s work.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
As a mom, I’m terrified my just turned 18 year old daughter has been in a narcissistic relationship for 7-8months and while I have seen some warning signs and have tried to address them with her she doesn’t see them… until yesterday … he showed his true colors when she and I were out visiting different colleges… he doesn’t want her to goto the college she has been dreaming of going to since she was little… told her it was too far away and that he didn’t trust her to be loyal and that being that far away would kick his anxiety up and he would end up killing himself and he can’t believe that she would put a college over HIS WELL BEING!! Then proceeded to tell her how incredibly selfish she is for that!! He said he wasn’t waist of his time with her anymore and that he was going to break up with her… I made her call his bluff and instantly he changed his tune and told her that she’s the one with the problem and is the one wanting to break up! I am not kidding this kid turned jeckle and Hyde so fast I couldn’t believe the crap he was telling my daughter.. she is a complete wreck and is asking me to stop scolding her and telling her how bad this/he is…. the good thing is she asked to see a therapist which I have set up for her this coming week but what else can I do to help her?! She cannot stay with this guy… there are so many other issues I can’t text them all but this was the icing on the cake… she can’t not see him either she goes to a small hs where he’s always there in every class
Hi Dana,
He certainly has shown them.
Dana truly I would anchor in your heart and being that your daughter is strong, amazing and wise and that she will find her way with this.
Keep leading the way with her and letting her know her rights and truth and see her as ‘getting’ it too.
And she will.
Wishing this breakthrough for you and your daughter.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
What’s crazy is that I was unaware that I was married to a covert narcissist until after the marriage was over. He tried to get me back and I fell for it but then found out he had moved on and had a girlfriend. I wasn’t supposed to know, so when I found out he literally started treating me like complete crap. Then I had flashbacks to when we were married. He treated me like crap ever since the day we said I do. Almost like our marriage was for show and not for true love. It all makes sense. I always knew something was off but loved him so much and tried my best to make it work even thinking that the problems in our marriage was all my fault (which he made me to believe). It all makes sense why I couldn’t get him to change and why he never took any responsibility even to this day.
My question is…we have a 3 year old. My ex is now in a relationship with someone else (the same one that he dissed me for after the divorce when I thought he was trying to get back with me) I think for an Year and a half now. Do I need to worry about Hoovering if he’s in a long term relationship and also does having a child with a covert narcissist make me more susceptible to hoovering since I can’t go completely no contact because of the communication we have to keep open about the child who is still very young.
I am so confused, my ex said her ex was a narcissist, and always said I am a narcissist. I spoke to her ex, after she left me one of the many times, and this time was the day of my best mates funeral, he hung himself, she actually locked my keys in our apartment before she left, I slept on a park bench that night. Anyhow, her the first words her ex said to me were, how much did she take you for. I asked him to give me a run down of there relationship, he did, was like he was describing my relationship with her, fully supporting her money everything, constantly having to take her on holidays like every 6 weeks, weekends anything, if you couldn’t for whatever reason, she’d be mad, but it was never because you couldn’t take her or afford it, no it was how you spoke to her when you said it, also expected to take her out to dinner 4-5 nights a week, the few times we ate at home, I cooked 98% of the time, even tho I worked 8-12 hour days, she rarely did 10 hrs a week, mind you like him, I paid every cent on the holidays, including spending money, actuallly she rarely paid for anything for herself or anything. He like me was constantly accused of perving, couldn’t go to the beach, coffee shops were stressful, walking down the road too. Accused of being on dating sites, and she constantly went thru my laptop and iPad trying to find something on me, and as she couldn’t, I was accused of erasing things, which just didn’t happen. If she’d get something g in her mind, no matter if it were true or not, she’d be mad at me, and could last for days. So I read those points, I know she has read them too, as she used these techniques on me last time I begged her to come back said I was sorry, she left that time as I couldn’t pay for an airfare the day she wanted me too, I was waiting on money, knew I’d be able to a week later, but that wasn’t good enough, so for 2 days it went on, she was mad actually the more I tried for it to just move on. Or said sorry just to stop it, the worse it got, on the second day, she decided to ask me to drive 2 hours away to take her son to the airport, at the same time as another friends funeral was on, so I couldn’t take her son, so we were over, that also is when I told her I’d spoken to her ex, her reaction was, I didn’t really want to break up, but now we have too, as I’d spoken to her ex, oh then she started with he’s a liar and a narc etc etc, I didn’t care about anything he said, apart from what I was experiencing which he also experienced with her, mind you she’d tell me she never experienced a relationship like ours before, which wasn’t true, she was the common denominator here. So back to it, she used these techniques on me, she’d test me as it says, now we went from her expecting me to send her a good morning text every morning saying how wonderfui she was and how lucky I was to have her, I was happy to do it, as I love her so deeply, and I’d have to check in at least every 2 or so hours, if not I’d get texts with WTF and ????, so we went from that to, she got a new number, as when she’d block me when she’d leave me I’d have to call on private number, so now she’s got a new number, she’d go for 6-8 hours between calls, I’d still now have write her a letter and leave it for her, saying like the text, and like the text if I didn’t she’d be angry at me, if there wasn’t enough words in the text or letter, she’d get mad at me, so she did all the techniques above to me, I’m a normal guy, very simple and uncomplicated, I worked to pay my bills, I’d do everything she wanted, paid for everything for her, I’d rub her feet or give her a massage every night, I loved and still love her incredibly. When someone you are doing everything for and your paying everything for, I moved to a place she wanted to live made my daughter live back with her mum as my ex wanted so it was just her and I, and now I’m an hour away from my family and friends, so her using these techniques is just blowing my mind, I didn’t know what was going on, so my reactions, I start pulling back financially, I’m stressing thinking is she having an affair, I was so confused, so my reactions, made her start going harder on me with I’m definitely a narcissist, etc etc etc, has she communicated, things would have been different, to be honest she showed actions of a narcissist, as I’ve read on here, but from what I’ve read and learned now from a councillor I’ve now has to see as I’m a mess, a psychologist and psychiatrist can struggle to diagnose some narcissists, but my ex diagnosed both her ex and I, with no psychological training, and how many other people are doing the same. I’ve put my story up, Melanie, and many others said my ex is a narcissist from my perception of my relationship, I’ve not lied, I’m being totally honest, and my ex did something similar about me at a seminar, and was told I am a narcissist, I don’t know if she is or not as I’ve said. I know I’m not tho, I know I did and would have done anything for this lady, I’d have given my life for her, but we are no longer together, I’ve respected her boundaries, and left her alone, which is killing me, I pray daily she’ll contact me, so we can talk, I wish I had known she was on this site back then, as I’d have loved to do it with her, I believe we would have sorted things out, as we’d see common ground there, maybe it’s worth suggesting couples on here to talk to there partners about doing this course, seeing these videos together, god knows I begged to go to a councillor with my ex, all I got was, you’ll fool the councillor, thank you for reading this, I would love some advice, maybe please put this to the members here, as probably most people here have self diagnosed there partner, 90% might be right, but that 10% wrecks lives