Dear Melanie,
First, thank you so much for taking the time to write (and educate ) your opinions and thoughts.
It was important to me to hear what you had to say.
It definitely made sense and I can’t disagree with any
points you made.
In my case the good is so good most of the time ( unlike the ‘real’ narc I spent 11 yrs with ) that I have trouble giving it all up for the smaller percentage of
bad. As you say, no one is perfect and I can’t help thinking trying to find a new relationship is not only difficult ( esp at my age and online) but can be dangerous and with no guarantees it wouldn’t be worse. I have single friends who have been trying to find Mr Right for years and have awful stories of all the Mr Wrongs.
Again in my case, there is no verbal abuse or the other
mind games narcs thrive on. As I said in my letter, I’m not even sure if he is a narcissist. He was raised by liers and cheaters. He was abandoned by his father and later emotionally by his mother. He craves love and affection and to be able to trust it won’t disappear.
But you are absolutely right about not wanting to babysit or expect to fix another person.
If you love someone you want to help them… only natural. I guess it’s up to each of us to decide to what degree we are willing to stay around.
Thank you for your advice. It is food for much thought.
Your work is so invaluable to us all! Thank you.
Be well.
Cathe

Dear Warren!
Thank you so much for your insight and understanding! I think you nailed it pretty well! The continued best to you! 🕊

Hi Peter,

I thoroughly agree with you!

If you are forever catering to other people’s problems, there isn’t the bandwidth, energy or life-force to a) look after your own, or b) contribute healthily to your soul mission!

PLUS (and this is big) c) – it enables others to NOT grow up or take responsibility for healing and helping themselves.

I call it lose-lose.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

Hi Cathe,

I’m a little biased in this respect coming out of narcissistic relationships into a truly loving supportive one with my Soul Mate Glenn.

Marilyn may be more patient than me.

I don’t want to walk on broken glass.

I don’t want to have to always be supporting someone with my unconditional love when they are not able to NATURALLY be present and supportive for me.

I don’t want tantrums, jealousy and issues wth someone – because of their dire insecurities.

I dont want to have a “child” instead of a self -responsible adult next to me.

I am NOT responsible for another adult’s life – I am responsible for my own.

And most of all – I wanted to become a self-sufficient, self-generative female who could say “I don’t need this” because I am my own source of creation, strength and survival.

No longer did I ever want to have to “put up” with “less than” because of my own security and survival fears.

Each to their own.

This is not to say that life with Glenn is always a feathered nest – we are a couple and we are adults with histories. I can be triggered and so can he – BUT and its a big one – I have an adult by my side. Who has compassion, who shares my values who I dont have to baby-sit to have a relationship with.

I NEVER doubt that we are aligned and on the same “us” team.

He is a rock for me and me for him. It is vastly different from the “me, me, me” dramas I used to try to navigate.

Also, vitally, who I am in the world, and the connection to my missions, passions and contributions to this planet can NOT be sucked up and dry by a singular person – it is a global task – and trying to “manage” an adult who cant manage themselves was always detracting horrifically from this.

My life requires support, flow, integrity and care.

Not games.

Marilyn, this worked for her. But it is a dangerous idea to take on – if you are NOT clear about wht your life needs to be for YOU to prosper.

Prospering and your highest potential is STUNNTED by narcssists.

It is a complete fallacy that THIS person (the narcissist) is the ONLY person you can generate and have in your life, and be happy. Your relationships are always generated from YOUR own decisions, choices, and alignments.

I hope this clarifies for everyone.

Thank God I didn’t stay trying to be with a narcissist! My life would in no way be what it is today if I did – and if I didnt have the courage to get out, cut all ties, cop the breakdowns and losses in order to gain the truth of my soul and spirit.

And there is not a day I am not grateful for the light and dark, day and night difference that my existence is now WITHOUT narcissists in my life (at any level).

That’s my personal take on this!

I don’t despise them – they are what they are – and I KNOW clearly and firmly WHO I need to be and WHO I am.

It’s not a match.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

Hi Concerned,

my take on our own lives is to decide and stand in our own values and truth, and then people can step up into partnership with this – or not.

It may not be their choice to – but as adults our choice is the one we choose for our own lives – with certain people or without them.

The journey is to get to the level within ourselves that we can “innerstand” and go without certain people who don’t a) want to step up or b) simply don’t have the capacity.

It’s loving for all to release us and themselves into a life dynamic that is a match for inner values and truth.

Mel 🙏💞🦋

I left my first due to his lifestyle of gambling and not being the provider I thought he might grow up to be after us having our first child.

The 2nd I met at 38 years old.. and it failed for many reasons. But neither were nasty or cruel in how they were towards me.. no insults, put downs, name calling ever!!

With my current partner, The personal verbal attacks and onslaught of labelling and name calling has been constant on all manner of topics from my appearance to my achievements ( he clearly explains my lacking in all of these aspects of my personality and life, appearance, professional life etc ).

I had some insecurities about myself. He took each one and blew it up in my face. I didn’t willingly share them! I was stunned with pain so many times.

I thought I could handle it and where I may be failing, try to improve. But anything I did or tried to do was never good enough. I allowed it to continue. He joined a gym after 6months of us dating, being retired he had lots of free time. I worked.

I joined a gym on my way home from work to get fit and tone up.

He’d wanted me to spend more time with him so we tried half the week I would be home and stay at his the weds to Sun. This really caused a negative affect on my relationship with my daughter who was and is still living at home. She was 20. She could understand why he would not stay st our house and took it personal.
It’s never been the same. We had a lovely relationship before.

When he joined the gym I felt insecure. But it was his choice snd I would never have told him not to.. I would ask him about it and who’d he met.. it became more if a social thing for him.,

So it’s been up and down.. he’s bought me things which were lovely gestures, then turned into tit for tat.. look what I do for you and you do nothing for me. He wanted me to do all domestic stuff for him and I just didn’t think it was right that o do it all.. he did the cooking.. he says he had to learn after the 2nd wife left him. He seemed happy to do it.. and he’s quite particular about his food. As a full time working single mum, I had to find time saving cooking measures for my families meal times, so bolognaise, salmon in the oven with greens etc or using the slow cooker was my thing.. he would not have liked it. So I was accused of not being able to cook and how my kids suffered.

Weekends have ended in him stonewalling me. Making me feel so bad about myself, and what I cannot do, my hair, my skin and on snd on it went and goes.. my poor memory, being lazy, stupid, lack of intelligence, never on time, etc etc

The name calling got bad and eventually would leave his snd go home. Then if miss him and go back. , then he started to accuse me of being jealous when he spoke to other women., and I really didn’t think about it at first, but as time went on I felt so inferior, my self esteem was on the floor and I worried he would meet someone else., ( what a way to live) I would not say anything though.

How he treated me and still does, that’s not love. I ask him if he does, he never says unless I ask he says yes, then he declares I’m feeling insecure again.

Things came to a head 5 weeks a go. We’d been invited to dinner, by a couple of friends who live in his block whom we both know. They’d invited a couple of ladies, one was a new neighbour and the other was an older lady who managed the purchase of the new neighbours house. It felt odd that we’d been invited. The new neighbour when o was talking to her seemed to be everything (in my mind) that my partner said I was not. He was giving her quite a bit of attention and I felt terrible. My partner had had a moan at me before we left that night be sure of the jacket I was wearing. He said I would look cheap in front of everyone wearing it. I’d left so often I didn’t have anything else to wear. I had been upset from that point. I shared a little of my life with him with the older lady who was the estate agent. She said I should leave, that he would not change. When she saw he was giving the other women so much attention she said that it wasn’t right. She said he’s not making sure your included or showing he’s with you.. thus made me feel worse..
It caused me to react. That night we broke up.. I really believe he would have gone for the other woman.. I never want to feel like that again. I felt so alone and now being made out as the mad jealous girlfriend. I’m desperate never to feel like that again. But I also want to be a better person and am working on myself, my appearance. I have had some therapy sessions from two therapist. One who does hypnosis too so to get my self esteem back up. She is fully trained in abuse phycological and physical and says I’m being abused mentally and that he’s an extreme narcissistic person. She says I’m trauma bonded and why I keep going back.

I made the first move and messaged him.

I’ve been staying home more but have stayed at his.
It feels like he wants to know what I said as he is worried what others will think of him. It’s all about him., so hiw I feel is my fault and nothing to do with him, according to him. I
Is he’s saying I must have a terrible secret that’s caused me to be this way..

I feel like I need to go travelling to work out who I am. I’m not this mad person he’s trying to say I am.. I feel like I need to let him go, he clearly does not love me.
Now he wants to blacken me without taken ownership of his behaviours. In fact he thinks it’s normal and that it’s the truth. There’s been occasions where his 17 year old granddaughter has said ‘ don’t be so mean to her’ .. that felt awful.,
There’s so much more. If I’m a jealous person. I want that fixed.. but is this relationship normal?

I’m trying to install boundaries.
But I think I’m wasting my and his time now.. and I the problem?