One way or another, a narcissistic relationship will feel so intense, fated and binding that it’s easy to believe it is a soul-mate connection.
No wonder we fight so hard for these relationships!
But you cannot save a sinking ship if only one crew member is bailing out the water, and you cannot save a failing relationship if you are the only one fighting for it.
And it feels like a battle, because it is – a spiritual battle. You can be so focussed on changing the narcissist and fixing the relationship, that you do not notice how you are losing your own life-force, family, friends, interests, future and even your soul.
Join me in this week’s Thriver TV to get the truth about whether or not YOUR relationship is salvageable.
Video Transcript
Today I want to talk to you about a question that a lot of people ask, which is “is it possible to save this relationship?”
It’s a very painful and difficult journey to come to a decision about whether or not a relationship is salvageable, especially a relationship with a narcissist. This is why I want to simplify this for you and make plain how to identify whether your relationship can continue or not.
I will also be bringing you to understand how this isn’t actually about them. It’s about you.
But before we take a deeper look at this, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do, and if you find my information healing and helpful, please pass it on to others so that they know that they can heal for real from narcissistic abuse.
Now, how do we know whether a relationship with a narcissist can be saved?
Why You Want To Save The Relationship
Of course, you desperately want to save the relationship, because a relationship with a narcissist is never lukewarm. It feels like you are deeply, deeply bonded and bound. You feel such a massive connection that you can’t just say, “Look, all right. I’m done,” and walk away.
People often even feel like it’s a soul contract, because the connection is so powerful. It’s as though you were meant to be with this person – even the way you met and connected can feel like fulfillment of a prophecy. It was very, very powerful.
Yet here’s the deal with narcissist. Being with a narcissist is incredibly painful.
They don’t do team. We know that they can do really nasty, outrageous things. And we know that we’re getting severely damaged mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
Your life, your Self and your capacity to be in the world gets severely compromised. You are unable to be happy, wholesome and expansive, or to connect to the passions, missions and people who you would love to help, serve and co-create with. So it’s not just you that suffers, it’s everything in your life that suffers.
You will desperately want things to change. But what about the other person?
The Importance Of A Genuine Apology
In most relationships, you will be dealing with somebody who has got the capacity and the desire to make amends for poor and bad behaviour. They will take personal responsibility and have the humility to be able to say, “I messed up.” And how do people do that in a healthy appropriate way? They say sorry. They acknowledge what they did and they explain how they are going to behave differently in the future. And then they follow through on their promises.
Now narcissists don’t have the capacity and desire to show up in that way. Rather, a narcissist will immediately go into defence mode.
They will say that they’re not wrong. They’ll project and twist things back on you. They’ll blame you, gaslight you and pretend that whatever happened was all because of you. They will try to stop you from holding them accountable by confusing you, and they will not apologise.
Or if they do apologise, they’ll say, “I said sorry. What else do you want?” – apologies are either given defensively, or not at all.
Even if they don’t apologise, they may claim that they did. If you point out, “actually, you didn’t say sorry,” they will say “Well I just said it now.” That’s not a sorry.
There are some toxic people who will actually apologise, with tears, remorseful words and promises (that are never kept). That’s not a sorry either.
A true sorry comes from the heart. A sorry isn’t, “Well I’m sorry I got caught,” it’s, “I’m sorry for what happened to you as a result of my actions.” There is a massive, massive difference.
If you don’t get that level of accountability from a person, they will re-offend. And why will they re-offend? Because they have so much resistance to their own personal growth, personal responsibility and personal humility.
In other words, “I can’t be wrong. I have to be right. I would rather be right than happy, and I would rather be right than do team, cooperate or have any compassion or empathy for other people’s feelings.”
You will know if you have a genuine apology because it feels wholesome in your body.
With a narcissist, you can receive an apology and it can be very confusing. They will be grandstanding that they’ve apologised, but your whole being will be squirming and feeling incredibly unsafe and uncomfortable because you know in your body that you haven’t truly got an apology.
This person will re-offend 100% because they were never sorry for what they did, they were only sorry for getting caught – and they may not even be sorry about that!
Hurt People Hurt People
How does this behaviour happen?
How does anybody’s behaviour happen? It happens from a level of belief. Belief is what their inner composition is – what their belief systems are around that topic.
Now there’s a very powerful and applicable expression, ‘Hurt people hurt people’.
People who are traumatized and have a very tumultuous inner being are easily triggered.
When anyone gets triggered, their amygdala is activated and their survival programming takes over. All consciousness goes out of the window, as does their peripheral vision and compassion for other people, as does their ability to understand oneness.
Oneness is the understanding that, “At the Quantum level, I am you and you are me. If I harm you, I harm myself.”
Without this, consciousness is gone and a person is in singularity, which is “me, me, me! I’m triggered, I’m in my amygdala, I’m in a survival program. And if I’m triggered enough and unconscious enough, then I have no capacity to even care about other people.”
This is why hurt people hurt people. Narcissists are like that. They get triggered and then they’re like a runaway train.
It’s also important to understand that if we haven’t healed our own internal compositions – if we still have unresolved traumas in our life – then we are in victim consciousness and we can also be easily triggered.
We can even appear narcissistic when we’re triggered.
If we just look to the outside – blaming everything and everyone, and focusing on how or why it happened to us – rather than going inside and healing our triggers, then we’re stuck in being an unconscious victim of Life.
We can also be a perpetrator to others without even realizing that we are doing it.
The difference is that narcissists are so deeply unconscious that they never want to turn within. They don’t want to resolve themselves at the level of belief, therefore their behaviour won’t change.
What you have with them now is all that you will ever get – it’s so important to understand this.
If They Can’t Step Up, You Have To Step Away
So now to the answer – can your relationship be saved?
Honestly, in the 15 years that I’ve been serving this community, I’ve never seen one genuine provable example of somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, or extreme narcissistic behaviour, who has reformed.
What I have seen is people who were acting out, triggered, unconscious and addictive, who have been able to step up to match a partner who has taken a stand for themselves. Then they have been able to create a higher level of evolutionary relationship.
I have a perfect example that I love to talk about, of a beautiful couple I met when I took a friend to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
A gentleman stood up and told the story of his and his wife’s life together. He’d been an addict of great proportions for decades and in all that time she had been extremely long-suffering. She’d tried to get him into therapy , she’d lectured and prescribed, and her whole focus had been on him – on trying to fix and change him.
He never changed. He stayed an addict.
Then one day she woke up and she decided to embody her truth, regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing.
She told him, “I’m done with this. You can do whatever you want, but I am not going to live with an addict for one more day. So either you go, and leave me with the kids, or we’re going.”
She made it completely clear to him that she was no longer going to enable him to stay sick, and that if he wanted to continue as an addict, he would not have her in his life. And she meant it.
So he left. He went into therapy, and attended Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.
Six months later he got in contact with her and he said, “I’m healed.” She replied, “I don’t think that’s long enough. I want another six months before giving you a chance to prove you’ve changed – and you will need to do whatever it takes to prove it to me.”
So he then took her to therapists and meetings, and they all stood for him and vouched for him.
She took him back, and at the meeting I attended, she said, “No-one could ask for a better husband, father, and grandfather.”
He was standing nearly in tears, and he said, “She saved my life because I never had to change until she did that. And then I was given the opportunity to change and I did.”
She went on to explain that, “I actually didn’t have an attachment to whether he changed or not. I stood in what I knew was the truth for me. Either way,” she said, “I would’ve won because he would either step up, or he was gone from my life and a far superior replacement would’ve come in for me.”
That’s the real deal about our relationships with narcissists, addicts, selfish, unconscious or otherwise difficult or toxic people. It’s actually not about them.
People are going to do whatever they are going to do. We get to decide who we are going to be in relation to this.
We can choose to get empowered, and to stand in our truth in the Quantum way of ‘so within, so without’. We become able to generate our values, truths and beliefs in our lives when we say “no more” to people and things that cannot match us at that level. This leaves room for those people and things that can uplevel to match us.
In Conclusion
I really hope that this has made sense to you and brought you deeper understanding.
Remember, at a quantum level, what you accept today is what you’re going to get. So if you are accepting somebody that you’re hoping is going to change, then Source and the Quantum truth of ‘so within, so without’ says you’re accepting abuse, confusion, gaslighting and a poor apology that’s not even real – a relationship that you know in your body is dangerous, unsafe and abusive.
Now, you may believe that you are standing up and not accepting abuse by staying in the relationship, saying “No”, and lecturing and prescribing. But staying in the relationship is the ultimate acceptance, and so all you will get is more of the same. As per Quantum Law, your life cannot uplevel until you do.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the program I created for my own uplevelment and thriving – and it can do the same for you.
The healing modules of NARP will take away all of your longing, your pain and your trauma bonding. It will ease the pain that has you trying to fix an unfixable relationship with lecturing and prescribing. It will heal the wounding that has you hanging on to futile hope for this relationship that is crushing your soul, your spirit, your life, your future, your missions and your ability to have healthy, safe, wholesome love.
Just click on this link and NARP will deliver you into Thriving, just as it did for me.
Don’t forget to leave me a comment below, and until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love xo
Dear Melanie!
The first question that popped up is “why would I want to do that after everything that’s happened and after everything I’ve been through and continue to go through with this person!!!!????” 😱
There is absolutely nothing I wish to “patch up” or reclaim with this, so often, nasty and selfish individual….
There are, of course, unfortunately, material questions that need to be resolved and settled but some days I actually don’t give a rats ass whether anything gets resolved or not….
Things are so difficult and literally kind of crazy when it comes to those issues….😵💫 as a result I so often don’t have the courage or strength or desire to fight over anything with this person….
I have gone to multiple therapy sessions with her, as well as multiple couples therapy and absolutely none of it did any good. This include “spiritualists” as well. Nothing got better…..in fact things seemed to get worse…
I was ultimately, during the sessions, blamed for everything that was going “wrong” in the relationship/marriage…. it was a dead end…..
I didn’t understand how surreptitiously evil her motivations were through all of this, especially during the “sessions” but I have a much clearer picture now. I didn’t understand that, in fact, she had no intention of ever trying to make things better and had her own private and personal agenda through all of it and, that, is precisely why she ended up doing what she did and is subsequently doing…
Like the “cunning ex arch angel Lucifer” she had been laying out her “exodus” plan for a long time so going anywhere WITH HER for any kind of help was, including therapy etc., for me, a complete waste of time and money.
I’m glad that I know that now! Unlike other stories I’ve heard from other people where reconciliation became possible and they worked things out but in this case there is no possibility nor do I have any desire anymore to even make a single effort to re-create something that has long been destroyed….
I’m not sure if I fully understand or get the gist of this article, Melanie! It seems that there is always a possibility that something can be reconciled and, of course, that things could be or might be or may improve, but in this case there is no hope…..
These are the cold didactically crystal clear facts that I see every single day which, so often, is such a drag….
However, in light of everything, I have NARP now which I didn’t have available a while back…( thank the “stars”) 🌟
and that is giving me much more guidance about how to manage and handle all of this god-awful stuff that I’m going through in this life on this earth!
And as I understand, and I hope I am right, that taking care of me must and needs to be my priority in my life right now because I certainly can’t take care of anybody else’s problems….😔
When you write these articles for us I can’t tell me how much they help me and how much I appreciate everything you are doing…. Little by little I get a special feeling that I am doing the right things, now, and that I am heading in the right direction! Thanks to NARP! 🦋
Thank you so much, Melanie! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Peter, your letter is so real and from the heart. Your eyes are opening up. Your getting how deep down the rabbit hole NARCS go. Taking NARCS to therapy backfires totally because they learn the information, not to help, but to twist it around. They use it to take abuse to an even higher level.
Thanks to Melanie, I escaped my NARC almost 10 years ago. Went through a bankrupcy and lost almost everything. I had to make a plan and run away. Today, things are great and I have money in the bank again.
There is no way to negotiate with a NARC. Keep learning what Melanie teaches. It will all fall together for you. Like anything, it takes work and patience. The end result will be a new life you never dreamed possible. You will be NARCPROOF and be able to spot the next abuser instantly.
Dear Warren!
Thank you so much for your insight and understanding! I think you nailed it pretty well! The continued best to you! 🕊
Hi Peter,
I thoroughly agree with you!
If you are forever catering to other people’s problems, there isn’t the bandwidth, energy or life-force to a) look after your own, or b) contribute healthily to your soul mission!
PLUS (and this is big) c) – it enables others to NOT grow up or take responsibility for healing and helping themselves.
I call it lose-lose.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I left my Narc october 15th after almost 10 years of mind control Bs .
He recently sent me a text inviting me over with my adult kids with his adult kids for dinner Dec 21 .
All 4 children are in their 20s and close .
I said “Sorry but no thank you , still healing and nice of you to have all the kids together “
That’s all I said so I hope it doesn’t break my no contact run :-/ . I didn’t contact him
I think this was a bit of a blow to his ego but it felt so good finally take care of me and not try to please him .
He responded “As u wish , no need to say sorry “
Had to analyze that one ! :-/ wish I didn’t care but was curious if it was a potshot . I say yes . I am intrigued now how textbook he his
Anyhow so happy to be out . I plan not to be friends in the future because we weren’t friends in the past if they make sense
Melanie , here is one for the books.Next Feb.2nd . I will have been married to my narcissist for 60 years. I am 87, am told I look like I am in my mid 60’s, which is very flattering but I work out at the gym regularly and look after my health in every way.My husband is 82. I did not understand what was wrong with my marriage from about 3 months into it when narcissism reared it’s ugly head .I had no idea what hit me or what was going on, I felt it was all my fault.Now it wasn’t all bad . I would say about 60% bad and 40% good. .I was fragile emotionally when I got married at 27, he was 22 but looked older than me.We had our first child when I was 29 and our 2nd and third 4 and 5 years later, the verbal, and psychological abuse continued. I had no one to turn to or talk to about what was going on in my life. I was sad and depressed 60% of the time. Then things took a turn for the better for me, when I was pregnant with my third, I went to a consciousness raising session, all about Women’s Liberation, after I got home from that session I was a changed woman , gone was the shrinking violet, the bullied woman with the controlling abusive husband and overnight a core of steel grew in me and I became a fearless and formidable fighter…I laid down rules and I vowed that I would stay in the marriage , bring up my 3 children to be self confident loving human beings and that no one ever would ever exercise authority over me again ever and then the fighting started at least once a month we would have a huge blowout , he would sulk for three days and like clockwork on the 4th day he would make amends and so we continued until the children left for university . All this time I did what I wanted , all in my best interest and then the childrens.Then I left to spend 3 years in Venezuela, where we had built a house in the Andes for our retirement. By this time apart from being an RN , when we got married, I now had a degree in Psychology , was on my spiritual path, started meditation and healing groups, , did Reiki, and psychotherapy and continued to grow spiritually, my husband visited me every few months, he was a University prof and needed to work . I had a wonderful 3 years when I realized I needed to return home to continue to grow spiritually . Within 3 months of being home I left my husband and we remained separated for 7 great years, we visited , I spent weekends with him in the marital home then returned to my apt.. it was wonderful,never had a single argument or words in all the time we lived apart. we went on holidays together, then my spirit told me it was time to leave Venezuela and return home. I had spiritual work to do. Within days it was totally back to square one, I no longer had my own apt. I was now in his control again and the narcissism came back in full force, . After 2 years I left again , then returned 4 years later, stayed home for 2 years , left again , this continued for five times , altogether we lived apart for about 16 years . It was always great if we did not live together . Then the last time I moved back permanently because by this time I realized that we were in a very karmic relationship and there were spiritual lessons I was needing to learn that I was resisting and I could not leave again until I learnt those lessons. By this time of course I had read everything about narcissism and can now write my own book of coping skills. My life lesson was that of unconditional love for my self and for my husband, I needed to give up the need to be resentful or angry, to accept my husband exactly as he was without trying change him, I needed to change me, not him . Well it took me 5 years of hard work on myself and I am proud to say humbly and with great gratitude , that I did it!. I have learnt to love my husband, to give him the love and compassion he needs without any expectation , he now feels loved, he knows he will never be abandoned in any way, he feels secure now, is it all perfect, of course not, we still snarl at each other occasionally but it is over in minutes with no hard feelings on either side. He is still a narcissist but the behaviours are gone, he is softer. kinder , gentler but so am I . I feel so sorry for him that he cannot feel true empathy or love as we understand it, he is a brilliant man , well known in his field, there isn’t much he does not know, he is a mr fixit. and he is the funniest man I have ever met. He can still leave me in stitches just about every day. He is truly an angel in disguiseThe lesson for me in all of this is just the lesson of love, he has changed so much but he couldn’t have changed as much as he has if I had not learnt to just love him with no expectations.The lesson of the life I came to live was just to love no matter what, it gets easier every day. I just remind myself that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and of course ,the human/ego side does sometimes want to have it’s say. Thank you Melanie, for listening, you have taught me much over the years and every day I continue to learn more, it never stops, the learning and fine tuning-
Dear Marilyn,
Your letter was a gift to have gotten exactly when I was ready to give up on my 21/2 year roller coaster
relationship. Your journey was amazing and beautiful.
Love did ‘conquer all’ in your case. I’m sure this is rare and not the norm. Congratulations to you for all the hard work and fortitude it must have taken.
I am not even sure if my man is a narcissist ( have been there, done that once before and healed with wonderful NARP – thank you again dear Melanie).
I only knew some things were not right, too many break- ups for 24-48 hrs and then love bombing and tears, apologies, promises till the next go around.
It was always about an ‘ex’ who never stayed an ex.
I discovered he had gone back to her but was still with me. When caught he broke down in tears that he’s only human, loves us both! I learned the term ‘polyamorous’ which seemed to fit our threesome.
The confusing thing was how great everything else was in our relationship 85% of the time. No arguments, laughed ( like you said- best sense of humor) all the time, cooked together, enjoyed music together, love to snuggle, play cards, worked projects
together, love nature and animals ( we met because of my koi pond!), is a romantic like me, and we were perfect in bed. Last but not least he is 20 yrs younger- but made no difference to him or me. I also look ( and act) much younger than my years thankfully.
He came to my ‘rescue’ countless times with broken down car issues, home repairs, maintenance etc. As you said as well – can fix or create anything. He has done so much for me.
This was why it was so confusing as to what the trouble was. We have broken up 8-9 times but can’t
be without each other for more than 2 days.
As Melanie explained people who have been hurt, hurt others. That is very true in his case. He came from an abusive home life from 10 yrs old – mother abandonment issues, stepfather ftom hell… a true ‘Cinderfella’ story. He pulled himself up and bettered his life, owns his own business and is very successful and well liked.
I too started to feel sorry for him, instead of always angry and hurt. He seemed so lost and bewildered by his actions. ( bad) He does apologize, make lots of amends and is ‘good’ but invariably something triggers him and off we go. At least the ex is finally an ex. We became almost friends!
I was ready to give up this last time. I don’t have the energy for the dramas. But reading your story resonated so much I felt maybe it was meant for me exactly at this time. Maybe all he needs is undeniable constant love to help heal him. I know he loves me, we love each other – I just hate the small percent of him
that is broken.
Melanie- I would love your thoughts please.
For now I’ll try to hang in- we seem to be karmically
enmeshed- for better or worse- too.
Thank you Marilyn for sharing your awesome journey.
With gratitude,
Cathe
Hi Cathe,
I’m a little biased in this respect coming out of narcissistic relationships into a truly loving supportive one with my Soul Mate Glenn.
Marilyn may be more patient than me.
I don’t want to walk on broken glass.
I don’t want to have to always be supporting someone with my unconditional love when they are not able to NATURALLY be present and supportive for me.
I don’t want tantrums, jealousy and issues wth someone – because of their dire insecurities.
I dont want to have a “child” instead of a self -responsible adult next to me.
I am NOT responsible for another adult’s life – I am responsible for my own.
And most of all – I wanted to become a self-sufficient, self-generative female who could say “I don’t need this” because I am my own source of creation, strength and survival.
No longer did I ever want to have to “put up” with “less than” because of my own security and survival fears.
Each to their own.
This is not to say that life with Glenn is always a feathered nest – we are a couple and we are adults with histories. I can be triggered and so can he – BUT and its a big one – I have an adult by my side. Who has compassion, who shares my values who I dont have to baby-sit to have a relationship with.
I NEVER doubt that we are aligned and on the same “us” team.
He is a rock for me and me for him. It is vastly different from the “me, me, me” dramas I used to try to navigate.
Also, vitally, who I am in the world, and the connection to my missions, passions and contributions to this planet can NOT be sucked up and dry by a singular person – it is a global task – and trying to “manage” an adult who cant manage themselves was always detracting horrifically from this.
My life requires support, flow, integrity and care.
Not games.
Marilyn, this worked for her. But it is a dangerous idea to take on – if you are NOT clear about wht your life needs to be for YOU to prosper.
Prospering and your highest potential is STUNNTED by narcssists.
It is a complete fallacy that THIS person (the narcissist) is the ONLY person you can generate and have in your life, and be happy. Your relationships are always generated from YOUR own decisions, choices, and alignments.
I hope this clarifies for everyone.
Thank God I didn’t stay trying to be with a narcissist! My life would in no way be what it is today if I did – and if I didnt have the courage to get out, cut all ties, cop the breakdowns and losses in order to gain the truth of my soul and spirit.
And there is not a day I am not grateful for the light and dark, day and night difference that my existence is now WITHOUT narcissists in my life (at any level).
That’s my personal take on this!
I don’t despise them – they are what they are – and I KNOW clearly and firmly WHO I need to be and WHO I am.
It’s not a match.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
First, thank you so much for taking the time to write (and educate ) your opinions and thoughts.
It was important to me to hear what you had to say.
It definitely made sense and I can’t disagree with any
points you made.
In my case the good is so good most of the time ( unlike the ‘real’ narc I spent 11 yrs with ) that I have trouble giving it all up for the smaller percentage of
bad. As you say, no one is perfect and I can’t help thinking trying to find a new relationship is not only difficult ( esp at my age and online) but can be dangerous and with no guarantees it wouldn’t be worse. I have single friends who have been trying to find Mr Right for years and have awful stories of all the Mr Wrongs.
Again in my case, there is no verbal abuse or the other
mind games narcs thrive on. As I said in my letter, I’m not even sure if he is a narcissist. He was raised by liers and cheaters. He was abandoned by his father and later emotionally by his mother. He craves love and affection and to be able to trust it won’t disappear.
But you are absolutely right about not wanting to babysit or expect to fix another person.
If you love someone you want to help them… only natural. I guess it’s up to each of us to decide to what degree we are willing to stay around.
Thank you for your advice. It is food for much thought.
Your work is so invaluable to us all! Thank you.
Be well.
Cathe
A bit concerned, after reading some of this, that people may think they should be staying in a narcissist relationship, that they’re a failure if they don’t hack it out, and stay.
Hi Concerned,
my take on our own lives is to decide and stand in our own values and truth, and then people can step up into partnership with this – or not.
It may not be their choice to – but as adults our choice is the one we choose for our own lives – with certain people or without them.
The journey is to get to the level within ourselves that we can “innerstand” and go without certain people who don’t a) want to step up or b) simply don’t have the capacity.
It’s loving for all to release us and themselves into a life dynamic that is a match for inner values and truth.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I agree fully with your concern, this is textbook trauma bonding. To get away and stay away, you need patience, self compassion and unconditional self love. A lost soul stays lost no matter how much of your own soul you’re ready to sacrifice for them. Getting back together is a relapse, and the spiral goes on, only worse. I wish peace and contentment to all of you, no matter what path you are on 🥰
What about marriage vows, in SICKNESS and in HEALTH. I have never accepted crappy behavior from my narc husband. I have always called it out for what it is, no matter what sort of spin he tries to put on it. We have been married for 35 years, it definitely saddens me that he cannot or will not grow out of his childhood trauma that made him a narc. All three of our adult children know HIS situation. We can’t change it, only he can. We don’t let his crappy behavior slide. Does he cause us unnecessary stress at times, he sure does and he is the one who ends up destructing himself more than anything or anyone else. He knows we all know he has deep issues, no matter how many times he pretends he doesn’t. Our kids still love him, as do I as a partner. We enjoy many things together: our family, our pets, our DIY projects (we added on to our home together+many more projects), traveling and enjoying new places we visit. We are partners. We took marriage vows that I honor: in SICKNESS and in HEALTH. Our life is not perfect, no ones is……..
I’ve been in this relationship for 4 years. I admired him as a retired businessman and was (still am attracted) to him. I was blown away in the beginning and it felt good to feel that I was being treated in a special way. But within 6 months it began to change. I don’t know for sure if he’s a narc or just toxic.. I’ve never claimed to be perfect, just a loving working mother to two children now both in their twenties. I have a past and so does he. He’s two divorces. First marriage lasted 25yrsrs snd the 2nd 17years. He was open about them and said He cheated on the first wife, mother to his 4 kids, eventually leaving her for the 2nd wife.
I left my first due to his lifestyle of gambling and not being the provider I thought he might grow up to be after us having our first child.
The 2nd I met at 38 years old.. and it failed for many reasons. But neither were nasty or cruel in how they were towards me.. no insults, put downs, name calling ever!!
With my current partner, The personal verbal attacks and onslaught of labelling and name calling has been constant on all manner of topics from my appearance to my achievements ( he clearly explains my lacking in all of these aspects of my personality and life, appearance, professional life etc ).
I had some insecurities about myself. He took each one and blew it up in my face. I didn’t willingly share them! I was stunned with pain so many times.
I thought I could handle it and where I may be failing, try to improve. But anything I did or tried to do was never good enough. I allowed it to continue. He joined a gym after 6months of us dating, being retired he had lots of free time. I worked.
I joined a gym on my way home from work to get fit and tone up.
He’d wanted me to spend more time with him so we tried half the week I would be home and stay at his the weds to Sun. This really caused a negative affect on my relationship with my daughter who was and is still living at home. She was 20. She could understand why he would not stay st our house and took it personal.
It’s never been the same. We had a lovely relationship before.
When he joined the gym I felt insecure. But it was his choice snd I would never have told him not to.. I would ask him about it and who’d he met.. it became more if a social thing for him.,
So it’s been up and down.. he’s bought me things which were lovely gestures, then turned into tit for tat.. look what I do for you and you do nothing for me. He wanted me to do all domestic stuff for him and I just didn’t think it was right that o do it all.. he did the cooking.. he says he had to learn after the 2nd wife left him. He seemed happy to do it.. and he’s quite particular about his food. As a full time working single mum, I had to find time saving cooking measures for my families meal times, so bolognaise, salmon in the oven with greens etc or using the slow cooker was my thing.. he would not have liked it. So I was accused of not being able to cook and how my kids suffered.
Weekends have ended in him stonewalling me. Making me feel so bad about myself, and what I cannot do, my hair, my skin and on snd on it went and goes.. my poor memory, being lazy, stupid, lack of intelligence, never on time, etc etc
The name calling got bad and eventually would leave his snd go home. Then if miss him and go back. , then he started to accuse me of being jealous when he spoke to other women., and I really didn’t think about it at first, but as time went on I felt so inferior, my self esteem was on the floor and I worried he would meet someone else., ( what a way to live) I would not say anything though.
How he treated me and still does, that’s not love. I ask him if he does, he never says unless I ask he says yes, then he declares I’m feeling insecure again.
Things came to a head 5 weeks a go. We’d been invited to dinner, by a couple of friends who live in his block whom we both know. They’d invited a couple of ladies, one was a new neighbour and the other was an older lady who managed the purchase of the new neighbours house. It felt odd that we’d been invited. The new neighbour when o was talking to her seemed to be everything (in my mind) that my partner said I was not. He was giving her quite a bit of attention and I felt terrible. My partner had had a moan at me before we left that night be sure of the jacket I was wearing. He said I would look cheap in front of everyone wearing it. I’d left so often I didn’t have anything else to wear. I had been upset from that point. I shared a little of my life with him with the older lady who was the estate agent. She said I should leave, that he would not change. When she saw he was giving the other women so much attention she said that it wasn’t right. She said he’s not making sure your included or showing he’s with you.. thus made me feel worse..
It caused me to react. That night we broke up.. I really believe he would have gone for the other woman.. I never want to feel like that again. I felt so alone and now being made out as the mad jealous girlfriend. I’m desperate never to feel like that again. But I also want to be a better person and am working on myself, my appearance. I have had some therapy sessions from two therapist. One who does hypnosis too so to get my self esteem back up. She is fully trained in abuse phycological and physical and says I’m being abused mentally and that he’s an extreme narcissistic person. She says I’m trauma bonded and why I keep going back.
I made the first move and messaged him.
I’ve been staying home more but have stayed at his.
It feels like he wants to know what I said as he is worried what others will think of him. It’s all about him., so hiw I feel is my fault and nothing to do with him, according to him. I
Is he’s saying I must have a terrible secret that’s caused me to be this way..
I feel like I need to go travelling to work out who I am. I’m not this mad person he’s trying to say I am.. I feel like I need to let him go, he clearly does not love me.
Now he wants to blacken me without taken ownership of his behaviours. In fact he thinks it’s normal and that it’s the truth. There’s been occasions where his 17 year old granddaughter has said ‘ don’t be so mean to her’ .. that felt awful.,
There’s so much more. If I’m a jealous person. I want that fixed.. but is this relationship normal?
I’m trying to install boundaries.
But I think I’m wasting my and his time now.. and I the problem?
Yes i can