I have been looking forward to writing this article … really looking forward to it … because so many people, as well as spiritual teachers, have different theories on this.
And the confusion definitely spills over into the questions people have in regard to narcissists …
Are narcissists Soul Mates that we were meant to get it right with, but just couldn’t … or are they Twin Flames; deeply impactful souls called forth to surface and purge our darker pieces that they reflect, so that we can evolve?
Or, are they a hideous and terrible mistake of humanity that we just happened to get tangled up with, and found it so difficult to separate from?
And … this is a question so many people ponder …
Why do narcissists feel sooooo familiar to us?
So many people, on meeting an impactful narcissist in their life, said that they felt a deep soul connection … even akin to a deep soul remembering.
It really does stand to reason, that the narcissists we enmesh with are not luke warm connections.
If they were flaccid and unimportant we would not be stuck in the traumatic, painful dances that we are … leaving us with ultimately the choice – stay and be destroyed or leave and save yourself.
Logic would have saved us, we would have easily been able to ascertain that their malfunctioning behavior is not good for us and leave.
Yet, even when we do leave, often far later than we would have liked to, we still feel like our soul has been devastated beyond repair – and we may not have a clue how to bring it back to health.
People operating on the surface of narcissistic abuse recovery will tell you it is because of the abuse and the way that the narcissist has been able to engineer you for narcissistic supply – yet I would like to present this theory.
There is a much deeper Soul Contract going on here.
And, in this article today, I am going to expand on this further.
So … without ado I would like to share with you what my channel has to say about these three appropriate sections.
To me, a Soul Mate is someone who mates with your soul for the purpose of evolving your soul.
That being the case – everyone who has played an important role in your Life is a Soul Mate – meaning this “relationship” has offered you the opportunity of evolution, regardless of what the connection looked like.
This could be a family member, work colleague, friend, acquaintance, even a pet … anyone at all … including a romantic partner.
Yet, in regard to the romantic partner positive version, this is what I totally believe.
We are all Soul Contracted with people who match the composition of our Inner Being (which is where our Life is really being generated from) in order to provide the outer feedback of the relationship that we are having with ourselves, our Higher Power (Creation) and Life.
This is Quantum Law – so within so without.
This is what I deeply believe … when have become our own Soul Mate, meaning when we have fully mated our own soul (self-partnered), we will also attract and be attracted to and have the chance to maintain (if we are prepared to engage consciousness in our journey of “relationship”) a love-relationship with a healthy, fulfilling and pleasurable Soul Mate.
It all begins with Mating One’s Own Soul – to be-come to ourselves what we wish to receive from another.
When we “be” it, then it can “come”.
What does that self-relationship look like? It looks like this:
- We turn inwards to self-partner, rather than turn away, criticise or punish … as a life orientation, ESPECIALLY when we need love the most.
- We love, accept and see ourselves as worthy of our own and our Higher Power’s Love.
- We love ourselves and our expression and growth in Life unconditionally, without needing another to provide it for us.
- We are no longer needy, controlling or wish to hand over power in order to try to feel safe and whole.
- We love Life, our place in it and the unfolding of our Life without conditions deemed necessary to secure peace or happiness.
- We have released our Inner Being trauma, reconciled our past, evolved from it and opened our heart to ourselves, Life and others.
- We have resolved and healed our inner wounds to a level where we no longer need to continue doing relationships that bring forth the evidence of our still existing wounds in order to heal them.
Soul Mate relationships at this level have the following characteristics:
- A respect, love, trust and care for each other.
- The combination of two creates “more” for both parties and Life in general.
- You grow into an even more whole, loving, expansive person as a result of the relationship.
- Soul mates “get each other” and do not see the other as “not enough of this” or “too much of that” – there is the ability to unconditionally love and accept the other as they are.
- Conflict resolution leads to even greater growth, connection, Unity Consciousness and personal and relationship evolution.
- Both parties want to and work at expanding personal and relationship consciousness.
- There is a deep abiding love and attraction that is steady, and grows more and more over time.
- The old personal painful patterns that you may have struggled with – such as jealousy or neediness (yours or other people’s), fear of abandonment, not feeling seen etc. may be triggered in these relationships, but are worked through and heal and evolve into states of greater love, connection and solidness. This tends to happen honestly, easily and organically.
In essence a Soul Mate romantic relationship is the joy and gift that we come to experience when we have self-partnered, healed our own traumas and up-levelled into BEING the partner that we wish to receive.
It’s the only way – because water finds its own level.
We will only ever accept a level of love that matches the authentic relationship we are having with ourselves, and people will only ever love us, believe in us and treat us how we love and believe in and treat ourselves.
You cannot receive what you aren’t yet – it’s Quantum Law.
The great thing about Soul Mate relationships (when you have done the inner healing) is that they tend to come into your life very easily, and connect quickly and seamlessly.
They have a flow about them. They don’t contain anxiousness, uncertainly or fear or pain.
These relationships are a welcome relief after narcissistic abuse and are so worth the Thriver Work to get there!
Many people in this Community, as well as myself, are experiencing intimate love relationships at this level.
Here we are examining an intense, powerful, archetypal and alchemic aspect of relationship.
I believe the Twin Flame experience for anyone who goes through it is life changing – for good or bad.
Sadly, many people don’t understand the truth or true recovery necessary from a Twin Flame relationship, which is a make or break experience.
These relationships are for a BIG cause – they are not just about personal healing and evolution, they are also designed to bring forth collective healing and evolution.
As such, if you awaken to the truth, survive and then heal from a Twin Flame relationship, you have also helped free an aspect of humanity from the shadows into the light.
This is the alchemic part of Twin Flame relationships – they hold this truth:
The greatest of light is mined from the deepest of darkness.
And the irony is that we think we are needing to free ourselves from the other person’s darkness, yet ultimately what we discover is THAT happens organically and ONLY when we free ourselves from our own.
Meaning our own still existing unmet and unhealed traumas … that we carry epigenetically from our previous generations, from our childhood and as a result of the many deep traumas of the Human Collective.
Twin Flame relationships are about being plunged into a deep abyss of pain and trauma, in order to powerfully, cellularly transform and anchor light, to literally emerge from the underworld to energetically be a force of Healing for All.
This is about becoming a Being who radiates authenticity, love and power-full-ness – becoming a beacon who now leads others out of the darkness and into the light.
One thing is for certain … MANY narcissistic relationships come in on this level, and I will go as far as to say that everyone who has a Soul Contract with a Twin Flame (which is the majority of this Community) is a Lightworker who is here, at soul level, to help evolve humanity at this time.
The real question is this: Have we woken up to this yet?
There is so much pain in these relationships until we do get it, because the bond feels inseparable.
We cling to Twin Flame relationships, assigning this person as our Source of love, approval, security and survival in EVERY area of these topics where we have not as yet become that whole Source to ourselves.
We think that loving this person is our way to salvation – until we realise that it is only through turning within and loving and healing our broken parts back to wholeness that we can be saved.
When we finally realize this, let go and do the Soul Work that was always necessary to embrace and actualise Who We Really Are, then the Soul Contact with the Twin Flame is complete and the torture is over.
We no longer feel helplessly addicted and traumatised. We no longer want them, miss them or hold them accountable.
Instead, all of that is replaced by a deep sense of awe and gratitude that this Soul Contract happened to awaken us to Who We Really Are.
It is then that the rewards within our state of Being, health, Life and personal expansion start to surpass our wildest dreams.
Thriver Recovery from a Twin Flame relationship, is nothing short of our graduation to our True Self and True Life … the only version of ourselves and Life that would ever gratify us.
I believe that the experience of Twin Flame is “to get the soul job done” … it is a powerful Soul Contract to bring forth the VERY Being to help us achieve that.
As such a Twin Flame relationship will present you with the following:
- A deep Soul recognition, bond or familiarity.
- The faux promise of whatever it is that you feel you “want” in order to feel more whole.
- The deep undercurrent of pain and fear of everything regarding the topics of love, approval, security and survival that still feel shaky within, that you have not awakened to, addressed and healed yet.
How Twin Flame relationships unfold is this:
- Love, trust, teamwork, respect and kindness becomes seriously comprised.
- The union creates stress, pain and loss.
- You fear and dislike who you start becoming in the relationship.
- Each person within the relationship tries to change and control the other and cannot accept that person “as is”.
- Repeat and escalating conflicts lead to non-resolution, greater cracks and even more toxicity.
- Neither party works at expanding personal and relationship consciousness healthily. (If one party did the relationship would terminate).
- Obsession, discard and other love interests are common patterns.
- The old personal painful patterns that you may have struggled with previously are MEGA-present in these relationships, and intensify.
Let me share with you my story, regarding narcissist number 1 – the twin flame husband.
Upon meeting him I knew virtually immediately I would marry him. I literally felt like he was my other half – the male part of myself. The bond was SO strong and so seemingly COMPLETE that I felt like I would die if I tried to breathe a breath of air without him.
That feeling did not stop, regardless of the terrible abuse that occurred.
This is what I now know was the ABSOLUTE truth – he was the powerful, alchemic experience of a Twin Flame in my Life to FINALLY wake me up, get me to turn inwards and heal my traumas and self back to wholeness.
I needed him for that … because I had conveniently ignored and sidestepped every opportunity in the past to get that inner work done.
As a result, I was never able to step into my True Self, connect to my mission and fulfil what my soul came here to do (which so many of us who have been narcissistically abused are here to do) … help raise human consciousness.
How on earth was I ever going to make a difference, unless I took full radical personal responsibility to heal my own consciousness?
Hence, why I had the Life and Death situation with him, and he broke me completely to the point where there was nowhere else to go – die or turn inwards.
Thank goodness I did … thank goodness I finally got it.
When I did, the Soul Contract was complete … there was no more feelings of connection, obsessive love or necessity to have him in my life.
He felt totally benign … truly.
That is what Twin Flame relationships are about – they are the Big Guns I believe sent from Creation itself. They are the experience of being plunged into the bowels of hell, which holds the greatest gold to be mined.
That is the alchemic duality of Quantum Healing that reaches across all space, time and dimension.
When we up-level and dig deep and create a Thriver Recovery from a Narcissistic Twin Flame relationship it is nothing short of a Death / Rebirth experience of the Highest Order.
It is the transformation that humanity requires …
Out of the darkness and into the Light.
We are imprisoned when we DON’T wake up out of the trance.
If we are doing a Cell Mate relationship with someone it could be a Twin Flame intense relationship or a more garden variety one that is simply disappointing or stuck.
One thing is for certain, the relationship isn’t serving us, because we are not learning what we need to learn in it.
How do we know this?
Because things are NOT changing.
And despite knowing that this relationship isn’t serving us, and that we are not happy and we don’t want to live this way – we stay attached regardless.
The reasons we stay attached could be martyrdom, religious beliefs, or because of fears, insecurities or limited or poverty consciousness.
The reasons look like this:
- Staying for the children.
- It is wrong in the eyes of the Church to divorce.
- If I leave this person, I may never find someone else and I’ll be alone.
- I can’t make it in Life on my own.
- I can’t create a Life on my own.
Cell Mate relationships are extremely serious as far as Soul Evolution goes … because if we don’t face our fears and liberate ourselves from them into the deservedness of our authentic truths – we are NOT evolving.
Rather, we are dissolving.
I totally 100% believe that what we don’t heal and transform from within, we simply repeat, not just now or in our future … but in future lifetimes as well.
I have quoted Prema Chodren often, and I will again, because my favourite quote of hers is totally relevant again here:
Nothing ever goes away until it has taught is what we need to know.
Meaning … we will not be released from our painful patterns and disappointments until we heal and change the only person we ever have the power to change – ourselves.
And this only occurs when we listen to the language of our soul, get out of our comfort zones (which are never comfortable) and develop ourselves beyond the way we have been painfully living.
Until we do this, I believe we do the same dance with the same characters in different lifetime roles, over an over and over until waking up and evolving ourselves.
Then we are released from the lower Grade of fear and handing our power away that we have been stuck on, and go onward to new, higher and more fulfilling vibrational experiences.
When we are in a Cell Mate relationship we are stuck behind bars with them in jail.
We are asleep, and we may wonder how to get free of this person or this relationship – or be totally terrified of doing that – but don’t actually access the consciousness, conviction and honoring of our soul to make the change.
People die in jail.
People die even before they physically cease to exist.
Or … they finally let go when things become life and death (the outcome of many Twin Flame relationships), or not by their choice when they get devalued and discarded … sometimes after being in the relationship for decades.
The people who get out or are released are the lucky ones (if they choose to awaken) because if you are stuck in a situation that is not your Soul’s evolutionary growth plan … every aspect of Lifeforce within you and outside of you starts breaking down …. which is really your Soul trying to wake you up and evict you from the path you are on.
The Inevitable Questions
Can a Twin Flame relationship heal and become a healthier type Soul Mate Relationship? … and … Can a Cell Mate become a Soul Mate?
I really want you to drop questions like this, and take your power back by realising certain self-generating truths that will take you out of painful and disappointing relationships into ones that are healthy.
These questions are the ones you need to ask yourself.
What are your values and truths regarding relationships?
Meaning … things like monogamy, honesty, teamwork, respect, kindness …
If you are still in a relationship which displays the opposite, you will never have these things.
We GET what we ACCEPT. Staying means you ACCEPT that.
The next question is equally as important …
Are you willing to LOSE it all to get it ALL?
Are you whole enough to set your non-negotiable bar and be prepared to walk away if this person can’t meet you at the level of your values, knowing full well that if they don’t step up that you are a generative Source who can BE and then create “more”?
If you accept crumbs because of fear, you will never be able to create the real thing out of your Inner Being power center.
And … the most important question yet.
Have you done the work to meet, partner with and heal your broken parts back to wholeness?
Our original traumas have a lot to answer for, because they continue to generate the painful patterns and people that represent that trauma into our Life, regardless of how much we think we “know” better.
When we let go of “the outside” to try to make us feel better and turn inwards to do the work, at the only real level that we can – inside ourselves – then everything changes.
We loose attraction for and attractiveness to painful people … and our eyes and hearts open up to attraction to different and healthier people.
Those that can rise up to meet us DO, (these are the relationships which do transform), and we easily bless and let go of those who DON’T.
No longer is it personal – it JUST is.
And EITHER WAY we are at peace and in our truth.
And we deeply realise this was never about WHO other people are, or even what status our relationship was with them.
It was always deeply ONLY about coming home to ourselves.
Because THAT is the only way to love and be loved authentically.
I would LOVE for you to share your thoughts about this topic. Have you had the Twin Flame experience with a narcissist? Are you still struggling to break free of the enmeshment and the trauma of it, or have you been able to claim your liberation?
Let me know in the comments below.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- Should You Go No Contact With A Family Member? - November 14, 2019
- The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More! - November 11, 2019
- Am I Being Trauma Bonded? 4 Ways To Know - November 7, 2019