This question can be tormenting, and it can create great anguish. Especially if we believed we had learnt the lesson before, and that after recovering from a narcissistic abuse experience we would never have to live through another one again.
For many people, this is not the case.
If narcissistic abuse does continue to show up in your life, you really need to understand the Laws of Life and how your Soul plays out your life experience.
During the last couple of months I truly have received profound awareness about myself, about life and about this healing community.
Now is the time to openly share these discoveries…
It is always an astounding journey of life (and I adore it), when we get closer and closer to our Soul. It is as if the illusions fall away, everything becomes crystal clear and this clarity resonates so deeply as peace, solidness and truth – that we just know it to be real.
This is exactly my experience this year.
Today I want to share the REAL reason why you were narcissistically abused and wish with all my heart that the illusions will also fall away for you – and be replaced with a powerful knowing.
A knowing that could change your entire life. One that could change the entire evolution of your Soul.
And absolutely put an end to your pain.
The Grand Illusion of Life
All of us have been conditioned, as a result of eons of programming to seek our fulfilment, solidness and ‘fullness’ through external people and things.
We were disconnected from our True Self, not realising it is the gateway to connect with our Soul (which is the ‘state’ of love and wholeness we seek), and we did not realise that our personalities (the vehicle through which we direct our True Self) needed to look inward instead of outwards.
Let’s start with the truth in regard to narcissists.
A narcissist has come into this life experience as a personality disconnected from Soul Energy. This is the level of evolution a narcissist reached prior to this particular incarnation, and his or her personality is the ‘limit’ as to what the narcissist can use as his or her vehicle to express ‘life’ through this time.
Right on cue the narcissist arrives in the perfect family (like attracts like) which matches his or her level of previous evolution. This family is ripe for the further expression of being disconnected from his or her Soul.
This family represents abuse, emotional withdrawal and abandonment, or over-indulgence so that this particular personality stays further disconnected from his or her Soul, and instead plays out separation, pain, fear, ego and excessive entitlement.
The narcissistic personality seeks external power born from a great need to try to overcome fear and pain. He or she believes that his or her true nature is unacceptable, unworthy and unlovable and therefore seeks props – accomplishments, aesthetic beauty, recognition, intelligence, money, success, securing the ‘right’ partner, and or/ acclaim to make his or her way in life.
Please know there certainly are attractive, intelligent, successful, incredible people in the world who outwardly connect to and create in life as a genuine extension of Who They Already Are…
This is not the narcissist.
Ironically the very relief that the narcissist seeks from fear or pain is accentuated by using these props. What he or she discovers is: no matter how attractive he or she can sculpt his or her image, no matter how much money is created, no matter how ‘great’ he or she becomes at skills and talents, no matter how many titles he or she has after his or her name, no matter how big a property, or wonderful a car he or she gains, the fear and pain does not reduce but actually becomes greater.
The reason is the ‘more’ anyone seeks outside of self to try to feel safe, acceptable and worthy on the inside, the more strain goes with trying to uphold these things, make sure they aren’t ‘lost’ and there is a compulsion to keep expanding on ‘getting things’ when the initial feelings of relief and fulfilment inevitably wear off from the initial stuff that was generated.
Seeking external power is not a formula for getting out of hell – it is a recipe for putting oneself firmly on a treadmill of self-perpetuating hell, with no way out.
The narcissist, as we know (due to the narcissistic traits that are unmistakeable), is not a ‘full’ human being. The very peace and fulfilment, and self-love and fullness that the narcissist seeks (as every human does) is attempted on a path pointing in the opposite direction from the real deal.
The narcissist is not a True Self, (full and whole and operating in self-worth and self-love). He or she is a mirage living through ‘props’ and false power to try to feel authentic.
There are major differences between a big self (True Self) and a little self (egoic / False Self).
A big self is ‘Oneness’ – it starts from within. It is connected to the Soul Energy of reverence for self, life and others. The big self states “How can I expand more of me and share this energy?”
A little self is separation – It is disconnected from Oneness, and reverence for self, life and others. The little self states “How can I take energy to expand and make more of me?”
A big self is the alignment of the personality to bring True Self into connection with the Soul.
A little self is a personality positioned to ignore the True Self, and create a False Self instead. The False Self has no connection with the Soul.
What Exactly Is Our Soul?
We all have a Soul. Even narcissists have a Soul.
We have viewed narcissists, experienced them, and even judged them as ‘soulless’.
The truth is they are not soulless, just intensely disconnected from their Soul.
Narcissist have not realised that they are a Soul Energy having a human experience, and they have not realised that the only thing that really matters or brings authentic peace or fulfilment is aligning with Soul Energy – that is to bring the personality and True Self toward Soul connection, and not away from it.
The bigger the gap – the more the pain.
The narcissist has not realised that the only way to experience authentic power is to shed the illusions of fear and pain, and become authentic love and creation instead.
An enormous irony is this. Narcissists believe they are omnipotent – they want to be ‘God’. But instead they create themselves as a false God, a small god. Not the true God of Creation which is only available through Soul Energy.
Narcissists believe the more power, status and approval they create in their life the larger they will get. It just doesn’t work like that. By striving to be bigger through these methods they actually become smaller and smaller.
This is why no matter what partner they procure, no matter how much money they make, no matter how much recognition and significance or ‘stuff’ they secure – fullness, peace, authentic love and joy remains forever elusive, pain escalates, and the ‘need’ to try to escape the pain is never ending.
This is why in the attempts to hide imperfections, and cover them over with grandoise behaviour, the narcissist’s personality far from remaining hidden, emerges fully-blown and is seen for what it is – incredibly immature and dysfunctional
His or her self has become so ‘small’ that he or he sees this ‘self’ as separated from the whole. The pain and need to seek external power becomes so great, that the narcissist will go to any pathological lengths to ‘one-up’ and ‘take’.
The narcissist sells his or her Soul.
The narcissist has no concept of ‘Oneness’. He or she does not get ‘What I do to you is what I do to me, because others are me’.
The narcissist is not connected to the knowing we are all One.
Therefore reverence for self, others and life is null and void.
Our Soul is the part of us which is the Creator / God Self. It is Oneness, connection, it is ‘all that is’, it is love, expansion and fearlessness. It is the bounty of joy, love, truth, fullness and creation. There is no pain or fear in our Soul.
The Soul knows there are no victims, no villains, and only the incredible journey of everything we need to experience in order to shed fear and pain, and everything that comes to us is ‘perfect’ in order to create this.
The Soul know that the entire divine purpose of our life is to remove the illusions of our painful beliefs and become ‘heaven on earth’ – which is expressing our Soul’s True Energy through our physical experience.
When we are aligned with and channelling the energy of our Soul (tapped in and tuned in) we are massive. We are connected to life, others and all that is. We feel ‘love’ ‘joy’ and ‘fullness’ in abundance, and it is non-dependent on anything outside of us having to ‘be’ a certain way in order to do so.
When we are in this high vibration everything we desire flows to us easily. We are in tune with synchronicity. It is as if everything in life is speaking to us, bringing us what we need and granting us every clue and signal as to what direction to take.
We flow with the messages we receive from our Higher Self (our non-physical communication channels), and we ‘fill up’ constantly and then outpour back into life.
Everything we touch in life benefits from this energy in win-win ways, and we spread positivity, love and connection wherever we go with no shackles of pain, fear or expectations.
Additionally all we need flows back in abundance in perfect timing and in perfect ways because we are at one with ourself and at one with life.
This is authentic power.
This is divinity.
This is what we are here to accomplish and share on the Earth School as our evolution.
This is Who We Really Are.
This is our only mission, and the other ‘stuff’ we accomplish is just simply an expression of what we are creating. No ‘stuff’ is going to come with us between incarnations, and none of it is going to have any influence on the level of evolution (graduation) we achieve.
The level of graduation we achieve will be how truly fulfilling our life experience has been, how much we are real love, and how positively and incredibly we can share evolution and love with others.
By evolving ourselves, we assist in the evolution of our entire species. We help humankind escape the hell of the illusions of fear and pain, and we assist the coming home to light, truth and authentic love.
Nothing else is going to make you or anyone else authentically happy.
Why Were You a Match For a Narcissist?
Now is the time of truth, deep humility and self-ownership. This is not about guilt, blame or shame – it is about self-realisation – which is the only way to shed the illusions that have been destroying us, and keeping us separated from claiming the path to authentic truth, power – and the self-creation and sharing of genuine love.
All of us have been conditioned to disconnect from our Souls and our own authentic power, as well as any right or knowing of how to be authentic.
We were taught we were worthless, unlovable, unacceptable and ‘bad’. We were taught that it is only an outside source (as per conditions and expectations, fraught with punishment) which could free us from our pain (unworthiness and powerlessness).
We were taught to bend to narcissistic models to be ‘saved’. It is only a False Self that demands this type of malicious compliance. That is not love – It has nothing to do with Soul Energy or genuine love.
These False Selves created more fear and unworthiness within is, and energised our own False Self.
So it stands to reason that in this life experience you were not ‘full’. You were not in your authentic power. You were not solid and at peace knowing that you on your own were the feelings and knowings of love and worthiness.
Because you didn’t know any better than ‘look to the outside’, you were not working through the importance of creating your True Self as a reflection of your Soul…
…Then along came Mr or Ms ‘Wonderful’.
He or she presented exactly the ‘stuff’ that you thought you needed to get you out of your fear and pain.
Maybe it was the worthiness or recognition you may receive from others as a result of your partner being so attractive. Maybe it was the finances that could ease your fears of security. Maybe it was the skills and capabilities which could make your life easier and fend of the fear of trying to cope alone.
Maybe it was additional resources that would provide you with enough external power to feel safer, and satisfy your desire to accumulate more external power in order to feel more worthy and acceptable.
And of course the ‘doting love’ which made you feel like finally you were lovable and acceptable.
Everything Happens For a Reason
Please know this: Life does not roll dice, the evolution of you connecting back to you true Soul Energy is all in perfect and divine order. The Universal energy system is set at like attracts like, and cannot operate in any other way.
It is impossible for you to attract someone into your personal life and love experience, as a parent, as a love partner, as a boss or friend who is disconnected from their Soul Energy unless you are also.
When I work with people as personal clients or through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, these people are severely disconnected from their Soul Energy. This is why they are suffering so horribly and traumatically.
The bigger the gap – the more the pain.
The narcissist did not cause this – the narcissist simply accentuated what you already had going on.
The longer you stay, the longer your resist taking responsibility for connecting to your own Soul Energy and the more you will seek external power – trying to change the narcissist back into the person who was going to take away your fear and pain for you. And the worse it will get.
You need to recognise this… Because you needed these things so much from outside of yourself (through the narcissist) it became almost impossible to let go when the narcissistic behaviour started. You traded external power for your Soul Energy. That’s why you stayed, that why you can struggle to recover, and that’s why you can feel so broken, hooked and addicted.
You are staying connected and hanging on because finally the person who showed all the promise to get you out of your fear and pain is not doing that.
And you don’t want to accept that…
Make no mistake the narcissist was playing the identical game.
He or she recognised aspects of you that he or she did not have in order to try and fill inner emptiness. Such as the ability to be at peace, the ability to be real, and the ability to feel connected to life and others with empathy and reverence.
Narcissists don’t tend to target other narcissists – they go for people that do have a connection to the ‘light’. This is why many healers, and nice people who care about life and others can attract and sustain narcissistic abuse. Much of this attraction to ‘light’ is subconscious for the narcissist.
Rather deliberately he or she will go for people who can grant more external power. Narcissists are drawn to people who are attractive and / or successful, or who have intelligence and resources. Narcissists like to show off their partners as an extension of their False Self.
The all too common co-dependent and narcissistic ‘marriage’ is a relationship based on seeking external power. It is not coming from a true and genuine source of Soul Energy. It is based on trying to relieve fear and pain, rather than being an authentic relationship of sharing love and healthy fullness without need.
Inevitably the cracks appear, and when connected to a narcissist these cracks appear horrifically. Then your inner insecurities (fear, emptiness and pain) cause you cling on to this relationship despite the abuse.
This is why a relationship with a narcissist is a ‘make’ or ‘break’ deal. It is a powerful spiritual and Soul Lesson of the highest order.
The choice is clear. Am I going to establish my own Soul Energy – or not?
Nothing short of coming home to your evolution truth is going to stop the pain, or the cycle of this happening to you.
Be VERY clear. Your Soul wants you to come home – and this is why a narcissistic experience was placed ingeniously on your path.
How bad is your narcissistic abuse expereince? As much as you need this calling back to your Soul Energy.
How bad will your narcissistic abuse experience get? As bad as it needs to for you to let go and start creating your connection to your authentic Soul Energy.
If this relationship had been with a non-narcissist, and both of you accepted and embraced that you are Soul Energies having a human experience, then both parties could get on to taking responsibility, could work at aligning their personality with their True Self, connection to their Soul, and could heal together.
Be VERY clear – that is not what this is about in your narcissistic experience. The narcissist will not take responsibility.
You may graduate to that opportunity next time. This time the lesson is firmly between you and yourself. It’s about YOUR Soul.
How Does Your True Self Create Your Life
It is very important to understand that the state of your True Self (the unconscious you) is directing your life without exception to the letter. The messages you get from your True Self are your emotions. Your True Self signals to you how aligned you are with your Soul (love and peace) and how non-aligned you are with your Soul (fear and pain).
If you try to disown your fear and pain and try to just get the ‘fix’ through something or someone else (external power) – you will not tend to and work on healing your True Self.
And of course the pain just keeps coming – over and over again.
The only way to work directly on your True Self is to embrace the pain, admit it is yours and go deeply into it to discover what belief systems are not working for you. You need to find and transform the human illusions which are keeping you disconnected from your Soul Energy.
The narcissist simply won’t do this. His or her True Self is horrifically damaged, stunted, disowned and has been discarded by him or her and replaced fully by the False Self.
The narcissist believes the releasing of his or her False Self (which needs to happen in order to claim and work on the True Self) will lead to total emotional annihilation.
Due to the formidable ego constructions and incredible defence mechanisms fiercely and vengefully guarding his or her False Self, the narcissist is terrified about surrendering towards Oneness, and horrified of becoming ‘equal’ at any level with others (which is what Soul Energy is).
He or she firmly believes that to survive requires being superior and remaining separated in order to stay ‘on top’.
He or she feels that conjoining with the Oneness and reverence would mean no longer existing.
The narcissist’s pathological need for significance, manifested as a result of his or her deeply etched self-rejection has created this dire malfunction.
This is not your awful penance. You have not disconnected from your Soul fully. You have not become the energy of non-reverence – the ability to purposefully and maliciously wound, seek revenge, pathologically lie and act amorally with no care to self, life and others.
You have not turned away from Oneness, Light and Source in order to become a False God.
Because you are not a narcissist you have an incredible advantage in order to get on to your healing, stop your painful patterns, and to connect and evolve toward your Soul Energy.
Your personality (your mind and its decisions) needs to take full responsibility in order to do this. This is the only way to ‘come home’ to fully become your true Soul Energy and to experience authentic power.
This is where genuine humility and self-ownership comes in. This is about admitting that you have fear and pain, admitting there are parts of you that feel broken, defunct, not good enough, powerless and worthless, and doing all that you can to meet, heal and transform these parts of you which have been running the script of your painful life.
The incredible thing about Soul Energy is you already have this energy. You don’t have to create it, make it or ‘get’ it.
It just already is.
The more and more you lose the fear and pain (human illusions) that your True Self has been carrying, the more and more you just become this Soul Energy, this infinite intelligence which is connected to the expansive ball of love and joy, your Higher Self, life and ‘all that is’.
By clearing the junk – the pain and the fear – out of your True Self (inner emotional you) you open up the valve for your Soul Energy to flow through you.
Then you truly start living.
Global Soul Evolution
I believe we are in an incredible time of evolution – and I truly believe the narcissistic experience is a fundamental part of this.
This is it: the choice of LIGHT or DARK. It is the ‘battle’ that is taking place with humankind throughout relationships, homes, communities and nations – in fact this entire planet on an incredible scale.
Your Soul has gloriously chosen to be a part of this evolutionary choice.
Worldwide the consciousness level of the planet is shifting from the 5000 year age of external power (ego domination and rule) to conscious co-creation (the establishment of Soul Energy and authentic power).
Fear and pain doesn’t work anymore. Thoughts, feelings and actions sponsored from pain, powerlessness and fear no longer bring any results other than more pain, powerlessness and fear.
We are all being taught through this energy shift that the only way we can produce real and gratifying results in our life is to connect to our Soul Energy of love, fearlessness and fullness.
We can’t create from ‘need’ – we can only create from already being it.
During this consciousness shift ‘light’ is intensifying dramatically, and it is purging the ‘dark’. What was in the shadows is now being brought out into the open.
What this means is the illusion that there is ‘an outside’, that we are separated, and we are not responsible for everything in our experience is being peeled back.
We are all coming face to face with the state or our inner being – our True Self – as its results meet us (almost instantaneously) from the outside. The truth is becoming blatantly obvious.
There is no longer the ability to avoid what we are creating from the inside out. We are Creators – narcs are too. We all are.
The real question is: Are we going to create from False Selves (seeking external power) or are we going to create from Soul Truth (authentic inner power)?
It is an amazing honour to live as a Soul Energy who chose to be a part of this, and we must escape the illusion – that we are merely having a physical experience – to capitalize on this.
We need to understand the direct correlation between our inner and outer worlds. Because if we don’t recognise and embrace our Spiritual Creator experience, life is going to force us to.
It already is…
What I feel, when tapping into this shift, is that there is no turning back. The veil between inner and outer experiences will get thinner and thinner. Our shadows, our unhealed parts (fear and pain) are going to get flushed out into our outer experiences, and there will be no ability to hide or disown these parts any more.
They will be point blank in our face.
Which means the choice is heading towards evolve or break.
What this means for you is, you can take full responsibility for your own evolution, and then stand back and allow those that refuse to experience the repercussions of their disowned parts. It is not your job to help them. It is your job to remove yourself from the dark and become the light.
Don’t feel bad for those that don’t choose to evolve. Every Soul is eternal and is coming home – eventually. Because there is nowhere else to go other than back to the Oneness from which we all came from in the first place.
For narcissists severely disconnected from their Souls, Oneness and reverence for self, life and others, it may take many painful repeat lifetimes.
Do not envy a False Self. That experience is hell, and it is fast becoming more and more torturous every day. What this means is that narcissists will be in reaction, they will be thrashing harder to avoid the pain, deflect it, project it and punish others believing they are the cause of it, as they pathologically continue to disown their inner demons.
Don’t offer yourself up as the scapegoat, the battered dumping ground for the narcissist’s disowned parts. You have enough of your own to attend to – and you cannot attend to your own when you are being torn apart with his or hers.
You have to let go.
Self-ownership or not is the determining factor of evolution into the light and Oneness or being engulfed by more and more darkness, pain and separation. At some point there will be a cut off time – darkness simply will not be able to operate anymore here.
I don’t know when, but it is coming.
It is my greatest desire you connect to what your life and evolution really means. Please know in this time of incredible light and higher consciousness shining down, if you choose your true path of Soul Energy – the love, coincidences, joy and fullness you will receive is miraculous and incredible.
This wondrous energy of love and connection to your Soul Energy is available in astounding abundance.
This is the most direct way I can express to you what the gift of your narcissistic experience really is and how it connects to the true purpose of your life as well as the Oneness of humankind.
Now you can understand why this was all so meant to be.
I would love to hear your stories about claiming the gift of narcissistic abuse and any other thoughts you had about this article in the comments below.
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