Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Was I Narcissistically Abused?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This question can be tormenting, and it can create great anguish. Especially if we believed we had learnt the lesson before, and that after recovering from a narcissistic abuse experience we would never have to live through another one again.

For many people, this is not the case.

If narcissistic abuse does continue to show up in your life, you really need to understand the Laws of Life and how your Soul plays out your life experience.

During the last couple of months I truly have received profound awareness about myself, about life and about this healing community.

Now is the time to openly share these discoveries…

It is always an astounding journey of life (and I adore it), when we get closer and closer to our Soul. It is as if the illusions fall away, everything becomes crystal clear and this clarity resonates so deeply as peace, solidness and truth – that we just know it to be real.

This is exactly my experience this year.

Today I want to share the REAL reason why you were narcissistically abused and wish with all my heart that the illusions will also fall away for you – and be replaced with a powerful knowing.

A knowing that could change your entire life. One that could change the entire evolution of your Soul.

And absolutely put an end to your pain.

 

The Grand Illusion of Life

All of us have been conditioned, as a result of eons of programming to seek our fulfilment, solidness and ‘fullness’ through external people and things.

We were disconnected from our True Self, not realising it is the gateway to connect with our Soul (which is the ‘state’ of love and wholeness we seek), and we did not realise that our personalities (the vehicle through which we direct our True Self) needed to look inward instead of outwards.

Let’s start with the truth in regard to narcissists.

A narcissist has come into this life experience as a personality disconnected from Soul Energy. This is the level of evolution a narcissist reached prior to this particular incarnation, and his or her personality is the ‘limit’ as to what the narcissist can use as his or her vehicle to express ‘life’ through this time.

Right on cue the narcissist arrives in the perfect family (like attracts like) which matches his or her level of previous evolution. This family is ripe for the further expression of being disconnected from his or her Soul.

This family represents abuse, emotional withdrawal and abandonment, or over-indulgence so that this particular personality stays further disconnected from his or her Soul, and instead plays out separation, pain, fear, ego and excessive entitlement.

The narcissistic personality seeks external power born from a great need to try to overcome fear and pain. He or she believes that his or her true nature is unacceptable, unworthy and unlovable and therefore seeks props – accomplishments, aesthetic beauty, recognition, intelligence, money, success, securing the ‘right’ partner, and or/ acclaim to make his or her way in life.

Please know there certainly are attractive, intelligent, successful, incredible people in the world who outwardly connect to and create in life as a genuine extension of Who They Already Are…

This is not the narcissist.

Ironically the very relief that the narcissist seeks from fear or pain is accentuated by using these props. What he or she discovers is: no matter how attractive he or she can sculpt his or her image, no matter how much money is created, no matter how ‘great’ he or she becomes at skills and talents, no matter how many titles he or she has after his or her name, no matter how big a property, or wonderful a car he or she gains, the fear and pain does not reduce but actually becomes greater.

The reason is the ‘more’ anyone seeks outside of self to try to feel safe, acceptable and worthy on the inside, the more strain goes with trying to uphold these things, make sure they aren’t ‘lost’ and there is a compulsion to keep expanding on ‘getting things’ when the initial feelings of relief and fulfilment inevitably wear off from the initial stuff that was generated.

Seeking external power is not a formula for getting out of hell – it is a recipe for putting oneself firmly on a treadmill of self-perpetuating hell, with no way out.

The narcissist, as we know (due to the narcissistic traits that are unmistakeable), is not a ‘full’ human being. The very peace and fulfilment, and self-love and fullness that the narcissist seeks (as every human does) is attempted on a path pointing in the opposite direction from the real deal.

The narcissist is not a True Self, (full and whole and operating in self-worth and self-love). He or she is a mirage living through ‘props’ and false power to try to feel authentic.

There are major differences between a big self (True Self) and a little self (egoic / False Self).

A big self is ‘Oneness’ – it starts from within. It is connected to the Soul Energy of reverence for self, life and others. The big self states “How can I expand more of me and share this energy?”

A little self is separation – It is disconnected from Oneness, and reverence for self, life and others. The little self states “How can I take energy to expand and make more of me?”

A big self is the alignment of the personality to bring True Self into connection with the Soul.

A little self is a personality positioned to ignore the True Self, and create a False Self instead. The False Self has no connection with the Soul.

 

What Exactly Is Our Soul?

We all have a Soul. Even narcissists have a Soul.

We have viewed narcissists, experienced them, and even judged them as ‘soulless’.

The truth is they are not soulless, just intensely disconnected from their Soul.

Narcissist have not realised that they are a Soul Energy having a human experience, and they have not realised that the only thing that really matters or brings authentic peace or fulfilment is aligning with Soul Energy – that is to bring the personality and True Self toward Soul connection, and not away from it.

The bigger the gap – the more the pain.

The narcissist has not realised that the only way to experience authentic power is to shed the illusions of fear and pain, and become authentic love and creation instead.

An enormous irony is this. Narcissists believe they are omnipotent – they want to be ‘God’. But instead they create themselves as a false God, a small god. Not the true God of Creation which is only available through Soul Energy.

Narcissists believe the more power, status and approval they create in their life the larger they will get. It just doesn’t work like that. By striving to be bigger through these methods they actually become smaller and smaller.

This is why no matter what partner they procure, no matter how much money they make, no matter how much recognition and significance or ‘stuff’ they secure – fullness, peace, authentic love and joy remains forever elusive, pain escalates, and the ‘need’ to try to escape the pain is never ending.

This is why in the attempts to hide imperfections, and cover them over with grandoise behaviour, the narcissist’s personality far from remaining hidden, emerges fully-blown and is seen for what it is – incredibly immature and dysfunctional

His or her self has become so ‘small’ that he or he sees this ‘self’ as separated from the whole. The pain and need to seek external power becomes so great, that the narcissist will go to any pathological lengths to ‘one-up’ and ‘take’.

The narcissist sells his or her Soul.

The narcissist has no concept of ‘Oneness’. He or she does not get ‘What I do to you is what I do to me, because others are me’.

The narcissist is not connected to the knowing we are all One.

Therefore reverence for self, others and life is null and void.

Our Soul is the part of us which is the Creator / God Self. It is Oneness, connection, it is ‘all that is’, it is love, expansion and fearlessness. It is the bounty of joy, love, truth, fullness and creation. There is no pain or fear in our Soul.

The Soul knows there are no victims, no villains, and only the incredible journey of everything we need to experience in order to shed fear and pain, and everything that comes to us is ‘perfect’ in order to create this.

The Soul know that the entire divine purpose of our life is to remove the illusions of our painful beliefs and become ‘heaven on earth’ – which is expressing our Soul’s True Energy through our physical experience.

When we are aligned with and channelling the energy of our Soul (tapped in and tuned in) we are massive. We are connected to life, others and all that is. We feel ‘love’ ‘joy’ and ‘fullness’ in abundance, and it is non-dependent on anything outside of us having to ‘be’ a certain way in order to do so.

When we are in this high vibration everything we desire flows to us easily. We are in tune with synchronicity. It is as if everything in life is speaking to us, bringing us what we need and granting us every clue and signal as to what direction to take.

We flow with the messages we receive from our Higher Self (our non-physical communication channels), and we ‘fill up’ constantly and then outpour back into life.

Everything we touch in life benefits from this energy in win-win ways, and we spread positivity, love and connection wherever we go with no shackles of pain, fear or expectations.

Additionally all we need flows back in abundance in perfect timing and in perfect ways because we are at one with ourself and at one with life.

This is authentic power.

This is divinity.

This is what we are here to accomplish and share on the Earth School as our evolution.

This is Who We Really Are.

This is our only mission, and the other ‘stuff’ we accomplish is just simply an expression of what we are creating. No ‘stuff’ is going to come with us between incarnations, and none of it is going to have any influence on the level of evolution (graduation) we achieve.

The level of graduation we achieve will be how truly fulfilling our life experience has been, how much we are real love, and how positively and incredibly we can share evolution and love with others.

By evolving ourselves, we assist in the evolution of our entire species. We help humankind escape the hell of the illusions of fear and pain, and we assist the coming home to light, truth and authentic love.

Nothing else is going to make you or anyone else authentically happy.

 

Why Were You a Match For a Narcissist?

Now is the time of truth, deep humility and self-ownership. This is not about guilt, blame or shame – it is about self-realisation – which is the only way to shed the illusions that have been destroying us, and keeping us separated from claiming the path to authentic truth, power – and the self-creation and sharing of genuine love.

All of us have been conditioned to disconnect from our Souls and our own authentic power, as well as any right or knowing of how to be authentic.

We were taught we were worthless, unlovable, unacceptable and ‘bad’. We were taught that it is only an outside source (as per conditions and expectations, fraught with punishment) which could free us from our pain (unworthiness and powerlessness).

We were taught to bend to narcissistic models to be ‘saved’. It is only a False Self that demands this type of malicious compliance. That is not love – It has nothing to do with Soul Energy or genuine love.

These False Selves created more fear and unworthiness within is, and energised our own False Self.

So it stands to reason that in this life experience you were not ‘full’. You were not in your authentic power. You were not solid and at peace knowing that you on your own were the feelings and knowings of love and worthiness.

Because you didn’t know any better than ‘look to the outside’, you were not working through the importance of creating your True Self as a reflection of your Soul…

…Then along came Mr or Ms ‘Wonderful’.

He or she presented exactly the ‘stuff’ that you thought you needed to get you out of your fear and pain.

Maybe it was the worthiness or recognition you may receive from others as a result of your partner being so attractive. Maybe it was the finances that could ease your fears of security. Maybe it was the skills and capabilities which could make your life easier and fend of the fear of trying to cope alone.

Maybe it was additional resources that would provide you with enough external power to feel safer, and satisfy your desire to accumulate more external power in order to feel more worthy and acceptable.

And of course the ‘doting love’ which made you feel like finally you were lovable and acceptable.

 

Everything Happens For a Reason

Please know this: Life does not roll dice, the evolution of you connecting back to you true Soul Energy is all in perfect and divine order. The Universal energy system is set at like attracts like, and cannot operate in any other way.

It is impossible for you to attract someone into your personal life and love experience, as a parent, as a love partner, as a boss or friend who is disconnected from their Soul Energy unless you are also.

When I work with people as personal clients or through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, these people are severely disconnected from their Soul Energy. This is why they are suffering so horribly and traumatically.

The bigger the gap – the more the pain.

The narcissist did not cause this – the narcissist simply accentuated what you already had going on.

The longer you stay, the longer your resist taking responsibility for connecting to your own Soul Energy and the more you will seek external power – trying to change the narcissist back into the person who was going to take away your fear and pain for you. And the worse it will get.

You need to recognise this… Because you needed these things so much from outside of yourself (through the narcissist) it became almost impossible to let go when the narcissistic behaviour started. You traded external power for your Soul Energy. That’s why you stayed, that why you can struggle to recover, and that’s why you can feel so broken, hooked and addicted.

You are staying connected and hanging on because finally the person who showed all the promise to get you out of your fear and pain is not doing that.

And you don’t want to accept that…

Make no mistake the narcissist was playing the identical game.

He or she recognised aspects of you that he or she did not have in order to try and fill inner emptiness. Such as the ability to be at peace, the ability to be real, and the ability to feel  connected to life and others with empathy and reverence.

Narcissists don’t tend to target other narcissists – they go for people that do have a connection to the ‘light’. This is why many healers, and nice people who care about life and others can attract and sustain narcissistic abuse. Much of this attraction to ‘light’ is subconscious for the narcissist.

Rather deliberately he or she will go for people who can grant more external power. Narcissists are drawn to people who are attractive and / or successful, or who have intelligence and resources. Narcissists like to show off their partners as an extension of their False Self.

The all too common co-dependent and narcissistic ‘marriage’ is a relationship based on seeking external power. It is not coming from a true and genuine source of Soul Energy. It is based on trying to relieve fear and pain, rather than being an authentic relationship of sharing love and healthy fullness without need.

Inevitably the cracks appear, and when connected to a narcissist these cracks appear horrifically. Then your inner insecurities (fear, emptiness and pain) cause you cling on to this relationship despite the abuse.

This is why a relationship with a narcissist is a ‘make’ or ‘break’ deal. It is a powerful spiritual and Soul Lesson of the highest order.

The choice is clear. Am I going to establish my own Soul Energy – or not?

Nothing short of coming home to your evolution truth is going to stop the pain, or the cycle of this happening to you.

Be VERY clear. Your Soul wants you to come home – and this is why a narcissistic experience was placed ingeniously on your path.

How bad is your narcissistic abuse expereince? As much as you need this calling back to your Soul Energy.

How bad will your narcissistic abuse experience get? As bad as it needs to for you to let go and start creating your connection to your authentic Soul Energy.

If this relationship had been with a non-narcissist, and both of you accepted and embraced that you are Soul Energies having a human experience, then both parties could get on to taking responsibility, could work at aligning their personality with their True Self, connection to their Soul, and could heal together.

Be VERY clear – that is not what this is about in your narcissistic experience. The narcissist will not take responsibility.

You may graduate to that opportunity next time. This time the lesson is firmly between you and yourself. It’s about YOUR Soul.

 

How Does Your True Self Create Your Life

It is very important to understand that the state of your True Self (the unconscious you) is directing your life without exception to the letter. The messages you get from your True Self are your emotions. Your True Self signals to you how aligned you are with your Soul (love and peace) and how non-aligned you are with your Soul (fear and pain).

If you try to disown your fear and pain and try to just get the ‘fix’ through something or someone else (external power) – you will not tend to and work on healing your True Self.

And of course the pain just keeps coming – over and over again.

The only way to work directly on your True Self is to embrace the pain, admit it is yours and go deeply into it to discover what belief systems are not working for you. You need to find and transform the human illusions which are keeping you disconnected from your Soul Energy.

The narcissist simply won’t do this. His or her True Self is horrifically damaged, stunted, disowned and has been discarded by him or her and replaced fully by the False Self.

The narcissist believes the releasing of his or her False Self (which needs to happen in order to claim and work on the True Self) will lead to total emotional annihilation.

Due to the formidable ego constructions and incredible defence mechanisms fiercely and vengefully guarding his or her False Self, the narcissist is terrified about surrendering towards Oneness, and horrified of becoming ‘equal’ at any level with others (which is what Soul Energy is).

He or she firmly believes that to survive requires being superior and remaining separated in order to stay ‘on top’.

He or she feels that conjoining with the Oneness and reverence would mean no longer existing.

The narcissist’s pathological need for significance, manifested as a result of his or her deeply etched self-rejection has created this dire malfunction.

This is not your awful penance. You have not disconnected from your Soul fully. You have not become the energy of non-reverence – the ability to purposefully and maliciously wound, seek revenge, pathologically lie and act amorally with no care to self, life and others.

You have not turned away from Oneness, Light and Source in order to become a False God.

Because you are not a narcissist you have an incredible advantage in order to get on to your healing, stop your painful patterns, and to connect and evolve toward your Soul Energy.

Your personality (your mind and its decisions) needs to take full responsibility in order to do this. This is the only way to ‘come home’ to fully become your true Soul Energy and to experience authentic power.

This is where genuine humility and self-ownership comes in. This is about admitting that you have fear and pain, admitting there are parts of you that feel broken, defunct, not good enough, powerless and worthless, and doing all that you can to meet, heal and transform these parts of you which have been running the script of your painful life.

The incredible thing about Soul Energy is you already have this energy. You don’t have to create it, make it or ‘get’ it.

It just already is.

The more and more you lose the fear and pain (human illusions) that your True Self has been carrying, the more and more you just become this Soul Energy, this infinite intelligence which is connected to the expansive ball of love and joy, your Higher Self, life and ‘all that is’.

By clearing the junk – the pain and the fear – out of your True Self (inner emotional you) you open up the valve for your Soul Energy to flow through you.

Then you truly start living.

 

Global Soul Evolution

I believe we are in an incredible time of evolution – and I truly believe the narcissistic experience is a fundamental part of this.

This is it: the choice of LIGHT or DARK. It is the ‘battle’ that is taking place with humankind throughout relationships, homes, communities and nations – in fact this entire planet on an incredible scale.

Your Soul has gloriously chosen to be a part of this evolutionary choice.

Worldwide the consciousness level of the planet is shifting from the 5000 year age of external power (ego domination and rule) to conscious co-creation (the establishment of Soul Energy and authentic power).

Fear and pain doesn’t work anymore. Thoughts, feelings and actions sponsored from pain, powerlessness and fear no longer bring any results other than more pain, powerlessness and fear.

We are all being taught through this energy shift that the only way we can produce real and gratifying results in our life is to connect to our Soul Energy of love, fearlessness and fullness.

We can’t create from ‘need’ – we can only create from already being it.

During this consciousness shift ‘light’ is intensifying dramatically, and it is purging the ‘dark’. What was in the shadows is now being brought out into the open.

What this means is the illusion that there is ‘an outside’, that we are separated, and we are not responsible for everything in our experience is being peeled back.

We are all coming face to face with the state or our inner being – our True Self – as its results meet us (almost instantaneously) from the outside. The truth is becoming blatantly obvious.

There is no longer the ability to avoid what we are creating from the inside out. We are Creators – narcs are too. We all are.

The real question is: Are we going to create from False Selves (seeking external power) or are we going to create from Soul Truth (authentic inner power)?

It is an amazing honour to live as a Soul Energy who chose to be a part of this, and we must escape the illusion – that we are merely having a physical experience – to capitalize on this.

We need to understand the direct correlation between our inner and outer worlds. Because if we don’t recognise and embrace our Spiritual Creator experience, life is going to force us to.

It already is…

What I feel, when tapping into this shift, is that there is no turning back. The veil between inner and outer experiences will get thinner and thinner. Our shadows, our unhealed parts (fear and pain) are going to get flushed out into our outer experiences, and there will be no ability to hide or disown these parts any more.

They will be point blank in our face.

Which means the choice is heading towards evolve or break.

What this means for you is, you can take full responsibility for your own evolution, and then stand back and allow those that refuse to experience the repercussions of their disowned parts. It is not your job to help them. It is your job to remove yourself from the dark and become the light.

Don’t feel bad for those that don’t choose to evolve. Every Soul is eternal and is coming home – eventually. Because there is nowhere else to go other than back to the Oneness from which we all came from in the first place.

For narcissists severely disconnected from their Souls, Oneness and reverence for self, life and others, it may take many painful repeat lifetimes.

Do not envy a False Self. That experience is hell, and it is fast becoming more and more torturous every day. What this means is that narcissists will be in reaction, they will be thrashing harder to avoid the pain, deflect it, project it and punish others believing they are the cause of it, as they pathologically continue to disown their inner demons.

Don’t offer yourself up as the scapegoat, the battered dumping ground for the narcissist’s disowned parts. You have enough of your own to attend to – and you cannot attend to your own when you are being torn apart with his or hers.

You have to let go.

Self-ownership or not is the determining factor of evolution into the light and Oneness or being engulfed by more and more darkness, pain and separation. At some point there will be a cut off time – darkness simply will not be able to operate anymore here.

I don’t know when, but it is coming.

It is my greatest desire you connect to what your life and evolution really means. Please know in this time of incredible light and higher consciousness shining down, if you choose your true path of Soul Energy – the love, coincidences, joy and fullness you will receive is miraculous and incredible.

This wondrous energy of love and connection to your Soul Energy is available in astounding abundance.

This is the most direct way I can express to you what the gift of your narcissistic experience really is and how it connects to the true purpose of your life as well as the Oneness of humankind.

Now you can understand why this was all so meant to be.

I would love to hear your stories about claiming the gift of narcissistic abuse and any other thoughts you had about this article in the comments below.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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135 Thoughts on Why Was I Narcissistically Abused?
  • janetereseandrews@bigpond.com'
    Jane
    February 8, 2013

    Hi Mel, thank you for a powerful message. There really is an increase in the earth’s vibrational energy and it feels quite intense. I know you are right about the narc’s feeling it too. My ex narc tries to contact me once a month and I know that the monster is no longer hidden to me but is on display in full technicolor. His desperation and inhuman form is grotesque and fascinating. I was not connected to my soul when I met him despite my lifestyle and achievements and I certainly did get beaten up by life to an extent that I was obviously in need of a drastic wake up call. I can hardly recognise the old me and feel like I was asleep for a very long time. Before I got the lesson and the gift, I wanted to leave the planet as the pain and problems seemed unbearable. In contrast today, life is joyous and I have had wonderful friends and opportunities come into my life after letting go of my ex narc and the associated pain and fear and coming home to myself. XXJ

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      you are so welcome!

      Thank you for your gracious post, which is so inspirational for this community and for your incredible humility – which is so pure and divine.

      Your story epitomises Soul growth and the gift of narcissistic abuse prefectly – and I totally concur.

      It is about transcending from the bowels of hell into the heaven of our true vibration.

      And how blessed were we to have had the experience to do it…

      Mel xo

    • susannicolaperks@hotmail.co.uk'
      susan
      February 11, 2013

      Hello, 9 weeks ago i left my controlling,manipulative emotionally abusive partner and i can’t seem to move forward.He was 22 when i met him. I was 37, I was with him for 15 months and I am now 39, he lives in my street. He was strong,charming,good looking and i was his first proper girlfriend as he had never been in love before. Our relationship blossomed despite the age gap his family and mine accepted it well. We fell deeply in love and everybody could see how much he adored me. I in return was smitten by this young naive fresh man with no baggage. I hadn’t felt this happy in many many years and my 3 children thought he was great. The first year was amazing, i knew he had some emotional issues ,jealousy, paranioa, obsessive,insecure..yes yes..all the red flags were out,but i thought with my worldly life experience and patience and trust i could guide him through it. I always made sure he felt loved and happy. Over the time i lost my friends,he became fearful of them and said they were bad for me, he said they would lead me astray. I listened to him and knew it was part of his possessiveness and took no notice. He disliked me going out in general and all my activites had ro revolve around him. When we went out he became angry at other men for looking at me and told me that i couldn’t ever look at another man again, not even celebrities on the tv. I knew this was out of order so i used to humour him and sometimes wind him up about how silly he was being, little did i know what was instore for me. I was told that it was his job to make me laugh and smile and nobody else was allowed to do it. Soon came the put downs as a mother and as a woman in general, the nasty names started, the belittling the subtle remarks that made me feel worthless. We briefly split but i begged him to return as i loved him so much and i just wanted to help. He said he would change, and told me he knew he had issues (counselling when he was younger had failed) He seemed to resent his mother and said that he ruled his house and his mom did what she was told to do, he seemed to enjoy having so much power,everything in his life had to be controlled,he had to win at everything,he hated loosing,he hated weak people,he hated other girls he didn’t seem to like anything or anyone in life other than me. He said he loved me and no other man would ever love me the same and he was so scared of losing me. Things were ok for a very short time, but the major control kicked in again, he told me if he lost his job he would move in with me so he could see what I was doing and where I was going, he disliked me going anywhere without him. Then one fateful night after me and him had been out drinking with my work collegues he flipped out. I think he had spotted some man giving me the eye in the pub and that pushed him over the edge. He tried to strangle me, he called me a whore, slag, tart ,scum, told me i was a sad old woman,told me i deserved everything i got off men,he told me he could never marry somebody like me, and he told me that he was the boss in our relationship and i should start doing what i was told. I was gutted,heartbroken and deeply confused. How could this man go from adoring me totally to making me feel like dirt. I walked away from him very relunctantly, but soon realised i still loved him, i told his parents what had happened,they went mad and told him he needed help,which he denies.. for 9 weeks he’s cut me out of his life. I dont think i ever existed to him. Ive asked him to talk, sent him links on self help for his problems, told him i’ll help him no matter..but nothing… it’s killing me as he lives 10 doors up from me.. i’m trying to move on but he’s crushed my spirit, i have good days and bad.. i dont cry so much anymore, but i feel like a shell of the person i was before. I feel pathetic for contacting him, and im in the process of stopping that. All i ever wanted to do was help him. He knows i love him and he knows i’d do anything to help him. He told me he doesn’t think he will ever change for anyone.. Your website has been so helpful, I now know why he did what he did and why he chose me (he liked my strength and good nature, he could see that I was a very good person) in the end what attracted him to me became my downfall. I have read so much and it’s slowly sinking in. You know it’s silly but I feel like I was a trial run in his life and he will be totally perfect to his next girlfriend. I’ve read that this isn’t the case and that unless he has proper help he will never change. I feel sorry for him,i really do, he’s so young with so much anger… Many thanks for your website once again. Thanks from Susan x x

  • ln3942@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    February 8, 2013

    Hi Mel, I’m well on my way to recovery, except: we share 3 beautiful children aged 10, 8 and 7 – they love their father despite his faults. Through them, my contact with him remains frequent, and I find myself stepping in again and again to help calm him down for the children’s sake. This is not good for me as it takes me longer to heal, but what else can I do?
    Kind regards, Lisa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      That is great that you are on your way to recovery.

      Truly Lisa, you do have to let go of trying to control the uncontrollable (his unpredictable behaviour).

      This is another way he can also maintain that contact with you stays hooked up and throws you off balance.

      If you go back through my blog posts you will see ‘How Do We Heal Our Children’.

      That article will help you a lot.

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        February 9, 2013

        Melanie,
        Thank you so much! Excellent article!
        Lisa, you might think of ways to keep contact with the narc to a minimum, such as having a third party to take the kids to him and back. Read Melanie’s article about How Do We Heal Our Children, definitely! Melanie is soo right- you cannot control the uncontrollable; what you can do is be the stable, rock-solid foundation for your children should they get upset at the dad’s behavior. No sense in bad-mouthing him; your children will make their decisions whatever they may be. You might look around for a counselor who understands Narcissistic Personality Disorder and talk with them, and maybe have them talk with your kids, when appropriate.
        Keep us posted-
        Cheers!

  • difromoz@gmail.com'
    Dianne O'keefe
    February 8, 2013

    Hi Mel; I know undoubtedly that everything you write is true and my tears spoke volumes from somewhere deep within me as I read your words. I wrote to you recently asking if NARP would be helpful for me in recovering since my narcissistic abuser is my mother, not my partner although I’ve had my share of narcissistic men also over the years and you replied that it would. For some time now I’ve known about the truth of life here on planet Earth and that we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience. I’ve embraced that knowledge for some time (about two – three years) and my understanding of my own journey has been quite incredable upon reflection in that light. I truly appreciate finding your website; like they say… when the student si ready; the teacher appears. So true! And again I offer you my sincere gratitude. Dianne

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Dianne,

      I totally have the same experience when I read the words of Neale Donald Walsh and Gary Zucav…its like some deep knowing within me says a resounding ‘yes’ – and every cell in my body knows it to be true.

      I am so glad this resonated with you – because it is only when we break free from illusions that the truth does set us free.

      You are very welcome, and I am thrilled you found this community too!

      Mel xo

  • linnymurray@hotmail.com'
    Linny
    February 8, 2013

    A few months ago a friend sent me the link to your website, as we’d been discussing HER relationship that she was trying to stay away from and she said your information had helped her to deal with it and move on. Well, I can’t begin to explain what a revelation it was for me! There you were Melanie, explaining exactly what my life had been like for the past 5 years, feeling emotionally broken and still trying to move on from the trainwreck of my marriage and wondering if I would ever really feel happy again, instead of just faking it to everyone, including my daughter! Unitl then, I had no idea that NPD existed and I stayed up until 2am, reading your descriptions of my ex-husbands behaviour and my responses to it as though you had been our hidden camera! I am still amazed that almost every week I receive your newsletter addressing fresh questions I have been asking, as though we’d been having an ongoing conversation! You have helped me to understand what happened to me, to address it and move on, to have the strength to maintain very little contact and achieve emotional detachment….and most importantly, to help my 11 year old daughter to effectively manage her relationship with her father.
    You are helping me achieve a calmness in my life I didn’t have for many years, even prior to meeting my ex. I’m working on your exercises and discovering new things about myself constantly and I’m looking forward to continuing this journey of self-ownership and enlightenment! You have my heartfelt thanks for helping me to heal and continue to improve my life 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Linny,

      I am so pleased you found this material, and started receiving some answers.

      Syncroniscity truly is a very powerful energy, and when we are ready to take responsibility and heal, life has a wonderful way of bringing forth the right answers and all the right tools at the right time.

      Make no mistake your Soul is co-creating that with me!

      Because it is ‘what you want’…

      Mel xo

  • kgriffinimt195@yahoo.com'
    Karen Griffin
    February 8, 2013

    Thank you for your article. I have been going through a break up from a narcissitic man since I left him in September 09. I finally filed for divorce the second time and it has gone to court. The judge refused the divorce because it was not equitable. He did not show. Captain in the Merchant Marines. Long story but I got a lawyer and forced him to get one. Now within six months, he has gotten on short term soon to be long term disability, can not work due to issues with legs. Major operations. Left him on my insurance and it has cost the insurance company close to 100K over the last year. Finally said enought, I need to move on and then the phone call came. Can you postpone the divorce till July so I can get on Medicare etc. I spiralled. First out of concern. Then my healthy side ran the scenario. He has moved in with another woman even tho we are not divorced, (what else could I do) and has his support group 300 miles away. I have no part of his life other then his need for insurance. Finally told him to contact my lawyer. My gut aches again. Has not for almost six months. He tells me right now he does not care about the divorce, health is the main thing. Total dismissal of my desire to be divorce. Thought I had had moved on but mind mind last night played the scenario that he would ask me to come back and we would go back to our beautiful home and I would take care of him. Thank Goodness he did not ask. And why would he, he has a new woman to take care of him. Sorry, am going into the weeds but I am hurting tonight. Had worked so hard to find me, and just a couple of phone calls and all my strength, self worth goes now the tubes. 20 year relationship. Got to climb out of the hole again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      you are very welcome.

      My heart goes out to you, and so many of us know the pain of feeling totally discarded and worth ‘nothing’ to the narcissist.

      The truth is this Soul lesson made us face up to our own healing on our worthiness and Soul value, rather than holding the narcissist responsible for our feelings about and connection with ourself.

      Karen it truly is the deeper healing that can make an incredible difference to get out of this hole – it is very hard to deeply heal through ‘our mind’ alone.

      In fact I endorse that for deep wounds it is impossible – and ‘if’ possible takes decades and has very little breakthrough results (if any).

      Authentic healing occurs at Soul level, not a mind level.

      I recommend taking a look at NARP, it has been able to create that deep healing breakthrough for so many people.

      Mel xo

  • arkgriffin@bigpond.com'
    Ark Griffin
    February 8, 2013

    Of all your blogs Mel, this one resonates most with me. Perhaps it is because I agree with you! I feel that this writing shows some compassion for narcissists. Yes, they have their own journey. Yes, they are painful beacons to light our way. Yes, they are disconnected from their soul. But they still have a soul. And no, it is not our responsibility to drag them to their true self. We are each of us, responsible for ourselves. When we are truly that, we are close to realising the collective consciousness of love and heaven on earth. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Ark,

      thank you for this post – and I am glad this resonated with you.

      Absolutely we are all responsible for self!

      Mel xo

  • janetereseandrews@bigpond.com'
    Jane
    February 8, 2013

    Hello K, thank you for your lovely words, yes I will keep up the joy. You too. Light and love to everyone here in this community. Yes the narcs have a soul that is disconnected and it is not our task to fix. Thank you Mel for unburdening us from that illusion. XXJ

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      I am so glad you are feeling and knowing the truth – that it is not our responsibility.

      You are very welcome, and keep walking forward in the light.

      Mel xo

  • kdmain29@gmail.com'
    kenn
    February 8, 2013

    perfect perfect perfect
    that sums up for me the whole experience
    i feel alive and free i feel calm and excited about my future now having been though you excellent programme of help.
    I have never felt this way befor. this was the shift in my learnt pattern of sucessive bad relationships where i actually looked out for women that needed rescuing, Ive hung up the shinny armour and learnt about putting my needs first. Melanie you have once again nailed it. This is how i feel
    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Kenn,

      I am so glad this hit home for you!

      That is so true that being a healthy self is never about trying to behave in a way that someone else would want you to be – truly that is only trying to escape the fear of rejection or abandonment – and it is not authentic.

      To be emotionally truthful is the only way to create trust, connection and real love.

      Then someone will truly love you for you, not who you think they want you to be. And they will have the divine opportunity to grant your needs lovingly 🙂

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    February 8, 2013

    Melanie, what a wonderful article, thank you for sharing! This is my first time posting(even though I have been following for the past year), but I felt the need to respond to this article in particular to share my thoughts on this evolutionary shift. I have been recovering from NARP since last summer and by December I felt like a new person. I realized I had been in a state of survival mode since I was a child and had no idea how it felt like to feel completely whole. I was literally dancing for joy a month ago from being able to feel true happiness. Please keep in mind I have nothing ‘external’ to be happy about – I am 30 years old, I was discarded 2 years ago by my live-in narcissistic boyfriend, I lost my beautiful apartment I shared with him and had to move in with my parents, I lost all my friends – some have been my friends since childhood(my ex and I grew up together so we had all the same friends), the company I worked for went bankrupt, as well as my boss was abusive and controlling; my family stopped speaking to me and I have no money left to support myself. I was in bed for almost a year in agonizing pain. To add insult to injury, the stress led to my joints swelling up and I was unable to walk for months.
    By December, when I was in my blissful state, something interesting happened… I had been feeling good for over a month (physically and emotionally) when I woke up in the middle of the night on Dec 21st and could not stop crying. I have cried harder than I have ever cried these past two years, but nothing compared to this night. The crying continued profusely for the rest of the day – there was nothing I could do to stop it. By that evening, it stopped and the level of blissfulness went to a whole new level. I received emails throughout that day from people discussing the Mayan calendar and the shift in consciousness that is taking place on the planet on this date. And after doing extensive research on what that meant, I realized that I am one of the most fortunate people in the world to have gone through all that pain during this time. I was upset I couldn’t stop crying that day because I had done so much work to heal myself, but I realize now it was my body trying to release any residual pain before coming into this higher consciousness.
    My ex found a new girlfriend (a doctor) right after we broke up and he flaunted her in my face in front of everyone. It was the most humiliating painful experiences of my life (and I have had my share of pain – I lost two babies, my best friend died in university and my first love died several years ago). It was more painful to hear they were still together today (it’s been two years) and rumors circulated he wanted to marry her. (The reason he broke up with me is because he told me he did not want to get married at all). But since this evolutionary shift, I feel fortunate he was able to find someone else. I believe that was a gift from God. If he was not able to find someone else (someone that could bring him status and wealth), he would have fought to get me back (and I would have taken him back) and right now I would be enduring unbearable pain and torment from him. My only thoughts now are, “thank goodness I am not in his life to be responsible for his pain, only mine.”
    Furthermore, the people that have remained in my life are all going through similar changes, the world is forcing them to release things (relationships, jobs etc.) that are no longer serving them. If they aren’t being active about changing it, it’s being forced onto them. For example, one friend knew she was had to leave her job (after 7 years) because her boss was emotionally draining but she was scared of losing the income. Last week, her boss fired her for no reason. Another friend knew she had to get out of her relationship (they’ve been living together for 5 years), but she was scared of being alone. Her boyfriend just left her. Again, all this has happened in the last couple months.

    This evolutionary shift is real. I am seeing it with my own eyes and feeling it every day. I am grateful to be at the level of awareness to realize it. And I truly believe I created all this to happen at this specific time. I also believe that Melanie created her healings at this time of no coincidence.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi GA,

      Thank you for your lovely share…and it has been wonderful being a part of your journey, and seeing how you have shed SO much fear, pain and anguish, and worked yourself through to freedom.

      I have loved seeing your True Self unfold on this journey all the way from ‘broken’ to ‘divine’.

      That is so wonderful that you have been able to let go, and that you feel blessed that you no longer have to endure his unhealed parts, and that you now have the space, time, support and energy to focus on your own.

      I agree with you totally – everything is being shaken up. I am seeing it everywhere with clients, friends and constant word of mouth reports.

      What isn’t real – what is based on illusions is all falling. This accelerated at the end of last year, and is very prevalent now.

      So true – this Universal Energy says ‘no that’s not a real match for your Soul – it’s got to go!’

      And just like your girlfriend if we aren’t willing to face stuff, ‘life’ (the orchestration of our Soul connected to Life) – will rip it away instead.

      This is why it is time to go within listen to the truth, be prepared to let go of all of the illusions that we thought were necessary props in our life, and let go of the outer and come home to the inner truth…

      Then we can flow forth and create a ‘new’ outer, but this time from an authentic place – (love, truth and expansion), rather than the old way which was through fear and need.

      There is no point forcing the outer until the inner is cleaned up…Because it simply won’t work IF the fear and pain is still running the show.

      I am so relieved personally to have QF Healing GA, (I don’t know where I would have been without it – more than likely still trying to cling desperately to ‘the outer’ to try to fill ‘the inner’ and continuing to get beaten up by it)and I feel so blessed that QF can help people ‘come home’ as a result of shifting the pain and fear out of the way that has been prevented that from being previously possible.

      Thank you so much for your wonderful post.

      Hugs 🙂

      Mel xo

  • sophiehalaka@hotmail.com'
    SH
    February 8, 2013

    Wow – this makes so much sense. I have just left a relationship with a narcissist and everything you say fits perfectly to the situation I was in. I have just completed my yoga teacher training and my boyfriend did not like the direction I am moving in – because it does not offer him narcissistic supply, because I suddenly began to see the truth and light and reflect it back to him, which he found very uncomfortable.

    His family encourages his narcissistic personality through over-indulgence and a shared sense of False Self which they have created together over the years. I have increasingly been aware of this and finding it more and more difficult to live with, and it was only during the break-up when he began accusing me of all the things he has been doing for the past 2 years that I looked up narcissism (another thing he accused me of being) and found your articles.

    I cannot tell you how helpful they’ve been in understanding the process I’ve been going through. Reading the description of a narcissist was like reading a description of my boyfriend – it was so accurate I couldn’t believe it! Thank you so much for helping me and so many others to realise the lesson in all of this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi SH,

      I am so glad this makes sense…

      Yes narcs do need to be the centre of attention, and your fulfilment from ‘purpose’ is very threatening for a narc…as well as your personal empowerment that was not supporting the constant need for acclaim of his False Self – but rather seeing how unhealthy this was.

      It’s wonderful that you have been able to break down in clarity the projections, not buy in to it and separate from the abuse.

      So many people who read about narcs all say the same thing ‘Wow that is my partner’.

      The irony is that narcs all want to be totally unique, yet their defence mechanisms, behaviours and projections are identical, and virtually if not always ‘word for word’.

      Claiming your lesson and responsibility truly is the ‘gift’ – because now you get to create a much higher vibration of your life reality as a result of your narc abuse experience.

      It is wonderful you are on this path so quickly SH!

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • Theresap@hotmail.com'
    Theresa
    February 8, 2013

    Thank you for this most truly amazing article that is extremely resonating with 2 very insightful books ,or it could be said , two ‘signs’ have been placed in my presence ( as you said there are cooincidences that come from this Oneness True Self Energy). They all concur with your message today, and it’s really healing me, and making me feel incredulously blessed to have this knowledge coming to me as well as helping me to getting on to the next level of my journey away from a narc partner.

  • appaloosa14@bigpond.com'
    Frankie
    February 8, 2013

    I came through 12 years with a narc, never had anything more than the first day I met him. On, off, push, pull, crazy shit for over a decade, it is all too much to go into and I no longer want to go into it anymore. Your article is so spot on, but before you arrive at this place, you cannot ever understand it. When he delivered his last devalue and abandon, I cried for over 60 days, between the 60th and 74 th day I experienced gut wrenching grief and felt suicidal, I did not hear from him at all. Then he allowed me to talk to him after cutting me off cold for 77 days, this moment of allowing me back into the fold after the abuse I had suffered and the torment drove it home to me that he was a narcissist through and through. I realised in that moment this person does not love me when he can toy with me like that. I have now entered the state that you describe in your post. I cannot go back, I have been dealt some of the worst crap I could ever describe but it took a long time for me to awaken. I am so glad to be in this mindset now, where every time I feel pain I can ease my pain with the knowledge and self love that I am learning. I have now internalised that the road cannot lead backwards to him, there is something much much better coming and I can feel it, I’m inspired. He has felt this shift and tried to contact me, promises, promises. What he does not realise is we are now studying them like text books, totally as detached as they were towards us.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Frankie,

      yes you have been to the brink and back…and it is so wonderful that you are coming out of the fog and learning how to be a solid Source to yourself of real love and value.

      By really establishing that, you will never endure again what you did for 10 years – the horrific discard, devalue and maiming – you would walk away and know that your deservedness is a much higher bar.

      Absolutely this means that your road forward will contain individuals and situations which do have reverence, that do walk truth (life is abundant with these real commodities) – and ones that turn up which don’t you will easily say ‘no’ to – knowing that you are a Source with life of ‘so much more’

      Let go, create strict No Contact and claim your real life, because without him – it does have reverence, truth and joy – which is the real energy of you.

      Mel xo

      • appaloosa14@bigpond.com'
        Frankie
        February 9, 2013

        Hi Mel, Thank you so much for your personal reply, it is wonderful to have a coach like you offer suggestions and advice. You are absolutely right, I know I need to let go completely, it is very hard when months go by and he comes at me again with promises but I have already been down the road of getting him to read about PA behaviour and narcissism, he just didn’t take it seriously and could never ever put me first ever in his life. I came well behind his son, family and his long list of friends, every holidays I was abandoned and left behind, I had the lowest self esteem if I have ever felt in my life. I do not contact him anymore and just hope that he moves on soon and can finally let me go. I have changed my mobile number and job and have now stated that he is not welcome to arrive at my home. Hopefully all this sticks, I have been out for 4 months now but have just about spent the last 4 years alone due to his neglect and selfishness. He also works away 30 days in mines and comes home for 5 days at a time, the 5 days are not spent with me and the last thing he said to me was, “you cannot expect me to see you every break”. I was his fiance that he was supposed to live with and value, I was nothing more than a human prop and a security nest for him. He is materialistic, grandiose and now disgusts me, I hate him which I know helps me stay away right now but still eats me up after for a week after he contacts me. I remain steadfast but he hurts me as my normal brain wonders why the hell would someone who never sees you want to come back. It is so crazy making, the only thing I can do is get off the hamster wheel, believe in myself and my new path and dump all the pain of the hanging on and longing for someone to grant me the love he promised me. His words never ever matched his actions once and never stuck for longer than three days. These people are hard work and a drain on your whole life, run everyone, 12 years, I want my 12 years back.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 9, 2013

          Hi Frankie,

          you are so welcome.

          Darling you may wish to try NARP, truly once you do the inner healing you will be more than logically released, you will experience Soul Release, which grants such an incredible freedom.

          Also you will able to release and heal the inner programs which led you into a narcissistic relationship in the first place.

          Yes – you deserve so much better than this – you may have lost 12 years but you can gain your ever future evolution, and real life.

          Mel xo

          • appaloosa14@bigpond.com'
            Frankie
            February 10, 2013

            Hi Mel Thank you very much, can you tell me what NARP is? Then I can look into that. Some days I actually feel like this and other times two steps back so anything that can assist me I am very interested in. Cheers Frankie

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 10, 2013

          Hi Frankie,

          NARP is the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Many people in this community are using this tool to do the deep inner work.

          You can see the ad box for it right up the top at the right hand side of this blog 🙂

          Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 8, 2013

    Hi Theresa,

    you are very welcome. How lovely to know you are ‘Tapped In and Tuned In’ because that is exactly what these ‘coincidences’ are showing you….

    This is especially confirmed with the incredible feelings of joy, healing and being blessed.

    This is Soul Energy coming straight through your True Self valve!!

    Which is the joy of the energy now when we ‘go for’ authentic power – the true connection with ourself.

    Then we glow that outwards….

    Fantastic job, and keep up your alignment Theresa!

    Mel xo

  • hsue25@ymail.com'
    Sue Hall
    February 8, 2013

    I am absolutely overwhelmed by what I have just read. I have prayed to God so many times, and asked him to tell me why I had to be born to such a cruel and dreadful mother and abusive father. I thought that I was being punished for something that I’d done in a past life. I had written something the other day, just out of the blue in my pain. I wrote that ‘There was know where left for me to go in the darkness, so stay away, and then the light will come’. I feel that I was meant to read your article…I feel like I have just be struck by a bolt of lightening of re-assuring truth from Heaven…Thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Sue,

      Honey – so true – let go of the darkness , stop trying to wrestle with it – and the light comes.

      Why? Because you are the light.

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        February 9, 2013

        Just reading this reply to Sue Mel and I think I wrestle with the darkness still, and wrestle with people who I should just stay away from. It is a good way of putting it. x

  • vlong@y7mail.com'
    Bee
    February 8, 2013

    This would have to be the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Thank you 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 8, 2013

      Hi Bee,

      you are so welcome.

      Truly so much of this article was not my words – it just ‘came’ through me.

      I feel very humbled and blessed that it did.

      Mel xo

  • jenny.chantler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jenny
    February 8, 2013

    Dear Mel

    This must be your deepest and most helpful blog yet. And like many other readers, I feel reassured at the thought of narcs having disconnected souls rather than none at all. I have also been helped by the realisation that part of my sense of loss has been for the strength of love I felt for us as a couple. I had gone part of the way to understanding and redressing my own issues when I met my ex and yet still made the mistake of thinking he was a fellow co-respondent rather than an (other) abuser (without then knowing the NPD terminology). But I feel less sense of failure now when I realise I would still be fighting and loving alongside him if he had been able to start tackling his own stuff honestly too. But he couldn’t and that is that so thank god for No Contact and for you too Mel! Jenny xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Jenny,

      I am so glad you felt this deep within you. When I wrote this article I knew it was time to release it, and really did not know how the ‘depth’ of it would be received.

      I am so glad it resonated…

      It is very true that narcs are also co-dependents – just ones without reverence or self-responsibility – which of course is what makes them narcs.

      Which as you have so aptly put makes it impossible to heal a relationship with them.

      And this is why you have totally made the right decision to leave and stay away.

      That is not failure it is incredible personal growth.

      Mel xo

  • janenaples@gmail.com'
    Jane
    February 8, 2013

    This was so powerful for me to read, I feel as if an awakening happened while reading this information. Everything happens for a reason – this I know to be true and your confirmation of this has touched me deeply. My healing from living with a narcissist for 26 years is gaining momentum – I am out of the relationship for 8 months and what an amazing inner peace has transformed in me. I so identify with your writing, many thanks for sharing your wisdom and strength. Can’t wait to read more from you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      I am so pleased you felt an ‘awakening’.

      You are so very welcome, and I am so pleased you are doing so well after such a long period.

      This is totally confirmation that you are on the right track!

      Mel xo

  • sunflowerinjuly82@gmail.com'
    Faith
    February 8, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    what a wonderful post, I have bought many books that you have and many of them have clarified things and helped me but theres always one question that I have and keeps coming back to me and stunting my growth. Ive healed a lot and my relationship has grown by leaps and bounds as my partner has become loving caring,respectful in the past few months as I stopped taking on his abuse, being a source to self as you suggested, he has really stepped up ( so I think he may not be NPD) and I notice how quickly he goes back to his narcisstic tendancies as soon as ego overpowers me or I give in to his old hooks, its exactly as you described in your books!! However everytime I make a deeper connection with my soul and things start going great, ego comes back in and makes me act less than as you describe, and self sabotages my relatioship and everthing in general, and I feel like im gonna split into two, please tell me how can I keep this growth going without reverting back and without ego coming back and sabotaging it all, amazing how everything you stated is true and works but ego makes sure that my growth is sabotaged each and everytime and its like im afraid of being deeply happy, please advise, I feel like this is the only missing componenet that would make everything work out, thanks for all your wonderful work

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Faith,

      Okay I’m intuiting here….and I would like to ask you some questions.

      1) When he slips – how maliscious is the behaviour and does he overstep vital boundaries – and act out in ways that are damaging to the integrity of the relationship (destroy trust) such as pathological lying, name-calling, threats upon your ‘weak spots’ etc. Because if he is and you are still unsafe in this relationship (due to these episodes) you will be understandably ‘acting out’in reaction.

      2) Is your acting out because you still feel unsafe? In other words have you really defined ‘what is mine’ and ‘what is his’?

      3) Has your acting out (and if you are unsafe it is perfectly understandable) been highlighted by him as ‘you being a significant problem in this relationship’? and ‘you questioning or not trusting him is a serious problem – and ‘you’ sabotaging?’

      4) Is he accountable for poor behaviour after he acts narcissistically – or does he avoid accountability at all costs?

      5) Is he actively working on himself, and taking responsibility to heal?

      Faith I have seen countless people in narcissistic relationships (and I have done it too) want to believe everything is going great, take enormous responsibility to work on ‘our end’ to the best of our ability (despite the fear and the pain of the episodes re-occurring) and discover painfully and tragically how the original issues (his unhealed wounds) were never attended to and are just waiting for a trigger to be unleashed in full fury again.

      Lines can get very blurred when trying to ‘repair’ relationships with NPD’s or people who are suspected NPD’s.

      The real question (for me) hinges on ‘what’ is his narcissitic behaviour when it appears? And how much dedication and responsibility is he taking to heal the stuff that creates his narcissistic behaviour? Because if he isn’t doing this – it won’t heal, and no matter how centred and empowered ‘you’ are, it will reappear.

      Why? – because all disowned wounds DO…especially when they are so pronounced that they have caused the human distortion known as narcissistic behaviour.

      If what is happening is NPD in nature – then how can you be healthy and feel ‘well’ in this relationship? And how on earth can you being ‘everything he needs you to be’ in order for him not to ‘pop’ – be even possible, let alone a healthy relationship?

      I hope these questions may assist you with some clarity.

      Mel xo

      • sunflowerinkuly82@gmail.com'
        Faith
        February 11, 2013

        Hi Melanie

        thanks for your response, and your questions are valid and ive been asking them myself. As you said in one of your posts, my partner is exactly my virbational mirror I mean to the second, if im feeling close to my power and at one and with my wise self loving and supporting my inner child, he is also super loving caring, but as soon as I gt disconnected even a little bit I feel a change in his behavior but not abusive as before. Its like as soon as I disconnect from my true self and power, he punishes me ad also disconnects, etc… It used to be that he would so much worse but like last time, i stated a boundary and refused to do somthing he wanted, he started sulking but I stoof my ground and he held me close and said im so sorry for being upset, i feel so bad and sorry for being mad and there were tears in his eyes, now he cant even fathom mistreating me and is proective of me, exactly a reflection of how im treating my own self

        Your post on ego is so revealing, but I wish you would post a article on overcoming ego once and for all, all your steps have helped me but I feel like ego is always ready to overstep me and sabotage my growth, my partner is exactly a reflection of how active or not my ego is, yes he takes full responsiblity for overstepping his boundaries and does “crack” and is committed to being better, and has changed but as I said this change is dependant on me remaining empowered self loving my higher self, and sometimes Im not, I would love more information on how to not let ego hijack my progress and as a result the happiness of my life and relationship, but most importantly how can I stop ego from interfeing between me and loving me, sometimes my ego is so very clever and acts as my empowered self to trick me, and Im having a harder and harder time connecting with my true self, I know it takes a few months for neural pathways to be created and I actually feel them I diligently applied your techniques in your books and they have made a world of difference, It would just be great to have a post or even an ebook or some insight on how to overcome ego when we have all the right equipment and healing methods in place. Thanks for everything…

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 11, 2013

          Hi Faith,

          It is great that your partner is taking responsibility and you are speaking your truth to him, and he is responding.

          This certainly re-builds trust.

          It is very important in relationships which have become enmeshed to be able to hold your own energy, and him to learn to do so as well. This means that if a partner is ‘down’ that the other does not have to be affected, and can grant space for the other to work through it, or grant support if the other partner is not projecting and asks for support.

          Can you please give me an example as to how your ego does play out?

          This will help me in my response.

          Truly ego is about dissolving fear and pain, and self-ownership rather than making ‘the outside’ responsible.

          And it does need to be a diligent choice when ego has been running the show for a long time. The most empowered question we can ask ourself when feeling anxious, empty or needy is ‘What is it about myself that is causing this?’

          Let me know an example and I will attempt to assist!

          Mel xo

          • sunflowerinjuly82@gmail.com'
            Faith
            February 13, 2013

            Hi Melanie

            Thanks for your reply, so an example would be. First, i want to say that I have been applying your self healing techniques, and especially repeating “I love you, I’m proud of you’re doing a great job ur safe” and this almost immediately brings relief, but now its like ego wants to hijack my healing process. For example, things were going incredibly great in my relationship and life for a few months and I was beginning to manifest, but then my partner mirrors my sslf love so much, constantly being super loving and doting, etc… and its nice but then, I feel fear of losing that, and I sabotage myself. For example, ill be talking to him on the phone and hell be incredibly affectionate, but then i literally feel ego bringing in my fears and insecurities, and i try to love them and be present with them and support them but they increase in velocity, and then I begin stressing out, and my partner immediately notices this and says things like “I dont know all of the sudden I feel angry”, i dont know why i feel horrible and its like im projecting my disowned parts onto him and then eventually things escalate and were fighting, he doest understand whats going on but I am and I dont want to share all this with him just yet because he has narcisstic tendancies as I said and i dont want to give him ammunition until im more secure and i can stand up for me and be in my full power abotu this, so this is how ego plays out. Things will eb goign great with him or anyone and then I feel resistence and a welling up inside and uncomfortable which grows and my fears and insecurities sabotage my welbeing, its really crippling especially after having done so much work and healing its devastating to watch this fold out and ruining months of work, thanks for listening, much love.

            Faith

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 13, 2013

          Hi Faith,

          What I am hearing is you need to go deeper with your fears and insecurities. You are ‘managing them’ in the times or affirmations etc, but there are still unhealed wounds playing out that you have not found / addressed yet. It is these wounds that are being triggered.

          Have you been doing QFH…or accessed any of my radio healings?

          There is a reason (a wound) within you that is playing out – that once you find can be energetically released and transformed – and then you simply will not have to try to keep ‘managing it’ – (which is never the true solution).

          Affirmations etc can create new neuron pathways with lots of hard work and constant application – but truly compared to directly targeting it and transforming it with energetic healing (which is powerful and often instant), the ‘old’ way is the long way around.

          I hope this helps…

          Are you doing the 30 day challenge? This would also help you a lot to dig deep and work out ‘why’ this is playing out for you. The answer to that is deeply within you, and you can access it.

          Mel xo

  • brendamccorkle@comcast.net'
    Brenda McCorkle
    February 9, 2013

    This is a piece that brought me to tears and is truly beautiful and healing. Thank you so much for writing it!!!

  • kimalenz@aol.com'
    Kim
    February 9, 2013

    Dear Melanie,
    God bless you. Reading this reinforces to me again that I have got to release the narcissist from my life. You are so right about everything. Logically, I know he’s not ‘real’. He’s so surface; superficial. And there’s nothing but distorted pain & yuck inside. I see that now. I look at him with extreme fascination anymore. I get it; I get everything about him now. And, the part about being addicted to the narcissist is so true. Like I said, logically, I know I need to move on. I don’t even feel that desperate longing or love for him anymore; but I can’t seem to go ahead & let go. I know I’m physically addicted. When he’s nearby, I “feel’ it in my body; I want to be right there; right up next to him. It’s almost like plugging myself into a charger. There is no logical exlanation for how it feels. He has put me thru so much bullshit, more than I’ve ever been thru with anyone in my life, and I’m 45 yrs old. And still, I am fascinated. I’ve been with him about 2.5 yrs & have pretty much lost everything, and am now financially dependent upon him. The good that has come from this though is I started back to school this past fall; getting my master’s in marriage & family therapy. I truly feel that he has played a significant role in getting me to this point. You’re right; everything happens for a reason. And had it not been for my having to deal with his rages & lying about insignificant crap all the time, I may have never decided to go back to school. I do feel strong enough now that I could let go, but I’m stuck financially. I have no income right now except student loans; not enough to get by alone. I do feel myself getting stronger by the day. The enlightenment thats going on in the world right now; I feel that too. Sitting outside just soaking up nature makes me feel so in tune with it; I can feel it in the air. And it is so calming & soothing to my soul. I would love to meet you Melanie & just be able to talk about all these things. It’s so nice to come across someone who is so in tune with the light. Thanks for all you do to help the world, and I would so like to follow in your footsteps. Peace be with you. Kim

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Kim,

      Truly when we feel like we ‘can’t let go’ – even when we know we MUST – there is some part of us at an inner identity level that is still a match for narcissistic abuse.

      I promise you that when you find those parts and transform them – rather than slipping into all the cognitive dissonance (excuses) as to ‘why’ to contact / stay with him (your brain defaulting back to match the inner parts of you that match the narcissist) – you don’t care, you have no attachment, and there is no part of you that even feels like you would ever contact again.

      In fact the very thought repulses you!

      You are simply NOT a match.

      But of course you need to find a way to create your independance, and know that your Soul is worth SO MUCH MORE than any dependency, finances, or any of the ‘glamour’ a narcissist provides.

      None of it is worth selling your soul for – there is always ‘another way’…

      You can do it sweetie…once you decide to and align with that – you will see how life embraces you and supports you all the way.

      Mel xo

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    February 9, 2013

    Melanie,

    Thank you for another brilliant article and for caring so much about all of us.

    One concept really stood out for me because it’s the issue of the moment for me: other people truly are a part of me. We really are all one.

    For my entire life I have avoided much contact with others. My parents were abusive, so it’s no wonder that I learned to protect myself in that way. Now I am starting to put myself out into the world. I want to share whatever I have in whatever way I can, but I’m very much in the beginning stages of this. I had to disconnect from the narcs in my life before I could truly enter this more expanded view of reality. Otherwise, I would have used it as an excuse to stay in those relationships. Now I feel enough of a connection to my soul to live an authentic soul-directed life.

    You are so right about the outer world responding to internal changes. I have had more offers of friendship and chances for connection with others in the past few weeks than I’ve had in the entire rest of my life. I am slowly moving into this new way of being – I am literally feeling my way.

    I owe so much to you and to the others who post their comments to your blog. I read everything very carefully. Such amazing things are happening here! I’m grateful to have found my way to this.

    Love to all, even the narcs.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi EJ,

      you are very welcome.

      Yes EJ we are all One – and when we feel this, we know how connected we are!

      Awwww that is so beautiful that you want to shine and share your light and be love without fear – and truly if you do the work on you, you will know that whilst being open hearted you can look after you at the same time.

      That is what self-love which then outflows does…

      EJ we are all truly blessed to have such a beautiful community of people growing and healing and sharing so much to inspire ourself and others – which is exactly what Oneness does.

      I love that you are feeling this, and most importantly feeling ‘you’ – the True You.

      Mel xo

  • dr.rashmich@gmail.com'
    Rashmi
    February 9, 2013

    Mel, you are an angel. Whatever you have written is so true. My relationship with the narc was no doubt the most painful one. But also finally the one that has brought me home. Or rather, set me on a journey to home. In retrospect, I can see that life and my soul had been giving me this wake up call since a long time. I just didn’t hear them well. And so this ‘third degree’ treatment. 🙂
    Mel it’s pure delight to sense that your own soul has evolved to a point where it is selflessly spreading the light. You genuinely see that one can’t evolve alone. I soo want to hug you and thank you for ‘being’ you. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Rashmi,

      Thank you for that gorgeous compliment – please know we are ALL angels.

      Oh yes I can totally relate – life grants us this absolutely to heal. And the truth was we did want this evolution – so much – and this is why these relationship experiences have been so extraordinary.

      From the greatest of pain, does come the greatest gift – but only if we dig deep.

      Thank you my love, and yes I do know I am living my purpose fully, and this is what my soul also wanted to do…

      I’m so glad I listened, and I see all that has happened as a gift to be able to share what I have experienced and worked out firstly for necessary survival, and secondly to escape the terrible agony, and thirdly to be able to be and feel genuine joy and truth.

      All of it was meant to be…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      I am so humbly grateful I can help others…

      Big cyber hug your way 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Mike@MandMDesign.com'
    Mike Snee
    February 9, 2013

    Mel,
    Thanks for your insights and sharing. I’m a man and my loving wife of 23 years died of brain cancer. She had a friend whose husband died of lung cancer. Months after my wife died, the “friend” and I became romantic, one thing led to another and we decided to get married. At first I was convinced that the “friend” was a blessing to me and I a blessing to her. Little by little, her personality changed (or I became more observant, or both). There are too many unpleasant details to write about here, but please know they became endless over the next three years. She finally broke up with me. I hurt so badly. I hurt more than when my loving wife had died. The “friend” was always threatening me with breaking up and was even attacking my memories of my loving deceased wife (who had also been her friend) criticizing her on every level. I was confused. I thought I must be doing something wrong. I kept walking on egg shells, hoping that I’d wake up and realize all the things I was doing to upset the “friend” I now had fallen in love with. Again, she broke up with me (the third time), but didn’t stay away. She attempted to rekindle the relationship in many ways, always saying that I would just have to learn that when she says certain hurtful things–I shouldn’t hold her accountable. Because of a truly good friend, and my finally talking to someone outside the relationship, I began to see the games going on and began to see the pain. I stood my ground, insisting that she broke up with me and that I wasn’t the “real” man she needed, echoing her earlier angry comments to me. The pain of breaking up was worse, because I realized that I had been fooled into thinking that the “friend” loved me as much as I loved her. Not the case. And, in reading your info, I’ve also realized that I didn’t drop the ball in our relationship as the “friend” had convinced me that I had. She fits the narc description so perfectly that I’m beginning to heal on many levels. I realize that I made choices to me with the “friend” and I accept responsibility for those choices. Now, I’m accepting the responsibility for the choices I make to stay away from her. Thank you for your efforts in exposing the narcs.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Mike,

      You have been through a very awful time…and my heart goes out to you.

      I am so pleased you have been able to get clear, have been able to see the behaviour for what it is and escape the awful hooks.

      Initailly it is excruciating when you realise that the person you love, loves you as a very poor second to their ego defences and behaviour.

      I read a wonderful post in the NARC facebook group not long ago. It went like this. “It is crazy to love someone who continues to hurt you – and it is even crazier to believe that someone who continues to hurt you loves you.”

      Be very clear – this was NOT love. Therefore there is no ‘love’ to miss – rather the incredible gift of the healing lesson to gain.

      This was not a ‘person’ you loved who hurt you – it was an incredible ‘lesson’ in order to heal. There is a profound difference, and the truth does set you free.

      It is great you are realising ‘what was yours’ and ‘what was clearly hers’ and you are no longer being manipulated into handing over your essential human boundaries.

      You are very welcome Mike, and keep walking forward in healing and truth.

      Mel xo

  • schud@comcast.net'
    sharon chud
    February 9, 2013

    Thanks Mel. That was amazing. My recovery thanks to your program has been ongoing. I am finding joy in my life and growth.I am realizing that I was a beautiful soul all along and learning to love myself and the wonderful things I have in my life. Your ebooks and healings were the salvation for me and excepting my responsibility in putting this man in my life. I am 2 weeks away from publishing an e-book called “Twice Bitten”about my relationship and journey to recover that will be available on amazon kindle, reader, etc. In it I talked about my recovery and recommended anyone sufferring from this contact you on your website.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      I am so thrilled you have been making such wonderful progress and that NARP has been able to help so much.

      That is wonderful, and we would all love to see your eBook when done 🙂 Please announce here when it is ready…

      Thank you so much for the mention – we can all do what we can to help people survive, heal and thrive!

      Mel xo

  • Carolreedjobson@gmail.com'
    Lee
    February 9, 2013

    Oh Melanie,
    You deliver exactly what I need when I am ready to receive. Three years out if a 25 year marriage- an absolute cluster of chaos- health, work, life- when
    he discarded me- the perfect word. Ran over me like road kill on the way out. I still receive his anxiety- he foists it on our kids.
    I struggle constantly with anxiety. Feel like a profound change is building. I have let go of much but more to do. Headed into the unknown. That used to exhiliarate me- now it is intimidating as I am old for a career and life change. I am dancing without a net here. Ideas?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Lee,

      that is so wonderful that your True Self was ready to hear this message…I love how many people are resonating and evolving in ‘this shift’.

      It truly is a time when so many people are ‘coming home’ and becoming Light…

      Hun when you work on your inner belief systems you will see and know that you are the Creator – life responds to you. There are no ‘statistics’ ‘age limitations’ or ‘barriers’ at that level…

      Truly you are the director. Once you shift those limiting beliefs regardless of what age you are, truly Lee the world is your oyster.

      I mean this…

      Create that ‘within’ and ‘the outside’ will match.

      That’s what everything in life does.

      Mel xo

  • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
    Madonna
    February 9, 2013

    This blog in particular is so profound and was exactly what I needed to read. I’ve been struggling so much with accepting the gift of the experience. this article resonated with me to very deep level. I’ll be re-reading this a lot. I’ve
    Been asking for protection every day from ‘the dark and negative entity which is the narc’. So I feel I had him described perfectly. For you to write that I must choose the light has given me a very obvious but new perspective. Yes. I must choose the light. Thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Madonna,

      I am so glad the article struck a chord within you.

      It is about choosing the light. And once we release and transform our ‘dark bits’ (fear and pain) that is exactly Who We Are…

      Gloriously…

      Mel xo

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    Luann
    February 9, 2013

    This post is awesome. It’s really timely and helps to reinforce a decision I made pertaining to my sister.

    It was like an epiphany this morning, that the only thing I can do is to accept the fact that her behaviors of deflecting and blaming. She has also, in discussions I had initiated with resolution as the intention, told me that I do things that she actually does…like calling her and complaining about other family members. This is something she used just yesterday morning in a phone conversation.

    If I hadn’t known what I know about PDs, this would’ve really been devastating and I did go over it in my mind for awhile. But then I realized that I’m allowing her actions to affect my health and well being.

    The stress the ruminating caused was really bad to the point of anxiety attacks and feeling like I was living in a nightmare.
    And I realized I had a choice to let it go and feel better or stew in it. I chose the former.

    Just this morning I had this ah-ha moment of acceptance. No matter what I say or no matter how much I try to discuss things by taking responsibility and also wanting her to, this will never happen. The deflection and blame will continue just leaving me feeling depleted. So also knowing it’s not about me but her need for the upper hand and power, helped me to relax.

    My Dad is at the end of his life and is really ill, so “breaking up with her” isn’t going to work right now.

    However, I do have the mind set now, that it is no longer my business what she thinks or how she feels about me.

    I have quite the road ahead of me, and I am certainly nervous, so I realize that I need to find ways to navigate the wreckage. Because to be honest, the whole family is dysfunctional.

    I just want to be able to say goodbye to my Dad and help him stay comfortable now.

    Thanks for this article. It’s funny how I read this after my ah-ha moment. It was interesting to have my thoughts reinforced.

    Although I know this is more geared toward “romantic” relationships, it certainly applies to any sort of relationship.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Luann,

      Narcs are masters of projection – and truly due to disordered thinking your sister does believe her behaviour is yours!

      Luann it’s not personal – that is her hard-wired brain defence mechanism – triggered by you trying to hold her accountable.

      The more you try to ‘fight’ for responsbility and no matter how much you lead the way – which is what all co-dependents with integrity do – she will simply feel ‘forced’ and believe you are trying to control her and she will just project harder back.

      Please know that your sister’s stuff is not yours, unless you choose to make it.

      Step out of the fray and allow her False Self to belittle and smear the next person who tries to hold her accountable for bad behaviour.

      You have much more healthy and joyous living to do.

      Much love and healing to you regarding your Dad, and his coming departure.

      Mel xo

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    No more self denial
    February 9, 2013

    It is so funny- my abusive father was always punishing me for expressing emotions openly, and for not behaving accordingly with his rigid regime of interpersonal rules that was made for me personally.
    I have not previously concidered the fact that actually he was himself very emotional, and when I asked him once, “why were you so angry and yelled so hard at me yesterday?”,he simply (and actually authentically, I see right now)stated that in fact he was not angry at all. He just played out rage with such an intensity and yelled out, because “that was what was needed to help me understand how I was wrong and that I needed to change my ways”. A-ha..

    So was his expressed emotions really real and true? He was kind of always so very intense when he expressed feelings. Like he could not raise his eybrows high enough, open his eyes wide enough, he could not laugh loud enough, he could not be more tenderly caring, and so on. It was actually not authentic. It was to make me act according to an agenda he had.. And I did not see it, because I was not allowed to get in touch with my own authenticity because he frightened and manipulated me from it all the time. A-ha.. So very much a-ha indeed, this is a life changing moment. I see how this have affected me throughout my whole life..Why I could not take side in conflicts, did not know my own opinions, did not know what I wanted, or respect my own emotions. How amazing it is to have this moment of clarity. It feels so good. Finally I see it. Just amazing.

    Love, Lill.

    • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
      No more self denial
      February 9, 2013

      Oh and yaikes; I see now how it was possible for me to endure so many years being abused without myself recognizing I was being abused. Oh my!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      Narcs are very, very emotional…In fact their emotions are out of control, spontaneous, and very poorly managed.

      Narcs are into instant gratification – ‘I’ll act on this emotion right now – without the long view or thought of consequence’. This very poor peripheral as well as lack of empathy (reverence) causes them to create huge explosions to the detriment of themselves and others.

      Your father by expressing what he said is simply doing what narcs do – taking no responsibility for this behaviour. Of course he wasn’t angry! It was WHAT you created as a result of ‘needing’ to be disciplined!

      Yes what he expressed was ‘true’ (the anger) – but be very clear – ‘true’ from his lens. Which in narc means ‘All about me’. It was about his fine line triggers which came from deep unresolved wounds that happened long, long before you were born.

      You just happened to hit those triggers. And this is exactly what happens to everyone in life – we all manifest exactly the people into our life experience to hit these triggers so that disowned wounds can finally be accepted and healed.

      Narcs are no different, they are unconsciously picking these people all the time… (so of course do we)…The problem is narcs don’t use these experiences to heal and set themself free – they simply continue to stay unconscious and scapegoat.

      Now the ‘nice’ emotions…yes this is absolutely when the ‘unreal’ can come into play. This is when narcs can lie, feign, pretend, ‘turn it on’ and do whatever is apt to secure an agenda.

      Narcs are consumated actors – many capable of academy awards…truly.

      Gorgeous you are getting clarity Lill 🙂

      Mel xo

      • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
        No more self denial
        February 16, 2013

        Thanks so much Melanie! 😀

  • victoriaarmstrong70@googlemail.com'
    Victoria
    February 9, 2013

    Hi Mel
    I’ve been on the narp program for a few weeks and an avid follower for the past 18 months! I read this post this morning…. Was perfect timing for me to read it , it resonated deeply in me ! It’s beautifully written and has left me in peace with it! It’s such a struggle of a journey when your still disconnected , not fully focusing on oneself! I had an aha moment a couple of months ago when I realised I had focused too much energy on trying to understand the what,ifs and whys of such a dysfunctional relationship. I totally understand it all now and that post completely nailed it for me! Thanks Mel you’ve been a true inspiration from coming out of the dark for me. With much love xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Victoria,

      I am so pleased this article granted you deep peace – that was truly my intention 🙂

      When we reach the ‘knowing’ truly the confusion falls away – and usually our answers are simple – but we do need to feel them.

      We need to know them through our Soul…

      That is wonderful that you are feeling this 🙂

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    February 9, 2013

    Hi Mel. Thank you for the post. I am struggling with what appear to be pretty self centred aspects of myself (yuk), the need for admiration, and victim. Is it possible to project npd on to a spouse when it is really me with it? I feel like I am co dependant and narcissistic and I have a soul, all at once…but right now, am confronting those aspects that are narcissistic in myself. In your opinion, is a person with narcissistic injury possibly attracted to someone with more intense npd traits? It just seems really complex. My mom who adopted me was paranoid schizophrenic so may I have inherited some her traits? All this time I have been blaming my ex for his npd….now I wonder how much was my projection. I want to walk in truth, one way or the other. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      Okay to give you some clarity – there are many similar dynamics between narcs and co-dependents (remembering all narcs are also co-dependent),but there are certain ‘twists’ that separate the two.

      To clarify: Co-dependents may seek admiration in order to try and fill themselves up but don’t go to the extent that narcs do – such as compromise the emotional and sexual fidelity of their relationships – or purposefully lie to people in order to gain admiration and sex.

      An example being leading people on to think ‘it’s more than what it is’ in order to gain narcissitic supply simply for self-entitled reasons.

      In regard to projecting NPD on to a spouse, absolutely the parts in a co-dependent can trigger NPD behaviour. But be very CLEAR on this, it is only a person who has NPD who can act in definite NPD ways, avoiding accountability, maliscious ‘pay back’ behaviour, seeking revenge and pathological lying.

      With NPD’s this behaviour bursts forth from circumstances that in no stretch of the imagination would warrant such behaviour – simple slights, harboured and unexpressed pain (blind-sighting the partner), and attacks based on not getting enough of the approval that the False Self demands.

      If your spouse does behave in these ways he has NPD point blank.

      All co-dependents have unhealed wounds – as did our forebears to varying degrees – because this is how human nature has been constructed and programmed.

      Everyone can act narcissitically under pressure, but this does not mean they are personality disordered.

      If you know you do not hurt other people purposefully with your actions, and that you are simply feeling empty with low self-love and low-self esteem, and trying to fill this up with recognition from the outside – then you are a co-dependent.

      If you know you step over the line and it affects other people, and you want to stop being this person…if you have enough sense of ‘self’ and reverence for yourself, others and life you can heal this.

      The very fact you are not ‘blaming’ your partner for NPD, and taking responsibility to look at yourself deeply I feel either way you want to and can heal.

      Mel xo

      • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
        Ruth
        February 10, 2013

        I clearly do not purposefully hurt others, and if I hurt someone for any reason I try to see it from their point of view, and sincerely apologize right away. I know at times I screw up, and I react, and can be selfish. I can be blunt and condescending, and shut down and feel worthless…like everyone, there are many ways of being human….these are some of the ugly truths I am learning to accept in myself.

        My situation was complex. In my marriage, my husband was largely unavailable, and dissociative, and in his very words, he ‘failed to show up’ emotionally. He had trouble looking me in the eye. My past of sexual abuse was his excuse to keep his distance. Often when I would bring up problems I felt needed to be addressed, the conversation became about me in one way or another, to get away from the original issue….so nothing got resolved, and led to more frustration. Unconsciously we both were in a dance that kept distance….if he had really dealt with the issues, it would have meant I would have to change as well. That is who I chose….someone who would not deal.

        He was handsome, extremely bright, drove the mercedes, dressed in armani, and by the end told me I was not a ‘ten’, and this was none negotiable. He chose porn over me, regularly. When I objected, I was told how demanding and dominating I was, and that I did not really understand men….again, getting away from the real point. Clearly, we both have intimacy pain and our relationship became intolerable. After a vain attempt to steal $40,000 from my father, he finally left because he said we were no longer compatible after 21 years, gave me with an std, and then became very promiscuous, with very young women.

        On my part, I am an artist, a singer. It has been a great conflict for me to do something that can bless others and yet feed my ego. I want others to admire my work….rightly or wrongly. It is also how I communicate my soul best, through words and pictures. My deepest gratification comes when someone really connects with what I am trying to communicate….sometimes it happens. I want to earn my keep and do what I do without needing an audience(my fantasy)….but this is not possible. It is true for everyone who needs an audience, or others to buy their products….keeping the ego in check…and reducing it’s power frees me…it is that ‘need’ that pops up I seek to free myself of….and to move to contribution….to be so filled with self love, I don’t need to seek it anywhere else.

        Lastly, where ego shows up for me most, is feeling like I am going through the worst pain ever, and other people don’t get it. Like I am out to win the gold star or something for having gone through the most pain and survived award. I get sick of hearing myself at times, and need to lighten up and have fun, and remember always, that it is often the shared experiences we have that connects us the most deeply….I am not the only one, nor am I alone in all this.

        Ruth

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 10, 2013

          Hi Ruth,

          Thank you for granting me more information.

          The very fact that you have genuine remorse and accountability means you are not a narcissist.

          The behaviour you are describing regarding your husband is. Him not willing to own or address his part, he devaluing you ‘you’re not good enough’ and the choice of porn – and him feeling he was ‘entitled’ to your father’s money.

          In regard to your work and the need for approval / acclaim – your original wounds are to do with ‘not enough approval’ and believing ‘you were not seen’ and that you were ‘not good enough’.

          Your husband also reflected these back to you – which is what narcs do – mirror back (as punishment and as their own avoidance to heal) our most unhealed parts.

          It is very true that any action coming from ego is painful. It is neediness born from a deep inner emptiness and disconnection from self.

          The gratification it secures can only be fleeting at best, and cannot be sustained. It requires more and more and more.

          The ego is never satusfied and is insatiably greedy and can’t be ‘filled up’. It creates an even greater disconnection from self – hence why it is so painful.

          If you were to focus on your original wounds that are creating the energising of your ego, and heal these, then you will become the source of fullness, approval and solidness for yourself.

          You will become ‘solid’ on the inside. Then you will be able to outpour your gifts with others as an extension of yourself – for the pure joy of being ‘you’ and expressing ‘you’ and sharing this with others – not for the need for approval or any particular set outcomes. Simply loving the energy of the process.

          The very fact that you are so honest, so humble and so real with what you have written here means you are a Universe away from NPD.

          Ruth you simply have inner wounds that require attention, and please know every codependent’s ego is energised and trys to ‘get’ something from the outside to fill the emptiness which has been caused by wounds, but they certainly do not act out the ‘I win / you lose’ (take / lie / punish ) dynamic that narcissists do.

          I hope this has helped you.

          Mel xo

          • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
            Ruth
            February 10, 2013

            …yes, I surely have work to do. I am just so thankful that I can do it, and I can and will get better. On some level I still believe it is all my fault…thank you for the distinction between narc and co-d….it is still sinking in….and you gave me hope.

            I really appreciate being able to talk to you and bounce things off of you..I keep reading what you wrote, and I feel like my brain needs reprogramming, and that is what your words are doing.

            I am grateful to you for your generosity…so much!!!! Thanks,
            Ruth

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            February 11, 2013

            Hi Ruth,

            you are very welcome, and I am so glad that I can help.

            Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 9, 2013

    Hi dear Mel 🙂
    I have a few questions relating to this article that I just cannot seem to find the answers to. As you know I have been working with NARP for a while now and truly love it, how it gets to the root of our issues to clear the way for a better life, living with truth and harmony with self and clearing out the stuff that makes us prone to attract disordered individuals. My first question is;
    1. Why is it after really working on my inner programming that I am still at times, attracting people who are abusive and just not very nice people?
    2. After doing something kind for someone, I end up being the worst person on the planet to them and end up being scapegoated for their actions. (My kind act was I found a stray Burmese kitten that was hanging around my cottage, starving, looked skin and bone, no collar, out at night and so I asked around, knocked on doors, couldn’t find an owner, so took it to the vet to get checked out. It had no micro-chip and looked like it had worms etc. The vet cleaned her up, vaccinated, wormed, de-sexed and just looked after it, thank full that I had done the right thing). To cut the story short, I did all the right things, and had her micro-chipped to me, fed her looked after her and all was well. A few days later the Owner came over after my neighbour said I had a cat here, barged into my house, and grabbed the cat of my lounge, went to walk out with her and just was horrible to me. I asked for proof of ownership, which I didn’t get, and he took my receipt along with the cat and left. I did a big clearing on it with NARP that night and felt ok the next day, content knowing I did the right thing, even if it wasn’t appreciated.
    3. How does Karma work? If one does a kind act for someone else or does the right thing by another, isn’t that good Karma? Why is it then that I do all the right things and get treated like I am the bad person?
    4. My neighbours have violated my boundaries a few times, but I made it clear of what my boundaries were to begin with. They don’t seem to care…is that me or is that an issue with them just not respecting me?
    5. My sister is destroying her own life with alcohol, drugs and just not taking responsibility for herself, so keeps repeating the same patterns of self destruction and looking on the outside for people to approve of her. Why is it if I make a comment in a nice way about ways she could improve her life, as she is always searching for answers, why do I get told I am being self-rightous and why does she get so defensive? Her friends protect her also and I keep getting the negative feedback from them, even though I am not trying to fix her or try to change her as I know that is not my business or right to do so. Her friends live the same lifestyle and I left that life long ago, so is it the reality that I vibrate on a different level now and she is not aware of their being a different level?

    So I am still attracting the wrong people even though not as bad as before I found you and started taking responsibility for myself, but it is still happening. One of my close friend said, you are too nice, too giving and people will take advantage of that, whereas if I pull back more, it will filter out the ones who are genuine to the ones who are not.
    I appreciate your feedback Mel and I hope it helps others who may be experiencing the same issues I am still having with attracting the wrong people in my life. Love Jac 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      Okay to answer your questions.

      1) YOu still ‘don’t like’ and have a judgement on these people – this is why they are coming into your life experience. When you bless and accept ‘everyone’ and simply choose – ‘you are not my reality’ with no charge on them – then they will not turn up anymore. Your graduation will be achieved on this.

      2) You need to look at your beliefs – “I do the right thing for others and get abused for it’….this is playing out. And ‘life’ showed you this belief. This was not the first time this has happened to you….you know that. You need to find out where that original beleif got set up, target it and release it, and then this will not be your experience any more.

      3) Karma is operating in alignment with our beliefs. Karma is the attraction (in a bad sense) of anything that we are not aligned at Soul level on (love, peace)….we always receive whatever fearful beliefs and pain we have running.

      4) Check out the belief ‘people do not respect my boundaries’….and go deeply into that and work out what that is about.

      5) We are never able to take responsibility (help) others who are not taking responsibility for themself. As I stated before ‘you will only get a broken nose’. What she is doing is totally predictable.

      Hun I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

  • laura@merlco.biz'
    Laura
    February 9, 2013

    Melanie,

    Thank you so much for your insightful and timely article on this subject. I have suffered years of abuse from a N father and codependent mother. I found your program last summer and have been vigorously working on integrating and healing my wounded parts to become whole as God fully intended for me to be (and all of us to be as well). I see so much now, thanks to this program, and I embrace the healing that is taking place in my life. I see that I am worthy (and I always have been) – this journey has been amazing. Many times I have wanted to trade it for anything other than what I was going through, but now I see the true blessings that this experience has brought to me. I am so grateful to you and your willingness to share your story and journey for all of us to benefit from. What I am learning is that pain is pain (any type of pain – fear, aggression, sadness, regret, jealousy, etc) which is a separation from love (God). The most important gift we have is LOVE – and healing our wounded selves is the most precious gift of SELF-LOVE we can give ourselves!! That is why this article resonates so much with all of us – we recognize it as the TRUTH!! TRUTH and LOVE in this sense are synonymous and connect us to God – our source – our oneness. I pray that God will continue to bless you Melanie and your mission to reach and help those of us who have suffered N abuse. I also pray that those of us who are empowered will find a way to ‘pay what we have learned forward’ and take steps to bring further awareness to N abuse and emotionally abuse. I pray for the strength to be able to take action steps to create a positive ripple effect and replace the abuse and pain I suffered (separation from God) with LOVE and CONNECTION for a higher purpose. As I become stronger, I will find a way to do this, thank you for all that you do Melanie, God Bless you and your family!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Laura,

      you are very welcome.

      Yay – you have totally nailed this – that any pain / fear is a separation from God/ Soul / Oneness.

      I can tell absolutely from reading your words, you have embodied the message and ‘beingness’ (not ‘just’ a concept) that self-love, is true love, it is the collective Source, that connects us to everything and everyone in loving ways.

      It all begins within…

      I have no doubt Laura after reading your post that you are a Soul Healer, and absolutely you will connect to your higher purpose.

      God bless you and yours too!

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 9, 2013

    …one more thing Mel, I am making some wonderful breakthroughs with my self and my life has improved a lot, but I am now confused as to why people (mainly my family) are seeing me as being self centered and self rightious even though I am not preaching to anyone and keep my healing to myself. They see changes in me, which to me are much improved, but it seems to them, to be different. Is it because I am vibrating on a different level and they don’t understand the dynamics of what the changes they are seeing, as they are still living life and following the old familiar patterns, they don’t serve them. Hard wiring. As I said above my sister seems to think I am just not interested in her, even though I am the only one who makes an effort to keep in touch. I remember you saying a while ago, it is true that people will leave your space once you start to vibrate at a different level, meaning they are not a match for my life anymore. I find is sad, that they see me as a bad person, one who is self centered when all I am being is true to myself. I am certainly not self centered, I know that for sure. The only time my sister seems to want to speak to me is when there is something she has an interest in for herself, otherwise I don’t hear from her. I do believe the more I work on myself, the more other people’s opinions will effect me. Would you agree? Thanks Mel. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      yes absolutely people may leave our life experience, and may not ‘follow’ with us…

      This can be common.

      The real issue is (and of course it is perfectly understandable) that this ‘gets’ to you…

      This is about cutting the chords, blessing their journey no matter what it is, and having no attachement to their opinion of you – and you just being ‘love’.

      At some level they are ‘judging’ you – because you are still ‘judging’ them.

      Can you see that correlation?

      Yes, hun this is about their opinion not affecting you – and most importantly it’s about your own opinion to yourself about all of this not affecting you.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 9, 2013

    I meant ‘the more I work on myself, the more other people’s opinions won’t effect me (not will). x

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 9, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    Your reply to SH above may have just answered a couple of my questions re my sister, where she needs to be quote “the centre of attention, and your fulfilment from ‘purpose’ is very threatening for a narc…as well as your personal empowerment that was not supporting the constant need for acclaim of his False Self – but rather seeing how unhealthy this was..” Even though my sister is not a narc (don’t know for sure) but has empathy. I guess my sister feels threatened by my self empowerment and when she sees me thriving, it causes her to see herself as even more dysfunctional. She is always putting herself down, criticising herself, unhappy with her life, constantly searches the outside of herself for fulfillment and spends a lot of time with friends who feel the same way about themselves (misery enjoys company). It is very sad and I just can’t be a part of her life now, especially if I am in the firing line to be abused all the time, which seems to happen the more I improve with my life. Your insight is amazing Mel and you have so much knowledge and experience to share which I personally am very greatful for. x

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    February 9, 2013

    Hello Jac,
    I know what you mean- it feels like every time you do something good, something bad happens; the kitten was a great example.

    Please rest assured: you did a very good thing by helping that kitten. You just wait: in spite of the “owner” being so rude to you, that kitten may come back to you!

    I cannot predict that is the thing that will happen, but what I have found is that if you will have patience with yourself, and do not do good deeds with a thought as to the outcome for your ego: but with a thought as to the Best and Highest Good for all involved: then the icky incidents will become less and less likely to happen.

    Live from your Heart and Intuition. As for your sister and other family members who are saying you are bad for changing, or that your changes are bad, that is really their problem, not yours. Yes, as you change, your vibrations change, and so you may not be hanging around them much any more. Do not dwell on the sadness of not being around your sister so much; there is nothing you can do for her- or anyone else; you can only work on yourself. Keep up the good work!

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Kay, I have done a lot of work on myself and the ‘kitten rescue’ was not for any gain for my ‘ego’ as I really don’t have a need to feed ego and have never done a kind act for a return for something for me. I did what I though was right, for the kitten not for any other reason. I half expected the owner (who neglected her) to turn up and so prepared myself for his return. The part I was shocked about was how he barged into my home, taking her and how he lied to the vet saying i stole her and kept her in my house hiding her. It was a different story (his story) as to the truth of what happened. Anyway I have put it behind me and no I don’t want the kitten coming back here as she is not my responsibility now. I just hope she is ok and they care for her better.
      I am usually the one to post help to people and have inspired many with my story of abuse and how I have recovered. So your contribution is warmly welcomed and I know sometimes I need to let things go and very occassionally I do run into a wall and need to dig deep and shift out the junk to be able to be empowered again. NARP has been amazing for me and with all the abuse I have endured my whole life, it is incredible how I didn’t think I could be helped, but it has proven to be the greatest gift apart from my last relationship into coming home to my true self. As for my sister, she is entitled to her opinion and it is her stuff, not mine and I am detaching from her now. If she steps up and wants to be a match for my vibration of true love and light then I will be happy for her if that happens. Mel knows me pretty well Kay and she knows where i am at in my recovery. I think Mel would agree, we all fall down occasionally. I listen to my instincts now first and I know I was listening to my head re the kitten. It not only cost me loosing her but I lost a lot of money taking care of her and the owner refused to do the right thing and help me out. I hope you are healing well too and all the best for your recovery too. xx

  • aunblp1@verizon.net'
    Beth
    February 9, 2013

    Thank you Melanie for your wisdom and lovingkindness.

    Today I learned what a precious gift this human life truly is. I was a scant moment away from being in a bad auto accident. I feel as if the Energies were protecting me, as I have been working on allowing The Is more and more into my life. Thankfully, the other occupants of the car were okay,too. It made me realize how grateful I am for this gift of Life. And more so today, because today is my birthday. Our lives are so precious. We have a choice to learn our Soul lesson’s and share ourselves with others in true love and gratitude.

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It’s always a pleasure to see your name in the in-box.
    Namaste,
    Beth

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 9, 2013

      Hi Beth,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so pleased you and others were unharmed – and that you are working ‘with life’…because when we do truly the miracles are everywhere!

      Happy birthday and keep spreading your beautiful Light 🙂

      Lots of love

      Mel xo

  • joyjsher@hotmail.com'
    Janette
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Melanie, I’m newly “awakened” of the narc abuse from my sister and our mother her saivour. After 2 years of therapy (I’m 55) to seek if it was me doing something wrong that I never did anything right in their eyes, I finally realized the narc in my life. It was truly an awakening. Every question, hurt, fear and difficulty in our family all of a sudden made sense. My sister controlled the family. I guess better late than never! My sister was the golden, perfect child. I was the rebel and spent much time alone in the woods as a child. Instinctively I wanted to get away from falseness. My mother was borderline affectionate which made it very difficult to know if she cared or loved. The messages were confusing. When our father died (7years ago) my sister and mother completely turned against me. She has a daughter (my niece) which I am not allowed to see. She’s made it very difficult to have a relationship with her. My sister and I were left assets that my sister took control of (if I knew then, what I know now I would of never let that happen). I have had to hire a lawyer to break through her strong hold on my 1/2. This action alone has caused much stress, depression and physical issues. I had tried for several years since my dad died to get information which my sister refused to talk about anything pertaining to our properties. My mother defended her. Instead of respecting my need for answers they condemned me for even asking. That I didn’t trust my sister. I sometimes still have flashes that it is me and I’m difficult, unworthy etc. It’s been a dark year but always see glimpses of light.
    Thank you for your column. It reassures me I’m on the right track.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Janette,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased my material can help you.

      It is wonderful that you are seeing the clarity of what has been playing out, and that you are connecting with your truth and healing.

      It is really important to realise – you can’t make sense of madness. You can’t force people who don’t have the resources to act with intgrity do so.

      Your opportunities legally may have passed, or your lawyer may be able to come through for you – and it is best to leave it in his hands.

      Know this – forcing accountability is not the issue, because narcs will never learn, and will have some justification always to excuse behaviour and believe ‘you were wrong’, even if you do make justice happen.

      Walk your truth, do what you can legally (but know your definition of ‘self’ does not depend on a successful outcome) – heal and let go of the personalisation and victimisation of their actions.

      Truly it is their stuff, not who you are.

      Look at and heal your inner parts which got hooked into persecution and victimsation.

      Everything happens for a reason to help you grow and heal – without exception. Once you heal these parts not only will you be free of the pain created from your mother and sister, these patterns in your life (it’s not just with your family) will be liberated for ever.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
    TJ
    February 10, 2013

    Mel I am excited to see how much more 5th dimension you are going in the year of the snake.
    I have had a bit of a wobble the last month – having escaped from NPD Mother, I have a landlady with the exact same traits and felt very low at attracting narcissism yet again. But I realised that I wasnt connecting with my truth when I moved in here and have let go to move somewhere else at the end of thin month (the woman is now doing everything sweet to make me stay so I am having a lesson in standing in my truth without judging, only observing).
    Your article is awesome but I still have a problem with understanding my childhood – Why did I choose an NPD mother that meant this life has passed by in dissociation and fear and survival mode when it could have been better used to learn and assist? I can see that the ghastly NPD relationships have been given to me to learn but I was unable to learn when I was hooked up in Mother and I am having a really hard time dealing with this – the sense of waste and the guilt at what I put my son through (I know he chose but I still feel that as a Mother it was my task to help not hinder his choice). FYI you may get some more women asking about N Moms as I was talking about you on the daughters of N moms survival group.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi TJ,

      Thank you, and I really have felt compelled to take this community ‘deeper’…to the understanding of being Spiritual beings having a physical reality – because it is our energetic / emotional self creating all of our outcomes.

      Now, more than ever (and as a constant) – if we don’t go within, we are going to go without!

      Okay narcs showing up again, really are asking us (as our soul creation)…Do you honour you? Are you going to see the outside as the provider of your ‘self’, or are you going to be that authentically to yourself?

      Re the experience of your childhood. Universal Energy is unconditional it simply creates ‘like equals like’…The parents we create this time are a direct representative of how we left off, and what level we were at ‘with ourself’previously.

      If we received parents in previous times that we never healed from, never evolved away from pain and fear and back to love and peace with self, then the dynamic will happen again, again and again until we come to peace with it, heal, evolve and take the gift.

      As an observation you are still in resistance (the questioning) you are not at acceptance and peace yet. In your Soul and life experience you were granted the perfect dynamic to heal and come home.

      From a human perspective that may seem ludicrous – but from a Soul perspective it wasn’t.

      You need to go deep with this. This acceptance can’t just be at a head level, it needs to be an inner awareness, and making it all about your realisations and inner growth, as to what life was showing you about ‘you’ and what you needed to heal about yourself – as per your parents being who they were.

      Re your son – boy did I know that one! Truly he chose exactly you and what you put him through. When you heal the guilt (this is between you and you), then you make peace with yourself.
      As for him – this may involve as I did with my son owning everything I put him through with deep love, empathy for him and sincere humility from my heart…

      When I did this, I was amazed at his response regarding what a fabulous mother I had been to him!

      And truly I was not looking for that validation I had wanted to simply validate every part of his painful experience and allow him to know that I took full ownership for it – I wanted him to trust my love and heart, and I needed this deep inner cleanse for myself.

      I couldn’t ask for a more loving, special, incredible relationship I have with my son, and how amazing he is, how close we are an how much he has grown as a spiritual and human being.

      I am so blessed with my connection with my only child.

      Years ago it seemed nothing short of a miracle was going to make this happen.

      Everything your son and yourself has experienced has been ‘perfect’, but please know that guilt, regret, resistance to this is only going to create more hard lessons, more guilt, more regret and more resistance.

      Once acceptance(love, humility and deep inner awareness and growth) is sort you will leave all of the pain behind, and not be stuck in the cycles of repeating it.

      I hope this helps.

      Thank you for mentioniong me in N Moms survival Group. The N mom has not been my experience, but I do know that the healing dynamic of coming home to healing our broken parts is the same dynamic regardless of who the N was.

      Mel xo

  • schud@comcast.net'
    sharon Chud
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Melanie. I wanted to add a thought. I am over 50 and this is the first time I have joy and happiness in my life without a lover. My being is connected with love for myself. And all of a sudden everything is coming to me: money is appearing out of no-where(really); I’m publishing my book, and I know a wonderful relationship is in my near future. All like abraham-hicks says: it will be when you lined up with who you really are. Its truely amazing Melanie. Its taken me almost a lifetime to get to this point but I’m so grateful I finally learned this lesson and still have time in this life time to have and enjoy incredible joy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      this is such a lovely thought 🙂

      I love what you have written, and this is so true. When we love ourself, we love life, and because we are ‘at one with life’ the magic connects and flows!

      I am having the exact same experience after becoming newly single again. The dynamic of feel full and fulfilled and genuinely happy in my own skin and within my Soul used to take years – now it has been a very direct and powerful process.

      Hun it probably took you many lifetimes to come home to yourself, not just this one.

      You are right this is where true healthy love is created, because you are bringing ‘you’ to a new relationship.

      As long as you trust your heart, your intuition and deep self, which is how your feelings and heart connect with a new person, and know that you are not glamourising and seeking external power (which is only what a narc is offering) you will not fall for the same dynamic again.

      You will love yourself and him for all the right reasons.

      And you are so right being 40, 50 or even 60 (or any age) is glorious – there are no limits!

      Great job Sharon 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tmadden@walton.k12.ga.us'
    Teresa
    February 10, 2013

    Mel,
    It has been a week since I left my NH, abuse, and 32 year marriage. No Contact is definitely the way to break loose. I had already saved money to set up an apartment to move in to, I bought a new phone, blocked all who would know my husband from Facebook and my email, and set up for myself a small group of friends who would be there if I should need them to keep me focused on getting out. On the way to my new apartment on the morning I left, I threw away my old phone in a dumpster so I would not be able to look at messages or texts from my NH or friends trying to send me back “home”. (Good people but with no understanding of what their good intentions were sending me back to.) Although I felt sick to my stomach, nervous, and a little lost, I did it. I chose to live and to heal. It has been a week I’ll never forget. I did as you said, and took responsibility for every cringe of fear, doubt, or guilt…dealing with it, not hiding it or pushing it aside. I had to deal with where it was coming from and what was triggering it. It was like surgery, but what release and joy when removed and gone. There is much healing to be done, but every time I let go and release the darkness of the lie or infection, the easier it is the next time. And you are right when you say that the forgiveness and acceptance that must take place will come at the most unexpected moments. It is really an act of forgiving and accepting myself. Allowing myself to grow toward the light that had always been there, but I was too afraid to get close to. I have a long way to go, but the first step has passed. I had no idea how strong I could be. I had forgotten where good choices can take me. It has just been a week, but it has been a week of moving in the right direction. My 21 year old daughter is delighted, but my 26 year old son thinks I am a horrible person right now. I told him that he can accept this or not, but his anger and hate for me right now will not stop me from being happy and living life again. I assured him of how much I loved him and that I am still his mom, but can not live in a world of lies and abuse any longer. I can’t live in this world of “pretend” just so he could go on feeling secure in something that has never been there, and never will be. I am sure he will understand one day, hopefully, but as you say..I can not be responsible for another’s life and happiness. Only mine. There is sooo much more I could share, but this is a good start! I love you to pieces, Mel! (As we say in the south!) Thank you.
    Teresa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Teresa,

      Your post is glorious, and you have reaped the rewards by bravely and truthfully going directly to your inner pain and performing your emotional surgery.

      Yes! This is it exactly – when that is done and released then the valve to your Soul starts pouring through into your True Self and you do fill up with joy and fullness and love for self (our natural state without the junk).

      I am so pleased that it is getting easier and easier to go to the pain, as it does when we understand the incredible and beautiful benefits.

      By walking truth, and feeling and ‘seeing’ the love and connection you and your son have – it will heal truly. And the great thing is you are walking your truth, you are not handing your power over to this.

      Teresa I love your expression…please know I love you to pieces too with all my heart, and I am so happy you have found your way back to you – and you have been able to get on this path of ‘self’ so quickly and so powerfully.

      Truly healing is not a time-line, it is always about how much for real, how much humility, love and support are we going to apply in order to directly address and go to those parts of ourself that are wounded to do the work on them – without resistance and with the Soul purpose to heal.

      Teresa I am so pleased your courage and commitment to yourself is paying off – as it always and only will ever do.

      And honey all you have to do is keep it up…When hurt comes rather than going into your mind to wrestle it – just keep owning it, go deeply within and do the work on releasing and healing it – and you will just keep bursting out the other side into more and more of your Soul truth.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    Reading this post is simply HEALING.

    Thank you.

    It quelled residual emotions that came up for some reason.

    I would also like to ask too, why is it that – or is there anyone else who had/has this experience – of being curious as to how their narc-ex is after detaching from them?

    I was asking myself where this curiosity was coming from hours ago when I randomly and out of the blue entered my narc-ex’s name on facebook. There are constricted feelings and emotions that came up and I felt. Not as charged as before but the emotions are slightly still present – 5-6 out of 10.

    And then I realized, it was my curiosity that lead me to that point. Mel, have you had this experience? What is this? Why is this? It’s like looking for a wall to slam my head in — where is that curiosity coming from????

    Jend

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      I am glad this article has been healing for you.

      Yes this is common for many people – and what this is signifying is that there are still parts of you that are a match for the narcissist – unhealed parts that are still entertaining him in your energy field or carrying the illusion of ‘loss’ and / or ‘regret’ and / or ‘he is / was responsible for my wellbeing’.

      These parts can be different for people, yet although we are all unique our inner unhealed parts can be incredibly similar.

      When you address these parts, it will be as if ‘he’ is behind a wall, exists in a different Universe that is not your reality – and truly you will not care…knowing that whatever ‘he’ is doing will simply be ‘more of the same’ and it is nothing you wish to attach to, know about or bring into your vibration in any shape or form.

      There will be no illusions that all of a sudden he has ‘changed’ you ‘missed out’ or that his life is being generated from a True Self perspective…and therefore there is nothing to ‘miss’ and nothing to check up on.

      Hun this curioisty is coming from deep within you – something that you need to heal still.

      By the way block his facebook, and remove the temptation on every level – this will help you let go and get on to your healing of this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
    Madonna
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Mel.

    I wanted to add from my previous post regarding the narc “thrashing” and functioning through reaction. I am seeing this every single day with him. It has worsened over the past year. He seems to be unraveling at an unprecedented rate. In the past 12 months exactly he has been beaten up by his best mate (another narc), has had a truck accident, then a drunk driving accident, and had an allegation of workplace bullying lodged against him. Finally a child support bill arrived for over $4000. I almost can’t believe all this myself. His behaviour has spiralled and he doesn’t try to pretend with me anymore so I am treated with contempt, disrepect and hatred everyday.he either continually bullies me or ignores me completely BUT still manages to invade my space. What I think is that the more I recover and own myself, the more he unravels and worsens.

    You’re right Mel. A narc could win an acedemy award for best performance. He saps more energy than having 3 year old twins and I’m not even joking because I’ve HAD 3 year old twins! I really believe that I am seeing a narc thrashing. It is the best description of it. I’m actually waiting for a meteorite to land on him.

    Am I seeing him becoming revealed or has karma reversed back on him? Either way, I am watching it all with mild fascination. He has lost me and he knows it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Madonna,

      Very true in this accelerating shift anyone with unhealed parts is going to reap the ‘so within so without’ effects more and more so…

      By healing and empowering yourself he can no longer ‘anger dump’ and scapegoat you as the reason for his inner torment and external manifestations – so yes he is going to try to punish you for not being accountable for his pain.

      Hun he will only invade your space if you allow it – and this is why total disconnection is the only answer.

      Narcs are ingenious and he will attempt anything to hook you and project on to you – to try to relieve his torment.

      Why need to live your life armoured up against it – when real and true life simply does not involve an emotional war zone with an angry, non-accountable child in an adult’s body?

      I hope you can break away soon, and then toxify the addiction to him – which will be part of your healing process. You have been conditioned to accept this war-zone (and had unhealed parts that allowed it and maintained staying), and that needs to heal.

      Mel xo

  • kellief@y7mail.com'
    Kellie
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I know that in my experience I was definitely disconnected from my true self and my own soul energy.

    The thing is, I had 3 beautiful children and a nice family life.

    I left my husband because the relationship we had was dysfunctional. The punishment he put me through was horrific and it wasn’t until I found you and your material and NARP that I got empowered and stopped the abuse.

    I went to court last year and with your help, I got into my truth and I won.

    The thing is, I have been so desperately sad over the loss of the family unit and the loss of the future that other people have with their family intact.

    I went to my brother’s daughter’s wedding and watching their family experience together was beautiful. I can’t have that and it hurts.

    Amazingly, my ex husband phoned me yesterday and says he is still saddened every day by the loss of the family unit. You don’t know how tormenting this is for me. I know beyond doubt the fulfillment I would have if only we could be a family unit. Is there any hope for a narc to reconnect with their soul and authentic self or is it truly hopeless?

    Kellie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Kellie,

      it is wonderful that you have taken ownership for your unhealed parts – truly – but you need to go a lot further with this.

      Sweetie, many people can relate re the feelings of loss of ‘what I had’…but in your own words you need to realise what you have written ‘The punishment he put me through was horrific’.

      I know you ‘get’ this at a head level, but you have not done enough deep healing work to understand and ‘come home to you’ on a Soul level yet.

      Hence the cognitive dissonance (trying to reason and bargain with yourself / him / life/ God) to get your old life back.

      I don’t know what he did Kellie – but I can assess ‘the punishment he put me through was horrific’ means absolute NPD behaviour.

      To me this is POINT BLANK: Pathological lying to secure agendas regardless of damage it causes to others, maliscious pay back purposeful behaviour, smearing, vengeance etc. All of these things fall under the umbrella of ‘punishment’, and it is simply a day in the life of a narcissist whose False Self is threatened.

      You KNOW how horrific, devestating and ‘self’ destroying it is to be on the other end of that – FROM a person who you believed was supposed to love you and look after you like no other.

      Devestating does not even come close…truly is there any greater wound – this level of betrayal – being lined up and malisciously ‘destroyed’ be someone you ‘love’?

      I don’t believe there is…

      Receiving that, or putting yourself in the firing line to again go through it one day in the future (and you will if he has not healed his inner demons) is akin to emotionally offering yourself up to a firing squad. It is NOT life – it is self sanctioned emotional death.

      Be very clear Kellie thse behaviours mean a total disconnection to one’s Soul and reverence for self, life and others. This is incredibly serious and is not ‘human’…and any grown adult who has the capacity to act like this is highly disordered, extremely damaged, and is not safe (ever) to share a life with.

      It is great you won at court.. absolutely… but as we all know just physical wins is not the real answer to recovery – not by a long shot.

      The emotional gift and liberation is the real win.

      Your ex-husband is still hooking in to you.

      My question would be – has he taken full responsibility? Has he owned and admitted that his original horrific unhealed wounds (not you) are the cause of his ability ‘to punish so horrifically?’ (Non NPD’s may get frustrated and angry and have disagreements but do not do ‘out of bounds’ horrific behaviour).

      Has he committed FULLY to a therapy, course of action, and deep inner healing to address these issues as a HUGE priority in his life?

      Is he willing to honour and respect you and leave you alone until he has healed these issues without needing narc supply from another female – because he TRULY loves you, values the family and himself enough to do all that he can to take responsibility and heal?

      Truly Kellie – ‘I still love you and miss you’ – without the usual ‘but’s and paybacks and deflecting responsibility’ – may sound genuine – but it is not even on the football field let alone near the goals.

      I have never heard of a narc who is capable of repeat maliscious behaviour that constituted very low remorse or responsibility (close to the event), have anywhere near the ‘sense of self’ to take responsibility and commit to the deep inner healing – which is ESSENTIAL to become a healthy, safe, self-responsible partner.

      There are ‘angry’ people with unhealed parts who may lash out as human beings but can very quickly afterwards take responsbility and be accountable.

      Absolutely there is hope for these people, they have the brain-wriring and Soul connection to heal…I have worked with quite a few men in healings who fall into this category absolutely.

      Sweetie even if he did ‘do’ the necessary work on himself, from how bad his disorder is – it would take years of therapy – possibly decades.

      My son in one of my cognitive dissonance moments said the most profound thing. “Why on earth would you have to change someone in order to be with them. Why not just pick a healthy person?”

      It’s so true…

      I know you are struggling to see your future yet as healthy with someone else, and the truth of leaving this horror behind you for good.

      Here is your illusion “I know beyond doubt the fulfillment I would have if only we could be a family unit”.

      This needs to change to “I will not experience outer fulfillment until I know how to be genuine fullfiment within myself – regardless of what I do or don’t have on the outside”.

      This is your true Soul lesson, this is why you have had this experience, and this is your only choice to be liberated from this pain.

      The incredible irony is that when you do make ‘your fulfillment to yourself’ your true mission, and you get there – you will see it all so clearly, and no longer will you pine for what you lost – you will know exactly what you have gained.

      I hope what I have written has helped, and truly Kellie get to work on this pain within you, and commit to you…it’s your only true choice – otherwise you are going to have to go through ‘more’ of the lesson – and each time it will hit harder, until you do accept it.

      Mel xo

  • kellief@y7mail.com'
    Kellie
    February 10, 2013

    Dear Mel,

    Thank you! I know you are right and I still have work to do.

    He has not committed to anything at all. He never will and I guess I need to fully accept that.

    I do need to keep working on me and being my source of fulfillment. It’s still hard to accept the loss of a future family the way I grew up knowing family.

    I am going to commit to more work on me. I desperately want to experience happiness and real love in a healthy relationship. Your son is extremely profound and very wise. Why should you change someone? I do need to pick someone healthy.

    Thanks again,

    Kellie xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Kellie,

      If he ever approached you on that level there may be hope. Not you forcing him to, and not you fighting for that level of accountability. (Which is what always takes place with narcs).

      The ‘I miss you and love you’s’ mean nothing without accountability and determined action on his behalf to become a healthy and safe human being (anyone’s base line requirement in a love relationship), and certainly the narc’s way of blaming you (they all do) for being everything that his pathological self is, as soon as accountability is required – is NOT good enough.

      It’s great that you see that there is no hope – because then the wishful thinking and painful ruminating does not need to continue. You can close the door on any possibility of him ‘getting it’, work on yourself, heal and move forward.

      Hun, you can have a future family – it may just not be the way you thought your family would be.

      That’s okay, Life has a much better plan in store for you if you honour you. And none of your dreams, wishes and plans for your life need to suffer because he is disordered.

      Choose and create yourself as healthy and then absolutely you will pick a partner who is healthy. Narcs are the minority of the adult male population – your chances are better than good 🙂

      Yes my son is very wise, he often is my voice of truth and reason 🙂 Our young people are amazing!

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 10, 2013

    Hi Mel, I get it! Now it is time to target my beliefs. It is difficult to see it at the time, but now I do and will work at these things I need to let go of. Karma works with all of us, I understand this to be true, where what we believe to be happening or what is going to happen according to our belief systems, it will deliver to us exactly what we believe. (I think that makes sense and I got it right?) Even though I was doing a nice thing for someone, my belief may have been, I was expecting something to happen, which is a pattern that has played out in my life. It is a bit challenging for me to understand though about setting my boundaries, being firm with them and the neighbours were not respecting them. I was not charging on them, simply set them and let it go. They were still violating them. I guess in time, the more I work with NARP the more I dig into my belief systems the more chords I cut the better my life will be. Life is great and much better than where I was a year ago, but yes I still need to keep working on myself. Thanks for your valuable time and much love xx Ps: I work with QFH even without listening to the recordings as I go in and feel my pain and know how to release it while relaxing with yoga and during my walks. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      this is awesome, and I love your level of self-honesty Jac….hence why you do grow and evolve so powerfully!

      Yes you got it spot on!

      Sweetie, perfect and yes once you know the process with QF you can absolutely do it anywhere! I work on myself whilst driving the car (only on freeway on cruise control!), sitting waiting at an appointment, in the shower – almost anywhere in fact!

      That’s lovely you are doing that – it can become a total daily practice. It is for me…

      All we need to do is feel a charge, ask and open up to ‘What is it in me that is creating this?’ then load it up, spiral it out and bring in the Source empowered belief.

      I love it! So powerfully transformational! Glad you do too!

      Mel xo

      • jacsplat@msn.com'
        Jac
        February 10, 2013

        I have taken time this afternoon to think about where my belief systems about life started from and why things happen to me the way they do. A childhood of learning from my mother who gave and gave which cost her very dearly on more than one occasion and giving herself away, selling herself short, not keeping anything for herself. I have followed the same patterns of just constantly giving myself away, not setting boundaries, saying it is ok, when it is not and selling my soul to complete strangers, by telling them too much about me and my life, far too early, without learning who they are first. Big mistake we all make, making us easy prey for a narc. As for boundaries, it is only a year ago that I had even heard of them.

        One thing I realised re the kitten situation is I wanted a cat, have been thinking about it for a while and this little cat came along. Even though I did the right by her, my intuition was telling me the owners would turn up I was ‘feeling’ uneasy about it. One night they did and my worst fears were realised. I believed her to be mine, but she never was. After a shift, I accepted it and was genuinely happy she was back with her family after i cleared the shock of loosing my illusion, which is what it was. Illusions can be camoflagued so well and manifest into what we want to believe is real. I also think I want my sister to act and be a certain way not only for her sake, but also for me, if I am totally honest, which I am. I have to let her go and let her just live her life with out judging her. If any of my family want to judge me, then that is their stuff and their opinion of me.

        I think a good article could be about Karma Mel and cause and effect. It would help me and probably others as to the dynamics of how it truly works. I still am not completely clear on it. As far as I know, good karma should be with me, not the opposite. I believed it was good karma this week and even felt it strongly. Instead I attracted bad karma, from believing in an illusion instead of what was real. What was real was not as desirable.

        Enjoy your new move Mel and may lots of light and love fill your new home. ((hug)) Jac x

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 11, 2013

          Hi Jac,

          these are fantastic realisations and you are so on the right track…

          I agree totally with everything you have written.

          Fabulous job!

          What a great idea – I would love to write an article about karma…definetely.

          May be sonner rather than later! 🙂

          Thank you for your well wishes, I am really enjoying the energy and space of my new place – it is lovely! And I am reunited with my darling pussy cat – loving that!

          Mel xo

          • jacsplat@msn.com'
            Jac
            February 11, 2013

            Best wishes for you and your kitty, may you both find contentment, happiness, and purr together in harmony. Your little note about your pussy cat has inspired me to feel into the time when I will also enjoy the company of a cat. It will happen very soon and in the right way.

            I cleared a lot of junk today while on my walk and I had the sunlight as my golden warmth, the breeze to help spiral out my swirling mass of junk, the light was perfect and I was physically in my sacred space so feeling all the sensations of the shift in its natural state.

            For anyone who wants to really clear a lot of pain very effectively then go to your sacred space physically and feel the elements of life rather than just imagining them. It made a huge difference for me. xx

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            February 11, 2013

            HI Jac,

            Thank you my love, yes we are both very happy here – the space and set up is divine. Gorgeous energy 🙂

            I am sure you will have the most divine, amazing little feline in your life soon – totally!

            What you have written is so inspirational and beautiful! That is so true – clearing in nature is so powerful and incredible.

            Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 10, 2013

    Mel, are you going to watch “making couples happy?” starts on Thursday night. It could be a very interesting programme. I would be very interested to hear what you have to say about it, if you are planning on watching. We may sit there and shake our heads 🙂 or we may learn something else from it, from a different angle. What do you think? x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2013

      Hun,

      I have just moved into a new townhouse, and I am still setting up my lounge room – new furniture being delivered this week 🙂

      If I get it done in time – I’m there! 🙂 I’d love to have a look at this…

      Mel xo

  • mdaniels732@aol.com'
    Melody
    February 10, 2013

    I am so grateful for finding out what was going on for my entire life. I stated before I did not no what a Narc was. I realized now that both my marriages where to N. they started off good but ended badly. I had given so much of myself trying to secure love and happiness. trying to prove to him I was worthy. Only to realize the more I tried the worst it got. I have had so many ah ha moments. It just wonderful to know what was going on and now to do the work on myself. I found a huge piece of the puzzle recently. I have five sisters and we all where going through rough times most of our lives. A few weeks ago our mom got sick. She had a a heart attack few years ago and now having serious problems. My sister all came into town and we got together for the first time in years and talked. It all came together mom is a Narc! We grow up where there was no hugs kisses love yous or encouragement. We where not taught about money love relationships or our self worth. I felt bad because I had only a few good memories of childhood. to my surprise my sister did’t either. My poor dad he caught hell. He even came out and said he thought it was him all these years. Dad thought she had split personality. For the first time we hugged and cried together. Ever thing has come together! We are healing! I thank God for you Mel. I thank God that I am on my way home to me and so are my sisters.

    • susannicolaperks@hotmail.co.uk'
      susan
      February 11, 2013

      susan on February 11, 2013 at 1:14 am said:

      Reply

      Hello, 9 weeks ago i left my controlling,manipulative emotionally abusive partner and i can’t seem to move forward.He was 22 when i met him. I was 37, I was with him for 15 months and I am now 39, he lives in my street. He was strong,charming,good looking and i was his first proper girlfriend as he had never been in love before. Our relationship blossomed despite the age gap his family and mine accepted it well. We fell deeply in love and everybody could see how much he adored me. I in return was smitten by this young naive fresh man with no baggage. I hadn’t felt this happy in many many years and my 3 children thought he was great. The first year was amazing, i knew he had some emotional issues ,jealousy, paranioa, obsessive,insecure..yes yes..all the red flags were out,but i thought with my worldly life experience and patience and trust i could guide him through it. I always made sure he felt loved and happy. Over the time i lost my friends,he became fearful of them and said they were bad for me, he said they would lead me astray. I listened to him and knew it was part of his possessiveness and took no notice. He disliked me going out in general and all my activites had ro revolve around him. When we went out he became angry at other men for looking at me and told me that i couldn’t ever look at another man again, not even celebrities on the tv. I knew this was out of order so i used to humour him and sometimes wind him up about how silly he was being, little did i know what was instore for me. I was told that it was his job to make me laugh and smile and nobody else was allowed to do it. Soon came the put downs as a mother and as a woman in general, the nasty names started, the belittling the subtle remarks that made me feel worthless. We briefly split but i begged him to return as i loved him so much and i just wanted to help. He said he would change, and told me he knew he had issues (counselling when he was younger had failed) He seemed to resent his mother and said that he ruled his house and his mom did what she was told to do, he seemed to enjoy having so much power,everything in his life had to be controlled,he had to win at everything,he hated loosing,he hated weak people,he hated other girls he didn’t seem to like anything or anyone in life other than me. He said he loved me and no other man would ever love me the same and he was so scared of losing me. Things were ok for a very short time, but the major control kicked in again, he told me if he lost his job he would move in with me so he could see what I was doing and where I was going, he disliked me going anywhere without him. Then one fateful night after me and him had been out drinking with my work collegues he flipped out. I think he had spotted some man giving me the eye in the pub and that pushed him over the edge. He tried to strangle me, he called me a whore, slag, tart ,scum, told me i was a sad old woman,told me i deserved everything i got off men,he told me he could never marry somebody like me, and he told me that he was the boss in our relationship and i should start doing what i was told. I was gutted,heartbroken and deeply confused. How could this man go from adoring me totally to making me feel like dirt. I walked away from him very relunctantly, but soon realised i still loved him, i told his parents what had happened,they went mad and told him he needed help,which he denies.. for 9 weeks he’s cut me out of his life. I dont think i ever existed to him. Ive asked him to talk, sent him links on self help for his problems, told him i’ll help him no matter..but nothing… it’s killing me as he lives 10 doors up from me.. i’m trying to move on but he’s crushed my spirit, i have good days and bad.. i dont cry so much anymore, but i feel like a shell of the person i was before. I feel pathetic for contacting him, and im in the process of stopping that. All i ever wanted to do was help him. He knows i love him and he knows i’d do anything to help him. He told me he doesn’t think he will ever change for anyone.. Your website has been so helpful, I now know why he did what he did and why he chose me (he liked my strength and good nature, he could see that I was a very good person) in the end what attracted him to me became my downfall. I have read so much and it’s slowly sinking in. You know it’s silly but I feel like I was a trial run in his life and he will be totally perfect to his next girlfriend. I’ve read that this isn’t the case and that unless he has proper help he will never change. I feel sorry for him,i really do, he’s so young with so much anger… Many thanks for your website once again. Thanks from Susan x x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2013

      Hi Melody,

      Thank you for your post, and I am so glad you are gaining clarity.

      That is absolutely beautiful the healing you and your sisters have been able to discover and come together on.

      That is so beautiful, and you are so very welcome Melody 🙂

      Mel xo

  • susannicolaperks@hotmail.co.uk'
    susan
    February 11, 2013

    I will admit that for a while I was in total denial that he is a Narc… I made allowances for his age and lack of relationship experience I had a lot of people tell me that he just loved me “too much” .. I will say that was easier on my ears than having to say he was completely “abusive” I’ve had my opinions and ideas of him shattered,and it’s very uncomfortable to have to learn that in actual fact “I wasn’t that special to him after all” :o( x x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 11, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      yes you certainly were having a relationship with a personality disordered individual.

      What is important now is your recovery and healing as to why you attracted and sustained a relationship with him, and why it is so hard to emotionally let go.

      This is all about you creating a solid sense of ‘self’.

      When you do that you can accept you weren’t so special to him (disordered people are not avaliable to genuinely love), and this entire healing journey regarding coming home to yourself, is to do the inner work so that you can authentically become special (loved) to yourself.

      This is what you need to work on in order to create this.

      Mel xo

  • moniquelester393@gmail.com'
    Monique Lester
    February 12, 2013

    This resonates so much with me. Very, very beautiful and thanks x

  • bmwstbill@yahoo.com'
    Bill Shockley
    February 15, 2013

    Good Day Melanie,
    I read this blog and it was stunning for me because your words wrapped together so many of the thoughts that are floating about in my consciousness.

    I am 8 months out of my 5 year narc relationship and the feel a strong healing presence and joy and freedom are also coming on strongly. I have said to many of my friends that my life is like a blank sheet of paper and finially I get to scetch out my own ideas and plan. I get to create my own new life for me.

    Like you I am feeling the crumbling of our society as the narcs lose control. Why it is happening now I do not know but I am happy to feel it and to align myself with the energy. As I aged Mel I lost many of my emotional and physical fears. I am a registered nurse, actually a mechanic and I have worked on a little bit of everything , people being the most difficult. I have done the ‘good thing’ for many others. I have helped others. Now I will help myself.

    The realization that narcs are impossible to repair has been a hard lesson for me but I get it. On a physical plane maybe there really is good and evil, angels and devils and the helpers of both. Some days that explaination makes the most sense to me.

    Well anyway thanks for the peace and calm you channeled my way and for all you do. I sincerely hope it works both ways and that you get it all back.

    The walls are falling, all we need to do is get out of the way and get ready to rebuild our world in the image of our true self.

    Peace and every love Melanie.
    Thank you.
    bill

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    February 15, 2013

    It is now nearly two months since I terminated my relationship with my N boyfriend and my life has moved into new realms. He has tried to make contact with me even though I have deleted all his information and cannot contact me. I have weakened a few times because we go to some of the same places, but quickly realised what was happening; the words mean nothing. He is always amazingly charming when we have met but this has quickly degenerated and he has never once apologised for his behaviour towards me. Interestingly, I am feeling very little these days; there is less charge. I have been diligent in my healing work and am working with a kinesiologist to find out and heal some deeply hidden core beliefs. One comment my ex-boyfriend made was that I was changing. It is true. My boundaries are clear and I am much more expressive and protective of myself. People around me have felt the difference and say that I feel a lot more solid and connected. I feel more grounded. Boundaries is one of the issues that is being healed with the kinesiologist. She is lovely and very supportive me and accepting of my yo-yo, but honest attempts to stay separate from my ex-boyfriend. Another hidden belief was the way that I close myself off from some experiences and disappear because of fear. This is now dissipating. I can stay in my body more and do not disappear so much. The most recent belief is connected to my higher self and is about the awful quandaries I have with decision-making. What was uncovered in the kinesiology session is that I do not trust my higher self and now I have released that fear so I can ask my higher self about what I need to do about all things connected to me and my issues. This is probably one of the reasons why I took so long to separate from my ex-boyfriend. Now I am able to stay calmer and clearer and make decisions based on what I need that serves me. I feel as if I am living a totally new life. This year I am teaching a very demanding Kindergarten class and yet I have a lot of energy that is being released, along with a creativity that has not been evident in my life for some years now. I am getting back the desire to make things for my classroom and to express myself artistically like I always used to do. Another thing that has changed is that for the last 10 years, I have had a consultancy after school where I have taught children with learning difficulties. I have loved doing this work but on the top of a busy teaching day, I have often felt depleted and exhausted and there has been little room for even discovering what I might like to do and experience and having the energy to do it. I realise that I have done this work in part because of fear of not having enough money. The truth is that now I am permanent in my work and in 7 years my home will be paid off. The money from my consultancy is ‘insurance’. I feel a bit excited because I realise that it was based in fear and have chosen to let that go. Fascinatingly, this year, all bar one of my clients has not elected to continue for a variety of reasons unrelated to me. I actually feel relief and am so happy that now I have more time to focus on my healing and on where my next step might be. I really have no idea but am grateful for not having to rush to and fro every day. I have been enjoying my peaceful home and clearing things out that are no longer ‘me’. I want a beautiful space in which to live and create that is free from clutter and the past. As for my ex-boyfriend, his life is continuing to spiral out of control and fortunately, I am not around to experience his need of supply. The lack of feeling towards him, I think means that I am getting freer. I am very thankful to have discovered you Melanie with your site and all its wonderful information that has set me on my way. I continually do the healing work and read and re-read all that you have written. I want my life to reflect a beautiful new me that is whole so I can live that reality and hopefully attract a new life-partner who will be my perfect healthy match. Thanks so much.

  • princesstiaamii@hotmail.com'
    ellie
    March 14, 2013

    Dear Mel,is it true that a narcissist would think ” yeah, certain people are abusing you, so that means i will too” like they see you as an easy target? I mean just shortly after i met my narc ex, i complained to him about my mother being overbearing and controlling and i found her to harsh to be around and stated we should move far away from her. To this, he refused telling me “no” like it would be the wrong to do. Do you think he thought if i was strong enough to realise that about her, then surely i would discover him out too and possibly flee him too before he had any time to damage me. Thanks Ellie.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 14, 2013

    Hi Ellie,

    Narcs know very quickly who they can enmesh with and intesely bond with very early in the peace.

    There are two type of people that narcs try with – ones where their tactic don’t work and people don’t let them in quickly and ones who do (which of course is the category we were in)…and really it doesn’t matter what we ‘gave off’ they either could mirror, love-bomb, deeply intrude into our psychic, emotional or mental space or they couldn’t.

    Really this is rather irrelevant – we know what narcs do – and focusing on trying to work out ‘more of that’ is not your healthy answer.

    What is your healthy answer is doing the inner work on yourself to work out, heal and transform what your love patterns are (firstly between you and how you love yourself)and why you attracted and accepted abuse as a version of love – and have had trouble leaving behing the obsession (mistaken as love) and the pain…

    He is a catalyst granting you the pain as the wake up call to heal yourself…

    The focus needs to come firmly off him, and fully on to yourself – and that’s when you will become the change you wish to see in your love expereinces.

    Mel xo

  • princesstiaamii@hotmail.com'
    ellie
    March 14, 2013

    Just wondering if it would be more easy to kill oneself if you have no self, not just speaking for narcs but all of us or anyone.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 14, 2013

    I depends what you believe in Ellie…

    I did contemplate that as an option – years ago…thinking it might be easier.

    However I believe in evolution, and that there is no avoiding ‘coming home to self’…and if we do avoid it we only keep repeating our experiences over and over on the earth school until we do get it right – narcs included.

    So rather than looking down the barrel of more indefinite pain with no end in sight I decided to completely commit to the task of healing my inner self.

    You can make that choice too…

    What other choice is there really for YOU? (Nothing to do with the narc – he needs to make his own).

    If you are ready to make that choice NARP is only one click away…

    Mel xo

  • princesstiaamii@hotmail.com'
    ellie
    March 15, 2013

    Hi Mel, thanks for replying to my first comment. Your answer has given plenty to think about and start working on. But did our parents make us become no self’s. i am going to start therapy soon and i know ive been a co-dependant but i cant seem to find my true self and trust it and be happy with it. Am i destined to become a false self but NOT a narcissist. Thanks Ellie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2013

      Hi Ellie,

      you are so welcome.

      It was always ‘outside forces’ that caused us abuse / neglect – our Soul did not start off that way. The question is not ‘how’…it is about ‘do I want to create a True inner Self and be the best I can be?’ Your destiny is up to you and how committed you want to be to become healed and authentic.

      Mel xo

  • Malikakhanna@rocketmail.com'
    Malika
    March 22, 2013

    My first narcissistic experience was 8 years ago following an abusive marriage ending. 8 years on, I have had another that lasted a month.You are right, our soul is calling us back onto our real and enlightened path. Our authentic self. This 2nd experience, even though only a month long, brought up fears and insecurities that I had long thought gone. Obviously they were only suppressed. The duration of the narcissist in my life shows me that I’m heading on the right path and have a few things to clear still.

    I need to look within to understand this fear and detach.

    N did not respond to my last message. Im getting the silent treatment.N has ignored me for nearly 10 days now. I just blocked him on whatsapp also.

    What is the best way to do this, ie look within oneself?

    Thank you for this site. It has really opened up my eyes. I didnt even know about this narcissistic condition until 10 days ago.Every time I feel bad or weak, I read an article here.

    Love, laughter and light to all the brave women out there.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 27, 2013

    Hi Malika,

    thank you for your post. This is great that you are seeing the connection between the outer experiences and the inner healing your Soul is calling you to.

    The NARP Progam I created is the inner journey of finding the unhealed parts and transforming them.

    I am glad you have found this community and the resources are helping you.

    Thank you Malika for your lovely message to others 🙂

    Mel xo

  • diannew@spin.net.au'
    Dianne
    July 6, 2013

    Melanie, I am very hesitant to write this as I have much shame and guilt as a mother.

    I suspect that my daughter who is now 30, is a Narcissist or at least has strong Narc traits.
    This article stating that Narcissists are born to certain families as they are a vibrational match has me doing much soul searching and wondering about my own disconnection.

    As a baby my daughter had an ‘unusual’ energy
    and was extremely difficult – she seemed trobled and anxious and left me feeling extrmely drained and anxious.
    Needless to say, she got worse as she got older, and I thinking she didn’t feel loved enough over-indulged her and had very poor boundaries with her.

    The problem I have now is the motherhood guilt of how much I have damaged her and how much is her own in-built nature.

    Interestingly I have never been with a narcisstic partner; this is my only real narcisstic experience.

    I have had to distance myself from her which has caused much heartbreak.

    I would appreciate insights from anyone.
    Thanking you kindly.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 8, 2013

      Hi Dianne,

      that was very brave of you to write…

      Truly I feel for you – as this must be an awful situation as a mother to be in…

      The first thing that is very important here is to work on being able to release your shame, guilt and pain about this…

      These negative emotions can’t affect any positive change to ‘what is’ and truly they are damaging you…

      The truth is Dianne you did absolutely the best you could – and it stands to reason that you would try to grant more love to a child that felt ‘separate’….Of course you did not have any intention to cause any harm to her..

      But of course the cognitive part of this can’t really help your emotions. Have you worked with energetic release tools or considered them? That is your true solution – EFT or QFH (Modules in NARP would help you).

      When you do the inner work on these emotions you will be in a much better position to accept ‘what is’..(whatever that will unfold to be)…and you will be able to release and live without the emotional pain.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lafleurjayme@gmail.com'
    FoxyMcgee
    April 12, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    I have a question about your post. You stated that like attracts like where perhaps a codependent would attract a narcissist. Something that I’m confused about though, is that you also mentioned that later in the article, the narcissist is attracted to the light, and those that are more good natured. So…if they are the darkness and are attracted to light, then how can like attract like? I guess I’m just confused on this or missing something and would like more clarification if you can give it so I can fully understand. Thanks so much for the wonderful article!!!

  • jenstarck2@gmail.com'
    Jennifer
    April 18, 2018

    Hi Mealnie,

    I very much enjoyed reading the article you posted. Within the last six months I stepped out of a narcissistic relationship. He was verbally/emotionally abusive and eventually it turned into sexual abuse (one time) which is when I finally cut off the relationship. It has been hard for me to forgive myself for staying in the relationship as long as I did…I think back on times when he spoke something that was just off or not right but I stayed..Even times when he spoke fear over me when my true self knew that his words were not out of love. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until my breaking point that I cut it off. But as I read your article I realized that I do have to take responsibility for staying in the relationship in order to forgive myself and connect to my true soul.I find it interesting that my soul energy connected to his because in the past I had been a victim of assault so I very much believe that this experience attracted a future abuse in a different way. I also think that hiding the truth about the fact that I was assaulted created seeds of shame which when he spoke fear over me only caused water to be poured out over deeply rooted wounds of rejection/hurt.
    I very much desire to be the light in this world as the battle continues on. I am still working on the healing process but your article definitely gave me new insight and perspective. If you have any other final words in response to my journey I would love to hear them. God has been showing me more and more how to be transparent and that the truth of whose I am and who I am will set me free and bring me back to the original eternal thought God had of me before the foundation of the world.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 18, 2018

      Hi Jennifer,

      That is so great that you are bringing your power back to yourself … to heal you.

      Thank goodness you did leave as you said when you got to breaking point. For most of us it was only when the fear of staying became greater than our fears of breaking it off that we left.

      Jennifer the greatest truth I could ever give any of us about our healing process is that recovery is not a logical journey.

      It truly happens when we meet and release our trauma. And when we start doing that we find and uplevel the traumas specific to us. Until then we are really only guessing what they may be. We know many … as you do … yet there will be more.

      Wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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