Hello and welcome to the 30 Day To Empowered Self Series!
You can read the first lesson in the series below or
A child arrives in the world as a blank canvas.
The child does not know who they are, and this child looks to the outside world to mirror back worthiness, love and approval in order to try and establish his or her identity.
This child is completely defenceless; he or she cannot survive alone, and can’t make or create decisions towards his or her wellbeing or care.
Additionally the child’s assertions are often thwarted. He or she learns at a very early age that personal desires are not necessarily okay, and in fact they may be punished. In order for him or her to be loved and approved of there is a necessity to do what others want this child to do, rather than live by his or her own desires and feelings.
He or she realises that his or her emotional needs sometimes cannot be safely expressed, are not deemed valid and are often left unmet.
The child additionally discovers that often his or her feelings may be seen as unacceptable. As a result the child learns to distrust these feelings and disown them, whilst trying to model him or herself into what other people expect, in order to be accepted, in order to feel worthy and in order to earn love.
The child’s identity starts adapting to allow him or her to feel the safest in his or her environment. As the child starts to grow older this may mean pleasing people, or it may mean achieving accomplishments to earn the most love and approval.
Caretaking may be the safest way to try to keep a parent healthy enough to gain some love and warmth. Alternatively detaching and becoming as invisible as possible may be the safest route to take.
Does this sound familiar? Some or many of these dyanamics apply to almost every human’s childhood.
Let’s look at these following examples.
Anne grew up in a family whereby her mother was often depressed and sick. Anne had younger siblings who she often cared for when her mother was too unwell to function. Anne strived to look after her mother and do anything she could to receive love and acceptance from her but it was rarely forthcoming.
As an adult Anne’s relationships consisted of irresponsible and emotional unavailable men. By choosing these men Anne unconsciously seeks to fix her mother so that she can receive love. Yet no matter how much Anne tries to love, help and solve these men’s problems they still remain irresponsible, and unavailable to love her.
Gary grew up in a family of high achievers. His brother was always successful at anything he did and was favoured by his father. Gary felt insufficient and no matter what he did, his accomplishments were never good enough, and were chastised by his father.
In his adult relationships Gary chooses women who are demanding and have high expectations. He stays attached to these women unconsciously trying to prove to them that he is ‘good enough’ so that he can heal the original wound with his father.
Despite his efforts and trying to win approval, these women consistently criticise him and tell him he isn’t good enough.
Trish grew up in a family where her mother and father were busy working. She received very little in the way of love, attention and emotional connection. Trish in her adult relationships felt starved for love and as a result endured relationships with abusive partners.
Trish found it incredibly difficult to let go of her troubled relationships, and when she had to, she would quickly try to find another one to stop her inner emptiness and pain and the panic of being alone.
By unconsciously playing out the pattern of seeking love with unavailable people, and people who would hurt her, Trish hoped to correct her experience as a child. Yet no matter how much love and affection Trish granted her partners they did not stay with her or grant her this love back.
These are only a few of the countless number of dynamics that can occur from co-dependency, and how our original unresolved inner wounds play out and control our life.
The truth is: the majority of our belief systems, (unconscious drivers) and neuron brain pathways are established from 0 – 6 years of age, and they become powerful hard-wired patterns in our life.
We are all programmed in relation to ourself, life and love in certain ways. This programming is deep within us, it is automatic, instinctual and it controls our thinking, decisions and actions. No matter how painful our programming may be, or what we logically know what we need to do, it can feel virtually impossible to change from living out the patterns that we know are not serving us.
The reason this happens is because our thinking (decision making) will always eventually default back to exactly what our inner programming is. Our mind defaults to these inner programs, like a missile locked on to an already established target.
This is why we can make really poor choices, this is why we make excuses, and justifications to behave in certain ways. And this is why we can have titanic battles within our mind, and with our head and our heart. This is the agony of trying to go in a new direction in life whilst our hard-wired painful belief systems remain in place and are exerting their force over us.
Until we reprogram these beliefs we will continue to play out a battle between what we know we should be doing and what our beliefs are forcing us to do.
The true remedy is you need to authentically change your belief systems. This can only be achieved by committing to and doing the inner work.
In order to do this, we need to take responsibility, we need to stop blaming others, and we need to stop applying self-denial. We need to acknowledge and embrace that everything we are experiencing (choosing and participating in), and the ineffectual ways we are acting out that hurt us, are direct matches for our unhealed parts.
In order to change our life authentically, we need to commit to discovering, embracing and working on our belief systems at a much deeper level. We need to drop our defences, stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to avoid what we need to do, and freely admit we have dysfunctions within us that require transforming.
It is only when we do this that we will in fact be able to stop the battle, stop the pain and start thinking, feeling and acting in ways that are aligned with creating the realities that do serve us. Ways that will unfold and create the authentic results that serve us.
We are all in a powerful time of a shift of consciousness away from external power seeking – moving into creating authentic power from within.
In this time on this incredible planet more and more consciousness is shining down, and this is not a light of ‘brightness’ or ‘warmth’, it is a light of ‘truth’ and ‘authenticity’. What this means is, as this light gets brighter and brighter, it is going to expose the shadows – the disowned parts that we have all wanted to hide, the parts of our personality that are not aligned, not the truth of our Soul, and not based on Oneness, love and connection.
The more this light shines the harder our cages are going to be rattled, and the more these unhealed wounds of fear, pain and defences are going to start rising to the surface. Trying to hide them, mask them or avoid them is going to get tougher and tougher…
…and incredibly more painful.
The great news is, if we face them, embrace them and transform them this ‘light’ assists us tremendously. It offers us incredible opportunities to transform. It is an exciting and powerful time, filled with great reward if we choose to evolve.
It is the time to authentically heal!
Let’s Get Started!
During the 30 Days To Empowered Self you will commit to an exciting journey of self. By directly accessing and working on your belief systems, you will get a very powerful taste of what it is to transform your entire being.
This week begins by creating a script of who you want to be. This is a ‘plan’, a direction from moving out of external power (outer seeking) to authentic power (internal self-creation).
This will allow you to have an end goal in mind by picturing yourself living as who you want to be –Your True Self.
Please note: I have laid out the exercises on specific days for you to follow, and I am aware that life can be full of unforseen events. So if you need to do more than one exercise one day and none another day that is fine. Just make sure you commit to doing each exercise before the end of the week.
Day 1 – Funeral Exercise
This following exercise is an incredible way to tap into ‘who you are’, and to drop the illusions, release what does not matter and get very real with yourself.
When I first came across this exercise and performed it, I was stunned with its simplicity, and how powerful it was. I loved the way it connected me to my Soul – to truth – and reminded me for real what my life is really about.
Some years ago, when I did workshops at my home, I put this exercise to the test. When I granted it to other people, my experience was confirmed through these individuals also. They too released the clutches of their ego, as they deeply felt into their Soul and who they wish to be.
This exercise was created by Steven Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This book is a must read for anyone on a self-empowerment journey, and I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone – it truly is life-transformational.
Now find a comfortable place where you can relax and get into a meditative state.
You can do this by focusing on your breathing for a few minutes and allowing your internal chatter to slowly dissipate.
Now I want you to imagine a funeral.
This funeral is yours.
Try to imagine all of the descriptive elements of the funeral. What music is being played? What are the emotions on people’s faces? What colour are the walls, the floor, the curtains, etc?
Imagine a loved one who is speaking on the podium and they are talking about you. What would you want them to say? How would you like to be remembered?
Write at least half a page on how you would like to be remembered.
This exercise will allow you to understand what your Soul’s mission really is.
Day 2-4 What Do You Want to Achieve That You Haven’t Received Yet
Now it is time to decide what you would like to achieve within yourself and from life that you haven’t achieved yet.
The purpose of this exercise is to set the targets of what you want to achieve and then delve into your limiting beliefs which are currently holding you back from achieving them.
In order to perform this I would like you to sit down with your journal, make sure you are undisturbed and have no distractions, so that you can deeply feel into what you would like to achieve.
During this exercise you will be identifying what you would like to achieve within yourself and what you would like to achieve externally.
Because everything you create externally begins within you first I would like you to start with your inner self goals – and be really honest about them.
This is where you need to feel your vulnerabilities, the ‘less than’ aspects you feel about yourself.
Make a list of what you would like to achieve within yourself.
Your list may look something like this.
I would like to achieve:
- More self-love
- More self-acceptance
- More self-belief
- More self-approval
- More self-confidence
Remember your greatest goal in life is to feel whole. It is to reduce your neediness, your emptiness and your seeking of external power (trying to gain un-authentic fulfillment from outside of yourself).
It is to become a source of wholeness, fulfillment solidness, love and peace from within – without the need for something or someone to grant you these feelings.
After writing your ‘self’ list, I would like you to deeply feel into what is blocking you from generating these feelings.
For each item on your list feel into the limiting beliefs that holding you back from achieving these goals and write them down.
More self-love: I feel unlovable, worthless, unattractive
More self-acceptance: I’m don’t believe I’m good enough.
After doing this for every point on your list now go deeper. Go into the emptiness and the feelings of ‘lack’, and by deeply embracing these feelings and being in these feelings ask yourself – “What is causing this?”
Write down the thoughts and feeling which come up for you.
Trust yourself. Your inner infinite intelligence will grant you the answer. Childhood memories may appear…and a host of other reasons as to why you have these limiting beliefs about yourself.
Now you are on your way to the incredible and profound journey of claiming your unhealed parts. It is only through doing so that you will be able to heal them, and in fact just by doing this process with full humility and self-honesty you will immediately start healing them, because whatever is disowned when it is embraced, starts dissolving in the light – as a result of being embraced consciously.
It is vital to not be repulsed by your disowned parts, to not fear them, and to not judge them. The truth is you are human and our entire human experience (external power seeking) has caused incredible wounds that caused us to disown ourself and to buy into the illusion of being unworthy and unlovable – which is certainly NOT the truth of our Soul.
You can choose to buy into these illusions with self-rejection and even self-hatred, or you can view ‘what you need to do’ as the necessary emotional surgery on these unhealed parts in order to bring them back to truth, and to stop the pain in your life.
When you make a firm commitment to do this, with full honesty, and the desire to get well, you will be excited by what you will find, knowing that you can in fact do something about the pain now.
Therefore with your list I would like you to feel deeply into every point regarding your inner self – the parts that require healing – and allow you inner truth to grant you the answers.
It is only by dropping deeply into these painful beliefs and being with them without judgement and asking the questions to yourself that you will get answers.
Be very aware NO-ONE else can give you these answers, this is your pain, you inner unhealed parts, and they all lead to YOUR reasons as to why they are there…
Only you and you Inner Self know what that is really about.
Naturally you need to commit to undisturbed time on your own – between you and you to really enter this space of ‘self’. This dedicated and loving commitment to yourself is essential.
It’s very important to trust the thoughts and feelings that come up for you when you are feeling these wounds…write whatever comes up for you – you may write pages on some of these wounds. This is going to be incredibly cathartic for you if you are not judging yourself on these wounds, and if you realise that by facing them you have already started healing them.
After working on your ‘inner’ it is now time to make a list of the external achievements you desire that you have not achieved yet.
They may look something like this:
- Financial freedom
- A healthy love relationship
- A fulfilling career
- A fit and healthy body
Now work with the identical process.
Feel into each of these points – and specifically the pain of not having achieved these things – and ask yourself ‘Why haven’t I achieved them?’…feel deeply in and write the answers that you receive from your infinite inner soul wisdom. It will tell you…
After completing this part of the exercise, we are going to set an affirmation to start creating the alignment with your goals…
Now with your list of ‘what you haven’t yet created’ – you will write the statement of…
“I am now in the process of achieving (your goal)”
- I am in the process of achieving self-love
- I am in the process of achieving self-acceptance
- I am in the process of achieving self-belief
- I am in the process of achieving self-approval
- I am in the process of achieving financial freedom
- I am in the process of achieving a healthy love relationship
- I am in the process of achieving a fulfilling career etc.
Repeat these affirmations every day during the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
I suggest writing these affirmations down and putting them next to your bed so you can read them to yourself morning and night.
These affirmations can also be used as a remedy to reprogram your negative thought patterns that you notice throughout the week.
For example if you are feeling unlovable, unloved and empty – you can counteract that programming by running this affirmation in your mind over and over (until the pain falls away)… “I am in the process of achieving self-love”.
This gets your tendency off external power seeking, trying to find someone else outside of you to grant you the ‘love’ you need to provide for yourself – which is what will always happen if you feel ‘empty’ and ‘needy’. Remember the only way you are going to achieve your goals is if you create them as an authentic foundation for yourself.
External power seeking can and will only render you more powerless and take you away from self-love and not towards it.
Your emotional mastery and learning how to apply yourself to it is vital.
Be aware of your thoughts and feelings, be aware of when you are feeling empty, needy or disappointed, and use these times to fill yourself with the positive thoughts that sustain you without you trying to grasp onto something from the outside.
In order to achieve your outer goals you must first work on your inner goals. It’s very important to do the inner work on yourself first before focusing on achieving your outer goals.
Always strive to clean up your inner fear, emptiness and emotional vibration first. If you know you have a lot of inner work to do between you and yourself, then I would suggest that you don’t focus on the external goals this week.
Day 6-7 Your Deceleration to Self
During this exercise you will be creating a powerful declaration to self.
This is a written statement of Who You Are – what you wish to contribute and what you wish to align yourself with. This is your ‘Map of Self.’
We are going to start from the outside in. What this means is that you will first of all feel into what you wish to receive from life and others.
By establishing what we want to receive we can clearly identity what we need to become in order to receive what we want from life and others.
Make a list of ten traits and values that you would like to receive from life and others.
In order to receive these values and traits from life and others you must embody these traits and practice them with integrity.
Life and others can only grant you more of your own vibration.
What this means is: your deep inner beliefs and emotions on any topic will inevitably draw the identical results from other people into your life.
In effect when we meet disappointing events ‘on the outside’ we are in fact meeting unhealed parts of ourself.
Now with each of these ten points write ‘My declaration to myself is to create myself as a character of………’
So for example you will write:
“My declaration to myself is to create myself as a character of love”.
Then you will expand on what this means to you.
“I will commit to loving myself, speaking to myself in loving, encouraging and supportive ways. I will expand love towards my family, my co-workers, my children and pets….I will choose love and compassion over fear in my interactions, and will open my heart to share and be love with the world at large.”
You will do the same for each of your ten points.
After you have completed your Declaration of Self print it out on nice paper and put it somewhere where you can see it and read it often. You may like to frame it or decorate it, it’s up to you.
By creating this Declaration of Self you are setting a very powerful intent to create what you wish to receive in your life.
30 Days To Empowered Self Prizes
It’s extremely important to understand that the changes you wish to make in life need to start with the inner you. No-one else can do the work on you for you – it truly is your job!
There is the ultimate choice in life, commit to our personal development, or stay the same! If you do want to heal, expand and transform your life it is vital to take action.
To encourage you to take this action I have decided to run a contest for the 30 Days To Empowered Self to further motivate you to achieve your healing goals.
To go into the draw for a prize all you have to do is post your answers to the questions at the bottom of this article (and in the following 3 lessons) during the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
Please know: if you wish to remain anonymous you can do so, as we will have your email address (no-one else can see this).
Please answer the following questions.
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
Post your answers in the comments below.
I hope you enjoyed the first instalment of the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
Your commitment to yourself can and does create miracles in your life, and it is my greatest wish that you honour you, commit wholeheartedly and enjoy the wonderful inner transformation that you will create for yourself.
Please look out next week for next week’s Lesson, which is releasing co-dependency and becoming a self-reliant, self-fulfilled and independent individual.
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