Hello and welcome to the 30 Day To Empowered Self Series!
You can read the first lesson in the series below or
If you prefer to listen to the series you can listen to Week 1 on the Empowered Love Radio Show.
A child arrives in the world as a blank canvas.
The child does not know who they are, and this child looks to the outside world to mirror back worthiness, love and approval in order to try and establish his or her identity.
This child is completely defenceless; he or she cannot survive alone, and can’t make or create decisions towards his or her wellbeing or care.
Additionally the child’s assertions are often thwarted. He or she learns at a very early age that personal desires are not necessarily okay, and in fact they may be punished. In order for him or her to be loved and approved of there is a necessity to do what others want this child to do, rather than live by his or her own desires and feelings.
He or she realises that his or her emotional needs sometimes cannot be safely expressed, are not deemed valid and are often left unmet.
The child additionally discovers that often his or her feelings may be seen as unacceptable. As a result the child learns to distrust these feelings and disown them, whilst trying to model him or herself into what other people expect, in order to be accepted, in order to feel worthy and in order to earn love.
The child’s identity starts adapting to allow him or her to feel the safest in his or her environment. As the child starts to grow older this may mean pleasing people, or it may mean achieving accomplishments to earn the most love and approval.
Caretaking may be the safest way to try to keep a parent healthy enough to gain some love and warmth. Alternatively detaching and becoming as invisible as possible may be the safest route to take.
Does this sound familiar? Some or many of these dyanamics apply to almost every human’s childhood.
Let’s look at these following examples.
Anne grew up in a family whereby her mother was often depressed and sick. Anne had younger siblings who she often cared for when her mother was too unwell to function. Anne strived to look after her mother and do anything she could to receive love and acceptance from her but it was rarely forthcoming.
As an adult Anne’s relationships consisted of irresponsible and emotional unavailable men. By choosing these men Anne unconsciously seeks to fix her mother so that she can receive love. Yet no matter how much Anne tries to love, help and solve these men’s problems they still remain irresponsible, and unavailable to love her.
Gary grew up in a family of high achievers. His brother was always successful at anything he did and was favoured by his father. Gary felt insufficient and no matter what he did, his accomplishments were never good enough, and were chastised by his father.
In his adult relationships Gary chooses women who are demanding and have high expectations. He stays attached to these women unconsciously trying to prove to them that he is ‘good enough’ so that he can heal the original wound with his father.
Despite his efforts and trying to win approval, these women consistently criticise him and tell him he isn’t good enough.
Trish grew up in a family where her mother and father were busy working. She received very little in the way of love, attention and emotional connection. Trish in her adult relationships felt starved for love and as a result endured relationships with abusive partners.
Trish found it incredibly difficult to let go of her troubled relationships, and when she had to, she would quickly try to find another one to stop her inner emptiness and pain and the panic of being alone.
By unconsciously playing out the pattern of seeking love with unavailable people, and people who would hurt her, Trish hoped to correct her experience as a child. Yet no matter how much love and affection Trish granted her partners they did not stay with her or grant her this love back.
These are only a few of the countless number of dynamics that can occur from co-dependency, and how our original unresolved inner wounds play out and control our life.
The truth is: the majority of our belief systems, (unconscious drivers) and neuron brain pathways are established from 0 – 6 years of age, and they become powerful hard-wired patterns in our life.
We are all programmed in relation to ourself, life and love in certain ways. This programming is deep within us, it is automatic, instinctual and it controls our thinking, decisions and actions. No matter how painful our programming may be, or what we logically know what we need to do, it can feel virtually impossible to change from living out the patterns that we know are not serving us.
The reason this happens is because our thinking (decision making) will always eventually default back to exactly what our inner programming is. Our mind defaults to these inner programs, like a missile locked on to an already established target.
This is why we can make really poor choices, this is why we make excuses, and justifications to behave in certain ways. And this is why we can have titanic battles within our mind, and with our head and our heart. This is the agony of trying to go in a new direction in life whilst our hard-wired painful belief systems remain in place and are exerting their force over us.
Until we reprogram these beliefs we will continue to play out a battle between what we know we should be doing and what our beliefs are forcing us to do.
The true remedy is you need to authentically change your belief systems. This can only be achieved by committing to and doing the inner work.
In order to do this, we need to take responsibility, we need to stop blaming others, and we need to stop applying self-denial. We need to acknowledge and embrace that everything we are experiencing (choosing and participating in), and the ineffectual ways we are acting out that hurt us, are direct matches for our unhealed parts.
In order to change our life authentically, we need to commit to discovering, embracing and working on our belief systems at a much deeper level. We need to drop our defences, stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to avoid what we need to do, and freely admit we have dysfunctions within us that require transforming.
It is only when we do this that we will in fact be able to stop the battle, stop the pain and start thinking, feeling and acting in ways that are aligned with creating the realities that do serve us. Ways that will unfold and create the authentic results that serve us.
We are all in a powerful time of a shift of consciousness away from external power seeking – moving into creating authentic power from within.
In this time on this incredible planet more and more consciousness is shining down, and this is not a light of ‘brightness’ or ‘warmth’, it is a light of ‘truth’ and ‘authenticity’. What this means is, as this light gets brighter and brighter, it is going to expose the shadows – the disowned parts that we have all wanted to hide, the parts of our personality that are not aligned, not the truth of our Soul, and not based on Oneness, love and connection.
The more this light shines the harder our cages are going to be rattled, and the more these unhealed wounds of fear, pain and defences are going to start rising to the surface. Trying to hide them, mask them or avoid them is going to get tougher and tougher…
…and incredibly more painful.
The great news is, if we face them, embrace them and transform them this ‘light’ assists us tremendously. It offers us incredible opportunities to transform. It is an exciting and powerful time, filled with great reward if we choose to evolve.
It is the time to authentically heal!
Let’s Get Started!
During the 30 Days To Empowered Self you will commit to an exciting journey of self. By directly accessing and working on your belief systems, you will get a very powerful taste of what it is to transform your entire being.
This week begins by creating a script of who you want to be. This is a ‘plan’, a direction from moving out of external power (outer seeking) to authentic power (internal self-creation).
This will allow you to have an end goal in mind by picturing yourself living as who you want to be –Your True Self.
Please note: I have laid out the exercises on specific days for you to follow, and I am aware that life can be full of unforseen events. So if you need to do more than one exercise one day and none another day that is fine. Just make sure you commit to doing each exercise before the end of the week.
Day 1 – Funeral Exercise
This following exercise is an incredible way to tap into ‘who you are’, and to drop the illusions, release what does not matter and get very real with yourself.
When I first came across this exercise and performed it, I was stunned with its simplicity, and how powerful it was. I loved the way it connected me to my Soul – to truth – and reminded me for real what my life is really about.
Some years ago, when I did workshops at my home, I put this exercise to the test. When I granted it to other people, my experience was confirmed through these individuals also. They too released the clutches of their ego, as they deeply felt into their Soul and who they wish to be.
This exercise was created by Steven Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This book is a must read for anyone on a self-empowerment journey, and I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone – it truly is life-transformational.
Now find a comfortable place where you can relax and get into a meditative state.
You can do this by focusing on your breathing for a few minutes and allowing your internal chatter to slowly dissipate.
Now I want you to imagine a funeral.
This funeral is yours.
Try to imagine all of the descriptive elements of the funeral. What music is being played? What are the emotions on people’s faces? What colour are the walls, the floor, the curtains, etc?
Imagine a loved one who is speaking on the podium and they are talking about you. What would you want them to say? How would you like to be remembered?
Write at least half a page on how you would like to be remembered.
This exercise will allow you to understand what your Soul’s mission really is.
Day 2-4 What Do You Want to Achieve That You Haven’t Received Yet
Now it is time to decide what you would like to achieve within yourself and from life that you haven’t achieved yet.
The purpose of this exercise is to set the targets of what you want to achieve and then delve into your limiting beliefs which are currently holding you back from achieving them.
In order to perform this I would like you to sit down with your journal, make sure you are undisturbed and have no distractions, so that you can deeply feel into what you would like to achieve.
During this exercise you will be identifying what you would like to achieve within yourself and what you would like to achieve externally.
Because everything you create externally begins within you first I would like you to start with your inner self goals – and be really honest about them.
This is where you need to feel your vulnerabilities, the ‘less than’ aspects you feel about yourself.
Make a list of what you would like to achieve within yourself.
Your list may look something like this.
I would like to achieve:
- More self-love
- More self-acceptance
- More self-belief
- More self-approval
- More self-confidence
Remember your greatest goal in life is to feel whole. It is to reduce your neediness, your emptiness and your seeking of external power (trying to gain un-authentic fulfillment from outside of yourself).
It is to become a source of wholeness, fulfillment solidness, love and peace from within – without the need for something or someone to grant you these feelings.
After writing your ‘self’ list, I would like you to deeply feel into what is blocking you from generating these feelings.
For each item on your list feel into the limiting beliefs that holding you back from achieving these goals and write them down.
Examples:
More self-love: I feel unlovable, worthless, unattractive
More self-acceptance: I’m don’t believe I’m good enough.
After doing this for every point on your list now go deeper. Go into the emptiness and the feelings of ‘lack’, and by deeply embracing these feelings and being in these feelings ask yourself – “What is causing this?”
Write down the thoughts and feeling which come up for you.
Trust yourself. Your inner infinite intelligence will grant you the answer. Childhood memories may appear…and a host of other reasons as to why you have these limiting beliefs about yourself.
Now you are on your way to the incredible and profound journey of claiming your unhealed parts. It is only through doing so that you will be able to heal them, and in fact just by doing this process with full humility and self-honesty you will immediately start healing them, because whatever is disowned when it is embraced, starts dissolving in the light – as a result of being embraced consciously.
It is vital to not be repulsed by your disowned parts, to not fear them, and to not judge them. The truth is you are human and our entire human experience (external power seeking) has caused incredible wounds that caused us to disown ourself and to buy into the illusion of being unworthy and unlovable – which is certainly NOT the truth of our Soul.
You can choose to buy into these illusions with self-rejection and even self-hatred, or you can view ‘what you need to do’ as the necessary emotional surgery on these unhealed parts in order to bring them back to truth, and to stop the pain in your life.
When you make a firm commitment to do this, with full honesty, and the desire to get well, you will be excited by what you will find, knowing that you can in fact do something about the pain now.
Therefore with your list I would like you to feel deeply into every point regarding your inner self – the parts that require healing – and allow you inner truth to grant you the answers.
It is only by dropping deeply into these painful beliefs and being with them without judgement and asking the questions to yourself that you will get answers.
Be very aware NO-ONE else can give you these answers, this is your pain, you inner unhealed parts, and they all lead to YOUR reasons as to why they are there…
Only you and you Inner Self know what that is really about.
Naturally you need to commit to undisturbed time on your own – between you and you to really enter this space of ‘self’. This dedicated and loving commitment to yourself is essential.
It’s very important to trust the thoughts and feelings that come up for you when you are feeling these wounds…write whatever comes up for you – you may write pages on some of these wounds. This is going to be incredibly cathartic for you if you are not judging yourself on these wounds, and if you realise that by facing them you have already started healing them.
After working on your ‘inner’ it is now time to make a list of the external achievements you desire that you have not achieved yet.
They may look something like this:
- Financial freedom
- A healthy love relationship
- A fulfilling career
- A fit and healthy body
Now work with the identical process.
Feel into each of these points – and specifically the pain of not having achieved these things – and ask yourself ‘Why haven’t I achieved them?’…feel deeply in and write the answers that you receive from your infinite inner soul wisdom. It will tell you…
After completing this part of the exercise, we are going to set an affirmation to start creating the alignment with your goals…
Now with your list of ‘what you haven’t yet created’ – you will write the statement of…
“I am now in the process of achieving (your goal)”
Therefore:
- I am in the process of achieving self-love
- I am in the process of achieving self-acceptance
- I am in the process of achieving self-belief
- I am in the process of achieving self-approval
- I am in the process of achieving financial freedom
- I am in the process of achieving a healthy love relationship
- I am in the process of achieving a fulfilling career etc.
Repeat these affirmations every day during the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
I suggest writing these affirmations down and putting them next to your bed so you can read them to yourself morning and night.
These affirmations can also be used as a remedy to reprogram your negative thought patterns that you notice throughout the week.
For example if you are feeling unlovable, unloved and empty – you can counteract that programming by running this affirmation in your mind over and over (until the pain falls away)… “I am in the process of achieving self-love”.
This gets your tendency off external power seeking, trying to find someone else outside of you to grant you the ‘love’ you need to provide for yourself – which is what will always happen if you feel ‘empty’ and ‘needy’. Remember the only way you are going to achieve your goals is if you create them as an authentic foundation for yourself.
External power seeking can and will only render you more powerless and take you away from self-love and not towards it.
Your emotional mastery and learning how to apply yourself to it is vital.
Be aware of your thoughts and feelings, be aware of when you are feeling empty, needy or disappointed, and use these times to fill yourself with the positive thoughts that sustain you without you trying to grasp onto something from the outside.
In order to achieve your outer goals you must first work on your inner goals. It’s very important to do the inner work on yourself first before focusing on achieving your outer goals.
Always strive to clean up your inner fear, emptiness and emotional vibration first. If you know you have a lot of inner work to do between you and yourself, then I would suggest that you don’t focus on the external goals this week.
Day 6-7 Your Deceleration to Self
During this exercise you will be creating a powerful declaration to self.
This is a written statement of Who You Are – what you wish to contribute and what you wish to align yourself with. This is your ‘Map of Self.’
We are going to start from the outside in. What this means is that you will first of all feel into what you wish to receive from life and others.
By establishing what we want to receive we can clearly identity what we need to become in order to receive what we want from life and others.
Make a list of ten traits and values that you would like to receive from life and others.
Example:
Love
Respect
Integrity
Honesty
In order to receive these values and traits from life and others you must embody these traits and practice them with integrity.
Life and others can only grant you more of your own vibration.
What this means is: your deep inner beliefs and emotions on any topic will inevitably draw the identical results from other people into your life.
In effect when we meet disappointing events ‘on the outside’ we are in fact meeting unhealed parts of ourself.
Now with each of these ten points write ‘My declaration to myself is to create myself as a character of………’
So for example you will write:
“My declaration to myself is to create myself as a character of love”.
Then you will expand on what this means to you.
For example:
“I will commit to loving myself, speaking to myself in loving, encouraging and supportive ways. I will expand love towards my family, my co-workers, my children and pets….I will choose love and compassion over fear in my interactions, and will open my heart to share and be love with the world at large.”
You will do the same for each of your ten points.
After you have completed your Declaration of Self print it out on nice paper and put it somewhere where you can see it and read it often. You may like to frame it or decorate it, it’s up to you.
By creating this Declaration of Self you are setting a very powerful intent to create what you wish to receive in your life.
30 Days To Empowered Self Prizes
It’s extremely important to understand that the changes you wish to make in life need to start with the inner you. No-one else can do the work on you for you – it truly is your job!
There is the ultimate choice in life, commit to our personal development, or stay the same! If you do want to heal, expand and transform your life it is vital to take action.
To encourage you to take this action I have decided to run a contest for the 30 Days To Empowered Self to further motivate you to achieve your healing goals.
To go into the draw for a prize all you have to do is post your answers to the questions at the bottom of this article (and in the following 3 lessons) during the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
Please know: if you wish to remain anonymous you can do so, as we will have your email address (no-one else can see this).
Please answer the following questions.
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
Post your answers in the comments below.
I hope you enjoyed the first instalment of the 30 Days To Empowered Self.
Your commitment to yourself can and does create miracles in your life, and it is my greatest wish that you honour you, commit wholeheartedly and enjoy the wonderful inner transformation that you will create for yourself.
Please look out next week for next week’s Lesson, which is releasing co-dependency and becoming a self-reliant, self-fulfilled and independent individual.
I am so in!! I want to say how much I am loving your site.
I came to it by accident and truly did need some clarity about my recent break up ( not my idea) and truly see we have all been with the same guy!!! WOW.. that is all I can say.
I understand I have pieces to me that need mending.. I have my needle and thread all ready to go.. and off to yoga too..
Hot yoga.. takes away my troubles for 90 minutes.. How cool is that?
I realy just want you to know you have touched my heart and really am so glad.
Thank you so much for your time and effort you are putting into this site..
Fantastic!!
Lolla
Hi Lolla,
that is so great that you are in!
You are so welcome Lolla, I know you will enjoy working on yourself, and enjoy this next 30 days.
Mel xo
Exercise 1 was so positive! I was both happy and grateful after working it!
My end goal became so simplified, I want to work at being.
Hi Joanne,
I am so pleased you enjoyed exercise 1! 🙂
Mel xo
My funeral should be worth going to now Mel, I read this self empowerment questions with great interest, it was causing me great anquish trying to work on my inner beliefs that were buggaring my life, but know you have placed me on the right road to recognise what they are, l feel relief and will be working hard to increase my understanding and practise everyday to give myself inner peace and self love. Tnakyou for always being there when I need you, I bless you and look for with anticipation in this next 30 days.
Jan
Hi Jan,
This is great that you are going to the inner you, and really taking the steps to get to know ‘what is going on’…
That is key!
You are so very welcome, and I am so pleased you are excited about these processes!
Mel xo
1. The funeral exercise increased my awareness of my lost self. The people I imagined being there, the words spoken to describe me and my life – these people and descriptions were all present in my life before my journey w the N. BUT what I realized is that the true me was not rooted it was superficial and reliant on those external sources i.e. people and my roles. I relied on the external sources to keep me “afloat” and when the N arrived in my life to challenge -his challenge was at my soul level I was not intact within myself and not able to set the boundary of self love.
2. I realize as a result of where this path w/ N has led me that who I was before N was not deeply grounded. I (again) used the external to anchor me. All the while avoiding the true me. The inner self that needed to be healed. The false beliefs were all there. The block has been my attention deficit to ME at my soul level. In order to have authentic power- I need to know – pay attention to my personality of fear- not seek distraction from it but rather be aware and feel it without reaction. Respond to it w/love and heal.
3. The declarations of self are all about my
authentic being. Being as in my soul and being as in my action. The declaration is my voice saying.. I am not powerless when I am authentic. When I KNOW that the power is within. I will respond to the personality of fear (fear of powerlessness) with the inner voice of my personality of love. I will know my truth and trust that the “truth will set me free”.
Hi Rhonda,
That is a fantastic realisation you recieved from Exercise One. A whole new definition of ‘self’ awaits…very, very positive.
This is it exactly – not using the external to avoid ‘self’. Unfortunately the entire human condition has been about avoidance and distraction away from ourselves – it is so wonderful that you are turning inwards to ‘you’!
Lovely how in Exercise 3 how you are connecting into your inner solidness and truth – your real authentic power.
You are doing a wonderful job 🙂
Mel xo
crystallizing my end goal was very helpful. Although, it was a hard thing to manifest in words. I have always tried to find my blocks and this exercise has helped me define and break down the blocks. My declaration of Self is very powerful…thank you for your guidance by way of these exercises!
Hi JF,
This is wonderful that you are defining and able to work on healing your blocks.
You are very welcome in regard to the exercises 🙂
Mel xo
Thinking about the ‘end goal’ and ‘who I want to become’ was not a revelation for me. I have been clear that all I want here is to be the Soul I am on a moment to moment basis serving the most beneficial experience for all beings. For me that does not include a preset ego picture to hold as a self image to match myself to and wonder if I will have “achieved” it as measured at my funeral.
It is a more fluid moment by moment experience filled with the depth and nuance that being a spiritual being in a human experience is and HOW to do that without dying of the pain of living with an open heart and the reality of unmet needs, not being able to control everything that happens in my life.
And the part of the Soul journey that appears to be about embracing unhealed parts and misunderstandings as well. I am finding it to be much deeper than I imagined when I first started reading in a more light hearted way about becoming gung ho empowered! This healing experience goes to the very core and is not easy.
I have been working with blocks and how to be fully alive and authentic seeking understanding from different healing books/resources with commitment for years. Dedication and devotion are present. I have been aware of these blocks. Knowing exactly what they are has not made them go away. The question I continue to live is what is the core nature of right relationship to them then? If they don’t magically dissolve and I land in “Happily Ever After” how do I live well with core feelings of not being heartache and loneliness and not being able to control others being loving or not?
Some suggest these are not “our” personal wounds, but a pattern of the human mind that keeps us locked into suffering….listening to the mind tell us we aren’t lovable or good enough. The origin of it is called the Devil or the Pain Body or The Voice of Knowledge or Egoic Karmic Conditioning. Nothing so specially mine in those but a broader human condition.
I look forward to exploring this more and discovering what feels True to my Soul. I like the idea of being able to get what I want by following a plan, of course! I also do not want more pain by trying to control what is not truly controllable. I also love being responsible for what I can be responsible for. Look forward to the learning. Grateful for you sharing what you have found to be true and liberating for your Soul so that others can learn what you have received.
Hi Living the Dream,
it is wonderful that you are connected to the experience of being a Soul having a physical expereince – because this is where our deep and enriched authentic fulfilment truly is.
It is true that at first it may not seem easy to turn our attention inwards, however life is so much more difficult and painful when we don’t…
In regard to relationships it is so importnat to clean up our own inner junk and then attracat and partner with another who also takes responsibility to evolve and heal.
Then it can be a wonderful dance of love, divinty and growth.
The great news is that there are more and more people, men as well as women wishing this level of personal and relationship authenticity – and relaising there is no other way for it to be ‘real’.
That is very correct it is a collective condition, however we do have the power to heal our individual Soul as a part of the Oneness consciousness. We are both individual and collective energies.
You have hit the key note. Being responsible for yourself, and no longer being responsible for others who are not at that level of taking self-responsibility – which truly does manifest as ‘trying to control the uncontrollable’.
I truly hope you enjoy the liberation of the next 3o days!
Mel xo
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you
back?
It was very, very, very intense, terrifying really for long periods. Being present with deep feeling states I have not known HOW to stay with was completely destabilizing,really really heart shakingly intense, for chunks of time like a deep emotional crisis, a dark night of the soul, a complete loss of all superficial activity/”goals” (be “fit”, have a relationship,have a “career”) pretending like I know what life is about; a complete loss of all ground into total uncertainty.
I saw superficial “goals” as having no meaning and simply a means to distract myself from the deep pain of soul misunderstandings that I have never known what to do with and have always felt we just have to get through somehow mostly by pretending, making life about superficial activities or just turning away from those feeling experiences stored in our beings, denying them and pretending they aren’t there to the best of our ability (for me never able to successfully blot it out.)
The part of the instructions that said, “In order to change our life authentically, we need to commit to discovering, embracing and working on our belief systems at a much deeper level. We need to drop our defences, stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to avoid what we need to do, and freely admit we have dysfunctions within us that require transforming” was good direction to the level of awareness needed to touch the core operating system, that could get us there.
And it did for me. What I realized has been informing my life from that core place is what I have come to refer to as the Abandonment Imprint. I experience it as a very deep soul wound, a bodily felt place of complete terror and darkness where there is nothing there. Nothing to help me understand what I am supposed to be doing, what is going on, just complete aloneness, darkness and terror. I feel it in my being all the way through as an unchangeable reality.
Trying to keep away from that sensation at all costs has informed my choosing probably for lifetimes. All forms of addictions including and probably especially relationships where I find something to cling to that makes me not alone and now I can’t let it go or I will be face to face with that truth again.
Also deeply affecting any “goals” I may have when they are all rendered meaningless distractions if the real bottom line reality of all of creation is this dark, meaningless sensation of terror and forever aloneness. If none of my activities ever make it that this no longer exists, what is the point of them? If ultimately no matter what I “do” I end up back here, not knowing why or where this feeling comes from only that it is the most real thing I know and it is unbearable, why “do” things at all?
So what is the core nature of resolving it? I have never felt there was any resolution. That it was just part of the human condition. It probably happened when we left God to come here and have an earth experience for a moment everything went dark and we thought we were forever alone. Our soul had a REAL TIME experience of that and is scarred forever.
And being present with that place in me was as said very, very intense, terrifying really for long periods, the being present with deep feeling states I have not known HOW to stay with was completely destabilizing,really really heart shakingly intense.
I didn’t know what to do really though I did feel I was touching the truth and something about that was solid. Here I am. Here’s the bottom line for me. What do I do? There’s nothing I can do. What do I do?
I read and re-read the instructions and then these words came out at me for a moment, “Firm commitment, full honesty, desire to get well..Wounds caused us to disown ourselves, now bring them back to truth…ask your inner infinite intelligence” And then they seemed fairly meaningless to touch the omnipresent sensation of darkness and terror. It truly felt like ALL that was ultimately real.
As I type and try to understand what kept a crack open into there being more to it than I believed (darkness and terror is all there is), I guess it feels like somewhere there was the tiniest seed of curiosity. A tiny, tiny question “Are you sure?”
It seemed to respond to the part that said “The desire to get well..” It asked me but kindly, not judgmentally, “If, just saying IF it may be possible to understand this more or differently than you do now, would you WANT that? Do you want to “get better”? Here we are doing this 30 day play, IF we could have more understanding, understand this pain to where it isn’t an unstoppable, unchangeable reality do you think you would want that, want to “get better”?”
When I screamed, “Well, it’s not possible. Stop telling me something is here that just ISN’T HERE! Of course I don’t want pain, pain, pain….you hurt me more suggesting this pain isn’t real, I could change it. Stop telling me something is here that ISN’T HERE!” And it asked again very gently, “Are you totally, totally sure? Totally sure there isn’t anything here?”
I think it is kind of helping too that the instructions gave us, to be with these parts without judgment. I think sometimes there’s a mean asking,”Like arrgh what’s wrong with you? You’re ruining our life, I just want
Financial freedom
A healthy love relationship
A fulfilling career
A fit and healthy body.
And you keep having this feeling that dark, aloneness is the bottom line reality of creation. Why can’t I have my little law of attraction life?!”
Then back to the reality that I don’t seem to get to know why. When I make it all about getting empowered and “fixing” me, because I’m the problem it seems to add more pain. For me that becomes “trying to control the uncontrollable.” Not trying to control other people, but trying to make myself believe that it’s all about me, I am truly the supreme controller of my life, once I clear up these pesky beliefs getting in the way of my goals I’ll finally have the life I truly deserve. When I make it about worthiness, I feel I am trying to control the uncontrollable on some levels and adding pain.
Then I start to wonder what it means to truly live an empowered life…is the whole idea of “empowerment” trying to control the uncontrollable? Is a truly empowered life one of acceptance of life as it is? With god and humility and grace and love?
I am not even clear that the purpose of life is “achieving my goals” or feeling that I am to blame for the things that are “holding me back.” For me “trying to control the uncontrollable” has been more a question of my own beliefs about why life is as it is rather than being responsible for others. Am I trying to “control the uncontrollable” when I think I am the supreme decider of everything that happens in my life? That it’s all about worthiness and entitlement and if I get my beliefs straight I will get everything I “deserve”, because life is about getting what I deserve?
What about God, destiny, humility, karma, learning? Is it possible that events that occur in my life happen for more reasons than because I believe I am worthy or unworthy? That these events may be about more than entitlement? Are there great timeless spiritual traditions that give us deep wisdom about love and compassion and forgiveness? What does it truly mean to live an “empowered” life? Is it about getting what I want or blaming myself if I’m not because I’m causing it with limiting beliefs? That all feels like it’s about control to me….
A truly empowered life to me means that life does not feel unbearable to me, because I can’t understand what certain moments in creation mean to the point where the pain is immobilizing. It’s about UNDERSTANDING life itself at a level that empowers me to stay open and present and not need to reduce my focus to distractions/addictions while the true questions my soul has haunt me.
That separate deeper question keeps emerging for me to. Is the goal really to “achieve my goals”? I am living the questions and for me that is a worthwhile investment of a 30 day exploration. I don’t have to jump onto a new position, a new control plan. I can follow the exercises authentically and see what emerges with a willingness to learn.
Again I value responsibility very much. If I am shirking some of mine by believing that my task is to accept life there is nothing noble in that for me. If the theory that I have unhealed parts, I may be using them to self hate and another option is to ask what I need to do, what surgery as instructions say to bring them new information (back to Truth) is ultimately true then I must do it to fulfill my responsibility to the Whole. But there is nothing gung ho about this for me at present. It is a very deeply lived soul question and the answer does not seem trivial. Perhaps I can consider this sacred territory really…being willing to spend 30 days living these questions.
To finish sharing the question I worked with, I remembered instruction I had received before about pain states and there being only two intents for them…the intent to protect and control the pain or the intent to learn from it to love. And I checked my intent.
I realized that the beliefs I had about this pain which is very, very real to me were also actually possibly a way for me to “control” it. By admitting it was there, real and there is nothing I can do about it, I was no longer trying to outrun it and having it creep up on me while I was pretending I could cure it by Financial freedom
A healthy love relationship
A fulfilling career
A fit and healthy body.
I also realized though that maybe locking it into place like that was also “controlling thoughts” and not really being present with it without my control plan already in place for what it meant. How many lifetimes has that been held like that? Is it because it’s True? Will I really be able to change it now? Is it morally correct to change it? It feels very fragile and new.
And I did have what felt like maybe some fresh air into it when I just held a space to say,”What could that moment of reality seared into your soul have meant?” without my programmed minds answer, being “right” that it meant we are all alone, terror and darkness are the bottom line reality of all of creation, so just grit your teeth, hold your breath, get through somehow, be grateful for all of the grace that sustains us somehow, just hold on.
So, I intended to hold a space for that opening where possibly there could be more to understand about this, my story about it may not be the end of the story and that’s it..and neither am I going to jump into more control and make a new happy go lucky story out of thin air…I am going to see if I can keep letting air in, letting air (Spirit, God, Infinite Intelligence) and be present, truly present, not telling myself I’m present while I’m actually in protection/control, in my own isolated stories about what this means.
Framing an affirmation for it then was really really destabilizing as well. I’m telling you I don’t know how long I have lived with this as the Ground really…it has been a pretty crazy week, got really sick, it’s very alive…and the affirmation was, “I am in the process of knowing resolution of the abandonment imprint; of understanding what the experience of the dark terror and aloneness state as the bottom line reality of all of creation truly meant to never again experience it having the power to grip and consume my whole being.”
and “I am in the process of healing my individual soul as part of the collective with those who have shown it can be done, understanding the pain body so completely it can never bring total darkness and terror disconnecting me from Oneness again.”
I also googled “healing the abandonment imprint” when I was pretty deep in the feeling state, being present to it and hanging on by the skin of my teeth and found this helpful.
“Taking responsibility for and confronting the abandonment wound is saying that you are willing to face your deepest fear, your deepest pain. While many things happened in my life to assist in healing this pain, it was my unyielding commitment to the process that brought that about.
In those moments where the pain would hit me, I would just sit with myself as the adult, caring witness. I found myself in a deep, black abyss of nothing. It was petrifying at first. And then my child consciousness would appear, crying her eyes out. At the same time that my child consciousness suffered, blamed, and cried, my adult consciousness would witness with infinite love, patience and understanding. I had to be strong. I did this again and again and again. One time I had to do it for almost three days straight. It was not easy at all; in fact it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did not let my child take over by affecting my adult behavior. I did not let her “go to the empty well for a drink” as my healer would say. The empty well would be something like trying to get attention from my ex-boyfriend, even if it was ultimately unsatisfying and hurtful. It would have been reaching for ice cream, or talking on the phone non-stop, or not taking responsibility and blaming him. For others it might be drugs, cigarettes or meaningless sex. Without those vices, I found myself getting to the ultimate wounds- first, abandonment by parents and all the psychology around that, and then inevitably, abandonment by God. That pain was at the core. It was unbearable. It was gut wrenching. I felt I had been rejected and betrayed by God, that I didn’t matter at all, and the pain was excruciating. I had no choice but to sit with those feelings, to really feel them, to let them out, to hear them.”
Here is the link to the whole article if anyone finds it helpful. The grace that came after the storm was soul soothing to read. http://spiritofmaat.com/mar09/abandonment_abyss.html
And onward on this journey and deep exploration of living empowered lives. So grateful for the opportunity to show up and live the questions at the core of who we truly are…to keep letting air in, letting air (Spirit, God, Infinite Intelligence) and be present, truly present, (not telling myself I’m present while I’m actually in protection/control, in my own isolated stories about what everything means) and see where it leads…
Blessings to everyone.
Hi Living The Dream,
Ok what you are describing – I have seen with quite a few clients, (and worked with) – the deep, deep inner trauma of being disconnected from God / Source / Life.
It is incredible and wonderful humility and honesty that you are sharing this wound here.
I’ll get straight to the point of my ‘take’ on this.
I don’t know what your past life beliefs are…mine after ‘seeing’ past lives since a child and being a past-life regression and doing thousands of healing (myself and others) at this level – they are absolute to me.
The inner deep wounds you are experiencing in my opinion come from something back in your time-line. As we know history has been brutal. Somewhere long ago for you an event occurred that was so traumatic, so horrific that when it was unfolding incredible emotional pain was sustained by you.
The event was so catalysmic and painful that you could only assess that Life / God / Source had totally abandoned you, rejected you and punished you. You felt that you were suffering total ‘self’ annihilation.
Truly, you do have a Soul of joy, love and wholeness, it is that small voice which grants that glimmer of hope in amongst the darkness, despair and pain.
But whilst the darkness, despair and pain remain embedded in your Inner Identity this Soul energy cannot filter through – there is too much pain in the way.
You have been so incredibly brave and determined to go to this pain, the true wound and ‘be’ with it. That took incredible courage and truly is a testimony that you want to be free of it.
Less courageous souls would simply continue to try to keep avoiding it. This is also a testemant that you are not narcissistic, even though this wound you are expereincing is one that many narcissists carry.
The difference is you are not purposefully pitting yourself against life, damaging, taking and maniuplating in order to avoid this wound. You have a conscience and the ability to take responsibility rather than project and blame – and this means absolutely you can be free of this wound.
In my experience (and also because I carried very deep, ancient wounds in my DNA that hurt me horrifically) I found the only solution was deep cellular DNA healing – which is what Quanta Freedom creates.
This stuff is very hard to release unless you have an energetic system which can reach way back into the time-line, pick up the energy of the trauma (which created the devestating belief systems) and release it out of your body.
When energy is this powerfully pregnated through our being (which happens with horrific trauma to ‘sensitives’)I actually don’t know of any other way to get to it and shift it.
What I do know 100% is that if you wish to heal, you are in humility and self-ownership and you are not disordered in your feeling / thinking as a result of ego function – this deep wound can be shifted.
From what you have written I would absolutely put you in this category.
I would like you to email me direct at [email protected] and we can converse by email as per how to release and heal this – because I would really like to help you get past this agony in to your true freedom..
This could have been going on for many lifetimnes for you.
It’s now time to be free..
Mel xo
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
It feels like a lot of words to me. They are beautiful, powerful words AND it also feels like the point inside where living from Oneness and Source, allowing feelings to come into awareness to embrace them, hear what is real, allow it, live from Divine Guidance is a place beyond words.
There is so much rich sharing here in the learning together I find my mind wanting to get “a hold” of the incredible wisdom, awareness, process. I have been taking copious notes from the beautiful supportive answers to people’s journeys here.
Then I realize the actual place where my Self comes from, the place where I choose who to be, how to be, where I create my life is always HERE and I lose touch with it when I get too focused on the words.
So I feel reminded with the Declaration of Self to have a healthy relationship with it, to allow it to support HERE and not become another way I am “trying” to fill up what’s empty with words.
Not to mistake the word for the thing. Wow. What a rich first week….thank you.
Hi Living The Dream,
what you have written here is really beautiful, truly…yes the power is in the ‘beingness’ absolutely…
You are really on the right track, and you are so welcome. It is fantactis that you have fully embraced this week.
Mel xo
I am so looking forward to working on myself this week…I know it may be difficult at times …and with that I feel that logically it is the only way. Rewiring very old circuits is painful..Thanks for showing me courage Mel…Good luck to everyone
Hi Janiya,
That is great that you have the courage to embrace this!
Sweetie our unhealed parts hurt and play out horribly when we don’t embrace them.
As soon as you do the light bulbs go off and the relief begins, and the love for ourselves starts pouring into our being.
Truly!
You will see….
Mel xo
I can relate to what living the dream has said about the painbody,he used 3 other names for it , I can add a couple more , like The sacred wound or the lost twin Dynamic as in vts,or the not self, all these different names makes it confusing, and it makes me doubt wether I’m actually working on the right thing with the right process which is a bit like torture because I sooooo want to change the life experience I am having right now but I seem to be spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I am going to give this a go and I look forward to seeing what comes up.
Hi Andrew,
I think it is really important to not get too bogged down with intellectualising and over thinking….the ‘doing’ of the inner processes that connect ‘you to you’ and just following these processes makes it all so much easier.
Good luck with these processes.
Mel xo
WoW ~ withing minutes of starting this 30 day program I found a shift within myself and a new level of excitement come over me, I have done a lot of reading recently as well as the NARP program and already I have realized that I need to re-do probably all of the 10 quanta healing sessions, which isn’t surprising really (or a bad thing) as I did them really quickly, albeit very thoroughly, before Christmas and I have experienced an incredible amount of healing so far but I can see there is still a little left to do so I’m excited to revisit those but like lolla said ~ I am so in!!! I feel like all the reading, learning, going inside etc is being taken to another level now, I feel like I’m moving into the ‘action’ level and it feels so perfect, so timely, so exactly what I need right now. Thank you once again Melanie, from the bottom of my heart and good luck to the rest of you beautiful ladies and any gentlemen on here too ~ lets do it!!! x
Hi Karen,
that is lovely that you are already experiencing a powerful shift, and that you are so excited about your continued inner work.
Happy liberation and freedom to you, and you are so welcome Karen!
Mel xo
Thanks Mel, once a again your timing is spot on. Looking forward to the journey.
Hi Astrid,
you are so welcome, and I am glad the timing is right for you 🙂
Mel xo
I’ve been doing the NARP-loving it. Loved the NARP facebook page group as well. So helpful, so positive. Can’t wait to get going.
Hi J,
that is so wonderful you are loving your journey of healing self!
Enjoy 🙂
Mel xo
Ready Set Go! thankyou I needed to do further healing and was looking for the next step when this email arrived. I am hugely grateful for the huge steps I have made since engaging with your methods and doing the course. I have come into my own in leaps and bounds in the last 12 months. I am now looking forward to more discovery about who I really am and who I want to be <3
Hi Jacki,
It sounds like you are loving partnering you, and that is incredibly positive.
Thank you for your post.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
Thank you so much for taking the time to put together this course and for offering it as a gift. I have been deeply impacted by your work in the past. I look forward to working with you for the next 30 days.
Kind regards
Hi WPE,
You are so very welcome, and I look forward with joy to working with you too!
Mel xo
So far in this exercise (and I’ve not finished all the steps), I have realized that agnosticism is a huge block to spirituality for me, that i firmly believe i need a man to be whole and a real woman and that i am insecure because i feel powerless to change “reality.” And it has given me hope because i now suspect that I may be wrong in my unhealthy beliefs (i say unhealthy because they hurt) and that I may be able to feel all right within – just the realizing what i’ve been telling myself is neutralizing those negative beliefs – I don’t think i’ve ever face them so clearly! Thank you Melanie – this is truly a great exercise for diagnosing, self-understanding, and bringing about change! I appreciate this very, very much!
Hi Cindy,
This is wonderful that you have realised some limiting beliefs.
It is sooo important to feel whole as a source to ourself, rather than expecting a partner to provide this.
Yes, you are spot on – unhealthy beliefs do feel like emptiness and pain, whereas healthy beliefs feel solid, life-affirming and empowering.
I am so pleased so early you are peeling back the lid and finding out what you can now focus on and heal.
This is wonderful!
Mel xo
I just completed the Funeral Exercise, and would like to share it w/you.
Since I hope to live a lot longer than just the following year or so, parts of this vision have a more science fiction feel to them. After all, w/the explosive and exponential increase of information that occurs each year alone, there’s no telling what kind of technology will be available several decades from now.
The setting is in the remote desert in southern Arizona. It is the Sonoran desert, land of the saguaros – cacti as tall as trees. From the time I visited southern Arizona in 2007, I felt as though I was coming home for the first time. And I held in my dreams the vision of once again returning to this land that felt so much like home to me.
In the middle of this desert stands a huge monolithic dome scructure. This was my home for many decades, and now it is the site of my funeral. The whole lower level is open to those coming to pay their last respects.
People approach the entrance on foot. They are of different backgrounds, religions, cultures, socio-economic statuses, etc. Their garb is as varied as their backgrounds. Some are dressed in bright colorful costumes and personal adornments, while others are dressed in more somber tones and conservative cuts that have been typically reserved for solemn and sober occasions.
But even though this is my funeral, this is NOT a solemn occasion. Rather, it’s a celebration of my life and a send-off party.
The lower level is set up like an art gallery, displaying the works of art that I’ve created over my lifetime and the works that I’ve collected in my travels around the world. Where there’s not any art displays, there are large aquariums in the walls that are filled w/colorful fish and anemonoes.
The music playing is soft and unobstrusive. It is a fusion of soft jazz abd tribal beats using traditional intruments.
If people didn’t know any better, they would have thought that they were attending aa art gallery opening and not a funeral.
It’s mid to late afternoonand guests are still slowly trickling in. At first the guests are somewhat taken aback by this most untraditional approach to a funeral, and some of them find themselves looking askance at other guests, especially those dressed in lot more flambouyant styles.
But the glaring diversity among the guests soon begins to fade as it dawns on people that, “Wow! She really did have friends from ALL walks of life!” People who may been been traditionally divided across cultural, religious, educational, socio-economic, etc lines soon find themselves rubbing elbows w/each other, sharing cherished memories of me. Conversation became quite joyful and animated.
Pretty soon, the music fades and is replaced by a chime that gets progressively louder, causing people to stop mid-sentence and look towards the direction of the sound.
The chimes are coming from the rear of the vast hall and through a doorway that opens up onto a patio. From the patio is a pathway, lined w/beautiful blooming desert plants and stunning sculptures, that lead to a vast open area filled w/rows of chairs arranged in a semi-circle, and encircled by a discrete network of overhead fine mist sprayers that help cool the desert air. The sun is beginning so set, and the colors in the sky are gorgeous and riotous.
In front of these rows of chairs is a raised platform upon which a holographic show plays, showing highlights of my life and some outrageously funny moments. Some of the guests recognise themselves in this holographic display, which looks and feels SO much like real life – like I was standing there in front of them and interacting w/them. As the evening sky deepens, the holographic show becomes even more vivid.
After the holographic show fades, an older man, w/a spritely step and grey ponytail, springs onto the platform. He is my grandson. He welcomes everyone and thanks the guests for coming out to attend this celebration of my life. He tells them what I meant to him – that I was a person of high intengrity and strength, of great vision, that I was the rock that held the family together (especially his mother when she was coming to grips w/challenges in her life.)
I had an open heart for everyone. And while I was very fair, I sure as hell didn’t take shit from anyone. I was honest – sometimes to a fault. I was straight-shooter who shot from the hip. I was generous and compassionate, but I called people to task and nudged them onto the path of independence. Also, I had eyes in the back of my head. No one could sneak up behind me to startle me. Believe me, they tried!
After my grandson finishes speaking, he invites others to come up to the platform and share their stories.
Rosie recounts how I stuck my neck out to help her extricate herself from an abusive situation, even to the point of taking her and her dogs in. She says that due to my going all out for her that she was able to get back on her feet again and feel safe again.
Anthony speaks of the great faith I had in him and his unique gifts, even when he did not believe in himself. He says that if it weren’t for that and my being a pain-in-the-ass by pushing him out of his comfort zone, that he would have most likely died a permature, gang-related death on the streets instead of becoming the successful businessman and community leader that he is now.
Suzanna speaks of how I taught her to look at the whole world through eyes of appreciation and gratitude, to see and sense the beauty around her, and that escargots actually taste pretty damn good for being snails!
Harold says that I was not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty, and that I could make a Hell’s Angels biker (they’re still around!) blush w/my cussing.
People continue to file up to the platform to speak. Occasional laughter ripples through the crowd, sometimes punctuated by an exclamatory shriek.
After the last person finishes speaking, the lights abruptly cut out, causing some to gasp loudly. Then loud booms and explosions pierce through the desert stillness, and the inky night sky lights up w/the most amazing fireworks! Glasses of very fine champagne are passed around, and people toast in my honor and to my continued journey in the afterlife.
After the most specular grand finale, the guests whoop and cheer loudly, and then file back to the monolithic dome for more celebration. Some lingere to continue partying to the wee hours of the morning, while others leave much sooner. As as each guest leaves, he or she receives a small diamond that was created from the ashes of my remains so that each one of them can have a little piece of me to take back w/them.
Hi Neringa,
this is such a gorgeous share! Thank you so much for going to the trouble to post this! Wow what a funeral – totally divine!
Mel xo
LOL! So much for not reading through the WHOLE instructions before posting my answer to the funeral exercise.
So here’s another go at it, this time following proper instructions. LOL
Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you realizing your “ends goal?”
It felt awesome! Empowering! Yes, I really AM that person! And how bloody wonderful it would be to have had that great an impact on others while still maintaining my integrity and sense of self!
Has this changed the way you see “who you want to become?”
It doesn’t so much chance the way I see “who I want to become,” but rather further clarify it in my mind. And there’s still a lot more room for fine-tuning and refining.
Yes totally Neringa – it is so true.
You did not want to be remembered for the money you made, the house you owned etc….
This is beautifully about ‘you’ and what you have contributed….
Mel xo
🙂
I get headaches just doing the work. Melanie it is painful to face the inside demons but i hope it is worth it, better than the pain of not knowing what ails me.. I look forward to healing so bad.. thanks for helping me see inner wounds that have hurt me so long and hard..
Hi Rachel,
Hang in there sweetie, and remember the only way we ‘slay a dragon’ is to go deep into the dark cave…
And if you work hard at loving and supporting yourself in this process, rather than rejecting those unhealed parts, you will see how easily your demons do get purged and how the light of the Real You can flood into where they once were…
Stay positive and know you truly can be free…
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie, quoting the no contact to describe what i went through, “the narcissist created the complete disintegration of the me and then discarded the corpse when there’s no narcissistic supply left to gain”.
He got his PhD as I supported him. When he got a job finally, he dumped me, maligned my name among the few acquaintances i knew, albeit to earn his “narcissistic supply.” Its the shell shock that left me disoriented, i did not know who i was anymore, wanted to dissociate to deny this had happened, but the negative side effects were undeniable. Now looking at my wounds, my needs for significance and security that kept me, am just surprised at the price i had to pay because of my unhealed self.
Whew, i just read that retelling and recounting the hurt wont make it easier in fact its like a heroin addict thinking the will heal from taking more heroine.
See i cant give up on myself am all i got…so instead of hard wiring this torment from today as you Melanie has suggested, “I will bless and accept the feelings, he did that because he is a narcissist, what is in the gift in this in order for me to heal..
I cant give up on the only one person i have in this life for as long as am alive and that is simply “me”…learning how to self love
Hi Rachel,
I am glad you read No Contact. It is really essential for you that you work at abuse recovery and that healing first sweetie.
This 30 Day to Empowered Self is the next step – when you have broken out of the hooks and the pain of narcissistic abuse enough.
Please see the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program as a wonderful tool that can help you move out of this ‘in shock’ phase, and help you deeply heal.
The 30 Days To Empowered Self will be coming around again in a few months – but for you now abuse recovery is the foundation to get well.
Mel xo
Just got to knowing why i stayed in the abusive relationship. I thought by me supporting the narcissist get his PhD i would acquire significance power, probably be married to him one day and be called wife of Dr……I felt that would make me powerful and earn respect for having forged a relationship with a powerful “being.” Then my fears and inadequacies would “vanish forever” as i would be happy ever after. Melanie can you see how deep my codependency and inner wounds were?
Hi Rachel,
great realisation…truly.
You are doing a fantastic job with this!
Hun, we all had really deep co-dependency wounds – that is the only way we could get involved with a narcissist.
Mel xo
This is taking time, so much to read but am beginning to feel a little relief each day….taking responsibility acknowledging my innermost fears of being alone,counteracting them by i am loveable, i have made friends even in my unhealthy state in the past.. insignificant counteract, I am not in need of someone to make me visible, i matter just as i am.. boring counteract, i can create joy and fun and i have done this in the past, if not i can create fun opportunities…..
Its deep work, but i appreciate knowing what ailed me all these years…
Hi Rachel,
the feeling ‘relief every day’ it such a powerful conformation that you truly are on the right track.
You are doing a great job with your re-framing.
Fantastic stuff!
Mel xo
More so i just learnt that my earlier 26 years were spend pleasing my somewhat emotionally unavailable father. I got good grades to please him, did his laundry, did not even dare have a boyfriend or if i did i hid them from his knowledge to keep my dad happy. My existence was to please him and see him bask in my accomplishments. He already passed away. I was so disillusioned . My narcissist even promised to be my “dad” cause he saw how much i “adored” him and his influence over me.
Am glad to know the truth, i want to be liberated forever…
Hi Melanie- just to say that I didn´t receive this to my email. I visited your page cos I was wondering why I hadn´t heard anything bout the challenge. I so want to do it! Please would you check that I haven´t fallen off your mailing list. Thanks so much. Love Carolyn xx
Hi Carolyn,
yes you are on all three mailing lists! You should be getting these emails 🙂
Mel xo
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
The “funeral” exercise surprised me, I realised that if I had to die right now – my funeral would be VERY different from what I would want it to be… I’d want to be remembered as having overcome a lot with faith & determination. As a woman who used her own story of a lonely childhood and 12 year very abusive marriage to inspire others to seek emotional healing and freedom. I’d like my 3 kids to remember me as happy. I’d like to have had a “real” healthy relationship with a husband , achieved success in my career and lived a full life – with interests, hobbies, achievements and wonderful memories. I’d like to be remembered as having been a blessing to others…not a burden.
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
You know, as a 33 year old, single mother of 3 little ones, who works full day and has little support from anyone – I am VERY low on my list of priorities. I have gone through the “inner healing” these past 3 years and found freedom, peace & strenth in so many area’s but honestly… I’ve focused very little on the physical self-neglect that’s ALWAYS been there to varying degrees. After reading this I realised that my greatest need is self-confidence – my actual physical self is holing me back.I can build it with time and focus.I have broken it down into 3 practical area’s: 1) Things I can do without money (Healthy eating alternatives, skin care routine, exercise, drinking more water… I have identified seven!) 2) Things I will need some money for (continuing studies, hair, eyebrows , professional clothing & make-up) and 3) Things that will cost a lot of money (Teeth – I need R50 000!!! :(, breasts, licence ect.) I am commiting myself to the first foundational “practical area” – it’s a start at least! 🙂
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I have been through this particular exercise before , using a book on “redemptive healing” – other than the positive reinforcements I have also started reminding myself that “I was not responsible for the abuse, that I didn’t cause it – even my co-dependency didn’t CAUSE him to abuse me!” This is often the greatest truth to keep in mind.
Thank you
Lisa 🙂
Hi Lisa,
yes going through the funeral exercise is very thought provoking.
It’s great that it has brought up how you wish to grant more to yourself.
In regard to your Declaration of Self, I agree abusers and personality disordered people are ‘that’. We don’t make them have their unhealed wounds that they have not taken responsibility for.
However, our unhealed wounds played out with these people, attarcted us into relationships with them and also kept us in the game with the abuse.
These are the unhealed parts that we totally need to take responsibility for in order to create healthier realities in our life.
Mel xo
Funeral exercise: This was an interesting thing to do.. being present at my own funeral! It was a simple affair in the open air at the chapel at the of the hill. I think it reaffirmed for myself how I do see my real self.. sweet, gentle, friendly, funny, affectionate and open hearted. I realize that saying this makes me sound rather like an amiable dog! but it became a confirmation of the simplicity of my soul, which is something I really needed to reconnect to… so thanks for helping me do that! xx
Hi Carolyn,
you are very welcome, and it is lovely that you reconnected to the truth of your soul.
You are only an ‘amiable dog’ if you are not honouring yourself enough to set boundaries and walk your truth – this essential boundary work is coming up later in this series.
I know you will get a lot out of that 🙂
Mel xo
Well, I’m off to a slow start! I could not imagine my own funeral and I couldn’t imagine who would be there except for my two sisters. This is very, very difficult. I don’t even want to be remembered! What I want to accomplish before I die is really of no concern to anyone but myself. My goals are for a certain kind of personal growth, and I really can’t imagine being celebrated for finally figuring out that I have slogged through lots of hindering beliefs and crappy relationships. If I use my remaining years to help others in some small way and can keep from hurting myself, that’s enough for me. I can celebrate myself for that.
Hmm. Ok. In my funeral, I am looking down at my own worn-out body and celebrating the fact that I never gave up or gave in,and it really doesn’t matter if nobody else is in attendance. It’s how I feel about myself that counts. That’s enough funeral for me!
Hi EJ,
You may want to use this funeral exercise as feeling into what you desire, and what you can keep working on – and connection and trust to life and people may end up being a big part of that for you.
Healing to the level where you can have a life containing love, joy, connection and celebration with other people.
It is only beliefs, fear and pain that keep us separated from this.
The more healed and empowered you become the easier it will be to know that you can connect with life and people and still healthily retain yourself.
Mel xo
Mel! Thank you! I never really thought about it that way – probably too scared! Anyway, I think you are right and I’m getting to work on it right now. I have always been a loner and very reclusive. I never really questioned it, but of course it all fits perfectly! It never even occurred to me that connection to other people could bring joy! I am pleased to tell you that I have taken the first step and joined a book discussion club. The first meeting is coming up soon and I’m going to make the most of it!
Hi EJ,
you are so very welcome.
I can relate the ‘loner’ energy has been massive for me too!
It is beautiful when you know you are ‘love’ and can be love and open your heart and connect and stay true to you and your boundaries.
It is the best of both worlds – lovely connections and the knowing that you can truly keep yourself in wellbeing whilst doing so.
Enjoy this journey – it will bring you immense happiness 🙂
Mel xo
I have had some ‘trust issues’ as the reult of my N experience and so I slowly moved in to accepting Melanies NARP program. This month comes on the heels of finishing unit 10.
Honestly- I just never know what’s going to come out of the end of my pen when I start writing! BUT is it enormously surprising and sometimes amusing!
When I did the funeral one, here’s some of what I wrotr straight away:
“She broke the pattern of her early conditioning to be nothing, to take up no room, and to bother no one”. HA! an immediate feedback, so enlightening and unpredictable.
Then I continued on with : “She became a bother! She became someone to be bothered about! She took up some room, and became A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE”
Wow, Melanie. I remember you using the word ‘substantial’ maybe once in the 10 units and it stuck so hard with me, how often I feel insubstantial- so, here’s to gaining substance, as I go through the exercises this week!
Hi Bec,
This is wonderful that you are moving into the energy of being a woman of substance.
To know your worthiness, and to see yourself as Source sees you with deservedness and acceptance.
Wonderful stuff!
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie, I realize what it means to get over the subtle messages to become invisible (OR ELSE!) . It means that to have substance I need to make room for myself. I need ROOM to become substantial, and so I have to make myself make a space for my self- and only THEN- allow others to ‘occupy’ me. And only allow others in to that space, who can respect being allowed in to the space that is – ME.
Other messages i received as a child were; “Who do you think you are?!!” “SHOW OFF!” These were not directed at me, but at others- who just seemd to be enjoying themselves as far as I was concerned, but the threat was there- I MUST NEVER do anything that might even look like I was ‘bigger than my boots’, ‘a show-off’ , or thinking outside ‘my place’.
The best mantra I’ve got out of this is “I am in the process of a powerful healing”. This has helped immensely in bad and doubting moments.
Hi Bec,
you are doing a fabulous job of identifying where your limiting beliefs are coming from – which is exactly what this exercise is all about.
Great job. I love your mantra – that IS powerful!
Mel xo
How did this feel for you, upon realizing your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
The funeral exercise felt good surprisingly. I got creative with it. I was always scared to face physical death. I realized that was due to the fact that at one point in my life I wasn’t living how I wanted to be living. I didn’t want to die an abuse victim or torn and confused. This exercise helped reinforce to me that life is a gift and death is a part of it. I can control how I live it and how I am remembered!
This exercise made me more aware of my choices and how they are affecting my life. If I were to die now how will I be remembered? Am I making choices that support the love I have for myself and life or am I making choices based on ego or what negative things happened to me in the past? I have done a lot of inner work with NARP and I can say I am def on the right track. I am loving more and encouraging. Most importantly I am choosing to move forward differently than I was used to. I am enjoying love with myself and others I chose to surround myself with. I just overall feel better than I used to. I realized I have a lot of life to live and more I want to accomplish in the way of love manifestation! I’m excited!
Which brings me to Exercise #2. Stay Tuned!
Hi Andrea,
That is wonderful that you faced and worked with the funeral exercise. So beautiful to realise how precious life is, and that we will all die, but that is ceratinly not the end of our soul’s journey.
That is wonderful that working through NARP has been able to help you open up to life, and the creation of you.
I am so thrilled you are excited about creating yourself and your life now. That is the very definition of life!
Mel xo
The Funeral brought much tears. I KNOW how loved I am by so many. I know how I have not loved myself due to being duped by a narcissist. I felt the love of those that love me, and the sadness in my soul for having the audacity to not love myself. Very powerful.
Hi Evelyn,
wow – that is gorgeous that this exercise connected you to ‘love’. And how incredibly important (and our most important mission ever) to authentically love ourself.
I’m glad it was powerful for you.
Mel xo
I have been following and doing the newsletters from work for the last couple of months, it’s been an amazing journey of self discovery, and I am finally overcoming a narissic relationship and moving on. I’m in for the 30 day challenge, 2013 is about me this year and I can’t wait to do the challenge, just what I needed to start the year. Thanks Melanie!! you rock 🙂
Hi Irene,
I am so pleased you are enjoying your process of self-discovery.
Wonderful you are claiming your journey of ‘self’ powerfully. 2013 is an amazing year to be doing the inner work, and it is lovely to have you as a part of this 30 days!
Mel xo
I am so excited to be part of this 30 day challenge. I will really be having to face deep deep repressed issues. I want to laugh nervously here. But I so so deeply want to be whole. 🙂
Hi Rozanne,
the fact you ‘want it’ so much means that all in life will co-create this with you!
Yay!
Mel xo
Funeral Exercise: How did it feel for you? My funeral is on the beach at Byron Bay and my ashes are going into the sea. It felt like a happy celebration of my life and work. I was surprised and happy to imagine grandchildren there and my children’s families. Also many clients and their families that I have treated and assisted. Friends from all over the world. Amazing as up to now I have not travelled much and felt so scared to branch out. Even booking a ticket to Melbourne this June is the first time I have ever done this by myself. My future life involves work in America and Europe with my base in Byron Bay or north of Sydney near the ocean. The day feels good as I have lived the second half of my life not holding back and assisting thousands of people. My family have emotional intelligence and i have obliterated any trace of generational abuse from the past for all the future generations.
Has it changed the way you see who you want to become? Yes as I was going to treat clients with kinesiology and Biofeedback therapy in my clinic, but now I realise I will teach others and mentor students ( which is already happening on a small scale ) and I will take the work overseas and teach and write books. I will heal all my damaged distant parts and accept and expect life will deliver all I need and I will allow a man into my life who will be perfect for me. I have my moments of doubt and fear but they are less and less Mel, thank you for this insight into my soul. I will make it happen! XXJ
Hi Jane,
that sounds absolutely divine! How gorgeous that you have connected to Who You Want To Be so powerfully 🙂
You are incredibly welcome, and the more you work on you, the less the fear will be and the inspiration and knowing of your soul path will grow incredibly!
Mel xo
funeral exercise: it is held in a beautiful funky italian restaurant. There are peonies, roses and hydrangeas on the tables. It feels more like an italian wedding than a funeral (though I am not Italian, lol). I have photo albums for people to look at on each table, that tell my story. My recorded music is playing, along with amazing grace, I can see clearly now, and walk on by U2 is playing. There is a feast….and the theme is, I gave it my all….I am a creative healer, I was not perfect and became at peace with all of me and finally learned how to love. The exercise surprised me because I realized that there are people in my life who really love me, warts and all. I also saw that it is not enough to be an artist, but to be an artist healer is a slam dunk. I want to be healed and I want to heal others….through creativity.
Hi Ruth,
How gorgeous, and how beautiful that your Soul spoke to you whilst connecting to this exercise.
Now you know that you are going to share the gift of you with the world.
Mel xo
At my Funeral, I can see my Children’s love for me in there faces. My own heart is filled with love, knowing that I loved and cherished them with every part of my being. The room has turned white and smells of beautiful spring flowers, and I know that all my pain was worth it with my own mother, because it made me such a better and caring mum. I leave with them my honest, and true love, which will never die..
Hi Sue,
This is gorgeous!
Lovely 🙂 Thank you for sharing.
Mel xo
At my funeral i saw people who really loved me and lots of different rainbow coloured flowers. it was like everyone there was so wise they understood death was just a transition, and the legacy I left was the love embedded deep in the hearts of the people there. it was by the sea near a beach and there were some children.
Hi Andrew,
how beautiful and what a lovely image…
Divine.
Mel xo
I would like to feel more self love , self esteem , self as truth and authenticity, self as co creator, self authority and self mastery , purpose and direction, courage and not to take anything personally.
I feel the main blocks for me are having absolutely no idea what i’m doing or what I’m supposed to be doing here with my time.
I can’t get started for that reason.
I beleive i have deep wounds and old patterns that need to be cleared inorder for me to change the experience of feeling stuck to being in the flow.
Externally, I would like to feel secure financially, feel healthy and vibrant, express my creativity with ease, have inner and outer security , feel close to my partner and children when I have them.
Hi Andrew,
that is fanatstic that you are getting to the blocks.
Once you do and embrace them with the intention to heal them, life will start flowing with your answers, and of course you will be getting more and more in touch with the answers and solutions within – as long as you keep your focus within yourself – and keep digging and asking ‘Why? What is this REALLY about?’
You are totally on the right track 🙂
Mel xo
Realizing my end goal in exercise one made me feel surprised. My end goal turned out to be much more humble than I would have thought going into this exercise. It has definitely changed the way I see who I want to become. It was a very calming experience.
In exercise 2 I felt sad about what is blocking me from achieving my goals. It wasn’t necessarily unknown to me, but writing it down and seeing my words written on the page in front of me, made me finally “own” what is holding me back. I realized that not only do I not believe I can achieve things, I believe I don’t deserve them – that I’m somehow unworthy…..that I’m not quite enough. This would so upset me if one of my children or friends said this about themselves. But while intellectually, I know this isn’t true, deep inside this was what I believed.
After the Declaration of Self, I felt lighter, freer, like there is sunlight in my life.
Normally, I don’t like doing these type of exercises, but this turned out to be an experience that allowed me to finally be honest with myself. These things were not unknown to me, but they had been hidden, now they’re not and I can finally do the work to remove them as roadblocks to me achieving what it is I want to achieve.
Hi Paula,
I am so pleased you had a lovely Soul connecting experience in Exercise 1.
Make sure you turn self-judgement into self-fascination with the intent to work on yourself and heal – knowing that by embracing and facing your blocks you are bringing them to the light and transforming them…self-judgment will only push them down with resistance and avoidance again – which you want to totally avoid!
Also remember beleif systems are not ‘intellectual’ they are emotional wounds that occur deep within our being – and they simply cannot and will never be sorted out intellectually.
The intellectual part of us (mind / ego) will only go into invalidating the pain, rejecting it, denying it, making excuses for it, or beating ourselves up over it. There is no progress, release or growth on that path.
Go to the pain knowing when you transform it, you will transform your feelings towards yourself, and your life.
That’s lovely that Exercise 3 granted you those feelings.
Huge yay, for finally being honest with yourself – there is no way to create a healthy True Self unless that first vital step is taken. The more and more you do this, the easier and more wonderful your progress will become.
You’re doing a great job 🙂
Mel xo
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’? It helped crystalize it and make it more real for me. I always knew I wanted to help people, but this time it also made me realize that I have not stepped into the full truth and manifestation of it because of things blocking me right now. Most importantly, I wanted people to remember me enjoying life, and that is something I’m not currently doing. Interesting to note that when I read Covey’s book years ago, I skipped the exercise because it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt a twinge of unease this time, but plunged in and asked the reluctance what it was about, and it was my comfort zone of being ‘invisible’, even though it’s always been painful to be invisible. I have now identified another thing to work on!
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals?
I have done this type of exercise before, and some of the answers were the same, others no longer applied, since I could feel the difference in where I am in my path of healing now, and others shifted to reveal new things that need to be cleared. It was freeing and liberating to see my progress, but it was also kind of a downer to see the ‘big ones’ that I still have to do work on, mostly beliefs that I am unworthy and unlovable. Those run deep for me.
What have you now realised about what has been holding you back? Again, I have done these exercises or similar before, so I knew my answers, mostly, but some were more clear: others’ criticism still gets to me, and I have huge trouble with boundaries and self esteem.
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self? I have a written plan I can read at anytime to remind me of how to manifest the reality I want in the day-to-day, and I can actually see how to implement these new mindsets. And they all start with ME! A light has been shown to me on how to go down the path I desire. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, sweet Mel! You’re a life-saver. xoxo
Hi Veronica,
this is beautiful that you plunged in, committed to you and gained wonderful awareness from Exercise 1.
Fantastic, and you should be really proud of yourself 🙂
Okay, it was good to see how far you have come, and truly the ‘downer’ is only the egoic part of you judging yourself…
Please see what I wrote to Paula above.
The truth is Veronica, none of us are ever going to get all our unhealed parts done, evolution just doesn’t happen like that. We are here to grow, and self-develop…and this is what self-development is all about – never wanting to stop improving, releasing unhealed parts of us not serving ourselves, and be the greatest connection we can be (firstly to ourself) and then outpour this to share with life and others.
This is not possible unless we take responsibility to know we are imperfect, we are all wounded, and there is wonderful transformations we can create by working directly on these wounds.
Most important of all is knowing we are unconditionally loved, and approved of by Source – wounds and all. All of the rejection we think we have received from ‘the outside’ was the projection of the self-rejection within ourself.
Great awareness of what you need to keep working with – now you can do so with self-love, support, acceptance and joy!
Gorgeous you loved your Declaration to Self – it is a powerful map, and what is so beautiful is that it does establish a deep inner truth integrity on a deep level – if the exercise is really connected to.
And from what you wrote, you certainly did.
You are so welcome sweetie! 🙂
Hugs!
Mel xo
Thank you Mel for your love and validation and healing light. The Funeral Exercise scared me but since you’ve been so so right about everything so far… and any little thing that I did just because you said so… turned out to be mindblowing… I did the Funeral Exercise… not sure if I would be able to commit to this 30 day program. Mel my funeral was great! This was the first time in a long time that I felt validated for my life… I have felt like a failure because of my perfectionism never allowing me to let the good stuff in. My Funeral was real by the way I sort of saw it as having already happened… My family, children, grandchildren and their families are on the open beach on the other side of the island. The children are laughing and playing and EVERYONE IS DRESSED FOR BEACH FUN. There are new jet skis and surfboards with bows from Mama Donna and huge amounts of food and drinks under the palapas. Beautiful cars line the beach and all are strong and healthy. There is a circle of everyone holding hands and they say a prayer for me. My children speak and say:
My mother loved me and taught me about life, she was brave and funny and smart and I am grateful she was my mother… someone makes a joke (because I do this now) to remind them that I will haunt them all if they forget to listen to their still small voice.
Being a mother has never been enough in this world… I finally saw that all my other gifts much valued by the patriarchy ARENT WHAT MY LIFE IS ABOUT… MEL I JUST FOUND THIS OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR EXERCISE. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH… and no prizes necessary because I just won the lottery with my funeral! xxxxoooxxxooooo Love Donna
Hi Donna,
you are so welcome, and I truly need to thank you for your gorgeous post – I am having such a rush of love reading it!
Connecting to Soul truth is like the winning the lottery – only better! There is no greater feeling 🙂 …and it transforms everything…
I am thrilled you had this experience, trusted and took the plunge!
Tons of love.
Mel xo
Q1, The exercise did help alot in uncovering who I want to become, I guess I already knew but it just helped reaffirm my goal.I have been out of sync with myself for so long , I sort of feel my true self is rescuing me by having guided me to do this inner work. I have given my power away too much and it’s the most painful thing having recovered most of my power then giving it away again, it’s like having your heart broken over and over again.
Q2I already had a sense of what was blocking me, this is not ego talking , I think it’s the same for practically everyone and thats what we are most afraid of is our awesome power and magnificence. Most of us have got too comfy in the small life yet retained the essence of having something big to achieve in this lifetime which leads to immense frustration and anger.I want to move into my purpose and my affirmation is I am in the process of achieving meaning in my life.
Q3I did a declaration of self and it feels a bit like my own 10 commandments. It will be useful when I’m around people who really push my buttons. Most of what I committed to seemed like common sense , but one of the things that surprised me was that I want to experience more emotional intamacy/closeness, and I think I finally get it now how to nurture that sort of relationship. I have always tended to bite the hand that feeds me , perhaps I just was not ready for that sort of depth because it was too scary:)
Hi Andrew,
That is great you uncovered so much in Question 1.
It is so true Andrew by having your focus on the outside instead of working on being a solid sense on the inside leads absolutely to trying to be what you perceive others want, and causes greater disconnection from self (internal pain), high enmeshment and expectations and inevitable disappointment when others don’t supply the solidness inside that you disconnected from and weren’t creating for yourself.
True ownership is realising that this was a pattern you were creating.
Re question 2, very true, so many people are afraid of being their true power. There can be many beliefs on this one that can block it – fear of failure – I need to be punished (therefore sabotage) because I don’t deserve to be ‘big’…I could abuse power…If I get ‘big’ other people will detach and pull away from me….Ancient religious DNA beliefs etc etc.
To get into this belief healthily as Oneness and Source, and be the true expansive win-win self can only really be done when the opposing beliefs are found and released.
Very true when Soul Truth wants to unfold and personality blocks are stopping this happening – pressure (frustration) will build until the personality blocks are released and the gap is closed.
That is a great affirmation you are working with it will start challenging the blocks and bringing them into awareness for you – so you can deeply feel into them and bring them to the surface to dissolve them.
If you have NARP you can use the goal setting module to help you achieve that much faster.
That’s lovely that you connected to the desire for greatest closeness and intimacy. Your prior problem relates back to my response to Exercise 1.
You were focused on other people rather than being solid within yourself, thinking that if you gave everything that was expected you would save yourself from rejection and abandonment.
What you needed to realise is that this meant you were not bringing the real you – warts and all – in truth to the relationship.
By being focused on you first and foremost what is going on for you – what are your needs and how to sort through your emotions, and taking responsibility for your unhealed original wounds, you can share your inner self honestly in order to be real in a relationship.
Without that there is no true ability to get close, trust, share and experience genuine intimacy (In To Me See) – which is the greatest Soul connection of love.
It’s the masks and the defences that have pushed people away. When you accept and love yourself unconditionally, and know you are truly lovable and accptable as you are – you will talk to, communicate with and treat yourself and others with love and gentleness, and you will receive exactly that back – not the emotional rejection and abandonment that you were treating yourself with.
I hope this helps with what you are already discovering about yourself.
There is a great book that you can read to help you with this…Stephanie Dowrick – “Intimacy and Solitude”.
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Just finished a weekend in lectures which I was not going to attend and in fact run away from…..until I did the Funeral Question two nights before the course!! Oh my goodness what a turn around, I loved the weekend of learning and can’t believe I nearly threw the opportunity away to complete something I am so interested in and know is important to me. I had fear around not deserving to achieve. Thank you for this timely intervention!
OK Q2 was how did it feel going deeply into what has been blocking me from achieving my goals? It was difficult to go into these feelings at first and I was incredibly resistant. So sad feelings came up and also hopelessness at times but in amongst these feelings were some really hopeful thoughts that I have actually overcome some of these things but didn’t give myself any credit for it. So I am ridiculously hard on myself. The worst one was going into feelings of not deserving self love and it brought the tears on. Then I started to feel into the illusion of most of this stuff and realised it had a hold on me because I had deliberately never addressed it.
What I have now realised about what has been holding me back? Pretty much it has been about childhood conditioning around my emotions and myself being just plain wrong and becoming incredibly co-dependent with trying to get my family to love and approve of me by being perfect, and when that didn’t work, completely rebelling to get attention. I became so disconnected from myself during my marriage that I had no idea of who I was or what I wanted to do in life and now I see how scary it is to try to get love and approval from outside sources. Amazed too that I have sabotaged many opportunities that just came to me, thank fully I am aware of this now. XXJane
HI Jane,
I am so pleased that the funeral exercise helped grant you the courage to ‘live’ and go for your life.
Yes what I am hearing is in Exercise 2 there is a lot of self-judgment and a huge fear of ‘not being good enough’…this is why your mind had to go for – where I have been ‘good’rather than be comfortable accepting ‘what I need to work on’…
It could really help you to feel into what the fear of being imperfect or ‘wrong’ is about….were you punished for being ‘wrong’ when you were little? Was it impossible to live up to other people’s expectation or demands on you?
You have stated ‘trying to be perfect’ to win approval…and of course what has manifested from that is the ‘need’ to be perfect to yourself…(which of course is impossible, and only blocks us from accepting and working on our inevitable flaws)…
This is wonderful that you are becoming aware of all of this…
Truly work on ‘I am in the process of unconditionally loving and accepting myself flaws and all’…
This will help you a lot in going to them so that you can heal them, knowing that rather than ‘despise’ yourself for them – or beleive that if you have ‘flaws’ that you will be rejected, abandonened and totally not accepted by life and others, you can love and support yourself with the transformation of them.
And most of all know that you are lovable and worthy ‘as is’.
Mel xo
What I realize has been holding me back? My lack of commitment to my own developing self, (and the impediments of living with a N where all my attention was focused on him), no wonder I felt insubstantial! Therefore: I will commit to having substance in my thoughts words and deeds. I will endeavour to think about worthwhile things- which would exclude flimsy and negatively charged emotions and thoughts. Whirling obsessive thoughts are insubstantial! My words will reflect substance and therefore my commitment to them. I will assert my presence with my feet contacting the ground and my lungs part of the air. I will no longer feel, nor walk, nor be invisible to self and others.
This exercise draws me in to actively realizing and engaging with who and where I am.
Hi Bec,
great realisations.
I love what you have written, you are really connecting to yourself 🙂
Mel xo
Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realizing your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
It helped me understand that since I discovered that I was co-dependent over a year ago that I had already started creating good things in my life. The problem was that I had yet to change my inner beliefs and my strides forward were fast becoming a “round trip.”
Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realizing what has been blocking you from achieving your goals?
It felt illuminating. Despite doing more things for “myself” I was still holding on to deep programs of abandonment and found that often my actions were designed to make myself more invaluable to others instead of valuing myself. I also found that while I had conquered my Narc (after 23 years of Narc abuse) that I was still replaying these programs on healthier people; thus bringing about the same results of being taken for granted and having opportunities to play the victim. I had made my life’s work about “fixing” and rescuing others not understanding that these people came into my experience to help me fix and rescue myself. I am in the process of trying to let go of my empathy (which I used to be proud of) and the enmeshment and judgments about others they created. I am working at achieving unconditional love for myself; something that I believe will lead to my unconditionally loving others. I have stepped away from a dear friend I was affecting with these beliefs and explained that I will not return until I can be a real friend and not one with conditions. It was hard walking away since I’d been so (co) dependent on him, but it has to be done.
What have you now realized about what has been holding you back?
My judging others as “right and wrong” and trying to impose my beliefs of what “they” should be was doing was doing nothing but causing me more emotional strife. This lesson hit me very hard over the holidays which is also when the Universe led me to you and your wonderful teachings and I knew I had to step back and start healing myself. I’d been going to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings for months but while they helped me “accept” that I am not alone in my co-dependency they did little in encouraging the inner work necessary for healing so that I could actually stand alone. It is my inner beliefs and not my outer world that was holding me back…something I never knew before.
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
For one thing, I actually feel “clearer” as I started defining what my values were and what I will or will not tolerate. I had no sense of boundaries and while I was routinely violating others, understood that it started from me not having any for myself. Now I feel much better in terms of direction and look forward to doing more inner work to achieve true happiness in my life.
Melanie, I can not thank you enough for the wonderful work you do and if your ears are buzzing, it’s because I am always talking about you here in Chicago!
Hi Dave,
That is wonderful that you have been able to make big shifts in your life, and great that you realise that the deep inner work is going to assist this.
It is a powerful realisation understanding that valuing yourself rather than ‘giving to ge’t is such an authentic way to live – and not self-absorbed. It is self-realised. It creates realness and true connection.
You are so correct in saying that when you do establish unconditional self-love, you will unconditionally love others. It all needs to start within. If we are self-rejecting, we will reject others – and also draw others who are playing out self-rejection and outer rejection.
That is incredibly liberating that now you can bring it back to ‘my inner beliefs have been directing all of this’. This puts the power back to where it is meant to be.
I am so glad Exercise 3 has granted you clarity and a much clearer knowing of Who You Are.
Fantastic work, and thank you for your post.
Lovely to be thought of postively Dave 🙂 Thank you, and you are so very welcome.
Mel xo
1) This re-affirmed what i already know but felt odd. I do not think of myself and it is hard to envision a room of people thinking of me. I know who i want to become, but i have had difficulty determining how to get there. I was taught selflessness is key and still believe that to an extent however realize i do have to take care of myself. I feel like i need breaks from thinking of myself when i immerse in exercises to address my ‘issues’. I feel negative being so honest but it is how i feel and it is extraordinarily hard to preprogram…
2) Again. This was hard for me because i have adopted a lifetime of thinking and taking care of everyone but me. I am still working out exactly what blocks me. My heartrate accelerated when i took this exercise on.
3) I know who i want to become and what i need from others in my life. I believe it is going to be difficult to live up to my declaration but i am going to work on it. It is so hard to be who i want to be in the face of so much chaos.
I have found I am in a circle or web… how do I do the things i need to do in order to heal myself when i need to be healed to do the things i need to do. That is the major question for me. Don’t get me wrong, i feel what you are offering is good and is positive. I am just struggling. (If i wasn’t i guess I wouldn’t be here, lol.)
Hi Anon,
thank you for your every honest post.
Programmed selflessness has been a big problem for many people. What unfortunatly was not taught is ‘If I love and care for myself unconditionally first, then I will be a full and healthy Source to others”.
The self-sacrifical behaviour (assisting others to the detriment of yourself)is definetely something that you need to release, so that you can learn to value and love yourself…I know it will be challenging, but the rewards not just for you, also others in your life will be immense.
Really grant yourself permission to honour you, know you are worth your attention and love and healing..
The very fact that you are working these exercises mean that you do wish to change your life, and you are not entirely happy with the way it has been going.
The underpinning beliefs will be something like ‘If I don’t grant everyone else what they want I will be abandoned, rejected and unloved’.
Try feeling into what is playing out there. The way you have been living out these programs would mean it has been very hard for you to receive any support – you are the ‘giver’ and not the ‘receiver’…
Try to feel into what it would mean if you did receive. Does it feel wrong? Do you feel unworthy of receiving?
Absolutely you will be feeling let down, and supported in life from others as a result of living these inner programs.
In response to your question…it is always about ‘going within’. It is very hard to operate differently when our belief systems are stuck in a pattern that is not serving us.
Which means a commitment to our journal, to our time alone to start making the inner relaisations and changes that then help us make the changes in how we feel, think and operate in our ‘outer’ life.
Its okay to feel like you are struggling – please remember to love, support and speak positively to yourself through this process, and really start telling yourself that you deserve your own attention, and you deserve to heal.
Hang in there (hugs), the information which is in week 2 will help you a lot Anon.
Mel xo
Thank you for the exercises and for helping people to heal their abuse!!
1. The funeral exercise was very motivating and at the same time nostalgic. Imagining people you love standing at your funeral is rather sad, on the other side very meaningful. Through this meaningfulness I have found several traits, achievements and things I want to be as a person. Keeping the end in mind can lead you to some very insightful thoughts about yourself and motivate you for your future steps in a meaningful way!
2. This exercise was pretty hurtful and I had to stop in between because it took a lot of energy for me to dig deep into the wounds. On the other side it brought a lot of understanding about these wounds and myself. After doing it, I even felt that things in front of my eyes were clearer and sharper. So it brought inner and external clearness!
3. This exercise was very positive. While reading out my comitmment I felt very empowered and positive. Again this had a physical component, next to the positive thought pattern: I even felt stronger and bigger (Even though I am pretty small)…I guess inner bigness is what counts, after doing this exercise!
Hi anonymous,
You are so very welcome.
That is fabulous that in Exercise 1 you identified Who You Wish To Be.
I am so pleased you committed to Exercise 2 and dug deep and kept at it. That took wonderful courage and commitment.
Absolutely there is an powerful up-side to the pain of self-humility and self-discovery.It means that the pain (which was unconscious) comes up to the surface, become conscious and starts healing. This is why you received the gift of clarity. You received exactly the result this process creates.
That is great you enjoyed Exercise 3. Yay that you felt ‘bigger’…and it is an authentic ‘big’ when it is an expansion ‘on the inside’.
Lovely work!
Mel xo
Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
This was a very positive, beautiful exercise for me. In my meditation, at first my thoughts wondered about the people in my life that have passed away and how I remember them. When my best friend died in university I remember her then boyfriend saying, “Having her be proud of you and being loved by her was the best feeling in the world.” I realized this is also how I want to be remembered. I want to touch people in a way that makes them feel so good about themselves in a positive healthy way. And more importantly, do that for me. It occurred to me in that moment that I already do have that! This is probably part of the reason so many toxic (dark) people were attracted to my good (light). I was letting them in, letting them take my light (hoping they would love me for it), and suffering as a result. That’s not how I want to live my life moving forward. I will never let anyone take away my light again because there are better people in the world I can share it with. We were asked to write half a paragraph about how we want to be remembered, I wrote 5 pages single spaced front and back, and I probably could have kept writing. My eulogy will be very long. On another note, I would like to say that I am not afraid of death whatsoever; in fact, I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to reconnecting with loved ones and being able to look back at my life and see how I lived it. There is such a sense of relief when you’re not scared of dying because then you feel more free to live your life. I also believe we have already pre-determined our death before we came into this physical world so there is nothing we can do to post-pone or change it, just enjoy life until we get there.
Exercise 2:
I sort of did this exercise a couple months ago after I finished NARP, but it was a good reminder to go over it. I wrote out all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life (career, family etc.) and wrote out belief systems that may be holding me back. I mostly based it on common limiting belief systems that I read about and on my parents belief systems (thinking I probably inherited them as well). But I got the biggest breakthrough when a friend of mine told me her therapist said we attract people in our lives that have the same insecurities as us, we just express them differently. That’s when I looked at my ex-Narc for answers on what might be holding me back. For example, I always prided myself on not being a jealous person (even when some of my best friends would steal my boyfriends in high school etc.) I was always very confident because I knew I must be better than them if they had to stoop that low. Even when I was with my ex-Narc and we had problems with other girls I would complain to my friends and they would say, “this is so not like you to be jealous or care about other girls” and I knew it wasn’t, but couldn’t figure out why he was bringing it out in me. I decided to research how narcissists actually feel deep down (shame, jealousy, rage, insecurity, anger, inadequate etc.) and wrote them out as traits/belief systems that I have as well. Logically in my mind, I couldn’t comprehend that I was a jealous person, but as soon as I shifted those beliefs, I finally started to heal and feel better. I guess deep down my ex-Narc and I did have the same belief systems, we were just expressing them differently (him through manipulation, control and abuse and me through co-dependency). If you’re having a hard time listening to yourself about what may be blocking you, I would suggest looking at the people in your life to guide you.
For Exercise 3:
This was a very validating exercise for me, mostly because it validated how far I have come in my healing process. When I was writing out the declarations it felt very true, almost like second nature – of course I am love, respect, integrity etc. It felt as if I was always that person, I just forgot, it was lost and given away to others. I can assure you a few months ago I would have had a tough time even writing them down because I was so enmeshed in my pain and fear. I actually wrote in my journal “I am the lowest of the low, bottom of the barrel piece of crap.” The valuable part of this exercise for me was writing down how I was going to commit each of these declarations in my daily life. A few months ago I would have had no idea what self-love felt like, let alone know HOW to love myself. It seemed like such a tough concept for me because I have not felt it my whole life. But then it occurred to me in a very simple way and can only describe it as an example…an old friend emailed me and said she would love to catch up over the phone. We made a plan I was to call her the next day. I woke up the next day and felt like staying in bed, drinking coffee and watching a movie and not talking to anyone. The old me would have felt bad not calling her or obligated to call her and would have pushed aside how I felt so I could please her by calling her (which is what she wanted). Instead I thought my well-being is more valuable and if I don’t feel like talking I am not going to call her. If she gets upset and doesn’t understand, well then she’s not a good friend. Loving yourself is listening to yourself and honoring it. Furthermore, not worrying about how it will affect others. When we start worrying about others that’s when we feel bad and create negative belief systems. Our only purpose in life is to take care of ourselves first. If we are good then everyone around us will be good.
My friend’s grandmother once told my mom when she was very young, “if you make sure you’re happy, then your family and everyone around you will be happy”
Hi GA,
Thank you for your beautiful share regarding your funeral exercise, the words you have written are very inspirational. I agree totally, the liberation of the fear of death grants the freedom to live…gorgeous 🙂
For exercise 2 you are 100% accurate. The people we enmesh with painfully are absolutely mirroring our painful beliefs.
Especially the things that hurt the most that they do in these relationships.
And as you say they are just being expressed differently the narcissist in a non-reverent, amoral way, and us in the co-dependent way.
For people who know how to muscle test to check limiting beleifs (such as how powerful is this limiting belief for me out of 10) you can make a list of all the traits you ‘despised’ that the narcissist played out, and then muscle test yourself to see if you also had ‘that’ running within yourself.
This is what is meant by ‘We are always meeting ourself’.
The results will blow you away! When you clean up within yourself what you ‘can’t stand’ in others – what occurs is you break free into a totally different vibrational Universe. All attachments, hooks, psychic connections, or ‘longing’ goes for that individual – you simply are not a match any more.
You graduate into a new vibrational (emotional) reality.
Where your emotional resonance is, is where your life will go.
How gorgeous GA that your Declaration to Self felt so solid and real for you. Yay! I know how much work you have been doing on yourself, and what pain and fear you had to break through (it was pretty heavy).
Congratulations lovely lady!
I love that ‘If we are good everyone around us will be good’…that is SO much about what week 2 is about!
Your friend had a very, very wise grandmother 🙂
Mel xo
Exercise #2 How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
This exercise to be honest brought out my “victimhood state” initially. It also forced me to look at myself a little deeper in the mirror. It made me realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go actually and after writing my affirmations I felt a lot better. I realized I needed to work on some things that I thought were securely in me already such as self approval which was huge. I usually second and third guess my decisions in my head based around others. I still feel that level of codependency and need their opinions and “blessings” in order to feel good about doing or not doing something vs. trusting myself and exercising my feeling and faith muscle. I also realize that when I do trust myself things work out fine and/or how they are supposed to. At times I feel like by seeking others approval it is a form of false control I put over my life as if things don’t work out I am not at fault which I know is not how life works. Again, my affirmations feel awesome and I am on my way!
Hi Andrea,
It is wonderful that you realise that you do need to go deep, you need to deeply go into the pain and open up to your ‘reasons’ to really heal.
What a fantastic and humble share, you are already dissolving the power that old beliefs have held over you – by doing this!
I am so happy your affirmations felt empowering and that you know you are on your way.
Great job 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel, well exercise three is already resonating with me. I felt a shift after creating my declaration to self. It is pretty much a map and best of all, it is helping me deal with the big issue which you identified for me which is self judgement and not being good enough. So the steps in this declaration read like an instruction manual of what I need to work on within to receive same from life and others. So as a child I was punished for being “wrong” and lots of memories played like a movie in my head and I was transported back to these times only this time I was able to love and support myself enough to transform them into no longer fearing being imperfect. So I am going to take the pressure off and give myself permission to be OK as I am. Thank you for your comments after ex 2, they were spot on, amazing. XXJane
Hi Jane,
I am pleased you are experiencing such a shift and getting to the bottom of the self-judgement and what has been holding you back.
WOW! You have got on to this so quickly – a quantum shift at it’s best!
I love how much the truth sets us free – if we are willing to embrace it and work with it.
You are so welcome, and I am so happy to help 🙂
Mel xo
Exercise 1 – This exercise helped me to tap into the fact and see and feel that LOVE is the best thing we have – to give the gift to ourselves and to others. I thought about my husband and daughter and felt the LOVE that I have for both of them. I want to be remembered as someone who resonates LOVE in all that I do. I want to be a good wife, mother and role model for our young daughter. I don’t want her to feel the way I did growing up – I want her to be free to experience LOVE on all levels. This was a wonderful exercise to help me to reconnect with my life’s purpose……Exercise 2 – I see that my limiting belief system is what holds me back. I have bought into a lie that is not true and now I see I have the power to remove those limiting beliefs. They no longer serve me, so I can let them go!! Exercise 3 – This exercise helped me to create a road map for what I need to do for me!! I cannot expect to find these qualities in outside sources until I hold them within myself first. Once I develop and cultivate them within me, then I will naturally attract those people in my life. This has been amazing, Melanie, I cannot thank you enough!! Also everyone who has shared, thank you too!! May God Bless you and your work, thank you for being here for me, I am so glad I found your information!!
Hi Laura,
this is totally divine how ‘love’ is your mantra. Just remember to make ‘loving you’ as the most important foundation – and then you will be a source of healthy and full love to grant to others.
Fabulous how you are seeing the illusions for what they are – and know there is no purpose in reatining them any more.
I’m so pleased Exercise 3 brought you solid clarity.
Laura, you are so welcome and it is wonderful you are enjoying this journey to ‘self’ so much.
Mel xo
My funeral took place in my very own sacred place: the beautiful forest I walk in so often. It was a spring morning. The music was the chirping of birds and forest sounds. The day was as clear and bright and light as the way my heart had become and the way I desired to live my life.
At the end of this exercise, I felt a beautiful softness towards myself. At first it felt strange imagining all these lovely things being said about me but then i just really allowed myself to flow with it and gave myself permission to feel my own goodness. I really connected to my life purpose in this exercise and know that there is no other way for me to be. This woman had found a space for beauty to exist in her life amidst great pain and loss. This exercise made me feel close to myself.
Hi Rozanne,
I love the idea of a funeral in nature….divine 🙂
I love that expression ‘gave myself permission to feel my own goodness’….what a gorgeous mantra! I might steal that as an 11/11 process!
I’m so glad you got a lot out of this exercise 🙂
Mel xo
Exercise #3 How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
After creating my declaration I feel like I am there and I honestly feel I am these things. Writing out the declarations felt good for me as if I am going to start attracting all of these traits and values in my life. I realized that I have been putting up with less than what I was for so long and I forgot who I was in the process. This exercise gave me a stance on things and reminded me that I can not settle for anything less that love for example in my life.
Hi Andrea,
This is terrific that is helping you really create truth and values in your life.
This is what becoming a solid source to self is all about.
Mel xo
Q2. Towards my last days with the narcissist i began to fill empty. But this emptiness was there way before i met him. I have never known what i wanted. I always have had to rely on others to figure out my needs. I was so detached from self that i didn’t know what i want apart from “another relationship!!!” Its as if am addicted to relationships!!!
I know that is not what is going to heal me. I am going to BE HEALED By A RELATIONSHIP WITH MySELF..BUT ITS HARD to identify what i want to be. Well here we go my inner most desire is to be HAPPy WITH MySELF. I want to be truly happy just being me…
Hi Rachel,
this is fantastic self-ownership – which is the true power of self-healing.
Yes!! Yes!! This is exactly the foundation of ‘self’ required – and you are WELL on the way to creating it.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself – keep it up 🙂
Mel xo
Q3 What have you now realized about what has been holding you back
I realize that my inner unaccepted unhealed parts are projected to others in forms of HARSH PAINFUL RUTHLESS judgment. As such I DO NOT HAVE RELATIONSHIPS as most of my acquaintances, could not stand that form of hypocrisy, and walked away or told me they would rather not have me for a friend. Naturally, i DROVE THEM AWAy. My “shadows” my unhealed wounds were projected so strongly to others in the form of “self proclaimed righteousness” and condemnation on others to a serious extend that they had to Literally “CUT ME OFF.” i HOPE EACH Day AM COMING HOME TO SELF
Hi Rachel,
Again incredible self-honesty. You are amazing….truly. What you are doing takes incredible courage – and it is evident that you want to be authentic and you want to heal – and by doing what you are doing here – you are making massive strides towards that goal.
You are seeing clearly how your self-rejection has been playing out as rejection of others.
Now that you have claimed and faced this, you can heal those unhealed parts that were always about ‘self-rejection’ and actually had nothing to do with the people ‘on the outside’.
The next step is ‘What is this pain of my own self-rejection about?’
Honey you don’t have to ‘hope’ you are coming home to self – you TRULY are 🙂
Mel xo
q3 I also had ideas for the longest time that as a result of sacrificing self to please others, others had to take care of me…If I self sacrificed to take care of anyone, they in turn had to sacrifice and care for me. That was my CORE BELIEF!! IF THEy DID NOT, I WOULD MANIPULATE, COERCE, INSULT RIDICULE, GET ANGRy THROW HUGE FITS, TO SHOW THEM HOW THEy HAD FAILED AND HOW EVIL THEy WERE TO NOT OPERATE By My EXPECTATIONS/STANDARDS. I want to be free of needing to self sacrifice for others to provide me with things i need like self approval, self love, validation, self happiness, self worth, fame, a deep sense of well being and purposefulness. Melanie, i have a lot of work to do. Please help guide me from this predicament, “hope i don’t sound like i need to be rescued.” I want to heal and to be whole. I never want to attract the abuse i brought to my self due to my unhealed parts. Thanks Melanie for being a guide and inspiration.. My journey to my self began a long time ago and God knew i would find help along the way …..
Hi Rachel,
WOW again! Fantastic stuff, and it is so true that many, many people play out self-sacrifice in order to try to secure other’s energy / dependencies etc.
I’d love to help guide you with this.
Firstly rejoice that you are getting to the bottom of this….and know you can take a breathe…PLEASE do not judge yourself, in fact tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for being ‘real’ with yourself.
Hun asking for help is not needing to be rescued, because ultimately you will need to do the work on yourself, I can only guide you as to ‘how to’.
Okay so what this is about now, is realising that this is going to take some effort of ‘you being with you’ and getting more and more comfortable with this.
This means rather than go for that ‘hit’ outside of you – you need to spend time with your journal and pen and yourself – rather than self-avoid.
Ok you state you have suffered abuse. It is really important to start working on your deep inner parts to clean this up.
Are you working with NARP? Because QF Healing (in NARP) is going to be the fastest and most powerful way for you to access and transform the inner you – the parts of you which feel lack of self-love, self-validation etc….It is the wounds (and the ancient ones) which are causing this disconnection from yourself.
They can be effectively worked on at a deep level with the use of energetic healing.
Let me know if you are on NARP, because then we can take our conversation from there. The goal setting MP3 in the Program can be used to directly address many of the limiting beliefs you are speaking of.
Mel xo
After doing the first exercise I realized that I have a lot of things yet to accomplish in life. My dreams and goals are in alignment with what I saw but also there were more aspects added that I became aware of. My end goal is about leaving a legacy of love, empowerment, success, art and family and it is what I always felt was in my heart but now I realize that I have to heal some parts of myself to be able to get there.
Exercise 2 was really intense for me. After writing down the things I felt I wanted to accomplish and started getting deeper into why I have these beliefs about not being good enough and not worthy enough, etc. I started to become aware of all the conditions in my family that had created these beliefs. Having grown up with emotionally unavailable parents who provided little to none emotional support and love, I grew up with the need to receive it from others and also made me feel unloved. Also, my father was narcissistic, abusive and my mother also had some narcissistic qualities, but instead of directly abusive she was more of indirectly putting me down kind of relationship. So I grew up feeling unworthy, not good enough and all that. When I was writing about it all, I felt the pain in my energy field and I really was processing all these buried emotions. It went to the point where I got fever and chills one night and had to get really warm and sweated all night, which felt like I was releasing the toxic energy of these childhood wounds I had been carrying. It was really intense but I feel better after, like something was unloaded from me. It felt really good to write the counter statements of my old beliefs. The “I am in the process of achieving…” felt very healing and empowering, especially after the huge release I had gone through. Writing the declaration of self felt amazing, because it really made me aware that I really want to embody all these qualities at all times. In fact, it was a great relief to focus on just what I project into the world regardless of what others do or don’t do, because I used to react to other people but now I am going to just focus on what I project in the world. Its very liberating because I can’t control what others do, so I would become frustrated in the past, but now I realize that that is irrelevant to how I should act.
Thank you Melanie for this amazing gift of this empowerment program. I am feeling a shift already and really look forward to the next steps. You truly are amazing! Love
Hi Anadara,
This is wonderful that you now clearly see and feel the end goal and know there is work to be done to flow into Who You Are.
Great that you wanted to go deeper, and were really open to this. It absolutely sounds like you energetically purged a lot of stuff that had been stuck within you – and it is wonderful you are feeling such a release from it.
You did a terrific job with Exercise 2!
What a huge reakthrough to realise the shift back to ‘centre’ – the freedom to be your own Source of power and bring power back to where it should be – inside of you.
That is what authentic power truly is!
You are so very welcome Andara, and I am so pleased you are enjoying the Challenge and getting so much out of it 🙂
Mel xo
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
I wrote the funeral out a second time, concentrating on what I would like for people to say about me, and I found that it was completely in line with what I want in life, because my life is about relationships. I want my daughters to feel loved and supported and to have many beautiful memories. I wanted my friends to be able to say I was always willing to listen and we had some great fun. The only change I would make is to pay closer attention to my relationships going forward, to nuture and enjoy them, they are my sustenance and a way in which I can offer something back to life.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? I felt very much like FINALLY I get the connection between family of origin and my behaviors in the present. I could see why my self esteem was low, why i have chosen dysfunctional men to “fix” and why ive confused pity/compassion with love. It felt good to better understand myself, because that gives me hope I can do it differently now, not subconsciously and endlessly repeating the same mistakes.
What have you now realised about what has been holding you back? I think my worst negative belief has been that I need a man to be happy, to prove to myself and the world that I am valuable, that i have a place and a role. I need to validate my self, bask in self confidence, and with or without that special partner, I
want to enjoy life and love from all sources, people, nature, pets, etc.! Depression and obsession had obscured that for me.
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self? I feel much clearer going forward what to focus on to be truly happy and on track. I feel my old self coming back, we’ve been separated for a long time and it’s like getting my groove back. I especially LOVE my custom-made affirmations! I can FEEL them, not just say them. I know that these exercises have brought me to a higher level of healing, thank you so much, Melanie, for caring enough to share your wisdom with us!
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your lovely funeral day share…
You truly have received some powerful awarenesses as a result of ‘going within’, and kudos to you for doing so…
Absolutely you will be able to reframe and create different realities. You will love week 2, it is going to help you enormously!
I am so pleased your Declaration To Self was so powerful, and that you are feeling these affirmations. I can feel your excitement!
Cindy, you are so very welcome, and it is a pure joy to share 🙂
Mel xo
I have been abused for over 40 years by a super
narcissist. It was not until five years ago that I even knew what a narcissist was. I was trying to heal myself on my own and thought I was healing and getting along just fine. But to my surprise I was just fooling myself. It was not until a stranger (male) came and sat next to me, at an event that I was attending, I realized the depth of my pain. When the man sat nest to me this ,surge of anger came up that made me see I am a long way from being healed. So a very close friend- who herself that has gone through the same ordeal- sent me your book “Breaking the chains of Painful Love” that lead me to this web site. Thank you for sharing and teaching us how to heal. The first week has been helpful and I know by the end of this class I will have broken the concrete and chains I put around my heart. I know I need to open up to creating loving relationships and truly getting to know who I am and really loving my self. I do not want my name to be posted.
Hi Anonymous,
I am so glad my book found its way to you, and you have become a part of this community 🙂
It is wonderful that you want to deeply heal and free yourself, and you have claimed the desire to partner you.
I know these processes will help you a lot.
You are so welcome, and welcome to deep healing and support 🙂
Mel xo
Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals?
I’ve been feeling both intrigue and quite a bit of resistance. In fact I cannot explain the resistance other than that my recently returning to work after a several-day hospitalization has left me very exhausted after the workday and needing to rest completely over the weekend. As such, I have been very frustrated as well for not being able to give this exercise the attention I would like to give it.
What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
I was immediately able to get to the realization that it wasn’t my many years w/the narc that kept me from realizing my goals.
Rather, it was the issues surrounding my family of origin, and I just don’t mean the immediate family that I was born into, but the whole family line going back 100s of years.
I grew up in a family where hardship was the norm. No one was expected to do better. The main focus was on survival.
Now while the issue of survival is a very critical one, especially for my parents who were in the thick of WWII and had their entire lives uprooted during invasions of enemy troops. Having lost their homeland and livelihoods, they were strangers in a strange land.
But the thing is, there were other war refugees that wound up doing much better for myself than my parents did. Sure, both my parents had serious brain injuries right after the war ended – injuries that were severe enough to affect their cognitive abilities. So it makes sense that they perhaps could not get out of their limiting beliefs do to their brain injuries cementing those limiting beliefs.
But still, I get the strong feeling that there must be more to the family of origin limiting beliefs than just the external circumstance that had great impact on my parents. And I know that this exercise is not something that can be completed in just a few days – at least not for me – that I need to continue working on it to gain the full benefits of it.
Hi Neringa,
It has been incredible to really commit to this after returning from hospital – great determination.
Yes, it is very easy to blame the narcs in our life, until we deeply realise that they were only catalysts, and there were aspects about ourself which had always required healing – that were set up way before the narc arrived.
It is very true that in our DNA we take on limiting beliefs from our parents and their ancestors.
Even up to recently I have discovered that some of my blocks were in fact ancestral – and the shift upon moving them out was astounding!
Keep at it – you will find some amazing stuff that you will be able to clear! 🙂
Mel xo
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I feel that “yeah! This is me”! and that it’s entirely doable! I can feel the vibration buzzing inside of me. Now all I need to do is to keep reminding myself of that – keep repeating that to myself until I believe that, while at the same time remaining vigilant on in constantly working mo my limiting beliefs.
Hi Neringa,
Yay! I love this. It is so gorgeous to feel the powerful resonance of energy that feels ‘real’. It is such a buzz!
Great stuff sweetie!
Mel xo
Exercise #1
There were only a few things I was surprised to see on the page,but ultimately my end goal was exactly what I thought it would be.
Exercise #2
Going deep wasn’t as easy as thought it would be, considering I have done the modules a lot. There were issues that I knew I had, but honestly didn’t realize how deep they went until I allowed myself to write until I felt done. I have been using these to strengthen the modules so I can get through these issues. And very proud to say they are working well in conjunction with each other.
Exercise #3
The Declaration of Self was an exercise I have done before, so knowing what I wanted was the easy part figuring out how to go deeper took a bit of work and I see where I am limited and where I have pushed through.
Thank you, Melanie!
Hi Laurie,
That is great that your funeral exercise confirmed Who You Want To Be.
Terrific to be working these awarenesses with QFH. Yes they are a powerful combination…absolutely.
Lovely you went deeper this time with your Declaration of Self…all wonderful inner growth!
Great job 🙂
Mel xo
Hello Melanie, hello all!
Thank you so much Melanie for this self-empowerment course. A couple of weeks ago I felt ready to do a course like this one, but this last week has been particularly challenging, so even though I will follow the course now, I will probably repeat it in a few months’ time, when I hope things will have calmed down again. I came across your website in the beginning of 2012, just a few months after I was discarded by my narcissistic ex. For the first time I read about spirituality and the reason for things to happen, and my life completely changed for the better. Since my narcissistic relationship I have been much more careful in choosing partners, and have not yet met a man whom I am willing to fully connect with.
Despite the challenges I am now facing, I completed the first week of self-empowerment exercises. And I also listened to the radio show, which made me significantly shift towards truth.
For Exercise 1:
Doing the funeral exercise in a way scared me because it made me feel that I have a limited amount of time to do the things I want. On the other hand it helped me gain a sense of direction. And a sense of an existing self as opposed to not existing on the day of my funeral (even though I now believe in reincarnation). It helped me begin to think about my end goal and prioritize some of my other goals. I will definitely repeat this exercise so that I can gradually tune into my deeper wisdom.
For Exercise 2:
This exercise was great because I was able to write down the first things that came to mind with little self-judgment. I realized that my parents’ criticism when I was a child has weakened my motivation to pursue my goals as an adult. But once identified, these blocks appeared to be surmountable.
For Exercise 3:
I admit I have difficulty in taking responsibility for myself and that I tend to be harsh on whoever I believe is responsible for my wellbeing. For the past years I have blamed the outside world for what goes wrong in my life. In doing the Declaration of Self I tried to become responsible for myself, whilst maintaining self-love. Inside I know that self-love precedes commitment to become what I wish to be.
Hi P,
you are so very welcome…yes this will be repeated later…
That is wonderful that the deeper spiritual truths have helped grant you clarity, peace and healing.
It’s great that you connected to the funeral exercise and got more deeply in touch with Who You Are…
Fabbo finding these blocks, and absolutely once they are faced and embraced they so much easier to overcome! Well done!
For Exercise 3, this is wonderful self-awareness and humility – which is so healing and freeing…
I love that this exercise has connected you with the necessity for self-love and self-responsibility…
Thank you for posting your answers! Are you ‘sure’ you can’t commit to Week 2 and keep going?
Mel xo
I am not sure i am registered for NARP. I signed up for the monthly program. Sorry am not all acquainted with the terms. I might have avoided signing up for the Quantum because it a bit expensive but and i have to save up…
Hi Rachel,
the $20.00 a month is the full Program, which you have access to immediately. This is no different to paying for the $120.00 outright.
You should have received the links to download the entire Program…
Can you please email me at [email protected] and I will get the office to send you all the links again.
Mel xo
The funeral exercise proved difficult for me as I wanted to picture people dancing and celebrating but the truth is, I remember asking a man once (when we were really into climbing) to take me to Everest and leave me there. I am not afraid of death. most of the time I feel as though I welcome it and the truth is that I see a funeral with no one there and I tell myself I dont care and I dont want to complain and be a victim about it, its just how this lifetime has been.
But tonight I sat and re-read the posts here and I am full of admiration for everyone but especially “living the Dream” who wrote from my soul everything I feel to be true for me in a way that I have never been able to do in more than a decade of journalling.
That deep black hole of despair and terror. i have recognised it, looked into it, acknowledged it intellectually. I have known wonderful healers help but it stays – and they all say to me that I am carrying so much pain and grief that they dont know how I am still here. That I must be incredibly strong. I may be strong on the outside, I withdraw from people so that they wont see my pain, when I do expose the pain I feel guilty for bothering people or that I am trying to get attention by being victimy.
So I know that I feel I just dont deserve anything better from life – that karma or learning the lessons mean that I have to suffer and continue to suffer – that I will keep attracting more trauma. And I wondered is that who I am – who would I be without my story but no – I have done work beofre and it never takes, I am always right back to the start in agony and trying t pretend its Okay.
And for the last 6 weeks I have used every ounce of energy in defending myself against a new landlady who has tried everything to invade my soul – Why? I did a ton of work last year on negative beliefs but still not there. And i fell into despair.
SO I am letting go of running away from it and turning to face it for as long as it takes. It may take my entire lifetime to do this work although I believe that I can turn it around but my limiter is that I feel I dont deserve it.
I am in the process of being gentle with myself and so with others.
I am in the process of relaizing that it doesnt all have to be perfect right now.
I am in the process of no longer holding myself rigid against expected torment and trusting myself to manage any that does come.
Thank you to Mel and everyone that has been so inspiring here.
I am re committing to the program and looking forward to week 2
x
Hi TJ,
Yes, absolutely you are describing the same soul affliction as Living The Dream wrote about.
Again I can assure you this ‘black hole’ is only an ancient beleif that you have been totally disconnected / rejected / punished from Source / God (which means shut off from the energy of your Soul)…because your Soul is the direct connection to Source / God.
I have worked with at least 10 people over the last few years with QFH on this affliction (I had it myself to lesser degrees) and truly it is totally able to be remedied…
IF you want to, and IF you have not created a False Self (False God) as the substitute and decided to forego reverence for self, life and others (narc choice).
You are NOT in this category! Otherwise you would have been going through life TAKING energy pathologically from others to avoid the pain rather than acknowledging it and FEELING the pain and trying to get help with it.
Truly TJ until you work directly on this wound – and you can with QFH – everything is going to be a battle – and once it is gone – WOW – you won’t know yourself.
I see you have emailed me, and I’ll be right back to you today with ‘what to do’ on this…
It’s all good sweetie, truly. It is time for you to be free of this 🙂
I know you can and will be…
Hugs!
Mel xo
Question 1. ~ this felt exciting, I think it was more to do with the fact that I felt like after all the learning and reading etc I was actually now getting a chance to put it all into practice, to actually start taking some action, to get things moving etc. It didn’t throw up too many surprises but I thought it was brilliant all the same and I certainly wrote more than I expected.
Question 2. ~ Extremely powerful. I was amazed at what it brought forward for me. One particular memory astounded me and it was a memory of me as a child of a very young age, comparing myself to others (and it was almost as if this was not a conscious act) but I made a comparison that I was not as good as these other people and that then became a reality that was just not questioned or even discussed, I’m sure if I was even aware of it at the time (this is all very strange to me) but its like I made a judgement at that time and its like it then just became like the law!!! Very revealing but freeing and empowering as well because as well as some pretty dark and dismal stuff it showed me that not all of my negative self limiting thoughts etc come from a very dark and not very nice place. Fascinating and it is also adding to helping me start trusting in myself and in my intuition because what came up for me can not be argued with, it’s fascinating, brilliant exercise.
Exercise 3. ~ this took a lot longer than I thought and once I started I learned an awful lot, not only more deeply about what these character traits really mean but also how I have at times just discarded them when it has suited me but then held that I ‘have’ these traits!!! It feels very courageous, humbling and empowering to make these declarations and gives me something to almost live up to, to relate back to at any time to help me to stick with it, to really become the person I want to be. Its all quite mind blowing really and I can also now understand what you mean when you say the likes of the ex narcs will no longer be a vibrational match for us, I can really see that now ~ incredible. I hope I’ve made sense. As always Melanie, I can’t thank you enough for what you are doing for us.
Much love
Hi Karen,
I am so glad this feels exciting! That is wonderful that you really connected to the funeral exercise.
I love how when we do ‘go into ourself’ and feel into the blocks and pain that we absolutely get the answers. This is what is meant by ‘You are your own true healer’.
In my opinion this is the only path to really heal – so that is fantastic that your inner infinite wisdom granted you that memory.
And it also allowed you to know what the power of that time created for you as a negative belief.
Karen, you are well on your way now to becoming your own powerful healer – this IS brilliant!
I love your humility and how powerful this is that you are granting yourself very honest and self-freeing self-realisations.
Karen you are making TOTAL and INCREDIBLE sense, and you are talking from your Soul – you are expressing real truth, which goes way beyond mere mental imaginings!
Keep it up 🙂 Very, very good…
Mel xo
Thank you so much Melanie, your reply has made me cry ~ in a good way ~ it feels so good to get that feed back, I am learning to be self resilient etc but it helps so much to know that I am on the right track, when I do talk to anybody about this kind of stuff it is clear that they haven’t really got a clue what I’m talking about and have absolutely no inclination of learning to love themselves, become their true authentic selves etc and that’s ok, I no longer judge anyone for their choices but it does mean I get no real feed back from what I’m doing so thank you so much for your feedback, encouragement and support, all of what you talk about in your books etc are really starting to make complete sense now, you really are ~ well, mere words alone cannot describe what I think of you, you’re fabulous, thank you 🙂
Hi Karen,
you are so welcome 🙂
I am so pleased you are feeling the support to be authentic!
When you are ready you can really start working at vibrating at conjoining with Spiritual Partnerships – people who ‘get’ personal responsibility and personal growth…and truly you will start creating this in abundance!
But (as with all Law of Attraction – being the Creator) don’t have a ‘need’ for this (you are your own source of validation and approval)…just know you are ‘this’ authentically and then expand you and co-creating more ‘of this’ in the world.
Feel the Oneness on this topic and you will be amazed at how many people you start to meet, and people who also want to step into this energy!
I hope this helps sweetie 🙂
Mel xo
Fabulous, that really helps, I’ve wrote down your reply and I will keep referring to it, I am so happy at how far I am ‘coming along’, I love it and love how I keep learning more and more, its like, with your help, its all starting to really sink in, become part of my reality, I love it, I’m just starting to really understand this oneness, the message is getting to me gently.
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you xxx
Hi Karen,
you are very welcome gorgeous!
Oneness – is where it is at. It allows us to know our true potential – authentic creation and power.
And the more we connect to this energy the more we feel our Soul Energy, the knowing, the peace and the love, and the more we see pain and fear, and ego (external power seeking) as the false illusions keeping us separated from Who We Really Are.
You are doing a marvellous, incredible job 🙂
For now you are all that you need – and more of ‘you’ is absolutely coming.
When we be-come something – more must ‘come’ as an attraction of our beingness. And you certainly do not have to feel empty or deficient in the meantime 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, again thank you so much! I have to say I tried to do this last week and coudnt do it, I did the funeral exercise and felt awful, it was so hard you see, I had this dream of living out of my country I had huge dreams of working and traveling around the world… I met a N and found with him the only way at that time that I could make my dream come true, he lives in London and I applied to a University there and got accepted and I went to live with him, terrible six months passed and I left, three months later I came back to London to finish my studies and lived the happiest two months of my life (lived alone, worked and studied in an amazing city) But I dont know why I decided to test my new gain strenght and got in contact again with my ex, and then it happened (tears keep on coming out when I write this) I became pregnant, after that life became 100 times harder, he convinced me to live again with him and I conviced myself this was the best way to deal with the situation. I was deeply depressed however I was able to finish my studies, survived an auful five months filled with abuse, but with the help of my dear friends and family I escaped (still pregnant) back to my country. I began no contact and even though he pestered my dad calling him every week and even came here demanding attention I stayed strong and did no contact at all. Scared. My family supported me but didnt understand the abuse I went through and how I wanted to protect my daughter and myself, so they keep on trying, specially my dad, to convince me to give him a chance to be a dad. I wrote many times here and I understand everything, I know is my unhealed parts I need to work on, I do not blame the N or anyone, only me. The thing is Im now here, dreams in hold, back in my country, with a baby and all the responsabilities of this, no money at all, depending entirely on my family (hate being dependant on them) Its just too much!!! I know you dont like people to write the sad story, but I just need advice, how can you in the middle of crisis can you heal???? I feel tired, defeated, like they say getting up is the hardest part!!! I do want to heal but cant find the energy!!! By the way all of this happenend last year, my baby is 5 months… I know it might be too soon but I really, trully want to feel better… 🙂
Hi Alexandra,
Firstly it is great you want to heal. And to do so means taking responsibility – which is not about ‘blaming’ yourself.
What I am about to write is in no way about blaming you – it is about helping you peel back the ‘fog’ in order to see clearly what has played out for you, why it has played out for you, and what your healing entails.
Firstly you had a dream of working away from your country and travelling around the world. You felt this would define you – which is perfectly ‘normal’ and ‘human’ – yet not energetically advantageous (external power seeking).
This came from a place of ’emptiness'(if you are honest with yourself) because you did not have this dream as a part of you creating this (expresseing ‘more’ of you as an expansion of you), you deemed you must seek someone else’s power to achieve this dream – because you did not believe you had this power within yourself.
Right on cue someone who appeared to grant you this power – to make up for your feelings of powerlessness – appeared in your life.
The insecurities and dependencies generated from your own powerless feelings saw this as your opportunity to ‘get’ your dream.
And you know if you were honest with yourself that you saw warning signs, and / or something did not feel right about him – yet you persisted.
There is no way your Soul was not granting you the clues not to continue with him. All of ours did – and we justified it away.
After separating you DID actually have a taste of what it was to pursue your dream on your own terms – yet the still existing insecurities and dependencies within you (not being a full Source to yourself) were still playing out – hence why you reached out to and made contact with your ex narc.
It was not so much you testing out your new found strength – it was your unhealed parts triggering your mind (our mind always finds excuses to agree with our unhealed parts)- which put it down to ‘testing my newfound strength’ whereas it was really your unhealed dependencies still playing out – which pulled you back into the reconnection with an abusive (an even more powerless) person again.
Your dreams are on hold – because your true dream is ACTUALLY to heal your unhealed parts.
No outer dream is going to grant you yourself.
Once you have created yourself as that solid Source to yourself, and healed and aligned with your True Soul energy then your dreams will all work for you – they will be authentic, without the disasters of abuse within them – and they will add more to your already existing inner fulfilment and solidness.
Your Soul is telling you that going after a ‘dream’ is not the way to avoid partnering and healing yourself.
Alexandra, for you it is back to the basics, allow your dependency at this time, so that you can fully commit to healing you.
Make it clear with your family that you are disconnecting from your ex, and it is your time to heal yourself.
Allow them to support you and your child in anyway necessary until you do heal.
Truly your appropriate step right now would be to work through NARP.
This is where your foundation needs to take place, and please wait further down the track to be engaging in these processes…because they are the steps after NARP.
I know this is tough, I know this is not the way you thought your life would turn out – and I know it is a huge pill to swallow right now.
The choice is face and heal these unhealed parts or avoid them.
Your Soul absolutely does not want you to avoid them, and this is why the message has hit hard.
You may think you are going backwards by letting go of outer dreams and going within – but when you hit the joy and the immense love of your own Soul / Oneness – you will realise that THIS is what you have seeked all along, and the ‘dreams’ are just a gorgeous bonus as an expression of your Soul Energy – and they certainly don’t have to be what you previously thought they were.
It is going to take a lot of work, shifting pain and letting go of ‘the outer’ to achieve this – but truly what choice do you have when your Soul has stepped in and said “Alexandra this is not your truth – let me show you what is REALLY going to grant you authentic fulfilment and truth?”
You can chose to surrender to that (knowing it is truth) as your fastest way to a wonderful life (created from the inside out), or try to beat the system of your Soul.
I hope with all of my heart honey – for you, that you choose the former.
Mel xo
These exercises were a wonderful way to help to remind me what is most important and what I should be focusing on. I’ve been feeling very confused and directionless … and now feel that I have a renewed sense of direction and a place to start. My Declaration of Self makes me feel empowered to be on this journey. I am so excited. Thank you, Melanie.
Hi Chantal,
I am so pleased the exercises have granted you clarity and solidness!
This is wonderful 🙂
You are very welcome, and I am so pleased it feels ‘good’ for you – such a confirmation you are feeding your Soul 🙂
Mel xo
My narcissist did make contact with me, wanting some of his paperwork that i had. I navigated through the session well enough, and i could see his disappointment not being the weak “toy” he used to mess around with.
Any thoughts Melanie?
Hi Rachel,
I am not sure what you are asking here, could you please clarify?
Mel xo
He invited me for dinner, to hand over some certificates that belong to him. I guess its over and he has realized that I am not going back. I am handing his certificates to him today. I was overly responsible for everything as a codependent. I felt a tinge of disappointment but realized that he is a narcissist, its always going to be about him if i agree to reconcile, and i will never have a chance to love and be loved. I guess it over between us, thank fully am learning to back myself up and pursue my own goals. It so long with this guy i guess…
Hi Rachel,
if this man is a narcissist the only way he would change is if he fully owned and claimed his unhealed parts, let go of his False Self and dedicated himself to working on them diligently (as co-dependents will and can do!).
I have never seen any narcissist do this…
So yes your answer is “NO” he is not going to change – which does mean you need to cut the ties and keep moving forward into creating your truth…which is happiness and fulfilment.
Mel xo
I just came across this program today and am looking forward to this journey. I am ready to do the work, liberate myself and shine bright. It’s been a long time coming and am grateful to find this community. Off to do exercise 1. In gratitude, Lisa
Hi Lisa,
That is great that you have found this information and want to liberate you!
Gorgeous – and welcome to this community 🙂
Mel xo
Thank so much Melanie,
I am cutting of the ties, getting a new phone number tomorrow.
Thanks
Hi Rachel,
You’re welcome sweetie.
I am SO proud of you!
Great job 🙂
Mel xo
As I was doing the second set of exercises, something really amazing happened. On the inner list, I wrote down that I wanted to achieve authentic personal power. I almost didn’t put this down because the word “power” has such ugly connotations for me. But, it seemed important for some reason. Anyway, when I started journaling about it, this flood of memories hit me and I got, for the first time, what a double bind I’ve been in since early childhood, and why I was such a perfect match for a narcissist. What I discovered is that I have had two messages running ceaselessly in my subconscious since I was very, very small. One is that I must be perfect or I will be punished–perfect meaning being whatever the people around me need me to be at any given moment(without my being told what that is). The other message is that I will be punished if I draw any attention to myself whatsoever–all attention being risky, but positive attention being downright life-threatening. All my life, I have been juggling these two relentless and contradictory directives: “Be perfect. Be invisible. Be perfect. Be invisible.” WHEW! It’s a wonder I’ve been able to function at all. This is HUGE. Thank you for this profound exercise. Can’t wait to do the rest of them!
Hi Sunlight,
Wow! These are huge realisations and absolutely make perfect sense…
Far out! No wonder you are excited about discovering this! Fantastic that these are now conscious and can be healed 🙂
You are so welcome Sunlight and keep up the wonderful self-discoveries 🙂
Mel xo
Hey Melanie,
I realize that the only way i could have been in a relationship with a narcissist is by denying my feelings, “literally killing my feelings for the sake of the narcissist because how else could i survive the horrendous projections? Only by denying my pain!!”
Its a sad day but a glorious day cause am choosing life for my feelings and being instead of death!!
Thank you:-)
Melanie,
Sorry to post often but it is clear that i learned to “hide my feelings way before i met narcissist” cause i was the hero child in my family. He only accentuated what i already had going on within me. Well now to healing and recovery
Thank you Melanie
Hi Rachel,
this is wonderful that you are getting big ‘ah-ha’ moments.
It is very true that we have to go numb to our feelings with a narc – and if we have perfected that before, we certainly are not going to ‘be with’ and listen to or honour our feelings.
Great job! 🙂
Mel xo
I couldn’t figure out initially how to use your blog, but now I see how to respond. I have gotten so much out of all your teachings. I have spent the past year following your articles while involved with a narcissist and struggling to get out.I had the good fortune to meet a man who came into my life to show me lessons about what a good man was like for the first time. Unfortunately I was not healed enough to leave the narcissist and the healthy partner moved on, but the lessons will remain and I will again through your latest course of material(which came at the perfect time to go deeper into how to work on myself) work on myself and hope that another person is brought into my life where I will be healthier to move forward. Its hard to imagine anyone better will come along, but it was a miracle that this person entered my life. I still hadn’t learned enough and healed within myself enough to feel deserving enough of him. I trust the process and thank you so much for the continued material to work on myself whether i meet someone or not, I will feel more grounded and I trust it will bring better things.
Thank you, Thank you. You are amazing to share all of this to heal so many others.!I did not figure out earlier how to post back
Hi A,
that is great that you have been able to post here 🙂
Absolutely when you have healed you – life will bring you the ‘match’ for this – (that is what life ‘just does’…and always ‘does)…there truly are no missed opportunities – just more creation.
And it is wonderful when our creation becomes ‘conscious’ (productive) rather than ‘unconscious’ (destructive).
You are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are feeling and trusting the process 🙂
Mel xo
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
Yes it has made me more determined to be ‘that’ better person. I see being a better person means just as much to everyone else as it does to myself.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
I realise that it is worth investigating all self doubts and fears now and not just accepting them as’oh thats just me’. Now I look within to understand, accept and move forward to heal. Most of what I have looked within about has been from childhood, which logically makes absolutely no sense to hold on to and use now.
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I feel stronger about being myself and accountable to make myself a better, happier person. I like to read it and think ‘yeah thats right!’
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
My biggest realization here was of how many people ties, I cut being with my ex. How many friends i lost touch with..some just because of the relationship others because he was jealous or antisocial/ better than them. Secondly, how I had let him suppress
nd hijack a very involved, loving piece if myself, out of his jealousy & his desire to have’ all of my attention’ . I realized I miss these people and interactions and
want to be with a partner who allows me to be me& loves me for it, rather than someone who must limit me out of fear.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
A lot of this I have worked on for years but I realized that I still have some deep wounds, “untrue truths” and strong fears. In my relationship, I did have some growth in myself despite the negative N behaviors being intertwined with reality…but this exercise showed me know that my ex knew how to use my fears of abandonment/ being alone against me so subtly …and showed me that my work on myself is not quite done.
I have alot of pride in how far I have come in my journey of self & I am not going to let my ex or anyone take that away from me…I read above the comment on coming from a dark void with addictions, avoidance, deep pain and self loathing. I’ve been there and it is terrible… but there is hope with awareness & work…I am now hoping Mel, that your work ( which I am loving) will help what I know logically ( I am worthwhile, loveable, enough & frekin survivor) sin in on an emotional/ gut level. I am praying for it 😉
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I love the affirmation & declarations…I love the positivity of your blog here
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
My biggest realization here was of how many people ties, I cut being with my ex. How many friends i lost touch with..some just because of the relationship others because he was jealous or antisocial/ better than them. Secondly, how I had let him suppress
nd hijack a very involved, loving piece if myself, out of his jealousy & his desire to have’ all of my attention’ . I realized I miss these people and interactions and
want to be with a partner who allows me to be me& loves me for it, rather than someone who must limit me out of fear.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
A lot of this I have worked on for years but I realized that I still have some deep wounds, “untrue truths” and strong fears. In my relationship, I did have some growth in myself despite the negative N behaviors being intertwined with reality…but this exercise showed me know that my ex knew how to use my fears of abandonment/ being alone against me so subtly …and showed me that my work on myself is not quite done.
I have alot of pride in how far I have come in my journey of self & I am not going to let my ex or anyone take that away from me…I read above the comment on coming from a dark void with addictions, avoidance, deep pain and self loathing. I’ve been there and it is terrible… but there is hope with awareness & work…I am now hoping Mel, that your work ( which I am loving) will help what I know logically ( I am worthwhile, loveable, enough & frekin survivor) sin in on an emotional/ gut level. I am praying for it 😉
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I love the affirmation & declarations…I love the positivity of your blog where others are full of circular gripeing. In just a few days ( I know I’m a late starter on this) of affirmations & blessing/ accepting my feelings, reactions and pans, I am feeling hopeful.
I was in a relationship where I loved my ex completely, he did loving things for me intertwined wth his issues but I thought we were both happy, and working on things…We were a family with future plans & I was completely blindsided when I found out he was cheating & had been lying since day 1. I thank a friend for making me aware of NPD and allowing me to make some sense of this. I thank you for posting these blogs and giving me
a path for a more positive way to heal.
Gratefully.
Redd
Redd on April 17, 2013 at 12:20 pm said:
Reply
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
My biggest realization here was of how many people ties, I cut being with my ex. How many friends i lost touch with..some just because of the relationship others because he was jealous or antisocial/ better than them. Secondly, how I had let him suppress
nd hijack a very involved, loving piece if myself, out of his jealousy & his desire to have’ all of my attention’ . I realized I miss these people and interactions and
want to be with a partner who allows me to be me& loves me for it, rather than someone who must limit me out of fear.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
A lot of this I have worked on for years but I realized that I still have some deep wounds, “untrue truths” and strong fears. In my relationship, I did have some growth in myself despite the negative N behaviors being intertwined with reality…but this exercise showed me know that my ex knew how to use my fears of abandonment/ being alone against me so subtly …and showed me that my work on myself is not quite done.
I have alot of pride in how far I have come in my journey of self & I am not going to let my ex or anyone take that away from me…I read above the comment on coming from a dark void with addictions, avoidance, deep pain and self loathing. I’ve been there and it is terrible… but there is hope with awareness & work…I am now hoping Mel, that your work ( which I am loving) will help what I know logically ( I am worthwhile, loveable, enough & frekin survivor) sin in on an emotional/ gut level. I am praying for it
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I love the affirmation & declarations…I love the positivity of your blog here
Redd on April 17, 2013 at 12:28 pm said:
Reply
For Exercise 1: Funeral Exercise
How did this feel for you, upon realising your ‘end goal’? Has this changed the way you see ‘who you want to become’?
My biggest realization here was of how many people ties, I cut being with my ex. How many friends i lost touch with..some just because of the relationship others because he was jealous or antisocial/ better than them. Secondly, how I had let him suppress
nd hijack a very involved, loving piece if myself, out of his jealousy & his desire to have’ all of my attention’ . I realized I miss these people and interactions and
want to be with a partner who allows me to be me& loves me for it, rather than someone who must limit me out of fear.
For Exercise 2:
How did it feel for you going deeply into realising what has been blocking you from achieving your goals? What have you now realised about what has been holding you back?
A lot of this I have worked on for years but I realized that I still have some deep wounds, “untrue truths” and strong fears. In my relationship, I did have some growth in myself despite the negative N behaviors being intertwined with reality…but this exercise showed me know that my ex knew how to use my fears of abandonment/ being alone against me so subtly …and showed me that my work on myself is not quite done.
I have alot of pride in how far I have come in my journey of self & I am not going to let my ex or anyone take that away from me…I read above the comment on coming from a dark void with addictions, avoidance, deep pain and self loathing. I’ve been there and it is terrible… but there is hope with awareness & work…I am now hoping Mel, that your work ( which I am loving) will help what I know logically ( I am worthwhile, loveable, enough & frekin survivor) sin in on an emotional/ gut level. I am praying for it
For Exercise 3:
How do you feel now after creating your Declaration of Self?
I love the affirmation & declarations…I love the positivity of your blog where others are full of circular gripeing. In just a few days ( I know I’m a late starter on this) of affirmations & blessing/ accepting my feelings, reactions and pans, I am feeling hopeful.
I was in a relationship where I loved my ex completely, he did loving things for me intertwined wth his issues but I thought we were both happy, and working on things…We were a family with future plans & I was completely blindsided when I found out he was cheating & had been lying since day 1. I thank a friend for making me aware of NPD and allowing me to make some sense of this. I thank you for posting these blogs and giving me
a path for a more positive way to heal.
Gratefully.
Redd
Melanie
You have indeed been my liberator. You have helped me to liberate myself from the image that was cast. I begin to feel the results and my narcissist is distraught that she has no power over me. I hope to be fully myself very soon, with your accompaniment. God bless you. But I must say, I saw God in your writings enabling self-liberation and to celebrate the gift of life.
Hi, I really like the week one course for self empowerment but did not recieve any of the other weeks emails. Is it possible for them to be sent to me at my email address. Thanks
Hi Tav,
all the information you require as per each week is in the blog articles..these are identical to the newsletters…
I hope you enjoy the process!
Mel xo
Have you posted the other weeks exercises yet?