Melanie Tonia Evans

Is The Narcissist Capable Of “Loving?”

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 29
306
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Do you remember being a child and playing the game with a daisy, picking the petals, “He loves me, he loves me not?”

When you got to the last petal you had your answer – one way or the other.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, before you get very clear about what is really going on, that answer could change in a heartbeat.

… And you are left reeling, wondering what the real answer is.

What makes matters worse is that some narcissists are very skilled at appearing to be exceptionally loving, giving, caring and attentive in the times when he or she “loves” you.

In today’s article I am going to explain the warning signs of this insidious type of narcissist who is capable of appearing genuine and loving for long periods of time until you are hooked and it’s too late. This same narcissist is also capable of being intensely “loving” in between narcissistic episodes.

I have had many clients and subscribers express their utter dismay and confusion, asking how this person could be a narcissist when they have the ability to be so incredibly supportive, giving and adoring and even enjoy seeing his or her partner happy?

How can this same person then act out, devalue, discard and use malicious emotional abuse at other times – in amongst being so wonderful?

I used to be tormented in my narcissistic relationship with this enormous dichotomy. I certainly can relate to how mind-bending it was.

To add to the confusion, some narcissistic information sources state that narcissists cannot bear being loving, or being told by someone they are loved, don’t say loving words, and certainly do not engage in loving behaviour past the initial honeymoon period.

Do not take this as gospel.

There are also reports of suspected narcissists who have been able to retain relationships with exes that don’t act as if they have been narcissistically abused. Understandably new partners may perceive that this person surely isn’t a narcissist if that is the case.

For those of you who are seriously confused about whether or not your partner is in fact narcissistic, because he or she can be so wonderful, I sincerely hope this article will help you clear up your confusion.

 

The Altruistic Narcissist

Many of you know that Sam Vaknin is a very good source of deeply understanding the workings of a narcissist’s mind, and has written copious amounts of information regarding narcissism.

According to Dr. Vaknin, “Some narcissists are ostentatiously generous – they donate to charity, lavish gifts on their closest, abundantly provide for their nearest and dearest, and, in general, are open-handed and unstintingly benevolent. How can this be reconciled with the pronounced lack of empathy and with the pernicious self-preoccupation that is so typical of narcissists?

The act of giving enhances the narcissist’s sense of omnipotence, his fantastic grandiosity, and the contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the supplicating recipients of one’s largesse. Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the beneficiaries.

But narcissists give for other reasons as well.

The narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as a bait. He impresses others with his selflessness and kindness and thus lures them into his lair, entraps them, and manipulates and brainwashes them into subservient compliance and obsequious collaboration. People are attracted to the narcissist’s larger than life posture – only to discover his true personality traits when it is far too late. ‘Give a little to take a lot’ – is the narcissist’s creed.”

Sam also discusses how altruistic narcissists also use their giving of time, affection, possessions, money and energy as weapons. To declare the imbalance of their relationships, how unfairly they have been treated and the grandstanding of “Look at what I put in, and you don’t.”

These are the narcissists who scream out “I want to be treated like an equal!”

In the case of ex partners being assisted, able to call up favours and be supported in some way emotionally or financially by the narcissist, this ensures on-going and readily accessible narcissistic supply. The narcissist is also very adept at convincing ex-partners how much he or she has changed now since their relationship ended, and attracting potential relationship attention from these people again.

As a result these ex-partners provide a source of approval and adoration and sex when required, or when the narcissist’s “committed” relationship is not sufficiently feeding his or her False Self. The narcissist will also use these sources to smear his current partner to in order to receive sympathy as a form of additional narcissistic supply.

 

Narcissists Require Mirroring

When we examine the narcissistic model there are several things we can benefit from understanding. Firstly the narcissist is a no-self. What that means is that a narcissist needs mirroring. He or she needs energy from the outside, from someone else, to confirm that he or she exists.

This means the narcissist is very capable of putting him or herself last and putting everyone else first in order to receive attention, praise, approval and worthiness.

For the altruistic narcissist it’s exhausting to have to be the “great person” and seek out others constantly in order to gain such approval, and try to suppress the damaged True Self that exists under the mask of the False Self. However, the altruistic narcissist will relentlessly persist.

It’s also important to understand that the narcissist will perform such acts knowing that he or she feels false, and is constructing these acts of generosity with agendas connected to them. The narcissist is very capable of feigning concern, empathy, compassion, love, support and tenderness. These agendas are all centred around receiving the supply that the False Self requires to maintain the image of being “lovable, worthy and special.”

To try to gain the inner “fullness” that the narcissist is incapable of creating or maintaining for him or herself. Naturally these hits of supply wear off, and need to be pursued again, again and again.

It’s important to know that you cannot believe in anyone who displays severe narcissistic behaviour (which I will describe later in this article) as you would a non-narcissistic person – when this person looks you in the eyes and declares (as if from the bottom of their soul) how much he or she loves you.

A narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology of declaring undying love and commitment to his love partner, and simultaneously being able to declare identical scripts to other individuals in order to secure sex, attention or significance. The words themselves are meaningless; it’s the results which are important to the narcissist.

 

Narcissistic Entitlement

The next important point to understand is regarding the narcissist’s sense of entitlement. His or her sense of entitlement is generated from the False Self. The False Self demands obedience without question. It needs to be unique, adored and agreed with. When an intimate other does not follow the constructed script of what the False Self requires to be maintained, then the narcissist can change from “the adoring soul mate” into the “ruthless persecutor” on a dime.

Now comes the inevitable bout of “I love you NOT.”

The defence mechanisms of the narcissist’s personality, as well as his or her neurological brain-wiring, are firmly set to defend the image of the False Self fiercely and jealously. Any threat to the constructed False Self is dealt with harshly, vengefully and vindictively.

The incredibly heart-breaking and frustrating part of it for intimate partners is that the narcissist has not expressed what his or her internal pain is about before the eruption occurs. The love partner is completely blind-sided.

The truth of the matter is the narcissist has neither the emotional resources nor the desire for intimacy (the narcissist inherently believes “If you really see in to me you will see how defective, unlovable and unworthy I really am”), trust or connection to supply his or her partner with honest or vulnerable (real) emotional information.

Nor does the narcissist have the emotional intelligence to take any responsibility for his or her atrocious reactions. Narcissists are never accountable.

It’s actually not personal – the narcissist simply cannot fathom beyond “You must pay for not agreeing with my False Self.” In fact the narcissist is fixated on punishing you for “How dare you do this!”

Until aware, the abused love partner perceives the following: one minute there is a person “loving” me like no other – and then at a moment’s notice this same person has turned on me, looks at me and speaks to me with pure contempt and is using whatever tool he or she has to maim me the most.

This attack may occur as a result of the slightest critique, comment or glance (often unintended) – or not enough “approval” being granted in a particular moment, whereby the narcissist flies into the vengeful rage of defending his or her False Self.

Maybe the “trigger” was “harbouring.” The narcissist experiences inner pain bubbling about something you did in the past (that you believed was previously resolved – otherwise how could this person be so happy and in love with you?) which the narcissist assigns (again) as the reasons for his or her original inner unresolved and unhealed wounds (rather than dealing with them).

This is especially likely after a period of time when things have been going well.

If your greatest fear is abandonment, the narcissist may threaten to break off or will end the relationship. If the withholding of affection hurts you the most, the narcissist will ice you out for days. He or she intimately knows and uses the weapon which will punish you the most for not obeying the narcissist’s one true master – his or her False Self.

If you ask for accountability, try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you will be accused of everything the narcissist is doing (and more), gas lighted and punished with lies and third party allies, and then smeared to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.

The narcissist will hit back harder ….

The walking on broken glass has begun as you tip-toe around these horrendous episodes, and you are supposed to cower into the submission of serving the bottomless, unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of the narcissist’s False Self – which above all else means never to question, critique or threaten his or her self-constructed mirage of “perfection” or “specialness” in any way.

 

The Warning Signs

Of course there are genuinely kind, giving, caring and wonderful people in the world.

These people do NOT act out narcissistic rage, malicious vengeful acts, shifting from “adore” to “abhor” on a dime, pathologically lie, smear or punish.

Be VERY clear, if your wonderful, giving narcissist – the partner who declares (and even acts as if) you are “the love of his / her life,” he or she would “take a bullet for you,” “drop everything for you,” and always “be there for you” – acts in these severely narcissistic ways … the “giving” was never about YOU – it has always been about supplying and preserving the narcissist’s False Self.

Also be very aware, the other connections this person has to people he or she “cares about” (especially ex-partners or acquaintances this person “helps”) are not only feeding the narcissist’s False Self, but could very well be compromising the emotional and sexual fidelity of your relationship.

Naturally it could be very easy to fall for a potential partner who portrays how generous, altruistic and caring they are. Not only to the people they care about, but possibly also the “world” in general.

Therefore: Beware of these warning signs to avoid getting involved with an altruistic narcissist:

1) Anyone who professes how important romance is, how they have an incredible amount to give in love, and how they want a partner who can love them as much as they can love. Especially if this person worships the concept of “unique and idealised love.”

2) An ex-partner appearing on the scene, especially if this ex-partner freaks out about the narcissist having you as a new partner and starts declaring that a relationship still exists, he or she is still having sexual contact etc. Do NOT just accept your new partner’s excuses to discredit this information. Usually where there is smoke there is fire. Altruistic narcissists need attention, adoration and usually sex. They cannot bear being alone. Another emotional / sexual hookup in the wings is very likely.

3) The self-promotion of being generous, giving and caring. Generous, giving and caring people just are. They certainly do not have to grandstand it and sell it as: “This is the wonderful partner that I am and could be for you.”

4) An abusive and/or unavailable relationship with his or her parents. Especially if the abuse was present between the age of 0 – 6.

5) Any expression such as “I want to own you heart” (or your soul). This is not a declaration of healthy love; it is one of narcissistic possession, entitlement and control.

Male altruistic narcissists act as if they are supporters and carers of the women. They appear to revere, protect and promote women. Like all male narcissists they are actually misogynists, demanding the mirroring of love, approval and worthiness from women that they didn’t receive from their mothers, and will seek revenge on these women (their mother) when the False Self’s expectations are inevitably unmet.

At the very least, women will be dismissed as “not good enough” to meet the insatiable needs of the False Self.

Therefore also beware of meeting any man who states all the reasons why his previous partners “were not good enough for him.” No matter how wonderful and “different” he professes you are now, you will be next in line to fall short of the grandiose demands of his False Self. Be prepared sooner or later to be significantly discredited by him.

Altruistic narcissists are very capable of creating multiple sexual partners, and telling women whatever they need to hear to believe they are exclusive partners and that the narcissist is practicing fidelity.

As Sam Vaknin states: “Narcissist know they are amoral. They recognise this. The truth is they don’t care.”

 

Your Healing

The information I have given you in this article is to help you get VERY clear if you are dealing with the horrific confusion of “Maybe this person is not a narcissist, because of his or her wonderful attributes.”

Now you can understand –if this person is acting out narcissistically, you can logically close the gap on this discrepancy and realise why the narcissist is also capable of acting “so wonderfully.”

Be very clear this is NOT love. Love does not behave like this. Love is not pathological lying, taking umbrage at a “slight” at a moment’s notice, having the capacity to maliciously maim in order to punish you, exhibiting zero ability to take responsibility for atrocious acts, and it certainly is not the ability to create horrific smear campaigns based on fabricated evidence and projections regarding what the narcissist does him or herself.

Only severely personality disordered individuals have the capacity to behave like this. Cluster B defunctions epitomise this behaviour and the nasty vengeful “pay-back” tactics are decidedly narcissistic.

You were not a worshipped and adored love partner. You were merely being groomed (often brutally) to serve the narcissist’s False Self (which is what the narcissist’s entire life existence is about).

Love doesn’t even come in to it. You will not lose out on love by breaking free from this person. You will instead align with the ability to heal and create love for real.

And you certainly can establish real self-love, and know that you would never tolerate behaviour like this again.

Of course recovery is simply not as easy as just knowing this.

I know from personal experience, as well as assisting thousands of people heal from narcissistic abuse, that knowledge and understanding from a logical standpoint is not enough.

If you have experienced the heart and soul-bending agony of “You love me, you love me not” … you may be feeling shattered, reeling and wondering how you will ever recover.

This is where the deeper healing strategies come into place.

Those of you who are members of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, know how to locate, release and transform, with the use of Quanta Freedom Healing, the parts of yourself that were not just maimed by the narcissist, but were also original unhealed parts that attracted, and led you into creating and maintaining a relationship with a narcissist.

To release ourselves from profound heartbreak, deep inner narcissistic poisoning (which permeates every part of your being), C-PTSD and the many twisted and convoluted agonies of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to work on our deep Inner Identity to heal these parts.

You have to see the truth of the outer narcissistic personality, get very clear on what it is, how it does not serve you, and firmly know that what this person represents and brings to the table is NOT healthy or real love.

And realise that when such high-level pathological behaviour is playing out – this person does not have the resources, and certainly does not have the desire, to change.

Then you need to get very clear about getting your focus on to yourself, not only to be released from the pain, but so that you can clean up the patterns of abuse and high levels of tolerance to abuse behaviour within yourself that co-created this dynamic.

Because of the ongoing work I am doing with victims of narcissistic abuse, and my own deep inner growth work, I am becoming more and more intimately aware how the parts within us ‘mirror’ the attraction / connection to the narcissist and what they are and how to target them.

When I saying “mirroring,” in no way am I saying that you are a bad person. What I am saying is that there are unhealed parts and fearful belief systems that made you not only susceptible to narcissistic abuse, but made it excruciatingly difficult to leave, maintain No Contact, heal, recover and move on – and this is the case with most victims of narcissistic abuse until they release and heal these parts.

The ultimate goal is to do this inner work to such a depth that the narcissist no longer feels like your reality, and you know that you would never tolerate or endure such behaviour again.

When this happens – the pain and symptoms disappear, as does the heartbreak, attraction, obsession and feelings of loss.

The reason this happens is: on a belief system, and energetic (emotional) level, when you do the direct inner work, you are no longer a match for a narcissist.

There is a very powerful truth in life: Whatever we will tolerate we will receive.

If we have been narcissistically abused, our greatest healing liberation is to change this.

If you would like further information on how to identify if a person in your life is narcissistic, you can read Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability.

I would love to hear your comments about altruistic narcissism. Have you heard of it before? Have you experienced narcissists who can be so loving and caring one minute and are cruel, controlling and manipulative the next?

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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306 Thoughts on Is The Narcissist Capable Of “Loving?”
  • jdsuk58@aol.com'
    Jennifer
    January 30, 2013

    How I wish I could have read this 6 months ago. I have
    been left homeless and near pennyless by my ex fiancé.

    You have described his PERFECTLY! He supports Breast Cancer Coalition….is a support of the Boys and Girls club…uses his Ferari and other fancy cars to raise money
    for these charities. This same person all alone ended our
    engagment and 3 days later had me ejected from the home we shared. I have no home and am living with my adult son and his wife. I would constantly be confused by his personality. In my core…I began to sense something so very wrong but on the outside..he is well liked and looked up too. The private hell is maddening and beyond confusing. His latest behavior however is visible to the outside world and he is doing his best to smear me….tape recorded on his phone a conversation we had while he told me for no reason the realationship was over. The fear and threat of no home and not being able to work from home caused me to be so frightened and scared that I was terrified. He captured this on tape to share with others as to MY emotional instability. He had a police officer come to our house (he owns it) and have the officer tell me I was a house guest and no longer wanted and that I had 15 minutes to gather a few things!! In shock I left and only got my belongs returned 3 days ago. A house guest that needed a moving company for 4 hours to move my things and a house guest that remodeled his home! Unreal. Here I am…in my sons home just baffled and distraught over how quickly my life went from zero to 100! I am SO ready to learn my part in this. My Father has been the template so I understand that….but I really want to recognize, heal and grow my wounded parts. Thank you for an amazing article…just wish I knew this 6 months ago. As they say all things happen for a reason. I believe I need to learn the lesson in front of me and heal myself once and for all. Your article and Melanies website are helping me on this path.
    WIth thanks and blessings…..Jennifer

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      Yes I am sure a lot of people can relate to needing to sort out this confusion much earlier!

      I am so pleased this article has helped you emotionally and mentally reconcile what was taking place.

      It is so true that only personality disordered individuals behave in the ways that you have described in your post. And no matter how gut wrenching your experience was it is such a blessing that you are now out and free in order to live your life so much more healthily.

      It is also wonderful that you wish to heal the inner you, so that you will never experience an insidious relationship like this again.

      You are so welcome…

      Mel xo

      • creamcheesedesserts@yahoo.com'
        Michelle
        March 22, 2013

        Hi Melanie,

        You have been describing my life story, its as if you were a fly on the wall of my life. We are divorced, and he still professes his undying love and says it ewas a mistake and wants to remarry me, then won’t call me for days because I will not stay over his house. It was incredibily a relief to read your post ans letters, and know that I am NOT crazy, and not unloveable, he did the character assasination, and even punched me in the face when I went to his house because he had been talking “Suicide because he was so depressed, well it turns out he was still seeing the women he had been cheating with since 2010, so when she came out and tried to question me and he started pushing my down the driveway, so when I pushed him away, he punched me with a closed fist, so I called the police, and he was very agitaed and they tazed hi. Do you know that he said it was my fault, and my fault the he cheated on me in the first place? Of course you know that LOL! YOu are helping me tremendously. He is at the top of the Narcissitic list.I don’t hate him, but I feel sorry for him. I would love to hold a conference as I know quite a few women who are going through this struggle. I cannot thank YOU ENOUGH for your due diligence. God bless you for your work!

        Michelle

        • jbeck10259@aol.com'
          John
          June 4, 2013

          I am divorcing after 3 years of hell. we first met and she was on 12 different medicatin to control her. After she talk me into helping her get off the medication she started reading how her mom was a narrcissist. She went to month of theripy to get over it. All of a sudden I became the problem. It was me that was the abusive one and along with her mom. Life was up and down fights all the time and I could not understand what was going on. We both when and seen a Psychologist and after 3 meeting he told me to get divorce fast and run fast. I did not do what he said and I allowed her to keep me in the relationship. After one day she sawI was seeing what she was , she put a civil protection order on me and all hell brock out. Te court found out she lied and made her leave he home. She thinks that everything should e hers and this is after she stold all my life savings. And she thinks after a 3 year marriage she should hav it all. We are about to the end of the divorce and she has spent all the money and is starting to give up because her own attorney withdrew because of her behaviour.
          Boy has this been a rude of my life it has almost killed me, I have made no contact but she will try and use the legal sytem againts me. This didwork at the beginning but is starting to fail her at the end.

      • 1234@gmail.com'
        Bryan
        September 19, 2016

        It upsets me. It really does that you guys see us as monsters. Its not a choice. It’s not like we get up in the morning and plan out how were gonna break hearts and ruin people. It just happens like that. I honestly hate hurting women and making them hurt, I hate myself for it but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried to change but I can’t. I want to find love just like you so don’t look at us like monsters. We’re not.

        Maybe I do or maybe I don’t but at times I kinda feel bad for you people. You feel all this pain and get caught up in emotions and all we do is keep trying to go up and succeed in anything we chose. So forgive me if I say that we’re not monsters, we are much smarter and better than you and if you want to deny it, please do. But who are the idiots that keep putting emotions over everything and get blinded by them? Who are the ones who are easy to manipulate? It’s you. Not us. You may not see it but we can manipulate you and unless you think and have the same attitude as me, you won’t understand how vounerable you truly are to us.

        Crap… I got off topic. So yeah we’re not that bad. We just don’t get why you are all mushy with feelings & how you don’t realize that if you really wanna succeed you’re gonna have to a lot of stuff and although it might sound selfish, if you’re not hurt emotionally or physically then why should you stop for then? They’ll get over it, time will heal them but it won’t wait for you.

        • 1234@gmail.com'
          Bryan
          September 19, 2016

          Oh & yeah, we are capable of love. I love my mother and father. See? Non-monster over here capable of love^^^^^^^^^

        • ciardis09@yahoo.se'
          Nah!
          November 24, 2016

          Stating you are proud of being able to hurt and not care, is not actually something to be proud of you know? You just remember something, YOU need US (emphatic people). We do not need YOU! While we eventually move on from the hurt and repair ourselves, you will not repair yourself. Stating that we are “mushy with feelings” and that you look down on people with feelings in one sentence and then stating in another that you are “not that bad” and you hate hurting women just not go together.

    • jlaizure@hotmail.com'
      julie
      January 30, 2013

      This came at the right time for me. I am working on step one. In evaluating why I have such a feeling of loss when I know how abusive he has been and I realize because when he “loved” me it seemed so real and wonderful, I held on for those moments. But when I got tired of the roller coaster (his hot and cold emotions), and did not make the effort to please him he became very vindictive. Unfortunately, we work for the same company and it is hard to have to deal w/him (our divorce will be final soon) but I have also been able to see him in a different light and see how immature, how he is unable to cope with problems and how fake he is. I am trying to heal my wounded parts but moving forward has been hard even though deep down for along time I know there was something missing in him. Your articles have helped me in enforcing my deeper feeling which I have suppressed for too long!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 30, 2013

        Hi Julie,

        I am so glad this article came for you when needed.

        Be very, very clear. Vindictiveness, vengeance and payback are all personality disordered actions.

        They are absolutely not coming from a person of self-worth or self-love.

        Anyone who has reverence for self is not capable of these acts.

        Truly you may want to consider NARP to really get to the relief, healing and transforming of this pattern within you that you require.

        Then your pain will end and your true liberation will begin.

        Mel xo

        • twoaprettymomma@gmail.com'
          deb
          July 10, 2015

          What is NARP

          • rebeccaobasanjo@ymail.com'
            Rebbecca
            July 25, 2015

            Narcisistic Abuse Recovery Program.

    • julienicholswalsh@gmail.com'
      Julie
      January 31, 2013

      Like so many others have said, this article is just what I needed today. I left my N husband of 15 months right before Christmas. When our counsellor confronted him with his abusive treatment of me, he said that I abused him and refused to take any responsibility for his behaviour. So I knew I had to leave. Even though I have pages and pages of journal entries about his abusive behaviour and the support of several therapists who encouraged me to leave, I still doubt myself at times. I worry that I didn’t communicate well enough or try hard enough or give him enough warning that I would leave if things didn’t change. I know in my head that this is silly. But my heart has a hard time letting go of the altruistic, generous, charismatic person that I fell in love with. And it is very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he never really loved me and he will never understand why I had to leave. But the article today reminded me that he can display all those wonderful characteristics at times, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a narcissist and it doesn’t negate the fact that he was abusive. I feel stronger. Thanks!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 31, 2013

        hi Julie,

        Yes this decidedly narc…you being labelled by him as abusive and him having no resources to be accountable or take responsibility for his behaviour.

        You totally did the right thing in leaving.

        And yes he will never ‘get it’.

        It’s not about him somehow loving you and getting it…

        It’s always been for the reason of you loving you and getting it..,

        I am so pleased this article can help you heal.

        Mel xo

        • debkt7@hotmail.com'
          Deborah
          May 21, 2016

          Hi Melanie this story sounds so much like my own.After a six year roller coaster hell ride I left my N partner.He was controlling and abusive.He told me I will regret leaving him for the rest of my life.Without taking any responsibility for his actions and the reasons to why I had to leave.If you leave them you are the worst.My ex has told me I am no good and that I’m evil like Satan.I still have trouble letting go of all the beautiful parts of him which sounds crazy because I know they were not real,Deb

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        February 5, 2013

        Hey, Julie! It is a very good thing you left him. Narcs will never “get it”, and they cannot feel love. They have no love for themselves because they are trying to support a False self. Deep down they feel so awful they do not feel worthy of self love, and so they cannot love others.
        Learn from this whole thing! Learn to really feel your intuition! It will always steer you right!
        Take time to heal from the pains of this experience, and acknowledge it has been a very valuable lesson.
        You may meet another individual who appears so very giving and altruistic. Take time to check in with yourself; your intuition; your “gut feelings”, so to speak. Melanie makes mention of this in her articles several times. If something or someone seems too good to be true, that is usually the case: it is too good to be true! Remember; most narcs are great con artists.
        Glad you left him!
        Keep up your good to you!
        Cheers!

      • megan7.raj@gmail.com'
        Megan
        November 29, 2014

        Julie i get where you are and how you are feeling (except i am still with my N husband). I was only able to finally to put a name to what this whole thing was 6mths ago. I always knew he had abusive tendencies and therapists would tell me its an abusive relationship you need to leave but I just couldn’t for the fact that for the most part he was the best partner i had ever had and i doubted myself every time. 10yrs of enough incidences and proof that he is most definitely are narc but then for very long periods of time he is a caring, giving, self-sacrificing good husband and father. However I could see through the cracks and realize that everything comes back to him, all the great things he has done for me would get used against me later to state is case that i am wrong for wanting to leave because look at all he does for me, he wouldn’t do all that if he didn’t love me?! It has always made me feel unjustified in leaving because in general our life has been very nice and we seem to be best friends as well as husband and wife and lovers. The word here is ‘SEEMS’. I also know of the very dark side of him. The side that is just not right. Disturbing, troubling, confusing and frustrating. A couple of years ago my councelor declared to me that he does not love you. I couldn’t believe or comprehend this. Abusive-yes, possessive and controlling-yes, Master manipulator-yes, cruel at times-yes, a compulsive liar-maybe, but for me to think he never loved me after all we had been through was just unfathomable. Even for my mother who can’t stand him and can see through him, she still can’t quite comprehend that he didn’t really love me. 6mths ago was a realization of this that left me shell shocked and shattered. This is what i am still struggling with. Understanding that I am merely and object to him and that it is NOT LOVE is truly heartbreaking and almost impossible for me to believe. He feels so unjustified of me leaving even though he admits of abuse he is adamant that it is love. After 9yrs he still won’t let go and let me walk despite the pain he has caused me. We have a child which makes this so much harder and legally messy. Anyway i am sorry for the long post! Didn’t mean to make this about me and my situation! I just really felt what you wrote and i can definitely sympathize with how despite all evidence you doubt your reasons for leaving and also how he just will never get it. Congratulations on actually getting out!

        • gnmadel1@gmail.com'
          Maddy
          December 16, 2016

          Hi Megan
          I don’t know if you will still get this post because it is so old. I relate so much to what you wrote. I am just wondering what happened to you since. My personal email is gnmadel1@gmail.com

          I hope you receive this and hope to hear from you. Thank you

    • vanessabell3rd@aol.com'
      Vanessa
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,
      Consider yourself lucky that you did not marry this guy. I married one and am going through hell to get out of it. Focus on healing yourself and this will never happen to you again.
      I wish you the best.
      Vanessa

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        February 5, 2013

        Hey Vanessa,
        Wow! You are going through a tough time! Do you have a good lawyer? Are you kicking him out or are you leaving his place? when you leave, you might think about doing a few things to keep him out of your life. Take any and all pictures of you with you when you go. Take the legal papers of your marriage. You are the one initiating the divorce, so make sure you have all the documents in your possession so he won’t hide or destroy them. Make sure he does not know where you go. Basically, when you leave a narc, you have to treat it all as if you are getting rid of a stalker; they are often given to becoming stalkers! Make sure that if you get a landline phone you have the new number non-published AND unlisted. Forward your mail to one of those mail service places, and be very careful when you go to pick it up. A trick narcs and stalkers will often use is if they find out your new mailing address they will send an unusual package, such as a large box or mailing tube and wait outside to see who comes out carrying said item, then follow them. The narc may use a private investigator to do this, so you would not recognize the car or driver. When you are leaving a narc, you are cutting off his immediate source of NS, and until the narc gets another source, said narc will want to keep getting it from you. Try to not be alone when you get all your things out of the house when you leave. If he is leaving your place, you might still want to move to a different place, where he will not know where it is. Also, be careful about discussing your plans with mutual friends; some might rat on you to the narc; having fallen for his charms they might think they are doing you a favor by trying to “patch things up” between you and the narc.
        If you want more tips, email me at
        richtamms@yahoo.com
        Good luck!

      • jdsuk58@aol.com'
        Jennifer
        July 30, 2013

        Thank you Vanessa and to Melanie for the continued support and well wishes.

        My ex decided to sue me for an outrageous and fraudulent amount for the return of my engagement ring. Can anyone share an experience of going to trial with a narcissist? I have tried to resolve it 3 times but his lawyer is just like him! We have a trial planned for January 2014 and I pray for strength to deal with him and his lawyer. I”m hoping the truth will set me free and the court will show some understanding of his personality disorder and drop this suit. His need to win and with some means to continue paying for a lawyer makes me think he will not go away quietly.

        Comments, suggestions on how to have justice and truth prevail with a N in court?

        Thank you and blessings to my fellow friends who have walked this path before me.

        Jennifer

        • pat_rice_nea@yahoo.com'
          Pat
          July 30, 2013

          The best thing to do when dealing with an N in court is to let your lawyer do the talking–unless you are directly questioned by the judge–and ONLY the judge–Ns only answer to authority figures–you’re on the S-pile in his mind. Avoid eye contact with the N, and try to get your lawyer to get HIM on the stand to testify. Have your lawyer ask him only open-ended questions to which the N HAS to respond. Trust me, he will bury himself in court because they LOVE to talk–especially about themselves. They let fly some of the most ludicrous things in court. I had to cover my mouth and pinch myself to keep from laughing–I didn’t want a contempt of court charge. I defeated my N in court both during the divorce proceedings and then later battling for custody of our grandson. I said very little in court, just let my lawyer lead, and DID NOT look at the N–even when he maligned my character and told outright lies on the stand. Needless to say, everything the N attempted to take away from me, I have recovered and then some. Don’t be nervous or scared–you can do this.

          • info@oprah.com'
            Cali
            March 31, 2015

            Thank you Pat… any more tips about handling Narcs in court appreciated.

    • africa21@tpg.com.au'
      tanya
      February 17, 2013

      Hi Mel,

      I broke up with my N 5 months ago.
      I am really struggling to get over him. He wasn’t a really nasty N but one that cleverly & subtly managed to erode my self esteem & confidence over 4 years. Occasional full on narcissistic rage episodes when I put forward any opinions or persepectives that differed from his or unintentionally made mild “criticisms” of him. But often gorgeous and seemingly loving when I pleased him.
      I found out 2 weeks ago that he has ‘Moved on” while I am still struggling to fully let him go even though i know he would have destroyed me eventually. That he can happily move on so quickly hurts so much but from what you’ve said, makes sense.
      I feel that, from previous experience, he will probably be in touch again ,probably on my birthday at least, when it suits him,and especially if this new relationship doesn’t work out how he wants it to.
      My question is : Is it best to 1) Contact him & tell him that i want no more contact from him ever again and tell him that if he does I won’t be reading it or responding.
      2) Just ignore it if he does contact me again.
      If I do 2) I feel like I am forever waiting for his next text & so find it harder to move on.
      My inclination is to write “the final letter of closure of our relationship.”
      Thank you for your thoughts on this.
      Tanya.

      • llaqueene13@yahoo.com'
        Laura
        April 22, 2013

        I broke up with my N 2 months ago. And evertime i contact him for “closure” he either takes it as me wanting to be with him or he says vile and threatening things. Accuses me of “pkaying games” with him. All of this AFTER he swore he would do whatever it took to get me back and make things right!!! Note: I kept things going a little while after i left because i wanted to believe him and i felt so hurt and lost. In short, closure does not happen for them. They couldnt care less. You are either for them or against them. So dont put yourself through it.

        • ezsand007@hotmail.com'
          Edna
          April 8, 2014

          I’d never thought I’d be “that woman” but I was. I spent 5 years trying to accomodate a man that could not be satiated. He cheated on me countless amounts of times. He put me down and called me names I would not forgive anyone for, but I did him. I lived the idealize, devalue, discard phase too many times to count. I lost who I was, I became weak and co-dependent. I’m still struggling with self-doubt and trying to understand that it truly wasn’t me…it was him.

          • ranchgirlx8@aol.com'
            Janet
            July 6, 2015

            Wow Edna…you just described me. I feel so sad as I’m reading all of these posts, I can identify with many things in every one of them. How did I let this go on…& now after 6 years, what a huge mess/ fight he’s going to put me through.
            If anyone has advice or support I sure could use it.
            Janet

        • carlyn@ualberta.ca'
          Carlyn
          December 26, 2015

          I just went through the exact same decision process about no contact. what helped me was blocking my husband from my phone and email so I don’t have to wonder and wait. also, dating normal humans and planning my future free of twilight zone level madness made me actually start to hope he wouldn’t contact me, as I always found it impossible to deny him my love when he lays on the charm. The first few days were hard, like detox, and then I prayed for the silence and the chance to never have to deal with his BS. again. Now if and when he contacts me, that is when I will say don’t ever contact me again. I would suggest not contracting him to say it, as in my experience any contact fuels the hurt they cause and their own sense of aggrandizement. I hope the best for you! This is hard times but I promise, if j can let go of my husband and feel whole and new and happy again you can, because I was in DEEP. I thought I would die. I didn’t and it does get really easy after you decide to let go of the dream they create in you. hindsight is 20/20 🙂 good luck!

      • grollalion@yahoo.com'
        Laura G
        May 15, 2013

        Tanya,

        I don’t think there is ever closure with an N. I can’t tell you how many times I “tried one more time” with my N father and reached out and bared my soul to my N sister, only to be smacked down. I know it is harder with a lover, and I am going to try to follow my own advice when I finally get out (I am packing up as I write this) but I think it is better not to tell him that final letter. Write it for yourself and read it to your best friend or go out into nature and burn it–make your own closure. You’ll never get it from him–just another time he can hurt you.

        Laura

        • pat_rice_nea@yahoo.com'
          Pat
          July 30, 2013

          True that.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      May 15, 2013

      Melanie,

      This is your best one yet. I have been so confused by the extremely generous acts of my lover contrasted with his increasing withdrawal. I stumbled upon the “narcissist” relief community about six months ago and began to strange journey of understanding what kind of person I had moved in with. I am sure none of you will be surprised at how surreal and impossible to believe this journey has been. Piece by piece, actions and my own reactions have fallen into place. By far my biggest “aha” moment came last night while I was reading about the “Altruistic Narcissist.”

      I think you should do a blog called: “He Looks So Good and Feels So Bad.”

      I was especially validated by the part about the other women–surely a red flad when we started dating but I talked myself out of that just like I did all the others BECAUSE HE WAS SO AMAZING!!! My mother said he was too good to be true and she was right.

      I think part of the recovery for me is humbling my pride to accept that 1) I ignored the warning signs, 2) No one believes me in the little small town I moved to because he is so beloved, 3) I have gone from being the worshipped and adored to the tolerated and ignored, 4) I made such a huge life change for a true love that was anything but true! The hardest thing of all to accept is this: I WANTED THE FAIRY TALE and still do! That remains my battle…the incurable romance in my own heart. What do we do about the Cinderella myth, Melanie? It makes us ripe for Narcissists.

      I spent my first year in bliss–punctuated by the sudden gut-punch of other women (everytime we got close, he’d hurt me with what I have come to call “Secret Women.)–the second year in and out of counselling, and the third year online reading about narcissism. I truly believe you are right, Tonia, this is a spiritual illness with a spiritual cure. Thank you so much for this website.

      • ranchgirlx8@aol.com'
        Janet
        July 6, 2015

        Laura G,
        Great post!! I agree with your blog suggestion to Melanie. I really had No Idea that so many other women were living the same type of life as I was.
        I pray for the day 6 months from now when I’ll be finally free & on my road to recovery.
        Janet

    • kimfurd@hotmail.com'
      Kim
      May 17, 2013

      This article describes my ex husband to a tee!!! And now, two years away from him, I am learning what I suffered and why! AND I can recognise what happened to my life and truly start to heal!! THANK YOU!!!

    • jantcliff1969@gmail.com'
      Jane
      August 29, 2014

      Jennifer, I feel your pain… your story is very similar to mine. I was with my ex N on and off for 6 years. We have a 6 year old son together, and I have a 13 year old from a previous relationship. It has been the most horrific experience of my life. He has thrown me out of “his” home in N. Carolina 4 times (I grew up 12 hours away in Indiana), so I had no family or support system to lean on. I moved back and forth from NC to IN each time he tossed me out only to return so he could throw me out again. I never lasted over a years time each time I lived there. The emotional and financial toll it’s taken on me has been hard. He manipulated situations to make me look bad constantly. He too called the police on me 3 times indicating I was drinking, screaming in front of the kids, and hit him. He lies to set me up to gain control of me and build a case against me for custody reasons. My 6 year old told me that daddy asked him to lie to the police and say that he saw me hit daddy. My son told me, “Mom, but that’s not true. I didn’t see you do that.” Poor thing did what he was supposed to do so he wouldn’t get into trouble. He sold my car after 4 years together and bought me a new one, only to take it away when we argued and I wanted to leave. This last time he threw me out, he took the car keys, my house keys, my cell phone and my older sons cell phone and then called the cops as I left on foot. I wasn’t even arguing with him that day, but he told the officer I was drinking, and screaming and hit him. All lies. I asked the officer to give me a breath-a-lizer but he wouldn’t. It is sickening what these people can do to our lives and have no remorse. He told me his mother advised him to have me thrown in jail. I was dumbfounded. He was the one tormenting me and everyone believes I’m the unstable one. (At that point, I was after years of this craziness) Naturally he tells friends and his family that I am abusive and a bad mother when it suits him. I constantly lived in fear of what he may might be plotting when he seemed displeased with me. When I stood my ground and let him know I wasn’t going to take his crap, bad things would happen to me. Then he would be apologetic and loving towards me later. His criticism and hypocrisy was mind boggling and I started to believe I was the cause of his treatment towards me. Of course they have a way of projecting everything they are doing onto you, and I knew that, but didn’t know how to stop the chaos. He installed surveillance cameras in the house and told me he listened to everything I said about him while out of town on business. He even starting quoting things I wrote in my email to family when I would vent to them or needed advice. When I told him that was an invasion of my privacy, he said he has the right to know what is going on in “his” house and then of course I was punished because I bad mouthed him. I too have inner wounds from being cheated on years ago and not having great self esteem underneath it all. I was a stay at home mom and he used my fears and insecurities to run his agenda in the home. He told me I needed to be submissive and to learn to shut my mouth. What a wonderful life, huh? I have cried too many tears over this man, but after reading about narcissists and understanding now what was truly happening to me, I feel a little more relief. It doesn’t take the pain away completely, but I now realize I need to heal myself and take the focus off him. I believe he started interacting with someone new before this final breakup (which I never dreamed he’d do) so I see him with a different set of eyes now. He’s just a phony that showered me with gifts/love for his own personal needs and then devalued me when he got bored or I didn’t tow the line. Thankful I find this website and hoping to start my healing immediately. Good luck to you and all of us who have suffered at a narcissists hand. They are purely selfish and evil people!!!

      • ktbell72@yahoo.ca'
        Katie
        April 26, 2016

        My story is the same, video and audio recording me at my worst after days of either constant insults or completely ignoring me. Now he wants full custody of our 3 year old…..chilling. I’m terrified of him. Doubting my own faith, no confidence….just completely tapped.

    • helenmatthews1970@talktalk.net'
      helen
      October 29, 2015

      i dont no if he was a narcissist, I left him in Dec 2014 then went back to him, he then slept with someone and said it was because we had become distant, i think it was because he blamed me for leaving. He posted it on facebook he cheated with photos he said forme to see, he wanted friendship no relationship, but was seeing her all the time, i was either the back up plan in case it failed with her, or he wanted best of both, or was being a coward and couldnt end it for fear of “hurting me as he cared.” He has a track record of abusive, but i am upset because he says he is the victim and doesnt contact me, in fact its me who is the victim and he doesnt care, he should be begging forgiveness, I also think he will change as he says his new relationship is better, he shouldnt rub it in my face if its better, HELP PLEASE

  • tms@midco.net'
    Jeanine
    January 30, 2013

    I can relate to this so much. My ex N was living in my home for over a year and then just decided to leave one day. In the 10 years I knew him he had women on the side before, during and after our marriage. My N left October 1, 2012 saying he didn’t love me anymore and was moving back to his home state but 2 weeks prior said he truly loved me and wanted to take me on a 10 day trip! It took 7 weeks and he had remarried another woman! Unbelieveable but after he has left and all the thinking and healing I’m doing I can see all of the signs you talk about above! How sick and sad this man is. I have along way to go with my healing but the Quantum healings help me the most. I will move on to a real relationship but for now I need to heal my innerself. God Bless to all who are enduring this pain and abuse from the greatest con artists of all time…. the narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jeanine,

      It is very true that the Altruistic Narcissist simply cannot cope with being alone…and love or sex partners are simply and frenetically procured to try to stop his or her inner pain…

      Marriage within 7 weeks is a clear statement of this, especially after grandiose declarations to you – all of which is symptomatic of how little real substance or integrity this person represents…

      I am so glad you are working NARP, and truly by taking responsibility for your unhealed parts in this, you will align truly with real life and love by healing you.

      Sadly for your ex-partner this will not be possible, and no relationship is going to grant him happiness and fulfillment until he takes the journey of authentically creating that within himself.

      Bless you too Jeanine x

      Mel xo

  • trhnsn@gmail.com'
    Teri
    January 30, 2013

    Thanks Melanie, for another great article. I saw right through the altruistic behaviors. Gifts were given (in public most of the time) so that other people would “ohhh and ahhh”. I was so embarrassed. It got to the point where I just did not want a gift and told the N so. It took me about 12 years into 25 years to figure that one out. I am a slow learner. My N did not donate to anything, except to his fleet of cars, his private airplane, his 51 foot yacht, etc. I did not know his father well, when I married him, but if we went to visit the dad, and he saw a new piece of jewelry on myself, he would say “Another BONE, huh”. Took me a long time to realize that he was speaking of me, I was the DOG who was thrown the BONE, and I had better JUMP when told too. A very very sick dysfunctional family, all of them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Teri,

      You are very welcome!

      I am glad you resonated with the article, and it is great that you are clear and out, and you are no longer being programmed to serve a false self.

      You can now claim real life 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jnthlake@aol.com'
    Regina
    January 30, 2013

    Thank you…This describes my Ex perfectly. I was feeling pulled again just a tiny bit…emotionally..no way i was going to contact since i am in NO CONTACT…but just some feelings came up, whispers of feelings..remembering some times where i felt loved and how he portrayed himself as a giving, loving, protecting man to me during a very difficult time in my life but within minutes, sometimes days, maybe weeks…so unpredictable he would lash out verbally, or subtle threats that he needed someone who could really love him, or turn cold sexually…he had a bag of tricks to turn on me when i least expected it…when i was vulnerable…of course when i was strong and stood up…he would fawn all over me again, adore me, say he could live with out me…back and forth, back and forth…it was an insanity i have never experienced before and i’m doing everything in my power to never experience again…what a nightmare..it’s been 7 months since i moved out penniless too…and now my business is growing, i’m seeing a therapist, a life coach, eating a plant based diet (extremely important for energy), getting massages, and expanding & living…I’m joyful, abundant, and feel like doors are opening left and right…not so 7 months ago..I was overweight 60lbs, sick, broke, depressed, sucked dry…it took NO CONTACT to regain my healthy, my spirit, open my heart, and have money flow back in my direction…little by little as i let go of him…i let life come in…I can say that my ex who was a card carrying, epitome of narcissism has been my best teacher…he scared me to death and drove me crazy….but he drove me right into EXTREME CARE & SELF LOVE…I forgive and let him go in love …he was actually was a gift,,,I found myself and I love me now…and I will never leave myself again

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Regina,

      I am so glad that this article was timely for you and can really help you solidify your clarity and all the reasons why you deserve so much better.

      I totally agree, that this level of abuse is a wonderful gift that throws us into full healing and claiming of ourself.

      And when we ‘nail it’, an indescribable joy, connection and grace occurs as we align with Source, our soul and our entire being, by shedding the parts of our fears and ‘gaps’ that did not serve us.

      There is no place like ‘home’ and from that place absolutely everything in life is possible – not because we ‘need’ it, simply because in our True Self state we are at one with all that is.

      You are doing a wonderful job Regina, and I am so happy for you.

      Don’t ever consider going back to a Universe you have graduated from and left behind…it’s not real. And it certainly is not love.

      Mel xo

      • jnthlake@aol.com'
        Regina
        January 30, 2013

        Thank you Melanie for your beautiful message. I love the part that I graduated from that Universe and not to go back…it’s not real and it’s not love….SO TRUE…Thank you:) xoxoxox Regina

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 30, 2013

          Hi Regina,

          Blessings divine lady, and you are so welcome 🙂

          Tons of love!

          Mel xo

    • nolitamatuschka@hotmail.com'
      Lil
      May 24, 2015

      I’ve had a narc in my life for 5 years, sort of superficially tho I have been affected deeply. I’m realizing I attracted him to help me heal from a narc mother AND father. I haven’t done the work yet, but I recognize the direction I need to go & that is empowering. I am actually grateful he came into my life.

      One thing I find myself wondering about however is everyone’s ability to have no compassion for narcs or this strong belief they cannot heal & insistence on no contact. If this is a spiritual problem and we are all One, doesn’t it seem odd that everyone wants to run from them? Aren’t you all then running from yourselves as well?

  • wisbell@thelighthouse.co.nz'
    Rose
    January 30, 2013

    Thank you so much for all this information. It is a lifeline for me, and reorientates me when I slip back.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Rose,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased I can help you continue to walk forward and heal.

      Mel xo

  • corsale@msn.com'
    Shannon
    January 30, 2013

    Melanie, thank you again for shining such a bright light on the darkness. Your perspective here in this post has already been tremendously helpful in reconciling the persistent cognitive dissonance that I’ve experienced. Everything you’ve written here resonates deeply with me, and this feels like the missing piece that puts the puzzle together. Our blind spot is in thinking an N thinks as we do, and that the motivations behind their kind actions are truly well-intentioned, as it would likely never occur to a non-N that acts of generosity, kindness and affection would be prompted by a need to control and manipulate. I agree with all of this; the “altruistic Narcissist” is a very “real” illusion! I can clearly recall statements that the N made, ones that I chose not to pay attention to as the red flags they were, that affirm this insidious method of extracting supply in a most stealth manner. Thanks again for another spot-on insight about N behavior. I hope this post brings validation and clarity to all those who have struggled with reconciling the two wildly different personas this type of N projects.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Shannon,

      I am so pleased this article has provided you with the ‘missing link’ you required, and that was my full intention in writing this.

      With this type of narcissist cognitive dissonance is a real problem. You have articulated this perfectly that when we view the actions of a narc from a non narc perspective we ‘believe’ that the ‘loving’ words and actions actually had substance.

      When we stand back and look at the full picture we can get very clear that’s they didn’t. And we can fully accept that ‘spinning on a dime’ is clear evidence of how false that ‘reality’ was.

      Nothing real comes from external power, and nothing solid comes from the manufacturing within a False Self.

      Yes in reflection there are red flags that this narcissist gives off….they are subtle but they do exist. The need for approval, hankering for opportunities to ‘prove’ ‘show off’ and gain recognition.

      I’ve heard them all from people….

      People who genuinely accept themselves do not behave like this…they just feel secure and are happy to be at peace and real.

      Also mentions of how knowledge about women could be used to manipulate them, and ‘I could be a dangerous weapon with this information’…..truly the list goes on and on.

      Statements that non-narcs would never even consider thinking, simply because their inner world is not twisted into considering one-up manipulation!

      The truth is if we hear something that feels ‘really wrong’ it’s important to not dismiss it….and know that it feels wrong for a very good reason.

      I do hope this article gets circulated widely so that less people get taken and hooked….totally!

      Bless!

      Mel xo

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        February 5, 2013

        Hello Melanie and Shannon,
        Thank you all for writing with your insights!
        After reading your posts it occurred to me that many politicians behave like this sort of narc! Interesting!
        Makes you wonder about a lot of them-
        especially the part about how narcs
        do not view themselves as accountable for their actions!

  • livingright71@gmail.com'
    Kimi
    January 30, 2013

    Its like everything you say, hits so hard…especially the part about everything going so well then WHAM they do something so hurtful, so inappropriate, so wrong, so damaging, and you never saw it coming, then they use something from two years ago that you were sure had been resolved. Crazy…i nearly lost my mind…nothing made sense. Everything makes sense now! God Bless you and thank you for helping me…saving me.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 30, 2013

    Hi Kimi,

    Darling I am so pleased this has helped you…

    Now you can understand WHY this was happening. Now you know you are not going crazy…

    You were simply in a relationship with a highly disordered individual.

    Now you can heal, move forward and be so grateful that you will never have to endure that behaviour again.

    Hun you are so welcome, and I am so happy you have found some much needed peace with this.

    Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 5, 2013

      Hello Melanie and Mimi,
      Wow- thank you all! Especially the part about the narc using something from 2 years ago that you thought had been resolved to hurt you.
      Well, having left a relationship with a narc that I had let go on for almost 20 years, I can tell you this: what your comment brought up was the fact that I realized I was starting to behave like a narc myself in my interactions with the narc! Wow! I would do the same thing to him in bringing up stuff from way back in order to blindside him and use it as a justification for my acting out my unhappiness and displeasure with him. I got very passive-agressive towards him because he refused to listen to me whenever I wanted to really discuss things about our relationship and communication.
      Fortunately, I did not do this with other people. I left and started my healing journey instead.
      Rest assured: you are not crazy; you never were. You were just trying to cope as best as you could with the situation. One thing to bear in mind: you are not here to fix him or anyone else. You are here to be You, and be Happy!
      Cheers,
      Kay

      • grollalion@yahoo.com'
        Laura G
        May 15, 2013

        Kay,

        Your comment helped so much. I watched my mom take on narcissistic behaviors while married to my N father and yet, she was such a sweetie. She had 8 children and did the best she could but she was so needy after all those years with him that I thought SHE was a narcissist. YOur comment helped me to understand a key narcissistic dynamic: we begin to use their techniques. Out of pain and desperation, but we do.

        I chose a man like my father to finally heal from the Narcissistic abuse of my childhood. I never understood. And we have a very wonderful big family who is very loving and spiritual thanks to my mom and very damaged and addictive thanks to my dad. Two of my sisters are probably N’s, too, and I understand them as well. So, your comment really helped me way back to the roots of my childhood. Thanks for your honesty, Kay.

  • luminaria_noel@hotmail.com'
    Thaliesin
    January 30, 2013

    The man I loved and gave to told me he loves me and that he knows I still love him. (He is living with the woman he met shortly after moving clear across the country and in with me—I kicked him out after 14 months, that was 7.5 mos ago. We had no contact for 5 mos, and tumultuous contact the last 2 mos.) He says he loves me, then doesn’t call or notice my bday, Xmas, NewYear. I told him to write me a love letter everyday. (He said he is waiting until the “playing field is level” before coming for the woman he loves. Meantime, he lives with her, but they’re just “friends”. Anyway, letters never came. He said where was his. So I sent him one. Still none for me. So, I called him tonite. He was at home, with her. I said I didn’t want to pressure him, bcuz we are way past that, but where was my letter. I could hear the excuses. I mean hear them for what they were, excuses, and I recognized them as such. I’m not going to get a letter, and he’s done with me…for now. Until he needs his fix. Then I will hear from him again. This article was so timely. I came home, and here it was. It’s never going to change. He is never going to change. Why do I keep holding on, holding out hope? He would yell at me that I was sick, f#cked up in the head, toxic and more. I don’t want to believe his vile words, but I feel like he infected me with his toxicity. And the smear campaigns? I don’t even want to know…but in my heart, I do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Thaliesin,

      Truly there is the necessity to do the deep inner healing on yourself.

      We only remain hooked, broken and not in our own power when we still have inner belief systems which are a match for abuse.

      The transformation of those is not a ‘logical job’, it takes deep humility, focused commitment and a deep desire to confront, find and heal these inner parts.

      This is what you need to do, not only to recover yourself from this relationship, but also so that you can effectively and authentically partner yourself in order to create a future healthy relationship.

      Mel xo

      • Liz.wales@hotmail.com'
        Liz Cross
        February 17, 2013

        Dear Thaliesin,

        I can truly sar the NUMBER ONE thing I realise now that I know I have been dealing with a narc is that he ( and indeed no narc) is NEVER going to change. I have been blind to what was really going on just like everyone else but the part of me that has changed with all this information is that – IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

        I am not an idiot. I didn’t lie. I really did love him. The problem was HE ISN’T REAL. The narc is so busy lying to you, to himself & anyone else he needs to believe him & help him maintain the false self that he is. No contact is the only solution, though I do wish that I could warn other people -particularly other women. The problem is he already has them believing that they are ‘different from the others – they are the one’.

        What I realise now is that when my narc came into my life I was vulnerable and while I wasn’t ignoring the pain in my life the narc was able to get in while my guard was down. What I am doing now is learning from this experience and ensuring that my whole self -which is true, loving, honest and desireable – be totally healed to love & be loved by others.

        The one thing I am curious about is whether or not the narc can ever be told what he/she really is & actually change? Is it possible? I am asking this but have no intension of making contact to do so -least of all in person.

        Thank you Melenie for all your insight and help.

        Liz 🙂 x

  • liam2037@gmail.com'
    Tina Fonck
    January 30, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Here is my dilemma- I believe that most, if not all, of my exes fall into the “narc” category. Recently, I met a man who is not like any of the others. He moves slowly allowing time for love to grow; is content to live his own life while I pursue my goals,and,yet, is quite attentive when we are together. These and many other of his great qualities are foreign to me.
    The dilemma posed is this- How do I know that I am not just falling into my old habits and refusing to see until its too late that my current flame may turn on me just like so many other lovers have done in the past? Am I so afraid of being hurt that I would turn away true love?
    I know from your story that you have found true love and know the difference so I would appreciate any words of wisdom that you might send my way.
    Thank you for all of the amazing articles that you have shared with us.
    Regards,
    Tina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Tina,

      This is wonderful that this man seems different – different is very good.

      It is also a wonderful sign that he is not seeking a quick enmeshment with you, VERY good sign, that he is allowing the relationship to take some time – narcs don’t tend to do this. Instant gratification is the name of the game, rather than getting to know someone at a mature pace.

      Ok the truth of the matter is you need to be totally prepared that if you DID experience pathological lies, maliscious acts or any of the narcissistic behaviour outlined here that you would be very clear you would leave.

      Every person who has been abused needs to be very clear about their limits, their self love and what they will or won’t tolerate.

      I am sure I speak for virtually every member of this community in that – our narcissistic relationships would have lasted days, weeks or a few months rather than years if we had applied these essential boundaries.

      Where I am at personally is single – due to my own journey and boundaries – at present – and the wonderful thing is that I have been able to greater define my reality as a love partner – and I feel blessed right now to be in this exciting place in my life – knowing and believing more than ever in my alignment with myself and real love!

      Keep your heart open, release the fear, believe in real healthy love, and know that so far all seems good for you..and be prepared to first and foremost honour yourself and your truth…

      You intimately know what ‘narc’ looks like when the behaviour erupts – and you also know it is a dead end in relation to love, safety and happiness.

      You need to know..if this happened you would no longer try to endure it or fix it.

      Trust the processes of life, they are all leading you towards authentic love.

      Hugs!

      Mel xo

      • lelainedohn@yahoo.com'
        Suzie
        December 20, 2013

        My N left me on a dime after 35 years. Struggling thru the infidelities after his 30 year pot and alcohol addiction seemed to make it more difficult to hid his infidelities which seemed to explode after his sobriety during our last 5 years together. He professed he had never loved me more in his life than in our last year together…My FEAR is…..as we heal…and set boundaries in a new relationship (2 years out from his desertion and 1 year from our divorce)…I’m scared to death I won’t see the signs….My fear is I might make the “boundaries” so rigid for fear of being hurt that I won’t accept normal imperfections for fear they are abuse….and then I think…maybe he wasn’t narcissistic..maybe that’s just all our excuses to validate that our marriage dissolved because I wasn’t a good enough wife…too nagging and unforgiving and tolerant?…even the flirting and cheating were my fault because I didn’t meet his needs and he was looking for connection with someone and couldn’t get it from me….that I didn’t do enough…but everyone loves him except his family and mine….He’s the life of the party….jumped from drug addict friends to the happy joyous and free group….He just had a lousy wife that made him constantly want to divorce her…maybe it was his mother’s 12 marriages before he was 17 that did the trick…or his cheating alcoholic father that never saw him after he was 2………..ALWAYS QUESTIONING MY BELIEFS>>>I no longer trust my intuition

    • foxyfox.gb@gmail.com'
      bluehorsemom
      March 31, 2015

      I am just finding this disorder and reading all they postings.

      I have been searching for the issue my husband of 31 years and I have. I now see clearly it is that he is a N. He was different when we started dating. Moved EXTREMELY slow in our relationship, not interested in touching or sex, wasn’t rushing things. everything that was opposite of any other relationship. I was fooled into thinking he was the one. He told me he had “plans for me”. Never spoke about our future though. We went to Europe for 3 weeks, gave me an engagement ring (fake diamond though) and the fairytale began. Looking back I see how phony it all is and how I was used.

      When I speak up it always comes back to money issues. EVERYTHING gets that excuse. From home repairs to intimacy!

  • Megan@megsy.com.au'
    Samantha
    January 30, 2013

    Wow! I’ve subscribed to your newsletters and blog for over a year, haven’t made the break permanently so far, made plenty of breaks, but I haven’t maintained no contact long enough to get my freedom…I stay strong for a few days/weeks and end up buying back into the fantasy. So, once the drama has faded, the promises are made, I buy in again…yet the signs are still there. After 3 calm “ish” months, (mostly because I’ve not challenged or gone looking for evidence of lies), I bring up the counselling he promised, so we can “move forward” as he apparently so desperately wishes…then he pushes back and I get the silent treatment 🙁 I will get there. Thank you! This is by far the most powerful and relevant post I’ve read.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Samantha,

      This truly is about listening to your gut…and if you have received these pathological narcissistic behaviors in the past, then you know you can’t trust.

      Not being able to ‘question’ and be real about what you feel and receive real validation is not a healthy functioning relationship. You are walking on broken glass, and having to deny your inner truth in doing so.

      Trust yourself, and honour you.

      I am glad this article has helped provide you with clarity.

      Mel xo

    • deanna_lyn@excite.com'
      DeDe
      February 24, 2013

      Samantha, I have the same issue you do. I understand cognitively what I need to do. I can maintain no contact on my part (with daily work) but when he contacts me, I go back. Even after calling out all of the bad behaviors, telling him what I need/want. He only agrees to my requests, telling me how I’m the “only one for him” and how “in love” he is with me. I so badly want to believe the words he says, so I accept him back and WHAM! He does something incomprehensible! Or will disappear for a week(s). How is that love? It hurts, but each incident I feel stronger and not as broken. This last time I didn’t even cry – I expect him to do something hurtful and look at it with curiosity. I sometimes question if he’s a narcissist but when I read about it, I’m reminded that he is. It’s very painful and confusing. I feel grateful for this experience because it is forcing ME to look at MY ISSUES at a very deep level. However, 17 months later, I am still not ready to “let go” forever. Big hugs to you and everyone else whose had/having this experience!!!

  • sam@workingclassman.net.au'
    sam rodan
    January 30, 2013

    thank god finding out about this disease i have been involved with 2 years of madness .have had no contact for 2 months and wondering when she was going to contact me very worried didn’t know what i was going to do .now that i have read your articals as well as everything else i could i now understand who i am and how i got conned,thank you thank u and thank u i can now start to heal myself best wishes sam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Sam,

      You are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are coming out of the fog and getting clear about the truth.

      Real love does not have these twists and turns and confusion, it has normal issues that can be worked with and are not mind-bending.

      You do deserve better!

      Mel xo

  • jennyelmy@yahoo.com'
    jennifer delao
    January 30, 2013

    I am so glad this radio show topic and article came out right when I needed it. the co-depdendent traits in me have been fixated on figuring out his pain and where it came from because his mother is wonderful, but he use to tell me how he always knew his sister was his dad’s favorite and he was his mom’s favorite. What I try to grasp with these relationships that were emotionally unavailable causing the false self to arise, why didn’t I become narcissistic instead of codependent and constantly wanting to show someone how much. I could love and could be loved since my parents weren’t availa that way at all. I’ve recognized, after my shock of realizing this false sense of reality that I was trapped in, that my need to be loved and to show it and to help more than I should started from childhood and that my N situation was the cherry on the cake that pushed me enough to face that, hence “the gift” has been accepted…so where does it come.into play as children if we form a false self with no feelings or care or become sensitive souls of codepdendency? We were just helpless children. it’s hard not to feel pity for the N. I strive so hard to.make.sure my.children know they are loved but are met with boundaries to teach them accountability and responsibility. I struggle so.much with wondering why my mom never cared or thought “what is this doing to.my children? How.will they grow up and live life?” I never want them to experience what I’ve lived through. I’ve divorced their abusive non N father, then found myself in this year and a half relationship with the N. I’ve done my.best to shield them from his acts, but my oldest witnessed alot with me and her father and is now 6, the younges is 2…and I hope.I’ve figured things out in time to still mold their innocent minds into knowing what’s acceptable and what’s not and what’s real and what’s not. it is said children are resilient, yet narcissism develops during a crucial development period. that’s so sad. I do think…alot…and I am feeling empowered to keep healing myself but the inner workings of these situations and manifestations has me very interested.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      Truly the workings of the Universe, no matter how brutal they may seem, are in perfect and divine order.

      I truly believe (and Gary Zucav also endorses this) that any particular person ‘chooses’ the parents that match that individuals level of previously established evolution in past lives. It is a perfect match for their personality level.

      We are all here to heal, evolve and release karmic patterns that our soul is urging us to heal.

      The real questions are: Are we going to recognize this? Are we going to commit to this? Narcissists refuse to, as the level of defense mechanisms they have are firmly entrenched in seeking external power rather than taking responsibility to heal inner dysfunctions.

      Non-narcs can make the choice and take the internal journey to heal and release karmic patterns of fear and pain.

      You are responsible for the evolution of your soul first and foremost, and as I explain to parents, you need to lead the way with your children.

      When you heal and evolve, their energy and their future generation will follow you…you will change the pattern…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • alexarosabala@yahoo.com'
    Alexandra
    January 30, 2013

    Dear Melanie, oh yes I have experienced this! And this personality is what makes it so hard to describe this person as a Narcisist, he seems so giving, haha. Its just a way of controling and yes I found in my self a need for afirmation that I was a good person, this looking for validation from outside me was what he used to hook me. I was in a very vulnerable moment in my life, and he just came in! But luckly I saw his true nature very early in how giving love, affection and time came with a very very high price!!! One minute he was loving and giving me gifts or supporting me and as if by magic I was then a monster who didnt love, appreciate and gave him love and security! See the mirror thing here! I looked for approval as well as he did from the outside, and he used this very skillfully I let him treat me badly and I felt like the worst person because he was so ” good and goving” and I was incapable of loving him the way he needed ( translation: the way he wanted to be loved, praised, etc) The hardest part was truly this! I felt horrible and only thanks to No Contact I then realiced my need
    to be approved by others in order to be happy and the thought of him, even though I knew how bad he was, thinking badly about me or thinking I was a bad person, maked me want to prove to him that I was good, I needed for me to hear him say I was good, ahhhhh perfect for him he got was he wanted my atention. The answer has always been inside me, always. Now Im working on realizing that I am good in fact I am amazing and he was lucky to have me, so next time If I see myself trying to prove that I am worthy, that is my big warning sign.
    Thanks again Melanie for your work!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Alexandra,

      Yes absolutely this version of narcissist is stealthy and much harder to identify – until of course the mask slips and the monstrous personality emerges – and then people who are susceptible to tolerating inexcusable behaviour make excuses…(cognitive resonance).

      You have hit the nail on the head – our gap within to need outside love and approval rather than being a source of that to ourself..

      It’s not at all ironic that this is a perfect match for the narc’s inner emptiness.

      Yes the entitlement of the narc’s false self is nothing like unconditional love or emotional honesty. It is set to demean, discredit and punish what it feels it isn’t receiving rather than bring any matters to the table with true intimacy, vulnerability or healthy emotional communication.

      The expectations can’t be mind read, and pay back erupts when they are not met.

      Your level of deeper truth and awareness is wonderful, and this is fantastic that you have claimed the gift of what he presented to you.

      You now are on the liberating track of becoming an authentic power source of love and approval to yourself, which means of course ‘water seeks its own level’ and you can look forward to a relationship with a man who is also a true authentic source to himself.

      Great work!

      Mel xo

  • paula.s.woods@gmail.com'
    Paula Woods
    January 30, 2013

    I was married for 31 years to a narc when out of the blue one day, he said he wanted a divorce. We continued to live together for awhile until he brought his girlfriend over
    while I was away on a business trip. I did a smart thing and got a very good attorney and started counseling. My therapist kept talking to me about his “grandiosity”, which I just couldn’t see for the longest time because he was so generous, seemingly empathetic, he didn’t fly into rages and so on. It’s taken me a couple of years to really absorb that he was always this way and recognize the red flags that existed throughout the relationship. Incidents that seemed like normal marital disagreements, but of course, were always about how I wasn’t doing, behaving, or saying the proper things. And taken all together, were not normal marital spats but his projecting on to me his feelings. It was when, during the one counseling session he finally went to while going through the divorce, he brought up my awful behavior at our daughter’s wedding that I was done. Her wedding had been a perfect day for me. He said I was upset because the groom’s parents were late and was just awful. The therapist tried to get him to be specific about how I was awful and he couldn’t describe anything, because I wasn’t awful and I never even had the thought about being upset with the groom’s parents. In retrospectively looking at our marraige, this was always what he would do to me. Accuse me of thinking things I had never thought of and then telling me how badly I behaved. I was always so confused by this but it didn’t happen often enough so I overlooked it. Oh, and bringing up past mistakes of mine always happened in any argument. I used to ask him how he could even live with me if he truly thought I was doing what he was accusing me of doing. Anyway, the minute I moved out the girlfriend and her children moved in to the house that we built on a lake property that I found, and where our daughter got married. They told everyone where they worked about their “romantic” relationship. He continued to see me until that therapy appointment where I had finally had enough. They are now married. What is most difficult for me is our grown children seeing him like he was a great dad when he was never there for them growing up. Only my therapist friends recognize his narcissism, everyone else sees him as this incredibly giving person. He even donated a kidney to a complete stranger that he didn’t want to tell anyone, but somehow everyone knew. And the list goes on….. This has been a great blog to read. I found it after I had finally figured out the narcissism but it’s been a support. Sorry this is so long, there are very few people to discuss this with.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Paula,

      I always deeply feel for women who have been in these relationships for an extended period of time.

      It is wonderful, though that you can now align with real life.

      It is so true that we can be conditioned into believing certain behaviour is normal. I can tell by your post that much of your life you have ‘gone along’, more than likely been focused on your roles as mother and wife and probably became quite desensitized to his behaviour and did not rock the boat often.

      This is why your relationship lasted as long as it did.

      What you described – the insanity of accusations that you never did – is a normal mind-bend that is a classic sign of a narcissistic relationship.

      The disordered mind of the narcissist is brain-wired into projection. What this means is that the narcissist’s unhealed parts (under the mask) are forever tormenting the narcissist.

      These parts feel painful, powerless and intensely shameful to the narcissist (the complete opposite of what he is trying to uphold through the False Self), and must be assigned to someone outside of him, rather than he accept them, take responsibility for them and heal them.

      What this means is you will be accused of what he thinks and what he does. The really incredulous thing about this is that the narcissist as a result of his disordered brain pathways actually BELIEVES you did this!

      Once his brain has flicked to projection mode, he will be firmly convinced you are the culprit.

      This self-denial is pathological and incredibly real to the narcissist.

      In effect every intimate partner of a narcissist becomes the dumping receptacle of his shameful, tormented disowned parts.

      The people on the outside who think he is a great guy, are the ones who he can maintain the ego feed from in order to prop up his mask, and keep gaining the approval to fend off the terror or his mask slipping and the imperfections being exposed.

      It’s really important you release the pain of your children’s relationship with him, heal and blossom into the truly beautiful woman and mother that you are….and then everything in life – including your children will follow.

      Blessings, healing and love.

      Mel xo

    • dmenke@charter.net'
      Denise
      March 30, 2013

      Unbelievable! I, too, am in the process of ending a 30 year marriage and just now beginning to see my husband for what he really is, has been, and will be – a narcissist. I even live on a lake (that I found) and am now giving up. I am blessed with a great therapist and people who love me. It’s hard to realize what I have gotten myself into without realizing – all because I needed love and validation. And all along I had it within myself. The crazy making behavior will can truly send a person over the edge. I have been looking at our years together in a totally different light since seeing him for what he really is. Does it hurt? You bet! But life is waiting for me and I intend to go out and experience it with all my being!

    • rrpebbles@gmail.com'
      Louise Joost
      July 16, 2016

      Me me! I’ve been in it for 35 years and I know he has a partner and has been funneling money from my inheritance. He’s stolen everything I have but my integrity and my faith.

      God bless you on this journey!

  • karen.lee37@hotmail.com'
    Karen
    January 30, 2013

    Oh wow ~ the Universe is definitely conspiring to help me just now; after completing the NARP program, I am doing incredibly well, I have to say, but I am still living in the house I shared with the narc although I am in the process of getting somewhere else to rent and, I have, after all been through severe narcissistic abuse for almost 7 years which only ended at the end of October so, without dwelling on the negative aspects of it, I still have to be real and not deny that I have experienced terrific trauma by the type of narcissist you describe so perfectly in this blog!!! I have just purchased the empowered self ecourse but haven’t got started yet, I’m just reading the intro but the thing is, I was thinking of writing to you to ask you ‘how can they appear so loving and kind and thoughtful at times and then be so incredibly heartless and cruel???’ Even though there is no doubt that my ex is a narc, I was still starting to doubt it due to thinking what I have just said, so I was just going to email you, just to get a bit of support around this as nobody I know can even begin to understand what I’ve been through and how well I am doing, if I mentioned him they might think I’m about to get back with him again or something, anyway, I didn’t have to email because this blog is a direct answer to my question. Thank you so much Melanie, you have totally nailed it again, spot on, a 100% clear accurate description of my ex and my doubts have been washed away once again, I know he’s a narcissist and all that and even after reading all I have about them, it can still be confusing at times. Thank you so much Mel and love to all on here, if you haven’t started the NARP program yet, I can’t recommend it highly enough, its life saving, end of!

    much love xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      It is always so divinely awesome when we are dedicated to our ‘inner’ that everything we need, exactly at that moment to create even greater relief and clarity turns up!

      Just further confirmation and faith in authentic creation.

      How fantastic that you have been able to clear up your cognitive dissonance in regard to your ex,,,I am so glad this article brought you the concrete answers.

      Keep healing and committing to you Karen you are doing an amazing job!

      Mel xo

  • sujonez@hotmail.com'
    carolyn
    January 30, 2013

    I had not heard of the expression `altruistic narcissist´ before, but it describes my ex narc perfectly. Your insights into this behaviour have helped me enormously. The emotional toll of living with a person who says he loves you then acts as if he hates you is very debilitating and I ended up an emotional wreck, becoming the very person he was always telling me I was- mad, sad and bad. Everything was my fault because I just wasn´t good enough for him. He actually stated one day that he was perfect!

    I have been in No Contact for over 6 months now. This has saved my sanity and given me the much needed time to get some perspective on what was a truly mind bending experience. I had no idea that I was living with a personality disordered individual, but I see it clearly now and it all suddenly makes complete sense.

    I am working with the NARP programme which is helping me to identify and heal the broken parts within myself that led me not only to attract a person like this into my life, but also to stay with him for 12 years! Accepting and making excuses for the abuse he dished out along with the `love´ he so professed for me.

    The clarity this has brought me is astonishing. I have finally come to understand that this really was not love- in any shape or form. By doing the inner work that Melanie advocates, I see my inner unhealed parts so clearly now and thanks to her support and advice I have the courage to face them and heal them.

    I have emerged from a fog of total confusion into a deeper understanding of the dynamics of my dysfunctional relationship with this person and of my own responsibility for this. I have been able to let go and forgive, realizing that I can never `fix´ him
    I can only only heal myself.

    In a sense, this awful experience has been necessary in order to do that. I have emerged stronger, wiser and hopefully a better, less needy person than I used to be.

    I also want to say that I am shocked by the prevalence of this disorder and by the sheer numbers of people who are living with this nightmare. I have total admiration for Melanie´s dedication to bringing this into public awareness and to helping those who suffer this abuse to recover.

    Because we do!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Carolyn,

      yes is astounding how many people can relate to the Altruistic Narcissist, and how many of them exist.

      I am so glad this article has helped you get very clear.

      It is so wonderful when the clarity can be coupled with the inner shifts – and then there truly is no heatbreak. It’s like looking back at a mirage and knowing there is nothing to miss, and nothing that was lost.

      What it was about is the incredible direction and wake-up call to heal our inner parts that played out with this person in our life, so that we could break free and open up into true connection with life and ourself.

      Yes, my love this experience was pertinent, powerful and so meant to be…

      And that is the incredible soul gift.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    January 30, 2013

    Hi Mel, I am happy you had a wonderful holiday and was so happy to see you enjoying life from your photos, it looked magical and just what you needed. Welcome back!

    I am glad to receive this article as it has been playing on my mind, still, even after 1 year & 2 months of not seeing or talking to my ex partner. I have had some contact in a reply to a Christmas e-card to say thank you but that was all. He said lovely things in the card, stuff I have heard before, the same lines that he wants me to be happy, how I am etched into his heart and he will always love me. What I do know about this now, even more so after reading the article is, a lot of his kind words are hooks, to keep me in his life. He was very good with words in emails and often they would resemble movie scripts or lyrics from songs. He was the master manipulator and knew how to get inside my heart. I fell for it often, and at Christmas, as you said it is a very difficult time to do no contact, I felt it impossible at the time not to drop him a thank you note. Had a good cry and nearly, but didn’t, phone him in tears.

    Once on my birthday he seemed so generous, as he always was with gifts and the amazing, incredible love he showed at first while I was opening my gifts. At the time I was a bit nervous of the whole day and I was really unsure what to expect. I started reading my card and he was sitting next to me closely on the couch. All of a sudden his face changed and he started questioning me about the fish tank and why did I overfeed the fish??? (previously we had an argument about our fish that they were dying because I over fed them) which was not true…long story. Anyway after I was trusting enough to sit and open my card, while reading the beautiful words inside he launched an attack. I was then deflated, terrified, frozen on the spot, shaking, feeling anxious, my heart racing as it always did. He could see my tears, but kept going with the attacks, until I explained myself trying to convince him I didn’t overfeed the fish. The presents were opened, but it felt cold and icy in the room and I wanted to run away. At the flick of a switch he was back to loving, caring, amazingly romantic, and even made me a cake with sparklers. So my breakdown during the opening of gifts had no effect on him whatsoever only seemed to empower him even more. It was very odd. In the car on the way to mums the day before, he abused me horrifically over I have no idea what??!
    That is the nature of the disorder, you are all the things mentioned in this article, loved, adored, worshiped, words being spoken to you like you have never heard anyone say before and then boom! more abuse, even from a look on my face that he thought to be aimed at him. I was fearful of every moment alone with him away from the house. I dreaded being next to him in his car as a lot of abuse happened while we were driving along. As I had no where to go, or no escape, I had to sit and cop it. He knew this and so after a while I refused to go anywhere with him. A walk holding hands turned out to be him offloading steam all of a sudden if I said something he thought was once again an attack on him. It was so horrific I could barely breath.

    So listen to your instincts ladies, as if your times with this man seem like something out of a romance novel or a good movie, they are usually just as you see, a fantasy, pretend, an illusion and real life is not like that, and if it is, it is real. You will know what is real or not, once you start listening to our inner voice. I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful this man was, until I learn the truth over 4 years, but it only took 6 months to know something was wrong. I stayed because I was so co-dependent and loved being loved, what I thought was my first true love.

    Thank you Mel darling, this cleared up my unanswered questions to whether he was truly NPD or not, and whether NPD or just abusive, we all deserve better. Love Jac xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      thank you darling lady, and yes my holiday was magical in so many ways, and totally the foundation for me this year!

      Jac it is so usual for this type of narcissist to be the epitome of romance, incredible ‘poetic’ texts, messages of undying love, cards written that take up most of the card, and incredible and ‘thoughtful’ acts of service…

      Did we ever feel that a lot of it was over the top? I think that answer is a resounding “Yes”.

      Did we ever receive those words either written or spoken and they did not feel real or ‘right’…Was our internal intuition often in resistance to these events?

      What was that telling us?

      Maybe if it was ‘real’ – it would have felt ‘real’.

      That is so true Jac, this type of love from this type of narcissist is an illusion, a movie, a fantasy. Real life and real mature love just does not travel like that or look like that…

      The truth is the mask is an illusion, it is a cover up, it is not the narcissist’s True Self.

      Whilst the narc is operating from the False Self (the nice stuff) he is split – he is constructing a veneer that he is not authentically connected to.

      The True Self is shrivelled up and disowned in junk – and it is only a True Self that can feel, know and retain and deliver anything as durable and real.

      The False Self operation is simply moment to moment avoidance of the pain of the narc’s True Self, the part of the narc which cannot receive any durable good feelings or peace – because it is disowned.

      Sweetie our part with the narc was we were simply a prop for him to attempt to avoid his inner pain – we have to be brutally honest with ourself and admit the same thing.

      We thought he was going to be the saviour in our life to help us heal and feel whole albeit usually unconsciously.

      This was a relationship that was not based on love – it was based on two people trying to gain external power.

      Knowing it was not love, and it was illusion brings us home to creating authentic love, firstly within ourself… and then when being that source of fullness to ourself, never again will any love connection be for any other reason other than to share real love authentically and abundantly – with a healthy ‘other’ who also has the resources to do so.

      That is what a real love partnership is…

      We truly have to thank the narc for making all of this so very clear to us – it truly is from the highest and most pure perspective divine.

      Hun, you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    January 30, 2013

    My heart was a bit racy writing this post, which means to me, I have much more work to do with NARP. Memory flashes still occur and I know it is because I still haven’t let go of the fantasy yet, even though I have come a long way and don’t feel the same pain, there is still a part of me that hoped he could get better and he cared enough about himself to want to heal. I now know it is not going to happen as he as had his time and no action is behind any of his words. Christmas e-cards etc are false and this article has given me a good kick up the bum. One of the hardest parts about detaching from Narcissists is knowing they are capable of such wonderful things, and they do have incredibly loving ways about them, but it is the knowing and accepting it is not what it seems, that I have found to be the most difficult part to recovery. Love to all. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Darl,

      you will get there truly.

      This information will help, and you truly do have the powerful inner tools to find the pain, trace it back to its origin and clear…

      And if I know you, you will do so very quickly and effectively.

      Your breakthrough is so very close…

      Hugs and love

      Mel xo

  • hannad83@live.co.uk'
    Hanna
    January 30, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    I am subscribed to your email updates and have been reading them now for some time but this article just completely opened my eyes.
    I am currently in a relationship with someone who constantly needs to profess his grandiosity either of his professional skills or just who he is and anything he does. When I cook most days it doesn’t get noticed, when he does it once a month – it’s suddenly special. He’s in constant need of attention and wants me to spend all my time with him. It felt normal in the beginning when you kind of want to spend most of your time with the person you love but it got to the point when I am getting so confused about what’s going on and feel like I don’t have my own life anymore as the relantionship absorbs all your time and doesn’t let you “breathe”. But it’s the fact that he constantly speaks to his ex who cheated on him and who asks for his help and advice that I couldn’t understand the most. If I ask anything about it I get a reaction as if I’m not allowed to ask as it’s his private life. If I say anything he’ll say something to make me feel guilty for asking etc. And I know for sure that he’ll say things to that girl to make her feel nice at my expense. I know that he complains to her about me just to get sympathy. He definitely doesn’t make me feel like the priority in his life because the biggest priority is himself. I’m going to be 30 this year and I think it’s going to be a year of changes as I definitely don’t want to end up having kids with someone like this and waste my life. Carpe diem

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Hanna,

      my goodness, your post is cram packed with warning signs – which I know you would have realised after reading this article.

      Interesting how ‘his ex cheated on him’ with all the other things you have described about his behaviour…and even if his friends back up that story I’d still be extremely suspect as narcs are experts at making people believe smear campaigns…

      Sweetie truly – run! Everything is screaming narc here…and if you don’t you will go through the utter horror or things piece by piece deteriorating, with it being harder and harder for you to get out, or exploding in a way that will leave you reeling with the level of abuse and shock you will inevitably experience.

      I am sure everyone involved with this post who has lived through this would tell you the same thing.

      Don’t waste your life – and do not risk your soul…you are staring down the barrel at significant abuse waiting to happen, and please do not consider bringing a child into this world with him.

      Hanna, break away, do the work on yourself and clean up this pattern / attraction within you – and then you will be in a position to create a healthy relationship and have children with a gorgeous man – which is not this man…

      To stay is waste time, experience devestation and delay what you need to do…

      Mel xo

    • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
      Madonna
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Hanna. I can absolutely identify with you! Its like I wrote your post!! Even the cooking part. Sooo ridiculous. And the ex who cheated on him. Careful with that one. Brace yourself and check his phone. (If its not password protected). And your right with not having kids to him. Absolutely protect yourself.

      • richtamms@yahoo.com'
        Kay
        February 5, 2013

        Hanna,
        RUN! Run away from him as if your life depends on it – because it does! GET AWAY from him- the sooner the better! Do you think it is a wise thing to stick your finger into a light socket on the wall? Of course not- but that is what you are doing by staying with him! Get out! Get out NOW! Get out as fast as you can! Been there, done that with all of it; his talk about his so-called cheating exes, the phone stuff, the furtive emails, the mysterious money spending; the household account would go down inexplicably; only to find out he had been secretly buying a bunch of guns and porn stuff; the addiction to online porn, the affairs; I have been through all of it! The one thing he did not do (he knew better; remember; narcs have excellent self-preservation skills; especially if they are ex-military Special Forces, like my ex) was to attempt to physically harm me or my pets; but once I got threats of that in an email I knew it was time to leave.

        Do you really think so little of yourself that you are willing to put yourself in Hell? Do you think you deserve being lied to all of the time, having your own words twisted against you; being eventually completely isolated and cut off from family and friends who really love you and care about you?

        Do you really think you deserve to live in a constant state of fear? Do you really want to go around every day, all day, constantly monitoring your words lest you say the “wrong thing” and he explodes with a bunch of invectives and accusations against you?

        Are you prepared to lie to your friends and family about him whenever they ask so that he appears great in their opinions based on what you say to them because you are afraid to tell them the truth; that he treats you like $#it?

        As time goes on, it just gets worse. How far are you willing to go?
        Please keep us posted; best of everything to you!

    • carlyn@ualberta.ca'
      Carlyn
      December 26, 2015

      I married mine two years ago. Everything you just described was him, except it was dozens of women and they were all ‘friends’. I filed for divorce last month. It never gets better it never goes away. Thanks to this blog I now am not only free of him but i can stop putting the same kind of analytical energy into why my marriage failed. I was once addicted to him and now he’s a distant and dark memory. I am in a fantastic new relationship that happened almost the moment I separated from him and opened my life up to genuine people.
      I’ve been suffering and wondering what to do for years since I first asked myself if I should stay. It was a waste of empathy and effort. Eventually you or he will leave because I can tell you are smart enough to defend yourself. I don’t know about yours but mine didn’t enjoy that. Eventually it either ends in empowerment on your terms or it ends in abandonment and infidelity and shock and misery. If I had stayed that would have been my fate. All the luck and strength to you in this! It gets so much better after this point I promise.

  • Jentmcdougall@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    January 30, 2013

    Thank you so much Mel for this article on the altruistic narc.My ex husband of over 20 years did not seem to fit into the classic description. I used the word ‘covert’ to describe him, because nobody would ever believe such a lovely man could ever be capable of such cruelty. You have given me so much peace to finally have it clearly defined.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jenny,

      you are so very welcome, and I know you can have a lot of relief by finally knowing the truth.

      I had no doubt that when this article went out that many, many people would be able to relate.

      My inbox has been delivering all day from people that have not posted on the blog also totally confirming what I knew to be true for so many people.

      I am so happy you now have peace and release.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • janetereseandrews@bigpond.com'
    Jane
    January 30, 2013

    Hi Mel, thank you for this insight into altruistic narcs. I have been blessed with freedom from any wish to re-establish any relationship with my ex narc. I did experience all the dependence and fear around the relationship ending and did wonder how I would survive without him emotionally and financially. I realise now that he convinced me I would be financially worse off with out him. Strangely enough all the things he bought me were things I did not need at all. In fact towards the end I actually hated the dinners out at fancy restaurants, where he would take me after picking a horrendous fight. I was taken on trips and holidays where the monster would emerge and things went from peaceful and normal to a mind bending mission to survive being accused of totally unthinkable actions and threatened with him leaving on the next plane. On one holiday we had to take separate cars as I needed to be able to drive away if the inevitable fight came and I was trapped. We would always buy gifts for Birthdays etc but I would often find my things missing or damaged such as defaced paintings, scratched furniture and ripped dresses.
    These things are now in the past and do not concern me. I realise I was being bought and yes it was all pretend. The simple things in life are important and so is our right to freedom and respect. No material objects are worth more than our soul. I am grateful for the lessons and feel like I have been to university! I am doing well and even have been on a few dates with lovely guys who are a world away from my ex narc. Thank you Mel for all your guidance as I know I would not be in this good place without the NARP program and reading all the articles as well as hearing from everyone in this community. Truly this has enabled me to live and enjoy life and i hate to think of the alternative. XXXJane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 30, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      it is so true that this narc goes out of his way to lavish with things….

      It is power-tripping absolutely when these things later get ripped away by narcs, they brutally force ‘re-payments’, and nastily remind how much something cost (that was never asked for in the first place) and then the outrageous delusions and grandstanding happens when the narc screams how much money he has ‘lost’ in a relationship with you.

      Completely fabricated figures which of course is smeared to all and sundry, as well as how materialistic his partner was and how much he was taken to the cleaners….(these poor men!)

      All of this is abuse and punishment, because the narc is not getting the False Self payoff for his ‘generosity’…

      I know many people relate to the lush hotels, expensive events, buying of properties to ‘show off’ and win approval etc that non-materialistic people do not even ask for or require in a relationship.

      I 100% agree, I would much rather have my soul, freedom, authentic happiness and love for myself than put up with the abuse to experience the ‘trimmings’…

      It’s a very easy decision to say – “Keep it and enjoy..”

      I am so pleased you are healing and experiencing lovely and real men – there truly is no comparison, and a man’s soul and heart is worth so much more than his wallet and False Self…

      Yes as I stated before there is no point stepping back into a horrific Universe that you have graduated from…

      Its real truth and life after that.

      It’s wonderful you are doing such a great job of healing and evolving Jane 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    January 30, 2013

    Melanie,

    This is a truly brilliant blog post. Thank you! My narc was exactly the type you describe, and it was very, very difficult to accept that he really didn’t love me because his “performances” were so convincing. It took months of hard work on myself to break out of the fantasy world, and I’m grateful to have done it.

    One resource that has helped me is Patricia Evans’ book The Verbally Abusive Man. At just the right moment in my life I read her detailed analysis of how the projection of the false self occurs. Combining that information with your above article gives a pretty complete picture of a place I will never visit again.

    I still have a lot of healing to do, but I rarely think about the narc, don’t miss his version of “love”, and I am beginning to love myself in a way that satisfies.

    You and all the wonderful people who have taken the time to learn about and write about these issues have my undying appreciation and love. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi EJ,

      I am so glad this article resonated and has helped supplement Patricia’s book.

      That is wonderful that you are on your way to healing, and you know you would never go back.

      You are so right, that is no version of ‘love’ to miss – as it bears no resemblance to love.

      You are so welcome, and it is so beautiful to have a community filled with such incredible people who are claiming their True Self, their souls and their authentic connection to life.

      Truly glorious, and the wonderful gift as to why all of our souls directed us firstly to the narc, and then to this community co-creating this incredible gift together.

      Much love to you too EJ.

      Mel xo

  • Zoboat@me.com'
    Zoe
    January 31, 2013

    Thank you Melanie, this article was in my inbox right after I found out my ex N who I left 3 weeks ago after a 9 year traumatic relationship has bought a os plane ticket for a woman who knows he is a cheating liar.
    Only a week before I left he was telling me I was the love of his life and he was so afraid of losing me and he would do anything to make it work. Then i found out he was two timing me and saying the exact same crap to her. What an asshole. I found myself saying “what an asshole” 50 times a day.
    Since finding your site and starting your program I am now saying 50 times a day “I am so f’n glad I am out of there and away from that asshole!”
    Knowing he is subhuman and will do to her what he has done to me provides some comfort. However the betrayal and flagrant disregard still hurts. She is an absolute fool for trusting him. I was there and I will never be subjected to abuse in my relationships again. I don’t miss him, I don’t want to contact him at all. I wish I could find comfort knowing that he is hurting even half as much as me. I suspect he has checked out when it comes to me, after all I know exactly what he is like. He may have gotten away with it with her, but he knows I know what a lying dispicable person he truly is. I suppose she does too but won’t admit it because she is being groomed for supply. Ahh, I remember that feeling, what a huge cost it came at. I’m thinking he’s made such a grand gesture to win over all the family and friends who know he is a lying cheater.
    I am soo glad I am out of there! Phew, its going to be a great year! I believe us honest and genuine folk will really prosper this year, all lies no matter how small do not work in the consciousness we are now living in. Thank you so much for your program and your work Melanie, I am so hopeful about my future with super healthy happy boundaries. I can truly feel that I am healing and on my way to absolute lasting peace and happiness.
    Much love and gratitude, Zoe xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Zoe,

      This other woman, even though of course it hurt you a lot, has done you an enormous favor.

      The behaviour you have described epitomizes this article….

      Understand even if people who ‘know’ him have evidence he is a liar – he has been able to create another ‘story’ full of smear regarding you – which will have got him off the hook with them…it’s just what this narc does.

      Ok, so Zoe truly – that’s all his stuff and life, and when you get to the inner work, release and transform your pain, you will clear up what has allowed you to experience this…

      And then you will feel great….truly….

      Hugs.

      Mel xo

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    January 31, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    My narc-ex sounds very much like an altruistic narc. When we were getting to know each other, he volunteered the info that he was giving food every xmas to homeless children near their church. Then, I always hear him say that he lent money to a colleague at work because he felt sorry for them. He was also very supportive and caring – seemingly. These “good acts” were very extermely difficult to overcome and realize and even depersonalize specially during the early months of no contact that at that time I felt split — I was missing all the “good” things he did but at the same time I also couldnt get over the fact that I was feeling like hell also because of the things he did. It was these “good acts” that I struggled with and which pulled me towards him and to go back to him when I was feeling weak and vulnerable even if I knew in my head being with him was not good for me in the long run.

    Eventually, it is really through NO CONTACT and using the time of NO CONTACT to really face these issues I had of regret, of “missing” him – specifically the fictional side of him – that helped me overcome and realize the FACT that all of his good side was an ACT to extract supply – attention. affection, etc. – from me.

    Your QFH is extremelyhelpful to really face all these issues .
    Also, it is depersonalizing all the mean things he did that I found extremely extremely difficult to get over with – it was a process for me, Thanks to your work Mel, I now know it is possible.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      That is wonderful that you were able to heal deeply, confront the pain and really access and realise the truth…

      This really is what happens when we go ‘within’ and heal….we break out of painful illusions – we align with truth, and we come to acceptance with it – which sets us free.

      You certainly can use the goal-setting mp3 in NARP to set up the goal of depersonilizing the malicious acts….and releasing yourself of that energy.

      If you would like some help with that please email me – as the relief you will experience will be profound.

      Keep healing, you are doing a fantastic job…

      Mel xo

  • karlaquiroz80@gmail.com'
    Karla Quiroz
    January 31, 2013

    Hi this Came on the right time i been confused about the mental illness that the N suffers don’t know why i been feeling like, i need to have Mercy over him, i got so bad that i ended writing everything that he did to me in order go stop this feeling..why is it that i think about it,maybe i’m afraid of the idea of i still loving him, but how can i love someone like that he call me and text me a couple of weeks a go i ignored the call and text,but i been tormented by the way hes acting i know that he is in a breaking point alone and with lots of problems witch honest i will love to not care..but deep inside i do but.. ill come back to my sense and remember all the hell i went with him and like Melany say’s hes not capable or really wants to fix his problem,so on that note i will move on with my life and don’t look back But why is it..that this still in my heart..i will take responsibility for my actions and stay away as much as i have too..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Karla,

      What is really important is to go to the pain deeply within us, take responsibility for it, and heal the parts of us which correspond with allowing and experiencing what we received.

      It is only then that genuine relief and liberation can be real.

      Our minds always align with our belief systems and the painful thoughts and ‘pulls’ correspond with unhealed parts, regardless of ‘what you try to tell yourself’, but once you have healed deeply, your mind will easily be in agreement – and he will become a wonderful lesson, instead of ‘a person who hurt me’.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • hillarybort@yahoo.com'
    Hill
    January 31, 2013

    Great article! I just ended a Narcissistic Abusive friendship. I only know these “signs” because my husband’s father is a primary NPD for sure, his mother codependent/narcissist. We used to wonder what it was we just went through, when they visited. Like a tornado. Couldn’t understand why his dad said the things he said, until we found the diagnosis in 2010.

    Now I’ve been friends with a girl for 5 years, she pursued me aggressively to be a friend, even though I had witnessed how she spoke to her husband, and her attitude, -she scared me! But when a narcissist wants to garner supply, they sure know how, which is why this article really hits home! I relaxed and let her into my life, she had a baby six months before my first child, and I thought I shouldn’t set aside a potential mom-friend because she scared me a few times when I witnessed her in front of her husband. She seemed completely different when she was pursuing a friendship… I actually told myself, maybe she was hormonal or something- when I first met her.

    Boy was I wrong! Even after having been through the parents-in-law situation, I still was feeding this narcissist. I realized way too slowly for my level of knowledge. But you don’t choose your in-laws, you do choose your friends, so perhaps I was in denial about the “red flags”.. Anyway, she did everything you described above Melanie. Once I disagreed with her and stood my ground, it was a non-stop hellish train ride of push-pull, punish-love. Totally on egg shells at every moment. Thankfully, I am well trained in how to handle a Narcissist, when I decide I do not need to be talked to or belittled (the way she treated her husband). I just cut her out, and whoah did that make her mad! To think, she couldn’t prod and poke with her projections to get my reaction. I gave her no reaction!! She moved on to commenting on MY friends facebook updates, which she had never done before, and “nudging me” 6x a day in an iphone game (also, never had done before)… it was pretty ridiculous. Only when I sent my daughter with my husband to her daughters birthday party, did it appear that she knew she wasn’t going to get anything out of me. She made a point not to send a thank you note, and hasn’t commented on my friend’s facebook status’ since. I really think it’s nuts that a Narcissist can’t just come up to you honest and genuine like a friend. I did when I first disagreed with her (the thing that really set her off), I noticed she was ignoring me (yet texting me to gossip about her friend she was jealous of), I asked her if she was okay the day after our disagreement, and she wrote “Fine” (text message), I didn’t hear from her for 5 days until she was on a vacation in Manhattan and wanted to brag. So that was the beginning of the punish-love repetitious cycle that went for 3 months.

    I can say that sometimes I am sad, thinking, perhaps I was too harsh in dumping her (after all that emotional abuse and the nasty comments she’d say), but Melanie, when I read this article: I know I did the right thing! You have captured exactly what I went through, and I’m proud to say (with the therapy we’ve had over my husband’s parents), I was able to do the right thing, in releasing this Narcissist “friends” control over my life. I feel 97% free and good, compared to the 3% distraught/sad and I know that 3% is not real, all I have to do is remember what she is, how she behaved and I feel 100% free and happy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Hill,

      I am so glad this article has helped and has given you clarity…

      Yes, you did the right thing, which is first and foremost to honour yourself and live an authentic life.

      Well done, and keep walking truth.

      Mel xo

      • hillarybort@yahoo.com'
        Hill
        January 31, 2013

        Thank you Melanie! Your website has been an amazing “clarifying” resource, you really have a knack for putting together intricacies of this disorder, and empowering us victims as well.

        I particularly liked the part about, once you heal yourself- and “change” into believing that you in fact DO exist apart from the Narcissist, you realize there wasn’t much you had in common with them anyway!

        I imagine my situation with my friend was sort of an easy example, and it must be much more complex and guilt inducing for victims of familial and spousal Narcissists. From my experience, it’s been a tough road with the in-laws, but I’m letting my husband take the lead as he should. With a friend, who you can plainly see is using you for mirroring/endless validation/needing to be praised (as in my case), and juxtapose that with her lack of empathy when I had a problem (an total inability to listen or “walk in my shoes” so to speak- basically the brush off into topics about herself), or her not even recognizing my birthday after 5 years, when I give her gifts on hers!! The ridiculous petty comments… all of that was easy to walk away from, once- like you say, you realize you don’t exist to facilitate or ease the Narcissist.

        I feel very sorry for people with Narcissistic romantic relationships, and family relationships. The family ones in particular never feel settled.

        Thanks again, Melanie!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 31, 2013

          Hi Hill,

          You are so very welcome lovely lady 🙂

          Mel xo

          • jcbolln@yahoo.com'
            jacqueline
            August 26, 2016

            Hi Melanie,

            I believe you are an amazing person with an amazing gift. Thank you so much for your research and shared information of which you are so generous to share with us.

            I am not a perfect person, yet I strive to be loving and fair. My sister traumatized me to my very core. Simply put, she came to “help” when my husband was having his bone marrow transplant, pouting the entire time, gave me the silent treatment for the better part of the week, telling my in-laws that I was the troublemaker in the family when I was not present. Then, we he passed less than a year later, she came again to “help.” Again, silent treatment and pouting for a week. On the way home from the memorial she said, “I really shouldn’t say this but your best friend is highly neurotic.” Being in the imaginable state that I was, and not imagining why she would take this moment to criticize someone close to me, I replied, “You are right, you really should not be saying that.” As we walked through the door to my home, she threw all of the gifts (stories about shared experiences with my husband) onto the floor of my living room, marched into her guest room, slammed the door, and the silent treatment ensued. Several years later, when we met in our childhood home to say goodbye to our dying mother, again the silent treatment. She would not speak to me, emoting anger and resentment. My brother followed suit, although interestingly he had been kind and communicative with me until her arrival. The only time she spoke to me what the last hour I was was in our home, before leaving to catch a plane. I was taking a moment of peace out of the back patio that my husband had built for my mother. She came out and purged her anger, her hate. Telling me what a loser I was, that I had no friends and never would, that I change past history and make it what I want, that I am the most selfish person, that she will never ever see me again. Understanding that this was projection and that I never did anything WRONG in all three of these cases shook me to my very core. For eight years. Here I am. I diligently researched my childhood experiences and my feelings finding out how to move past the anguish that she ignited in me through these experiences. I did find out, but the healing was not present, and I had hit a solid wall with my therapist. When I found your name, I was diligently searching for a path of healing and followed your instructions to release this emotional energy. The aftermath was the greatest shift I have experienced in my life, and to be quite honest, it frightened me because I felt that perhaps it could not be true. Yet it is. And it all makes sense on so many levels. I believe that this research that you have conducted and your healing methods will one day be standard procedure in therapy and in life. Your generosity in sharing this with the world is the most amazing gift and I thank you so much. Also, as a side note, I feel this shift physically in my stomach, as strange as this is to say. The anger and pain of my sister is virtually gone. Of course I still have a lot of work to do in shifting my energy to be more productive after being paralyzed for so long, and I still have to deal with a nasty case of narcissism and flying monkeys at work. Going into this situation with no inner anger makes me believe this may be possible, although it is such a toxic environment I may need to leave, despite the financial blows this will cause. I have been target there, as well, and at least now I understand why. At any rate, thank you so much for being the wonderful person that you are, and so strong to have survived what you did, come out healthy, and able to help so many of us. And yes, narcissism is not a one percent game. Trust me, as someone who is an empath, I see it all around me every day. Also, the reality of narcissism in our culture is a very challenging aspect. The word is thrown around and joked about. We have a very selfish culture here in America, especially here in Los Angeles, where I live. People do not yet understand the reality of danger of the real narcissist, and it really is scary what they can do to your most basic level of existence. So thanks and best wishes to you always.

  • rturner331@sky.com'
    Rachel Turner
    January 31, 2013

    Reading this article brought tears to my eyes because it describes my ex exactly. I have spent the last 8 years trying to leave him, only to get sucked back in when he promised he’d changed. The last time I took him back, he said he’d been in therapy, he loved me and my girls so much, would prove to us all how everything would be different this time. It took three months before the mask slipped yet again. I’ve been free from him for four weeks now, and I feel so much better in myself. I know I will never take him back now, I have so much awareness about his personality disorder. When we were together he would alternate between lover and pure monster. I have never seen such hatred and contempt in another’s eyes, it was the must traumatic 8 years of my life. This article has helped me see that even though narcissists can show what appears to be love, etc is really just part of their need for more supply. It’s soul destroying to know that even though I invested so much into this relationship, he invested nothing. I know that I will recover, I have a lovely family and friends network. I also recognise I have work to do on myself and need to accept my part in attracting this person into my life. Thank you Melanie so much, I will save this article to read again when I need to xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Rachel,

      I am so glad that this article has provided you with much needed clarity.

      The true healing is realizing we need to make it about ourself and our unhealed parts. He was a catalyst who – if he hadn’t turned up – someone else would have in his place – to grant you the soul awareness of where you aren’t a true source to yourself – so you can heal this.

      It’s great you have ended it, and it’s wonderful that you realise you have work to do on yourself.

      By doing so your real life of joy, truth and the creations of your True Self will begin – absolutely.

      Mel xo

  • veronica@gravityride.com'
    Veronica
    January 31, 2013

    Mel, the Universe is wondrous and the synchronicity of your post is amazing. I was struggling with the question of ‘is he or isn’t he really a narcissist’ and the universe was opening my eyes to the projections, the mirroring, the devaluing of me to make himself feel better, the falseness of it all, and that he’s this mass of cognitive dissonance, when your article arrived right on time to reinforce the truth of what I sensed. I’m a bit sad as to what this really means, that there really is no hope for a healthy relationship with him as long as the patterns keep repeating. But I’m seeing clearly now, and I feel hopeful for the possibility to have and sustain healthy relationships in my life now that I know better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m starting to taste the freedom and it’s delicious.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Veronica,

      I am so pleased you received this article exactly when you needed it.

      Veronica, it is so important to Realise POINT BLANK if the behaviors that I have mentioned in this article – which you have confirmed have / are happening – there is NO hope.

      This is narcissistic behaviour that is ingrained, and highly personality disordered, and non-treatable, simply because these people are not going to deconstruct their ego (False Self) to go through the intense and ongoing therapy consistently and determinedly to heal.

      This is why we all need the essential boundary of never tolerating it again…

      Let go, stay clear and commit to you, and you never will again.

      You are very welcome. Go forth and claim that freedom and your Real Life, you deserve it!

      Mel xo

      • jnthlake@aol.com'
        Regina
        February 2, 2013

        So true Melanie!! My therapist told me it’s going to get uglier and uglier..And my therapist also told me he will replace you as soon as you hold to No Contact and he did within a very short period of time like less than 4 weeks even though he lives in the middle of nowhere and has to attract women to come to him like a spider weaving his web..and they get stuck in it just like I did…nope this isn’t love….it’s junk…just like a twinkie sweet on the outside kills you slowly on the inside…

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 3, 2013

          Hi Regina,

          yes once the horrific cracks appear, the relationship is on a one-lane path to worse and worse destruction.

          There is no saving it…

          Yes, of course he did. This narc is very empty and needy and cannot be alone without trying to use someone to offset his tortured self.

          And the never ending cycle continues – initial idealising (here is the person who will save me from my inner tortured parts), the devalue and discard (when they can’t and don’t) – or partner escaping – and the narc ends up with his worst fear again and again – being alone and unloved with his False Self having to make ‘the end’ his decision (the False Self cannot bear the concept of being abandoned) because – ‘this person wasn’t good enough for me’.

          Without inner reflection or ownership there is no growth or change to this pattern.

          Very, very sad, but true.

          Mel xo

  • sround4176@aol.com'
    Sharon
    January 31, 2013

    This article resonated with me on so many levels…..I’ve done so much reading about narcissism and my ex just didn’t seem to “fit” the description provided. I was with my ex off and on for the past year and a half. He would disappear with NO notice only to return weeks/months later with marriage proposals etc. I spent time with his friends and family as well and he was very sweet to me when we were together in person. However, he remained very vague about certain parts of his life and had no real explanation of why he would disappear and when he would pop in again, he would just expect to pick up where we left off. He did many kind things for people and had many friends. He is also very responsible with work and is very ambitious.
    I hadn’t dated in 10 years before I met him so his weird hot and cold behavior really confused me. Unfortunately for me, I am overly empathathetic so I could understand some of his issues and made several attempts to get him to open up which he did on occasion. This of course led me to believe he was “getting better”. He reached out to me on Christmas (after 7 months of silence)and wanted me to visit him in another state where he is working and the minute I set boundaries regarding intimacy, he became cold, sarcastic, and just disappeared. Prior to this, he constantly talked about our future and spent hours making plans for us. As we are both Christian, he brought God into our conversations and how he felt it was God’s plan for us to be together and asked me to not give up on him. It really was the mixture of the good and bad that caused me confusion and prolonged the hope I had for us.
    Thank you again for writing this for those who have dealt with a more unique disordered individual. I’m not sure if I can ever date again because my trust in my own judgement has gone out the window. He hurt me in a way I have never felt before and it has changed me. I hope that I can get back to the woman I was prior to meeting him.
    Gratefully – Sharon

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      Definitely hot and cold is the nature of this narcissist…declarations of undying love, followed by complete dismissal or abandonment when you try to discuss ‘your rights and boundaries’.

      My love, when you heal, absolutely you will feel clear and be able to trust yourself, men and life.

      Truly you don’t want to get back to the woman you are before you dated him (she wasn’t in her true power – otherwise he couldn’t have come in to your life) – you want to become a much greater version of this woman – and that is exactly what this opportunity – and why he came into your life – is all about.

      Mel xo

  • djpeart7@gmail.com'
    Jane
    January 31, 2013

    Dearest Melanie. Whilst reading this article my head was constantly nodding in agreement with every description of the ultruistic narcissist. Part of my dilemma in recovery was trying to explain to myself what exactly happened to me in those 25 years-I was totally incapable of comprehending what I had been through. Your insight has been my saviour. I am so gratefull to you. The insanity is coming to an end. Logic is returning to my life for the first time in a long long time. I had no idea the life I was living was so extreme. I had been locked inside the evil web called altruistic narcissism. Knowlegde is power. I now have the power to find myself, to discover myself and to move forward with ethusiasm and joy… I am excited to see what the future holds. Eternally grateful, Jane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      I am so thrilled this has cleared things up for you powerfully.

      That is wonderful you are excited about your future 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tabitha.ingle@yahoo.com'
    Unbearable
    January 31, 2013

    In reply to Hanna’s post: Many of the posts were helpful but i cant but reply to Hanna. It’s probably because my Narc relationship started when I was 30 years old. I had just come out of a 10 yr marriage and I was so hopeful, at a mature but still young enough 30 yrs old. I worked with my Narc and thoughtt we were friends. He was well-liked at work and very charismatic. He was very focused on his physical appearance, he lifted weights and took pride in his big muscles. He was funny and always joking and made me feel good. At the time I didnt realize that this was all to get ghe much needed attention he so desperately needed. He had been dating someone but told me he had been trying to grt rid of her but she kept coming around. I trusted him blindly and believed every word. He juggled us both pretty successfully for about 2 years and was emotionally abusive the whole time. It was unbelievably confusing how how could treat me that way and then swear he loved me so much. Finally about 2.5 yrs into the relationship I was unable to go on and told him what condition my heart and mind were in. He said he didnt know he was hurting me so bad and he only did it because he was going through a hard time in in his life and it caused him to make many mistakes. At that point he seemed to be trying to do better and the relationship with her was ended. It’s been another 2 years now and I am still traumatized by it all and my ability to trust is shattered. The sad part is that no matter how hard it seems he tries, I still have flasbacks to things he’s done and I can’t make myself believe he loves me. I din’t know it I’ll ever believe someone loves me. I can hinestly look bacm now and say I wish sO badly that I had walked away and started a different life. I feel the ages 30-35 are critical in a woman’s life and I beg you Hanna to not waste them. There is a man out there that is good and even if there wasn’t why do we want to be witha man who doesnt care anymore than to hurt us every day?! My Narc keeps begging me tk marry him but when I have times of emotional strife he still gets upset with me and doesnt support me. He says he doesnt know what to do , even though I have told him what I need a million times. Bottom line is, I love him, but it’s not the real him. I love the guy I know he could be, but he’s not him. Narcs may love in some way but it’s not in an unconditional, supportive way. And no matter how much we love them, it doesnt change. Please leave Hanna and save some of the best years of your life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi unbearable,

      I feel for you…truly and thank you so much for speaking to Hanna through your post.

      Correct, what you ‘love’ is a mirage it’s not true…

      I truly hope you get out, stay out and heal, and please know this community is here for you.

      Mel xo

  • bridgebird88@yahoo.com'
    Bridget Heber
    January 31, 2013

    What is the difference between a Narcissist and a Borderline Personality? Also I appreciate your articles. They are very good. b

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Bridget,

      It a great question and the following is my opinion and experience. Both Borderlines and narcs have deep inner self loathing and the intense fear of being defective, unloveable and unworthy and are focused on getting approval from the outside.

      Both are very capable of projective identification and the pathological assigning of their unhealed parts on to others, and playing out punishment and sabotage in their relationships.

      Narcissists seem to, however, have a much greater propensity to punish mercilessly and with any available tool, or pathological (even criminal) script to hurt others.

      Borderlines seem to not got to the extreme lengths narcissists will ‘to prove their False Self point’ of ‘you threatened my False Self and therefore you WILL pay’.

      The narcissist has a much more pronounced grandiose false self, and greater defense mechanisms fiercely protecting the image of the False Self.

      I have worked with Borderlines who have been able to recognize and deconstruct their ego construction and claim their pain under their ‘mask’…these people had not completely disowned their damaged inner self and were prepared with humility and ownership to do the work on their damaged parts and heal, once they dissolved their ego enough to claim them.

      Narcissists simply do not do this….and will do anything to avoid doing this, except in times of total narcissist injury where there is a small window of opportunity that does not last. The truth is the narcissist will only do what he or she can to feel better enough to reinstate the False Self and then it as business as usual. ‘someone else is to blame for the way I feel’, and if I can get ‘that’ (some form of external power) I will feel better.

      I certainly do believe that many narcissists exhibit Borderline characteristics as well…

      If narcissism is at play (the behaviors mentioned in this article) then the hope of recovery and healing of the inner parts is in my opinion hopeless.

      I am yet to genuinely see or hear of any example which allows me to believe differently.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • rgrangeret@yahoo.com'
    Becky
    January 31, 2013

    This article was so helpful. I always wondered why my ex who was so cold and cruel to his children wanted to be the trustee of a children’s charity and did so much to show everyone what he was doing. The false self could act being kind and thoughtful but it never quite seemed genuine, like there was another agenda. He is obsessed with how people regard him not because he lacks confidence but his reputation was everything. The withdrawing was his tactic whenever I questioned his behaviour and he would almost make me beg to get him to return to normal. Funnily he has tried this by refusing to respond to any communication with me to do with our son but of course now I don’t care. Maybe in his head he thinks it has an impact. I struggle to get my friends and family to realise just how damaging his effect was on me, and to recognise that the person I was with is a seriously dysfunctional person. I really have valued reading your articles and to realise that I’m not the only one to have been with someone like this. I’ve applied no contact for 3 weeks now and it’s a relief.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Becky,

      Thank you for you post.

      The truth Becky is that all narcs lack confidence (self-belief) otherwise there would be no need for a False Self.

      It can be frustrating when people don’t recognize what you went through – but please know this is about you being your own source of validation and emotional support – without the need from the ‘outside’, and then ironically you will see that love, support and validation will flow to you as ‘more of you’.

      That is great that you are upholding No Contact, and you know you are not alone.

      Keep healing and moving inwards and forwards.

      Hugs..

      Mel xo

  • jaydenny53@hotmail.com'
    Jay Denny
    January 31, 2013

    I became involved with a Narcissist as a friend about a year and a half ago. He is also a bisexual and a coke addict I found out much later. I thought he was the most wonderful person I had ever met in my life, now I realize it was his false self . Slowly over a period of time he began to hook me or groom me to want to be romantically involved with him. I am a gay man. The first incident happened at his vacation house on the Gulf Coast. He invited me over to a sports car show and to help him with some work on it. He ran around nude in front of me for three days at his house. I thought he was coming on to me, this was the time I began to have romantic feelings for him. Turns out he was only sadistically teasing me, because he had two of his girl friends preform sex on him , in front of me, I was a captive audience because it was a small house and I had no where else to go. Thats when I realized there was something wrong with the picture of this wonderful person. He admitted no wrong. I forgave him but refused to ever go back. I am forced to have contact with him because we both rent an apt in a house that he is friends with the landlord for thirty years. The next incident happened two months later when he was on cocaine and threatened to have his friend the landlord kick me out. Again I tried to overlook it. A little later he told me to get lost when I was sunning on a common deck because he had some guy friends coming over and they were going to do drugs and have sex. After he acted like he did nothing wrong and went back to his wonderful false self. This is about the time Narcissism came on my radar, thank God, and I realized what he was. I cant afford to move to get away from him and am forced to have contact with him. He likes to ride a bike and around Christmas said he would buy me a bike and I foolishly let him(Altruistic Narcissist). We rode together one time, and that afternoon he hung up on me for no reason and the next day told me I was spying on him(his drug addiction is involed too) I gave the bike back and he gave it immediately to someone else. He acted again like he did nothing wrong. He tells me he is mainly straight and has no homosexual attractions. We have not had sex, he uses it as a hook. I started putting two and two together and realized thru Sam Vaknins videos he is a somatic Narcissist. He is very promiscuous , but hides it from me. A few weeks ago, he let it slip he was in a very seedy transgeder bar and let a transexual masterbate him at the bar. This has all totally destroyed my own ego and has me obcessed with him. I know the best thing to do is get away, but I am on a very small fixed income and cant afford to. It is like a living hell. I would not have been able to hold on to my sanity if it werent for you and Sam Vaknin. He is sadiscally torturing me , and he went from being the most wonderful person I had ever known to the most horrible person I have ever known. I have to play along or be thrown out of my apt, I tried going to the landlord but due to gaslighting I am made out to be the bad guy. Im afraid if he does it again, which he probably will I will do something like turning him into the police for his cocaine use, and it could get ugly. Im trying to get out as soon as I can save a little money.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Jay,

      All of what you are describing is horrendous and incredibly seedy…..

      Yes you do need to break away, as well as discover and heal your parts which have attracted this person in your life, and been susceptible to this. This is certainly not a pattern you wish to keep living out in your life.

      It is taking this responsibility and seeking ourself and healing ourself that creates the true liberation.

      The practical external solutions alone are not the real answer – our inner creates the outer.

      Always…

      Mel xo

  • deborahnfox@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    January 31, 2013

    Thank you for the using your experience as a tool to help others. I have been with the same man for 24 years of my life. At 16 yrs old I was naive and thought I found true love. He bought me things I couldn’t afford and became my God. In high school there were signs that he may have seen his exgirlfriend again but he reassured me that it was not the case. The first sign of abuse was him putting a cigarette out on my hand, the next was hitting me and knocking me to the ground. I foolishly married him and had four beautiful little girls. In 2001, after my 2nd child I sensed betrayal and affair but I had no proof so I chose to believe the illusion. In 2012, after he ruined my credit, bankruptcy 2008, refusal to contribute to paying any bills, purposeful unemployment, all of which broke my trust he chose to abandon me and my children. Summer 2012 I prayed for God to reveal what was happening in my marriage. My intuition told me to go through all the mobile phones and emails. I soon learned that he had an obsession with texing women, having women send him sexting photos, nude photos of himself on his mobile, online dating profiles and emails to hookup with women. It learned that it was already old information from two years ago. This occurred all while I worked to support our children. When confronted him he jumped on a plane to return to his narcissit mother. She had been covering for him for years. Now he is back in a relationship with his exgirlfriend from high school and most likely other women while using my health insurance for his sex drugs since we are not divorced. I lost 22 lbs, my dignity, and almost my mind over the past 6 months. Only with fervent prayer, friends, family, spiritual guides and sites like yours have I been able to survive and maintain employment to support my children. I thank you for sharing your knowledge so I can heal the broken parts of me. I must heal before I can ever trust again, move forward to trust my emotions so I can have an authentic relationship in the future. The tears and pain is still so intense because I loved him more than myself and yet I know that life must go on and I can never go back. Thank you.

    • deborahnfox@gmail.com'
      Deborah
      January 31, 2013

      The verbal abuse, physical abuse (slamming my head into a microwave, punching me in the head and financial abuse of emptying our bank accounts. He blames me for all the problems in the marriage, using the Bible to refence that a woman can’t deny her spouse sex or he will look elsewhere to justify his actions. He said he wasn’t happy in the marriage and the only way he’d return is if I bow down to him and submit. He says he needs a submissive woman and I’m just too tough. He needs a woman who treats him like luxury and has already been burned by a man. He stated that I’m not his equal and never will be because I’m a woman. He says when he speaks or curses that I’m to shut my mouth, not talk back to him and then calm him down by stroking his shoulder. Now that we’re separated he demeans me, is trying to turn my oldest child into a narcissit by teaching her to be my adversary, buying the children’s love with material items. He has tatooed his coadulter’s initial on his neck, resides with her, withholds financial support, harasses me and has threatened to hire someone to take me out. I’ve tried no contact but it’s difficult when you have children there is no clean break. At this time, I’m going to attempt a 30 day no contact again with the hopes of doing intense inner healing so I can let go. Any advise you could provide would be most appreciated. (Please excuse my typos in the previous comment). Thanks

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 31, 2013

    Hi Deborah,

    You are welcome and I am so pleased that you have found this blog and this community.

    Your experience is way out in the open – absolutely.

    Many narcissistic men declare they want an equal partnership – but what they demand is the narcissistically entitled dictatorship to serve their False Self, and your compliance to do so.

    Regardless of any woman he receives Deborah – he will never be satisfied, and will never be happy – and they will all ‘fall short’ and not be ‘good enough’.

    What the narcissist cannot and will not realise is that it his own tormented self that is not at peace, not fulfilled and not whole which is causing his own terminal pain, anger, frustration and emptiness.

    No one can ever ‘fix’ that gaping hole for him – only he ever could, and he’s certainly not going to ever commit to that task.

    Ok, in this break my highest recommendation is that you maintain strict No Contact, set up any communication regarding children through a third party, and start working through the NARP program to access and heal your inner parts.

    Be also very prepared to place an intervention order on him if he reacts of threatens as a result of your enforced No Contact. Keep all your evidence and be prepared to use it.

    Keep strong and know that this community is here for you.

    Mel xo

  • Its_mariap@yahoo.com'
    Maria
    January 31, 2013

    Hi Mel, I cannot thank you enough for all of your wonderful podcasts and blogs. This one especially hit home. Thank you for giving this information to us. For about a year and a half, I have been trying to make sense of what my ex boyfriend did to me. It was like a hit and run. I never knew what narcissism even was until after it ended, and horrifically. By the end, I became aware of his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior so much so that I had to get out. But in the brief time that I knew him, he had caused so much destruction, which to this day I am still trying to reconcile. It all started rather innocently, at a reunion. We went on our first date back in 2010. He was charming, handsome, funny and single, and I was in my late 30s and looking for a life partner. He complimented me all the time, telling me how beautiful I was, how amazing our connection was, etc. I thought I had found my soulmate. No man had treated me with such reverence and love in my eyes until then. A week after our first date, I fell down a flight of stairs and was out of work for weeks. He became my night in shining armor, coming over my place most nights of the week to see how I was doing and to take care of me. Now I realize that he was a fake, and he was really coming over to take advantage of me. I was in the most vulnerable position that I’ve ever been in in my life. I really thought he was genuine. Shortly after my fall, my father became sick with cancer. My life was thrown into a tizzy and again, I looked to my ex for strength and support. He talked future with me. He wanted to have kids. He wanted to go to my church. He wanted to be with me all the time. I was so enthralled with him and so unbelievably in love that I didn’t pay attention to the warning signs. The first being how he pressured me to have sex with a back injury. How he didn’t use protection, against my wishes, when he forced himself on me. All during this time he kept saying how much he loved me. And I believed him. A month into the relationship, he wanted to introduce me to his friends so we went to their place. It was then that I saw an even worse side to him. He drank and drank. And when I said “hey how much have you had?” he threw me this look that could kill. On the way home his demeanor changed completely. Then at my place he picked a fight. After reading your blog and listening to this podcast, it reaffirmed to me how a narcissist can turn on a dime when you say even the slightest comment that they don’t agree with. So I forgave him for that, and continued to have hope in the relationship. When I finally went back to work his calls and texts became less and less. Then I noticed questionable Facebook posts from other women. I confronted him about that too. My father was dying. I needed him and he wasn’t there to support; he only thought of himself. All the while pretending to “be there” for me. He even gave me a card saying “i’ll always be here.” Looking back, I don’t know how I endured the twists and turns that he caused me emotionally, and the pain he caused me physically, as I was dealing with an injury and with losing my father at the same time. Two months into the relationship, he raped me. I asked him to stop but he kept going. That pretty much ended the relationship. So he disappeared for weeks, and I worked on myself to get stronger. Two months after that, my dad died. Despite everything, and after losing my dad who had been the most important man in my life, I tried to forgive all. He had me hooked, i felt like he had me mesmerized. It was nuts and maddening. He kept me hooked in with texts saying how much he would be there for me after dad died, that if there’s anything I need to call him. Despite everything i had gone through I still had a glimmer of hope that he was a good person. But narcs are not good people. They are disordered individuals who cannot be cured. So a month after my father died, I got a call from my doctor who told me that I had an STD. I have never had an STD before, I have not had sex with many people & was always careful. My ex was the second man I have ever been with, and nearly 20 years after my first partner, so I know I got it from him. I confronted him about this, and was put into even a bigger tailspin of lies and false promises. Six months after I met him, that short time after he basically promised the world to me, he sent me a text saying that he hopes I find true love someday. And just like that, he was gone. I was left with a nightmare of doctors visits, worrying about my health, grieving my father, and dealing with the aftermath of this soul (and physical) rape. He picked up with a new woman shortly after that. To this day, I don’t know when he met her, and whether it was while he was still communicating with me. He left me with such utter confusion and so many questions Melanie. Four months after he said goodbye to me she quit her job and moved out of state to be with him. I feel sorry for her. She is living a lie, his lie, and she bought into his phoniness. If only she knew what this guy has done. And now I know i wasn’t the first (he is twice divorced). But that’s her journey. My journey now is to heal, and that wouldn’t have been possible without your work. I am so thankful for your voice and advice in helping me move on. You are truly a lifesaver. And yes, narcs ARE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE. My ex does not know what love is. He is a phony and an abuser who does not take any responsibility for his actions. Thanks again for explaining this phenomenon, how narcs pretend to be good and helpful to their victims, in order to gain control. This blog and your podcast hit it on the nail. I could relate to a lot of this information based on my experience. And i never thought I could write so much about this but it has been cathartic for me. Keep up the great work and again, my deepest thanks! God bless you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Maria,

      I am so pleased this article granted you much needed clarity.

      Yes, you absolutely are describing the altruistic narcissist – to a tee. Unprotected sex is another behaviour of the narcissist – absolutely.

      Very little value placed on safety or care for self or others and certainly no thought of consequences of actions.

      I also received ‘nice’ texts wishing the best and hoping I find love one day! This is where this narcissist differs from the ones that send vile texts.

      The A N focuses on trying to be Mr Wonderful, and of course if he could keep you as a friend then you would be avaliable as future supply.

      You poor thing you have been through so much and deep condolences on your father passing away.

      I am so pleased you know the truth that he is not and was not love and that you can now align yourself with the authentic deal.

      Bless you too Maria.

      Mel xo

  • marg.gibson@paradise.net.nz'
    Margaret
    January 31, 2013

    13 years of abuse, one small child. Dumped me when I no longer served his needs (actually basically I finally started to stand up to him) and took up with yet another older woman with a business, money and property. Repeating the same pattern for the 3rd time running. I was victim # two. No breaks in between, the most good looking caring wonderful romantic passionate lover. And he left me abused, broke, financially destitute. I know what he is and I know he is a failure and I know what his future will be – but I am still struggling. your article was briliant because it is the perfect description of him. The altruistic narcissist. He loved being in Search and Resuce, he loved running charity events, he loved being the hero. God – need I say more?

    Oh to be free of him but I have a life sentence. We have a young child whom he is poisoning. We have shared custody.

    Everytime I try and stand up for myself I get abused.

    how many times I have been on the brink? More than you need to know. I am on one now.

    I relate to your article, I have tried all your steps, yet I cannot escape him bothering me. I know when he has a had a fight with her her. I get the resulting out of nowhere abuse.

    mostly I laugh these days but sometimes he gets to me – like he has now. I am staring down the barrel of having all my wealth and riches taken from me, and my son. My own self worth is destroyred. And I am exhausted, fearful of him (he is a big man with a vile temper) and fearful of my future.

    One of the hardest things I find is getting support. No one believes what a monster he is and I feel very alone. he has turned his ffamily against me with the smear campaign – all about control and isolation – and he will attempt to turn our son against me.

    And yes he is a mysognist. Hates his mother with a passion.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2013

      Hi Margaret,

      You poor thing, you are feeling the bleakness of your situation and the emotional torment of what has happened….

      Many, many people can relate to how you feel – please know that.

      Margaret some people can get through the steps logically and apply them. Many more do need to go deeper by accessing the Quanta Freedom Healing MP3s in NARP because they work at a much deeper Inner Identity level – directly on your subconscious.

      This may be the path you consider taking to help.

      Sweetie you have to become the inner support to yourself and then authentically your life will fill with ‘more of you’ – that is you goal.

      Wishing you healing and strength.

      Mel xo

      • marg.gibson@paradise.net.nz'
        Margaret
        February 1, 2013

        Hi Mel, yes I am trying with all my energy to get on. This morning I realised how much accountability I need to take for myself. My emotional and mental and financial state are not his concern or business yet I keep making them so or allowing him to make them so. Why? because subconsiously I want his help. And yes I know this is wrong and it is conditioning and what i crave (my own weakness I am agraid). My boundaries are far better than they used to be and I do not contact him. never. It is always the other way around. Most of the contact lately has been about money and he uses our son as a pawn. Also he moved onto straight away to another woman (‘it was an accident’ yeah right tell that to someone else LOL!) and here we are 6 months later and he is moving into her house with our son. But apparently he puts his son’s needs first? Really????

        This is killing me – truly it is. I get no suport from his family – they made him this way so why should I expect them to actually stand up and do somethng. They should have when he pulled a knife on his parents when he was 12 – but did they? Did they step in when he started sleeping with his babysitter when he was 12? Need I say more.

        But my son is being turned. I can see it. And I can do nothing about it. Parenting order – ha ha. Laywers – yeah right. He refuses to co-operate or work with lawyers – and he has a right to do that. Trespass order? Joint counselling and attendance of Parenting through Seperation courses. Good one. If I have just one more person tell me to act on all the above I am going to thump them. I am so tired of people’s advice yet total lack of undrstanding and action. They have no idea what an unstable disordered individual this person is. This man respects no boundaries and uses his well honed bullying tactics to get his way. Like them all – everyone thinks he is Prince Charming and oh surprise – I am the nutty mentally unstable ex.

        I am working with a professinal who picked up straight away I was a victim of a long standing narcissitic relationship and both her and yourself have pretty much the same opinions regarding Narc’s.

        She is going to help me work on my weakness that narcissists just love to exploit – except I haven’t identified it yet. I think it is loneliness. Loneliness as a child and fear of loneliness in general. Naturally this is fodder to a narcissist. Doesn’t take much effort to control and manipulate a person desperate for company and approval. (something else I have alwats struggled with).
        I mentioned lack of support. I have friends but the problem is I find everyone dumps their problems on me yet when I need them – the tables are turned. It has always been this way. I put it down to the fact that they see me as strong and successful so when in fact that assumptions turns out to be fallacy (I see myself as weak and vunerable) they can’t understand and don’t know how to deal with it. Of course some of the answer is in my own coment. My own view of myself is pretty damned low and again – meeting a wonderful man who makes me feel good about myself makes me a great target for a maniuplative creep.

        As a conequence I have now gone into 100% distrust mode which I find equally sad, distressing and highly judgemental. Not all men are bad. Not all people are bad. Yet if I don’t deal with this and bring it back to a happy medium – I will end up living the very thing I fear most – loneliness.

        i know this man is bad. I know he will kill me. I know he is poisoning my child. yet I feel utterly powerless and hopeless and I can so no end to the madness I live in. I feel like I spend every day wading through mud – and I am exhausted by it. I am lonely, I am tired, I am grieving, I am broke. And he is happy (mmm??), well off (with my money), and living the life that I thought he and I were going to live but never did. On the other hand I do know that the honeymood will be over when he has finished gromming her and has her in his control. Poor woman.

        And as I write this I have had two texts from him demanding I call him. Next will come the use of my son as a pawn, followed up by his anger and abuse of me, and then the threats to take my son off me.

        “No contact” backfires every time. The first time I tried it resulted in me having to put the office in lockdown to protect colleages and then me calling the police on him as he threatened me in front of our son – which he finished off with telling our son what a nasty mad bitch I am.

        I am done. So now what? I succumb to his demands? Play his stupid game just to buy me some space? But in the process of doing that I break my own boundaries.

        Over it.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 3, 2013

          Hi Margaret,

          it is wonderful that you are starting to realise the truth of your feelings of powerlessness, and what you need to heal.

          Our inner creates our outer powerfully when it comes down to dealing with narcs (and everything in life).

          If we have unhealed parts that are still playing out and we are not focused on taking responsibility for them and healing them – we get hooked…we fall for the power plays, get enmeshed in them and lose our sanity and soul in the process.

          This cycle needs to end – and as long as you are making him responsible for your wellbeing and life – he has this power over you.

          Recovery from narc abuse in my opinion (as well as recovery from any unhealed parts) is not a ‘mind job’ – it is a deeper inner healing job.

          This is why time and time again I see people try to approach it cognitively who have very slow or little progress, whereas when it is approached from a deeper soul level true healing and changes occur.

          This requires partnering yourself, you becoming your healer, and you facing these parts and doing lots and lots of work on yourself. Once you start creating this authentic connection with yourself he will become less and less in your life, you will stand your ground from a ‘lampost’ position (this is not my reality) and he will lose all power over you.

          It is (like it was with all of us) your emptiness, your lack of being a source to yourself, your neediness and fear that makes you susceptible..

          (Ironic that these are exactly the deep rooted issues of narcissist which drives their behaviour – hence the ‘match’).

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

  • kdmain29@gmail.com'
    kenn
    January 31, 2013

    Hello once again,
    I read with complete attention to what you describe. I know that when i read your words i look closely at myself and in some of the descriptions i fear that i see myself.I know my background is Being “mr Nice guy”. I have been a door mat and alowed my self to be abused by a narsacist. The tuggs on me to make contact to see if she has changed still come to haunt me but i have resisted.i have not spoken a word in two years to her.I have changed i know this because i now attract women that are different from the steriotype i useually date.But its a test to my new calmer self and i am experimenting with asking for what i want and putting my needs first. It quite a challenge but an inspiring one.Thank you again for your hard won wisdom that you have for all of us .I want to use what i am learning to teach others i know this will be what i am going to do.
    Good luck fellower recoverers. I applaude you all. kenn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Kenn,

      It is wonderful that you have started getting real in your relationships and speaking up with emotional honesty and vulnerability rather than simply trying to be what you perceive the other person ‘wants you to be’.

      This is foundational to create real intimate love relationships.

      Both co-dependents and narcissists can act out ‘being nice’.

      The difference is the narcissist has a self-entitled ego and plays out maliscious pay-backs when he or she perceives that the pay-offs of ‘being nice’ are not forthcoming.

      Co-dependents do have a sense of self (integrity and conscience) and do not resort to the pathological acts outlined in this article.

      The evolution always comes back to the same foundation. Trying to be ‘nice’ when coming from the fear of rejection and abandonment is always coming from the unhealed parts within self.

      It is to do with self-rejection and self-abandonment.

      Until we can be ‘full’ and establish a healthy sense of self acceptance and self love our relationships will always reflection pain and ‘more of that'(rejection and abandonment).

      For the co-dependent it will be a tendency to hang on for approval in abusive relationships – until there is no option other than to exit the relationship or be destroyed.

      For a narcissist is will be the sabotage of a relationship and the break-down of it, due to either devalue and discard (the narcissist having to secure another source of more gratifying supply, which of course will not last), or avoid the exposure of his or her unhealed wounds under the mask – or the partner leaving the narcissist to escape the abuse.

      You are very welcome Kenn, thank you for your post and your lovely encouragement and support to this community.

      Mel xo

  • robynol@bigpond.com'
    Robyn
    January 31, 2013

    I have been reading your material and relate to it well. My story is similar except my ex was absent from my children and my life for 15 years. I met a wonderful man and we happily brought up my children together. Until, recently my ex has come back into my adult childrens lives and convinced them that I am the bad guy and he is wonderful. As a result, I don’t see any of my grandchildren. I also see traits in my own children that bothers me. I feel that he is getting even with me for leaving him so many years ago.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Robyn,

      That is wonderful that you are in a wonderful non-narcissistic relationship.

      Narcissists do harbour, and certainly can hang on to their ‘version’ of ‘your wrong doing’ for a long time.

      Rather than take responsibility, the ingrained defence mechanisms need to create a scapegoat.

      It is really important for you to work energetically, with your belief systems regarding your children….because as their mother this can have a profound positive effect. If you go back through articles in my blog, you will find information that can assist you here.

      Stay strong and loving, and I promise you the truth will unfold.

      Mel xo

  • libbyaus@hotmail.com'
    Libby
    January 31, 2013

    Oh ladies! It is like I am reading about my Narc in every single post here except he was brought up a ‘frugal Scott’, so his generosity was usually second hand rubbish :-)..but the twisting of the truth and the mirroring was never ending. I did not even know what a narcissist was until I went to his therapist (he was getting help coping with his kids being ‘horrible’ to him). The therapist actually told him he was likely a narcissist and sent us home with the tests. It was no surprise when he came back with a 100% score! Ironically, he was in such ignorance of what it meant that he bragged to everyone that he was a narcissist! Of course, after his parents explained what it meant and told him there was no way that was true, he turned it on me and told everyone I was the narcissist! I have read that it is neglect during childhood that is a large factor/cause. I believe the opposite in this case. His parents praised him to the point of ridiculous. His mother told me he was a saint and her favourite (the man was 50 years old!). I also discovered (from his teenage children who he tried everything to put against me) that he had been previously diagnosed by his marriage councellor! Anyway ladies, PLEASE continue to read what Melanie has to say because she has been my saviour. I finally ended things with him and jumped online to discover her advice on NO CONTACT. I followed it religiously. It has been 14 months and although he tries to call and message still, I just IGNORE/DELETE/IGNORE/DELETE…the message will get through to him some day…unfortunately, most likely when he finds his next victim. I watched a documentary on the illness and was shocked to discover that most executive managers are narcissists and these large companies even have a narcissist’s therapist…obviously, more often than not, it is a total waste of time and the company’s money….these people will NEVER acknowledge they have the problem…that would destroy them completely if they even contemplated it, hence they project it onto their so called ‘nearest and dearest’….there is no hope for them. I have come to terms with that and although I used to miss him from time to time, I only had to recall one nasty incident to remind me they will be lifelong if I go back to him….hang in there all of you and PLEASE listen to Melanie, she has not only been there but has devoted herself to helping us take our lives back!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Libby,

      it truly is astounding how narcissists play out identical behaviour…but it actually isn’t really when we realise that these behaviours with narcissists are all coming from a common denominator.

      Disowned, unhealed parts and ingrained defence mechanisms designed to reject and conceal these parts – and the establishment of a False Self as the substitute.

      Narcissism can absolutely emerge not just from abuse / emotional abandonment, but also from overspoiling and indulging a child. Hence programmed entitlement and not accepting ‘no’ as a answer.

      This is wonderful that you have come out of the fog and have kept to strict No Contact.

      You have done a wonderful job 🙂

      Thank you for your post Libby.

      Mel xo

  • mummy-daddyinbali@live.com'
    Indogirl
    January 31, 2013

    Hi Mel and everyone
    Back in Oz now, and yet again Mel – you’ve hit the nail on the head!
    I have had to have contact since I’ve returned due to legal matters with court orders etc……and lo-and-behold – the altruistic Narc appears in place of the vengeful Narc-the-destroyer that has been in place all the time I was overseas…one moment trying to starve me and the kids out, and now all of a sudden full of solicitation; offers of money, cars, dinners, “family trips” – the list boggles my mind. Thank goodness my “self” is in charge now, and wants to live in truth and integrity (and is giving me incredibly good emotional guidance system “boulders in the tummy” feelings). Sigh, I was wondering if I was being too hard on the Narc, right up until I read this and the alarm bells started shrieking in my head! Mel – you always manage to say the right thing at the right time (which we all know, is NO co-incidence). So glad you enjoyed Bali and your relaxation time.
    BTW Narc – I chose DIVORCE, that’s the other option in between death and domination in the dictionary 🙂
    Stay strong, my fellow “Thriver Survivors” – we’ll all get there in the end!
    xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Indogirl,

      Lovely to hear from you…

      Thank you for mentioning Bali – it was divine!

      Oh yes this is the classic A N!

      Do the most disgraceful, soulless things to inflict punishment on you (and also hurt your nearest and dearest) and then get a change of heart and offer you ‘the world plus 10!’..

      Indogirl I know through your emails to me previously how much he was battering you and hurting you.

      Sweetheart – we only have to remember ONE thing. This person (the incredibly loving, supportive, ‘I will do anything face’) is the SAME person who was mercilessly crucifying you previously.

      NORMAL people just don’t do that!

      NARCISSISTS do that!

      My darling lady you are not being HARD on him – you are seeing the fake gestures of a monster who has not healed his stuff, has no inner resources to and never will…

      And if you give him a chance, how long will it be before his False Self starts brewing, constructing versions and stories about what it isn’t getting and you get lined up for another brutal soulless attack?

      Yes, my love ‘divorce’ is the right choice. Absolutely, as well as divorcing any part of you that will ever play this out again.

      You are such a gorgeous lady and there are many, many beautiful people in the world who are not narcissists…

      Why allow one to remain in your life?

      Mel xo

  • ek7223@yahoo.com'
    Eileen
    February 1, 2013

    Hi ladies 🙂 I just wanted to recommend two great books that you may or may not have heard of, “All The Rules” and “Not Your Mothers Rules”-the latest by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. They are both very good books especially if you are dating and trying to find a good man…a man who is NOT a narcissist!! They are really good about teaching women BOUNDARIES…and weeding out jerks, players,(NARCISSISTS!)etc. I have had 2 relationships with narcissist men, and that was enough for me. I had PTSD after the first narcissist was done with me, then somehow found myself with another shortly after, and that was it!!! I am alot better now, but still I have scars, and I dont want to be with a narcissist ever again! This website is so great, and it truly has helped in my healing and understanding of everything I have gone through being with a narcissist. But I am happy to say I am now healing and growing stronger everyday. Thank you Melanie!!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Eileen,

      thank you so much for my recommendation – definetely going on my ‘books to read list’. I love it when people share books!

      It is commpon to repeat narcissistic relationships until we clean up within ourself our ‘gaps’ (fearful beliefs) which make us susceptible.

      That is so wonderful that you are claiming your True Self and healing.

      Keep it up Eileen 🙂

      Mel xo

  • mishi_f@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    February 1, 2013

    Thankyou Melanie for answering a question that has nagged at me since my relationship ended. I have come along way in the past six months. Its funny, I feel sorry for my ex, to be so empty. It breaks my heart to see him bumbling along in life causing so much chaos.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Michelle,

      I am so glad this much needed artcicle has granted you clarity.

      Michelle yes have compassion – it is sad for narcissists, and it is not until they truly crash, stop offsetting through their False Self and narcissistic supply (others) and do the true inner work of meeting their demons and pain head on – that there would be any hope for them.

      I am yet to hear of one genuine case where I know for real this has happened.

      In your compassion do NOT take responsibility, as this is how we can offset the essential responsibility of cleaning up our OWN unhealed parts.

      And if you do this – aren’t you just going down the path that narcissists choose?

      Our new world, and this planet’s human evolution starts with every single person – the essential truth of taking responsibility for SELF.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
    Madonna
    February 1, 2013

    It is still horrible for me to read the description of a narc. I am still with a narc who ticks every single terrible box but without finding Melanie and NARP I don’t know where I’d be now. By the time I started the program I wasn’t even breathing properly and had tried Hypnotherapy and antidepressants with absolutely no success. The insanity was incredible! With each session and my improvement the narc twists into something more awful. But I feel stronger every single day. Such is the desperation of living with someone so evil that I now ask Archangel Michael to protect me every morning and night from the dark entity which is the narc. Sounds a bit much doesn’t it? But I know that there are thousands of others on this website that could understand how narcissistic abuse can force a non practising Catholic to turn to an archangel! Can I just say to you Melanie that the 11th recording of achieving my goals has been fantastic. I AM achieving one of my goals everyday even though the narc is actually bullying and making fun of me. He’s going to do that either way I figure. To everyone out there who feels like their going insane. Please please please consider trying NARP. It truly was my last hope and it works. Thanks Melanie:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Madonna,

      thank you for your post, and I am so glad that NARP has been able to help you get stronger and claim yourself.

      That is great that the goal setting MP3 is aligning you with goal achievement – that is wonderful.

      I hope you are able to leave and separate soon, and then your real life will begin.

      Mel xo

  • lindaj.foss@gmail.com'
    Linda
    February 1, 2013

    I’ve heard of lots of kinds of narcissists, but not ‘Altruistic’.

    This describes my husband completely. He is always there for anybody. Lending money to friends; Giving to charity; Fixing anyone’s vehicle; The good neighbor-clearing off snow, ect. But if I ask for anything, no matter how small, he either promises (always an excuse or story about why it doesn’t happen), or makes excuses why he can’t do it.
    For example, I was rear-ended in a car accident by someone going highway speed. I was in horrific pain. We slept on a soft-side waterbed at the time. I asked if he would put more water in my side. Instead of doing anything, he said ‘You go to the chiropractor too often’. That is only one example. He positively would not do one thing if I asked. And, if he gave a gift, there would be multiple people who saw it or knew about it. Otherwise – nothing.

    He got divorce papers a week ago. But since November, when he threw the ‘d’ word at me one too many times, his abuse has gotten worse every day. He can’t have one conversation with me without re-writing history, and accusing me of things that I would not think of doing. I was advised of possible violence on his part. So, my attorney advised in the papers that I would be installing a dead bolt lock on my (as of yet installed) bedroom door. Since then, he’s installed commercial duty padlocks on all the garages (full of all kinds of professional mechanical tools, woodworking equipment, boats, motorcycles, bank vault, airplane}and his sleeping room. Yes, Mel, the N has to up the ante. He’s also removed some of his stuff to an undisclosed location, to hide.

    I’m in the NARP program now, and working on self healing. One of my problems is, that I’ve hid my feelings and vulnerability for 28 years. It’s hard to get a lot of those feelings back. I know it’s an integral part of the program, so I continue to keep trying.

    I so appreciate you and your program. It’s the only one out there. I’m even starting to get over my anger now. If anything, I pity him. To not be able to live an authentic life is truly pitiable.

    Much appreciation,
    Linda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Linda,

      Many narcs are capable of ‘street angel / home devil’…even the ones that are not AN’s can do this.

      The hard thing for someone to understand with an AN is that he or she can still be loving, attentive, supportive and giving to his or her partner in the ‘I love you’ times followed by maliscious, devaluing and discarding behaviour in the ‘I love you not’ times.

      Oh yes absolutely narcs have a monopoly on ‘one-upmanship’…as soon as you start to create boundaries or make a statement to protect yourself the narc has to go out of his or her way to hit back – and do the same thing harder.

      This is the False Self “How dare you stand up to me – I will force you into submission’…and there is no ability for the narc to have any peripheral (grey area) to understand, comprehend or acknowledge why on earth you are taking these steps in the first place.

      To a narc something is defined incredibly primitively – it is either ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (black or white).

      If you are appeasing the False Self you are ‘right’, if you are not appeasing the False Self then you are ‘wrong’, and must be punished for it.

      In regard to the Program, it can be hard to intially ‘feel’ these feelings. Firstly take your awareness into your heart. Imagine the ‘little you’. Tell her you are here for her and that you are here to help her heal and support her.

      Tell her you grant her full permission to feel her pain and that you will be with her every step of the way to support, heal and love her.

      This will assist your subconscious to know it is safe and okay to ‘feel’.

      Then when you are doing the shifts try to go to memories that will help trigger the painful feelings – and even say a mantra in your mind if you are having trouble feeling such as: ‘Darling, or sweetheart (you are talking to yourself) I’m here for you its safe to feel this.’

      This will help you.

      Lots of hugs and love

      Mel xo

  • jefflettis@hotmail.com'
    Jeff
    February 1, 2013

    Excellent article; I feel like you’ve been peeking in my window for the last five years. I pegged all the symptoms and effects but never realized it fit into this neat little package. Unfortuanately her son died from suicide after repeatedly destroying everything and every relationship in his life due to the same exact incidious (I used this word ALOT over the last 5 years) behavior. It’s one of the most bizzare and destructive things I’ve ever experienced. My daughters were at an age where they needed a father and she would behave as though they were prostitutes that I was having an affair with. Stomping around the house when I was on the phone with them. Having angry fits and isolating in the bedroom, completely intolerant of any perceived look…ad nausum (12,10,8 yr old girls at the time). I’ve already gone through the pain, confusion, depression and finally now the detachment phase. We haven’t physically seperated yet so I’m continueing to appreciate the advice. She can has and will do anything. Capable of turning on a dime; a term I’ve used dozens of times. “My way or the highway” “Shut up or leave” are some of the things I would try to end an “episode” on to try to put in memory markers. Or “you win you lose”. Melanie you say this better but I’ve come to know that she would rather chew off her arm than admit being wrong, apologise or be accountable. She would win every time and each time it knocked a block out of any hope of a family or love or a stable life with someone I could trust. I will be VERY careful from here forward; hopefully I don’t scare girls away by psychoanalyzing them too much.

    • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
      Madonna
      February 1, 2013

      Gosh Jeff. Same same same. Except I have gorgeous teenage twin boys (15) from my previous marriage. Stupid reaction is the same. I can’t even wrap my mind around this type of jealousy. They are already 4 times the man than the narc I live with.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Jeff,

      I’m glad you found the article enlightening…so pleased.

      Truly this ‘package’ of the A N did need to be worked out – as it has been a mind-bend for so many people…

      It’s good that you are getting clear and you accept she does not have the resources to be accountable.

      This is classic NPD behaviour – normal people (even those not wonderfully self-developed) do have this ability. Cluster B’s and sociopaths don’t.

      Once you heal enough truly Jeff, you will not be paranoid, you will take your time to get to know someone, you will honour yourself, and you will know the warning signs – and you will never stay if any of these pathological behaviours cropped up again.

      You would love yourself enough, and be ‘full’ enough to rather be single, and stay aligned with creating your truth.

      Mel xo

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    Lill
    February 1, 2013

    I am in “no contact” with my parents. My fateher seem to fit with the altruistic narcissism definition.

    It was very confusing and devastating growing up with a father that on one side was the best father one could dream of, but that on the other was so critical, talked about other people even people I liked or loved, and punished me when I followed his “good father” advice and wishes.. He straight out encouraged me to do things and to live a way that he just as often punished me for. And I never discovered this fraud, because he NEVER stepped over the limits, that if he would step over would lead me to see the truth about him. He did not care about my emotions, how I felt or my thoughts. He cared about my behavior and what I said to him, and how I behaved towards his friends and the people he respected. How I behaved toward people he disregarded, he could not care less.

    He often bragged about how he was so intelligent and having such insight of thw human psyche. Now I start to understand what he was referring to. Because frankly, the more I have learned about the human psyche as the years have come by, the clearer it has come to me that he actually has less insight than most people. With all respect, he probably DOES HAVE severe narcissistic traits. In such a degree it controls him in his relation to me.
    His goal was to create a daughter that was a success in his world, both allowing him to shine towards the people in his surroundings/his world, at the same time as she was delivering to him all that he craved from her. He raped my soul. I am glad that over a year I have managed to stay in no contact. I am glad that he has given up on me, because that he has stated. I am glad that I am free now, to heal.

    Much love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Lill,

      it is wonderful that you are breaking out of the pain and the confusion and honouring yourself with No Contact.

      A relationship with a narcissist is not healthy, and when you can’t hold boundaries with someone who is abusing you, it is time to say enough.

      Yes, it is a blessing he has ‘given up on you’, many narcs will when they can no longer receive the pandering to the False Self.

      But in no way does this mean life, love and truth has given up on you.

      It is now yours to claim.

      Mel xo

  • Maria.Viveiros@foxtel.com'
    Dilmar
    February 1, 2013

    Hi Mel
    Firstly, you are inspirational. I don’t know that I would have survived until now if I had not stumbled across your internet site.
    I have read all the articles on your site and am going to start Narp shortly. You talk a lot about the N needing N supply and will continue to harvest it at the spouses detriment…however whilst I do believe my ex N was a Narcissist, the bit about the wanting supply is not a quality he displays. He did the discard thing three years ago and although I was the one insisting on No contact – he actually doesn’t want contact and does not attempt to contact me in any way –so he is obeying my resquest – and seems quite happy not to have contact…just wondering if this is a normal reaction…also there is the clothes, new car, wining and dining…
    This particular N discarded me and my 2 girls because I didn’t want to deal and have interation with his family (as I felt they were abusive to me) and he said he can’t leave without “them” and therefore had to leave. But leading up to discarding me, he when an an internet site, abused me by maiming, said I was negative, no-one wanted to be around me and this is why his family don’t like me…is this normal for a N?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Dilamr,

      I am so pleased my material has been able to help you.

      There definetely are narcs who do not keep trying, and truly those ones are a blessing.

      There are several reasons this may happen – the most common..

      1) Other sources of supply
      2) The mask has been pulled down and the narcissist’s damaged True Self fully exposed by the partner.
      3) The partner refuses to serve the False Self and can’t be manipulated anymore into doing so.
      4) The intense fear that the partner has moved on and the narc will be rejected if he or she tries to pursue.
      5)If the narcissist feels that this will create the gravest pain to the partner…(total abandonment).

      Feel fortunate this is your situation, as it is much easier than the narcs that stalk, persist and terrorise…

      Truly…

      Mel xo

  • itznotsamwich@gmail.com'
    jayhaze
    February 1, 2013

    Hi Melanie. Thank you for all of your work on narcissists. My ex, who has been push and pull for three years and blind siding me with accusations of criticizing or attacking if I do so much as say my feelings are hurt or pose a vulnerable question (which inevitably leads to ignoring me or the silent treatment or some other punishment) fits so much the description of someone with NPD. And talking to her is like pounding on a brick wall too high climb. But she doesn’t sleep around. What catches my eye here is the part where you talk about having an audience and smearing. In my confusion and the incredible isolation and fear this experience has caused me, I have vented to people to gain an understanding. She has told me I got my audience and that Inhave smeared her. Could this make me the narcissist? Am I missing something?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Jayhaze,

      you are very welcome!

      Remember this narcissists accuse you of everything they are doing.(Projection of disowned and unhealed parts).

      And any evidence that can be used as ammunition will be….imagine this: an alcoholic has evidence that you got drunk a few times…and states YOU are the alcoholic …all blame is assigned to you.

      This is how narcs operate.

      The interesting thing about this dynamic is that they ‘catch you out’ on all the slips you have done as a result of being caught up in being abused by them..The toxic treatment you received from the narc of course meant you went to people and talked about this person!

      Would this ever have been part of your life if it was not for the abuse?

      If you have integrity you will simply be stating ‘what has happened’ to get support.

      Narcissists do it very differently – they concoct stories, (which sadly they pathologically believe)and these stories are dripping with fabrication, lies, and other sordid details which ironically closely align with their own behaviour.

      And this will also include one sided and exaggerated stories about any ‘dirt’ they have on you.

      She is simply projecting these accusations on to you as to what she does herself – and rest assured your ‘smearing’ is not ‘smearing’ – the very definition being ‘constructing and fabricating untruths in order to destroy a person’s credibility and manipulate others to take umbrage or action against that person’.

      Ask yourself ‘Was that my intention, and what I was doing?’

      If the answer is ‘No’, then you are not a narcissist and you are not smearing.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • itznotsamwich@gmail.com'
    jayhaze
    February 1, 2013

    And also in reading some of the replies…
    There was this time he was behaving really strangely. Almost in a brainwashing type manner. She would get in my face and say really quiet and straightforward, “I may not be happy but I would lay down my life for you and nobody would do that for you so it is something you should be grateful for. You are very lucky.” Then she was holding her head. And I am so isolated now because nobody believes this. Nobody. She is a professor, a mother, she is on TV…she is the most adorable person you could meet outside…super charming. So it was often like a psychothriller and I attempted to record it. But deleted it cuz it felt wrong. But was desperate for some sort of affirmation that im not making this up. Even if i were to see it or she was to see it herself. Does this make me the narc? Am I projecting?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2013

      Hi Jayhaze,

      Narcs do ‘grandstand’, it’s part of the grandoise self, and when they do it feels violating and insidious…it’s certainly does not engender feelings of love, support and tenderness.

      Of course you are meant to be grateful – because according to the narc he or she was your God!

      My love, you have been narc abused – the very question ‘Am I a narc?’ means that you are not – you have been projected on to.

      Narcs do not ask that question, because to admit that to themself would threaten their very omnipotence – except at brief moments of severe narcissitic injury, when the ego is shattered as a result of an enormous life injury.

      And that doesn’t last…

      Your true quest is to know you are not a narc…and work at the deep healing and the reasons as to why you were susceptible to one. Then the pain, the confusion and all the hooks will fall away, and your True Self can emerge…

      That is exactly what this opportunity is presenting you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Dilmar@hotmail.com'
    Dilmar
    February 1, 2013

    Just wanting a view…

  • itznotsamwich@gmail.com'
    jayhaze
    February 2, 2013

    Thank you so much. It is interesting that, in talking about venting vs. smearing, you pointed out that I was just likely stating how it is and precisely what happened. Which, surely, is the type of one on one interaction that happens? The crazy making. I found that during the course of our interactions, I would be stating things that simply happened and sticking to occurrences and my feelings. She would take digs right into the core of me. When I called her out on this or told her her behavior was cold and it hurts, I was the one character stabbing and calling names. And it just always went in circles, getting nowhere. She has had the ability to see me crying and unable to breathe but still crawl on me and shake me and scream in my ear. She has brought me to tears with making me feel like I am constantly on shaky ground with the lack of consistency and she leaves me alone, saying something like “This isn’t no Jerry Springer Show.” She tells me my feelings are criticisms and attacks and goes silent and ignores me for days on end. And everyone loves her. She is charming and adorable so it seems like a psychothriller of sorts. She is a mom of four and a professor, so how could she possibly be so cruel? Before her, I was a free spirit that had no inhibition. I traveled everywhere and wasn’t afraid of anything, had lots of friends. Had great comments on “my energy.” Now I am a hermit most of the time, and when I do talk to people I am horrifically afraid, questioning myself and wondering if they are going to think bad things of me or see something other than my good intent. I have never questioned myself like this before in my life. Ever. I have never been so afraid. Of everyone. And I think this comes from the years of when I spoke, she could take something purely good and okay and make it look awful. Like recently I had told her something was bothering me and I jis had questions. She told me they were criticisms and went on the attack and went digging for “ammo” and “evidence,” taking pictures of comments on my Facebook that mean nothing and sent them to me making them look like they were bad. And my heart start racing in these moments and I think, “oh my gosh. I had no idea. I thought it was sweet. Am I bad?” Things like that. She is 43 and I am 29. I think more people believe her too because she has more of her “life together.” I always fall for when she comes back, pitching perfectly reasonable explanations and doing anything to show her love. And I think it is because it is rare I relate or click with anyone. And we click with each other in those times like no other. and I hope it isn’t just my heart hallucinating it and tha she could make anyone feel that way and say that to anyone. And when things are good it is absolutely incredible. And I love her kids. I still try to spend time with them when she and I are not speaking because they got attached to me and I to them and I could never just cut a child off like they don’t matter. And do all narcissists sleep around? Because surprisingly she hasn’t. My mind is reeling trying to wrap my mind around it all. I don’t want to be a hermit for life. She goes around believing her last ex blocked her because she never got over her but recently someone told me that, while she goes by her personal experience and has only had good experiences with my ex, she is also close friends with her last gf and knows that she was emotional abusive. I see the good and keep naively hoping I might be worth the change. But I see that doesnt happen. And it is the worst heart hurt and play on the mind. Id never wish it on anyone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 2, 2013

      Hi Jayhaze,

      yes there is an enormous difference between venting and smearing.

      As there is with venting and projecting.

      With the crazy making (and it is with a narc), it is not just the simple process of someone having their feelings hurt a little…there may be non-narcs who don’t particulary like hearing something (which is human), but certainly do not go to the pathological and maliscious non-accountable lengths narcs do (which is sub-human)..

      Here is a list of them here, and all narcs do them virtually identically word for word…

      http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder-traits-no-accountability-0

      In regards to sleeping around, please know this – narcs are pathological liars…the fact is if you have no evidence you may never know one way or the other…and you certainly can’t believe what the narcissist professes to you as truth.

      People who could not fathom that a narc would cheat, due to what the narc had always told them re their fidelity, sexual views etc…can be flabergasted when the truth starts to come out. There is many a person after the end of a narc relationship who starts finding out and hearing the truth re sexual infidelity – which just further confirms ‘What you professed to be sexually was a complete fraud’…

      The more clingy, unwilling to send time apart from you…the more the narc will have a tendency to seek supply when you are not about…and is very capable of being conscienceless about it.

      Time to let go and heal my love, you have no control over her disorder, but you can heal you.

      Mel xo

    • juliesewelltranslator@gmail.com'
      Julie
      May 4, 2013

      …”I have never questioned myself like this before in my life. Ever. I have never been so afraid. Of everyone. And I think this comes from the years of when I spoke, she could take something purely good and okay and make it look awful. Like recently I had told her something was bothering me and I jis had questions. She told me they were criticisms and went on the attack and went digging for “ammo” and “evidence,” taking pictures of comments on my Facebook that mean nothing and sent them to me making them look like they were bad. And my heart start racing in these moments and I think, “oh my gosh. I had no idea. I thought it was sweet. Am I bad?” Things like that.”

      Good grief Jay, I could have written that if you change the she to he… the ex did EXACTLY that to me….. if a FEMALE friend told me I looked pretty, he would copy it, paste it, and email it to me in some type of bizarre collage and then tell me I was a “slut” and that I should be ashamed of myself. I actually used to feel bad! Now I look back and think, WTH?

  • kdmain29@gmail.com'
    kenn
    February 2, 2013

    Mel
    thanks for your reply , I have many books that i have read to my search for wholeness. I have “saught councel with psychologist and gained emmense support.
    I want to say to any who reads my reply here that Your help and insight tops all the stuff i have been though , because i believe that You are authentic and real. you have lived what we are going through and only that gives us the “hard one”widom of your experience. I live in grace because of your insight. Thank you so much .

  • tanya_as_self@hotmail.com'
    Tanya Scott
    February 3, 2013

    Hi Melanie, This article sums up my ex to a T. He is the ultimate altrustic narcissist. I am one year clean of my ‘drug’ and have only had contact 3 times where we managed a property settlement and it was done very quickly through our solicitors. He moved on within 3 weeks and as tough as it was – the year from hell, I just knew on a soul development level I had been here with him many lifetimes. I have played out what I needed to play out to break the soul pattern and it’s done. We will never have a relationship like that again and I feel like for the first time in many lifetimes my soul is free. It’s an amazing feeling of inner peace that I have never felt before – this lifetime or any other. I start my Diploma in Past Life Regression next week in Melbourne with Andy Tomlinson and up to 15 others. Now I’m on my soul journey and there is NO turning back or going back EVER. It’s done and I am so grateful for the gift – I can now be my authentic self for the first time. That’s truly exciting. No contact works and so does therapy, gardening, writing, reading, going to Thailand, sitting with self, chanting, meditating, see friends, being alone, rediscovering myself. Thank you. Without this website 12 months ago I truly would have thought I was the one with the PD, toxic, mad, crazy etc. – all of his projections. But I know now I’m not. What a journey it’s been.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 4, 2013

      Hi Tanya,

      It truly has been incredible how many people have related to this article!

      It is very true that a narc experience is many lifetimes worth of unhealed business, that we simply did not ‘get’ in previous lives. Initially we did not let go and honour ourselves to escape the abuse due to awful survival programs – hence our ‘staying.’

      We are so blessed that ‘now’ we can survive, and thrive as sources to ourself away from the narcissist, and attract to us much healthier realities.

      That is so beautiful – the freedom, and I concur, that when we release the fear and pain and the attachments, we truly do transcend to a soul truth of wonderful heights!

      You should be so proud of you, you truly have gained the greatest gift that your soul intended through this experience, which is the claiming of your True Self, and the deep connection to your Soul.

      You have worked hard for this – and deserve every bit of it.

      Joy to you!

      Mel xo

  • elli_rodriguez@aol.com'
    Elli
    February 4, 2013

    Thank you Melanie. This is a particularly good article and it was very helpful reading it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2013

      Hi Elli,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased it has been able to help you.

      Mel xo

  • karendaly157@googlemail.com'
    Karen
    February 4, 2013

    Hi Mel, this is the most frighteningly accurate post I have read to date! It could have been written about my ex! He completely swept me off my feet. Within one month of being with him he was telling people we were “going to be together for a very long time.” He told me how beautiful I was, lavished me with affection, wanted to buy me gifts, told me how proud he was to show me off. I asked him what was wrong with all his previous girlfriends (numerous since his divorce 14 years ago) his response was “not good enough”… his exact words!! I was slightly uneasy with this but at the same time I was flattered that he clearly felt…and stated that, I was “The One”.
    He is outwardly generous, sponsors lunches at his rugby club etc., he likes to show others what a “caring” guy he is. He would become extremely angry if I “embarrassed” him by trying to settle a bill or contribute in front of others, yet he would take money from me in private, and at other times accuse me of not paying my way. So I started to refuse to take anything from him and this annoyed him.
    There are so many examples it’s hard to pick out just a few. It started with things like him asking me; “what would you like to do darling?” I would choose, then later down the line he would come out with comments like “The world has to revolve around Karen” or “Everyone has to do what Karen wants to do.” So I stopped expressing a preference and started saying “I really don’t mind.” This was then met with angry comments such as “Can’t you just make a decision for once? Chief Entertainments officer is taking a day off!”

    Instead of being pleased that I got on well with his friends, he seemed to be threatened by it. Using phrases like “you always have to be the centre of attention” or “the world has to revolve around Karen.” A favourite he used when talking about a previous girlfriend; “If I had an Elephant she would have a box to put it in.” He later said the same about me. Not so at all! He was describing himself! So much of what you describe I relate to. There was so much projection with him. He constantly called me selfish but when I said ok, give me an example, he would say “I can’t think of anything off the top of my head…I’ll write it down next time.” I would drop everything if he needed help but he was never there for me. All the little things I did for him were overlooked. His time frames had to be observed at all times. God help me if I was 10 minutes late but he would keep me waiting hours.
    People that have known him for years asked me what I was doing with him. They told me he was an idiot who treated women badly. I recently found out that he mistreated his ex-wife. She eventually cracked and rejected him although I am told that she, like me, still loved him when she threw him out. It became apparent to me that he had issues but I made excuses and allowances for him. He was adopted, when I asked him about his birth mother he dismissed it quickly saying he had “no interest” in her and that she’d “done him a favour.”
    Toward the end he withdrew from me physically. I craved affection and sex but he began to withhold both and constantly told me he didn’t trust me and that I was “keeping secrets” from him. I thought that if I could just prove to him I loved him, his insecurities would fade away. Instead, the harder I tried, the more he treated me with contempt. Saying mine was a “fickle” kind of love. I was with him for 2 years, by the end of which I was in a state of total confusion and not knowing what hit me. I ended it just before Christmas but then I tried to apologise and take it back in another attempt to make him “get it.” He refused to speak to me. He has discarded me completely and is already seeing an ex-girlfriend. (She only lasted around 6 weeks the first time so she has no idea yet what’s coming!)
    I have been in an internal hell, not functioning and unable to motivate myself. I can’t sleep and I have no appetite. I’ve been signed off work since Christmas and am on medication. I have always struggled with wondering if he really was/is NPD or was it me? I have downloaded the NARP. I will start the Quanta Freedom Healing Programme soon. I am trying to pick myself up. This latest post has helped a lot but the self doubt still creeps in and it’s going to take a while for it to go. With your help and the help of my friends and family hopefully I will get there.
    Thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      I am glad you related, and this article has been able to grant you clarity.

      The level of projection is horrendous with narcs, and truly the truth is no matter what you did or didn’t do the narcissist is always going to find some way to abuse you and blame you for how he is feeling (his unhealed parts and torment), and of course make out these ‘parts’ are ‘you’.

      Hence the ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t’.

      Narcs cannot be happy…they simply do not have the inner peace and self-love to be so.

      I know how powerfully you will be able to re-claim and re-create yourself once you start accessing the deep healing in NARP.

      Please – for you make this your highest mission to find, release and transform your pain – and truly you will break free into a higher expression of you than you could ever previously believe possible.

      It does take intense work, and intense commitment, however it is SO worth it.

      What is necessary is getting out of trying to work it out through your mind, and starting working it through on your ‘deep inner’.

      That’s the only place that real change, relief and healing does take place.

      Lots of love, support and hugs.

      Mel xo

  • karendaly157@googlemail.com'
    Karen
    February 4, 2013

    Hi Mel, this is the most frighteningly accurate post I have read to date! It could have been written about my ex! He completely swept me off my feet. Within one month of being with him he was telling people we were “going to be together for a very long time.” He told me how beautiful I was, lavished me with affection, wanted to buy me gifts, told me how proud he was to show me off. I asked him what was wrong with all his previous girlfriends (numerous since his divorce 14 years ago) his response was “not good enough”… his exact words!! I was slightly uneasy with this but at the same time I was flattered that he clearly felt…and stated that, I was “The One”.
    He is outwardly generous, sponsors lunches at his rugby club etc., he likes to show others what a “caring” guy he is. He would become extremely angry if I “embarrassed” him by trying to settle a bill or contribute in front of others, yet he would take money from me in private, and at other times accuse me of not paying my way. So I started to refuse to take anything from him and this annoyed him.
    There are so many examples it’s hard to pick out just a few. It started with things like him asking me; “what would you like to do darling?” I would choose, then later down the line he would come out with comments like “The world has to revolve around Karen” or “Everyone has to do what Karen wants to do.” So I stopped expressing a preference and started saying “I really don’t mind.” This was then met with angry comments such as “Can’t you just make a decision for once? Chief Entertainments officer is taking a day off!”

    Instead of being pleased that I got on well with his friends, he seemed to be threatened by it. Using phrases like “you always have to be the centre of attention” or “the world has to revolve around Karen.” A favourite he used when talking about a previous girlfriend; “If I had an Elephant she would have a box to put it in.” He later said the same about me. Not so at all! He was describing himself! So much of what you describe I relate to. There was so much projection with him. He constantly called me selfish but when I said ok, give me an example, he would say “I can’t think of anything off the top of my head…I’ll write it down next time.” I would drop everything if he needed help but he was never there for me. All the little things I did for him were overlooked. His time frames had to be observed at all times. God help me if I was 10 minutes late but he would keep me waiting hours. People that have known him for years asked me what I was doing with him. They told me he was an idiot who treated women badly. I recently found out that he mistreated his ex-wife. She eventually cracked and rejected him although I am told that she, like me, still loved him when she threw him out. It became apparent to me that he had issues but I made excuses and allowances for him. He was adopted, when I asked him about his birth mother he dismissed it quickly saying he had “no interest” in her and that she’d “done him a favour.”
    Toward the end he withdrew from me physically. I craved affection and sex but he began to withhold both and constantly told me he didn’t trust me and that I was “keeping secrets” from him. I thought that if I could just prove to him I loved him, his insecurities would fade away. Instead, the harder I tried, the more he treated me with contempt. Saying mine was a “fickle” kind of love. I was with him for 2 years, by the end of which I was in a state of total confusion and not knowing what hit me. I ended it just before Christmas but then I tried to apologise and take it back in another attempt to make him “get it.” He refused to speak to me. He has discarded me completely and is already seeing an ex-girlfriend. (She only lasted around 6 weeks the first time so she has no idea yet what’s coming!)
    I have been in an internal hell, not functioning and unable to motivate myself. I can’t sleep and I have no appetite. I’ve been signed off work since Christmas and am on medication. I have always struggled with wondering if he really was/is NPD or was it me? This latest post has helped a lot. I have purchased the NARP. I am trying to pick myself up but the self doubt still creeps in and it’s going to take a while for it to go. With your help and the help of my friends and family hopefully I will get there.
    Thank you x

  • cbsgang@bigpond.com'
    claire
    February 5, 2013

    I was with a narcissist for 23 years. I left him three years ago but still struggle with releasing the chains of a very controlling marriage. He was defined by money so i was financially abused while he paid for a house which he wouldnt put my name on the titles and then said if you ever try to take half you will end up in a wheel chair. I went into labour with my daughter at 26 weeks but he refused to take me to the hospital because he was working,my mum had to take me and then he was too tired that night to come and visit. He proffessed to love me and would often say I was the love of his life except his actions always spoke louder and thus i felt like i was a boarder doing cooking and cleaning duties,I had a hair cut and he wouldnt speak to me for three days because he didnt like it. he never understood how friends could possibly have any thing nicer than him as no one worked as hard as him.I recently have tried to get a restraining order as he intimidates me with his rifles and claims he works for the bikies and intimidates with that kind of talk however i had insufficient evidence to support i am fearful for my life. he paid cash for a boat $120 ooo ( all above board with his own business)however i was pinching money from my sons piggy bank to get bread and milk at times as he would take all the money out of the bank and put in the safe, he took everything away from me slowly but when i saw him start on my children and try and poison their minds against me i left. I have to work extremly hard with my children as emotionally they have been affected and i watch them behave with him just as i did. they always try and keep the peace and if the kids so much as dont answer a question with enthusiasm he wont speak to them for a day or two. they are constantly having to tell him they love him and it is heart breaking, My son said mum you will never get rid of him , he will always hate you now and want revenge. we havnt finalise settlement yet and this is making him manic. He recently sent me a text suggesting suicide of which i took as gospel and had half of perth as well as the police looking for him but he turned up at rottnest on the boat with his girlfriend . I just want to move on and be free of him but struggle to deal with the anger and frustration he brings. i try to take back my power but he reinvents ways to press my buttons. Happiness is my goal as it will be the greatest revenge.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2013

      Hi Claire,

      Yes, you truly have been through an awful time.

      It is so importnat to heal past these feelings, and the poison and toxicity it creates..

      This is so importnat for the wellbeing and healing of your children as well.

      You have to lead the way…

      Claire when we do this, when we commit to the inner healing, everything changes.

      The narcissist leaves your life, and you claim the truth, direction and creation of your real life.

      It has to start at an inner level (because this is where all of your life is created from).

      I truly hope you take this essential ‘journey of self’ – because you need to be your own liberator.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • boldlywritten@gmail.com'
    Talloolah
    February 5, 2013

    Hi Melanie:

    I’m not sure if this is the right place for this post … my apologies if there’s a more appropriate place. I just needed to reach out for some support.

    I tried to purchase the NARP program today and for some reason the transaction won’t process. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in Canada and the international purchase is a problem? I know there is room on my credit for this. I tried the purchase three times. I’ve been reading here for two months now, and as the debilitating feelings aren’t abating with all the mental work, I know it is time to dig deeper into the heart/cell/soul work. If there’s any insight you can offer here to help me process the NARP transaction I’d be most grateful.

    I was with my Rebound N for four years. I knew him for 21 days — he was a newly acquainted friend of our family — before my marriage of 18 years suddenly ended overnight when my N husband admitted his physical and emotional infidelity dating back at least 14 years. (I would later find a journal in his handwriting that made me suspect the shortage of loyalty went back to when we were still dating.)

    Now that I’ve learned what I have about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my own Relationship and People Pleasing Addictions, I see the history here was such a textbook case of vulnerability meeting opportunity. I am dearly devoted now to healing. Just having the accurate information is already so healing: for so long I thought I was just a person who didn’t fit in this world. Since the Ns in my life, (and I see now a long history of NPD relationships with a mother and then every intimate love partner …) seem to get along so well, while I seem always to suffer, I just thought, to get by with ease in the world, I would have to become like them. And that seemed an impossible task, nevermind that I simply didn’t want to live if survival was dependent on becoming cold and heartless.

    Two months after spending what I would later learn was our last weekend together, I ran into my Rebound N at a public event. He was harsh, and warned me if I didn’t leave immediately, he would make things embarrassing for me. I left. Three months later, I ran into him again. We talked. I drove him home. He invited me in. We talked. He yelled. I cried. We had sex.

    I knew better Melanie! I had maintained No Contact since first being exposed to the existence of NPD and Narcissistic Abuse early in December. The Rebound N attempted many manipulations by texting me and e-mailing my friends to re-hook me. Because I’ve learned, through you Melanie, the pathology of these attempts to mine Narcissistic Supply for himself had nothing to do with a heartfelt melancholy perhaps similar to what I was feeling, (which is what I used to assume during other periods of “space” he needed in the previous tumultuous four years) I was steadfast in not responding in any way except to ask my friends not to engage him when he would try to goal me through them. Then I saw him, and he was sweet and apologetic and (falsely/superfically) appropriately remorseful for his heartless behaviour. I got sucked into the sweetness … and I still feel my own feelings of love for him! My feelings were not pathological, were not abusive and using nor a way to mine affirmations for a false self: I truly loved him.

    So I made a mistake. I let myself get used, once again, by a man who sees me as nothing greater or less than a living mannequin who can, at his command, meet his egomaniacal psychopathic need for that Grade A Narcissistic Supply he knows I’m great for in the forms sexual gratification and heartfelt compassion for the shitshow he’s making of his life since he disposed of me and the home we built together.

    I made a mistake. Though my mind knew better, I made a mistake. Now it’s been over a week, and there’s been no further contact. Whatever it is he’s feeling or not feeling in response to our meeting, I’m feeling hollow and stupid and embarrassed and ashamed and once again so incredibly lonely.

    This is how it’s gone since he left almost six months ago: I get on with my life, meeting up with old and new friends, making my music, meeting my writing deadlines, being a mom, paying the rent … fairly well for a week or few … until the melancholy and sadness creeps over me again and then it feels like a fight for my life.

    Honestly, I feel pathetic writing this. No one in my real world would believe how very low I go in these waves. My kids see it though. And they’ve seen enough of my crying. I HAVE to get past this. You speak of the true freedom you’ve achieved and Melanie I want that to! I’m doing all the steps … the No Contact, reading here almost every day, working through the Quanta Freedom Healing you’ve got posted publicly on Youtube, participating in a bunch of other healing modalities and workshops … I’ve written about them here before. I know I haven’t gotten to the core cellular healing you’re talking about yet. I want it. I want the liberation! Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so desperately sad right now if I could have just gotten that NARP transaction to work. I’ll try again tomorrow.

    I know this is getting long; I apologize. I also picked up my three sons yesterday — my ex N husband and I share time with them, half the week with him, half with me. The transitions are always conflict-inducing with my eldest son who is 13: I believe he is at HIGH risk of developing a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He repeats the name calling, blaming, entitled, remorseless behaviour toward me he’s watched his father mete out. It breaks my heart. I want to intervene with love and compassion here for him: it will simply gut me if my first born child manifests NPD in his own life. As his father is in complete denial about his own NPD, (though he gleefully sees all the ways I’m right about my Rebound N’s NPD) half of my children’s parenting time is with a role model who models and teaches what I’m trying to undo in the other half time.

    Any advice you or others can share will be received with gratitude. I want the greatest revenge, the life well lived. How can I be so high functioning in all the visible ways in the world and so broken inside? And how can I survive this through to the real peace you describe? I am truly reaching out here, and truly doing everything I know to do. I know there is much I don’t know.

    • boldlywritten@gmail.com'
      Talloolah
      February 5, 2013

      I’m sorry this was so long …

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2013

      Hi Talloolah,

      Okay first of all can you please check with your bank, sometimes there can be a block on o/s purchases. Your bank should be able to advise.

      If this is not the problem then someone in the office can speak to you on skype and we will try to order NARP for you at this end.

      It is great that you have been able to reflect in and do the essential self – humility (always the first step to healing), and know that you wish to heal.

      Yes, it is awful when we ‘sell our soul’ and re-hook. This can easily happen when we have not as yet done the healing on ourselves that requires his validation and approval (instead of being a source to that ourself)- and have not as yet cleared the inner programs within us which are still attached to trying ‘fix’ these disastrous relationships.

      When these aspects are healed, the vulnerability no longer exists, nor does the pain and the addiction.

      It’s fabulous you want that liberation!

      In regard to your son, when you empower you, you will be in a much better position to lay boundaries – and that is what will be necessary with your son.

      Please access earlier articles on my blog about ‘Healing Our Children’…because you trying to ‘love’ your son through this with compassion is only going to reward bad behaviour. Healthy boundaries are going to be the most appropriate way you can love him.

      But please make your healing mission the highest priority and then your healthy boundaries will start coming to the fore.

      Please let me know if you have any further difficulties in ordering NARP so that I can set up a skype call for you to help you get your order through, and know you will be able to email directly on NARP to gain my support.

      Mel xo

      • boldlywritten@gmail.com'
        Talloolah
        February 5, 2013

        Thank you Mel. I have spoken with my credit card company tonight and will try the purchase again tomorrow. I read every word you write. In many ways your information is the only lifeline I’m holding on to right now. Thank you for the support. It has been a very bad two days. I will work on making tomorrow a better one.

  • andrewkowalski9@hotmail.com'
    Andrew
    February 6, 2013

    I see alot of people wondering how people they are in a relationship with can be so heartless by just cutting them off.I would just like to offer a perspective because narcississm is a spectrum and we all have some in us and I think the ammount of narcississm we have is in direct proportion to the depth our problems run. Melanie has mentioned that the destructive patterns are hardwired into our brains and I agree.The point I am coming to is where and why we learn these destructive patterns,and I beleive that they are learned in the womb.The statistics show that at least 1 in 10 pregnancys begin as twins and usually at some point one of the twins will die.If a baby dies in the womb all of a sudden through mother having an accident, it will set up a pattern in the surviving twin but it would be a totally different pattern than if one of the twins starved to death through a lack of resources, because mum was not eating enough.If that happens It sets up a pattern in the surviving twin that their survival was dependent on someone elses death, and as 2 souls coming into the womb full of love for eachother , the love soon turned into a battle for survival which meant that the surviving twin was faced with a double bind and it had to learn how to block empathy inorder to survive.Without any awareness the original situation that established the pattern will recapitulate until it can be healed.I think that the men most likely to be narcissitic are the men who lost a twin sister,which means that mum does not take the rap any longer so there is no need to hate mum or project the hate onto other women , but there is a deep loss to be healed.

  • chrisw62@myfairpoint.net'
    Christine
    February 6, 2013

    It totally amazes me that so many women have been captured and then escaped the hands of a narcissist…including me. I had heard the word narcissist but had no idea what it truly meant until I became involved with one. There were lots of red flags very early on but I had no clue what I was in for. Luckily, after 9 months and my kids, family, and friends begging me, I walked. He was and still is (when he doesn’t have another woman in his clutches) trying to lure me back in. He’s relentless! What he doesn’t know is that I now know who he really is and that is a heartless being with no soul or conscience. I’m the one who came out on top in this relationship. I have one question/concern. I feel this overwhelming need and responsibility to warn these other women that fall for him. Do we as survivors have some responsibility to try and warn these women?

  • sharniperry@hotmail.com'
    Ellie
    February 6, 2013

    Ive read each account and am so inspired by the human spirit. Each of you are loved, valuable, wanted and CAN shift this pain to become whole, healthy and live wonderful lives. I was once married to a dangerously disordered man. It almost cost me my life, until I was broken, had a nervous breakdown and knew my life was going to end, either by my own hands or his. It truly was horrific. At the time this programme was unavailable however I was so broken I turned inward….my heart became my best friend. I would become still, feel my heart beating and thank it for loving me, guiding me and supporting me. From there I found my way to meditation, yoga and the liberation that comes from loving the self. My spiritual journey began and its been wonderful. These days I give thanks to the man who bought me this lessons. If he hadnt been so cruel I might have continued disowning the unhealed parts of myself and certainly would not be living the joyous life I was meant to live. Mels quite right, if it wasnt him it would have been someone else….the universe never gets it wrong and will align you with your vibrational match.I truly think the human spirit, source energy is loving and wonderful. Melanie your responses are truly kind, thoughtful and considerate and the wisdom you share does work! Truly,look to the self, find those unhealed parts and ask them what they have to tell you. Your fantastic life is waiting.

    Much love to all x

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    February 7, 2013

    Hi everyone, I highly recommend NARP especially during an episode of feeling anxious, stressed, sad and any other negative emotion you may experience at the time, to get straight in and shift it out. Believe me, like many of you I have the same story. Near death, fear, not wanting to live and total despair and confusion. Nothing was working for me and recently I have been through even more devastation (not involving the narc) but other reasons. For NARP to be truly effective, you must go into the pain and fully feel the pain to then shift it to be clear. It works on all levels of pain, but best when the pain is in the current moment. I had a very bad week, where I did something kind for someone, a neighbour, who had neglected their cat, as it was turning up on my doorstep wanting food and looked mangey and thin. I took care of it, got it back to health and looked after it. Even spent money on the little cat to be vet checked. The owners had been away and just left it. When they returned (not to my knowledge). Long story….she was taken away from me and I was the worst person on the planet to them. Anyway I was treated badly for doing the right thing and the anxiety at the time was horrific and I was feeling incredibly sad. So I did NARP while feeling completely broken and the next day I was feeling ok, content and knowing I did a good thing, regardless of what others thought. There was no thank you or anything, but I accepted it as that is just the way some people are. Just like Narcs are narcs because that is what they are.

    Truly everyone there are answers and once you dig into yourself and find what creates the patterns in your life that are not serving you, and do the work needed to bring yourself home to you, life just works. xx

  • anna@thewellbeingclinic.co.nz'
    Anna
    February 7, 2013

    I have just purchased the NARP program and cannot wait to start using it. Reading this article was a godsend as I was just starting to doubt my judgement of him and this clearly showed me I was not wrong at all. Thank you. I left my Narc 2 years ago (although he maintains he did that!)after a couple of years of abuse and infidelity and SO many lies! My major is that we have a 3 year old that we share custody of and it is so difficult to trust that he will care for him appropriately when he has him which keeps me “in the loop”. He has just met another woman and I also met her recently. It was like meeting myself! I realised then that he will have a string of woman who will be tossed aside and my son will have to deal with this. I’m hoping the program can help me to reconcile all of these feelings as I am very clear I no longer want a relationship with the narc but unfortunately am bound to him for life.

  • Wayne.geizer@bellaliant.net'
    gman
    February 8, 2013

    WOW!!!

    Thanks so much for the info, I have suspected for a while that NPD was a shortcoming of my partner, this info definately seals it. Im coming out of a 20+ year marriage with her. Its very hard, we have children home and she agreed to leave. Very difficult, i feel very concerned for her, but have been trying very hard not to have any more contact with her than absolutely necesary as we still have alot of parenting ahead of us. I find it very conflicting to be around her as i still care very deeply about her well being, but i could not let her treat our children and myself with such callous disregard. Thank you so much for the info and a quick question: Is thier a way to tell if a person is a compulsive liar or a NPD? Im not sure. Any way I have a positive way out for now and I am definately focusing on myself so i can better take care of my family. A big shout out and thank you from myself and my fam 🙂 🙂

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    February 9, 2013

    Thank you all for these posts! As for things being hardwired from the womb, I have great news for you! DNA can be changed! Read any of Bruce Lipton’s books for starters. Read as many of Melanie’s blogs and posts as you can. You cannot fix others; only yourself. GMan, of course you care about her well-being, but right now you have to work on you and being a good parent to your kids. As for the difference between a compulsive liar and a narc, why split hairs? Both are bad, and very oftenly a narc is a compulsive liar.

  • globetrottersue@gmail.com'
    Denise
    February 15, 2013

    My thanks to everyone who has posted here, and my sincere best wishes to everyone struggling to overcome a relationship with a narcissist.

    Yesterday, I broke off with my N, realizing that he will never change his behaviors or tactics.

    He came into my life 5 years ago when I was on the rebound from a divorce after a 20+ year marriage. We dated for 2 years of highs and lows, during which time he was highly manipulative and controlling, but declaring that I was the love of my life. He pushed me to move in with him and ended things without explanation when I wouldn’t. I told him I wasn’t ready to do that.

    The entire time I suspected him of cheating with an old girlfriend, whom he claimed to be “helping find a job”. He was secretive about messages from her, and once took a phone call from her when I was there — lying to her about where he was.

    If I questioned him he became verbally abusive and would refuse to talk to me for days on end. He’d tell me only to visit him on the weekends, and would then go out of town on the weekends.

    I’d never heard of NPD until after he left me, and it was as if everything was explained when I started to learn about the disorder. Until that time I thought I was going crazy!

    For several years after the break-up, he would occaisionally contact me. Mostly I ignored the messages, but finally I replied in the hope of gaining closure (which I never had).

    I agreed to have lunch with him and was anxious for days before and after. He was kind and charming. I agree to another lunch a week later, and so on for a month. The entire time I felt anxious. My subconscious was sending me messages. I should have listened!

    It was about that time that he mentioned that he had a “roomate” but didn’t love her. She couldn’t support herself and needed his help. He seemed surprised when I guessed (correctly) that it was the same woman that I suspected him of cheating on me with. He’s 60 years old, has a good job and nice house, and is 3 times divorced.

    He said from the outset that he will not leave her. I’m the “other woman”. Well, I won’t take on that role. I respect myself more than that. And, I respect his current girlfriend — even though she was cheating with him beind my back. I won’t stoop that low.

    I thought he wanted a second chance with me, but he only wanted to use again for affirmation and sex.

    Thank God I was able (belatedly) to say “no” and have told him I will not see him again. We cannot remain friends.

    I will remind myself that the illusion of a life with him that I imagined was just that: an ILLUSION.

    He is not a real person.

    He has no feelings toward me, other than needing to USE ME as a supply.

    He is incapable of love, and probably considers me a fool for thinking in terms of loving someone.

    I’m OK with that.

    Reading the comments of others, here, has given me strength and hope – and I wish you all the same. Break the cycle now.
    Do it for yourselves. You deserve better!

    Be well,
    Denise

    That was four months ago, and I’ve felt myself being sucked back into his web of deceit. He’s lying to his roomate-girlfriend to see me, and only wants me for sex.

  • africa21@tpg.com.au'
    tanya
    February 18, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    You have described almost perfectly my ex N whom I split with 8 months ago. So gorgeous but at times so cruel.
    I have been doing really well in healing myself despite missing him terribly
    ( why???) until recently when we had contact for about 2 months by text/email. Then,after that time, he informed me that he had met someone else( 4 weeks ago)& that “he & F…. were getting on really well” & “he was so sad at how things might pan out”. So he felt it best to not resume our friendship at this stage out of respect for F…. (after he had initiated contact of course)but “you are such a beautiful friend and will always have a special place in my heart. I’m here if you need me.”.
    I know that I must go back to strict “no contact” as this has all set me back months & I suspect he will feel the need to tell me if he gets engaged/married/breaks up etc.

    My question is 1) Is it best to send a letter or email to tell him ” I want no more contact forever & I will not read or respond to any communication” or 2) Just try & forget he exists (hard when still grieving)and ignore any future contact from him. My gut feeling is that if I don’t do 1) then I’ll always be waiting,knowing he’s likely to be in touch eventually even if it’s just to make sure I’m still here.
    I’d like to know your thoughts.
    Thanks!

  • lydiah.njihia@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 22, 2013

    everything in this article is true, i wasted 2yrs with one i knew something was wrong from the beginning he had a string of close female friends who he used to buy gifts and do favours to them which used to really hurts me and he could make new ones, he had no boundaries when dealing with women he could flirt touch their waste in front of me, he could hold his cousin grown female in his arm interlock hands in front of me and when i point out what he is doing is inappropriate he could become so defensive and humiliate me infront of them. i thank God i finally got courage to move on am still healing inside, i had lost my self esteem i felt worthless, everytime i would complain about his female friends he used to say am just being petty…….when i look back now i just feel so stupid for standing those humiliation and behaviors. NB he is the most generous person i have ever seen.

  • lydiah.njihia@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 22, 2013

    verything in this article is true, i wasted 2yrs with one i knew something was wrong from the beginning he had a string of close female friends who he used to buy gifts and do favours to them which used to really hurts me and he could make new ones, he had no boundaries when dealing with women he could flirt touch their waist in front of me, he could hold his cousin grown female in his arm interlock hands in front of me and when i point out what he is doing is inappropriate he could become so defensive and humiliate me infront of them. i thank God i finally got courage to move on am still healing inside, i had lost my self esteem i felt worthless, everytime i would complain about his female friends he used to say am just being petty…….when i look back now i just feel so stupid for standing those humiliation and behaviors. NB he is the most generous person i have ever seen.i now understand coz he was never raised by his mum when young, we never had any emotional connection.

  • lydiah.njihia@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 22, 2013

    i forgot to tell you that when i went back to him after offcourse a silent treatment from him he acted so emotional and said he was not in position to talk and from then i decided to move on only to hear that he is dating another lady after two weeks which he also told my sister and telling her how he is happy and over me. i thought i was insane the whole relationship. he is now spreading rumors to people that am so insecure and crazy.

  • duaabbasrizvi@gmail.com'
    D.A
    March 4, 2013

    Dear Melanie, I’m a 25-years-old female from Pakistan who just got out of a 3-years-long relationship with a Narc (we were engaged the whole of the final year). I’m highly grateful to you for helping me identify the signs of NPD and assuring me that I wasn’t going insane or overreacting. You see, in a society as conservative as ours, girls are told that they must keep sacrificing themselves in order to honour a marriage contract, even if they have nothing left of themselves by the end. I was extremely fortunate in having parents who believed in me and backed me up and advised me to heed my gut feeling about the guy, even if the feeling was very, very bad. I didn’t want to get married because I knew things would only get worse. I tried getting him to agree with me on going to couples’ therapy but he would make an excuse every time. Anyway, I finally had enough of the on/off pattern, the nerve-shattering, never-ending alternations of the madly-in-love weeks and the neglectful/apathetic/being-by-myself-for-ambiguous-reasons weeks. I just have one question about something that bothered me even when I was in the relationship. He always seemed to treat his female friends and acquaintances differently than he treated me. For example, if he and I were alone and I made a joke, he would often just glare at me, forcing me to justify why I had made that joke or forcing me to grow quiet. But outside, no matter how silly or loud or giddy a girl was, he would smile good-naturedly and even laugh with the others. He would also shut me up if I ever got talkative in private but I gradually started noticing that ALL his female friends/acquaintances were loquacious and high-pitched girls. I wanted to ask you if this was just an example of hypocrisy in his behaviour or a common sign of NPD. Thanks! And much love.

    • psulzman@yahoo.com'
      Phil Sulzman
      September 27, 2015

      I know she has NPD. I was married to it for 19 years and she left me and two kids before I figured it out. The Altruistic article was the missing piece I’ve been looking for. This site is very helpful.

      Thanks,

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 5, 2013

    Hi D.A,

    I am sorry I can’t donate a lot of time to your post, as it is difficult for me to go backa nd answer older posts (time constraints)..

    Yes absolutely this is narc behaviour. Think of this – the narc’s all-consuming quest is to get narc supply – be adored, and granted ‘attention’ – and ‘outsiders’ provide a wonderful source of this – so yes of course he is going to be pleasant, friendly and ‘join in’…you were the source that had let down his False Self, not appeased it enough and therefore were punished by him for not doing so…

    He doesn’t care in any shape or form about ‘the sort of girl’ someone is, all he cares about is getting narcissistic supply.

    Hence ‘street angel / home devil’.

    I hope this helps

    Mel xo

  • avanelgort@yahoo.com'
    butch
    March 11, 2013

    Thank you for your very direct and descriptive posts on narcissism. Much of your knowledge has been greatly helpful to me during my time of healing from a narcissistic relationship. I do, however, have a question for you. When you talk about altruistic narcissists, which I for one was involved with, if they exhibit these traits with their friends; the generosity, feigned compassion, caring, attentiveness, etc. then how are these people going to ever see the true nature of the narcissist? I certainly would value a friend that was generous and caring and loving, and if all those elements were present then I would be getting everything I need from the relationship and I would not feel like something was amiss. Is there a moment even in the friendships that the narcissist shows the true self? There has to be a point where the friend doesn’t follow the protocol of the narcissist. Am I correct? It sounds as if those who face abuse in the hands of the altruistic narcissist will not be seen for what they endured, which I am aware does happen due to the smear campaigns begun long before the end of the relationship alone. It also sounds as if the only people who will truly know our suffering are the ones whom are chosen for “intimate” relationships with the narcissist, the ones who inevitably get discarded.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 11, 2013

    Hi Butch,

    you are very welcome.

    Many people who are source for an AN will not see the traits…these people are not a challenge to the narc – and this is why they are ‘supply’…

    If they were to object to the narcs opinions strongly they would see the narc react – but generally a narc will not pick those types of people to be involved in for ‘friendship supply’.

    Also the narc loves having people in his or her life who can adminsiter supply ‘from the past’ – talk about ‘the glory days’ or the narcissist’s previous accomplishments. This is important to the narcissist if present supply (‘look at me’ accomplishments) are not working out too well – and the narc will maintain these friendships frenetically to keep tapping into previous acclaim and notoriety.

    Correct it is within intimate relationships that the mask truly slips..

    Mel xo

  • execvjdj@hotmail.com'
    V
    March 11, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I believe I am a NPD victim also and these stories above (though I have not read them all otherwise I would be here for days lol) have helped me understand what I always wanted to understand, in which I can’t understand someone who is not really like me and doesn’t possess what I do – a heart that can love and feel for ppl.

    I have recently stopped seeing who I thought was the love of my life, my heart and the one I wanted to marry and experience life with and the father of our 3mth old son. I met him roughly 5yrs ago now and became sexually involved with him very fast and although he never wanted to give me the label of girlfriend (what was all I wanted and to be his one and only blah blah blah) I kept falling for his lies and charm etc like many I have read have done. My story is messy and I do know and believe now that my inability of attracting a good guy to love and care for me is because of my past childhood wounds which I am yet to be healed from. I would like to if possible set-up a one on one time with you for the Quanta Freedom Healing, as I was unable to concentrate with your radio clip, but I am keen to give it a go again one on one.

    Like others, I wish to share my story as we have similar experiences but the N seems to differ in characteristics from other N’s but yes still a AN. The N in my life was an ex of one of my good highschool friends, who I have lost friendship with but believe we can rekindle that friendship once I am healed and share with her this info about N and the actual and reality of the disease. Anywho yup my friend had broken up with the N (well what I knew of, as she was seen with a new beau) and he was heartbroken etc and I was someone he must have seen as a new supply as I was nice and caring towards him. Long story short, I got caught in his web of entrapment, entrancement and spell and still feel the effects today. My case was that I was already a mess (but didn’t know I was then) after I walked out on a 7yr relationship with the father of my first son (who is 12 now) because of his own personal problems, mind games and alcohol abuse that got out of hand sometimes also. After that relationship I wanted to be free but internally I wasn’t and I guess I was looking for love again fast in all the wrong places and yup sure enough found it!! the encounters obviously didnt last and more and more I got rejected I didn’t care too much for myself and obviously others at the time!! With the N, he came back in to my life after declaring his love for me etc and showing he cared (and I thought he was fo real this time and really giving me the time of day and saw past my flaws etc – which incidentally I didn’t think very highly of maself and appearance etc and I was suffering from bad terrible acne – which thanks be to God has cleared up now and also of my past!!)So yup at the time he came back, I was probably at my all time lowest and through preaching prayer and introducing me to Jesus, scriptures and love etc, in a way he was the light I needed to save me, as I was also encountering torment spiritually, but he wasn’t the reason for my salvation I know it was God, but God chose him cos I was such a hard nut to crack and cos of his influence on me, that is how it happened.

    But I have lost contact with a lot of my friends in the mean time and family (through my own distancing from them and defending him) and myself including!! He has 6 children (we know of) dispersed around to 4 different women (i’m one of them), He is still living with the mother of his 3 children now, whom his youngest is the same age as our son (go figure!! lol) All the women in his life are pretty muj at his beckoned call (before coming to the realisation that this is what he is – incapable of love – I was one of them at his beckoned call and took orders etc) Same deal he shot us up and shot us down which confused and headf*d with us more!!!

    The woman he is living with (who has become my friend now) is soo broken, over it, spiritually and emotionally depleted in energy and just wants him out!! His children are afraid of him cos of his temper and anger at times taking it out on the mother and them.

    Whilst I was also the one on the side allowing him to come into my life, my house, my bed and my heart entranced thinking he wanted to be with me but he was there for his children!! On top of that he had a girlfriend for the last 6 mths, whilst he was still seeing me etc and when confronted about her, lied and still to this day thinks he did nothing wrong, whilst even coming here to me and telling me he broke up with his girlfriend and how f*n empty he felt etc yet lured me in yet again and we slept with eachother…

    But an awakening dawned on me that this was not love thanks to my brother who shared a link re NPD and I was just totally gobsmacked!!! and thinking about all the other things yup it clearly shows he is str8 up Narc and he does not do things out of the goodness of his heart but for his supply to nurture his fake ego!! He is mean, abusive emotionally, physically and spiritually and yup we still wanted to be with him?!??! Why the f* for is beyond me!!! I know I can’t be myself around him and it seems any form of contact I have with him leaves me dumbfounded and lost!! I am over this and it has destroyed my inner being too much, myself and my ppls – in particular my sons and my eldest at that, who has watched his mum spiral in and out of peace, anger, confusion, frustration, lost-mindedness, hurt etc!!!

    Thankyou for this awakening and thanks be to God for you:-) God bless ox

  • php_user@yahoo.com'
    Don
    March 13, 2013

    I find myself in the minority, I am married to a female narcissist. After countless therapy and marriage counselor sessions, we are getting a divorce. I found your site and Dr. Sam Vaknins site more helpful to understand her actions and mine.

    I see her as a person with a long, unhealed inner self. She is a narcissist who devalues/puts down, takes advantage of me.I have been told by several counselors that she has had a major childhood trauma that she will not discuss nor address.

    We both had weightlodd surgery, and I lost most of my weight, she lost all of hers. She was borderline overweight, I was 180 lbs overweight. I am down 160, and have spent years at the gym 5-7 days a week, diets, braces, and lately, plastic surgery to remove the remaining skin around my waist after my weight loss. I found out 2 years ago she was about to, already did, cheat on me with her exboyfriend (we have been married 10 years now). I confronted her with the proof, she said “nothing happened yey.” And then 2 weeks after my sister died of lung cancer, she told me she didnt love me anymore, and wanted a divorce. Fast forward to now (almost 2 years later). We finally have a contract on our house (after being on the market 9 months). She has a temp job, and a part-time job (she has had and lost 6 jobs in 5 years and has not worked fulltime for more than a few months). We can just get by with 2 seperate households after we sell our house, and still be able to get by and support our 2 children.

    I am being long winded but needed a place to tell my story where it would be understood, and not criticized.

    I look forward to spending a LOT of time on your site and reading the others who are going through the healing process like I am now.

  • brenie_5651@yahoo.com'
    Brenda
    March 19, 2013

    I have run out of energy trying to deal with a 74 year old child. I am 61 and life is too short for this type of nonsense. I have given up and I am filing for divorce after an injunction is filed against his vast estate. He is a very poor man because all he has is money.

  • cmartin@sjfc.edu'
    Carol
    March 21, 2013

    I am in the midst of divorcing my N. We have been together for 6 years. When we first met, it was like a dream come true. Mind you…I was 48 at the time. You would have thought I would have known better. I thought he was my soul mate…he mirrored everything that I wanted in a man. He asked me after 2 months of dating how soon I would accept an engagement ring. We were married within a year of meeting each other. Then the trouble started. I found out that he had over 50K of debt that he failed to tell me about. He started raging at me, raging at my sons. If we were planning a vacation, he had to have it be “just so” or he said that he would not go. He sends vulgar texts to his buddies about having sex with other women…although he swears that he never cheated. He lies to me continually. He values his possessions over me. He is unable to show empathy or any remorse when he has hurt me. We would go for weeks without him ever saying “I’m sorry”. He would never initiate sex…that was always my responsibility. Then he would complain that we didn’t have sex enough. We were on the brink of separation two times before…but he always reeled me back in by words of love, extensive apologies, and promises to change.
    This last time he told me that I was not worth it…nor was our marriage. He moved out of my house last weekend. Since that time…I am being inundated with emails…telling me how much he loves me, etc.
    No way am I letting him back in. I continue to struggle with using my head to make decisions instead of my heart. My head tells me to stay as far away from him as possible. Thank you so much for this website and all the help you bring to those of us who are dealing with these N’s.
    God Bless all you strong women out there. Take back the life that you have given away.

  • sjblaughs@aol.com'
    Sara
    March 29, 2013

    How ironic that my N husband (we are separated, thankfully) has a T-shirt that says “Stop the violence against women.” He would never be able to see that emotional rape IS violence, only it does not show up in physical bruises. He has been generous in our separation, but I have felt all along that it is so that his smear campaign can continue, and so that he can look like a knight in shining armor to the victim of the moment. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me see the bigger picture of what I have been through. Melanie, you are what I call an “Earth Angel.” The work that you do, the education that you give, the support that you offer…all benefit humanity. I am in your debt.

  • danzo337@gmail.com'
    Dan
    April 11, 2013

    Refreshing to see all the responses although it seems that most of them are women complaining about male narcissists.

    In my case, I am a male, dealing with a female narcissist. We dated for a year before she randomly up and left the province to fly out West about 1200 km away from me where I have been forced to hang onto her with every effort I could muster.

    Emails, texts, phone calls, anything I could do to keep in touch with her. Well, 7 months has passed now, and without getting into too many details, bottom line is I think I have been emotionally drained.

    I sent her gifts, poems, love letters etc. But nothing seems to be going through. I think I have made matters worst if anything by hanging onto her.

    She randomly flew back one weekend, and I picked her up from the airport. I booked us a hotel, hoping we would get some alone time. Well… She came, we did the shebang, and without warning, just leaves the hotel. This is after 6 months of not seeing her physically.

    A message to everyone out there, narcissism is real, it isn’t a joke. It would be to your best interest to study this personality as it can be potential poison to your own well being.

    I’ve been forced to go see a therapist because I thought I was losing it and in return have been educated thankfully. Don’t let yourself be the victim to a narcissist, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s their problem.

    Don’t make the mistake of believing they might change. Narcissism once developed is very hard for the person to reverse.

    Study it, recognize it, and avoid it before you lose your life to these succubuses.

  • gethappy@live.com'
    Pam
    April 29, 2013

    I was married to my narcissist (and after reading these posts I’m pretty sure that was 1 of his problems)for 20 yrs. A real roller coaster ride. When we met I was quite beautiful and…needy – 4 children from my 1st marriage to a physically abusive man who refused to hold a job, nearly broke. He seemed heavenly to me because he was very focused on starting a business and becoming successful-the 1st 10 yrs or so of our marriage were pretty happy for me, of course with all the children and their activities, and his long work hrs. I realize that maybe we didn’t have problems because we basically only connected in the bedroom (where the sex was smoking) or when we had a business function, where he was more than happy to show me off…as money started rolling in it was spent on himself or his children from his 1st marriage. My children and I only got extras if they could be shown off to impress others. He controlled everything and everyone in the house. We eventually lived in an 18 room house with a pool, and he expected me to throw him a big birthday party with all the important people in our area (that way he could show off all the features of his home) Jees…the man gave guided tours, and when my oldest son got awards and scholarships for athletics he would talk to people like the sports authority of all time. Even though he never even watched on TV before my son played and was found to be very gifted, he had given him a hard time about spending so much time on chasing balls when he could be working in his business and saving up for college. If we didn’t thank him for taking us to dinner or buying us something he would tell us we were ungrateful after all he had done for us. When the kids left home he just went crazy, started building his whole life around drinking, partying (but, only with the BEST people) bought a yacht, joined a yacht club , bought an interest in a nightclub. But with the drinking and the partying came a very mean and surly attitude, and it wasn’t long until he was becoming completely dismissive of my every wish or thought. Suddenly I was always wrong in everything I would do or say…and after he began to get physical with me if I dared to question anything he did or wanted to do, I began to “walk on eggshells” to keep him from getting angry. One day he went totally nuts after I asked his friend to leave a party at our house when he offered an underage girl a drink. when everyone left he hit me and choked me. I decided to leave and file for divorce. He was really blindsided and started playing on my sympathies and believe you me he was pitiful. I had also taken the whole situation badly …it was Christmas…he came over to talk divorce settlement…well, you know the rest. Yep, I went back to, you are the love of my life. He was good to me-hell, GREAT to me ,long enough to screw me out of all the money and property I could have had in our divorce and when the bad started up again it was super bad. At the end I tried to commit suicide, so he wouldn’t kill me (or maybe so I wouldn’t kill him) I have been away from him for 6 yrs. and remarried last yr. I am a good wife to my husband but, not a great wife as I stay pretty emotionally detached. My husband now is a very nice guy, everyone respects and truly likes him. He does not have to pick up the tab everywhere he goes to buy friends. the lack of emotion from me is natural, which makes me sad. I wish I could give him more but, I don’t think that exists in me now.

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    May 6, 2013

    Are there any Christians out there who have been in relationships with what seems to be very authentic Christian person? I have stayed with two of them (one 23 yr marriage and recently a 2 1/2 year relationship)and hung in there through a lot of very disturbing and destructive behaviors and in the process “lost myself” trying to please and appease them AND because they used “God talk” to convince me that God had brought us together, but at the same time displayed very inconsistent on/off “love” -the God factor REALLY messes with my head. Can anyone relate? How can they claim to love and serve God and yet be narcissists? I believed we had a genuine spiritual connection. What is up with this??

    • cmartin@sjfc.edu'
      Carolyn
      May 30, 2013

      Patti – I had this happen to my with my Narcissist. When we first met, I shared with him how important…vital…it was for me to be involved with a Christian man. He talked the talk…had gone to college for “Missions”, said all the right things, knew the Bible inside and out. Whirlwind romance, everything moved very fast. Married within a year.
      Then things began to change…
      He had no interest in devotions or reading the Bible together. No interest in any activities at Church. Lied to me continually. Vulgarities, Porn, horrific texts about him having sex with other women, constantly told me he wished I was like other women from his past. The only time in our 6 years together that I saw him take out his Bible was when he “wanted to beat someone over the head with it”. He used God’s Word to manipulate and shame. He was engaged in illegal activity…and when I told him that it had to stop…he screamed at me that I was not being a “submissive wife”.
      He is a very manipulative man, and will use anything and anyone to serve his needs. Is he really a Christian? I don’t know. Only God knows if he is saved or not. I know that he is very twisted in his thinking. When we were in marital counseling…he told the Pastor that he was a “backslider” for the past 25+ years. I take full responsibility for not taking TIME to see how things really went between us. I bought into all the romance and promises. Foolish me.

      The last time we almost separated (2 years ago) I believed that he was sincere in his willingness to change. I decided to give our marriage another chance. I was so afraid because my family and my friends all felt that I needed to leave for my own well-being. I cried out to God and really felt His love surround me…telling me to trust in HIM and that HE would keep my eyes wide open.
      In February, my now ex-husband told me that neither I nor our marriage were worth it to him any longer. Our divorce has been finalized. He started dating while we were still living together, and started sleeping with women right away. All during this time, I have had emails and texts stating that either he still loves me…or that I am the most vile person on earth. He does not accept personal responsibility for what he has done, said, etc.
      I started no contact 2 weeks ago after receive 11 texts in a row from him about how wonderful his new girlfriend is…and then naming people (in my church), that I should date. He is cruel and vengeful..and it is one thing to put up with it in a marriage, but now I have a choice. All communication is now through the regular postal mail.
      Know that God Loves You and that a lot of people are all talk…and NO GOOD FRUIT is produced.

  • dmscrvbk@paulbunyan.net'
    Dawn Marie
    May 6, 2013

    Thank you for the insight of the narcissist mind set. I have given so much care and love to this person. Now seeing the verbal abuse and hot and cold behavior is not that of a PTSD. But a true narcissist. This person is a principal of a school and has two teens he is grooming to be just like him. As drinking and drugs are such a big part of his life style.
    He is two men one for all to see as the perfect person and the masked dark person and sexually sick. Talks about every one behind there backs using a little truth and lots of lies. The end came for me to give him back his drama. When he tryed to but drug candy from a fired math elem. teacher. We were out to eat and this man came to the table. Old girl friends he said were just so lost and just so sick. They were nothing and just friends after her mother died. Yet one more as her old boy friend is being so terrible to her. He had to let her into his home for the weekend as her daughter called him for help.I told him I let him go and his drama is his and I moved on. I let go with love and he said he will not say he is sorry. I said he never will. But I am not in bondage with him and letting go and forgiving any debt removes me for any connection to him…A true NPD He would come to my work place stoned and say horrible things to my co-workers and cust. would hear them too. He was above all and my little job and co-workers were nothing.I did try to e-mail about a few things needed to be returned . He e- mailed back saying he would come to my work or I could come to his house. I will not respond to that one. I will not need anything returned as it will set me up for more of the same treatment.

  • evp@email.arizona.edu'
    Liz
    May 13, 2013

    Thanks so much Melanie! I was definitely involved with an altruistic narcissist. I’m always struck by how similar everyone’s narcissist story is. Beyond the details, the confusion, abuse, intense love, lavishing of gifts, and the narc’s insistance on integrity, fidelity, equality…all the things he’s really not. If it’s possible, I am even more glad that I walked away. What a relief! Thanks for this wonderful place to learn, grow, and heal.

  • amyr.freeman@yahoo.com'
    Ami
    May 18, 2013

    This has provided me with so much clarity. Thank you Melanie. I have been in an on again off again relationship with a narcissist for over 10 years. He does a lot for his community and takes care of a number of people in his family financially. He is always willing to help someone. He will lavish luxurious gifts on me even when we are not together. But he can be the cruelest, most emotionally abusive person I have ever encountered. He will be completely in live with me and our 9 year old son one minute, and the next minute act as if we do not exist. It’s baffling. We have had a pattern for many years. Last year I let him come back against my better judgement. He said he had changed and he wanted us to be a family. I decided to give it a try. Well, needless to say he left me again. This time he left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter, and said he never said we were together. He said he could never get over that i dated other people while we were not together. I found out he had been seeing someone else and he had compromised my health and our daughter’s. it’s now been 2 months since he left again and I’m desperately trying to get off the roller-coaster. My concern is for my children now, knowing they have a narcissistic parent. Do you know of any references ?

  • michlmilr@gmail.com'
    Michelle
    May 19, 2013

    I have been reading your articles and listening to you and finding myself nodding in agreement and jumping up and saying “yes!”. I feel like crying from happiness after reading this article. It has solidified my belief that my husband is a narcissist. A few days before I moved out he laid out all the cards (in 2 yrs he had given me a tremendous amount)on the bed and said, “Look at these! How can you say I don’t love you?….look at all the beautiful things I wrote to you!” I felt like a cold, empty woman because I felt nothing. He majored in journalism and that is what he used to sweep me off my feet…his words. They fulfilled a need in me to be someone’s “soul mate”, “love of his life”, “best thing that has ever happened to him”…. When I needed him, he would find a way to avoid helping me. He would abandon me in great times of need and later claim I had it all wrong or misunderstood him or he can’t remember what happened. Maybe if I spoke in a way he could understand these things wouldn’t happen. When I cried he looked confused, but never, ever comforted me. He would give me a card where he would write about how much he loved me, but never said he was sorry…not even in his cards. When I was laid up on my 2nd day after surgery and unable to even sit up in bed without help, he came home after work and a cocktail party that he just had to attend for work. I shed one tear while lying flat on my back and said, “I’m sad that you didn’t call to check on me tonight” He replied while stomping angrily out of the room, “Oh god, don’t let the meds make you imagine things that aren’t real!”. He then went into the living room and pouted while I laid there confused and sad and hurting. Soon after that I told him I was so unhappy that I wanted to move out temporarily and work on things. I told him I went to bed at night not caring if I woke up. No reaction. A few days later he broke in to all my accounts and put a GPS tracker on my phone. He couldn’t accept that he was the reason I was leaving. He had decided that there must be another man! I moved out a month ago and I cringe at the thought of him touching me or even being near me and think back on his looks full of bitterness and resentment for not thinking he was perfect. Thank you so much for enlightening me! You see, I realized that I had chosen more than one narcissist. I started to think back to someone else that I thought I was madly in love with. He also swept me off my feet very quickly. He also was extremely hurtful and unapologetic and left me hurt and confused. You made me look at myself! I was blaming them, but I also chose them. I cannot express to you how understanding that has freed me. I start my day listening to you and reading YOUR beautiful words. I am as light as air and feel that I am just now really starting to live…for the first time. I am so happy (I had literally forgotten how happy felt)that I just want to experience every second of every day… every normal, ordinary, average, wonderful second!

  • hunter.catherine@rocketmail.com'
    Cathy
    May 21, 2013

    Melanie
    OMG! I wish I read this 18 months ago! I was involved with a man like this! I met him when I was 16, and after my divorce at 41, we found each other again (both divorced)on a dating site, so I thought it had to be fate. Nope. He worked with my best friend back then (that’s how we met originally), and when she found out he asked me out, I had her in my ear saying “He’s a great guy, he just hasn’t found the right girl!” He’s involved in church, helps in a support group, etc. He can project himself as this wonderful, loving, caring, protective man that would gladly give you the shirt of his back, he pulled out chairs for me, took my coat, if I needed anything while we were out in public he was on it immediately, and waited on me hand and foot. I started to wonder, when he started pulling away. I noticed things, like nearly every picture in his house has him in it, most are with family, but a few are just him. He blamed his ex-wife for their divorce. Things soured between us when I didn’t agree, and told him “two to make it, two to break it” Then he blamed me for our problems that led to the breakup. After we broke up, and I went back and re-read his online dating profile, the red flags were all but slapping me in the face. He wants “that ONE special connection, and we both know it’s right” (idealized love), and uses the physiological reactions that we have during the honeymoon phase of courtship as a barometer for how in love he is (sweaty palms, racing heart, butterflies in the stomach). When it wore off with him, I was ready to build into something more solid and reliable. I got dumped by the wayside, after being told that “everything between us was nearly perfect”. He used me for sex and wadded me up like I never mattered. I kept thinking for the past year that I HAD to have done SOMETHING to make him turn on a dime, but looking back, I can see that it was just that I was blinded by what I thought was the beginning of love. I thought he was really someone special. I had been in a marriage with an N, and thought I knew the signs to look for, but boy was I wrong. The same friend told me after the break up that he told her he broke up with a long-time girlfriend (years long) because she had surgery and he didn’t want to be her caregiver. (FYI-I told her that was something she should have told me BEFORE I agreed to go out with him). I can say my gift in this is that I have parts that need healed in order to bring better men into my life, and I have tried traditional therapy, been on antidepressants, and could not for the life of me figure out why I was beating myself up over him leaving and why I was wanting him back so badly. Now I know why. This makes soooo much sense! I have been in NC for 13 months now, with the exception of an email I sent to him after he visited my work place asking him if he was there, he denied being there, but the gals I showed his picture to refuted his claim and said it was him–gas-lighting! I would bet my right arm my dad was a full N, and my mother co-dependent, so the model was up and running for me to set my life up exactly the same. I know this was lengthy, but I had to get it out there. Thank you Melanie, for your help with this. I thought I was a horrible, terrible person for not being able to hang on to someone that can act so wonderful; but that’s all it is, an act.

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    lina
    May 21, 2013

    I’m still confused as to whether he is a Narc or just a monster.
    I’ve been married to my guy for 12 years and have known him for 16. Everyone including me,was convinced that was a wonderful guy. I thought he was too good to me true and felt so lucky to have him in my life even if my self esteem has been severely damaged in this relationship. He left me 5 months ago saying he was done with me after an argument.I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, I did this and that that caused him hurt. He brought out everything up from the past that could blame me with the reason he was leaving so suddenly. He blamed the issues of our relationship all on my inability to love him. For years he had put me on a pedestal, did everything for me,enabling me. I’ve become so dependent on him for everything. When he left I thought I was going to loose my mind. All I could think about was that he must have lost his mind. Than almost by accident, i found out that he was cheating on me, probably for years. I never suspected anything. He had hidden bank accounts and companies that I didn’t know about. He always showed said he was honorable and I never thought I would ever go through this grief. Every one of my friends thought he was so in love with me and were confused by him leaving me. He told everyone that he loved me but that he had just snapped because I took away his masculinity. Now all our friends are his friends because they believed it must have been me, since he always showed such devotion. He seemed almost selfless with everyone but something just didn’t add up for me. Sometimes I would ask myself. Is this guy for real? Now he treats me as a business contact. He has moved in with his OW and is moving on as if we never were married. We’re in mediation now but I feel devastated by this abandonment. I feel so many emotions and I as if I lost on so many levels. I guess I just lost the man I thought he was and my whole marriage was a lie. We don’t have children together and I guess that’s probably good.I feel so betrayed,rejected and angry. I would like to be able to give him a taste of his medicine/poison. Is that even possible with a Narcissist?

  • wendysimpson@me.com'
    Wendy
    May 22, 2013

    I separated from my husband 5 years ago, and shortly after met my narcissist (NOT good timing, I admit). My Narcissist, “J,” was the most altruistic person I’ve ever met. He was always doing something nice for somebody…and then bragging about it afterwards. While the bragging part was “off” to me, I actually began to believe that I was selfish in comparison because I didn’t do all these wonderful things! In the beginning, though, J was the man of my dreams. He was so sensitive, caring, and he seemed to be able to read my every thought. He told me he wanted to marry me and he talked about where we could live. After 5 months, things began to change. He began talking about an ex a lot and called her every night on the phone, yet proclaimed he was just giving her moral support when I questioned the frequency of communication with her. He would talk about how good-looking his other women friends were, then tell me he loved me. Or, he’d call to tell me about time he was spending with one of them and then say, “Are you threatening me?” when I’d question why he was doing this. While I was 500 miles away on a trip, he called me and told me to come back early because he missed me. I drove home a day early; it was a long 9 hour drive and I was exhausted, but so excited to see him. I thought the time away had turned things around for us. When I got there, he met me for FIVE MINUTES, then said he was too busy to spend time with me; he had more important things to do, and would be leaving for a week the next day. He was very icy. When I confronted him about his awful behavior, and about the suspicions I had regarding other women, he said, “You’re lucky I don’t hit you.” Any time I would cry he would become very icy and judgmental, and tell me that I made him act that way. The look in his eyes was so frightful that he looked like an entirely different person. Thankfully, I sought counseling and my therapist recognized, through my story, that J was a narcissist. She guided me through the No Contact process and I left…literally picked up and moved suddenly out of town. 3 years later, I am on my way to rediscovering myself and am back with my husband who is kind, loving, patient, and as steady as they come. It’s interesting that I had to leave my husband in a cloud of self-doubt and fall into the trap of the person from hell in order to discover what was right in the first place! There is still residual pain, and most of it comes from the fact that J has a close group of “followers,” (he runs a kayak school and rafting company) who think he is the greatest man in the world. No one believed me when I described his abuse. I had to give up kayaking, a sport I loved, and the friends I thought I had there, in order to maintain the No Contact rule, and to preserve my own sanity. What I still do not understand is how someone like him can keep nice, regular folk under his charms.

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    No more self denial
    May 31, 2013

    Now I see that this altruistic narcissist definition goes on BOTH of my parents AND my love partners in this life.
    No wonder I had to not only let go of my narcs, but also all the people they relate to. What one does to heal.. Just trusting that everyone will understand me in the end, forgiving me for just disappearing from their lives. But what matters most is that I keep from becoming narc myself, and that means staying 100 percent clear of having narcs in my life, and make sure that I myself heal, inside out. Either you are living or you are dying. And I choose LIFE.

    :LOVE:

  • denise4sun@gmail.com'
    Denise
    June 4, 2013

    For so long I knew something wasn’t right, but wasn’t able to comprehend my “gut feeling” It was an amazing discovery one day when my eyes opened and through reading your articles, I have found confirmation to many theories I have had regarding my past relationship. I always thought that he was unable of loving another. everything he did seem to have the end benefit of himself. Things he did didn’t end at the giftee, but required a receipt. The wake up call to this was when he told me he could no longer buy me flowers because it was too painful, because I didn’t appreciate them and didn’t thank him enough. I told him then if you cant do something for me simply because you know how much I love them, then don’t. It not for me then.
    The biggest hurdle has been his words. It took me so long to realize that his words were just that, there was no back up by action. I think he said things so that I would keep the words in mind when his actions stated the opposite. I think he said things he never intended to ever follow through on and weren’t even true, but because he said them they were fact. He is a salesman and knew the right thing to say to get others to believe his words were true. He constantly talked about how good of a hear he has and that I need to have a better heart. One day I said he was a good father, and he hounded me until I took it back and said he is a great father. I think he is a horrible father, because I see him doing to the kids what he has done to me. I worry about how to educate them but not step over that boundary of interference. I cannot let him do them but don’t know the best way to protect them and give them knowledge. Your articles have confirmed to me that I am not crazy and what I have been thinking is real.

  • babycatcher33@windowslive.com'
    val
    June 27, 2013

    Hi Melanie..everything I have read so far has resonated so strongly with me. 5 years I’ve wasted on this Narc. I am currently trying to do No Contact but he still has some of his stuff in my garage. The police have let me down terribly and NOT served him with the AVO yet (was issued on 17/6). I am going to purchase the NARP on my next payday. I need to heal, I need to survive, I need to thrive. Thank you so much for explaining all that is Narc to me and giving me some clarity as to what it is that I have experienced for the past 5 years. Thank you, thank you, thank you :)…yours, Val xx

  • jeather1@bigpond.net.au'
    Sarah
    July 21, 2013

    I have had a run in with a hot & cold narcissist. It’s been two years of up & down. I try to leave & he pursues me.

    This time the verbal abuse has left me feeling beaten up. I can’t fathom how I could care for somebody who could speak to me in such a hurtful way. He basically denied his behavior, called me a nutter & broke up with me.

    I feel gutted I had him so wrong.

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    July 28, 2013

    Wow, wonderful article.
    It describes my husband and my sister to the ‘T’.
    I used to feel so frustrated when my sister would be so loving on the one hand and on the other, so completely different………vindictive and totally closed off. She has this good ability with words and knows how to make you angry without you being able to point out how, which can be extremely frustrating. She also has this attitude of giving (whether advice, money or help to those in need) and then afterwards expecting something in return. You borrow 100 from her and she expects you to give her 130 back. This, after she offered and sometimes even forced to help. When she is not feeling too good, she would speak about all the good she does for others and the bad they do to her and never the bad she does to others and the good they do for her. Now I understand why? I used to be baffled by this.
    About 8 years ago, I felt like tying her to her bed covering her mouth and then telling her exactly how I felt. Now I know that she would not even have understood if I had to do that.
    My narc husband is the same, exactly the same. When I give him his ‘supply’, he is sooooooo sweet and loving and once I say something that he does not agree with (sometimes something as simple as how I deal with anger) he gets upset and then punishes me in a way that leaves me not being able to say what he did. I am not sure if I am being clear here, you cannot exactly point out what he did to frustrate you even though you know what it is, it is very subtle. He is a psychologist and has started two NGO’s which does great work in the community and sometimes when there are some conflict between him and the others who run these organisations with him, they would email and spend hours on the phone with him trying to explain their point while getting frustrated but he always wins and they comply or leave. Sometimes when they praise me or say that he is lucky to be married to someone like me, he gets upset and speaks about what he did for me and tells them that I am the lucky one or sometimes, we are both lucky depending on the audience.
    I used to break my head trying to figure my sister and my mom out those years as well as my ex of two years and now hubby has the same traits. It is because of him being like this and me feeling like I am not able to voice myself properly that I decided to google some advice about a year ago and that is how I got to know about narcissism. I read a lot about it and through that learnt how to ‘be’ to have him ‘be’ a certain way (sweet and loving). I thought that it would work (sometimes it totally did not)but when the accusations of infidelity started, I decided enough is enough and then I googled for other websites and that is how I got to know of this wonderful blog. Now, I know that I am not to be blamed for their behavior but only for healing my inner child and leaving them behind.

  • Frances.shippey926@btinternet.com'
    Frances
    October 9, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I am speechless when I read what you say about NA. I am in a ‘relationship’ but seem to be addicted. I’m certainly addicted to the nice half of this person, but have seen over and over again for seven years the confusion of the mood swings that are so brilliantly described by your posts.
    I need to get out, but I want to stay in.
    I’ve felt so confused and suicidal.
    I still want to believe he’s the nice person.

  • DRbaby83@yahoo.com'
    faithp
    October 13, 2013

    i hope u guys realize that sam vaknin is also a narcissist and he admits it on a documentary called
    I, narcissist” on youtube…this is why he knows so much about narcs, because he IS one. i guess a part of him is being “altrustic” for narcissistic supply…just an FYI

    and yes, my mom is one of the “altruistic” narcs. shes beautiful and innocent-looking, a total wolf in sheep’s clothing. sh

  • DRbaby83@yahoo.com'
    faithp
    October 13, 2013

    CONTINUING BECAUSE MY COMPUTER’S RETARDED AND POSTED BEFORE I WAS DONE…

    my mom is religious and goes to church regularly…i wanna think that she goes to try to just look good right cuz if she has no conscience then what does she need to ease? maybe…the thing w/ my mom is that she once told me in a very rare and vulnerable moment, that she was tormented by demons, but when she turned christian that they stopped…i know they didnt because shes relentlessly evil and to me a witch.

    could this be the missing link? could it be that demons possess these people so they cant have feelings, a conscience or a real personality? i wrote this on sam vaknin’s youtube comments and he blocked me…why? because it hits so close to home? could the supernatural be at play here?

  • Krgb40@gmail.com'
    Kris
    October 14, 2013

    I have just discovered the man I have been involved with for the past 3 years is an Altruistic Narcissist. He is a very wealthy Doctor & people adore him. He buys lavish gifts and has taken me on lavish trips. I suspected Narcissism 15 months ago & dismissed the idea. He is 59 years old with a long history of relationships with women, but has very loyal friends. All of the red flags were there. I was so overwhelmed by the adoration & attention that I dismissed them all. He has even built a new home 2 miles from me. I disagreed with him on a matter and he abruptly ended it. 2 days prior he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The same thing occurred 15 months prior & after 6 months of being friends, I allowed him back into my life. I have not contacted him nor do I want to. However, we also work together in a small hospital. I don’t know how to handle the situation.

  • 3maeve@gmail.com'
    Nive
    November 22, 2013

    Yes, this undying love… When I was at the very beginning of the Modified Contact phase (we’re co-parenting our child) one of the conversations between my and my N ex started about our child, which was fine, but later on he, as usual, shifted quickly to telling me how much he loves me and how blind I am not to see it. I replied that I didn’t believe a single word he was saying and that I wanted to finish the conversation. Out of the blue he stated: “haha actually I’m writing the copy of these same words to someone else now”. I replied “see? those are just empty words” and quit the conversation. How very typical of him.

  • lelainedohn@yahoo.com'
    Suzie
    December 21, 2013

    Half of the posts I read are about the N being left and professing his undying love…all the words we are desperate to hear and want to be pursued…the other half have been left (or left) and the narcissistic doesn’t seem to blink an eye that the relationship is over…even 35 years and 3 kids. How can that be? Mine was a pot/alcoholic addict for the first 30 years…got sober but got even more entrenched in his pursuit of women…great supply in AA and Alanon!! Had a number of affairs during out last 5 years together…then got mad I wasn’t healing fast enough and “throwing” his sins in his face and I was never going to trust him anyway. So I was away during my mom’s cancer surgery, he packed and left….had a therapist call me and tell me he wanted to work on our relationship but later to find out that was a stall tactic so I wouldn’t know what he was doing and he had filed for divorce and was pursuing Alanon women telling them he had filed for divorce and hadn’t been with his wife for 3 years!! He finally found another Alanon women…and moved in with her shortly after the divorce finalized…they constantly “profess” their love to each other and he’s never been happier he says…Really? But now that I look back that’s what he said about all of the women he was involved with….including me!! But maybe that’s just falling in love…not narcissism…except he was married to me during the whole time…maybe he did finally find “the one”….except he was being evicted when he moved in with her…and told me he never loved me and had just married me for sex and money….this women he’s with now is poor but has a house he lives in…the last women he told me was “hot and loaded with cash”….Is there a pattern? Still so confused!!!

  • kslue52@yahoo.co.uk'
    Kathleen
    January 8, 2014

    Re you can’t win with a narcissist. He used to scare me, telling he fought physically with one of his many ex’s and used to tell her ‘what you do, I do it better!’ Wow! Of course that was when it was too late.

  • marywor@hotmail.com'
    Elizabeth
    January 20, 2014

    I am so relieved to know I’m not insane I gave my heart and soul to my ex and money believed he was my soul mate I have never experienced such pain he drained the blood circulation from me I experienced the romance the lies deciet the discarding for me sex addiction porn prostitution now smearing was horrific gas lighting having a child at mid life because I loved him tha hardest was the sexual rejection now I’m fighting through the legal system for my financial entitlements I trust in god and I know he is protecting me it is so surreal I never heard of the word n I believe in karma and what goes around comes around

  • marywor@hotmail.com'
    Elizabeth
    January 20, 2014

    All the pieces are fitting into the jigsaw. IWas a business woman secure in every way good looking now I’m clawing my way back after having my heart torn out suffered pts I had lost my soul he was so vain obsessed with his looks I realize now he was the drug and. Was the addict I was like his mother tried to fix the marraige but I know now his vengeance was his own mother who neglected him and the hatred for women he had all assets in his name while debt in mine I will fight for what’s mine a new supply already god love her I felt a fool for staying so long but you don’t have a choice when your hooked god bless

  • dec31970@gmail.com'
    debi
    January 21, 2014

    I have just discovered what this word means and that it is my ‘boyfriend’ of ”18 ” years. I am torn by my ”stupidity” because ‘so many’I have stayed when I should have left and I’ve noticed that most N’s will leave!! Mine wont!! I have left him number of times but he always seems to ‘sweet talk me’. I have been on 7 different depression pills just in the last 5 years because he had me convinced I am the problem!!!! my problem right now is that we are living together ,but I ‘refuse’ to have sex with him, we hardly talk and when we do he ‘instantly’ accuses me of starting a fight. I am hopefully going to get to move me and my youngest to my sisters house out of state, but I feel that he has once again won because I will have to leave behind my two sons and my grandbabies.. why cant he just go back home to his mommy?? I know for a fact that he is cheating, but Im not sleeping with him anymore so he can do what he wants …. what I cant figure out is …do I give up my sons’ and grand babies or do I try and get a place around here. I know that he will bug me , but dont restraining orders work?? please help me, Im fresh into this information.. I just found the ”word” that fits him last tuesday night.. never in my life did I know that their were people like this. I knew of psychos and by polar but none of that fit him very well but this does. I appreciate all the help your willing to give me..

    • Enotoma@hotmail.com'
      Princess
      March 30, 2014

      Hi Denbie,
      My ex used to accuse me too of starting fights. The best thing I can tell you is if you feel strong enough get a place around there to be with your grand babies. Remember he can’t do to you what you don’t allow him to do. You need to have a thick skin. The other option is to move away temporarily with the idea that you will return once you feel stronger and your life is together again. Good luck.

  • brookeemail78@gmail.com'
    Brooke
    February 25, 2014

    I was divorced from my ex-husband almost 2 years ago. I got chills when I read this blog. I am now counting his leaving me as a blessing, because although I kept saying I was leaving, I think I would still be there if he had not left in order to punish me and literally banish my daughter and I from our former lives completely. I should say he has done everything in his power to banish me, but still uses her to make himself look good in the one night a week and every other weekend that he has her. What I am struggling with is how am I supposed to do no contact? We have a 6 year old daughter together who is the center of my world, and she knows no better than to love her dad, so she has this visitation with him. I am trying to rebuild my career in technology sales, and it is very very difficult for me to do that without having to occasionally text him to change the weeknight he will have her, or to discuss other things regarding the care of my daughter. Following the Parenting Plan to the letter would be VERY difficult with my job, and it isn’t always the best for our daughter, because she would miss events on each side of the family I want her to be a part of because I want as much of her life to be as normal as possible. He makes EVERYTHING difficult though. I can say with full confidence I haven’t been attracted to him in at least 5 years, so I do not want to be with him again, I just want a peaceful co-parenting relationship. Is this possible with him? Do I just need to accept that there is NOTHING I can do, no way to treat him that will make him act like a normal human being? I have believed for a very long time that he does not really love our daughter. So asking him to treat me with respect and kindness for her sake only is a joke. He either does not see how his need to hurt me hurts her, or does not care. I am very very very scared of her being with him at all. What am I supposed to do about that?

    When we were married he was a raging alcoholic (3 magnums of wine A DAY at the worst times with some cocaine thrown in to keep him up) and was NEVER there for our daughter. Oh he provided financially for us which EVERYONE had to know, and the divorce was completely my fault and all because I spent all of his multiple inheritances with no help from him doing it. (He’s still very wealthy by the way while he managed to leave us with nothing).

    Over the past 6 months he apparently has quit drinking completely, is very into church (this is to look good I doubt he ever prays in private) so on the outside everyone thinks he is this fabulous father now including his current girlfriend.

    She is my biggest ally (poor poor woman) because she really believes that he is this wonderful dad and tells me they play together and have so much fun when Lila visits. Thats great! That is what I had begged him to do for YEARS. As long as she is around I feel like my daughter is safe. But at what point is he going to start emotionally abusing her? Is this inevitable? Do I HAVE to remove him from her life completely for her sake?

    You are an angel…I did the first healing on Friday of last week and had the best day I have had in well over 5 years. I have to continue this because what you have said makes so much sense there is no doubt it is true. You are a gift to those of us who would have been lost forever without you. Thank you so much.

  • Lorrainestevens1510@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jane
    March 12, 2014

    Hi again,
    I thought I had broken free. We were only together a year and it was long distance , but speaking daily for 2 or 3 hours each evening. To the point where I chose to stay in on weekend nights to do so. I moved back to the country we had met in just as I was leaving and but the relationship was over for me by the time I arrived there due to all of the described behaviours and more that I had tolerated for far too long. The final straw was him blackmailing me with an alleged photo and threatening to go to my boss. He has left the country and I am still here despite his threats to ” destroy my life in this country on his return”
    I had all but forgotten him , whilst realising that I should be thanking him for leading me to self realisation and have begun to work on this with a therapist . After 4 months of no contact , my friend received an abusive message to pass on to me, telling me basically where to go, followed by calls to her phone from his alleged ex wife’s phone and now I’m wondering where this will end, if it will end and more importantly how to deal with him if he returns, it is inevitable that we will see each other as the social circles are very limited. Any advice ? I would also like to ask you if a N has any understanding of self? Some say their worse fear is of being exposed so I am assuming that they know what they are? This would be a comforting thought…..

  • Enotoma@hotmail.com'
    Princess
    March 30, 2014

    This website has explained so much to me. Now I fully understand my exs behavior. I broke up with him for cheating. He continued cheating publicly and didn’t want me to leave him. He never apologized for hurting me. He was still saying he loved me while all along he’d been seeing this other lady. I was confused as to why he never apologized and continued to project at me what he was doing. Not only that we had agreed to mail each other back our things. I mailed his and he has lied and made every excuse as to why he has not mailed mine. Up until I came across your website nothing made sense to me anymore. Now that I understand that he isn’t normal it’s really helped me heal and move forward. I went NC for 60 days. He contacted me 5 weeks ago lying about why he hasn’t mailed my things and said he would let me know when it’s on the way. Since then I’ve discovered this site. Now I know I need to forget my things and stop checking up on him on FB. I totally get it now.
    I have decided not to return any of his calls or messages no matter what and completely remove this sick man from my life. I feel sorry for the 25 yr old girl he is having an international FB “relationship” with. He is 42 yrs old. He is in the US and she is in Africa. I asked him how he could do that to this girl. He said “what? You care about her now?” Then he told me he “enjoys” the fact that he can control her from here!!!! Who does that?!?! He has no regards for the damage he will cause this girl when he decides he wants another victim.

  • barbradle@gmail.com'
    Barbara
    April 2, 2014

    When I hear the term altruistic narcissist I must say that we must remember that his altruism is not about you; it is about him, the narcissist. Everything the narcissist does is about him. They are not trying to help you or care for you. They are putting up a facade that they are altruistic to keep you around as their narcissistic supply! This is very dysfunctional behavior but this is exactly what they are doing. Everything is about what they want, what they need, what they think, what they feel. One day after really working on myself, I saw his mask. Or more like I saw him with his mask removed! It was very ugly and very sobering, but a fantastic gift. I have no illusions now about him and what is going on. And this is what it all is: a big illusion, a big show to mask what they are doing. They are vampires and just like they say vampires suck all the blood out of their victims until the victims dies and becomes a vampire themself, the narcissist is raping you on an energetic level of all your joy and sanity. When I realized this all question about the seriousness and the damage the narcissist is doing to me under the cover of altruism just melts down in the face of this Truth.

  • Mary-dennison@hotmail.com'
    Maryjo
    April 6, 2014

    I am feeling tired ,sad and upset having wasted over 10 yrs on what I now know to be a narcissist (altruistic) he was my saviour from a long and unhappy marriage (I am a carer for my husband) I wanted to leave and be with him but he did not push it and time passed. At the start he was like my soulmate he used to say he could understand everything about me and no one has studied you like me I used to think that was nice, now I know different he could not do enough for me , but I learned I was not the only one he did jobs for. I discovered he was on dating sites he tried to wriggle out of it the lies nearly killed me I just could not believe anyone would behave so badly what was the point it undermined everything I thought we had. I gave chances he promised then would repeat the behaviour , his marriage ended and off we went volunteering to africa he had to work alone because he cannot work with people if they don’t agree with him he gets into a rage but he is charming with those he wants to impress, he meets people randomly next he is across the world having being invited to their homes travel paid he is unbelievable, suddenly they are his best friends it’s like a merry go round you never know what surprises are in store, I felt very lost in all of this. I think the reason this lasted this long was he lived a few hrs away and I did not see him only every few weeks. He moved here after burning his bridges with his family adult children don’t even talk to him now I really seen the dark side of him , his moods long silences, angers easily, crazy outbursts, especially if he thinks I put anyone before him ,like my kids or grand kids I think he wanted me giving him my full attention anyhow I got so tired of it all I have been doing no contact for 3mts and was sort of ok but now I am missing the person I thought he was I am so broken I was tempted try to just see him but I know that’s just crazy I am lost , I am trying EFT but I think I need more one to one help to try to make sense of all this and my part in it, I know I was and am needy I did not want to see the red flags, sorry for writing so much I hope I am making sense.
    Maryjo

  • helenetoile@yahoo.de'
    Helene
    April 7, 2014

    Since narcissists are so interwoven into our society and the way it functions; since one in (200? 300?) people is a narcissist — we need to do a lot more than not to contact them. From my education and experience, society will not get rid of undesired behaviour by shunning certain members — institutions, jails, and the like have never improved society. What do you propose we do with all of the narcissists who live amongst us; who rule our countries and lead our businesses? How can we shrink their egos back to a manageable size while embracing what they do correctly? Has a narcissist ever healed from narcissism?

  • helenetoile@yahoo.de'
    Helene
    April 7, 2014

    Plus, if you were born into a family with several narcissists in it… ? I know. I didn’t have to come back after my sister’s nearly fatal accident. I could have just lived my life and let the narcissists fight over her. In the end I found myself having to choose between two different narcissists to be her guardian… and have thus made myself responsible for her suffering under their influence (in addition to all of the other implications of my “choice”).

  • helenetoile@yahoo.de'
    Helene
    April 7, 2014

    PS if you choose to respond, please use my email address as well because I am closing this page on my browser now.

  • paulicurl@nc.rr.com'
    Pauli
    April 21, 2014

    I recently left my NPD husband of 10 years. I met him when I was widowed; we served on a retired Military officer Board of Directors where I was the auxiliary wives liaison; 14 years younger than he. He was married; his wife lived in PA to be near her family so he said. She died from a heart attack; as part of my job I sent him a sympathy card. Two weeks after her death he called to thank me and invite me to lunch to show his appreciation. As a widow I felt compassion towards this West Point gentleman who was struggling with the loss of his wife! Slowly we developed a friendship…I thought he was a kind and lovely older gent…very smart, very generous, very lonely and I accompanied him to many events he was involved with. What a smoothie! and I simply believed this man was becoming smitten with me….who ever would have thought I was to become the object he needed to show to the world the face he needed to present. He conquered the widow, the pretty younger woman his friends admired! The gifts, compliments the 4 caret diamond engagement right…yes, I was the princess and I loved every minute of it….and thought I had found a good friend to spend the rest of my life with. We had a beautiful wedding on the 18th hole of a famous golf course, and then the first week of our marriage he was out singing with his quartet leaving me at home; then the routine began 4 days of golf a week; his activities…and I was either left at home or attend with him; when I noted that I was alone all the time he said…well you knew this was my life when I asked you to join me…I responded with…aren’t I entitled to a life too? He looked genuinely shocked at that! As time went on I experienced much of what you and others have written about. When something would go wrong between us he would blame his behavior on his late wife…apparently she had spent so much of his money, emotionally abused him, refused him sex, was absolutely mean and punitive and continued that it would never happen again. I felt so sorry for all the abuse he experience…his first wife sounded awful….poor man. Well this was his response to every issue we had….and after a while he then admitted he had been unfaithful to her for the last 25 years of their marriage with multiple lovers and that is why she lived in PA….and oh yes! it was then determined that while she lived in PA and during the time before and after her death….even when I was in the picture, he was on several dating sites and would carry on these romances out of town and occasionally bringing someone to his home where they spent their time in seclusion at his home. After a while when his behaviors continued I no longer believed him when he blamed his wife. I no longer thought she was the big bad wolf and when I held him accountable he changed from loving husband to a vindictive, malicious bully. When held accountable he would deny what happened by saying he did not remember that happening….with the age difference I thought age related dementia was setting in. And scotch was also a huge factor with this man. During this time we each used our separate funds to invest in his son’s oldest daughter’s and her husband’s new venture. Over time it was sold and we were rewarded with a return beyond our wildest dreams. Since it was set up as a joint investment with rights of survivorship, it should be viewed as ours…not so…this man behind my back signed a pledge to give $1 M to West Point and declared the majority of $ to be his. I resisted…and resisted…he took me to mediation.imagine a husband taking his wife to court!..and the lies he told were beyond imagination. I was so battered and bruised emotionally that my adrenal system was severely compromised. My attorney saw him for what he was….as he said my husband was likened to an 18 wheeler who would run me over to win…say and do whatever necessary to win. During this time the name calling and threats …the yelling..the rage ..and the best was that I was immoral..stupid …sneaky…..a thief…stealing his $….and many were X rated. Anything I said was nonsense or stupid….the case was settled…he thought he won….and when he realized he did not….the abuse ramped up…the character assassination….and finally last September he left to play a tournament with his sons and brought a letter of final instructions to his sons where he maligned me with intent and lies. I can still feel the heart palpitations when I read that letter. Upon his return he had a to- do list from his sons which included taking my name off the deed. I returned to see my attorney….a mere shell of the younger, pretty, vivacious, woman I was 10 years ago….I finally realized I needed to leave this man before he destroyed me in entirety. Afraid of his rage, I asked my attorney how could I do this when one cannot negotiate with a narcissist? My attorney gave me instructions which I followed exactly. Secretly, I found a house, I packed and moved boxes out little by little….and one day while he was golfing I moved…without his knowledge. My attorney and friends were afraid for my safety….fearing his reprisal, I kept my whereabouts secret….his response…he cried on everyone’s shoulder, was devastated, accused me of leaving him when I had run him dry financially…stole from him and so many other nasty things…he is the victim of course. He sent out mass emails to all his organizations…locally and nationally that I left him….in an effort to further enhance his victim status. It has been 5 months and I am grateful to be living in a peaceful environment….four years of work with a therapist who specializes in abuse and domestic violence helped…but the recent discovery of your website and articles have been validating..I see myself and what has happened to me and why….because he is a narcissist! ..you survived and healed! I am working hard for the salad spinner to stop….and am confident it will one of these days….in the meantime, this narcissist….the man seen as the altruistic, “good man”….signed up on 3 dating sites….has bedded someone locally, is pursuing others out of state as well as a former govt official in our town….pretty busy 5 months for this man! He has not made any kind of dedicated pursuit of me….when he has contacted me I have responded honestly only to determine it is part of his manipulation to try to get and stay in my head….I have instructed my attorney to tell his I want no contact with him. He is the opposite of what he presented to me….or what he presents to the world at large. For the first time I am seeing him clearly through these articles….I don’t know yet how I am going to get beyond this..the deep, deep pain…and then to be blamed for it!….but I am trusting that God is Who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do…..Thank you Melanie for opening the doors to acceptance….and healing….

  • abginla@hotmail.com'
    Amy
    May 9, 2014

    This article is a relief, but it raises additional questions for me about myself. I do believe that the person I was in a realationship with was a narcissist. We were dating less than a month when he told me he loved me (red flag). Up until that point he was dating several women. Then we were exclusive for a month. We had just gone out with on a Saturday night where he introduced me to all of his friends. On Sunday morning, while laying in bed, he told me that he and his ex had talked the previous summer about having another child together for their only daughter. I asked if that was still on the table now that we met and he said “yes”. I didn’t freak out, I just said that I couldn’t be part of that and left. A week later he contacted me, told me that I was the most important person in his life, and that he wanted to marry me. Also said that when his ex spends the night with their daughter that she will no longer sleep in his bed (what???…didn’t realize that was happening). Like an idiot, I fell for the fake proposal. The next day I had questions about the situation with the ex, and he told me that it upset him and he started to pull away. He no longer wanted to be exclusive. We continued to talk and date for a month, he told me to leave some things at his house so I wouldn’t have to pack when I spend the night there, then I found that he hid these things so his ex wouldn’t see. We stopped talking again. Then he came back, we were good for a week, then he started pulling away again. Then I got pregnant, and when I told him he told me that I had to get rid of it, because it was his ex’s turn to have a baby. He said I could have a baby later. He also told me that he and the ex continue to be physical together and that he had slept with 5 other women since we’ve started dating. We got into a huge argument over that and he told me that my reaction of yelling at him was unacceptable and why we should not be together. He told me he would never support out child (mind you, he had told me in the past that he wanted children with me, and by the way, this man has millions upon millions of dollars and can afford to support a second child). So we split up again, I had a miscarriage, then he started coming around again. I kept having this ridiculous pull to him even though I knew I deserved significantly better than this. We were together for another week, he said that he created distance with the ex (but they were still going forward with another child). I got upset and had many questions. I was not yelling, but I was definitely heated in my line of questioning. So he left again.

    After all of this happened, I am the one who started a smear campaign. I made sure anyone who knew the two of us knew what he was requesting of me and how he had behaved. I even posted stuff on the internet, because I was incredibly hurt and in huge disbelief. Does the fact that I wanted to (and did) retaliate somehow make me a narcissist, as well? I am well aware that this was potentially the most inappropriate relationships ever, and I was very much a participant…I’m just worried that I may not be seeing clearly…

  • paranjape58@gmail.com'
    Ambar
    May 14, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for writing this article. After reading it I felt better in some areas and in some areas, honestly, I felt worse.

    I felt worse because I am concerned that I may have expressed some narcissistic behaviors, and I want them to stop because they are not who I am.

    I feel like the biggest hurdle to my next step in moving towards acceptance is mired in one question, “How do I know if I’m the narcissist?” I feel like if I can give that answer a definite “NO”, then I can move forward, and get closer to acceptance.

    The thought of being a narcissist terrifies me – BUT – I know there are unconscious behavior and speech patterns that surface during the course of a relationship.

    I am guilty of telling my Ex-N that “I love her with all of my heart”, “I would die for her”, “I would always be available to her.”

    However, I backed this up with action. There were times where she would call me at 2 am to come and dispel “evil spirits” from her house. I would go, and go quickly. Whenever I got the chance to do something for her, I always got excited and started thinking, “Maybe this could be the action that breaks through for her, and she will finally see how much I love her.”

    One of my main agendas in our relationship was trying to prove to her that I loved her, genuinely, authentically, and organically. But even saying that now feels wrong, because what if–deep down–I was doing all that to fulfill some unconscious agenda. And if this was so, then I feel absolutely terrible because I unknowing subjected someone to narcissistic abuse.

    My heart tells me that I genuinely love her. But my brain is always searching to find any part of me that would contradict that…simply because I don’t want to think better of myself than I really am. I want to maintain self-love, but not get carried away into self-delusion. I hope I’m making my point clear.

    Anyway, if you could help me out with some guidance, that would be terrific.

    Thanks!
    AP

  • pagan8181@gmail.com'
    DEE
    June 15, 2014

    I sure wish I would have known all of this yrs ago. Unfortunately I am just realising I had three men like this in my life, my father, ex husband and a recent relationship. My father I don’t see much. My ex I left for fear of him killing me. He did not abuse me physically but made it his business to terrorize me. He stalked me when I was not home, did not want me socializing with anyone. Not even his family. He showed all the signs that are in your article and then some. He talked bad about me to anyone that would listen and had at least one affair a yr. I allowed this to happen for 35. Then one night something snapped in my head and I knew I had to run or he’d kill me. He had become very aggressive and he was begining to take a stance with me as he was going to beat me. So I saved enough money for plane ticket and moved across the country. Then the man I was with recently. I knew him from my childhood.He was my first love. We reconnected in recent yrs. It was wonderful. Inspite of the fact that he was married I made the choice of being the mistress. I was still in love with him after 40 something yrs. We professed our love for each other. I knew deep in my heart he would never leave his wife even though he claimed he would. Then one day he told me that he didn’t love me. I believed him but still felt what I felt. I told him that I would stay with him till I felt I couldn’t handle it anymore.I stopped making myself so available to him and saw him when I missed him a lot. He became angry, found fault in everything I did, blamed me for his past, which I wasn’t even present for. He would go on and on. I would cut him off for a while and he would call 24/7 till I answered. He’d b sweet as pie. Thn he started trashing his wife. I believed him at first then doubted someone could b so evil for no reason. When I told him this he became enraged. Later to prove his point he enlisted his daughter to back him up. Iwas at the end of my rope. Asking myself why was I putting myself through this. Finally I just treated him like a friend he needed someone to vent to.I just listened without commenting. He died 3 months ago and though it hurts me he is gone because inspite of it all I truly love him I am not ashamed to say I am also relieved.he can’t hurt me anymore or anyone else. He used his grown children his wife me and who knows how many others and hurt us all. It saddens me to think he was so miserrable and empty. At first I felt like a fool but u live and learn. Now it’s time for me to heal. So much more I could tell but what’s the point.

  • william.mcfarlane@yahoo.com.au'
    Will
    June 17, 2014

    My new partner has filed for divorce from her narcissistic and abusive ex husband. They have been separated for three and a half years. She has stated that if he contacts her she will talk to him as they need to financially separate etc. No kids under 18. After reading your very insightful and helpful articles to learn how a narcissist operates i have told her the best thing to do is have no contact and if any that she should do so via email or txt message. She seems to think the the narcissistic ex husband will play nice and negotiate. My opinion for what its worth is that he will play nice for a while and then do what he has always done and drag her back into this emotional turmoil that he has done for the last 30 years. How can i convince her that no contact is the only way to beat him and move on with her life ?

  • marysgirl@msn.com'
    Marie
    June 19, 2014

    As a new member, I’m still learning and trying to figure out if my husband has NPD. A lot of things about him are described herein, esp. his love and generosity, but he doesn’t go around touting it. Yet, in an instant, he can go to two opposite extremes- first he loves, then he attacks without explanation. I feel like I’m losing my mind because of his gaslighting, but then it passes and everything is okay. Many times I have left him, but because of the wedding vow, I’ve always come back. We’ve been married 10 years and my previous marriage also involved domestic abuse of psychological kind which was slowly killing me until I lost the will to live. That one lasted 20 years. Now I am separated, but we still have contact. Most of the time things are fine. That’s why I’m not sure. Can you offer any advice to help?

  • marvin.lemann@gawab.com'
    Martin Grundmeier
    June 27, 2014

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  • emailshot@me.com'
    Myrtle
    July 1, 2014

    Whooo, boy, did my attacker have his social veneer covered. He also has untreated Bipolar and lives with his mother, despite being a grandfather in his mid-50’s. His family seems to allow him to victimize them, but they do mock him on social media. Once in a while he’ll lash out at them on his public page. He targets the women (his mother and his daughter) and ignores his sons.

    His main thing is posing as a Victim and getting his friends to endlessly emotionally support him when he rages at them, yet he expects them to endlessly forgive him.

    But, to today’s topic, while he sneers at his own children and ignores them, he’s all about doing things for charity.

    When I first asked him about his children, he flew into a rage over their faults. I told him that that was a hot button for me, because of my own past, and that I sought out people who had good relationships with their kids.
    I feel sure I was re-evaluated as a good victim at that point as he won’t tolerate anyone questioning his royal highness.

    He froze me out and, when prodded, kept promising he’d get back to me and fix things (and did go into a serious depression, may have been hospitalized) but still, nine months of keeping me on the dangle probably suited him just fine. He battles suicide ideation in his Bipolar, but was sooo fun when he was manic and focused on me and our many shared interests.

    Damn, I dodged a bullet! But that was too close.

    Of course, I’ve since seen how he’s just like my bio Father and my Brother, so no wonder that toxic initial attraction. Which went away quickly when I found he’d lied and was meeting another woman.

    Now he’s more cautious about keeping his yet another new woman away from the social media, deleted all his attacks on his family- till he locks her in.

  • barbrabloy@yahoo.com'
    Barbra Bloy
    July 17, 2014

    I was with an altruistic NARC for 8 years. He was a homeopathic healer, organic farmer and herbalist. He seemed like a such a nice guy. Always helping people, giving them free organic produce. He gave lectures and held classes for people on health. Everyone spoke about what a great man he was. He had inappropriately close relationships with the women who came to him with their health problems. This started to make me very uncomfortable. He would love bomb them and they would be in love with him and hanging all over him. They treated me cruelly because of all the lies he told them about what a horrible person I was. Then they would get into a disagreement with the NARC and go away and I would think everything was going to be OK but then another woman would come along and the same thing would repeat. He claimed I was jealous and untrue. He surrounded himself with minions who followed after him believing everything he told them. It got really creepy at the end and I was gas-lighted off his organic farm after I gave him my life savings for an off the grid dome home. Every one there thought I was an evil women who did not appreciate the greatness of him. All the bad stuff that went on there was deemed to be my fault. I gave him financial support for 8 years! Then of course since I recognized finally, that he was a NARC and called him that, his minions now all believe I am a NARC. He had 6 kids with 2 different ex-wives. I think some of his kids are also NARCs. The ex-wives did not speak to him or even look at him when they had to be in the same room together because of their kids. I am lucky I did not marry him. The married woman he started seeing a few months before he dumped me(another one of his clients) divorced her husband and is now married to the NARC and she has 2 teenage daughters that I could not help but notice how the NARC was all over those teenage girls. I am so sorry it took me 8 years to figure it out. If I had listened to my intuition instead of ignoring it I would have never gotten in as deep as I did. I am totally in agreement with you about how we attract this kind of situation when we look outside ourselves for validation and love. Now I am working on loving me instead of looking outside of my self for that love. I also had parents who were not there for me from infancy. Even though my Dad was a minister and everyone thought he was such a great guy he was too busy helping others to have a real relationship with me. My mother was suffering from abuse in her family from her father so was not her true self at all.I did not feel love from her as a child. Just a false front of a good homemaker and mother. My mother is gone but my Dad is alive. He is a good person but I can not really talk with him about my feelings much at all. He does not even believe me.

  • diann_44@yahoo.ca'
    Sheila
    July 21, 2014

    Thank you for your words of insight -your news letters seem to help answer my thoughts and questions.
    I have been in no contact with my ex , who has almost all the traits of a narcissist and some of a psychopath! Right now he is with his ex so above that question was answered!
    I can’t seem to find any closure-I think about him all the time and am growing weary! I’m still in settlement with him and he will not settle or give me what he owes me , even though it’s not an enormous sum-so it drags on. I cannot get the divorce until the settlement is finished. I could give in and not take anything and get my divorce but just can’t seem to give in to that decision. I have a really good lawyer and we meet with him and his lawyer at the end of August in front of a judge-then if that doesn’t work then to court in February.I feel that if I give in I will regret it the rest of my life-but if I don’t then might never have closure-or will giving in give me closure!!! Any feedback on this is welcomed!
    Thanks for your newsletters.

  • Litijay@yahoo.com'
    Jen
    July 23, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks a lot for your insightful articles. My Rship with my NC ex ended a month ago, we had dated for 1.6years of which 1 year was hell. All the stories on this article resonate with me from the constant need for attention, all his exes are in contact, he even flirts with his cousin. My agony began after 6 months of blissful Rship when I lost my job and he became a monster. I went into depression and there was no empathy from him, instead what I got was a smear campaign. He convinced me to move in with him then the cheating and isolation began. He has dumped me like on a weekly basis for the last 1 year and now I confirm that abandonment and rejection was his way of getting my attention.
    This time round we broke up for good and one month later he’s already moving in with another woman. My attempts to get my stuff from his place this past weekend resulted in him becoming very hostile and full of rage, he told me that he has never loved me and was not attracted to me hence the other woman makes him happy and I knew all this was to get my attention.

    Am glad it’s all finally over.

    My question is, what eventually happens to the narcissist in life because in the case of my ex he’s irresponsible, always broke, lazy and not ambitious so he mainly depends on women to sustain him. His childhood was a big mess so I understand where he’s coming from. I just wonder what their end becomes because in his case he won’t be able to sustain his lifestyle for long. He has exes who’ve even tried to attack him physically out of rage.

  • taofpaul@hotmail.com'
    Leo Marvin
    August 7, 2014

    The Narcissists (NPD) are the most benign of the psychopaths. Some of you may have seen the NPD in your lives without their mask on. High functioning PDs don’t drop their masks often. They recognize each other and see us, what they call nons, as weak and stupid. A good time to see them without their mask is when they recognize another in public and approach each other. Another way is to watch their group of friends. They pick each other. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgGyvxqYSbE

    Out of the Fog (fear obligation and guilt) is a good site to explore the glossary and begin to learn the acronyms so that you can see it clearly. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t a neurotic guilt capable “non”. But, you know what? My children are doing well, my pets are safe, loved and cared for. No one hates me and I have not damaged another’s life. So, neurotic we stand. 🙂

    • saltlifebreeze@gmail.com'
      Holly Willingham
      December 16, 2014

      Wow I always wondered if they can detect one another, afterall they are satans minions walking around amongst us wreaking havoc in the world. I agree they are friends with each other. I have also seen over the course of a year with my new empath awakening, that many narcisstic women do not have children because they are too much into their appearance and are usually career driven for power purposes. They don’t have time to take care of others when “they” need to be taken care of. The men narc psychos seek out empaths to procreate with and bear their children to produce more of them, which in turn, poisons the empaths bloodline. I read there is an 80% chance the offspring will inherit the mental disorder(s).

      So…….ladies it is a must we heal ourselves to prevent from being involved with these nasty evils. Otherwise not only will you be risking birthing more, but if you divorce you will not be free of their father unless the father has turned everyone against you leaving you with no family. There is nothing good from getting involved with them.

      I watched as MR (ex altru narc bipolar psyco bf) of Jacksonville, FL groomed his own young adult kids how to con and manipulate with them eagerly paying attention to how their good ‘ole dad had the game mastered.

      In hindsight and reading all what Melanie writes, all who write here, and numerous other sites, I am convinced that I was involved with a dangerous master at intentionally abusing people. He learned well from his father.

      I sure wish I would have known all about these disorders long ago. My almost two year involvement with MR was unconscionable even with numerous red flags in my face I stayed stupidly because I was brainwashed. Without a doubt he raped my mind, body, and soul. Been out of that hell since June, this year, but struggling with my fear of going out in public and ptsd – stumbled here and so glad I did. 🙂

  • emersoncrockett@web.de'
    comment gagner de l'argent facilement
    August 16, 2014

    Sweet blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News.
    Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
    I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!

    Thank you

  • Suvsjobline@yahoo.com'
    Myrtle
    August 17, 2014

    Fake altruism. Indeed! The N I knew was big on donating art for charity and was growing his hair for Locks of Love. Highly visible, yes? Yet he’s got 4 kids he ignores, told me it’d been a year since he’d seen one, who lives a mile from him. When I said that pushed my buttons he dropped his façade and raged at me that he’d been forced to be someone he was not, and that the kids were just welfare cheats. One’s dying from MS, the girl drives a truck for work, one does appear to not be doing much, from his FB. But were they loved, mentored, shown a good example? Nope.
    The N lives off his physically healthy 80-year old mother, trapping her, acts like he’s doing her a favor. He’s nearing 60. His health is turning bad yet “he doesn’t need to go to a doctor.” He’ll certainly die in the next 3-5 years from suicide, the untreated Bipolar, or his COPD, then finally his kids can mourn the dad they never had.

  • jane.ded@bigpond.com'
    Jane
    August 29, 2014

    He Melania
    I was just wondering if there was such a thing as an ‘unconscious altruist narcissist’? Someone who genuinely cannot see what they are doing? My partner is at times very lucid and does take responsibility for his bad behaviour. He can apologise and he does make valid points and appear rational at times. I feel that when he comes from the heart he is being his ‘true self’ and is a good person – he certainly believes he is. Due to childhood conditioning from his father, he then realises that he has allowed himself to be vulnerable and suddenly switches back to his head and becomes his ‘false self’ again. This is when the blame and bad behaviour comes. Is there a borderline problem where you can actually get through to this type of person?? I am a very strong women and no longer fear this person I have been with for 20 years. I have a very solid understanding of the behaviour which enables me to see it for what it is and know that he always makes sure things are good again. I know that the bad side of these people is ‘unhealthy’ but is it possible to stay with a person like this and not engage or take on board the bad behaviour?? We have 4 children so of course I am always hopeful that I can continue to live with this man. In more recent times and as I learn more and more about the behaviour, I feel that with the right approach I could even create improvements. Are there tactics for dealing with people like this who you would consider ‘borderline’?? At times his obsession with me is so great that I could get him to do anything. I know that in most cases the N has the power and wears the victim down but in this case I have gained so much strength and knowledge within the relationship that I also have power. I guess I’m asking can you beat a borderline N with the right game plan??

  • marylou915@gmail.com'
    Marylou Brown
    September 8, 2014

    Very helpful article. How can we help a loved one? Abandoning narcissistic partners though a solution for us, isn’t really a solution if you know what I mean.

    How can we heal the narcissist without remaining victims in the relationship?

    When you think about it, I think education has to do more to avoid creating narcissists in the first place.

    Is avoidance of these people the only solution?

  • rgabi11@gmail.com'
    Gabriella
    September 10, 2014

    Couple of days ago I received a newsletter with a quote about narcissistic personality from a book. Perfectly fitted my ex. Started searching the net on the topic and discovered that both my parents have narcissistic personality.

    My father is clearly the altruistic type. And my mother shows some of this traits. It seems that they gave me everything. But I always felt that they gave it to me instead of love. (Now I know it.)
    What is common in all narcissistic is being unable to love, being disconnected with feelings. The altruistic type is trying to compensate by giving, sharing. It can be healing for them even without getting anything in return. In other cases if they don’t get the love hoping for their altruism they either turn invard (silence treatment) or get frustrated and start hurting to get the attention and relief as the other types. Being altruistic is an effort to get connected. But being oversensitive to everything disrupts the process later on.

    My father is relocating, meeting new friends there and visioning new plans. I asked if he wanted to open a pub there. (He used to work in his father’s pub.) He said no, because he does not want to ruin other peoples’ business there. And he means it. But this way he was never able to fulfill any of his dreams in his life, or build anything upon his talents. That’s how altruistic he is. On the other side he is the criticising type and the victim.

    My mother has her own business and succesfull financially. Every once in a while I received money, she purchased an apartment for me after graduation – things I never asked for.
    First time in my life (I’m 40), I did ask for money from her last Christmas to be able to start my own business. I got a very rude refusal explaining how badly she needs that money. And she explaned that I would be unable to build such a business on my own anyways.

  • dmeyers217@gmail.com'
    Deb
    September 21, 2014

    I was married when my N contacted me. I love/loved him so much I snuck around and would do anything to be with him. Gave him all my money and did anything I could for him in an attempt to make him happy. I left my husband for him in Jan 2014 and moved into the farmhouse I had helped purchase. Then his 23 year old son moved in with us and things really went south quickly. the “crown prince” could do no wrong and everything was my fault. I stopped paying all the bills, utilites, groceries, gas, farm equipemtn, anything and everything he wanted I paid for. He said I should stay with my husband and give my husband sex so he would continue to give me money (for him). I had to move to another town for school and we “broke up” however he called every morning and evening. Then I asked him were we in a relationship, friends, or friends with benefits. He texted back “go for it. best wishes” I got the message loud and clear and have been practicing “no contact”. He called about 6 times the first night, called several times the next morning, sent texts as how long I wasn’t going to talk to him. This was yesterday. It was also yesterday that I turned on my laptop he had been using and found out that he has been contacting women online since 2012. I read the emails and he always gave them his phone number to call him. One even called while we were watching TV one night. He said it was just about work though. If that was the case, why was he fired for their interaction at work. I have ignored all the signs until I saw it online yesterday. I couldn’t anymore. I texted him and asked him to take my money to the neighbors and he texted that we shouldn’t involve the neighbors. So I asked him to put it somewhere safe, let me know and I would pick up when he isn’t home. He texted back and told me to stop acting like a 3 year old. I just do not understand why I still love him so much. I know it is unhealthy and usually very painful emotionally and continually to be with him so why, why, why do I always desire to return? What does that say about me!!! I have a lot of furniture at both our farms and when I asked him to pay some of the money back, he told me I had 30 days to get my stuff off his property. Then he was nice again… (wanted sex) then mean, nice, mean…. I cannot do it anymore however I am afraid if I see him, he will pull me back in. Please, help…deb

  • maria-jose.ramos@hec.ca'
    Caro
    October 8, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    My boyfriend (now ex) with whom I shared the past 4 and a half years just broke up with me. The issue goes a while back. He cheated on me a year ago and although we decided to give our relationship another chance, I never felt he had true empathy towards the way I was feeling after the incident. He apologized but it never really felt sincere, and often he downplayed his actions or even get defensive about it all. On the other hand I did an introspection exercise to see how I could have contributed to making the relationship more fragile and did efforts to address those issues. He never self-reflected at all and has a hard time accepting his role and responsibility. I chose to accept the behaviour because I really thought he was a good man, generous, and a gentleman that said he respected women, and had a good heart. Often people would tell me how lucky I was to have him!
    We then were apart for 2 months because I was finishing my masters and he had a work project abroad. But the idea was for me to join him after I finished school. Two weeks before leaving it was my school’s celebration night (kind of like a prom) after having finished my studies. We spoke in the morning, but then would not answer any of my calls the whole day and night. It was an important day and he was out of the picture. He had said he was going to see some friends, so it was so weird he did not answer. Since he did not answer my calls I got worried and checked his email. He had gone to see this girl in another city 1 hour away from where he was. Next morning I was really angry at him and he noticed I got into his email because of the questions I asked. He said he had gone to this other city but with a friend to see this girl because she had invited them both. But this was clearly a lie because she had only invited him. We got into a fight and I said: “ok so when I get there I would love to meet those friends of yours… If you lied to me then I will quickly tell!” It was impulsive but I was so angry at him. Two days later he calls to break up with me saying he no longer loved me, had not seen a future with me for a while, did not imagine having kids with me, could not stand my controlling issues because he did not want a mother but a lover, and was extremely angry that I invaded his privacy saying that was something he would not tolerate. He said he wanted out and that he should have trusted his instinct and gut feeling about me a long time ago. I had never heard any of these doubts before! I asked if we could speak in person to figure things out and he said NO because I did not want to be loved by pitty. I started crying and he said his role was no longer to console me. He asked me to cancel my ticket (I was supposed to join him in 2 weeks) and did not even care how his decision had an effect on me or my life plans. I asked him to be honest with me as I had with him about going into his email because I wanted to know if he had cheated on me again. He denied it all and said I had serious control issues that I should deal with. Then I find out (although he does not know yet) that he is dating this girl he went to see, and it is quite possible he was dating her while he was with me. I feel like a discarded object am so angry and in pain about this turn of events… It is so hard to reconcile his actions with the man I thought he was. Everyone I tell this story just cannot believe he out of all people would do such a thing. I am very hurt and angry about the injustice of this situation… I know No contact is essential, but should I speak to him to tell him that I know he lied and tried to blame me for it all, or should I just leave it and let it be?

  • powell.tmarie@gmail.com'
    T. Marie
    October 12, 2014

    My Victory Story with a Narcissist:
    Two months ago my N husband of 27 years said he doesn’t know if he wants to be married any longer. Of course this happened after our 15 year old son found a sexually explicit text message on his phone from someone else. AND of course this wasn’t the first unfaithful circumstance. For the first two days after the text message reveal, I was in denial and on my best behavior so he wouldn’t leave me and my two teen children. I discovered that he is a Narc and began going to counseling and reading everything I possibly could about Narcissism. As difficult as it was to accept that the life I thought we had for the last 27 years was a lie, I forced myself to do so. I also felt the need to be an example to my children and felt (still feel) that I need to help my kids be in a healthy environment. I asked him to leave and went completely NO CONTACT. (He was very mean but acted as if he could care less) Two weeks later, I filed for divorce (I work for a divorce attorney). He acted as if he could care less when he was served. He has begun playing the victim with my 18 and 15 year old children and making me out to be the terrible bad guy. I have since discovered that he has been talking to his ex girlfriend from high school (9th grade) and reunited with an old friend who is a very scary and toxic person. But I am happy to say that he is living in an apartment with very little furniture. He has only a company vehicle with a really ugly company logo on it, has very little net disposable income and constantly crying to my kids that he is so lonely and wants to come home. I, however am so happy to be FREEEEEEE! My life is so much easier and less stressful. I know I have a long road ahead of me while co-parenting with an N but am confident that he will find someone else soon and leave me alone. I’m still in counseling (my kids are as well), in a divorce recovery group and doing a workbook on “Boundaries” (my new favorite word). Some days I’m sad and miss some parts of my old life but am so excited at what the future holds.

  • allmycrap53@yahoo.com'
    Marie
    October 15, 2014

    Someone I cared about meets this description very well…I have to agree that he is beyond human help. I am grieving as though he died. And I knew him less than a year! I am grateful it wasn’t worse.

  • linda.illumanardi@yahoo.com'
    Winda
    October 16, 2014

    Mel, I have been reading your site off and on for a couple of weeks. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and never saw anything unusual until I moved in with him. He does have unusual outbursts that I never see coming (in fact, it’s often when we are very happy), and he has a past history of drug and alcohol abuse (he’s been active in AA for 20+ yrs), and the tragic part, he was sexually abused by his father (an army corporal) at age 12. He works hard on his “steps,” he does morph out of his darkness, and comes around and can accept and identify what went wrong, and what buttons were pushed. He has agreed to counseling, or I have to leave, and the counselor I chose is an old acquaintance of mine who is a recovered alcoholic and a respectable member of our community. He is in a successful relationship, and is very honest with me. He has let my BF know that this round of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and very much like a “relapse” and needs to be worked on NOW. We saw him as a couple and then my BF goes alone. Yes, there are some qualities that I can yell YES when I read your article, yet I am wondering if someone who self-medicated due to the traumatic sexual abuse, and developed a deep misogyny due to his mother not protecting him from his dad, would also have some of these characteristics without being a clinical narcissist? He IS and HAS been very generous with his money, yet lets me control his paychecks and our household budget. He trusts me implicitly with his earnings. I also selected the financial manager and began his first IRA which he is managing with the manager’s assistance. He is overall admirable, and gentle with animals and children. If he didn’t have occasional outbursts, and use me as his target, I would honestly say I have a beautiful life. I want to believe in the healing power of the human spirit, and have a sane Plan B if he can’t show more steady growth. He has had a wretched past, and has made many mistakes, and he owns up to that without a doubt. ANd yes, I am known as a talented artist and teacher in our community, and am loved and respected by many. He watches my relationships with my students and my grandchildren, and makes many accurate and loving observations. When he goes off, it’s pretty bad, I admit, and I am at a place where I know I will not grow old with that behavior, and he knows it. He has never been with a “normee” (a non-addict), and seems to be relearning a lot of basic stuff at age 61. There are gains, and there is no doubt that he is a very different man than the man I met 2 years ago. We have had a wonderful time remodeling our home, building my studio, and supporting my art life and horse owning life. If he didn’t have anger outbursts that can become directed at me, I would have ZERO complaints. What do you think of this? I need input, because I don’t cry to my friends. I trust a few close family members and the professional therapist, and that is it. He is known by his employees as a loose fuse, and they keep out of the way when he goes off, and continue work, knowing he will cool down and return as a fair and rational man. A few employees have been with him over 25 years. I have met his brother. His father is dead (thank god), and his mother is dying in a nursing home far from here. His sister died of cancer, and so did his AA sponsor. Like me, he had one long-term marriage of 17 yrs with 2 children, and one short-term marriage which should never have happened. (50 yr old man hooks up with young sexual being 20 years younger, and when she’s done spending thousands of dollars, bails when the money gets low.) Shit happens. He does have a few sexual oddities that are within bounds, and when one considers the molestation, I feel he’s lucky he didn’t end up with something more unusual. Please give me some feedback if you have a moment. I would appreciate it immensely. This past week was rough, which is why we are in therapy. It was the first time that he went off 3 times within a week’s time. He recently had surgery (his first), and only has use of one arm which causes frustration, and he has been having payment issues with his main customer, which is stressful. That does NOT excuse his behavior, but his stress/coping skills are something he works on in therapy, along with anger management. Many thanks, and a big hug for the good work you do. Winda

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  • suewoods@shaw.ca'
    sue
    October 26, 2014

    I was married for ten years to a man who was clinically diagnosed with lack of impulse control, and narcissistic and sociopathic traits. I changed the locks five times between 2012 and 2013 after he left the house (following a violent rage attack) with a packed suitcase to “scare” me back into submission. It worked until the last time. I have been on my own for two years.

    The threats were serious – death, financial destitution, etc. When I peed my pants once during a physical attack – he laughed and told me to “grow up”. After an explosion of verbal rage, threats and physically retraining me, he would whistle and laugh to himself, or walk away humming a military funeral dirge. After I stood my ground the last time and said he could not come home again, he sent me a two-page email outlining his prolonged smear campaign against me, and a three page list of the collateral damage he had done to me. He called it an “apology” but immediately added that he really had not done any of those things (and only said them because I “wanted to be a victim” so he was just helping me out) and added that actually I had done those things to him. From two months after our wedding (following an intoxicating courtship) he started calling delusional, borderline personality disordered, a compulsive liar, irresponsible, douche bag, etc etc…

    I want to say that I am now being treated for PTSD using ‘EMDR Therapy’. It has helped me to see how I found myself trying to love and make a good home for a withholding, punitive, moody, self centred, arrogant, sadistic narcissist.

    The question that lingers is this: He continues to wear his wedding band and pay the mortgage (where I live alone) and gives me financial support without fail. I know he is whitewashing things by doing so – but – I also wonder if narcissists feel some level of guilt???

    He calls me every night (for past two years). I take his calls twice a week for a maximum of three to five minutes. I do not talk about our marriage (we are still legally married due to my need for financial security plus he freaks out at even the suggestion of divorce) and I let him brag on and on about his projects, his greatness, his stellar reputation….and I answer with three phrases: They are, “Oh”, “Really”, “Wow”……and when he gets verbally abusive I say “What?” The word “what” seems to stop him in his tracks. Momentarily.

    My survival technique comes from a place of finally “getting” that he is incapable of love, derives pleasure from my pain, and is an empty soulless being who would rather win then tell the truth. I do not feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me and I have learned about the meaning of self love. In that way he was my teacher.

    Do not let these people drive you to thinking suicide. I know how that goes. In a sentence, in my view, narcissists who marry good women to steal their confidence and life force and dreams and reputations, are as close as one can get on earth to the DEVIL. Save yourself from evil. Much love to all who suffer, from Canada. S

  • astudney@hotmail.com'
    Amanda
    December 3, 2014

    I feel I “dated” a narcissist. If you can “date” a married man?!? I met him at work, and we have known each other for 14 yrs! He seemed like a very caring man who was always so attentive and willing to listen. He appeared so caring and concerned for my well being. We entered into a “sexual relationship”…when I say a “sexual relationship” that is pretty much all it was…he would come over, have sex with me, talk to me for less than an hour, and then leave to go home and have dinner with his wife and kids. What shocked me about my own behavior is that I allowed this for 7 months!
    Then…I discovered that he was exchanging naughty pics with another coworker and was involved sexually with yet another coworker! Yes…we all work in the same organization!!! And he was sending us all the same pics of his penis!?! And…he was having sex with at least two different women…and most likely still having sex with his wife! When he was exposed, the other woman who was having sex with him told his wife, and his wife remains with him?!? What’s shocking is that he was “busted” 10 yrs earlier for having an affair and has NOT been faithful since. In fact, he has multiple “long term” sexual relationships with a number of different individuals from our organization.
    Now…I find myself attempting to recover from this “assault”. I have admired this man for 14 yrs and have had a “crush” on him for almost as long. He most likely saw how much I admired him and he fed off this & I am sure that is what attracted him.
    My question…I am aware that he most likely doesn’t “love” me…he’s probably incapable of love…but, now that I have told him I am not interested…will he continue to contact me? He always said I was “special” and it was when I confronted him about his multiple sexual relationships that he realized he has a problem and is now going to therapy. He even went so far to say that “we will have to see where things go once I am done with therapy”. I know I am not “strong enough” right now to fend off any advances from him and I just hope that he doesn’t attempt to contact me for at least a few months, so that if and when he does, I have the strength (and self esteem/respect) to push him away and tell him he’s an ass!

  • Rguss22@hotmail.com'
    Rachel
    December 18, 2014

    Hi! I stumbled upon your site literally last Thursday. I have since signed up for your emails. My story is long and I just need support!

    I met my ex narc (2 days ago he became my ex during one of his “rages”), at work at lunch where he was very charming and my girl and I thought “boy he’s so talkative and into himself”. Later that day, I recv’d and IM at work asking if I wanted to get coffee (we had a Starbucks in our building). I said no, I don’t drink coffee. The next day I got another IM at work, do you want to go for a walk (we had a trail around our building)? I said, no I don’t walk…I wear heels to work. Day three and he says, everyone has to eat, so let’s go get dinner. I finally caved and said as long as I can leave by 9 b/c my dad gave me a curfew. I’m 39 yrs old (36 at the time) and this was my way out if I didn’t like him. On the 8th day of knowing him; we would talk at work, I went to dinner with him to a very fancy place…I’m a tennis shoes and jeans kind of girl, so I didn’t need that. Nonetheless, we had a great conversation, took a picture at the restaurant “first date”, I felt very comfortable with him and I never trust – I’ve been raped before. At ten to 9, he said it’s almost nine, do you need to go? I said I’m ok and can stay. The conversation was just flowing, talking about how I wanted to get married, possibly have kids (he had three that he told me about), we talked about sex and everything in between, at least I thought everything. During this date, I knew nothing about the fact he was married TWICE before, just his previous wife. I also didn’t know that his three kids were from TWO different women (long story with that). He told me that his ex wife cheated on him and is currently still with him. After our first date, we talked daily and frequently at work and I was falling for this man…I’d never been married before and thought he’s perfect, YET, I told my parents he’s too good to be true…Date number two, he flies me (we both went) to another country (he told me to pack for X weather and bring your passport). OMG, was this really happening to me? He contacted my parents before we left and sent the itinerary, he came to my parents house (where I was living as I just moved back to the area from out of state) and they both loved and trusted him, so I agreed to go. We had an amazing time, massages, romantic dinners, wine, walking around for 3 days. During this trip, he tells me he loves me and I say nothing…I thought it was real, but I wanted to keep it to myself. I got back from the trip and a week later I began staying at his house more frequently (didn’t move my stuff in until 7months later), if not daily.

    Unfortunately, 3 weeks after we met, I reherniated a disc in my back and was paralyzed for four days and in the hospital…he stayed their in the room. Then my life changed forever, my father died by suicide in my apartment. My ex was there every step of the way, but I changed…at least that’s what I was lead to believe by him. He was supportive of taking me to doctors, with my dads funeral, my mother, just all around supportive. Then Sept, I fractured my finger so severely I had to have surgery…he was there. Then his one ex (by this time I learned his kids were from different moms), attacked me outside our house. He seemed very U phased by this unsupportive, which was weird. Then there was the first fight, where he tells me “I’m unloveable and no wonder why your ex left”. That crushed me. To this day, I don’t know where or why someone would say that. Anyway, by December he promised my the end of the year we’d be engaged, thus I flew my friends in and we spent the weekend wedding dress shopping and bridesmaid dress shopping. January, no proposal and now I’m in court with his ex and my mother (after my dads death, she fell off the rocker and disowned my brother and I). Now, I’m fully living with him and we had our extreme highs and extreme lows. I attributed it to my increasing depression; I just lost both my mom and dad. He became unemployed due to his contract ended, I paid everything; bills, his child support, everything. He began working 5 months later and I supported him and his kids the whole time. By June, I got us working out again and that seemed to help. By this point nothing out of the ordinary from a narc standpoint has happened. Then October rolls around again and I was so depressed and hurting myself, he said you either get help or were done. So I did…then the problems happened. I was hanging out with my new CF friends and on Halloween he showed his true colors in public…he got so pissed at me in front of his kids and our friends that I didn’t go trick or treating with his kids, yet I had no idea we had them or if we were going. In December with the guidance of my therapist, I moved out because I was afraid I was going to hurt him or his kids due to my severe depression. On Christmas I ended our relationship b/c I needed my space…then I got lured back in with all the promises. He agreed to couples counseling and by March we started counseling. He did NONE of the things that she recommended, their was always an excuse. Still at this point, 2 yrs in, I see none of these signs. I began going to therapy three days a week, did EMDR, couples, etc, whatever I could to get better. Then spring break of this year, I just felt something was off. I began thinking “he’s just not that into you, Rachel”. I brushed it off. June of this year my contract ended and then the shit storm began. I became defendant upon him, first time in my life and in our relationship that I needed help from someone and I couldn’t get it from my dad. We went on this all expenses 2 week paid vacation with his whole family with whom I love and I’m adored by. 3 days of the vacation I was alone in these countries b/c of his outbreaks. Fast forward, since our trip in July, he’s ended it 6-10 times and I’ve taken him back every time. The one in October was after I sold our truck and was without a car, was on the verge of losing my apartment b/c I couldn’t afford a big payment on our truck and the apartment. All the while, he’s looking at houses for “us”. Ok, call me dumb and naive, but I fell for it…then when he decided to buy a house without me on the mortgage, I was hurt beyond anything…this was supposed to be our future…Oct 7 this year he ended it “for good” after I told my apartment I was not renewing my lease, I was carless, jobless, and without any money in my account. 9 days later he contacts me and says everything we’ve all heard, I love you, I cannot live without you, you are amazing person, mother, friend…etc. I fell for it.

    We have been together since and he’s ended it 5 times since then b/c I’m feeling stronger and stronger daily from my grief. He did tell me about three weeks ago, “Rachel you need to get over your mom”. WTF, she’s my mom, I cant. Anyway, after “we” (he) closed on the house, I’m living in here. We have fought daily b/c I’m not doing it the right way…he picked a paint color for the kitchen, I bought a small container of it and painted the kitchen. He didn’t say thank you, he said, you didn’t do it the way I would.

    He has often had a hard time taking accountability, feel empathetic for hurting my feelings when I specifically say, “you just hurt my feelings”. His response 9 times out of 10, it’s my reaction to how you act. I got so pissed at him last week, I threw a glass at him. This was after he asked me how I’m doing, I responded saying, I feel hurt, this house was supposed to be our home – he still hasn’t packed a bag to move here and he’s told me twice this is his home and he wouldn’t pick my furniture or colors I’ve picked. We argued about paint colors…WTF!!!

    I’m incredibly hurt, sad, and confused after reading this blog today. He’s been told by his past two exes that he’s a narc (I finally told him the other day I thought he was when I threw th glass). I’m a personal trainer and yoga instructor…I’m not mean spirited. I want to apologize to him and I want him back, yet reading all your posts, I shouldn’t. I’m leaving out so much, I know, but I’m done typing.

    My question is this, can narcs go on meds to fix their imbalance? Can they change? Please help as I’m living in his house, he’s now my ex, I have no job, my car barely run, I have no money because I spent it all on him and his kids. I’m alone in this city and have no family and its 9 days until Christmas…Namaste

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Lina
    December 26, 2014

    OMG Melanie, you totally helped me with this article. I’ve been in turmoil for the past 2 years. Missing obsessing and having heart-retching pain from the sudden loss of my narc husband. He is exactly as you described. An altruistic narcissist. I have NARP but I didn’t use it because I doubted that he has a NPD, even if I had my suspicion.

    H left me without remorse and humiliated me openly. I couldn’t believe it was the same person I thought I knew. I was devastated and he left me completely broken. He cheated on me with more than one woman and then moved in with ow immediately after leaving. His family and friends all feel that what he did is perfectly normal. He left me alone after 16 years together and threw my whole life upside down. He stopped communicating with me verbally or seeing me. All of his promises were a sham and my fairytale marriage was nothing more than a lie. I’m still confused, and so is everyone else that knew him. Everyone of my friends were envious of the way he treated me but, of course, they did not see the emotional unavailability i was living with, the cold shark looking eyes when he felt I had diminished him. His abandonment’s every time I disagreed with his logic. He was absent emotionally but would make up for that with gifts and seemingly selfless acts. At times I would look at him bewildered and ask myself ” How can he love me this much. He is too good to be true” He was not true…he was a fake and an imposter. It must be exhausting for him to fake for so long?

    I was left with PTSD and have a very difficult time believing that I could ever find love again. He told others and me that I emotionally and mentally abused him and I have been blaming myself for 2 years. He put me up on a high pedestal and than kicked me hard onto the concrete and I’m still having a difficult time getting up and moving forward. I’m pretty much NO CONTACT but once in a while I’ve contacted him for practical matters and have expressed, in dignified ways, that I still love him in some of my emails. He has always responded with disgust for me.

    I’m dealing with an attorney now and I’m scared as to what he can do. I think he can be quite vindictive. I need to know how to best deal with a narc on the legal side. He hid all of our finances from me. He recorded his own thoughts of anger at me to keep score of what he perceived were injustices, he recorded his own session with his therapists (where he was only talking about me and what I did to him) He recorded our arguments without my knowledge for years. In 2010 my dr found that there was arsenic in my blood, I was saturated. I now feel he was trying to poison me too? I would have never thought that at the time because he seemed always so concerned for my well being. I thought he loved me to the bone…as he told his therapist. So many therapists are ignorant of NPD and they tend to make things worse for the victims of NA.

    Melanie I wrote to you before about endorsing your book but you communicate with so many people, I doubt you remember me? Is there anyway I can get some help other than NARP. I find it very difficult to do the program because each session is so lengthy. I also feel that the muscle testing is better done live. Thank you for the hard work you’re putting into informing on this devastating abuse which is still not acknowledged among many professionals. Keep it going….so many of us need to heal from this disabling pain from Narcissist Abuse.

  • frosty67@gmail.com'
    Steve
    December 27, 2014

    Hiya

    I found your website cos I wanted to know more about narcissists…I was looking into it about my current girlfriend…I still have my suspicions…I’m not quite sure…under the DSM4 there are a few attributes that fit, not so under DSM5…reading the website I feel there are definite traits in there, but then I also recognise things about myself which is also scary…so am I a narcissist too…thats a scary thought…

    But then in reading I also read a lot about a previous partner that really made my life a living hell and that has saddened me…am I a serial narcissist target…what does that mean about me…

    So currently feeling a little down….previous partner that I have two kids with appears to be a narcissist and current partner appears to have some narcissistic traits…feeling a little lost at the moment…

    I feel I need to find myself…so thinking of doing the empowered self course to try and “lve myself” again…

    Any thoughts anyone???

    Thanks

    Steve

    PS…I’ve purposely not included many details…its hurting abit at the moment…. 🙁

    • lina126y@hotmail.com'
      Strongwind
      December 29, 2014

      we can all find some traits that apply to us personally on narcissism. The real test is empathy and remorse. Narcissists don’t feel any…. they can fake those attributes. When we don’t want to see the act we ignore it and live in this state of confusion. Narcissists will eventually hurt you badly because they don’t care about your well being. If they can get enough people to agree with them and poor baby them, they’ll throw your life up side down and not ever look back at the destruction they leave behind.
      If you’re on FB there are sites that have more information.
      Narc-logy & Recovering from narcissism abuse. Take care of yourself.

  • tom@tomnapperdesign.co.uk'
    Tom
    December 31, 2014

    Wow. Altruistic Narcissism… So THATS how she got me!

    Melanie, everything you have written here sent shivers through me as I read. I know you should be wary of self diagnosing via online articles but seriously… every single sentence of what you have described here has struck an uncanny truth with me. I won’t bother divulging my entire story on here (I’m supposed to be working but I’m also just plain sick of listing down all the wrongs) but I’m six months out of a relationship with a younger girl who essentially destroyed me in the space of a year. Two months in I wound up with depression and social anxiety, juggling the “most adoring, loving, cute, lovely etc etc” girlfriend on one hand, with a girl who would suddenly ignore me in public for no apparent reason, belittle my intelligence, my choice of clothing, my choice of friends and threatening me with violence; to list a few of a constantly expanding list. All whilst I was convincing myself it was my depression creating the distance and pure repulsion I felt deep in my core. I just couldn’t let go in case I got better. In case we got better. Eventually after a year of me trying to break free some 10+ times, she eventually got rid of me. I’m finally starting to realise that instead of feeling the pain of rejection I’m actually extremely lucky to have escaped. Deep breaths and a voyage of rediscovering myself ahead. I havn’t even worked out the true extent of the damage. I doubt I ever will. But this article has filled in some massive gaps and I’m only two days into your emails!

    Thanks so much and Happy New Year Melanie, 2015 is going to be fantastic x

  • nairobichilling@gmail.com'
    Liz
    February 3, 2015

    Thank you so much Melanie,

    thank you for what you are doing. I have a long history with these, in relationships all the way to high school (I am 40’s) now. I always wondered why it kept repeating itself in my life, then I learned that it was probably due to my mother: she too, is one. My relationship with her got so bizzare that I went ” no contact” when I learnt about it. Now she too is “missing me and crying” to get me back! But I am so seriously done with her roller coaster I doubt I be back, she has always lied to me, smeared me, turned from hot to cold, I’m done. Now it’s the man part that I want work on, healing my wounds and moving on. I was really distressed about yet another smear campaign until I read another one of your articles saying that I should not feed it with my fear and energy- such a massive load off my shoulders. Great article!

  • Ron@heronfabrications.co.uk'
    Ron
    February 8, 2015

    Hello everyone,
    I am 60 and live in the uk.
    I had been married for 40 years and have two 30 odd year old children .
    without their support love and devotion i would not be sat here writing this and seeing now that there is a life beyond the nightmare and shocking lifestyle that was the last 30 odd years.
    Two years ago a complete families life came to the most cruel and brutal end that even now i still struggle to even talk about and all of us are still in a state of shock, hurt , pain and at times experiance totally unnecessary feelings of guilt.
    Tragically we all saw the end in sight and knew we were living on borrowed time but simply did not know when or how that final day would arrive.
    My story is so complex, so difficult to relay and so hard to come to terms with that two years after divorcing my wife it feels like only yesterday .
    I came across Melanie and her work completley by accident and i joined only a week ago.
    All of you must know my story but i need to tell you about it calmly and after a bit more time reading more from all those who contribute here. Its hard for me to realise now that so many others have and will be living in the same world as myself behind closed doors with no visible means of escape. I am going to send my story to Melanie a bit later , who obviously does not know me from Adam, and hopefully help her in my small way to continue raising awareness of a condition and disorder that claims thousands of innocent victims, be they adults or children alike .
    In the uk i can tell you mental health is way down the list of priorities and narcissism as a feature of mental health does not even figure yet which is why a long list of councilors seen over many many years could not break or even dent the life long struggle a dad and two kids were subjected to for so long.
    I felt i could not escape as i had two young kids to fear for and saying i stayed for them is something i knew was not within the normal confines of a marriage in trouble or conventional marriage problems, if there is such a thing. Danger, real danger existed for them , masked by the behaviour of an absolute professional expert in the art of deception who has today convinced the poor fools outside that she herself is the abused and hurt person to the detriment of her own husband and children.
    As a dedicated , loving husband and two loving , kind caring children we have been punished severely and beyond all form of humanity for being precisely those sorts of people?
    In reading all the posts here i can take something from them all and fit a part of the widespread jigsaw into my past life. Some of you mirror my own experiance with slight twists whilst others involve things not seemingly attached to my life.
    Its numbing to me how i could have gone through such a long time holding on to what was precious and dear to me . I feel a fool, an idiot , a mug and at times wishing i had tried harder and perhaps i could have fixed things differently.
    Back in the late sixties and seventies this sort of stuff was a no no. Marriage meant in love and in sickness for ever. There were not any councilors around then.
    I am sure that if i can get my story out some of it will remain unbelievable to some but i am an honest decent man and it hurts to have to tell people that you are not the person being portrayed to all that will listen. I never thought i would have to say that but Melanie does raise that aspect .
    My family has lived with painkiller addictions, apparent depression,frequent suicide attempts ( only just enough pills taken for admission to hospital to avoid responsibility for self inflicted personal problems) huge debts run up in complete secrecy and worked off by me to be run up again a little later, A stream of other male interests through out our married life with all the lies and deciet that went with it and tempers and rages that saw our house smashed up whenever called out on any of these things . I and my children had no lives ourselves forever trying to cope with one situation after the next with one overlapping the next sometimes. As most here will know of course all of these personal problems were directly my fault and as a direct result of MY BEHAVIOUR!!!!!
    The final act against myself entered truly disturbing areas that involved the police , solicitors , more councilors , new powerful drugs and the last ever leaving home for good to a place i nor her children nor anyone could trace for a long time. With that went our house sale money for retirement , my daughters car and personal possessions of such personal value to myself (like letters from my dead father to me ). My son and i were made homeless overnight and our small business , run by him and i alone , bought to its knees .These were deliberate calculated acts.

    Could any man still wish for the love for his wife to remain? Mine did and i am now ashamed of myself for even then hoping i could bring her back to the people that loved her.
    I hope i can tell my story here soon to help others and Melanie to draw more awareness to something that is beyond the realms of anyone to understand unless they have been here and experianced first hand.
    I will do what i have done so often in the past again, but this time i know i,m on the wrong side of age but already life is getting better. Now i have found Melanie,s site and so many people in the same situation i know i can get through this. No contact is essential and whilst i wanted to shout from the highest building for all to hear the truth i am glad i did not. That we have remained silent and concentrated on our lives instead is the one thing that did not go according to plan in her mind and now the unexplained is being explained to those “friends” who left us based on the most horrific and awful claims about a husband and two kids. Sure, their mostly male friends whose interests have been excited at the new possibilities ahead as individually they think they are the only one being enticed into providing desperately needed attention, but i no longer have to eject them away from my family do i?
    Its not easy letting go , especially as this has come at a late stage for me . It hurts like hell but slowly , bit by bit it becomes less. Sitting by the sea with my two grown children , doing things we never could before , being proud of each little step forward we take , having a safe secure roof over our heads again , building our small business back up and being proud of that and seeing my son finally see a future so ruthlessly taken away by hidden debt so many times is so good.
    Im looking over my shoulder still, hoping that whats ahead of us wont be destroyed again but i know it cant now.The worlds a quiet place now ,like an empty void, once full of every type of awfull problem and heartbreak . Its a strange place indeed but slowly, bit by bit good things, loving things and only nice things are filling that hole. Now i know that so many others here are and have lived this hell i know i can do this. If i can help just one other single person hold on to a very very long rope ladder to get out of that hole at the same time as myself then i have achieved something far greater than i could have imagined doing before.
    Do not lose your faith in respect, dignity and real empathy for others , there is no cash value for that.
    Hopefully i can come back here shortly and join forces in a real way.
    regards
    ron

    • Traceyvachon@hotmail.com'
      Meghan
      April 21, 2015

      Hi after reading many articles and everyone’s stories on here, I can’t believe how similar it all sounds to me
      I met a man roughly 4 years ago, online, and I’m not too proud of it but it happened. I was at a point of being confused about my direction, my kids were entering their late teens and didn’t rely on me and I felt lonely.
      During this time my ex and i had met online, the first 6 months he went over the top with tons of daily emails professing his love, I was the woman of his dreams, he wanted me to marry him (we hadn’t even met), I was the mother he’d wanted for his grown children, anythjng you can imagine, I was “it”.
      He went away on an assignment and flew here to North America 6 months after we had met online. Things were beautiful, he was the perfect gentleman. Although I knew he had quite a list of friends in FB and they were all women, and I had even seen some small talk amongst them that I was curious about, I dismissed it. Red flag
      During the next two years we spoke many times a day and more and conversation and communication was great. During this time I began noticing odd things and atill in the back of my mind of the conversations i had found on his fb. I noticed when we chatted on Skype the list of his contacts grew, I had caught him in quite a few lies involving him and other women, he would say he’d be gone for a few days here and there on “work assignments”, although he had no real job. He had numerous social media profiles with different names that i called hjm on, all with an excuse. So all these things combined were always in my head, BUT, according to him I was everything to him as I was at the very beginning. One day he emailed me from across the world where he “supposedly” was working in a private assignment to tell me he had met a girl many many years younger and they were getting married! For the next year he tried to convince me (when he left her country and went back to his in Europe) that he had thought about things and she was not for him but she was pursuing him still but he just couldn’t get rid of her. He called her horrible names to me, how he despised her and she was so unattractive and how could he have done this. We remained together with our long distance relationship. He travelled here many times during our years together and we spent weeks at a time together so it was more than just communicating online, we were very involved with one another. His last trip here, everything was beautiful as usual, like a honeymoon. All the while still in touch with this young girl who wouldn’t get out of his life. Shortly after he left here on that last visit I noticed things had become distant with him when he got back home. I was always very skeptical
      Of his actions and secretiveness and always was on top of things and called him out on it numerous times. But this was different..he wasn’t answering messages, texts, phone calls for days. Finally he contacted me and apologized and told me what i had been suspicious
      Of all along…he was moving to this young girls country and marrying her!! I tried to tell him he was moving way too fast and he didn’t know this girl and you don’t fall in love with “anyone” especially when you say you hate them and all the horrible things he had said. Didn’t matter, he married her anyway. We had little
      Contact after that on my part. I was so devastated. I finally went NC for four months until Xmas he contacted me begging for forgiveness and that I was correct he had done the wrong thing and she was nothing but a young immature girl and he wanted me back!! Yeh, ok but he was now married, small problem. He didn’t care. He went on and on with the love bombing and planning to leave her for a short time and come to the states to see me. I couldn’t believe it, I knew I was right, he jumped way too fast into this and he did love me!! That day I was on cloud nine and couldn’t believe it. The next morning I awoke to a long message from him apologizing that he can not do this to her. Although he loves me, he can’t hurt her because he loves her as well. I was furious and now believed he was a lunatic and the communication stopped once again. The end of feb comes and once again a message saying all the same as at Xmas..he wanted to see me very badly. He was now home in his country an they were waiting for her visa to be able to join him but she remained in her far off land until then. So agin he was over the top with his undying love for me and his hatred for her…this went on for a couple wks until mid march with the back and forth and he trying to find a way to get here, making me believe he was hoping to end his marriage (or I’d never agree to hurting this girl or destroying a marriage) and promising me a lifetime with him. Although very skeptical, I was on the fence this time. It has now all ended, one day the communication just ended after sending me about 100 emails the day prior of his undying love and promises. Not a word from him at all. I tried to contact hjm for a short time but now know he probably is ignoring me again. I am not trying to contact him anymore, I don’t know what his story is and I don’t know if I will hear again. This has made me crazy this unacceptable behavior and I’m more convinced than ever he is an altruistic narc…am I correct? More so because he was always very very nice (fake self), never spoke badly and thought our fake relationship was the most important thing in the world. No physical harshness from him, but definitely an emotional manipulator.
      Oh his upbringing was horrendous with a single mother who molested him and three siblings from other men, and she had committed suicide and my ex was 12 and had found her…then thrown around from abusive relative to foster homes for years. I don’t know what therapy he has had but attribute this narcissism to his past perhaps?

  • vpmhomeplacement@gmail.com'
    angie
    February 28, 2015

    I been with mine for 9yrs, he proposed to me 3yrs ago, he broke off our engagement and took my ring, kicked me out the house, i couldnt leave him so we are now bf n gf living apart. I wish i was strong enough to leave him and never look back. I didnt have a job or home, my family took me in and finally landed a job. Every other week hes caring n loving, every other week hes a enemy treats me like crap, emotional wreck. When he kicked me out he put a gun to my head, then he rented one of the rooms to a female . 2 weeks after he pleaded with im sorry please forgive me and i took him back

    • ron@heronfabrications.co.uk'
      ron
      April 28, 2015

      Hello all,
      Its Ron from February post above.
      Just a note at this time to say that i and my children have in the last couple of weeks found out that their mum is engaged to be married!!!!
      Nothing to her kids and its a man who she has worked with for years.
      With these people it takes a long time for the truth and fact to come out but sooner or later it does. Just how lacking in empathy can these people be ? To all outside she professes her love for her own children yet cannot even tell them something like that and they find out through a neighbour????Her daughter travelled to where she thought her mum lived to try and talk to her and get to the bottom of just what it is she and her brother have done so wrong but did not know the house number so rang her from her car. Not being with anyone at that point she told her daughter , in three words only, something that no loving , caring daughter should ever have to hear from a mother.Its completley sick.
      What will now happen is that all those around her mother will be told the absolute reverse of what happened and receive even more sympathy and support as the victim whilst my super daughter hurts even more. For me it is a hurt to learn that the person you have spent your life with trying to cope with every possible nightmare thrown at you has been doing what you knew in the first place she was . Two kids were worried about telling me but they should not have been. The poor guy has no idea what he is in for once the novelty wears off and im sure in many ways he genuinely thinks he will be the only one. I wish i could warn him but my life gets better by the month now.
      For my kids they know there is no hope and im proud of my daughter for trying that one last time. I have finally written a short description of a families life at the hands of a monster and will post it here later.
      regards to all
      ron

  • nychoekyi@gmail.com'
    Choekyi
    June 19, 2015

    Definitely, thanks heaps. My mother, a diagnosed NPD with borderline traits can be charmingly altruistic and 2 weeks down the track, one fears one´s very survival. To me, the explanation of “grandiose” altruism makes a lot of sense: if i don´t get you by “love”, i destroy you (she even said that), although i can´t help but seeing schizophrenia in all of this. I find it difficult to live with the constant lies, boudary transgressions “in the name of love”, and above all manipulation into failure: as if the narcisstist also proves his omnipotence by seeing others fail, and does everything possible to accomplish that to THEN appear as the saviour, all the while in complete control of one. At the same time, i see her as vulnerable, and never know whether her “demonic” aspects are the results of not feeling loved, which seems to equal abusing others… but i can see that it´s a dreadful suffering they are in, which, again, gives them “power”, for i observed that one form of narcissistic vampirism thrives exactly by that, and so, one ends up “freezing” (the heart).

  • Angeldior04@gmail.com'
    Shy Eye
    June 29, 2015

    Hello to all.
    Firstly I’m so sorry for all your stories and any pain you feel. You must stay strong.
    I’m 33 and have only just come across the Narcissistic (word & behaviours) FOREVER Iv been wondering why I’m so scared of certain people and/or paranoid? I have always had a fear inside of me that makes my chest so tight, I feel sick and sometimes physically ill!
    It’s caused me to lead a very lonely life, although I have children and had a abusive/violent relationship almost ten years ago now to whom I finally found the strength to leave. (Best thing I ever did for my children) it’s actually not that story why I’m reading and finding out things. I may sound so stupid now and not sure I’m even reading the correct information or page etc. But it’s my parent!!!!!! ;( I still cannot BELIEVE this is happening to me!! But finally I realise that it’s not me! I’m not crazy as they all say. I am the scapegoat of the family and always have been. Now I’m changing, well trying to it seems to make things even worse and I’m so so scared of them coming for a argument or something worse happening like a fight etc!!! I have always even as a child had this fear and do not know how to stop it all or stay calm and NOT worry all the time! It’s stops me from being happy and I’m missing out on my children my new relationship and myself as I just don’t know how to be ok???
    After living this life of on and offs from a mother (who I feel Iv never had) who’s attacked me many times (also other family members when I was a child I’m just finding out) her nasty comments never anything nice, sibling hatred now towards me Iv lost my sisters and many more things it’s just all too too much for my heart! I’m a bit of a soft touch really who would do anything for anyone which is why I feel I can’t escape ;( I mean how do you when you love your family???

    I’m ever so sorry if I’m on the wrong page here as I’m new to all this and not to great with Internet either lol. Good luck to you all on your journeys wishing you ALL the strength in the world.

  • joy.bianchi.brown@gmail.com'
    Joy
    August 7, 2015

    Hi. Your articles are blowing my mind. I realize that the man I’ve been in a on and off again relationship with for 5 years has all of these tendencies. However, I’m wondering what it is about MYSELF that also allowed this. I have these tendencies too! The articles speak about the N as unchangeable, and almost evil… but my thought is that they are just broken, hurting individuals themselves? Is there any possibility for redemption or change or healing for them? I’m not saying that it is my responsibility to change someone else, but just wanting him to be happy and healthy in his life…. and also for MYSELF and the N tendencies I’m seeing… how do you change?? Would love yoru thoughts.

  • extrastuffaccount@gmail.com'
    Sara
    September 4, 2015

    Thank you so much for this important work. It seems that this was written some time ago, but in case anyone writing on or doing research on this topic reads this – I haven’t been able to find anything on the relationship between narcissistic personality traits and so-called puer aeternus (my understanding is that’s the Jungian archetype of the “eternal boy.” Obviously every narc. is different so there wouldn’t always be a connection (aside from, as I understand, a weak sense of Self), but the cross-pollination of these phenomena seem common and particularly thorny. Hope to see some work in the future!

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  • jrolker@yahoo.com'
    Jeff
    November 6, 2015

    Wow! I have already realized that my wife is a narcissist, but this altruistic description fits her better than anything I’ve found so far. At times, she seems extremely generous, but she becomes very angry and vindictive if others do not reciprocate. We are now separated and she still tries to manipulate me, but I discovered the technique of “medium chill” in order to deal with her and I’ve found that I am now able to stop the drama from escalating when I talk to her. We have children, so “no contact” is not an option, so I limit contact to what is necessary. She tries to make me feel guilty for things but I don’t bite. I simply say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and end the conversation as quickly as possible. For those of you reading this who are struggling to deal with someone like this, I encourage you to look up “medium chill.” You simply respond calmly and do not let the conversation escalate into an argument. If you continue to argue with a narcissist, he or she will keep coming back to you as a supply. I am a friendly person and I’m finding that it is very comforting to reconnect with old friends right now. I will be very careful to avoid becoming involved with a narcissist in the future and am educating myself as much as possible. And like the author said, we must take the time to heal. Eat well, exercise, have fun with friends, and even talk to the opposite sex so that you may see that there are some genuinely loving people out there! Just don’t rush into any serious new relationships.

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  • mcc93@comcast.net'
    Michelle
    November 23, 2015

    After reading this, i unfortunately feel even less certain now about my ex-partner.

    He did switch quickly from warm, to VERY cold, & it usually had to do with me not responding to him in a way he wanted. He also withheld affection & sex, or at least it felt that way to me, and that was frustrating and painful.
    The difference is, he never attacked me verbally, raged, or “went off” in anger, ever, in the 2 yrs we were together & I felt confident that he was faithful to me. He was/is a big loner type, and seemed to prefer to be left alone to be honest. Something always felt off though, in that he was unpredictable, in his treatment of me. Sometimes i was the love of his life, and other times it felt like we hardly knew each other. He could be so incredibly cold at times. Are some narcissits loners who dont cheat or rage?

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    www.regimeexpress.xyz
    November 24, 2015

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    saima
    December 2, 2015

    feel like you know my ex so well.100 % correct im glad that im not alone ….such blood suckers do exists i believe…

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  • miss.t.76@gmail.com'
    Tuleesa
    December 6, 2015

    Hi, thank you for the article and the wonderful work you are doing. I am looking forward to hearing more in the webinar. However I would like to make a point of the warning signs you said could lead to them being a narcissist as I am concerned people who are not will be discriminated against and put in the no good basket. I do not have a relationship with my parents because they are abusive from as early as I can remember and my mother is a narcissist, so its not possible for me to be in a relationship with them, I realised after years of trying that I need to protect myself from them not try to fix it and the only thing I could do is stop contact. Can you please adjust this warning sign list to show that it doesn’t mean someone is a narcissist because they have been abused as a child and now don’t have anything to do with them out of there need to be protected.

    Thank you and God bless.

  • filmaudio@aol.com'
    gary
    December 12, 2015

    I have been married to a “Narcissistic Woman” for 35 years. We have a wonderful son together. I have played the cat and mouse game (her lovers) with her for years. She became a teacher at the age of 45 she is now 55. Shes attractive but still shows her age. For the last ten years I have watched her have affairs with another teacher and the janitor. her class room is in a building that is locked down so her and the janitor spend many later hours. When she comes home she smells like him.
    But last month I saw her hook up with one of her students after school. She denied she even saw the kid and I saw it with my own eyes.
    I ‘m a 65 year old disabled male and I cry everyday because I know I should do something but who do I tell and they would never believe me because I can’t prove it.
    She knows I know because I confronted her, but of course as always she says I’m the one that’s crazy.
    If she get caught and goes to jail it will destroy my son.
    I don’t know what to do next. HELP ME

  • carlyn@ualberta.ca'
    Carlynn
    December 24, 2015

    just…. thank you. thank you for this. every single word of it, including the exes and new ‘friends’ online all the time, the hiding of the phone and computer, ‘friendships’ with women that suddenly ended abruptly and with anger, the long and terribly genuine letters from him, the blaming, the isolation and abandonment followed by reason why i deserved it and a new commitment of love to me with more promises, and then the whole cycle would start again. large sums of money borrowed and never paid back, … and the beginning was just like you described, a ‘true romance’ where i was the one he was waiting for his whole life within days of meeting me and every woman before me was a bitch and i was the one. emotionally unstable unavailable and unfaithful for 5 straight years. I finally got my sh&& together and left him for someone who is honest and cares about me. getting a divorce is the hardest thing in the world to me, as i truly believed in our shared dream that really started unravelling six months into knowing him. i wanted so badly to believe. My new relationship might not last forever, but i’m glad it came along to help replace this horrible lie that was my marriage, and to ease the pain of it. whatever i had to do to get away i did because i’m by nature incredibly loyal and giving and i just didn’t want to give up on him. but i had to. and thanks to this article i can sleep well for the first time in a long time because i know i did the right thing.

  • jworley@cchrc.net'
    Joy
    December 30, 2015

    Can a person be completely normal for years and then begin showing Narc tendencies slowly and become completely Narc after a few years? My husband was a wonderful husband and father for the first ten years of our marriage. He gradually changed and now seems completely Narcissistic. He is very emotionally abusive to me. He loves me one minute and the next tells me he hates me, he wishes thta I would stop breathing because that is the only way he is ever gonna get rid of me. But when I try to leave, he begs me to stay and promises to change. Then it is right back to normal with the love/hate. He is wonderful with my family. Helped care for my ailing and then dying father for years. Buys food for the homeless and even a motel room once on a cold night.
    I just can’t reconcile who he is now, with the wonderful man he used to be. We have been married for 23 years and for the first ten, it was wonderful. Now, I am miserable. I work two jobs and he refuses to get a job at all. Doesn’t do housework or cook unless he wants to. Doesn’t cut the grass and on and on. He says its my fault he doesn’t do anything because of my attitude. I wioll admit I am a bitch about it all. I will also admit I had an affair a few years ago and almost left him for the other man. SO I am not completely blameless, but I am completely miserable.
    At this time he is in a loving mood, but just four days ago, he hated me and was leaving. I just don’t know what to do.

  • Anomalyspect@gmail.com'
    Anny
    January 13, 2016

    I’m still struggling inside wether or not my ex is a narcissist.

    He broke up with me via text and before hand he would do a Jekyl and Hyde like call pattern. He’d call me saying he just wanted to hear my voice and three days later go off on me…this was the pattern. I would have delt with it differently but having him talk about what underlying issues connected to events, beyond vague statements is like pulling teeth. We were long distance half our relationship. One particular conversation was after he had called “just to hear my voice…” In between last talking to him my grandfather passed and I was there with him and I believe helped him pass, so I texted my boyfriend of 10 years at the time to say I ha something important to tell him. He called the next day and started yelling at me. I told him wait, wait, I texted that to tell you grandpa passed away..and before I could finish he told me I used that to cut him off and hung up on me. I texted him,”you know you just told me I used a family members death to cut me off…”

    He could never have a normal conversation with me it was either passivity or a big blow out. Now let me state last I had seen him at that point was 6 months prior which when I left I told him I didn’t want to leave him an was crying..he told me not to cry because he would be down in two weeks. A month later right after Valentines Day I was soo depressed with all that had been going on, battling legally my management to get rid of bedbugs that spread from another’s apartment, not sleeping because of it, my Dad almost dying ending up in the hospital for a month then my grandfather I didn’t have the strength to argue or question his Jekyl and Hyde…and I had been waiting soo long for him to show. VDay comes and he video chats me showing me all the cool stuff he’d been doing in his shop (this was after my grandfather passing, no apologies and I wrote off him being like this because he’s gettin off one of his mental meds)…I was tired at that point and didn’t even realize it was VDay until he asked if he could get right back to me and I saw the date on my phone. I called back later saying happy valentines and he read me an anti-VDay poem, saying how it was corporate and stupid. All this time he’s showing off what he’s doing (he’s well off, excuse after excuse why he couldn’t come down yet, when I’ve taken greyhounds and planes to see him but he refuses to and always must drive) I told him after that poem I didn’t want to speak..he asked what’s the matter which I thought would just lead to another fight, and I never understood why he seemed soo okay without me. I texted him I don’t want to speak and he texted me back,”I never want to speak to you again.” And that was it…

    I thought our breakup was all my fault. After that year I took to drinking wine every night….I know that was wrong and since have stopped.

    He gets ahold of me almost a year to the day of the breakup and tells me,”You hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that.” and my heart skipped, almost exploded and on for 3 weeks of jokes, him being cute, sending me pics of his life, I love you, I’ll always be in love with you, I miss you on Christmas until New Years I sent him pics of a special place we went to holding hands at night where you could see all the city. He wrote back,”Love the pics ;-)”….then silence for 2 weeks. Also may I add I was talking with a friend who is once removed from him. An old best friend that has taken his side in things. She told me two weeks after the final text that he’s move on and has a gf. I freaked out and texted him,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission.” THAT is when he finally replied saying,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!! All I meant is in happy you’ve moved on because I have! And yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice. That I carpet bombed him with messages and that it’s NEVER going to happen!!!!”

    I went into a deep deep depression after that and was sent by my psychologist a month later to a crisis center. I decided to try calling him one more time because the cognitive dissonance in my head was really messing with me. He answered and hung up then started video chatting me. I asked him why he was video chatting me now and he said because he was worried about me….
    Things advanced and he told me he was no longer dating the girl because,”she used me, she was younger.” Which I think was a dig but he also told me how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that dated once and found eachother 10 years later.
    He told me he was paranoid I might be using him a few weeks later.

    I asked him later about saying he was still in love with me and he told me,”I must have meant it then.”…….

    He told me how I have cycles, which I took to heart and admitted I did…and then told me,”you can only keep promises others let you keep.” This he told me right after I got into the crisis center….

    Later told me,”he knows he did some stuff wrong but he’s not the kind of person to punch walls.”

    After years of long distance I did admit making out with a few friends when drunk but walking away from it. I felt terrible about it and this was when he said everyone was telling him I fucked around on him. I felt terrible about it but has written it off as me walking away and nothing close to sex. That was for me and him…. and this probably is justification but I was angry. Never knowing when he’d call me back, when I’d see him next…..ect….for years of him promising it would be him and I, sleeping with my phone hoping he’d call and it being dead in the morning. He got really upset and yelled,”I could never do that to you! How would you feel?” and at that point I got upset. Years waiting, 10 year relationship, the longest he dissapeared no notice was 3 months, after lying to me and this after he said he was coming back for me. After 3 months and he popped back up I went right back to him….because of what he’d been through but we never talked indepth.

    He ended up at the end of us talking after that year, yelling at me saying he was a beaten dog, I brainwashed him, the entire 10 years was shit!!!

    During the last time we spoke all he talked about was his new life, his new friends, and would often cut out my opinion by trumping mine with the thoughts of one of his new friends. When I finally asked him why he didn’t tell me about the gf he said to me,”You can’t even ask me how my day is going, and you don’t let me speak!!!” Which I told him if he had anything he wanted to talk about I would always set the time aside for him the other times he interrupted me trying to actually get to our issues and I’d never get to my point which when I protested he would tell me I didn’t let HIM talk when he had no interest in what I had to say, woukd jump to conclusions before I could conclude. So this time asking why he didn’t tell me about the gf and just disappeared and replied how he did I said,”Okay, maybe what I’m feeling is from you, it’s all about you now then. I’m here to listen.” An entire month goes by and he gets weirder and weirder….after him saying he was coming down to see me, not once but twice, once before a wedding he was conducting and once after near my birthday. Of course right before that was supposed to happen he texts me,” This was an exceptionally bad idea, I’m done!! I’m off to marry Ben and Alesha!!” Ruined my birthday…and on my birthday when I finally texted him he just texted “Merry Birthday ;-).” And starts telling me how he got texts all day because it was actually his other friends birthday too….

    This and soo many other things….hitting in me continually and I hate to say this here but he would say,”stuff only your vagina knows…” Other stuff….and when phone sex actually happened after a few days of hitting on me he starts giving me a lecture on empathy!!!

    And like I said, my heart broke even more…screaming at me at the end I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself, all that time and only now is he getting over it!! The 10 years was shiit!!!!

    It’s hard to reconcile this person with the person I was in love with and to think he orchestrated all of this…..Did he know??!! This is what he believes….after soo much time invested.

    • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
      JPJ
      January 19, 2016

      Hi Anny and Melanie;

      Hi guys.
      Reading through your story brought flashbacks from my last relationship, where I learned what narcissism is. It is all the little things that don`t add up or fit into the puzzle that are the giveaway clues. Anny, you list many of these. Right from the ‘3 day wait”, they never stop.
      Melanie`s articles are amazing and you should read them all. She gives so much basic groundwork, the tools that it is becomes so much easier to spot “narcs”.
      What he did to you, and please Melanie, jump in here on this, Gaslight you. Your story is great because I can almost feel your downward slide as he undermines your confidence level.
      Your pain, unfortunately will end up helping others free themselves from a parasitic narc.
      So there, yes you were/are dealing with a narc. Someone who is not real, has never been there for you in an honestly and was using you to fill in the missing parts of his life whenever it suited him.
      Do not even attempt to reconcile with this person. Turn and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

  • amandac04@hotmail.com'
    Amanda
    February 23, 2016

    Hi Melanie by the way my best friend’s name Melanie too and thank u so much for your stickies. I have now gone three days no contact not that my narc has gone ghosting till its convient for him. And I just want to say step one I changed my number and we’ll it was a long distance relationship for me anyways cause I’m sure he has women in the side but my question here is how do u feel about narcs that are alcoholics?? I know the whole relationship was all about him… Him telling me what I want to hear then me giving him what he wants and falsely being happy then becoming upset till he got the next best thing round and round and the I would catch him in lies or call him out in his life and then bam I’m nothing to him and so I was wondering if he is a narc and alcoholic we have been thru then same cycle the ending always my fault and well his drinking has highly escalated too two liters in two days it’s like a 40 yr old man stuck in party mode 80’s dress and all Someone please give some advice on this?? I am not going back to him just glad we don’t live in the same town it’s just I guess I need help with closure cause I know he is like talking to a brick wall. Thank you!!!

  • weltenlaeufer@hotmail.com'
    Oliver
    March 6, 2016

    Hello Melanie,
    this article is so helpful. I am still in the aftershock phase learning all of this and I am still confused. I was in a 10 year relationship with a girl who always told me how much she loved me. During the relationship I tried to teach her to open her heart chakra because I felt that something is wrong. It was tricky because she always was happy on the outside and I was wondering why I wasn’t. During the relationship I isolated myself more and more, got into a serious depression and was wondering what was wrong with me. I couldnt sleep well, woke up tired and had crazy muscle pains always wondering what was wrong with me. Sometimes when we were with other people I saw her behaving in ways so different to what she portrayed to me but I thought that her real self is the one she showed me and these moment where she slipped were just accidents. We moved together to the States of the beginn our relationship. In the end I found out on a vacation trip to Germany that she was cheating with a supposed friend for over 6 months, even bringing the guy back home and hanging out with me and him together all this time. I couldnt believe what I found out because her behaviour towards me, the facade of the happy one wasnt different compared to all these years before. The gap between what she portrayed to be, the loving happy perfect girlfriend to what I found out was so huge, I felt my whole reality smashed. She went back to the States, telling me how much she loved me but that I shouldnt come to the airport, telling me to let her do her thing while still telling me she loved me. She also accused me of brainwashing her and that it was my fault and that there was no other way than doing it the way she did…..She went back, got together with the guy but still texted me over the coming months that she was soo grateful for everything I did and that she will always love me. This completely screwed with my mind and still does sometimes. I still don’t know if she was this perfect enlightened person and me being the bad person…..I bought your modules, started doing module one, I am in for the 8th time but still this confusion about who that person was is severe. She didn’t send me one thing of my belongings even upon request, always making up excuses with overwhelming texts how much she loves me. I know her love probably was never real in the first place but coming to terms with it, with all these years believing in an illusion is very difficult for me and I dont know how to go about it. Do you have any advice. I feel like I am brainwashed. Thanks for everything you do, I feel I finally found a place to heal. I found out what happened June2015 and the first months I barely could walk and basically was trying to come to terms with

  • russdsgn@gmail.com'
    Russell
    March 14, 2016

    Hi I’m a gay man. All the pronouns in this story are He so don’t be confused!

    Ive had over a year of no contact.
    I keep waking up dreaming about him.
    To ad to it all… He sexually abused me and didn’t realize it till recently… for 5 years.

    I mean EVERYTHING you wrote about Narcissistic Traits are SPOT on!

    The poor guy, I want to help him. After all he’s done to me. I still crave sitting with him by a computer and reading all this material to him. Not to confront him. I’m over that phase. I’m into empowering myself now, and seeing how I’M responsible for my life. Thanks Melanie. But I keep thinking, the poor man doesn’t even know! He knows he hurts people, he admired that, however, its like he has no choice, or doesn’t know hes doing it till much later, or like he blacks out and acts out in destructive ways. One time he got really messed up on drugs and told me the reason he’s the way he is. It went something like this:

    “I’m sorry! The truth is I hate myself and so when I destroy people that I love and their lives is because I love you so much! It’s like you’re the thing I adore most in this world. I even love you more than I love myself, and if I destroy you, it destroys me! So destroying the people I love, is actually to hurt me! Hurting you is the quickest way to self destruct.”

    I still believe this is true. I think he needs help. And if I have all this knowledge and experience working on my inner identity and so on… I feel responsible to reach out and offer some help!

    I ran into him and his new boyfriend at an event. His new BF was carrying my EXs things like wallet and cell phone… I rolled my eyes… My narcissist EX had found another person to worship him… I talked to the new BF and he was such a sweet caring person. Reminded me of myself when I met my EX 6 years ago. My stomach felt bad. I wanted to tell that new boy to run for the hills. Now I feel like calling the new BF and telling him what I went through and if he ever feels the same way, that I can help.

    At the same event… after I talked to his new BF…. My EX looked at me after A WHOLE YEAR of no contact… and the first and ONLY thing he said to me… is:

    “How do I look? Is my hair in place?”

    I had heard that for the billionth time and finally, I was able to NOT feel forced or pressured to feed his narcissistic supply by way of compliments. I said:

    “Ex, I don’t really care how you look. I’m not looking at your looks. How you been?”

    He ignored me and looked around the room scanning for the next source of narcissistic supply. I could tell, he was anxious and deathly afraid. Like he was going to die if he didn’t receive the attention he was looking for.

    I feel so bad for him, and all I keep thinking is:

    “There’s gotta be something I can do. I don’t care if I’m still HOOKED on him, and it just looks differently. I no longer want him in my life, I want to be free from him and healed from my ancient wounds. I just wish the same for him. Is there anything I can do?”

  • isha146@yahoo.com'
    nimisha
    March 16, 2016

    hello Melanie ,
    I do not know where to begin, for starters I finally am not so confused about my husband- yes i am still with him (27 yrs) . But right from the beginning, after starting married life with him something
    about his behavior distanced me off. For him every other relationship came before me- his sister, brother, mother, . I am expected to drop whatever I have planned to go fulfill their needs I never felt close to him because he doesnt care for my opinion and never wants to hear what my side of perspective is on any issue. and he never to this day is willing to hear about my feeling about the relationship.every time i felt low on his account, and tried to tell him that his behavior hurts me, he gets even more angry with me, he always starts talking about his misery on my account. he is ok as long as we have sex but the min I refuse to have sex , he gets angry and says there’s nothing in the relationship, never mind that when I try to tell him i feel like there is nothing in the relationship, he gets very angry with me . yet he professes to love me and will buy me gifts (shared account, and he clearly told me i have to put in my share) but doesn’t want to spend time with me , he’d rather spend time with his friends but i should be there for sex. I keep looking at myself and think it my fault. even my children say I am overbearing. i am suicidal so often , but talk to a close friend of mine at such times . all i know is i do not feel right in this relationship and my husband says i am a spoilt bratt and then in a passing conversation i heard of the narcissistic
    personality, but i am afraid i keep going through the confusion you have described. i have so much pain and anger , i have been and still looking hard inside myself for what is it that i am supposed to learn from this.i keep thing i am a selfish person , keep thing of my pain and shouldn,’t be but still the pain grabs my attention ? may be i am a narcissist ?would appreciate any help

  • isha146@yahoo.com'
    nimisha
    March 16, 2016

    my husband says he loves me so much ,i am everything to him , yet when angry (i never fig out what he is angry about) he says everybody knows what i am all about , even my children feel abused by me, he says. and says he will reveal my real self to everybody , all that he has been covering for me until now, but never ever tells me what it is. and it always confused me that how can “love” be like this? he doesn’t like anybody liking me, or admiring anything i may have done , is always telling me how horrible i am and then expects me to acknowledge that it is his love when he wants to have sex- even right after he has hurt me and doesn’t even think that he was responsible in any way. according to him i provoked him .on one hand he will make breakfast for me when he feels like it and proclaims i am so smart and beautiful and on the other end he doesn’t want to hear any of my opinions , always opposes everything i do or say, whether regarding children, finance, day to day chores or anything at all . i always keep thinking something is wrong with me not to recognise his love , yet i feel he never ever gave me any room close to him

  • andibaker@hotmail.co.uk'
    Andrea
    April 3, 2016

    Thank you, thank you, thank you Melanie. This article has laid to rest so many doubts I had and has released the low level pain I’ve been holding in my stomach. I’ve been working hard on Modules 1 and 2 and making some amazing shifts but for the last 3 weeks have been harbouring this resistance around remembering the ‘good times’. This has helped me to see what they truly were and I will take this to Module 2 tonight. Bless you X x

  • mkort@tampabay.rr.com'
    Chris
    April 30, 2016

    Interesting read, and I recognized a lot of traits and characteristics in this article that my ex girlfriend used on me. She tacitly demanded that I had to “get” her, and men who don’t “get” her aren’t worthy of being with her. “Getting” her to me meant that she had free reign to do as she pleased; I had to figure out how to feed her ego and make her feel “good”; she wasn’t open to constructive criticism; she’s always had one foot out the door as an exit strategy if I didn’t fulfill her emotional need and threatened me with it.

    The telltale sign that something wasn’t quite right was her lack of empathy combined with expressions of intellectual, or staged, empathy . But in Reality, it was all about her. She tends to get sick of people rather fast and will use the silent treatment to punish loved ones, including her “friends” of which she has few. She was also a bit borderline delusional by believing that she was a very successful career person, and, this is the big joke, she thought that she was a catalyst, or leader, for getting women to pursue careers that are predominantly ascribed to males. I had to remind her that she wasn’t a brain surgeon or CEO, so relax and come back to reality.

    The moment I wanted to confront her about something she was doing she would blow up and turn it all around on me and going full out trying to make me look like the crazy one. This was always followed by her seizing up and not talking to me for days or weeks. She played a lot of little head games intended to make me guess about the status of our relationship; she created this air of uncertainty just to make me wonder….all the time. I have no clue what she was doing during the silent treatments, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was pursuing attention somewhere else.

    But what really confounded me is how she accused her ex of being insensitive, cold, aloof, uncaring, selfish, etc., when she is the one who actually displayed these traits when I dated her! Weird!. I have a feeling that she’s caused a lot of emotional carnage with men in her life by playing this hot and cold game…….

  • ttrader26@ymail.com'
    Larry S.
    June 1, 2016

    Melanie,

    Thank you VERY MUCH for sharing your tremendous insights and experiences regarding narcissism. As I read EVERY ONE of your articles I keep saying to myself, “Wow, that’s her exactly!”. I am amazed that you went from zero knowledge about narcissism to becoming a self-made expert, I understand the persistence and drive that it took, and takes. Fantastic accomplishment.

    I am living in my car right now because to me it is better than being subject to the amazing level of emotional and verbal abuse that would be unleashed upon me over the smallest and most insignificant things. This article on the “Altruistic Narcissist” is absolutely right on target! It is as if you were in the marriage along with us and then wrote about it from your observations. I am not angry, I am sad for my soon to be ex-wife. I understand she is emotionally damaged, and I hope and pray for her healing. Sadly, I don’t anticipate that occurring because she blames everybody and everything else for her situation in life.

    In the near future I will begin to work on understanding and fixing what it is within me that has allowed me to marry 2 severely narcissistic women. Don’t want to make THAT mistake again! To me relationships don’t HAVE to be complicated, its actually quite simple. JUST BE COURTEOUS, UNDERSTANDING and GIVING. HOW HARD IS THAT??? Well, I now know it is VERY difficult for the narcissist because of how they have constructed their “protection mechanism” for getting through life. I am DEEPLY saddened for my wife because I know she has become this out of pain. But, I choose not to participate in her pain anymore since she chooses to stay in her pain. I have offered her help in seeking healing and she has lashed out at me in an incredibly mean and vicious way, in TOTAL denial, actually blaming me for the way she is. We are in our 50’s and have only been married for 2 1/2 years, so just common sense would tell you that her issues pre-date our meeting. MANY thanks again for your incredibly helpful and professional work, please keep doing it.

    Thankfully and Sincerely,
    Larry S.

  • cmanders78@yahoo.com'
    christina
    June 10, 2016

    After reading this post I have decided that I need to go no contact because of these behaviors,
    He:
    -Preyed on me when I was vulnerable (I had just gotten divorced)
    -Lied to me (about who he was sexual with and when)
    -Claimed to not remember anything I brought up about things he had said to me in the past. (Used being drunk as an excuse for not remembering things)
    -Tried to dictate how I communicate with him (no emails, I have to speak with him directly; but he doesn’t have to follow this rule)
    -Didn’t listen when I would say no, would always manipulate me when in an emotionally vulnerable state to comply with his wishes.
    -Would change his opinion about things I managed to confront him on. (I told him I think he drinks too much, the next time we got together he claimed not to drink very often, as though I had never seen how much he drinks!)
    He has also made some derogatory remarks about women and when I called him on it he changed his tune the next time I saw him!
    -He projects his “feelings” onto me. He’ll say things like “You seem sad, I can see it in your eyes” or “I think you need a hug”
    There are SO many more things that I could list, but the main one that I can’t believe I didn’t pay attention too is this:
    -HE SAYS HE CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING. He takes anti depressants and has seen a therapist in the past, but says nothing works. He just can’t feel happy or sad or anything.
    Wow. Thank you so much, Melanie, for putting all your wisdom out into the world. It’s so helpful!

  • hatsh21@hotmail.com'
    Harriet
    July 15, 2016

    Hi! I am just emerging from a love affair with a woman who has turned out to be (from my exhaustive research….sparked because I simply could not understand the intense, almost irrational, mad levels of pain I was suffering that have not happened with past break-ups in the same way) a grade A, full on narc, who classically “discarded” me three times. Textbook behaviours all through! Well…three times unlucky for her, as I have now managed to see her for what she is, feel deep compassion and sorrow for her ruined, damaged life, and try to move on. All that is going on for me now is the continued research, as I am writing a novel about it, and the occasional sleepless nights when the sheer injustice and grief and love for the person I THOUGHT SHE WAS, hit me. It will pass…..I hope! But lots of images and memories to try to file away healthily. However, I have looked for a place to post questions on here and cannot find anywhere, so perhaps you will not mind me asking here?
    To what extent are narcs actually AWARE of the behaviours and manipulations they employ? Is it completely subconscious, completely planned, or does it vary?
    Is it possible for two narcs to live happily ever after, so to speak, maybe because there is some kind of subtle understanding or something else at play? (Her husband is also a narc, I think, and I am wondering if the dynamic works in some bizarre way)
    What is the current state of play re. possibilities of partial or complete re programming of the narc personality? I have understood that it is the hardest thing to work with and that change is minimal or impossible…..Is there anyone anywhere having more success now with rehabilitation?
    Thank you and hope you can help with these questions….I have not posted more about my story as will hopefully be posting the title of my book when it is published! It looks as though there is some interest and a good chance, so if it can help others, that will be such a blessing! The stories here have moved me to tears and I wish everyone more power and love to their elbows as they tackle this peculiar and painful form of not-love……

  • Cassandrra22@gmail.com'
    Cassandra
    July 27, 2016

    I met my abuser at 18 we both we heavily in to drugs so I was young and easy prey for the 25 year old. I had never heard of a Narcissist until four days ago..

    Wishing it had come three years earlier.
    He had me pregnant within a month he got me pregnant and was very forth coming about getting my pregnant on purpose to me and everyone who would listen he was God to me. I was shocked he was single and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.

    Didn’t last long, he was in and out of jail the entire relationship, the longest time he was in was over ten months! And that happened when our daughter was four months old…

    I look back and remember things he said to me and I get really mad at my self for not taking them seriously things like “I have a history of ruining everything good in my life” and when he had gotten out of jail for the second time I was still pregnant and he spoke to me as if we had only been mere Acquaintances, saying things like “when I knew you before” when he would speak of things that happened before he got arrested.

    All the times I knew he was cheating he had been caught red handed, he would try to make me think I was crazy while I was holding proof in my hands.
    I now know I was preyed apoun and I was an easy target and he only got me pregnant to ensure that him and I would forever have a connection in my mind, giving him a free narcissistic supply for the rest of our lives, my daughter is turning two in less then two weeks. Dispite current problems a lot of planning went into the party, he would not pay for a thing other then an Elmo costume he said he would wear cause my daughter worshipes Elmo, he had to go even further and promise to rent a bouncy castle which never happened.

    Five days ago he came home said he was sleeping over at a friends for the night and then on the way out told me he was done with me, which at this point I welcomed because he was yelling at me whilst I cry lying on the floor telling him how I can’t take it anymore you are emotionally crucifying me..

    That conversation lasted about 15 minutes before his phone rang and his rain of terror ended for me and my daughter. Who was put to bed by her abusive father and that was the last time she saw him, and he has made it very clear he won’t be seeing either of us ever again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so greatful my mother is here for me to take my daughter while I grieve alone in my one bedroom apartment which used to house what I thought was a happy family, he propose to me two years ago. Spent five thousand dollars on the most gorgeous ring I’ve seen in my life, and when I asked to get married he would just change the subject, but then always tell me how beautiful our wedding will be and he will play the piano and sing our song, and our daughter can be he flower girl…. Makes me sick
    Now I’m a 21 year old single mom to the most beautiful little girl, sleeping on the couch cause I can’t bear to even set foot in the bedroom, never mind sleep in the bed I once shared with this monster.

    A few days before he left I came home from sleeping at a friends and I noticed the bed frame on his side of our bed was broken, it squeaked as soon as you put any weight on it. It didn’t do that yesterday.. I knew why, and we hadn’t had sex in over a week. He definitely didn’t do it on his own…

    After he left I went four days with out contact I was proud but still I broke and we had a handful of interaction via phone and text and later that day after I stopped contact he breaks into my home steals all of our sex toys and a bunch of MY clothes, after telling me about being with plenty of girls in a very rude way, because I had a male in my house at the time he broke in ( never have I or would I sleep with this male, nor were we even in close proximity when he entered the house)

    He trashed my house he told the male who was at my house I have herpes and to “have fun with that”

    And the kicker for me was when I poiletly asked him to not contact me unless it was regarding visiting our daughter he promptly answered that he won’t be seeing our daughter anymore, and he wouldn’t be coming to the birthday party ( but he took the Elmo costume, and made sure I knew he was taking it to simply make sure Brooklyn and I didn’t have it ) as well as trying to take the tv and when I tried to stop him he threw me into the tv smashing it.

    I couldn’t help myself I spent a long time putting together the right words for the best impact on his ego possible, and I over-indulged and I know I just make him laugh with esch message I send but I had to do it for me, I needed to get it out to him.

    Within a about a month he had us staying in another city half hour away from where I lived, he showed me with extravagant gifts and then he would disappear all the time leavin me at whatever strangers house we would be at. I couldn’t see it but he groomed me and isolated me from all my friends and and my mother just like a A paedophile would do to a child. I feel so gross, I don’t know how long it will be before I can confidently say I feel like I can take my daughter back for my mother, and she’s asking where daddy is every day,

    At this point I feel like I have been rapped repeatedly everyday for the past three years. I can’t stop crying for my daughter and the pain she is and will go through for the rest of her life living with out a father, I went through it to. No dad is better then him though and I’m just thankful she’s still young and so am I.

    I told him serval times in the weeks before he left that I was scared I would wake up on morning 30 years old realizing I spent the best years of my life with someone who doesn’t love me, I had no idea how rite I was, I think he knew I was on to him, I just didn’t have the right words. I wondered if he left out of mercy for me and my emotions I doubt it but my mental health has gone down hill in a bad way in the past 6 months, I now know he simply got tired of holding the act together, he had been so sloppy about his lies and methods of making me believe I was completely delusional and crazy and my poor daughter knew something was up. She was always cranky and extra needy and even once gabbed both our hands and brought them together in attempt to make us hold hands.

    This man is very deceitful and want everybody to like him he’s very obsessed with his body image and what everybody thinks of him he has a really bad temper can’t handle any sort of criticism, absolutely must have complete control over me an every little thing I do or he throws a scarey fit.
    He told me that I said I love you too much, he calls me fat and tells me my vagina is loose after having our daughter so sex with me is very unsatisfactory and he didn’t stop there, nope insultes me at every single chance he got and then some. And even more often when with company or his favourite, embarrassing me in front of his friends, girls and in public.

    I don’t really know where to go from here, since the discard he has started using. Drugs again and moved in to a drug house with all o his belongings even the Elmo, so now his narcissum is jet fuelled by a gross amount of Crystal Meth. And the only closure I got was him confirming I could stick to no contact, because he no intentions on keeping in contact with his only child.

    Three years, my self esteem, my confidence and all the crap he stole from me is all he will ever get from me again. He will land in jail again soon now that he’s back on drugs. And I definitely won’t be answering my phone when it sayings the jail is calling.

    He gave me a beautiful daughter and I’m so greatful for her, and even happier that I came to my senses and saw him for what he really is before it could damage my toddler anymore. The loss of him still hurts like a knife to the back and I cry the hardest when I think about how this has affected my child, but I haven’t even fully been able to think to much about the truth-that be never loved me or our little girl. Not that he didn’t make it clear. And that all the hurtful things he did to me during that hellush period were methodically planned out long before he can get them. No pain compares to what I’m feeling, I go from being dead inside, To full of rage then to sobing uncontrollably on a dime. I work part time and he’s the one who always made the majority of the money so I’m totally at a loss.

    What do I do? Help me

  • martinb1009@gmail.com'
    Martin
    September 12, 2016

    I believe my mother was an ‘altruistic’ narcissist. https://mawrgorshin.com/2016/06/13/emotional-abuse/

  • Landcare58@gmail.com'
    Andy
    October 10, 2016

    Well written article and makes it clear, Narcissists are in complete void, when it comed to empathy. And it is best to remove one’s self from their presence.

    I feel that my shortcomings are part of the inability of my spouse and I to function as a team. But her counter points are often far removed from the issues being contested, and she becomes very callased and vicious in her attacks. But she is the mother of my children, and my family focus is the only purpose I have for living.

    There is no physical abuse, though she has accused this of me. And I am short tempered, meaning I do become unknowingly loud and intense. So I try to remove myself, in my efforts to minimize the emotional vocalizations. But the ability to reason is non-existent. The only one at fault is me. And to mellow, it is myself that makes the necessary changes.

    Her father seems to fit the description of ND. There is no compromise with him. He flaunts his finances. And he must win at all costs. If ever in an argument with him, expect all filters removed, because he will give it all to you. And when one thinks it might be over, they learn that he has also contacted anyone remotely connected.

    I feel this may have done more to my wife, his strong influences, in her responses. I need to know what I can do, to help me be more tolerant and how to adapt. Winning will never be an option here.

  • abqjwilliams@msn.com'
    Judy
    October 30, 2016

    I am a newbie to discovering a “label”? for my older sister’s behavior. Maybe “diagnosis” is a better word than label. I have used the word “narcissist” while describing her at times but was not aware at the complexity and depth of this horrible mental illness.

    This sister is an American ex-pat living in Mexico where the need of the Mexican’s is great. It tears at anyone’s heartstrings to be surrounded by so much poverty and such loving people (the Mexicans). She began sending several of the young Mexicans to school and has showered a good deal of money on them. Most of them are doing well and naturally adore her. I’ve known for some time that her giving (I have a hard time saying altruistic because the very definition of the word is to give with no expectation of recognition) was to feed her ego. On the other hand – lucky kids! 🙂 She makes sure that everyone including store clerks know about her giving. She has no trouble whatsoever working it into her monologue.

    I do have a question that in my research thus far I haven’t found an answer to….this narcissistic sister CONSTANTLY talks. She talks from the moment she gets out of bed; she talks over TV shows; she will walk into a store, church, event place, anywhere and immediately look for what I call victims. She will hover near them to find an opportunity (very quickly) to interject something like “oh, that happened to me…” and then overpower the conversation and at times, will walk out with the person who falsely believes she is just being friendly. If one tries to get away she does not read their body movements to indicate its time to end the conversation, she traps them until a family member pulls them away. Where does all this talking stem from? Is it just that she doesn’t want anyone to inject a differing opinion?

    Thank you for what you are doing. It is immensely helpful.

    With gratitude,

  • karentmarshall22@gmail.com'
    Petseybear
    January 8, 2017

    Hi.

    I have just started on the road to recovery. I was brought up by a Narcissist mother (and absent father) and then recently fell victim to another (as a partner). Your article describes the situation perfectly. He even manipulated the situation to get me to ask him to marry me. He played on my insecurity and fear of being abandoned. My mother and father did not love me and therefore I do not know how to recognise true love.

    My ex partner wanted his ex-girlfriend in his life and wanted her to socialise with us. My gut told me this was unacceptable but he plagued me with comments of ‘immaturity’ on my part and even called me childish. I got the feeling she was hanging around expecting us to fail (which we did). He even wanted her name to be at the top of our wedding guest list!

    He very nearly destroyed me. I had the foresight to research pre-nups when we got engaged as I did not want him to own half of everything I have worked so hard for. He had nothing when I met him and lived off benefits and social housing. I made it very clear that the assets I had were for my son. I was willing to build up joint assets that form part a successful relationship.

    I began to see through him. I no longer ‘blew smoke up his bottom’ (he is a musician) and tried to keep him grounded. He thought (privately) that he was so much better than everyone else. I could not deal with his hypocrisy and called him out on it a few times.

    I could go on….

    Although I am glad that I stood up to him and the result was favourable in the end, I am struggling to forgive myself for getting in that situation in the first place. It only lasted for 18 months but the pain was unbearable when he ended it with me (only to tell friends later that ‘we were having a break’). I believe that my dreadful childhood set me up for this massive fall. I went through the three stages of narcissism in quick succession and it left me without my savings and devastated.

    I wish the education system touched on narcissism awareness.

    As part of my healing, I have accepted what has happened to me so far in my life. I am looking for ways to make sure I don’t fall victim again and that I can live the rest of my life without fear of abandonment if I learn to love again. However, I am really struggling to forgive myself for succumbing to the ‘devil’. This is where I need help.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    February 24, 2017

    After being in a relationship with a narcissist I know how to easily spot one. They are so fake.
    Thank you Melanie for everything.

  • adrianamueller43@mail.com'
    Adriana Mueller
    March 19, 2017

    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. After 1 year of torture, because that is what it was. I came across this article last night. Now, there were the answers I had been searching for all this time. Everything now was clear. It cleared up all the confusion and turmoil in my mind. It explained WHY i WAS BEING CALLED WORTHLESS, useless and an individual without any value.Thank you for helping me see clearly the techniques that were applied to bring about my intended destruction.Now, I do not know how to repair the deep damage inflicted upon me. If you could provide me with information on how to rebuild my battered soul and self I would be so thankful. NOT KNOWING THE WHY WAS REALLY TAKING ITS TOLL ON ME. AGAIN, thank you so much for posting the answers I needed to hear to rgain my sanity. Forever thankful,ADRIANA

  • Eegeez@hotmail.com'
    Christine
    March 28, 2017

    I’m in a custody battle with a narc. I keep losing more and more time with my son each time his lawyer takes me to court. All the judge sees is a man with a good job and education who wants to see his son. I’ve shared recordings of him yelling at me and saying nasty things about our son since he was an infant. He paints me out to be crazy and an unfit mother when in fact I’ve been the primary caregiver and our son is thriving! I have 4 college degrees and have taught elementary school for 15 years. I’m on my 2nd attorney and need advice on how to rescue my son from a future with this man.

  • Bethany_rose8@gmail.com'
    Bethany Scheffer
    April 15, 2017

    Thanks for emailing me a link to this article.

    My ex was like this.
    I’m 22 now and I was 15 when I met him and he was 21.
    I Grew up with my mother, my parents split before I was born. My mother was shy, and she also abused weed but she did have a good heart, unfortunately she was always moody and drank often.
    When her parents died, she started drinking heavier and I started cutting at just 12 years old.
    I started drinking and partying and at 15 I moved in with said 21 year old after knowing/sleeping with him for a week.
    Within two weeks he showed signs of over controlling behaviour (phone call with accusations of cheating that didn’t make sense), but I didn’t understand at 15 and I didn’t want to go home, that was the first time he made me cry. It all happened so quick and before I knew it I was being abused, I barely remember much of the beginning, I do remember he raped me, using verbal violence. At 6 months I got pregnant, he told me he could not have kids due to his asthma medication, he lied to me. I was already so far in, so young and so fragile, I didn’t want the baby at first, but he said he had always wanted one so I agreed to keep it, and eventually got excited about it, 7 weeks in I lost the baby (looking back, due to obvious stress) and I was distraught, at this point he gave me a lot of love that I had never gotten from him before, of which I used to think was real, now I know it wasn’t. Within 2 weeks I was pregnant again (I was depressed in This relationship and didn’t care anymore so didn’t start using contraception)I kept her and she is now so beautiful and 5 years of age and in school. Back to the story, the abuse kept going and after she was born I developed an eating disorder – what started as a healthy attempt to lose the baby weight crumbled as he ridiculed my every healthy decision, threatened to throw out my food and told people I had an eating disorder and humiliated me about my decreasing weight. When I reached my lowest weight of 46kg (1kg lower is underweight for me), I actually had developed one like he said, I had been eating as little as possible and forcing myself to exercise every day out of fear of not being able to ironically. Because of him and his control. Research online and logging calories encouraged me to increase my calorie intake but even years after leaving him I still had disordered eating patterns, binging and restricting style behaviours and fear of foods. I am healed now – I proudly healed myself as I am a personal trainer and bodybuilder that now eats intuitively. I finally left him when he threw out my food because I was “eating too slow” this finally made me realise how ridiculous and stupid his behaviour was, my OCD meal plan with carefully weighed out food helped me wanna kick him to the curb too if I’m honest. When my daughter was about 7-8 months old I finally left this man and we were happy for a while, it was rocky when my eating disorder had gotten better and then it got worse when I first competed in a bikini competition.. after the competition we got back together at my intervention order hearing – ironically again. I think I felt a little lost and he made me think he would make it all better. At first I took control over him and tried to treat him how he treated me to avoid being treated the same, he finally got me back where he wanted me and we were back to square one except the physical abuse stopped, but the emotional was still as mentally shattering, when I look back it’s what has hurt me the most. I eventually left him again, regarding to food again, he yelled at me for buying a roast chicken. He abducted Blake from me, I was running away with the pram and he followed us in his car, got out and stood over me, intimidating me and scaring me until I let him grab the child. I thought he was going to do something terrible to me. I got her back 3 months later. We did shared care arrangements for a long time, I repressed the abuse memories so he still maintained lots of control over me. When I found a new partner and loved away, I still took the child to visit him, until my partner realised my distress and told me it would be better if We stopped contact with him altogether. I was 20 at that time, as I said I am now 21, I still had my eating disorder at 20, I beat it during my preparation for my bikini competition in 2016. Blake is the happiest she’s ever been, so smart, so healthy and so loving. I remembered all these things over the last two years, all these painful memories that I had put in a box never to be realised. They hurt, a lot, but life hurts so much more in a cycle of symptoms, I refuse to live like I am still in that relationship. I am safe now, I am loved, I am beautiful, I am me.

    Thank you so much x

    • Bethany_rose8@gmail.com'
      Bethany Scheffer
      April 15, 2017

      Now 22*

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