After spending time learning about narcissism and identifying narcissistic traits in people (especially in your ex or current partner) you might all of a sudden stop and go …
Wait a minute, am I the narcissist?!
This can be a shocking and horrifying, especially if you start to believe what your mind is telling you, listening to the stories of when you have lacked integrity, been controlling, or even been manipulative.
I can’t tell you how many times people have asked this question. Is it me? Am I the one who is really the narcissist?
I want to state that your ability to self-assess yourself and ask yourself honestly “Am I a narcissist?” means that you are almost certainly not.
A narcissist must convince themselves and others that they are omnipotent, not characterised by the same flaws that “normal” human beings seem to be burdened with. To a narcissist it is everyone else’s fault and it certainly could not be him or her who has a problem.
But there are two key ingredients that a person with narcissistic personality disorder cannot have. And when you recognise that you have these ingredients, you will know 100% that you are not a narcissist.
What Constitutes Being a Narcissist?
It’s important to realize that no matter how confused and anguished you are presently feeling, and no matter how much the narcissist has made out that you are the one with all the problems, the following two questions will allow you to realise if you have narcissism:
The first question is – Do you have a conscience?
What this question means is, are you capable of purposefully lying, deceiving and doing things that you know are malicious, lack integrity and harm other people? Do you have the ability to secure your own agenda regardless of the methods you use to accomplish this and how they might negatively affect others? Are you capable of telling people whatever you think they want to hear, just so you can get what you want out of them?
Please know that whilst suffering the enormous amounts of abuse that is regularly experienced in a relationship with a narcissist, it is common to lose your integrity. In this state you go into “survival mode” and you are willing to do almost anything to get through the day without suffering more abuse.
If this happened to you, try and remember the times when you lost your hold on your integrity. Were you disgusted with yourself? Did you feel ashamed?
This will help you identify if you have a conscience.
What is actually more likely is that you have been, or are still, battling the narcissist constantly with declarations of your integrity, and being incensed and devastated when the narcissist has tried to line up examples of “how bad your integrity is” when trying to offset his or her own conscienceless behaviour.
The second question is – Do you have empathy? This means real and genuine empathy, not simply feigning concern and attention towards others in order to win “supply,” such as approval, acclaim, recognition or favors – which of course is the narcissist’s domain.
Do you truly feel other’s pain? Do you seek to help others not from a position of wanting to feed your ego, but because you truly would love to make a difference? This could include a wide range of activities like charity, volunteering or simply helping friends or people in the community in need, or sitting with your child and truly emphatically listening with your focus being on your son or daughter without making it about yourself. Do you go to people’s aid or feel their pain without thinking “What payoff or recognition can I get from this?”
Genuine empathy is having concern for others without having an agenda for yourself.
If either of these two human qualities are missing – having a conscience and being able to be genuinely empathetic – then the individual is likely to have significant narcissistic tendencies. If both of these resources are null and void, then an individual is likely to be severely narcissistic.
It truly is very important once realizing you are not a narcissist to understand how you lost faith and belief in “who you are,” and how the narcissist projected the blame of “being a bad person” onto you.
Even Though You Have Lost Yourself, You Can Remember Who You Are
Yes, you may be tormented now, but remember your essential nature. You will know at a deep inner level if you possess a conscience, and are genuinely empathetic. It can be really hard to “be” these qualities now, when you feel so poisoned with anger, injustice, and feelings of betrayal and pain.
Everyone, without exception, has the potential to act narcissistically. There are healthy and unhealthy levels of narcissism.
Unhealthy narcissism seeks to grab hold of approval, validation, love and self-worth that are lacking internally.
If you know about co-dependency you will know that this is exactly what co-dependents do as well.
Abused co-dependents and narcissists can look identical on the surface. The narcissist is always “empty” and tormented on the inside, so he or she cannot hold up the veneer for long. The cracks appear and the narcissistic behaviour breaks loose.
The co-dependent struggles with a sense of self, but does have the resources to provide themselves with self-love, approval and validation within themselves. This is what a narcissist can never have!
Co-dependents in everyday life do not act in the malicious ways that a narcissist does. However, when a co-dependent is severely affected (often by narcissistic abuse), the fearful and “empty” wounds are ripped open, and he or she will become manic, panicked and try to control his or her environment in order to get some relief from the pain that is ripping him or her apart. The co-dependent in this state can appear disjointed, angry, irrational, unreasonable and incredibly controlling.
When the co-dependent has reached this level of self-disintegration (disconnection from self), it is very easy for the narcissist to scapegoat him or her.
When you are suffering from no sense of self, and poor boundary function, it is very easy to fall for and stay attached to people who are highly abusive. These people affect your mind, your emotions, bring out your greatest fears and can cause you to almost lose who you are.
When you are in narcissistic relationships, it is an understatement to say that you are incredibly traumatized and confused.
This does not, however, mean that you are narcissistic.
No matter how crazy you may feel right now, no matter how toxic, angry, deranged and distraught you are, keep coming back to the questions regarding having a conscience and being able to be genuinely empathetic, because within those questions lies the answer.
The Narcissist’s Projections
It is vital to understand the following: The narcissist does not love and accept him or herself.
Any healthy human being on the way to establishing a healthy sense of self does the work to fully unconditionally love and accept themselves completely. This means the “good” and the “bad” about oneself. This means the recognition that you’re human, you have only ever been doing the best you could with the inner resources you had, and the level of emotional intelligence you possessed at the time.
Fully unconditionally loving and accepting self means being able to take full responsibility without defections and excuses to recognise, embrace and forgive the painful parts of ourself in order to heal them and transform them.
The narcissist has completely rejected self-love and self-acceptance, and certainly does not apply them.
He or she has numerous disowned painful parts that the narcissist wishes to avoid at any cost. This is why he or she has created a false self, the grandiose version of “self” that is not real and is positioned to defend mercilessly the painful inner parts that the narcissist has no intention of looking at, embracing or transforming.
This is why the narcissist has severe issues with being accountable, admitting he or she has behaved poorly, being genuinely remorseful or taking responsibility for unacceptable and pathological behavior.
This is why the narcissist projects onto you that you are the bad person, you are the cause of the problems, and makes you out to be the scapegoat.
This is why the narcissist will, if you bring the term “narcissist” to his or her attention, declare that you are the one with narcissism.
The narcissist’s deep wounded inner parts have been rejected by him or her and are unattended to. They have not been healed. They are unnatural, they are not “love;” they are “fear” and “pain” and they are not aligned with “true self”. These unhealed parts are intensely painful, and they erupt for the narcissist constantly.
The narcissist has two options to stop this intense emotional agony. He or she seeks a “feed” of narcissistic supply from outside him or herself to try to prop up his or her false self again – to try to override the internal agony – or he or she will have to line up someone else to dump the emotional torment on to.
If you are being narcissistically abused, you will receive the pain of both of these forms of abuse. The betrayal of the conscienceless behaviour the narcissist does outside of the relationship in order to receive his or her ego feed, and the blame shifting and condemnation of the narcissist’s disowned parts onto you.
Taking Responsibility
Traditionally, whenever I have written articles about “what” the narcissist does, or how he or she thinks and behaves, this creates posts from my audience going into detail about what their narcissist did and what they endured as a result of this behavior.
I want to discourage this – adamantly. We all know what narcissists do, and I promise you from this side of the fence the stories are almost always virtually identical. Narcissists do the same stuff, in the same ways, because they are empty selves who have numerous disowned parts that they refuse to take responsibility for, which can only manifest as behaving in conscienceless ways.
All narcissists are the model of “I have been hurt, it’s now all about number one, and I’ll pit myself against the world in order to get my needs met.” Everyone else comes off second best.
So please, I don’t want to hear your stories about how bad narcissists are. The reason is because it does not serve you. None of us have gotten well or healed our own unhealed parts by staying focused on what the narcissist did.
The reason I wrote this article is to help break you out of the illusion that you are the narcissist. Because eliminating this illusion can lead you forward to your own self healing.
Your healing now is about taking responsibility, and fully claiming and embracing that it was your own unhealed parts that led you into a relationship with a narcissist.
You are not a narcissist, because you do possess a conscience and empathy; however, you do need to realize that it was your disowned parts, the parts that you didn’t like about yourself, your own lack of self-love and self-acceptance, that caused you to lack boundary function and look to the outside for love, validation and self-worth, rather than providing yourself with these commodities from within.
This is what co-dependency is all about – seeking to get from the outside what we are failing to grant ourselves. This is what painful relationships are all about – they show us the unhealed parts of ourselves that we have not as yet taken full responsibility for. They show us that we have not as yet learnt or applied ourselves to totally unconditionally loving and accepting our own wounds in order to transform them.
I would love it if you stated your claim that you are not the narcissist in the comments below, and use this knowledge to start putting your attention on the task at hand which is embracing yourself unconditionally (good and bad parts), taking full responsibility for yourself, and transforming your unhealed parts that led to painful experiences.
Remember you, unlike the narcissist, have the power within to fully come home to you. You can do it!
Thank you for affirming the truth that the Narcissist is only revealing our hurts to us. In my attempts to be well I have had to face my self loathing in order to have space to create what I want in my life.
It is taking a lot of inner strength to be compassionate with myself and keep myself moving toward a healthier, happier life.
Your information came at a time when I needed the support to maintain ‘No contact’. Thank you Spirit. It is hard but my mind is made up even if my heart is dragging the chain a bit.
Thanks for sharing this information.
Have a very happy Christmas.
Lee
Hi Lee,
Thank you for your post and you are very welcome.
It is wonderful that you have embraced and claimed your wounds and have the self-humility to do so. This truly is the path to self-love, love of life and personal freedom.
When you say ‘a lot of energy’ I intuitively feel that either you are still struggling with self rejection (which of course can be very normal if we believe that our faults make us ‘unloveable’ to self or to others), or you have been trying to work through healing at a mind level rather than going deeper to the inner identity level…
Truly when we can love and accept ourselves unconditionally we realise how lovable and acceptable we are ‘just as we are’, simply because we are real and we no longer co-dependently expect others to fix our issues for us, we have taken responsibility and we are engaged in healing ourself.
Working at a deeper inner level grants us this solid strength of self and progress.
Maybe some of what I just wrote may resonate with you…
Mel xo
Thankyou so much for this.. Its what i needed to read today.My life is shattered just now but i am determined to find out all the information i can to understand why i need to move on from this and the unhealthy thinking i have that maybe just maybe it was me all along.
Thankyou again..
I’ve just left an abusive relationship with a man that ticks the boxes to having NPD. I moved in
W
Sorry pressed the wrong thing on my phone. I’ve recently left an abusive relationship, with a man I now believe to have NPD, he ticks the boxes. Me and my son are living with my Mum. History has repeated itself. Nearly 10 years ago I left my sons father, who was an alcoholic and abusive, I came back home to the UK from Australia and stayed with my Mum. She would manipulate, control and constantly blame and criticise. She would use projection. I ended up going back to Australia to get away from the emotional abuse I was suffering from her. I didn’t go back to my sons father but began life as a single mum. I had to come back to the uk as he still controlled and manipulated me. I again had to stay with my Mum, the same happened! I found somewhere to live, but continued to find my relationship with my Mum difficult. Now I’m back at my Mums again as my ex partner refused to leave our rented home. For the third time I’m now experiencing emotional abuse in the form of blame, control and manipulation from my Mum, I believe she too has NPD. I believe that I suffer with codependency. Sorry my head is all over the place as last night I was used as the scapegoat by my Mum and my 10 year old son. Today I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Zoe Are you sure you arent the narcissist? It sounds to me (N) like you are in denial and it is your ex, your Mum and your son that are the victims here. Just sayin……. Maybe take a step back from all of them for a few days and reflect, try and listen to what they are saying to you, I have a feeling that you cant hear them right now(from experience). It is hard to hear people when you first try but once you figure it out it gets easier with practice, soon you will be able to hear the people you love when they tell you what you are doing and, if you want, at that point you can start figuring out how to fix it.
Theo
Zoe, I heard nothing in your post which tells me that you are not listening, especially given that you are being scapegoated. If your mom is abusive, it makes total sense that you might have ended with an abusive, addicted husband. Please do not doubt yourself. Trust your inner truth resonator.
Keep reading what’s here and taking in the comments. If you have not signed up to the site, I recommend it, since the series of articles Melanie sends in response are outstanding. Again, please do not second-guess yourself. Please keep listening to your inner truth resonator. But do get yourself some support and help for healing. I’m pulling for you.
Wow. I saw this post and have my answers now. My thoughts, my fears about myself seem to be textbook. I can’t tell you the relief I feel right now. Still processing. Thank you.
I feel the same way, this pkst is very helpful
Hi,
I have one question which I didn’t find.
If I start to heal my inner child and do reprogramming mind until sleep and narcissist sleep near me and while he sleeps he is is partly listening that?What can happen?Did anybody try this?
Jelena
Hi I’m sitting in a petrol station drinking coffee. I had to get out of the car I was in with my narcissist husband . I’m afraid I got into a terrible row over his behaviour . I read your article in a desperate attempt for help. I have been following you for a while and I see clearly everything now after 35
Years of abuse and trying to
Understand him.
Recently I have wondered if I am the narcissist. Your article came at the right moment. I couldn’t believe how upset and anxious I was, and when I looked at my phone there was your message .
At times I feel so lone and depressed .
Thank you so much.
Deborah, you are NEVER ALONE!! There are enough narcissist out here for all of us to have one!!! And many of us do. Keep your head up, educate yourself, know what you’re up against, then move on if you can. No one is judging you, do what you can but protect yourself. You matter, dont let anyone tell you different. Do your best and thats it.
Thank you so much for this. I’m trying my best to from a dysfunctional family and then19 years of abusive marriage. My ex eventually left me.
I want to heal so I can become a better mother for my children. Being a single mom is so incredibly hard especially when you question yourself all the time afraid that you will hurt and damage those you love so much.
I was scared that maybe I’m a narcissist causing more damage to my beautiful children and I don’t want that.
I just want them to be happy and emotionally healthy. And I can only do that by healing myself. I’m know that need to be a example for my kids
You rock!!!
From disintegration to integration. Loving myself unconditionally good and bad. It feels good. I am so grateful to have found you! The relief I feel making the right decisions for myself is wonderful.
Thank you, thank you, thank for giving a voice to this subject. I get tears because I know there is hope.
God Bless,
Allison
I was in a 4.5 year relationship with what I a now sure was with a narcissist. Through the years the verbal abuse was terrible and the worst part is I participated back with foul words. There were violent fights. I became pregnant but lost the baby early on. I broke up with him last year due to endless broken promises and the plain fact that he wasn’t treating me with respect.
I was NC for 2 months when he contacted me and he loved me and all that sweet stuff. I went back and we started again. His behavior was wierd especially his phone, he always kept it face down so you couldnt see the screen and it never rang when I know he has many friends. I never felt right in my gut and my worst nigtmare came true on a tuesday morning when my phone rang and it was the OW winds up he had been with her for the past few months had started when we were NC and he got back with me knowing he was with her. Well the story gets bad with him claiming she was a nutjob and when the crazy in her started he reached back out to me because as he says the grass wasnt greener. It devastated me. On top of the silent treatments and threatening in the past the lost pregnancy without his support past the first week I was broken. He told me he still wanted to be with me, but he kept going to her and then would deny it but she showed me the texts and calls. He was trying to play us both again all the while telling me it was done with the OW. I split with him she had him arrested for smashing her phone and she said he had got violent with her as well. He denied it . We then went NC for annother 2 months he went to jail a few days from the OW. I got an order of protection. He had his friends wife send me an email basically begging me to talk with him and that he was so changed and had an epiphany those 2 days in jail and subsequent 2 month we hadnt spoken . I fell for it he promised upon my return that he would go to anger management, his idea. He went to a few classes and stopped because he said the teachings were unrealistic. He also promised a paternity test that would prove he wasnt the father of his best friends kid. Since he had slept with his bf wife when they were getting divorced. We had a fight years back when the wife had the baby and he walked out on me and said that none of the relationship matteree because he had a kid with someone else. I never put it together until this cheating thing blew up with this OW and he had a confessional and let his friend know about sleeping with his wife years back. When I mentioned his aweful comment about having a kid and this new found confession, he said he never said that to me. He did though I remember exactly where he was standing when he said it. He never got the paternity test which I expressed was necessary for me to remain with him. He has said that he has been violent with me because I do not get it and I frustrate him. I can go on and on and on. He always says I am overly sensitive. He hated my friends so I stopped hanging out because it wasnt worth his drama, then he tells me I need friends and I do nothing. What the hell. Last new years 2011he stormed out at 5 pm on Nye and wouldnt speak to me but says he went hone and stayed in bed. Hemoved in with me this year after the affair and 3 days ago decided it was over and he was unhappy and he found a new place. We had gotten a boxer 3 years ago and he needs me to watch the dog until his place is ready in a few weeks. I had him take the dog tonight because my nephew is staying over and the dog is all over the place he took him but he wants me to take the dog back tomorrow I do not want to . This guy has destroyed my home and wont fix it although he is a contractor and makes comments about what an easy fix these things are.I had to shake him down for money for the bills everytime. He would pay sometimes then not all the while knowing I am struggling. I saw him today when he took the dog and it is killing me he told me about the breakup 2 days ago and hasnt been staying here. I am devastated . I do not want to leave my house and I cant control the tears. I am so upset and know it will only get worse I am not taking the dog back he doesnt know this yet. He kept saying help me out with this and then you never have to see us again. I do not want to help him he can figure it out. He had disrespected me throughout and said such horrible things to me I am destroyed
Poor dog. Bring the dog to me. You both sound completely absorbed with that toxic relationship. Dont drag another living creature into it.
A,
Please do the test questions for
“Am I a Narcissist”…
Why Sharon? because “A” showed empathy for a living creature who is not human, who is being shoved pillar to post like the rest of the family? and then you belittle “A” with a terrible insult meant to hurt.
Hello Melanie thank you for this. I have blamed myself for many years and believe this goes back to my childhood. I used to beat myself up against everything. For years my brother belittled me put me down and in many ways tried to control me. I now believe he has NPD. I was always attracted to narcicistic friends. My last relationship was not a love affair but rather a close friend who I now know has NPD. I shared house with her on and off for many years. I have now moved into my own place and gone no contact for over 2 months now. I do feel a lot light and happier now. Thank you very much. Anna
I agree. Poor dog.
This is such a wonderful site! It has also brought tears. I have wondered if I am the Narc. I will admit to having a very low self esteem and most definitely being co-dependent. I used to wonder how or why he could not have empathy towards people or animals and reading your article lets me know that I am normal in feeling heartache for animals and other people. It helps me realize that I am not the narc but I most definitely got swept away by one about 6 years ago. I adored him. Every single thing about him. I got counseling and told the counselor that he refused to come. That he came right out and told me that if he did he would have to deal with things in his life that he didn’t want to. She said to me that his statement was probably the one truth he had told me. It has been over a year of trying to heal and my family has told me I just have to move on. I am trying so hard and I wish it were easier to just forget everything of the past 6 years. There were so many beautiful memories also and the counselor said I need to stop “glamorizing” him. I guess I do but my mind so easily wants to remember the beautiful things and not the bad and I get so sad and heartbroken again. I am trying to move on..trying to just push it all away and it is so hard. I truly felt he was the love of my life and that I would grow old with him. Now, I avoid anywhere I might run into him because I fear I will just break down crying if I see him. We have no children together. I fear any time I walk into a restaurant that he will be there and I am at times paralyzed with fear. I used to torture myself looking at his Facebook site and seeing his happy life without me. He used to tell me that I got all of him that he is able to give and I guess he was telling me the truth. I guess I just thought that if I loved him enough, it would all be okay. Lately, reading all I have about Narcs, I have worried “what if it is me” and your blog here helps me so much. The hard part is trying to build back my self confidence and not blaming myself for everything. I have a long way to go. I can see that. But, it helps me so much to read that others have suffered this too and have gone on to find the joy and love they so desire. Thank you 🙂
I left a 2.5 year relationship. He at times was very harsh with his words. Harsh truths, he calls them. I never spoke my mind nor told him what I want or opposed him just so I would not lose him. I have no self-love but I lied at times about my finances and left him without discussing my plans and simply moved out without any explanation. He says he has given me all that he could give me and yet I walked away. Now I long for him and he wouldn’t budge. I believe I am the meek and quiet type of narcissist. Seeking approval because I have no self-love and my fears take over me.
Thank you for your article I’m not the narcissist but as my partner should say that I’m the narcissist when I brought it to her attention… i mean I cheated an it was wrong of me I didn’t know how to deal with her not showing me love affection always down talking me telling did I take my medication I over react I over think… it goes on me like texting her was a disappointment waiting for her to check up me was a waist .. the time I cheated I was looking for everything she don’t do an it was wrong because now it makes it easy for her to make me feel guilty I’m still dealing with her I found Saturday about the narcissist stuff an today I feel hurt angry etc
I would say that they manipulate you towards doing these things. They keep you in a cycle of devaluation and contempt, withhold love and affection to the point where you do look outside the relationship for those things. I am a great believer that the soul knows what the soul needs and in that situation you either completely implode or whatever smidgeon of self worth you have left compels you to seek out that which feeds your soul. Sometimes that is another person/ love interest. I am not condoning infidelity, but these are not normal circumstances. I was always accused of infidelity, constantly but that was his way of controlling me so that I would no longer be associated with certain men who he saw as a threat. Everyone is a threat to them because it takes the attention from them! I also realise latterly that it was projection, they really do tell you what they are doing. Listen to what they accuse you of, turn it round and you can guarantee that’s what they are doing.
When I look back I clearly see the pattern. That extended to isolation from family later on as he didn’t want me cross referencing what he was telling them and finding out what he was really up to.
It is staggering what I have found out during my divorce investigations and I can tell you infidelity on your part won’t be a patch on anything they have been doing. I believe your partner had already started the discard and has managed you into another relationship so they can use it to further control and guilt you out to the point where they can get you to do whatever they want. Drop the guilt.!!! They expect you do this as they have low self worth so in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy they create the conditions to make you do it. It’s crazy making! This gives them the opportunity in their heads for it to be all your fault and no blame lies with them. Then they can get rid of you guilt free! They take no responsibility for the conditions they created in the first place. Knowing what I know now about what he has been doing all these years, the pre meditated financial abuse, the setting up of a divorce behind my back for 5 years, the moving and hiding of cash and assets over those years, his girlfriend, his threats to destroy every aspect of my life after 32 years of wiping his backside, giving him 2 phenomenal children and putting myself and my career aside to concentrate on his, I wish Id had a thousand affairs because that hits them at their core like nothing else! That eats away at their fragile ego. Hits them where it hurts. It also represents the first stage of you starting to fight back. It has taken me 32 years to work out the psychology of the monster I married.I have been subjected to private investigators following me, phone spyware, he broke into my confidential work filing cabinets, he set the WiFi up so he could spy on every email I sent or received, especially with my solicitor, he stole my personal items to punish me all outrageous behaviours but on reflection showed me what he was doing himself and he was projecting! The answers came thick and fast as I started to investigate him!!!
Now during the divorce I stand in my truth and strong in my conviction that every behaviour he has exhibited is truly narcicisstic, he ticks every box. I no longer feel fear in fact I am ready prepared and totally willing to wipe the floor with him. They are nothing but a joke, seriously… you will look back at some point and realise how pathetic they truly are.
Julia,
Thank you 100 times for this post!! This was very well written and resonates with me so much! You are very wise and I am glad that your situation is getting resolved, but sorry that you went through it.
Jenn
Hi
I think I may be s narcissist, due to needing external validation, feeling superior to others, hate feeling vulnerable , fear of intimacy, ambivalent about getting close to a man emotionally. Perfectionist tendencies, feel I have to be perfect to be loved. People please, weak boundaries…
I googled “am I a narcissist” after a painful moment where my behaviour brought an end to a relationship.
I was called a narcissist and I do see myself in the description of the condition in part , not entirely but certainly enough for the person to be reasonably accurate.
It’s very scary to think about this , I’ve taken online test and my score is high, I’ve recently started to see a therapist only two sessions so far and I will bring this up on my third
It’s difficult to find any information that deals with having this ( if I have) it’s mostly about how to deal with someone who has it , that said this article has been very helpful
I genuinely feel I need to change it’s very difficult to know how to
I can relate. My Narc-ex feels I cheated on him. I asked for a break, and he wouldn’t leave me alone. I repeatedly told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. He had kicked me out of my apartment, so I stayed in contact so he wouldn’t do anymore damage than he’d already done. He feels I cheated because I was still in communication with him, so I’ll own that and say I cheated. I just wanted to feel liked for a little bit. I got tired of the physical violence and name calling. I don’t feel guilty though. I’m sorry his feelings are hurt, but he never respects my wishes or my feelings, or me overall.
This is what I needed so badly. Everyone who is trying to sell some self-help bootcamp says “you’re not the narcissist because you wonder if you are – you are perfect” but no one has put into words the fact that, because I am not the narcissist, I must heal the parts of me that attracted the narcissist. I loved the monster (and truly still do, to some extent). Of all the therapy I’ve been through I couldn’t figure out how to work “on me” because I was always trying to overcome what he was doing “to me” and turning me into some love sick, hate filled petty jealous psycho. But I think what might truly help me to separate the two conditions (his and mine) would be separating the two sides of him – the side that appealed to me because I lacked those qualities, and the sides I detest, and want to be nothing like. My biggest fear has always been that when I get myself healed, I will just be prime prey for him again, but at least for now, I can be reassured that he isn’t going to get better any time soon, so there is no point in letting him back in if he tries.
Thank you, as I needed this affirmation today
Thank you for clarifying what drives narcissistic behavior and the specific characteristics of a narcissist. I was indeed questioning if I was the narcissist, I can say I am not now after reading your article but I have to take responsibility for being the codependent. Thank you for shining the light on these uncomfortable areas and for bringing accountability and ultimately growth, maturity and furthered freedom. I accept myself and confess to love myself flaws and all. I continually drive forward towards self improvement but I know perfection is never achievable and I give myself permission to make mistakes and to be imperfect while working towards being a better person to others and a better person to myself. I will work to establish boundaries as I grow in self love and self respect, overcoming the copedendant habits and behaviors of the past. I seek wellness and healing of the broken areas of my life so there is no longer a need to rely on outward sources to validate me or uphold me. I am and can be strong and centered and whole, I can stand self dependent and have and maintain healthy boundaries. I will walk in self love and forgiveness, showing myself the same compassion and empathy I have for others. It’s time to grow.
Thanks Mel-
Your words have helped me feel lots of relief. As you posed the questions and I was able to answer yes to all of them…with each one that proved me not to be a narcissist, I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you for that.
I have been focusing on me somewhat, but being very hard on myself. And now recently after finding some relief from the depression I’ve been battling, I am now able to much more fully focus on me and not always be so hard on myself and forgiveness of self doesn’t seem so elusive.
I am also finding I am able to stop the rumination of my blaming thoughts, the replays of things said and not said and even feelings of anger toward the other. That is very freeing.
I can feel it as well as know intellectually after a year apart, that my happiness depends on me. In addition I need him to be GONE in order for me to work out my stuff.
And that’s the most important thing. Much different than needing his validation to move forward.
I am seeing more than flickers of light and I am breathing sighs of relief more often these days.
For this I am grateful.
Hugs,
Laura
Hi Laura,
You are very welcome, and I am so glad that you have experienced the relief of knowing you are not a narcissist.
It is very true that the dance with a narcissist can throw individuals into feeling ‘if only I did or didn’t say this or that he wouldn’t he or she wouldn’t have taken offence, abandoned me, reacted so badly, run off and done awful things etc.’ when all of us truly need to understand – decent people who have a sense of self just don’t have the reactions or do the things narcs do.
In virtually every case a narc is mated with someone who has a conscience. The acts in no way (from the codependent) deserved the punishment the narc delivered. None of that is real or healthy love.
It is wonderful you are claiming your truth and your healing!
Mel xo
Thank you for this article, Melanie! I also thank everyone who has posted about it- I am also coming to grips with what it was that I had not been taking care of in my own psyche, which led me into a relationship with a narcissist. I just want everyone here to know what it is that I am finding out about myself:
You are OK! You are a good individual! You are now on the upcurve of learning some tough things that no one had ever told you about before. Yes, they are hard lessons, but lessons well won! Remember: when you find yourself starting to emotionally beat yourself up, remind yourself that at any time, we all do the best we can with what we have- in terms of skills, knowledge, information, situational aspects- at any given moment. Learning to love ourselves unconditionally is a whole new thing. Our society does not teach this. So, onward and upward; keep going; you are getting there!
Cheers,
Kay
Hi Mel, today I felt so happy as I know I have come home to myself. It has been three months of no contact and I am really happy and realise that whilst I was with my ex ( Narc ) my behaviour was not normal. I did wonder if I was the horrible abusive person he claimed I was on a minutely basis. Every one comments that I am now relaxed and my children are so happy and calm. My oldest daughter has lost weight and it is amazing how many people smile and say hello and chat. I used to project such an energy of unease and sadness that it repelled people. I have been doing the NARP program of your of course and it clarified so much for me. I am definately not a Narc! XX Jane
Hi Jane,
Your post made me smile and filled my heart with joy!
It is so lovely that you have been able to shift out of the inner pain into your true self function.
It is so true that when we reach this state of love, truth and solidness within ourself then life on the outer also loves and supports us abundantly.
Keep up the great inner work.
Mel xo
Mel,
Thank you,thank you,for the work you do.Many folks do not get it,unless they experienced this nightmare firsthand.I eliminated the lies and shame this narcissist put me through.The people I surround myself with love and care about me.I give in return.Wonderful.Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Hi Bill,
You are very welcome, and thank you for your post.
I so agree! One certainly not comprehend narc abuse and behaviour ever unless they had experienced it – because it is not ‘human’ (consisting of conscience and empathy). In fact the only people who can comprehend it are narcs – they actually believe most people either do have the potential to act like them, or actually do on a regular basis…
It is great that you have been able to see and know your own truth and values and escape the narcissistic ‘ink ‘.
Lovely you are surrounded by love and genuine connection and beautiful souls these holidays.
Best wishes and thank you for yours
Mel xo
This question has been haunting me for a while and I couldn’t answer it on my own….AM I REALLY THE NARCISSIST!! I see know that my intense codependency can mirror some of the “symptoms” of narcissism and that’s the confusion…plus the narcissist is so good at “saying what I want to hear” that it felt empathetic. I am still trying to figure out whether my ex husband is a narcissist or whether his alcoholism is what triggered his narcissistic behavior. He’s been sober 6 years but still cheating….lying to me and telling me that he would say anything to me to have me shut the “f..k” up when I would cry about the affairs. Don’t know whether his behavior was his anger/guilt about affair talk…him deciding to divorce me because I was no healing fast enough from the affairs by being stuck in the pain…or narcissism. It’s complicated I guess…….and ultimately doesn’t matter except for looking at resources to heal!! The bottom line is he treated me terribly for 35 years….and I STAYED….and would take him back today!!! but he’s moved on to the next woman!! I’m still a sad mess!! Self esteem is below a rock and depression about my lost marriage is so terribly sad and tragic. I guess his mom’s 14 marriages should have gave me a clue!! still ….I guess not knowing what love really is, I want the only thing that felt “close?? to it!!….the crumbs are better than the starvation I’m going through now!! Thanks Melanie for the insight…
Hi Suzie,
Thank you for your honesty and your post.
Suzie I want to be really straight with you. Someone leaving you for another person can be in the realm of ‘acceptable’ behaviour, and no matter how hurtful that is – if this person has a sense of self they have enough respect for themself first and foremost to be honest, and possess integrity and honour others in the same capacity.
Lying, cheating and being deceptive is totally unacceptable behaviour, it is not adult, it is not mature and you simply cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who operates like this – because point blank there is no ability to trust that they can or will operate with integrity – which is the essential foundation to all real, safe and healthy relationships.
Additionally his inability to have remorse and take responsibility for lying and being deceptive is a huge red flashing neon sign. No-one ever transforms bad behaviour when they do not have the conscience to take respinsibility and be humble and genuinely remorseful. This man does not value his own self conduct as a ‘good person’, he doesn’t value you, and he doesn’t value the relationship.
There is ‘no’ real relationship under these conditions.
Now let’s shift the focus to you. Yes you are suffering from severe codependency, and this means that you have not as yet committed to healing your own wounds, and establishing self-love, self-acceptance and self-value within yourself.
There is no possibility when we don’t commit to and live ourself of receiving true connected and committed love from another – it just doesn’t happen.
You have admitted you would take him back. This is not about his mother’s 14 marraiges- truly this man is a catalyst in your life showing you what you ate prepared to accept as a reflection of how much you don’t live and accept yourself.
My love you won’t know what real true love is until you become that to yourself. And when you do (which is a job between you and you first and foremost without a man) then you will never again accept the basement ‘worth’ of deception and lies…
The starvation of love you are feeling can never be filled by another person. The starvation you are feeling is the love, commitment and acceptance you ate not partnering yourself with.
This man has done you an enormous favour by leaving. He had left you with you, and the intense pain that he is not going to relieve you from so that you can commit to healing yourself.
Truly Suzie it’s no one else’s job – it needs to be yours.
Yesterday, on New Years eve, I went to the beautiful dog park in my neighborhood with my “best friend” Dixie (a 4 y/o black & tan coonhound). And in my walk, I “thanked” my partner of 24 years for leaving me. That was 3 years ago, Ive been struggling with a false sense of loyalty to her, feeling our love was real, we were family, and rationalizing her behavior aa that of an alcoholic. I looked at my responsibility in our relationship’s destruction as a result of alcholism and the dynamics that wreak havoc on both people. I saw her start AA, get and stay sober now for 3 years, which is a miracle. And I have listened to ger tell me, over and over, that she was sorry, she still loves me and wants ne back, that she just doesnt know how to tell the woman she is with that she doesnt belong there. Her words have not matched her actions in years. A dear friend told me about you and your program recently. I have to say, in these 4 years I have researched, read, attended Alanon, sat in open AA meetings, all of that. But I am so ready to work your program to exlpore and heal from the inside. I can actually say, without hesitation, thanks to the person I “loved” for 28 years for doing what she did, because it has put me on a path of mental and spiritual growth I never would have begun. I cant wait to dig in to your NARP program, thank you for turning your painful experiences into something so powerfully helpful to so many others.
This comment is amazing and packed full of so much truth. Thank you Melanie for this article and this true follow up post.
Wow thank god ! I’m thinking the devil himself ! Thank you I was really thinking can I be !( narcisstic ) .but I’m codependent text book . I thank god for working threw you to renew my spirit .I lacked the knowledge . Now I have weapons to protect myself . God bless I pray that you touch those that suffer as I did to be free!
Hi Carol,
Thank you for your post, and I am so glad the article resonated with you and helped 🙂
Mel xo
What a great blog! I can’t tell you how long I have wonderedif I’m the narcissist, the crazy one, the one with all the issues. This is exactly what I needed to reaffirm I do have a concious and feel true empathy. I know somewhere inside me I didn’t feel worthy and searched for some one to love me when I now know I need to love myself. Im well on my way to that and living my life with my two kids. I used to stress about the future but now I try and live in the now and cherish my life with the kids and not will it away or will things to change. One thing I have learnt less is more. Xx
Hi Victoria,
I am glad this article has allowed you to understand that you certainly are not a narcissist.
It’s wonderful that you are creating you as the centre of self-love and self-acceptance now rather than trying to get the ‘fix’ from the outside.
Beautiful that you are focusing on living in the now – that is an enormous benefit of self-love and self-acceptance, the coming home to our true nature of being ‘oneness’ – at one with ourself, life and others. The knowing that everything is in perfect and divine order, without emptiness, neediness, or expectations (certain things have to be a certain way for me to feel whole, worthy and ‘love’).
This is what true love really is….Keep up the great realizations and progress 🙂
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie,
For putting my feelings,(and I’m sure of many others),doubts,all those many questions,into the right words!This is so very helpfull and important,in the healing-process.
xx
Hi Erika,
You are so welcome, and I am so pleased this article had helped you clarify and assisted your healing path!
Mel xo
Hi Mel…I have been guilty of the “he did me wrong” brigade….I sincerely apologise! As I pack up the last of our belongings here ready to move back to our home country by myself (obviously no support from the Narc) I finally know I CAN do it! I came across some “schoolies” the other night- young kids celebrating graduation in a foreign country with little supervision, and whose ambition obviously exceeded their abilities in the alcoholic beverage scene….I placed him in the recovery position, held his head and stroked his hair while he lost everything and wiped his mouth with a flannel from a neighbouring restaurant while his mate got his guardian from their hotel. I KNOW I am not a Narc, (despite thinking I may be for a loooong time) as I want to know that this boy is okay…and I felt unconditional love for him while all this was going on…no disgust, no judgement, just caring and empathy. I could not have done that without your NARP program. Thank you Mel…we all wonder at times, and without healing ourselves, we’d probably still be confused….I know I was. I am finally getting back to me, and shedding the Narcs false projections like snake-skin. Love, empathy and strengrh to you all xxxxx
Hi Indogirl,
No need to apologise. It can be very easy
to escape our necessary transformations by blaming what the narc did!
It’s wonderful that you now deeply understand there is absolutely no value, growth, relief or healing our unhealed parts by doing that!
What a wonderful great deed! And how wonderful you were able to care as you did..
I am so pleased you are working with NARP and shedding the pain and the illusions.
It is lovely watching and having the honour to be a part of your progress IG!
Mel xo
Thank you, Mel!
And thank you for mentioning the work of Susan Jeffers in one of your recent blogs. I had never really understood the power of affirmations in the healing process until I read the information on her website. I guess I was finally ready to hear it, because you have often written about this power and your good advice just didn’t penetrate my fuzzy thinking. I have ordered some books and am practicing what I’ve learned so far, and it is making a huge difference. I’ve never had much experience with truly positive self-talk, and now I’ve got a good script and many new ideas.
And, just for the record, I am NOT a narcissist! I AM responsible, loving, generous, hard-working, and self-affirming. “Only I am responsible for the quality of my life. Whatever comes, I can handle it. One step at a time is enough for me. I let go and trust that everything happens for the best. I focus on my many blessings.” I LOVE being able to say these things to myself and really mean them!
Yes, a tiny part of me still wishes that the earth would stop and the narc would realize how special and wonderful I am and come running back to me and tell me that he has become the man he claimed to be. But that’s ok. This longing has faded into background noise. I didn’t know when I met him what I know now. I gave myself unwisely but that’s in the past. I can take care of myself now. I trust myself now. I am safe in my own care now. I am drawing good things to me now. I am healthy now. I can validate myself now. Thinking this way makes me feel fantastic!
Hi EJ,
You are very welcome!
Yes that extreme pain absolutely is the addiction and our unhealed parts. It is an incredibly consistent symptom of being narc abused and having forfeited ourself and believing the narc is our ‘source of self’ before we come home to being our own source of self-love and self-acceptance.
When we clean that up as well as our unhealed programs that are attaching us to abusive people, then there is no longing, there is no attachment, and in fact there is no desire to be a part of that energy again.
We are simply vibrating at a completely different frequency than where the narcissist ‘is’.
Yes even the seemingly most sane and good person can act like a needy maniac in the midst of narcissistic abuse, but only if they have self-love, self-acceptance issues and fear of abandonment and rejection programs to heal.
How we forgive ourselves is by doing the deep inner work to heal our unhealed parts and by coming home to the attention and commitment (the care) to ourself by doing so.
That’s the greatest loyalty and love we can ever be for ourself. As well as the daily self talk and affirmations that reflect choosing to love, accept and partner ourself.
The NARP program facilitates this deep inner identity work, and module 3 in the program is specifically about this deep inner forgiveness work.
It is so beautiful that you are partnering and affirming you being a source of love and care to yourself! Gorgeous…
Mel xo
EJ
As I was reading all the comments- I loved what you wrote below it made me cry! This is the whole purposes of meeting these people…I am thankful for the for the painful lessons- I am a thriver not just a survivor. All the best to you ..hugs.
“I gave myself unwisely but that’s in the past. I can take care of myself now. I trust myself now. I am safe in my own care now. I am drawing good things to me now.”
Hi Melanie,
Great article. Your article is so timely and it is almost as if I have asked you to do that article just for me. Has given me great insight to a question I have asked myself so many times.
Is it me? Deep down I know I am not a narcissist but some of my behaviours from co-dependency and trauma within the relationship have cause me to act out. I know I have empathy and compassion. I agree it is not good to focus on what a narcissist is and the things they have done. However, I feel shame and guilt at some of the things I have done. I was just wondering Melanie how do I start to feel better over some of the co-dependant acts and behaviours that i have committed. For example the worst things I have done is begging, pleading, crying,& all of that. However, I have made numerous repeated phone calls in one evening on many occasions because I am in PTSD mode about him having left me yet once again. He then accuses me of stalking him from phone harassment which is akin to what I feel is like a panic attack at the time from the thought of losing him. At the time my constant phone calls and my harassment and begging of him feels out of control and obsessional. I never verbally abuse, just beg. I feel so ashamed afterwards and plead for his forgiveness. I always feel remorseful aftrewards. I feel so ashamed. I have this behaviour under control now but still struggle with wanting to contact him. He then threatens me with a restraining order and is vebally horrific to me. Then a short time afterwards he contacts me & is nice to me again and I feel hysterical that someone I loved could threaten me and verbally abuse me when all I was doing was trying to say I love you please don’t leave me. I am getting much better at the no-contact now and realise my behaviour was wrong. However I feel so ashamed that he has called me a stalker from the incessant phone calling even though that was what I was doing. I know my behaviour was wrong. How do I get my dignity, self-esteem back after acting out like this. I don’t normally act like this with other people. How do I forgive myself? I also sometimes feel that if I haven’t acted like this I would still be with him. However, I think he would have moved on as he is a narcissist and I wouldn’t have given the supply. How do we co-dependants get over what we have done and our bad behaviours? He abuses and I have turned into a stalker!! (i.e phone calls, not physical). He makes me out to be the crazy one and I have been I must say. My behaviour and phone harassment has been devestating to my dignity & pride.
Thanks for all your great work Melanie. You have given me enormous insight and I know I am getting there with healing myself but it is still such a long and painful road. I still have much work to do on myself.
So I guess my question is “How do we co-dependants forgive ourselves for our actions & bad behaviours?”.
Much love xx
Deborah,
The extreme panic you felt when trying to separate from your narc is soooo familiar to me. I felt it many times, and many times I just could not face the separation. I’d go a few days, then a few weeks, then a month. I had to dump him and then return to him again and again. This gave him golden opportunities to carry on about my lack of commitment and insane behavior. I finally got tired of being told how insane, helpless and hopeless I was and I walked away for good.
I believe the panic comes from two sources. One is the very powerful peptide addiction. There is a grueling physical withdrawal process to go through. The second source is your unhealed wounds.
Melanie has written some great blogs on forgiving yourself and the narc. You didn’t know about all this when you met him, and it takes time for the truth to sink in. Don’t define yourself by anything you did in the relationship! You were fighting for your sanity and your life. Narcs could make Mother Teresa into a stalker!
I used to wonder if the obsession would ever go away. Well, it has for me and it will for you, too. It’s no fun facing all this, but the healing is worth the price.
How do you forgive yourself for struggling to survive in narc world? By treating yourself with the same compassion and kindness you would treat any other person who got caught up in that situation and came to you for help!
Love to you,
EJ
“Narcs could make Mother Teresa into a stalker.” Brilliant EJ!!!
What a fabulous post EJ, it is now May 2016 and I am in the middle of a nightmarish divorce from a narc, there are times when I have not been able to say his name. But as with Voldemort I have realised that this empowered him and thanks to Melanie (bless you) am finding ways to re-empower myself so that I no longer feel any connection with him. In time I will be able to say his name without a flinch!
I have been plagued with the ‘good girl’ syndrome, the curse of co-dependency, feeling the need to be constant and loving in the face of even severe challenges in the belief that love could conquer all, and feeling shattered that it could not and ashamed of my weakness and instability. Over 20 years later I now know that ‘a narc could make even Mother Theresa into a stalker’! I didn’t become a stalker but I became considerably less than myself and very, very ill, as was his intention when he met me. That phrase has helped me put things into perspective. I survived the narc, I still have a long way to go but I am so very grateful for this website and the very many loving and supportive friends that I have.
Hi Deborah,
I am so glad that this article showed up at the right time for you! Synchroniscity is a powerful and beautiful thing and truly a confirmation that you are moving forward into your soul truth of freedom and healing.
What you are experiencing is very normal shame and pain as a result of acting out the agony of narcissistic abuse.
If you see my post above to EJ this will grant you some insight re the answer to your question.
My highest suggestion to you is the inner identity healing processes with NARP.
That journey will provide for you self-forgiveness as well as the healing of your unhealed patterns that created your co-dependent triggers and acting out – so that you won’t find yourself in similiar relationship dynamics again.
Mel xo
Hello Melanie. Your recent article is timely, as i have just been asking myself the question “am i also a Narcissist” and “have i acted this way”, or worse “is initiating the very recent separation and restraining order a narcissistic way of solving problems in a long-term marriage “! It’s truly saddening to see how much the narc’s hooks infiltrate your mind to be reflecting on this situation in this manner. so insiduous! it becomes more painful when others in the family or friends, ask “if this (separation and intervention order)were really needed to be done”, and “not to be selfish, and think of the kids”. well of course if we are talking about the ‘mr nice guy’ charmer, superficially helpful and wise, good citizen and humourous character that was portrayed to others, then no the solutions above were not warranted. but people don’t know the true, deep ongoing cutting reality of living with a narc. if they actually did and genuinely wanted to understand the co-dependent’s emotions and rationale, they would say that yes, the above solution was appropriate! and this outcome comes from a place of consciousness and empathy for one’s own spirit because the narc sure as hell doesn;t offer this to their partner! i always maintain that no-one is an expert on your own reality and inner feelings. and that they have not been in your shoes dealing with the toxic narc directly and daily!
in going forward, i try to use this quality of empathy, and wish good things for the narc that was in my life, so that he can try and heal himself on his life journey, a journey that i cannot mentally, spiritually, physically share with him anymore. I have my own more empowered, free, strong, lucid, loving, generous, helpful life journey to travel on! And i really hope this helps others. A big thank you to you Melanie, your articles are amazingly insightful and very supportive!
Hi Teresa,
Again I am so pleased of the synchronicity of this art I’ve for you!
Yes it is insidious and very confusing until you can truly detach reclaim yourself and get clear.
Yes, your actions are appropriate, it truly is whatever it takes to retain your right to live an abuse free life, and place boundaries which clearly state ‘no more’.
It is lovely that you wish the best for him, and yes you are not responsible for another individual just as he is not responsible for you.
We can only ever assist others who do take responsibility for themselves, and if we try to ‘help’ and ‘support’, we only ever be scapegoated and projected on to.
It is lovely and so empowering that you have chosen your own path of authentic love, decency and sanity!
Great job, and you are most welcome 🙂
Mel xo
thank you for this article ,at times i have wondered too is it me by the thoughts and reactions i have felt to what has been done to me and my children .i have always been a very spiritual person and worked and helped many people with problems through meditation and intuitive advice and i was very strong and happy before i met the narc ,over the 15 years being with him i began to question myself as to whether i was confused and was really like him and not spiritual and helpful at all and i gradually gave up teaching meditation and self help and i totally lost my identity and spent all my time trying to heal him forgetting about myself and i began to believe his words that i was judgmental uncaring and controlling .since march when i left i have been reading lots and doing as much self help as i can and i am feeling much stronger ,he still tries to control me even though we are thousands of miles apart and occasionally i feel bad for a reaction that comes from me to his words etc ,but i now see it as his lack of self control and not mine and gradually i am finding myself and the person that i used to be and it is no longer important that i make him see that what he does is his fault,i dont need to have him tell me he,s wrong . my trophy is finding me my children,s happiness and knowing that i am a good person .so today is 12.12.12 lets make today a release from our bird cages day and learn to fly again .hugs and blessings to you all find your peace and live in it .thank you melanie for all the advice and this website x
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your post, and you are very welcome!
Many spiritual people end up in narc abused relationships – it is incredibly common. Narcs go after ‘light’ and they gravitate to healers and givers.
The truth of the matter is many spiritual people are fabulous at espousing and helping others to establish self-love and self-acceptance but did not fully anchor it for themselves.
This is what you need to understand and embrace honestly. Truly Karen you do now have an opportunity to really embrace you and become a person at a far higher vibration of ‘self’ than you were even before your narc abuse experience.
He came into your life for a reason, there were no mistakes, and ultimately it was to grant your soul the ability to evolve, and to create genuine love within and without – and the knowing of your true self and deservedness, and not just for the people you assist to heal.
Thank you for your lovely 12/12/12 blessings for everyone 🙂
Mel xo
thanks mel for the reply ,yes you are right many spiritual helpers healers feel the need to make people feel better we dont want anyone to suffer that is how i met him he was a student of mine that progressed into me being a 24 hr carer of his needs ,at the time it was subtle and i didnt notice for a long time how i was being changed and of course i kept on with the care even though it hurt me as he was so good at playing the wounded bird and projecting the blame to me ,i felt that i had to excuse him as he was sick and couldnt help it thats how they play on good hearted people as we dont want to let people down and so we keep trying to heal them without realising that by us healing them it is making us sick and weaker .i am now back helping people and the thanks and good responses i am receiving are doing my confidence the world of good i feel like my old self and a lot stronger inside and out .i think you are right about the soul needing to learn a lesson too and i truly hope mine has learned the lesson and finished the exam haha.thank you again and for taking time to reply to every one .have a wonderful christmas and may 2013 bring happy times and peace and contentment to every living soul x
I am still on the fence whether my “ex” is a narc or not.
He doesn’t lie or cheat but i am a different person with him. I have become jealous, insecure and we fight alot because of it. He has anger issues when we fight but he doesn’t see it as a problem because that is just how he talks. Not one of my friends or family members thinks he is right for me. He says he loves me but has no idea why he cant verbally tell me. He thinks being together is validation enough. I have alot of concern and a gut feeling that i am a different person because of what he brings out of me in this relationship. I just dont know why i cannot just let him go. I do care for him and wish we didn’t fight alot but i am starting to realize it is just a toxic relationship and he is who he is.
Having a very hard time letting go and being alone…..
I should add that i left my husband, a man that would do anything for me. I am still having a hard time dealing with guilt for leaving him and wondering if we should go to therapy and try to save our marriage. The one thing making me do that is not knowing if i want to be with the narc or not.
The narc has a very good way of manupulating the situation and making me feel guilty for it all.
I dont even feel comfortable posting this because I dont even know if my situation applies the a narc behaviour.
thanks for listening….
Hi MW,
With your post what stands out for me is your statement ‘I am having trouble letting go and being alone’.
I also feel that things are getting so bad with your present partner that you are. Inside ring going back to your husband so that you will not be alone.
My suggestion is you do need to be alone, and you do need to ask yourself some very important questions regarding how you a feeling and what you are are experiencing.
You rejected a man who sounds like a wonderful man, and it even seems like he would take you back even though you left him for another person.
But what is it within you that is rejecting him, was bored with him or couldn’t accept his devotion and love.
What is it within you that wants to stay attached to man who can’t even verbally express that he loves you?
What are you own levels of love and acceptance within yourself that are manifesting these scenarios for yourself?
The truth is that if we don’t love and accept ourselves, the outer love situations will always reflect this back. We may blame others for not loving us at the level we wish, but what we really are perceiving about how they are treating us is really what we feel about ourself.
And if we don’t love and accept ourself then we will reject someone who does have the resources to truly love us.
It all comes back to self and establishing the most vital love relationship there ever is – the one between us and ourself, because every outer love experience can and will only ever reflect this.
I hope this helps…
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie, like so many others the I’ve had those thoughts about being a narcissist as well. In fact I took the NPI a few times LOL just to make sure I wasn’t. Don’t know why I felt the need to take it over those few extra times except that it probably was a symptom of questioning my own integrity. Your advice to focus more on ourselves is very healing and valuable, though it does take effort to keep our focus where it belongs. I started thinking about that when I read your Learning About Narcissism isn’t going to save us (my paraphrasing) blog. Once I put focus on my own issues I felt so much better and so much more powerful. Thank you for all that you share with us!
Hi Lisa,
You are very welcome! It is very. Ommon and normal after having the narcissists unhealed parts continually projected on to you to feel like you are the ‘bad’ person who lacks integrity.
This shame and fear are universal narc abuse symptoms.
Keep your focus on you and the incredible, joyous and fascinating journey of transforming self and you will be walking on the golden path!
Mel xo
Good essay!
What’s worked for me is Changing The Rules Of The Game by first changing my mindset — something invisible to my narcissist (who isn’t really bad compared to many).
Basically, I see her as an “idiot” or “dingbat.” As noted in the essay, they all do the same things in the same way. Just like kids with Downs Syndrome will often act (though they can learn & respond) — you only expect so much and expect some irritations…and knowing they can’t help it makes it easier to deal with.
Ditto for the narcissist. They can’t help it. And even though you know they often do things to provoke, if one can stay calm & objective and accept their assertions at face value one invariably sees ridiculous behavior patterns. Point those out and the narcissist is given negative narcissistic supply.
In other words, they expect you to respond to their provocations…and instead you respond like you’re too dumb to realize that & only see their behavior for what they’d like to pretend it was about.
Not only don’t they get the payoff of you getting flustered…they get a negative payoff of setting themselves up to appear like an idiot.
My approach is to pretend I’m the “manager of my house” – a role that is inherently objective…like I’m the hired butler. Get into that mindset & from that perspective they look like idiots because they are.
For example, my wife occassionaly likes to rearrange things…partly because she’s a disorganized slob and partly to irritate me under the noble banner of “cleaning up” or “getting organized.”
Most recently she set piled a bunch of stuff in my workout area, making the treadmill inaccessible for example. The expected response was for me to counter a personal attack in which I complained about how I need & used that equipment, etc. …to which she’ll say I can wait & I’m being selfish, etc.
The “manager of the house” approach was to note the highly inefficient process used–why move all that stuff around knowing you’ll have to move it again, and maybe again–before getting rid of several major items she decided to give to charity/sell/trash (she’d mentioned that a day or so before)? Now she’d thinking about how dumb she’s appearing–getting “organized” via a process so disorganized it was creating much more work for herself — pointing that out was naturally embarrassing to her. That made her want to go about it differently–for her sake.
There’s the saying something like, ‘there’s a good reason and a real reason anyone does anything.’ The trick is to find the reason that works–communicating with them on thier level without actually getting down to their level.
I first got this idea from a book by M.Scott Peck, “People of the Lie,” where toward the end he was describing an exorcism–the Devil being the ultimate narcissist, with very personal attacks at those trying to get rid of the demon (if this really was a demon or not is immaterial here). He reported someone in the group simply observed that all the tantrums & accusations & name calling & thrashing around by the demon-possessed person just looked silly. … And I though to myself, isn’t that really all that matters! Engaging is pointless, left on their own & observed on their own merits they simply look like idiots.
The trick is to see another human in this way.
Most of us have no trouble making such a revision in our outlook to a dog that’s become rabid, to a person with serious post-stroke brain damage, etc. So we can all do so with a person we realize is a true narcissist.
I suppose a psychologist might call that a “boundary” – building technique. But it works.
Hi Ken,
And thank you for your share!
True NPDs unfortunately have the volatility and impulsive reactions of having to ‘one up’ and escalate if they are not able to dump their tortured self and get a reaction, or not the reaction they sought with the original behavior.
This inevitably can lead to atrocious behavior that evokes such threatening, vengeful, heartbreaking and damaging betrayals that it is truly impossible to live under such conditions. People who are capable of taking behavior to extreme levels are undeniably unsafe to reside with or have relationships with.
It is great that your situation is manageable for you, and you are happy to live with it.
Mel xo
Hi Ken – i can see where you are coming from with your ‘trick’ and im really happy that it works for you but i tried EVERYTHING over the 8 years i spent with the ‘idiot’ – your trick being one of them. The only response I would have got from my partner is extra violence, agression, anger, blame, disrespect because probably the main thing that you cant do is make them look like an idiot or question anything they do – very dangerous in my experience. So pleased it works for you – maybe its the male/female reversal in the situation?
Dear Mel,
I’ve been a loyal reader of your newsletters and blogs over the last 6 months after my then already-ex casually admitted to having been diagnosed with narcissism several years before he met me. Your advice has been very helpful: it allowed me to break off contact, get un-hooked, and start re-building a more healthy life.
I was always a happy-go-lucky man with co-dependency issues and in retrospect it surprises me that I made it to the age of 36 before I met my first (and sofar, fingers crossed, only) narcissist to exploit them.
His abuse did turn me into the disjointed, angry, irrational, unreasonable and controlling person that you describe – a person that I could not recognize from my “usual” self. I have at times wondered whether I have my own narcissistic issues and took your narcissistic self-test a couple of times to re-assure myself that I’m not a narcissist.
Conscience and empathy indeed are the crucial difference, but it is scary to recognize this because a) these are the two that were ruthlessly abused by the narcissist when he attacked my integrity, and b) these are also the two that I used to justify my own co-dependent behavior. For all things related to narcissists, I am now reluctant to listen to my conscience, or tune into my sense of empathy, because I’m scared that I will slide right back into co-dependent behavior or onto the narcissist’s hook. Nurturing conscience and empathy as qualities that help us be “good” people is obviously important but we need to be aware that our co-dependent thinking patterns may overrate them as factors in our judgment.
You’ve already written some excellent stuff on co-dependency, but it would be great if you could provide some more practical guidelines or exercises on how to dare to tap into conscience and empathy again, without fear of falling back into our old co-dependent behavior. Many thanks!
Hi Peter,
I am so glad my material has been able to help you break free.
It is so interesting that many co-dependents don’t come across narcissists until their 30s, 40s or even 50s. I believe the lesson of the narcissist comes into our life when it truly is time to heal, and become a true source to ourself.
And if we don’t get the lesson firmly narcissists still keep coming!
Oh yes, until we are a true source to ourself, and are no longer seeking outside approval a life with a narcissist is all about declaring indignantly that we do have vital human decency and trying to get the narc to ‘get that’.
It is a powerful tussel of wills and lines us up to stay attached and trying to prove we ‘are right’. This is distinctly codependent behavior that most of us have been very guilty of.
Conscience and empathy are not codependent behaviors when we have healed our unhealed parts and come home to self-love and self-acceptance.
First we apply these solid values to ourself and we honour ourself first and foremost. Then we assist and give in appropriate ways that are not self damaging. And we no longer need to win approval or fix others who are not taking responsibility and self ownership of their own unhealed parts.
Peter have you looked into NARP? Because within my program is specific healing modules that will untangle, heal up and clarify exactly the dilemma you’re speaking of.
Mel xo
I wondered if I was the only one who had this question run through my mind. Reading these blogs makes me feel like I am not crazy – which is how my Narc would like me to feel. I am waiting for for NARP to arrive. I plan to focus on self love as I do think I have co-dependent tendencies. I just don’t want to ever be in a relationship with a Narc again. Reading Melanie’s blogs and the comments reminds me that at least I am not alone. There are others with children who have to manage their Narc for years to come. Best wishes and strength to all of you.
Hi Molly,
It must be a wonderful relief to know you are not alone!
Please no that NARP is automatically downloadable links it is not a physical product.
Can you please send an email to [email protected] so that the links and download instructions can be sent to you again….
It is great that you are going to work the program and commit to your inner self….it will help so much,
Mel xo
Oh my Gosh!
Melanie,
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve have been so tormented by this question for the last couple of months. Pages in my journal have been filled questioning my motives and behaviors. Once I get it out onto paper, it comes back around to the reality that No. A narcissist doesn’t keep giving, a narcissist doesn’t follow through on responsibiliites REGARDLESS of how loved ones treat them. The narcissist doesn’t forgive seriously bad behavior from others time and again hoping for peace in the family. No, I don’t belong to that group and I am grateful for that. However I do fit the co dependant role. This article came at the right time for me. You have made my day!
My childhood was filled with abandonment, agony, abuse and fear. I was never accepted by my family and I grew up knowing I wasn’t ok. All I ever wanted was a family and that want led me straight into an abusive marriage where I accepted behavior that destroyed my soul. It’s been 10 years since I ended it and for 10 years the abuse has continued including by my children whom I love dearly. But a year and a half ago, I started to take a stand. While reading a book about manipulative people the man I was in a relationship with started to act very differently. Im sure it had to do with the fact I was behaving differently with the tools I was learning in the book. Anyway, it didnt take long (weeks) for our relationship to fall apart. I being the one accused of being emotionally unavalable. But while packing my belongings I came across his hidden webcam and microphone… Validating my intuition of his internet activities while I was at work! YAY for me and my best friend – “Intuition”!
I was crushed and I felt suicidal. I was completely convinced I was unlovable, cruel, ugly, selfish and incapable of having a relationship. But somewhere deep down inside was a little voice that kept telling me how well I did in this relationship by not mixing money, by not discussing marriage until 3 years had passed. By not engaging in petty arguments that served no purpose. After coming across your website and reading your articles as well as a few weeks of therapy, prayer and reaching out to others, I have found so much healing. My mind is still screaming at times. Full of self doubt, fear, and the all too common woulda, shoulda, coulda’s. But somewhere inside is a quiet voice that says, “This guy came along to help heal from the past.” He was just a vehicle to bring about the change I had prayed for. All this pain and all this work has nothing to do with him just as his leaving the relationship had nothing to do with me. It has to do with prayers being answered. He moved a new woman in 3 weeks later and the only thing he had to say to me after I left was that I didn’t leave him any sheets and he couldn’t find his thong panties (I guess because I had always found them disgusting and I threw them in the trash as I left).
That told me everything I needed to know about how superficial and unreal the whole thing had been on his part, and what a waste of time it would have been for me to stick around a second longer. It’s taken all year for me to come to terms with this. But it ripped the scabs off of deep wounds that I needed to heal. Im not about to write him a thank you letter, however I can work on forgiving him in order to be free of him. I’ve also been doing the work to forgive myself too.
You have helped me to understand that and to make sense of some of the insanity.
Thank you
Hi Debby,
I am so pleased this article has brought you relief!
It is great that you bringing back ‘all that happened to self’ in order to get your healing and iner relationship right with you – because truly that will be an end to relationships with abusive others.
You are so right in that our greatest self dream and wish is ‘real love’ and it must start with self, regardless of our programs, regardless of our childhoods, and regardless of the painful relationships we created and endured in order to see and claim our unhealed parts in order to heal.
All of us, including you have a glorious and real life of true love, acceptance and joy to claim – and when we become that to ourself there will never again be any need to create or endure any less than that again.
It is our birthright and true essential nature.
Mel xo
Thank you so much for the wonderful article. From childhood I’ve carried around the vague feeling that something was wrong with me, that I was for some reason basically unlikable or unlovable. As a result, I have always let potential friends and romantic partners “pick” me. I was always so excited that someone wanted to be my friend, or wanted to be with me, that I failed to fully evaluate whether or not this person was someone I actually wanted to have in my life. Now, I’m trying to develop a sense of self love to pick for myself people who will be good for me. It’s been a real eye-opener, to see as I am going through this divorce process, to see how valuable I am to other people, and that the people in my life who genuine love me and want me to be around them far outnumber the people who do not.
Hi Mary,
Thank you for your post, and the honest and humble sharing you have done here.
I am so not surprised that you being so real with yourself is creating such a powerful shift in your life toward genuine self-love and the true creation of ‘more of that’.
Mel xo
I am so gratefull to you, Melanie as I am four years into recovery. It was a double blow realizing I had been so emotionally abused by two men I had loved deeply and discovering I had been Co-Dependent with a thirty year gap between them. I am still being held up with property settlement I have discovered much about myself Thank You.
Hi Irene,
You are very welcome, and I am pleased you are coming home to self.
Please know ‘who you are’ right now is not determined by any outside forces, not even property settlement. And the more you work on being true love and self acceptance to yourself, the outer things in your life will all start falling into place.
Mel xo
Yes like others ,I too thought that maybe it is my issue and that I am the one with mental concerns,and when you try to understand you realise that it is absorbing and self defeating…LOOKING AT THE NARCIS’TUG PULL AND PUSH GAME OF MAKING OUT THAT I AM THE ONE WITH THE ISSUES. Thank you for the reminder that it is partly my issue for letting this thing eat me,and yes self worth and steeping back realy lookuing at what is gone on or is still going on is of my doing also,Yes self acceptance and forgiveness finding my balance again…Not wearing nor dragging it around in my head is important.I wish my older sibling well in life and do feel empathy toward his condition.However and thank you.For reminding me, that although I let all this occur in my own participation of such nonsense,that I can heal and get on.
Thank’s Mel’
Hi Al,
I am so pleased that this article has allowed you to realize ‘what is yours’ and ‘what is his’ and that you can break free and focus on creating and living your true nature.
You are most welcome!
Mel xo
Dear Melanie ~ What a gift your website is and all the information you have given us. But the best gift is YOU. For us to see and to know that you have conquered and overcome the terrible narcissistic situations gives us all hope!
Today is the 5th wedding anniversary, 12-12-12,with my narcissist though I am not with him any longer. I was tempted to send him a card along with my mother’s obituary…but after one full year of “no contact”, I slept on it and looked back over the worst things Ilived through with him, unspeakable treatment and injustices, and I tore up the card and made a new commitment that today begins another year of no contact…forever. I am healthy today after going through months and months of prayer and meditation on the Word of God and with His help and the help of a precious therapist friend who was willing to be there for me, I know I am not the narcissist. Too
much caring and compassion and pain for that person I loved and for the situation but I had to leave it as there was no resolution for anything together. Now I’m learning to give the caring and compassion to myself and grow healthy spiritually emotionally and physically once again. Thank you so much for your love and your sharing with us. I love you and I know that there are countless others who feel the same way. Bless you dear friend. With love, Joy
Hi Joy,
That is so wonderful that you did not send the card and risk hooking yourself back in.
It is so wonderful that you are expending your gorgeous and divine nature where it is mean to be shared, with yourself and other people and pursuits in your world that are a match for your life and truth.
Thank you sharing your divine energy and light here and please know I love you very much too.
Mel xo
I totally love your topics of discussion, Melanie! And this one is very appropriate.
I remember my narc sister (in her attempt to discredit what I was saying when I was holding her accountable for her behavior)once declaring to me [in an insulting voice] “You always TALK like a psychologist!”
…to which I laughed and said “yeah, and you think your complaints are so important that everyone should just kiss your ass versus being able to separate themselves from your perspective and think for themselves.”
She (and other family members attack me for setting boundaries-of course- and Because of their narcissism- they continuously try to make me feel bad about following the “no contact” rule) because in their minds I’m not allowed to think (or live) for myself. Regardless of any insults they throw my way, I always speak in ways that holds them accountable for their behavior and do not allow them to tell me how to live my life.
I always try to put things into perspective based on the narcissistic abuse they’ve done to others, which also helps me keep a sense of humor regarding their “power plays”. For example, this sister I mentioned packed up all of the items in her household that she deemed as “hers”, took the kids and moved into a new condo, and moved out while her (now ex) husband was working. She never informed him ahead of time that she would be “stealing” everything, including his kids, and simply left the guy a “dear john” note versus talking about her problems with him directly–as HE was obviously her only problem in her mind. This type of abusive and dramatic gesture was seen throughout her entire relationship with this man, who was clearly her scapegoat.
So, when she tries to turn the tables with her blaming language on me, I respond by saying something like “and this coming from someone who did ___”.
By the way, did I mention that she hooked up with this guy because he was interested in me in high school? Yeah, she’s definitely tried to “steal” guys from me before, but she could never see that (not only was I not interested in this guy the way she thought I was), I didn’t get hurt by her immaturity. And later in life after her divorce, she openly flirted with a doctor I was dating, claiming outright that “they” were a better match than me and him! (we laughed for months about it)
She still has zero insight into any of it, and still looks to hold onto ex boyfriends of mine, to claim as her own. She really puts a lot of effort into it! It’s VERY amusing to watch. I’ve had many things to laugh about regarding her behavior because I rarely let myself get pulled into her manipulations, so I’m able to see much of it as entertaining, luckily.
I also remind myself that in recovery from narcissistic abuse, we question everything, including ourselves. And I’ve found that often, because the narcs that have attacked us for so long with their criticisms of our behaviors, that it seems that we need to process and welcome trusting ourselves. And sometimes we’re lucky enough to see the ridiculousness of a narcissist’s ways (like I could easily do with my sister), but other times it takes more work to see it that way.
Most of the comments I read here seem to come from people who believe in honesty and consideration of others…and that makes me happy because it helps me believe in the good in the world. I’m happy to see mature, loving adults sharing their trust in themselves, and openness to self-acceptance.
I recognize that I am healing, and I own that I am a compassionate and loving person, who has never been a narcissist. I just happen to dance among them from time to time…and when I do, I do my best to smile and remind myself that there are some really bad dancers out there!
Hi Dragonfly,
You know I don’t like much focus on narc behavior because it can pull us back down into the muck – but the vibe of your post does have an important and inspirational message – which is the behavior, reasoning and scapegoating of narcs is incredibly childish, non-sensical and hilarious.
It is also very comical how when a boundary is put up to the behaviour how the narc will then try to blame shift and accuse you of being childish and non-sensical or grab any other unrelated missile to try to discredit.
It’s like rolling around in a toxic sandpit in a kindergarten!
Real life just doesn’t operate like that, and nor do normal people.
If you are ever in a relationship operating like this – there is no real relationship. The only relationship a narcissist ever has is the construction and defending of his or her own grandiose false self.
Leave them to it!
Mel xo
I am not the narcissist! And I can heal, and become whole and complete! I can do it! B)
Hi NMSD,
Big yay and yes you certainly can!
Mel xo
I just want to say thank you also. This is the question that I have been asking myself since I first realized several weeks ago that narcissism had been the root of our relationship problems. I kept thinking of her actions in terms of the “golden rule” and asking “how could she have behaved this way, I would never have done that to her.” How could she not intuit that what she was doing was hurtful? Every expression of hurt by me was met with: “what about me? How do you think I felt having to break up with you … (pick a stupid reason)?” Still, I recognize that I also have a big ego, and have been successful, so first reading about this disorder I wondered about myself. I also think I have a conscience and was happy to apologize when I could see that I was insensitive or wrong. I usually knew it as I was doing or saying it. If, for example, she had a fit and started an argument for no reason, I would be the one who apologized for getting upset. I don’t recall ever receiving a simple apology from her – even when I asked for one – when that is all that it would have taken to resolve an issue. Thank you for this very timely piece.
Hi ST,
Thank you for your post, and it is wonderful that you have admitted that you have an ego. Most successful, intelligent people do have ego issues.
Truly the deal for everyone is dissolving our ego, letting go of control, expectations, judgements, indignations and the illusions of separation, fear, me versus you, and all the painful stories about ourself, others and life that the ego (pain body) constantly manufactures.
When we take responsibility, be accountable and accept ourselves warts and all (which always begins with humility) we come a long way along the path of dissolving our ego – knowing that is does not serve love, it is fear and not love, and it is never real or authentic. It is a fabricated self trying to appear ‘perfect’ and creating unreasonable conditional love for ourselves. When we don’t believe we are good enough, then we will always project these parts on to others and blame them for ‘ourself’
It is great that you are self reflecting and on your way to establishing your authentic true self of love, which egoic programs by their very nature can’t achieve.
Mel xo
Melanie! So very eeeeerie how you read my mind! Thank you so very very much…. I have been wondering if I attracted my “mirror” and have more than a few common characteristics of the Narcissist….flaming codependency yes yes yes… that’s me… thank you for answering my deepest fears that I couldn’t admit out loud to a n y one…..I have at least stopped the “euphoric remembrance” and know that you mention recovery from addiction… as a love addict…and now with the Narcissit most likely a fantasy addict….coming to terms with my own insanity…I accepted the “essence of a crumb” at the banquet of life… thank you for your help and support…(you always know our nagging fears and doubts..without you I would still be a ball of self hating snot…your blog, love talk radio and books saved my life.. I am alive because of your work… I have 4 children plus me who are grateful Mel…it seems so little to say… thank you.
Hi Donna,
Thank you for your post, and you are so very welcome.
I am so happy that my material and work has helped you and your children, and you have been able to claim your life back!
Big hugs and love
Mel xo
I have been out for 3 months, my husband has for the most part left me alone, we still run our business together, see him every few days at work. During Thanksgiving break, i did hear from others of his narcissist behavior with his side of the family and with our son. But is it possible for him to leave me alone for this long? He really confuses me. I know he has told others that he is going to win me back. After 20 years with him i have nothing in my heart for him, can he be just playing me, if he is true narcissist, which i believe he is (or some other personality disorder, like BPD) stop his behavior towards me for this long? Any advice from you I would appreciate. I thank God everyday for the peace and joy i feel being away from him and serving others instead of him.
Hi Nancy,
Narcissists tend to what will hurt and confuse you the most. If he believes not contacting you will push on your unhealed parts that is exactly what he will do.
What you need to do is heal, discover what it is about what he is or isn’t doing that is triggering you, and close up those wounds.
Then you will be able to create boundaries that say ‘no more I’m honoring me’ if he does try to make waves.
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
Thanks Mel, i have healed so much already over these 3 months… what he does or doesn’t do really does not effect me like it use to. I am finding joy and great comfort in my new life. I will not, could not go back to the old life.
Hi Mel
Thank you for this post. I have been wondering about this for a while and it was exactly what I needed to hear. But I’m still stuck. Why am I still focussing on the ‘what could have/should have/might have been’ when I was hurt so much? I still swing from intense anger to tears of pain even after six months. I’m still codependent on someone who couldn’t care less about me – am I mad?
There is no contact from him, that’s part of my punishment, but I still try to get answers. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stay rooted in my belief that this person is not a good person? Why can’t I get rid of photos and emails? I feel so stuck. I think I’m doing ok and then something triggers a memory and I’m off again. This is why I thought I was the narc because I thought I was trying to get ‘supply’, although I don’t do it by being selfish, devious and uncaring. My natural personality is to be kind and helpful and giving; I gave, he took – everything. I’m just needy I guess.
I feel so stuck – but at least I know I’m not a narc, just codependent – not that that’s much of a blessing either. I hate the fact that he was so nice to me in the beginning because my mind wants to hang on to those memories and really I just want to be free.
Sonia
Hi Sonia,
You are very welcome. What you are going through is all the normal anguishing symptoms of narc abuse.
Your answer to get out of this torment is rarely logical. Your liberation from this will come when you commit to healing, your unhealed parts which led you into a relationship with a narcissist and are still playing out and making you feel like you are still emotionally hooked.
Now that you know you are not a narc, truly there is a way forward.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel.
How does one commit oneself to healing? I thought I had already done that ages ago…but it seems not? Sigh!
Sonia xx
Hi Sonia,
I can relate as can many people in that we had thought we had done the work!
Have you looked at NARP? It is specifically created to address Inner Identity healing. To the right of the blog is the details. You can read there what other people have achieved on the program.
Mel xo
I don’t know. I became someone I can’t recognize, or know, or accept – but somewhere deep down it hurts because I might just be that …person. Yet, another side of myself, just won’t accept that I could be that person. Denial, perhaps. Malicious? How far does that go, really?! Intentionally being malicious is a different story – For a while now, I had to search more about narcissim and the more I find the more I feel I know nothing, and I reach no concrete conclusion. One minute I am positive I am okay ( as best I can be) – the next minute everything falls apart. Confused again. I don’t believe I am a good person, nor a bad one – however, if I were to balance it, I go towards the bad one more. I don’t know if this will posted, or if it will, I might look ..who knows how, but I am just trying to find some clarity here – because, I am going crazy and I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Thank you, Melanie Tonia Evans – for letting me speak my mind
It is like you are a mind reader every stage of healing you address, thank you x
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for your post, and you are very welcome.
Mel xo
Brilliant timing as always but im still questioning whether its me or him today because of something that happened yesterday which has set me off again. He beat me quite severly 5 months ago – i took 3 months to report it but was too scared until i managed to get him to leave 2 months ago. For the first time in years i have felt calm, even tranquil sometimes, i dont care whether people leave stuff around the house, whether the washing up is done, my friends say im back to me again and even my voice has changed back to how it was – however yesterday the police told me that they couldnt charge him because even though they have photos of the bruises, hospital records that back my story up, texts where he states he ‘belted me’ there needs to be evidence beyond reasonable doubt that my bruises werent caused by his self defence and in a criminal court he has to be proved guilty and is innocent until that happens. Since hearing this ive felt out of control – i want to text him, email him, go to see him, show everyone the photos, go and inform his sister of what really happened and am so distraught that after waiting months not retaliating when hes telling everyone im crazy/mental/vindictivbe etc etc etc i now actually feel that i want to be vindictive and i do feel crazy and out of control again – just how i did when he used to do the things he did within the relationship. Its not about winning or losing but i just feel that hes gotten away with it AGAIN and where does that leave me. Is it me who is the Narc? im feeling so angry/tearful/sick with all these feeling inside me that i dont know what to do with them but i do want to do something to hurt him .. not physically but destroy his friendships/family relationships by telling them the true version – i just thought that the courts would do that and theyve let me down.
Hi Sally,
Truly it is perfectly understandable whatbyoubare feeling. That would feel like a huge injustice totally.
You poor thing, retaliating unfortunately will only draw you into the narc muck again.
Sweetie you need to heal and release this pain, and then truly you will get up to an even higher level of feeling good than you were previously – even though it doesn’t feel like that right now.
Hugs,
Mel xo
I’m Not the Narcissist
Yay Jody,
That is a great thing,
Mel xo
thank you melanie,
Hi Mira,
You are very welcome,
Mel xo
Thank you so much for your blog. I have been with my husband for 11 years now, and it has been good and bad. As is typical with a narcissist, he swept me off my feet with kindness and outpouring of love and romance. I had 3 children when we met, and we have 1 together now. My kids have been through hell with us through the years, but in all honesty I’m scared to leave him. I’ve tried twice to leave, and the first time he stalked me, even with a restraining order, and the 2nd he tried to kill me when I was leaving work. He is very crude and vulgar when he speaks to me in front of others, but then at other times he can be the most loving man in the world. I know he is a narcissist. I mentioned to him that maybe we could go see someone about it, and he did some research and told me that he wasn’t the narcissist..I was. I know that I am not a narcissist. I have empathy. I have feelings. I feel love. I am human. I want out of this so bad, but I have no where to go. We would be homeless, and have nothing. But then maybe happiness and freedom is worth that? I don’t know what to do….
Hi Amy,
You are very welcome.
Yes you are in a difficult situation but many people have been where you are and got out please know that it is possible.
What you need is support, you need people around you, somewhere to go and the right protection and advice. Please reach out and go and see a domestic violence officer and tell them about your fears. They are trained to assist situations like yours and present you options.
Love and safety
Mel xo
I once told a friend that as a co-dependent seeing an N was like a moth to a flame, I knew I was going to get burned but couldn’t help trying to see if I could avoid it. No matter how strong you are or how hard you try each time you get a bit closer the flame gets higher. Just as a moth will die if it gets too close so too can the co-dependent unless they learn how to heal themselves.A lack of conscience and empathy are clear signs that a person cannot engage in a reciprocal, fulfilling relationship. I’d also like to add ‘the ability to take responsibility’ to the other 2.whilst an N is unable to do so the co-dependent is likely to take responsibilty not just for themselves but the N too. I certaiinly found for myself I had several encounters that clearly wwere crying out for me to take more care of myself but I ignored them all until eventually the N came along to show me if I didn’t I too would be lucky to escape with just singed wings. I was very lucky that’s all I suffered but the gift of finally giving to myself, to make difficult choices and changes was the most valuable lesson I have learned.
I wish everyone who has had these encounters to look for the gift in their experience no matter how hard that may seem so they can emerge a freer and much more self assured person who knows their value and worth and can recognise what real love is.
For everyone who has been touched by these people your courage, joy and strength is what these people wanted from you and what paradoxically enabled you to stay. You can change that courage and strength around so that you give it back to yourself and reclaim/regain you power. That is surely a gift…
xx
Hi Carrie,
Thank you for your post and your depiction of the dance between the codependent and the narcissist is very accurate.
What a lovely inspirational,post, thank you for sharing 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you for this blog post. This is a question I’ve also wondered about and this after having been in recovery mode for ten years. I have only been going through your program for about a month, however, and even though the other methods have provided small amounts of healing, nothing else has brought me back to myself. Thanks!
Hi Amy,
Thank you for your post.
I am so pleased you are finding the way back to you 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I am the one who sent you the statement explaining that I thought a Narcissist was like a robot a while back. You asked me if you could use it. I never heard anything back from you. I hope you will send that article to me some day. I have been healing ever since and it is still very hard at times.
What I have realized and learned from you and your web site (Which by the way I am very grateful to you for and your help)about all of this painful experience is that even though I did not cause my ex to be and suffer from her NPD, that I was not responsible for her behavior for the most part, is that we do not accept responsibilty for another persons inresponsible actions. We should not try to control anyones behavior because they refuse to do this on their own. I think most of us do not do this intentually, its just slowly over time we get sucked into it because we are trying to help more then we are trying to be control freaks.
I am now aware of this unconsious controling and I no longer step in their place to do this. I lovingly point out their responsibilty; their accountabilty for their behavior and actions. If they accept then that is great, if they dont then I have set already in placed boundries to protect and love myself when someone I love is not being responsible enough to love me back.
I am no longer with my ex, I divorced her.
But now I have found someone I love very much and that is myself, but not in a narcissistic way, just in a healthy way. I will never abandon myself again.
Thank you for all that you do.
Eric
Hi Eric,
I am so sorry I receive so much correspondence and it may have been passed on to my team for consideration.
Could you possibly send it again?
This is so wonderful that you have empowered yourself, have great loving boundaries and a healthy healthy relationship now.
A wonderful success story 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melonie
Thanks a lot for the post, and your lovely website. I have been following your advice for about a month now. I have been focusing on myself and becoming the creator of my own happiness. I don’t know how to explain this, but the outside circumstances are changing automatically as my self confidence increases. The N is longer able to get at me. I am able to maintain my equilibrium even when the N tries to put me down in front of others (most of the time that is). I understand the essence of the Energy law you are talking about, and I am staying focused on that. It really helps. Just by changing my thoughts, the others things are getting taken care of by themselves.
Thank you very much once again.
Hi Nikki,
You are very welcome.
I am so glad my material has been able to help you. Yes energy is where it is all going on 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel
the fact of this matter, is i am not the Narc. i have rebelled for sure, and been very defensive, but ultimately that was me trying to lay my boundaries to unacceptable behavior, in childhood, in teenage years and in adulthood.
The fact of the matter I now deal with is that I have come face to face with the problem that I have always only offered myself unhealthy relationships, and I now have the opportunity to resolve that, thanks to you and your program of energetic healing. so it doesn’t matter if they are or are not Narc’s the point is, if i am always being true to myself, wholeheartedly and without fear of anything, then everything should be fine.
I am unlocking my beautiful caring qualities and my freedom to be me full of self esteem and self confidence with humility and self respect, day by day, and one by one, the bricks in the walls built up so very strong around me shall crumble away for good this time. My life is shorter by the minute, and it is my life for me. I am a very good person who never harms or means to be hurtful in defense. Live alot of love
Hi NTN
Thank you for your post.
That is great that you are working on you and creating massive shifts.
Thank you for your share and well done!
Mel xo
Wow.
I have never been on your site, and I am very happy to have found you and the wonderful people who are so honest and struggle with this debilitating issue.
My core has been broken.
I am not a Narcissist,I have the ability to feel empathey for others and I have a conscience, I care about others.
I realize now, after spending time extracting the knowledge on this site, that I used to rationalize her destroying my spirit as “she’s just getting it out of her system” instead of seeing that she wasn’t. She was rebuilding her system. It’s making me understand which makes me realize my decision to bolt was the right one. This website has made this one of the easiest heartbreaks I’ve ever dealt with. I’m continuously taking my feelings, understanding them, and blessing them. I think I’ve already worked through the hardest part. I can’t thank you enough Melanie.
Melanie,
Your recovery program has BY FAR been the most helpful thing I have learned. I can feel when I am clear, and when I am not. Before I was just never clear at all since I can remember. Thank you for your work.
I very much appreciate your work Melanie, and would like to see you cover different kinds of narcissistic relationships, not just couples. My father is a narcissist, and so is my ex-husband who I have two children with. The idea of no contact is not always possible when family or children are involved. I have also worked with a sociopathic narcissist boss. Sometimes narcissism has to be managed, and cannot be walked away from.
Also while narcissists do operate in similar ways, they can behave quite differently. Some are covert (closet narcissists). I didn’t see the rage and hatred of my ex-husband until I left when he went into a spiral of narcissistic injury. Some highly functioning narcissists are actually quite subtle and can be hard to spot – it is after all a spectrum disorder. So I guess, I would like to see you address some of these issues. And again, I would like to say, that I think your work is great and necessary.
Hi Julie, poking my head around the corner to say a quick hi 🙂
FYI Mel has addressed narcissism in its entirety within her articles and does not just focus on ‘love relationships’ not at all. The disorder stems right back to our parents and DNA where we choose our partners in some cases based on what we didn’t get or have from one of our parents. My father was a narcissist, extreme high end abuser (not physical) but enough to drive my mother away as advised by his psychiatrist who said he couldn’t be helped. I was two when mum left him. My last relationship was with a man who ‘mirrored’ my father and he had what I didn’t get from my father. I know I am not a narc as it is learned behaviour favouring the male moreso than females who are prone to become ‘borderlinePD).
In my opinion and from my insight into narcissism, ‘managing a narc, a true NPD is impossible unless you want to end up with nothing of yourself left and a shell.
Mel has covered this as well.
Modified contact is possible when kids are involved.
I hope you find your answers and the answers for me were inside me, in that I was co-creating the abuse.
Mel covers much more than just ‘couples’ and I hope you find the answers. ((Hug))
Thank you so much for that. This is what I needed to read so much right now. I have thought that my partner was a narcissist since the beginning of the relationship. I was only 2 months out of a relationship with a sociopath, and my current partner wouldn’t leave me alone despite my repeated telling him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and had a lot of healing to do after being with a sociopath. He claimed he wanted to help. Even in that moment when he said it, there was a flash in my mind, “Right. You mean I am an easy target!” I’ve been reading up a LOT on narcissism and every time I was always questioning if I am the narcissist. This constant self-doubt kept me in a stand-still where I wouldn’t allow myself to move forward, because I kept thinking that maybe I needed to take the blame and be accountable. It never let me see myself as someone who deserved love–from within, as you say–because I was always focusing on the possibility that I might be the bad guy who needs to shape up and be nicer. This internal thinking has led me to becoming more of a doormat to him. I never allowed myself to call blatant abuse what it is for fear that I was somehow the one at fault.
Thank you thank you thank you. I needed something to click into place so I could move on to the next step. If I am not the narcissist, then I can finally start to deal with healing.
I am going to hold on to this clarity and try to propel myself forward into the next step of healing. I am so happy to have found this site. After a psychologist told me I am “severely diseased” and would need to be on medication forever (I have C-PTSD and agoraphobia as well) I was so defeated. I felt that not even a professional was going to help me. I am absolutely committed to learning from people who have been there (you and other survivors…errr thrivers) to learn what the psychologist couldn’t help me learn.
My best friend keeps telling me I need to learn how to be selfish. That just sounds so selfish to me!!! But after listening to all the nonsense coming out of my partner’s mouth about how sick, deluded, and nuts I am, maybe I should listen to my best friend for a change, huh!
🙂 Thank you so much.
In my above post I meant to clarify ‘I am not a narc because I feel empathy, sympathy and care a lot about people’. Narcs don’t have the brain wiring to posess empathy, they can only learn the emotions needed to feel genuine empathy from others. Like an actor in a movie, rehearsed and copied so well, it is difficult to know what is real with them, They make brilliant actors. You know without a doubt when you know what to look for. Listen to and feel the uneasiness in your stomach, it is trying to tell you something. I am pleased to say I am not a narc.
I want to clarify that the red flags I saw this man displaying were not the flags of narcissism or PD disorders but more socially acceptable modern male dateing courting behaiviors that I find a bit brash and cause me to become taken aback some. I am getting older and I am old fashion. I never thought I would say that. My other intuition was that I knew that this “relationship” would be painful because I was going to be dealing with my dysfunctional issues. No one wants to agree to change because it can hurt. Relationships require personal inner change. Like pulling a soul splinter. My intuition knew I was in for hurt. But I survived. I am moving in a good direction in not attracting a “bad guy” narcissist or PD this time. When I point out a dysfunction in another I am pointing out their human “ness”. I was never able to say without malice to a man “these are your “issues”. I can now because he is a genuinely good man.
Hi RA,
this truly is about honouring yourself, it is about being emotionally authentic – and if you feel that something is ‘off’ being able to own and express that feeling and seeing if something forthcoming is respectful and can meet you at that level of emotional authenticity…
People who are non-narcs who do have a healthy sense of self will respect thta nd create win / win with that. If someone is projecting on to you, and can’t hear – “I am solid in my truth, and that is your stuff’…then they are not willing to take self-responsibility, and / or can’t have empathy for you in order to create win / win….
It’s very important to know what is or is not your ‘stuff’…honouring yourself and being emotionally honest allows you to clear that up – and allows you to draw people who are highly emotionally co-operative (more of you).
Mel xo
Melanie, you just get better and better, and your`e doing so much wonderful healing work, it`s incredible. You`ve helped me, and now you`re helping me help my friends and I just can`t thank you enough. This has been probably the happiest and certainly the most productive year of my life, thanks to you (and that nasty slimy son-of-a-bitch bastard I can`t quite bring myself to forgive).
Happy Christmas, happy new year, may all you wish for yourself come to be, please stay what you are, which is “wonderful”.
Love
Jane
I didnt mean to post on this blog with my full name. But since I have I mind as well go full on. This good guy I met I am finding really is a good guy and the “major” issues I find with him are not him but actually my issues and his responses to my maladaptions. There really are well adjusted good men out there with simply human issues. Not what I have grown accustomed too. But it is what I want now. I also have to Thank Melanie. Despite my years and years (2 decades) of personal work with all kinds of healing methods and therapies and work on myself. She tapped into a method that is Magical. I am processing at lightening speed very major blocks to my innerself and true healing that I wanted to heal before but not one method had that Magic key. When I became unemployed I had an option to take this time to really work on personal growth like never before. I finally had time and money saved. Because I had spent years and years in college and working. I had buried issues that I simply had no time or energy to truley process. I am glad I did not give up that all my years of personal work were waiting for this method or understanding. I access you tube and read and re read her material. I cry at night with suffering sometimes because I have opened old buried wounds that need to be released. I hope for a better and happier year and my hopes are on this great guy. Time will tell. No job and lots of innerwork. Painful. Tedious. But the pay off immeasurabley good. I realized as a Massage Therapist/Reflexologist I could not help my own clients any further without helping me. Merry Christmas and Thanks Melanie. I am so used to diagnosing my clients in my mind to try and help them that I do that to partners. Love interests. Very helpful and not helpful because I dont want to have my work carry over my private life. As the song goes…It’s My Turn. I am a healer by nature but …Its really my turn too.
Melanie,
I want to thank you for taking my hands in this painful jouney toward freedom and self discovery. I have read tons of books, website, blogs about narcisist and “victims”, but none is so releaving and “hands-on” helpful like yours. If I can make it is also thanks to you. Lovexx
Happy Holidays… I have had the most spectacular BreakThrough this week, I feel WHOLE again… my Loving, open and honest nature feels no pain, sadness or suffering and largely due to discovering you and your amazing information… Thank you for my healing as I have always had the self love and personal inner strength… I just did not know that people could be so cruel and I trusted my heart to a narcissist and I enabled him to rip it to shreads… but I have completely detatched and can have empathy for him… as he will never know what he is missing…Narcissism…What was THAT?.m4a
great info im trying so hard to keep sane this narc im with has me locked into a bussiness that i am trying to sell he also has an ex that he trys to make me jealeous of he has children to her says its all about the kids i think he plays her to i hav never been so confused .angry and frustrated in my life if it wasnt for these articles i would probably blame me but i know deep down im loving and kind but he throws all the blame at me but im finally thanks to this information seeing through him so il keepreading and hopefully sell soon thankyou for my sanity
My narc discarded me 2 months ago on halloeen I did not bad for about 1 month I was either in total denial or shocked numb now I have gone backwards I can’t eat have lost weight and all interest in life I try to do the sessions but its like I have a block and can’t get through them I am trembling and feel totally incapacitated what can I do I do not want to go on drugs but I am feeling like I cannot cope anymore
Recently niece 16, was returned to my sister her Aunt,after Aunt packed her bags dropped her at our front door and insisted she would never come back. I am sick, as while my niece was with us we discovered that (not clinically diagnosed)Auntie has classic NPD, my question is how do we support my niece I feel as if I returned her to the lions den, she is supposed to get counciling, is it a blessing she knows at her age? I basically told her to plan her escape she gets a financial benifit when she turns 18. Niece is in line for a scholarship for her soccer and Aunt is purposing to thwart her effeorts, I hate to see that happen it would truly be a travesty. How to protect and encourage a minor in the throws of this insedious predicament? Thanks for listening, Cara
I was so happy to read this post. Our “circular” fights that seemed to go on and on forever, and his outrageous statements to me and to my kids got me searching on the internet to see what was up with him, because I knew it wasn’t normal. We are from 2 different cultures, but I knew it was more than just those differences that was causing me to seethe with anger when he would speak arrogantly and flippantly about me, my family, or just others in the general public, or do things that were extremely disrespectful without batting an eye. I came upon narcissism, and all of the criteria rang true of his actions. Now that I am reading more on your blog, I am learning so much more, and realizing that it is definitely a disorder. I often would tell myself “Next time, I won’t be dragged into the stupid bickering he seems to thrive on…” but I would be so furious at his outrageous comments, and thought processes, I could not help but try to set him straight. Afterall, I was thinking I would have to live my whole life with this nonsense, so I should stick up for my values and rights as a human being, should I not? Now I know there is no other strategy to use other than no contact. Anything else just fuels the reason why they do what they do. And yes, one of the things he loved to do to me was try to humiliate me with the mistakes of my past, the sore spots I still feel guilty about, my short-comings, my insecurities…etc…and if I raised the narcissism issue, “No”, he would say, “It’s you, not me.” I am so relieved to read that this is normal for narcissists, and no, it really isn’t us. Further, cutting off contact cuts off the opportunity for him to point out that we are the “crazy one” when we get so angry we lose our cool. Thanks so much, and keep posting more info. It’s so valuable.
I have a question, Melanie. How do you suggest handling a narcissist father and his interaction with his kids? Right now, our break up is fresh, and I’m sure you can imagine all the mudslinging going on. Of course, in true form, he’s claiming more ownership of the kids, rather than taking into account their best interests. What do I do about this?
I was about to type my story…..but i decided mid way to erase it and start again-i am in the midst of awakening….and i had mistaken my drive to inquire into self as possible narcissistic qualities because i am thinking of ME by seeing a psychologist, going to healing’s and attending meditation. This is uncomfortable for me-and i am so used to wearing the burdeon of my marriages failure-and chasing fixing it so he knows i am a good person that to deny it was ALL my fault and that i am a monster as my ex (i have only just started calling him this)so often tells me is very unfamiliar to me. I still feel selfish but i am working on the realisation that to pour effort into myself does not make me a bad person. I am in the early stages of NO CONTACT-my ex has thrown about 30 texts my way about how weak, controlling and cruel i am being and has threatened suicide-i fell for it last night only to have my concern thrown back in my face for doing what he asked me-he wanted help staying off drugs-but then told me i wasn’t a real friend because i didnt respond straight away to his numerous texts and phone calls. After taking him to the doctors but clarifying that we are not together i would just like to see him well he has sent me two texts saying “We would work if you realised i was the boss” and “See boss your way or no way” and “You do care you because you called someone to intervene you are just weak”. If i hadn’t of read this blog i would be ringing pleading with him that i am a good person and i want to help him……but the truth is “He is not my responsibility” I am my responsibility and we have a child-and i have not always put her needs before his (I feel terrible for this) which is my confirmation that i do possess empathy-not to mention i cry at world vision adverts. So as of NOW-i won’t be told i am a monster, i won’t be told i am pathetic, weak, a moron, a quitter, a control freak or that my words are cheap. Because my word to myself is that i will love myself enough to set boundaries-to not place expectations on any outcomes, to speak my mind clearly-which requires me to ask myself What do i actually want?? I have never asked myself that before-he has always accused me that everything is my way or the highway….i believed it for years-until one day i did nothing, i didnt leave the house, i didn’t study anymore, i didn’t even think i could write up a resume-look i only picked our daughter up from school, i had no friends because all of them were apparently out to get me and use me……My greatest achievement is moving back in with my mum and dad with our daughter and resuming my studies and getting help-i am not there yet, but the journey to discovering my new world-one that isn’t dominated by fear is so liberating and exciting….am i narcissistic? Its a question i have asked alot lately-especially when i ignore the phone calls and texts-I am just a woman who decided she didn’t want to be treated badly anymore….i still feel guilt and i still have bad days-but i have hope now. Thank you so so much Melanie…all you information has been literally life saving to me xxx
I have just recently been the victiim of my partner’s (what I now know to be) an narcisistic rage. It took a massive display of uncontrolled rage that left me pysically and emotionally damaged……but which finally set me free . In that new and strange land of self discovery I did ask myself the question, is it him or is it me….am I the Narcississ? i angsted about that for a couple of weeks before the faiths interveened and I was led to your blog and specifcally to this particular post. That discoverr was not only was a huge revelation….but may even of saved my life. Tto say thank you and God Bless …doesnt seem to convey the dept of my feeling,,,but I know that you will understand ….for we are all survivors of of the same illness that up unitl now I didnt even know I was cabable of attracting much less murture . Thank you ….
I spent 30 years in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder. I read this article.
I think part of healing involves a bit of research and when awarness of what has happenned improves, so to the chance of a peaceful life. I researched more then most people would ever do. I work a lot of night shifts and when things are quiet I read and research. I am at peace now because of it and must say i dont do much these days.
I say here with all honesty, the information you give is the very best i have seen. There is so much out there and much of it is far too complex, clinical and often rediculous.
The insistance that one muct focus on the true self rather then past wrongs of an abuser is also rare and essential.
The fact that Narcissists actually hate the self and love the person thaey are pretending to be is a fact that goes missing in many sites. So to the reality that we are attracted to abusers because we deny parts of our own true self is also vital truth. This truth is more important then we might realise. This realisation is vital if we are to establish a relationship with a well balanced partner in the future.
Just as we find a mal adjusted personality(eg NPD) attractive when we are in denial of certain self issues, we will find a well adjusted ideal person difficult to love if we fail to deal with these issues.
I would like to know your views on this point I raise. I now have a wonderful relationship with a fabulous complete and truely sensitive lady. But at first my denial of many aspects of myself made me blind to much of the things i now see and find so wonderful. We worked through many things and each day we grew together into a complete intimacy based on true love of the self.
I find now that it is difficult for me to look back and see much of what was so bad in that previous life. I think of her and struggle to recall the intensity of the stress or feel the depth of the pain. i understand why this is so. I can see the facts and shake my head at the rediculous things that were done to me and the mind twisting that happenned. But I no longer dwell on these things or seek people to talk to and tell about these things. This used to be a frequent struggle to find someone who could understand.
Could you please make my posts annonymous
Hi Mel
I found your page yesterday morning and was laughing and crying at the same time! I suspected my now ex partner was a narcissist for a long time but was confused wondering if he’s just plain abusive, cruel or had some kind of mental health issue. Now I know for sure. At times I have doubted myself as he repeated told me that I was the bad person in the relationship and that I told lies, twisted things and told lies which left me in utter turmoil but I know for a fact I am not the narcissist no matter what he says. I can’t do enough for people, him included although obviously it was rarely appreciated. I was always racking my brain to try and understand why and how anyone could be so horrible and not think of all the things I have done to make their life a better place. I seriously bent over backwards and I have said to him and many others that I felt I had lost my personality whilst being with him trying to morph myself into this person he wanted me to be. I am 4 months pregnant with my first child and the narc ended the relationship as I wouldn’t have an abortion. He is already a father to two grown up girls and they state he has been a fantastic but distant dad. He parted with their mother quite early on, blaming her to me, but I would imagine he treated her similar to me if not worse. He says he wants nothing to do with me or the child and at present I am exercising no contact although this is quite difficult as we both live in the same little village and frequent the same places. I don’t know how to proceed once the baby comes. He has damaged me so badly that I really don’t want him in my life at all but I don’t want to deny my child the opportunity of knowing their father. If I wasn’t 39 I possibly would have considered terminating the pregnancy so I could be truly free of this man but its not a route I have ever wanted to go down. I am about to buy your healing cd’s – I am having trouble downloading the ebooks which is a pain but I found your two free mp3’s very very helpful/ Can you or any other bloggers offer me any advices please??
Love and Light
Kate
Kate, I just wanted to say I feel for you, as I am only now (as in today) truly starting to understand my husband’s NPD issues (we separated six months ago), my own co-dependence, and I am looking towards another 12 years of co-parenting with him. Honestly I am wondering just how I am going to manage that while recovering my mental/emotional health!! I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice for you, but having finally had my daughter at 43, and now struggling with the reality of co-parenting with a NP (which frankly means bearing the total responsibility of parenting on your own, only harder), I can tell you I would not change it for the world. My daughter is the most beautiful and precious being that ever came into my life. She is the one precious gift that has come from this relationship. Your child will be the same.
I really do understand that you don’t want to deny your child a father, and I am not about to suggest you do so, but I will say two things. One: it is very difficult co-parenting with a personality like this, even when you are married to them. I felt from the first moments of caring for my child that my husband would not let me ‘be’ a mother, he challenged me all the time, almost destroyed my trust in my own instincts, he always believed his way was better, he took stupid risks with her safety and would then argue I was being neurotic and overly protective (ie: why do I have to hold her hand while we walk beside a busy road? she was two at the time). He created a massive amount of stress in the early years of her life, and he tapped into every insecurity I had about being a good mother. And I can say with confidence now, even in the throes of depression and dealing with this miserable separation, I am a good mother and I have very good maternal instincts.
My second point is something a counsellor/energy healer said to me: Yes, children need a stable, loving parent in their lives, but they don’t absolutely need two parents. Did you ever think maybe you are enough for her? This really helped me because no, I had not thought that maybe I was enough. I agonised over leaving the marriage because I felt I was taking her father away. He has taken jobs that involve a lot of travel, so he is gone a lot of the time anyway, and he is about to take a job in the US so he will rarely see her. So anyway, just some thoughts to ponder. Blessings to you. Teena
I am not a narcissist.
What I am is a person who was raised by narcissistic parents, then had an 18-year relationship with a narcissist, and most recently has realized that aside from the typical low self-esteem that kids of narcs end up with, I have been crippling myself and my life with ***fear that I am a narcissist.*** I got accused of it, but also was terrified of turning out like my mother.
So this post was very confirmatory and timely for me. I already knew through my own healing work that I wasn’t a narcissist (in fact, I asked a friend and she made exactly the same point as you at the outset: “If you were a narcissist you wouldn’t be worried about it”) — but it’s good to remind myself that the conscience and empathy are very solid.
Thanks also for the invitation to declare what is so important to me to declare. It feels very good.
Thanks for this article Melanie!! It is very clear and I can say with confidence yes, I definitely have a conscience and yes, I definitely have empathy!! My particular situation is I am struggling to free myself from the lifelong influence of a NP in my older sister (14 years older) – who sees herself as a mother to me, but has always insisted I am the one who views and treats her as my mother!! – and the past 16 years married to a NP. I have only very recently (in recent weeks) become clear that THIS is my major problem!! I had thought perhaps my husband had Asperger’s, and although he shows some signs of this syndrome, after reading up on NPD I really think this is his primary issue, although it is quite possible he has both!! I cannot say they have used the word ‘narcissistic’ towards me, but then again, I have never used the word myself. As I said, my awareness of NPD is very recent. For as long as I can remember my sister has told me I am “selfish, cold, clinical, uncaring, intellectually inferior (to her), lacking in taste, spiritually unconscious, inadequate, can’t quite cope, and perhaps more significantly, has insisted that she “knows” what I am feeling better than I do myself. She doesn’t say these things all the time, only when I have challenged her, tried to establish some boundaries etc. In the same vein (when I am angry about something he has done, or when I think he is being unreasonable) my husband has told me I “am no good at communicating with people, I always get my own way, I am dogmatic, controlling etc etc” My point being although I would not have used the word narcissistic, I have always been told I am “the problem”, by both of them. I have been blamed for the most insane things by my sister throughout my life, basically anything that she could not deal with emotionally she has found some way to blame me for (including choices made by her own adult children!!). As this blaming and scapegoating began in infancy for me, as much as a part of me would try to challenge the sense that there was something wrong with me, I took it on board pretty deeply, frequently second guessed myself, and have often felt maybe they are right. I can see now that yes, I do have “a problem”, but it’s not the issues they have projected onto me. My problem is low self esteem, poor boundaries, too trusting, and high susceptibility to any and all forms of manipulation!! My mother, though I don’t think narcissistic (??), was emotionally quite damaged before my birth, and because of this was neglectful (in an emotional sense). To add to my “problems”, in the course of my marriage I developed OCD symptoms (a lot of which I managed to release, but a few have stuck). I knew even at the time these symptoms were a direct response to feeling powerless and lacking control in my life, but I could not see (or perhaps it was too painful to see?) WHY I felt powerless. I tried to discuss these feelings with my husband, who invalidated my feelings and insisted “Well you’re not powerless”. Six months ago I finally bit the bullet and separated from my husband. Although I was not really aware of NPD at that time, I realised he was utterly self-focused, and I finally came to accept that he would not change. In fact, he saw nothing whatsoever wrong with his behaviour, he saw only areas in which he wanted me to change. The first few months were difficult but doable, but over the past 3 months I have second guessed myself over and over, and, in the way of ‘cosmic lessons’ I guess, I have been slammed by disrespectful, harsh and insensitive treatment coming from others as well, family members and people I considered my friends. Very recently I have reached a point where I feel seriously depressed. I started writing about an incident that happened just this afternoon, but I have deleted the details as I know you don’t want ‘stories’ of NPD insensitivity. Long story short, he wanted to meet up for coffee and the content of the ensuing conversation (involving another woman and how he wanted her to meet our daughter, my first awareness of this) threw me into a state of shock, so that I said: “No you do not involve her with someone you have just met” and walked out. My point being, it was finally slammed into me, in an excruciatingly painful way, that this is for real, I have given all my power away for years (to some degree my entire life) and that he (my sister too) is going to keep abusing and disrespecting and treating me as a doormat unless I get dead serious about healing myself, respecting myself, forgiving myself, and creating boundaries of steel!! It feels completely overwhelming right now, I feel emotionally shattered, drained and exhuasted, but your website and program are the one thing that has given me real hope that it can change, I can heal from this abuse, and I can become stronger and more loving and more powerful than I have ever been through this experience!! Big words and I lose my faith often, but I am here and seeing things clearly right now at least, finally!! I know this is very long, thanks for reading it . . .
This was one of the most helpful and insightful readings I have come across. Thank you.
I am sitting here now getting bombarded with texts telling me what a bad person I am. And, in the way she twists it, it looks logical if I stand from the outside. Somehow when I hear this from her, everything anyone else has ever told me goes out the window. I have been obsessively seeking if I am potentially the narcissist. If I could potentially unknowingly hurt someone.
One huge question I have…
Well, as one small example, when I was living with her, all I did was kindly mention the boogers from her kids on the wall that I was cleaning and wondered what we could do about it. She flew into a fit, telling me I am criticizing her parenting and that I see her as a bad mother and I went to being non-existent under the roof I lived in, completely ignored, as if I were part of the background scenery.
She at some point started convulsing in a fit on the floor, what looked like a seizure. She tells me that my criticisms (which were never criticisms, they were occurrences and feelings) are causing stress induced neurological disorder, which is making me question myself even more. Can perceived criticisms make them ill?
I am so confused.
This was so helpful to read! We have an 18 year old son who we believe has NPD. Everything I have read about NPD suggests that this had to come from one of us being a narcissist or being abusive in some manner. So I continue asking myself, “Am I a narcissist? Did I cause this?” It is so different from those who can divorce a narcissist spouse or put boundaries on a friend or colleague with NPD, but as a mother, it is goes against your instinct to take care of and want to help your child. I am relieved in reading the article that yes, I do definitely have a conscience and empathy!!
Thank you for your blog. It is difficult to find information on parenting a narcissist, but plenty on narcissistic parents!
Alison,
It’s been four years since you posted, and I also do not know if this site sends follow-up posts. But if you see this, did you ever find material on being the parent of a narc. child?
I’m in your shoes. What I found is that the urge to protect was so strong for so long (even though my son had moved from home and was an adult), that I let him berate and abuse me every which way to Sunday. I kept blaming myself for how he behaved, despite the fact that that self-blame did nothing to foster bridges between us. Trying to be “understanding” just about killed me in the long run–until I learned that how he was behaving had a name.
I would still like to understand my part in how he turned out, a whole lot better. I have gotten so far that I am an NPD enabler. I am also certain that his father is NPD. Beyond that, I would like to know more. Towards that end,
I wish a book would be written on parents who raised kids who became narc’s. I am thinking that there would be a great market for that. If I had the knowledge and experience to write such a book, I’d do so in a heartbeat. Like I said, I’m sure there are a lot of hurting, bewildered parents out there who end up stunned and paralyzed with grief over how a beloved child turned out.
Thanks, and be well. You are not alone.
I want to thank you for your post. I have been told for years that I was the one that caused all the problems. I was the reason for the breakdown in my marriage and that has had me second guessing myself as of late. I could go on for hours about the debacle that has ensued since my request for divorce (not to mention the embroiled custody battle I am in the midst of). I have joined several support groups and am learning how to reach out to others in same or similar situations. I have actually been told I should take my story out on the comedy circuit because it is that outrageous (mostly to pay my lawyers fees). But my question to you is this, I have two beautiful daughters and I love them with all of my heart and want to protect them and end the cycle of abuse. If I can’t prove that he has these tendencies in court how do I protect them? They are 6 and 8. Too young to be faced with something of this magnitude. I have been doing research on books by Thich Nhat Hanh about practicing mindfulness with children and meditation, but my issue is that he was awarded a one week on one week off split with the kids. We had a Judge that did not care about the best interest of the kids and was unaware that we are having behavioral problems with them. My 6 year old is self harming and my 8 year old is showing physical manifestation of stress. How do I create a sense of stability for them? I feel like when I get them home I go through 2-3 days of decompression, I try to get the routine set, keep them engaged in social activities and then I send them packing back to the dad. My time is essential for them to begin the healing process but every time is like starting all over. How does one deal with this?
Michele I feel for you. I have a six-year-old daughter too, so I understand how excruciating it must be to not be able to protect your girls in the way they need. My saving grace is my husband is so utterly self-centred he is taking a job overseas, where he has recently also lined up a girlfriend, and there is no way he would commit to shared parenting as it would interfere with his career plans, with his sailing and cycling and bridge playing and other social activities. I have long struggled with his selfishness over these things but seriously, I now I THANK GOD it has turned out this way!! I’m sorry I don’t have much advice to offer, but are your girls seeing a child psychologist? I know the whole court thing is miserable, but perhaps if the degree of psychological pain your girls are in (self harming is not a minor issue) was recognised and documented you could take this back to court and fight for full custody with visitation rights for their father? I don’t know the legalities of it, but get whatever professional advice you can. I have been told repeatedly that the Family Court in Australia is focused on the well being of the children (I have just moved back after living in the US for many years). Clearly your girls are struggling. How was the judge not made aware of their behavioral problems, that seems crazy!! Your best approach might be to try to convince the courts (with the support of professionals) that shared parenting is NOT in their best interests. Just because it is the theoretical ‘ideal’ does not mean it works for every family or for every child. Whether this approach works or not, for your own self-healing look into the ‘Abraham’ books by Esther & Jerry Hicks. ‘The Astonishing Power of Emotions’ is one I can recommend. I truly believe self love and self healing is key in all of this, especially because probably every single one of the women on this site has been involved with a selfish & damaged man, yet has been told repeatedly they are the problem. Tell someone this often enough and a part of them will come to believe it. Look to your own healing & balance not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your beautiful girls. Blessings to you
I do not have NPD! Thank you! Yes, that has been on my mind because, after 25 years with a narc, it is very true that I have done things I am ashamed of–pitched fits, lied, gossiped and complained, been toxically self-absorbed and acted self-destructively. But, the point is, I AM ashamed of them and have consciously worked to change. And, I do have empathy. I’m dripping with it, in fact. So much so that I bled for his wounds while ignoring how my own life force was being drained away.
And, no, I don’t need to go into the gory details. It’s eerie what a limited repertoire of behaviors narcs have. I think NPD dulls their creativity, as well as cutting them off from their emotions. However, it is my experience that a true narc has nothing but contempt for people who are “at the mercy of their emotions” and sees his or her own lack of empathy, remorse and imagination as a strength, not a flaw.
And, I do believe this experience is part of my Soul Recovery journey. My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been a tremendous teacher. I figure if I can survive so many years of so much crazy behavior and not go completely looney-tunes or die (though I did feel suicidal more than once) I must be a pretty strong person.
I am now using that strength to give myself permission to heal. It is HUGE for me to actually factor my own needs and (gasp) preferences into my decisions. I literally didn’t know I had a right to either for most of my life.
I do not believe that just anyone can be a victim of a narc. Though it is a comforting notion, it is not empowering since it implies that there is nothing any of us can do to keep from being victimized again.
For me, this doesn’t ring true. I wasn’t a random victim. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and drilled in the idea that I only existed to please her (which I never was able to do) and so was predisposed to, first of all, have no idea what a healthy give-and-take relationship looks like, and, second of all, to have such a deep hunger for outside validation that I was willing to put up with a whole lot of abuse to get just a little stroking.
Like Echo in the Narcissus myth, I had my voice taken away from me and, therefore, was more vulnerable to falling for my narc’s false perfection than someone less damaged. I know this is true because I am now healed enough to recognize and be repelled by narcissistic red flags, whereas, before, I was drawn in by them. (Example: I recently went out with a guy who claimed that I was the most wonderful woman he’d ever met after only a couple of dates. In the past, I would have been charmed that he was so enamored of me so quickly. Knowing what I know now, I found it off-putting–especially since he’d spent most of the time we were together talking about himself–and declined to see him again.)
Yes, a narcissist may be able to fool pretty much anyone for a while, but I believe that reasonably healthy people can see through him or her pretensions. All the nymphs thought Narcissus was hot, but Echo was the only one who yearned for his (non-existent) love so much that she faded away until she was completely disembodied–a familiar feeling to those of us who have fallen for a narcissist.
It’s my choice whether to continue telling myself I was an innocent victim or admit my complicity in my victimization and do the work needed to heal my inner Echo. I choose to heal.
This is SO true. I am remarried to a remarkable wan, but my first wife has borderline and my father is narcissistic. I don’t think I would have seen the full reality about my dad without the years it took me to accept the reality about her (and protecting our sons from it, a boundary for once). But I knew I was the common denominator! I knew I had made so many mistakes, and yet if they had so much power over me- then what? I regressed and tried to find my voice, but that ‘felt’ like becoming my father. I took it too far, at times, but I needed to hear that I was both right and wrong. There ARE these problems that I have felt in myself and that allowed/attracted destructive people and self-destructive behavior. But they AREN’T those key characteristics mentioned! I can heal and nourish even an almost extinguished ‘soul,’ but was SO afraid I was a Cassandra (doomed to be a demi-narcissist who would feel the guilt and pain inflicted without the ability to stop it). My greatest fear has become my ‘salvation,’ because though it is only a dim spark now (injured and weak)… It is the spark of the very love and empathy that is my soul and I can fan and fuel it with acceptance and compassion. I will let it grow into a fire which will warm the people around me, and I can pass that spark to my children if they see it in my wife and in me…end the cycles by finding what is weak in ME and doing soul ‘weight lifting’ to strengthen it. My sons can ‘echo’ inner strength and understanding that they are and can be their own self; no one can take that without you allowing it.
I have hurt my family and friends, done things I knew were wrong…over and over. I have lived with a self-hate and feeling of being ‘broken’ for 32 years, and for 32 years I have had ups and downs…but always prove myself right and break myself and those around me. I recently realized what I know I must have somehow always known (as an adult): my father is textbook narcissist. As I came to see this fully, I knew what I needed to do to recover…but the overwhelming guilt and shame and dissociation I felt, the behaviors like my father, all of it came to a head to this night/morning on the birthday of my best friend who committed suicide. Repressed emotions have had me in years, and talking to my wife, I came to ask the most terrifying question haunting me: I searched the web, “am I becoming a narcissist?” Your article made me cry too, but out of an intensely deep relief. Thank you for helping me see that I haven’t just created a ‘make-belief’ soul which is revealed as false because of a single selfish thought or action. I feel so lost and…that’s ok I guess. It doesn’t mean I’m not here, but really it means the opposite doesn’t it? That’s what I ‘heard’ in your words and it means there IS hope and ‘I’ can accept AND move forward. Thank you for this. I hope others in ‘this place’ will find your article…and it should be the first search result for any narcissist search. Thank you. Time for some personal accountability and courage to take the next steps.
I have a question: if you don’t have empathy (or don’t think you do, because what if you can’t tell for sure or don’t know how to tell), can you acquire it? I’m afraid I don’t, and I don’t want to be a narcissist. But at the same time, I recognize that not wanting to be a narcissist is still selfish and narcissistic: the focus is still on me.
Is there any hope or way of changing, or am I just basically evil and have to accept that I’ll never care about people or have a connection with them?
Hi MG,
At Soul level, you do have empathy, reverence and Oneness…it is your ‘natural’ state. Narcissism is the condition from being disconnected from that.
IF you really do want that, and if you do wan to heal then it is about healing and getting free from the fear, pain and trauma that has disconnected you from ‘yourself’ your Soul.Then your ‘natural’ state will start flowing in to you again. If you want it and are willing to work hard for it – it is possible. But it would need to be a dedicated focus and goal.
You have suffered trauma and more than likely abuse – that is why you are how you are – and more than likely from a (or more than one) narcissistic models.
The answer to deeply inwardly heal is NARP.
Mel xo
I have been struggling for several years after my break up to even define what I went through. It was very difficult for me to even admit I was a victim. I have done plenty of soul searching and one heck of a roller coaster which I now see is normal for the kind of man I was with. I am working on my co dependent issues and putting myself first. It’s difficult. However I would like to know if there is any advice in dealing with the man as the father of my children. I don’t have contact with him but his kids do for the occasional visit and semi weekly phone calls. How can you help children deal with the personality of a Narcissistic Dad? I spent most of their lives putting him on a pedestal. Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks so much for this blog.
Suz
I’m a narcissist please kill me 🙁
Asking questions are really nice thing if you are not understanding anything fully,
except this post provides good understanding even.
Hi Mel. I am not a narcissist! Your word are so true…many tears were flowing down my cheeks as I red you. Tears of truth about self, tears of relief, tears of blame toward self…Thank you Melanie. Melanie
I enjoyed this post for the reason you gave insight as to how one may become a Narcissist. I knew the signs and the behavioral patterns, but I need to know why?
I knew I wasn’t the narc, but slowly figured out my husband is, but because of how much I did love him when we met and got married, his change in behavior towards me was shocking. Although I can’t say I love him anymore, I want to understand how this behavior came to be (and based on your article, it makes complete sense and validated my beliefs).
As we have a young child, understanding the “why” can help me be prepared for any narcissist actions he may take towards my child and how to manage our now disconnected family.
Thank you!
You said it all. Thank you. I needed to cry. Boy, what a harnessed release of exceptence. (word) Now it’s time to shower off the co depent oder and walk with me. And radiate with experience. One step at a time. Oh, just one more thing. What’s with the laws of attraction to the paranormal? Good, bad and ugly. But living with two narcissis sure makes dealing with them simple. At least they don’t steal your credit cards, just hide them for awhile, and use them then take you to court petitioning against you for all they did to you. Oh, the phases of life. Next…..
Thank you very much.
Homeless on disability.
I Know I have empathy and a Conscience. I was there for her every time she needed a shoulder to cry on. I opened up to her when she said it was safe to do so. She said a year later that she never really opened up to me. She closed the door and opened the window half way. I crawled reluctantly but willingly through knowing I was going to walk away with crumbs…the remnants of what little she.gave.me before. I put on the fake it doesn’t hurt face…While inside I died a little. The grief has been all that you described. I knew I had been replaced and yet I tried anyway.to be to give what I had left…to hold onto what I knew was gone. I am embarrassed and broken. I blamed myself…but I also recognized the.shallow openness of the window. I blamed myself because I am the one who tried to keep squeezing.through it after she had already moved on…and I even doubt that on some level. Is hard for me to not accept repsonsibility.
Hi and thank you again. I’ve asked myself several times if it was me who was the narc. and am now convinced for sure it wasn’t me.
Hi Melanie, I am so grateful for this blog! it really helps me realize a lot of things.
After many abusive relationships and the last one 2 years with a narcissist, I started to wonder myself whether I am not the one, and the cause of all the problems. After reading your questions I have remembered a case happened a few years ago.
I was working as a dressmaker in a wedding shop, doing alterations. One day we had a very young girl as a bride- to-be, 15 years old, with Syrian father, english mother. Her father had agreed for her marriage with his cousin in Syria and she was supposed to go there to marry him.
I was quite distressed whilst doing the fitting, although I did my bet not to show it. The fitting brought up a lot of hurtful memories, as I was myself forced into marriage when I was 15 years old, I was not even pregnant, just not being a virgin was enough reason for my mother to do this to me.
At home, I was putting off the dress to the last day, I just couldn’t bring myself up to do it, every time I would take it into my hands I would start crying. I called the shop and told them – I can’t do it, this is wrong, this girl needs help! They said – ah, it is not realy our business, maybe she will be happy, she didnt look like she was upset bla bla. But I knew just because the girl didnt cry for help, she was crying inside her, she was begging for help with her eyes and hoping that someone will do something. She was so indoctrinated by her father , she wouldn’t dare to ask for help.
I called the child line, and when they refused to talk to me as I was not a minor, I called again and screamed at them untill they put me in touch with another help like . I told them everything I knew about her and her whereabouts. They promised to do something about it.
Next day I went to the wedding shop and the girl tried her dress, her father chose for her the shoes, tiara, veil, everything. she said YES to everything. I didn’t tell anyone about what I did. A few months later one of the girls that worked in the shop said, – ah, remember that girl, with syrian father, can you imagine, someone tipped off the social services and they came to her house and took her into care, and forbid her to travel abroad untill she is 18 so she can not be forced into underaged marriage. Noone know who did that. I couldn’t say a word.
When I went out of the shop I was sitting in my car long time crying my eyes out in happiness, that girls was saved from a lot of abuse, moral, sexual, emotional. Even now my eyes are filling up with tears thinking about it. I never told to the ladies in the wedding shop that I was the one that called child line.
I was asking myself -am I the narc in the relationship? Now I realize- if I watch news and there is somethign bad, like killings or earthquale, when I only imagine all those people , and their families, suffering, poor mothers and fathers and children suffering from the lost of their loved ones- I cry. I just can’t watch news. And my ex-Narc would say – ah, why are you taking it all so close to heart? Don’t make world’s problems yours.
I have been deceiving him from my real intentions whilst preparing to leave, but I knew I need to get my documents and my business papers out of his flat otherwise he will take them hostage. I needed to wait for the right moment to leave with our little child, that he was threatening to take away from me. He accused me for planning my leave, and lying to him, but for this I don’t feel any shame. I needed to save myself and our little child and the unborn one.
Thank you for helping us, the lost ones!
Hi Melanie,
I’ve learned codependents and narcs are very similar. It’s a VERY fine line. Both look outward to supply their egos. A narc will feed a codependent’s ego to feed their own. I’ve done horrible things. She’s done horrible things. It is to the degree a narc will go and without remorse, and sadly without conscience that is the difference. I have remorse. She does not. This one was a tough journey for me, but I can happily say, I am NOT a narc.
Mark,
So are you saying you are a co-dependent and she is the narcissist?
Co-dependents are people pleasers – they do not do horrible things. We go out of our way to please and that is why we get hurt. Narcissists, socios, psychos, histrionics, anti-social personality disordered, borderliners, etc. as well as those having multiple mental abusive disorders, take advantage of the “good hearted” people. Co-dependents put up with a lot of abuse once they are hooked. Many never get out because they are too brainwashed and manipulated. Lucky for us on this site we finally say NO MORE ABUSE. Our childhood environments set the stage towards a vicious repetitive pattern of the same type people who have entered into our lives. We might have wondered why we seemed to be relentlessly victimized, but at the time when the abusers start conning us we are so trusting we did not catch on to their dangerous tactics, so we allowed them into our lives. In hindsight, it is upsetting to me because I always considered myself a strong woman, but those entities want to break our confidence.
Mentally disturbed abusive people cannot and do not want to change. Co-dependents, thank GOD, can change. We can improve and change the way we process information. We can become better for ourselves and select only good, decent people who have the ability to CARE to become our friends. In time, as we heal and learn empowerment and boundaries, a loving partner will appear to complete us. Let’s face it, none of us want to be alone. That should help all of us to want to heal as fast as possible so we are not stuck in the aftermath of these rotten entities.
Having said all that Mark, I think that two involved people who are intentionally doing horrible things to each other are both abusive and suffering from one or more mental disorders.
If you say you have remorse, why did you act that way in the first place? If you have remorse, why don’t you tell her? Two wrongs do not make a right.
I was involved with a “Mark” from Jax, FL. I was love bombed and fell in love with that mask of deception. I had no idea it was all a fascade. What a lot of work these fake immortals go through just to appease their dispicable appetite. The long period of devaluing is where I lost my identity and all I lived for was to make sure I was there for him at his beck and call in order to please him. It was never good enough or appreciated. I kicked his ass out of my life when I detected the discard was happening. Very evil. Did I do horrible things to him during all that? No, I did not cheat on him, but he did, wearing no protection. His mask was exposed. He is very immature, dangerous, and will never change. The betrayal was unconscionable. But it was all a game to try and destroy me. Why? Because he is miserable and intentionally, maliciously, without a conscious, gets off on hurting others.
Melanie is accurate when she is says these people are immature. I read that their minds remain in the childlike manner when their abusive environment began and that one or both parents have the disorders I speak about here. 80% chance future offspring will be produced with the same disorders. That is how strong the mentally disordered abusive genes are and these entities want to produce more. Many of the female evils either choose not to have children due to narcisstic issues or they actually can’t have children. So the men seek out co-dependents to produce more of themselves. Sometimes the evils procreate with each other. Regardless, most all of the evils are nomadic and change partners often.
I teach all this at every opportunity I can.
I have not been with another man since June, 2014. That Jax Mark raped my mind, body, and soul. That is where normal people are different, most of us can handle being alone as we work on ourselves while getting back our identities before bringing in another person. The evils have many going on at the same time, that is NOT normal. I can’t wait to see who God has in store for me, it is worth the wait, I will save myself for that special man, but I must be all healed first.
Two people who truly love and respect each other will never do horrible things to one another.
Im not a narcisist or bpd but i did attract one and dont know why..how do i learn why ?
I was married to a narcissist for 15 yrs. He was an adored pastor. I never understood the behavior pattern until we went to marriage counseling and I was diagnosed as co-dependent, him as a narcissist. The marriage was tough but fighting thru the divorce was almost harder. I’m still not divorced and it’s been 16 months, $14k in legal fees and roughly 8 court appearances. There’s nothing to fight over we own nothing except debt and kids. It’s the ridiculous behaviors they present that create the stress. Getting the legal system to understand the narcissist has been tough. Especially since I’ve been assigned 3 different judges. I’ve come a long way in 16 months of separation and therapy. Loved the article as I often ask myself..am I the crazy one!!! I say to all hang in there we are all survivors we can do this.
Thanks for the confirming article! I questioned myself about this exactly when I first began trying to understand what the heck I had gone through for 7 years with a narc ex gf, and came across info about narcissism via searches about passive aggressiveness.
I know that I know that I am not a narcissist! I’m a loving, empathetic, spiritually grounded, giving, compassionate, perfectly imperfect person, with a beat myself up conscience :/. Lots more work to do on myself, and only good things can come of that. Therapy, healing, growing. I am enough 🙂
Oh yeah my narc was THE MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE person I’d ever met! It was so bad it was numerous at first. I mistakenly thought..poor thing he can really use some help and assertiveness … He’s so shy! Cough. Cough
Thank you!!!!! I AM NOT A NARCISSIST, and He was doing EVERYTHING he accused me of! Mostly… I just learned to NEVER question or critique, even sweetly! All it took was one statement or question about next to nothing and the next thing you know they’re screaming at you for days for DOING THE VERY THING you questioned them about! Consequently through the screaming, your example of concrete evidence remains unheard…. While their circular nonsensical rhetoric reverberates off of every cell in your body.
Nope. He tells I’m nuts, but I am not. Well maybe a little lol…. I’d have to be to have wasted my time on him!
Thank you soooooo much for this blog!!!!
To answer whether I am a narcissist. Don’t think so. I have empathy and a conscience. He purposely says and does things so I will react. Last year I kept saying I don’t know who I am anymore and I had not read anything about this on your site now I know this is part of what happens to you living with a narcissist. Went to a counsellor once she gave me a book on co dependency. I am spiritually grounded. The games are endless that he plays. Most of them I am aware of now. Thank you Melanie for explaining all this it helps me to sort out the mess in my head.
I am not a Narcissist. My unhealed wounds led me into a relationship with a man who I wanted to validate my beauty, intelligence, and worth.
I am horribly confused. I have identified ways in which I have behaved like a narcissist, but also feel that I have been the victim of others who are narcissists and so, could it be that you can be victim of yourself and of others simultaneously?
Thank you so much Melanie!
Those 2 questions you asked?… whether or not a person is a narcissist?… made me feel like I won the lottery! I couldn’t read it fast enough.
The lottery I won? I have my life back, my freedom, and my self esteem and confidence grows daily. My desire to regain and choose the life I desired all along is growing by leaps and bounds.
Knowing by loving myself without guilt from the shame the narcissist put upon me because I know I did nothing wrong, has made me happier than I could imagine.
Compassion and Empathy have always been 2 of my greatest qualities, but being married to a narcissist for 19 years really put those qualities to test.
I have made healthy and firm boundaries in place now and it began earlier this year, by letting the Narcissist know that our family/relationship was 100% on hold and now it is over. The reason was I found out he was seeing the other woman without my knowledge again. I chose to not share my goodness any longer, only to be set up to be the bad guy for everything when things didn’t go his way or he couldn’t get what he wanted from me or our 19 year old son.
It’s so strange, because given enough time, he is becoming a faded memory and fast. Even now, I am cleaning out more and more things that had to do with him that still remain in my home. Doing so in order to free my self from any remaining energy left behind by the narcissist. (my sister suggested I do this and I believe it’s true)
I have been studying narcissism for over a year now, but I’ve gained the most from your valuable information. Even having found my adult daughters are narcissists as well as some business associates whom I’ve known for many years, which since studying narcissism, I have created boundaries with all of them and cut all or many of them out of my life.
This wasn’t easy, but now, after enough time has passed, I know it was 100% the best and bravest thing I’ve ever done for myself and my son has done it too.
I’m a singer/songwriter and hope to someday pen something wonderful from all of this, if only to continue to help myself, live my truth and help someone else who may have suffered years of abuse from a narcissist.
Warmest regards and …bless you Melanie, you’re a true gift from God!
Lore A
Seattle Washington
thank you…this is an awesome article i didnt even know what a narcissist was until i met and dated 1 for about a year…when she started accusing me of being 1 i had no idea what she was talking about or referring too…with the help of a friend i started reading up on it and to my shock everything i was reading and being accused of was her…she kept at me to the point she almost had me thinking i was but i was told there professionals at this, after reading this it really puts my mind at ease
I have been full of self doubt as to whether I was the narcissist in the relationship.
This has helped clarify some points for me.
A narcissistic relationship really does distort your psyche
I was reduced to tears and cannot THANK YOU enough for this article. I was feeling so angry, hurt and desperate to figure out a way to hurt him back that I freaked myself out and googled the title of your article.
Your words could not have helped me more then anything. I wish everyone feeling the same way all the best and hope we all rise abouve and heal.
Again THANK YOU!!!!!! Most valuble artivle I have ever read online and one I will read over and over as I heal and navigate this process.
Sincerely
A really good person with a kind soul, who was a little lost!
Why do I feel so much pain and discomfort in my gut/heart as I read this and many other posts about narcissists? I left a 15year relationship/marriage with a narcissistic man a year ago and I am in the process of healing right; coming by your website about 2 weeks ago has really helped. I just wonder why I feel so much pain whenever I read about him in your words. It’s almost like being abused all over again. It Took So Much Out Of me to finish reading this post to the end. Melanie is this a normal reaction?
Thank you a thousand times. This was exactly what I needed to read to help me understand not just that I am not the narcissist, but the reasons I often wonder. Now to figure out how to untangle myself and my children in the least harmful way to them.
Thank you Mel, for this. I know that I am not a narcissist as I constantly care and worry about other people. I love people period. But my spouse has all the traits as one with NPD. and I have put up with his horrible abuse for almost 30 years now until I realized that I couldn’t see who I was anymore and that alone really scared me. Before I met him, I was a vibrant independent woman who built herself up in the workplace and socially and felt my self identity. Not perfect but definitely far removed from the person I am now.
I AM not the narcissist 🙂
Thanks a lot for this. This is what I’ve been wondering lately… I feel like I am a narcissist.
I do know I have a conscience! But the second part, about empathy… I always thought I was genuinly empathetic. But now I know that much of what I called love was really ‘giving to get’. Isn’t that what both narcissists and co-dependents do? So, do I really care as much about others as I thougth I did? Or is all of this ‘helping and caring’ more about ME, so I feel I’m good enough? I’m not so sure. Right now I feel like I’m not going to do anything for any one anymore!! Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and I’m not willing to take over any responsibillity that is not mine! I have done that far too long!! I know there is a healthy way of ‘caring and helping’ but I’m not so sure if I am capable of doing it that way.
This was so very helpful, reassuring and accessible. In any other area of life and previous relationships I could not even imagine being labelled a Narcissist yet in my last relationship (along with so many other disorders and syndromes I was labelled with by her) the claim became so insistent and was said with such conviction and pain that I have been truly fearful of having these tendencies. I have questioned myself endlessly, felt like even misstep or misunderstanding was evidence of my own guilt and even bought into the line that only a narcissist would not be able to see my narcissistic behaviour as such terrible abuse. I could not fathom it….abuse was so distasteful to me , respect and being a gentleman was a life long value and suddenly I thought maybe this had all been self deception and part of a real flawed personality.
She has told so many people, turned people away from me and gained allies and even joined a Narcissist Support Group for survivors and yet every time I look at the material and answer your questions it comes back the same way…..I was not the narcissist in this relationship. Still that doesn’t stop this hurting nor me caring for this person.
This is an incredibly helpful article. Once I found out about NPD and recognized these traits in most of my past relationships, I knew a miracle healing was unfolding for me. But not long after my eyes were opened, after I read a few things about narcissists and watched a few videos, I fell into despair that I, myself, must be a narcissist because of how crazy I was in the midst of all the trauma. Today I came across this article and your associated youtube video and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and gratitude to God when it was made clear that I am DEFINITELY NOT a narcissist, but was in reactionary survival mode most of the time. I have been working the NARP program and am so grateful! Thank you so much Melanie!
What are the possibilities that both couples are narcissist? I am hurting and see my young kids hurting as well. But I know when patience and energy is low I can be short too. I don’t know what to do, I can see my husband suffering but I don’t know how to help. I feel we are constantly the target of his frustration, but I know I have snapped too… I just want to raise healthy children and I don’t want them to feel like It is okay to be so demeaning to others or treat others like that. But if I argue with him and/or vent to others about it doesn’t that make me the same? And if someone was truly narcissistic wouldn’t they feel like they are empathetic and caring?
Feeling confused and concerned
Thanks melanie. I was confused about who is the narc in my relationship. Feeling a lot of pain now as try to find a house to move out to. Feeling trapped in and under constant attack here. I have panic attacks multiple times daily. What’s the module I should do please? Sue
Thank you! I have been searching and searching for answers about my ex and I. I started to think I was narcissistic. Now I realise I am codependent and he is a big Narcissist. I’ve been completely broken for the 4 weeks we have split. I want him back so badly but when I look back on the relationship I was so confused and emotionally abused. There were moments though that were the most love I have ever felt. I’m wondering if that was even real? Do narcissists completely fake their love or do they think it is love at the time?
Thank you for this article. I had read so much online to see if I could find what was going on in my ex partners mind, and why she treated me the way she did, and as this artice suggests I started to wonder if it was me who had the problem. Sometimes it takes someone else to state the obvoius – if I can care about and still want to help my ex after all the abuse she gave me I cannot possibly be a narcissist . Thank you once again.
I really did start seriously thinking, KNOWING that I was the narcissist all along. I was very into my own needs during the relationship, I put all my emotional eggs into one basket and have huge co-dependency issues… but I do have empathy and conscience. I was actually thinking I was a hopeless case. I do still love the man I believe is a narc and that’s okay, denying that and squelching it will not help me move on.
OMG. I’m 57 and the child of 2 Narcissists. Reading about Narcissism is like a trip down memory lane that leads right up to the present. I had patched together a lot of survival tools before recently getting the big picture. I am able to keep my distance from Narcissists but still feel like a survivor in THEIR world. I am not in a relationship. I have been satisfied to do any healing I could and to not perpetuate the problem. I am so appreciative of landmarks like this one that give me confidence to take risks knowing that I have solid information at my back. Due to having been gaslit, it is very hard to trust personal feedback without looking for the narcissistic agenda. So it’s great to find material that is presented in a way that I feel safe to absorb it.
This is the most crucial question to ask. I will keep this as my reference as I truely still believe, deep down that it’s my fault. I feel like the narc, while my husband plays the victim… After 25 years of marriage, I believed I was mentally unstable, depressed. I was the crazy one, the unhappy one…. I spent the last 16 years studying every healing modality to fix me…….
The last 2 years I woke up….. I’ve spent the last 2 years studying all this psychology stuff…… My husband is either a covert narc or asperbergers…
I’m still here and it feels like the ultimate betrayal…..
I cannot believe I’ve been so deceived for so long, it doesn’t say much about me……
Everyone talks about love/self love. I’ve no concept of love as I had no role model in my life…
I just wish to say thank you, because without people like you putting this stuff out their for others to open there eyes, I really didn’t know all these types of ppl exsisted. I could always only see the good in others but lost my sense of self..
One thing I’m sure of, I certainly have a conscious and I’m a pure empathetic as I feel everything deeply.
I’m married to a man that I really no nothing about, I honestly don’t no him.
It’s so heartbreaking and I know I will get up tomorr and feel so bad for thinking this and worry still that it’s my fault, but I’m gaining strength bit by bit
Hi Mel…
I have a question that you may or may not be able to answer… (Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip right to it.)
I read that when a co-dependant feels pigeon holed and ripped open, they may get panicked, manic, and (angrily maybe?) make desperate attempts to regain some small semblence of control. Which has happened to me when I’ve felt exactly like that, however, I’m 95% sure that I was not dealing with a narcissist at those times. (I had a previous narcissist bf. I don’t need to bore you with the details, but I think my radar is pretty good although it requires patience and detached observation. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.)
I am pretty positive that these loved ones are not narcissists and they experience intense remorse and guilty conscience from wrong doings. However, they have been effected by the narcissists in their lives too, and I supposed the aftermath has frazzled us all.
What bothers me is everyone keeps saying “Your actions are your responsibility, not anyone else’s. No excuses. No situation or force outside of you is an excuse for how poorly you acted in that stressful situation. It speaks to your lack of character and possibly a mental disorder. You are not worthy of successful connections until you can fix this, you f*** up.”
I understand that I’ve done a great wrong and added to everyone’s stress by not staying calm and centered. I’ve been torn up about this for months but I kept a cucumber-cool mask about it for 6 months. It’s really bothering me now though. The mask is failing and I’ve been crying a lot. It’s the least graceful, least face-saving thing for everyone involved.
Am I misunderstanding something or am I actually a psychotic b*tch for reacting so poorly to people who weren’t really narcissists?
I think we are responsible for our behavior no matter what. But I noticed you seem to believe you are not allowed to FEEL certain ways.
Having feelings doesnt make you bad. It makes you human.
Reacting to feelings with poor behavioral choices may be something to work on.. I don’t know your whole story, but in my case, this has been a great lesson… Don’t try to change your feelings, and then blame your feelings for your choices.. do the opposite: accept your feelings, whatever they are, and sit with them. They are real, and denying them only causes them to increase.
A true source of strength comes from that moment you realize yourfeelings and even thoughts are not in control of you, and you dont need to fear them.
I see now that I am not a narcissist. But I am definitely co-dependent and need to do a lot of work on myself before even stepping foot into another romantic/committed relationship.
It is going to take some time to get comfortable in my skin again. I almost believed the lie “you are too broken and too damaged to be of any good to anyone.”
Thank you. Very healing to read this article.
I am not a narcissist. I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to shift from self hate to self love. I am willing to accept myself and free myself from the abuse of others.
I am not a narcissist. I am working on internal validation. I have depended too long on other people validating me, and I say ENOUGH. I need to get her viewpoint out of my head and replace it with my own!
It does feel empowering to say this. I was so tempted to list off my sources of pain, but taking on a stronger self esteem feels much better.
I have indeed had my doubts but I am not the narcissist. I still am not sure if my boss is,but everything simply everything you say about narcissists fits her. I recon that I am a dyed in the wool co-dependant for sure. I have all of it. ha!
I AM NOT A NARCISSIST!! But have finally learned how to spell the word properly from searching about it so many times. Thank You for the article. I have asked myself this question on and off for the past year now. Was partly also the reason I stayed. I questioned myself. But you know all of this. All of us do. Here is to NO Contact. And focusing on myself and learning to forgive myself for not being “perfect” and truly learning to love myself. I hope you all luck as well.
Thank you for this thoughtful article. I am not a narcissist, fortunately. But a codependent for the time being. Will take necessary steps to get my feet on the ground again.
I am NOT the Narc!
I was/am however an empath and a spiritual healer. I was severely gas-lighted and diminished to the point where I seriously bought into his accusations and thought I would never be a success in anything, and doubted I had ever had any accomplishments that had any value. I believed I might have dementia or MS and was mentally defective. I developed insomnia and also sleep apnea.
Soon I forgot things for real, and it got worse as the self-doubt and accusations of being inadequate as a human continued. I went to therapy and they couldn’t figure it out.
after another year of misery and sleeping with him and the woman brought in to take over all my duties because “you weren’t up to it”. The gf got pissed off at me because I was lying and hiding things from him or deliberately defying his instructions so she refused to sleep in the same bed as me. She continued to undermine me and feed his ego and soon I was sleeping alone,
Lonely and destitute brought me int an ever spiraling depression, until I became suicidal. Finally. my cries for help became heard, and I got medicated and began seeking help. I had to persist to get the right kind of help, and somehow I got I found the right person. We planned for PTST trera[y using EMDR. and cognitive behavior. I researched endlessly for information. I finally chanced upon Melanie’s videos on U Tube and devoured everything.
I shared everything with my therapist. She was/IS! so impressed with the progress I have made. I still have a good way to go- Some days I still feel my heartstrings tearing me up. Slowly, it seems and painfully I know now from my head now what my heart knew all along. this man was so wrong for me.
Although I am intensely angry with this gf for all the pain she has given me- I am grateful that she is also a gateway to freedom because she is a distraction and his solace allowing me o heal, and find my real purpose. Oddly I believed I had lived beyond an age where men would find me attractive. The opposite is true. And, I have to now be very sure that I don’t confuse myself by becoming so involved in relationships that I allow myself to forget the work and changes I have begun.
I am guarding my heart, to not get hooked in by runaway emotions. I am becoming my own best friend, and I am determined that I will never again be a victim. I purchased this program from Mel knowing full well I have no income. I hope I can be sponsored. One day I will pay if forward.
I forgot to mention, I was happily co-dependant! I love to serve and honor.
I am not the narcissist, despite others claiming that I am …
I’ve devoted my life to working for social change, first as a community organizer for a decade, then as the district manager for a representative. For the last 5 years I’ve helped low income senior citizens and disabled persons qualify for benefits, while at the same time I’ve had poverty level earnings myself I qualify for the same benefits as those I help.
Sadly, I’ve been surrounded by narcissists most of that time. My mother was a narcissist, my former politician boss was a narcissist, my ex wife was a narcissist. At the age of 53 I’m only just now discovering the many ways their narcissistic traits have impacted my life in negative ways.
I have been working through all of your articles, and have found very profound and insightful information. I am not a narcissist and I am focusing on healing and being the caring, fun, loving person I am. Thank you for setting me on the right path. I am exciting to carry on this path and leave all the gross negativity and hurt behind. So thank you 🙂
Last night and today was one of my hardest days. I decided to go out with a friend and have a light dinner and drinks. (I rarely go out let alone by myself or with friends). Due to my ex recently hoovering me and now trying to get me to agree with his “talking” about how we should divide assets making himself out to be the poor soul of taking all the debts by helping me and my kid’s out by me walking out of the marriage with nothing in reality. I stood my grounds and stated I would be using an attorney. He stormed off and drove off like a madman through our neighborhood. I was proud of myself. I then started questioning myself if I was the narcissist….my mind continued to play over and over the thoughts of selfishness that I thought I was being. We have been together 13yrs and married 10yrs in Oct 2016. I pushed myself to stay till the 10yr mark to be able to get alimony. I feel guilty about it but I gave up a career basically when we met because of his strong arming me to move 4 huge moves across the US throughout the marriage. I’m trying hard to get back into finding a job that is stable and can support myself, my so, daughter and gbaby . I have to take aniexty meds to keep from being freaked out if he is following me or using GPS tracking. I file papers for divorce come Monday the Nov 21st. I just want this to be over and have something to survive on and a judge to be fair in his rulings. He has a very lucrative job and he is acting like he is doing me a favor by taking all the debt and me, my kid’s and gbaby just leave with “my stuff aka my assets” with no place to go. How is it he thinks he is doing us a favor. He could make minor repairs to our home (which btw he will not agree to sell it for more than the loan balance nor do some minor repairs to actually increase the value) and sell it in the next few months make a huge profit and be set for the future. In the meantime I’m on the streets with a minor, a handicap daughter and a 1 yr old gbaby. (We have no kids together..I have 4 in total with a gbaby as well) sorry this seems to jump all over the place but my mind is going a hundred mph and I can’t seem to slow it down. I want peace and happiness. I hate the mind and how it works for the victim. I want to heal and slowly getting there bit it seems so out of reach right now. The article is great I just want to fast forward everything to be complete. Thanks for reading. I needed to vent my crazy thoughts somewhere safe!
Thankyou !!! I now understand what lead me to
My narc ex husband. I believe i am a co dependant. and im still trying to heal from the three years of emotional abuse and crazy making torment he put me through. I am a single mother of two, one from a previous relationship before the narc came into my life. I have been no contact for over a year now but am still struggling deep down to grow, heal, move forward and find acceptance. I find my biggest issue is with myself, im so a shamed i allowed this person into not just my life but my eldest son. How do you get past and truly accept your part” being fooled by these individuals ” ??
I dont know what to say…..becausr everything i just read…is what im going through with my boyfriend…we been togetgwr for 9 years nows…everything in the beginning was great..but now after i think back ……evrything leads me ti belive he is toxic…im not saying im the greatest…but in our house cant talk about feelings he says i make him weak and every lil thing that goes wrong is my fault…had to leave friends behind because he says they were bad people….always giving me altamtoms its either him or whatever…..i feel so empty inside all i do is cry But not wen he is around…..he tells me im grown and i shouldn’t be crying. ..im just hoping its not me with the problem…..everytime i tell him theres problems with us he tells me that everything is fine…but deep down i know its not…..he calls himself superman…..i already have bipolar and that just makes it worse….he tells me that i dont need the medication that i just meed to change my way of thinking…and if he doesn’t get what he wants wen he wants it….look out hes on a rampage…..what should i do …i feel like im going crazy and to the point i truly believe it is all my fault and that if i try harder things will get better….but to him all i am is a bad luck charm.
Great article. I used to pin lots of stuff about narcissist s on Pinterest, a couple of months later (of
Course it was festered upon by my ex narc for all this time) he mentioned it and said he had read them and had been making him really angry because he thinks they were about him ! I said well you must be able to see our self in them then thinking he did and he replied. It was only when we had a fall out (everyday) that I was posting them that made him think that but when he read them that he thought they were actually about me!!!!
The sad thing is I did have good boundaries when I met him and had worked for many years to get them. It’s terribly sad I allowed what I did and compromised myself and my kids who saw me change into a complete wreck.. and he loved it. I googled could I be a Narcassist lol and it said the fact I was searching that , probably meant I wasn’t and . Definitely co dependant tho ?
Thanks for this.. I have been so thinking I am a narcissist following the break up from the man I now believe has NPD.
I recognise that in my past I had strong narcissistic behaviours, and I lied, misled, manipulated, cheated and was constantly striving for attention and drama in my life. I treated two people particularly badly, one of them doesn’t speak to me and it broke my heart but at that point, I had a break down, and realised my behaviour was the cause of all my suffering, I was heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol but was using the addictions to excuse my behaviour and deflect from my actions.
I have been trying to figure out why I brought the narc relationship into my life, and I have come to conclusion that is part of my karma… for me to know how it feels to be betrayed, to not feel trust in someone and to feel the confusion that goes along with that.Wow, it is really teaching me some big lessons and I have been in a lot of fear that I also have NPD, but what I do know is that I have a conscience and empathy and I was doing my emotional best at that time with the level of consciousness that I had.
Wow, what a journey… thanks for all your guidance, it has been unbelievably helpful and has brought clarity and self responsibility into the mix. I don’t want to feel like a victim and want to move on and grow. It is painful and I am struggling to maintain NC but just taking each day at a time.
Thanks again and love to all who are on this path.
xx
This is very helpful!! Thank you for writing it. I thought i was hoing a little crazy but your article put a lot in perspective, specually the self understanding part. Its time to rebuild.
Thank you once again.
I n c r e d i b l e wisdom!!
I indeed had started to think ‘what if I am the narcissist anyway?’.
I indeed started to feel insane,bad,cursed after choosing to stay away from the narcissists of my life!
I had always the sense of ‘I lack ‘self” and that I ‘gain self’ through others(preferably confident others) without being able to express it(not even to myself) and even though I have dug into the self help field so much,
I hadn’t experienced anyone ‘touching’ this side.
I was feeling lack of self without knowing what I felt/feel..
Thank you for putting words to my state,
Thank you for clarifying the differences between codependency and narcissism,
Thank you for what you offer to us,
Thank you for being the person i perceive you are!!!chara 663
Reading this is such a relief! I have had such trouble with how he sees me and how I see me. This article has given me just enough to trust my instincts and move forward in a positive manner! I’m bookmarking it because I know there will be (MANY!) times when I’ll need to refer to it again! Thank You!
Oh my God. I feel like you are reading my mind. I am so grateful for this information because it is allowing me to re-anchor to who I truly am and not define myself solely as a victim. Your information is helping me see my reality in a new light. I am empowered to work on myself without the fantasy belief that I once held that if I did enough things right or better I could recapture the “love” I thought we shared.
I still am not sure I’m not NARC as well.. …
maybe a few times he admitted fault but he is so needy and victimizing and very insecure and sensitive. Apologies are often not sincere enough or not heard until he has spoken his mind which usually takes days of bashing, blaming, and confusing blah blahing which almost always include how disregarding I am now and always have been. Using my own words prove my faults.
I also go through the same unhealthy cycles as he when dealing with things I’m being told I don’t like about myself. I guess the one big difference I see is that it seems to be much easier for me to openly admit to him and others that I fucked up…. though I usually kick and scream first I do know they are almost always right and they can see in me something I don’t want to see in myself. I may not always admit openly they are right but I know it’s true.
Through this relationship have discovered a huge flaw in my previous marriage that Im never actually accepted or did much about. Now that I’m with this new and amazing man who fullfills so many of my needs, I also see a dark side of who I was with my ex because the way My current partner is.
When we fight or He is upset with me, He treats me the same way I treated My ex.
I was always the victim to his (my ex) bad behavior which never stopped because “He never cared enough about me.” Now i see more clearly that he had some major addictions and definitely did care but nonetheless i let him know all the time that he didn’t. I had huge mood swings and went into a rage many times. I always felt the need to tell him My mind until My mind was exhausted of it and “I” was ready to actually hear a “sencere ” apology that was usually demanded of him. On and on I can go.
I am feeling all this come back to me now by a stronger force than myself and it’s bringing me to My knees! Making me beg for mercy! I am truely being humbled!
My biggest question that I can’t find the answer to……
is there hope for our relationship?
Can i, through taking personal resonsibility for my actions and admitting fault when there is an issue, truely caring and not getting caught up thinking about me first, can i change the direction of our toxic relationship?
Will that alone do it?
Or will I forever be stuck trying to fight a battle that will never be won?
It’s an act of God that I saw this email and it’s content! I just got done freaking out for weeks concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist but indeed I am NOT!!! I am NOT THE NARCISSIST!!!! I have empathy for days and love people and myself!! Oh thank GOD! I feel a sense of myself coming back just by reading this. Thank you so much!
This is HANDS DOWN the most helpful piece (and overall blog!) I have read since divorcing my narcissistic husband of 17 years over 6 years ago, and recognizing and breaking up with a very similar man just three months into the relationship last weekend. Your blog posts have helped me to know that I’m not alone in experiencing what I did, that my reactions to it were normal, and finally gave a name to the tremendous amount of guilt, grief, shame, and pain that was involved all those years. No need to retell my story, as they may all differ in the details, but are so similar in pattern. Rather than rehash things from now on, I’ve made a vow with myself to use any painful memory or experience that comes up as a jettison of fuel in becoming more of who God intended me to be.
I feel vindicated, validated, and so relieved that I am not a narcissist (although I have a few miles to go in working on that co-dependent part of me!), and so much more equipped to move forward in life. I have never felt more deserving of self love and self respect, and I’ve never understood more deeply how much we really do need to begin within.
Thank you, from the bottom of my (conscience-filled, empathetic–hooray!) heart. You are a true blessing!
I don’t know where to start. I thought I was happy, healthy, confident, sure pf myself, liked myself, etc… Then I dated a sociopath or narc, thinking more sociopath, for 8-9 years. I don’t know why I loved him so much that I wanted to believe his lies. I finally got out of that relationship, and about a year later got involved with my current partner/I’m trying to leave him. I knew early on he wasn’t right for me, but I also hoped he could be helped/change and indeed saw many changes. However about a year into it I got pregnant and since that time he’s done a back slide. Drugs, alcohol, major anger issues, verbal abuse.not Early on I would get angry, fight him, try to explain why xyz just isn’t right (selling iron scrap yard dirt, or being racist, or manipulating people, etc). He’s told me all along that I’m wrong.
I own my actions, or try to, so I’ve slowly given up everything that makes me me, and now pretty much hate this person I am. I came on here wondering if I’m a narc too. I’m still unsure if I am or not. I feel like I have a conscience and empathy, but does any narc really admit they don’t have those things? I know I was mean to my current partner early on (first two of our four year relationship). He would say I was overly critical, nothing made me happy, that I flew off the handle over simple things. I would say that he was a boundary stomper, disrespectful, and had control issues so me even asking him to pick up his own dish was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, he would prove he didn’t have to. Then yes, I would rage, after a week or two of asking nicely every day, I blew up. Im embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but it’s the truth. Then I would say we were done, I wanted him to go and he would refuse, and it would become one ugly fight. I ended up feeling very powerless, and to this day, I will have to evict him (again) to get him out. Last time, 2-3 months ago, I evicted him and he begged me to give him time to get out, that he would leave at xyz date. Then that he wanted to do therapy. It was a joke. He glossed over things to the therapist, when I called him out he said I was tearing him down and trying to make him look like the bad guy, etc. Now he won’t leave again, says I just evicted him for control, and will have to reevict him.
I’m now trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me that I’ve been I’m two such horrible relationships when I would say I like me when I’m not in a relationship? Do I really secretly hate myself this much to tolerate such bad behavior? This one I thought I was standing up for myself but all I was doing is showing him I won’t follow through.
Wow, i remember after having a circular fight with my ex one day, one of those ones which did not make any sense, I felt so confused and like we were getting nowhere so that eventually I just gave up on it, I lay on my bed and I had a thought “maybe I’m the controlling one, maybe he’s right!”
There was no logic to it at all, there was nothing I had done which was controlling, I always approached our discussions with the intention of mending our relationship, learning about myself or about him. It just goes to show though, how another person can make you doubt what you know about yourself, even to the point of doubting your own intentions. I know for sure that I have empathy and care about others – sometimes too much, to my own detriment. Its good to get clarity at last now that we are apart.
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m day 11 into my journey and have had the thoughts “Wait! Am I the narcissist?” come up, just as you said. However, because of your blogs and program I’m actually starting to be able to come from a place of understanding that all of this was a lesson, that the Narc on a soul level was in my life to ultimately teach me something. Rather than coming from a place of helpless victimization, rage, and blame… I’m actually able to accept my part in the dance and see the narcissist from a place of compassion and gratitude at a soul level. Obviously this doesn’t mean that I will relate to him directly with this understanding – but within myself and from a healthy place of minimal contact (we have children together) I can come from a place of a deeper understanding of what might have been behind everything. Forgive him (the real him beneath the mask) and myself and move forward with my life in positive ways. Thank you, Melanie.
I am not the narcissist. Do you know how hard that is to say? After each section in your post I reverted to, ‘but what about that time I said that insanely hurtful thing?!’ But as I continued to read, it solidified it for me. Thank you. I have an immense amount of work to do to heal and love myself, all aspects…to accept me for who I am.
I am not the narcissist.
I am not a narcissist, but as a co dependent I was no picnic. Hurt people hurt people and damaged people damage things, not matter what label we put on it. My question is, I recognize my behaviors and patterns, I see the “why” and the resulting wounds, I’ve identified all of that….. how do I stop feeling fragmented? Now I feel like I am detached from myself and looking at two different people not quite sure how to integrate them. I see who I am really, and at times find it easy to be that. Then other times I am slipping into old behaviors. Not necessarily destructive, just not me. Quiet, reserved, introverted, hiding…only now I am fully aware when I do it. Like I said I almost feel detached and like I am observing myself instead of being myself and I find it quite odd. How do you stop this form of disassociation?
Thank you so much for your articles and videos and the work you do. They help me a lot.
Hi Linn,
I am so pleased I can help 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel, thank you so much for your articles. They have been so helpful especially during this confusing time. I have been in a toxic relationship full of emotional abuse with a narcissist which ended 2 days ago. There are times I question whether I was at fault coz in trying to communicate with him, I felt I was being unreasonable.
He discarded me when he found a new girlfriend. I ceased to exist. I was abused, humiliated, disrespected and called a stalker, all of which I’ve never experienced before, there was no remorse on his part. I’d previously let things go and forgiven him but this time I am done and I wished him well and told him I want nothing more to do with him. The end of the relationship whilst necessary is still hurtful.
Are narcissistic people as highly emotionally intelligent as they think they are? Can they ever change?
How do I move forward? How do I find inner peace? How do I heal myself?
Please help me.
Hi Confused,
you are very welcome 🙂
Please find this in regard to a narcissist healing – https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/can-a-narcissist-be-cured/
Please know our salvation lies in what the narcissist has triggered within us, which is our original wounds from childhood that have not been healed yet.
You named exactly what this is for you.
I would love you to come into my free workshop to really get an understanding of what is going on at the deepest, truest level, as well as how to heal it … https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this heals and I am wishing you true healing.
Mel xo
My ex gf of 3 years broke up with me in dec, in nov she made a dating website account. She still stayed and lived with me and in dec-jan she was always picking fights but also lived like our normal lives abd even celebrated the holidays with our families. In feb i went on vacation to see my sick dad. While i was on vacation i was begging for her to stay in the relationship which she said that she is done and needs to be with a man (im lesbian btw). When i came back, she left that weekend night and i also went out and we seen each other at the bar, she was with a guy, i freaked out and asked her who he was and she said he was a friend that she met through a classmate. When i came home, we got into an argument, asked her to move out and she returned the phone that i bought her. I have found numerous photo of the guy in my house while i was gone on vacation. And i know it is a mistake, but i recovered the phone and found out that she brought another guy over while i was gone and had sex with him multiple times. Btw i bought this house for her but she paid half the mortgage only twice. She said she had the right to bring over men when she wants to because she paid half. So…i was so angry, lost and heartbroken, got into her account using her phone and found out more shady stuff that she had done. That she was talking to lots of men before we broke up. She said it was normal and i should get over it. From being angry, i continually messaged her and she lied to me multiple times. I feel embarassed for all the shit i have done getting into her accounts and messaging the ex wife of the guy she had sex with (who btw the ex wife said was narcissist and continued to make her life hell). Also she continued to ignore me and when she does talk to me she always called me names like psycho, crazy, nuts and piece of shit. Which i returned by calling her names like whore and slut. I am never ever like this and never called people names. Also i continued to look at her stuff from the phone and got really obsessed with her and even messaged her family and friends for answers. Btw during our relationship we were having problems with her guy bestfriend that she gets drunks over the phone every single month. When he calls, she completely leaves me behind and i sleep all alone in bed and find her passed out on the floor all the time. I have tried to talk to her so many times but it only ends up so complicating, she would call me names and then block me everytime. All i want is to figure out whay, i never done anything bad to her, yes said some rude stuff but its because she calls me names and belittles me. Also, now i feel like im a narcissist who cant let go. As to, she keeps threathening to file harassment charges against me. Ive apologized so many times for doing the things ive done, because if i never did, i would have never known what she did. Can someone enlighten me? Thanks
Hi LT,
Please know that when we meet a nemesis who triggers all of our unhealed traumas from childhood (and beyond) we feel hopelessly hooked to them trying to force them to be the salvation of our wounds.
But these people never are. Rather, they were perfect people (A.I.Ds) in our life to bring up to our consciousness what has been deeply unconscious. Meaning all our unhealed parts that have been limiting us previously that its now time to meet and heal for real.
This requires letting go of this person (which we have to do in order to survive anyway) turn inwards and do the necessary healing that we always had to do.
It is just this time the pain is so intense there is no more “carrying on as normal” and this is when personal catharsis can finally happen.
I’d love you to join me in my free webinar – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because my healing process is this process, which you will experience.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
I have been struggling with the thought of being the narcissist in my relationship for months. I never was in previous relationships. I have become hardened because of previous relationships, but I let one man break down those walls, than i regretted it after. He used every part of my broken past to point out how good he is for me and that I cant see it. I am naturally an empath, Some of my past relationships have after growing up apologized how they treated me. I let it happen though. I will no longer be co dependent, I am not a narcissist, I will heal, and I will love myself and than maybe love again. Today is the first day of my journey.
It’s been for a week that I’ve been asking myself a question “Could it be that I am a narcissist and that is why I was manipulated by a narcissist so easily?”. It was only this night that I came to a conclusion that I am not and then miraculously I read this great article of yours. So thank you – it was a great confirmation of my thoughts!
Hi Lena,
you are so welcome and I am so pleased this has helped!
Mel xo
I am
NOT
A
Narcissist!
Amen.
I am not the Narcissist and when others try to dump their shame onto me it is their own issues and I can detach emotionally. When a Narcissist targets me it shows me more wounds that I can then unconditionally love, accept and heal.
I met a girl about 2 years ago where I work who came into my life like a whirl wind. That’s when I began reading on line about things like
“love bombing”, future faking and grooming. She was doing all these things but she came into my life at a time when I felt very lonely and even though I knew something wasn’t quite right I committed to the relationship. She started to devalue me just barely a couple weeks into the relationship and I was stunned and really hurt by some of the things she would say to me. She was amazing though at being wonderful and nice to me like 95 % of the time but that just made the other 5% all that more traumatizing. I have a history of being abused as my mom had strong narcissistic tendencies so I was probably easy pickin’s. I have been through many years of therapy so although I obviously haven’t fully healed from my childhood experiences, I was, however, quite conscious of what I was getting into with this girl. Our relationship would run in cycles -hot and intense and then I would wait for the devaluing and her boredom and her pushing me away. She would constantly triangulate me with her many guys that she was friends with and do everything she could to get a reaction out of me. I got good at ignoring her attempts and not giving her the satisfaction. We broke up many times and she would hoover me sometimes months later and I would go back. You see, we work together and when I say we work together I mean I sit like 3 desks away from her and she is in my field of vision all day. So we had easy access to each other and her co-workers are my co-workers. Each time we broke up for a significant amount of time she would tell the people around her how mean I was while she played the victim role. She never took any responsibility and took every opportunity to make me feel like I was solely at fault. Even though we weren’t together she was still punishing me. She would set the situation up this way and sometimes I felt it was easier just to go back to her rather than have the people I work with look down at me. I did go into the relationship with a level of consciousness about what I was getting into but where I was deluded was I thought I could help her and maybe change her. I tried time and again maybe in an attempt to correct what I was unable to with my mother. I told myself to be careful don’t go in too far- kind of like those movies where the kids tie a rope so that they can find there way back. Well, with each time I went back I started to lose myself more and more until this last time when I really felt that I was leaning over the edge of an abyss. I started having bad dissociation symptoms and depression. I knew I had to end the relationship and when the cycle came around and she started to ramp up her devaluing like she always did, I stepped out.
I got so scared this time for myself that I know that this time is it. It has to be otherwise it could be my demise. In spite of all this and the attempts by the people I trust in my life trying to steer me away from her, I learned an incredible amount about myself. The insights I gained and the lessons learned could not have been garnered any other way. I am convinced that this was meant to happen in order to help me grow. Sometimes when I am able to look at it all from above it actually seems beautiful , how custom fit and tailored the experience was just for me. I know that I must stay true to myself as you said even though the relationship can be helpful it is necessary to end it. I truly pray for her that she learn from her experiences as well and that she may someday find peace. But I know I have to stay focused on my own growth and that means being sure the relationship stays ended.
Just to add to my previous entry in order to keep with the theme “I am not a narcissist” well I do believe for myself anyway that spending so much time with my ex-narcissist did cause me to be a little more narcissistic than I would normally be. I think in part because I tried to combat her narcissism by being narcissistic myself as a defense mechanism and also maybe because I tried so hard to understand and see the world the way she did that I did sometimes worry that I was becoming narcissistic. Now that I am out of the relationship about 6 weeks I do still feel that I have lingering effects from this and I do still feel more narcissistic than I normally used to. I think part of that just may be emotional exhaustion and having nothing left to give. This makes me feel bad because I am used to being very empathetic but it is slowly returning back to normal. I am sure though that what she has I definitely do not because sadly she would never reflect on her way of being, what might actually be her fault and what she maybe could do differently that would nurture herself and the relationship.
Reading this felt like a heavy weight being lifted off my soul’s shoulders.
I am not a narcissist!
Thank you, Melanie!
Now onto my own boundary function work… 🙂
Hi Rohm,
I am so pleased this helped!
Good for you 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you so much for this. I actually really needed to read this. I believe I stumbled across this for a reason. I don’t want to keep doubting myself & looking back in my life & in my relationships feeling bad like I was the narcissist & feeling regret. I’ve experienced so much emotional abuse, I really feel like I’ve numbed myself out for so long. This was probably the best thing I ever could’ve read.
Hi Shelby,
you are so welcome.
I am so pleased this helped 🙂
Mel xo
Oh my goodness!! Thank you Thank you thank you for this blog! It amazes me how right on you are with all you this. I have absolutely been struggling with the idea that I possibly am the narcissist and the one with the problems. After telling my now ex bf he was a narcissist and him telling me to look in the mirror, I could see how some of my behaviors could fit the definition as well. I have become this person I don’t know and have reacted to certain behaviors like I have never acted before. Some of my inner fears have only become worse in the relationship as well. And even though I knew he had done things to make my fears worse, I had questioned whether I.t was all my issues that started I.t all in the first place. I so appreciate everything you have discussed in this article and yiu other articles as well. It truly has been a great help in trying to heal and move past this relationship. One thing I must ask… do you believe a narcissist is ever able to truly see what they e done? How they’ve treated you? How they’ve made you feel? My ex has apologized for some behaviors but I.t always seems to turn around to have been my fault somehow, a reaction to my fears. Or he will say he’s done something but then point out how the pain I’ve caused him has been so much worse. Are these true heart felt apologies or just another manipulation? I want so much to believe he can see how he’s made me feel. I want to believe we can fix things and be happy like we were in the beginning. Hard letting go of the hope, but I think my eyes are being opened a little more each day. 🙁 I think with the explanation you gave here for the difference in a narcissist and a Co-dependent has helped me in understanding I am not the narcissist. However I think he is a caring person also. He does things to help other people. I guess I don’t know his motivation for it but I always thought he did have a good heart.
One more thought. Is it possible I’m making more of this, thinking it’s worse and labeling him a narcissist because of my fears and now overly negative thinking? Could this just be all in my head? Am I crazy?
Hi J,
what is true is that when we are in toxic relationship and/or old childhood traumas that are being triggered – we are as confused as hell.
Either way – regardless of what we are dealing with – it is time to pull away and heal.Then clarity comes.
That is exactly what my processes are about.
Mel xo
Thank you
I am not the narcissist!!!!
Thank you…..
Just thank you.
Tears***
I will be okay after all.
Hi Julie,
I am so pleased this helped!
Mel xo
I desperately hope this is correct. I have been struggling so much with the accusation of being narcissistic because inherently it is indefensible. The second you start denying it, you are playing directly into it. I have felt so helpless unable to determine if I am a good person or not, if I need to change and am subconsciously protecting my own wounded ego, or if I just have a healthy level of confidence. But I identify almost perfectly with the way you describe feeling as the one who is being abused.
Even though I’ve exhibited selfish and narcissistic tendencies in my past to seek comfort from sources outside of myself, I am not the narcissist.
I can take responsibility for my actions. I can feel empathy for others in pain. I can forgive and love myself because I am a child of God and He loves me. He loves me more than I love myself, and I can rely on that perfect love to get me through this journey.
Mel, I once saw a list of qualities that people with NPD are attracted to.
Can you direct me to that list?
Hi Eden,
In my free eBooks there is that list. Have you accessed them?
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this help.
Mel xo
Hi,
Once you are “diagnosed” as NPD by the other person you are stuffed… Everything you do after that just fuels this idea.
The other person sees the following:
1. You disagree with the claims-> you are NPD
2. You have good reasons for specific decisions based on your inner belief system -> you are manipulative -> you are NPD
3. You are accused of all the bad things that happened and it is only your fault, you try to explain logically -> you only focus on yourself -> you are NPD
4. You do everything you can to see your children -> you are manipulative/controlling -> you are NPD
5. You are so broken down/confused , you need some validation from “real human beings” -> you are NPD
I understand that you have to sort these things out for yourself and that you do not need to be validated by others, but at some point the confusion can be so extreme that you need other people as a soundboard.
I realise now that it is possible that a person can act NPD even if it is not their true personality due to circumstances and bad relationships. What is the difference between self preservation after you are broken down (you focus on yourself) and NPD (you focus on yourself)?
I am really struggling with this…
Hi
My name is Edward
I thank you a lot this was a very bad year for me, I have encountered three narcissists two at work and also my wife at home. The ones at work put all the blame on me for very stupid things, even for commenting or just shutting my mouth. I was told I was crazy in fact I must see a mental doctor. She never allowed to do any report to our boss, but I left that job anyway. Because my wife was also driving me crazy, She was busy destroying our small business, gaslighting me threatening to abort her pregnancy, to leave me for another man and never do any clean or do anything at home. Just always lying on her bed. I thought it was the hormones or I was going mad. But everything is clear now, she left me in November saying she was never coming back. when she got home I called her to make sure she arrived safely, she greeted with laughter as if nothing ever happened. She told me how much she misses me even now and that she wants to come back home. I am doing the modified contact because of the children. I have not told her not to come to me but I am planning to very soon. She has my two children with her. Which I will be discussing with her very soon. I began searching for answers after all of this, then I met your post.
I can’t thank you enough for everything you are doing.
I have always blamed myself for my parents divorce. Being able to identify my father as a narcissist, and you painting such a clear picture of what my mother had to live with has really helped me forgive myself, and hopefully move on.
Thank you
Hi Alex,
that is wonderful that you can forgive you now.
Wishing you incredible healing and blessings.
Mel xo
This is just what I needed thank you!
I am so glad you have a free class. I was really worried that maybe it was me, how could I be a good parent to my kids if it was me? I am so thankful this resource is out here, I will be attending your webinar tomorrow.
Hi,
I just want to say thank you for this, and thank you for encouraging us to not hold onto what someone has done to us. Feeling like a narcissist was one of the hardest parts of this recovery. This may sound silly, but being in love with people who brutally messed with my psychology saved me, and helped me. It made me begin to turn the mirror back on myself and realize that I was lacking a sense of Self. I had never heard of narcissism or codependency until one friend gently suggested it to me, and I started going to therapy during my longest/most harmful relationship. I read books, and talked to others, and realized I was repeating my childhood in my adulthood. Does this mean I am completely healed? No. It means that I am on the way to be healed. Self-actualizing is a long journey, and I’m afraid I have fallen into similar traps again. It’s difficult to explain this kind of self-sabotage and emotional trauma to others who have not experienced similar situations. My aunt’s life was recently taken because she never left this pattern, and I fear the same will happen to me if I’m not careful. What I have learned the most is that integration is everything and a sense of identity and self-compassion, which isn’t the same as ego/narcissism. Even if I’m still coming out of bad habits, it’s incredible what happens when we start to deprogram codependency and turn it into acceptance. Thank you for articles like this, support groups and the like. This pain gave me purpose and I will help others start to integrate and love themselves too, but as most of us heard it begins first and foremost with ourselves.
Thank You so much for this!
I was horrified when I recognized some of the narcissistic behaviors in myself! This article relieved me.
I have always felt terrible about hurtful things I had been responsible for, and things I’m not responsible for. This article clarifies my doubt.
I feel bad for my narcissist mother. this is the part that”s hard. How do I separate my empathy from these people ? Their pain also hurts. I know it is claimed that the narcissist has no feelings; I don’t know if I could believe anyone has no feelings. They must be hurt also to display their behavior. I have cut off all ties with my mother and most of my family members, I still worry about them. I also know I can not put up with their hurtful ways towards my family and I anymore.
Hi AutumnRose,
you are welcome and that is great that information has helped.
Regarding our empathy for them …
This resource may help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-if-the-narcissist-is-a-family-member/
And also know the NARP Program releases all those hooks – Module 6 especially is exactly about what you are talking about. Check it out here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending blessings and healing.
Mel xo
I am not a narcissist!
I am not a narcissist! I deal with a lot of self doubt, that came on strong after going NC, I still sometimes have thoughts of “‘maybe I am the one who’s an ass, maybe I was over reacting”. Then it’s useful to pull out evidence of the N behavior to remind myself of their part/my part. Even though I have done things I regret and am shameful about, I am not a narcissist.
Thank you! I am NOT the Narcissist!
I have just recently seperated from what i believe to be a narcissist and through reading things about it, i started asking myself that very question, am I the narcissist? No!
I can’t thank you enough right now for easing those fears and doubts. 💜
Hi Bec,
I am so pleased this helped!
Mel xo
I am co-dependent, but not a narcissist. Thank you for clarifying that. You have also clarified that my wife of 25 years is definitely suffering from NPD. I say suffering, because she has really made terrible choices. Her affair partner has been in jail since October and she is now living in his house waiting for him to get out. Worst part is that he has plead guilty to assaulting a woman for the 2nd time. My wife is a feminist. Why would she be with a guy who abuses women? Of course, she believes that he is innocent of both assaults, even though he asked my wife to take screen shots of the victim’s Facebook messages stating that she has a rape fantasy. If the only thing that you did was try to gently guide someone by the arm out of your house, I am not sure why you would use a rape fantasy as your defense. My wife is very intelligent, but he has her wrapped around his finger. He has been in jail for other assaults and a couple dui’s also. Only person who visits him in jail is my wife. She is the only one that he can call. All his family has cut him off. Her narcissistic needs have led her down a path of destruction, which I fear is going to turn out very badly for her. I am deep in the abuse recovery. I can’t let her go. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop hoping that she will come back. Worst of all, I fear for her safety. If a guy gets arrested for assaulting two woman, there have probably been others. How long until my wife is his next victim? I wish there was a way that I could help her heal, but I realize that isn’t possible. Maybe is she crashes and burns, she’ll have an epiphany and want to fix herself, but I fear that will never happen. Unfortunately, her issues have left four victims in its wake…our two children, myself, and ironically herself. Oh, and at least one of my sons is definitely suffering from emotional abuse. He is in counselling and getting better, but it sucks to have been in the dark for so long. Not recognizing the abuse that I was suffering and not doing anything about it for so long sucks, but allowing my son to suffer the abuse for so long too without doing anything to stop it is kind of heartbreaking.
Success!! I did really well yesterday in court and was heard, even though my voice would not come out as I wanted it to. I’m getting my voice back. I deserve to be listened to. The judge told my nex to stop talking. That was a good start. I do have empathy and I feel conscious of the world around me. And, I have self-love. <3
Hi Ann,
that is wonderful.
Big kudos to you!
Mel xo
Co-Dependents don’t stir up unnecessary trouble, being that they are already self-reflecting individuals. Therefore, the key phrase is “Self-Reflective”.
Mel,
Let me start by saying I am not a narcissist! That feels amazing to say, after almost 20yrs of marriage and feeling like I was going crazy for the last 8-10yrs of the marriage, this information supplied by you and the other people have absolutely enlightened me as to what I have been feeling. After years of being accused of being the “bad one” and the adulterer and almost succumbing to the abuse to the point of planning my own end (thank god I didn’t), I stumbled onto your blog and opened up a huge understanding within myself and learning that I have a lot of work to do on myself in order to heal. I recently moved out and told her that I am no longer willing to live with someone that does not respect me or the sanctity of marriage. I am no longer willing to live with someone who deflects her inner demons at me in order to deny responsibility for her abuse, adulterous behavior and alcoholism. The biggest reasons I stayed besides not loving myself enough was our children and much to my surprise, the more I watch them and listen to them, they get it and tell me on numerous occasions “don’t worry dad, it’s not your fault”. Again, thank you for what you provide all of us and most of all I have to thank her for the “gift” and waking me up and helping me realize I need to love myself before I can love anyone else.
Hi Kevin,
I am so pleased you found this Community and that my work has helped.
You are a very special soul
Kevin and I wish you and your children all the happiness, joy, love and success possible.
You’ve got this Dear Man.
Mel xo
Thank you for this article. I do just want to add though that “getting into a relationship”isnt the only way one can experience narcissistic people. And that it isnt our choice sometimes. My mother is the epitome of a narcissistic human beong and my entire life I have had to deal with it. Finay at 30 I jad enough self love to cut ties because it was slowly breaking me as a person. That relationship didn’t happy because I chose ot or because I didnt allow self love. But thank you for the insight nonetheless.
Hello
My English is not really good but anyway I want to share something about my experience to heal my self inner.
So here is my message😉
I’ve been married with a narcisstique man for over 17years, I asked for divorce and even if I had a bad time after it for all what he did to me, I came back with my 3 kids to Belgium after beeing my hall life in Africa, coming back with nothing left, no money… I was happy of myself and knew that I will have a better life even if I had to start again from scratch.
I started going to a therapist, spiritual lady and found myself, I went studying again, and I always promissed myself that I would always take care for my kids even he was manipulating them , I didn’t want to see him anymore even when he came to take the kids, I was hiding, I protected myself becouse I didnt want him to put me down in front of the kids and I talked a lot with the kids about that, I told them that they could still see theyre father couse he will stay they father and that they will need the time to see who he really are. I now know that I went in this relation becouse my father is also a narcistique man, I only descover that now, even if the rest of the familly is telling is my mom’s fault, but at the end you start to understand who is the narcisstique one. My mother became like my father and that hurts, but now sinds I’ve been alone in Belgium becouse my family is living in africa, and they don’t have any control over me becouse I want to find my inner self without having to explain all about my life.
It’s taking a lot of effort and a lot of strenght but at the end of the day I can see results and happy with who I am
I always had a dream, and working hard for that, I now know for sure I will make it with poeple who wants me to evoluate, to grow and to be myself again, My ex always told me I was too much sensytive and I couldn’t help everybody all the time, but now I’m happy of that and like to help poeple and share the things I learned.
A good book to read is ” the man who wanted to be happy” from laurent gounelle, French righter but his books are the best to heal your inner self and to go for your dreams, and at a moment you start to pardon the man who abused of you. Once you pardon your past than you start to live again. I’m in that moment now, the wounds are healing even if I don’t want to see him anymore.
So just keep telling yourself that you are a strong person becouse you had the courage to go away and start again with a new life.
Only you can make it.
Vanou
Hi Vancou,
That is wonderful that you are creating a healthy life for you and your children.
Thank you for your share and your English was more than adequate.
Sending you continued power and blessings.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
Well I have just been devouring all your blogs and all the help and support, everything resonates so well – it’s clear what I am going through and more to the point why. You have a wonderful way with words that makes it all so easy to understand.
I had no idea that I needed to help myself – that I had inner wounds, but all my relationship choices now make sense. I think I must having been looking for lost souls to fix as you say so I could replay the things that didn’t work for me in childhood. I have now discovered through your healings that although my parents are together still after 50 years and I thought I had a good childhood because of that (therefor no reason at all to have any issues), I do have issues and they have all started to come out. I have been so surprised how much has come up from my subconscious and things have now been verified that I probably wouldn’t have ever remembered in my conscious mind – it’s amazing.
It seems it’s all to do with my mum and I am now understanding so much, doing a lot of unexpected crying during healings (as I thought there couldn’t be any issues with me – so many other people have far more damaging childhoods).
I’m not religious and am very logical and need scientific proof but you can not argue when your body starts reacting and you feel strong pangs and painful emotional charges – it’s so true how much better you feel after.
I am also very surprised my reactions to things about the Narcissist are also getting less, I hope one day they will be gone and I can stay away from all the mental torture and abuse.
However you worked all this out I don’t know but it DOES work and I for one are so so grateful to you for sharing it.
Thank you Melanie x
Awww Jane,
I am so pleased you are on this journey to unravel, heal and put an end to painful relationship patterns.
It takes courage, yet it is the only way to truly do it!
Big kudos to you, you’ve got this and please know you are so welcome!
You’re right it does work, and once upon a time there is no way I would have thought it does!
Today, fortunately I totally get why it does!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am not the narcissist.
I am NOT a narcissist. I have loved one, however. I loved him very generously, in fact. Considering the circumstances. Even in spite of all the pain and confusion of this aftermath, I keep having this growing sense that there is something important to be understood in the fact that my heart could love him. If this good heart could love that mean man, then it can most certainly love me!
I fear that I am a victim narcissist. I grew up in a home where my father was an overt narcissist and my mother covert. My wife pointed out to me yesterday that I too, being raised by two narcissistic parents display signs of being a victim narcissist. This tends to cause alot of fallout in my marriage and my relationship with my oldest son who is 7 is suffering as well. If anyone knows of any resources to help me recover (if this is possible) from this please help. I love my family I want them to be happy. Thank you
I am not the narcissist. I am empathic and kind and I try to do the right thing. You are not/do not. You tried to make me believe that I was not a good person because I had a rough background/bad childhood. Even though you won’t change and I still have to deal with your actions, I now know that it’s not me and I can choose to not react. I am happier. And I am the same person I always was–good.
Hi.
This makes a lot of sense. I realize I do the codepend thing. With my the N in my life and with other relationships as well.
So now the hard part is coming to terms with lack of self worth and old wounds that make me believe that my worth comes from other people thinking I am nice or helpful. I have spent many years trying to be good , helpful to others and being perfect to get a compliment (love)
I have some work to do I realize. Thanks for sharing these “Day n” messages
John
My husband and I have been battling separation for a year now. I have been battling it I should say. He had decided he just didn’t want to be married. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He moved out officially in December. April 1st 2018 my 19 year old hung himself in my kitchen. He and I had been arguing about talking to my ex all the time. That day the ex fueled the fire and the last message he sent my son was a definition of Narcissist. He was not his biological father, he had been engaging with him to keep tabs on me for days prior and I found out about it and wanted it to stop. That’s what my son and I were arguing about. I have four older children and my husband had two younger children that I had been Co-raising for 6 years prior to him removing them and never returning with them. Since my son’s service my husband has served me with divorce papers and committed to the silent treatment or “no contact” as if he read on google that is how to rid his life of a narcissist. Meanwhile, I am left to mourn the death of my child, my marriage and my step-children…alone. When I sent message after message begging him to talk to me he blocked me when I went to our other home and knocked on the door crying and begging him to talk to me so I could have the strength to keep going he called the police on me. I have had to seriously look at myself and question if this is me. The thing is, before him I was married for 17 years to an alcoholic who I still live but couldn’t be married to. He was married briefly before multiple acts of infidelity and then leaving. I have days now when I can not get out of bed and function. He has a new girlfriend. He is making money hand over fist and I’m barely surviving. He cashed the check for my son’s life insurance policy without blinking an eye. Has not reached out to me or my other 4 children or my 7 grandchildren to see how we are doing one time. He has everyone he knows “not speaking” to me like I’m evil, and he is the victim. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Every time I start to breathe I feel like my attorney calls and I get punched in the gut again. I didn’t want the divorce even … he did. Now I just want to wake up and this all have been a bad dream. I’m not a narcissist! I thought he was struggling with PTSD and needed help. I didn’t want to leave him if he was sick. I had no idea at the time what I was really dealing with. He’s not the charming, loving man I met, who thought I walked on water and would have done anything for me. That man doesn’t exist. Heartbroken and missing my son in Florida </3
Awwww Liz,
My heart goes out to you and regarding your dear son.
Liz I’d love to help support you if I can and connect you to some relief and healing.
If you can Dear Lady here is my free healing resources for you to start reading https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank You, Melanie, for your insight and article here on whether “I” am the narcissist. I was about to…share my experience ( haha ), but will agree to your request not to be a symbolic broken record to your ear.
( I will say that I have needed, in my opinion, to analyze many times over the details about my brother, as well as past girlfriends, because each of them accused me of being a narcissist, or in so many words. And I have made many, many attempts to be open to the possibility, in my attempts to own up, and learn from the damaged relationships I had with each. Plus, part of the great confusion is, as you alluded to, what displays of narcissism are “healthy” and what are not. I was hoping you would elaborate more on what is “healthy” in this article; I didn’t see it. Amateur psychologists, i.e. people seeking to get out from under the thumb of narcissistic abusers, experience a rush of power and often start calling almost everyone around them a narcissist. The world is FULL of them!? I can understand coming upon a new level of understanding being thrilling, but time needs to temper it with a greater breadth and depth of truth, greater accuracy. It did take me many, MANY years to identify the grandiosity and entitlement and lower empathy and superiority over me displayed by my brother and different women I dated. In my attempts to take “personal responsibility” for my disowned portions of self, I have seen greater clarity of self, increased self-love, an empowering kind of standing up straighter and a building confidence in lowering the volume, wasting far less time on fruitless conflict, maintaining space to be me and protect myself. The Problem I keep stumbling over: What if your sibling or partner is not a full-blown narcissist, but mid-level? Seeming to be taking some steps of personal responsibility, yet still holding me as “the” narcissist and scapegoat. I prize loyalty, especially with family, but…..I don’t see much of a relationship with my brother if he basically stays the same the rest of his life. I’ve been too sick/depressed/stressed over his treatment of me. Any ideas on how to count the costs, what personal responsibility means with a not-seemingly-full-blown narcissist? )
Great article… only problem is that only non- Narcs would read it as any Narcissist would immediately deny possessing any of the stated characteristics. Narcs can not be rehabilitated as they don’t see a problem so why put in the work? But yeah, Melanie always worthwhile reading your thoughts on NPD !
Hi Melanie,
I am new to this community and I feel so confused right now reading about narcissism and co-dependency and your article helped me a lot. I cried reading it because I was really thinking I was the narcissist. But I will keep reading the questions and answer them each time I feel my mind clutters. I see know why I was always helping animals growing up. And I now know I am not “emotionally retarded” or “stupid” – like some people said to me – because I can feel animals and people`s pain. I am grateful to the Universe to have brought your wisdom and help into my life!
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart again and I hope that your work and healing energy reaches more and more people all over the world!
And I wish you all the best healing!
Georgiana. 🙂
Hi Georgiana,
I am so pleased this helped Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am not a narcissist, I’m a co dependant that has been subject to narcissistic abuse by someone I thought loved me. But he will not break me & im ready to speak to my child, heal my inner wounds & move forward with my life.
I’m not the narcissist! I am committed to my healing. I understand I act codependently and have attracted many romantic narcissistic partners in my life. I have been married for 12 years and am finally willing to leave whatever I have to behind (except my dog) to end this relationship. I know it will be tough but I have been reading and going to therapy for this for several years now.
I am sad that this marriage wasn’t what I’d hoped and I am committed to grieving the fantasy I had in my head.
I am at a place that blaming and finger pointing are useless and won’t assist in my healing. We danced a sick dance and I am ready to move on. I am committed NOT to make this same mistake again. I WILL heal.
My mother and father were narcissists and I understand why I think like I do. They are dead and I don’t need or have to live in their shadows any longer. I am an adult now and am capable and responsible for my own well-being.
I have made a commitment to my therapist to go No Contact when I leave. The attorneys can handle the rest.
Thank you, Mel
I’m so grateful I came across this today. I dated a man for 2 years whom I had really loved and thought was my best friend and basically lived with me. He would make hurtful comments, lash out at me when he was angry about everything,accused me of sleeping with neighbor guys, he was often sexting others in my home, he had sexual relationships for 6 months with a married ex and also an older neighbor all while being with me and swearing exclusivity to me, even slept with these women and came to me same day right after 🙁 I found everything out in April and he swore he loved me but wasnt ready for a serious commitment but he would never cheat again. He ended things in June. I went no contact and got angry pissed of texts, then nice, now acts as if he hates me and accuses me of lying and that i must be seeing someone else. ( im not but why does he care when he ended things) I have been a complete wreak the past month and 1/2, actually I guess the past 2 years, trying to figure out what is wrong with me, why Im not good enough, why he has no remorse for anything he did, why I even still care etc. I pondered if I was narcissistic for he always said I was a manipulator whenever I told him how I felt, Ive never cheated, havent lied, and after reading this It has helped me realize that this man has completely mentally F’d me up and I need help for I am destroying myself over this 🙁 I am so angry, so hurt and I just want to heal
Awww Sherri,
I hear you so much sweetheart, I went through pretty much everything you have described with narcissist number 2. Many people have experienced what you have.
Sherri I want you to know with all my heart that you can start accessing relief and healing, and I’d love to hold your hand and help you achieve this.
The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It’s your time to heal Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you very much for your insightful and very helpful article. I myself have agonized if it is I who am the “monster” as it were. But your article helped to bring me back in focus and show that I do have unhealed wounds that need to be addressed but that I am not beyond redemption as I learn to care for myself and allow my wounds to be healed. Thank you so much for allowing yourself to be a vessel of healing in this pitiless world.
Hi David,
It’s my pleasure.
I love that the Thriver message, regarding living free from our wounds makes sense to you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Can I just say how eerie it is to read something written so accurately and to realize that what I am experiencing is textbook. The information you have provided through your blogs has functioned as a lifeline of sanity in an insane situation. I have suffered from what I now know to be narcissistic/ sociopath abuse for over 26 years. What began as physical abuse turned psychological when my abuser realized the physical left outward marks for others to witness. Now that I have been discarded, I began to believe the words so often spoken by my abuser, that I was the narcissist. I am so grateful for finding this source of validation. My therapist told me the mere fact I was worried about it precludes me from the diagnosis, but when you hear something for so long, you begin to believe it. Thank you for speaking the truth about narcissistic abuse and giving those of us recovering a glimmer of hope!
Thank you! This reminds me of the day I decided to leave the narcissist. I remember thinking, “I don’t like the person I great am becoming in this relationship.” I don’t want to be a person who wishes harm to someone else, who uses someone else.” I asked myself how I would feel if I continued to live this way until the day I died. OMG! Light bulb moment! I realized I would have missed out on life! So I got out of there and started to live. I wish I had found a guide like you earlier because it hasn’t been an easy journey. You are so right that it does no good to recount the horrors of the abuse. We simply waste more precious hours of life that way. Life is such a gift! And so are others who want to live their best lives and want me to live my best life. Those are the kind of people I look for now. Bless you, Melanie, for your incredible healing work.
Melanie, I cannot tell you how helpful this is. My story mirrors those you’ve read a thousand times. I am not the narcissist. I can heal my wounds. I am willing to do the hard work. I do not EVER want to be in this place again. I want to believe in myself, and be a better version of myself. I want to be loved. I no longer want to search for validation that he was correct about me. I want to search within myself for validation that I am worthy. I feel manic as I’m writing this, looking for a life boat, but I am willing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you-
Hello!!
This is all new to me, this site and emails have helped educate me so much, into what I went through being with a narcissist and what I need to do to heal my own self. I like many have been told I am crazy, abusive and need to let go…
I was feeling like, “maybe it is me, what am I not seeing in myself, what have I done to be treated this way?” Anyway, after A LOT of reading and this article included, I know who I am, I am in touch with my deeper self, and each day is more and more connected.
Thank you for the validation that your articles provide to me.
Thank you for your fabulous emails of information on narcs!
I AM NOT A NARC! I am committed to be conscious of my behaviour and detaching from my husband this year. I’m still not sure how to end the marriage and what damage it’s done to my 2 precious girls but I am comitted to healing me and setting some goals to achieve for myself. I lost my mojo last year with terrible drunken abuse due to my husbands breakdown from an injury and I realise he and his parents have always been narcs! 😬🤦♀️
Thank you for helping me in so many ways. After being married to a Narc for 18 years and then leaving I started dating and thought I had found my soul mate. After almost 3 years together and being engaged for 18 months I discovered the mask she was wearing. It was a multi layered narc mask and I was a shell of what I should be. She used my openness, honesty and love again me to beat me down to a waste of a person. I discovered your site and have taken so many of your sessions and have diligently worked with my therapist and your emails etc. to now fully understand that she only was there to show me I was never healed from my marriage of 18 years. I have suffered beyond belief at the hands of this young lady for 3 years and I am finally free. It has been one of the most painful experiences as I am so hooked into wanting to be her supply and didnt know it.
BUT I KNOW IT NOW! and I am healing at a incredible rate. I am so thankful for the information you are sharing to so many of us who have dealt with Narcs.
Thank you so much!
Hi Kevin,
I am so happy for you that you are coming out of the fog and soooo getting there!
It’s not an easy journey but the breakthroughs are so worth it.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am not a narcissist. I am searching for love and validation for someone who does not love or validate themselves so , how could they possibly love and validate me. It is self sabotaging and an ego feeding proposition.
I am not a narcissist. I no longer seek validation or approval outside of myself. If people don’t like what happy looks like to me because it makes them uncomfortable that is not my problem. The choices I make to be happy don’t involve hurting others. They do however involve putting other people’s responsibility for things THEY need to do themselves back on them rather than expect me to do it for them.
Melanie,
I needed this – thank you so very much.
I am not a narcissist. I am a codependent with very low self-esteem. I have had an insecure covert narcissist tearing me down for months, sending me into financial ruin, picking me apart at every turn, not compromising on anything. She has made me feel starved for love, and still I have so much to give her, even after all the pain.
I began telling her lies – not for personal gain or malice, but to shield myself from arguments, because it was easier than to deal with her extreme insecurity. I can’t even think of hanging out with a female friend, I wouldn’t dare tell her. I’m not a cheater, I don’t want anyone but her. She insists constantly that I’m cheating, that I’m contacting exes regularly, which is absolutely insane when viewed from the outside. I have been completely infatuated with her, I haven’t even so much as looked at another woman for 8 months now, I spend all my weekends with her.
She broke up with me two weeks ago after finding some posts I had written on Reddit about dealing with a highly insecure, depressed, (possibly) bipolar alcoholic. Even for two weeks after, she insists I “get help” and keeps telling me I am a narcissist and that I used her. I asked her several times: “If we’re done for good, just say so and I’ll never bother you again – you won’t hear another word out of me.” She can’t say it with finality. She tells me how much I hurt her, and how horrible a person I am. She punishes me but keeps me hanging on to hope. She asserts that I always play the victim, and that she’s the hurt party.
After reading some of your blogs I have concluded that SHE is the covert narcissist, and has been projecting herself onto me. She claims to be 100% honest at all times, and I have never caught her in a lie…but I no longer believe this. She can be very affectionate in public but not anywhere near her work or local hangouts. she has completely destroyed my boundaries, I have given up so much of myself and the things I love for her. She has been using me to feed her ego, to escape from her narcissistic mother at home, and will drop me as soon as someone she prefers comes along. She’s never made me feel like I’m #1. Strangely, after two weeks of tearing me apart, she texts me: “Are you mad at me?” and “Why do I feel like you hate me?” She’ll soften and be kind for a short period of time, but after she’s been ruminating and we get on the phone, she tears me down again and hangs up/shuts me out.
So here I am, with a lot of work to do. She even had me questioning whether I was the covert narcissist – she’s the one who taught me the term. I am absolutely not a narcissist, but I am very insecure and codependent. And, as horrible as she’s been to me, I’m so painfully infatuated with her that I am still glued to my phone, hoping she’ll reach out to me, good or bad. I am having such a hard time getting over her – after the breakup she told me she never thought she would love a man again until she met me. And I thought of how wonderful it would be to be truly in love. She won’t ever be that person.
Thanks again. I will get through this.
Hi Daniel,
You are welcome and I’m so pleased this helped and that you see unravelling all of this and starting to understand the truth.
My highest suggestion is to connect to
my inner transformational resources. They will help you at this time a lot: http://www.melanietonievans.com/freecourse
Sending strength and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much for this article, I left my ex but let her convince me into carrying on as a couple in a relationship but living apart, but two weeks after moving out, yes , you guessed it, she dumped me, by text.
I’ve read constantly about NPD, BPD, Cluster B’s, trying to work out what the hell that relationship was that I’d spent 3 1/2 years in, there were parts (which lead me here) where I genuinely started to question whether I was the narcissist, I was the one with the mental health problems etc etc. in fact right at the start of the relationship, her and her friend (enabler) tried to convince me that something I said was me being a narcissist, something I was forever trying to explain and justify and actually made me revert into my shall a bit for fear of being further branded.
So, for me, it was a blessed relief to read this article, some of the examples I can really relate to, I saw it with my own eyes, but :-
The fact I could reflect on my part in the break up, accept responsibility for it and apologise to her (she never has with regards to her controlling manipulative behaviour which lead me there, the subsequent smear campaign etc)
The fact I suffered terribly with “dumpers guilt” from my initial actions and found it incredibly difficult to move on, whereas she moved on pretty much the moment I left her house
The fact I was able to question my own moral compass and many more things, seems to show me that I shouldn’t have to question myself.
I have my faults, I know that, but when they rear their ugly head, I am remorseful, feel shame, even when I know I’ve responded to circumstances appropriately, but I know essentially I’m a decent human being, but it’s always good to have certain things confirmed and something for me to work with and look towards the future, I still love my ex, far more than she deserves, especially given the ferocity and vindictiveness of her smear campaign, but I know now, she never really loved me, I just fulfilled a role.
Thank you
As many, I wondered if it was me. I began to question my own actions and motives.
I have my faults, narcissism is not one of them.
Still working on the co-dependency and now have some powerful tools.
I have been on a life-long journey of greater self awareness. I don’t think someone who is deeply narcissistic can honestly say this as it requires regularly tearing down, examining, and rebuilding the belief systems, and admitting there are some big problems that acknowledgement, acceptance and self-love will heal.
I also believe the painful breaking away process from my two years of narcissistic abuse is helping me explore and heal my own wounding. For that, I can be truly grateful. Without his abuse, I doubt I would have been able to reach so deeply, clearing and healing more every day.
In my search for relief, “Healing from Narcissistic or BPD Abuse” is what I was searching and every other site simply described what I already knew. You’re the first I found who brought the emphasis away from the narc and back to our own inner wounds. Healing self is the only way.
Thank you for your work, Melanie.
He called me an emotional abuser today.
He is a text book narcissist who twists the truth rather than see their own actions clearly.
This article gave me a good feeling when I read about empathy and conscience. I have both, he doesn’t. I care about the consequences of my actions. Worrying about getting caught isn’t my deterrent: it’s because acting in a way that would hurt people’s feelings or betray them is antithetical to my values. I would hate to hurt anyone.
He thinks I am that person. But I am not that person.
Thank you for this article a while ago in a heated argument my husband accused me of being a “narcissist” and quote lacking “empathy”. At the time I didn’t really even fully understand what being a narcissist was. After his name calling I started extensively reading on the subject and realized he had these traits he accused me of, for example always wanting to be in control, never apologizing for any wrong doings and way too more to list. When he said this I had to ask myself this question as it concerned me but I know I’m never a narcissist or incapable of empathy (and that I’m still a good person). For now I’m still trying to make this work as despite this there is still a lot of good in him but reading up on how to better deal when he goes into a tyrant, etc.
Thank you for explaining. I see how we can feel like a narcissist and why we question ourselves.
30 years ago I jumped into a marriage with my narc broken parts in hand. 32 years and 4 kids later… he had no more use for me.
Your articles are like gold to me as I’m in no communication stages. Kinda nice here. It’s quiet. I can think and focus. We are separated in the same house. I would not recommend this to anyone.
Your articles have helped my strength and realize my self worth grow. I no longer believe his opinion of me. I’ve noticed out of everyone in my life.. he’s the only one with a total negative picture of me. That’s only 1 out of 100. Yes I suck at managing money and have not always been 100% honest.
Now I watch my money.. and my words.
My struggle now is trusting people’s motives.
Thank you for this. Watching the narcissist look happy with their new supply makes me wonder if the demise of the relationship was my fault, and that maybe I was the “bad” one. Posts like this help me to see that I am not the narcissist and I am going to heal and be okay.
This brought me to tears. I am learning that I have the right to say, “No.” Still having a little problems with motive. I know that was projection, but I’m a deep thinker and tend to question my motives. Did I pay for the person’s meal behind me at a fast food place for the thrill of them getting a free meal and having no idea who I was for THEIR enjoyment or was it because it brought ME joy to think of how they felt? Stupid questions, I know. Yeah, I go there. Hahaha
Hi there Melanie,
I’ve been reading all your posts with MUCH interest whilst on holiday!! The narcissist in my life is my mother and I have to admit I had definitely started to question whether I was narcissistic too. (It would seem logical to me having been brought up by one). Your article has really put my mind at rest so thank you so much for that!
I totally agree with you that dwelling on the narcissists previous behaviour is completely futile and that we can only start to heal if we focus on ourselves… which I fully intend to do
I have a question for you though if I may… Just before holiday, things came to a head with my mother. Long story short: we argued, she hurled accusations. I completely ignored it and didn’t respond (my attempt at trying to starve her of supply). This “worked” sort of… but resulted in her sending me a very grovelling email begging for us to “be friends” again. Having just read a lot of your blogs, I resisted responding for a few days and then just before we came away I sent her an email to tell her that I had read her email but that I needed time to think. I also said that perhaps we could talk after we got back from holiday (probably the wrong thing to do I realise now)
The thing is she will now see the ball as “being in my court”… she’ll be expecting me to suggest a time to meet up…
I do feel I need to set boundaries with her and that this will probably require a discussion of sorts. I wanted to ask what your thoughts were about a facilitated meeting with a family counsellor? Would you advise this? If not what other course of action would you suggest?
Many thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
Laura (UK)
Hi Laura,
You are very welcome and I’m so pleased this article has helped.
Laura, if your mother is a narcissist traditionally counselling sessions could be used as a tool against you.
Counsellors do not enforce boundaries and hold people accountable – only you have the power to do that for yourself.
My greatest suggestion is to focus on detachemmet and healing which can also conincide with a very honest message to her, that you absolutely would love to have a more loving, honest relationship with her that works, and if that can be, then state respectfully and loving what your limits are now.
Meaning what you will and won’t accept.
And mean it. If she doesn’t comply then detach. Then you will have granted her the opportunity to rise and meet you lovingly and
respectfully … or not.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💞💛
Thank you so much. I started crying as I read this because I’ve been so afraid I was the narcissist. When I was 24 that my mother had been telling every potential mentor and role model in my life (particularly other women) that I was “needy” and, if they let me, I’d take up all their time. I found out she had also been implying that I’m mentally handicapped or have a personality disorder. I never knew and never understood why my role models’ and mentors’ attitudes toward me changed suddenly.
I diagnosed with PTSD from long-term abuse last year and I have a long road of recovery. This article really made me realize I am me and, though the abuse has created parts of me and behaviors I don’t like, I have a choice in all of it. I like many of the parts of me including a strong sense of self-awareness, strong ethics, and very real altruistic motivation for much of what I do.
Thank you again!
Thank you!!.. I have been battling with this question for some time now.. I believed that my wife and I both are narcissist after she asked me for a divorce, accusing me of being abusive and then just merrily moving on as if nothing happened. I am trying very hard to heal my wounds past and present with the help of mens groups. I feel lost sometimes and feel like it’s a neverending process and can’t see any progress. I needed to know this and also that progress takes time.
Strongs to all recovering from this terrible ordeal!
What a great post this is. I have learned to love and embrace the damaged child within, once I was enlightened in the truth. I have forgiven myself and love myself. I am full inside now and accepted what was or has been. It is what it is. I am whole and walk in the truth. I do not look to the outside for self-validation. Only I can give myself that. I am who I am and love myself, all of myself. I cannot have narcissists around me because they are not of my caliber. I only want to be around those that know who they are and walk in the truth. Great post.
Thank you so much for sharing such truly important life saving, deep understanding of codependency and narcissism. Before I found your teachings I barely knew anything about Narcissist’s and psychology in general and I was suffering deeply in an abusive relationship with a woman that had many disorders including bipolar depression, anxiety and ptsd. I love her deeply but I was completely overwhelmed and bewildered by everything that she was suffering from. I completely lost myself watching her trying to figure out her issues in therapy and meetings of all kinds and seeing her making zero progress in her recovery and jeopardizing herself further with addicts and psychopaths that she found her supply in. Our relationship eventually ended for 14 months til we reunited again in June.
I spent the past year facing my trauma and healing my fears and wounds and the past few years learning everything I can about psychology and narc disorders, pmdd and prescription pills.
Since we were first together 5 years ago and while apart I dated no one and still deeply loved her and hoped that I could contribute to her and my recovery by being more understanding and emotionally stronger than before and hoped to share much of what I have been learning with her.
Our past four months back together have been better than ever before, still challenging at times and at times there is nothing I can do to help her understand the constancy of love that I feel for her.
Your teachings have completely changed my life and made it possible for us to strengthen and heal our relationship and traumas and without your teachings intelligence, heart and deep understanding I’d still be completely broken and miserable and had lost myself.
Today I feel better and understand so much more that I feel I can now begin the constructive necessary therapy necessary to change our lives for the better forever.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the tools to reclaim my true self and to begin to heal us both.
I was worried that I too was a narcissist but after reading this article, I now know that I am not. You can’t imagine the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know now that I need to heal those damaged parts of me and I have a base idea of how to do that now. Thank you for all you do.
It’s my pleasure Gale,
and I’m so pleased you are feeling relief.
I encourage you if you haven’t already to check out my free webinar to find out how to detox and heal quickly and powerfully.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar . Or, if you are ready to just get going on the most direct way to do this – NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is the most powerful way I know of to help you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you. I am going to focus on loving my unloved parts by making music every day, something I have been longing to do for YEARS! I am eating well, working hard (and loving it) and am single for the first time in decades and planning to stay that way, to give my heart the chance to heal. Thank you for your kind wisdom. I needed this!
I am not the Narcissist!! As I write this he’s telling me that I’m a narcissist!! I have been with him for 34 years and married to him for 31 year’s!! If It wasn’t for my children and grandchildren I would have killed myself years ago!! I’ve been with him since I was 14 year’s old!!
Hi
I still am not sure. I do have a conscience. In fact I often re-live incidents in which I was ashamed, irrational, abusive etc even from 40 years ago. Its the empathy thing Im not sure about. I know I used to have good empathy and would act on it, often to my own detriment but now I don’t help others as much at all. I think I may have become “feelingless” and cold in many ways and I wonder if I am narcissistic or have I just “shut down’ due to this overwhelming trauma bond with my husband. Can one such as me develop narcissism? Learn narcissism as a way of coping with deep confusion, grief and chronic fear. Am I in it to win? No I am aware that we are all losing in my situation. I know I should have left years ago but was unable to. I know I should leave now but I feel unable to. I drive up my own fears about being alone and not having the lifestyle I now have. Yes I have lost the ability to see any light at the end of the leaving tunnel.
I have lots of negative thoughts about others being “weak” and not stepping up or taking responsibility (transference). I am aware when I don’t help when I could have and I do feel bad about this later and use this to berate myself as explained above. I feel a physical hardening in my body when this awareness is present but I feel like I need my energy for me. I feel resentment for others when things seem easy for them. I also ask myself ” have I learned this from him and am I becoming just like him?” I remember being shocked the first time my husband (then boyfriend) was abusive but I no longer am surprised by anything. I know he is unreasonable and does not meet my needs. I know I am withholding and I can behave appallingly. We just get into these awful no win arguments about nothing. And nothing changes.
I do know now that I have been in an abusive relationship for 30 years, with all its subsequent effects and I am aware that I am responsible for these. In fact I know I have behaved appallingly towards him in the past and I am ashamed about it. I do wonder if I am basically a horrible person. I have quite severe social anxiety with self talk like “why would he/she want to know me?”.
Hi Isobel,
Sweetheart, please know that all of this didn’t like the person we become when we looked in the mirror after being abused.
When we are damaged inside, we are not going to put our best foot forward or be a completely lovely person, at all.
The real question is are we going to do the inner work to reverse the trauma damage inside of ourselves so that we can emerge as a whole, functional and healthy human being?
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoiaevans.com/freewebinar to find out more about this, and how you can be whole, healthy and feel sane again!
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Melanie Tonia Evans,
I am not a Narcissist. I am an empathetic co dependent of family Mother first, then Husband and probably Mother-in-law and most likely now my only child my 27 year old son. I finally realized it began with MY mother. I am so thankful to you MTE, you are a true light in the world of us SURVIVORS‼️ Thank you and I so look forward to each new day of my healing and learning to love me instead of being the scapegoat. I have lost the most important thing of all…self pity and being a victim.
Survivor,
Renee’
Benton, Arkansas
You truely have wisdom, thank you for sharing as it was said Proverbs 2:12 Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are pervers, 2:13 who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, 2:14 who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, 2:15 whose paths are crooked and who are devious (lie/trick) in their ways.
Proverbs 2:16 Wisdom will save you also from adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words.
I feel sorry for the dog. Sounds like the only intelligent sentient being in this scenario.
“I am NOT a Narcissist”
I took me almost 5 years to the date of my start and ending of a relationship, with a Narcissist. Why didn’t I read this years ago when the flags started arising
I found this googling this exact question.
All I can say is Thank you – for the first time in a couple months I feel like maybe I’ll be ok.
Nice victim blaming in the end of the article. I dont think its your fault you ended up with someone narcissistic. Its not because your lack of self love. Its not because of your disowned parts. Its not because of codependency. Its because you were looking for love. You dont need to heal from that. You were manipulated because you trust people. All of this is normal and healthy. Of course, if this is a pattern of your life, then it might be something you should maybe look little deeper.
I think the only way to become immune to narcissists is to stop trusting people alltogether. Personally I dont want to do that so by believing that people in general have good intentions I always make myself a potential target. And its worth of it.
thank you, I am not the narcissist and I want to love myself again. Today is the day I start!
Hi,
It is only recently I have begun to become aware I have been in a narcissistic relationship for twenty years. Reading this article has also made me realise I have a narcissist parent, too. I’ve have driven myself mad wondering: is it me or him? Am I the bad one? And even all my life wondered why it is I’m such a bad and unlikeable person. I realise having read this, it is not that I am unlikeable, it’s that I’ve been an easy target for abuse for other people’s issues they have failed to process effectively. I’ve allowed myself to be an emotional punchbag.
I’ve suffered a lot of anxiety and depression the last decade, particularly, and is something I hadn’t realised the extent of until I sought to remedy all the negativity and feel better about myself. I realised I cannot change my partner and his behaviour, I can only change me — my own outlook and way of doing things, and stop being drawn into a game where I don’t make the rules and always end up worse off.
I couldn’t afford therapy, but I came across a man called Michael Sealey on Youtube who makes sleep hypnosis videos. For two years I have listened to them every night and I truly do feel more positive within, despite the continuing abuse I have been subjected to. In fact, having read this article, and others, and learning about NPD, I’ve realised the abuse has become more severe as I’ve begun to change, not listen to the put-downs, refused to accept the blame for what is not my fault and generally stopped dancing to his tune, or where I have called it out for what it is. Despite that, I feel so much stronger inside right now and am focusing on myself, what I want to do with my life and working hard to get there. I hope I can maintain this current wave I’m riding
I’m not saying I am completely out of the woods right now, and I’m still getting my head around the realisation I’m living with a narcissist (who wants to admit it, especially during their ‘charm’ cycles?), but reading articles like this assures me I am not going mad, I recognise the patterns of behaviour (so much!!) and I can move forward in my own life regardless of my captor’s attempts to bring me down.
I just wanted to share this with others — I’ve begun to change the negative internal message that was reinforced by my partner and my parent, and it is working. The situation is extremely complicated (isn’t it always), so I don’t think I’ll be single for a while, but at least now I feel bolstered to withstand the storms and know that it’s not me. It’s him. THEM. I can see from the outside now and I’m getting better at not allowing them to set off my triggers. This is the first time in my life where my mind actually feels close (ish) to healthy, and I never understood how disfunctional it has been until now. Like I just stepped out of the fog into a bright, sunny day (and it’s peeing down outside!)
Anyone else who is only just figuring out their poor relationship dynamic, it can get better, but not until you listen to a different tune and, like the lady says, begin to love yourself, warts n all.
My husband, who I would consider a narcissist although I’ve never called him that to his face, just called me a narcissist AND a sociopath. I sat an cried thinking I really must be because he says everyone says that I am. Our counselor and my friends.
STOP! I tell myself. The fact that I thought it might be true is the bigest indicator that I”m not. Secondly, to a man whose wife left, began setting boundaries and refuses to respond to nastiness would appear like that to him. I seem heartless and self absorbed etc. BUT, it only appears that way because I refuse to let him railroad me, insult me and verbally abuse me.
Thanks for the great article.
This is a beautiful article and I found it at the exact right moment. I am NOT the narcissist! And from this moment on, I claim responsibility for me. For the good parts, the bad parts, and the unhealed parts. I take responsibility for my healing and I commit to loving myself unconditionally every day from now on.
Thank you for this!
Hi Kate,
I am so pleased that this is helped emotionally emancipate you!
If you haven’t as yet, Kate, please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and learn about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It is the most powerful way I know of to get that healing done.
Sending love and incredible breakthrough is to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
The part about the codependent self-disintegrating really hit home. After she (my ex) broke up with me by saying some really hurtful things that affected me negatively. I panicked, was manic, emotionally all over the place, disjointed, and spiraled into depression with a ton of anxiety. Thank you for writing about this, it was the best description I’ve found on what I experienced. Unfortunately I was the one writing and trying to convince her that I had changed, to get her back. I was a shell of my former self, as if my spirit had abandoned me. In my head all I could think of was needing her. Looking back I blame myself for acting the way I did, and regret it. I’m working on self-love and accepting me for my good and my bad. It’s been a year and my emotional wounds are healing, slowly.
Found out a while later she had been seeing another man and integrating with his family while her and I were together, possibly for months.
I may be codependent, but I am not a narcissist!
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you Melanie for writing this. Your articles are so eye-opening and helping me to heal. Much appreciated!
I have often wondered if I am the narcissist since I’ve seen how, yes, I was exhibiting many narcissistic traits. I’ve tried to understand how I could be behaving like this. I feel terrible that I’ve behaved like this. And then I read this article and realize that I’m an empathetic codependent.
My ex has exhibited pretty much, most if not all the traits of a narcissist. His family even told me he was. I didn’t understand at first what they truly meant, until I look back, trying to understand what was happening. However, one question I do have, is maybe I’m wrong. That maybe he’s not actually a narcissist, but another empathetic CO-dependent like myself. How do I know the difference?
Hi Sharon,
narcissists do nasty things.
They don’t have a conscience.
Codependent for sure can act in ways that are not great – but they have a heart.
They make amends, and they don’t want to hurt people.
Narcissists don’t care, it’s a means to an end.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for this article and for accepting me into the NARP family. It’s so true for me that I questioned if I was the narcissist/ monster/ abuser or whatever. And also true that none of the narcissists in question have ever to my knowledge even pondered that about themselves. I have been horrified by how atrocious I have acted out of the pain and I’m immensely grateful for the continuing clarity your blogs and modules bring. Thank you so much.
Hi Zophaya,
you are very welcome!
Much love and sending you healing and breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks, Melanie. Im on the 16 day course.
I have to admit I am confused about myself, I have unconsciously hurt people my whole life (I realize this now with hindsight). I had a terribly miserable childhood and had to push down all my shame at being me, was constantly bullied etc. I then ended up in a very intense relationship (she told me she put above her children and god, twin flames etc stuff Ive never heard before) but she ended up by saying I was a narcissist which is devastating if I am will your course help me.? a psychiatrist said I had narcissistic defensive traits but said I didn’t have npd and he thought I was trying to agree with what she said about me as I was vulnerable (have you come across this before).. I have no sense of who I am and what to do other than I have some hope reading your stuff, thank you
Hi Graeme,
absolutely with inner trauma that drives all of us to not behave as “our best”, the releasing and reprogramming brings wellbeing.
Really the only question is – are you prepared to do that inner work.
If you are, then NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp absolutely will help you
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi melanie,
You spoke about the narscisses not having a conscience that was a light bulb moment for me because my wife and i go to church and to think that she doesn’t have a conscience means that she has walk away from god, so this is very interesting to think about, the Bible talks about a good tree will produce good fruit, and a bad tree will produce bad fruit, the bad cannot produce good and the good cannot produce bad, it doesn’t mean that we won’t make mistakes from time to time, it means that when you look over someone’s life you can see a common thread of goodness that the person is making every effort to make things right, that there is remorse for doing wrong, taking ownership of their mistakes, this is the good fruit someone who has a humble heart, god is love and that means he lacks nothing, he is complete, i am in the process of becoming complete in him lacking nothing, and listening to the points you have been making has really helped me get perspective on what I’m dealing with, my wife has broken heart one of which i thought i could help to fix, but I’m coming to terms that it’s not my job to fix broken people that’s god’s job, i can only show this world what god’s love looks like, thanks again Melanie you have helped me in so many ways with your understanding on what narscissam is and it’s effect on people, may god bless you with Moore wisdom and i hope to see you in heaven one day, Shaun…
I was raised in a family unit of overt narcissist father (verbally and emotionally abusive, mysoginist, takes pleasure in putting others down, especially ME his own daughter) and co-dependant also narcissist mother. I have always stood up to his abuse, first when it was lashed out to my mother (who never defended herself) and then when it diverted all towards me. The emotional pain that I carry is, on many days, quite unbearable, yet I push on thru because I have a teenage daughter (who also has a narcissist father and we are forever battling in court). I have been in therapy for many years, and I have learned a lot on how to deal, manage and protect my daughter and myself….yet the pain the process is unavoidable. How to get rid of the emotional pain caused by narcissists baiting and abusing at every corner….is the major challenge.
Hi Maria,
Please know there is a powerful way to free yourself of the emotional pain and get your soul and life back.
This is what my inner healing work is all about.
Please come into my free webinar where I explain, and take you through this process.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I so hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes, yes, yes.
I am not the narcissist.
Thank you so much ♥️
Hi Deborah,
I’m so pleased that this helped.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
I read your article as well as countless others on this subject and I am still lost. And here’s why. My ex displayed all the characteristics of a narcissist, calling me the worst names in the books, rage, telling me I was selfish, cold, rude, belittling, telling me I would be forever alone. He displayed all the classic patterns: love bombing, devaluing and then discarding me a few times in the relationship. When I would catch him in a lie, once about a woman (although I will never know he cheated), about his drug abuse, about him stalking my house to see if I was home – he would always come clean and say that it was due to his shame, my disapproval, but that he was a bad liar and he always came clean. Which was strange to me, because he only came clean when I would actually catch him in a lie.
Now, cut to why I feel like the narcissist. I didn’t name call, love bomb, but I did comply to a lot of his demands because I felt guilty about maintaining an emotional affair with a male friend. When there with issues with my ex, I would go to my friend to seek the emotional intimacy, the comfort I wasn’t getting in my relationship. So I think I accepted this devaluation and I deserved it, because I was in fact lying and cheating, even if not sexual. I know it doesn’t change his rage, but I feel his paranoia and attacks were ultimately justified. The guilt wrecked me, intensified my need to control (so I wouldn’t be figured out), but at the same time, I almost feel that if i didn’t have this external support – I would have even fallen deeper into the abuse. The external support was the one thing keeping me from realizing that the current treatment I got wasn’t right.
When my ex left me (what I think was the final discard), it was after a horrific fight, tearing me down to the point where I was begging for him to take me back. I believed everything he told me, because of the guilt of the affair. I deserved everything I got. He used codependency reasons to justify why he’d stayed with me way too long, saying that his needs were never met, that I disregarded them. Maybe I did? That he was taking care of my needs not his. But alas, I never felt my needs were met. I just feel like a horrible person because I think that because of the affair, I didn’t give the relationship a fighting chance and made his rage/paranoia ok.
I finally confessed the affair to my close friends and family. I feel sad, remorse and the desire to not want to repeat what just happened. I don’t know why I can’t shake this need to learn if I was the narcissist…maybe its just that important. I’ve asked friends, family, I wonder what your audience has to say.
Hi Taylor,
100% I do not believe you are a narcissist.
You were hooked into a very painful, abusive relationship where you sought external solace.
Who could blame you?
I would so strongly suggest you to consider healing you … and I promise you that is completely able to be achieved no matter how much pain and confusion you are in.
If you come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar I can help you get relief, clarity and your soul back.
It is your time to heal!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie my name is Jeremy and am currently in a failing marriage that has been failing for some time. I’ve denied being a narcissist my whole life. After all how could I be? I’m not a selfish lover, I work hard to support a wife and 6 children the list goes on and on as to why I couldn’t possibly be a narcissist. Your name came up from a passenger of mine (I’m an Uber driver) and I decided to check you out. Most humans are not good at self evaluating their own lives so how do I accurately determine if I am in fact a narcissist? My wife has accused me numerous times of being one and of course I’ve always denied it. She is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met and did come into our marriage with some serious past trauma from her childhood and young adult life. I will admit that I did not hear or see the numerous cries for help she gave throughout our marriage and didn’t do much to help her heal. I would like to begin a path towards helping her heal and hopefully restore the marriage. Addressing my own narcissism I’m sure would be a great place to start. So how do I determine my level of narcissism and what do I do about it? Also how do I know that I’m addressing my issues to truly change or just to try to get my wife back?
Hi Jeremy,
I hear you and thank you for your contact.
Your first step is to come in to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar.
In there you will get clarity and direction. All is explained.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, I appreciated the “ Am I the narcissist blog” If I had one wish. I wish my ex could actually read this and understand the pain she’s put my through. On top of that I wish I could speak to her civilly and respectfully face to face to express my feelings of hurt and truly try to make her understand and truly read what you wrote. I just feel I’m at the point that I’ll never get closure without a straight face to face and heartfelt conversation. It’s important for me to move on mentally and emotionally. What transpired to me was wrong and beyond hurtful. I’ll be fine trust me, but I need her to know the impact, and hurt and effect that it’s put on me emotionally and physically in terms of my health and well being has truly been a horrible thing to do to someone you say you cared about and apparently loved. Ultimately I need that one time conversation, and I’ll be fine.. I’d love to forward your blog but believe me, but I can’t.
Hi Robert,
this is what I promise you with all my heart.
1) you will never get closure from her. and
2) when you heal inside you, you will never again need it.
This actually isn’t about her, it’s about healing you. She was the messenger of what you had not healed within you.
That’s the deeper real truth going on – as it was for all of us.
NARP is the answer http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, Thank you for your reply and comments. All means a lot to me. I could get closure if I confront her once and fore all respectfully however it could get me in trouble which obviously I don’t want. I’m very heavy hearted and sincere, but believe me.. I truly need face to face closure and deserve it with all due respect. This entire ordeal eats at me daily and effected my health and well being. I have no problem letting go, but I sincerely need that last conversation that she’s completely avoided and used extraordinary measures to avoid and moved on very quickly which has destroyed me. Sorry I’m trying to express how I feel and need to get it out. It’s just wrong. You are a saving grace to not only myself but so many in this forum and being able to express ourselves openly and honestly and helping so I just want to say thank you. 🤗
No, I’m not a sad transvestite from Transylvania into cutting the tails off cats.
I was in a 25-year relationship with a woman who is still my best friend. The “spark” had gone out of the relationship and I had some come back from travelling when I met my ex-wife. Within a week she offered me sex and then a week later asked me to move in, out of my home I had shared with my long-term partner. I took the chance, believed in a state of flow and this person who felt she was my “soul-mate” – she then proposed and we were married just 2 months later. I know, I know…I should have seen the warning signs but I have always believed the best in people and thought Narcissists were easy to spot, grandiouse and full of self-important.
I am an empath and a healer and I felt this very strong connection with my ex-wife, that she was into meditation, yoga but after the honeymoon period was over I was hit, she self-harmed during an argument and I began to lose myself. She told me that despite her previous 20+ partners that I was “the one” and she wanted to have family with me. Thankfully, she didn’t get pregnant but I found myself being belittled, put down, called crazy, being misunderstood, judged and controlled. I reacted with anger at times and became emotionally abusive myself.
We still bought our first home together but after just 5 weeks and the day after our 2nd anniversary, she packed up all her things, moved out and moved on with her life. I felt devastated, broken, couples counselling had not worked as I was always made to feel I was the only one to blame. Still, 6 months later I am made to feel solely to blame, being called crazy, emotionally abusive and she has not accepted any responsibility. I have been going through counselling, and am healing but still finding the question – “Did I cause this”, “Does my ex-wife just have her own unhealed trauma”, or is she just narcissistic? She asked if my therapist had uncovered a personality disorder and it made me start to doubt myself and has taken quite some time for me to heal, be able to reach out to friends who know my true authentic self – however, I have found I have lost my faith in people, in love and I am doubtful and mistrustful of women and feel I am looking for “the signs” everywhere.
I had initially asked for “No Contact” for a month or two, but she reached out after just a week or two, saying she was really sick, asking how I was and whether I was “fixed” yet. It really wore me down, a month or so ago I signed up for the NARP program but I still question whether it was me or not that caused these issues somehow. After reading this I realised I was co-dependant in the relationship, and had my own unhealed wounds from childhood – these never resurfaced in my previous long-term relationship as we were both secure and friends with each other for a long time before getting involved.
I realise, and my ex-wife admitted, she is anxious-avoidant and I myself became anxiously attached in the relationship. After trying to have contact again after 5 months, she still remained cold, distant, when all I did was reach out with love. I had tried to arrange to meet, or to start up a friendship and a connection, but then the gaslighting, stone-walling and other tactics started to emerge. I was open on the call about my own therapy, but it was turned against me, and I was often met with the silent treatment.
A month ago, after I had visited our home to finalise the sale, I was very upset – she insisted on speaking to me on a train full of people, with a mask on and I asked if we could speak later, she refused and said she would call me tomorrow. She then asked if I had resolved the core issue of the emotional abuse, and that was the problem and she couldn’t contemplate a reconciliation, she didn’t feel she could trust me again.
I had said that I didn’t feel I could trust her with my heart again, had mentioned I was on a Narcissistic Abuse recovery program, and called her out on it. I said I was done with control and manipulation in my life and her response was “I am glad you are stopping that behaviour” – again trying to turn it around on me. She said she was blocking me forever a few weeks ago, despite often calling me each weekend to see where I was and what I was up to. It was extremely tough and since calling her out she has said she has blocked me. I had a missed call last Friday, called back but she never returned my call/voicemail.
I want to move on but I feel broken – I gave this woman my heart, my love and despite my own struggles, tried to get help, yet she never accepted any responsibility. I know I have to drop the attachment and continue with the NARP program, but I still can’t help feel I am to blame and I could have done more – is this normal?
I’m ready to move on and heal, we still have a property to sell and I am focusing on my own physical and emotional health but don’t want to get stuck in the blame, guilt and self-judgement. I am trying to be more compassionate to myself but it’s very hard. Part of me still wants to give space and try to reconcile and continue my own healing as I miss her, she was nice often but it was just not consistent enough and in the end I felt I lost all sense of myself and my self-worth. However, I am healing – despite feeling stuck between hope and acceptance.
I just wanted to thank Melanie for all the content she puts out there, it’s been very helpful but I also feel I have lost part of my innocence in always seeing the best in people, and know I am looking for the good in people, and recognising some people just wear masks and pretend. I am not sure how I am going to learn to trust either myself or another partner again in the future. I know I have to focus on myself but I feel part of my belief in people as being inherently good has been shattered.
Thank you for this post – narcissists can provoke so much anguish and anxiety; their lying and gaslighting really affects a person, especially if isolated. After what I have gone through because of Harri Mutka in Tampere, I don’t think I can ever trust people again. Everything has been shattered.
I have been so confused constantly questioning myself if i’m the naccissist and desperatly looking for answers. Im happy to learn that,” I am not the narcissist”. I look forward to learning the parts of me that need healing so that i do not find myself in this situation again. I want to be the best version of me and provide a healthy example for my children.
I am not a narcissist. I all I want to do is heal and go completely no contact. That’s the toughest part for me is to stop engaging
I am not the narcissist. I still feel co-dependent emotionally. It is like working against my heart with my mind. It is very hard to go no contact, because next to the bad memories, there are very good ones too. But I definitely lost my trust in him forever. I just wish I could loose the heartbreaking and unreasonable feeling of love as well.
I am so glad I read this today because I have been asking myself “am I a narcissist “? I have been in a relationship with a man with asperges but there are so many similarities with being a narcissist that I am so so confused if it is asperges and I need to give him a break or is he really a narcissist?
Thank you, thank you , thank you so much! This is exactly where I am heading, and I am glad you validated my instincts. Yes, I have been through hell, and Christmas has brought some more emotions, but I am accountable now for my journey. I am a creator, I am a warrior and I am a survivor. I believe we can use all of our life experiences for our love and for our self now, that is what I believe now. I am empowered to use this Christmas pain to heal and feel and create self love and reality, truth, compassion for myself.
I am not the narcissist, I was a co-dependent and lacked self-love and had no identity. So now, I am learning to love myself, and discover, who I actually Am.
Happy Holidays to you,
J
Hi,
I started your free 16 day program just before Christmas, after reading Dodging Energy Vampires, and I finally feel heard and understood. I have spent so many years wondering is it me? and then in severe states of depression and anxiety because I had convinced myself I am broken and awful and ugly. And I know I am to certain degrees. But this question has come up a lot lately. Is it actually me who is the narcissist? I can see in myself the over-controlling and the constant anger, negativity, pain and gloom and I have found it really difficult to be present and find joy, even with my children which hurts more than I can explain.
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for 13 years and I have been trying to emotionally and mentally prepare to leave, not only for my sake, but for what the toxic state of the relationship is doing to the kids and I have judged myself so harshly for going through a push-pull cycle of being sure, to being afraid to leave or heavy-hearted for leaving the person I’m supposed to love in ruins. I’m so scared. I’m so unsure of the ‘right answer’.
All I can say is that from your emails, from articles like this, I have a better understanding of what I’ve been going through, of what type of relationship I’m in. I feel understood which is incredibly difficult for me to feel because I really am with one of the ones who is incredibly charismatic and charming and I had no idea about love-bombing until it was explained in that first book and now I can see what happens each time so clearly. When I have confided in some family members about what happens in our home, I get “Well we all knew he was a liar, that’s just something we know now.” Or “oh but I love him, I really hope you can work it out, but if not, I still love you both”.
And it’s funny, even now, after 13 years, I can see so clearly why I ended up in this relationship, but also why my family dynamics are the way they are, why I’ve been in relationships like this before. I have zero self-trust, and incredibly insecure and feel as though I’m always in survival mode. When I entered this relationship, I consumed him. I once described why I felt I loved him when we first got together as “I just couldn’t believe someone like that would want me”, which now waves as a huge red flag for why I not only wasn’t ready for a relationship with someone else, but why I then ended up in a relationship with a narcissist. This part has now become easier and easier to see. And yet, the leaving part is by far now the hardest part, regardless of how sure or unsure I feel every second day.
Thank you for gifting to me this better understanding thank you for explaining the things I’ve felt crazy trying to explain to the people I confide in. Thank you for showing me I’ve likely had narcissistic relationships with family members before – I have started to identify those now. One thing is for sure, this journey is incredibly hard mostly because by the time you get to the stage of some type of knowing that you need to exit the relationship, you’re already so battered, exhausted and empty, you’ve already done and said questionable things yourself just to get through each day, and you’re also so used to tying your identity in to someone else’s, and you don’t even feel like you have your own anymore. I most look forward to discovering that.
Hello. I am here in 2022 after 22 years with the same man questioning is it me. Your comment registers greatly. I am so broken and mentally distraught now that holding a job has become the hardest thing. But the thing I need most to leave. I have been a sahm for 15+ years I have nothing. I am so stuck. The urges of suicide have been so strong this past month. It’s my children that keep me here. I cannot do that selfish act to them. Omg. I cannot. I want to die everyday because I’m such a loser lame who’s not good at anything. Who can’t hold a job. Who’s to afraid to even leave for the health of her children. Idk why I’m replying to you. I need a vent. Its mother’s day weekend again and I can’t tell you how many mother’s days have been traumatic and sad. We just had a fight and I honestly don’t feel like I did anything. He said it was my attitude. But I didn’t have one. I feel he does this to cause discord so he doesn’t”have to be nice” to me this weekend. I ruined it again. Fk. My birthday is even worse. I always buy my own or make my own cake. He has never gotten me a gift, says flowers/cards are a waste. 22 years we’ve been together. Since I was 18. Like writing all this down makes me feel even more stupid. Like if I was reading this about someone else, I’d be like girl leave wtf. Why do you stay?????? Why do I stay??? Fear. Fml
Thank you for this. Since learning more about narcissism, I have occasionally wondered if I have traits too.
As a young woman I was frequently callous and uncaring of my affect on partners. I seemed to have the ability to drop a shutter against the feelings of other people when they upset me (unless they reject me, when I go through hell). At the same time, I have always been deeply empathetic and drawn to supporting people and helping to empower those who are struggling.
When I split up with my narcissist, I had the epiphany that my lifelong inability to form mature relationships (despite years of trying to work out why and trying to self-improve) and behaviour may stem from spending the first five years of my life with a highly narcissistic father.
I am a people pleaser. I tread on eggshells rather than upset people I want to like me. I end up doing things I don’t want to do rather than saying ‘No’ and causing a scene. I end up in risky situations because I’m scared of causing a confrontation if I assert my need/concern.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with quite severe ADHD and I have been trying to see myself anew through that lens. It has helped enormously to understand why I behave in certain ways and I am slightly less negative about myself as a result. It still didn’t seem to provide all the answers though and I couldn’t fix the people pleasing stuff, even though I knew I was doing it and was annoyed about it.
So many of the things you’ve written have resonated with me and I believe you have provided the answers through which I can finally start to get to grips with these issues.
Thank you x
I am not a narcissist!!
Hi Melanie,
Thankyou for a very informative post. I was beginning to doubt myself and I indeed thought omg am I the narcissist!!! I definitely am not. I left my abusive narcissistic husband of 36 years 5 weeks ago it’s been one hell of a ride. I have to tried to maintain minimal contact with him but due to circumstances I’ve had to maintain contact with him hopefully that will change a bit soon. I am working on myself and healing my inner child wounds. I need to do a lot more work though. I would love to join NARP but unfortunately at the moment I am unable to afford it. I read your emails diligently and would love to do a one on one with you.
Kindest regards
Christina
Melanie you are brilliant! I have started my self healing path at 53. Thanks to you I have discovered all the Narcissism that surrounded me in my childhood! Now I believe my husband may suffer from it because his family members had it! I am the one with the conscience and empathy! Whew! Thank god! I cry all the time! I own my own and apologize! I’m ready to do NARP! I’m so glad I found you! You have saved my life🌺❤️
Hi Shauna,
I am pleased I have helped. You will experience such an accelaration in your healing with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
You deserve this!
Much Love and we look forward to welcoming you into our wonderful NARP Community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Mel 🙏💞🦋