Melanie Tonia Evans

Can A Narcissist Be Cured?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
90
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

It is such a gut wrenching experience to finally accept that someone you put your total love and faith into (in the case of a love partner) or had a unique and special bond with (in the case of a family member, friend or co-worker) is a narcissist.

And it’s no wonder I get questions like this all the time …

“Why do some people have the capacity to change while others don’t?”

“Why as a society are we turning our back on narcissists?”

“Isn’t there a possibility if I love them enough, or work hard enough on our relationship that I can help them change?”

I remember feeling the same way. I desperately wanted to believe that a narcissist could change – because after all can’t love conquer all?

And it becomes excruciatingly confusing for us when the person who has been abusing us proclaims that he or she will do anything to save the relationship.

Because … doesn’t this mean this person wants to be accountable and does want to change?

So many of us have agonized over these questions, and if this is you right now, don’t worry, I totally understand.

In this Thriver Tv episode we are going to explore all of these questions, which all comes down to two specific criteria that the narcissist needs to meet if they are to be cured.

As well as …. why, when we are still in throes of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, and have not as yet turned inwards to self-partner and heal, this question and the associated torment can be very intense.

 

If you would like to read more about the key points to ascertain who a narcissist is you can read the article mentioned in this video:

Are You With A Narcissist? 

If this video hits home for you and you are finding it difficult to copy right now please know there is a Community of supportive people here with open arms to help you.

Leave a comment below this blog and myself or another Thriver will be able to support you.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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90 Thoughts on Can A Narcissist Be Cured?
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen Coleman
    February 24, 2017

    Several years ago I asked Melanie this same question. About a year ago I got to the point that it doesn’t matter if my ex narc is able or not able to heal. It’s now totally irrelevant. I was surprised to learn she has some serious health issues and I thought I would have leap with joy that she’s getting some payback. But no, it’s no longer important if she suffers or not.

    • Scoutjr1147@yahoo.com'
      Scout
      February 25, 2017

      Congratulations to you. I hope to get there someday soon.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      That is such a wonderful indication how far you have come in your healing.

      Wonderful work 🙂

      Mel xo

    • kbarre1@gmail.com'
      Kris
      March 19, 2017

      I am just starting this road to recovery ( well sort of)- more accurately, I am finally not allowing my Narc qualifier pull me back in with the ” I love you , I dont want to Separate, We are Married and that MEANS something. He even said he was SAD”! which is a feeling that he doesn’t mention much.

      I am this weekend away – and have had no contact for 2 days. I will however have to go back tomorrow. He is supposed to move out the end of the month. I am not sure he will do that now or what is going on. I have some friends and family support, thank God. Who have given me a beautiful place to stay on occassion to get away from him.

      He said and I quote from 3 days ago ” Kris, I am really unhappy, with all of this meaning the state of our marriage” I said I was too. He said he didnt want to talk about the details, i said OK. Then later the next day he told me ” he was considering going away for the weekend” This is not normal for us. I said OK, then I guess because He didn’t get the reaction he used to get which was me, crying or being upset in someway about his behavior, he then said ” what do YOU wanna do Kristine” and I said ” I guess we will separate” and that is when he said fine. I will be out by the end of the month. Then I told him I was going aways for the weekend, and he was so relieved to hear that” also he said ” This is Sad Honey” Then the next day while I have been away for this weekend. I inevitably got the ” I don’t want to separate, blah blah ” – SO it is like this YO YO, of He is so unhappy in our marriage but then when I try to make steps towards a healthy separation. I did not leave angry or yelling. I left on very civil terms on Friday, I even gave him a hug, wishing him well.

      Im so eager to be a part of this community of support, so that I keep the ball rolling in the right direction.

      Thank you for reading, I appreciate any kind feedback you may have. Lots of Love Kristine

  • skyvixen@att.net'
    Cindy
    February 24, 2017

    I am positively blown away here-I was speaking to a dear friend about ALL OF THIS-today!! You truly DO know exactly what we’re ALL going through!
    It is a process-my journey-worth all of my love and effort to heal completely from this-and I know I will.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your life saving work. Life healing-flourishing-thriving.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      I love that you are committed to your healing.

      Bless you Dear Lady and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Georgina_grant@yahoo.co.uk'
    GG
    February 24, 2017

    Thank you! That was very helpful, and really increased my understanding. This was something I asked myself because, even though I want to divorce my husband, I will still have plenty of contact with him as we have a five-year old daughter to raise. I worry about his behavior rubbing off on our daughter, seeing as she is, like him, an only child and we are her two main role models. She also frequently goes to stay with his parents, who inadvertently are responsible for the problem in the first place… Please could you make an episode covering the effect on kids of having a narcissistic parent, and how best to save them from any bad consequences? Or perhaps you’ve covered this already? Many thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi GG,

      My pleasure and I am so pleased that helped 🙂

      GG I have created over the years quite a lot of resources regarding our children.

      This is a topic I am very passionate about.

      If you google my name + children + coparenting – they will come up.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • georgina_grant@yahoo.co.uk'
        GG
        February 26, 2017

        Super, thank you.

  • akaimmersionnetworks@gmail.com'
    Kyran Logan
    February 24, 2017

    i like it that humanity is turning their back on Athena personalities. they can’t be cured either

    thanks this was helpful in my research

  • akaimmersionnetworks@gmail.com'
    Kyran Logan
    February 24, 2017

    why doesnt athena care for me

    why do we fall for athena

    how to stop athena’s while not destroying yourself

    calling an Athena out

    trying to help him/her Athena’s

  • pietere7@gmail.com'
    Pieter Engelbrecht
    February 24, 2017

    I have experience with my wife (narc). For 27 years now and through 41+ counsellors, preachers, phycologist, and people who are not qualified to counsel others (no degree). She said counselling is enough the moment she knows she must change. Yeh, a narcist will not be healed. I have heard July 2016 about narcist the first time and then I release that she is a narcist. When I heard on Youtube where Melanie talk about a narcist. What a relief it was for me that I can see the clear picture and truth know what is going on in my life. Thanks Melanie for your work done.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Pieter,

      you certainly have been through it all ….

      That is so great that you now have the relief of clarity.

      You are very welcome Pieter.

      Mel xo

  • Jupitersun@hushmai.com'
    Joni
    February 25, 2017

    Hi Mel! Thank you for this and for all your work. I have one question: should we alert the new narc suppliers (their new girlfriends) that they are with a narc? I haven’t because I known it’s not my responsibility, and I suspect she would think I’m still emotionally attached to him. I’m not, but I feel compassion for another woman who will suffer. She’s in the idealize phase now…my husband is taking her on European trips and tropical vacations…while also spending a fortune to “crush” me in court. I am totally no contact, except for seeing her FB page which I’ve copied for my lawyer. So, at any point is it the moral , ethical thing to do to warn her, or do I just let her find out for herself? She will be ruined financially like I was, she will be isolated from family and friends, and she will likely have to give up her career. Do we have a responsibility as thrivers to warn the next victim? And if so how would we do this tactfully, with compassion and respect?
    Thank you! Joni

  • aquararies@gmail.com'
    cheryl gordon
    February 25, 2017

    My last relationship ended in Sept 15/2016. Twenty two years later. #1. She said ” everything I learned was from you.#2. What is love? Over the 22 years we were together she would get her narcissistic supply from the same females, broken ones including myself. It was always my fault because she could never admitted responsibility for her actions.#3. Pathological liar, to my face.#4. When she knew she was caught in her lies then the silent treatment would start, but her own silence to try and punish me for her actions got to her. She would break the silence with questions or rude remarks. I knew what she was doing, she wanted a reaction to be validated. Most times I would not give her one, or simply state I like the silence.I see an emotional manipulator, borderline personality disorder, anti- social personality disorder and Histrionic personality disorder. I honestly think that a narcissist is a mixture of these cluster B personalities. The main question though was why did I take her back time after time? I must say though I never sought or followed her, she always found where I was. Why did I let her back into my life? To fix the parts of me that needed to be healed and I was week. Once she seenjoys me starting to take care of my well being she started searching for her next target because she knew she was dead in the water. As Mel said you can,talk fix what you don’t, t acknowledge.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      it is so wonderful that you have recognised the inner reflection of healing your parts back to wholeness.

      And yes … so true .. that is when the dance ends.

      Mel xo

  • yvesdropp8n@yahoo.com'
    Ginger
    February 25, 2017

    I’m just blown away yet again by the insight here. Thank you for all of the work you do. I have been working at this for about 6 months and each day is one step further away from the suffering. It is a huge reminder and clarification of why I left and why I need to focus on me and my unresolved issues…because I can.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Ginger,

      its my pleasure!

      You certainly can – and welcome to the beginning of your freedom! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • yvesdroppin@yahoo.com'
    Ginger
    February 25, 2017

    I’m just blown away yet again by the insight here. Thank you for all of the work you do. I have been working at this for about 6 months and each day is one step further away from the suffering. It is a huge reminder and clarification of why I left and why I need to focus on me and my unresolved issues…because I can.

  • nancylund1961@yahoo.com'
    Nancy Lund
    February 25, 2017

    Thank you Melanie again. This article came at the right exact day, you have been helping me for years and I share your videos with my family members who are still tangled daily with our narcissist. I left my husband 5 years ago, but still run a business with him, it is a struggle but, I am so better off and in peace away from him. His daughter is working along side him everyday, she came back into his life 7 years ago, she is struggling, being his daughter is much harder for her, to get away from him. I can only support her and share your videos with her.

    Nancy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Nancy,

      you are very welcome.

      Bless and keep healing for you and your daughter.

      Where you energy goes is where she will follow.

      Mel xo

  • Scoutjr1147@yahoo.com'
    Scout
    February 25, 2017

    I need some support. I want to get to the stage Stephen above is: where I don’t care.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Scout,

      Have you signed up for my free resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted ?

      It shows you the step by step process to get there. Also I would highly suggest coming into the next webinar group in March … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

      • joviepetrunia@gmail.com'
        Jovie
        February 25, 2017

        OH it’s so crazy, registered for webinar and evidently in my time zone (Eastern Standard United States) so strange it is the *day before* for me?! So Mel will be doing this Wednesday 11 am Mar 22 but I’ll be hearing it TUESDAY Mar 21 8pm, the day before she does it, so weird. I love this wild old world. :p
        Hope I’ve got it right!
        Hugs to all, can’t wait to be with everyone, ready to WORK!!

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    WJBMotown
    February 25, 2017

    Do not waste any time worrying or thinking about a narc!!! It takes so much energy to escape. The Narc does not care and remains an abuser from birth to death. When you leave….never..ever turn back!! Do not give these monsters any more of yourself…EVER!!!! I always think of the biblical story of Sarah who turned to stone when she looked back at the burning city!!! This is what will happen to anyone who thinks a Narc will change…..RUN RUN RUN….NEVER EVER LOOK BACK!!!!!!!! Save yourself from certain doom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi WJBMotown,

      certainly those of us who did try to invest our energy for a different outcome did find that out.

      It was a matter of how much pain we needed to finally let go and turn our focus onto healing ourselves.

      For some of us … it took a lot of pain.

      Mel xo

  • laurenlolly08@gmail.com'
    Lauren
    February 25, 2017

    Gosh I am still battling with my narcissistic ex. 6 month’s later and I found out on Valentines day that he was seeing his now current girlfriend while we were together. I was completely shattered because I never noticed anything and I stayed by him every single weekend.

    Alot of the time I wish that one of them would break the other’s heart and he would have regret (although I’d NEVER take him back after all of this). I just feel so hurt by this betrayal from someone I helped build emotionally and financially for him to do this to the one female who stood by him when he literally had nothing and was in debt.

    We dated two years so I have close bonds with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. Our friendship group consists of his brother’s girlfriend and her family. We are quite the social group and I’ve made it known to them that I’ll stay away because he has a new girlfriend but they refuse. He refuses to chill with us anymore but I don’t understand his anger if his the one who cheated and left ME?? It would be much harder for me to see them together than him see me alone.

    Please help 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Lauren,

      my heart goes out to you – this is one of the excruciating parts of narcissistic abuse … the discard and replace.

      It is a step by step process to unravel and heal form this – for real. Whereby the pain can go, and also we can leave behind patterns in our life that could re-emerge if we don’t address our necessary healing.

      And really after a narcissist – it is too painful to have it happen again …

      These resources of mine can help you understand and get onto the path of healing.

      My free newsletter, which has so much healing resources connected … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted

      And I would highly suggest coming into the next webinar group in March … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

  • kimberlymyers7@gmail.com'
    Kimberly Evans
    February 25, 2017

    My narcissistic husband and I are going through a divorce as of May 2, 2016. He filed after he hit me on March 26, 2016 and I called the police. He was emotionally and financially abusive before it escalated to hitting me. He would triangulate his ex wife with his two children. I have three children of my own so when I met him, he was very charming and seduced me to live with him, then marry him. We were only married a year and a half, when his mask came down. He would yell at me at the dinner table in front of our children for talking with my mouth full of food, yet when we would go out to dinner with his ex wife for his kids’ birthdays she would talk obnoxiously while eating and he would say nothing. Yet when we would return home I would say how come she can eat and talk and not get yelled at and he would say, I would never yell at her in front of our children. ???????But he could yell and humiliate me??? He was always favoring her, after she was the one in fact who left him for another man. He would accept coffees from her at games, and would even sometimes ride with her for two hours back and forth to concerts for their kids, all the while me being at home, unbeknownst he was doing this. Then when I would confront him he would yell at me and say I was being jealous and insecure. Then I would get the silent treatment for apparently treating him so poorly (calling him out on his poor behavior), and twistedly I would end up apologizing for confronting him. I became more and more submissive and less and less myself. It was torture. The final straw and my way out was when he hit me, which in fact he denies to this day and got off as he lied and said it was self -inflicted. He has always made me feel as if I was crazy. It is so hard because I still weirdly love him, and wish him nothing but good. I pray for him and wish he would change. He was sexually abused by his catholic priest when he was younger and this priest was put in jail. However, other children came forward and he denied it at the time happening to him. So I am certain he has some mental illness from all of this and I feel for him. It is not his fault he is the way he is. I feel sorry for him and pray for him to be healed from all of his hurt. It is so hard to be with someone who is narcissistic. I only started to realize his narcissism while I was taking a class in Abnormal Psychology and realized it. He was so sweet and charming but started treating me poorly and treated his ex wife so nicely and that was the last straw for me when Easter, March 26 we were out to dinner with his ex wife and kids and they were carrying on about the plans they had made prior to that for the next morning her taking the kids to church with her. While I had tried for two weeks to talk to him about making plans for all of us to go to church together where pastor married us. He would refuse to talk to me as he was always texting and emailing with his exwife and it was clear when we went to dinner and both of them discussed it again and I was hearing for the first time. She was constantly micromanaging and discussing plans with him and he never included me in on anything and said it was none of my business. Thus he got mad that night when I texted his ex wife to find out when it was that they had planned Easter. He at first told me how awful his ex was , then he was always wanting me to be friends with her, so I tried to be friends by going to lunch and talking to her via text, email as needed. He then had a problem that night and to “protect” her he hit me in the face and threw my phone breaking it. I just don’t understand why I always get treated so poorly. My first husband was protecting his mistress also. When I found out about her by calling her number he had a fit of rage, just like this husband did. It was so weird. I never understood this. Can someone explain this protectiveness for my ex-husband and his mistress and my now husband (which I am divorcing) protecting his ex wife?

  • Lrcreates@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    February 25, 2017

    My therapist once explained it to me this way: NPD is a mental disorder, but we can’t “see” it. Therefore it makes it harder for us to process that this person, who we’ve loved and cherished, is deformed and cannot heal. She said, imagine looking at a quadriplegic and exclaiming “someday that person will get up and salsa dance!” NPD is a disorder in their brain – a dysfunctional part that physiologically is unable to fire. Since it’s not openly visual, it’s hard for us to be as logical as we would with an outward deformity. But it’s something that we need to psychologically process and understand in order to realize that it’s just not possible for them to be the loving, compassionate, functioning human being we so wish them to be. And wishing it won’t make it happen either!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Lisa,

      that is so true … it is a handicap – absolutely.

      I liken it to wanting a crocodile to play fetch, or let you rub its tummy.

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  • serena_armstrong@msn.com'
    Serene
    February 25, 2017

    The arrival of this post in my inbox, as well as all of your others, couldn’t be more timely. This question, more than any other is challenging me, despite the fact that I make forward healing progress everyday thanks to these wonderfully empowering resources.

    First, I just want to say to you Mel, that what you share of your own situation and pain, is so brave, generous and healing for those of us who are on this journey too. You are my hero 🙂 Reading your last post, where you shared many of your circular thoughts and physical symptoms was as if I wrote it myself. I experience/d every single one. Over the past 2 years (during which time I was in and out of a relationship with my ex narc) I tried literally everything one can imagine to find peace – multiple types of therapy, hypnosis, reiki, healers, EMDR, books, websites, you name it. The only thing that provided relief was finding your website and subscribing. The daily emails were a God-send. They all were so appropriately timed for the exact thought/experience that was happening to me. I created a special time of evening to read them and plunge into as much as I could. The most invaluable piece was your framing the issue with absolute clarity and spot-on accuracy. The issue being – does the person that is causing you pain fit this description? Yes. Do you feel xyz as a result? Yes. Then you set us on a hand-held path to recovery. I am a NARP member and have been working on the modules with huge results 🙂 I am so incredibly grateful to you as I am starting to feel so good – not just getting by, but truly excited about the future now that the shackles that bound me to this person are coming off.

    My challenge with this issue is this: After an extremely traumatic phase of my relationship w the narc, he begged for me to come back and said he would do absolutely anything. I told him he needed a certain type of therapy. He immediately started going. I thought things would get better, and at first they did, but there were red flags with the therapist both professionally (diagnosed him over one Skype session as being Bipolar, then changed her mind) and personally (she told him to throw out any photos of me and items I had ever given him, etc).Needless to say, we didn’t end up reuniting. Throughout this past year he would find me at my gym or coffee shop where I work sometimes and want to embrace, talk, etc. I was very apprehensive and would say no, but we had this pull that we couldn’t shake. He would send me emails that were very heartfelt. We were never very far from one another in our minds and hearts, yet we were not physically together. Finally, he contacted me in late Aug and we both decided enough time (supposedly healing) had happened and we were still very much in love, so we committed to reuniting in full. We were both in relationships with others and he went into very explicit detail about how unhappy his was (his lack of attraction to her physically, etc). We needed time to get our situations cleaned up and we would reunite shortly. He sent my 21-y/old son a text sharing our news the next day. Fast forward 2 months – we had lunch and he shared that he was ‘trapped’ by this woman, had never been so miserable and was sobbing in the restaurant. When he shared her name, I remembered it was the name of the therapist he had seen when he and I couldn’t get our footing… I have never experienced anything like that moment…. She was a married licensed therapist who left her husband for my ex, her patient, asked to stay at his home for a few weeks and never moved out. She set up her practice 2 blocks from his house. He lost his daughter as a result. All I could think to say to him was how unethical and disgusting it was of this therapist to take advantage of him right after an EMDR session. He then seemed to have a panic attack and demand that I not tell anyone her name because she would lose her license and potentially go to jail. I told him I would not share her name unless it was required by my therapist. He begged me to withhold it regardless, which I did. After this encounter he turned 180 degrees and sent me a text the next day saying we were over forever and he was finally in a ‘healthy’ relationship… This woman is still practicing therapy in both my town and the big city nearby… She has only been a therapist for 5 years and prior she and her former husband ran a cult in a small town. They both got their basic therapist degrees at the same time and now his area of expertise (on his website) is Cult Recovery. I am tormented by the betrayal of this criminal, whether she brainwashed him, the well being of my ex’s young son and struggle with my decision not to report her despite my own therapist (Ivy League) telling me to do so and that she’s “a public threat and very dangerous”. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

    • joviepetrunia@gmail.com'
      Jovie
      February 25, 2017

      Just have to send some hugs on this (( ))

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi Serene,

      I am so glad this was timely for you – and thank you for your lovely comments.

      I am so pleased my resources spoke to you and helped you and that you are doing the work to cellularly reprogram yourself with NARP.

      Serene, the truth is if he is a narcissist, then the information you receive from him and the toxic drama around it is something that you have no idea what is real and true … truly …

      So many of us have been through triangulation with others in this way with narcissists – and I am sure if you heard her side of the story there would be another “truth” altogether.

      Also his “panic attack” etc – what on earth is that about? Really?

      The real deal here is you detoxifying from him and everything associated with him – including her.

      To get involved is at your own peril of staying hooked to him.

      What is the root of the torment and what is it within you that you need to heal about this?

      That is your way home …

      Mel xo

    • boudjebosma@hotmail.com'
      Boudewien Bosma
      February 26, 2017

      Hi Serene,
      Thank you for sharing your story,
      What I am about to say is a confirmation of what Melanie is saying in much better words, but please believe there’ s much likely something else going on between that therapist and him. If he is The Narc, and of what you say he sounds much like that to me, much likely he had hooked and love bombed and hoovered her in while he was in therapy, the same way he did hook you in And that is a very painfull truth and awareness to face.
      Please know I am talking from still painfully waking up these days from these dreadfull , for us not even to imagine, unbelievable behaviour and experiences.
      Wish you much healing time , and if possible much NO Contact as possible.
      It ‘ s The only way
      And I still have a hard time doing so as well
      Yet thanks to all the blogs and posts l from Melanie , I finally get detoxicated and deprogrammed ,slowly into much awareness and leaving my unconsciousness , growing into my own me
      Step by step , day by day

      Wish you much love and great healing
      Recovery
      Good luck , you deserve YOU, not him.
      I hope you will be able to let go.

      Bye
      BB

  • helsbells11@hotmail.com'
    The goddess within.
    February 25, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    My N blames me for the discard and replace. He says I ruined our family because I “didn’t forgive him when he was at my feet” and he is now “where the storm blew him” aka with the new supply.

    All of this is his perception only. I did forgive him (conceptually at the time and thanks to NARP I am moving closer to cellularly). But – what I didn’t do is give in to the hoovering and I didn’t do that because his apology didn’t feel genuiene. There had been other women, possibly another child, I knew the new supply was in the wings and all trust was completely gone.

    I knew I needed to work on myself but I must admit that that seed of guilt he planted played on my mind for a long time afterwards as he must have known it would.

    I feel so much compassion for the new supply who is kind to my child and at present is blissfully unaware of what she is up against. Sometimes it does seem like he has changed for her. It would seem that he is certainly far more present for her than he ever was for me. I have to keep reminding myself that if someone elses ego wants to be mixed up in that then that is their journey.

    I can only say thank you for your NARP resource. Slowly but surely, step by step I am moving forward with my life. Looking forward to this video. Thanks again for all you do.

    TGW
    Xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 25, 2017

      Hi TGW,

      Naturally your N will blame you take no responsibility and have an “excuse” for taking up new supply – that’s what N’s do.

      And yes – N’s deliver what does hit home – they identify and go for the parts of us that are not as yet healed back to wholeness.

      It truly is about digging that guilt out – tracking it back to the original wounds (where as a young person were you made to feel “wrong”/guilty) and up-levelling it with Module Work.

      Remember with NARP – whatever hurts – target THAT.

      Also with each person N’s are different – they are not terrible in the areas people are shored up on – they instead go for the “gaps” that they know hurt and keep people hooked.

      Hers and yours will be different … that’s why he is “different” with her.

      You are so welcome TGW, just keep shifting and moving forward – your are doing great!

      Mel xo

  • joviepetrunia@gmail.com'
    Jovie
    February 25, 2017

    My thoughts on the show, have to say, my narc is the one who alerted me to his narkiness – (though he calls himself a sociopath because he thinks it sounds sexier) – so, my point is that he KNOWS he is narc and literally believes himself to be evolutionarily above those of us empathic sorts with all our emotional baggage. He is PROUD to be how he is. Finds no problem with it. And truly has no remorse. And finds compassion unknowable.

    So, if he actually ever believed it was a problem, perhaps he could get help for it. And if he did, and he become a real and normal human, I would be very happy for him and for our children. But I still would never want to be with him again. That heart shattered and I’m ok with that (after much NARP work and grieving of course). I have a love for him that has no hooks whatsoever (any more, thanks to modules etc) into a ‘romantic’ love. Mine is just for that of another being on this planet and for the father of my children. I wish him well. And I LOVE how that’s not hard for me to do!!!

    My friends are baffled that I can be so gentle with myself and him and his crazy behavior. But it truly works for me. I see his horribleness and shrug. I see his “Oh i miss you love you Jovie” and shrug. It’s all just the words and actions of a narc – *all meaningless*. I get everything I want and need from him because I literally don’t play into any of his crazy games.

    Finally it seems HE’S the one who is baffled and confused (though of course he’s not really, because he’s incapable of caring enough to be confused hahahahaha)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Jovie,

      I love your post because there is so much power and inspiration in it.

      It is truly indicative of what happens when we release all of the traumas and wounds inside us that can be used by specific N’s to hook us in.

      The N behaviour becomes insignificant and meaningless and that is when all power they had over us ceases.

      I am so happy for you that you got to this level …. wonderful 🙂

      Congratulations on working NARP so throughly to take back your power and wholeness in regard to your ex.

      Mel xo

  • joviepetrunia@gmail.com'
    Jovie
    February 25, 2017

    I wonder if my previous post sounded as if I had all my shit together – I do NOT. My mother is, I’m pretty sure, my primary narc, and I grieve for my Family of Origin issues and continue to get triggered by all that. My (separated for 10 months) husband (in my area you have to be separated 12 months before can divorce) has been ‘easier’ to work on than my mother.

    I was with him for 20 years, but of course I was in relationship with my mother since I was born, 42 years.

    I am still sad sad sad and work on narc parent issues. And my dysfunction is evident in the fact that my home-making has become dismal over the last 8 years, I’m overweight, under-exercised, in huge debt, smoking (had quit for 15 years!) and sick all the time. I feel like I’ve rounded a corner with the N spouse, but I’m still pretty weighed down the N mother 🙁

    I dream and pray to have the relationship of acceptance with her that I have with him. Oh Mel, what to do? Gonna go do Module 6 i suppose…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Jovie,

      I am so pleased you have showed up and expressed what is going on with the N Mother stuff.

      Jovie are you in the NARP Forum – because all the support and coaching you need on Module work to achieve your emancipation from the mother wounds are in there: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      I can’t recommend that loving supportive 24/7 source enough for you to work through this.

      Mel xo

  • mariajelstad@hotmail.com'
    Maria
    February 25, 2017

    Hi
    I have just left my husband. (One week ago). We have 4 kids and we have been married for 11 years. I have started the recovery program for healing, I am just in the beginning. My husband is totally broken, and he will go to individual therapy (starting next week) and he wants us to go to therapy together as well. He doesn’t want to loose me. I have almost lost hope that he can change. But what if he can be cured? Can his breakdown lead to a breakthrough? I have seen another youtube video (can a narcissist really change?) with this topic, and the answer was Yes, if he goes through a breakdown. I am confused, I don’t know if I should hope that he can be cured or not, and can I trust him? I took tha narcissist test on him, and he got the score 278. Should I forget him or wait and see if the therapy helps??

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    February 26, 2017

    Excellent article about the path to oneself!

    Question! Can the Narc, who is the angel in disguise, (AID) be your Twin Flame?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Katie,

      wow this is a huge topic – which I will be doing as a publication soon … very soon.

      Are you able to wait for it to get my opinion on this?

      Mel xo

      • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
        Katie
        February 28, 2017

        Yes…another question I have is:
        If the soulmate was meant to give you life lessons/experiences to up level yourself to a higher level of being, does the twin flame bind with you in a divine partnership to help/teach/inspire others to let go of their wounds/EGO and strive for a Godly/Spirit/DivineHeavenly consciousness?

  • lynda_n@shaw.ca'
    Lynda
    February 26, 2017

    I can’t believe this is happening to me again – well, no, let me rephrase that- I have allowed this in my life again. What have I done? Do I really not like myself THAT much. Wow, what a revelation. I should know better than to be in this relationship, because I’ve been here twice before, but this feels worse. Probably because I’m shaking my head in disbelief that I’m actually here…again. This one was different, this altruistic narc. He hit me like a tonne of bricks in the first stage, I felt like I had found my one and only soul mate! Good grief 🙁 what a lie that turned out to be.

    It was only several days ago that I started looking on the internet for answers to what was happening in this relationship (Duh! like I didn’t have a clue), and that’s when I found your website. As I’m reading through your blogs, New Life emails, and listening to your videos, I am shaking my head – in complete agreement with yes, that is exactly what has/is happening and I can not deny this truth. Today I am terrified. I am a shell of who I used to be long ago, I have allowed myself to be emotionally, financially, sexually, mentally – am I missing anything? lol – abused. I am RELIEVED that he is starting his next out-of-town job and I will see him less. I’m going to need this time because I need to somehow be able to mentally function enough to secure MY next job and find a place to live. I struggle with ‘keeping the peace’ and ‘pretending’ that things are cool right now. It feels so phony. But I am in such a bad place that I am going to keep doing this one day at a time until I can get out. I just read how to do No Contact, I’m going to do this the right way for me, I’m going to protect myself.

    Melanie, and this community, THANK YOU for being here. For the first time I don’t feel quite so alone and I need you to know how grateful I am for that 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Lynda,

      you poor thing – as you will have gathered … Ive been there …many of us have.

      Lynda, you can and will make it – and it’s TIME … TIME for you to heal this once and for all.

      Please consider NARP. It is the most powerful way to achieve that.

      Mel xo

  • joviepetrunia@gmail.com'
    Jovie
    February 26, 2017

    I have so many loving responses to so many of these posts!!! But I’m not sure I’m allowed to do that. I have sooo much respect for your methods Melanie Tonia Evans! Loooooove the people who actually look for and are willing to receive true help~! I believe taking responsibility for ourselves is the ONLY WAY to GO! The narcs simply have to find their own way. They must be allowed their own path; we literally can NOT do it FOR them. And no heart-centered reason to WAIT for them for our Good Lives to begin!

    And on the random off-chance they can admit and work on their humanity-defying ways, all the better for them. We do NOT need to wait around for it. There’s simply no point. If they happen to have miraculously ‘cured’ themselves, let them prove it!! And then, if we are in a position where we are interested in re-attempting a relationship with them, fine. But that is NOT the purpose. The purpose is to find OUR OWN TRUE SELF. And allow our beautiful lives to unfold from that point on, with strength and self-respect and self-partnered love and direction.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Oh gosh,

      Jovie – one million percent you are correct!

      Thank you for your powerful post of truth to All.

      I’m feeling the love, and sending it back to you – plus some!

      Mel xo

  • Jupitersun@hushmail.com'
    Joni
    February 27, 2017

    Dear Maria,
    I am so sorry to read your post and felt I wanted to reply. I’m sure Mel will have great advice for you, but I wanted to share my experience that sounds similar to yours. I have four kids, too. My husband’s abuse escalated over many years. In the beginning it was intimidation and suicide threats. Then 20 years in, the physical violence kicked in (literally). His rages went in cycles. He always apologized and begged for forgiveness after his attacks which included extreme verbal abuse, choking me, throwing me down, and telling me he would kill himself and I would have blood on my hands. After the rage, when things got back to “normal” he would blame me for everything that was going wrong–his depression, his unemployment, his lack of friends, problems with the kids etc. He finally had a full blown “breakdown” and refused to find a job and demanded we move out of our home and that I find a job and support the family. To make a long story short, I did what he demanded. For two years he put us into big debt while he tried to be entrepreneur. We went to counseling and he accused me of wanting to have an affair with the therapist. He actually went to a residential treatment center for a week for adults who had PTSD from childhood, but that experience empowered him and he told me that I needed to go to the program because I was so messed up, and that the people there thought he was an amazing person because he was so articulate and high functioning ( a facade he pulls off brilliantly). When he finally got a good job I foolishly thought that everything would get better. Instead, it got much worse and the abuse escalated–he told me it was my fault because I wasn’t supportive enough and vulnerable enough. I finally got into therapy and got up the courage to tell him to move out, which he did. The divorce has dragged on for three years and is still not settled. If I knew what I know now, I would have left him years ago. I would have gotten into therapy, done the healing work at the cellular level, and not believed anything he told me. He is a pathological liar, something that I still have a hard time accepting as I read the motions and affidavits he has submitted to the court. Yes, he admitted he had a breakdown, he went through a treatment program, he finally got a good job, but none of that changed anything. He will always blame me for everything, and he will do everything he can to “win.” If your husband is truly a narcissist, something I didn’t even know existed until after mine moved out, then don’t enter into couples therapy or believe that he will get better. Take your kids and build your own life. If he heals himself, great! But don’t wait around for that to happen. You can only heal yourself and you are only responsible for yourself and the safety of your children. I wish I had found Melanie 10 years ago and had started my healing before the kids were impacted significantly. My therapist told me that we do things when we are ready. It sounds like you are ready. Sending loving thoughts to you and everyone in our community, Joni

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Joni,

      Dear Lady and please know how true that is.

      The timing is always right .. and you and your children will heal.

      Much love to you and blessings for your continued healing journey, and thank you for you loving support and reaching out to Maria.

      Mel xo

  • Dianna.kholodar@gmail.com'
    Dianna
    February 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie-
    Thank you once again for this informative video. I have reached the important landmark of truly not caring one way or another whether my ex is curable or not. Actually, I never wanted him back as so much was severed. I hurt very much, nothing seemed to be left spared, so I never obsessed over getting him back. He had an affair and had a child out os wedlock. My kids now have a half-sibling. There is no way I could wish him back.
    My problem lies in a different domain. Ever since I started work on my self and healing my own wounds of insufficient self-loving and, coincidently, ever since my shared custody of my beloved children has started (in US, sadly, any divorce is fault-free and though I bore these children for us together, with divorce I have lost my presence in half of their lives, and vice versa), I seem to only feel pure and strong love for my two children. Nothing around romantic life feels me with optimism. I had to acknowledge that I have become utterly cynical and pessimistic regarding a possibility of a soul-mate. What does this strong attitude represent? I know I do not want again fall into deficient/scarce mode of operandum but am afraid that this is exactly what is behind such attitude. What are your thoughts and can you please speak at length whether this is a phase that will vanish one day on its own or if it needs to be worked on as well 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Dianna,

      you are very welcome.

      Dianna, what you are experiencing is very normal … and I concur. After N No. 1 I could not imagine having a man in my life for over 3 years … yet now I adore romantic connection!

      It is trauma that needs to be found, released and replaced – as well the associated beliefs if we want that area of our life to flourish.

      It is exactly the same healing truth as it is for any area of our life affected by trauma.

      Are you working with NARP? Module 1 and Goal Setting module can work to clear those traumas. Also the other programs moving forward are powerful healing agents for “love”.

      And of course deep connection, “love” improves every human interaction in our life … taking relationship to incredible new levels as well as loving human interaction, family, friends .. community etc.

      Definitely an expansion in life that is joyous to participate in and be-come!

      It is the height and richness of being “human”.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    WJBMotown
    February 27, 2017

    Narcissists cannot be helped. They are like drug addicts or alcoholiics. I have read over and over that is is detrimental to try and help them. They take the helpful information and twist it around to suit their selfish agenda. Once again, they are really just sitting back and letting the other person do the work.
    They know how to literally suck the life right out of therapists and doctors leaving them total wrecks. Narcs use the information as further source material so they can entrap another victim and suck the life out of them……then move on to the next victim. It helps them to further their ability to “sweet talk” and lie subversivly making them even more dangerous.
    Listen to your inner voice that tells you danger is near….I just learned lately that happiness and sadness give off different frequencies in HZs……………Narcs give off the most dangerous and diabolical frequencies on earth………be aware.

  • Cathydmagee@icloud.com'
    Cassie
    February 27, 2017

    Melanie,
    Firstly I must comment that your lipstick was a fabulous and bold move to welcome in 2017! So too is the new color on your nails! They are beautiful. I am accustomed to your French manicure so the red polish really caught my eye. Beautiful both ways!!!

    Thank you for a great first Thriver TV episode in the new year.

    First light bulb moment…..I related to your experience of years of hanging onto hope the N could heal. I can see in my own journey how I used to believe MY life depended on him healing and changing. WOW thank you!
    It allows me to see some growth.

    Second light bulb moment…..
    You have taught me that Narcissists and co-dedependents are mirrors of each other with the exception that co-dependents have a conscience and are able to feel empathy. Therefore, it was helpful to hear and “feel” your explanations as to why my traumas as a co-dependent are able to be healed but his as a narcissist aren’t. In order for any one to truly heal and change we must be able to meet our inner wounds, hold them, be with them and then finally release them to fill ourselves with permanent love and light energy. Ego is what blocks the ability to fill ourselves with all of the necessary healing love and energy in order to ensure the healing is complete, authentic and permanent. I can humbly feel that what tends to get me trapped and stagnated on my journey is my own ego. Thank you for revealing to me what I need to readdress at this point in my journey.

    Third light bulb moment…..
    Your discussion and explanation of why the “humbleness” on the part of the Narcissist doesn’t hold – WOW It doesn’t matter whether the humbleness occurs because a scared and fractured inner child is terrified of loosing connection or it’s all a ploy to make you stay….it’s all about supply!!!!And although the ego is absent during the momentary display of humbleness, once the therapist grants enough attention it is lapped up as supply by the narcissist and the false self reignites the brain pathways.

    Thank you for your commitment to helping others on this journey. Your patience is lovely. I can only imagine at times you want to say…..”Duh”….. when it takes some of us a bit longer to grasp it all. Your enduring and endearing patience is remarkable.

    Much love and appreciation,
    Cassie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Cassie,

      you are SO sweet! Thank you gorgeous lady!

      Cassie I adore it when the truth real hits home and we see with fresh eyes … exactly what has been playing out – especially for ourselves.

      I LOVE your level of awareness.

      I think the only thing that ever frustrates me Cassie is when I see suffering that I know is not necessary. People trying to manage wounds rather than releasing them altogether so that they just don’t exist.

      Yet, I know, when people have had enough they can take on a Quantum Way and become their own healer.

      Then I should never again have to explain it! They would JUST know it…

      One day our world may be that model 🙂

      Until then I’ll keep batting!

      Mel xo

  • Ray@Prodesignbyklein.com'
    Ray Klein
    February 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    Thank you so much for your wisdom and support. The last video explaining how the addictive peptides work in your brain, made things so much easier to understand. I was talking and thinking about my experience way too much. I was started to wonder if I was going mad…. definitely NOT! Being able to just say “I bless and accept this feeling” wgen the nastiness comes rolling into my head, has helped me a lot. It seems to shed any further thought of a particular situation away rather quickly. I look forward to your email each day, and am feeling better each day. My energy seems to be getting into a healthier zone. Bless you for the loving support and the education!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2017

      Hi Ray,

      I am so pleased my information is helping you – and that is wonderful that you are feeling better.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • Raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Anne
    February 28, 2017

    Nope. They don’t seem to change no matter what. This post was very timely for me. It just affirmed what I concluded the day before, when I was informed that unless I accept his old ex lover friend into our lives again, our relationship would never be right. You see he triangulated the situation for years under the guise of old friendships. When I finally realized what was happening and put a stop to it, things crumbled. Now, after years of struggling w the issue and back n forth arguments that made me out to be the unforgiving one, he still wants this person and her associates in his life. It doesn’t matter how I feel about it. He wants what he wants period. As I level up an heal, and he can’t manipulate me as before, now comes the playing card that in order to heal our relationship, I have to agree to having this person back in my life. Gee, our relationship depends on her? He is right that our relationship will never be the same. Because I now realize, we never had a true couples relationship, ever. She was always there. He is simply incapable of a true intimate relationship. The lies, the omission of truth, the spins, the emotional manipulation and abuse, are tricks he still tries to play. He doesn’t even see it. Why? Because he is a narcissist. I am upper middle age, but it’s time to lose this person in my life.

  • Raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Anne
    February 28, 2017

    And I need to add, as a warning to others, a narcissist will cause you health problems. I have issues now that are all associated with stress. The worst thing you can do is stay with someone who makes you sick. Because some things are irreversible. A broken heart can literally be broken. If you develop traumatic stress disorder, this affects your ability to think clearly. Your other relationships suffer too. Your job or employment becomes a struggle. Depression can over take you. It’s not worth it to stay even for the kids when what the narc does will shorten your life.

  • david@wordsmithville.com'
    D.V. Yent
    March 1, 2017

    THANK YOU MEL for giving me hope.

    A month ago, after 2.5 years of doing everything she asked, and experiencing some seriously awful toxins physically leaving my body from her energy work, a doctor diagnosed me with NPD and said she cannot help me and to not come back.

    (It’s ok… many therapists have told me not to come back. The one before diagnosed me with BpD. For years I’ve been on meds and a cocktail of supplements and homeopathics.)

    According to books I found after the doctor ditched me, including “Stop Walking on Eggshells”, I agree I have traits of both NPD and BPD. I see the traits in me. I understand why I have them.

    Your questionnaire/test – another of my post-therapy discoveries – indicates that while I have many narcissistic traits, I have a conscience and do not do things merely for control.

    For example, as a young teenager entering high school I decided I was no longer going to lie, no matter what.

    Decades later the list of people who hate me for saying the truth grows, however it’s better than being a pathological liar, which I come by naturally. (I know now that both parents were financial/emotional/mental/physical abusers, and the most violent was also a pathological liar. He couldn’t help it, as he was horribly abused as a child and help didn’t exist then.)

    On my office wall, in the doctor’s writing, a piece of paper says, “The egoic entity dies in the state of acceptance of what is.”

    Your vid above indicates that there is hope for me as long as I am willing to relinquish my ego in favor of feeling in the moment.

    I am very grateful for all of the material you’ve provided. While I may never feel empathy, I hope you’ll continue to help me accept my hardwired dysfunctional brain and continue to maintain awareness of the ego I alone manufactured, and I alone can conquer.

    “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” – Brian Tracy

    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2017

      Hi D.V. Yent,

      You are very welcome ….

      I love that you wish to let go and let True Self come through.

      I agree we are the only ones that can do it – and when we do let our defences drop and “be”, it is so necessary to let go of the traumas that were holding them up.

      Then .. truly we do break free and discover what really does flourish and nourish us – All of Existence without those barriers to ourself, others and Life.

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

  • lindsayrosekline@gmail.com'
    Lindsay
    March 3, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    First of all, I’m so thankful to have found your support – you are so strong and inspiring!

    I just ended my relationship with the Narc last Friday. I spent the weekend in the most intense pain I’ve experienced in my life. I decided to pick myself up and learn about why this happened to me (and has happened in previous relationships). I always thought there was something wrong with me – not being pretty enough or good enough in general. I would give and give and give and it was never returned and I was constantly left wondering what more I needed to do to gain the love and attention I so desired from this man. When I started gaining self-worth and demanding that he treat me with respect the worse and worse he would treat me. The last straw for me was when he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days (for coming home an hour later than I was “supposed to”). I left and didn’t turn back. I am committed to reliving these childhood traumas and breaking free once and for all. Your story has been such an inspiration and all of these tools you’ve offered are truly a God send. So thank you for being so open and honest with your struggle and for your efforts to help others. I feel as though my life mission, as well, is to inform others about this epidemic and help guide them through this horrific darkness.

    With love,

    Lindsay

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2017

      Hi Lindsay,

      Thank you and I am so pleased you have found this Community.

      How wonderful you are deeply committing now to you and your Inner Being – that is truly the way home, and I love that you wish to become a force to shine a light for others.

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • TheNarcsWife@gmail.com'
    Story Lynne Wing
    March 3, 2017

    Melanie,
    Don’t know if you’ve found the answer but, it might be a light-activated lipstick. I had one that was like that, and the color kinda changed based on the light and body chemistry… maybe your lipstick is something like that?
    Thanks for everything you share. You’re awesome!

  • TheNarcsWife@gmail.com'
    Story Lynne Wing
    March 3, 2017

    I’d like to offer a new idea on this topic…or, at least, an idea that I haven’t seen mentioned here, yet. I’ve considered the possibility that a narcissist could heal, IF (for example) his partner wasn’t so traumatized themselves that they could provide a stable, healthy environment in which the Narcissist could heal. It’s been said, over and over again, that narcissists are basically emotional infants. What if they just need a healthy parent, or mentor, type partner?

    I wonder if, perhaps, the codependent partner were to be, or become, emotionally healthy/mature… perhaps the Narcissist could be influenced enough to change behavior, which could lead to healthy/positive reinforcement, which builds self-esteem/self-love, which in effect, leads to the capacity for healing.

    Relationships can be incredibly healing… if a partner could maintain emotional health & maturity throughout the process. Of course, the partner would also need a good support system, to stand with them. And, I suspect that the partner would feel more like a parent, through the process, as well…. which is a rather distasteful idea, when talking about love relationships.

    But still… I can’t help but wonder. Especially since, in the idealization phase, we see narcissists take on all sorts of “good behavior”. So, obviously, they’re capable of acting decently. The abuse comes during the devaluation, when the partner (insecure, and emotionally immature) loses the narcissist’s “respect” (and I use that term loosely). I wonder if healing could take place if the partner were untraumatized (self-partnered) enough to maintain themselves (much like a parent does with a defiant, or unruly child) in spite of any attempts at devaluation.

    Obviously, this is a pretty specific set up. And, one that is not likely, since narcissists tend to be uber-magnetically attracted to the emotionally wounded. Still…. for a while (almost a year), when I first got together with my Narcissist, he made some pretty big changes. I’d even dare to say that he may have “healed” a bit of his inner-wounding. Of course, when he met me I was extremely confident, untraumatized (as far as I knew, anyway), and pretty damn emotionally intelligent. He’d try to devalue me, or act in abusive ways…but, when it became clear to him that I was neither affected by his childishness, nor was I going to tolerate it, the behavior ceased. Permanently.

    It wasn’t until he finally found some very deep, very heinous, inner-trauma, that I’d severely repressed, that things went downhill…. and fast. So, it makes me wonder….

    Have you had any thoughts like this? Or, had/heard of any experiences like it?

    And, just to be clear and put your mind at ease (if you were worried, that is), I have been narc-free for over a year, almost through the legal divorce, which he is trying to make very ugly. It hasn’t been too-stressful for me, though, as things are just sort of ‘working out’ in my favor ?. I hold no delusions that my husband will ever heal. Nor, would I ever consider taking him back….ever. I love and respect myself too much now. (Plus, discovering evidence of his taste for prostitutes quickly cured me of that, once and for all). So, my questions and wonderings are really more academic and theoretical.

    Like you said, in this video; I think we do develop a compassion for narcissists, once we realize how truly empty their existence really is. I don’t think I will ever stop wondering if this can be healed somehow. Not only because I genuinely feel sorry for those who suffer from NPD but, more importantly, I can’t help but think of how many people could be spared the excruciating pain of narcissistic abuse, if NPD could be healed. Then again, if it were able to be healed, maybe some even worse horror would have to emerge to take its place and help us all to grow. So….. catch 22? No easy answer, I suppose.

    (Or, maybe I’m just crazy…. who knows?)

    • Gonz6764@gmail.com'
      Jorge Gonzalez
      March 4, 2017

      Story

      This would be a form of parentification, which is in itself, one of the many ways a narcissist will abuse their victim. The narcissist will absolutely love this, and will believe the heavens and the stars just opened up for them. You would become a person that is willingly becoming the parental figure of the narcissist. I think that this would be extremely dangerous, as it is sending the message “I am your parent, go ahead and lean on me for emotional support”. And before you know it….you are right back to square one again. My intention is not to sound negative or bash your idea, I just think that you would put yourself on a rather thin tightrope. I am no expert, but I can say from personal experience that my parents parentalized me, and it basically renders them useless to fend for themselves. Similar to releasing an animal raised in captivity into the wild. Not a good outcome.

      It is rather unfortunate that although we feel sorry for the narcissist, because we have true empathy and emotions, that the narcissist will never feel sorry for you. They thrive on the fact that “normal” people have empathy and feel sorry for them, and they will take advantage of that every second they can.

      • thenarcswife@gmail.com'
        Story Lynne Wing
        March 7, 2017

        Jorge,
        I think you’re absolutely right about the narc leaning on someone for emotional support. I was thinking more along the lines of detachment, though. It’s almost like what Mel wrote in most recent article about boundaries. Only, allowing positively reinforcing emotions, and absolutely no drama energy…. if that makes more sense.

  • gonz6764@gmail.com'
    Jorge Gonzalez
    March 4, 2017

    Good day everyone

    I do not believe that a narcissist can be cured. The best way I can support this statement is by using an example. I will use as an example a computer. Odd example, but if you follow me then I believe you will get my point. When a computer crashes, usually there is a restore point where the user can go back to and get the computer up and running again. In the case of the narcissist, there is no restore point, as they never had a real identity to begin with. They created a false self, so there is nothing to go back to…no reference point. So if a narcissist sought out treatment, I believe the best they can get out of it is to be “trained” to behave and act like a normal person. Will there be a point that they will actually start to “feel” like a normal person….who knows.

    My father is a malignant narcissist. I am 42 years old, and I just came to this realization last year. My mother was diagnosed with cancer late June of 2016. The disease was already at stage 4, so she did not hold on much longer afterwards, passing away in October a few months later. She acted as a “shield” for my brother and I. We always knew my father was selfish and self centered, but we had no idea how truly twisted he really is. After his main source of supply was gone, my mother, he turned his guns on us. After educating myself, i found that I was the “golden child” and my brother the “scapegoat”. I do not know which can be worse…being treated as an extension of the narcissist, or being treated like the black sheep. From what I have seen in my father, he is very far from curable. As Scott Peck put it: “The malignant narcissist is the personification of human evil”. And I can attest to that 100%.

    I will be telling more of my story, and how I got out of the relationship and began to heal. I hope that I can help anyone in any way I can.

  • Arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    Arline
    March 13, 2017

    I don’t know how I missed this episode

    I have been following you for about a year and a half now, and I have definitely definitely been dealing with an NPD, But somehow I thought there was hope in him changing and growing and expanding because there were lucid intervals just like you described

    I have been doing the second Healing in the and NARP program, Because I have been in a delusion.

    I can’t believe it’s been so difficult, to except the fact that he is not my perfect partner, despite the fact that he was never there in the first place, and that I was always getting crumbs etc. etc.

    Also, it’s been extremely difficult to bring the attention back to myself, because I have wanted to blame him, even though I “have an understanding that I have to go within myself and go to my unhealed wounds

    I’m hoping, that my delusion has finally been smashed, because I’m able to hear things more clearly and I’m willing to heal and I am certainly feeling the depth of my pain and willing to invite healing in

    How do we become familiar with the unfamiliar? What I mean, is how do I become OK with thriving? Well I really ever feel completely worthy? Well I ever get to a point where I’m self partnered enough that I won’t need a man, yet I will be able to experience a joyful life with one? I’m facing freedom with fear, Like a prisoner he gets out of jail, and doesn’t know what to do because life has gone on without them

    I see, that you have healed, and I also see that other people that I’ve done your program have healed as well

    That gives me hope I guess I had to get pretty hopeless and wanted to see that there’s other possibilities, and that I’m actually worthy of them

    Thank you again

    • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
      arline
      March 13, 2017

      Sorry about all the typos, I dictated via my phone, and I did not proofread.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 18, 2017

    Great video again! Thank you, Melanie!

  • James.Kelly@seaffacs.org'
    James Kelly
    April 27, 2017

    As I result of my own narcissistic abuse, I find myself both a student of psychoneuroendocrinology and in agreement with your perspective. Love does not conquer all. Corticosteroids, whether naturally produced within the body in the form of cortisol because of prolonged stress or tumor, or prescribed in medications such as Prednisone are all proven to shrink the hippocampal region of the brain particularly in childhood. The hippocampus is the area of the brain responsible for emotional control and the processing of true empathy. This is the region of the brain that neuroimaging has identified as a biomarker in psychopaths who use narcissistic behavior. Psychopaths are classified as primary when they are born with it, secondary as a function of prolonged stress or trauma, and I believe that there ought to be a tertiary classification for those who have exogenous Cushing’s Syndrome as a result of consuming corticosteroids for a prolonged period. My wife has been on Prednisone for 24 years and I have witnessed this personality change from a person who was capable of healthy emotion and introspection to a full on narcissistic tertiary covert psychopath who is active in her addiction to corticosteroids. Love does not conquer all, corticosteroids do, and are the hormones responsible for the epigenetic transmission of trauma.

  • islandqueen1963@yahoo.co.uk'
    Coral
    May 5, 2017

    I have been with a sexual narcissist for 1 year.I did not know he was a narcissist and i did not know what the meaning was until i googled his actions and what i was going through.I love him so much but i cannot take his behaviour anymore.He blames me for everything and puts me down constantly.He has broken me emotionally and has gotten me to do things i would never have done.My mother had lung cancer and was at the royal Brampton hospital in London getting ready to go down for surgery.Instead of my boyfriend supporting me he was texting me demanding pictures of what i was wearing and accusing me of dressing sexy and showing off my boobs.He tells me i am a bad girl friend if i do not do as he says.I have started saying no to him and he is making my life hell for it.He makes me do sexual acts with other men for his pleasure.As a recovering sex addict this is soul destroying for me and makes me wish that i had just remained an escort.I got more respect from my clients. What hurts me so much is that i was an escort when we met and he promised me a great life if i gave up my job.He is generous,romantic and surprisingly we do have a few things in common.He tells me he loves me more than life all the time.He treats me like princess one minute then like a sex object the next.He lives in a fantasy world and watches movies that are about fantasy.He also cries a lot to sad movies especially if there is a wounded pet.We argue all the time but my pleads for respect falls on deaf ears.My sex addiction drove me to escorting which i did successfully for a few years.When i gave up escorting i was so happy and in love with someone who would love me for me .I have an addictive personality and i am struggling to keep away from him.I have broke up with him several times and he always wins me over with his charm and romancing.Now he is asking me to marrying him and he wants me to go to Paris with him.I said no to both so now he is working on me trying to break me down.He booked the trip first knowing that i would have said yes but to his and my surprise i said no.He is the most controlling person i have ever known in my life.I always make excuses for his behaviour because he had a tough up bringing.I asked him to see a Councillor with me he just says that there is nothing wrong with him.He says if i just do as i am told then we would not be having any problems.After my mums operation she had chemotherapy so she stayed with me.She said that she noticed that i was moody and she wondered if it was because i had to look after her.Hearing my mum say that broke my heart because i love my mum dearly.What she did not know was that while i was trying to look after her my partner was relentlessly sending me texts demanding my attention.I realise now that i cannot help him but i can help myself.I am so glad that i am not alone with this problem i was starting to think that i was going mad.

    • amilovesyou@gmail.com'
      Amulet
      July 5, 2017

      Dear Coral,

      Sending you the biggest hugs. I hope you have had the courage to leave him and go No Contact by now. He will not change. You can find lots of help here through Melanie’s work, and learn how to love yourself.

      You are worthy of real love, and this is not it. What you describe is textbook narcissistic abuse.

      May you learn to love yourself; I am learning to do the same.

      Much love,
      Amulet

  • shanelleo@gmail.com'
    Shanelle Osmundson
    May 23, 2017

    Hello Mel,

    By blessing and grace I have found you on the internet. I didn’t even know what narcissist meant when I first came across it. Someone mentioned to me my ex-husband sounded like a narcissist. The divorce was final as of 12/16. He left me on Thanksgiving day 2015. I came home from work after my 12 you shift as a nurse to all his clothes gone. I was devastated, confused and in total denial. I have spent time in therapy, read books on healing, research and signed up for your articles. But I apologize I am still confused, I’m not sure if he is? If I’m falling into this in hopes to give a reason for how my marriage was and ended. Plus all the years in between. I’ve spent tons of money, hours, tears and loss of sleep trying to make sense. Someday the anxiety is almost suffocating. I have learned a bit about why I allow unsafe people bulldoze their way into my life. With a borderline mother and an ego injured from childhood father. How could I not become a co-dependent, fixer, who constantly feels unworthy. But I just feel so lost somedays all I can do is stay in bed. I am so sure your healing knowledge is from a place of love. I’m just really really confused and am not sure if this is true or coming from my false beliefs. So if possible could anyone from your team reach out to me. I am truly afraid of never recovering.

    Thank you so kindly for any guidance.

  • stephenmattani@yahoo.com.au'
    Steve
    July 22, 2017

    The inability for a narcissist to change is a contentious issue- it’s clear many people are adamant they cannot transform. I beg to differ.

    I am a recovering narcissist- I have tendencies and was severely emotionally traumatized as a child by a malignant narcissist father. My personal intimate relationships have been a disaster as you would expect. The pattern of a dream start only to spiral ever downwards and implode in time was a recurring scenario and true to form I always pointed the finger of blame at everyone but myself. My partners were similar in hindsight- all co-dependent, a few traumatized by prior narcissistic partners which sounds all too familiar from other peoples comments.

    I spent two years in therapy after a relationship breakdown where with hindsight I was playing out the innocent wounded child blaming everyone but myself because that’s the only way i could see things at the time- I really had no comprehension of reality at all- none. I sought affirmation from the therapist but he was up to the task, he saw straight through me and would have nothing of it. He called me for what i was (and half expected me to storm out) & i begrudgingly accepted the characterization & label of a narcissist. The lack of affirmation from the therapist over time was eating me up so after some time I stopped therapy. It wouldn’t have mattered how long I was there, there would never had been any genuine capitulation until I surrendered totally and wanted to submit & undergo meaningful healing. I was aware of but dismissive of the narcissistic haze that I lived in.

    I entered into a new relationship with time that progressed to marriage but my partner who was co-dependent and of low self esteem danced to my same familiar tune. She did manage to set a personal boundary that I could not break down and yes as expected, because i couldn’t control her- I left which has left her broken.

    My pain from the break-up and a long emotional session with a wounded sibling of mine together with a fortuitously timed email from an amazing woman friend that was able to open my eyes to what real love is proved a defining moment. I should also mention I went back into therapy because i recognized traits of my father in my own personality and it abhorred me- little did I realize how extensive those traits were. Some people in life say they have had a light bulb moment, an epiphany or found God- whatever you may wish to label it. I can honestly say, the narcissistic haze lifted, not gradually but in a instant in time- I could at once see my narcissistic behaviour- all the manipulation, defensiveness, the wounding, control & blaming- all of it over my entire life. The clarity was frightening & at the same time personally devastating at the realization I was not the person I ever thought I was. My entire life had been a fraud. It literally broke me- I had hit bottom, there was nothing in me but a complete void. And that’s exactly what was needed. It took the extremes of pain to face my trauma from my past & be able to finally open my heart which then allowed for the idea that i allowed myself to face my demons & heal the wounds I carried. I was ready & wanted change to take root- and thankfully it has. I know genuine happiness for the first time in my life, it comes from me & is not required or demanded of others. It’s heartening to see the changes it elicits in those around me which is yet another source of joy & personal fulfillment. That ability to give without any expectation of return is wondrous.

    I would never consider myself recovered, more a process of lifelong recovery as I find myself checking my thoughts, words and actions with regularity and that’s not easy but it’s light years from where I was. Words do not do justice to the relief & joy. The sense of freedom is indescribable. The space to live my life- not through that of someone else is enlightening. This has truly been my life’s defining moment. It is treasure. The transformation for myself & by extension those close to me is one of wonder. The therapist finds the progress noteworthy as well. My sessions with him have gone from the occasional looks of exasperation & despondence he would give me as I just couldn’t see it for what it was to near exhilaration in sessions now as my awareness deepens over time & my humanity grows.

    It took the extremes of emotional deprivation, the acuteness of pain, a fortuitous occurrence of events & the courage to face my torment to get me here. I wrecked havoc on the lives of four women in my journey to get to progress to this stage. The guilt, shame & sorrow of the immense price those innocent women paid for my healing is a cross I will bear for the rest of my life. And that is a huge burden- my penance in a sense. Self forgiveness is part of my journey & I am yet to begin that process.

    The answer I give to those who ask whether narcissists can change is an unqualified yes but I also acknowledge I know of many others- some family, others friends, some acquaintances & deep down I know they are very unlikely to take the personal journey i have & I feel sorry for the tragedy that is their wasted lives & the devastation they leave in the lives of those they encounter.

    I commend this website as an invaluable source of knowledge & support for people touched in any way by this insidious & cursed affliction.

    My heartfelt thanks to you.

  • Bggb8@yahoo.com'
    T. Sch.
    August 10, 2017

    Thank you so much for this site!

    I blindly walked into a relationship with who I thought was my soulmate. He pursued me like I had never experienced before. He told me he loved me within weeks of meeting me. He proposed to me within 6 months. I felt so alive and in love. Then by a year of knowing him, he started saying I was too emotional, would say things like he knew I was going to get my period because of how emo I was being, he’d say how I was so much like one of his crazy ex girlfriends from college, etc. I still loved him and couldn’t walk away. Our relationship blew up overnight after I did something he wasn’t happy about. He made himself out to be the victim and basically started harrassing me so when I went to an attorney to get help, he requests a no contact to be added in BUT he was the one that was harrassing me!!!. He said he needed to protect himself from me. I have never been so hurt in my life. I wasn’t perfect but he used me and took advantage of my gentle and sensative nature. It’s been a year and I am still trying to recover from the mind games he played.

  • susan@realestatesusan.com'
    Susan
    November 4, 2017

    Dear Mel – thank God for you and your program. I am a heartbroken wife of 23 years. My husband, damaged from an abusive family and lots of chemical imbalance, abandoned me and my daughter after an incidence of domestic violence. He is abusive and mentally ill and has narcissistic, borderline, PTSD in his medical history. He went into a dissociative rage and physically hurt me, only to rewrite the story after being arrested. We have for years struggled with emotional, psychological and some physical intimidation and abuse. Now, it is “why did you put my son in jail”, “jail was horrible” “Life altering” (I had hoped a turning point, but he went on a path of destruction when he got out) – 2.5 days, 3 nights. My daughter is resolute – ‘never’ to see him again. I, on the other hand, have tried for years to help him, seek and support counseling, therapy, medications. Accepted his countless apologies for behavior, affairs, ruined holidays, etc. He always praised and appreciated this in his “right” moments. Gifts, vacations, love letters, affection, etc. Kept me hooked. I so wanted a ‘normal’ family as I had grown up with and he had not. His answer “the marriage wasn’t good”. He moved on within weeks of getting out of jail and moved in with a woman within 3 months. We are in the process of a divorce and his abuse continues – cutting us off financially, lying in court, hiding money. This is someone I have dedicated 26 years of my life to loving and helping. To be discarded in this way is devastating, the emotional and physical abuse (running from the scene rather than helping me with the “accidental abuse”) (his words). Nothing about the situation from the moment it happened has been normal. He is, of course, in Domestic violence treatment and claims to others “I am more relaxed than I have been in years”. This hurt-why is he NOW so “wonderful”. His family while initially supportive have turned against my daughter and I. We have gone no contact with all of them as we were being manipulated – like a terrorist cell – abuse by proxy. I am extremely traumatized by all of it – I am in counseling at our local abuse center as is my daughter. How can a man give up his family, his homes, his financial future his reputation (among those who see it). I feel my arm has been cut off. I was a dedicated wife and he literally has torn our whole family apart. Praying for peace. Thank you for all.

  • gail@gracelandnh.co.za'
    Gail
    November 22, 2017

    I have been with my husband for 15 years and, from the outside, our life together is wonderful. I have been in live with him from day 1 and I have been a loving, supportive wife. Over the 15 years his need to run away at times hurt me so much, but he would always come back and I would try and love him more in order to make him happier. This year has been a nightmare for me and I have had some desperate thoughts at times. He left one day and disappeared without contact. He came home 2 weeks later and eventually told me he had gone overseas. All was well for 3 weeks and then he left again, this time for 3 months and went to Europe where he reconnected with an ex fiance of his. He came home after that and assured me that he loved me and felt safe and happy with me. I forgave him and we had a wonderful week together before i left for Spain, to spend 22 days walking The Camino. He kept in touch with me every day and told me he loved me and the very same night that I returned home he told me that he is going to pursue the relationship with the woman in Europe. I am devastated and feel totally lost and abandoned. I cannot imagine my life without him.

  • Tulayfarra@gmail.com'
    Anonymous T
    December 4, 2017

    Hello Melanie, I was labeled “crazy” by my Narc and his mother for years. He went from psychiatrist to psychologists, from counselors to therapist trying to get me cured! Each and every time, within 20 minutes of the consultation he was told to make an appointment just for him in order to see the mental health carer in question because they believe he’s the one with major issues. Without exception, he would slam the door and never return to see those people again even though he was the one who found them and dragged me to see them.

    To this day, all his family and his entire friends circle believe him in that they think I’m crazy, he told them I had a brain surgery 13 years ago and as a result I became schizophrenic!!!! Even though most of these people are medical professionals they find it very easy to believe such utter nonsense. Unbeknownst to me, he corraborated his lies with continues twisting of facts. For example, I never leave my kids, I work like a dog until they’re due to arrive from school. I drop everything and I get home so that I’m the one receiving them from the school bus, I take them to all their activities, sit there and watch them for the entire sessions, take a leading role in all voluntary work in their schools, their homework, school trips, school projects, medical appointments etc etc. You name it I’m the one doing everything A to Z. He has skillfully updated all his friends and family on a daily basis saying exactly the opposite of our reality. He kept playing the victim saying he works so hard to support the family financially and that after work he has to come home and do everything with our kids. He doesn’t even know where i am. I go out until late hours with people he knows nothing about. I never tell him where I go and with whom I go etc etc. Every lie under the sun.

    Of course I have photographs with my children for most of the things we do together. He was very clever about that as well. So I don’t share any photos on social media (with my close friends and family) he went to court to get an order not to publish any photos including my children. He told the court he was a big shot and his kids were in danger if they could be easily identifiable. This way, he made sure no one would see how wonderful a mother I am doing the impossible for my kids all the while working to be able to pay for the basics we cannot afford otherwise. And therefore, the all continued believing I was an awful person who neglected her kids!!!

    Now that the kids are old enough to tell exactly what happens at home, he tells his friends that they’re in denial and that I have brainwashed them so much, they’re too scared to say the truth. That’s why kids of 8-12 years of age are saying their mum is the most wonderful person ever.

    All this to say, he did go to mental health professionals saying “I’m ready to do anything to protect this family’s unity” and yet each and every time it turned out he was there to treat me for my madness and psychotic behaviors for which he was systematically kicked out.

  • hannamand@gmail.com'
    Dave
    December 15, 2017

    Great video, as you point out, the insidious thing about narcissism is that they lack the ability to admit that there is a problem. Yes, it’s possible that they could heal, but not very probable. So, to your point… holding out hope impends our progress toward healing.

    I think it also bears mentioning that we need to remember that Empathy/Narcissism is a scale, not an absolute. Very few people are totally Empathetic (they would be a victim of every scam artist that gave them a sob story) or totally Narcissistic (if they were they would most likely become a serial killer).

    The question that I always ask myself when I meet someone is “Where are they on the spectrum?”. The reason being that if someone is too N I know that I will end up putting their needs too far above my own, and a relationship is not sustainable (eventually my “cup” will be empty) and the same is true in the inverse… if their only desire is to “give to me” and can’t communicate their own needs, I quickly feel like I’m taking advantage of them, and the relationship is not sustainable because I take great joy in bringing joy to others.

    It takes time to see if those levels “match”. and the “newness phase” of any relationship has a tendency to mask it. The advice I give myself is “take your time”, it’s OK to be alone, make friends, let things develop organically.

  • santiago_105623@students.pupr.edu'
    Emma J
    December 15, 2017

    You know, as much as this video and the prime vision behind it may help a real community of people affected by close relationships with narcissists in my opinion it shouldn’t represent the reality of whether a narcissist can be cured. Honestly it’s amazing and necessary to have a support network for the victims of the abuse and it’s a wonderful deed. However, narcissists are people, stricken with traumas and a developed behavior that degrades their lives and the lives of those around them. I know it’s possible for a narcissist to recognize the consequences of their behavior and want to genuinely heal; not for the sake of keeping a relationship or appeasing anothers complaints. I know because I’ve been a narcissist since a time I can’t recall and I’ve recognized it. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, self hatred, low self esteem, social anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in social environments. Through the years I asked myself why every friendship and relationship would fade and degrade. I now recognize the praise, devalue and discard phases I put people through and I hated myself when I came to the realization. You can’t tell me Im unable to change because I’m incapable of accepting my own faults and behaviors, because I already have. I’m currently in a relationship in which I started the praise phase and was beginning to shift towards the devalue phase, but I’ve caught on to my behavior and I don’t want to be like this anymore. So I don’t hurt the person I’m with, so I don’t continue hurting myself and so no more people get hurt on account of my subconsciously learned behavior. I’ve scheduled a psychotherapy session in the near future to treat it. If you have any real suggestions on how to aid in the process then that would be most appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 16, 2017

      Hi Emma,

      thank you for your post and I truly do believe that any narcissist who chooses consciousness is not a narcissist. They are a wounded person engaging in healing. Narcissism to me is the total unwillingness to do this – become conscious.

      I highly recommend the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to anyone wanting to reverse the effects of their trauma – by releasing and reprogramming them directly in our subconscious – our Inner Being. The healing is identical for all of us.

      Sending many blessings and healing and well done for you self-meeting, courage and intention.

      Mel xo

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