Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Evict The Narcissist From Your Head And Move On With Your Life – Part 2

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
42
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

What an interesting discussion we had last week regarding Part 1!

If you haven’t read the first installment of this two-part series please go and read it first.

I think it’s very important that we don’t get sidetracked by some of the comments differing from what the message really was all about … (even though … thank you … I did greatly appreciate everyone’s amazing emotional intelligent, love and support!)

Understanding how to get out of the loop of repeat painful thoughts that cripple our ability to regain control and start taking positive actions in our life.

Last week we learned that the story originates from the beliefs we have about ourselves and all of life – our Inner Identity.

As you are very aware, the levels of trauma experienced in narcissistic abuse deeply affect the way you are now seeing the world …

It is usual to struggle to put your faith in people and believe humans are ultimately good people.

And … it is likely you have lost faith in yourself to make the right judgements for your happiness and your safety.

Worst of all … you feel as if life does NOT has your back.

Unfortunately, most common methods of recovery do not address the truth – that the trauma is in your Being and not your brain, and it’s the reason I spent years in crippling pain and repeat trauma, before I found the answer that would eventually set me free.

In the final piece of this two-part series I am going to teach you all about that trauma which is currently residing in your Inner Identity, as well as how to heal it.

This is such an important topic because the understanding of what “your story” is about, and the exact trauma that it originates from, grants you the vital piece of the puzzle that will give birth to your Thriver Recovery.

 

Trying to Think Our Way Out of the Trauma Versus Shifting it Out of Our Body

I want to really explain the difference …

Let’s take one of my reoccurring previous obsessive thoughts – Who is he with now?

In the mind story I would be going through his Facebook account, trying to work out “who she was” and stalking pages. Or doing drive-bys past his place to try and see whose car was there.

And … spending hours upon hours in deep depression fretting … imagining the worst.

Imagining him making love to another woman in the bed we used to. Imagining him wining and dining her (as he had me) and having her fall for him – thinking he was the most wonderful man she had met …  ever.

Some of my deepest fears was somehow he would be different with her. Maybe she was the woman who was going to get the goodies of what I thought originally was my dream man.

At this point of my “relationship with myself, others and Life evolution” I was nowhere near knowing that I was capable of generating an amazing life, directly with Life.

I wasn’t on the field let alone anywhere near the goals.

I felt powerless.

There was so many young, undeveloped not yet healed and grown up parts within me, that I truly believed (without even realising it) that someone else had to provide my Life for me.

I was co-dependent (seeking myself from outside of myself) and subconsciously trying to get a partner who would act as a parent, instead of partnering myself enough to be a healthy partner and create a healthy relationship with another healthy partner.

As you can imagine, my head was spinning with all the associated anguish regarding him not granting what I certainly wasn’t granting myself – love, approval, survival and security –terrified that my supposed Source of these things was going to start granting them to someone else!

The feelings of being alone, powerless and empty were overwhelming. There was no ability to date to try to find a replacement … someone to love me out of my trauma.

Then there was the constant agony about losing so much and not being in a position to rebuild, let alone meet someone who may love me, take the pain away and grant a sane, safe, abundant and healthy life.

At this stage of my journey I also believed stuff and assets defined me.

How on earth could anyone love and accept me with very little (because of losing so much) when I certainly didn’t love and accept myself without what I thought made me me?

Here I was behind the eight ball regarding loving myself, let alone inspiring anyone else to … waking up in the middle of the night, most nights, with yet another nightmare – sweating profusely, suffering a panic attack and not knowing how to face the next day.

It literally felt like I was going to die, with no way out.

And this is only some of the dozens of reoccurring traumatising thoughts that used to batter me relentlessly.

Many of the other thoughts were regarding what he had done … the mental abuse, the physical abuse and threats and his abuse by proxy – which had turned countless people as well as authorities against me.

How could someone who professed undying love be so cruel and act like he wanted to destroy me?

Yet … the craving for him persisted.

All of it came back to the same unhealed truths within me.

I had made him responsible for my Life because of the inner wounded child inside running my emotional Inner Identity believing he needed to be.

When he refused to be a savior and instead played out the role of torturer … my Inner Identity (which was underdeveloped and powerless) ONLY let go when the pain of staying became worse than the terror of leaving – meaning when it became a life and death situation.

The oscillation was insanity – keeping going back because of the obsessive thoughts that I could not survive without him, and that I certainly did not have what it took to survive on my own.

In those terribly limiting traumatic dependent beliefs, I was powerless to solidly pull away and be a healthy solid Being, despite any amount of therapy, reading or “learning”.

None of it stuck or held, and time and time again there was the defaulting back to everything “known” being flung out the window to land back in powerless, triggered, panicked, “feeling like dying without him” states.

Why?

Because of unhealed trauma wedged in my Inner Being – fractures that had been there long before meeting the narcissist that represented every terror he was triggering.

It was so huge … trying to sort this out cognitively was total Wrong Town!

And in regard to extreme trauma, it doesn’t work for most other people either.

Now … let’s look at the Quantum Way to heal … the way to circumnavigate the head, get into the body and get to the truth of what is really going on.

This is the way that not only saved my life from certain demise, but also started to shape it in ways that changed everything to astounding new levels.

It even increasing how happy I thought I was before the abuse. (I know now that level of happiness was precarious and superficial anyway, compared to the True Self happiness that I experience now.)

Okay …. so the terrible thoughts, Who is he with now? would start up.

So instead of thinking about them, I knew it had to do with old traumas within that were being activated by him.

So instead of giving analysis paralysis any energy, I instead turned inwards.

How we connect to that is this: we feel inside of ourselves, accepting the traumas are somewhere within our body (they are NOT in our brain).

And the trauma won’t heal – until WE go to it and heal it.

We being the vital key.

No-one else is coming to do it for us. It is our Inner Being that is waiting and screaming out for ourselves no-one else.

And the more we assign False Substitutes to this task, the more we get anything but the healing. Rather, Life and our Soul hits us hard, with continued patterns that traditionally intensify, to hopefully evict us from that path.

All for the purpose that we can come home to the only REAL truth there is – home to ourselves.

Which is the foundational and vital template that creates a healthy life with all of our Life.

So within, so without.

What I discovered was this – the fastest most direct route home was to release myself from trapped internal trauma by getting it up and out of my body and replacing it with love and healing.

That was the only way the obsessive thoughts that I had fruitlessly being trying to manage stopped.

Here is the most important truth you could ever know about the thoughts that have been torturing you:

When there is no trauma remaining there is NO thoughts happening about it.

Because it just isn’t there anymore!

(Re-read that as many times as you need to, to really get it!)

Once you do “get it” you will know what your real mission “to do” is.

 

Locating the Trauma In Order to Shift It

When I went inside my body, in regard to the terror of being alone, abandoned and replaced, there were many traumas I located in my body … primarily felt in my upper back and in my heart.

What I discovered was the TRUTH of why I was clinging, obsessing and couldn’t let go and move on.

It was because:

I did not feel safe in life.

I didn’t feel safe with men.

I did not believe I was worth loving.

I believed I was only loveable if I fulfilled certain conditions.

I believed people who were supposed to love me would hurt me (annihilate me even).

I believed I needed a man to survive … regardless of whether or not he was respectful and caring or even abusive to me.

I believed if I let go and was alone, I’d die.

I believed that on my own I was worthless.

(And there were more …)

All of these traumatic painful beliefs were inside me, generating exactly what belief systems do – the validity of the belief to the letter.

Here’s how.

I was scared of being with a man, and I was scared of not being with a man.

In that double bind I was constantly living the personal reality of being unsafe and anxious in and out of relationships.

I made choices and continually showed up in relationships in ways that was unloving to myself.

I made choices out of relationships in ways that was unloving to myself.

I was ignoring my intuition and letting my head talk me out of warnings and would make excuses based on my “neediness” instead.

I clung no matter how much I was being hurt.

When I finally had to let go I was pining, feeling like I was dying and obsessing continually.

I remained in the stranglehold of this pattern, with it intensifying all the way to narcissistic abuse (the Big Bad Wolf) UNTIL I healed where it was really all going on.

At the level of BELIEF.

At the level of internal wedged trauma.

When I discovered and channeled how to heal with Quanta Freedom Healing – my life was never the same again – because finally I got free of the traumas, the terrible thoughts and all of the anxiety and depression which I had thought was my normal life existence to continually battle and try to survive!

In stark contrast, I discovered it was NEVER the way ANY of us are intended to live Life!

Not me, not you, not anyone!

Previous life in “my head” was all to do with the narcissist, what he had done, and the terror of him moving on with another woman – as well as my own helplessness, worthlessness and powerlessness.

The new life, being deeply self-partnered, was only EVER about releasing myself from my inner trauma.

It was through my previous unhealed wounds that I had assigned narcissists as the savior of these wounds rather than realise they were the messengers of them instead.

The message being …

Release the trauma and become your own Source of love, acceptance, survival and security and then you will generate wholesome and healthy relationships with others.

Then … you will no longer be so empty and powerless that you will cling to people even when they hurt you.

And … you will love yourself enough to never again attach to False Substitutes.

Since then I have never stopped shifting trauma out of my body.

If I get a negative thought occur that is in ANY way persistent, or a negative emotion surface, I go into my body with Quanta Freedom Healing to find the dense traumatic energy I am holding, load it up and shift it up and out.

Why would I not do this, when I know my life just gets better and better and better as a result … continually expanding and becoming more abundant, loving, joyful and magical?

For those of you who have not seen my Shifts Happen YouTube clips – this will grant you a better understanding of what Quanta Freedom Healing is, and how it works.

 

Turning Inwards

I want you to try this …

Think of something in your life that is a reoccurring painful thought and then close your eyes, open you body and breathe deeply and take your attention inside yourself.

State to yourself: Somewhere in my body is going to light up with this trauma I have wedged inside me.

Then it will … trust this.

It will feel like a dull (or sharp) ache, a sinking feeling, or even a somatic painful sensation.

It may feel heavy – like a depression or even dread.

Where is it?

Is it in your heart, your solar plexus, your back …  or maybe the pit of your stomach?

Maybe the dense energy is so big that it feels like it is under your skin everywhere throughout your body.

Then ask this part of you (wherever the energy is in your body) – with love and kindness (as if you were talking to a small hurt child who you adore) …

How old are you?

Be conscious that you are trying to get in contact with a previous underdeveloped part of yourself who still feels incapable of being a source to self and who still feels powerless, in regard to this trauma, this topic, you have just contacted in your body.

Trust your answer, and it will come to you through intuition – not logical analysis.

As a feeling … such as the flash of a number, or a memory … it will be however your subconscious chooses to communicate with you.

This communication may be loud and clear or barely audible. If we have been in our heads disconnected from our emotional self for all our life (which I put my hand up to previously) then this inner communication may take time … it can take dedicated, devoted effort on your part for your Inner Being to start trusting you and partnering with you with information.

But oh gosh … is it so worth persisting!

Trust and write down the age. If you receive the intuition of multiple ages, write down the youngest one.

Then ask this part of yourself, Sweetheart (or whatever term of endearment feels right for you) what is this about?

And do this with the loving intent to listen, be present, not judge – and to offer love and healing.

Be super-present.

Information may come –  scenes, feelings … or maybe words … of pain and fear.

Write the information down.

What you will find is the age appropriate wounds and terrors we suffered as little people that were never held and healed back to wholeness.

The wounds that we have been carrying forward with us, and still generating unconsciously in our life as adults – by meeting people who not only bring forth the dynamic reality of these unhealed wounds, but who are also carrying similar wounds of their own.

There is only one way out of that dance of love destruction.

Heal our own wounds back to wholeness.

We may attempt that with loving intent, or much Inner Child work and affirmations and most definitely that can provide some in the moment healing and relief.

Such as what you can do right now, if you are not working with Quanta Freedom Healing – you can be present with these wounds and offer your love, compassion and deep validation for the trauma that your Inner Being has suffered.

This can help a lot.

Yet, if we have intense and numerous traumas in our Inner Beings (which is very likely when we reached the make or break deal of narcissistic abuse) we may need some help to get past our constantly triggered obsessive thoughts, as well as the symptom of the traumas (such as PTSD) still wedged in our Being.

The shackles and blocks that can make it so difficult to fight our way out of the quagmire.

And it can be very difficult to clear space to reprogram our Inner Identity – just as it is very difficult to drive a Ferrari into a garage that is blocked off with a rusty old wreck, or put ice-cream on top of poop and think we can have an enjoyable desert!

Quanta Freedom Healing creates the “brain bypass” as the powerful game-changer that gets the job done, hence why you will hear so many people and myself constantly referring to NARP and NARPing (Quanta Freedom Healing Modules are in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

If you are new to the community or are unfamiliar with the NARP Program this page explain exactly how it works and how it came into being.

What we realise when we start coming out of the trance of living life from the outside in (obsessively thinking about everything) and instead start living life from inside out (going directly to the traumas to release and heal ourselves instead) is …

There is no point continuing to indulge in analysis paralysis when we continually experience that it only compounds the issues.

Why would we try to think our way out of trauma when the thinking is only at the consciousness level of trauma in our Inner Being?

And we wonder … why on earth weren’t we taught all along that this was never the REAL way to heal ourselves?

 

What If I Know This But My Head Continues to Get In The Way

Some of you people working with the NARP Program may be saying …

“I know ALL of this, I know the trauma is in my body, but what if my head derails me and takes me out and I can’t do shifts?”

Our egoic mind tries to control; it doesn’t like giving control up because it is insecure about it’s existence.

It obsesses, wants guarantees and answers NOW. It doesn’t like surrendering over to our super-conscious (which always holds and generates the perfect imprint of wellbeing, expansion and joy for us).

Also, our egoic mind loves to play the victim.

It likes to forgo personal responsibility by making everything and everyone else responsible for our pain – rendering us helpless to shift out of and release our trauma – because in the ego-hold our focus is NOT where our ONLY power lies – inside of us.

In the obsessive looped thoughts, we can be stuck in this trap.

Such as these Facebook posts demonstrate, which of course are common when trauma is trapped in someone’s Inner Being – generating the thoughts that match that trauma.

(I have great compassion for those in the agony, still trapped there – because I myself was in this torturous prison for long enough to nearly kill me.  And it is my greatest wish to help people get out of it, just as I have.)

“The greatest struggle I had was with the acceptance that the nice person I adored never even existed and also that he did most things to deliberately hurt me and as a form of punishment. Another struggle I still have is that he knew about my past abuse and did not even think twice to re-traumatize me.”

“I was told today that I’ve basically screwed his life … we aren’t together but now I feel awful and sad, we have minimal contact but even that little bit sends me right back to where I started. It’s horrible.”

“I think it’s mainly anger that keeps bringing my mind back to it. I have antidotes for when I feel frustration, resentment or the desire to control, and they serve me well. But my antidote for anger lets me down. Now and then, out of nowhere, I feel intense bursts of anger and find myself (in my head) really giving him/them a “piece of my mind”!”

“I was discarded AGAIN after an 18-year relationship with a very mentally/emotionally abusive Narc who triangulated me with his estranged wife. 18 months free of the monster and I am still stuck with so much self hate & living in a land of depression. I hate that I can’t find my way to start a new life. I so badly want to write MY STORY. I need help.”

This is sooooo painful … being constantly pounded by the powerless, painful thoughts that match the trauma in our body. I so know what that was like – because that was my entire life before Thriver Recovery!

When we realise the ego’s game … we recognise it’s like a cancer; it’s a parasite and it wants to live off the toxic dense energy in our body. It doesn’t want us to heal and tries to block that happening.

All egos eventually destroy their host … because they destroy life-force.

The ego is our Internal Narcissist – making out it serves us and protects us, but is destroying us instead.

How do we rid ourselves of ego?

The same way we do a narcissist … free ourselves of all of the internal trauma that allows it to attach within in us and feed.

When you release your internal trapped trauma your ego dissolves away with it.

To dissolve your ego away means you have to bypass you head, get into your body and access and shift the trauma out that is feeding your ego.

The ego’s domain is in your HEAD.

If you have been suffering from ego takeover (painful thoughts), then your head needs to be much less involved.

Here is a list of points to help you, those of you who are working with the NARP Program.

  • Whilst accessing a trauma in your body, if the story pulls you into it, then stop with getting information about “what it is” and simply feel the Energy of IT in your body. Do your shifts from there, with NO information until you can access information without getting dragged into it.
  • Know this: you are accessing information ONLY to be able to feel the charge of the trauma in your body. If you feel the charge, then there is NOT even a need to find the age or the information about it. Load up the trauma and shift it out with the process, and with your Inner Child see him / her as however he / she appears.
  • To heal any trauma there is NOTHING to learn, only traumatic energy to shift up and out and wellbeing to bring in. It is interesting and informative to get the “information” about it, but in NO way is it necessary.
  • Don’t run from the emotion (charge) in your body and don’t judge it. When you have claimed a trauma in your body and feel it (which is totally necessary to heal it), what is necessary is to just BE with it fully and unconditionally, as you would a child you adore who comes to you with intense pain (if you were being a conscious parent).
  • Hold the trauma by feeling it fully, being super-present, body open and breathing and just BE with it – heart open with love. Don’t talk up a “victim story” about it, such as: This is horrible, this is shocking. STOP doing that!
  • In stark contrast to trying to divorce yourself from negative emotions (leaving trauma there to feed your ego), say to yourself in the painful triggers, I bless and accept this feeling because it is leading to my greater liberation … and mean it with all your Being.

For you to Go Quantum and leave behind the victim egoic mind perspective for ever (accelerating your healing journey beyond description) that last point is VITAL.

And always … self-partner, go inwards and free yourself from the trauma.

Now you are living your life as you were always intended to – evolving yourself beyond Who You Were Being into the next Highest Version of Yourself – because every time you release trauma and bring in wellbeing as the replacement (which is what the QFH Process in the NARP Program does for you) all of that energy you had locked down trying to survive your wounds is unleashed to be available for love, creation, inspiration and miracle.

That is when your life starts taking off in ways that you simply did not have access to before as the Old Self.

When you start living as the New Self you will see …

You are finally Living.

 

To Do Is To Know

This 180 degree turn in the way you live, may be something your mind will demand “proof” of before trying.

But there is no way to get that – it is a reality that has to be experienced to be known.

As was stated in this brilliant post by Kirstie last week:

“What Mel describes, going into the body, is something you have to experience; it cannot be understood by words. Like this experience of trauma cannot be understood by describing it with words.

To know and not to do, is not to know.

I can now describe, speak about my experiences without having a physical reaction. It is now just a situation I went through in the past.

But in fact I don’t speak of it, because it’s not relevant now.

Do the body work and your life will become stable again, and your concentration will settle back to normal.

I did NARP for 2 years and now I am free and happy. I smile with my heart again.

I think sometimes we don’t believe we are doing it right (NARP) but one day it all just clicks into place and we start to notice we are grounded and stable again, and like we don’t know when the abuse took over, the same happens with being stable and happy again, it just happens, we don’t really notice. I think it’s good to reflect every few months the progress….because there is always progress.

Keep going, keep smiling NARPers….. x”

Many NARPers in this Community have discovered the same, just as I did, but of course you don’t have to take my word for it. Your mind may want to research (there is nothing wrong with being skeptical), so please do some research and read the many regular comments of people who are NARPers in this Community living this reality, and you will start to sense what is possible for you.

Most importantly connect to your cellular Inner Knowing …

What does all of this information feel like to you?

Some part of us always knows the truth.

That was exactly the part of us that also knew better when we were connected to the narcissist. Our Inner Knowing was screaming and warning us – something feels really wrong here, but it was our egoic mind that wanted a different reality …

Because of the parts of ourselves not yet healed back to wholeness – the insecure, scared parts that didn’t know how to let go, heal and generate for ourselves a healthy, solid and real reality.

Your Inner Being is no different to any other human being’s.

It can heal.

When you release and replace the trapped internal trauma – no matter WHAT your life circumstances presently are – then you, your thoughts and your Life must shift.

It’s Quantum Law.

That is what the Thriver Way is all about.

I hope you have enjoyed Part 2 as the conclusion to this series, and I look forward to answering your questions and comments.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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42 Thoughts on How To Evict The Narcissist From Your Head And Move On With Your Life – Part 2
  • Tinajoankelly@gmail.com'
    Tina
    February 17, 2017

    Many thanks Mel for all the wonderful advice you have given in these emails. I can’t afford to buy the NARP program at the moment but at least I can start working on my inner traumas. My divorce is coming up soon and I am terrified that my ex is going to take my house from me. He has told his solicitors so many lies and I worry about how much he will be believed. I cannot not afford to pay him any money as my son and I are living hand to mouth. The house was left me by my late husband and so it should be my sons inheritance . I have let go of all the thoughts of wanting my ex back and know that I have to do the work in order to heal but it really is this problem with the house and divorce that is proving to be my biggest obstacle at the moment. Has anyone got any advice that would help me please?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Tiny,

      you are very welcome. And my heart goes out to you in this difficult and stressful time.

      Please know we do have sponsorship assistance for people who need help with NARP.

      All you need to do is send an email to support@melanietoniaevans.com and explain your circumstances to apply.

      There is so much love and support in the NARP Forum from Thrivers who have been through exactly what you are dealing with right now, and who have come out the other side.

      That would be a wonderful help for your right now.

      Also please google my name + divorcing a narcissist + settlements etc. as I have created quite a few resources about this, and I hope they can help you.

      Big hugs and stay strong, you can and will get through this.

      Mel xo

      • bgentry0914@gmail.com'
        Darel
        March 3, 2017

        Im not tech savvy and have never blogged before, so if I am doing this wrong, please forgive me.
        I appreciate every written and spoken word in your articles and videos. I have seen all I could find. I believe and trust in your methodology. I have also tried the exercises. I’ve been seeking relief from torment for only 4 weeks, but its put me at my wits end. I have recognized many, many triggers and pains, but I can’t connect with with my inner self and localize the pain source. I search and search and beg my body to show me, but without a sign. I have felt these pains for as long as I can remember and am so tired of only existing. Please divulge the secret to finding the source of the pain and releasing, and connecting.
        I have signed up for your webinar, but its seems is very far away. Is there anything I can do differently.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 3, 2017

          Hi Darel,

          you have done great with the posting a comment!

          Darel all instructions as well as deep included coaching come with the NARP Program and in the NARP Forum

          There is no risk for you to come in at this level, and you can begin and come in immediately.

          That would be my suggestion – because what you are describing may need some deeper work /understanding to get flowing.

          Mel xo

  • miba@mail.be'
    Miba
    February 17, 2017

    A lot of repetition in this article, but it’s very necessary :).

    I’m hoping it will inspire more people to join in.

    People, if you’re tired of the pain. If you’ve had enough of living your life the way you have up until this point, then please – by all means – try the NARP programme.

    It is the best investment I ever made.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Miba,

      thank you for your recommendation, and I am so pleased NARP has been able to help so much.

      Mel xo

  • info@psyche.co.za'
    Stella
    February 17, 2017

    Its been a difficult and long journey and I’ve had to take breaks from doing the NARP modules at times. But I really do feel like its starting to pay off. In my heart I know the truth of Melanie’s wisdom as to the causes of the pain and trauma. I too had a total meltdown and personal ego breakdown replete with psychosis and agoraphobia. None of that would have been possible without crippling internal beliefs. There were weeks when all I could do was the modules and TRE because my breakdown was so complete- I too was suicidal and powerless, experiencing what felt like 6 hour long panic attacks daily-an excruciating existence. I have come through with a combination of medication and commitment to NARP. I had to supplement with the ‘shift’s happen’ episodes to help me release as my ego was really getting in the way. Fortunately Melanie is SO dedicated, committed and keeps supplying more and more material to help those of us who are ‘stuck’ but willing to persevere. Forget abut the narcissist- when you experience total collapse as I did, the only reality is your own illness and the need to find a cure or die! If this is you, don’t delay, commit to the NARP modules today! Thank you so much, Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Stella,

      you are so welcome and it is wonderful you are making your way back too from such a breakdown, and I am so happy Shifts Happen has helped you learn more about how to circumvent your ego.

      It takes huge courage and please know you are an inspiration!

      Mel xo

  • lanie.francisco@gmail.com'
    ephemeral
    February 17, 2017

    tINA please find the channel “Dad Surviving Divorce” on Youtube

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    LadyJedi
    February 18, 2017

    Thanks Melanie for clarifying that the age and the information about the charge are NOT a requirement to do the work!! This is massive for me. One of the reasons why I took a break from moduling is because not getting information left me too much in my head looking for one. During the past months I have done Reiki and Bioenergetics, and it seems like it complemented perfectly what I had started with NARP, because I was just releasing and I realized for the first time that I didn’t need the “information” part to shift things. Since then I have been wondering if it was the same for the moduling and you address it here very clearly and now I understand it is much simpler that it seemed to me few months ago!! In the last days I kept moduling in “chunks” and also not focusing on the information – glad to know I am on the right path, it is working indeed! I am working on some minor triggers that I had in the last days, but overall I am not the person I was one year ago. I am so happy to be on this journey of self healing and empowerment.
    Much love Mel , thanks xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      my pleasure and I am so pleased this has helped.

      Yes it certainly is working, and that is wonderful you are moving forward and up and out of trauma!

      That is wonderful you love this path – bless you Lady Jedi!

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    LadyJedi
    February 18, 2017

    Mel I also have a question, a family friend (in her 60ies, my mom’s age) is going through a divorce from a Narc…In my country there aren’t really many resources , neither to understand or to heal…And she is not familiar with english. It breaks my heart not being able to refer other loved ones to these resources, what is the best way to help them and spread the message to non-english speakers?? xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      I hear you and I would love to bring this information to other languages – and this is a global project in the future.

      It is so needed for non-english speaking people.

      The best way to help those we love – English speaking or not is to see and feel them within us as finding their way and getting empowered.

      When we do shifts inside our own body about our concern for them into solidness and empowerment – they often shift to reflect that.

      You can learn more about how what works in the NARP Forum Lady Jedi.

      Mel xo

      • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
        Sonia
        February 20, 2017

        I offer to translate into spanish lovely ladies!!!

  • terrigemini777@aol.com'
    terri
    February 18, 2017

    Thanks Mel. I needed more than ever to read this today. I have been separated from my narc for 4 months. Just dating after the divorce for 11 years. But even the emotional trauma of trying then being let down, used emotionally, thinking you can fix someone. I have lowered the bar not even realizing I was doing it. Baby steps have helped me. But now at the end I still find myself obsessing. It is torture not being able to stop this obsessing. Your article came perfectly. I have inner trauma from a child and know it has to still be there. Thank you, your work has helped me so much more than you realize. Sending Lots of love to you……………………………………

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 18, 2017

      Hi Terri,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so pleased this is making sense as to why this is happening, and you see the connection.

      Wishing you the best in hugs and healing Terri.

      Mel xo

  • sevenseas@swbell.net'
    Lucky
    February 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie! =D
    I am going through all of the materials again from the webinar and I just wanted to thank you for the wealth of information you gave us!
    I’m re-reading it all from the beginning and highlighting and I’m having some fantastic AHA’s! I continue to have AHA’s in NARP with the material, Modules and Forum! Thank you so much! =D

    I have a question for you Melanie:
    I do not have a job and I have tons of free time every day to do whatever. Would you recommend I go ahead and look for a job now or after 1-2+ months of moduling and when I feel mostly free of N Hooks and my Adrenal Fatigue is gone?

    I still have TONS of stuff to clear in the modules.

    I’m thinking that the person I am NOW (with N Hooks & Triggers & Truama & PTSD & Adrenal Fatigue & Fear & so much confusion about who I am and what I really want) and the person I’ll be a month from now and two months from now, after doing the modules every day, would attract a TOTALLY DIFFERENT JOB or IDEAS for a JOB, one that is much more in alignment with Love / Abundance & Truth.

    What are your thoughts on this?
    Thank you so much for everything Lovely Melanie! =D

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Lucky,

      that is so great that you have been experiencing ahahas, shifts and breakthroughs.

      Lucky I love that Life is always flourishing and nourishing us, and is totally unlimited and unconditional – you certainly don’t have to perfect to experience awesomeness! We just need to KNOW that and be in alignment enough to listen to our interconnected Inner Beings.

      Have the feelings you have had about getting a job felt inspirational and like a positive call forward?

      Or is it a feeling of guilt and “I should do this?”

      If you don’t necessarily have to get a job now and it is the latter feeling – then I would suggest enjoying some more “you” time.

      If you feel inspired it is because you have released enough of the trauma to make space for a wonderful new expansion in you life.

      Do you have to perfect now?

      No!

      Does the job need to be perfect now?

      Absolutely not.

      All Life needs to be is enjoyable, offering wonderful connections, as well another wonderful opportunity to learn and grow, and who knows the Next Step?

      It means we are in the flow and Living – that is you only goal!

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

      • sevenseas@swbell.net'
        Lucky
        February 22, 2017

        Melanie,

        You said exactly what I was hoping to and needing to hear . Your reply was so comforting. Thank you so very very much!

        You helped me see I have NOT released enough trauma yet.

        I LOVED hearing that I will actually FEEL INSPIRED and excited to get a job when I’ve released enough trauma.
        That is a really exciting goal to have!

        You have helped so much! Thank you again Melanie!

        =D <3

  • nina.stahl26@gmail.com'
    Nina
    February 18, 2017

    Hi I have just read your article, I have just left the safety of my house at least I had a bedroom and it was my house to the unsafely of my mother’s house, the second d unsafe place because I am so sick.

    I don’t have the guts to leave again and I Am going mad.

    I see in I had stayed at my house despite narcissist being present, at least I could sleep.

    Wish I had read your I formation o there.

    Everything you say is right. I have been and am o the verge of insanity for years declared m entaily I’ll by mother and sister and narcissist doctor

  • lsingle52@gmail.com'
    Laurie Yair
    February 18, 2017

    I have sent some comments before..it has been a long time…in short, I am in a horrible situation with my very abusive 22 year old daughter for the last three years and more actually…in 2012 approximately, when she (she has a psychiatric condition and I was still living with my abusive, narcissist husband at the time) had been convinced by her father to quit the med., he brain-washed her to hate me since I had been giving her med for her psychiatric condition…the med calms her down(she was in a hospital for a few years and boarding home) so, at this time she became abusive with me as well and violent. Before I left the home, my other younger daughter and I ran away from her in dear to our rooms because she was so violent physically. I finally left the home…but I made a mistake and moved into a rental way too close to that home and this daughter of mine found me fast! Since then, she would come at all different hours of nite and day, popping up unexpectedly and screaming at me and waking the other’s in the apt bldg. The police would come and I finally had to get a restraining order to keep her away. But it didn’t keep her away. Last year she almost tore down the door!

    Since she has nowhere to live (yet) because of her psychiatric disorder, because no social worker has found a place for her…she has not agreed to go to rehabilitation. So, she has been living with her father. A few months ago I left that last rental and she hasn’t found me thank G-d but she calls me and I meet her…yet every time we meet, she screams at me very loudly outside and so many people stare at us…

    I am quite sure that she is narcissist as well as abusive.

    I have been seeing a social worker over the last year and a half to help me with her. She works in a mental hospital with so many people who suffer from all the different mental disorders…and finally she met with my daughter this week. She is trying to get her to cooperate and to sign papers for rehabilitation.

    Unfortunately, this daughter is in an abusive cycle as I had been and my husband whom I am trying to divorce who is a narcissist and very abusive and she ended up in an ambulance again last night.

    I am praying that my daughter will continue to cooperate and fill out the rehabilitation papers.

    Two years ago, by chance, someone through the municipality found the most wonderful non profit which helps abused women. I had, at the time, moved out but had only been out of the house for a very short time. Well…the non profit found me a wonderful mentor. This mentor met me every week for coffee for 2 full hours and this is what she did: she helped me with that inner being. She helped me find all the good things in me. In the very beginning I said to her, “there are none”…she asked me to start writing down what I can do, what I liked about myself. It was torture! But then, it flowed. Once you realize that you are good at things, that you are unique, you will care and love yourself.

    I am almost deaf and have no work. I had to stop studying at the University after only the first half year as I contracted a horrible inner ear disease called Meniere’s. My life changed completely and I ended up in Israel. I found work way back in about 1982 as an English typist which was all I could really do! But then, I met this man whom I married who became abusive and then I had the daughters..one of which has become abusive as well.

    But since the mentor meetings and her wonderful help, I realize that you owe yourself RESPECT and you don’t take abuse. At least it helped with my husband…but with this 22 year old daughter it is torture because I cannot escape her.

    Laurie Yair
    Israel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Laurie,

      my heart goes out to you that is so painful what you have been through, and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be to have the ongoing issues with your daughter.

      I so 100% agree that we have the power in our Inner Being to overcome the agony of so much, and it can generate what is love and wholesomeness for ourselves, which painfully, of course, can include strong boundaries to others.

      Yet, when we work at the Inner Being level we can call others up – if they can shift – to where we are – emotionally / energetically.

      And, regardless of how that goes we can heal ourselves – our state of Life can be unconditional .. and this is not selfish … it is what we are called to Live as.

      That is so wonderful this angel mentor has come into your Life.

      If you haven’t heard this Thriver Show Laurie, I believe it may be able to help you.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-our-children-by-proxy-fathers-day-special/

      Mel xo

  • spectreviolet@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    February 19, 2017

    Dearest Quantum Guru,

    Once again your posts come like an oracular answer to an unasked question. Many, many times lately I’ve been doing my modules and there is simply no info in my notebook for many of the shifts: I’m too busy writhing around on the floor, or screaming or crying or just too involved in the sensations to write anything down. Thanks so much for clarifying that this is exactly how energy works and that no “story” needs to be attached to it. This was very freeing. I think I’ve noticed for myself and some other NARPers on the forum there’s a feeling that we’re “not doing it right”…as if our little me’s could do this wrong! I think some of us are so used to not listening to ourselves we doubt our insticts…even with this most intimate, delicate work on/with ourselves. I have come to understand that the cognitive effects bear out for me in “real life” as my sub-conscience moves through life free from these limiting survival programs and beliefs. As Malcom X said, “free your mind and your a** will follow!” Things that used to be crippling triggers are simply noted for mild annoyances or if they keep cropping up are dealt with in the modules. Jobs, and gigs are coming and the divorce is proceeding. I am healthier, happier and no longer looking for anyone else to blame or solve problems for me. Next step: really feeling the love the universe has for me!

    So thank you again, dear Mel for the timely advice and thanks to all of you in the NARP community for the love, compassion and healing that I and so many others benefit from everyday. Lots of love to you all!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Violet,

      Dear Lady!

      I am so pleased this has helped … yes – agreed! It is so freeing …

      Again you are SO right – it is a huge trick of the mind ‘maybe I am not doing it right / adequately / perfectly’ (whatever the story is!)

      Yet … all we need to do is be the energy and feel it.

      I love what Malcolm X said – he nailed it!

      How wonderful you have cleared space inside and things are falling into place! You SO deserve the best 🙂

      I ADORE your next step “Life unconditionally loves and flourishes and nourishes and flows through me!” … that is my alignment, and go for whatever feels great for you!

      Thank you for sending your love to all, and many blessings back to you Violet darling.

      Mel xo

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Meg
    February 19, 2017

    It is difficult work to get past my ego and connect with my inner emotions. I have never experienced such positive results, though. The results of this are not dependant on anyone else giving me a thumbs up. Or a stranger assessing my well-being from their viewpoint. It is only my own feelings and my own life that determines what is going on. I love the way this healing requires us to be the final judge on how things are really going for us. And life is happy to show us if we are off track, so the refreshing perspective from others comes at me in a very sensory way, directly from situations that I have unconsciously created or been pulled into. Any repeater negative situation tells me is that there is something to heal there so I can stop repeating that pattern. So I can then find it and go and heal it.

    It is surprising that this whole program costs the same as a pair of nice shoes. Or one or two counselling sessions. And after so much time searching, I finally have healing to do that makes sense to me because it works.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2017

      Hi Meg,

      it so is when we have believed that our ego is necessary, defends us and keeps us safe.

      Initially it is a huge challenge to let go and allow something so much wiser, more loving and healthy to step in.

      It is nothing short of “death / rebirth”.

      How wonderful you are now partnering directly with Life – that is what it is all about!

      It is freedom!

      I am so pleased NARP has helped you so much!

      Mel xo

  • soolahhoops@gmail.com'
    Soolah
    February 21, 2017

    Thank you so much for this clarification! I tend to over analyze and I have noticed after hitting my year mark that things were coming up for me even after doing all of the modules. I have been back in them over the past month but especially with the last two modules because I felt that was where I was. I could also see that having gotten into a long distance relationship that I had a triggers come up. And oddly with my year mark months before people and the N started cropping up without me even looking. A random photo on social media as an advertisement for something I do somehow happened, people telling me things and recently people telling me about the people he was involved with. I sometimes am not even sure how to let people know I just don’t need to know anything except maybe that they will be somewhere I am other than that I don’t care. For me now a year out to pretty much the day of the ending of my last one this distant relationship seems to be ending (not in a bad way mind you but a little confusing) and so I am diving back in. I have taken breaks from the modules at points too because I get so wiped out after a while and I feel it is because trying to find the “what is this about” instead of just feeling the feeling and putting the pieces of the whole “story” thing has been a big part of it feeling tired. I feel sometimes it is helpful but even if we get the “story” my guess is that we really need to just feel the feelings that it brings up instead. That makes more sense to me. I will take this route and see how it goes. Thank you for this and maybe it would be great if there was a Shift Happens: Just Feel It! that guides people through just feeling any trauma and not obsessing on getting deep into the story. And also maybe one that is about Creating Your New Story.

    • darcylynnb@hotmail.com'
      Darcy
      February 21, 2017

      Love your suggestions for Shift Happens episodes, Soolah!

  • darcylynnb@hotmail.com'
    Darcy
    February 21, 2017

    This was so incredibly helpful, because as others have noted in their posts, I was taking breaks, too, due to feeling “wiped out” or not getting enough info for my notebook. But then I’d feel guilty for taking those breaks because I am so dedicated to my healing and this felt as though I wasn’t being dedicated enough. What a relief! Thank you for continued generosity as a way-shower guiding us on this path of healing – you are deeply appreciated.

  • jannevill@gmail.com'
    Jan
    February 21, 2017

    ‪More wonderful clarity from you Mel. As a lifelong over thinker I can absolutely testify that once you get out of your head and focus on your emotional reaction in your body healing takes place. It’s a crazy truth that it takes courage to step into your body when everything is screaming with pain but once you do it’s like stepping into the eye of the storm, you become aware of the raging around you but you start to focus on the peace that comes if you simply weather it. The panic subsides, you start to understand that the pain is not going to kill you, and as you reach in to love and embrace it something shifts and you feel safer sitting with your pain than you ever did trying to control it with your mind. ‬

    ‪It takes time to override your lifelong natural instinct, to constantly and gently push your ego/mind to one side and to step into the dark with your sobbing inner child but the more you do it the easier it becomes. ‬

    We have been conditioned not to do this all of our lives, emotional pain has been seen as weakness because it reveals truths that individuals and society find uncomfortable. ‘Don’t make a fuss’, ‘you’ve no sense of humour’, ‘you are such a killjoy’, ‘there, there, time will heal’ and many more controlling phrases designed to free others from having to witness our pain and sit with it. They push it and us away because of what it does to them, it triggers their own uncomfortable wounds, but we see this as a reflection on and rejection of us so we shut down the part of us that would sit and comfort the hurting child.

    Mel thank you for this clarity. I am not yet a year into NARP but already I have experienced life changing healing and am slowly learning to use my ‘storyteller’ ego in a constructive and healing way, learning not to be frightened or gripped by her stories but following her straight to my ‘little me’ so that we can sit in loving harmony together holding each other and nursing the pain away. I’m getting there! There is still a long way to go, especially in my interactions with others (not close friends but random others who are AIDs) when ‘stories’ play out whether I want them to or not, but shifts are happening.

  • Davina.casey@yahoo.com.au'
    Newme
    February 21, 2017

    The poor woman.
    She will be built up so high with the attention, declarations of love and the dazzling charm.
    Then slowly…. and sometimes in short sharp jabs… her life- her spirit- will be sucked dry.
    She and her children have entered the vortex of destruction that i have now exited. I was saved by the grace of Jesus who finally had seen enough of my spirit being turned to ashes. The Lord loves me to no end.
    I wonder why this new woman has to now suffer at the fangs of the spider, to be trapped in his web until she is a husk and can give nothing more. Must she learn the heart wrenching lesson that i had to? Must her children have to suffer the confusion and anxiety of seeing their mother sucked dry before their very eyes? The spider will tell them it is her own fault.
    Seeing that the spider is now in a relationship with her, after such a short time, reaffirmed my knowing that he is a malignant narcissist.
    That poor woman.
    I feel no jealousy. But he makes things public to try and hurt me. The only hurt i would have would be if i was still there in his web but i am free now. The kids and i are free.
    I wondered over and over WHAT IS IT that makes me think of him so often. And then i realised…. he was a thief (in every way) but in saying this i mean he stole me from me. He stole my self esteem and my innocence. He stole most of my spirit until the last bit of fight in me, with Gods help, allowed me to wrench myself free for good. He stole from me, and because of those things i realised i kept thinking of him- because he was the last place i had seen them. My mind wanders back to the thief in order to try and find whats lost. But he has no intention of giving it back. I realise that now.
    So instead…. i grow new spirit. I grow anew. This is the resurrection of me. And i feel new truly good things. With him i felt hopeless and helpless. Now with clarity i see a potential like
    Nothing else. I leave the past in the past…. and i exhale in relief because doing so is my own decision. Truly i am so worthy of beauty in my life.

  • upsidedowndevi@gmail.com'
    Devon
    February 26, 2017

    Thank you once again Mel, perfect timing for me with this one having just been through court with my very young child and all the story that goes with that.

    I was finding connecting with my usual NARP practice increasingly difficult as the situation unfolded. I was so incredibly fortunate to be able to connect with, not one, but two wonderful moderators on the forum, who both eloquently detailed what you have written in the above article. Because of their advice I was able to move through the process with a much greater level of dignity, far greater than I ever thought possible.

    I walked out of court with my head held high knowing, that no matter the outcome, I had stood firmly in my truth. I was not bullied, intimidated and harassed into submission/agreement as I had been my tendency in the past. I went home and could look my child squarely in the eyes and assure him with confidence that I was being the absolute very best mummy that I could possibly be. It was extreme circumstances and the evidence of my ‘not collapsing’ is now more than enough for me to again continue my NARP journey (and the ‘Empowered Self’ journey) with renewed commitment, focus and vigour.

    As a result I now have no doubt that a full recovery and thriving (as you have described) is not only probable for me but inevitable! I’ve been engaged with NARP for 16 months now. Your unwavering support and guidance via (uncannily timed) articles and forum has been so pivotal and have formed the solid basis of, and inform, all my other healing work (I also have a daily yoga practice and meditate, study non-violent parenting, do daily yoga nidra and get weekly shiatsu treatments), I thank you deeply now and I have now doubts that my child will also thank you deeply in 20 years time!!

    All my love and gratitude to you and your team and wishing you strength for your continued efforts in this specialised area of healing and recovery. And all my love to anyone stuck in the throws of the trauma, only the bravest souls choose this perilous journey as a means to healing, through this work you will transform your self, your family, your community and, in effect, the whole world! It’s a big big calling, but resistance really is futile.

  • play@netvigator.com'
    HappyCamper
    February 27, 2017

    Thanks Mel, that was a really good article.

    Can I just clarify, say I am out and about and I get triggered by something and feel the charge of the trauma in my body, if I then and there load it up and shift it out, and BE with it, and love myself, then I will be clearing some of my internal trapped trauma without my having to figure out the associated belief at that time?

    I find that when I am trying to work out the belief, I get stuck in my head. It would be really helpful to know what to do in those odd unexpected moments when I feel that surge and rush of tingles and vibration etc etc, like the start of panic and overwhelm, it would be nice to think that if I could have the wherewithal within me to remember to love myself at that time, then the trauma would start to heal.

    Ah ha! I think I also have a belief that I have to do things exactly right, or they won’t work, or someone will be unhappy with me – how co-dependent is that! Yes a Belief to work on. But if the meantime, you could let me know about how to handle sudden unexpected triggering 🙂

    • leighcostain@yahoo.com'
      Leigh
      February 28, 2017

      You might check out the two posts on “Evicting the Narcissist From Your Head”. I struggle with the same issues and that really helped me.

    • leighcostain@yahoo.com'
      Leigh
      February 28, 2017

      Oops, apologies, this is that post! There is a section at the end where she gives bullet points to help shut down the monkey brain. It really worked for me!

      • play@netvigator.com'
        HappyCamper
        March 1, 2017

        Thanks for that 🙂 Those are good bullet points. I had thought that they were for when one is at home working through a module and doing the shifts etc. Its just that sometimes I am out of the house, get triggered by something unexpected and then get a lot of trauma energy for I don’t know what reason. Thank you for reminding me to re-read the post.
        I guess it Does mean then if I am triggered, I just need to self-partner; have compassion for what I am feeling, I do not need to figure out what it is, all I need to do is breathe, Be with it, and it will go away and clear.
        Then when I get home, I can just do whatever module feels right – whether it is related or not does not matter 🙂

  • leighcostain@yahoo.com'
    Leigh
    February 28, 2017

    Melanie,

    I’ve been NARPing for about a month. I finally broke up with the narc (again) last week and went full no contact. I am dedicated to spending at least the next six months on my own working on this healing. That is a huge statement coming from me, as the thought of spending time alone used to send me into a tailspin of anxiety and depression. Now I am managing to enjoy my company. Thank you so much, what a gift.

    Also, I am reading Dispelling Wetiko by Paul Levy and it is life changing. I heard you recommend it somewhere. Lol, I feel I should make it my personal mission to get as many people as possible to read this book!

    Thank you for giving so much of yourself. I have written a blog before, and I know how much work goes into each post and video. You are giving us so much of yourself. As you get more popular, I’m sure more “haters” will emerge (it’s the nature of the Internet). please ignore them and know that you are deeply appreciated.

    Sending love and gratitude.

    Leigh

  • jetpilotkc@gmail.com'
    Feeling Cynical
    February 28, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    first off, I want to thank you for all the content you post. It has been very helpful to many.

    My question pertains to trauma experienced very early in life, specifically the first few days. I was delivered via c-section, and so while my mother recovered from the operation, I was left under the care of my father and grandparents. At the time, no one in my family realized (cognitively) that my grandfather was a satanic Paedophile, so no one questioned leaving me under his care. The result of this scenario was my trust being broken almost immediately after being born, which manifested as an aversion for affection from adults that has lasted my entire life. With my parents being unaware of the causation behind my ‘fussiness’, paired with a desire to have a ‘resilient and self reliant” baby, my aversion to affection wasn’t dealt with using touch therapy, but by isolating me in my crib to cry myself to sleep every night.

    This all left me with an intense longing for affection paired with a fear of the very thing I longed for most. I also have Aspergers, or in other words, operate on the Autistic spectrum. I also am gay and grew up in a small rural town in the midwest. All of these things together made it incredibly difficult to seek out the affection I desired. It created a story of, “I will never see love. I will die alone.” …a pretty intense mantra for a prepubescent girl. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that finally I had some form of romantic interest.

    I can’t describe the feeling of receiving desired affection for the first time after 18 years of not believing it existed. I was hooked… not in a “sex addict, do anything to get as much as possible kind of way”, but in a hopelessly devoted puppy dog kind of way. She could have asked me to do anything and I would have done it.. not even for sex (she often withheld and cheated on me) but just to be cuddled. We eventually broke up, but I became a serial monogamist at that point, willing to do anything, make any sacrifice, whatever it took just to feel secure in having someone to cuddle with. As you can maybe imagine, this attitude brought me nothing but an onslaught of narcissists, drawn in by my ‘let me serve you and worship the ground you walk on, in exchange for a periodic cuddle” demeanor. It wasn’t until my most recent relationship with a true sociopath that I finally realized all of my trauma and started working towards a healthier relationship with myself. I have been strictly no contact with that person for 15 months.

    What I struggle with most is being cynical. My trust in others was broken before my mother even got to see and hold me for the first time. The one and only time I went on a ‘date’ with a man (I was 29, he was 57, I felt bad he was lonely, I told him I was gay, he promised to be respectful) he drugged and raped me. Ive lost literally everything I own to romantic partners twice. A mentally unstable homeless woman I was trying to find work and shelter for developed feelings for me, and when I tried to gently and kindly set boundaries with her, she stole my truck and totaled it in an attempt to end her life. I know my vedic astrology is rotten and a lot of these lessons are just part of my karma, but how does one overcome to cynical feeling of pointlessness? How can I drop a defense mechanism thats as old as I am? Gratitude practices help. Forgiveness practices help.. but only on the surface.. deep down there is still a confused inner child, cracking jokes about how messed up the world is, praying for a giant meteor or a pole shift, because these things are less scary than to ask for a hug and not get one.

    Any advice? I can’t afford the NARP system, and I don’t even have a disc drive if I could.

  • lynnette@sasktel.net'
    Lynnette C Bates
    March 4, 2017

    Melanie,
    I am glad to have your stuff to read and I have been trying to work on myself. I have been seperated from my ex 6 years, divorced for 5. I would love to do no contact as he angers me so much. Unfortunately we have 3 children to co parent and the courts had us going to mediation. I finished my acquired sessions and refused to do more. I still get the feelings that I’m doing wrong by my kids and I need his approval, I know somewhere in my head that this is not how it should be, yet, I still email him or call to run things by him. I know I’m a big girl and I know that I am a great mom… so why do I struggle with this. Somedays I tell myself it’s just better to do this and keep the peace, then have him get angry with me or take it out on the kids as there has been alot of the kids coming home and saying Dad says we can’t do this or that. My ex has gone through cycles and he is in his nice phase right now, this makes me leary and I feel like I’m on eggshells wondering what does he want or when is he going to pull something. It seems like whenever I let my guard down that’s when he throws something at me in regards to how I am screwing up or how he is a better father. I want to be happy, I don’t want to think about him or feel like I need his approval.
    Anyways I’m not sure what else to say, all I know is I want off this rollercoaster and to stop replaying everything over and over again in my head.

  • 1a1p3eae@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    March 10, 2017

    Until I found this I thuhgot I’d have to spend the day inside.

  • summergirl8g5@yahoo.com'
    Rose
    March 20, 2017

    Hi Melanie. I cannot afford your modules right now but in the future I should be able to do so. In the meantime, I wanted to tell you what happened in my situation. I was with this man for 2 years.

    Started a LD relationship with a man (in retrospect it should have been a red flag for me he was looking for relationship in another city), he sweeped me off my feet, send daily sweet words, said I love you many times, came to visit, send valentines flowers, etc. My heart was into him very deeply. My father was distant and remote, my mother left the family when I was 6. My father sent me off to foster homes and for the life of me cannot understand how a man could be so cold. It is possible these are the reasons I clung so long and hard to the toxicity of this situation.

    About 6 months in I noticed him being inconsistent with attention, rarely talking about anyone in his life (later found out he has tons of relatives!), sexting a lot, but also giving saying we were going to be together one day, bla, bla, bla. I was hooked very hard despite feeling something was off. He played some mind games also, like sending me some texts that sounded like they were meant for someone else, and him just writing back after to say “don’t know where that came from”. Also caught him placing NSA sex ads online. Answered them anonymously and sure enough it was him. You would like after this, a woman with any self-esteem whatsoever would have bolted for good. Not me. I obsessed night and day.

    Fast forward to last month, he advised he had cancer and was moving temporarily to Toronto to get treatments. He kept in touch until 2 weeks ago when I got no replies to texts. I figured his medical situation was the reason so didn’t make a fuss. He popped in 3 days after that to say how much he loved me and always will. I wrote back to say the same and want to be together. He never replied back.

    I looked online earlier this week to see his obituary, that he passed away in hospital. The BIGGER shock was what I saw in the family photos that were posted on the condolences web page. There were 2 photos of him going through a wedding ceremony with some other woman!!!! Pic also showed him wearing a wedding ring. Pic was date stamped a week before he passed on. I feel completely betrayed!!!

    Unless there was some other valid reason for marrying this woman, I don’t know how to move on from this. Night and day I cry and how stupid I was to trust him. I always had troubles trusting men but wanted to open my heart up finally instead of living in a shell.

    Can you make any sense of this situation for me? Were all his words lies? Thank you.

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