Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist If You Can’t Go No Contact

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you’ve been a member of this community for more than a little while, you will know I passionately believe it’s best to create No Contact with a toxic person as soon as possible.

This grants you the space to turn inward and begin healing yourself, without the daily episodes that trigger your deepest unconscious wounds, sending you ten steps backwards, rather than making your way forward.

But what if this person is not someone you can cut out of your life right away?

You might have children or an existing business with this person, or an ongoing settlement or divorce that hasn’t taken place yet.

Or in the case of a family member, they may be someone who is close to other family members and are present at family gatherings.

Or they could be a colleague at work, someone in a friendship group or even a neighbour, which would mean changing a big part of your life in order to remove yourself from them.

Whatever the case, there are many of us that may have to deal with a narcissist indefinitely at one point or another.

And it is for this reason that I think it’s very important that you know how to deal with them.

Over the years there’s been times when I’ve had to engage with a narcissist for a period of time, and I promise you this … they do not disturb my way of being and they don’t stop anything I am generating or creating in my Life.

They literally have NO effect on me.

They can’t trigger me and confuse my thinking.

They don’t play on my insecurities to hook me or engage in their games.

They don’t appeal to my vulnerabilities leaving me thinking I need them in any shape or form.

When around them, I don’t have to dumb down, hide out or change anything about myself.

They simply don’t and can’t enforce any hold over me …

And what I am going to share in this two-part article is all about this, how (if No Contact is not possible) to exist with a narcissist, whereby you and the abuser may as well be living in two separate Universes.

That’s the goal …

If your current situation means that you must face a narcissist, I truly hope this article series serves as a resource to manage this in the most effective way possible.

 

The Necessary Warning Signs

Before I get into the meat of this article … I want to be very, very clear to you … pointing out what I know I once would have done myself with the information in this article.

Used it as an excuse not to go No Contact.

I know, once upon a time, I would have used ANY excuse not to go No Contact with narcissist number one (I did that for several years nearly all the way to my death).

At the surface level I thought our love was eternal and I didn’t want to let go, thinking I would never experience a love like that again.

However, the deeper real truth was this: I believed without him I could NEVER survive and be a source of love, approval, security and survival to myself.

Now I know this was nothing more than unhealed wound that are now healed, and as a result my life bares NO resemblance to those beliefs at all anymore. Nor do I have any physical, mental, emotional or psychic connection to any previous narcissist in my life.

Please know from the bottom of my heart – if you stay attached to a narcissist for the wrong reasons Life and the necessity of your evolution is going to BITE you fair and square on your butt!

You won’t get peace, healing, control and safety, because the parts of you that want this person to turn around, act nicely and become your source of the things that you are not healing yet within yourself, will still be hurt and triggered.

The massive lesson is this – if we are not taking responsibility for growing these parts of ourselves up and healing them back to wholeness, the people we try to make responsible for them will not heal them – they will only tear our insecurities up more.

You may want to use another one of my previous excuses … it is good for my healing because he is pushing everything inside me I need to heal. Yes, he was – but because I was focused on him and not detaching to heal myself … so what? I wasn’t addressing it.

I was just getting more abused and broken.

Please don’t make the same mistake I did.

Detach and heal is ALWAYS the goal – no matter what the situation is that you are in.

 

What Does Not Being Affected Really Mean?

Let’s investigate the goals of dealing with any narcissist who is still having any effect on us …

  • Stop handing them narcissistic supply, and
  • Take back your power by healing the unconscious wounds within you that allows a narcissist to hook you for narcissistic supply.

Because when you achieve this – the narcissist MUST and will take his or her behaviour and drama elsewhere for easier feeding.

This is the deal … a False Self cannot continue expending energy on someone where there is no energetic (attention providing) payoff.

Yet, how do we do that when a narcissist goes for our greatest trigger points with all the accuracy, intensity and impact of a heat seeking missile scud?

We may as well say, “How on earth do you expect me to NOT react?!”

Yet … I promise you there is a way to be in the vicinity of narcissists having them as family members or be in business with them, or even co-parenting and not be affected and even be able to assert your own rights.

The greatest truth is this: You will NOT be in your power whilst you are being emotionally triggered and regressing back into the emotional space of your unhealed wounds – which can range all the way from beliefs and traumas epigenetically acquired from your ancestors and were likely to be supplemented from events in your childhood as things like:

“People who love me hurt me”, “I am insignificant to others and discarded and unloved by them”, “I am not safe in life”, “Authorities and people persecute me and punish me”, “I have to earn love and acceptance”, “Nothing I ever do is good enough to be loved”, “If I am replaced by another I can’t survive”, “I can’t protect and help the people I love”, “I have no rights”, “Everything that is valuable to me is taken away”, … and there are literally thousands of other possibilities!

Whatever it is that are the core wounds of why you are affected by the narcissist, you can be 100% positive the narcissist uses this against you whilst being in contact with you, or by engaging other people and ways to hurt you.

This causes you to be immensely triggered (which our unhealed core stuff is because they are gaping, raw and painful wounds) and affected, and therefore remain hooked and play right into the narcissist’s hands by handing power over.

This is when we lecture and prescribe, having conversations over and over again as if it is to a child in an adult’s body who just doesn’t GET common decency … we try to make the narcissist be accountable … we try to get other people to see what they are doing to us … we plead, beg, cry, yell … bang our heads against the wall.

And we are deeply disturbed and obsessing about what the narcissist is capable of doing to us and the people we love.

When this happens, we provide the perfect self-medication for the narcissist – being the “drama” that can take the narcissist away from his or her self-annihilating inner being, and we are also now the perfect scapegoat to be smeared to family, friends and associates …

We have become the “the crazy one causing all the problems.”

(And let’s face it IS CRAZY!!)

And … to add insult to injury you are handing over A-grade narcissistic supply – the highly charged emotional reactions that confirm to the narcissist that he or she can affect another significantly and therefore must be “significant”.

We have to get out of this deadly loop if we are going to survive, heal and then Thrive (which of course is what this Community is all about) … and generally the formula for that is:

1) Go No Contact … and then

2) Start healing every trauma that arises as negative emotion for you, until the original beliefs and traumas and the narcissist (who represented them) are detoxed out of your system and out of your Life.

But what happens if No Contact just isn’t possible, or done yet, and the narcissist is still in your face?

How do we stop handing over narcissistic supply so that we become a source of “no energy” to the narcissist – to the point where we don’t care, don’t react, don’t get triggered and don’t provide any emotional, physical or even psychic energy?

I really need to explain the following to you regarding psychic energy, especially for those people who say, “But I don’t say anything to this person – this person gets nothing from me!” … yet they are still traumatised, and constantly obsessing about the narcissist.

Please understand, even if you are No Contact with a narcissist and he or she is affecting you profoundly, you are still handing over psychic energy.

Narcissists feel you – they are still getting a feed from you – as sure as a pipe has been inserted into your Inner Being and the narcissist is at the other side of it sucking out your Life-force.

I know it sounds “creepy” or even far-fetched but the proof is irrefutable.

And another truth is unavoidable, even if you pretend to be not affected and deeply are, energy is energy … the unseen world is pulling the strings in our Life, and our belief systems are playing out to produce the results of their literal programming despite any act we try to pull off.

Being triggered and trying to pretend we are not, is still going to create the results of our triggers with a narcissist – because the narcissist is the literal Inner Being Mirror bringing all of our greatest fears and insecurities to life.

When we heal those underdeveloped still wounded parts, then the narcissist’s antics become as benign and irrelevant as Grade One lessons when we have already graduated to Senior School.

That’s when it all stops.

Thank God.

 

The Grey Rock Method

Many abuse recovery people will tell you to work with the Grey Rock method – granting the narcissist no energy or attention – and I agree wholeheartedly with this.

However, I never recommend Grey Rock alone … even though it is a great starting position to adopt, because it helps to get the real work done. Every time we detach emotionally from a narcissist, we have more emotional energy to connect to our own necessary journey of loving and healing ourselves back to wholeness.

So what is Grey Rock, and how does it work?

Grey Rock gets back to the greatest aim when still dealing with a narcissist – stop handing them narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic Supply is the very lifeblood that the narcissist is as addicted to as any hard-core drug addict. The narcissist as an internal no self requires the energy of others to exist.

The best A-Grade supply to a narcissist is drama – the knowing that he or she is significant enough to affect you drastically. This allows the narcissist to numb out the self-annihilating Inner Being traumas that are always present, emotionally engulfing the narcissist if he or she is not receiving narcissistic supply.

So how does the narcissist hook you into handing over narcissistic supply at this level?

The answer is simple …

Piss you off.

Unbalance you.

Make you focus on and hand attention to the narcissist.

The narcissistic (if he or she believes you are still a source narcissistic supply) once the cracks have appeared and the mask has fallen, will do something, anything to make you react or feel anger, rejection, cruelty, injustice or any other negative emotion that gets under your skin in regard to yourself or the people you care about.

It’s ALL to get a reaction, it’s all to get a narcissistic feed.

And as I said previously, even if the trauma is still going on inside you and you say and DO nothing – the narcissist is STILL getting a feed.

Grey Rock is about taking yourself out of the firing line, by becoming so bland, disinterested, boring and non-engaged that the narcissist tires of trying to use you for narcissistic supply, and needs to hit someone else up for it.

It means answering the narcissist in monotones, offering NOTHING emotional, or beyond the absolute basic necessities – meaning after a time the narcissist will need to go elsewhere for his or her dose of self-medicating drama.

 

Grey Rock For Real

In my experience of a decade of helping people world-wide recover from narcissistic abuse for real, I have seen many people adopt Grey Rock and grant the narcissist no emotional energy, yet energetically they still have the trauma, resentment and judgement wedged inside their bodies which means that the narcissist is still hooked to them energetically and therefore still impacting their life.

The worst thing is – these people are still hurting and NOT thriving.

The Quantum Truth is, as Pema Chodren famously said, is:

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”

Narcissists truly are like “the Terminator” in our Life, and how we flick off their switch of coming after us, or living on as an energetic terror campaign in our Inner Being (whether they are out of our life or not) is to heal ourselves from the triggers, the original wounds, which allowed them to hook us, hurt us and get to us.

The following is a profound truth …

When someone no longer emotionally affects our mind or spirit in any shape of form, THAT is when they cease to have any power over us.

Yet, when we try to do this at a head level (rather than at an Inner Being level) this is the result … we have to BURY it … we have to go into denial, or dissociate from the trauma that is pushing our buttons via the narcissist and living on as an unhealed force within our Being.

Disowned trauma inside us only does pushups in the background gathering strength … because it wants and needs to get our attention in order to activate our love and healing towards these parts of ourselves – in order to come back to our True Self state of wholeness.

No different to ANY signal of something that is out of balance, and not being as it is intended to be (unified and whole).

Like a motor that starts makes noises because of an engine fault, or a roof that starts dripping water because it has sprung a leak, or an issue appearing somewhere in the body signalling a cancer.

When we suppress trauma, it is felt and experienced as depression (internalised trauma), or addictions (needing to burn off the anxiety of the disowned trauma), or anger bursting through to the surface (as a projection of the trauma that unfortunately can damage the people we love) or a handing over of our power at the most inopportune moments with the narcissist when a big enough trigger is hit that we can’t detach from it.

This is why Grey Rock is best done, like all things, from an authentic space.

In regard to trauma, dealing with it is NOT authentic when it has been buried, numbed down or self-avoided. Dealing with trauma for real means healing it to the level where it no longer exists.

Meaning … we internally work at being so healed from everything that the narcissist was triggering off within us, that we literally are not triggered. We are so free that we are instead focused on OUR OWN life-creation – from a position of empowerment, authenticity and inspiration (even when challenged with difficult stuff).

Fear and reaction just aren’t our go-tos anymore.

Rather … detachment, ignoring rubbish and calm fearless proactive action is instead.

This means we no longer sell out; we no longer lock down, hide out or walk on broken glass, terrified about what the narcissist may do. We no longer dumb down, fear the narcissist or hand power over.

We just get on with it – our Life – knowing that Life has our back. And that is when we experience that IT DOES, and this in no way supports the narcissist thumping us anymore.

In dire comparison the narcissist’s pull and influence starts to crumble.

People may think its much easier to just “do” Grey Rock and get the results. But why would we just do that and keep hurting, feeling and living the effects of what happened to us?

What I am really trying to help you understand is there are no short-cuts to evolution.

Our personal evolution is hard-work, in that it takes time, commitment and self-devotion as the most important mission to do in our Life … yet out the other side of the previous trauma Life starts going effortlessly (in comparison to how it used to unfold), and we unlock all the results and breakthroughs we wanted, yet did not receive, whilst stuck on trajectories that matched our woundedness.

Whether it takes a few months or years to release and reprogram our trauma that matches what the narcissist is dishing out to us, is really inconsequential in the bigger picture.

Naturally, I am personally thrilled I took the time out to do the most incredible inner journey and work, because my life prior to doing it was agony in comparison to what it is now – even before narcissistic abuse happened to me.

My entire previous life was spent mired in and fighting to keep my head above water whilst drowning in the inner and outer effects of what I knew as my Life.

Now it just isn’t!

Also … the joy of seeing the positive changes within my family, friends, loved ones and Community is priceless.  The work we do on ourselves is NOT just about us … it has far-reaching positive consequences.

When we apply Quantum Understandings and Healing in conjunction with Grey Rock … we can genuinely detach and be totally not interested – without angst and pain and with healthy boundaries.

(Specific examples will be shared with you in Part 2 …)

 

Acceptance and Self-Generative Energy

Adopting acceptance is one of our most powerful antidotes to stop being victims and handing our power over.

To me acceptance was this: Don’t expect or want an intensely damaged False Self to act like a normal person.

And … Stop believing that what the narcissist does or doesn’t choose to do can affect your Life

…. and instead start becoming your own self-generative force for yourself and the people you love.

A classic example is the people who are being traumatised by the narcissist’s refusal to declare income and pay child support. Any reliance you have on the narcissist doing the right thing, pretty much ensures it will never happen and will only keep you hooked in the pain for longer.

This is not to say don’t put your best foot forward and present your case if you have one – but don’t NEED a specific outcome to happen to grant you inner solidness, forward purpose, abundance and Lifeforce.

Quantum Law operates in mysterious yet absolute ways – it states “whatever you are being you are presently creating a future of more of that”.

The beingness of peace, abundance and power unconditionally, regardless of outcomes, means a lot of inner work is required, but the results speak for themselves.

Numerous people in this Community have had narcissists capitulate or be beaten in court, and every single one of these people was not attached to or afraid of ANY outcome … they were simply showing up in truth and power and inner calm as the ONLY true objective.

Victimised energy is this: the belief that we can’t go on, get out of the funk, feel okay or have a healthy life unless specific “outside of ourselves criteria” changes.

This is NOT Quantum Power which must be generated within Self.

Rather, it is the automatic handing of our power away (I am not a self-generator of my own experience from the inside out) and means we have just made our Inner Being (the only centre of influence we ever have) reliant on outside conditions – which is an attempt to create life from the outside in.

That is like trying to put a cart in front of a horse and hoping to move from a stuck position, yet rather than move, it all rolls back on itself amplifying the stagnation and pain.

If we think a narcissist “should” do this or do that, we are going to expect them to, and be disappointed, angered, resentful, indignant and feel victimised by our situation.

Quantum Law “so within so without” is as absolute as gravity … (gosh please know I remember how hard and painful it initially was to accept this!) so why on earth would we continue to feel disappointed, angered, resentful, indignant and feel victimised by our situation … when it is ONLY setting up more situations to feel disappointed, angered, resentful, indignant and victimised by.

It may appear that the narcissist is continually doing it to us, but when we adopt Quantum Responsibility and understand the power that we have emotionally / energetically which plays out with all of Life, and how the narcissist is an extreme mirror or what is going on inside of us (because they can only operate from other people’s energy – having none of their own) …

We wake up and grow beyond this “energetic blindness” to realise how to shift within to change what is happening without.

How do we shift all of this?

We meet our traumatised inner unhealed parts, and we release the disappointed, angered, resentful, indignant feelings … all of the feelings of being victimised by our situation (no matter what they are).

In my next Webinar coming up, I will be sharing the entire process that has been used by thousands of people in the community to achieve this – including people who are not No Contact yet with narcissists.

You can reserve your space for free if you haven’t already. 

If we are still in the trance of thinking that Life operates from the outside in instead of the inside out, we may think that is letting the narcissist of the hook.

Surely we should be angry … we should be indignant and we should shout “No” from the rooftops to the narcissist and all of sundry.

Surely we should expose this person, we should whistle blow as loudly as possible … and we should tell them over and over and over and over (god I am exhausted just writing this – remembering how I used to do this) WHY they should not be doing this to us and the people we love.

We SHOULD hold them accountable.

Yet – it doesn’t work! EVER!

Why not?

Because as soon as you pour any extreme emotional energy into anything, needing it to change as a condition for your own wellbeing, you grant it masses of Life against you – delivering  you the evidence of how this orientation defies all the Quantum Laws of wellbeing.

In effect what you think you have been screaming “No” at, you have been saying “Yes” to.

The life-force for a narcissist is drama, conflict, violence and notoriety … it’s all ego (False Self) food. How do you energise something bad? Feed it more of what it is – bad energy!

This is exactly why anti-movements don’t work and pro-movements do.

A pro-movement does not mean giving up and turning the other cheek, or letting yourself get walked on and having no boundaries. In stark contrast it means standing up and being and doing your truth on Who You Are and what is the truth of your soul – not from a fearful position, but rather from a place of inner mature integrity, solidness and calm.

Don’t take action to make the narcissist accountable, pay them back or seek to hurt them as much as they have hurt you … instead simply live out the truth of your rights with no apologies, victimhood or feeling guilty or fearing criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment.

These are the parts we need to grown up – the unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood which have been handing power over to others, specifically authorities and abusers – carrying the terrible beliefs that they will abuse us if we assert ourselves and our truth.

Yes, authorities and narcissists do abuse power – but it only happens to the people who still carry the wounds and the beliefs of that.

This may be a hard pill to swallow if you are currently still in contact and / or being abused … but I promise you the evidence is overwhelming when people work hard to heal their wounds, and stop focusing negative attention on narcissists, and take actions purely from a place of inner aligned integrity with no need for specific outcomes.

That’s when the magic happens … when Life starts to reflect back the new Inner Beliefs Everything is as it should be. I am free to be myself regardless of what others do. Life supports me abundantly regardless of what things look like now. I am safe.

When we genuinely know this to be true in our body – so it is.

The right help lines up, the right judge appears, the narcissist slips up and makes mistakes … or simply senses being cornered and gives up the fight … truly.

There is another very powerful Quantum Law that was HUGELY necessary for me to align with in my Life … and I know it can help you too.

As adults, if we have not yet healed the helplessness and fear of not being able to create security and safety in our own life and cling to others for it , they are only going to bring us more insecurity, danger and pain.

It is only when we stop doing that, holding others responsible, regardless of who they are, and start orientating to heal and grow up our parts so that we can be a fulfilled and inspired self-generative force (which, by the way, I promise you is the only mode of living that will genuinely satisfy you) that you will receive the glory of other people and situations coming into your life who match you … as stability and security and support.

You needed to become that self-generative force all along.

Be it and it will come.

That is what be-come means (Quantum Law 101).

Boy did it take me a long time to a) accept that lesson, b) stop trying to avoid it by clinging to others and c) take it on to be-come it.

My freedom now is indescribably wonderful, and please know there are members of this Community from all ages and all walks of Life who have been able to come back from the direst of situations emotionally and financially, and even decades of unemployment to find and create their life’s missions.

Ride the narcissist off … truly … he or she is NOT your source of security, solidness or fulfilment ever. Anything you get or retrieve from them is a bonus, and do NOT depend on it.

The narcissist truly, one way or another, needs to become as irrelevant as possible to you – even if co-parenting.

Free yourself from that unhealthy attachment, because I promise you, wherever you are on the spectrum, when you get aligned you will have unlimited Life Resources and permutations to start creating you real and healthy life for yourself and your loved ones.

Many people have done it, even in the trickiest of situations, such as co-parenting.

Quantum Law is unconditional and it does NOT discriminate. Statistics don’t apply in the energetic world, only Inner Truth does.

Now please read part two, where I give you clear real life examples of how to do boundaries with a narcissist healthily – at work, within family and in love relationships … and I also answer the most commonly asked questions from members of the community when it comes to setting boundaries with a narcissistic.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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89 Thoughts on How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist If You Can’t Go No Contact
  • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 4, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you truly for another right-on article. I am “doing” grey rock now, but I have been obsessing again the last few days, which of course means the trauma is not healed. This makes me feel like such a crazy failure.

    My lack of clarity about what’s correct, me questioning my own interpretation of events and his intentions, is such huge inner torture.

    This most recent narc (the third one I’ve dated), does not do overt abuse, smear campaigns, or aggressive control tactics. Rather, he doesn’t seem to care about me much at all, and THIS is what hooks me. My wound is not over-involvement or smothering or rushing into closeness; my wound is someone being wishy-washy, unclear, indecisive, avoidant, inconsistent, and disappears often. I have tried no contact in the past, but felt sick being out of touch, and so I thought “we must be meant to be! I can heal myself so we can be harmonious!” I have also used the excuse you describe — that he’s “helping” me heal by triggering all the things I need to clear.

    Last week I felt fine grey rocking him, but now I’m obsessing and in pain again.

    Frankly, it’s way easier to identify abuse and manipulation when it’s physical, and when there’s a trail of it. I have none of that. But I do have a poisonous inky feeling in my blood, reminders of how many times he’s pulled me in to push me away, rejected me, criticized me. I FEEL tense, questioning, waiting for the other shoe to drop, by body never relaxes around him… This should be enough proof to cut him loose, but it’s not. Because ultimately I’m wondering if he’s really responsible for triggering that in me, or if I am just ‘that messed up’ and at fault for all of it.

    I was doing great in the days leading up to him contacting me, then he reached out with something vague, and it also felt baiting. I didn’t take the bait. I think he was testing the waters, wanted to see if I’d go for another round. I said nothing. Then I got one more drive-by text message, which I did not reply to. I felt solid, clear, strong.
    But now I obsess again, because he stopped trying. Just with his one little baiting message, the ink seeped in my veins again and had me thinking “what did he mean? what did he want? is he a changed man, but I rejected him? Should I have asked him what he meant? Am I so suspicious and wounded that I can’t recognize love?” Not trusting mySELF, my own experience, is horrible.

    If he isn’t DOING anything to me (unlike examples of narcs who are the overt type), yet all the tapes in my head running on loop have his name all over them, am I inventing the emotional abuse? Or if he can feel my psychic obsession, am I feeling his psychic abuse and dismissal?

    I am totally clear on the idea that I have inner wounds that need healing.
    I’m not so clear on whether he is really someone I need to cut off, I am not so clear on whether I am dealing with a narcissist, frankly. Or if I am “just sensitive.”
    I know that when I ask myself “Have you ever felt emotionally safe with THIS man?” The answer is a big fat No. Then I ask myself, have you ever felt emotionally safe with ANY man, and the answer is Yes. I have. And the two experiences are totally different, I felt free, safe, loved, and open, I didn’t second guess him, I didn’t feel crazy or insecure. Obviously, logic would say, “great, so you know the difference. Cut this narc loose.”

    I’m frankly really exhausted by still getting hooked into it, just when I thought I was really up-leveling. I think you’ve said that it took you a day and a half with your second narc to heal. I’m going on a few years and feel like I have been through the wars. The level of annihilation I feel, even when he TECHNICALLY is not doing anything to abuse me overtly, makes me feel awful and totally broken.

    Mel, I’m sorry — I guess I don’t even know how to direct my thoughts into a concise question, I feel so fogged out. Maybe I’m just asking for some reassurance that I am not inventing the icky feelings coming from him, or maybe you can glean something from my post that I am totally not seeing.
    In any case, thank you so much for the article, for all of your articles and videos — all of the work you do is so tremendous. xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Dear Sophie,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Oh gosh pleased dear lady – don’t let your ego mind beat you up with the “I’m a failure” stuff … all of it Sophie the obsessing just means there is unresolved trauma still wedged inside … letting us know that there is.

      And once you find it and release it, I promise you that you will get free.

      What hooks us Sophie is always the evolutionary point of what we need to go to – inwards – within us to heal.

      For you this is “I’m not important” and the terrors of being that … and not being loved.

      These are young and epigenetic wounds within your subconscious that can be found and up-levelled (released and replaced) so that you can go to the next more healed version of Who You Are.

      Which is the formula and the journey that all of us who Thrive do …nothing more, nothing less.

      And when we aren’t doing that – then of course our focus is on THEM … or questioning and obsessing about what the abuse REALLY is, or ever other question outside of our own body which is distracting us, and running us around in painful circles rather than just going directly to granting ourselves the love and healing this part of ourselves (that is being significantly triggered) requires.

      When we just give up everything else and DO that … then we know what was happening (as a catalyst with that person) was always about this healing opportunity, and once we heal that person will shift in our experience (if not a narc) or won’t. If he doesn’t you will have no attraction … because you will have become a self generative force who knows her rights and knows how to ask for what she needs and how to create and be in healthy relationship.

      People that don’t match that capacity will become benign and unappealing to you for a relationship choice – because they no longer match the relationship you are having with yourself … meaning the one being generated from the unhealed wounds from the past.

      Without that shift the funk and the pain and the focus on him continues.

      It’s the inner work that is necessary Sophie, keep it simple, keep it direct and then everything will become clear.

      I too had done years and years of trying to work out my wounds cognitively – with Narc number 2, I worked directly with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) … now I never work with inner programming any other way.

      That is my highest suggestion for you …

      You can do this – and we do .. when we have had enough of the pain 🙂

      Mel xo

      • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
        Sophie
        March 6, 2017

        Thank you so much, Mel. I have read your reply a couple of times. It’s so telling that when I read your concise words about my wound being “I’m not important, I’m not loved,” I felt direct warmth in my heart. Yes, I have felt that I don’t matter, so when someone ever acknowledges that they ‘see’ me, I experience great relief and also sadness. I try not to have any needs, I don’t want to cause any trouble or be a burden to anyone, because I’m so afraid they’ll say I’m not worth it and leave me. Yet I also carry simultaneous rage over this, over being neglected and taken for granted.
        Do you think we heal our wounds backwards, as we de-layer? I do believe I’ve healed many things over the past couple of years, as evidenced by the fact that other addictions / crutches in my life — such as alcohol, cigarettes, excessive food — have become benign. I don’t white knuckle trying to avoid these things; I simply don’t want them. But they were crutches I piled on over time, to cover up the core wound. So the good news is, I think I’m down to the core wound. Of course, this is the most painful thing I didn’t know how to deal with in the first place. Damn. 😀
        So I feel I have become purified in my being, as the crutches fall away. I can look back at myself from three years ago, and my ability to connect with myself is way more solid than it was then. I have some experience under my belt, which helps me grow in confidence that I am developing / repairing the relationship with myself / god / life. But this is why I do feel most fragile, because I no longer have the bravado of unconsciousness to swagger about with…. except the addiction to the narc, trying to make him heal this core wound…
        In times of feeling strong within myself, I can feel genuine gratitude that he does not ‘comply’ with me trying to make him my savior. It’s impossible. I almost feel bad, like wow I am silently raging at this poor helpless man for not fixing me. In this moment, I am out of panic mode enough to be able to hear a small voice in me that is connected to source which says, you will find your way Home again.
        I am ready to heal.
        Thank you so very much, Mel, as always.
        Sophie xo

  • cindypatterson@gmail.com'
    cindy
    March 4, 2017

    This is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for almost 20 years…I knew something was definitely wrong with him, but, it never made sense of why he lashed out at me, or why he was being so cruel for no reason. I told myself, if I could just make his life “more perfect”, maybe, just maybe, he’ll be good to me.
    When that didn’t happen, I turned to professional counsellors,…who all said to me,” He’s not going to change, you need to leave him.” I then turned to the church, for pastoral counseling, thinking, maybe, just maybe, I could pray so hard, he’ll change. After three pastoral counsellors, it was the same abusive merry go round.
    I’m now, battling several different illnesses, one being systemic lupus, which I wholeheartedly believe, my body is breaking down for the daily abuse and stress. I never, ever imagined my life to be like this.
    Your site has opened my eyes, to something I never would have guessed…but, it all makes sense now! “Everything!” But, the part I’m struggling with is, how can I gain freedom, if I can’t hold a full time job? I have tow precious children, who have been financially struggling for 10 years, and now, it looks like he’s finally got a great job, and a permanent residence to call their own…
    I spoke to an attorney, and explained how “trapped” I feel in this toxic abusive marriage. I explained to him the incurable disease, lupus, that has literally kept me from working, and completely reliant on his health insurance.
    His only advice was, well, you’d better be prepared to care for you and your children, because he’s going to do everything he can to make your life miserable. If you can’t do that, then you just need to grin and bear it!
    I “know” his psychotic toxic game, I know I need to heal, I know I need to go no contact, I know I somehow need to get divorced, I know I need to get well, to get a full time job…but HOW?? If I’m sick, until a cure comes down the pipeline, what am I to do??
    I would love your advice, as this is the only site I feel “hope” in a hopeless situation.
    Thank you-

    • debjen4@yahoo.com'
      D. Jenkins
      March 5, 2017

      That is a hard place to be, I have Medicaid because I can barely work due to fibromyalgia, lymes’ disease. I was in a relationship with a toxic/narcissist man, I’m out now but living in another toxic environment. Check to see if you can get Medicaid.

    • Anomalousgrace@gmail.com'
      T
      March 5, 2017

      Cindy and others, I do not believe there are any incurable diseases. There are many doctors and others with health knowledge who believe the same. They are called incurable by those who don’t know how to cure them, while others have. Try curezone, or the many natural healing groups on Facebook. The medical doctors will only do what medical doctors do; prescribe drugs and surgery, rather than heal the issue.

      I understand how you feel because I have also suffered from severe “chronic fatigue syndrome”, possible heart issues, viruses, severe anxiety,ptsd and allergies, leaky gut, damage from pharmaceutical drugs, other “silent” disease, but which affected quality of life and ability to move forward.

      Check your mineral levels if you can, or try to discover if you may have an imbalance or deficiency. Mineral balance is a very fine balance. Check vitamins, check hormones (such as “Vit” D3/K2 -vital to have K2 with it). Lyme tests from igenex, parasite cleanses, gut cleanse, all basic things everyone should check. I have been treating myself without doctors or testing so it’s been slow but I have improved a lot. Best wishes for you, You will find your answers and heal, even in that environment, and be uplifted and filled with energy and wellness so that you can do what you need to do. Speak God’s word over YOU and your life, speak to your mountains, pray continuously, rejoice always, and ask and receive God’s help. He will work ALL things together for your good, even that which was meant to harm you. Blessings to all who are reading.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      my heart goes out to you – because it is a painful and difficult position you are in.

      And, also dangerous, because when Life wants to evict us from living in a way that is not the truth of our Soul then the volume and pain gets turned up until we get the lesson.

      This I do know Cindy, after being in this incredible Community for nearly a decade … people who do start focusing on accepting the lesson “this is not the truth of my soul” and committing devotedly to their Inner Being and healing, start experiencing Life having their back – because finally, finally they have turned inwards to be that to their own soul.

      I was one of them – I was told I had an incurable breakdown, I was told I would never function without antipsychotics. I was told my adrenal malfunction was 100% incurable.

      I healed, and so many other people in this Community have too – literally “come back from the dead”, because they worked with QFH (the energetic subconscious healing tool) that made it possible to get in and get the trauma out and replace it with wellbeing.

      You can read more about this here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm

      I know of women in this Community who were initially in shelters, with no money, health and jobs who focused fully on healing their inner traumas … who against all odds found out that Life and their souls started delivering.

      It sounds like your ship is sinking with him … and that truly is Life saying “enough”.

      Cindy, I think for so many of us sweet lady .. (and I was one of them too) we were brought to this point … “How bad does it need to get until I let go turn inwards and DO what I have to do?”

      Sending you big hugs and strength and I want to really encourage you to come into my next Free Webbing Group so that myself and this Community can help support you – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      If you have a Facebook Profile Cindy you can be a part of deep healing and support prior to, and after the webinar for 2.5 weeks.

      I hope this can help you

      Mel xo

  • saurabhpatna.ss@gmail.com'
    Saurabh
    March 4, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    This was a great article as always! You have really helped me get well from narcissist abuse and I have slowly started to thrive. I am in no contact with my ex-wife. I am doing modules every day and it has helped me immensely. Everyday I also listen to some of your videos on youtube or read your articles to encourage and motivate myself. No I have started to self-partner which I never did in my life. It really feels soothing and above all I try to have a thriver orientation as much as possible. Only narcissist supply that she tries to extract is when I go to meet my daughter who is with her. In setting up meeting with my daughter, which is once in a month, she tries to derive narc supply as much as possible. My daughter lives with her. She knows I love her and she uses her a lot. Can you please suggest something. Your words really registers with my subconsciousness and my inner child believes in you and your words. So if you can suggest me some steps it would be really helpful.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Saurabh,

      Thank you and that is great it resonated with you.

      That is wonderful you are working with NARP and it is helping so much.

      It totally is such a wonderful warm, solid feeling of “coming home” when we finally self-partner!

      Okay Saurabh, the next step is NARP Module work replaying that trigger, feeling where it lights up in your body, tracking it through your body to its origins and healing it up and out.

      That is the really simple, direct formula. Module 1 shortened version will work well for that.

      Also please know the NARP Forum is an incredible resource to help you with any of your healing work, at any time … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • lynda_n@shaw.ca'
    Lynda
    March 4, 2017

    It’s been less than 2 weeks since I started looking for answers, today I did Module 1 of NARP. You know what brought me here? I was so tired of all the pain, a lifetime of pain, and here you were ready with everything I could possibly need; to learn, to accept, and to heal. For the first time in my entire life I felt and connected with my inner true self and that sweet little girl…I love her and I have never been able to say that before. It was a beautiful, painful, wonderful experience! (I started crying just reading page 6 of the instructions!) I actually think everyone should do the program, regardless if you’ve been abused by a N or not.

    So, my question… I’m in a difficult situation, that’s in regards to this post, and I hope you can provide an answer or I may find one in the NARP community when I can access it in a day or two. My live in boyfriend works out of town. Several days before he left I had ‘tried’ to have an adult discussion about something…we all know how that worked out for me. Anyway, since then he’s been over the top charming. From some of the comments he’s made I think he knows I’m on to him. This is going to sound SO awful of me but I have nothing. I don’t have my next job yet, I have no money (he convinced me to stay home so we could enjoy some time off together, yeah right). It won’t take me long to get working again but I can’t leave and rent another place with no money and no job. These past 2 weeks have been a real eye opener for me and I’m doing what I can to prepare to leave but that is not going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know how to ‘be’ when he’s home on his 4 days off. Do I pretend things are fine until I can get out? (right now he’s pretty easy going). I’m worried if I set boundaries will he tell me to leave? I need some time to get financially stable but it feels terrible, like I’m being phony, which I guess I am! I act like everything’s fine when we talk on the phone. It feels sneaky and wrong, I just don’t know what to do. My adoptive parents passed away years ago; I have no family and there’s no friends left to turn to now either. I moved out of province several years ago to be with this man. I would really appreciate any advice.
    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Lynda,

      I am so happy for you that you have turned inwards and started self-partnering and healing.

      Ok … Lynda, I would love to help you with this question and also I do urge you to connect in with the NARP Community asap at http://www.melanietoniaeveans.com/member – because that can be your go to for questions, support and healing help.

      Your next step is always this … go inwards and start healing “what hurts” … and the formula needs to be “emotion first” .. because the confusion is in regard to the inner wounds being triggered which means when this happens, that we can only generate thoughts (consciousness) which match the still existing wounding.

      The truth is you don’t need to work out now “what to do” … what you do need to do is find and release some of the trauma so that space for clarity comes …. then organically you will KNOW what to do – as well as start becoming a self-generative force of solution.

      And also “life” around you will start matching Who You Are Being (as it always does) and the self-partnering focus will start presenting opportunity / answers for you.

      Take your focus off him … and focus fully on you … and if you are fully focused into your healings (and you do have the perfect time now to do it) I promise the clarity and next steps will come.

      And everything will shift to unfold as it should – in ways that will support you – because that is WHAT Life does when we start fully supporting ourselves.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • fionacavanagh12@gmail.com'
    Fiona Cavanagh
    March 4, 2017

    I have been no contact other than short simple emails regarding children for over 3 years. In a few months we are heading to a 4 day trial in the family law court. He is wanting to have the kids 50/50 and I am fighting for the majority of custody. I have set up great systems that have worked for no contact including a no contact DVO other than emails about the kids but in less than 3 months he will be cross examining me and I will be cross examining him in court as we are both self represented. I can already feel the fear and the self doubt starting to creep back. I thought I would be ok but I clearly have a lot of work to do before the trial. Where do I start? Are there particular modules that will help me? I don’t feel those intense feelings that I used to when I first started with the modules. How do I go deeper so I can really clear my insecurities and up level for my sake and my kids.

    • Anomalousgrace@gmail.com'
      T
      March 5, 2017

      Following!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Fiona,

      Absolutely there is Module wok that can help.

      NARP Goal Setting is powerful in this situation, as is Module 8 … and also you may need to do a lot of inner work on the fears of the system (which is normal).

      Are you in the NARP Forum to get help, support and coaching with this Fiona?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      There are so many Thrivers who have been through this who can help support you with love, courage and the shifts they worked with on NARP to get through this successfully.

      You don’t have to do this alone Fiona.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen Coleman
    March 4, 2017

    Peace and a narcissist cannot exist within the same home.

    I went “grey rock” during the last part of the marriage. I wasn’t healed by any means, but it frustrated her to near frenzies.

    She found the tiniest excuse for divorce and it didn’t “bother me”. (yes it did, but she didn’t get any gratification from it).

    In time and A LOT OF WORK. I’m free now. But I still prefer no contact and have been that since 2012.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      that is very true.

      Our greatest goal is that peace and freedom within ourselves.

      Mel xo

  • email2toni1982@gmail.com'
    Toni K
    March 4, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    I was no contact for 5mths during my pregnancy then minimal contact via email to no contact again. My DVO helps with this, however we will be going to court this year as he wants part custody of our child (I have full custody and have had since birth). I find it easy to have no contact and move on with mine and babies day to day life. However, I fear for mine and babies safety and wellbeing. I have very limited Internet data and struggle currently to make ends meet for our basic needs. I am still traumatised over events that occurred during my relationship with the narcissists. I think I’m fine, but then I have to repeat a story to someone new in the legal system and I’m reminded this isn’t healed. My question is HOW do I heal this? And not be concerned for mine or my babies wellbeing, if family law dictates we have to have contact?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Toni,

      you are on the right track …

      It IS about healing ourselves to the level where we no longer have the trauma – regardless of the outcome.

      Because ….

      1) That generally means things fall into place for us the most, and

      2) it means that we can co-parent and be the healing solid force to ourselves, our children and their futures (including the template of their future generations) regardless of what unfolds.

      How myself and this Community healed our “unspeakable” trauma (which is what N-abuse is) is the NARP Program.

      That is the tool.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Please come into my next Free Webinar Group to experience and learn how we heal – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • nbowers@suddenlink.net'
    Sis
    March 4, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Splendid article! I have been following your blog for 4 years since divorcing my narcissistic husband of 23 years. Classic traits: serial cheater, pathological liar, gaslighter, etc. No contact and Grey Method have been employed. Two issues: (1) he still continues to drive/walk by my residence 2-3 times a week at least) as a subtle attempt to rattle me in spite of his remarrying a year ago and in spite of the repeated requests by my attorney to respect my boundaries, and (2) he has turned one of our two young adult sons against me with lies. I have taken the high road these years by shielding my sons from the awful details (well-documented by a private investigator) of their father’s behavior but feel that I might need to disclose now some of the lies and bad behavior in order that the estranged son (who refuses to go to counseling with me) might see reality. Your thoughts? Thank you for the extraordinary work that you do!!

    • game.helena@gmail.com'
      Helcia
      March 5, 2017

      What is you really can’t go/escape because of children- you have no proof of the narcissistic father and husband abuse…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Sis,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      Sis, my answer is always going to be the same thing … heal within you “what hurts” and then everything respect back to wellbeing.

      If I can share with you my situation – which was stalking, scare campaigns and immense smearing – including my family and loved ones.

      I simply used QFH to heal and release myself from the fear and triggers of him turning up / running into him .. and I released and healed all of the traumas of being alienated and smeared.

      Then it all stopped.

      I was free in life without the stalking and bumping into him (and really this was because I had no fear IF it happened whatsoever) … and the people I loved came to me with open hearts and apologised – they had seen the truth. This really happened because I had healed to the point where I felt no pain anymore regarding them and only love in my heart for them.

      This was a profound healing shift I experienced with my son as well … in this incidence and profoundly when he was 19 (which I have spoke about in this Community) … I truly believe if I hadn’t healed the issues I felt about him in my own body with QFH … he may never have made it.

      You see this is the Quantum Law – “so within so without” – and because of the absolute truth and effectiveness of it I don’t even imagine working with Life in any other way … why would I when I know it to be only thing that really works?

      Your son will come to you through love and he will see what he needs to for himself without you enforcing that.

      All of our children do.

      I hope this explains and help.

      Mel xo

      • nbowers@suddenlink.net'
        Sis
        March 6, 2017

        So many thanks, Mel !! Six years of counseling AND access to your wisdom have been such strong factors in my inner healing and early detachment from my ex-husband. The difficult part has been observing the Narc’s manipulation of our adult son and my continuing to take the high road. My son sees that my life is peaceful and healthy; yet he cannot take his father off the pedestal and reconstruct him in the light of reality, so going along with his father’s “false narrative” is the course of least resistance for him. I have lost my son these last years and fear that his father’s “false narrative” has become my adult son’s reality, since that narrative has not been challenged by the facts that I have. Truth can erase the scales off the eyes, can’t it?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 6, 2017

          Hi Sis,

          you are very welcome.

          I am so pleased my information has been able to help you!

          Truly Sis it is about you healing within you the charges of what is triggering you regarding your son – and then it will all shift in your experience.

          That is the Quantum Key.

          The most amazing things have the space to unfold when we do that …

          Mel xo

  • jannevill@gmail.com'
    Jan
    March 4, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for another fabulous article. This issue of how to ‘deal’ with the narcissist when total NC is not possible is such a big one. Even after almost a year of NARP I find myself bemused as we have to deal with each other in preparing our former family home for sale. I also have a couple of big family functions coming up including my daughter’s wedding.

    Much of the time I feel far more connected with my true self but every now and again I find myself invested in hearing something bad about him (gossip) or feeling pressured by social convention to be ‘poltite’ to him for everyone else’ sake (such as the upcoming wedding). Grey rocking is the answer and it is so true, it is so much more effective when you have done and are still doing the moduling and healing work. I am truly looking forward to the day when Grey Rock is no longer relevant because he truly will not be any part of my awareness or conscious thoughts. It’s getting closer and I am really looking forward to that moment!

    Bless you Mel for this wonderful life program, it is a life enhancer as well as a soul saver.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Jan,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I hear you! And it really is about Jan, just being diligent – picking up those triggers / skirmishes in your body with Module Work – cleaning it all up.

      That is really all you need to do here – your are already doing great! Its just the last pieces, and I think we can get complacent and then easily go back to the human way of “thinking about it” instead of just shifting it out and up levelling.

      It isn’t until the niggles get big enough that sometimes we remember!

      Until we just KNOW – why think instead of shift when it is SUCH the long way around?

      Keep going lovely lady!

      Mel xo

  • helsbells11@hotmail.com'
    The goddess within.
    March 4, 2017

    Thanks Mel. Fantastic article. A question for next time. Do you have any advice about family of N (because of shared child)? How far should no contact/limited contact extend? On the one hand I feel sorry for them as the situation is not their fault. However since NARPing I recognise that it is also not my job to fix everything. N did not become an N inside of a bubble. These very people contributed enormously to his childhood trauma and by extension the formation of his false self. Where is the line here?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi TGW,

      I am glad you enjoyed it and thank you.

      Yes that is a great question.

      The truth is this: you can Module that confusion and you will get clarity.

      The other truth is: we have no obligation to anyone, other than being true to our soul’s truth (which we reach and align with when we use QFH) and then we honour everything healthily – even if that means disconnecting completely.

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
    vaf
    March 4, 2017

    My son’s wife fooled us all up to the moment they had their 1st child who is now 2 1/2 years old and we’ve not seen him since he was 1 year old. She sent a hurtful 6 page 17 paragraph letter – perfectly punctuated – to me 2 years ago which cut me to the core projecting blame and smear campaigning me. Once I discovered what a narcissist is and does, it all made sense, but the damage has already been done. My son was coming alone to family events which was fine with all of us, it is he who we want in our lives. He used to phone or text, now he doesn’t reply for weeks, if at all. My grandson does not know who my son’s family members are, or who we are as grandparents – my son does not bring him to visit. We have a couple of newborn pictures that’s it. My son has never given or sent any photos of our grandson. They have just had a 2nd child on Feb 4 and we’ve not been invited to meet her and have no photos sent to us, nor has my daughter. My son did not come on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Christmas, did not message a Merry Christmas…all of which has never happened before. He is “broken” he said and says that I (his mom) needs to “fix this” with his wife. They moved in October and I ‘ve asked for his address, and he hasn’t provided it to me. I do know where he lives, but unlike before with the son that I know and love, I don’t feel that I can “drop in”. I am cut to the core seeing him go through this, believing that I can fix it and am so confused and disappointed with him that he doesn’t assert himself with his children to visit me, his family members and attend family occasions. She is isolating him – or rather he is allowing himself to be isolated. A social worker told me that my daughter in law wants to destroy the relationship I have with my son, because we are so close. I am distraught beyond description because it feels like my son is missing in the war and I can’t find him and if I do, I don’t recognize him. He works in the mental health industry and I don’t understand how he can’t “see” what he is in or that she has NPD. I have tried endlessly to invite him out for coffee, or a visit, or lunch, just to be together and catch up as we always did before, and he does not reply for weeks and it hurts me terribly that he is cutting himself off and I don’t know how to rescue him. As a mom you have always been able to help them and protect them and warn them of bad things but I don’t know how to reach him for him to believe what is happening to him, and all of us with the narcissist. I am also so deeply concerned about the children because they have been born to “serve” her…if my son does not wake up. In particular, this new little baby girl will be raised to serve her brother and the mother and it breaks my heart if my son does not get in there quick to influence their little lives, and allow his family to love them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi vaf,

      my heart goes out to you, this is very painful.

      Please know there are people in this Community – parents and grandparents who have healed from what you are describing and even to the point where their children have been able to free and heal themselves as well.

      Energetically as parents – our Inner Being state can and does have a profound effect on those we have given birth to.

      Where our energy goes, so does theirs.

      So many parents ask me often – “How do I help my children?”

      My answer – which I had to personally accept and live for my own son … is always this, “Heal yourself and they will follow.”

      Yet … it takes a radical approach … when we do it the Quantum Way.

      In the Quantum Way we realise that we are powerless to affect another, yet we can meet and heal the trauma within our own beings, and then THAT can have a profound shift in the unseen interconnected world with others.

      Myself and many others have healed relationships with our children THIS way, even in the direst of situation (including them being addicts or N-abused) – where no other way worked.

      If you are open to this – and at the very least want to be able to free yourself from the terrible trauma that you are feeling … then I would love to help you.

      Please join in with my next Free Webinar Group where I promise you, if you are open minded you will find healing and relief and possibly the shift in all of this.

      Mel xo

      • Vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
        VAF
        March 6, 2017

        Thank you Mel. But how can I help my son if he won’t reach out, or reach back, to communicate? My 2 children were raised knowing that “there is nothing so bad that you can’t come home” …meaning our home is always a safe place to land, no matter what is happening in their lives, or how “bad” something seems to be. My son has always been an open, communicative, loving son. He was always involved in our family events and participatory …family came first. He is now distant and unreachable. I have been so hurt by the mean-ness and cruelty the DIL has created, and that my son has not ‘stood” up to her is beyond my comprehension. Is it true that if I tell him that I believe she is a narcissist and that he is in an abusive, controlling relationship, it could make things far worse?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 6, 2017

          Hi VAF,

          please know … in the Quantum World everything is connected – and when we shift us, then the outside conditions shift to match.

          I know it may sound “nebular” but the proof appears times and time again – regarding this following truth.

          “We have no power to change others, but when we change (release the trauma we are feeling about them within our own Being) ourselves, then everything in our experience must change to match our newly created state.”

          My own son within 3 weeks when I released and shifted everything that traumatised me about him (and it was significant he was a severe drug addict destroying himself) stopped and came to his senses – and contacted me out of the blue and had be-come what I had shifted to feel him as – which was: “Awakening and healing and coming into his True Self).

          He has never looked back since.

          Before then I held him energetically as “A no-hoper drug addict, who was a,b,c,d,e,f,g …”

          And all I ever received in my experience was THAT – and it was getting worse and worse despite EVERY effort I made to stop it.

          Before then I had “tried” everything -and I mean EVERYTHING to intervene and stop what was happening to absolutely NO avail – but when I shifted how I saw and FELT him with no physical evidence at all – from my Inner Being – and had released all else – then he moved up into the space I held for him.

          I can’t tell you VAF how many people have healed their children in the same way in this Community – there are people in this conversation dedicating to working on these things, regarding their children, with the NARP Program as we speak.

          For you … is also about releasing the trauma of the cruelty you have received – because by not doing that in the Quantum Feld there is only “more of that” to come …

          Life delivers the match of the composition of our Inner Being – no more and no less, meaning nothing shifts until WE do.

          Yes… 100% if you try to dictate to and control him to make you feel better it will only blow up worse for you.

          The only way to make ourselves feel better is to take 100% responsibility for that ourselves, within our own Being, unconditional of others – and THEN others will start to present us with the “match” for the state of our Inner Being on the topics that are important to us.

          Believe it and it will come – it is NOT “when I see it I’ll believe it.”

          From US first is the way it all works.

          I hope this makes sense … yet at the end of the day you can only experience what I am saying by applying it – because the logical mind can’t comprehend it without physical proof.

          We have to live life from the inside out, rather than the outside in to realise how conclusive and true all of this is. And the real goal is ONLY This – “I commit to releasing my trauma and replacing those hurt places with Love and Healing …”

          From there EVERYTHING Heals .. So within – so without.

          Bless and hugs VAF.

          Mel xo

          • susan.wright@ilsi.net'
            Samegirl
            March 7, 2017

            Good response, Mel. I’d like to see VAF become more self-focused.

            “Life delivers the match of the composition of our Inner Being – no more and no less, meaning nothing shifts until WE do.”

            Truly making myself the center of my world through self-partnering has profoundly changed my life and level of happiness. I feel I have been re-born outside of the fog of self-recrimination. It draws people to me like mad. You are a genius.

          • Vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
            Vaf
            March 25, 2017

            Thank you. But how can I get my son out of the war zone? He doesn’t know he’s captive and I can’t reach him. He doesn’t return calls or texts. He is more and more isolated. I am now regretting not telling him long ago that he is married to a narcissist. Some tell me it would not have made a difference – he wouldn’t believe you. Is that true? I am just heart sick about it and want to help him. As a mom it is what you do. After seeing some videos about children of narcisissts I am so concerned now about the 2.5 year old and the 5 month old…they have been born to “serve”. Can you give me advise on how to “get to my son”. Should I send him videos that you have about “the signs”? It is getting worse and I am so worried that I / our family has lost him. How do I/we help him?

  • Deborahinca1954@gmail.com'
    Deborahinca
    March 5, 2017

    Dear Melanie

    This is the best yet ! I’ve been in your community for awhile and am thriving beyond my wildest imagination . It all started to click , as you say throughout this blog , when you become IT , you are IT . But , while still in my ” looking to the outside ” state ( true victimhood here ) I was as stuck as could be . It hurt . My body literally began its shut down . I found you , or let’s say my Soul found you . I believe that our Soul truly knows our path . I followed my Soul and Life is opening up in powerful ways every single day now . This sounds so airy fairy , and I would have totally thought so too , had I not begun living and breathing in it . It takes work , going within ….is hard work . Conversely being in the excruciating pain ( from trauma and unhealed wounds ) was far worse and devastating to my Soul and body than not doing this inner work . I am free , Melanie .
    Going No Contact was key first to recovering ….and I am just now finishing up the last of it , the fallout ….it’s finally after all ” this ” wrapping up . It began when I let go of any outcomes , truly disengaged from N shenanigans and stood up for my little me and grew up my unhealed Adult parts and meshed together to become my best and highest version of me . I am still working on this , every day . I look forward to seeing what my little Deb wants to be and do TODAY . I am 63 years , just began a whole new career of life guarding , teaching people of all ages to learn how to swim and teaching water aerobics aquatic classes . Go figure that ! I had a myriad of health conditions , from a spinal fusion , knee surgery gone awry , neck and spine ablations , to deficiencies A-Z from chronic stress hormones , fibromyalgia , osteo arthritis , blah blah blah ….yes ….they were serious at the time , but now from clearing the horrendous trauma from my Being it’s all gone .
    There simply aren’t words for my gratitude , Melanie . I only hope I can be a shining light to others from your light and heart to heart from you to me . Give to self first , then the natural path will lead you to giving to others . It’s the Law . Quantum style . I love you , Mel .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Deborahinca,

      it has been such an honour and joy to watch your personal resurrection.

      You are a true inspiration to so many Deb … and such a testimony to what happens when we release trauma and replace it with wellbeing (the QFH process).

      I LOVE your new careers!!! GORGEOUS!

      You deserve the very, very best Deb.

      All my love to you too darling woman.

      Mel xo

    • jannevill@gmail.com'
      Jan
      March 10, 2017

      Deborahinca you are an absolute inspiration and your constant love and support in the forum is always a ray of warm sunshine. Like you I am 63 and thanks to NARP and the loving support of you and the community I am now moving from healing to thriving. Everything is in flux, we are selling the family home and I have no idea where I will end up living. This is all potentially very stressful but now when I am scared or stressed I can sit with it and uplevel the fear and become excited about the possibilities instead. I am finally letting go and learning to trust the Universe and discovering that this is not a passive state but an active one.
      I have just been invited to become involved in a major community project, I am healing my body with Pilates, walking and physio and my soul with Mel’s wonderful program. I have socialised more in the past year than in the previous ten years combined and in a way that I enjoy and answerable only to me. Notwithstanding the ongoing problems that need solutions my life is more full of love (and has much less stress) than it has ever been in its 63 years.
      If anyone is reading this and thinking about NARP I can promise you that not only does it heal it changes your life in the most beautiful way. For me the forum is the treasure at the heart of NARP where the members and wonderful moderators like Deborahinca generously and gently give their love and support.
      Love you ladies, you bring guaranteed sunshine into my life on even the most miserable of days! 💕❤️💕Xxx

  • tinacourpas@gmail.com'
    Tina Courpas
    March 5, 2017

    Melanie – I finalized my divorce last January 2016. I discovered NARP serendipitously several weeks later and have been a devotee since. I did the entire program (with Module 1 over 15 times, Modules 4 and 5 many times), etc. through the course of last Spring and finished it in August. At times, I literally was throwing up as it felt like poison was leaving my body. Since then, I continue to go back to Modules and use the tools regularly. It is not an exaggeration to say this saved my life. But my work continues. I have 4 children, the oldest two of which have been triangulated and alienated. Now, my work with NARP is focused on doing what you did with your beloved son, which was changing your vibration about him. I have listened to your radio show and videos about how to help our children many, many times and now am shifting to actually doing Module work on this. Which Module of NARP would you recommend for doing this work related to our children? Thank you for your work. I cannot express what it has done for me. Thank you so much Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Tina,

      that is wonderful you deeply detoxified and worked with NARP so studiously.

      Well done 🙂

      You are so right – the work continues … if we want the most incredible life beyond saving our life.

      I am so happy that you re going to do the work in your own body in regard to your children – to is the most powerful way.

      I LOVE the Goal Setting Module for deep intricate work (and for work regarding our children) … and there is so much we can help you with – with the coaching in the NARP Forum on that.

      http://www.melanietoniavenas.com/member

      It’s my pleasure Tina, and I am so pleased you are a part of this Community.

      Much Love to you.

      Mel xo

  • jolina817@yahoo.com'
    J.
    March 5, 2017

    The Christian Marriage and Divorce Dilemma.

    My husband would always say God hates divorce. I would say God hates “this” meaning when there is any kind of mistreatment and or on going strife in a marriage.Don’t get me wrong I do not agree with it either, but the only other alternative is to fully repent and turn from unGodly living.
    Hello everyone. The first thing I would like to say is I am sorry that anyone had to experience the pain and devastation of a painful relationship/marriage and the torment, destruction and everything that comes along with loving someone who abuses the gift of love. My story, well, I know it is a life time movie waiting to happen like many others stories and
    I would love to share with the world what I have experienced in order to have a voice, enlighten others, and let others know they are not alone.
    After 11 years of marriage I am now in the middle of a divorce. This was my first marriage and I dearly loved my husband and I have gone way beyond the call of duty for him and our marriage. (sometimes to a fault) The strange thing is so has he.
    We both loved each other very much, but because of unhealed wounds and unfinished healing from his childhood trauma he would act it out. I have been and am still on the journey of healing myself and have done deep work. I understood what my husband was going though and I was encouraging and supporting my husband in his healing.
    He did do a lot of work on himself and he was able to share his feelings with me a great deal. He started connecting the dots from his childhood, but unfortunately it would just get too painful for him and he would resist the deeper healing. I can understand that, and it is ok to take breaks and go slow, but unfortunately what ever we don;t work out we act out. Hurt people hurt people.
    We were both sensitive and we were triggered by one another through the marriage. We were both in counseling together, and he would own his actions and behaviors only problem is that there were patterns that just couldn’t seem to change. My hope is that I wanted it to work and I never thought of getting married with the option of divorce.
    I just do not believe in it. I believe that if two people truly love one another they will take accountability for their part in the marriage and work it through, and I believe that with God all things are possible.
    Well, here I am today we have been physically apart for 4 months going on five, the papers are in and we both have attorneys. In the beginning he was writing and stating hurtful comments to me, but I would not engage. I knew he was angry, I just stated we should just get grounded and not be be rash and do anything in the heat of anger.
    Recently, he has texted and contacted me several times and he is trying to instill fear in me like he has many times in the past to try and control me. The last cycle in our marriage prior to full separation went like this. We had always talked about moving out of our state and live in a warmer climate but at the time he wanted to move I was still trying to cope with the loss of my dad. I was grieving and I felt out of sorts and couldn’t get grounded. After a time I took a leap of faith and we moved. I would like to also add that both my husband and I both share the same faith of Christianity which was a big part of our marriage. Through out the years many people in the ministry and church would tell us both that we had a calling on our life for ministry together.
    We both believed that; both my husband and I had overcome so much in our own personal life through the grace and power of God. That is why moving south toward the bible belt made sense we were surrounded by more ministries and people of God. ( Which unfortunately is not always what it appears to be) that is another whole life time movie..
    However, My husband started making money, and became consumed with his earnings and material gain. He was torn as I see it between walking after the flesh and walking after the spirit which basically means he was torn between walking Godly and walking worldly. That does happen to Christians, and when that happens they become tormented.
    A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. We cant serve two masters God and Mammon.
    Some how his higher earnings made me feel anxious and more insecure; the more money he made the more insecure I felt, because it felt that it make everything spin out of control. He would become impulsive with his spending and there was poor money management and we ere not in agreement many times on his lavish purchases that would put us in financial debt. I am conservative spender he is more impulsive and extravagant, so that became an issue.
    Lastly, we got a house rental that I signed my name on which I did not even want. We have other business dealings with both our names as well. Now I am trying to resolve all this and get it undone. He contacted me and stated he wanted to peacefully resolve things while at the same time threatening me, so I just settle and not ask for what I need in order to take care of all the financial burdens he left me with. My goal is to resolve everything without it hurting my credit. I do not want to hurt him, and I do not want to be hurt. If this is the direction we are going in my hope is to do it peaceably and amicably. I will not engage in the cycle and I will not get on the roller-coaster. I would rather be alone.
    I can not do all the work it takes two people, and I can understand it if he does not want to do the inner work and or change the things that need to be changed in order for tow people to be in a healthy thriving marriage serving God together. I can say that I am very disappointed and it is heart breaking.I am being honest and that is my truth, I know that I will be ok and I will overcome this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I shared all I can share for now. there is so mush more to my story, but I do not want to glorify the dark-sides of it, because I know in the spiritual realm what this is all about; the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, but my God JESUS comes to give me Life and give it more abundantly. God sees all and God will have the last word. I surrender all to God and choose to forgive, love and be at peace. Amen.
    God Bless all I will be praying for all the broken hearted. J. Please forgive any typos

  • jolina817@yahoo.com'
    J.
    March 5, 2017

    The Christian Marriage and Divorce Dilemma.

    My husband would always say God hates divorce. I would say God hates “this” meaning when there is any kind of mistreatment and or on going strife in a marriage. Don’t get me wrong I do not agree with it either, but the only other alternative is to fully repent and turn from unGodly living. Husbands love your wives as Jesus loved the church.

    Hello everyone. The first thing I would like to say is I am sorry that anyone had to experience the pain and devastation of a painful relationship/marriage and the torment, destruction and everything that comes along with loving someone who abuses the gift of love.
    My story, well, I know it is a life time movie waiting to happen like many others stories and I would love to share with the world what I have experienced in order to have a voice, enlighten others, and let others know they are not alone.
    After 11 years of marriage I am now in the middle of a divorce. This was my first marriage and I dearly loved my husband and I have gone way beyond the call of duty for him and our marriage. (sometimes to a fault) The strange thing is so has he.
    We both loved each other very much, but because of unhealed wounds and unfinished healing from his childhood trauma he would act it out. I have been and am still on the journey of healing myself and have done deep work. I understood what my husband was going though and I was encouraging and supporting my husband in his healing.
    He did do a lot of work on himself and he was able to share his feelings with me a great deal. He started connecting the dots from his childhood, but unfortunately it would just get too painful for him and he would resist the deeper healing. I can understand that, and it is ok to take breaks and go slow, but unfortunately what ever we don;t work out we act out. Hurt people hurt people.
    We were both sensitive and we were triggered by one another through the marriage. We were both in counseling together, and he would own his actions and behaviors only problem is that there were patterns that just couldn’t seem to change. My hope is that I wanted it to work and I never thought of getting married with the option of divorce.
    I just do not believe in it. I believe that if two people truly love one another they will take accountability for their part in the marriage and work it through, and I believe that with God all things are possible.
    Well, here I am today we have been physically apart for 4 months going on five, the papers are in and we both have attorneys. In the beginning he was writing and stating hurtful comments to me, but I would not engage. I knew he was angry, I just stated we should just get grounded and not be be rash and do anything in the heat of anger.
    Recently, he has texted and contacted me several times and he is trying to instill fear in me like he has many times in the past to try and control me. The last cycle in our marriage prior to full separation went like this. We had always talked about moving out of our state and live in a warmer climate but at the time he wanted to move I was still trying to cope with the loss of my dad. I was grieving and I felt out of sorts and couldn’t get grounded. After a time I took a leap of faith and we moved. I would like to also add that both my husband and I both share the same faith of Christianity which was a big part of our marriage. Through out the years many people in the ministry and church would tell us both that we had a calling on our life for ministry together.
    We both believed that; both my husband and I had overcome so much in our own personal life through the grace and power of God. That is why moving south toward the bible belt made sense we were surrounded by more ministries and people of God. ( Which unfortunately is not always what it appears to be) that is another whole life time movie..
    However, My husband started making money, and became consumed with his earnings and material gain. He was torn as I see it between walking after the flesh and walking after the spirit which basically means he was torn between walking Godly and walking worldly. That does happen to Christians, and when that happens they become tormented.
    A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. We cant serve two masters God and Mammon.
    Some how his higher earnings made everything spin out of control. He would become impulsive with his spending with s poor money management, and we were not in agreement many times. He would spend money on his lavish purchases when there were still outstanding debts to still be paid off.
    Geographics don’t work we take ourselves everywhere we go we need to change our selves on the inside. It is an inside job!
    Lastly, we got a house rental that I signed my name on which I did not even want. We have other business dealings with both our names as well. Now I am trying to resolve all this and get it undone. He contacted me and stated he wanted to peacefully resolve things while at the same time threatening me, so I just settle and not ask for what I need in order to take care of all the financial burdens he left me with. My goal is to resolve everything without it hurting anyone.
    I do not want to hurt him, and I do not want to be hurt. If this is the direction we are going in my hope is to do it peaceably and amicably. I will not engage in the cycle and I will not get on the roller-coaster. I would rather be alone.
    I can not do all the work it takes two people, and I can understand it if he does not want to do the inner work and or change the things that need to be changed in order for tow people to be in a healthy thriving marriage serving God together. I can say that I am very disappointed and it is heart breaking.I am being honest and that is my truth, I know that I will be ok and I will overcome this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I shared all I can share for now. there is so much more to my story, but I do not want to glorify the dark-sides of it, because I know in the spiritual realm what this is all about; the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, but my God JESUS comes to give me Life and give it more abundantly. God sees all and God will have the last word. I surrender all to God and choose to forgive, love and be at peace. Amen. PS: Geographic’s don’t work we take ourselves everywhere we go we need to change our selves on the inside. It is an inside job!
    God Bless all I will be praying for all the broken hearted. J. Please forgive any typos

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Dear J,

      sending you blessings and healing and thank you for your share here.

      Mel xo

  • Rivkafinkelstein@yahoo.com'
    Robyn finkelstein
    March 5, 2017

    How to deal with a narcissistic husband that you have contact with everyday and can’t leave the situation

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Robyn,

      that is what this entire two part series is about …

      If you have a more specific question about your particular circumstance I may be able to help.

      Mel xo

  • Katrin979@web.de'
    Katrin
    March 5, 2017

    Hi Melanie, thank you for that article, it made me realize that I still have a long way to go. But what I’m more scared of than anything is that my ex-husband traumatizes my son beyond repair. I noticed that he doesn’t draw so much energy from me anymore, basically because I’m always in grey mode when he picks up our son or brings him back, but he draws a lot of energy from my son now. He always gets into arguments with my son which eventually all end in tears and lots of drama. But my son is only 4, so when he thinks he is right (which 4 years old think quite often) then he tries everything to make his daddy see that he is right, which he of course cannot so it ends in tears and drama. I noticed that he basically uses our son to get the energy he doesn’t get from me anymore, and I am so scared for my son. I don’t want him to feel the same pain and fear and brokenness that I feel. I wish, I truly wish that you know a way how I can make the narc just go away, not be interested in us anymore…My son better has no father than an abusive father. I hope you can help us somehow.
    Regards, Katrin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Katrin,

      I have done a lot of publications regarding co-parenting and our children (which I am very passionate about) – which if you google you will find.

      Please know Katrin – your most powerful healing position for your son is to heal within your own being HOW you are seeing / feeling this (what is happening with him).

      When we shift our children can follow, and as mother’s we have a very powerful ability to do that.

      Also please find comments and my answers above regarding “our children” they may help.

      I hope this can help Katrin.

      Mel xo

  • hotskill@sbcglobal.net'
    S
    March 5, 2017

    This blog is one of your very best. Am so grateful for the read, enjoying each relevant point. Boundaries! My question is how does a boundary not become a wall? This concept seems contradictory to becoming free. If Source is all there is, then surely Source includes All, including the Narcissists. I am told to Love my brother, as myself. Even so, bodies are temporary, Spirit is everlasting. The N believes they are separate, and not one with the rest of us (an ego, a body, a false self). Yet, Truth tells us we are all One, (all minds are joined). Quantum Reality.
    Am no contact 16 months now. Reaping the blessings, stilling my mind in peace, yet missing the N, by not being able to heal our relationship…in this physical embodied lifetime, to one another. I pray for his happiness, and my own. Realizing the dagger of anger I held over his head, energetically is held over my own…working on forgivness and release. Only Love (Source) is real, and only Love will heal. I struggle with the question: How does a boundary heal, since it seems to create separation? Thank you, again for your enlightenment, and community discussion.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi S,

      this is a great question …

      Correct …. only Source is real – and it is only be feeding darkness energy that we get to live in the illusion of darkness.

      This is why when we become more and more Light (our organic True Self state without trauma in our Being) then N’s become “Not Our Reality” … and we desire no more to hang out with then than we would go hang out with criminals or crack dealers.

      (This is not judgement it just is energetic preference).

      Darkness feels “heavy”, Light feels light!

      They also gravitate out of our experience and Inner Being memory .. its a vibrational Universe after all where water meets its own level (we connect through the composition of our Inner Beings – woundedness or “Light”) …

      You are missing the N still S, and “questioning boundaries in this way” because you haven’t fully taken your evolution yet – the healing of that still wounded part that was assigning the N as the saviour of it (replaying previous wounds) that is actually your part to heal within you.

      Then I promise you – there will be no “missing” – just a glorious graduation into the next level of Who You Really Are … left with nothing but DEEP gratitude for the encounter that lead you inwards to ultimately free yourself.

      That’s the Soul Plan – if you take it.

      What else is there to do?

      If we are still confused … we aren’t doing that – because when we start ALL clarity comes. This is never about “them” or even “boundaries” … it is simply about healing those parts of ourselves within that are in pain – freeing the trauma and replacing it with love and healing … Period.

      Mel xo

  • Tamsin.f78@gmail.com'
    Tamsin
    March 5, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks so much for the great article! I’ve read it a few times now as I’m currently havig a lot of struggles. I’m separated from me ex for nearly 4 years now. I’ve done a lot of amazing therapy and truly feel I have healed my inner hurts and had been like a new person. I have two children with my ex so cannot do full no contact but have been using grey rock for two years now. Along with the inner healing I have accomplished it’s been great.
    My ex has now moved on to hurting my daughter, which of course hurts me in turn. She calls me late at night in tears telling me all the awful things he has said to her, how rejected she feels and how devalued. She is 8 and has to spend 5 nights per fortnight with him as ordered by the court. She doesn’t want to but isn’t old enough for the court to take her requests into consideration. She is also scared to talk to anyone about what he does for fear of reprisals.
    It’s tearing me apart knowing he emotionally abuses her the way he did me and while I am doing my best to give her the tools to get through this, I can imagine him sitting there feeling pleased with himself as he senses my energy and hurt at what he is doing.
    Is there anything I can do to take her away as a target for him despite having no power to change the court orders? She is so young she always rises to his bait and he manipulates her emotions so easily that I don’t know what to do!
    Thanks so much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Tasmin,

      this topic has come up quite a few times on this blog – understandably as it is one of the most painful things about continued contact with an N – and I am going to specifically target it part 2 … but quickly here I want you to know the absolute Quantum Truth on this – these things (pain and trauma) don’t shift to wellbeing in our children’s experiences until we shift “How We Feel” within our own Inner Being about it.

      And that seems (of course) like a massive task … yet I promise you that when we do release the trauma “about what is happening to our children” and replace it with wellbeing THEN the most incredible shifts can happen – and do.

      There are many people within this Community, who have shifted their children’s unthinkable trauma, by using this method (myself included).

      Primarily that is done with the use of Quanta Freedom Healing – the subconscious reprogramming super-tool … because what we discover is that our energy is DEEPY connected with our children, and where our energy goes is where theirs goes.

      I have created many publications about this which you can google – my name + coparenting + children .. and also see my comments above which reiterate what I have spoken to you about now.

      And .. as I said next week I will go into this in more detail.

      I hope this can help grant you some hope.

      Mel xo

      • Tamsin.f78@gmail.com'
        Tamsin
        March 5, 2017

        Thank you for your words Mel. I will wait for next weeks blog and google what you suggested.

  • hebron.white@gmail.com'
    Linky Olsen
    March 5, 2017

    THANK YOU, Mel…! I love you and love your efforts to help we prisoners go free. I thought I had healed up fine (after 3 nightmare marriages) and wondered WHY I was still attracting men with narcissistic tendencies. Right away they’d want to marry…and start controlling me as the dutiful wife. This article revealed to me there is still much work to be done. I’d better stop here and get to work! Love you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Linky,

      it’s my pleasure lovely lady!

      That’s so wonderful you are going to heal and break the pattern.

      Well done 🙂

      Love you too!

      Mel xo

  • y_marie11@aol.com'
    Vonni
    March 5, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    This is great! I am currently co parenting, and it had its hidden night mares. I say had, as I have begun to work on inner healing ( I want it so bad) But I also, believe running away and hiding is not the answer. I am so glad you explained “grey rock”. I had seen it mentioned over and over again in the Thrive fb group I am in. So I researched it. But what I was getting was so contrary to what I was reading on your blogs in what we need for healing and thriving. Now I see your explanation, which makes so much sense. You are blessing!! Thank you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Vonni,

      thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it!

      That is great you feel that you have more clarity 🙂

      Many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • adriana.zekaj@live.com'
    ANNA
    March 5, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Your work is truly amazing, thank you for helping everyone through their tough situations.

    Not sure how common my situation is, but it’s related to my best friend or whom I thought she was for few years. Also it’s connected to a crush I had on her brother who rejected me, not sure if he is a narcissist. What hurts me the most is my friend’s actions. Until I found about narcissism almost 1 year ago, I didn’t have many boundaries I believe. My friend (girl) was the nicest person I have ever met, she accepted me quickly as her friend, we became close, she was everything I wanted in a friend. And I was so happy.

    However, it all changed few months later, at the start she presented herself as very similar to me, also she said she was very sensitive and got hurt by people in her past. So I had empathy for her and would believe excuses she gave me when she ignored my texts or didn’t invite me to hang out and she got angry with me few times for things that were clearly her fault (i.e. she can be excused for anything and is always in the right). In summary, I always forgave her because I cared about her as a friend truly (also I did have a crush on her brother so didn’t want to make her angry, this crush passed – although I was hurt a bit but I am still friends with her). I knew my friend before her brother, so wanted to stay friends, even though she was a bit complicated and sensitive.

    Somewhere along the way, I found out about narcissism, and absolutely everyhting I read was totally her personality. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know if what she was doing was on purpose or not, but it kept hurting me more and more. I would cry many times because of her mind games. The more I actually implemented some boundaries, the worse she got. I couldn’t understand how a person can change so quickly, I sometimes think whether it was something I did before trying boundaries.

    At the start of the year, I tried to go NO contact but she contacted me 3 weeks later. And I felt good, but it wasn’t so much because she was nice, I feel like it was due to the fact that I have NEVER just ignored someone especially who was my friend. Usually in life, friendships fade on their own (I’m 29 btw) or you lose contact with people as you grow. But when we were NO contact, she would post pictures and quotes about her being rejected always and thing like that, I don’t know if it was related to me or not. I kept questioning myself so many times if I could be a narcissist, but I read that narcissists don’t self-reflect.

    I can’t understand how to help my situation. I don’t know what wounds I have. My family believes I don’t deserve to be treated like my friend treats me. But even after trying NO contact (sort of in contact now), I am hurting (I know she has a new victim now too). What do I do ?? 🙁

    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      t’s my pleasure!

      It is so typical for N’s of any description to “be everything you wanted” from that person – whether it be a lover, business partner or friend.

      Our attraction to them and “drinking it in” like a parched person in a desert is because in certain areas of our Life we don’t feel whole, and the illusion is that we need this person to “complete us” because we are not as yet a source to ourselves on certain topics.

      In love relationships we truly didn’t know how to unconditionally love and accept ourselves and we thought the narcissist was that.

      In business opportunities we believed the narcissist has the goods to create prosperity and success – attributes we don’t feel solid on within ourselves.

      In friendship opportunities we believe this person is everything is a friend to us in the ways we haven’t as yet befriended ourselves.

      When we have not as yet healed these things that the narcissist originally appears to provide and then hits hard and triggers as wounds for us, we are not free from the connection, we obsess and fret and question ourselves and the “spell” is not broken.

      Yet, when we turn inwards and learn how to partner with our Inner Being and discover what the wounds are and how to heal them – then the entire journey with a narcissist becomes one where we evolve ourselves beyond “who we were being” when they were able to penetrate our hearts and minds.

      There have been people Anna in this Community who have learnt how to heal from any narcissistic enmeshment, and I’d love you to join in on the next free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar if you would like to as well.

      At your age – 29 – there is so much ahead of you if you were to start working with Quantum Tools now …

      I can’t even imagine how incredible you Life moving forward could be!

      What you do Dear Lady is turn inwards and heal – because there is nothing else to do!

      Mel xo

      • adriana.zekaj@live.com'
        Anna
        March 7, 2017

        Dear Mel,

        Thank you for your advice and kind words.
        I will try my best to heal…

        Anna, xo

  • jt10101050@yahoo.com'
    Julie
    March 5, 2017

    Hi Mel

    Thank you for more great (and timely, in my case) advice. The narcissist in my life is my older sister (golden child, late mother possibly a covert narc, me the scapegoat, as I now realise) who has and is continuing to make my life hell. Basically, the details are text book and I have seen counsellors to try to make sure that my behaviour towards her hasn’t been unreasonable. The reply has always been that my sister’s treatment of me has been appalling and is abusive, plain and simple,

    Thanks to your blogs, I have tried going no contact but keep being hoovered back in, mainly due to my sending birthday cards/cheques to her grown up children. Unfortunately, this seems to be seen as a sign of weakness by my sister, who then gets in touch with quite jaw dropping (in the light of how she has treated me) demands. She also acts like the injured party in that I ‘don’t give a damn about her’. I have also noticed that extended family members have become very cool towards me, even though I never speak to them about my sister. Her children also do not get in touch.

    I will now try ‘grey rock’! and realise that I need to cut all ties. My question is how is it possible to cope with no longer having a family, or at least the illusion of belonging to one, or any close relationships at all? I am single and have no close friends. The ones that I had seem to be keeping their distance since my father died and my sister’s abuse intensified while our father was ill. I gave up work to care for him full time in his last years, which seems to have enraged my sister who, although she lives locally, did nothing to help except criticise and be very nasty towards me. She wasn’t estranged from our father, but visited once a week, taking care to ignore or be rude to me whilst there. I am in my late 40s and know I am very damaged by my upbringing. I’m also aware that people who haven’t experienced something similar probably think those of us who have are exaggerating the scale of the abuse. It’s alienating! I have started to try working through your NARP course, which I am hoping can change things.

    Thank you for your help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2017

      Hi Julie,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Oh gosh Julie, I know it is so difficult and painful when family is involved – yet truly Dear Lady I am so pleased you are a NARP member – because for your True Life to have a chance to come through you … all of the pain and confusion needs to go – be released from your body ..

      Start releasing with NARP whatever hurts the most, and then keep using that formula with Module 1 (the shortened version is great once you get the hang of it) as often as you can.

      Try as much as you can to suspend “thinking about it and trying to work it out” … rather … just honour yourself, for now making yourself the highest priority by saying “I am going to get this trauma up and out as my greatest devotion to myself right now.”

      Then Julie – space is going to enter, and relief and inner solidness – whereby you are not going to be nearly as susceptible to being hooked in – and you will not feel as alienated and abused … you will start to feel warm, solid and “loved” inside – which is all of the feelings we start to get as our organic True Self when the trauma gets released.

      Truly Julie when you dedicate to healing on the inside, at first it does feel like an incredibly lonely journey – but in many ways that is how it needs to be – creating that incredible loving inward relationship with self.

      And while we do that … it is a hiatus out of needing that from others.

      When we have got to the place of feeling more whole and self loving, then Julie we are able to be more radiant, connected and authentic, without the neediness, without high tolerance to inappropriate behaviour… and we are able to generate healthy friendships and we start to connect up with people as our “soul group” – our tribe.

      But it requires courage, and trust and inner work to say “I am no longer going to accept abuse as my ‘okay’ just to have connection or family.” In stark contrast we are willing to lose it all to gain ourselves and then start aligning with our souls and life which will deliver the bounty beyond our wildest dreams if we just do what we need to do.

      Which is take full responsibility for our own Inner Being, self-partner and heal.

      I hope this has helped support you and grant you hope, and please Julie join us in the NARP Forum where so many people who have been through what you have with family can reach out and help support you.

      Sending you hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  • jt10101050@yahoo.com'
    Julie
    March 5, 2017

    Thank you Mel-your reply and words of encouragement are much appreciated!

  • fernandes.jasmin@rocketmail.com'
    Jasmin
    March 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    Once again, perfect timing of topic for me. NC for nearly a year now. I am for the first time in my life free of craving and depending on others to generate my own peace love and happiness. Occasionally a trigger comes up which is energetic supply to my ex,psychics toxicity. QH has saved me from dependency. I am a different person much freer and confident. But I have a health issue which scares me.
    I have been diagnosed with meningioma which is slow growing nearly 10 years. It is on my forehead it looks freaky to others but it does not affect me much other than freaky look and the fact that is growing The neurosurgeon recommended for it to be removed. I am truly terrified of this. I could end up with stroke although only a small chance of that. This started during my very toxic marriage. Do you have any advice? I will do source healing goal module onn this.
    I think it is forcing me to truly surrender to source, to reconnect to love source god healing, breaking ego.

    Love
    Jasmin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2017

      Hi Jasmin,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you!

      That is wonderful that you are feeling like a solid self-generative force within!

      Jasmin, it really is about targeting and releasing the fear … reaching right into the white hot core of it … and up-levelling it.

      And in the healing you will totally go to where your surrender needs to be.

      Then you will know what to do …. Your Inner Guidance will help you.

      I think you are already onto it – its just a matter of really going there in Module Work.

      I would use Goal Setting – SH & R as you suggested. That is the most powerful way to shift this.

      Also reach out in the NARP Community for any further coaching and support you need for this.

      Mel xo

      • fernandes.jasmin@rocketmail.com'
        Jasmin
        March 7, 2017

        Dear Melanie
        Thank you for your deep intuitive magic understanding and love you shower upon everyone so generously. Your understanding is out of this world! I feel so honored to be able to communicate with you directly , receive your words of wisdom and love.
        I now understand that this scary time is also for me to really go into the core of my issues as you said, to really reconnect with source god-great spirit. I just can’t hand over this to no-one but truly own it. Presenting opportunity to be really one with source. Everything that is happening to me I created.
        I am little behind with knowing technically how to access community, as well as learning to trust others. It will happen undoubtedly when I am ready.
        Thank you dear brave soul-you have gone through so much….to understand the pain and suffering so profoundly…and have emerged so free!
        Xoxo
        Jasmin

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 7, 2017

          Hi Jasmin,

          bless you and thank you for your gorgeous words! 🙂

          Please know you can also shift the fear – not trusting .. and anchor more deeply into trusting Source and Self (that is really what NOT feeling safe around others is about … not being to show up and look after ourselves or believe that Life has our back).

          The Forum is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member and Clarie at support@melanietoniaevans.com can help you with any techno challenges in there!

          She is amazing with that stuff!

          Connection with a “tribe” will be very good for you in this next stage.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

          • fernandes.jasmin@rocketmail.com'
            Jasmin
            March 10, 2017

            Hi Melanie

            Feeling the quantum shifts as I have done SH&R over last few days and moving through terrifying fear of loneliness abandonment death and abyss. I am beginning to feel glimmers of hope….with this most recent challenge I can’t focus on any of my narcs anymore .it is all within me and yet still symptomatic of my past relationships. i like your expression of hot white core…your language is superbly imbued with quantum vibration…

            I did connect with Claire sometime ago and she too has amazing energy…she helped me lots with understanding of SH&R.

            Thank you for the link and your encouragement.💜

  • svnaimool@hotmail.com'
    Sherice
    March 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I would like to know how to deal with the psychic connection to the Narc. It’s strange but everytime he is planning and ploting another attack, I sense it and become very aware and fearful at times. I feel it, I feel his rage and his intentions and sometimes I know exactly what he is going to do. I can’t explain it.

    There was one time where I knew what he wanted to do and I did the exercise you taught us to acknowledge and bless the thoughts and the very said thing happened to him. wow! Not my intention I just let go.

    Please tell me how I should approach the psychic connection, I know he feeds off it. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I sense what he is doing and I can up level myself or if it’s a bad thing.

    PLEASE HELP, IT’S A BIG ONE FOR ME.

    Also, I am guilty of depending on the courts for him to pay child support, I get a sense of security from it and if it were to be taken away I would be very distraught. I am going to put my best foot forward because I do have a case but as you said I am going to be-come my own source of security, prosperity and happiness.

    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2017

      Hi Sherice,

      let me please just start by saying – for virtually everyone who is Narc Abused the psychic infiltration / violation is HUGE.

      It is all synonymous with narcissistic abuse – so I just want to normalise that for you.

      There is only one true way to defeat it that I know of – and I mean REAL way – not just energetic tie cutting and psychic blocking that needs to be done over and over again – and simply keeps re-forming.

      Heal our wounds – everything that has made us a psychic enmeshment possibility to a narcissist.

      Target “what hurts” and the “psychic fears and trauma” and get them up and out of our body and bring in Love and Healing to replace them (which is the Quanta Freedom Healing process.)

      Because every time we do that – piece by piece by piece we develop ourselves to an Inner Identity Level that is NOT a match for a narcissist.

      Also what happens is when we make our healing ALL about ourselves, by going inwards, finding our wounds and working on healing them, the narcissist psychic hold starts to drop off – because we are in our own body starting to grow and heal our own power (coming home) – rather than being outside the pack like a gazelle alone waiting to be picked off.

      For myself, in intense psychic attachment it was the only way I believe I was ever going to get free – turn inwards and do the work.

      The goal for all of us, is to be-come a Being that does not even reside in a Universal Reality with a False wounded Self … then I promise you Sherice there will be NO ink running through your veins and his psychic presence infiltrating your Being – at ALL.

      And you will be well on your way to growing up those previous dependent unhealed parts who were assigning you as your Source … and that is exciting.

      That is freedom.

      The pain and trauma of narcissistic abuse – urges us to do that – because it is the only way out of this.

      I hope this helps inspire you and allows you to realise how possible this is – when we do the work.

      Mel xo

      • svnaimool@hotmail.com'
        Sherice
        March 10, 2017

        Melanie!

        Your choice of words are um for the least incredible. Reread what you wrote about his ink running through my veins. then two lines after you used the word freedom.

        It astounded me because I did something I always wanted to do but never thought my body belonged to me- I got a tattoo that says ” free”.

        that’s incredible.

  • Heyanne1066@gmail.com'
    Margaret
    March 6, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Thank you so much for this. I am at the place of absolutely knowing No Contact is the only solution. Upon reflection I am so so much happier when I do not allow him in my life and I “get on” but I have not healed and I just met him for a rushed 30 minute meeting recently thinking why am I here? Why could I not have just ignored him or blocked him? I know he cannot and will not give me the love and attention I crave and anything less he gives me just hurts. I know I have to get what I need from within. I am a NARC member but I am afraid, lazy?? and just don’t know where and how to start to do the shifts… I’m afraid of trying it, I’m afraid of change, becoming something I’m not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it work for me and then I will feel there is no hope and that the hurt will continue for the rest of my life… I MUST do this I know, but today is a bad day and I am struggling and obsessing… Need help please. Much love xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2017

      Hi Margaret,

      it is my pleasure!

      The bottom line honey is – when you have had enough of the pain – you will do the work.

      The first starting point I would do in shifts – is this:

      “Why am I not dedicated to healing me” … see what that brings up for your and dig that out and up-level.

      Then you will be …

      Hugs.

      Mel xo

  • Murchie.janette@gmail.com'
    Janette
    March 6, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I just found your website/program/articles and I’m finding so much truth in them! What you say makes SO much sense! I am currently struggling with where I’m at in my separation from my ex. We have 5 children together. He has PTSD and depression and has been on stress leave from work (police officer) for 5 months. He is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. It’s extremely difficult for me to disengage, not react to his ridiculous accusations and lies. He is SO GOOD at manipulating words and people, playing the victim, projecting his behaviour onto me, flipping things around, etc. Recently I’ve been trying hard to ignore him but his last resort is to either a) use the kids as a way to get to me, get a reaction from me, as in if I ignore him then I look like a bad mom, or b) tell me he can’t pay child support and start complaining about finances. I just don’t know how to not react – unfortunately I am in a position where I desperately rely on his child support payments and he knows it.

    I had a very difficult time coping emotionally with the fallout of our marriage and family, letting go of what my idea of our family was. There was/is still another woman involved, and I cannot for the life of me accept it – I refuse to let her be a part of my kids lives. I don’t want them growing up without good, strong, solid morals and values – something she clearly lacks.

    Emotionally I’m so much better now that I understand what he is and that our life was based on lies, that he will never, ever change. Letting go of the hope was the hardest pill to swallow – but once I did, I realized freedom lies beneath the veil of hope. Unfortunately I still react because it’s just so hard not to defend, or correct his false insinuations. I feel, a lot. I’m a very emotional person. If I need a label then I suppose empath would be appropriate – the complete opposite of what he is. It feels like I’ll never be out from under him although I do have stronger days more and more often. How on earth does an empath stop being the very things that narcissists thrive on??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2017

      Hi Janette,

      my heart goes out to you – because this is the absolute epitome of what N abuse triggers and hurts within us.

      The smashing of the dream.

      The fears of security and survival.

      The obsession and trauma about being replaced.

      The ongoing terrible behaviour of the N that continues to hurt us.

      There is only one solution Dear Lady … heal.

      Heal everything that hurts, that we can’t get over, that we can’t resolve in our Being that is crippling us and our Life. What else is there to do?

      They are not going to turn around and fix it – and they were never meant to.This was always about the evolving of ourselves to become and live as we always wanted to – which was never going to be with a False Self being our Source.

      I promise you there is the “other side” – but it means healing and lots of it. That is what the NARP Program is – a place and way to fully meet those inner wounds and heal them once and for all.

      It is what has been responsible for every true Thriver that has come back from where you are now in this Community.

      All of us were sensitive and severely affected by N’s because we were carrying wounds that made us susceptible to this. Without wanting to get real with ourselves about that – we are always going to remain victims, who don’t develop and evolve and get out of this trauma.

      I promise you when they are healed you will still be a feeling good person – its just you will no longer be hooked and reacted from a wounded Inner Identity.

      I promise you that is the truth, and the truth helps set us free.

      You can heal from this …

      Sending hugs.

      Mel xo

  • dawnw@platinum.ca'
    dawn
    March 6, 2017

    I think what you are doing is fantastic. thank you. I have being reading and learning and improving my ability to handle a NPD Ex for the last 4 years. I agree absolutely with your advice and thank you. Where I find myself particularly challenged handling things however and hope that you can help…..is how my Ex uses and hurts the children, without conscience, rather delight, to hurt me, get his “supply” He refuses to work which even with a court order for child support, essentially is a manipulation for me to unilaterally support our children and all their activities, education etc. He has court ordered time with the children and when they go with him he will email me a a list: send the kids skates, snow pants, bikes, runners etc. ……….pay for the kids education, sports…………and if I do not then he will say the children dont understand why you wont bring their snow pants and now cannot go sledding. And when I pick up the kids they say why didnt you bring them? One child fears to go with him (psychologists involved) and a voice of the child report states she is afraid to be without her sister, AND he embellishes that fear. He threatens her she will be staying alone with him without her My little girls tells me this as tears stream down her face and she shakes. He will lie, deny, psychologists will hear the little girl……we have psychologists, a parent coordinator, have had a bilateral assessment, and he has a claim against me for a “gift” of land given to me which is a frivilous lawsuit and just hit our family business with another lawsuit. What do you do when your child wants to do a sport and he advises that if you dont register and pay and buy all thier gear they will miss out and i would have denied them?……………and he does/will do this. What I do is support my kids and ensure I a doing what I think is best regardless of his games and threats. I can get past that. But he tells roars at my dyslexic child “why cant you be normal?” Maybe that makes it way to the psychologist who talks to the parent coordinator who says shame on you to him who denies and lies and attacks in response. He favors his son, dotes on him and I see my own son showing narcisstic traits……….it is one thing for me to deal with this person. it is quite another to have to send my children with him. I agree with your advise that if I am handling the matter and empowered this will help my kids. they are only 11 and 12 (the eldest refused to go with him since 14) The good part of the story is that i kicked him out. he hurt the kids physcially and did not get any significant time with them for 3.5 years. He touches them now he will lose them again. But now, and worse is the psychological games. I agree the better I handle it the better they will. But they are just kids. this is a crime. You have a guy grab a little girls shoulder and hurt her so much it she says it feels like her collarbone broke. She tells the therapist who confronts him who responds in shock, never, near tears…….she believes him. He then gets angry at the children for telling the therapist. One night picks her sister up by the head and throws her, slaps her , hugs her to agony, says why did you tell the therapist…………….but child family services does nothing cuz it isnt bad enough. the children need a father in their life. He flips the table and they want to investigate me for why the children are making up stories and telling Mom what she wants to hear. I am just giving you bits and pieces. I have to help my kids and me get through this. thanks for doing what you are doing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2017

      Hi Dawn,

      sweetheart you are totally right in the middle of him using the children as pawns against you.

      My heart goes out to you – there is nothing more painful than seeing our little ones hurt, and feeling powerless to do anything to stop it.

      Dawn please know it can be so hard to understand – until we do … just how the Quantum Field works … and I know that every time I speak to a parent like you caught up in this … that what I am saying may sound “glib” and even “irresponsible” and as if the children’s welfare is NOT important – because what I am saying is STOP trying to fight back with what is happening with the children and turn inwards instead.

      In stark contrast I am passionately committed to helping us save our children from the trauma we went through – as well as their future generations so that these cycles of abuse / abused can finish.

      And I know, so well with my own previous battles and the battles I have helped thousands of people with, that unless we approach this from an Energetic Standpoint – no amount of going to authorities trying to enlist help and trying to get our children away from these people may work.

      Especially if we are emotionally vibrating in the trauma of how bad and wrong it is (which of course is a perfectly understandable viewpoint).

      However in Quantum Law – life doesn’t work like this – it work’s UNCONDITIONALLY like this … “So within so without” … so whilst we are traumatised for our little ones … the Field of Life in our experience sets at that point of “more of that”.

      In fact – in the case of narcissists – there are countless people everywhere stuck in this struggle who are the MOST diligent and loving of parents trying to do everything they cant protect their children to no avail.

      Some of my closest friends have been in this position – and they too took on what I have learnt …

      At times we have NO power on the outside … the authorises don’t help and the narc continues doing what they do – creating the damage they do.

      Until WE shift.

      Meaning go inside ourselves with Quanta Freedom Healing and release the trauma we feel about this situation and become an inner platform of peace, trusting Life will unfold in the ways that will support our children, and literally knowing they are safe, protected and coming into their own wisdom and power.

      BEFORE any physical evidence.

      Be it and it will come. (Be-come).

      Then things start to happen … our children get calmer (where our energy goes in regard to them theirs does too) … and within our experience we are having as Life (in our Quantum Reality) things start to shift to match our inner composition state on these topics.

      Then the narcissist loses power in the situation. It is just not a Quantum match anymore.

      Dawn, I promise you, over a decade before I went on this life and death journey with a narcissist and had my awakening which showed me the truth about Quantum Reality – and then started working with it to save and flourish my life …I would have thought my words were those of a MAD woman!

      I get it – if you can’t as yet absorb or feel what I am saying ..

      Truly Dawn, there comes a time in our Life when we are willing to look at and try another way because what we are doing isn’t working. This way does work – it has already worked for countless parents in this Community. And I know that it can work in your situation – the proof of it is irrefutable.

      Mel xo

  • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
    Sonia
    March 7, 2017

    Hi lovely Melanie;
    I don’t know how you do it, but you do it everytime, congrats on your “once again” spot on, so timely insight.
    All of your suggestions as to what the pain could be about apply to me, my question being how to work on them.
    Can I just work all of them in one module or do I have to work on each one by one separately?.
    And what module would be most appropriate? GSM or module 1 (or any other)
    Quote …“People who love me hurt me”, “I am insignificant to others and discarded and unloved by them”, “I am not safe in life”, “Authorities and people persecute me and punish me”, “I have to earn love and acceptance”, “Nothing I ever do is good enough to be loved”, “If I am replaced by another I can’t survive”, “I can’t protect and help the people I love”, “I have no rights”, “Everything that is valuable to me is taken away”, …
    Would SH&R of this do?
    Forever in debt for your wise advice

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      I am so pleased this article resonated with you!

      Yes … separate them Dear Lady – take one trauma at a time to Module Work to really pinpoint and shift – and what you will find is that some do overlap …

      I love shortened Module 1 and GSM …

      S H and R is great for everything you mentioned.

      No debt sweetheart – just release and shine – that is payment.

      Your Light is my Light – we are all One.

      Mel xo

  • shaistagul@gmail.com'
    Noni
    March 8, 2017

    Love from Pakistan!!!
    Hi dear! I am Noni from Pakistan. I have been a victim of Narcissistic abuse by my MIL (mother-in-law) since about twelve years. I lived with her in a joint family for the first six (most crucial) years of my married life. I was lucky enough to come across this notion of Narcissism in the beginning and understand it very well, but still as there were many resources to unlock the mysteries of Narcissism, there was really no genuine resource on how to effectively deal with it. As you rightly say, all the help resources stick you inside the cycle of victimhood. They don’t empower you or show you the way out of it. I have beek searching and reading and also engaging with some therapists, but I was always either misled or not guided properly. Your insight is truly golden and your words are truly inspirational. Just by reading a few articles by you, I feel I am more than half way out of my beliefs of powerlessness and victimhood. Thanks a lot for that and God bless you dear!!! He sent you as an angel in the life of so many wounded people.
    Although, since six years, I am living independently and far away from her, but still she has a strong hold over my emotions and fears. She visits us every year ususally in summer vacations. I want to share with you an imaginary letter I wrote to her back in 2009 as a part of self therapy, so that you have a clear idea on how she has affected me as a parent. (I’ll keep the damage she did to my marital relationship for later.) Also, please keep in mind that in our South Asian culture, elders are given the status if almost gods and it’s a kind of “blaspehmy” to go against their wishes….
    Here goes my imaginary letter:
    To my MIL 31/12/09
    Anger:
    I am angry because you emotionally abused me for about three years just because you couldn’t stand me as the mother of your grandson. It was not about spending time with and enjoying his company; it was actually about “a competition of who had the right to become his mother and possess him”. You declared to me that he would belong to you after his birth and I would be kept out of his life: You forced me into doing a job and continuing it after his birth; you said that I would do my job and he would remain with you in your school’s daycare; then he would sleep with you in the afternoon; then go with you on an evening walk; and then sleep with you at night too, while a maid would do all his jobs. You made your intentions very obvious to me even before he was born and acted paranoid after his birth. You were unable to enjoy his company because your focus was all on me having all his love and attention as a mother. You were clearly jealous and used to say very obnoxious things to me and him. You could have easily enjoyed his love as the grandparent by having quality time with him, just like your husband did, but you didn’t because you wanted something beyond that. You clearly stated to me: “I raised my sons only for myself and married them off only to have my grandchildren. Now, leave them (all) to me and I’ll raise my grandchildren myself.” You actually meant that my job was over, I was no more needed in the house and I could go to hell then. You were not interested in me any more. I hate you because:

    Ø You placed unreasonable demands on me by telling me to “surrender” all my rights as a mother. No matter how much I gave in, you were never satisfied and spread this propaganda in the whole family that I was a possessive mother and had deprived you of “your kid’s” love.
    Ø You gave me the toughest time when I decided to exclusively breastfeed my son. I did it for his wellbeing; but, I never knew that it upset you immensely because you knew it created an unbreakable bond between the son and the mother. I hate you for your resistance to it. You spread this propaganda that my milk had “dried up” and I was starving “your kid” by not bottle-feeding him. You even used to pull out my nipple from his mouth to irritate him to abandon my breast. You were sick minded. You were hatable. You left me so weak that I could not tell you to lay off.

    Ø I was subjected to constant criticism by you. You always proved me a “carefree and irresponsible mother”. In fact you always blamed me for not being a well wisher of my own child. I can’t forget your statement at the Gynae’s clinic (at the time of my first pregnancy): “I tell her to eat! Eat! Why are you starving my kid to death?” (as if I was starving ‘your kid’ in my womb.)”
    Ø You treated me like my son’s maid. You used to order me to do things for him and when I did you would scold me for not doing them properly. You always belittled me. You always imposed your ways and methods. You were not just interfering; you were intrusive.
    Ø You used to say vulgar things to me and my baby. You used to shout at both of us in your husband’s absence.
    Ø You were aggressive. You used to “punish” me for being the mother of “your kid”. You would bang our door at night, midnight and in the morning to disturb our sleep. You would yell at us and accuse me of keeping “your kid” away from you. You ruined my peace of mind in my second pregnancy. You would continuously ring the bell in the afternoon for a long time, after returning form your school, because you knew that was the time I made my son sleep. You kept the phone in the TV lounge and used to shout on the phone. You would keep the bathroom door open because I told you it upset me since my son would wet himself and play with the water in the commode. You did everything deliberately to drive me nuts and make me mad.
    Ø You belittled and controlled me in the guise of offering “help and advice” in front of your husband. You proved me wrong in every way and imposed your irrational ideas. You never listened to my logical explanations and I felt that I was being treated like a barking dog.
    Ø If I ever questioned your ideas or told you that you were being unfair, you created a drama out of it to cry crocodile tears and convince your husband that I was being “Bud-Tameez” (ill mannered). You always, ridiculously, considered yourself a victim rather than a perpetrator.
    Ø If I ever told your husband, or your son, the truth about you, you always blatantly denied it. You always said that you never did anything wrong and all the problem lied with me not you.
    Ø I lost respect for myself when I didn’t stand up for myself and didn’t confront you. I resented myself and used to slap my face in frustration and cry my heart out. I was so scared of you that I sulked into my room for a long time. This gave you another opportunity to make your husband believe that I was being “Bud-Tameez” (ill mannered) by not socializing with the family.
    Ø You capitalized on my fear and “learned helplessness”.
    Ø Once you threatened me in front of your husband and snatched my son from my lap saying “This is only OUR child. We will take him ONLY with us out. You are not allowed to go.” Your husband didn’t say anything to you and I couldn’t utter a word either because he seemed to be on your side. Then I went to the bathroom and cried my heart out. Everything was taken so lightly as if nothing had happened.

    Sadness:
    I am sad because your emotional abuse is still affecting me even though I don’t live with you in the same portion any more. I relive those past experiences because my anger is unresolved: It’s just like my anger is “frozen” inside me and I want to let it out on you. I suffer most in the days of my PMS when I have frequent flashbacks. My son gets upset to see me.. I don’t want him to be affected negatively.

    Fears:
    You still compete with me and disregard my authority as a mother. I fear that, God forbid, I’ll have to live with you forever and you won’t let me enjoy the blessings of motherhood because you’ll always drag me into this tug of war over my son and even my daughter.

    Regrets:
    I regret giving you so much power over me. I am to blame.

    Love:
    I don’t feel any love for you. You’re dear to me only as a Muslim. I pray for you. I ask God to give you the best of this world and the Hereafter. I ask Him to give you guidance. I want to live separately from you, so that we have a respectable distance, Insha’Allah, and I have some space to breathe too. I don’t want to hate you any more.

    ……. So, dear Melanie! I hope it clearly gives you the idea what a hell of a Narcissist she is and you can very well imagine her hold over her husband and son. Right now, my problem is her “annual visits” to me and also her manipulation of her husband against me to get hold of my now eleven years old son. She plays with her husband’s insecurities and weaknesses to use him as a proxy against me. When I moved to this city and got independence fro her (as my husband was posted here for his job), she took it as an assault from me with a “double-headed sword”: I had snatched away both her son and the only male heir, her grandson, from her. She still hasn’t digested this and will covertly plan to somehow take my son back. For this, she has manipulated my FIL’s (father-in-law’s) obsession with educating his kids. He was hell of a teacher for his own kids and would thrust studies down the throats of his kids. The only interaction between father and kids, as I know, was teaching, teaching, teaching and that too all the time, all the year, in a regimental style….the stress was so much so that he sent his two boys to a military boarding school at a tender age of twelve, so that they could be “fixed” and programmed to just study in a highly disciplined environment. Now, she boosts his ego by telling him what a wonderful father he was and that he needs to “fix” my son the same way and send him to the same kind of militarily boarding school, but this one is near their place as they want him to visit them every weekend and on vacations too. For this purpose, he has been forcing my kid to cover all Maths syllabus in just a month or two of summer vacations… You should see the drama that goes on at my place…gosh…and in the meanwhile both husband and wife are lecturing me on what a “waste” I am as a mother and that they need to take over my motherhood as I am “incapable”. This has been happening since 2015 as they expect to prepare the child for the entrance exam that will be probably held in 2018. The first time they did it, I felt very powerless and confused as I was not mentally prepared for that. Next year, in 2016, they pretty much did the same. But, I finally stood my ground when their actions intensified after they left: My FIL would call every day to “test” my son for what he was taught and both me and my son were insulted for not measuring up to his standards. He would become paranoid in the days of exams and call literally after about every ten minutes to ask my son to do Math sums (while he had a book with him)….screaming at the height of his lungs, blaming us for zero performance and not acknowledging any efforts by us. He was not even letting us breathe, it would seem. So, I finally lost it and decided to shed my fears and NOT attend his phone no matter what. I knew his next move to make me succumb to his pressure would be to call his relatives, who live nearby, and ask them to call him back. I had always been fearful of losing respect in the eyes of those relatives, but NOT this time. So, just as I had expected, aunty, their relative, came to my house and rang the door bell. I just talked to her standing from my terrace. I was infuriated and told her off, “Aunty, tell him that I am a bitch of a daughter-in-law, I have no manners and I don’t believe in keeping relations like a respectful person. ” … Aunty sensed the gravity of the situation and said she would just tell my FIL that I was busy preparing my kid inside my bedroom with the doors locked and didn’t even hear the phone bell…whatever…that was the first time I think I drew boundaries with my inlaws regardibg my son. The weapon which my FIL had used against me (involving his relatives to intimidate me) had failed this time; and thank God from then on he stopped calling like crazy during exams… But, it didn’t stop there and he did try to enforce his “rules” through his son… I had many fights and arguments with my husband and challenged his parents’ parenting model…there have been ups and downs, but over all my husband seems to have abosorbed my point, although he still placates his parents and doesn’t tell them categorically to keep their nose out of our parenting business. I have asked my husband several times to tell his parents off that I am not sending my son to the boarding school near their place and they should stop dreaming about that. He says “Yes” to me to shut my mouth, but on the other hand he will tell his parents too what they want to hear to please them. He is a weakling. He can never take stand for his rights. Melanie, your article has shown me the truth that I must stop depending on my husband for feeling a sense of control and security in my life. Yes, it has to be this way. Right now, I am following your articles to prepare myself for their upcoming visit in May or June. I am pregnant and expecting to deliver in July. So, I know it is going to be tough having them around at such a time. But, I know God led me to your wisdom for a purpose. I am positive and lookig forward to further adivce from you. I know I am capable enough as God doesn’t stress a soul beyond its capacity.
    Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom with the whole world! God bless you! Amin!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 10, 2017

      Hi Noni,

      I am glad my information is resonating with you, and you are so welcome – I am very pleased I can help.

      Noni, in regard to the deeper fears and traumas that still exist wedged inside you – that is of course perfectly understandable – and this is where my deep healing tools differ from just cognitively trying to overcome that … because Quanta Freedom Healing actually releases it cellularly from your very DNA,so that the trauma simply is not there anymore.

      This is a total game changer in our life with abusers regardless of how bad they are or what they have done to us. And what we discover is that when we have removed ourselves as the “other end of the magnet” (by releasing and replacing all our previous inner trauma) that person ceases to have power over us anymore.

      Because we are free of the pain and fear and trauma – or the concern about “what if” in the present and future, because we are into the anchoring in “what to do” and we are willing to lose it all to get it all.

      As you son’s mother you have the jurisdiction over who is in your life and his, until he is old enough to choose. You have the right to lay boundaries and intercept and not allow abuse to your son, which is clearly happening.

      It’s also time for you and your husband to be a united force – but that will probably only happen when you heal enough to be so strong within yourself, that will be when your husband “gets it” … as that will be when you truly “get it”.

      When we “get it” there is no negotiation – it goes like this: “Join me in the is truth for me and our son, or don’t. And if you don’t I will live it without you.”

      We let people have their choice – but we have firmly chosen our OWN truth about this, independent of what they choose.

      When people have crossed the line with control .. which is totally unsolicited and have acted abusively such as the grandparents – then any interaction with them needs to be: These are my standards and conditions for staying connected with you – if they can’t be honoured then there is no connection.”

      Period.

      And we heal ourselves, by releasing all trauma and fear from inside us, so that we hold that position regardless of fallout and regardless of what they try to do.

      Then, your truth will be impenetrable.

      I hope this helps and this is so important for you Noni with another little one on the way.

      It is up to you to really live this template of care and freedom for your children.

      Best of luck and sending you lots of love and courage.

      Mel xo

      • nonipa_pk@yahoo.com'
        Noni
        March 28, 2017

        😘 Thanks a lot dear Melanie! I have tried your Webinar and done three shifts so far and I already feel like I am having the soothing effect of an antidepressant (I left Prozac in the beginning of my pregnancy a few months back) and I don’t think I’ll be needing it again ever in my life again God willing.

  • jennyanon@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    March 9, 2017

    hi mel!

    i am wondering about narcissistic family members at important life events. what to do here?

    i am getting married in 3 months and am not sure i want to risk being triggered at such an important event in my life. i have done a lot of work and have been no contact with my narcissistic family members for a year. but i recently made contact with my father because as my newly upleveled, adult self i believe an adult relationship with him might be possible (but still experimenting with this).

    for the sake of a relationship with my father, i am considering going very low contact with the rest of my family members. in order to have my father at my wedding, i am considering having the rest of them there as well.

    my question is basically this – if you choose to do low contact with toxic family members, can you still exclude them from important events? or how do you handle this?

    thanks,
    jenny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 10, 2017

      Hi Jenny,

      this is really good question.

      For me any interaction with family previous abusers goes like this …

      Am I healed enough to be someone with them present regardless of what they might do, knowing I will be in my power to either detach completely or deal with it in a healthy way? …

      And, If I am not then don’t be there with them.

      Am I making a decision to include people in an event, who I would normally not have there, to try to be the good person and keep other’s happy? If so – that is not healthy for anyone.

      Of course Jenny you can exclude whoever you want – just release the guilt and feeling of responsibility or fears of fallout with other people.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • pietere7@gmail.com'
    Pieter Engelbrecht
    March 11, 2017

    Melanie, you mentioned unemployment. Does that mean that a narcist can have a finger in the pie because you did not get work? I had thought of it many times but not sure. I am since 2000 without work and had sent 1000’s CV ou, and no positive outcome. And since I see the truth about the narcist and what a narcist is – find out about narcist July 2016. The children (young men) turned against me (the youngest one long time ago – mother’s child). The oldest one after she takes them with to the attorney when I send her a divorce letter (end 2014) – still with her. But now I am sick of it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2017

      Hi Pieter,

      I truly believe that no matter what “someone else” is doing – The Field – meaning Life is responding to our inner beliefs and traumas (if we are blocked on something).

      I would suggest that inwards is where you could find and release those beliefs to get your breakthrough.

      I hope this suggestion helps.

      Mel xo

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    March 13, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    This is AWESOME!!!! I have been doing Quantum Healing modules and they help me tremendously. But I didn’t understand all of this to the degree that you clarify it here. The way you put it, it really packs a punch. It is truly inspiring.

    I have been doing a variety of methods of Inner Work on myself for a long time and I actually have found a lot of relief and growth from them. Yet I have always felt that there was some kind of “nut” deep down that I just couldn’t crack. I couldn’t get to the desired point where what I call “chronically dysfunctional people” couldn’t STILL get under my skin. I got A LOT better at dealing with them and the after burn but they still “terrorized” me.

    I have gotten SO MUCH out of ALL your videos, blogs, modules, etc. etc. But these recent “lessons” specifically How to Evict the Narcissist From Your Head and Move on With Your Life and this one have really been the “glue” that links the pieces together and connects the dots. I am really charged up to listen to Part 2.

    I have heard the concepts of Acceptance, Detachment and Put the Focus on Yourself in another beloved method that was a lifesaver for me and still is excellent for certain things. YET I have not heard them in the way that you put them. With acceptance, instead of just trying to accept that something just is, you add the caveat of NEEDING a certain outcome IN ORDER FOR US to be okay. With detachment, it had been essentially the idea of just trying to not let someone or something get to you rather than HEALING THE INTERNAL TRAUMA/EMOTIONAL CHARGE that is THE HOOK. When you can heal/dissolve the emotional charge, it becomes NATURAL to just MOVE ON. And with “put the focus on yourself,” you take this concept to a whole other level of REALLY living YOUR OWN TRUTH and generating your life on such a DEEP level FROM THE INSIDE OUT without worrying about someone else’s disapproval. We can stop walking on eggshells and stop asking for permission to live/be. We can live our OWN truth BECAUSE we have truly transformed ourselves on the inside. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

    And when you talk about the intense desire to hold the narcissist accountable (and let’s face it who doesn’t want to), I’d like to put out there a line that I once heard and love: The best revenge is a life well lived.

    As always, THANK YOU.
    Much love,
    Deanna
    xoxoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2017

      H Deanna,

      I am so pleased this is helping lovely lady!

      And it is great that some of the deeper understandings have been able to click into place for you here.

      Yes Deanna it is freedom – I can feel how much this has clicked in with you – and turned your Quantum Light on.

      Yaya! That is exciting 🙂

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • mmonettaburke@gmail.com'
    Maria
    March 22, 2017

    Hi,

    I’ve been separated from my narc husband for almost a year now. Life is getting better for my daughter and me. I have asked him for a very limited amount of money during our separation (approx. $100) per month to help support us. When I was in the relationship with him, a great deal of the abuse was financial. He would use money to threaten, control, manipulate and punish me as he was the bread winner and I was working part-time, finishing a degree and I was the primary caregiver for our daughter. He resented me for not bringing more money into the household and sharing more of the financial burden. So, basically, I’ve avoided filing for child support to avoid the inevitable hostility that will ensue afterwards from him. I am on the brink of filing as I’ve asked him for more money to no avail. I know that I should not expect him to do the right thing. I haven’t done this program yet – I need to save up the money. But I’ve read many of the articles, listened to the radio shows and watched the videos. Melanie, you are a light shining in my dark places! I knew that I was in an abusive relationship (although not physical abuse) but I never had words to express what was really going on or how I was feeling. If anyone has any words of wisdom with regards to filing for child support and how I should go about approaching the topic of money with him, I would truly appreciate it! I’m very fearful of demanding more money or letting the courts determine what my daughter and I deserve. I’ve already asked in a nonconfrontational manner and it didn’t make much of a difference. I know now that I need to divorce him and find the courage to get on with my life, but it’s hard for me to totally let go. I keep hoping that he’s going to change and that somehow things will work out by some miracle. ​

  • reneeh39@icloud.com'
    Renee
    March 22, 2017

    I was married to a sociopath and alcoholic for 20 years. He has triangulated me and my daughter – who has also manipulated him – they are alike. She wants nothing to do with me. I took a year off to work on myself and before dating – I fell in love with a narcissist who came and went from my life until recently. Within five weeks he told me he loved me always loved me and wanted to be with me – identified I had trust issues with him, that he had put them there and had to work hard at making me overcome that. To telling me I was going to be a “cat lady” hoped I would find happiness, then told me he met my neighbor (her door is three feet in front of me) , it was shitty circumstances and to help him with the process because he cared about me, cared about them, and I asked him to carry the relationship out away from my building – he didn’t, and has been staying there nightly – I have to see his truck everytime I go out. He has made me out to be the crazy ex girlfriend and his current girlfriend didn’t believe me when I told her that he had asked if he needed to put a ring on my finger to know he was serious three weeks before dating her and still in my bed two weeks before he was in hers. She is divorcing an alcoholic and I would label her as a codependent like myself. It’s a train wreck on so many levels. When I did run into him I asked him how he could be so cruel – he replied I didn’t want to date him. Wtf? I see the pattern in the relationships I choose and know I have to heal myself – how the hell do I do this when my “self” is wanting to stick up for me by shoving proof under her door and calling him out and making a scene? Suggestions please?

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