Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist If You Can’t Go No Contact Part 2

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

In Part One of this series, we investigated many of the energetic truths regarding how to operate in the vicinity of narcissists who we can’t go No Contact with.

And how our goal is to detach, grant them no narcissistic supply and grow up those parts of ourselves that used to get triggered and hooked into their shenanigans; understanding that when we stop granting energy, the narcissist must put their energy onto obtaining narcissistic supply from a much easier source.

In Part Two, my desire is to illustrate some fundamental differences between a) People who are still hooked in through unhealed parts, b) Those who are working with Grey Rock, but are still hooked in through unhealed parts and c) People who are firmly dedicated to working at evolving themselves, and have placed their personal evolution and showing up authentically as their most important life mission.

Ultimately this is what Part Two is all about – the growing up of our insecure, traumatised parts so that we can step into our True Selves and generate True Results in our Life that support us, instead of being a victim and susceptible to the false energy of a narcissist hooked into us and the people we love, through our as yet unhealed parts.

Let’s look at this concept deeper right from the start.

 

Those Who Evolve Themselves In Quantum Ways

To me one of the greatest criteria for people who DO step into the Quantum Way, is getting to a point in our life where we concede – the way I used to do things isn’t working.

And there also seems to be a realisation, usually after losing so much or being threatened with losing a lot, that the things we used to deem important aren’t worth destroying our soul for anymore.

Rather, there is a huge shift toward this belief: The state of my soul and the healing of my broken parts, first and foremost, IS what is important.

However … when hooked up in the fight defending ourselves from a narcissist tearing us to shreds, with the pressure of having to pay bills (often including added legal expenses), keep a roof over our head and put food on the table, this can seem like the LAST place we should be putting our focus on.

When under attack and fighting for survival, we generally don’t do the healing … we try to minimalise the damage, and we expend tons of energy trying to control the obscene conditions in our outside world, and we try to secure safety so that we can feel whole and safe again on the inside.

Yet … that contradicts all the Laws of Creation of the Quantum World … so within, so without.

The Quantum World works like this: As the Infinite Creator of your own Quantum Experience connected to all of The Field, Life is responding to YOU – instead of what you thought …

I am reacting to life.

Therefore, trying to secure safety in order to feel safe can’t work. Conversely, in painful contrast, everything you touch will only generate more of the inner state you are already vibrating at, bringing you the absolute Quantum Evidence of … so within, so without.

 The more we decide to stay focused on the outside and fixated on how hopeless our situation is with a narcissist, and how much we are being victimised and abused, the worse and more entrenched it all gets.

Regardless of how hard we fight to change it.

Yet, things start shifting massively and relief starts to come, when we drop that way and turn inwards instead.

Personally, I know that if I hadn’t had the awakening I received that I talk about in my next Thriver TV episode “They Told Me I Would Never Recover”, I would have gone to my grave as a victim, and it is my greatest heartfelt mission to save people from going where I nearly did.

It’s so important ….

 

Losing it All to Get it All

When we become Quantum Creators we are willing to lose it all to get it all.

Let me explain in point form what this means.

We realise:

  • We cannot stop anyone traumatising and victimising us and having power over us when we try to combat them from a place of inner trauma and victimisation.
  • We have no power to create healthy change and healing for the people we love when we approach their situation from the inner trauma we ourselves feel about them – because from this place we will generate more of the problem.
  • There is NO outside to change, therefore to change “outside” we need to change “inside” first. When we take our focus of trying to fix and change something outside and work on “emotion first” to change our trauma related to it on the inside – then we become a generative source of being “the solution” instead of vibrating at and co-generating more of “the problem.”
  • Rather than things going even more wrong in our life because we have let go and put our focus into ourselves, what we discover is that things start to fall into place and shift in our favour and we start showing up from a less stressed, more centred, more inspired solution generating centre.
  • When we put our own healing, releasing and growing up our unhealed parts and our soul’s health in front of all else – including getting love, approval, security and survival from outside of ourselves – then what we discover is that all areas of our life start to flourish in greater ways than we could ever imagine.
  • We discover that it’s an utter illusion that we need to feel trauma and victimisation in order to feel safe and take action in our life. We realise from that broken centre we hand power over, and taking action from an empowered, solid centre against something we know is not our truth is far more efficient and effective.
  • Quantum self–partnering , “I am going to release all dense energy I feel about certain topics in my life and bring in love and healing to where that was”, means that Lifeforce starts to partner with us effortlessly on the topics where it couldn’t when trauma blocked that innate, organic flow of wellbeing.

 

And one of the greatest keys, and it’s a fundamental key that is NOT selfish, rather it is Quantumly Responsible to Self and then ALL of life …

Is this:

My soul evolution is the ONLY true thing that matters … me being my True Self and showing up in life as this, for myself, life and others.

 And …

In no way is any of this dependent on ANY outcome.

That is when the Quantum Shift happens – in EVERY way.

When you have become an unconditional Source to yourself no longer needing anything to happen to fix the state of your Inner Being, then everything that you want (including peace, health and safety for your loved ones) comes in droves.

And … we also realise, in the Quantum World, that everything is as it should be – no matter what it looks like.

This is why judgement never works. As soon as we judge something we cannot shift it. It remains stuck in our experience to show us that the shift is not ever going to happen on the outside, it has to happen on the inside (releasing judgement and trauma) and then that “thing” out of balance will shift into wellbeing.

I can almost hear you say, “But there are things in our Life that are wrong …”

My belief is no there aren’t.

Everything is always granting a healing evolution opportunity – and there are deeper things going on at soul level concerning a soul’s evolution and karmic payback journey that maybe we don’t understand at surface level.

My journey with Life between Lives showed me many amazing soul truths about that. You can read about that here.

A simple real life example is: Believing a person who is supposed to love us should not speak to us like that.

Or, we can understand that they are reflecting to us how we feel about and speak to ourselves, and it is up to us to heal that, as well as eventually be honest and authentic with this person about what we would like from them, and work on who we are prepared to show up as – to ourselves and others as a truly honest, loving, supportive Being.

And, once doing this, if we realise this person has neither the desire or the resources to meet us at a healthier level … then detaching, letting go and partnering yourself with all the “things” they will not provide you – creating yourself as a template of “more of that” with other unlimited sources of real love in the future.

The first viewpoint is one of a victim – who doesn’t see the bigger picture and growth opportunity and is doomed to keep re-living the pain.

The second is the Quantum Creator who sees “all of it” as an exciting growth inducing expansion into the next highest version of Who They Are.

Is there any greater URGENCY to get this right, than being narcissistically abused?

I don’t think so.

And … Quantum Law is absolute; it is unconditional – it is as consistent and as successful in our Life for a light weight person as a narcissist (aka Terminator).

Yet, would we really get the inner work done regarding someone in our life who was only a light weight?

I believe not …

 

From Stress to Peace

One of the greatest stresses in life, I believe, is trying to deal with a narcissist.

Because all of a sudden the things we used to be able to control in Life are now out of control.

Narcissists don’t play by the rules, don’t uphold agreements and totally do their own thing – which is usually exactly the thing that brings you copious amounts of stress.

It’s so interesting that the stress of a narcissist often ups the ante of other stresses we used to feel and have in our life as adult’s prior to the narcissist – or / and the stresses we lived with as a child.

Both were definitely my situation. Stress was something I was terminally immersed in from a young age, as my parents always stressed about everything … ranging from why the lid on the peanut butter wasn’t done up correctly, to major life decisions. That was my “normal”, so it was no surprise that I used to be a big control freak and stressed out person (even before narcissistic abuse.)

A girlfriend aptly nicknamed me “the Stress Queen,” because I constantly felt anxiety – forever needing to know the next ten steps in front of me in order to try to feel safe (which of course never worked).

I was not surrendered into the Quantum Connection that I now live and experience as my “normal”– which is:

All of Life supports me.

I lived anything but.

Of course this made me ripe for narcissistic abuse, because when we feel like we need to control everything and everyone outside of us, it means we are NOT in control on the inside.

And … we get into relationships with other people who aren’t either and then get totally controlled by them.

In this state, operating in our small finite, limited, dependent, fearful self (which sadly is the way we have been taught to be in normal “human mode”) we place emphasis on “stuff” to try to stop stressing.

This is how it goes … I won’t be safe without a) b) c),I am not worthy of love without a) b) c), I can’t survive without a) b) c), … and this means we are always trying to attach to and control other people and things so that they may give us enough of whatever it is we are not feeling safe about inside of ourselves, in order to finally feel whole.

Narcissists show us how “wrong town” our normal human programming has been. When we find ourselves stuck in the extreme stress with narcissists, and cling on trying to right the wrongs … it is because we have not as yet grown up our Inner Being into the feelings of wholeness, or being able to directly create with the organic wellbeing of Life.

If this is resonating deeply with you as truth, and especially if you are under fire, you may be wondering how is the SAFE way to turn this all around.

Here is the clincher: there isn’t.

Everything inside you, imagining relinquishing your focus on the outside and turning inwards, is going to scream in terror with the fear of “letting go” and surrendering.

Your ego (defence mechanisms) will try to convince you this is giving up and you will be undefended and annihilated.

Yet, I promise you this – surrendering and turning inwards is NOT about giving up, it is about giving over and letting a Higher Force (whatever that means to you – such as your Higher Infinite Self) to step in and take over for you.

That is the Quantum Way, and then we discover what REALLY controls and flourishes and nourishes us. It never was our small, limited, fearful, dependent selves.

I nearly had to die to surrender – so please know I get it how scary it seems. I was stubborn, and I know (honestly) I probably never would have, unless I was brought to my knees with nowhere else to go.

Thank god my soul orchestrated the events where I did get to that juncture.

And the truth was, from that point onwards, I was ready to fully commit to my soul to the exclusion of all else … because everything else was gone.

We are all meant to get there – soul devotion – that I have NO doubt about, and the question in your Life dealing with narcissistic abuse is this:

How hard do you need to be pummelled till you put your soul’s health in front of everything – even your children?

And …

Do you understand that putting your Soul first is the only way to honour everything and everyone in the Highest Way (because it is all One)?

Please know the greatest way we EVER serve our children is when we are dedicated to our own Soul Health, releasing our trauma and being a Force who is solid and authentic.

The process to do this is simple (as Soul Truth is) … and it is this: Go inwards to what hurts and release that trauma and replace it with wellbeing.

 Be-come the change you seek.

Truly – I could have written those 19 words instead of the 1800 I already have – but I know that the simple Soul Truth can seem too simple to grasp …

Until we start doing it.

 

How This Relates to Narcissists

So how does all this relate to being in contact with a narcissist?

It’s simple, you stop believing a False Self (narcissist) is your Source, and meet the terrors blocking you from being your own Source and grow those parts of yourself up.

Those parts that previously (and often deeply unconsciously) believed love, approval, security and survival as an adult needed to be provided for you.

Then you stop handing over power … tiptoeing around trying to keep on an abuser’s “good side” to get what you want for them, or roaring back to try to make them “get it”.

Then, you let go of the, “but they should be held accountable!” (meaning – they should have granted me what I am not as yet healed enough to grant myself orb they have granted me the EAXCT triggers I need to release and heal from inside myself) and take the gift of the incredible personal evolution opportunity that the narcissist brought to your attention – and get to work on it.

And when they cease to exist to you – even if co-parenting – is when you and your children (if applicable) will flourish and thrive the most.

And … it is also when the things that you now no longer NEED to get to feel whole (you just do anyway) will come to you in abundance through the unlimited, infinite permutations that Life grants you – when you Go Quantum.

Now let’s look at some examples of the three ways we can deal with a narcissist – ranging from the most unconscious to the most conscious.

 

In the Workplace

Scenario: You are smeared by a narcissist to your boss. She has lied to try to get you demoted so that she can take over your position.

Example 1) The person who has not done any work yet on their inner wounds

The young childhood wounds of “I am persecuted”, “Authorities smash me”, “I am bullied and have no power”, and “I need these people to survive”, are heavily triggered.

You feel terror.

You feel white hot panic when you hear of the accusations.

You feel small, unsafe and start frantically trying to explain and justify how this was not true – you did not do these things.

You either hide out from and totally avoid, or blow up at the narcissist.

She now has more ammunition against you, because you are deemed as “not showing up as a teammate” or “attacking” – and she has enlisted other people, who have seen your behaviour, against you as well.

Result: You are demoted and lose your role to the narcissist.

Example 2) The person who is working with Grey Rock, yet has not done the work on their unhealed wounds

You are triggered, you feel the intense fear of the young unhealed wounds, “I am persecuted”, “Authorities smash me”, “I am bullied and have no power”, and “I need these people to survive”, and it takes all that you can do to keep calm, but you remember not to grant the narcissist anything.

So, you don’t react to the narcissist, you stay calm with her, and you explain your situation as factually as possible to your boss.

There is not enough proof either way … and your boss states that the accusations are serious, and as such you will require monitoring, even though there is not enough evidence to demote you.

Result: Even though you feel some relief that you didn’t lose your job, you feel the injustice of being watched, and you know the narcissist is gloating. You are also very fearful that the narcissist will try something again soon. You are obsessing and watching over your shoulder, and terrified about losing your job if the narcissist succeeds.

Example 3: The person aligning with Quantum Power

You are triggered, you feel the fear of some young unhealed wounds, because even though you have already done a lot of inner work on yourself, you realise that every trigger is showing you more unhealed parts to be resurrected back to wholeness. You immediately know THAT is where you need to go to do the work – on the inside (Emotion First) – before acting.

So the night after receiving news of the accusations, you do NARP inner work and find the wounds, “I am bullied and have no power” and “I need these people to survive” and you release and replace these traumas with healing, until you feel total solid inner peace and calm.

You know deeply within that tomorrow you will know what to do.

The next morning you show up to work as normal, make a cup of coffee and fearlessly, whilst in your heart space lovingly, knock on the door of the boss’s office.

You explain that the accusations are not true, but realise an investigation may need to take place and you state your truth, “I respect that whatever you decide is your decision, and I know my own level of integrity and commitment. I will only work under conditions where that is also respected and known.”

And you mean it. You feel fine about it. This is no act. It is a solid, authentic, inner truth.

You believe that what unfolds is for your Highest Purpose and Truth – no matter what presents –  and if you were not to be believed and demoted, so be it, you’d leave because that is not the truth of your life … and a door of something much more aligned with your truth would present.

You are willing to lose it all to live as Truth.

 And (boy is this SO important!!) you have no attachment to the outcome – you know whatever it is, it is in the hands of the Infinite Source that knows the best for you, that you could NOT possibly know … and ALL you ever have to do is keep releasing fear and showing up authentically … NO matter what it is!

(Please KNOW this can’t be faked – you have to be genuinely aligned with it …)

THAT IS TRUE POWER! (excuse the capitals – I just don’t think I have ever expressed it that clearly before!)

Result: The boss is warm and receptive to you, and states he will look into it but don’t be concerned. Someone else in the office inadvertently, out of the blue, comes forward and exposes the narcissist – the narcissist had confided in them what they were planning.

The narcissistic is demoted.

It’s Quantum Law.

 

Whilst Co-Parenting

Scenario: Your ex-partner is treating your children terribly as well as smearing you to them.

Example 1) The person who has not done any work yet on their inner wounds

The young childhood wounds of, “The people I love hurt me”, “I am the one blamed for all the problems”, “I can’t protect and fix the people I love”, “Everything is my fault”, “People don’t believe in me, listen to me or respect me”, “Other people overpower me”, and “The people I love turn against me”, are significantly triggered.

You react, you get onto child services. You cry and rage, you call friends and family – you react and send emails to the narcissist. You try to tell the kids how credible you are and what a liar the narcissist is.

Result: The abuse and smearing escalates and your solicitor and the authorities don’t have any answers for you and you discover can’t take any action against the narcissist. Your children are turning away from you, believing the narcissist, and now the narcissist is putting forth a case that you are attempting child-alienation against him.

It’s all a terrible mess, you feel more and more traumatised and hooked into fighting back with the narcissist’s abusive replies, and now you have to defend yourself in court and the children are getting caught in the middle of this war.

Example 2) The person who is working with Grey Rock who has not done the work on their unhealed wounds

The young childhood wounds of, “The people I love hurt me”, “I am the one blamed for all the problems”, “I can’t protect and fix the people I love”, “Everything is my fault”, “People don’t believe in me, listen to me or respect me”, “Other people overpower me”, and “The people I love turn against me”, are significantly triggered.

You don’t make any contact with the narcissist, instead you contact child services and also have serious discussions with your children, trying to help them in the face of the abuse and to get them to see the truth about you and the narcissist.

Result: the abuse and the trauma continues, you are having very limited success with your solicitor and authorities and your children are still being abusive towards you.

Example 3: The person aligning with Quantum Power

You are triggered, you feel the fear of some young unhealed wounds, because even though you have already done a lot of inner work on yourself, you realise that every trigger is showing you more unhealed parts to be resurrected back to wholeness.

You immediately know that your Inner Being (Emotion First) is where you need to go to do the work – before acting.

So when you receive the evidence from the children about how the narcissist was verbally abusive and smacked them, and the stories that the narcissist told them about you – you feel the triggers within and know that you need to heal them.

That night when the children are in bed, you give up your TV show and do NARP inner work instead.

What you find is the trauma of the beliefs such as: “People don’t believe in me, listen to me or respect me” and “The people I love turn against me” and you work it through with NARP Modules until there is no emotional charge left on it.

You then work with the Goal Setting Module – to set up the goal – “My children are safe and coming into their own power, truth and inner wisdom”, and you release all the fear you feel about what the narcissist is doing to them, and how they have been speaking to you.

Then, after shifting that trauma out of your Inner Being and replacing it with Love and Healing (The Quanta Freedom Healing process), what comes is an incredible inner peace.

As well as Quantum Wisdom. You cellularly know that at some level of your children’s souls they are doing an evolution journey for their own development, and you can let go and be aligned with “they are protected”, knowing that if there is an action you can or need to take you will receive the guidance and inspiration to do so.

Which is in stark contrast to what you would have done before shifting – which was act from a position of inner trauma which would only ever generate more of the same.

You know now that you and the children will become the solution instead of adding to the problem, and you know that the MOST important element in ALL of this is: for you to be the most whole, safe and healthiest parent possible … in order to lead the way for them.

You also know that there is nothing you need to prove to the children about “who you are” you just need to BE “who you are”, and not try to earn their love, over-compensate, justify yourself or fight back.

Rather, simply parent from a position of love and healthy boundaries, having cleared your Inner Being of the early traumas you are carrying which are being reflected back to you via your children – so that this energy MUST shift in your experience.

When you are no longer “being” it – it can’t “come”. Because you have be-come someone other than Who you were Being.

Yet, have no attachment to them stopping smearing you – just free yourself of trauma and make it your mission to become your authentic self.

Result: Your children’s conversations about abuse and the smear campaigns against you dissolve away. You keep up-levelling any triggers you feel from the narcissist whilst co-parenting, and you have no need for the narcissist to be anything in particular or provide anything – what comes is simply a bonus. You are building your own life for you and your children, and as they get older they gravitate more and more toward you. Your children start to be-come as empowered as you.

Piece by piece this result is inevitable – it’s Quantum Law.

Many, many people in this two-part series wanted to know about how to handle co-parenting and how to protect their children from a narcissist, and I hope what I just wrote has helped a lot.

Because I am so passionate about this topic, and because as far as I am concerned there is no greater need, than when our children are involved, to align with Quantum Law … I think it is very important to expand on this topic.

It stands to reason that many narcissists will use your children as pawns against you – because this is where they can affect you the most.

As loving mothers and fathers, naturally we are going to be triggered and enraged when our innocent helpless children are being abused.

Yet … time and time again contemporary channels are not delivering solutions. Often it is only physical or sexual abuse (if proven) that constitutes abuse and the ability to take any real action.

I know of cases where parents who have been diagnosed with multiple personality disorders through the court systems, were still awarded 50% custody, outrageously deeming the child is better of with them in their life than not.

How many of us out there trying to battle a narcissist through the system stood no chance to stop them doing what they were doing?

So many …

However, what I have seen consistently happen throughout this Community, is that the non-narcissistic parent who releases and reprograms their inner trauma, to the point where it no longer exists, starts having breakthroughs with the system which are unprecedented.

Such as full parenting rights and custody awards, healthy property settlements, and the list goes on and on.

The consistency of this is too regular to be a coincidence – the Truth is, it isn’t.

It all gets back to Quantum Law – so within, so without.

And I know what I am suggesting is hugely counter-intuitive, and it may seem “glib” and even “irresponsible” and as if our children’s welfare is NOT important – because what I am saying is STOP trying to fight back with what is happening with the children and turn inwards instead.

Far from being “irresponsible” about what is happening to our children at the hands of narcissists, I am passionately committed to helping us save our children from trauma – as well as their future generations so that these cycles of abuse / abused can finish – by dealing with this at the true level that works.

And this is so necessary, because in the case of narcissists – there are countless people everywhere stuck in this struggle who are the MOST diligent and loving of parents trying to do everything they can to protect their children … to no avail.

Some of my closest friends have been in this position, until they shifted.

Meaning go inside, release the trauma we feel about this situation and become an inner platform of peace, trusting Life will unfold in the ways that will support our children, and literally knowing they are safe, protected and coming into their own wisdom and power.

BEFORE any physical evidence of this presents.

Be it and it will come. (Be-come is the total formula for Creation).

Then things start to happen … our children get calmer (where our energy goes in regard to them theirs does too) … and within the experience we are having as Life (in our Quantum Reality) things start to shift to match our inner composition state on these topics.

Then the narcissist loses power in the situation. He or she is just not a Quantum Match anymore.

I’d like to share with you a little about my own son, Zac, and his journey … which can hopefully help those of you worried about your children and the damage they are suffering, and their futures.

I carried incredible guilt about my son, regarding how damaged, broken and unavailable I was to him, and how ultimately he ended up being a severely disordered teen with life-threatening drug and alcohol addictions.

Many people would have thought the damage was done, because of his formative years (when I had been alcoholic, even before the narc abuse marriage) … yet when I understood Quantum Law I realised deeply that holding onto that guilt and the trauma I felt regarding him was not serving him in any shape or form.

I knew there was only one way I could help him … (and truly everything else I tried didn’t) and that was to go to all the triggers regarding him and what had happened and release that trauma … so that love and healing could fill the space where that trauma had been.

When I did that, I shifted into the organic knowing that at soul level nothing had been “wrong” … every soul, including Zac’s, had chosen a specific journey in alignment with that soul’s evolution into more wholeness – just as my own had.

I promise you, after my intense shifting into “wholeness” regarding Zac, it only took three weeks before my son be-came, what I had already be-come in regard to him – the knowing of him coming home to himself. 

My son and I, today, have the most incredible relationship and he is an exemplary human being – wise, gentle, solid and incredible – and so much of that is because of the journey we went on, and the one I was not there for him on as well.

It is all meant to be … yet when we heal ourselves on this, the “painful lessons” can be over and the love can begin.

And I promise you this – where our energy goes is where our children’s energy follows.

I soooo hope this helps.

There is another suggestion I want to share with you – if co-parenting – which is Our Family Wizard.

This creates a third party accountable platform for communication regarding your children, and it is a very healthy way to go when co-parenting with a narcissist.

 

If You Are Dealing With Family Members

There really are three choices with family members.

1. Don’t work on ourselves or create boundaries and remain traumatised and dependent (hooked into the abuse).

2. Grow up our unhealed parts, and any hooks of guilt or responsibility (Module 6 in the NARP Program is especially powerful for this), whereby we become a Source to ourselves of love, approval, security and survival and no longer need this family member to provide anything – therefore being able to have limited contact and draw firm healthy boundaries … (such as hang up or leave the vicinity if abuse starts with no guilt or explanation to anyone or fear of family rebuke.)

3. Go No Contact with this person because we cannot have Soul health in their presence, and do the Inner Work to heal and recover – including releasing and healing any guilt or fear of the family repercussions, narcissist’s smear campaigns etc.

I promise you that if you work on your Inner Being – so within, so without – the fallout will be minimal or non-existent.

If you don’t work on your Inner Being the fallout is likely to be crippling.

(These are the stark contrasts of the people in this Community who do the inner work and those who don’t.)

Here are some added resources of mine to help you if dealing with family members, or narcissistic parents.

What If The Narcissist Is A Family Member?

Q&A How To Handle An Elderly Narcissist

Questions From the Community

One lady wrote in:

“A pretty constant stream of verbal abuse including belittling left my confidence severely rocked. It’s hard to implement and maintain boundaries when in such a severely depleted state. In fact, I had no sense of what a proper boundary was. I couldn’t make a decision for fear of getting it wrong. So, I’d love to know more about protecting and valuing ourselves while still living with, working with or co-parenting etc. with an N.”

My answer: Our being rocked, thrown off balance and not knowing how to lay a healthy boundary – which in all honesty is “I grant you no energy or attention when you are obscene, and I will relate to you if and when you act decently toward me” … is all because there are unhealed inner parts within us from childhood which are being severely triggered and causing us to regress to a powerless, insecure state.

These are some really important questions that can lead you inwards to where you can heal and move up and out of this predicament.

Who treated you critically and painfully when you were a child, and in what ways has that left you wounded?

How has this meant that you were not able to grow up with a solid Inner Identity that required no approval from the outside to know your worth?

Those are the inner traumas that Quanta Freedom Healing finds and releases, so that those wounded young parts can heal into being a solid healthy adult.

Once that work is done, then you will not be triggered. That is when you will look at the narcissist with no emotional part affected and have no need to justify, argue, jump to attention or do anything other than detach. Because your Inner Identity will no longer be a wounded match for what he is dishing out at you.

This is all relating to unhealed childhood wounds so that you can evolve yourself – truly… and not just with the narcissist, but in all areas of your Life where these young wounds were holding you back.

I hope this grants you hope.

A beautiful lady I know, in the Community, wrote for assistance on this topic: “Constant violations of our divorce decree as means to control me and sabotage my life. Refusal to communicate about children and putting their best interest first. It’s very frustrating.”

My answer: The keys, as to what to work on, are right there. Release the belief, “He is doing this as a means to control me and sabotage my life” until it just don’t exist … because if not – so within, so without – which will continue as an absolute truth in your life.

And let go of the disappointment and frustration of the “refusal to communicate with our children and put their best interests first.”

Remember one of the golden keys – become YOUR own source to you and the people you love – and let go of ANY expectation of the narcissist being anything at all.

 Otherwise it is going to hook you and damage you and your children.

No matter what he is or isn’t doing – there is a world-wide of possibilities of love and abundance and flow that are NOT the narcissist.

He is NOT your Source – YOU as a direct connection with Life are.

Align with that and see the prosperity and wholeness come in – it is Quantum Law.

I hope those replies have helped so many situations that this two-part series could be applied to.

 

What Can You Do Now?

The bottom line when we are up-levelling anything in our Life that doesn’t serve us – including having to deal with a narcissist – with Quantum Law, is this:

We listen to our emotions and we go inwards to, “What hurts”.

No matter what it is.

 Such as:

  • I can’t make this person be accountable
  • he / she said that and it hurt
  • my children were treated like this
  • I don’t know if I can get a settlement with this person
  • I have a custody battle on my hands

Literally … WHATEVER it is, the healing premise is identical.

Simply go to “what hurts” in your body, release the trauma and bring in love and healing to replace it.

Then YOU shift – then the EXPERIENCE must shift, because …

So within, so without.

 

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program was created to show you step-by-step how to achieve this in the most effective way possible. So if you relate to what I’ve said in this two part series and you are ready to address your wounding and up-level into your True state I’d love you to join us.

You can learn all about the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and the results it has achieved for thousands of people all around the world here.

I sooo hope Part Two has helped you, and that I have covered off enough angles for the people who required specific suggestions, and I look forward to answering your questions and comments below!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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26 Thoughts on How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist If You Can’t Go No Contact Part 2
  • simonelanger@boehning.net'
    Simone Langer
    March 10, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    it is amazing how much you know about naricissm. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us.
    I read all of your articles and everything now really makes sense to me.

    I have been working with module one for a couple of weeks now. I have huge difficulty connecting with my emotions, because the narcissistic abuse took place in my childhood. So I do the modules hoping that they will do something with me. Hoping they will have an effect on me, they will change the way I see the world.
    In your articles you mentioned that people can have problems at their workplace as well. A couple of weeks ago I told my (female) boss NO for the first time in my life. I set healthy boundaries for the first time in my life! At first I was really proud of myself, because I saw that it is possible. What happened then was, she seemed to be mad at me. She did not greet me. She did not talk to me. She was not friendly to me. She tries to show me that SHE is the boss and that she is the one who makes the decissions. It is a terrible atmosphere for me an I have severe stomach cramps. So what is the problem here???
    Does her inner child feel disrespected and therefore has to act the way she does? Or are my inner believe systems telling me, you should not have said NO to her. She does not like you anymore. You always have to say YES in order to be loved and accepted. And so on. This is really crippling. It seems like that everybody gets triggered by certain persons or actions. But that is HER problem. How can I dealwith the situation? Do I just have to endure it? I think it is important for everybody to know that your environment does not always react positively to your change (which is actually very positive for yourself!!!!)

    Thank you very much for your answer.

    Love, Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      Simone are you in the NARP Forum? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because there we can help you with how to connect if you are having difficulties – and please also know the Modules work for any abuser you are focusing on … so you can have the intention “this is about this in my childhood” and then where the trauma is stored will “light up” in your body and you can connect to that.

      Other than this suggestion, there is a lot of continued guidance we can help you with in the Forum …

      Simone regrading your boss that is wonderful that you have already shifted enough to show up in a way where you said “No” …now the next step of this journey is to go inside and shift “what” she is triggering within you now – and rather than try to cognitively work it out – simply do that and the next step with shift into place for you.

      That is the journey – truly as a Thriver. We let go of trying to work out what to do .. and instead we just continue shifting inside of us.

      What has happened is perfect – it is not a step backwards – it is a step forwards … because life is always happening “for” us and not “to” us.

      You now have the golden opportunity to clear another trauma from your Inner being that she is triggering.

      Don’t turn back – keep going. She is helping you heal so that you can become your True Self.

      Mel xo

  • miba@mail.be'
    Miba
    March 10, 2017

    By far my favourite article.

    This is shocking: I know of cases where parents who have been diagnosed with multiple personality disorders through the court systems, were still awarded 50% custody, outrageously deeming the child is better of with them in their life than not.

    Great examples. Clearly outlined. If I got to pick one article to help illustrate to someone how Quantum Law works, it would be this article.

    Thanks for the boost! Great stuff! How beautifully channeled.

    Keep it up!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Miba,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article 🙂

      Thanks for your gorgeous words Dear One.

      Mel xo

  • irishfairyring@gmail.com'
    Julie Hurley Poole
    March 10, 2017

    I went through a terrible divorce with a (diagnosed)npd sociopath-I spent over 80,000 dollars for legal counsel which I now know was spent because the lawyers i attracted took advantage of the situation,my oldest son went over a cliff at age 14 when we were forced out of the house and the guardian adlituem told him that all of his memories were false and planted by me-I/ was reacting so much from my own wounds and the fact no one was listening to me that I only gained primary custody because of the forensic psychologist,was economically abused through the settlement and subsequent court actions to try to have the court order followed and one part changed because it did not follow federal law-the kids were put into an healthy situation visiting their father who was continuing to abuse our son-I had tried to get him placements,but every placement was blown up by his father-I won’t go on and on but there you have it-then I ended up with another NPD whom I broke up with about one month ago.I finally get it and am working on my own inner wounds.However,the two depleted my resources,I had to declare bankruptcy because of my oldest sons medical bills.I have been sitting here wishing and wishing that I had been the way I am now so that I would not have been depleted financially as well as emotionally and that the kids would not have been put through so much…Help!

  • cindylouvallet@gmail.com'
    cindy
    March 10, 2017

    Wow what a journey reading this article as well as the ones about family member narc abuse!

    I have protected my mother and excused her for nasty behaviour up untill very recently. It has dawned on me how insidiously manipulated I have been by her all along. There is much grief as well as relief with uncovering this truth.

    Reading one of the case studies of narc mother daughter spurred a somatic memory of cruel neglect which was surfacing in my paintings when I was 18 yo which I shall promptly clear with one of the narc modules.

    I promptly squashed the surfacing trauma of various kinds of childhood abuse I was experiencing with alcohol and partying. The burying of my past trauma has lasted up untill about 6 months ago when I gave away my addictions.

    I am very glad to have found your program and ongoing vids and blogs Melonie. Yes lets break the cycle of abuse for ourselves and for future generations!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      I am so pleased you are on the path of your Inner Being healing.

      And I love that you are a part of the solution, breaking this cycle Cindy 🙂

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • jhsbell1@gmail.com'
    Judy
    March 10, 2017

    sooooo helpful. You’ve given me lots of incites . I see my victimization/being bullied in a new light. Definitely takes me to out of control childhood where I depended on people who couldn’t help or control the way we lived. A three yr old who on many levels was abandoned/neglected or expected to quit being “a spoiled brat” for wanting what I thought would bring wholeness or sanity or love even. My emotionally stunted sister has continued to b this parent who can’t control herself much less anything else. I can let go any expectation that she can/will . I can let go my guilt of not being able to help her now or in the future if she continues down the path she’s heading. I can let go any feelings she has about me . This is all a game changer!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Judy,

      I am so pleased this was helpful, and you are seeing the connection and the solution clearly now.

      Mel xo

  • saurabhpatna.ss@gmail.com'
    Saurabh
    March 11, 2017

    Thanks for such a wonderful article. I always wanted an article about children. My wife has alienated my daughter from me. But Melanie you have made me a thriver. I am confident that me and my daughter will be thrivers. In goal setting module I see her that she is growing as confident, happy and emotionally healthy girl. I am also understanding that like me she has also chosen a narcissist in her life and it will surely help her heal herself. Now I am becoming confident that there is a bigger picture and better purpose in all this. I thank from the bottom of my heart Melanie. You are God to me. You are an angel in reality for me. God bless you Melanie. You have given a new life to me. Emotions first my soul first. I love my triggers, I bless and love my inner child and love myself and do modules for two hours everyday after coming from work. I am a professor in computer science. Thanks Melanie for giving life, motivation and encouragement to me and so many people.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Saurabh,

      You are so welcome!

      I love that you have now become your Creator for you …

      I feel the love and healing within you – as I am sure your Little girl does, within her soul too.

      Bless you Dear Man for Thriving 🙂

      Mel xo

  • darcylynnb@hotmail.com'
    Darcy
    March 11, 2017

    Excellent article and the sample scenarios were extremely beneficial in illustrating the points you were making. And the focus on children was so encouraging because I think this can also apply to family members like an aunt who is close to a niece who is experiencing an abusive parental relationship (the aunt can do the modules to help the niece). I feel that I truly understand Quantum Healing now whereas before, I had a pretty good understanding. Thank you so much for this and for emphasizing repeatedly that going within is always the first place to go in order for anything on the outside to shift.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2017

      Hi Darcy,

      yes absolutely that focus does apply to anyone we wish to help energetically.

      I love that the understanding has clicked into place for you …

      That changes everything. Be-coming that change.

      Mel xo

  • wendyjcreate@gmail.com'
    Wendy J
    March 11, 2017

    Thank you.

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Meg
    March 11, 2017

    The work example is identical to what I have just experienced. This is truly uncanny. I can see myself turning a corner and being able to thank those people for allowing me to confront my fears and calmly state what is actually happening without needing a specific result. I can feel the positive connection within this community and I appreciate every bit of energy that we all share throughout this unfolding.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2017

      Hi Meg,

      that is so interesting!

      Fabulous you are aligning into your power 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Upsidedowndevi@gmail.com'
    Devon
    March 12, 2017

    Another game changer thank you Mel! Really timely. I’ve just been ‘annihilated’ in court and after ‘losing it all’, I thought I’d be on the path the thriving BUT the I healed parts in me said…. ‘not yet sweetheart’. After reading this article I’ve created myself a twenty-one day journey to Uplevel all the parts of me that do not believe that my child is safe. It’s easy to dedicate time now that my plate is completely clear. Thank you 🙂

    • Upsidedowndevi@gmail.com'
      Devon
      March 12, 2017

      *’unhealed’ not ‘I healed’!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2017

      Hi Devon,

      you are so welcome!

      How fabulous your are going to dig deep and take yourself to another Level.

      Love it! Your efforts will pay off magnificently.

      Mel xo

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    March 13, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Just wanting to express my heartfelt gratitude for all the love and wisdom you pour into this community. You have truly shifted how I see my triggers and truly shed light on the mind/body/spirit connection. I’ve read many self help books and no one’s explained this connection quite like you have. I really GET IT now. Thank you for introducing me to this way of thinking and being. My life will never be the same, thank God! May the love and devotion you pour into this community be returned to you 1000-fold. Amen!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2017

      Hi Resilient,

      you are so welcome … I feel so blessed with being able to have my job!

      I am so glad my information is helping you clarify Quantum Truths.

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • Mking3536@gmail.com'
    Mary
    March 16, 2017

    I am haveing a hard time connecting with people now, so scared I will get involved with a nother narc.

  • glwright7@aol.com'
    Grace
    March 19, 2017

    I understand what he did, I see him and I see Mr. Hyde, I no longer see Dr. Jekyll. I saw he tries to be charming and funny and I see what he trying to do; and I remember what he did. That was the last time I went to the gym class about 2 months ago. I just don’t understand how I could feel him all around me for the last year. I used to think he tracked my phone because I could swear he knew where I was, like he knew what I was thinking. When I wanted to talk to him he would make himself unavailable, out of the office or surrounded himself with people. I once saw him in my house, He went into one room from the hallway. I went in there and there was nothing. I said ” Go away, do not come back”. I asked my girlfriend if they are demonic. She said yes. Then I went to a class where they spoke of C-PTSD. I think I might have had that and that he was a delusion. I see him as he is now, I just have issues with my two close friends which he smeared me and they turned against me. I did tell them 2 weeks ago in a text, I tried to make amends, clear the air more than twice, but since they didn’t want to, I told them I can wash my hands of them. I did my part to make peace, so I am good. I did the same with the Narc last Xmas, I told him I tried to make amends at Xmas, but twice you walked away, so I’m good I can walk away now. I feel such a difference since then. I no longer feel him, and I am so much happier when I don’t see him. I spent last year, looking for things to do that had nothing to do with them. I have new instructors, music lessons, I volunteer. I still think of him so I need to heal and heal from the two girls. I think I am angry, I did tell him in a xmas card. “I know what happened, I didn’t do anything wrong, I know the part you played, the two girls played and what Mr Hyde did. I have risen from the ashes and standing on my feet and am so busy I can’t keep up.” Since then I don’t feel him around me. I would say more than 50 of the time I am happy, better than last year which was 5%. I also know I am amazing and more amazing than ever now. I feel I have this new confidence. Tell me are they demonic? I saw him at the gym a couple of days after Xmas, he smiled at me. What does that mean? If he thinks he can get his way, becoming resilient is my mission in life. He stays away from me, just as well, and I do the same. I go to the gym on the nights he is not there. So I rarely rarely see him this year.

  • dmw84@aol.com'
    Dawn
    April 9, 2017

    How am I supposed to have no contact with the Narcissist when I work with him? I confronted him a week ago about seeing a much younger woman where we work. He denied that “she” would be interested in him due to the huge age difference (over 30 years). I told him how hurt I was and he apologized. I heard from a coworker since I had confronted him that he was seen in a restaurant with this younger woman. I am devastated, my heart is scattered. I wish I could become numb and forget I ever met this man. I want to confront him about what I recently heard. I doubt it would matter. I am at lost what to do next. I am struggling financial and drowning in debt. I just can’t concentrate on what I should be doing because of him.

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