Melanie Tonia Evans

Parallel Parenting – The Evolutionary Way To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
105
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you are currently co-parenting with a narcissist, my heart goes out to you.

I read countless stories every day from people in this community who are experiencing the daily frustrations, twist and turns, insanity and gut-wrenching nastiness that goes with trying to co-parent with a narcissist.

You may constantly be worried about how your children are being treated, including if the narcissist is poisoning them against you, or WORSE … if they are turning your child into a narcissist.

And it can be beyond horrible for your children caught in the middle, seeing your distress and pain and witnessing the conflicts between their parents.

Up until now, the term co-parenting is what we understand to be the role we take with a narcissist once separated.

However, the word ‘co’ would almost suggest being a team or working together with the mutual goal of caretaking our children, such as being able to collaborate healthily for the good of the child.

Yet we all know this is NOT possible in narcissistic co-parenting situations.

This is why I believe we need a paradigm shift in the co-parenting community. We need a NEW way where you can take your children out of the conflicts between you and the narcissist, and also remove yourself from the trauma of trying to deal with someone who just won’t cooperate – so that you can be as healthy as possible for your children.

This can be done by adopting – Parallel Parenting.

This is a powerful, revolutionary way to have strict boundaries and even hold the narcissist accountable for their narcissistic behaviour.

Parallel parenting is about have joint custody with your children in a way that works, as effectively as possible, given the difficult circumstances.

In this very important Thriver TV episode, I explain WHAT Parallel Parenting is, how it can be done, the ways and moves you can make to enforce effective, accountable third-party communication channels … and the BENEFITS of parenting in this way.

Within this episode, I share with you my knowledge and observations of co-parenting with narcissists, which I have learned over the last 10 years, as well as a dear friend’s invaluable information, regarding his incredible knowledge and experience whilst parallel parenting with a high-level narcissistic.

I SO hope, with ALL that I am, that this episode will help you if you have been struggling with this …. and I look forward to continuing this VITAL conversation by answering your questions and comments.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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105 Thoughts on Parallel Parenting – The Evolutionary Way To Co-Parent With A Narcissist
  • doggedcollector@gmail.com'
    Nancy
    March 2, 2018

    Your cat adds nothing and makes you appear kooky

    • jaybarn2@gmail.com'
      jayne
      March 2, 2018

      Very good to hear ways to combat all the negitive b/s of the narcisist I am only sorry that both my sons are now narcissist because I didn’t have this information when I was younger. Now I am paying the price and they are stopping me from seeing my grandkids!

    • htoone04@gmail.com'
      Heather
      March 2, 2018

      I love your cat and think you are amazing!

    • Jjfmoore@apl.com'
      Janice Rogers
      March 2, 2018

      What? Cat? Kooky ?

      • Jjfmoore@apl.com'
        Janice Rogers
        March 2, 2018

        Missed that was too busy listening to your advice my ex is the spawn of Satan

    • gfdvdyts@hotmail.com'
      Monica Mayer
      March 3, 2018

      You are kooky if you thinks that one singular cat doing nothing special in the vid. makes someone look Kooky. Other signs of Kookyness are absolutely no relevant or constructive feedback about the rest of the vid. except an unfortunate comment about a cat.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      Julia
      March 7, 2018

      I like the cat.

  • arisvaag@yahoo.no'
    Ann Kristin Risvaag
    March 2, 2018

    Thank you, Melanie for this video. I am watching this two in the morning in Norway, because of my lack of sleep over a case my narcissistic ex has pulled with me. This was perfekt timing. And I wonder, the family wizard, is it working regardless of witch country you live in? Does it translate or do we have to use it in english?

    Just became an narp member and are planning to get startet on the modules next week when there are more time for me to go it to it. I really love your work and the fact that you use Joe Dizpensas and Bruce Litptons research, is all I need to know that I have found the right place.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Ann,

      you are very welcome.

      Ann, I really don’t know about other languages, and there may be parenting communication packages in your language if necessary – you may need to check on that!

      That is so great you are starting NARP – being into the Quantum Healing that you are already learning – you will love this! It makes it possible 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kimpossible3x3@gmail.com'
    Kim
    March 2, 2018

    This is very important advice. I will say, though, that there are places (like where I live) where it is extremely difficult to get a domestic violence injunction, especially in the course of a divorce. Many judges assume, regardless of the demeanor of the protective parent, that they are making false allegations in order to use the children as pawns or gain more support (which is one reason why parenting time and support should be considered separately, IMO). This is especially true with women. I tried to obtain an injunction against my estranged husband after he showed up repeatedly, the first time in the middle of the night, without his car, claiming he was carrying a fully loaded gun, and stating that he could take our younger son any time he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. He was here about 4 times in 3 days. I went to court with 6 witnesses, including 2 police officers. He had no one. He claimed NOT to have a gun, said he was here to check on his lawn, and without even allowing me to cross-examine him, the judge dismissed the case – said it was his property (the divorce is pending, and the home is in both of our names), and he had a right to be there, in spite of the fact that there was already a dependency order in place restricting his contact with one of our children. Now he is using this against me in family court, claiming that I have filed false/frivilous actions against him. So while it SHOULD be a useful, protective thing, people also need to be aware that a lot depends on the “climate” where you live.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      I agree that is so true – yet I what I have found is that even Thrivers living in terrible court situations (traditionally) such as South Africa, have been able to get great results when they are solid and calm on the inside.

      This seems to be so key to what unfolds.

      My heart goes out to you Kim and this community is praying for your breakthrough for you and your children.

      Mel xo

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie Wedel
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Kim,
      my heart goes out to you. Perhaps you are delving into NARP – it works for me.
      I separated in 2012 and divorced in 2014, and through about 2015 was terrorized. Much of this was my own trauma repeatedly being triggered, but a chunk was the x who was rather dangerous. I discovered Mel’s NARP and started working it. The really cool thing was that I achieved all sorts of healing and protective actions for my kids that my state would normally never grant. At key moments the x unraveled in front of officials, which tilted the situation into keeping the kids safe. I started NARP in 2014, and credit that healing work with helping to craft a good legal agreement. Then in 2015 helping to retain that agreement in court when the x tried to overturn it. I hope NARP might bring good and safety into you and your children’s lives as well.
      Blessings on your journey –
      Valerie

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 2, 2018

    Thank you sooooo much for this video! I have been parallel parenting almost identical to your video. My narc made a recommendation to both attorneys and our mediator regarding more parenting time. He had charts and proof of how children who spend more time with one parent and not the other grow up to be insecure and so forth. I get the boys every day after school even on his nights. He requested in mediation that now he wants to change it. He wants them to take a bus to his house. I couldn’t imagine not seeing my children after school each day. I love it and so do they! I have always done this. He has been traveling mon -Friday for years. My only mistake is that I made is I sent an article regarding npd disorder and divorce. to both attorneys and my mediator and him. I only addressed his because I responded to an email that he attached everyone to but I now understand that It was not the right thing to do but it’s done. I did it this morning but nowi just read your email. Please send me some advice. My attorney does not want me to continue mediation anymore. I have the kids 22 days a month and he has them 8. He is furious and he’s fighting me for 50:50 custody which to me is ludicrous. I have always been the stay at home mum. Advice please?? Court is on June….

    Hugs
    Andrea

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      stay firm in what you want and put forth your best and calm case for your children. Often mediation with narcissists simply does not work.

      The most powerful thing you can do is release your fears – so within so without.

      That is how parents get the best results in court (as per the Premi example: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/a-miracle-story-about-how-premi-gained-full-custody-of-her-children-thriver-story-29/ ) – have you looked at the NARP work for yourself?

      Mel xo

      • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
        Andrea
        March 2, 2018

        Yes I have. Is there any way you can have your staff see what I purchased already and direct me to the next step? I completely forgot because that’s what the narcs do. I have been reading your material for a year. It’s truly helped. All right do is pray and study reiki. I trust god will do the right thing for us❤️

  • fireinthebelly@hotmail.com'
    Susan Nicholson
    March 2, 2018

    Thank you for your advice targeting the most difficult part of a past relationship with a narcissist: sharing a child. You addressed aspects of how to manage when the other parent is breaking boundaries with you, and how to limit communications. I’m doing this! But what about when the other parent is taking actions directly against the best interests of the child? My 5 year old has recently had an initial diagnosis of ADHD. Further evaluation is underway to discern if it is trauma or a true neurobiological disorder. Two different behavioral rewards systems have been implemented over 6 months, and they have each been undermined by the other parent. The more I ask the other parent to cease toy purchases (rewards), the more he does it. The last time the child came home with a new toy he told me his Dad said not to tell me because I would say no. I finally decided to not write an email asking the other parent to stop because (1) I think he likes it; and (2) it has increased the behavior I have been resisting (toy purchases). Yet, these positive behavior rewards and the system in place are the child’s last chance. How can one oppose the other parent without giving them a “hit” of supply?

    • Nprokopiuk@hotmail.com'
      Nicole Prokopiuk
      March 2, 2018

      I do empathize with you and have been going through the same for the last year and a half and what I’ve learned is don’t bother, at all. Just mind your business and pretend to not even notice in the slightest. It’s the hardest thing to do and took me a long time to get there, but it’s possible and soooooo worth it. The more I’ve let go and stopped trying to engage in ANY conversation about his parenting the more he’s initially tried to get to me in other ways, but he eventually gives up and moves on to something else. Like the saying goes, “where focus goes energy flows” so I’d say work the NARP program and do everything you can to let go and focus on what you can do and that is how you interact with your kids on your time. Let the rest be. My thoughts are with you and I know you can do it and I know you will figure out a way to make it work for you. Big hugs from someone who knows ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Susan,

      this is very difficult, and the truth is you can’t – because N’s use it as a way to get to you.

      My highest recommendations with this are always to work on the triggers with NARP – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and also on proxy on your child’s issues and anxieties with that parent – which is what Devon has done so successfully: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-healing-the-traumas-closest-to-our-hearts-our-children-2/

      I have found this to be the most effective strategy – as N’s drop off the “I’m trying to hurt you” tactics as a result.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • andrea.eppingstall@gmail.com'
    andrea
    March 2, 2018

    This is awesome.

    Unfortunately by the time I realised I had a Narc ex… I had already put things in place and the conflict was really high. I even tried to get him to only contact me via Our Family Wizard (I purchased it, sent him the link and asked him to use it). He refused, and instead sent letters to my solicitor directly.. which then I had to pay for to answer.. because I said I wouldn’t communicate except through Our Family Wizard. We already had interim orders at the time, so to go back and ask for communication channels changing was difficult. In hindsight, this would be a great strategy going in, before everything gets so far out of control… nothing feels like it’s working. A few years on… I still “co-parent”.. but am pretty much parrallel parenting (although don’t necessarily use those words with your legal team, because that in itself can cause issues), all correspondence is via email or text. I purchased a program (iexplorer) to download the texts in bubbles, so they can’t easily be manipulated, and it gives me written evidence. Even if it is a diary entry.. or a message to myself to note… that he was late … or child hasn’t had a bath for a week whilst with him, or brushed his teeth, or been given medication etc.. Thanks Mel <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      I’m glad this resonated with you.

      It is so true that it is easier to set this up from the start.

      It is great you keep all the evidence and I wish you continued strength and success co-parenting.

      Mel xo

    • jenniferroselegal1@gmail.com'
      Jennifer
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      Could you please share with me a little more about iexplorer? I have never heard of the program but would be interested in learning house “download” texts and did not understand what you meant when you mentioned downloading texts into bubbles. I would really appreciate your response!

      Thank you for sharing information!

      J

  • a67nelson@gmail.com'
    Annelise
    March 2, 2018

    Returning to court for the 3rd time last year the judge decreed using OFW for communication. We both agreed to post 1 time on alternating Sundays, at the very least the Sunday we each had our son. I posted for 9 months. He posted zero. Nothing read, answered or even logged on. I searched legal assistance and was told I should seek a therapist. OFW doesn’t monitor a lack of activity. The ex now involves my son (15) as the go between for acute communication. These status updates never happened and I spent the $200.00 The courts don’t want nor care really, not in the US. We are no contact (what started out as my salvation, and is now thrust in my face) but my son acts on his own behalf as it is his only way of accomplishing anything, scheduling etc…my son doesn’t advocate as much for our requests back, but then he misses out on opportunities. He’s impatient with me and it’s way too familiar. I have little tolerance for anything that remotely smells like those behaviors. I simply say “not in this house- not ok” I feel helpless that the courts don’t monitor OFW after decreeing it’s use. I went to the courts in person to file something, asking if this was “contempt” and I was asked by an intern, “well what is it that you want?”I wanted to say, “really? stop the madness.” There’s no box to check for that request. Thank Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Annelise,

      The court system absolutely can be a frustrating one.

      Myself and all of this community wish for your breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • Me@deborahgreenwald.com'
    Debbie
    March 2, 2018

    The new term is completely accurate. Parallel parenting. Great info. One specific thing, we are ordered to use OFW and I didn’t realize you can add notes. However, if I add notes, the narc will add 10x more notes all countering what I’m saying. Can both people see the notes? I also liked the term ..High level, suits my parallel parenting situation…very High level! I’ve been doing narp for a couple years. My saving grace💕Thank you Melanie for your continued work with how to thrive through any obstacle!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      if you just stick to the clear, precise facts without emotives, the narcissistic pattern of reseponses will be clear for all to see. Don’t respond to anything that isnt true or relevant.

      That is great you are working NARP and are positive Debbie!

      Please know you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • nprokopiuk@hotmail.com'
    Nicole Prokopiuk
    March 2, 2018

    I love your videos and NARP program and am so grateful to have found you online. You have helped me tremendously so I thank you for doing what you do. I’d like to share my two cents on this topic since it is the biggest one of all for me and in all reality took every ounce of everything I had to survive and come to terms with it. What you say in regard to detaching and parallel parenting, from my experience this is an absolute necessity when dealing with people like this and for me when I began doing these things it did start to get easier and still gets easier by the day. I will say, however, that also from my experience even though Family Wizard did provide accountability and an admissible paper trail, it was simply another tool for him to abuse me with. I argued with my lawyer and in the end simply refused to participate, this was of course after having enough documented evidence to show the patterns of abuse and the different forms of abuse, which I wouldn’t have had if not for Family Wizard. But in the end, I simply hit a point where I was just done and no one on this planet was going to tell me otherwise – my moment of becoming a Boundary Boss! So what we do now is one-way communication. We have 50/50 on everything and I do not deny him anything that I am not willing to sacrifice myself, therefore nothing to argue about. I take full responsibility for booking all appointments (always did anyway) and planning our monthly calendar of school activities, drop off and pick up locations (we have a set schedule and pick ups are either at our day home or another third party location so he doesn’t mess around with being late, because he wouldn’t dare have anyone else see that!), etc. I send him a calendar via email at the end of the month for the next month and he is to have absolutely ZERO contact with me directly and if he breaches in any way I call the police. We alternate appointments, school conferences and activity attendance and if it’s his turn for something and he can’t make it it’s his responsibility to reschedule and take him on his time. Everyone has been extremely supportive and I have it set up with my son’s school, doctor, dentist, etc. that no matter who takes him, the other party can call after and get an update directly or they simply email out the relevant info to the person not in attendance, so as to avoid us having to pass this info ourselves (which as we all know, he didn’t do before anyway). We have a super detailed parenting plan about EVERYTHING and I stick to it like it’s life or death. My only focus now is on adding a clause about having a set review schedule (once or twice per year) and what that will look like (done through lawyer and any changes agreed after limited back and forth and then consent order filed with the court, etc.) and also adding a clause that any breeches whatsoever, including surprise litigations (cause those of us who’ve been there know when they are limited in ways to abuse, they move to abusing through the courts) are attached to a monetary fine paid to the other party plus court/legal costs (that’s his number one motivator). So this way I will basically eliminate him from my life completely and know that I will only have to deal with his garbage once or twice a year under very controlled circumstances or he will have to pay me for abusing me. As for the rest he’s to simply figure it out for himself, which he always did what he wanted on his time anyway. If in absolute emergency and our son ends up in the hospital, he’s to call my mom or my mom will call him, but other than that I simply have taken the “what I don’t know won’t kill me” mentality and let it go. I also use what you’ve taught me about praying for him and focusing on the fact he’s going to be ok when not with me, which helps immensely. So far, it’s been FREEDOM and the first time in over five years I’ve felt any sense of safety and security from being abused by this person. It is also helping me shed the rest of the anger and resentment I’ve been struggling to release and I now find I can be happy for my son when he talks about his “daddy”, even if it’s stuff that bothers me like the excessive toys or treats or whatever. Truth is Melanie is right and we have to let our kids make up their minds themselves. My son loves his father and I want to honor that and now that I feel I have protection for myself I am beginning to be able to do that for him, which I didn’t think possible in the past. So in the end, I came up with my own solution and so far so good. However, I’d say he’s either at a loss or planning something big because he’s back off almost completely at this point (minus minimal financial abuse, but that’s not new). Or maybe it’s just a good turn around making him actually take responsibility for the first time ever, since I’m not swooping in and trying to control things anymore. Anyway, who knows with these kinds of people. I guess time will tell in the end.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Nicole,

      I am pleased you love NARP and my info.

      Absolutely not one solution will be right for everyone, and it is great that you found your way and that you are continuing to uplevel and gain back your True Self.

      Thank you for your share to help others in similar situations.

      Keep shifting out any fear of ‘what he may do next” (Mod 8) and the N will just continue to lose power.

      You are doing great!

      Mel xo

  • vickipaymella666@gmail.com'
    Vicki Paymella
    March 2, 2018

    Thank you so very much for your work. I have only just discovered what my ex was. It’s like all the little pieces that I didn’t understand, I now realize are textbook narcissist actions. We were married for 20years and the divorce broke what little of me I had left. But the knowledge of what he was and knowing that it wasn’t that I was unworthy, the realization that it was abuse, is life-changing. Everything that you describe paints what happened to me with indescrIbable accuracy. Thank you for educating me to what the reality is!! I feel like now I have a chance. Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Vicki,

      that is great that you are gaining clarity now.

      It’s wonderful that you feel hope now Vicki.

      Mel xo

  • tessaveda@msn.com'
    Tessa
    March 2, 2018

    Absolutely brilliant and spot-on! My kids 8 year old daughter and 10 year old son went through 6 years of extreme trauma when the narc tried to destroy me. Now we have been thriving for the last 2 years since I began no-contact and parallel parenting through total detachment and firm boundaries. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said and you have helped me see some areas I could still improve. I would love to take your full course, someday if I ever recover financially. In the meantime, I have learned so much from your videos and I thank you for work and commitment to helping others 🌈

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Tessa,

      big kudos to you that you are doing so well!!

      It’s my pleasure and I love that I’ve been able to help.

      Mel xo

  • rhellercastillo@hotmail.com'
    Rebecca Heller
    March 2, 2018

    Very informative thank you

  • hammond.marcia@gmail.com'
    Marcia Hammond
    March 2, 2018

    You are lovely thank you sooooo much for everything that you do to help others God bless💜💓

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Marcia,

      thank you, sweetheart, for your lovely words.

      Many blessings to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • rhoda.ww@gmail.com'
    Thriver
    March 2, 2018

    Thanks Mel. Once again a brilliant episode. It is so timely for me because i moved out yesterday. Have been living with my narc for 12yrs. We have 2 children a boy aged 12.9years and a girl of 11years. Since i discovered your resources Mel, that was last year i have been able to work on my inner wellbeing and the physical moving out is a very big step considering that I didn’t even have a job till late last year and so had felt stuck for so long, since i started doing the inner work last year August things began falling into place one after another.. Thank you for your work.

    My concern now is my kids.. their father has been able to provide them a comfortable lifestyle. Where i have moved into is not as big as where we lived with the narc, and haven’t bought a tv or home internet yet, I noticed the kids displeasure with that, they feel like they dont have a source of entertainment, additionally they dont seem to really understand why i had to leave or why the separation.i know one day they may come to understand. Now I know the kids are better off with me and i have no problem with them seeing and spending time with their father, and now with the info.on this episode i know how to conduct negotiations, mediation and to parallel parent. I assumed the kids will feel and find it better to stay with me most of the time, what if ..,just what if they expressed at some point that they would want to stay with their father more days than me, because maybe in their mind they think they will have more luxury… what would you recommend in such a situation. I look forward to hear from you and other members who have gone through this. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Thriver,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so thrilled that Quantum Law honored you – so within, so without. Congratulations on all your hard work 🙂

      Ok – what I would recommend is clearing that fear with NARP. Truly our kids follow use energetically – when we are solid on anything – then they are at peace with it too.

      That truly Thriver is the solution, and as you get more and more spacious inside absolutely the way to provide more will come too.

      You are doing great Thriver! You’ve got this 🙂

      Mel xo

      • rhoda.ww@gmail.com'
        Thriver
        March 5, 2018

        Thanks a lot Mel for the encouragement . 😊I will continue to do the work. Am really loving the new life, feeling light and calm. You are a blessing to so many of us. Keep up the good work.

        Much luv,😍

  • blairjenn@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer Blair
    March 3, 2018

    Dear Melanie, boy do I wish you had been around with this video about 19 years ago. This was the first time I left with the kids. I am still with my NA and our now widowed daughter and grandson live with us. I am going to do the 16 day training in preparation for the final exit after 28 years. I am so glad I found you back in 2015 when I was in a shelter. That was a bust after all the promises and counseling he is still gaslighting me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Jennifer,

      that is great that you are going to work with the 16 Day Course …

      Wishing you power and breakthrough Jennifer into your True Life.

      Mel xo

  • arbjmh@me.com'
    Ansley
    March 3, 2018

    Thank you so much, Melanie, for all your amazing videos and information. I have one question for you. My children always ask me to go with them to the movies/zoo/etc when they are going with their dad. I completely understand why and will often go to make sure they are being taken care of. I want to create more distance and boundaries between me and my ex. How would you suggest talking to the children about this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Ansley,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I would Ansley reassure them that they will be fine without you.

      The biggest most MASSIVE key with our kids is this: If WE are okay with anything – they follow suit very quickly. That is why I am such a fan of doing all the work on our inner anxieties, traumas, and fears so that we don’t project them into and onto our children.

      Does that make sense? It’s really more about YOU being okay with it than them.

      Mel xo

  • linda.dburke@gmail.com'
    Linda Burke
    March 3, 2018

    Hi Melanie, I so needed to hear this today. I am a mom to 3 beautiful kids and I have been separated for 3 years. Parallel parenting is the only way, I know this but for some reason I forgot how important it is and as a result i have been in a spin for the last 3 days- my ex is up to his usual tricks my boundaries were not as strong as they should be and everyone (kids & i) is upset.
    He absolutely thrives in this environment and he is delighted with life today- so thank you, thank you for this wonderful reminder just listening to you today has given me a huge lift.. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased you are inspired to dig in deep again and get those boundaries back up and firm.

      Mel xo

  • Mabemyoung@aim.com'
    Mona
    March 3, 2018

    After two years of shared custody and working with NARP, I am now in a place to petition the court for sole custody. Our Family Wizard was a big help in getting to this point. I had to work hard to get it in place, with the N fighting it the whole way (NARP was huge because I was able to get support from the judge for OFW by being calm and factual).

    My story is similar to the one Mel talks about. I set clear, firm and unemotional boundaries with the N on OFW. It resulted in the N losing it and giving me court recognized evidence of harassment through emails on OFW. When the N was asked to be accountable for his harassment by our son’s Guardian ad litem, he lost it in an even bigger way.

    He sent letters to every judge in the county making extremely derogatory false allegations against the Guardian (that he was exchanging favorable custody recommendations for sexual favors with female clients), accusing him of bias, accusing the Guardian of making false accusations against him and he even admitted to recording his conversations with the Guardian. In the letters he sent, he told the judges that he was going to do a complete investigation of the Guardian and asked them to no longer assign cases to him.

    Our judge stopped everything in order to address these letters and although he recused himself to avoid the appearance of bias, he wrote a judgment strongly in my favor that I can now take to court. I’ve decided to make a custody settlement offer to the N, indicating that if he agrees to giving me sole custody, I will drop the multiple contempt charges I’ve filed regarding his failures to follow the custody settlement agreement.

    I am still amazed at the difference since NARP has healed so much of my trauma. The N now avoids contact with me as much as possible and that is a huge blessing.

    One particular challenge I’ve had is that I am professionally qualified to diagnose NPD and psychopathy. I knew my diagnosis wouldn’t be legally or ethically allowable and I shouldn’t even mention it. But I couldn’t find my voice when I didn’t communicate within a psychological frame work. Finally, I just started saying, I know this isn’t legally relevant, but it took me many years and specialized training to understand what was happening in my marriage. Making statements like that allowed me bridge the gap between my professional and personal identity, making it again about me, and not about the N.

    I remember being trained to give the Hare Psychopathy Checklist and having things click about my husband and then assessing those things directly with him to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. If I could never share that, or many similar experiences, how could I tell my authentic story? I had to be me, regardless of what others might think or how they would interpret what I said. And, when I was myself, it worked, even when I said what I thought his diagnosis was.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Mona,

      I am so, so thrilled for your breakthrough, dedication to parallel parenting and clearing out of your trauma to come to this place.

      Thank you so much for your post Mona – I know it will be very inspirational for others.

      Mel xo

    • nprokopiuk@hotmail.com'
      Nicole
      March 5, 2018

      Mona,

      I am going through my own struggles right now with finding my voice and trying to discerne what exactly that means to me and reading this today is exactly what I needed to help get me back on track. Like you, I need to be me and share my story in my way and so I thank you for sharing a bit about your experience because it has served as a good reminder that when we are our being authentic things do somehow take care of themselves.

      • Mabemyoung@aim.com'
        Mona
        March 6, 2018

        I am so glad to read this!! Wishing you the best Nicole!!!

  • beth.claxton43@gmail.com'
    Beth
    March 3, 2018

    Thank you for recording this. Over the past year I have embraced everything you spoke about. I felt like you were outlining my year. I feel incredibly strong and unflappable now. The only thing that has not come to fruition in Our Family Wizzard. I wanted to buy it for my ex but thought he just wouldn’t use it as it wasn’t court ordered. After many thousands of dollars my daughters are in therapy (he wouldn’t let them go) and I have backing by the judge that he may not come into my home (couldn’t get the injunction against harassment). Laying down boundaries has been the ONLY way to liberate myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Beth,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      How fabulous you are standing strong with your boundaries.

      Kudos to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Victoria@ixcheltherapies.co.uk'
    Victoria
    March 3, 2018

    Hi Mel

    Watching this makes me feel I have messed up so badly. My covert Narc husband was so publicly perfect that after 18 years I ended up having an affair when a man who I had know since I was 12 and he knew all about my Overt/Covert Narc father and I caved and used this relationship to leave.

    However my behaviour to my children was sooooo out of character that in the end I blurted out a list of their Dads misbehaviour.

    I did not find you or your modules until nearly a year after the breakup. I know my 16 year old daughter deeply resents any negative comments and actually sees me as a complete hypocrite which is true based on the last year. But she doesn’t understand what 18 years with a covert does to you.

    Is there advice on how to repair retrospective damage to my daughters about my final allergic reaction to their dad?

    Thank you xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Victoria,

      please know sweetheart no matter what we feel we have messed up – we can reverse, simply by releasing our trauma of feeling we messed up, and coming home to peace and wellbeing.

      That truly is the only and the most powerful suggestion I have for you. Then, it can all come back together.

      You have NARP Dear Lady, and that is the way – so within so without. When you heal about this – space opens up for your children to heal also. And all validation of what you went through has to be reconciled within you, then others will also see the truth.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    • cosmogurl069@bellsouth.net'
      Crystal
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Victoria,

      I know you are asking Mel, and maybe she will respond, as well, but why don’t you try working out your thoughts/feelings inside yourself and rehearse what you might want to explain to your daughter and figure out what you think might be appropriate to say, so that she gets the right message that you messed up, and you’re sorry, etc. It’s a lot different behavior to say, I messed up, and I’m sorry, please forgive me, than what a narcissist will show her. Also, it might help to work out a dialogue with a therapist. You know, someone to talk it over so that you are more comfortable going in for the talk and can console her and focus on her feelings and emotions instead of focusing on your own insecurities about what you may have done and your feelings about how you messed up. The message you want her to get is that you messed up, and that you’re sorry, and that you are human, and we make mistakes. As for why and what other answers you might need to give to fill in the blanks so that she can understand… girls mature faster than boys (emotionally) and I’m sure she will understand… and find out what you’re comfortable with telling her… but I think an open dialogue on something that could affect not only how she perceives you, for the rest of her life, as well as affecting your relationship, is a good reason to get over your fears and talk to her…

      I don’t even know if I would touch on the comments that you made about her father, since you were probably being honest, I would skirt around that, and if asked, be diplomatic (polite and vague) because you don’t want to make the same mistake, twice, but as for the affair, is the reason she’s seeing you as a hypocrite… but honestly there was a good reason, being that you needed an excuse to get out of a horrible situation, but you don’t want her to repeat the same mistakes. The horrible situation (relationship) or encouraging an affair (since she saw mom do it).

      Open communication between mothers and daughters is so important because girls look to their mothers about who they are.

      Talk to her… but figure out what your main points are that you want to get across and then, leave it open, for her to ask any questions. You want her to have a good impression of you, and right now, it sounds like there needs to be some mending that left untouched for years and years, could do some damage, later on… if it hasn’t already started to affect your relationship… don’t leave this stone unturned… Clear the water… 🙂

  • jilldalsanto@gmail.com'
    Jill
    March 4, 2018

    Melanie,
    This information is so very useful and informative.
    I have tried to implement many of your strategies. Yet, my co parent has undermined much of it. What do you do when that happens? Examples of this under minding: refusing to use OFW, refusing to see a parent coach, not following placement, sending abusive emails/texts, repeatedly going through the children to communicate with me……..we have been to court repeatedly and all of these things have been addressed in formal court orders. Yet, he refuses to comply. He does not care if it is an order or not. He has even had a restraining in order placed regarding the judge because he was sending her bullying abusive emails.

    Bottom line is I have spent so much money on legal fees and the chaos continues in trying to parent with him. What do you suggest as to how best navigate through this? I have thrown my hands up in the air and have tried to walk away the best I can. I am no longer pursuing legal action, I keep it to very minimal contact with him, I accept that there is no way he will ever change or comply so I am tryIn to minimize the damage to me and my kids by living my life the best I can. I am tuning him out as much as possible. It means I have to swallow a lot of stuff, but I do not know what else to do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Jill,

      this is where NARP http://www.melanieetoniaevans.com/narp comes into it.

      It’s the Quantum Law so within – so without – when nothing they do can trigger us – it stops.

      So many people went through what you did – I did too with the N in my life – continued total harassment and drama and attacks … until shifting on the inside, and then all the attempts fall flat and start to dissolve away.

      That’s my highest (and only) suggestion for you.

      It’s by living this that you see it works.

      Mel xo

  • mkegarvin@gmail.com'
    Mary
    March 4, 2018

    I left a covert narc 3 years ago and moved to another country. He loves his kids and the kids love him. He has come to visit. He always sleeps in his car and asks to stay parked in my driveway which I do not allow. The visits have been a nightmare. After the initial 3 days of newness and niceness with the kids is over with we are back to him trying to take over the house and disrespecting all of my wishes and boundaries; cornering me and demanding I listen to all his ravings about how much he cares and doesn’t know why I left when he is so faithful; how he will be faithful to me till the end of his life and God has shown him we will be back together. I have struggled with the decision to not allow him in my house at all. I feel mean doing it yet I can’t take his intrusions. This video has given me hope that I have the right to do that and I can do it. I see that I need to limit my communication even more than I do to just facts. He constantly hooks me into explaining feelings or reasons, all the time belittling any reason I give, justifying why his way is best. I struggle with letting him plan outings where he takes the kids on his own because of his judgement in what to do with them, like his desire to wilderness canoe camp alone with 2 hyperactive, food sensitive, 5 and 7 yr olds. We came to a compromise of car camping at a local provincial park yet I had to go and clean up the mess when he was too sick to pack up and drive home. My girl came home from that not wanting to be alone with her dad again. She felt terribly unsafe. He is making big plans with the kids to camp again this summer and basically begging me to come camping with them this summer which I will not do. I hate that he is causing pressure on the kids that if they want to spend time with him they feel like they are in an unsafe situation unless I go along… ultimate emotional manipulation I guess to achieve his goal of my attention. Any suggestions how to deal with that one?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      This is so good that you are realizing boundaries are essential here, and that you do have a right to enforce them.

      There is no him staying at your house, you going along with him and the kids camping … and if they feel unsafe with him then he can apply through court to have it in his orders that he can take them away. He also needs to provide a place for the kids when he has access to them, so that you are not subject to his harassment.

      It is time to see a solicitor Mary and get some boundaries and orders in place with him – for you and your kids.

      Wishing you strength and power with this.

      Mel xo

  • staceyleonard184@yahoo.com'
    Stacey Everett
    March 5, 2018

    This was such an impactful episode for where I am in my journey….as have many in the past 4 years after releasing myself from a life with a narcissist. How can I get transcripts of episodes? It would help to be able to refer back to some of the very important points you make. Thanks so much-

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Stacey,

      I don’t believe that we are providing these at this stage – sorry!

      Mel xo

  • AmyPacyon@icloud.com'
    Amy
    March 5, 2018

    Mel

    Thank you for speaking on this subject. I have not spoken to my children in about 18 months. I am have been working modele 8. Please share success stories in relation to our children.

    Much love
    Amy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Amy,

      you are very welcome!

      I will sweetheart – absolutely.

      Naturally to protect children and parents from N’s it can be a delicate thing about coming forward on Thriver TV … but we are always open to it! Devon our incredible Mum Thriver had the guts to do it! See her public healing session here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      Have you come into my webinar – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and heard the story about Dot who reversed 32 years of child alienation from her 2nd N husband with NARP Module work?

      And … recently a very dear friend of mine has had 5 generations of her family reunited, from narc alienation tactics, as a result of healing the generational trauma with NARP work.

      Please know it can be done and I wish you loving connection with your children again.

      Mel xo

  • anne_rensonnet@hotmail.com'
    YK
    March 5, 2018

    It’s really interesting to hear you speak of parallel parenting so favourably. Everything you say makes a lot of sense… and yet my experience turns this on its head. My ex is the one who wants parallel parenting (asked for 50/50 shared parenting – but parallel) and I fought it. My ex uses the mantra of needing parallel parenting (he says I have BPD and am a psycopath) to force a complete split in the children’s life. They bring a backpack to his house from my place, but are not allowed to use anything from it, not allowed to do homework (he disagreed with the school I asked for and obtained from the courts), not allowed to take anything from his house towards school or my house, can’t go to any birthday parties or school events (including parent-teacher meetins and xmas party) etc, etc.
    I can’t convince him to use OFW (even though I paid for it) and I can’t get the courts to order it. Of course he won’t use a parenting co-ordinator or anything….
    A bit contrary to what you say, I am the one who occasionally offers/asks for a date switch (so the kids can attend school events or b-day parties or something that he won’t allow on his time). He invariably and always refuses. Even when I unilaterally offered him additional time at xmas (before we had our court ordered parenting schedule that dealt with xmas evenly). In the end, that worked against him and I have custody (he has access one day a week and every second weekend) and I am happy that I avoided a parallel parenting order that would push even more of a split/compartmentalized life on the children. Now that I have done NARP and set boundaries consistently, he seems to be the one who wants to cleave off the part of the kids life that relates to me. He is effectively enforcing parallel parenting. He ignores the few requests or questions I might have, then suddenly emails me pages of accusations and dredged up history (which I then ignore).

    Just thought I’d share that different side of the story, even though I do feel what you are saying is spot on, particularly for anyone dealing with a narc who is hounding them (which mine was before I did NARP).

    Also, I have one question: you recommend not talking to the kids about any of the crazy things the ex is doing/saying. Again I agree. I don’t feel any desire to tell my children about any of it, but the children sometimes come home asking questions about what dad just told them and its very difficult to figure out how to answer their concerns without getting into it. Recently my ex is pretending to be homeless (says the kids and him are making an adventure out of living in his van – in the dead of winter in Canada btw) while he actually has a place to live for himself when the kids are not with him and is “camping” with them (or couch surfing at friends’ to garner their sympathy) pleading poverty. So the kids come home and ask me why don’t I tell the court that I don’t want dad’s money (child support) so they can have a home.
    I gotta say something! I genuinely want to give them every chance to have a relationship with their dad that is as good as possible and free of interference from me or whatever he did to me… but it also doesn’t seem ok to let the kids be duped into believing their dad is something he just isn’t and participate in his lies even just by omission. One day, he’s gonna try to con them too… surely they need to develop a sense of healthy scepticism about what he says. (I should give my children credit though, that they do often come home saying “dad said about you, but I don’t believe him!”).

    So far, I try to find a middle ground and tell them that I flat out don’t believe their dad is homeless or jobless or needs to do any of that. I tell them that their dad is a very intelligent, highly educated and very capable man (all true) who has lots of business ideas and always had good work when I lived with him and always had money to buy things and travel and that I am not worried about him at all. He hasn’t lost any brain function or developed any physical disabilities and the industry he works it in hasn’t tanked, so yeah, I am confident he is able to take care of himself just like he did when I lived with him.

    Too much?

    Lovely show. I remain eternally grateful for your narp and pass your name on to others in need. I am so glad you are here for us.
    Thanks,
    Y.K.
    (and I think your cat is very funny)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      Hi YK,

      yes it really seems that his narcissism has switched the other way – and that can happen!

      I believe it would be reasonable to seek court orders regarding your children going to school events and other things important/essential in their life when in his care – as well as do their homework. These are all in the children’s best interests and could be backed up by reports/information from the school.

      Also an investigation into why he is not providing a home base for the whilst in his care. Maybe some things you would consider making accountable? That would also flush him out regarding what he is telling the children. I know it could be painful and also cost money – but these really are basic needs for your children that he can be held accountable for.

      I think when we do explain things to our children calmly and reasonably – in the way that you are doing/proposing it will be fine. The truth does come out.

      Keep up the great work Y K you are doing really well under the circumstances.

      Mel xo

  • aguileraeva7@gmail.com'
    Eva Aguilera
    March 5, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your terrific work. You have helped me very much in the past to put the missing pieces together about what a narcissist is and what they do.
    I have been married to a Christian Prophet (the narcissist) for over 18 years now, and I’m currently trying to divorce him (It’s been going on since 2014). We have two boys, 13 and 15. I am originally from Finland and married him against my will because I believed his “prophecy” where God demanded me to marry him (I know — I hindsight, doesn’t really sound like God, does it?). I lived under his terror for over 14 years, bore him two children and worked in his twisted kingdom as his personal slave (sexual and otherwise) until God showed me the truth about him. He has an international prophetic ministry on the internet and many Christian followers who believe in his prophecies blindly. They know nothing of his treatment of me. I am currently living off of credit cards in a rental unit and the money will be running out soon. Then I will be facing homelessness. My 15 year old son lives with me, the 13 year old lives with the narcissist. I am disabled. I have issues all over my joints, my dominant right hand is in shreds and I’m waiting for 3 surgeries but being denied by the worker’s comp insurance despite an MRI that shows significant damage (long story). I have been diagnosed with PTSD and don’t know what to do. My back and knees and hips are in so much pain that I can barely walk anymore or sleep at night (it’s some kind of degenerative joint disease that has spread in all my joints in my body). I don’t know how to get a job in this condition. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be enough to pay my bills, because I don’t have work experience in this country, since I lived as a housewife for so long, hidden in my husband kingdom of terror all those years. My husband isolated me and kept me in the dark financially, basically treated me like a child. The courts are failing me, and I don’t know what to do (I don’t receive a penny from the narcissist). There’s no support system in this country for someone like me. Even if I would qualify for permanent disability, I wouldn’t get a roof over my head. I have thought about returning back to Finland with the 15 year old. I know that the 13 year old wouldn’t want to leave America. Neither one of my children speak Finnish. But in Finland I would get help from the society, if the courts would allow my older son and I to go. That is IF. I don’t want to leave my other son in America, but I don’t know what to do. My body is very sick. I feel terrified of leaving my 13 year old in the hands of the narcissist, but I have no choice. It’s breaking my heart.

    I have wanted to start my own (out of the box) faith based ministry, but since my body is so sick, I don’t know if it’s going to ever happen. I have days I’m in so much pain that I can’t even think straight. I do have a website (www.seekingwonderland.org) where I write about my experiences and thoughts on faith. I haven’t written anything about my experiences in regards to the narcissist yet, but I will at some point (right now it may not be safe). I was also accepted as an affiliate for your site. Thank you.:) I’m planning on writing an introduction to your site where I present the work that you do.

    I’m sorry that this is a bit of a ramble, but it’s late, and I’m tired and currently feeling a little lost on what to do. It seems that no matter how much I pray, all the doors keep closing around me, particularly, because my body continues to be so sick regardless of all the inner work that I’d tried to do, and all the praying, and soul search. I wanted to share my experience here, because I wanted to know what your thoughts would be on parallel parenting across the ocean with a particularly nasty altruistic, covert narcissist, who has a vast following on the internet of people that worship him like a saint? I also know that you have often given the recommendation of not publicly exposing a narcissist to others, but just moving on with your life, but what is your opinion about that when the narcissist is a Christian leader with a worldwide ministry on the internet who receives all his income from voluntary donations from other Christians? I want to add that this Christian man lives in a huge three story house with five bedrooms while I had too escape from there and become homeless before I was able to get my credit card loans (I’ve lost all my credit now). I spent a night on a parking lot in my car. My children were with him. This house that he lives in is not something I can expect to get back in the divorce or half of, because the mortgage on it is too high. Furthermore, the prophet hides all his income and lies about it very effectively and I can’t prove that he’s lying. So I’m basically disabled, sick, with no job, almost penniless, with very few friends, two kids, in a foreign country with no family and no place to go, soon to be homeless. Ok. I better stop here. I do believe in the power of prayer. But for the life of me I don’t know what God wants from me anymore. I try not to lose my faith, but I do feel quite lost right now. Blessings to you Melanie for the work you do! ~ Eva

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      Hi Eva,

      I would really like you to email my support team at support@melanietoniaevans.com We offer sponsorships for the NARP Program – and I believe your circumstance absolutely qualifies.

      Are you willing to look at NARP and release the trauma directly from your cells, so that you can reset to wellbeing?

      That is the path, the only path I know, that works in circumstances like yours, as it did when my body/health completely broke as well, 11 years ago.

      I hope this helps and can offer you some hope.

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    March 5, 2018

    Dear Mel,
    An amazing video! I agree with you there is no other way but parallel parenting and I’ve learned to do no contact and detach from you ! And I’ve been using family wizard. My ex never logged in once, it has been years. He has also lost interest in seeing the kids after initially making so much fuss about them during years of divorce litigation. Obviously, he doesn’t pay child support. But, it’s much better without him. And it’s all that matters!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      HI Jane,

      thank you and I am so happy that you liked it!

      How wonderful that you are free of the trauma and drama!

      Mel xo

  • padgett.w.tricia@gmail.com'
    Tricia
    March 5, 2018

    Thank you for the advice. I’ve read it over and over again in other sources not specifically regarding Narcissistic behavior. Somehow hearing it ere in context makes sense and validates my personal truth. I am living this. We have been divorced for 1.5 years and things aren’t any better, in fact on some levels it’s worse. I instinctively kept him off text and stayed away, I never trade time off and he will still find ways to manipulate the situation. We are in Facilitation and there are temporary orders regarding his requirements to tell me when he travels with my 4 and 8-year-old. He does not comply. I am working on the modules to heal. It’s a process and while I’ve not given up I do experience setbacks that leave me feeling powerless. At the core is me. My ability to focus on the courage and grace to come back to my inner strength. Thank you for the work you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      Hi Tricia,

      it is my pleasure 🙂

      That’s great that you are working with NARP, and it so is about healing within those feelings of powerlessness when they get triggered, so that power and solution emerges and generates from within,

      You are doing great – you’ve got this!

      And please know the NARP Forum is such an invaluable resource for you to get support from when needed. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • fleurant@hotmail.co.uk'
    Hilary
    March 5, 2018

    Thank you for this episode. Thankfully, over years of learning the hard way, I try hard to do most of these things already. I used to agree to swap his alternate weekend contact, but now I won’t. What should I do when my child wants to go to a friend’s party on his weekend? He lives too far away to take her. It’s becoming a real problem and allows much more email contact trying to sort out an arrangement.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      Hi Hilary,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I would organise something special with her and her friend when you have the weekend with her – if he won’t / can’t take her.

      Also, it doesn’t hurt children at all to understand limits and learn how to handle disappointments and formulate compromises.

      Life is full of those times!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • ditaberbey79@hotmail.com'
    Lysandra
    March 6, 2018

    Thank you so much for this episode. I was feeling so hopeless until I started watch not only this episode, but all your YouTube videos. I have decided now that my life must change because of my 10 year old daughter. I need to get stong and centered for myself and for her. Watching all your videos has given me hope that my newly divorced life from a narcissist can some day be a happy and fulfilling one. However, having all this information has left me a little confused as to where I should start to begin the healing process. I want to heal, remove the fear I have of the narcissists reaction, so that I can be strong and solid in setting boundaries and keeping them.

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    TT.
    March 7, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    Just yesterday I finally realised something crucially important. It was like a super aha-moment! In relationships I always give, give and give…and really “expect” getting nothing in return. No wonder I became an easy target to abusers!! I was like the n’s day dream come true. It’s shocking when I suddenly saw this so clearly. Some unconscious level I’ve always felt deeply worthless, so I became a “doormat”. If I’m worthless, I can’t really expect to get love, respect and definitely not set any boundaries. The n treated me horribly, and even so, I was terrified he will abandon me (which he finally did, as an “ultimate punishment”).
    I realised, I am not giving myself any love, respect, nothing really. I was sort of empty, and the n appeared as the “false source”. Of course!! :/
    Now my very burning question is, how do I know, that I love myself (or have started to love)? How do I know that I respect and value myself etc.?
    I mean, I “hate” advice, like “love yourself”, and then I don’t know how it “looks like” in real life, on practical level. I don’t like advice that it easy to say but difficult to apply to real life, I don’t really understand the “concept”.
    Could you give some example?
    How such a woman behaves? (who likes, loves, respects, values etc. herself)
    I worry, that I’m just fooling myself/”imagining” things and not really healed and then scared to attract another n! 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi TT,

      that is great that you had that epiphany!

      That is the million dollar question that I used to ponder, try to reach and ‘do’ all sort so things to ‘get there’. Now, truly TT I know what it is to organically love myself. It is simply the state of being Who I Am whilst releasing trauma and living more and more without it inside me.

      It’s not really something I believe we “get” to, or “find” – we just start Being it. Thus as a concept, it isn’t embodied … but once we free ourselves of internal trauma it emerges from within – naturally.

      This may help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO8nI2dHgX8

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        TT.
        March 8, 2018

        Thank you Melanie, makes sense! I actually watched this video now! Your videos have this magical quality, it always feels like you are talking directly to me! 🙂

        Isn’t it astounding…many times I talked with the n all this “spiritual” and self-development stuff (that was then when I still thought he was normal). And he said “no one will ever love you more than you love yourself (this is actually true!!). And that (for him) “it is important to always treat other people with respect”.
        It is shocking, how well he seemed to “get it”, I mean have a deep understanding of “these things”, he was very smart, intelligent, seemed to be somehow “soulful”, mature, deeply wise. And in reality, he is truly none of this for real, he can’t…There seemed to be a deep understanding and connection between us. And in stressful times or whenever he became “triggered”, “this man” completely disappeared, and morphed into some 5 years old child, or even worse, a psychopath, he was totally “out”, I couldn’t connect him in any level. That’s when I started to think…this can’t be normal. The feeling was really like a werewolf…a human who suddenly transformed into being a non-human!

        About self-love, no need to be perfect, “love myself right now, just as I am”. But I feel this sometimes to be so difficult! For me, as a woman, maybe to many other women too? I mean, quickly this inner talk begins “But I’m not Miss Universe, I’m not super model”. On a weak moment, I start to doubt myself, can a (good) man love me, really, when I’m not physically perfect? Well, I’m not ugly either…I’m just plain ordinary 🙂 I’m my 20s, it was easy to be “perfect”, now in 40s it becomes increasingly difficult :/ It’s difficult when magazines and internet is full of photoshopped perfection. What are you wise words Melanie about this..? I think it is hard for me to accept myself, “as I am”.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 8, 2018

          Hi T.T.

          N’s are very good at mimicking what we want to hear. Have they embodied it – No! It’s just words.

          Again TT, truly without trauma in our being – there is only the warmth of love – unconditionally – for ourselves and others.

          Comparison is a product of ego – it is a product of trauma … wounds. It isn’t until you start releasing all that hurts and feels unconformable within, that you get to realise how our “normal” is drastically not “natural”.

          You cant accept yourself as “whole” when you are not TT. Trauma being the issue blocking that. I couldn’t either!

          The answer to all that you ask is start releasing trauma – then you will easily just BECOME love.

          Come in here to experience what mere words truly can’t explain: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

          Mel xo

  • abigailcarroll31483@gmail.com'
    Abigail Carroll
    March 7, 2018

    This was a wonderful video for ladies in my abuse relationship support group! Thank you so much for you insight

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    March 7, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Best vid yet in ages! THANK YOU!

    I am in a situation and this vid helps. If you have more ideas, here is the sitch:
    My daughter has reconciled with her dad. The x had been leaving me alone since I was more or less immune to his nonsense, thanks to NARP. But wow did I get triggered by our daughter. She prefers to live with him at the moment, she says because he is closer to her school. She is 17, a senior in high school. I have been flabbergasted by this after all my own – and both kids – work to get out. Reconciling is great, but this?

    After watching and reading this thread I now realize I’ve begun feeding the x class A supply through my fears for our daughter, and possibly not at all helping my daughter. Since she moved in with her dad I have watched her become isolated and depressed, but she tends to resist much of what I do and say. The x uses her as an adult roommate to feed the cat when he is out trolling for new women, or traveling around the country. He quit his job and now manipulates her about money also. He is out when she gets home from school, and sleeping when she gets up to go to school. He sets no boundaries about where she goes, who she sees, or when she gets home. He has told her she is a “ghost”, the person no one sees or hears. He has taken off for trips leaving her home alone and not giving her an itinerary of where he will be. Naturally, I am now the bad guy.

    I’ve used some of the parallel parenting stuff – great term! On the travel thing I now insist she stay with me most of the time he’s away. And if she stays alone a night here or there for easier commute to school, I ask her to check in with me so I know she is ok. (sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t). I also tell him I want an itinerary in case of emergency. Sometimes he gives one, sometimes he just rages that I have no right to ask. I just say via email, ‘this is what I want…” “I want you to support this for our daughter’s safety.’ Sometimes it works.

    Since living with her dad I also observe my daughter adopting some of his abusive behavior tactics. Walking away from me in a middle of a conversation, arriving or leaving without saying hello or good bye.

    I id’ed a great fear that my daughter believes it is not safe to love or be loved, hence voluntarily moving back in with her dad when she does not need to. My gut tells me she believes this. I want to heal my resistance to her living free, loving and being loved in a healthy way. I’ll take this to mod 11. Can I also directly change this for her by proxy? (It is a belief I held for years and in fact landed me with the x. I believe I’ve cleared it in myself tho – which feels great by the way.)

    I worked with a women’s shelter counselor this fall who says this is not an uncommon situation at all, for a child to reconcile after estrangement with a dangerous parent, and then make the previously more safe parent be the ‘bad guy’. The counselor worked with me to change my communication style with my daughter in ways that hopefully help her feel really seen and held, no matter who she lives with. She also advised I not interfere too much, since my daughter must take this journey. This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with. What do healthy boundaries for me as a woman and a parent look like in this case?

    I have found a handful fears ( I think of them as my gremlins) to clear since watching this vid and meditating about it…

    I hope I am taking a healthy direction here, but this is heart wrenching. Any suggestions?

    Thanks,

    Val

    PS – other areas of my life are really wonderful, which I largely credit to your NARP tools and my use of them to release and transform the gremlins 🙂 Much is wonderful! Am publishing both writing & artwork; won a grant to take professional training to help rebuild the career that fell to ruin during the marriage; have started a small music studio teaching and performing to help pay the bills while I work towards full employment and abundance – fabulous story with a bit of optimism for my future 🙂 But this thing with my daughter is a biggie… so, so heart breaking. It somehow echoes the narc relationship, which is really weird.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Val,

      I just answered you on other blog comments – but I will expand here too.

      Of course that is understandable that she triggers you and that you are concerned for her – and Mod 1 or GSM to clear all of that resistance and trauma coming up for you – so that you can totally grant her space and blessings on her journey with her Father, knowing her Higher Self knows what to do, and all is in perfect and divine order no matter how it looks – and naturally if she needs to come to you-you will be there for her.

      Your healthy boundaries, in this case, are to let go and be supportive and loving with her unconditionally – and don’t discuss her father in any disparaging ways, or her choices.

      How gorgeous Val that you have had massive breakthroughs in so many areas of your life – this is another one to come sweetheart – you will see!

      Mel xo

      • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
        Valerie
        March 8, 2018

        Thanks, Mel.
        Taking what you wrote to mod 11 …

        Covering this topic some more would be awesome.

        Thanks again – glad I’m not going it alone .

        Peace and love –
        Val

  • demily5961@gmail.com'
    Denise
    March 7, 2018

    I finally had a chance to watch this & learned so much. We’ve been court ordered to coparenting classes which has proven to me to be more about my ex than our daughter. We have set schedule after schedule only to have him change because in his words “im entitled to a life” he has given up so much time with our daughter so he can out.?” There are days I feel like I’m the narcissist because I want him to choose our 2 year old over going ice fishing with his friends or to a bar/party on a Saturday afternoon. I know he won’t change so I just have to be there for my daughter.

  • markh@matopt.com'
    Mark
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I have watched and rewatched your video. It is really helpful and great to learn from. Thank you very much for making it and putting it out for people that need to learn.

    It really helped me to prep for how I need to look at my own behaviour, relative to the other person. I was extremely naive and unaware. Thank you for the detail and clarity.

    Best,

    Mark

  • jillchristensen229@gmail.com'
    Jill
    March 10, 2018

    Hello ~

    I have now listened to this video 3 times, as I need to respond the narcissist I deal with regarding summer visitation of the children.

    I appreciated your statement and suggestion of “Thank you for your request. I do not agree with you, however, this is what I am prepared to do…”

    I will receive back lash no matter my response, I am prepared for that. However, I feel adding the ‘I do not agree with you’ part will garner even more.

    I also feel, it is important for me to include that statement for my own personal integrity in standing up for myself.

    I am really struggling with my decision to include or not include, and would appreciate more insight.

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Jill,

      I do believe boundaries are very important as well as losing the fear of what they can do in response.

      Authenticity and being in our power with detachment is rattling for n’s.

      Work on that and do what feels powerful and strong inside you.

      Mel xo

      • jillchristensen229@gmail.com'
        jill
        March 18, 2018

        Hello ~

        I have the week focusing on staying in my power and working Module 8. In the meantime, the N has instilled his attorney for triangulation. I just happened to read the most recent blog…How to Divorce a Narcissist and Win. One comment spoke to avoiding “he said/she said”. In the response email I had been drafting, I realized I was falling into that trap by over explaining my reasons for why I was not agreeing with him.

        I am unsure if this is allowed… would you mind reading my response (I understand you have no details to what is going on here) to see if I am in fact responding in a business-like manner, no emotion, just facts, no he said/she said?

        (What I have listed for visitation is directly from the court order)

        Thank you

        “As a revised summer visitation schedule has not been resubmitted, the following plan will be instituted –

        2-week period #1 – Friday, June 8th 6pm – Friday, June 22nd 6 pm (this includes the full Father’s Day weekend)

        Even year 4th of July holiday – Tuesday, July 3rd 6pm – Thursday, July 5th 6pm

        2-week period #2 – Friday, July 13th 6pm – Friday, July 27th 6pm

        2-week period #3 – Friday, August 3rd 6pm – Friday, August 17th 6pm

        As Labor Weekend is not granted in “even” years, every other weekend visitation will resume September 7th at 6pm.

        Consent is NOT given for the previously stated intent to take XXX out of the country.”

  • snroses@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    March 13, 2018

    Tiggy is a very special part of the video’s !!

    He is definitely an attention seeker…an absolutely gorgeous one…:-)

  • info.camilabalbi@gmail.com'
    Camila
    March 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I´ve divorced a narcisist 5 years ago and spent 2 of those yeas in court fighting for our 2 kids and my own pensions. All the energy was in vain when I lost. All because he planned it so well taking all his money out of the country, declared himself unemployed and moved to his mom´s home.
    I have been doing it all wrong though. Trying to avoid conflit and pain to myself and the kids I have given in to most of his requests.
    Last year I even tryed to go back with him because my life became unbearable since he took away my finantial stability. I couldnt work because I couldnt pay for a babysiter to keep my kids while I was working.
    I saw myself in the drain and without an exit other then begging for his help. His helping idea was to keep the kids whenever he is not working outside the country. He´s made a calendar to keep record of everything. He controls it all. Now he sees the kids whenever he wants. He visits whenever he likes. He has total control. I feel like the unpaid babysitter of my own kids.
    I hate that he wins all the time. I dont know how to change the rules all of a suden when I have screwed it all up.
    : (

    I am focusing on myself and going to coodependents group meetings once a week, reading your material and other two books. “Women who love too much” & “ Coodependent no more”. I have been feeling stronger lately but since my eyes are oppening up and I can see all the stupid decisions I have been making I feel so damm. But its good because I am learning not to fall for farther traps.
    Now I need to find a way to change the rules. Any ideas please?

    Thank you sooo very much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Camilla,

      I truly can’t recommend the inner work enough to heal in our Inner Identity what was causing us to hand power away.

      Then everything became easier because organically we have the inner foundation to be strong.

      Have you thought of NARP?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      That is my highest suggestion for you, and it’s my pleasure Camilla.

      Mel xo

  • melrpotter@gmail.com'
    Mandy
    March 18, 2018

    I had used family wizard but it was not reviewed by the court and dismissed by attorneys.

    The narcissist father of my daughter was granted so many privileges after long drawn out hearings and multiple mediations. Allowed to change her schooling from her current district (where she was born and began school) to the district I work in but not at my building. He left his job and became lunch aid at her school in the district I teach. He ran for school board of my place of employment. He was hired to work breakfasts at her school.

    My daughter asked why her father isn’t peeking in her art, music, and gym windows anymore?????? This is after he entered my home with my daughter while I was sleeping….. a home I purchased after divorce that he has never been allowed. My daughter gave account to play therapist of her father “fixing the electrical box” of which I noticed drywall chips on the floor the day prior to her coming home and beginning to share. An electrician documented the grounding and bonding wires were loose/stripped which would cause fire or electricution. A strong police report was written. But in front of the court referee, none of these concerns were heard and the police officer, electrician, and play therapist were not even asked to speak.

    My daughter is becoming defiant and disrespectful at school and her father creates the narrative that seems to be heard.

    My 5 year old shares that daddy wasn’t home when she got off the bus, another time she knocked with no answer. When she tried the door, he was asleep in his bed but she got her own snack. 🙁 the things she shares scare me and I am not sure if he tells her to tell me…. to scare me…. or if these things are all true (as my gut says they are).

    I have no contact, meet to transfer at a public place, I’ve had two PPO’s, I do not react or respond emotionally. But, I cannot make this stop and it is hurting and scaring my family (three other children from first narcacist husband who moved out of the country. I am afraid it will hurt my job and most of all, afraid for my daughter.

    I owe so much to attornies, can hardly pay bills (his child support is not reliable though he made three times what I make as a teacher but left his job. I can’t afford NARP but the blog and videos are helpful. I just need more. I’m afraid it is hurting my health.

  • wallachristy@gmail.com'
    C
    April 12, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping us all to see how we can take our power back. This video offers gems for setting boundaries and/or a path to set boundaries if the legal parenting contracts are already in place. My question to you is in regard to very subtle, passive behavior on the N’s part with regard to scheduling or other joint parenting responsibilites. I will offer two examples:

    1. The ex-Narcissistic parent will say they are handling something, not handle it and then as the deadline approaches, blow up at the other parent, “WE need to handle this immediately” basically blame shifting and then transferring the responsibility onto the other parent.
    2. Most pick up and drop offs happen at school so there is limited interaction between parents. However, the kids have sporting events and are unable to take sporting gear to school with them. The parenting contract clearly states the parent doing the drop off is reponsible to deliver these items but the ex-Narcissistic parent puts the onis the other parent to pick items up from the ex-N’s house, knowing that if it doesn’t get done, the kids will be left without their gear for sporting activities.

    The behavior is very subtle and tricky to identify as manipulations or abuse. And, it is not the occassional passive act that makes it challenging, it is the countless other ways that the ex-Narssisitc parent’s passive behavior brings about challenges for the other parent. The other parent accepts this and handles everything that the ex-Narcissistic parent drops on them at the last minute. But from my perspecive, it seems the ex-Narcissistic parent is still dictating and controlling the situation, often times leaving the other parent to jump through hoops or clean up a mess caused by the ex-Narcisstific parents lack of responsibility.

    Do we have to accept and live like this or is there a way to enforce a new boundary?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 12, 2018

      Hi C,

      You are so welcome and it is my pleasure.

      This is the thing about narcissists often when they subtly yet insidiously break boundaries, it is all to do with the angst caused to the other person … the all important knowing they cand affect another.

      In many ways trying to enforce these boundary violations legally is costly and feeds them the fight they want.

      My deepest suggestion is release the angst from within. Grant zero energy or attention to it and truly it can shift … and or a way forward for you that will eliminate this issue will become completely apparent to you.

      Often the narcissist just stops expending energy doing ‘that’ thing anymore when there is absolutely no payoff of you being energetically truggered by it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Dawn@leadershipeduc.com'
    DK
    April 16, 2018

    Thank you for the video, I do appreciate hearing your perspective and feeling more confident that parallel parenting and little contact are both the best ways to handle the situation.

    I do want to discuss, however, not addressinf the narcissists lies. My new husband and I are both healing from our narcissist first marriages and we both have daughters. His way of dealing with the narcissist was to be calm, parallel parent, and ignore her sociopathic rants. He did not address the mountains of lies the ex told his two girls, and, unfortunately, they now believe every lie. Although he, himself, abhors lies and lived it, and was very truthful to his children, it wasn’t enough to counteract the lies. Both of his girls are now narcissists themselves (both adults now), and his ex and girls even went so far as spread lies to distant family members about the both of us to triangulate them against us knowing we were becoming closer to many in the same geographic location. In the meantime, we are living our own lives, focusing on us and not the drama, and had no idea of the lies being spread.

    I have girls of my own, and there are times I correct the lies. The children become confused that dad is telling them one thing and mom another–99% of the time it relates to an activity he claims he didn’t know about (though it was sent to him numerous times), or lies about having paid his share of something (which he has never done since we divorced). I simply hand them the business-like email request showing that it was done, and reassuring them that I am taking care of the situation.

    I’m not perfect, I sometimes react, and I keep expecting him to do the right thing, and I’m seriously working on that. But I am having troubles navigating not discussing the truth with them when I have seen the devastating results of children not knowing the truth.

  • wsandweiss@gmail.com'
    Wendy
    April 20, 2018

    This video really resonated with me because I have adult children and I have already taken the steps to respond to my ex in a clear business like fashion. So I feel good on that front. We have a college graduation out of state next year and my daughter is feeling very anxious about it for many reasons. I’m not looking forward to it either. She only wants family who supported her through her process to attend. Her dad has a new family and they are attached like glue to each other and he is saying if they are not invited I’m not coming, obviously between them. Do I have to plan a party with him or can I just take her and a few friends out to dinner as a celebration?? This is the first time that I have even considered a different option, so thank you for that.

    All your modules have been so helpful and I credit your work in helping me to achieve this level of comfort with myself in regards to my ex. Thank you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 20, 2018

      Hi Wendy,

      That’s great that this resonated with you!

      I’m so pleased you are NARPing and healing 😀

      Absolutely you can plan a separate celebration! That is what Parallel Parenting is all about!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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