Melanie Tonia Evans

Leading The Way For Your Children

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

One of the hardest (if not the hardest) jobs in the world is to be a parent.

Where is that handbook!?

Certainly, many of us have had our struggles with being parents, and after being narcissistically abused and seeing what this puts our children through, our parenting overwhelm is even more accentuated.

How can we heal our children when we are barely surviving ourselves?

Why is our selfless desire to make sure they are okay before we attend to ourselves NOT working?

I know that so many of you, like myself, have been tormented by seeing the pain, confusion and acting out that your children are doing, yet feel powerless to help them.

This is why I passionately wanted to do this video so that I can help you make sure you are are doing everything in your power to ensure your children grow up as conscious, empowered Thrivers, able to happily, powerfully and authentically generate a great life for themselves.

I really do believe, this is one of the most important Thriver TV Episodes I have ever created, where I explain WHY the things we are doing for our children are not helping them and how to recreate our parenting in ways that will, as well as their future generations.

 

Video Transcript

 

This Thriver TV episode is for parents, those of us who are existing parents and for those of you one day who wish to be parents. If you are not a parent, you may wish to pass this information on to someone who is because truly I feel that what I am about to share with you today is the most important information, as a parent, that you could ever know. In fact, this information is so impactful that not only will it affect your children, but also their future generations to come.

I don’t know about you, but I used to be a very hyper-vigilant mother. I thought I knew best. Here I was traumatised beyond measure, falling apart at the seams actually after narcissistic abuse, but believed I knew what was right for my son.

He was struggling. He was angry, scared and confused. He didn’t know how to process what had happened to myself or him as a result of the narcissistic marriage that we had both suffered, and he was left with this nervous wreck of a mother barely eating and functioning, whilst simultaneously feeling shockingly guilty about what I had put him through.

I was being called up to the school for his poor behaviour. He was terribly depressed, and he was starting to turn to substance abuse. The more he acted out, the more I tried to drag him off to people to help him get better.

And what I didn’t realise at the time, is what most parents mistakenly believe after narcissistic abuse, that our own wellbeing should come after our children’s. That we don’t need to look after ourselves until we make sure they are okay.

And I know how initially this is so counter-intuitive for us, needing to spin this around and look at in a much better way, the way that works, which is my son, and in fact all our children, don’t need other people to help them get better, they need us to get better, and then they can get better.

Our children come from us, and I believe at the Quantum Level that their cells, as a reproduction of our own, are involved in ‘quantum entanglement’ which means that cells that are separated by space can be intrinsically interconnected, meaning when one shifts the other simultaneously shifts as well.

I have seen so much evidence in my own life of this with my son, as well as thousands of other Thrivers who report in most days the difference with their children as a result of their own healing, that not only do I believe this to be true, I feel it as truth deep within my cellular being. This shift happens even when we don’t see them and certainly even when we have not physically imparted any information to them. It simply occurs organically, that every shift we do in our own body has a flow-on effect to them also.

Try this on for yourself. I want you to say this out loud three times ‘Where my energy goes is where my child’s energy goes’. Now feel how your body responds to this statement, not what your head would like to say about it, because it’s the feeling in our body that is always the real gauge of whether or not something is true. If it feels powerful, warm, solid and real, these are ‘real’ statements.

Now let’s have a look at how we can actually lead the way for our children so that they can be the happy, healthy, empowered, real people with great deservedness and boundary function that it is their birthright to be.

 

Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First

There is a very good reason why aeroplane safety information includes putting on one’s oxygen mask BEFORE trying to assist others. If you are gasping for air what good are you when trying to rescue someone else? In fact, you could do them more harm than good.

Think about this: when you are highly traumatised and feeling horribly guilty about what you have done to your child and triggered into all sorts of inner wounded programs, how is your ‘coming across to your child’ going to appear.

It will appear exactly like mine used to with my son, ‘off’. Controlling, anxious, needy, powerless and absolutely not leading from example.

Why on earth would you believe someone trying to sell you a health program if they were obese? Would you take advice on property investment from someone living in a home crumbling around them?

Why on earth would our children listen to our suggestions about how to get better when we are a red-hot mess ourselves? Our children aren’t stupid, they know when we are not alright, and quite frankly they really struggle to be right until at least one of their role.

 

Don’t Lie to Your Children

The huge mistake that I also used to do is trying to hide things and telling lies to our children to protect them. I don’t know where I read it once (maybe someone can enlighten me on this or a similar study) that families with lies were even more dysfunctional than ones with more severe issues such as addictions IF honesty prevailed.

I really believe this for a variety of reasons, every child is incredibly perceptive, they have an active inner being that knows stuff, such as Mum or Dad is sad, not okay, and something is wrong. So, this child asks, ‘Mum (or Dad) are you okay, what’s wrong?’ And then our standard answer is, ‘Don’t worry, I promise nothing is wrong’, yet that is a big fat lie. Our child then thinks ‘Mum or Dad must be right, and I must be wrong, so I’m not going to trust my gut feeling anymore’.

Wow, do you get it? Those of us who have been narcissistically abused, just how dangerous this is for their future relationships? I really hope you do …

Plus, we are teaching our children to stuff feelings, hide them and not be authentic. A much healthier answer would be “Mummy is sad. I want you to know its not your fault, and I will do everything I can to sort this out. Its okay to be sad and have to work through things, it’s a part of what makes us human.’

One of my passionate suggestions to parents who work the NARP Program is to allow their children to know that you are meeting trauma in your body and loading it up and releasing it. Tell them you are going to do a session that there may be some noise when you are letting go of the trauma, but it’s perfectly okay.

They will know how effective and good this is for you when they get to experience the results and see and feel the shift within you after these healings sessions.

Teaching our children by example that when they feel emotional pain and confusion that going inwards to claim and release it and shift it out is healthy and normal, allows children to know that rather than running from themselves, which later sets them up for self-avoidance and self-medicating addictions, that there is a way to deal directly with inner trauma. This is incredibly empowering and liberating for them.

Many Thrivers have reported over the years that their children naturally perform mini Quanta Freedom Healing sessions on themselves, imagining their trauma loading up and releasing through their heads and then bringing light down into the space where the trauma was.

Our children are far more cellularly evolved beings than ourselves, they are little mega quantum machines that can learn such procedures powerfully and quickly, simply by observing what we do, if we don’t hide it from them.

 

Stop Lecturing and Prescribing

As a previously highly co-dependent and controlling mother, I used to sit my son down and lecture him for hours to make him ‘get it’. Of course, to get rid of me he would eventually capitulate and tell me what I wanted to hear, but no internal shift or change had happened.

I learned, when I started to heal myself that he didn’t need to get it, I needed to lead the way and get it myself. If he was irresponsible about not having money or petrol in his car to get to work, I could stop driving him myself and let him suffer the consequences, instead of recusing him and spending hour upon hour lecturing him afterwards.

I learnt this: if I drown with him by doing actions that impact on me and drain my energy and make me sick, then he goes where I do, he becomes sicker also. Yet when I look after my energy and state ‘no’ to being emptied out of my time, energy and resources when he needs to generate his own, then he will go where I do, into empowerment and wellbeing.

When I take a stand for me, he can start to take a stand for himself.

You may want to go through this transcript a few times and really absorb it because it is totally true.

 

The Most Important Way to Lead

You have to become healthy for your child. This is where Quantum Law, I believe, is the most vital to understand when our most precious commodity our children are involved.

It’s this: so within, so without. Whatever you feel within is going to be passed on and will impact your children 100%.

If you feel terribly guilty about what you have put them through, you will continue to act in these ways, and they will receive you in ways that make you guiltier. Lose the guilt, Quanta Freedom Healing it up and out of your body so that it just doesn’t exist there anymore. We have the tools to do this now, for our own and our children’s wellbeing.

The same goes for fearing for your children or resenting the narcissist if co-parenting. Your fear does not protect them; it generates more fear within them as well as more things to fear.

Your resentment does not help them become healthy, empowered self-generative adults. It teaches them to cling to people they will resent.  And then further resent that they are not providing for your children what they have the power to provide for themselves. Detachment from all abusers and a self-generative, effective life, connecting to other healthy, effective and wholesome people.

Your children will never learn this unless they see you detach, work on yourself, lose your negative emotions and do empowered pro-actions to generate a healthy, effective life for you and them, regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

Additionally, your children will see how toxic people (the narcissist) become less and less significant and lose power when they are not being fed by someone else’s toxic emotions.

Ok, so this is where we stop kidding ourselves, that not working on ourselves will cut it. It doesn’t, for us or our future generations. We have to become the change that we want to see for them and not just for them, but also to break the patterns for our future generations, away and up and out of abuse.

And please know no matter what age your children are, all the way from a fetus within you to an adult child can benefit from your shift whether they live with you or not. Quantum engagement is that powerful.

I’d love to help you achieve your shift. To lead the way and the first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course.

So, until next time, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

And I am so looking forward to your questions and comments on this topic which is one I love so much and am totally passionate about.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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57 Thoughts on Leading The Way For Your Children
  • graham_mallett14@outlook.com'
    Graham Mallett
    September 14, 2018

    Good advice.

  • mtbassman5@gmail.com'
    Martin Tomlinson
    September 14, 2018

    This was a great video – as usual, but one that particularly spoke to me as many years ago I went through a very painful breakup when my wife at the time cheated on me a couple of times – refused some counseling and over time forced me to leave her and my four sweet young children. This killed me inside and I have spent years in defeat and pain and torment over it.
    I always loved being a dad and she tore that away from me. My children cried and begged her not to force me out – the memories I have have many times almost totally overpowered me to the point of suicide.
    Anyway – long story short. Watching your video I thought maybe there is hope!?!?!
    Thank you for all you do,
    Martin T

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Martin,

      I am so sorry that you have been through that terrible torment of being separated from your children.

      I truly believe that there is more than hope, and miracles do happen when we heal on the inside.

      There are many parents who have healed incredible things with their children.

      Sending you and yours blessings and love.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lisamarielopez65@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    September 14, 2018

    More than coincidence that you sent this information on this particular day. I just had a similar discussion this morning with my adult daughter about my guilty feelings of putting my kids through the narcissistic marriage. Your wise words on giving myself permission to let go of the guilt, work on myself, lead by example and in turn empower my children is exactly what I needed to be reminded of at exactly the right time. The Universe works in mysterious ways! Bless you, Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Awww Lisa,

      I am so thrilled for you that this has been timely.

      It’s so beautiful when synchronicity works in this way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Crb15@shaw.ca'
    Cathy
    September 14, 2018

    Awesome once again ,,, I have spend the last 2 Years working on me while my teen son stayed with Narc Father ,,,son dumped on me a lot about his father craziness ,, Finally he called me and is now living with me for the past 3 months ,,, he still talks to his Father and I feel he feels sorry for him and I also feel that my son is chasing a father he wishes he could be but will never be ,, broken promises big ones and little ones ,,,
    Thanks for the Great advice Mel,,, we always want to wrap them in our cape and run,,, but I know this is his journey not mind and that was a hard one for me to accept !!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Cathy,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased this has helped you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tgincu@gmail.com'
    Tata
    September 14, 2018

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and helping others. I think many of us find themselves in similar situations you went through.
    Thank you for healing people with your knowledge and light!
    God bless you!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Tat,

      Please know how welcome you are, and thank you for your lovely comment.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jaceyjo2163@gmail.com'
    Jacey
    September 14, 2018

    thank you so much for this!!! I am coparenting a two year old beautiful girl and I have been living in constant fear of what my narcissistic coparent will expose her to and also I fear of his ability to keep her safe. It has been eating away at my soul . I choose to have faith that the universe is protecting us but it does steal a lot of my joy. This was very helpful thank you.

  • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
    Jess
    September 14, 2018

    My ex hasn’t seen our 6and 7 yr olds in almost 2 yrs. They have finally come out of their shell, have started to laugh and be silly and express themselves. Things they didn’t do before because he was very strict and somber..he has just recently warned me that he wants to see the girls and if I didn’t agree I would waste money in court.. They do not want to see him. They are angry towards him. I dont want them to have anger but I also dont want them around him. He is an alcoholic drug user and in trouble with the law. Besides all his Sociopathic and NPD issues.. I am afraid. I’m afraid for them. What do I do? Melanie, you literally saved my life and I tell everyone in every Narc group about you!!

    • badlandsbabe@gmail.com'
      Badlandsbabe
      September 14, 2018

      If the ex has been out of their lives for a solid two years without any contact, save them the pain of having to return to the shell they’ve felt good & healthy enough to emerge from & petition the court for full custody. Your children need love, consistency, stability, & structure, unfortunately when someone is addicted we know where the kids rank on their priority list.
      Wishing you all the best.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Jess,

      I can totally understand why you feel like this. The most important thing first of all is to dissolve the fear with NARP modules and then you will be in the most solid emotional place to attract the right legal help and contest this calmly and powerfully.

      Don’t let his threat put you off standing in your power.

      That is my suggestion to you. Sending you strength, healing and courage.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie
      September 16, 2018

      Dear Jess,

      I understand the pain and fear. Maybe this will help: My kids were older than yours but terrified of being alone with their dad. Similar situation in that he wanted to take back custody and they did not want this.

      We worked with counseling and I documented the situation for court through counselor’s letters. We arbitrated first per previous decree, so we did not go straight to court. I also had the arbitrator meet alone with the kids without either parent. Thanks to much NARP and trauma work, I stayed relatively calm through the meetings with the arbitrator and the ex. The calmer I was the more he came unglued in front of the arbitrator. She saw through the situation and granted the kids the time and space they needed.

      After some work on everyone’s parts when the kids were a bit older they chose to reconcile. That has been mixed, I have struggled with it at times, but tried to see it as their path not mine. Have another post below about being heartbroken… and so the work continues. If you can use mods 1 – 4 enough times to clear your trauma and fear around the ex, (wow did I do a lot of work around that time) you may also find that calm honest strength, and that allows you to effectively support your kids. Blessings and courage!

  • rita.pampel@gmail.com'
    Rita
    September 14, 2018

    Wow! What perfect timing for this video. I have four children ranging in age from 29 down to 14 (3 girls and a boy). Ever since leaving my narcissistic husband in April, I have been very concerned about my kids and how they are dealing with all of this. I have expressed my concern to them, but my oldest daughter and my son, one day in May, said, “Mom, you need to take care of yourself. Stop worrying about us.” Wow! I knew I had intelligent, wise children, but obviously, they “got it” long before I did. They are wise beyond their years! So for the last 3 months, I have been working on my own healing more than worrying about my kids. My kids are overall doing OK, but I know they are still dealing with confusion and hurt as I have been so emotionally detached in my relationships for so long and my husband and I have not come to any real agreement on what direction we are going in the future (due to the fact that I don’t have any savings of my own nor a good paying job, I have not started divorce proceedings and had to move my 14 year old back into the condo with Dad after the offer from a friend for a free apartment for 6 weeks was done, and I often sleep on the couch at the condo for lack of any other place to sleep). In some ways, the three older kids have put up their guard and aren’t as open to me lately because as they are making lives for themselves, they don’t feel comfortable coming to me with their joys, challenges, life questions, etc. because they sense that I am still pretty emotionally volatile. This breaks my heart! I have loved my children since before I became pregnant. I am not a controlling mother who thinks she always knows best and has to know everything going on in their lives; but I want my kids to know that next to God, I love them with my entire being and am the person who will love them unconditionally forever and want to be there for them when they need a cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, an empathetic ear, a helping hand, or whatever. What I would like to do is give each of my kids a letter which would explain a bit about how Mom and Dad’s relationship was not healthy from the start, how within the first few months of dating, I started giving up bits of who I was (hobbies, friendships, doing things with my family, etc.) to keep the peace and meet his needs. I wasn’t going to give them any gory, awkward details about the pain I endured in the private part of our relationship, but I feel the need to let them know that the mom they grew up with and think they know is not really the whole person I really am. All the tears and depression they witnessed in me is not part of my true self–somewhere deep inside, that is slowly climbing out of the muck, is a fun loving, adventurous, joy filled Mom. I thought a letter would make it less awkward for the kids to receive this information, than me trying to have a face to face conversation. Then they can decide when they want to read it, how far they want to read it, and they can digest it for a while and then can talk further with me if they choose.

    Melanie, or any other parents of young adults out there in the NARP community: what are your thoughts about this idea of giving them a letter? Or is it best to just let the parent/child relationship organically heal and blossom as I continue to heal and blossom, and let the past be in the past?

    • robinslight@msn.com'
      Self-Love Abundance in progress
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Rita-
      I left my narcissistic husband end of June and have two young kids 8 and 5. I have them in counseling that specializes in domestic violence. The kids and I had a family session after their dad was telling them that I broke up the family and the counselor told me to tell them why I am divorcing their dad. I was telling them that their dad wasn’t a gentleman to me. The counselor said I was being too vague and to be honest. I told them that I want to divorce because their dad is too controlling. I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinion, have my own feelings and that anything I did was never good enough for him. I wasn’t allowed to be me.

      I also told them that I was pretending to be happy for so long because I kept hoping that their dad would change. I finally realized I had to listen to my feelings and honor them and that is why I can no longer accept being married to their dad. I deserve to really be happy. That I am worthy and that I am enough.

      Like Mel said, kids are smart and we need to be honest. I think writing a letter is a good release for you. Tell your kids the truth in person. Be vulnerable. Don’t go into the nitty gritty details. This is my opinion. Trust your instincts.

      Wishing you the best on your recovery!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Rita,

      Truly sweetheart my orientation would be to keep healing Self and all the circumstances will improve as well as your children will shift with this – as you say organically.

      If we ‘try’ to do something in order to make our children different towards us so that we feel better, it doesnt work.

      When we take care of ‘feeling better’ then they can shift to match this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robinslight@msn.com'
    Self-Love Abundance in orogress
    September 14, 2018

    I so needed this video today. Coparenting with the narc has been difficult for me. I get angry and frustrated easily. My kids have been seeing it too, and I know it’s not good. I am letting go of the anger and just focusing on myself moving forward instead of what I think he should be doing.

    I know I am a great mother and dealing with my emotions and healing my inner child wounds is the best way to lead by example.

    Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Self-Love,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you and you are very welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    September 14, 2018

    Hi Mel

    Great topic and one I regularly worry about. It feels so true the statement where I go my child follows and I have seen it time and time again in my son’s life – especially as he has been brought up by only myself. I have often been open and honest with my son about what is going on albeit a bit filtered down from the full intensity or sometimes not! But I have often worried about oversharing or overburdening him or treating him too old for his age – loss of innocence too young. which can happen sometimes – it did with me …however I grew up in a house full of secrets and lies and it tormented me and I would probe and ask questions or act out until I learnt to bottle everything up too. Then it imploded for my by mid 20’s all the bottling up of trauma, secrets and shame and I ended up becoming firmly the family scapegoat, once again.
    So true what you said about learning to disregard your gut instincts and so important..Still learning to respect those gut feelings to this day age 43. I see in my 9 year old son a conflict between his gut feelings and the way he thinks he needs to be to be ‘right’ or fit in at school etc. So I hope by learning to become more true to myself I will encourage him to do the same…I have learnt over time, with added help of NARP also, to deal with my issues before worrying about his development and issues myself, but I just always attended to him first out of worry or guilt and didn’t have enough time left to do me! Self care is so important in trauma affected family.

    One question remains though for me…I have parents who are coming to end of life not having healed or resolved their pain and trauma which is obviously hard and scary for me (mother in late stages of Alzheimer’s now and father stuck in immature narc behavior patterns with women, family etc and depression despite going to therapy for few years it’s not helped him) So where does that leave me…I have to be the one not to go where my parents go and break the chain – although I fear for my health and sanity too at times as it’s so overpowering the effects of my upbringing and parenting.

    Anyway I thank you for raising this topic as I feel its THE most important thing to deal with in healing ourselves and our future generations!
    Much Love
    SJ XXx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi SJ,

      That is so beautiful that you have great awareness and care for your son, and like all of us we do need to let go and trust their journey as well – which is not always easy!

      Regarding your parents, like many parents they could be unlikely to awaken and heal in this lifetime.

      Because you are conscious and doing the work you can stop the pattern at you for you and your future generations – absolutely.

      If you doubt this and fear that you may not, then these are specific beliefs system shifts that you can target with your Module work – then you will have peace around this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    September 14, 2018

    Dear Mel🌹
    What a beautiful video ! So true- and I haven’t realized that before your video . As parents we shouldn’t say we are okay when we are not. It’s okay to say we are sad and that we are working through that. Otherwise, like what you said, our children learn not to trust their gut feelings- they see we are sad so if we lie about that , they will learn to hide their emotions and not to trust themselves. Thank you for enlightening us on such deeper levels of communication with our children !
    Now , a question: how can I tell my kids how to do a quantum freedom healing on them ? I can’t tell them to ask the question how old are they … that would seem odd ! So should that part be skipped ? Do you have a stage by stage suggestion for a quantum healing for kids ? My kids are 17 and 11.
    Just to mention I have done a lot of modules on myself and have seen incredible stuff happening with my kids. But my 17 years old definitely has a lot of sadness and pain related to me separating from his dad and I want to help him with that.
    Thanks again and love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      Thank you and it is so beautiful that this resonates with you. It’s my pleasure and I love it when this information deeply hits an inner chord with parents.

      I am a big advocate for doing the healings on ourselves to shift out our fears and concerns about our children and then doing healing work by proxy on them – if we have their permission at a soul level, which can be checked intuitively or as a muscle test. I think until they are adults seeking the healings, then they can do them. And then the ‘age’ would be whatever their intuitive answer is just as it is with us.

      If they really want to do the healings, rather than us trying to make them (which can be a trap!) then I would suggest that there is no necessity to see ‘the age’ they can simply just imagine a smaller version of themselves, no matter how this Being feels or shows up. The actual ‘information’ is not essential.

      Also to get further guidance on this, I can’t recommend connecting to the NARP Forum enough. That will help so much. http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Margarit72@aol.com'
        Jane
        September 15, 2018

        Thank you for clarifying 😊

  • afitchick2000@yahoo.com'
    Cindy Colby
    September 15, 2018

    I totally did this for my kids with their dad! I knew I had to show a good example. I knew I had to stop trying to make their dad angry once I saw my daughter telling her brothers to not make him angry! I worked hard on myself and left the marriage. I thought I was doing fine as a single mom for many years. However looking back I see I was attracted to nacssistic people and got entangled on occasion but worked myself out of those situations. I married a narcissistic person once I thought they were mature and leaving the nest. He totally fooled me! I thought we were going to be in “Christian Ministry” together and he would demonstrate to my children what a “godly” man was like and how to love a wife. I SO wanted to be loved. Now I see I need to rise up and show them I am not needy and get on with my life. Empty nesting has been a transition that was harder than I thought it would be and all mixed with narcissistic abuse and many health issues from my body reacting to the stress of the “crazy making!” I lost my inspiration to be ok for my kids because they do not need me now. I see through this that my life matters even though we aren’t connected in the same home but we are in life even if I rarely see them due to their busyness. I know the Bible says that there is a generational connection and now I see that isn’t just upbringing. All of our life choices and evolving contribute to generations to come. I want to be healthier for them. Their life is important to me! SO my life must be important to me!!!!!! Thanks for this Melonie!

    • Afitchick2000@yahoo.com'
      Cindy
      September 15, 2018

      Should have said, “I knew I should stop trying to NOT make their dad angry!” I am sure people who are going through this or have been through this got it! Our life becomes NOT upsetting the dad!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2018

      Hi Cindy,

      I am so pleased that this has inspired you to heal!

      Sending love, healing and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene Zalewski
    September 15, 2018

    Dear Mel
    Thank for this video. I am with you on the family of lies is more dysfunctional than the one with addictions at least you can see the addictions and now question yourself as to whether what they are saying is true or lose your intuition as a child because they the parents constantly lied to you.
    I have been listening to you for 3 years. It was my precious daughter who is 36 told me that she had problems of self-esteem because I didn’t stand up to my narc mother who controlled the family with my narc sister.
    That did it I signed up for your NARP programme and FOO.
    I have been working on the modules because I know if I get it she will automatically get it.
    Its been 2 months and she now wants to introduce her partner of a few years to me at my home.
    This is big and I know its the work I have been doing.
    Blessings Mel I cant believe what you have gone through to be doing this and clearing the way for us.
    Sending you love and appreciation.
    Irene xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Hi Irene,

      How wonderful you are doing the work and leading the way!

      My TFFOW course is really powerful for pinpointing and clearing Mother and Father wounds. Which help our children sooooo much!

      Great you are taking it to this level!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • chayamushkachaikin@gmail.com'
    Flower
    September 15, 2018

    Thank you so much for this! I really see how much my kids are thriving from my healings.

    I am wondering what a mini healing for a child might look like. My 6 yr old would be very receptive to it, I was thinking to make a audio for him and visual book for him to follow.

    He loves when I help him identify his feelings, where they are in his body, how old they are, what they feel like and how strong the charge feels. I’m just not sure how to guide him to load it up, shift it out and bring light in? All the wordiness that speak to the subconscious are way above him.

    Would a mini healing work on his subconscious like a full healing would? It would definitely help in the moment to self soothe just wondering if it would purge that charge long term?

    Thank you so so much for everything.
    I’ve been searching for this my entire life. It has transformed everything for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Hi Flower,

      I love that your children are Thriving from your healings.

      I would direct him to imagine all his trauma as ‘yuk’ coming into his stomach (his intention is powerful enough to create that) and then releasing it out to top of his head and bringing white light in to fill him, after doing that.

      Our children have such incredible intention and imagination to create the body sensations to grant him a very real shift. Plus his wise inner being and higher self will be involved if you intend that they are.

      Does that help?

      Awwww Flower I am so thrilled for you that this healing modality has transformed your life so much, as it has for me and continually does!

      Bless you and your children!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • chayamushkachaikin@gmail.com'
        Flower
        September 16, 2018

        Thank you for thar response! It is really clarifies it!

        Lots of blessing to you! I think I speak for all of us here, just as we’d jump like a lion to protect our children from hurt, no words can express our appreciation to those who heal our children. And you’re are helping both us and them heal in the deepest of ways. Thank you for you’re mission from the depths of my heart.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 16, 2018

          Awwww darling Flower,

          I am very pleased this clarified, and from the bottom of my heart to yours please know you are so welcome.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          • rowenascotney@btinternet.com'
            Rowena
            September 18, 2018

            i just had to say thank you thank you Flower and Melanie for this conversation on inner releasing and filling with essential love and light, for our children, that they can do this too – what a beautiful gift for life xxx

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 18, 2018

            Awww you are so welcome Rowena,

            And thank you sweetheart for being such a beautiful mother.

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • catherineannelovely@yahoo.com.au'
    Catherine
    September 15, 2018

    I am so grateful for YOU, your love, and the wealth of knowledge you share. You truly are an inspiration. Thank You Thank You Thank You for all you do to raise awareness about so many important issues. Much Love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Awww Catherine,

      Thank you and so much love and blessings to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • katja.brandenbusch@icloud.com'
    Katja
    September 16, 2018

    Dear Melanie, thanks so much for your insights. They are great and so true, I believe.
    Melanie, when you talk about not lying to your children – what would you suggest as a good answer, when my 6 year old asks me about WHY I am being sad? Or angry? The truth would be: “I feel so alone” or “unloved” or “sad that your dad is not the man I had hoped he would be” – but of course this is “too much information” for my little son. What would YOU tell him as a mother? Lots of Love Katja

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Hi Katja,

      You are so welcome!

      I would just say that you are feeling inner pain and loneliness, which is what happens after relationship separations, and that you are meeting it and healing it within yourself.

      You don’t need to go into the specific details.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    September 16, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    WOW – again you hit the nail right on the head. My youngest daughter is going off to college. She doesn’t want me to go with her or let me help her settle into the dorms. So I have been feeling very worried about her safety and very sad that she is pushing me away. My parents (no longer living), my brother, and I, all cherish education. We always helped each other get to and from school. It was a great tradition and time of bonding – and simultaneously letting go. I feel hurt and sad not to be able to share this with my daughter.

    Earlier this year she decided to try living with her dad (who surely acts like a person with BPD or CNPD – you know the story) from whom she caught tremendous pain and suffering when she was small. I have not understood why she would do that, but have supported her with a safety plan and tried to give her space. Also tried to give her decent limits since her dad rarely knew where she was or who she was with and seemed not to care. How very difficult, painful and weird this has all been.

    As my own shifts have continued good things have been happening in other life arenas. Thank you for quantum healing tools!!! So now I am thinking of this one regarding healing the pain I feel around my daughter’s choices:
    Goal: “I am completely fine, I am healthy, happy and enjoying love, abundance and success, no matter what my daughter does or does not choose to do.”
    Going to shift this one tonight. Right now it is a 0 for me. I have become aware that I already embody this with my son who is away at school, and he and I have a great relationship despite long distance.

    There may be an epigenetic component here. Synchronicity – as I have shifted for the last few years various relatives have periodically called out of the blue to tell me things about family history I never knew. Turns out abuse of the women in the family on my mom’s side is long and well known, but spoken of only in hushed whispers in the extended family on my mom’s side. My mom became estranged from her mom, who was also from her mom, and various of my cousins are estranged from their mom’s or dad’s. Now that I am aware of these stories I see why my mom fled the family fold. So I sort of suspect this round of shifting for my self and my daughter is actually more than for just us two.

    Could use a hug and a good cry. Feeling sad. Guess I’ll see how the shifts go tonight. Why does parenting have to hurt so much sometimes? Wish luck please.

    Thanks for all you do Mel. I really needed this video at exactly this moment. You rock.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 16, 2018

      Hi Valerie,

      I love the Goal that you are going to set and work with. That shift will make such a difference!

      Yes, the pain felt of being a parent can be so intense, yet when we learn to shift and let go – more and more – like everything in our life, the pain dissolves and the miracles start appearing!

      You don’t need luck sweetheart, you just need dedication to the process (which you have) and the rest looks after itself!

      I so, so believe in the epigentic component, it is beyond powerful!

      Sending love and continued blessings to you and yours sweet lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
        Valerie
        September 17, 2018

        Thanks, Mel- love to you and your also 🙂

        I did the shift last night. It was pretty huge, really saw past life stuff. Going to write another short story about the past life stuff today…

        Still sad this morning, altho better. Any other suggestions for goals n thi moment we all might work with?

        Thanks –

        xo (7 (= harp symbol, for courage)

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 17, 2018

          Hi Valerie,

          It’s my pleasure, thank you for your love back and it’s awesome you are in to it.

          Sweetheart come into the NARP Forum where we can really dig in with you on this one!

          This is not so much the platform for the concentrated NARP work hun.

          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene Zalewski
    September 16, 2018

    Dear Mel

    What is the TFFOW course you recommended for me to do?
    Thanks.
    Irene xxx

  • Siochain70@gmail.com'
    Aingeal Gra
    September 18, 2018

    I’ve found this to be true. As I heal, my kids seem to as well. I’m curious though about ‘quantum entanglement’. If the non-Narc parent heals and the Narc parent has gone in to ‘narcissistic collapse’ due to massive loss of supply, wouldn’t that impact the kids on a cellular level. My kids don’t see their dad but they suffer from some low moods. I put it down to their current estrangement from him, but am now wondering if it’s a connection of sorts to his current state of collapse?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2018

      Hi Aingeal,

      I truly do believe the good overrides the trauma. And when we clear ourselves of the toxic pulls, ties and psychic enmeshments, our children uplevel to their True Self state too, because that is where the soul is always efforting to go to.

      If we are concerned for our children we can also do Quanta Freedom Healing by proxy for them, in our own body, which can target and release any specific issue that we suspect they are going through.

      Which can be a helpful added boost to build their inner being in these circumstances.

      I hope that helps explain!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Siochain70@gmail.com'
        Aingeal Gra
        September 19, 2018

        Wow, I hadn’t considered doing it by proxy. I’ll definitely give it a go. Thanks Mel. x

  • rowenascotney@btinternet.com'
    Rowena
    September 18, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you so much, so important and inspiring and all of your work around parenting and children helps me and my son so amazingly much xx

    One thing that struck me though, as the last message too, is on ‘quantum entanglement’. I noticed a huge fear come up again around my narcissistic mother whom I haven’t seen for over 10 years, through choice and ‘escape’ and am still doing the inner work… with Narp and TFOOW ….the thought of this cellular connection made me very fearful and anxious. It shows me areas I still need to work on…

    rowena x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2018

      Hi Rowena,

      You can nail that fear and clear it.

      All released trauma delivers you to your True Self grace Rowena.

      It is just trauma which is not Who You Are. It only has power when we don’t meet it and release it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕

  • riamiller3@yahoo.com'
    Maria
    September 19, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    My husband and I have detached from his narc mother for a few years now. I am still healing from the trauma. I have come a long way. I was very resentful and angry at first. The bitterness I really have wanted to release for good. I feel that it is a continual process by with the grace of God I see that I have progressed. I still struggle though. When I talk about her with the kids I tend to go on and explain and defend myself a lot.(I have had a lot of people voice their disapproval of our decision to detach.) My kids, one son especially, have pointed that out to me. He is the youngest and at first didn’t understand why we weren’t visiting his grandma that was like a real life Santa Claus to him. He says he understands now but he notices that I still get upset thinking about her. I have just sat with him and told him that it makes me sad and when I’m sad I often get mad. He feels sad too sometimes. We just talk about thinking about other things and enjoying all the blessings around us. Maybe someday she will change and that would be great . Until then, as a family we rest in God’s plans and blessings for us. My husband and I hope that by modeling resiliency and contentment that our kids will grow into healthy adults. I welcome your advice and encouragement .
    <3 Maria

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2018

      Hi Maria,

      It is very difficult on a human level to release the toxic trauma of narcissistic abuse, so please don’t be hard on yourself for it being a struggle!

      I much prefer to do the work at a Quantum Level (the letting go) because then we are able to perform cellularly what we simply can’t do by ourselves.

      You may want to check out how this can be done here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    September 23, 2018

    Animals and plants can feel if their owner is healed too. We can impact everything.

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