Melanie Tonia Evans

4 Shocking Ways Narcissists Bleed You Financially

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Sooo many people in this community have been taken down financially by narcissists – myself included.

And it’s terrible … because you may have lost everything you’ve worked your entire life for, to someone who you know manipulated, connived, lied to you and was in the relationship ONLY for their own selfish benefit.

It’s devastating and it’s beyond cruel.

How can we stop this happening to us now?

And, how can we shore ourselves up so that this will never happen to us again?

If we are going through this right now, how can we overcome all the reasons WHY we keep handing stuff and money over despite our inner being screaming at us NOT to?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I share with you the 4 of the main ways that narcissists can deceive us and mine us to get our money, assets and resources, causing us to be bled dry whilst they get to live the life they want (without paying for it) and have their messes cleaned up by us.

It is my greatest hope that this information will grant you clarity, strength, deservedness and the power to say “No” so that this never happens to you again.

 

 

Video Transcript

Many people in this Community have been bled dry by narcissists and lost virtually, if not everything, they have worked their entire lives to achieve.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to have a deep look at the four ways that narcissists can do this and how we can heal and recover, as well as shore ourselves up to not let this happen again.

Today’s episode is really important because most people who are susceptible to narcissistic abuse are generous. We are people who like to pay our way and do the right thing. And we want to give and share, but we may have very poor boundaries. Perhaps we struggle to say ‘No’ because we may not wish others to disapprove of us, and if we have a great deal of unhealed co-dependency we may even feel like we have to earn other people’s love and approval by giving what is ours to them. Or perhaps deep down we feel like it is our duty to fix, save and help people so that somehow, they will look after and love us.

In my past, absolutely I suffered financial abuse from narcissists, and as a result of healing and becoming a source to myself, there is no way that this could happen to me again. Now, when mining happens in my life, I shut the gates, and say ‘no more’.

With healthy boundaries and awareness, you discover the people in your life who are real, fair and generous behave very differently from those who feel entitled and are takers.

Narcissists absolutely fall into the second category.

Let’s get started on four of the main ways that narcissists can bleed you financially.

 

#1 Guilting and Threatening You

Narcissists want what they can take, it’s that simple. They feel naturally entitled, and according to them what is yours is theirs, and their over-inflated ego believes that you should be paying for having the privilege of them being in your life.

This person is an expert at picking your weaknesses to work over in order to get what they want. For me, my previous terrors of abandonment would easily cave into a narcissist saying to me, “I will only stay with you if you prove you are committed to me. If you don’t help me out with ‘X’ amount of money when I need it, I won’t believe that you are serious about the relationship and I’ll leave you.”

Or maybe the narcissist will tell you how you are so selfish for hanging onto your inheritance, or that it’s not fair that you earn more than them, or they will tell you the reasons and justifications why you owe them and should give them what they want.

You may relate, giving in to a narcissist in order to try to ease your guilt, keep the peace or make them stay with you, or get them to stop abusing and punishing you and of course hopefully, start loving you more.

Rather than granting you the desired result, the narcissist doesn’t comply with being grateful and reasonable. Rather, they know they can get away with it and that you will be a supply of cash and resources to give them the lifestyle that they want but won’t earn themselves, as well as bail them out of their continual overspending and financial disasters.

This is where we need to heal our fears of C.R.A.P. (fearing criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment) when it comes to every aspect of ourselves, including money.

When we know our worth and truth regarding our resources, we realise grown mature adults don’t try to get other people’s money, (do we?) and certainly wouldn’t expect and feel entitled to it. They take responsibility for themselves.

When we work on our terrors of saying ‘No’ so that we can do so without the fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment, we know we are willing to lose it all to get it all. If this person leaves us because they can’t get what they want, so be it and good riddance. We deserve better. We deserve real, whole and kind people in our lives.

And we need to lose the fears of, ‘I may never get another chance at love’. This is exactly the unhealed wounds that cause people to be taken in by internet scammers and send them money abroad, which of course is a terrible sociopathic trick that vulnerable people have fallen for.

When we love ourselves enough, we know we would much rather be with a healthy self-generative adult who has their act together.

Additionally, assisting someone who is not taking responsibility for themselves is not teaching them anything. I like to give to people in need, on my terms, because I want to extend that help and not because I am scared of what they may or may not do if I don’t.

There is a huge difference.

 

#2 Mining You For What They Can Get

Narcissists may come into your life with grandiose shows of love bombing, showering you with affection and gifts, and then you start to see that the money and giving has terrible strings attached (in the case of the altruistic narcissist) or that this person’s previous generosity completely goes once you are hooked.

Or you may be dealing with a parasitical narcissist, who from the early days has very shallow pockets. These narcissists seek people who earn good money and who are generous with it. Parasitic narcissists stand back and allow other people to pay for meals out, food, bills and all amenities without offering. They have an air of superiority about them which is selfish and entitled.

This type of narcissist arrives empty-handed to functions and dinner parties, or at best, only takes their own alcohol but would never consider a gift of gratitude for the guest’s generosity. These people don’t consider doing what is kind and appreciative, let alone offer.

This is the person who goes to functions where plates of food are required and arrives empty-handed and helps themselves to whatever they want, doesn’t take gifts to birthdays but absolutely expects and asks people to bring ones to theirs.

This is the person who will ask you out and then state they don’t have any money with them or tell you that they haven’t been able to get to an automatic teller machine. This person will pile goods into a shopping trolley for themselves and then stand back watching you pay for it.

This is the type of person that helps themselves to everything they can get their hands on when the opportunity arises, with no shame at all, no thought of other people or how someone else may be put out and just believes they are entitled to take whatever they can get.  This person is testing you to see how far they can go and if you will continue to pay for them.

What could seem or be declared as ‘innocent’ can get so much more serious in the future. Be very aware, any of it is bad form. It’s narcissistic. If you are living with someone who sits back and doesn’t contribute, you are being mined. If you don’t start speaking up and laying boundaries, they will continue to bleed you dry.

This person is looking for a ride that is as free as possible and will be piling away money or using it for whatever they want on themselves or their future, whilst you are funding their life for them.

After you lay boundaries, expect comments like, ‘Would you like me to pay for that?’ instead of just doing it. Also expect, when you speak up for money, they will throw in your face anything that they did pay for.

When you are in a healthy, honest, kind and generous relationship, you would never be having tit for tat conversations over money with people.

Take note of someone’s character. Their character is their character. People who are mean, parasitical and self-absorbed are people who lack conscience, credibility and consideration for others. This is a pathological person, and when we are healed enough to know that we deserve generous, real and honest people, we would never tolerate someone who is mining our resources for their own selfish benefit.

 

#3 Combining Accounts, Businesses and Property

If a narcissist knows that they are on a good thing financially, they often will seek to enmesh quickly with you. By winning you over and gaining your confidence or guilting or threatening you into putting their name on a title, creating them as director of your business, paying for renovations on your property or even marrying you, this helps them get into your financial life.

Then they can start extracting out for themselves what they want, as well as ensuring that things are too complicated for you to easily leave them.

No matter how a deal is cloaked with a narcissist the dice are stacked well and truly in their favour, as you will painfully discover when you start to see the conscienceless financial behaviour unfold down the track, filled with justifications, excuses, lies and zero accountability and remorse.

I strongly suggest against joint purchases, joint accounts and legal ties with anyone, until you have spent a great deal of time with them and know them to be of sound and healthy character.

It is so, so important as adults to be a healthy source to ourselves, emotionally and financially so that we don’t get sucked into any deals and ventures with narcissists who may make us believe we need them, or because of our own unhealed wounds, we do it to stop them from abandoning or replacing us.

This is what myself and so many other people tragically learnt with narcissistic relationships, any choices we make financially from a place of fear or emptiness, makes our greatest financial fears come horrifically to light.

Protect yourself, have healthy boundaries, draw up pre-nuptials and don’t consider a relationship with anyone who wouldn’t agree to that.

 

#4 Creating Your Dependency

If we hang out with sick people, we get sick. The sicker you get, the abler narcissists are to confuse you, manipulate you and help themselves to what is yours without you realising it. A very sinister way that narcissists can take over your home, assets and funds is if you have let them because you are just not well enough to handle matters.

It’s horrible, because if you can’t work and function, you believe that you need this person in your life to survive, no matter how abusively they are treating you.

If you have severe anxiety and depression and can barely function and get out of bed, then the narcissist may be in charge of the bank accounts, funds and assets and can do whatever he or she likes with them.

When you are stuck in trying to survive, wondering if you are the crazy one, (because the narcissist is convincing you that you aren’t well), then the narcissist has a much freer rein to help themselves to what they believe they are entitled to, which is pretty much everything.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard about this and helped people heal and recover from this tragic story, of them getting sick, the narcissist mining them mercilessly, and then when there is nothing else to take, discarding them like emptied out corpses and running off with the next usually lined up financially prosperous supply.

 

Our Lesson In All of This

Money is always a difficult topic, and many of us have had seriously compromised self-worth, as well as defunct financial beliefs. I believe it is all very closely interwoven, and so much of our self-love and worth is about healing our prosperity beliefs as well as our ability to have the difficult conversations, honour ourselves, and have healthy emotional and financial boundaries and intact deservedness.

My healing resources are very holistic, they cover and deal with all of our belief foundations to heal our internal fractures, free us and create us as Thrivers. Whether you know you need to firm this all up for next time so that it never happens to you again, or whether you are overcoming the terrible devastation of being bled dry by a narcissist right now, I can help you.

The first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course which you can do by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And, if you want to see more videos, make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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33 Thoughts on 4 Shocking Ways Narcissists Bleed You Financially
  • carolsheirloomgarden@gmail.com'
    Carol
    September 10, 2018

    I can so relate! At my previous home, 2 narcissists bled me dry, one overtly, the other covertly. Now I have moved away and done your wonderful NARP healing modules, I am astounded at how much my financial stability has improved! Your Recovery programme is soooo worth the small investment, and you have saved my life. Thank you Melanie for your ongoing work to help people who have been Narcissistically abused.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      I am so happy for you that you are doing so well!

      Please know you are so welcome and keep shining your light and Thriving Carol!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • tristanylafleur@gmail.com'
      Tristany
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Melanie. My name isTristany and I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 18 yrs. We have 4 children together and we each had a child from a previous relationship. He chooses to forget about his daughter who was only 3 when we came together and my daughter has blocked me totally from her life no matter how much I’ve tried to reach out to her. I was young and lost when I had her so I made many mistakes but until the Narc came into our lives, we had a strong bond and, now that I think about it, she overlooked my faults and shortcomings. It wasn’t until he came in and not only treated her unkindly but also constantly pointed out my issues, picking fights with me continuously, though he himself had been doing the same things that he was criticizing me for, it was only then, that she too took on his point of view of me. She’s now 24 and I believe that she still won’t speak to me because I still appear to “be” with him.
      That’s the second thing. I know that going “no contact “ is the ideal thing to do but due to my inability to see at the time that I was being abused by a narcissist, and neither did ANYONE ELSE, everyone, aside from his family, told me that he’s a controlling, abusive and dangerous man who should not be allowed around the children. DCF believed that I was just in denial and if I would just admit that he’s abusing me, that I would stop all contact with him. In all honesty, I was thinking, ya, you’re right. He puts me down in front of the kids, he doesn’t allow me to have access to the car keys or money, but they don’t know the truth about me. I thought, I’m a mess, and he’s justified in this behavior. In the end, we were brought to court and at one point DCF offered to give the kids to me if he agreed to sign over his rights, but he refused, which now because he’s never going to willing hand over his powe, not even for his children! In the end we both lost our rights but you’ll never get what happened next! His mother got custody of our 3 boys and now he has more power and control over me than ever. If I want my boys in my life, I will allow him to live with me. All week, when the kids aren’t here, we hardly say a word to each other but when they are, he picks fights with me, usually pointing out that he pays all the bills and I do nothing! He pays the gas, electric and internet…that’s is it! He will treat me like shit when he knows I have money and guilts me into buying groceries even if I had just gone the week before and spent $290. In 3 weeks, I spent $500 JUST on groceries, not including toiletries, take out for 6 people,… I could really relate to you when you talked about how we give because of fear…that’s part of it and I also spend all my money on the family while he never spends a cent on anything except those 3 bills which he has reenforced into the kid’s mind and his family’s,as well, as to why he never has any money…He says, “ I never have any money because I have to pay all the bills while your mother pays for nothing unless I get mad at her” As untrue as this is, and as much as I KNOW everything that you’ve said in the video, I will still do everything I can to prove to my kids, him and even to myself, that he’s wrong. It will never be enough, though because he is entitled or so he believes! My fear is that my children are being sucked into the manipulation and his bullshit and in the end I am going to lose them to him as well!

  • Susyqhill@gmail.com'
    Sue
    September 10, 2018

    I’ve been with a N for 40+ years. I only discovered in recent years why our relationship is so warped. I hadn’t heard of Narcisism. I know a lot now. I also know that I am Co-dependent. I’m considering leaving but have to put certain things in place before I do. We have always had joint bank accounts (yes I gave my power away a long time ago). He has always had the main financial control (eg. final say on expenditures) at the same time and now more so in my nature years, I have had a little freedom with my personal expenditure. As long as it’s not too much too often it’s ok! The thing is, I’m not into ‘stuff’ or the latest gismos etc so I really don’t spend a lot of $ anyway. He buys whatever he wants whenever he wants. My dilemma atm is that our Superfund is in joint names (we retired 2 years ago) and I need to secure my share (half) if I’m to leave. I’m guessing I’d need to get legal advice on that one. I’ve wanted to sign up for NARP but he would know if I use the Cr card and want to know the details of what it is I signed up for. I’m thinking I might be able to work something out with my kids who have some idea what life has been like for me. What a situation to find ones self in at the ripe age of 64. I read heaps of your info Melanie so am much wiser about the personality who I thought was my life partner and soul mate. NOT! Hopefully I can start to heal myself soon. Thank you for the info.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2018

      Hi Sue,

      I so hope that you do connect with NARP and start getting the incredible support from the NARP community, which can help you at this time.

      Sending you love, strength and healing.

      It is wonderful that you are clear about what is going on, and the next step is about breaking free.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nicolap@netspace.net.au'
    Margot MacCallum
    September 10, 2018

    Aside from the devastation of realising that you have given him a way to take all you worked for all your life, for me, there was also the shocking lack of support from my family, who essentially said, “we could all see he was a fake, you should never have trusted him with the home loan, you have no one to blame but yourself”. It was too hard to swallow from four sisters who have been dependent wives working symbiotically with good honest men, sharing any money they earned from investments etc , and living in grand houses with expense accounts. None of the trust or financial arrangements I had in place with the narcissist was any different than any normal marriage where two people are a team building a life and wealth together. My family piled on so much scorn and derision that I became estranged from them as well, right when I needed support.

    I was single and independent until age 40, and supported a husband who didn’t work for eight years. In the last two years, as the big multi-million dollar comeback of his band approached, he coerced me into giving up my two careers because he wanted so badly to support me. He boasted about supporting me all around town. Meantime, I had poured all my resources into our ‘forever’ home – sold properties, life savings, back breaking renovations that doubled the value of the home (while he watched, knowing all this value would come in handy when he forced me to sell).

    Sure enough, once I was totally dependent with no way back (and also wheelchair bound), he left. He took all the equity from our home loan account, hid the millions he went on to earn in the year of separation somehow (my lawyers and forensic accountants could never chase them down because they were most likely in off-shore accounts), and left me homeless, disabled and broke. The conniving effort he went to to ensure that I was left with nothing and completely slandered and blamed by our community was totally traumatising, so then I had four years of acute PTSD to deal with as well.

    My narcissistic sociopath (psychopath) did all those things. He was intelligent and cunning, at the same time as being hugely irresponsible and extravagant. He loved to give me expensive gifts from money I had paid into the home loan!(I only found out later as he lied about music royalty payments and the like). This ‘generosity’ hid his true intentions. The coerced dependency and clever juggling of mortgages and bank accounts was central to his scam. Later, I found that he had done this to four women. It’s how he made his living in between ‘comebacks’ every decade or so with his band. That fact alone was totally re-traumatising. Those poor women. The poor next one!

    I agree with Mel. That old model of joint bank accounts, shared names on titles etc left over from the days when women were dependent on males is out of date in a new age. Unless we look at our unions in a similar way to business partnerships, where our own interests are clearly stated on a legal document somewhere. These evil types are way too cunning and deceptive for kind generous souls to keep up with. Even if we had been warned (which nobody does) we could not have even imagined how low a person would stoop because we are just not like that ourselves. I thought I had done my due diligence to establish his character for three years, but everything changed the day after the wedding. He suddenly ‘ran out of money’. He pretended to be someone he wasn’t for three whole years of love-bombing so he could get his hands on everything I had, then bided his time for another six until his ticket out arrived.

    I am healed now (still housed homeless, broke and now long-term unemployed – we can’t get a new job in our ageist fifties). He will always be a parasite with a long legacy of broken lives. It is tragic. And the Truth is pretty much exactly the opposite of the public image for this ‘legend’.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2018

      Awww Margot,

      Sending you many healing wishes, you so deserve them after what you have been through.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Rafferty
    September 10, 2018

    i do believe Melanie that you were my first coach. How I found out what in God’s name I was dealing with. Many many years married. I stayed as long as I did, no one would believe me. He was the saint & I was the bitch. My own family was a good part of the reason I stayed. I didn’t come from one, it was 3. I was trauma bonding from a mother, with her own hands caused a brain injury. Almost landed 6′ under at 5 years old. I knew nothing about narcism. He was a wonderful boyfriend, but I don’t think I ever fully trusted him. I handed over my pay check, which wasn’t very much, to add to the bill paying money. He took my SS & without asking. When, he got his 401 K he didn’t save a cent & gave just about the whole thing over to our girls & they gladly took it. He ends up in medical building & eventually out of state. They think PTSD. HA!!!! He gave POA to our son-in-law. My son-in-law & my daughter stole everything including my SS, which I eventually got back. My son-in-law I let use our SUV, because I don’t drive. He made me pay for the car insurance, because they couldn’t afford it. I lost everything including my dog. If they could have gotten away with it, they would have put me in home, to keep stealing our money. I was seeing a specialist, at the time & she scared them silly with the threat of court. They finally dumped me at an apt complex, because I knew too much, including he hurt me & my daughter. My husband told me he would gladly go to Hell with me & sent me the biggest Bible I ever saw. Shortly after that, I went no contact which was 3/26/18 shortly there after, I did the same to my family & haven’t & won’t break contact. I am already starting to heal & grown quite a ware of the dangers lurking everywhere. If there is a Mr. Right out there, he will have to find me. I’m not looking. A few more people have just started opening to me & we became FB friends. My one friend is amazed t has been months & I haven’t even tried to talk to me. He loves younger women & I know he tried to infect me with HIV, but not ready to talk about that. I don’t think he’s a narc, because he could care less what he looked like & he is very dangerous. My doctor before he retired knows more & he told me whenever he gets out get a restraining order against him. I had a detective involved, but he bailed, didn’t feel like handling it. Spiritual hoovering can things go missing, fall to the floor & buckling metal sounds occur. My daughter had a cat like yours, but smaller & I love that color on you. Thanks, for you, being you, Melanie!

  • lisahoggarth@hotmail.com'
    Lisa
    September 10, 2018

    I’d really like to say something about this, with all due respect and deepest compassion to all those who consider themselves victims of Narcissistic Abuse, etc. I am an open minded person, so I have explored this topic, among others to try and understand the demise of a relationship. I really don’t think anyone is born this way, I believe we are all inherently good at heart? No… I don’t seem to get it, thank you.

    • Angieparsons992@gmail.com'
      Angie
      September 11, 2018

      Dear Lisa

      Thank you for your honesty. As someone who has been helped immensely by Melanie’s work I will try to explain briefly as I once felt as you do about people being inherently good.

      To be in a narcissistic relationship means that nothing can appease the narcissist no matter how hard you try.

      You could argue that this type of person is ‘good’ as it forces those of us that need the lessons to have them.

      Often the abused ones are constantly trying to improve their marriages/relationships but are thwarted at every attempt. It is the relentless pressure from their behaviour that backs us into a corner with knowhere else to go but towards our own pain so that it can be healed.

      Do I see my ex husband as good? To be honest, no but see the good in the lessons I’ve had from him.

      It’s a very complex subject and took me many years to even realise I was being abused (emotionally, not physically) when others could see it.

      Best wishes

      Angie

    • nesilaw@outlook.com'
      "Aneas"
      September 11, 2018

      Hi Lisa, Yes, I’m in agreement with everything Angie just shared! Though heartbreaking and sad, this stuff is REAL & it’s devastating to peoples’ lives. A seared conscience is a dangerous thing, and there are many people out there operating in these hideous behaviors as a lifestyle…..unmoved by their negative effects on others! Only by the Grace of God can any of us change (including these type people),…but it’s communities like this that God has used in my life to wake me up, protect me, and bring me into a place of Healing! I’m responsible for owning my own stuff, but He’s showing me that I cannot own what belongs to someone else. Hopefully that helps!

    • robinslight@msn.com'
      Self-Love Abundance in progress :)
      September 11, 2018

      I’m open minded as well. I like to think people are good.

      When people show you over and over and over again who they are, then you have to believe them. Narcs will constantly say one thing “I’m so giving, I have a big heart and love everyone, I take care of everyone around me” yet their actions continue to be the opposite. They show you that they are takers, they only care about themselves, they only take care of people around them when others are watching to keep up their appearance.

  • penny.davies@hotmail.com'
    Penny
    September 10, 2018

    Oh my goodness did this one really hit the mark for me this time round and I was only thinking about the gaps I have with my own lack of financial limits I have in place within myself. I know that I have learnt and collected from my father that being generous was a way to earn friendship and acceptance and joy and then with my mother I learnt that I needed to provide her with financial support from a young age to be the good girl who she then became dependant on. Through out my own life I have seen friends take advantage of my generousness and been the one to give more and secretly hope that I will be given it back in return in someway but that is so conditional. I really want to get out of the giver and taker roles that I am playing out on the inside and living precariously because of being taken advantage of in different situations in the past. How does NARP help with establishing a healthy and fair belief system when it comes to financial boundaries and setting limits? I have the program just need to get going but been in my own mind a lot and am finding it is trying to run the show here. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2018

      Hi Penny,

      You have wonderful self awareness which is such a positive step in the right direction.

      With the use of Module 1 and the Goal Setting Module in NARP you can literally reprogram any defunct or painful relief.

      Myself and other Thrivers regularly do that work!

      You can learn more about how to work with this in the NARP Forum as part of your Gold NARP lifetime membership.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Angieparsons992@gmail.com'
    Angie
    September 10, 2018

    Thank you Mel

    Timely as ever!

    I am at the settlement discussions point of a divorce and your video helped me regarding being too ill to work which is what happened to me gradually over the 20 years I was married. I was beginning to think I was the narc because since leaving I have felt I have needed the money he earns to live on and have had some guilt about that. I now realise that the dynamics of the marriage kept me ill and dependant on him.
    I have been Narping is phases since leaving early in 2017 so will get back into it now for this issue.
    I was always good with money before I met him, prepared to work for it, able to save, not get into debt so know that this is part of me and that I’m not a ‘sponger’. Obviously I hope my health returns and I can be a source to self financially too and accepting of what will come my way from the settlement without guilt!

    Thanks again xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2018

      Hi Angie,

      I’m so pleased this helped you and has inspired you to heal to become your own source.

      Sending blessings, healing and power to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
    Hudson Valley Girl
    September 10, 2018

    I’ve lived with a narcissist for 20 long years. The first 15 years I saw him as a good person, believed his lies, begged him to stop abusing me. He bullied me into subsmission. As for financials… in the beginning I was unemployed. Every time I mentioned “career”, he went bilitistic. Interviews and training programs were met with sabatage to the car (gee, all of a sudden the car doesn’t run- even at the cost of losing tuition)… or, “oh, no gas for you to get to that interview!” But the next day he came home and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. His personality changed the SECOND he knew I had no place to go and no money to get there. I was in a catch 22. If I mentioned “job”, I was threatened with being put on the street with no money or gas in my car. He knew I was stuck, like an animal in a cage. Slowly, the PTSD developed, sense of self shattered, dreams dissolved… Point- it not just bleeding you financially that narcissists do.. they also keep you from making money. So, when I say “let’s go to a movie” and he doesn’t want to see it, he can say “no money”, when there probably was. But, with me not working, I can’t say “I want to go and I’ll pay”. Still in all, during the early part of this nightmare, while still thinking this was a normal guy (who hid his narcissism very well with his manipulations and excuses), he had me borrow money from my friends…. late in paying back, and finally the last friend I had left- he borrowed and refuses to pay back. It extended into my health. I need corrective eye wear. he wouldn’t pay for glasses. I had contact lenses, a lot cheaper. They were to be thrown out/ changed every month. I wore them for 4 months. On my last pair, I begged him for new lenses. NO. I told him they were scratching my cornea’s. NO. No money – we can’t afford them. But, we can afford pizza and take out.. amazing how that works, huh? I ended up in the emergency room, followed by two weeks in a dark room because any light was excruciatingly painful. This is not where you gasp…. Three years later, the same thing happened, another trip to the emergency room. (Now gasp.)

    Ok, so I’m trapped. I got myself on disability for anxiety… and NO, I didn’t tell him. I stashed most of it. My monthly income equaled an average persons weekly income, so not enough to even pay for a roof over my head elsewhere. Since in 20 years I was not allowed to buy clothes or get my hair done, and my car had hundreds of thousands of miles on it and falling apart (which gave him more power since I am stuck at home, and can’t run- even for an hour- when he went manic)… I would buy some clothes at after Christmas sales and say that an old friend in another state sent them to me… I got my hair done 2ce / yr and kept it in a pony tail for a week or two-he didn’t notice. I bought myself contact lenses when needed… and it never crossed his mind that it’s been three years since, in his world, I have gotten new lenses. I told him that a friend is giving me a car no longer needed. (I bought it from my disability). And yes, I constantly sat in amazement and disbelief that “THIS is my life?” I didn’t stay because I loved him. I hated the sight of him. I shook when his car pulled up. I stayed one step ahead of him, because every word had an ulterior motive. There was no time for dreaming, it was full survival mode.

    So, in 2012 we bought a mobile home for a few hundred dollars. It was not livable, but it was so much cheaper than the hotel we were living in. I put the money up, but told him that I borrowed it. I paid for all of the repairs and did all the work. Because of my disability payments, it was structured where I was not allowed to own anything, so it went into his name. The $600 mobile home was worth $20,000… in his name. Always something held over my head.

    In 2015 a friend in another state bought a house for me, a fixer upper. He knows nothing of this evil human being I’m living with. The house was set up in an LLC. If my friend dies, his will states that the house goes to me. If I die, he sells the house. You’re thinking “Run, Forrest, Run!” No, I need the $20,000 to make the house liveable. It sat vacant for years and filled with mold and cracked plaster and no appliances. Yes, I brought the narc along. At least he can do the work I can’t do like electrical and plumbing. (You can laugh now….) I thought I had it planned. I told (lied) the narc that I have 3 years to get a mortgage or we have to move. So, the house has to be finished fast. In reality, I want the house finished and thought with a deadline of losing it, that would back him off the resistance of me working. We’re approaching 4 years and the last room, the bathroom, has sat with no drywall, vanity or toilet for a year. I can do drywall/ painting. I can’t do plumbing/ electrical.

    There are times I want to say “OUT! LEAVE!”. But with CPTSD so bad… I am a shell of a person. I rarely shower, I rarely leave the house, I don’t recognize myself. I haven’t had a choice in years. Every choice has been verbally pummeled with rage or sabataged.

    My disability has been halted because they wanted a review of my case, which means going into their office. Calling them took months of vomitting prior to calling and hanging up while on hold. Why? Social Security is like a gun to my head. The letters/ calls received are the gun, the message is the bullet. My life depended on this. And I was too terrified to face them. Think tight rope walking over Niagra Falls type of fear. So, it’s gone.

    The upside is- I told this narc when the house was bought, that we have to pay 50% of market value in rent, and the other 50% is in labor for rehabbing the house. The truth is- we only have to pay taxes. Oh, utilities, of course. We CANNOT touch that rent money. (Did I see an eye roll?) Yes, the money was borrowed from. There is no rent. I call this “battle pay”. And I am stashing it. So the tables have turned. Here’s the game… there’s a catastrophe- dog sick, car repair, etc. I told him we can’t afford the dog years ago. (He abuses the dog). He told me that “if you get rid of the dog, I’ll burn your house down”. And he will. So, its borrowed against…. then paying it back is ignored, hoping I’ll forget…. then when push comes to shove I hear “I PAID IT BACK” or “I DIDN”T BORROW THAT MUCH” and when I show him the receipts, he refuses to look at them and says “YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, DON”T YOU!” and still denies it.

    So, here I am… almost 60, one third of my life gone… a shell of a person… isolated… haven’t had a two way conversation of substance in YEARS… failing health from stress… and broke….. and trapped. And, I’m slowly realizing that this is a slow painful death from now until my body can take no more. And daily, I wonder if this is it for the rest of my life…. it’s not worth it.

    One of the financial gains he plays is- brings home paycheck…. spends a good portion on HIS food for the week, and anything else he needs. By Sunday night he says “Here’s whats left”.. which doesn’t pay the bills or my food. Or, he comes home on Friday and says “what are the bills?”, He gives me money for the bills, goes and buys himself food, keeps $10 for his morning coffee, hands me the balance for my food. ($30 for the week.) I do not leave the house unless he’s at work because he’s a thief, so I plan on buying food on Monday. Seems that on Sunday he didn’t buy dog food and the dog will starve… he didn’t put enough gas in his car and he won’t get to work. By Monday I am down to $10 for food for the week. I’ve lived off of cereal and hot dogs, one meal a day, for the past month. He knows I am not going to let the dog starve and have him lose his job. Last night he said to the dog “your mommy is too cheap to buy you food”. Of course I went off on him that he has money, and I need food… and, I know, he doesn’t care.

    I cannot see an end to this ever. I used to strive to build a life… before him… then I strived to find a way out… then I strived to survive. Now I’ve come to terms that the only way it’s going to end is if one of us leaves this earth. Option 1) he stays- I slowly die from stress beyond measure, because this is not living. Option 2) he leaves- I slowly die with no way of supporting myself. I envision utilities getting turned off one by one… food being scarce…. and it’s over. I just don’t have the energy to try to fix this anymore. I’ve tried to “fix this”, “fix me”, “figure a way out”, “survive”, etc. for years.It’s taken it’s toll.

    The only peace of mind I get is knowing that I am and will always be a good person… he will always live in his absolute misery.

    • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
      Hudson Valley Girl
      September 10, 2018

      Correction…. (can’t find “edit”) First sentence… “First 15 years…” No, that is “First 5 years I saw him as a good person”. Then the red flags. Then the “planning to get out of this. trying to outsmart him”, then the survival mode and shaking/ crying/ praying…. then the house…. “

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      September 11, 2018

      My N hated my job too. He didn’t want me to work and it just didn’t seem logical. I remember getting a raise years ago and he went ballistic and went on a rant about how I would never amount to anything and would never make as much money as him yada yada. I refused to quit my “dumb” job. He was one of those people that sometimes helped with the bills and sometimes not. I am very conscientious and hate this behavior. One time I handed him a stack of envelopes to mail (he went right by the post office on the way to work). He never mailed them. A few weeks later I came home and switched on the lights (no electricity!).

      I had girlfriends that had dealt with partners that refused to work or contribute too. Their solution was to quit and stay home with the kids. Their men stepped up to the plate! The strategy worked. I had a gut feeling this guy of mine would just not do that. I knew we would end up living under a bridge in a cardboard house if I stopped working. Breaking up with this parasite was virtually impossible. I could not get rid of him! He wouldn’t stay home and take care of our son either (to save on daycare). When I proposed that idea he acted like it was a huge insult!

      So slowly as he proved himself unreliable I shouldered more of the bills and responsibility. I stopped counting on his paychecks and only counted on me. It was the best thing I could have done.

      His behavior does seem to run in his family though. His sister managed to live rent free for many years off a friend until the friend got the guts to just kick her out. They bought into her sob story. Ex-sister-in-laws who were married to his brothers say that his relatives would come to visit “for only a week” and weeks later they would still be there – rent free. It would be nearly impossible to get them out! Sometimes they would find some sucker to rent them an apartment – only to pay the rent the first few months and then run up a considerable tab with the poor landlord.

      • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
        Hudson Valley Girl
        September 11, 2018

        No Name— It’s amazing, isn’t it? That to us, logically two incomes is peace of mind I often think, “you bullying me- you pummeling me into submission with rages to keep me from working is costing you tens of thousands of year. Is THAT how much your power is worth?” I think he thinks, if I work I can get away. If I work, I’ll talk to people. If I work, he can’t throw it in my face “YOU CLEAN! You don’t do anything all day!” If I work, my full attention won’t be on him. If I work, I’ll have choices, and he loses his control. When I mentioned work or career years ago (cause i finally gave up), he went into a rage beyond description. I often thought “he’s acting like he’s literally fighting for his life”. LIttle did I realize, he was. He was fighting for his life= power= air to breathe as a narcissist. Then he tells his family that I don’t want to work. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) And, yes it runs in his family, too. “What can you do for me?” seems to be the family motto. YOU fix it, YOU clean, YOU borrow money cause I can’t pay my bills on time. (He will have the money, but in his world- a bill owed on the 4th of the month, mean “sometime during the month”). Add to the narcissism, family history of schizophrenia and addiction. (Whoopie! The tri-fecta!) Sarcasm… Good luck with your nightmare. I’m glad that you have control (peace of mind) of your finances. That’s a major sense of “self”. And sorry you can’t get rid of the leach. I keep saying “this too shall end”.

    • maureenkirkland@att.net'
      Maureen
      September 11, 2018

      I would run away to a homeless shelter for women of domestic abuse (and don’t leave the dog!)

      • jraltizer@gmail.com'
        No Name
        September 11, 2018

        Absolutely! Don’t leave the pets with them when you go!

      • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
        Hudson Valley Girl
        September 11, 2018

        Womens shelters are packed in my area, and women with children come first. And, you get 30 days. That is definitely not enough time to heal PTSD and get working skills to support oneself financially in my area. Rooms for rent are as much as apartments in the worst of areas (think- stepping over needles on the way to your front door).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2018

      Awww Hudson Valley Girl,

      This entire community sends our love to you. I am so sorry you have been through so much.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
        Hudson Valley Girl
        September 11, 2018

        Thank you. Appreciated.

  • kris.wallace1980@gmail.com'
    Evolving Heart
    September 11, 2018

    Thank you so much Melanie for your heartfelt guidance. It helps me so much. I am a man who met a narcissist who lived abroad. We had met a few times and fell, it seemed in love. Of course, as things progressed I had to be the one who left their country, learned a new language, adjusted to a new culture etc etc. She said she had no intention of doing it. I was happy to do so because of how much I felt for her.

    The expense of moving country was huge. I was going to be spending a small fortune to relocate. She used to tell me we were soulmates, a team who would share every challenge. So, I asked her if she could please go 50/50 with me on the ‘plane ticket as I was really struggling. I will never forget the disgusted, shocked look she gave the webcam before she told me “What? Get it yourself! What kind of a man are you to ask for money? You’ve got to take responsibility for yourself.”

    I told her I was paying 95% of my own way but really needed the help. She got angrier and said “Well, you’d better pay every penny of the gas money I have to spend to pick you up.”

    Red flag Number 2, at the time. If only I’d listened to all the ones which came later! I’m 4 months No Contact now and listen to you as part of my recovery.

    Thank you 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2018

      Hi Evolving Heart,

      It’s so great that you are No Contact now and are healing.

      It truly is the only way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robinslight@msn.com'
    Self-Love Abudance in progress :)
    September 11, 2018

    I am truly blessed that my narc is such a selfish person when it came to finances and wanted to keep our money separate. Even when he was making $30K a month he wanted me to continue working as he says I was still on trial to be a stay at home wife. Thank goodness I never passed his test and continued working. We kept our finances separate so I had my own money and would pay child care, groceries, utilities and kids clothes and entertainment. I saved and saved and was finally able to move out and start fresh, pay for attorney to release myself from him.

    He is trying to get full custody so I have to pay him child support and of course he is asking for alimony even though the prenup that he insisted on states no alimony.

    Recently, the narc asked me many times to come to dinner with him and kids since it was kid 2 birthday, that he doesn’t keep things separated as I had already thrown a party for my kid without inviting dad. I asked my kids and they wanted me to come, so I sent along. We are done eating and guess who conveniently didn’t have their wallet? I refused to pay even though kid 1 was insisting I did because they wanted to go home and play with the new toys from the birthday. I explained that if you are invited to dinner you do not pay. The narc ended up telling the server to take the tab to the manager to pay for it since the ticket time was too long. I was so embarrassed, but held my ground. I did end up paying some of the tip while a sister in law paid the rest.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2018

      Gosh SLA in P,

      How wonderful you are keeping your boundaries! Wow the way he was certainly has worked in your favour.

      Power to you Dear Lady!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • corinelaf@gmail.com'
    shaking my head
    September 11, 2018

    I was NEVER one for joint anything EXCEPT for the kid making and if I knew then wheat I know now, I wouldn’t even do the kid making either! Or stop at one. Though I say this, I have no regrets in having them. Now back to financial. My challenge is now at 49 and it’s been years I have been seeking a job is how to get back on my feet, pay off my growing credit card debt, friends and family I owe and get my own space to call my own and start a healthy life? OMG! When will there be a breakthrough!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2018

      Hi SMH,

      Please know sweetheart that you can breakthrough, it is huge absolutely, yet so many people in this community have achieved it.

      The shift on the inside to feel stronger and more capable so helps with making it possible.

      I’d love to show you how to get this relief and strength http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    September 19, 2018

    The ex liked to control me with money, as well as other things like fear. He was really good at it. I fell for it hook line and sinker. And became less and less functional. So at 55, when I took the kids and left, I had no career, no savings, and compromised health. But I did hang onto the house with the help of an attorney. It is in my name and is my retreat now! I write and teach from here now, it has become so peaceful.

    After spending a fair bit of time on NARP 1-10 and FOO, my health improved. About a year ago I shifted (heh, heh pardon the pun) to working with mod 11 regarding relationship with myself and self sufficiency and work. As I have continued this, I have been more successful no matter my age (now 58). Actually I think I also look younger now than I did at the end with the ex.

    I am teaching music, getting paid for gigs (well, not many but hey – they all count 🙂 and am back working part time for an architect. I also write regularly for two journals, pro bono, and am building networks and bringing in more students that way. It is not yet a living wage combination. But I am now earning more than I have ever earned at any point since hooking up with the ex 20+ years ago. Moving into my own success and abundance, step by step… I am proud of my progress.

    I think I might not still be alive if I had not found NARP. My health was going down in a big way at the end there. I am better now, though much room for improvement. Thank you, Melanie!

    More talks on greater Thriver-ness with self sufficiency would be fabulous. More Thriver stories about coming out the other side of this financial challenge stuff would be great. I know I have a ways yet to go…Healthy balance with all of life – please!

    Maybe more suggested sample goals? I have a distance yet to go to be where I want to be. Maybe there is more I could be doing that I have not thought of yet.

    Thanks – blessings and love to you and yours –

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2018

      Hi Valerie,

      Thank you for you share and it is so wonderful how far you have come. You are such an inspiration!

      I’d love to help you with more Thriver-ness and I think you will love the next Thrivers Life video I put out because it really does relate!

      We can continue this conversation on that thread!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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