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How to expose a narcissist without looking like the crazy one, is what so many people want to do, yet find incredibly difficult to do. Of course, it is beyond traumatising when narcissists lie, manipulate, smear, take zero responsibility for pathological behaviour, and you get blamed for all the problems.

This is why I wanted to write this article so that you could know ā€˜how to expose a narcissist’ the right way.

Be very clear with working out ā€˜how to expose a narcissist’ that you are not dealing with a rational, decent person. The narcissist is never wrong, has zero remorse, care or consideration for others, and is always blaming someone else. If you are in close proximity and things fall apart, of course, you are going to be smeared, and the narcissist will twist and turn information to make them look like the great person and you the terrible one.

You may lose people in your life. Many a person after narcissistic abuse has been smeared and demonised beyond repair to others. Sadly, this is the way it can go but where it can get much more sinister and deadly is if the narcissist can convince key people, including authorities, that you are a bad person and need to be dealt with severely, affecting your capacity to go forward having a happy and successful life.

I want to talk about how to expose a narcissist early on, before we are so dependent and enmeshed with them that our life is severely at risk, as well as how to expose a narcissist when things have got to (as they do/did for so many of us) that stage.

 

Calling Them Out Early On

What is a person’s character? This is essential to get to know, investigate and understand. And if it’s unsavoury, putting up with that and making excuses for it and accepting information that you know are lies is asking for trouble.

Don’t we know by now that going against our inner truth and making excuses for it means we will pay a price? The longer it goes on, the heftier the price we pay.

People are who people are. They are not going to change because we think we can fix them, ride the storms or make up for their character deficit.

Is this person considerate? Do they blame others? Do they take personal responsibility? Do they have a conscience? Does their peripheral embrace others, or is their life all about themselves? Do they pay their way in life, or are they parasitical in nature? Are they entitled and believe they can have and take whatever they want when they want? Are they incapable of apologising when they hurt someone?

If you allow this behaviour to be in your life, you are signing up for more of it. If you call it out, create boundaries, put an end to being taken advantage of and stop covering for narcissists, they and the relationship unravel. A narcissist is not going to want to be with you if they can’t mine you, manipulate you and lie to you. And quite frankly, you need to want to get out too, because how can you have a healthy, happy, sane, safe life under these circumstances?

It is my highest suggestion to not take, ā€˜I can change,’ as an indication that things will get better. A person’s character is their character, it is ingrained. Lack of health in being ā€˜a good person’ is not overcome by someone pretending to act differently.

We all need to get very clear that choosing and hanging with self-absorbed, entitled, pathological people is no different to choosing to eat junk food every day. It doesn’t nourish our soul or spirit. It rips it down instead.

If you are continually taking in toxicity and being polluted with it, triggered by it and abused with it, of course, you become sick. If you are continually trying to stand for wholesome human behaviour with someone who doesn’t have the resources to be decent and simply refuses to take responsibility and get it, you will start going mad.

And then when it all falls apart, you will feel like you are losing your mind and are highly susceptible to being painted as the crazy one.

If we get to this stage, then we really do need to do a lot of work on our healing and recovery to be able to work effectively with ā€˜how to expose a narcissist.’

That work is all about detoxing ourselves. The NARP Healing System is the most powerful, effective and direct way I know of how to do that, hence why there are so many success stories of full narcissistic abuse recoveries in this Community.

 

Exposing a Narcissist With The Truth

Personally, I have found that false selves hang themselves with their lies. They act pathologically, create mayhem that causes scrutiny and then try to lie their way out of it.

If you have the clear-cut facts and are no longer swayed by sentimentality, making excuses for them, or wishing they can be different (which is such a relief and totally achievable when you work with my NARP full recovery system), then you are very capable of executing ā€˜how to expose a narcissist’ effectively.

Document facts. Share them with key people. Expose what has really happened. Keep conversations exposed, transparent and under eyes and therefore accountable.

The narcissist knows you are flushing out the truth and exposing them and will twist and turn trying to find an angle (which of course won’t be the truth) and, if you have your facts, inevitably dig themselves deeper. Very shortly after that they will depart and leave you alone.Ā  The game’s up. Why keep trying when people start working out who they are?

It’s so important, as you walk the straight line in truth, that you have released your trauma and you have no qualms about investigating and getting facts. Be very clear you deserve to know the truth.

What is also vital when working with ā€˜how to expose a narcissist’, is that you have released all your dependencies on the narcissist for anything in your life. The narcissist will punish and desert you and not do the right thing with care, sensitivity, remorse, accountability, money, settlement or custody, and will try to make you ā€˜need’ them in order to continue punishing you and hooking you in.

Therefore, release all these ties, emotional and practical, and become a source to yourself. If you do this and walk and generate your truth, the narcissist will be powerless to manipulate you, hurt you or possibly even smear you. Truly, anyone who believes their version is not worth having in your life, and you will find that so many more credible and real people do clearly get the truth.

What is important is that you know the truth, this person is exposed as pathological and is not healthy or welcome in your life, and you are determined to detox them and create a happy, healthy life for yourself and those you love.

There is no greater up-level, relief and clarity than that.

 

How to Expose a Narcissist In the Workplace

The best way to expose a narcissist is transparency and bringing the toxic pathologies out into the light.

Narcissists operate in the workplace with ā€˜divide and conquer’ tactics. Meaning they sidle up to people and show them preferential treatment, grooming them to be ā€˜their pet’ and start mining them to take the narcissist’s workload for them, be their minion against someone else or whatever agenda they may have. This ā€˜pet’ may not realise that this person is using them for their own benefit by promising them the world and doing it with multiple other people as well.

Additionally, narcissists will not take responsibility, blame others for mistakes and play cover up constantly.

They are, however, not that clever because they are so self-absorbed and entitled they don’t worry too much about being detected. Most people in the workplace know that there is a toxic and even narcissistic person present when one is.

The way to expose them is simple, have the facts or details of the conversations and whatever else you know and raise it in calm and very clear ways in group meetings in front of as many people as possible. Then all the triangulation tactics are exposed. People start to know the truth.

There is every chance the narcissist will unravel and show their true colours when their ego injury is ignited in public. Be prepared for the pathological lies or projections to spew forth, and if you have done your homework then you will usually have the facts to counter these lies, or just remain silent in the face of such nasty, childish retaliation, and the narcissist will dig their hole even deeper, in full public view.

There may be some minions who try to cover up and defend the narcissist, but it is unlikely that when they see the narcissist unravelling that they will risk their own skin as well. In fact, the narcissist may show their true colours even more, by trying to scapegoat the minions.

I know exposing a narcissist in the workplace takes immense courage, but I promise you in this community there are people who have taken narcissists down in this exact manner, calmly and clearly, even though they were of course, pretty terrified about doing it.

When we step into our authentic selves and are willing to lose it all to get it all, then spectacular breakthroughs happen in our lives and for those around us.

Narcissists exposed in this way withdraw. They leave. No different to the myth of vampires, they can no longer exist in an environment where a great bright light has brought who they are and what they do, out into the open.

For more information, you can read my article The Narcissist in the Workplace.

 

How to Expose a Narcissist In Court

It’s so important with knowing how to expose a narcissist in court that you showcase this person’s behaviour rather than try to convince people that this person has a personality disorder. This is done by keeping documentation, being calm and clear with your evidence and sticking to the facts that can be backed up.

Narcissists love trying to intimidate you and gain narcissistic supply in court settings. Therefore, don’t address the narcissist or their lawyer, rather speak to the judge. Don’t sit in the courtroom where eye contact can happen with the narcissist. Ignore their or their minion’s attempts to intimidate and disarm you in the waiting area before walking into the courtroom.

The narcissist is most likely to get triggered, unravel and expose themselves the calmer, detached and directly ignoring them that you are. Loss of power to the narcissist means a severe narcissistic injury where they may explode with irrational and even delusional behaviour or turn on someone else, their own lawyer or even the judge, totally exposing themselves.

To learn more about this you can watch my Thriver TV episodeĀ 6 Things To Look Out For During Court Battles With A Narcissist.

 

Becoming “Anti-Fear”

When knowing how to expose a narcissist, the number 1 criteria is to become anti-fear.

This is what I wrote in another article earlier this year:Ā 

ā€œNarcissists can only get you through your fear ā€¦. your fear feeds them power. It is the figurative bullets that they load up in their gun to shoot you with. When we are triggered by the fear of what the narcissist may do, we react and try to expose the narcissist and frantically appeal to others to help us. Yet, people don’t want to get involved. They shut doors in our face, don’t listen, don’t care, switch off, and even turn against us. And, you are shocked to see how the narcissist twists it all by making you out to be the wrong and crazy one. This can lead you to lose credibility, court settlements, and even your children.ā€

This is why, in every area of our life, love, workplace, court, any situation at all, the inner work on ourselves is everything so that we can show up in our power, the inner solidness and truth, and we just walk this line: ā€˜Really? NO that was not the truth. This actually is.’

Who chooses to believe the truth is really not the issue. The issue is that we know it and we can hold our head high going forward feeling released, resolved and clear that who and what the narcissist is, is NOT our reality.

Then we will be astounded by how the rest of life follows.

The deal is always this: good people have good people in their lives. Once we leave pathological people behind and purge their toxicity from within us, we stop feeling sick. We get well, and so does our life. Whereas, the narcissist’s life is always going to be fraught with disruption, pain and stop/starts. That doesn’t change.

People start to see the truth. Many people don’t trust the narcissist anyway, they get a bad vibe off him or her even from the beginning. How many people in your life have told you that, after you ended relationships with the narcissist, or even when you were in the relationship with them?

Life is really not that great for them, and the more you build and create your life from an authentic space, the more their lies and punishment regarding you falls apart. Know this to be true.

But to do this, we do need to turn inwards and confront and heal all that is being triggered off within us, that is causing us to obsess, panic, overreact and hand our power away.

There are many Thrivers in the community who have exposed and won against narcissists in so many areas of their life, as a result of using NARP to release their internal triggers, so that they show up formidably and truthfully in their power.

As always, I look forward to responding to your questions and comments below.

 

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98 thoughts on “How To Expose A Narcissist Without Looking Like The Crazy One

  1. So what am I too say when your husband constantly brings up your hurtful past over and over and that is a trigger for my reactions?

    1. Hi Marlene,

      What is so so key is doing the work inside our own emotional inner being so that we can be clean and calm without being triggered.

      Otherwise we just hand narcissists the attention, the narcissistic supply they crave, and this disempowers us.

      Of course this level of detachment is easier said than done, but I promise you it is totally possible.

      Iā€™d love to show you how: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Hi this is Joe. I would just be honest and open about everything. Do you treat guys that yiu date good? What about your prior ex?

  2. Well, hello there beautiful woman,
    I do believe you were the first coach that I have discovered, quite by accident. I was studying psychology on my own & some how discovered Narcissism. Thank God, I did. Through the help of such lovely beautiful people, I had discovered what I was dealing with. My story is a very ugly one & I’m married for 50 years. I look very young for my age. I had tried to leave & reported my husband & get me & my girls out of there, but of course, I was called a liar right to my face & bitch behind my back. He was turning up the heat in the midst of summer & he did something with my picture, but not putting on here. I became very ill. My girls believed he drugged me. My eldest said you were there, but not there. He went as far as raping me with another. And I emotionally died. It just keeps getting worse. After that, I really lucked out, because a young woman, in the Marines was being taught selflessness & she reported him. Oh, what she did!!!! He is in prison, for hurting other people, so I’m pretty sure that is going to help me big time. During this time, now five years later I almost died 3 times & I’m soon moving again for the third time. He even tried to give me HIV, but I outsmarted him.I almost went to prison, but my granddaughters stuck up for me. The system tried to break them, but they stayed strong. While he was in prison & I was in denial. which lasted way to long, we were typing to each other. While I was mostly in bed for 9 months & the whole time my drive was what kept me a live, he was my best friend. Once I started healing, his true colors came out & I lost everyone, including my dog, my home, my care, family & two friends. Long story short my trust isn’t very strong & a few more narcs tried turning me into their tasty snack & one was going disgustingly sexual, I knew what to do & how to get rid of them. There was a smear campaign, so many gossip about me, but I found a few good friends, no males. I have a case worker & specialist who support me. My main specialist just retired & told me, when he gets out get a restraining order against him. This is too long of a tail, to put here & I’m growing very hot & the headache is getting worse, I’m moving on & started to heal. I will never speak to this SOB again, nor do I want to see him. He is too dangerous, the word monster fits & I’m terrified of him. He made my life even worse behind prison walls. I do not want to associated with him. No contact from the entire family. They knew he cheated & covered up, but my son-in-law told the truth. My youngest saw him strangle me & got up punching his back, saying “You leave my mommy alone.” So since they witness quite a bit, how on earth can they side with him. Our eldest is his flying monkey, because she wants our money. She & her husband were caught stealing from us everything by a bank. The detective didn’t want to do 4 years & all those lies & he walked away. So I will never take this family back, especially him. When I am feeling good, I will be looking for work. He gave his 401K to the kids & took my social security. Not in a good place, but at least, some people believe me, because I haven’t stopped shaken for over 4 years. A real pain, I drop things all day long. So I want to thank all you wonderful caring coaches I am pretty much self sufficient.

    1. Hi Carol,

      I so wish for your relief, healing and release from all of this Dear Lady.

      You have been through so much and enough is enough.

      Sending blessings, love and breakthrough to you.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Dear Carol, I understand the tension disgust depression, distention and Grief. I am praying that you will have Joy in your life once again. Time heals wounds, but it does not help you forget all that has plagued your life. Let it go and give it to Your higher power, Its most difficult when your still connected, Blessings for Peace of Heart Mind and Soul šŸ’•

  3. I was married to a covert narcissist for 30 years until he blamed me for abandoning him and had (yet another)affair! He then announced to our kids that he was leavibg me ( on Christmas day)
    My oldest daughter has barely spoken to me since. The last communication I received from her claimed I was controlling and narcissistic! Meanwhile the rest of the email was to tell me never to contact her or anyone close to her.
    It broke my heart at the time but I have abided by her wishes and stopped trying to make contact.
    I have been thinking about it recently and realised I am still letting them control me! It us stopping me from moving on healthily.
    Is it normal for children to blame the wrong parent? (She can only see what happened to her and not at all what anyone else has been through or why we may have reacted a particular way)
    Is she his ‘mini me’?
    Is there any hope that I will ever be allowed in her life again? If so will it just take time or should I do something?
    She cannot stop me from loving her (and her kids, even though she won’t let me see them) is it worth trying to contact her again or do I have to let go?
    I’m not sure how to do that…there are obviously triggers that make it harder, it was her wedding anniversary and my grand daughters birthday recently and I wanted so much to just send my best wishes but fear it will make things worse.
    What should I do?

    1. 30 years until he blamed me for abandoning him and had (yet another)affair! He then announced to our kids that he was leaving me ( on Christmas day)
      My oldest daughter has barely spoken to me since. The last communication I received from her claimed I was controlling and narcissistic!

      The same thing exactly šŸ™ Christmas and my kids will not respond to me, claims I just want to control their mother., (while I caught her in an affair) Did your kids talk to you ever again?

  4. I record some of my conversation, and played it back with my friends that were influenced by him and taking his side….. šŸ˜‚ after the record, they switched side šŸ˜†… Doesnt it sounds funny
    But now i dont sweat to win anybody back. I forgive and love myself more than enough, i cleansed my life, started a new life & adventure, make new friends. If any of my ‘old friends’ still wanna be a friend, their the one who need to prove themselves

      1. Could you please respond to Robyn Schmidt’s question? I have a similar situation and am looking for some tools to work through my children completely turning on me. It’s really unbelievable! and so incredibly painful!
        I’m learning to rest in the fact that they are able to make choices, just as I am. I do not strive to “prove” anything to them with the situation, other than the fact that I am their mother an will ALWAYS love them.

  5. Robyn my dear. Sending love to you. I can totally relate. What I can tell you is to focus on you and your healing. Get into the NARP program if you are not already and I have also subscribed to a free 30 day ‘unwind your mind’ online experience which you can access at this link: https://circle.livingmiraclescenter.org/uym30day
    Spending time thinking, wondering and paying attention to those who reject you is not getting you anywhere and is actually strengthening your torture. Whatever you focus on, you will get more of. So focus on your healing so you will gain more inner healing and strength to overcome. I am also reading Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power of Now’ Which you can get via YouTube as a free audiobook and starting Yoga on Sep 5th.
    I am just surrounding myself with all things that will bring me inner peace, to know me again strengthen within. I can assure you starting with NARP while having the other support materials are quite helpful plus self care and love and a great support group like the NARP community plus good friends and of course spending time in nature will be an immense redirection of inner focus for you.
    Karma is real and like I have heard many times, it never loses an address, not that you or I or anyone wishes bad for anyone else but you know what I am saying. Send love from a distance but start loving yourself more because no one else would or should more than you.
    Warm hugs!

  6. This group has helped me so much from dealing with a narcissist. I “ALMOST” thought it was love until he showed his true colors and used my weaknesses against me. Tried to manipulate and lie to me. I should’ve listened to my intitution in the beginning but like most of us we always think we can change someone or hopes that they will change. I have learned my lesson and I am healing.

  7. Hi this article really applies to me right now!
    I canā€™t seem to shift the fear as my narc husband is taking me to court for domestic abuse, violence, affairs etc.. he wants custody of the children and has a top lawyer. I have went no contact since I left him four months ago but now Iā€™m starting to shake as the court date gets closer and I have to sit opposite him.. he has turned family and friends against me and he is doing the same in court. I donā€™t have any hard evidence when it comes to court so I fear I will be punished as he always manages to blame me and look squeaky clean. Please any tips would be grateful. I have just changed lawyer and she hasnā€™t a clue whatā€™s going on.
    Regards
    Anonymous

    1. Hi Jo,

      My heart goes out to you. Please know that within this community, as hard as it is to turn inwards, the best results people have is by doing so to release the fear and the pain, in order to take power back and start operating from a place of inner calm.

      And please know I truly do understand how hard it is to detach from what is happening and turn inwards when we are highly triggered and traumatised, yet that is the fundament of my entire work and mission to help people.

      If you are ready to try to heal what is happening and create a different reality with it, Iā€™d love to show you how http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help you. And sending you strength, breakthrough and healing.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  8. Hi Mel,

    When you say confront and heal the triggers inside of us what do you mean by that using your resource? I had a lot of panic, fear and high levels of shock and anxiety after dealing with two sociopaths who really left me feeling damaged after being associated with them and hooking into a highly abusive situation rendering me as you said totally powerless. I know given insight into how I would have done things differently if I was wiser and not tolerated so much destructive behaviour but coping after so much trauma has been hard to do. I understand what a sociopath is and they have both exited my life but I do want to heal as I still feel I am in after shock even though it has been some time.

    Zaina

    1. Hi Zaina,

      You can experience this process with me personally as a result of connecting to my free resources. There is an invitation to my workshop in there where I take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing where you load up and release trauma directly from your inner being.

      This will help you understand how you can heal from the trauma of sociopathic abuse.

      I hope this helps

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

      1. I was married to a narsisist I went through pure hell in every way humanly possible.
        Idivorsed him in 1996.
        Iv been suffering ptsd ever since iv not been able to move on in my life been on my own ever since. canā€™t trust people now shirley

  9. Hi Sobeit,

    Itā€™s my pleasure and I am so pleased I can help.

    It is so tragic how people can respond to money in this way, and I am so sorry you had to go through such unspeakable trauma.

    It is so wonderful however that you are healing you.

    Wishing you all the healing and resurrection that is yours.

    Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  10. Thank you Mel for this excellent article. Unfortunately when with my narc I became so stressed that I suffered severe memory problems. On a daily basis this phenomenon has more or less subsided and my memory has improved to an “acceptable” level. However much of what went on during the abuse is still very confused in my mind and other things exist as black shadows – I know there’s a major problem but it’s been transformed into a dense black impenetrable cloud! I’m doing ok but im having trouble thriving because I can’t shake off the associated tiredness and lack of vitality. I’m sure I need a change of attitude to be able to move forward but I’m having trouble identifying how to make this shift…

    Much love
    Tuesday

    1. Hi Tuesday,

      When we have still existing trauma wedged in our inner being then it has caused us to be damaged, making our health, memory and operating systems impaired and it also means that we are using vital resources trying to survive and combat it.

      The Thriver Way to heal is to meet the trauma in our body with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) and release it so that we just organically start healing.

      Iā€™d love to show you how this works. Within my free transformational resources is a link to my free webinar, where you can experience the power of QFH and what it can do for you.

      Most people experience a shift and relief immediately.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Hello there, this information is such a relief & so completely spot on, Iā€™m flabbergasted! What do you do when the malignant narcissist is your mother? The damage done to not only myself & my sibling but to our children is unconscionable. Sadly it took so long for me to see that we were victims of this behaviour that it has affected this generation. We are have become united front & confer w/one another as the divide & conquer has been the tool used against one another. I have always felt I handled the stress of mumā€™s behaviour well but my health says otherwise. This article šŸ‘šŸ»šŸ™ŒšŸ¼ SO MUCH IS ILLUMINATED & WE ARENā€™T CrAzY!

  11. I finally discovered that my husband is a narcissist after 18 years of marriage and after he began divorce proceedings (after finding a new woman) and I watched him completely transform in to a different person–who he really is, but now not caring any longer if I saw his true ugly and sad self. I am trying to do all the right things now that I now what I know–no contact, no fuel, etc., but while co-parenting, it’s so difficult. I only communicate when absolutely necessary and ignore his constant poking, but any communication that we have to have about the children inevitably turns into fuel for him–even if he just gets to ignore me, and especially if he gets to ignore me when there is an important request, or a request that has a deadline. I can’t help feeling completely defeated each time this happens and fearful that this will never end because he feeds on these little bits of fuel. Each time he has a little feeding from me, I feel completely defeated. I guess that’s where my work begins–on overcoming feeling defeated, but I just wish I could cut him completely out of my life. Right now I have no friends to listen to what I am going through. Thanks for listening.

    1. Hi April,

      I am sorry you are going through the horrible feelings of discard. It is very very painful.

      Our healing truly is about turning inwards to love and heal ourselves.

      Sending you healing and love.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  12. Thank you for this article. I enjoy all of your advise and articles. I’m so happy to see you “finally” addressing narcissistic situations that requires a person to respond or take some action when you can’t leave the situation. Not a relationship. Me and my family have been attacked by triple narcissist in our church. I’ve written you previously about the situation and the advice is always to leave, which I would love to do but my husband refuses to leave our congregation, but endure the torture. We have teenagers and we have all been effected terrible. We’ve been in this same congregation for 30 years and because there were so many narcissists working together, the 3 women who are the actual narcissist along with their husbands and the people they were able to persuade to lie and do work for them. A result of us staying in the congregation, we were asked repeatedly but those in charge to not tell others what is happening to avoid corrupting the morale of the congregation (I always thought that was a mistake) every single one of them has left the congregation abruptly because of exposure. The adult children came forward and exposed their narcissist parents, telling us all the things they had done to us and their intentions and their years of obsessive hatred for our family all while smiling in our faces for years.
    The problem we face now after they are all no longer a part of our congregation, but moved to another, they still continue to slander us and our children (and their own children now) destroying our once good reputation. Even worse than that, the members of our congregation that we are left with are tainted and different towards us, believing that we are somehow the problem but no one saying a word that would at least let me know what is the thinking. We have been made the toxic family even though we have never had a single disagreement with any of these people. I don’t believe every single person is “against” us so to speak but there is confusion and we definitely seem to be the taboo ones, the ones to not invite places, etc.. This is what I previous wrote you about. How do I survive amongst such negativity and strife? Will the people ever recover and treat us normally? Its as if they are all operating under a trance, we do have one narcissist left that wasn’t involved in the attack against us but she is against us because our daughter married her brother in law??? so weird. I still would like to leave our congregation but will this continue in a new congregation from these same people, the false accusations? We’ve provided proof of their lies and yet no one in charge has made any actions against them. The narcissist lie so much it’s as if everyone is afraid to do anything to them. They have a history of this same behavior, even being attacked years ago by people.
    Do you have any advice. It’s been 3 1/2 years since it all began, with a photo of our then 15 years old that they claimed was a nude photo she posted. We didn’t even see the photo for a year and she isn’t even nude. It’s illegal to spread around a nude photo of a minor. We have a very serious problem and it still continues today.

    1. Hi Frustrated,

      I can understand why you are ….

      This is the most important thing to understand about narcissistic abuse. If what they are doing continues to hurt you – that continues to feed them.

      There is never any amount of ā€˜doingnessā€™ from an inner place of pain and frustration that is going to change what the narcissist is doing to you.

      If we shift on the inside to our own inner temple of peace, regardless of what they are doing, and take ownership that they are helping us heal and release parts of ourselves that have been in repeat darkness and trauma, then – because we have received the soul lesson and have done the humble soul work on ourselves – we can calmly and methodically ā€˜defeatā€™ them.

      If we donā€™t take it to this deep soul level, the ā€˜lessonā€™ our soul is revisiting over and over again wonā€™t stop.

      I really donā€™t know how else to say this to you.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

      1. I love this reply! Itā€™s extremely helpful. I feel like Iā€™ve made many strides and am getting better at how I feel about the situation. I am hurt, deeply. And I worry about what is continuously being said, am suspicious when people are acting differently towards me. I am stunned people would actually turn against us by leaving us out because of what they are hearing. And the funny thing is I had never been a persons that worried about what others thought. But I never felt like people were against me either. There is always someone that doesnā€™t like me/you but that isnā€™t what this is. So in our circle of people/friends my teenagers are left out deliberately and it IS hurting me. I want to leave and go to a new congregation and start over. Since I am forced to stay in this one, I really donā€™t know how to move forward. We do need encouragement and support. Slander is a scriptural things that can bring on murder even and is one of the things God hates. Itā€™s very damaging. So I will continue to try to move forward in my thinking. Iā€™ve been just continuing my normal activities pretending like things are normal, speaking and talking with the others areound me without saying anything about what has happened to me from these narcissists. And no one else says anything either. Iā€™d love to just get over it! Which feels impossible since Iā€™m still amongst the strife and attitudes. Iā€™d onhave supportive friends. I just think this is crazy behavior. And I donā€™t understand why it has been permitted to continue when we have proven to our authorities what has happened. The people lie like rugs.

  13. Is it possible for a narcissist to be “borderline” or have some but not all of the characteristics? The man I am thinking of had many of the characteristics but one thing he never did was tear me down. He didn’t like drama, or so he said, but I feel that from our relationship dynamics that he got power from me being deferential to him.

    It was a long distance relationship so in our 4 years of talking daily and being “in love” we didn’t see each other much but had a great connection. After 4 years he just stopped calling one day with no word of why.
    I had begun asking for more in the way of explanations instead of just taking everything at face value. I never felt lied to until the very end.
    I am trying to put a label on his behavior just to help me understand.
    He seemed to shift blame on others, especially his office workers. But with me he never did. He was always gentle but kept a safe distance emotionally.

    I feel that somehow he had figured out a way to control the really bad things that narcissists do so that he could carry on without the drama.
    And I feel his “supply” was in my manner toward him… never asking much and being available to talk to him whenever he wanted
    In the beginning, he told me he wanted to marry me but as time went on he didn’t speak of it much.

    We laughed a lot and really enjoyed each other’s company but from the way he abandoned me, I know he didn’t love me like he said he did.
    We got to know each other well and of course, I still remember the good things and miss him but don’t think I would ever trust him again after him leaving so abruptly without a word.

    If anyone has anything… any insight into this please write back.

    It has been 6 weeks since he abandoned the relationship and I am just now able to not cry every day.

    1. Hi on-the-mend,

      It really is impossible to say, other than he more than likely started a relationship that granted him enough supply to not need you anymore.

      This I do believe about being in relationships that are not nourishing to our soul … such as narcisstic ones.

      We make excuses for behaviour, whether itā€™s non commitment, unavailability, objectifying, pathological lying, cheating or whatever it is.

      We make deals in our own heads such as – ā€˜yes but he she gives me space … or isnā€™t abusive … or is or isnā€™t that.ā€™

      Yet, if we are honest with ourselves there are things that are seriously wrong, we are not aligned with our soul truths and we are being dismantled not supported and loved healthily.

      Then one day the universe steps in and says ā€˜Enough, you are NOT getting it. This is NOT a path of love that is aligned with you. Time to rip it away so that you face and heal you, so that you can be true to you.ā€™

      Your soul wants what life wants for you – the very best.

      He wasnā€™t that – at all.

      Iā€™d love you to hold my hand and start healing http://www.melanietoniaevabe.com/freecourse

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  14. Hi Melanie,
    Your videos have this magical quality…they activate the unconscious mind, and all kinds of stuff comes to surface that might or might not be related to the particular topic!
    After watching this I suddenly thought; I have always felt “resistance” towards this healing work, even though I know very well by now, how important it is, to show up as the true self, release the trauma, setting boundaries etc.
    Then I had this aha-moment: My (unconscious) fear seems to be, that if I’m healthy, firm, do not accept disrespect or any crap or bizarre behaviour from men, if I say no and set boundaries…that will scare men off (the good, decent ones). I will be turn off for them. They will think that I take serious relationships indeed too much seriously, that I’m boring, inflexible, cold, rigid, that I’m too much to handle, that I’m too much demanding, that I’m difficult, too much “high maintenance”, that men do not like this kind of “strong women”…in other words, men will not like me, I’ll be alone and unloved.
    Another huge aha-moment I had today: the past 20 years I have been belittling myself, accepting abuse, abandoning myself, have not set any boundaries…has this “modus operandi” worked? Does it help to attract healthy men and healthy relationships? No it does not!! šŸ™‚ It attracts the exact opposite šŸ™ I have already attracted 3 n men. 3!!
    The unconscious beliefs are so ridiculous, illogical and stupid, intellectually I know this. But they were probably formed from the perspective of a traumatised 5 years old child, we cannot assume a child would have very much logic when forming these beliefs šŸ™
    It’s often so mind-boggling trying to understand how the “mind” works. My mind seems to think, that it is unsafe for me to show up as the healthy, whole me, when the opposite is true. Showing up as the unhealthy, traumatised me in reality has been huge risk for me, for example attracting these dangerous men. I read that the first priority of the mind and body is to keep us safe. Maybe that’s why the mind does not easily want to let go of these old beliefs, even though intellectually I understand I really should. This “journey” is indeed not always easy!

        1. Hi Julia,

          NARP truly isnā€™t something that we just go through, QFH is an ongoing journey to continuously heal and evoke ourselves from a limited old self into the new Self that works in so much easier and more fulfilling ways.

          I do it every day I am in quandary, pain or confusion.

          If you confront, load up and release these questions from within you, then the soul answer and truth will replace that.

          Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  15. Thanks for the article. I have been through the wringer. Married to a narcicist for 9 years and trying to get divorced/settlement for the last three. In the course of this time I developed anxiety and severe depression. In the lead up to legal proceedings with my second lawyer ( first one was hopeless!) I was asked to write up everything that had happened in the marriage. This sent me into a spiral as did the news that a good mate had pashed my ex in the family home where he still lived-which my kids told me about. I spiralled down. I was frantic. Couldnā€™t sleep, pacing all night, had my mother move in, overdosed on loads of meds and ended up in a psych ward. This was over a year ago and now that I am well and healthy, I am haunted by the harm I caused to myself and my children. I am struggling to move past the shame and the horrible memories of being suicidal and psychotic. Legal proceedings are going ahead and I am ready for the smear. Iā€™m just trying to shore up support nd boost my ability to stay healthy hence why Iā€™m looking to this community. Thanks.

    1. Hi Shakeyheart,

      You have been through so much and that is totally understandable that you feel that way after what happened.

      I would really love you to know that with my healing method you are able to reach and release the trauma and live free of it.

      Have you linked into my inner transformational resources yet? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      The inner work makes such a significant difference in how we heal.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Oh Shakeyheart, my heart feels for you !!
      The shame, fear, confusion, disbelief, pain, isolation, loneliness, hurt, betrayal, insecurities and a whole host of emotional crap that goes with this trauma is debilitating and paralyzing but you will survive !!! Iā€™m convinced that if you survived 9 years of that abuse you are very strong and will survive, recover and thrive !!! You were hit hard, possibly blindsided and it got to you but donā€™t let the shame of your breakdown deter you, itā€™s ok, itā€™s ok to not always be strong. You luckily survived and sounds like you are mentally and physically healthy now so stand up for yourself and your children and move on with your life, donā€™t let him ruin one more day of your life. I feel like the best way to get back at them is to show them no emotion, show them how strong you are, show them you donā€™t need them and that you are better off without them and go out and succeed !!!!! I think our strength and survival crushes them !!! And as far as the smear campaign the only thing we can do is ignore it and let people see who we are and what we are it takes years but eventually people see it. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope things are going well for you. Iā€™m not exactly how I will get notified if you ever comment again but hopefully I will see it somehow because I would love to know how youā€™re doing !

  16. Please tell me if there is any special doctors or hospitals you can go to to get specialized help for this. I am desperate.

  17. Hi Mel,

    This is accurate, beautiful advice!

    You have helped me gain insight into, and validate, my own truth enormously!

    It is a blessing to feel understood and to not feel alone :)- You are a blessing!

    xoxo

    Stephanie

  18. Another great article! Thank you. I had read before that it is best not to confront the narcissist, at least when just dealing one on one with them. Do you find this true as well, or do you find that when done in a clear and calm manner, one can expose or confront the narc in a private manner? I did do this in the past, before I had read up on it, and am still not 100% if my standing up for myself, and speaking out against the lies, as well as drawing a clear boundary of what is no longer acceptable. I did so, not as the same person who was once in the “relationship” with this person, but instead as the survivor who was naming and speaking out against the injustices. I hit hard, every word was true, and it took a lot of strength to say it, but i felt i needed to voice what i saw and what was real, since i had silenced my voice for so long while actually “together”. Would love to hear your own experience around this, as mere walking away and moving on in silence was not chosen in my case. I did feel the psychic, energetic backlash from having done so, but I also feel it closed the chapter of fear, and began a new story of speaking my truth. However, it was a complex scenario with a 3rd party involved, who is a public figure, and married. I also, questioned the 3rd party to gain a better sense of the truth of the stories that were told, and I was snubbed, which gave me even greater pause, as to what was really going on behind the scenes, with all the secrets and lies. However, doing so, has potentially brought me under greater scrutiny and therefore caused more attention on the matter, which in itself is a little exhausting to be dealing with still. It doesn’t bother my emotions or heart, it doesn’t hurt….but it does still come to mind and leave questions as to what I really got myself into, so wanted to reach out with some words and ask for any advice or experience you can offer up in response? Much love. Nova

    1. Hi Nova,

      This is the thing, one on one with a narcissist they are not going to understand, validate or honour your reality.

      They are only going to do whatever works for their agenda at the time. This could be momentarily appear to ā€˜hearā€™ you and ā€˜getā€™ you, with you only to find out down the track that your words have been meaningless to them or even twisted and used against you with others.

      Hence why ā€˜no contactā€™ personally and seeking transparency and accountability under a light with others present in communication.

      Truly the solace, healing and having our voice is between us and ourselves. The greatest statement we can ever make to a narcissist for closure is ā€˜no moreā€™ and ā€˜I want nothing to do with youā€™.

      Then our true healing can begin.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. nova,
      Would appreciate learning more of your details. I am in what may be a VERY similar situation involving a third party and a married public figure. I have been used in their triangulation and I am still reeling from all the lies and manipulation that I cannot move forward without the puzzle pieces. I am feeling the strong urge to expose him, but I know that if or when I do, my life will be completely ripped apart. Yet, I am living in hell not gaining the closure. Torture.

  19. Thank you Melany for being my sister in helping me to thrive over narsisism. This is so much comfort and righteousness for me. My own sister has turned so much against me to be with the narsisist. Both of them, my mother and my sister have now such behavior against me that it is becoming deadly. I feel it coming inside me now. Happily in these moments I know to retreat from them completely, to later find out devastation has come on them.
    But this deadly thing is so new for me to experience and scary, it looks like I cannot have any contact with them anymore for my own health. Oh, I could use some advice.

    1. Hi Dineke,

      Absolutely it is scary and terrible to discover that people are capable of behaving like that.

      You are totally doing the right thing by detaching and not feeding them any energy.

      Please know that my healing processes are able to help release the trauma we feel insife so that we can be calm and empowered in the face of this.

      To connect to my feee resources to check this out you can go here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

      1. Dearest Melanie,

        This is all new to me.My husband and I have been business partners for over twenty years with a narcissistic woman. Up until recently she had been a silent partner because she had been involved elsewhere. After that business fell into ruin, she is in full throttle with us here. We suspect that her husband may be aware of her disorder; however, he no longer tries to keep her at bay, as he is much older now and tired. At times, he seems deeply depressed. Because she had been away for so long, we were unaware of her pathology. Recently; however, she viciously attacked my character and tried discrediting me to my husband. The evidence clearing me was empirical which my husband brought to her attention. This episode unfortunately has not been isolated and so many people are getting hurt. We are able to isolate ourselves from her as she is ruining (excuse me Freudian slip) running the restaurant and we are running the store. She hires mostly young people and as part owners I feel responsible for people we had put in her wake and these young people. To make matters worse, we suspect that the chef we hired is also pathological. We had hired this beautiful, talented, experienced young woman to run the front end, whom she and her minions ganged up on, tortured and then fired. Please advise before she destroys our business which she seems hell bent on doing.

        1. Hi At a loss,

          It is really true that narcissists get worse with age.

          The thing is we cant make a narcissist change, but we can make our experience change with them as a result of us being the change.

          The first choice is No Contact which would mean severing the partnership, which I am assuming in this case would be very difficult, and may require a big payout for her to accept and leave you. Or her paying you out and you regroup somewhere else.

          Yes, there will be loss but can we ever put a price on our soul, sanity and wellbeing? I dont believe so. I have also seen people rebuild gloriously after leaving n’s behind, no matter what the cost – me included.

          The second path is to get out of all fear and intimidation and confront her calmly and powerfully as a United front about all your concerns. You also may have other disgruntled people who you could call to the meeting.

          Then any sniff of behaviour or smearing, again you shone a big light fearlessly and calmly and solidly on all the facts and expose these facts to as many people as possible with her being a part of this.

          This is when narcissists unravel, just as a vampire does if you shine a light on them.

          The reason is because narcissists cant bear it. If they know you are no longer fearful, intimidated, pulled in and affected, and you just lay solid boundaries instead, without caring about the rubbish they may do as repercussions, then they fold.

          They have no power against you, capitulate and usually have to get out of your proximity at all costs.

          However, the real stickler here is, even if you go for option 1, the narcissist will fight dirty, smear and try to destroy your life.

          Which would mean you would need to be fearless and powerful to go on, in your confidence and truth, no matter what she tries to throw at you.

          So, regardless of the options … YOU have to develop, grow, release all your fears and step into your True Power – which is the greatest gifts of narcissists… They really force us to take that on.

          My greatest suggestion is to come into my Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freemasterclass

          As this will help explain how to do this.

          Option 3, would be to stay the same, which means things will get worse and worse until you take on this development and take the boundaries and stand.

          If you do take on the development, you will be free to create in the future with no one like this ever being able to get their claws into you again.

          I hope this helps and sending you power and good wishes.

          Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā™„ļø

    2. When you speak of ā€œdeadlyā€ Iā€™m concerned that you are literally meaning that your or others lives are in danger, if that is the case please contact the local authorities immediately!!!

  20. every single answer leads the victim to being cold detached robot-like in response to a narc. We are warm people with feelings and emotions and we care. Yet we have to grey rock, seem so stable it is quite unnatural in the face of extreme stress and high high consequences if you do one thing wrong. The pressure is enormous to become this rock solid person who acts more like a man than a woman. To become so deadened to any triggering that you are almost not human.. and much like a narc themselves. I worry about the long term effects of all this pressure to leave being a woman and a mom behind… as usual no answers to this, just an observation

    1. Hi Sarah,

      Even through grey rock can be an effective tool to not feed a narcissist narcissistic supply, I much prefer complete detachment that can occur when we do the inner work with NARP to have cleared our trauma out, regarding the narcissist.

      Then the triggers become so much more subdued that we are legitimately no kinder emotionally effected by the games that this person plays.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Sarah Smith,
      So very true !!!
      Itā€™s hard to be something weā€™re not all in order to survive this.

  21. Melanie I just feel need to share my story. even if it is not the correct post to so.

    For the almost a year I have been going emotional adventure and am still going through this year.

    I have only seen my son 3 times all of which was in court except for one, for a total four hours since was 2 months old . He is now 14 months old and i have missed out on 1 year of his life and most of his milestones. The mother has an ivo out on me based on fasle allegations, which she has no evidence and which I am currently contesting. and had a child protection case against me base on falsehoods and exaggerated truths. And while the child protection case against me is was dropped as they found no evidence of risk of Family Violence and even voiced some concerns of the mother. She doing everything she can to paint me the villian and portray herself the victim.

    I have missed the most important early milestones in his life that i will never get back.

    But Throughout my ordeal I have chosen hold my head up throughout out it all. The thing is 99% of me want run and bury my head in the sand and yet I have chosen the 1% of me that says hold your head up, stand your ground, when every part of me want to run and give up. And I fucking hate it. I hate it because I wanna run and give up, but I chose 1% that says stand your ground and and hold your head up. And I’m struggling to understand why I’m choosing the 1% and not the 99%.

    1. Hi Matthew,

      I am so sorry that you have been separated from your son, that is so painful for you.

      I think it is wonderful that you are taking a stand for your child Matthew, it is what any loving parent would do. It must be incredible hard for you to persist, but what else is there to do?

      I wish you and your son breakthrough and a loving reuniting.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

    2. Matthew Jornor,

      I can tell you why you are choosing the 1%, itā€™s because you know the truth, you know her lies, you have hope that the truth will prevail and because you love your son !!!
      Donā€™t give up, remain calm and steady, donā€™t give anyone any reason to ever think her lies are true. And whatever you do donā€™t give her any supply…..I will pray for you !

  22. I exposed the covert-narc in his workplace after discovering a workplace affair. He manufactured a facade of being an honest, hard-working and trustworthy family man. At home, he was lazy, irresponsible, distant and neglectful. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that exposing him saved my life. The parasitic lifestyle he led was making me disintegrate.

    Exposing him wasn’t done in haste. It was carefully considered and thought through. He went in to ‘narcissistic collapse’ because the workplace was his ‘pathological narcissistic space’ and the main source of rich, unquestioning supply. He resigned, as did his affair partner and one or two flying-monkeys. His retaliation was vitriolic, disorienting and traumatic. I saw a side to him I never knew existed, but I am grateful for it because it led to me discovering ‘Narcissism’. Researching and understanding narcissism helped me heal and I signed up to NARP.

    From what I’ve read, my understanding is that some narcissists are going to be very dangerous and unpredictable when exposed. I wasn’t in any physical danger from him, but I’ve definitely been re-traumatised by his other methods of retaliation. I don’t have a single regret though. Exposing him was the first step in my healing.

    If you’re going to do it, be smart about it.

    Thanks again Mel for sharing your wisdom.

    1. Hi Aingeal,

      I agree, itā€™s able to be done and we need to be working on our inner being with great diligence whilst walking this line, so that we can hold it without being derailed.

      Itā€™s my pleasure Dear Lady!

      šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  23. Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this wonderful website. I have just found you, and already I am feeling hope.

    I have signed up for your free course and webinar, which I am looking forward to.

    My question is that I grew up with a narcissistic mother who to make it worse has bipolar, I stay away mostly and have minimal contact with her. My current problem is that I think my son is a narcissist, I am almost 100% sure but I still have doubt about how much of a narcissist he is. He is 20 and still lives with us, his father makes excuses for him until it gets too much then vents to me, but when I vent to him, he makes excuses for our son which is very frustrating.

    Do you have any blogs addressing the issue of dealing with narcissistic adult children? When I googled this most of the advice is to be more loving and that will fix them, which I think is a load of crap. I am a very loving person and tried my very best and then when I get responses like love them more because they didn’t get the love they needed in the past, that just makes me angry, like it’s my fault. No I know he was born that way and I am not taking the blame, just because I am his mother. Even typing this makes me feel both angry and guilty, I just need some help to clarify this so I can get my head straight. Am I wrong, is it my fault? God I hope not. The reason I think I’m not to blame is that I have another son and he is nothing like him.

    Thanks for reading and for any advice or articles you can suggest.
    Jean:)

    1. Hi Jean,

      Itā€™s my pleasure and I am so pleased you are feeling hope.

      Please know that as you start to work with my inner transformational tools it will help grant you relief, power and relief for the difficult circumstance you are dealing with with your son.

      Also please find this resource which I hope can help you.

      Also please know in the NARP Forum there are others who are dealing with this too who can help grant you guidance, if you start working with the NARP program.

      I hope this helps

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  24. Hi Mel!

    Somehow I missed this blog when it first came out. I don’t know if you’re still reading comments on this, but I at least wanted to give it a try.

    You so NAILED IT with the info about the narc in the workplace! It is really helpful to see it written the way you wrote it. It helps me see it more clearly and objectively without the emotion clouding my sight.
    At the time I ended up at this particular job, I was reeling from a bad prior experience. Thus I came into the situation broken and wounded. This narc who was not just a coworker but my immediate supervisor, took FULL advantage of my fear in the same way a shark smells blood in the water and comes in for the kill.
    The practical and pragmatic way you outline the situation is FANTASTIC.

    Also, when you mention have “sentimentality” for the narc, this is another BINGO!!! I never thought about it that was before. My other narc is a family member. It NEVER would have occurred to me that sentimentality is the hook unless I read it in your blog.

    As always, thanks a MILLION!!!!!

    Hugs,
    Deanna

    1. Hi Deanna,

      I do read these!

      Thank you for your comment and I am so pleased this resonates with you and has granted you some direction, clarity and relief.

      Many blessings to you.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  25. Hi there,

    My situation is a bit unique but I would love your help on it as your article was very insightful. I am a 20 year old guy studying at college and back in March I began seeing a lovely girl (or so I thought). She really had me infatuated and everything was great up until our summer break started around May. Long story short, we talked often but she began posting on social media with another guy and then more or less discarded me. I decided to not react and did not reach out to her but would still respond to her if she texted me (this whole time she was continuously saying I miss you). Apparently she was dating that guy. When we got back to school, I initially held strong during her attempts to get back together as she claimed she broke up with the other guy, but eventually I gave in and got back with her. My trust was wavering and I decided to call her out more so we are now at a point of a lot of arguing and recently she decided that she wants time off (I am sure she is still texting her ex and other guys as my friends have said they’ve seen evidence of it). We have a lot of mutual friends (all of whom are actually on my side and have told me multiple times to get out from the beginning) but I for some reason can’t do it. I am trying to gather the strength to do it and want a plan of action to pull the plug. I was wondering if you had any suggestions for me? We used to talk/text all the time and now it has been limited which is honestly a good thing but I was wondering if you had any advice on the situation. It would be a huge huge help.

    Thanks

    1. I forgot to mention she’s a textbook narc and follows all the criteria. She was my first real girlfriend which is why this is making it tougher because I unfortunately have lingering feelings from the initial courtship. I want to be the one who comes out on top but I’m worried I’ll be discarded before and just look like an idiot. She claims she wants to be friends so right now we are in a strange limbo period and I don’t know how to approach it.

    2. Hi Nikh,

      What is the real truth regarding why we canā€™t pull away when we logically know we should is because there is something deeper, emotional and powerful going on within us.

      Usually what that is, is we are replaying the old childhood wounds of not having our love needs met by someone who is triggering those wounds.

      The things that she does that hurt – and how they make you feel – who has made you and left you feeling that before?

      It is in the recognition that unconsciously we are trying to get the love we didnā€™t from Mum or Dad again, that we can understand that this person is not the saviour of the wound but the messenger of it instead.

      They are not there to provide that love, they are showing us what we need to turn inwards to heal for ourselves.

      I hope this helps shed light on this for you.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•ā¤ļø

  26. One of the most hurtful things a narcissist/ pass aggressive does is, ā€œwithholding.ā€ Itā€™s when they have an idea of what would make you happy and they purposely deny you that pleasure. Perhaps they know you enjoy certain hobbies or activities and will not participate , instead they deny you that pleasure of their company. They make a religion of not meeting your needs. Their time is too valuable and even if they have nothing planned , theyā€™ll. never invest that time to be with you. Itā€™s all about fulfilling their needs. Theyā€™ll take and take favors, gifts, your time and service endlessly. When itā€™s time to reciprocate, theyā€™re too busy, not interested.
    A very hurtful aspect of this withholding in the bedroom. Theyā€™re happy to be on the receiving end of what they like, or maybe itā€™s just a refusal to be intimate. Many narcissists in order to maintain their dominance, control and most importantly their superiority over you will not stoop down to your level, Intimacy requires equality and flexibility in the sharing of dominance and submissive role playing . A Narc just wants to be in superior role always , so that kind of sharing is anathema . Again just as they has have little interest in participating in activities that you enjoy, they are going to deny you what you need in terms of receiving any kind of nurturing or affection.

    Has anyone seen the spouse of a narcissist, after many years of being denied love and affection, how these partners shrivel up, may look much older than they really are, or have strange twitches, ,, the price one pays to be devoted to these parasites that are all take and no giving back.
    Anyway these are just some of my thoughts about what Iā€™ve gone through from the withholding narc.
    Thereā€™s no cure for them and the more giving you are the more sacrifices and excuses you make , the worse they become. Understand that these people are very ill, but being kind to them is not the answer. Be kind to yourself , extricate and find normal loving people . Itā€™s hard to do cause this disease is rampant!
    Good luck to my compadres!!

  27. Very very very very interesting article about the cycle of pain in the body caused by chemicals from the body telling the mind, Iā€™m in pain, physical pain, when the mind is actually trying to telll the body that it isnā€™t. The body is the master here. You need to train your mind to not listen to your bodyā€™s signals because itā€™s confused. Itā€™s gotten a signal that it has referred back to when this first verbal abuse, occurred. So the pain feels real. However itā€™s chemicals and the mind can be trained to not think destructively anymore in order to stop the cycle of pain. Fascinating! Helps me understand people more.

  28. This is great! I was really hoping for more though. I mean itā€™s great to know how to deal with someone in the workplace or court but what about our own family members or spouses? Generally those are the people that are going to get hurt the most by a narcissist. I had a narc husband and have a narc ā€œmom.ā€ Sheā€™s my sister but she took me in after my parents died. Iā€™ve been working on healing and progressing and have made so much progress. I have realized that I still have such a hard time dealing with her. I have so many hard feelings and I canā€™t even look her in the eyes and donā€™t even want to talk to her. I saw her for the first time in a couple years and afterwards burst into tears because her passive aggress comments were so mean and realizing that she has turned everyone in my family against me and some of my friends. She is making me look like the crazy one and her the victim even though she practically disowned me a few years ago because I finally figured her out and wonā€™t let her control or manipulate me anymore. She dropped me like a hot potato and then told everyone that I wonā€™t talk or see her and how Iā€™ve hurt her. Anyway I didnā€™t mean to tell part of my story but Iā€™ve been struggling hardcore and having a hard time finding help because no one understands what kind of monsters these people really are. I would really appreciate it if it included exposing parents and/or other family members as well as spouses. Iā€™ve signed up for your course so weā€™ll see if this will really help. Iā€™m glad to be getting help from someone who knows and understands narcissists and can trailer to their craziness and unique situation.

    1. Also I have no evidence as I have made sure to delete all of it. I felt holding onto it and using it to show other people was not letting go. I wanted to forgive and move on and not hold it against her. Although I feel some people should be able to see the craziness from some things. I also feel most would chalk it up to normal and disregard it as usually. So I donā€™t know if it would really help but in my case, I have no evidence so what can I do about that?

  29. I have been in an on again off again relationship with a much older male whom is in a high-ranking law-enforcement position. I read these articles, these posts, etc. and although they resonate I cannot seem to continue to believe he will “wake up” and put an end to the constant games, back and forth, etc. Most frequently I experience periods where we are very close, physically entangled, and intimate in every sense of the word. These are followed up with periods of no-contact, distance, deleting me from his social platforms, and my soul just feeling crippled. I haven’t found a way to effectively cope with this, blame the age-difference for his “fear” to truly connect, and have a hard time controlling the rollercoaster of emotions that impact my daily life. We currently have distance between us (geographically) and I’m not sure if that makes things easier or harder. I am convinced my life is “less than” without him in it and am truly at a loss for where to go next. We spent 6 years in a tortured relationship only to have him leave me for someone more age-appropriate, then we had 5 years no contact. I got very familiar with life without him. He came back, after leaving her, and it has been a very tumultuous year. Small things make me think he has grown so much, and then the periods of isolation set me back. His job, the stress of it (which he thrives off of), are the most important thing in his life. As he is nearing the end of his career I feel like I am on hold until that time comes and he has his “fall from grace” and somehow maybe the suffering will all be worth it. Even writing this the absurdity and pathetic tone further validate how empty I feel.

    1. Kristen, if you’re still here — and I hope with all my heart that you are — I think you already know the answer. I hope you’ve moved on to a better place, both within and without.

  30. I was in a Narcissistic marriage for years, and I cannot agree more about the need to document the abuse. It is useful in confronting the person, but it is also useful in the healing process. I was able to confront my (now X) twice in one month. Her response was to walk out on me. A secretary at work asked me what was wrong. I gave her a very short version of the story. (No back story just my X’s words when she walked out) Her response, “That Bitch!” was probably the most healing thing anyone ever said to me. A friend tried to help us put our marriage back together, but she said; “I was completely justified in everything I did.” This set off an alarm in my head. I was able to walk away, because I knew better.

  31. I have been living with a narssasist for 3 years she has cheated lied abd abused all of my family over and over again but i didnt know any of this until 3 months from the end of the relationship i can honestly say that this woman has dragged me to hell my concern now is for my 2 year old boy . I have shed loads of proof of what shes done even the cheating with diffrent men i have proof of selfish isnt the word to use i can honestly say that ive never in all my life exlerianced such a human being and to think i was in love with her is just i dunno unexpcicable

  32. I don’t know where to start. At this time I have been with my wife for 42yrs. We married young (18), met at 16 me/17her. I was a broken soul due to a dysfunctional/abusive childhood, and have to admit that I was needing love for a sense of security through intimacy. This I have found is referred to as codependent.I wanted a life of peace and love, in which both people supported each other toward personal growth and strengthening us as a couple.
    Recently the past has flooded into my conscience, and has occupied my time for about 3wks. now. What I am in need of is a way to process the information to heal.
    What I experienced during our dating and engagement was wonderful. Like two peas-in-a-pod we were in harmony and love. I felt as though I was in love with an angel. No question in my mind that together we could accomplish anything we put our minds to. About 6 mths. into our marriage life changed for the worse. I remember her looking into my face and saying “the honeymoon is over, don’t you know”. To this my horrified expression was “why, why does it have to be different”?
    Things pretty much stayed that way for the most part of the last 40yrs. Differences experienced were that there have been times when life was good, happy times when life resembled the way it used to be at the start – happy/content. But the other side of the atmosphere was horrible. Twice she has had me on my knees in tears asking “what is going on, why are you treating me like this, what is it that you want me to do”? Hope springs eternal and we move from one apartment to our second apartment until finally we purchase a house. Almost immediately she wants to have a baby; I had mentioned from the start that it was important to me to have a home before starting a family. We had a beautiful daughter.
    This child was her possession, annoyed if our daughter showed to much attention to me. “Why don’t you get a hobby” my wife would say to me. Our daughter later told me that she could sense Mom’s unhappiness with the attention going to me, so she reduced the amount. My wife once stood at the edge of a swimming pool with an (hard to describe) emotionless stare, and watched without offering any help as I frantically tried from in the pool to save our daughter from drowning (tears). We had three children, all of whom were emotionally abused by their mom. I remember saying “stop hurting the children, leave them alone”.
    There have been some confessions made to me regarding her feelings of entitlement, being abusive to me, using me, having a feeling of “fondness” for me, but not love or devotion. Past traumatic experiences with her mother, closest friend, and her previous boyfriend have definitely hurt her. I understand how these experiences have had a terrible effect on her.
    My wife has told me that she reconnected with her past boyfriend to see if they could get back together after our marriage, this included them having sex. This was told to me just to have her retract the account in part and then in whole, and then retold again in part and in whole, just to retract it again. Then to blaming me for falsely accusing her. Did she does this, or not? This is the question in my heart.
    My feeling/intuition is that she did have the affair. Not only from her “confession”, but also because of the way she was so determined regarding her attitude toward self-entitlement, and her feelings of disregard/disdain toward me at that time. It was at this time that the first incident of me pleading for understanding occurred. There are other occasions where I believe she may have participated in sex with others. I have limited evidence. Always occurring with people I had trust with.
    Well if it isn’t already to late to make a long story short, I am trying to get an understanding of (of course) why this happened. Is she a narcissist, and am I a codependent? On the other hand could I be the narcissist, for wanting a balanced mutually supportive relationship in which we put the value of the us ahead of self-centeredness. If so, can she be helped – I am trying to do what I can as this effort seems to be gaining me some insights currently. For me, how can I rationalize my persistent desire to make the relationship work? I don’t seem to be able to let this relationship go. It has been my sense of identity/ life purpose for so long.

    Thank you to everyone who offers their 2 cents worth, I really appreciate it. Cheers

  33. Hello Melanie.

    I’m interested in this thought of exposing the narcissist and wonder if you would advise this course of action in my case. My sister dropped her mask of charm and decency several years ago when I was forced to challenge her on an issue about my elderly mother’s assets when she claimed entitlement to information about them. She was totally wrong, as indisputable evidence showed, but could not stand being challenged and this threw up the most astonishing and unexpectedly vindictive behaviour from her that continued unabated for two years Through creating an atmosphere of lies and mistrust around me, she managed to pull my two brothers in as ‘enablers’, one of whom joined in with the attack, whilst the other sat on the sidelines, too cowardly to confront her but unwilling to support me. She also smeared me to other members of the family and attempted to do it with figures of authority though that didn’t really get her anywhere. Unusually, all the communications on the issue were done by email, meaning that I have the whole ‘story’ in writing, in her emails and my responses. Anyone reading them would be in no doubt as to which side the maliciousness was coming from.

    It became obvious that there was no way back to a trusting, friendly relationship and I knew that any face to face discussion on the subject would just result in her denying everything and continuing to project the blame back onto me so I decided to go no contact. However, some time later, after a particularly nasty set of emails from her re-opening the subject, I sent her and my brothers a long, final email, detailing everything that had happened and unsparingly holding them to account for the the disgraceful sequence of events and character defamation that had taken place. It was a good move for me as it was cathartic to confront them all and it helps to go back and read it from time to time to boost my resolve, knowing that I was right to stand up to their dreadful behaviour. None of them replied but she has attempted since then to hoover me back with inconsequential one-liner texts about events in her life which I have ignored. I know that she has given other members of my extended family some sort of explanation about our estrangement and that this will bear no resemblance to the truth but i have not spoken about this to any of the family except my own adult children and their spouses who have seen the emails and would prefer to have as little contact with my siblings as possible. Fortunately we live some distance away from the rest of the family so this is not too difficult but family occasions like weddings and funerals do arise which can cause a bit of difficulty.

    What I’d like to know is whether I should, one day, release my ‘j’accuse’ email to other members of the family to help them understand what I have been through and what she is really like (they all think she’s lovely, of course) or should I just accept that they will never know the truth and let it be consigned to history? I’m aware that attempting to clear one’s name can be futile and likely to misfire. Thanks for reading.

    1. Hi Milly,

      I understand the feeling that you have around this to clear your name, but absolutely it is risky and could work against you.

      I found in my own life and time and time again, if you heal on the inside to having no hooks or thoughts at all, then everything works out in your favour in the most incredibly organic ways.

      Also all pain is gone and there is no need for closure which is the best thing of all.

      NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp us what gets us to this level, and if you would like to learn more about it by all means check out my free Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass

      I hope this helps

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•šŸ’›

      1. Thanks, Melanie, for your reply. I had really come to that conclusion myself but it is helpful to hear it from someone who knows the condition and its consequences so well.

        1. Melanie, your advice to Milly not to expose her sister appears to contradict your support of others who do expose the narcissist. especially former lovers or spouses. One difference might be that Milly is still hurt, and possibly still afraid, of any potential fallout — I’d agree then that she shouldn’t pursue exposure, if that’s the case. Or at least I wouldn’t, not until I realized that whatever fallout ensues does not have any power to hurt me in any way.

          I’m on the verge of exposing the narcissist in my life to a group of our peers, because I honestly believe that he shouldn’t get away with seducing and then torturing any other woman in our group. He has killed any love I had for him, and I’m no longer afraid of his threats and vicious taunts. I have a few of those screaming taunts on tape, and I plan to play one of them for the group this evening.

          Having documentation changed everything for me — first, it reaffirmed that what I had forgotten, or mixed up in my head, was a product of my being gaslit by him. That was why I recorded him in the first place — because I felt like nothing made sense any more. It was for my own edification more than anything else, and playing back those tapes when I felt weakened enough to go back to him helped me hold to my boundary.

          The recording also stands for itself as a shining, 100% example of the incontrovertable truth. Why shouldn’t I let other people hear it? As another poster said, anyone who hears the evidence and isn’t convinced is not someone I want to be friends with anyway.

          1. Hi Sisty,

            by all means if you are not attached to the outcme do this and try.

            In my personal experience and that with thousands, they twist it all back on you, regardless of the proof you offer up … and generally you won’t be successful.

            The only thing I have ever found to be successful is the inner work on ourselves to release the pain and the need for the exposure, then the exposure happens organically all by itself.

            Truly … believe you me the ‘old me’ was the one who tried exposure whilst still triggered and was adamant about it. I learned another more powerful way. Heal, release and create my incredible life and see everything, including old smeared people, fall powerfully into place. I thoroughly suggest that route!

            At the very lease ‘exposure’ needs to come with our inner healed, untriggered self, and then the outer results fall into place.

            Mel šŸ™šŸ’•šŸ’›

  34. I have been dealing with one that use to hang around and use his power and money to manipulate people with lies in my city, and caused me to go into debt,lose jobs, lose friends, family turned against me, and make half of my city hate. It caused me to lose ten jobs in two years and itā€™s been going on for nine years. I wrote about it in my book. Believing in Myself While the Odds Where Stacked Against Me. Iā€™m literally being stalked promoting hate.

  35. Hey! thank you for sharing this.
    im having a problem right now… and i need help
    This is about my best friend, or who used to be, and now is trying to manipulate everyone around me, spreading rumours about me, trying to victimize herself, saying that i hurt her for who knows what.
    My mother told me that she probably is jealous of me and my relationship, since she’s in a toxic and abusive one, where he manipulates her and where she also does the same.
    Some of my friends think that sheĀ“s an awesome and loving person, and me and 2 of my other friends are the only ones who know the truth and i dont know what to do.

    1. Hello Nicole, be careful when exposing the narcissist. I had to do just that in order to stop her from the continuing smearing of me. She just wouldn’t quit. I had to stand in my own truth in order for this to have worked out the way it did. I exposed her to a person of the right caliber. One that does have power to stop her abusiveness towards me. That worked for me. I did have to stand in my own truth and believe me I stood alone too. Better to stand in the truth even if it means one will have to stand alone. No one can trip the truth. I wish you all the best but be careful when exposing the narcissist. What worked for me is the person I exposed the narcissist to. That person was one of power and was able to stop the abusive behavior and try to reverse the smear the narcissist did to me. That was really bad too what the narcissist older sister did to me. It’s over now and I’ve taken my power back from her. I went no contact too. Good luck.

  36. Hello, I really need help with this on my end. The Nex is a colleague from law school. He obviously published his whole love-bombing on social media the first 6 months until I asked him to stop. I did not trust any of our school friends, and I did not expose him to anyone as the few were all completely infatuated and blinded by him. I left him and moved out of our apartment after one week. He is obv smearing my name with friends and potential law colleagues because a girl (probably potential new supply) blocked me on social media for a few days to now unblock me again. I know about the smearing because one trusted person told me about it. However, I do not know how to act to prevent damage to my reputation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated it. As he had just moved from NY, nobody truly knows anyone or their background. I learned of his Narcissism from spending time with his high school friends and family a few months last year. The mask came off only after I moved closer to his upbringing. In our city, where I met him, nobody knows or understands anything about what kind of covert narcissist he is. Thank you for sharing all your wisdom. You have been tremendous help.

    1. Hi Tots,

      smearing is so painful and triggering, I and many others have been through this horrifically. My heart goes out to you.

      Please know the more you try to defend this the worse it gets.

      Releasing and healing the traumas from inside of you, frees you of the triggered emotions and then truly the smearing collapses in “the field” outside of you.

      The narcissists accusations go nowhere, people start believing you … organically.

      I experienced this, as with all the narcissistic assaults, and have seen without exception this truth prevails for others.

      My greatest suggestion to you is to come into me free webinar and learn more about this and how to achieve this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope that this helps

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’•šŸ’š

  37. I did expose a narcissist. Actually 2. They are my older sisters. I was their supply of them feeding their ego off of me. I know they wanted to do what I did. However, they were both leading fake lives. I exposed the main narcissist in true form. I healed myself and know who I am and I’m not perfect. The narcissist is perfect though. I exposed her to who she was using as her minion. That person was of the right caliber for me to expose her to. The person I exposed the narcissistic sister to is in the legal field and has power. I did what I had to and it wasn’t easy for me either. I had to talk the truth and that’s never an easy topic to discuss. Especially when it’s me I had to talk about. I did expose the narcissist and her game is now over. Other’s know her for who she really is. The fake self might try to fool herself but that’s the only person she is fooling now. When I exposed her, I took my power back from her. I left her with who she really is. Both of my older sisters were left with who they really are. I wrote a book about this very topic and what they were doing to me. Writing that has been cathartic for me. I wish everyone the very best when exposing a narcissist. I had to stand in the truth, my own truth, in order to succeed at exposing the narcissist. Take care everyone and I wish you all the best.

    1. Same. I left a comment on this thread how i did it. I’m tired of reading article after article saying you cant expose a narcissist

  38. In a fashion this advice seems ok. But honestly not.
    This actually covers the most present issues with a narcissist, but doesn’t seem to understand the nuances.
    Prior to a separation, the Narcissist will have already set themselves up as not being at fault. They will attack you one day, then speak to their friends about how you argued with them. This was merely saying, hey the sky is blue (in excitement over the first clear day in a month) – then they beat you until you agree the sky is yellow-green without a hint of blue. The next month they tell everyone about how you argued with them about the color of the sky. To exaggerate(not sure how to lie like a narc would), they would tell everyone how you saw a dark hue over the sky, that is their interpretation of you saying the sky is blue instead of yellow or green.
    Maybe their need to see everything as perfect has you as bad for saying hey, blue sky. Or maybe, they have a need to demean everything you say. To the point of you saying “perfect blue sky”, means it’s not perfect enough for them – they like pink.
    But again living with a narcissistic person, is far from explaining it. To explain it to a person who has never done that. Imagine saying, “I am going to get the mail”. Your partner, the person you love more than yourself says,” Are you sure that would be a good use of your time?”. Something as simple as breathing or getting the mail, makes you question if you are spending your time wisely. And in turn makes you question every choice you make, until the point where you think even being Elon Musk wouldn’t be enough to be correct. Cause, why would he built a space ship when he could do anything else the narcissistic person thinks is better than that.

  39. Narcissists get overly concerned about social media. Even other peopleā€™s posts, no matter how dumb or absurd or immature they seem, is an excuse for a narcissist to create drama any other person wouldnā€™t even react to or care about. They think everyone elseā€™s lives is their business or has something to do with them and it doesnā€™t!!

    1. Any ā€œcodependentā€ that does something or creates something ā€œfor the narcissistā€ is a narcissist pretending to be Bonnie to their Clyde or Farrah to their Ryan. It just ainā€™t the facts and embarrassingly stupid and immature anyway. How does a narc get someone?Try to make them one too and trashed enough to hopelessly be their equal.

  40. To expose a narcissist you must do this when you are still on good terms with them. At least when they believe things are still on good terms. When they are ‘love bombing’ or paying you a lot of attention, talking highley of you. The red flags are always there from the beginning, we chose to ignore them. But If you dont, you can tell people that you believe they are narcissistic (mention facts and behaviors), and one day you this same person is likely to put up a smear campaign like they did with so and so (Narcissist always have more than one victim). Also search look within the narcs. inner circle they will be more victims (they may be their minions narc suppliers) but deep down they already know the truth. Gauge the scene just drop in seeds, plant seeds and then walk away…. block and live your best life……

  41. I work with a narc, I complained to my manager informally s as she was constantly attacking me verbally, the narc apologised, some weeks later the narc complained about me informally, our manager told the narc to get used to my sense of humour, thankfully my manager is intelligent enough to see the narc was just trying to get back at me. I have had a lot of experience with narcs, I am now 54, both of my parents and my ex husband who I was with for 20 years with whom I have 2 beautiful daughters with, the youngest I lost custody of (yes Iā€™ve been there too) she is now old enough to make up her own mind and lives with me and doesnā€™t see her father. So back to the narc at work, again she attacked me verbally on a day that I was feeling weak. I decided to make a formal complaint to HR and couldnā€™t believe that the HR manager knew why I had come to her because she was outside the office door and had heard everything that the narc had said saying that the narc was very rude and very aggressive towards me and would be a witness to the complaint, now that is how the universe works when you have done all of the hard healing work with the help of this amazing forum and Melanieā€™s un faulted support. The narc had had her first warning and we now only speak when itā€™s absolutely necessary. I know I am great at my job and I am an amazing person and that is why the narc attacks me so much. Much love to you all xxx

  42. To expose a narcissist you must do this when you are still on good terms with them. At least when they believe things are still on good terms. When they are ā€˜love bombingā€™ or paying you a lot of attention, talking highley of you. The red flags are always there from the beginning, we chose to ignore them. But If you dont, you can tell people that you believe they are narcissistic (mention facts and behaviors), and one day you this same person is likely to put up a smear campaign like they did with so and so (Narcissist always have more than one victim). Also search look within the narcs. inner circle they will be more victims (they may be their minions narc suppliers) but deep down they already know the truth. Gauge the scene just drop in seeds, plant seeds and then walk awayā€¦. block and live your best lifeā€¦ā€¦

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