Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Expose A Narcissist Without Looking Like The Crazy One

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 15
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

How to expose a narcissist without looking like the crazy one, is what so many people want to do, yet find incredibly difficult to do. Of course, it is beyond traumatising when narcissists lie, manipulate, smear, take zero responsibility for pathological behaviour, and you get blamed for all the problems.

This is why I wanted to write this article so that you could know ‘how to expose a narcissist’ the right way.

Be very clear with working out ‘how to expose a narcissist’ that you are not dealing with a rational, decent person. The narcissist is never wrong, has zero remorse, care or consideration for others, and is always blaming someone else. If you are in close proximity and things fall apart, of course, you are going to be smeared, and the narcissist will twist and turn information to make them look like the great person and you the terrible one.

You may lose people in your life. Many a person after narcissistic abuse has been smeared and demonised beyond repair to others. Sadly, this is the way it can go but where it can get much more sinister and deadly is if the narcissist can convince key people, including authorities, that you are a bad person and need to be dealt with severely, affecting your capacity to go forward having a happy and successful life.

I want to talk about how to expose a narcissist early on, before we are so dependent and enmeshed with them that our life is severely at risk, as well as how to expose a narcissist when things have got to (as they do/did for so many of us) that stage.

 

Calling Them Out Early On

What is a person’s character? This is essential to get to know, investigate and understand. And if it’s unsavoury, putting up with that and making excuses for it and accepting information that you know are lies is asking for trouble.

Don’t we know by now that going against our inner truth and making excuses for it means we will pay a price? The longer it goes on, the heftier the price we pay.

People are who people are. They are not going to change because we think we can fix them, ride the storms or make up for their character deficit.

Is this person considerate? Do they blame others? Do they take personal responsibility? Do they have a conscience? Does their peripheral embrace others, or is their life all about themselves? Do they pay their way in life, or are they parasitical in nature? Are they entitled and believe they can have and take whatever they want when they want? Are they incapable of apologising when they hurt someone?

If you allow this behaviour to be in your life, you are signing up for more of it. If you call it out, create boundaries, put an end to being taken advantage of and stop covering for narcissists, they and the relationship unravel. A narcissist is not going to want to be with you if they can’t mine you, manipulate you and lie to you. And quite frankly, you need to want to get out too, because how can you have a healthy, happy, sane, safe life under these circumstances?

It is my highest suggestion to not take, ‘I can change,’ as an indication that things will get better. A person’s character is their character, it is ingrained. Lack of health in being ‘a good person’ is not overcome by someone pretending to act differently.

We all need to get very clear that choosing and hanging with self-absorbed, entitled, pathological people is no different to choosing to eat junk food every day. It doesn’t nourish our soul or spirit. It rips it down instead.

If you are continually taking in toxicity and being polluted with it, triggered by it and abused with it, of course, you become sick. If you are continually trying to stand for wholesome human behaviour with someone who doesn’t have the resources to be decent and simply refuses to take responsibility and get it, you will start going mad.

And then when it all falls apart, you will feel like you are losing your mind and are highly susceptible to being painted as the crazy one.

If we get to this stage, then we really do need to do a lot of work on our healing and recovery to be able to work effectively with ‘how to expose a narcissist.’

That work is all about detoxing ourselves. The NARP Healing System is the most powerful, effective and direct way I know of how to do that, hence why there are so many success stories of full narcissistic abuse recoveries in this Community.

 

Exposing a Narcissist With The Truth

Personally, I have found that false selves hang themselves with their lies. They act pathologically, create mayhem that causes scrutiny and then try to lie their way out of it.

If you have the clear-cut facts and are no longer swayed by sentimentality, making excuses for them, or wishing they can be different (which is such a relief and totally achievable when you work with my NARP full recovery system), then you are very capable of executing ‘how to expose a narcissist’ effectively.

Document facts. Share them with key people. Expose what has really happened. Keep conversations exposed, transparent and under eyes and therefore accountable.

The narcissist knows you are flushing out the truth and exposing them and will twist and turn trying to find an angle (which of course won’t be the truth) and, if you have your facts, inevitably dig themselves deeper. Very shortly after that they will depart and leave you alone.  The game’s up. Why keep trying when people start working out who they are?

It’s so important, as you walk the straight line in truth, that you have released your trauma and you have no qualms about investigating and getting facts. Be very clear you deserve to know the truth.

What is also vital when working with ‘how to expose a narcissist’, is that you have released all your dependencies on the narcissist for anything in your life. The narcissist will punish and desert you and not do the right thing with care, sensitivity, remorse, accountability, money, settlement or custody, and will try to make you ‘need’ them in order to continue punishing you and hooking you in.

Therefore, release all these ties, emotional and practical, and become a source to yourself. If you do this and walk and generate your truth, the narcissist will be powerless to manipulate you, hurt you or possibly even smear you. Truly, anyone who believes their version is not worth having in your life, and you will find that so many more credible and real people do clearly get the truth.

What is important is that you know the truth, this person is exposed as pathological and is not healthy or welcome in your life, and you are determined to detox them and create a happy, healthy life for yourself and those you love.

There is no greater up-level, relief and clarity than that.

 

How to Expose a Narcissist In the Workplace

The best way to expose a narcissist is transparency and bringing the toxic pathologies out into the light.

Narcissists operate in the workplace with ‘divide and conquer’ tactics. Meaning they sidle up to people and show them preferential treatment, grooming them to be ‘their pet’ and start mining them to take the narcissist’s workload for them, be their minion against someone else or whatever agenda they may have. This ‘pet’ may not realise that this person is using them for their own benefit by promising them the world and doing it with multiple other people as well.

Additionally, narcissists will not take responsibility, blame others for mistakes and play cover up constantly.

They are, however, not that clever because they are so self-absorbed and entitled they don’t worry too much about being detected. Most people in the workplace know that there is a toxic and even narcissistic person present when one is.

The way to expose them is simple, have the facts or details of the conversations and whatever else you know and raise it in calm and very clear ways in group meetings in front of as many people as possible. Then all the triangulation tactics are exposed. People start to know the truth.

There is every chance the narcissist will unravel and show their true colours when their ego injury is ignited in public. Be prepared for the pathological lies or projections to spew forth, and if you have done your homework then you will usually have the facts to counter these lies, or just remain silent in the face of such nasty, childish retaliation, and the narcissist will dig their hole even deeper, in full public view.

There may be some minions who try to cover up and defend the narcissist, but it is unlikely that when they see the narcissist unravelling that they will risk their own skin as well. In fact, the narcissist may show their true colours even more, by trying to scapegoat the minions.

I know exposing a narcissist in the workplace takes immense courage, but I promise you in this community there are people who have taken narcissists down in this exact manner, calmly and clearly, even though they were of course, pretty terrified about doing it.

When we step into our authentic selves and are willing to lose it all to get it all, then spectacular breakthroughs happen in our lives and for those around us.

Narcissists exposed in this way withdraw. They leave. No different to the myth of vampires, they can no longer exist in an environment where a great bright light has brought who they are and what they do, out into the open.

For more information, you can read my article The Narcissist in the Workplace.

 

How to Expose a Narcissist In Court

It’s so important with knowing how to expose a narcissist in court that you showcase this person’s behaviour rather than try to convince people that this person has a personality disorder. This is done by keeping documentation, being calm and clear with your evidence and sticking to the facts that can be backed up.

Narcissists love trying to intimidate you and gain narcissistic supply in court settings. Therefore, don’t address the narcissist or their lawyer, rather speak to the judge. Don’t sit in the courtroom where eye contact can happen with the narcissist. Ignore their or their minion’s attempts to intimidate and disarm you in the waiting area before walking into the courtroom.

The narcissist is most likely to get triggered, unravel and expose themselves the calmer, detached and directly ignoring them that you are. Loss of power to the narcissist means a severe narcissistic injury where they may explode with irrational and even delusional behaviour or turn on someone else, their own lawyer or even the judge, totally exposing themselves.

To learn more about this you can watch my Thriver TV episode 6 Things To Look Out For During Court Battles With A Narcissist.

 

Becoming “Anti-Fear”

When knowing how to expose a narcissist, the number 1 criteria is to become anti-fear.

This is what I wrote in another article earlier this year: 

“Narcissists can only get you through your fear …. your fear feeds them power. It is the figurative bullets that they load up in their gun to shoot you with. When we are triggered by the fear of what the narcissist may do, we react and try to expose the narcissist and frantically appeal to others to help us. Yet, people don’t want to get involved. They shut doors in our face, don’t listen, don’t care, switch off, and even turn against us. And, you are shocked to see how the narcissist twists it all by making you out to be the wrong and crazy one. This can lead you to lose credibility, court settlements, and even your children.”

This is why, in every area of our life, love, workplace, court, any situation at all, the inner work on ourselves is everything so that we can show up in our power, the inner solidness and truth, and we just walk this line: ‘Really? NO that was not the truth. This actually is.’

Who chooses to believe the truth is really not the issue. The issue is that we know it and we can hold our head high going forward feeling released, resolved and clear that who and what the narcissist is, is NOT our reality.

Then we will be astounded by how the rest of life follows.

The deal is always this: good people have good people in their lives. Once we leave pathological people behind and purge their toxicity from within us, we stop feeling sick. We get well, and so does our life. Whereas, the narcissist’s life is always going to be fraught with disruption, pain and stop/starts. That doesn’t change.

People start to see the truth. Many people don’t trust the narcissist anyway, they get a bad vibe off him or her even from the beginning. How many people in your life have told you that, after you ended relationships with the narcissist, or even when you were in the relationship with them?

Life is really not that great for them, and the more you build and create your life from an authentic space, the more their lies and punishment regarding you falls apart. Know this to be true.

But to do this, we do need to turn inwards and confront and heal all that is being triggered off within us, that is causing us to obsess, panic, overreact and hand our power away.

There are many Thrivers in the community who have exposed and won against narcissists in so many areas of their life, as a result of using NARP to release their internal triggers, so that they show up formidably and truthfully in their power.

As always, I look forward to responding to your questions and comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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56 Thoughts on How To Expose A Narcissist Without Looking Like The Crazy One
  • rucks.fam@xplornet.ca'
    Marlene
    September 5, 2018

    So what am I too say when your husband constantly brings up your hurtful past over and over and that is a trigger for my reactions?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Marlene,

      What is so so key is doing the work inside our own emotional inner being so that we can be clean and calm without being triggered.

      Otherwise we just hand narcissists the attention, the narcissistic supply they crave, and this disempowers us.

      Of course this level of detachment is easier said than done, but I promise you it is totally possible.

      I’d love to show you how: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Rafferty
    September 5, 2018

    Well, hello there beautiful woman,
    I do believe you were the first coach that I have discovered, quite by accident. I was studying psychology on my own & some how discovered Narcissism. Thank God, I did. Through the help of such lovely beautiful people, I had discovered what I was dealing with. My story is a very ugly one & I’m married for 50 years. I look very young for my age. I had tried to leave & reported my husband & get me & my girls out of there, but of course, I was called a liar right to my face & bitch behind my back. He was turning up the heat in the midst of summer & he did something with my picture, but not putting on here. I became very ill. My girls believed he drugged me. My eldest said you were there, but not there. He went as far as raping me with another. And I emotionally died. It just keeps getting worse. After that, I really lucked out, because a young woman, in the Marines was being taught selflessness & she reported him. Oh, what she did!!!! He is in prison, for hurting other people, so I’m pretty sure that is going to help me big time. During this time, now five years later I almost died 3 times & I’m soon moving again for the third time. He even tried to give me HIV, but I outsmarted him.I almost went to prison, but my granddaughters stuck up for me. The system tried to break them, but they stayed strong. While he was in prison & I was in denial. which lasted way to long, we were typing to each other. While I was mostly in bed for 9 months & the whole time my drive was what kept me a live, he was my best friend. Once I started healing, his true colors came out & I lost everyone, including my dog, my home, my care, family & two friends. Long story short my trust isn’t very strong & a few more narcs tried turning me into their tasty snack & one was going disgustingly sexual, I knew what to do & how to get rid of them. There was a smear campaign, so many gossip about me, but I found a few good friends, no males. I have a case worker & specialist who support me. My main specialist just retired & told me, when he gets out get a restraining order against him. This is too long of a tail, to put here & I’m growing very hot & the headache is getting worse, I’m moving on & started to heal. I will never speak to this SOB again, nor do I want to see him. He is too dangerous, the word monster fits & I’m terrified of him. He made my life even worse behind prison walls. I do not want to associated with him. No contact from the entire family. They knew he cheated & covered up, but my son-in-law told the truth. My youngest saw him strangle me & got up punching his back, saying “You leave my mommy alone.” So since they witness quite a bit, how on earth can they side with him. Our eldest is his flying monkey, because she wants our money. She & her husband were caught stealing from us everything by a bank. The detective didn’t want to do 4 years & all those lies & he walked away. So I will never take this family back, especially him. When I am feeling good, I will be looking for work. He gave his 401K to the kids & took my social security. Not in a good place, but at least, some people believe me, because I haven’t stopped shaken for over 4 years. A real pain, I drop things all day long. So I want to thank all you wonderful caring coaches I am pretty much self sufficient.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      I so wish for your relief, healing and release from all of this Dear Lady.

      You have been through so much and enough is enough.

      Sending blessings, love and breakthrough to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • gbagmarie@gnail.com'
      Gina Marie
      September 16, 2018

      Dear Carol, I understand the tension disgust depression, distention and Grief. I am praying that you will have Joy in your life once again. Time heals wounds, but it does not help you forget all that has plagued your life. Let it go and give it to Your higher power, Its most difficult when your still connected, Blessings for Peace of Heart Mind and Soul 💕

  • robyn.margaret.64@gmail.com'
    Robyn Schmidt
    September 5, 2018

    I was married to a covert narcissist for 30 years until he blamed me for abandoning him and had (yet another)affair! He then announced to our kids that he was leavibg me ( on Christmas day)
    My oldest daughter has barely spoken to me since. The last communication I received from her claimed I was controlling and narcissistic! Meanwhile the rest of the email was to tell me never to contact her or anyone close to her.
    It broke my heart at the time but I have abided by her wishes and stopped trying to make contact.
    I have been thinking about it recently and realised I am still letting them control me! It us stopping me from moving on healthily.
    Is it normal for children to blame the wrong parent? (She can only see what happened to her and not at all what anyone else has been through or why we may have reacted a particular way)
    Is she his ‘mini me’?
    Is there any hope that I will ever be allowed in her life again? If so will it just take time or should I do something?
    She cannot stop me from loving her (and her kids, even though she won’t let me see them) is it worth trying to contact her again or do I have to let go?
    I’m not sure how to do that…there are obviously triggers that make it harder, it was her wedding anniversary and my grand daughters birthday recently and I wanted so much to just send my best wishes but fear it will make things worse.
    What should I do?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi Robyn,

      and others … so sorry I missed this question!

      I am so sorry you have been going through this, I can’t even imagine how painful that would be.

      Sadly, in this community, there have been many parents alienated from their children by narcissists.

      I created this resource on this topic to help https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3zPXFJi22A

      I hope this can help you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤

  • tonyasinaga@gmail.com'
    Tonya
    September 5, 2018

    I record some of my conversation, and played it back with my friends that were influenced by him and taking his side….. 😂 after the record, they switched side 😆… Doesnt it sounds funny
    But now i dont sweat to win anybody back. I forgive and love myself more than enough, i cleansed my life, started a new life & adventure, make new friends. If any of my ‘old friends’ still wanna be a friend, their the one who need to prove themselves

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Tonya,

      How beautiful you have broken through into your new life.

      There is so much abundance and joy that we can generate for ourselves!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tvannotemail@gmail.com'
        On My Way
        September 6, 2018

        Could you please respond to Robyn Schmidt’s question? I have a similar situation and am looking for some tools to work through my children completely turning on me. It’s really unbelievable! and so incredibly painful!
        I’m learning to rest in the fact that they are able to make choices, just as I am. I do not strive to “prove” anything to them with the situation, other than the fact that I am their mother an will ALWAYS love them.

  • corinelaf@gmail.com'
    Corine
    September 5, 2018

    Robyn my dear. Sending love to you. I can totally relate. What I can tell you is to focus on you and your healing. Get into the NARP program if you are not already and I have also subscribed to a free 30 day ‘unwind your mind’ online experience which you can access at this link: https://circle.livingmiraclescenter.org/uym30day
    Spending time thinking, wondering and paying attention to those who reject you is not getting you anywhere and is actually strengthening your torture. Whatever you focus on, you will get more of. So focus on your healing so you will gain more inner healing and strength to overcome. I am also reading Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power of Now’ Which you can get via YouTube as a free audiobook and starting Yoga on Sep 5th.
    I am just surrounding myself with all things that will bring me inner peace, to know me again strengthen within. I can assure you starting with NARP while having the other support materials are quite helpful plus self care and love and a great support group like the NARP community plus good friends and of course spending time in nature will be an immense redirection of inner focus for you.
    Karma is real and like I have heard many times, it never loses an address, not that you or I or anyone wishes bad for anyone else but you know what I am saying. Send love from a distance but start loving yourself more because no one else would or should more than you.
    Warm hugs!

    • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
      Tuesday
      September 5, 2018

      Thank you so much Corine – your comments to Robyn also “spoke” to me and I am very grateful.
      Tuesday

  • dema.kuany@yahoo.com'
    Old narcissist lover
    September 5, 2018

    This group has helped me so much from dealing with a narcissist. I “ALMOST” thought it was love until he showed his true colors and used my weaknesses against me. Tried to manipulate and lie to me. I should’ve listened to my intitution in the beginning but like most of us we always think we can change someone or hopes that they will change. I have learned my lesson and I am healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi ONL,

      That is so great you have taken the gift of the lesson and are healing.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • fiona.milton@hotmail.co.uk'
    Jo
    September 5, 2018

    Hi this article really applies to me right now!
    I can’t seem to shift the fear as my narc husband is taking me to court for domestic abuse, violence, affairs etc.. he wants custody of the children and has a top lawyer. I have went no contact since I left him four months ago but now I’m starting to shake as the court date gets closer and I have to sit opposite him.. he has turned family and friends against me and he is doing the same in court. I don’t have any hard evidence when it comes to court so I fear I will be punished as he always manages to blame me and look squeaky clean. Please any tips would be grateful. I have just changed lawyer and she hasn’t a clue what’s going on.
    Regards
    Anonymous

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Jo,

      My heart goes out to you. Please know that within this community, as hard as it is to turn inwards, the best results people have is by doing so to release the fear and the pain, in order to take power back and start operating from a place of inner calm.

      And please know I truly do understand how hard it is to detach from what is happening and turn inwards when we are highly triggered and traumatised, yet that is the fundament of my entire work and mission to help people.

      If you are ready to try to heal what is happening and create a different reality with it, I’d love to show you how http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help you. And sending you strength, breakthrough and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    September 5, 2018

    I am glad that there is a solution to this.

  • teresabuster@live.com'
    Sobeit
    September 5, 2018

    Thank you Melanie, for the wealth of knowledge you’ve provided to help me regain my perspective and hold my ground. There is not a one of us here that is less than. We are all stronger than we think we can be.

    I was literally blindsided several years ago by a couple of sisters who had been my closest friends and helpers as needed when our mother’s health declined. As the designated primary caregiver, I had relocated almost 8 years earlier to care for both of our parents as their lives were winding down. Something all my siblings seemed happy for me to do as I was the oldest daughter and a widow without the family demands they still managed. Yet to my surprise it was on my mother’s death bed that they chose to call me out for every abuse they could think of, while still telling me they appreciated the work that they would have done themselves if my parents had asked it of them. At stake? A caregivers share…. All prior agreements concerning their will were now being laid claim to, including the money I had personally invested in their care and housing. Triangulation, guilt tripping, manipulation, gaslighting, projection, blame shifting and truth twisting were all amassed against me (words I didn’t have reason to know before). I sobbed for months, and agonized over how I had gone from a caring sister to a money grubbing ner do well (in their eyes). The ensuing fear was like something out of a horror film. I was gripped with it every time I saw them, just waiting for the next hateful accusation to be hurled and scrambling to try and justify myself. So I gave in to a point where financial denial no longer made sense and principle took hold. Then their smear campaign backfired when my other two siblings didn’t buy into their stories and called them out. Now their exposure has resulted in the silent treatment. Our lives will never be the same and its all my fault.

    NOT!!! Because… I haven’t lost sight of who I am!

    Not perfect, but I really am that caring sister I’ve always been and I’d still step in today to help either of them out. Though I won’t be taken advantage of.

    I will continue to scrutinize my thoughts and actions but I will not feel guilty or apologize for offenses others imagine.

    I no longer need to be the keeper of a Family Picture that refuses to exist.

    I am not bothered by your silence, and can’t be forced to play your childish game. I’ll smile brightly and say hello every time I see you.

    I’ve set my boundary. If you can’t be kind, I refuse to listen. My phone hangs up and my feet walk away very easily now.

    You can’t change who I am…. regardless of how you want to see me.

    This was always about you so I won’t ever expect or need an apology.

    I know I can’t fix you but I’ll never stop praying that God can.

    Thanks again for the continued reinforcement Melanie 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Sobeit,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased I can help.

      It is so tragic how people can respond to money in this way, and I am so sorry you had to go through such unspeakable trauma.

      It is so wonderful however that you are healing you.

      Wishing you all the healing and resurrection that is yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • zaina.hijrah@hotmail.com'
    Zaina
    September 5, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    When you say confront and heal the triggers inside of us what do you mean by that using your resource? I had a lot of panic, fear and high levels of shock and anxiety after dealing with two sociopaths who really left me feeling damaged after being associated with them and hooking into a highly abusive situation rendering me as you said totally powerless. I know given insight into how I would have done things differently if I was wiser and not tolerated so much destructive behaviour but coping after so much trauma has been hard to do. I understand what a sociopath is and they have both exited my life but I do want to heal as I still feel I am in after shock even though it has been some time.

    Zaina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 5, 2018

      Hi Zaina,

      You can experience this process with me personally as a result of connecting to my free resources. There is an invitation to my workshop in there where I take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing where you load up and release trauma directly from your inner being.

      This will help you understand how you can heal from the trauma of sociopathic abuse.

      I hope this helps

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Tuesday
    September 5, 2018

    Thank you Mel for this excellent article. Unfortunately when with my narc I became so stressed that I suffered severe memory problems. On a daily basis this phenomenon has more or less subsided and my memory has improved to an “acceptable” level. However much of what went on during the abuse is still very confused in my mind and other things exist as black shadows – I know there’s a major problem but it’s been transformed into a dense black impenetrable cloud! I’m doing ok but im having trouble thriving because I can’t shake off the associated tiredness and lack of vitality. I’m sure I need a change of attitude to be able to move forward but I’m having trouble identifying how to make this shift…

    Much love
    Tuesday

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi Tuesday,

      When we have still existing trauma wedged in our inner being then it has caused us to be damaged, making our health, memory and operating systems impaired and it also means that we are using vital resources trying to survive and combat it.

      The Thriver Way to heal is to meet the trauma in our body with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) and release it so that we just organically start healing.

      I’d love to show you how this works. Within my free transformational resources is a link to my free webinar, where you can experience the power of QFH and what it can do for you.

      Most people experience a shift and relief immediately.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • annajuneice@gmail.com'
    April
    September 5, 2018

    I finally discovered that my husband is a narcissist after 18 years of marriage and after he began divorce proceedings (after finding a new woman) and I watched him completely transform in to a different person–who he really is, but now not caring any longer if I saw his true ugly and sad self. I am trying to do all the right things now that I now what I know–no contact, no fuel, etc., but while co-parenting, it’s so difficult. I only communicate when absolutely necessary and ignore his constant poking, but any communication that we have to have about the children inevitably turns into fuel for him–even if he just gets to ignore me, and especially if he gets to ignore me when there is an important request, or a request that has a deadline. I can’t help feeling completely defeated each time this happens and fearful that this will never end because he feeds on these little bits of fuel. Each time he has a little feeding from me, I feel completely defeated. I guess that’s where my work begins–on overcoming feeling defeated, but I just wish I could cut him completely out of my life. Right now I have no friends to listen to what I am going through. Thanks for listening.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi April,

      I am sorry you are going through the horrible feelings of discard. It is very very painful.

      Our healing truly is about turning inwards to love and heal ourselves.

      Sending you healing and love.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Mydaars@yahoo.com'
    Frustrated
    September 5, 2018

    Thank you for this article. I enjoy all of your advise and articles. I’m so happy to see you “finally” addressing narcissistic situations that requires a person to respond or take some action when you can’t leave the situation. Not a relationship. Me and my family have been attacked by triple narcissist in our church. I’ve written you previously about the situation and the advice is always to leave, which I would love to do but my husband refuses to leave our congregation, but endure the torture. We have teenagers and we have all been effected terrible. We’ve been in this same congregation for 30 years and because there were so many narcissists working together, the 3 women who are the actual narcissist along with their husbands and the people they were able to persuade to lie and do work for them. A result of us staying in the congregation, we were asked repeatedly but those in charge to not tell others what is happening to avoid corrupting the morale of the congregation (I always thought that was a mistake) every single one of them has left the congregation abruptly because of exposure. The adult children came forward and exposed their narcissist parents, telling us all the things they had done to us and their intentions and their years of obsessive hatred for our family all while smiling in our faces for years.
    The problem we face now after they are all no longer a part of our congregation, but moved to another, they still continue to slander us and our children (and their own children now) destroying our once good reputation. Even worse than that, the members of our congregation that we are left with are tainted and different towards us, believing that we are somehow the problem but no one saying a word that would at least let me know what is the thinking. We have been made the toxic family even though we have never had a single disagreement with any of these people. I don’t believe every single person is “against” us so to speak but there is confusion and we definitely seem to be the taboo ones, the ones to not invite places, etc.. This is what I previous wrote you about. How do I survive amongst such negativity and strife? Will the people ever recover and treat us normally? Its as if they are all operating under a trance, we do have one narcissist left that wasn’t involved in the attack against us but she is against us because our daughter married her brother in law??? so weird. I still would like to leave our congregation but will this continue in a new congregation from these same people, the false accusations? We’ve provided proof of their lies and yet no one in charge has made any actions against them. The narcissist lie so much it’s as if everyone is afraid to do anything to them. They have a history of this same behavior, even being attacked years ago by people.
    Do you have any advice. It’s been 3 1/2 years since it all began, with a photo of our then 15 years old that they claimed was a nude photo she posted. We didn’t even see the photo for a year and she isn’t even nude. It’s illegal to spread around a nude photo of a minor. We have a very serious problem and it still continues today.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi Frustrated,

      I can understand why you are ….

      This is the most important thing to understand about narcissistic abuse. If what they are doing continues to hurt you – that continues to feed them.

      There is never any amount of ‘doingness’ from an inner place of pain and frustration that is going to change what the narcissist is doing to you.

      If we shift on the inside to our own inner temple of peace, regardless of what they are doing, and take ownership that they are helping us heal and release parts of ourselves that have been in repeat darkness and trauma, then – because we have received the soul lesson and have done the humble soul work on ourselves – we can calmly and methodically ‘defeat’ them.

      If we don’t take it to this deep soul level, the ‘lesson’ our soul is revisiting over and over again won’t stop.

      I really don’t know how else to say this to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Mydaars@yahoo.com'
        Frustrared
        September 9, 2018

        I love this reply! It’s extremely helpful. I feel like I’ve made many strides and am getting better at how I feel about the situation. I am hurt, deeply. And I worry about what is continuously being said, am suspicious when people are acting differently towards me. I am stunned people would actually turn against us by leaving us out because of what they are hearing. And the funny thing is I had never been a persons that worried about what others thought. But I never felt like people were against me either. There is always someone that doesn’t like me/you but that isn’t what this is. So in our circle of people/friends my teenagers are left out deliberately and it IS hurting me. I want to leave and go to a new congregation and start over. Since I am forced to stay in this one, I really don’t know how to move forward. We do need encouragement and support. Slander is a scriptural things that can bring on murder even and is one of the things God hates. It’s very damaging. So I will continue to try to move forward in my thinking. I’ve been just continuing my normal activities pretending like things are normal, speaking and talking with the others areound me without saying anything about what has happened to me from these narcissists. And no one else says anything either. I’d love to just get over it! Which feels impossible since I’m still amongst the strife and attitudes. I’d onhave supportive friends. I just think this is crazy behavior. And I don’t understand why it has been permitted to continue when we have proven to our authorities what has happened. The people lie like rugs.

  • healingstream@hotmail.com'
    on-the-mend
    September 5, 2018

    Is it possible for a narcissist to be “borderline” or have some but not all of the characteristics? The man I am thinking of had many of the characteristics but one thing he never did was tear me down. He didn’t like drama, or so he said, but I feel that from our relationship dynamics that he got power from me being deferential to him.

    It was a long distance relationship so in our 4 years of talking daily and being “in love” we didn’t see each other much but had a great connection. After 4 years he just stopped calling one day with no word of why.
    I had begun asking for more in the way of explanations instead of just taking everything at face value. I never felt lied to until the very end.
    I am trying to put a label on his behavior just to help me understand.
    He seemed to shift blame on others, especially his office workers. But with me he never did. He was always gentle but kept a safe distance emotionally.

    I feel that somehow he had figured out a way to control the really bad things that narcissists do so that he could carry on without the drama.
    And I feel his “supply” was in my manner toward him… never asking much and being available to talk to him whenever he wanted
    In the beginning, he told me he wanted to marry me but as time went on he didn’t speak of it much.

    We laughed a lot and really enjoyed each other’s company but from the way he abandoned me, I know he didn’t love me like he said he did.
    We got to know each other well and of course, I still remember the good things and miss him but don’t think I would ever trust him again after him leaving so abruptly without a word.

    If anyone has anything… any insight into this please write back.

    It has been 6 weeks since he abandoned the relationship and I am just now able to not cry every day.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi on-the-mend,

      It really is impossible to say, other than he more than likely started a relationship that granted him enough supply to not need you anymore.

      This I do believe about being in relationships that are not nourishing to our soul … such as narcisstic ones.

      We make excuses for behaviour, whether it’s non commitment, unavailability, objectifying, pathological lying, cheating or whatever it is.

      We make deals in our own heads such as – ‘yes but he she gives me space … or isn’t abusive … or is or isn’t that.’

      Yet, if we are honest with ourselves there are things that are seriously wrong, we are not aligned with our soul truths and we are being dismantled not supported and loved healthily.

      Then one day the universe steps in and says ‘Enough, you are NOT getting it. This is NOT a path of love that is aligned with you. Time to rip it away so that you face and heal you, so that you can be true to you.’

      Your soul wants what life wants for you – the very best.

      He wasn’t that – at all.

      I’d love you to hold my hand and start healing http://www.melanietoniaevabe.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    September 6, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Your videos have this magical quality…they activate the unconscious mind, and all kinds of stuff comes to surface that might or might not be related to the particular topic!
    After watching this I suddenly thought; I have always felt “resistance” towards this healing work, even though I know very well by now, how important it is, to show up as the true self, release the trauma, setting boundaries etc.
    Then I had this aha-moment: My (unconscious) fear seems to be, that if I’m healthy, firm, do not accept disrespect or any crap or bizarre behaviour from men, if I say no and set boundaries…that will scare men off (the good, decent ones). I will be turn off for them. They will think that I take serious relationships indeed too much seriously, that I’m boring, inflexible, cold, rigid, that I’m too much to handle, that I’m too much demanding, that I’m difficult, too much “high maintenance”, that men do not like this kind of “strong women”…in other words, men will not like me, I’ll be alone and unloved.
    Another huge aha-moment I had today: the past 20 years I have been belittling myself, accepting abuse, abandoning myself, have not set any boundaries…has this “modus operandi” worked? Does it help to attract healthy men and healthy relationships? No it does not!! 🙂 It attracts the exact opposite 🙁 I have already attracted 3 n men. 3!!
    The unconscious beliefs are so ridiculous, illogical and stupid, intellectually I know this. But they were probably formed from the perspective of a traumatised 5 years old child, we cannot assume a child would have very much logic when forming these beliefs 🙁
    It’s often so mind-boggling trying to understand how the “mind” works. My mind seems to think, that it is unsafe for me to show up as the healthy, whole me, when the opposite is true. Showing up as the unhealthy, traumatised me in reality has been huge risk for me, for example attracting these dangerous men. I read that the first priority of the mind and body is to keep us safe. Maybe that’s why the mind does not easily want to let go of these old beliefs, even though intellectually I understand I really should. This “journey” is indeed not always easy!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2018

      Hi Julia,

      It is true that this journey is so so complicated when trying to work it out through the mind.

      I tried to do that for decades. Thank goodness now I just use Quanta Freedom Healing in my body.

      Once you start Julia, truly you will wonder why on earth you didn’t do it sooner.

      Why not just start: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        September 7, 2018

        Well, I have done narp, and yet these questions pop into mind 🙁

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 7, 2018

          Hi Julia,

          NARP truly isn’t something that we just go through, QFH is an ongoing journey to continuously heal and evoke ourselves from a limited old self into the new Self that works in so much easier and more fulfilling ways.

          I do it every day I am in quandary, pain or confusion.

          If you confront, load up and release these questions from within you, then the soul answer and truth will replace that.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cbrassar15@gmail.com'
    christine brassard
    September 6, 2018

    I would like to know if I can get reward by sharing your course

  • Helenawwoman@gmail.com'
    Shakeyheart
    September 6, 2018

    Thanks for the article. I have been through the wringer. Married to a narcicist for 9 years and trying to get divorced/settlement for the last three. In the course of this time I developed anxiety and severe depression. In the lead up to legal proceedings with my second lawyer ( first one was hopeless!) I was asked to write up everything that had happened in the marriage. This sent me into a spiral as did the news that a good mate had pashed my ex in the family home where he still lived-which my kids told me about. I spiralled down. I was frantic. Couldn’t sleep, pacing all night, had my mother move in, overdosed on loads of meds and ended up in a psych ward. This was over a year ago and now that I am well and healthy, I am haunted by the harm I caused to myself and my children. I am struggling to move past the shame and the horrible memories of being suicidal and psychotic. Legal proceedings are going ahead and I am ready for the smear. I’m just trying to shore up support nd boost my ability to stay healthy hence why I’m looking to this community. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 7, 2018

      Hi Shakeyheart,

      You have been through so much and that is totally understandable that you feel that way after what happened.

      I would really love you to know that with my healing method you are able to reach and release the trauma and live free of it.

      Have you linked into my inner transformational resources yet? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      The inner work makes such a significant difference in how we heal.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • yochimdeb2@aol.com'
    DEBORAH YOCHIM
    September 6, 2018

    Please tell me if there is any special doctors or hospitals you can go to to get specialized help for this. I am desperate.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 7, 2018

      Hi Deborah,

      There isn’t specifically. In feelings of crisis please access the help and abuse lines and resources in your area.

      Sending you love and strength.

      Mel 💕❤️🙏

  • schristy@lovefirst.net'
    Stephanie
    September 7, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    This is accurate, beautiful advice!

    You have helped me gain insight into, and validate, my own truth enormously!

    It is a blessing to feel understood and to not feel alone :)- You are a blessing!

    xoxo

    Stephanie

  • brighter4days@yahoo.com'
    nova
    September 7, 2018

    Another great article! Thank you. I had read before that it is best not to confront the narcissist, at least when just dealing one on one with them. Do you find this true as well, or do you find that when done in a clear and calm manner, one can expose or confront the narc in a private manner? I did do this in the past, before I had read up on it, and am still not 100% if my standing up for myself, and speaking out against the lies, as well as drawing a clear boundary of what is no longer acceptable. I did so, not as the same person who was once in the “relationship” with this person, but instead as the survivor who was naming and speaking out against the injustices. I hit hard, every word was true, and it took a lot of strength to say it, but i felt i needed to voice what i saw and what was real, since i had silenced my voice for so long while actually “together”. Would love to hear your own experience around this, as mere walking away and moving on in silence was not chosen in my case. I did feel the psychic, energetic backlash from having done so, but I also feel it closed the chapter of fear, and began a new story of speaking my truth. However, it was a complex scenario with a 3rd party involved, who is a public figure, and married. I also, questioned the 3rd party to gain a better sense of the truth of the stories that were told, and I was snubbed, which gave me even greater pause, as to what was really going on behind the scenes, with all the secrets and lies. However, doing so, has potentially brought me under greater scrutiny and therefore caused more attention on the matter, which in itself is a little exhausting to be dealing with still. It doesn’t bother my emotions or heart, it doesn’t hurt….but it does still come to mind and leave questions as to what I really got myself into, so wanted to reach out with some words and ask for any advice or experience you can offer up in response? Much love. Nova

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 8, 2018

      Hi Nova,

      This is the thing, one on one with a narcissist they are not going to understand, validate or honour your reality.

      They are only going to do whatever works for their agenda at the time. This could be momentarily appear to ‘hear’ you and ‘get’ you, with you only to find out down the track that your words have been meaningless to them or even twisted and used against you with others.

      Hence why ‘no contact’ personally and seeking transparency and accountability under a light with others present in communication.

      Truly the solace, healing and having our voice is between us and ourselves. The greatest statement we can ever make to a narcissist for closure is ‘no more’ and ‘I want nothing to do with you’.

      Then our true healing can begin.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vinke.sarshalom.dineke@gmail.com'
    Dineke Vinke
    September 9, 2018

    Thank you Melany for being my sister in helping me to thrive over narsisism. This is so much comfort and righteousness for me. My own sister has turned so much against me to be with the narsisist. Both of them, my mother and my sister have now such behavior against me that it is becoming deadly. I feel it coming inside me now. Happily in these moments I know to retreat from them completely, to later find out devastation has come on them.
    But this deadly thing is so new for me to experience and scary, it looks like I cannot have any contact with them anymore for my own health. Oh, I could use some advice.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2018

      Hi Dineke,

      Absolutely it is scary and terrible to discover that people are capable of behaving like that.

      You are totally doing the right thing by detaching and not feeding them any energy.

      Please know that my healing processes are able to help release the trauma we feel insife so that we can be calm and empowered in the face of this.

      To connect to my feee resources to check this out you can go here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • karen66926@yahoo.com'
    Sarah Smith
    September 12, 2018

    every single answer leads the victim to being cold detached robot-like in response to a narc. We are warm people with feelings and emotions and we care. Yet we have to grey rock, seem so stable it is quite unnatural in the face of extreme stress and high high consequences if you do one thing wrong. The pressure is enormous to become this rock solid person who acts more like a man than a woman. To become so deadened to any triggering that you are almost not human.. and much like a narc themselves. I worry about the long term effects of all this pressure to leave being a woman and a mom behind… as usual no answers to this, just an observation

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Sarah,

      Even through grey rock can be an effective tool to not feed a narcissist narcissistic supply, I much prefer complete detachment that can occur when we do the inner work with NARP to have cleared our trauma out, regarding the narcissist.

      Then the triggers become so much more subdued that we are legitimately no kinder emotionally effected by the games that this person plays.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • LightWorker27@hotmail.com'
    Matthew Jornor
    September 13, 2018

    Melanie I just feel need to share my story. even if it is not the correct post to so.

    For the almost a year I have been going emotional adventure and am still going through this year.

    I have only seen my son 3 times all of which was in court except for one, for a total four hours since was 2 months old . He is now 14 months old and i have missed out on 1 year of his life and most of his milestones. The mother has an ivo out on me based on fasle allegations, which she has no evidence and which I am currently contesting. and had a child protection case against me base on falsehoods and exaggerated truths. And while the child protection case against me is was dropped as they found no evidence of risk of Family Violence and even voiced some concerns of the mother. She doing everything she can to paint me the villian and portray herself the victim.

    I have missed the most important early milestones in his life that i will never get back.

    But Throughout my ordeal I have chosen hold my head up throughout out it all. The thing is 99% of me want run and bury my head in the sand and yet I have chosen the 1% of me that says hold your head up, stand your ground, when every part of me want to run and give up. And I fucking hate it. I hate it because I wanna run and give up, but I chose 1% that says stand your ground and and hold your head up. And I’m struggling to understand why I’m choosing the 1% and not the 99%.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2018

      Hi Matthew,

      I am so sorry that you have been separated from your son, that is so painful for you.

      I think it is wonderful that you are taking a stand for your child Matthew, it is what any loving parent would do. It must be incredible hard for you to persist, but what else is there to do?

      I wish you and your son breakthrough and a loving reuniting.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Siochain70@gmail.com'
    Aingeal Gra
    September 18, 2018

    I exposed the covert-narc in his workplace after discovering a workplace affair. He manufactured a facade of being an honest, hard-working and trustworthy family man. At home, he was lazy, irresponsible, distant and neglectful. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that exposing him saved my life. The parasitic lifestyle he led was making me disintegrate.

    Exposing him wasn’t done in haste. It was carefully considered and thought through. He went in to ‘narcissistic collapse’ because the workplace was his ‘pathological narcissistic space’ and the main source of rich, unquestioning supply. He resigned, as did his affair partner and one or two flying-monkeys. His retaliation was vitriolic, disorienting and traumatic. I saw a side to him I never knew existed, but I am grateful for it because it led to me discovering ‘Narcissism’. Researching and understanding narcissism helped me heal and I signed up to NARP.

    From what I’ve read, my understanding is that some narcissists are going to be very dangerous and unpredictable when exposed. I wasn’t in any physical danger from him, but I’ve definitely been re-traumatised by his other methods of retaliation. I don’t have a single regret though. Exposing him was the first step in my healing.

    If you’re going to do it, be smart about it.

    Thanks again Mel for sharing your wisdom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2018

      Hi Aingeal,

      I agree, it’s able to be done and we need to be working on our inner being with great diligence whilst walking this line, so that we can hold it without being derailed.

      It’s my pleasure Dear Lady!

      🙏💕❤️

  • jhrp1990@hotmail.com'
    Jean
    September 19, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this wonderful website. I have just found you, and already I am feeling hope.

    I have signed up for your free course and webinar, which I am looking forward to.

    My question is that I grew up with a narcissistic mother who to make it worse has bipolar, I stay away mostly and have minimal contact with her. My current problem is that I think my son is a narcissist, I am almost 100% sure but I still have doubt about how much of a narcissist he is. He is 20 and still lives with us, his father makes excuses for him until it gets too much then vents to me, but when I vent to him, he makes excuses for our son which is very frustrating.

    Do you have any blogs addressing the issue of dealing with narcissistic adult children? When I googled this most of the advice is to be more loving and that will fix them, which I think is a load of crap. I am a very loving person and tried my very best and then when I get responses like love them more because they didn’t get the love they needed in the past, that just makes me angry, like it’s my fault. No I know he was born that way and I am not taking the blame, just because I am his mother. Even typing this makes me feel both angry and guilty, I just need some help to clarify this so I can get my head straight. Am I wrong, is it my fault? God I hope not. The reason I think I’m not to blame is that I have another son and he is nothing like him.

    Thanks for reading and for any advice or articles you can suggest.
    Jean:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2018

      Hi Jean,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased you are feeling hope.

      Please know that as you start to work with my inner transformational tools it will help grant you relief, power and relief for the difficult circumstance you are dealing with with your son.

      Also please find this resource which I hope can help you.

      Also please know in the NARP Forum there are others who are dealing with this too who can help grant you guidance, if you start working with the NARP program.

      I hope this helps

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    September 25, 2018

    Hi Mel!

    Somehow I missed this blog when it first came out. I don’t know if you’re still reading comments on this, but I at least wanted to give it a try.

    You so NAILED IT with the info about the narc in the workplace! It is really helpful to see it written the way you wrote it. It helps me see it more clearly and objectively without the emotion clouding my sight.
    At the time I ended up at this particular job, I was reeling from a bad prior experience. Thus I came into the situation broken and wounded. This narc who was not just a coworker but my immediate supervisor, took FULL advantage of my fear in the same way a shark smells blood in the water and comes in for the kill.
    The practical and pragmatic way you outline the situation is FANTASTIC.

    Also, when you mention have “sentimentality” for the narc, this is another BINGO!!! I never thought about it that was before. My other narc is a family member. It NEVER would have occurred to me that sentimentality is the hook unless I read it in your blog.

    As always, thanks a MILLION!!!!!

    Hugs,
    Deanna

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