Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Divorce A Narcissist And Win

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 24
63
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Divorcing a narcissist is arguably one of the most traumatic experiences anyone could go through. Surviving divorcing a narcissist, may seem near impossible, let alone winning against one.

If we were divorcing a person who did have a sense of morality, there wouldn’t be a necessity to try to win! Most of us would be happy to do what is right and fair for all concerned. Yet, people when divorcing a narcissist, discover just how HARD it is to do successfully. Narcissists are not the type of people to separate decently, sensibly or compassionately.

The reality is the narcissist will be out to take from you all that they can. You will discover that you’re not just in a divorce settlement, you are fighting for everything you care about.

This article, regarding how to divorce a narcissist and win, is important, because you need to know EXACTLY what you are dealing with, as well as HOW to deal.

Before we get started, I want to say a special thank you to the people on Facebook who responded to help me write this article – offering their wisdom, insight, and experiences to assist. I have so much gratitude, as I know you will have too, for the heart and soul of our amazing Community.

Bless you all!

Okay, let’s get started with the essential starting point – know thy enemy.

 

The Mindset of the Narcissist

There are people who can settle without solicitors whilst dealing with property, assets, and children, but that’s not a narcissist.

Narcissists want more than what they are entitled to, and love to use the legal system to their advantage. They feed off our fear and pain and are merciless. They will use all and any information against you and will even fabricate information to defeat you.

As far as a narcissist is concerned, he or she is the one who has been badly treated and deserves their versions of custody, property and asset settlement. There is zero care and compassion for you or your children – it truly is all about them.

Why are narcissists so bloody-minded and inflexible about this? For this reason: once you are no longer useful for feeding their existence and significance, you are an enemy who needs to be brought down and eliminated. The narcissist will try to squeeze out of you every last drop that he or she can get; you have become totally dispensable and irrelevant, for anything other than that. Also, in the narcissist’s mind, this is the vindication for how badly they believe, with their malfunctioning neuron wiring, that you treated them.

His or her inner traumas, paranoia and terror conclude “it’s me versus you.” The narcissist believes everyone thinks the way he or she does – that no-one is to be trusted and people are all out for themselves. It’s a “dog eat dog world” according to the narcissist – strike first before you get struck down. The narcissist is energised, all consumed and has gone into damage control, needing to make the moves to eliminate you before you can hurt him or her.

The narcissist hates losing the things that their False Self deems as important to sustaining itself – money, property, possessions, and status. Human partners are dispensable; they are merely a vehicle for these things. During divorce, money and property is what the narcissist will go for, as well as the children to save face, guarantee reduced child-support and to hurt you.

Many narcissists start setting up “their new life” long before divorce proceedings. It’s likely you are a good-natured, trusting person who wouldn’t consider doing the wrong thing. Yet the narcissist has no problem – for months or even years – siphoning money out of the marriage to put in other bank accounts, transferring things into other people’s names, start hiding income, enlisting minions against you and all sorts of other assorted sordid tricks that will blow your mind.

What may also horrify you is: he or she already has a new love-partner ready for them to move in with. How you can be dismissed, replaced and brutalised, when divorcing a narcissist, will leave you reeling. This is totally normal and to be expected.

The truth sets us free, and it saves our lives emotionally and even literally. I’m not telling you this stuff to scare you,  I’m telling it to warn you and to be prepared. Because rule number 1 is: STOP expecting this person to be honest, fair, sentimental, or do the right thing.

As Dave said on Facebook:

“Remember that THEY don’t care about YOU. They will try to play upon every emotion to get all they can from you. They have zero sympathy for you. They are continuing to use you to get that last ounce of supply from you. They want to vanquish you. They do not love you like you love(d) them.”

Dave’s right … don’t even expect this person, who you shared your heart, bed, and life with, to act like a human being.

 

Trying to Battle a Narcissist With Ongoing Trauma

Some people, when divorcing a narcissist, are past the heartbreak and trauma of losing the person they believed was their soul mate. That wasn’t me and maybe that’s not you.

If we are still emotionally connected, we are in for a very hard time. We will cling to sentimentality and be triggered into intense devastation when the narcissist acts without a shred of love or kindness. We still may hope for reconciliation and we may be impervious to being manipulated into deals in the narcissist’s favour.

Even for those who are long past the feelings of longing and love, the shock is still intense that a person we once shared our life with has the capacity for deception, maliciousness and total indifference to our needs, feelings or ability to generate our future life.

During my settlement with narcissist number 1, I was terrorised, heartbroken and missed the man I thought I loved. I couldn’t accept his criminal, sociopathic, behaviour was really who he was and I kept trying to hang in there and change him. I did it all wrong. I got annihilated, and after that and healing myself, I learnt valuable lessons. I realised there is no point trying to force someone to love and look after you when they are a narcissist, and as long as I looked to him for my own “self” I wasn’t there for myself.

Since healing my broken inner child up to become the inner adult who looks after myself, there is no way now that someone could take me down like that again.

Today, I would have de-toxed myself from all deep emotional attachments to him. I would have emerged empowered, clean and clear and walked a very determined, straight line without fear. And I know the results would have been entirely different.

In fact, they have been. Since becoming my own Source, when anyone has tried to take me down, I show up as my authentic self, release all fear about that person or any persecution, and their influence and threats simply dissolve.

Yet back then, when I was going through my horrific divorce, I didn’t understand how we could release our trauma effectively, and anyone defeating a narcissist in a divorce settlement was virtually unheard of. What was the norm, was to flail around, be triggered, devastated, in shock and try to operate in a system that was completely unsupportive of that.

After having been intimately involved with so many people divorcing narcissists over the last 10 plus years, this I know – we have to get beyond the terrible traumatised feeling coursing within us, to have any hope of getting through this in one piece.

The bad new is, it is virtually impossible to just think differently when our entire nervous system is hijacked with terrible primal fears. The good news is, the NARP Program is incredibly powerful at releasing and replacing emotions that we simply can’t get past (integrate) in normal, logical ways.

Then we automatically think differently.

 

Emotion First

Thank goodness we no longer have to accept that the way we feel is something we’re stuck with. We can change it. If we embody Quantum Truths, we understand why this inner work is SO vital – to change how we emotionally feel FIRST – before trying to do anything to change our outer circumstances.

It’s the harnessing of the power of Quantum Law – so within, so without.

Just as in my own personal case, I have never heard of divorcing a narcissist, when people felt shattered and traumatised, turning out well for these people. Why? Because the Quantum Truth is this: no amount of Doingness will reverse a highly emotionally charged Beingness.

The outcome will always complete match the Beingness, because our entire lives are unfolding from within us, especially when we have a large emotional (Energy–In–Motion) charge on something. Nothing outside us is coming to rescue us from our inner terror and traumatisation unfolding. Rather, we personally have to become the Source of the Miracle, by becoming a different inner being composition in relation to what we are dealing with.

Our true power lies within, regardless of how much life and everything seems stacked up against us.  Quantum Law is absolute, when you shift your inner being in relation to ANY topic in your Life, then Life MUST follow. This Law is as absolute as gravity.

There has been one consistent prelude to the Thrivers in this Community, who received unprecedented Court settlements against narcissists – they shifted their Inner Being first. They worked hard to become strong, calm and settled inside themselves, and as completely non-reactive (as possible) no matter what was thrown at them.

The trauma of heartbreak, betrayal, deception and brutalisation from someone you loved and trusted is devastating. To NOT be a lamb led to the slaughter these terrible traumas have to be cleaned up. I promise you, after doing the inner work you won’t suffer these feelings anymore. You will know this is not personal – it is simply about a narcissist being a narcissist.

I want you to imagine that you are a character in a computer game running around under seige, and your energy level is so low the warning is bleeping “critical!”. Your inner integrity needs to be supplemented and strengthened if you are going to make it through this level, as well as the ones to come.

 

Identifying and Removing the Narcissists Power Over You

So let’s get facts straight in preparation for your divorce. When a narcissist feels he or she has stuff to lose, the gloves are off and anything goes. This is not personal – this is survival. Don’t try to deal, bargain, reason, or appeal to a narcissist – forget it – you are going to have arm yourself against a highly toxic unreasonable, entitled person and know HOW to.

Your most powerful weapon is Anti-fear.

Why Anti-fear?

Narcissists can only get you through your fear …. your fear feeds them power. It is the figurative bullets that they load up in their gun to shoot you with.

When we are triggered by the fear of what the narcissist may do, we react and try to expose the narcissist and frantically appeal to others to help us. Yet, people don’t want to get involved. They shut doors in our face, don’t listen, don’t care, switch off, and even turn against us. And, you are shocked to see how the narcissist twists it all by making you out to be the wrong and crazy one. This can lead you to lose credibility, court settlements, and even your children.

What are the ways we hand power to the narcissist unknowingly? How do narcissists get under our skin and trigger us into horrifying pain and fear? By doing this … they hit our most vulnerable parts, namely the terrors of annihilation and loss. These are deep, primal terrors that hijack and threaten our entire being.

The terror of annihilation relates to the fear that we can’t go on and survive, we can’t make it on our own anymore. We believe that the things sustaining our survival may be under threat – where we will live and how we will be able to generate money. We feel in the throes of battles with narcissists, that all and everything could be ripped away from us, threatening our literal survival.

These are the deep wounds of humanity. Absolutely in our history when people were deserted, replaced, thrown out, or defeated by enemies, they went without shelter and starved. They were susceptible to enemies and death. Is it possible that our human systems, having experienced these primal fears epigenetically, in past lives and as young children, are triggered back into this literal survival terror again?

I believe so. I know when I went through my divorce, I felt like I was going to die, and I know many of you have felt these feelings too.

The terror of loss relates to the fear of things closest to our hearts. Absolutely in times of divorcing a narcissist these fears are activated. Fear for your loved ones, special possessions, your entire life as you knew it, and your literal identity. Naturally, the greatest terror of all is fearing the loss of your children, when the narcissist threatens to take them away from you.

Now, with Quantum Freedom Healing, we can track any and all of those fears to where they are wedged within us, load them up, release them and then live free from them.  By doing so, even in the face of a terrible time (if we work hard enough at it) all these fears can become completely BENIGN in our body. That’s when everything will swing around for you.

You may be reading this thinking it is not possible, but I can assure you it totally is.

This is what Peggy had to say about this on Facebook:

“Battling a narcissist in court is one of the most challenging yet potentially rewarding and life-changing experiences one can have. I am one of the rare ones who emerged victorious on ALL fronts and came out the other side empowered, stronger and emotionally whole. Your teachings were critically important at that time and in moving forward in order to become fully self-partnered, whole and healed.

The process unfolded miraculously, including the experience of finishing up the divorce in less time than even uncontested divorces usually finalize…even though he had retained a team of attorneys and a fraudulent forensic accountant to go against me! I retained ALL of my assets, received medical compensation and everything I was owed, and he pled guilty in the criminal proceedings.  I now see this whole experience as one of HUGE blessings, as it shined a light on all the inner wounds of childhood that had always been there, and gave me the opportunity to heal fully. The cycle of victim has been broken in my life forever, and I am so grateful!”

When we remove all the ways that a narcissist can get to us, that is when narcissists unravel. They will either up the ante trying to get you to react and feed them energy, where they overstep the mark and get exposed, or they will capitulate altogether and walk away leaving you with what you want.

This is what Brittany shared on Facebook:

“I promise you, going no contact in every way possible except what is necessary, will be the way you win. It drives the narc nuts and either they lose interest or their mask starts to crack in Court. They can’t help themselves. Heal yourself as soon as possible. If you focus on that, I promise they will back off.”

I have seen both outcomes happen regularly in this Community when people detoxed themselves of all and every negative emotion concerning the narcissist and proceedings and were able to show up simply stating calm rational facts. I have also seen people who initially were caught up in terrible divorce proceedings, do the inner work and de-tox the fear, and then the whole thing shifted and spun around in their favour.

Please understand that to release ourselves of our fear under narcissistic attack is no ordinary journey, it truly is a step up into the most courageous extraordinary accomplishment that we have ever achieved. After experiencing nothing else working for us, what choice do we have but to try to win this battle a DIFFERENT way?

It all starts with tending Emotion First and setting up Anti-Fear. That’s often only possible with doing the determined inner work.

Then we can apply ourselves really well to the necessary practicalities.

 

How To Manage Communication During Divorce

Use your solicitor for any correspondence with the narcissist, and use a communication portal for your children – such as Our Family Wizard.

The children’s communication portal is ONLY in regard to the day to day parallel parenting with your children. Don’t answer anything to do with settlements or custody other than through your solicitor.

If the narcissist attempts to harass you through other channels, document all contact attempts, and apply for an intervention order to have this ceased.

When choosing a lawyer ask the right questions to see if you feel this person has enough experience and fortitude to take on a high-conflict case. Ask them for their results in dealing with such divorce settlements, until you feel comfortable that they can handle your case for you.

Joanne’s wonderful suggestion on Facebook was this:

“(Choose) a good solicitor that is used to working with women’s refuges or similar as they know the type of battle and people they are dealing with. Have a clear contact order and never budge from being business-like.  No entry to the house, no contact. Not being bullied, co-erced or manipulated…they soon find another victim and eventually leave you alone when they cannot get to you in ANY way. Dedicate your energy, thoughts, time and any assets you do have left to making the best life for yourself.”

Also, within this Community, Thrivers do talk about their successes with lawyers, and they may know of people who are in your area who can help you. It is well worth asking on my Facebook Page or in the NARP Forum if anyone has such recommendations.

 

Don’t Play a Narcissist’s Game

Don’t stoop to the narcissist’s level. Don’t get sucked into the drama and tactics. If the narcissist gets through information to you that is inflammatory and triggering, take those triggers to NARP modules and DON’T REACT. Do everything you can NOT to bite or respond, even if the narcissist is threatening you.

Don’t respond to threats, or try to cool the narcissist down or give the narcissist what he or she wants. Know your limits, trust and stick with them. Do not feel obliged to answer anything that is not reasonable.

Ignore, ignore, detach, detach and stick to facts, and don’t GIVE up ground. If you give one inch the narcissist will take ten miles.

Resist responding with your own tactics, or manipulations. Rather, play the straight, authentic game. Narcissists can’t continue to operate out in the open where truth is the powerful force.

The people who do try to play the narcissist at their own level usually come off second best, because the whole thing backfires on them. If you reduce yourself to using tactics, you have just handed the narcissist the ammunition to mow you down with. I don’t recommend fighting darkness (narcissism) with falsities. What tends to be so much more effective is being your most honest, within integrity, powerful self.

 

How to Defend Against the Dirty Tactics

Narcissists play dirty and try to chop you off at the knees so that you can’t stand up against them. If there is any sensitive information about you the narcissist will use it and may even make up whatever it takes to try to destroy your credibility. They also enlist others who have been turned against you, to do their bidding.

Be ready and unsurprised when it happens. Shed from deep within any fear, so that you can be anchored into “the truth stands always”. Don’t be shocked. Don’t react with counter dirt-throwing. Don’t diagnose what the narcissist is (a narcissist) and try to get people to realise it. (That’s actually a move that will go against you.)

Express your credibility calmly and rationally in a mature and adult way. With others, who are not a part of the legal proceedings, let go and know when the truth shines through, the people who are meant to be in your life will return to you knowing that truth.

This is Carmel’s fantastic advice:

“Stay calm and respond, don’t react. I am going through this now and have had all manner of accusations etc. thrown at me and have found the parenting wizard is a godsend for communication and proof. I have also found being clear and concise and non-emotional in court very helpful. I was actually complimented by the judge who said I was very articulate. I have had his agencies set on me and again stuck to the point and what’s important, the child, and being child-focused and I avoided saying “he did/she did” and have now been granted support for my family while trying to parent in the midst of this and support for my daughter.

If it gets too much, don’t be afraid to seek support from services and admit that its very difficult as there may be family support available for parents etc. who are trying to parent effectively in the midst of a storm. It’s not a mark against a parent, its a sign that you are the responsible parent and one that has any children’s best interests at heart and actually want to parent well. Do the NARP modules and self-care as well is important. Don’t be afraid to ask friends or family etc. for help and support and give up the notion that you are bothering people and have to do it alone. Bring supportive people to court with you for moral support.”

 

Document Everything!

When narcissists can’t trigger you or get narcissistic supply from you, and when they don’t know what is going on – their fragile, insecure egos usually lose control. Narcissists unravel under these circumstances and do stupid things.

When you stop bowing to their egoic threats, and are unperturbed and unresponsive, narcissists really don’t handle it well. Make sure any contact they do with you is exposed and accountable. When they won’t be able to help themselves, and you capture their outbursts on voice message, text, email, or Our Family Wizard you have valuable information for your case.

Have a running diary where you document the date and time of any incident – and state the facts without emotional evaluations.

I love Valerie’s suggestions that she posted on Facebook:

“Document everything! Avoid conversations and contact that can’t be documented. Screenshot texts, FB messages, Emails, etc. Record voice messages. Download the bSafe app from the playstore and use it. Download a good voice recorder. The bSafe app backs up the audio and video to their server so even if he breaks your phone you can request a copy if you need to give it to authorities.”

 

Further Resources

For added inspiration regarding How To Divorce A Narcissist And Win, I also suggest listening to these Thriver Shows which explain how NARP Members achieved unprecedented court results.

How Premi Gained Full Custody Of Her Children – Thriver Story #29

Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Story #4 Rozanne

Recovering From A Marriage With A Narcissistic Rager – Val Thriver Story #27

How Nora Triumphed Despite All Odds Being Against Her – Thriver Story #30

If you are currently battling your way through a divorce with a narcissist, I can’t suggest enough that you join me in one of my free webinars to sample what Quanta Freedom Healing (The NARP Program) can do for you, to help you gain yourself, your soul, your children and your life back.

You can sign up for my free live workshop by clicking here.

I so hope this has helped you, and I look forward to your comments and questions on this topic.

 

(Visited 15,772 times, 32 visits today)
The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)


Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
63 Thoughts on How To Divorce A Narcissist And Win
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    March 18, 2018

    When I divorced my narc, I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care if I lived or if I died. I did not contest her in court as I knew she is a very convincing liar. She got everything and left me homeless. Luckily my elderly parents needed my help, so I moved in and became their full time caregiver.

    My mother had dementia and a MD told me it would be hard to care for her. It was not hard at all, it was simple and easy compared to living with a narc for 2 decades. It was a wonderful healing experience for myself and my parents.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Stephen,

      I am so pleased you are through that time, and how wonderful you had that incredible period with your parents.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • cmd197@hotmail.ca'
    Tina
    March 18, 2018

    I wish I’d known all this when I was faced with divorce. My ex had acquired a girlfriend (formerly my “best friend”) but I didn’t realize she was his girlfriend at the time, she kept saying she’d support me, do anything for me, told me she’d befriended him to keep him distracted from me, and then “confided” to me that he would “get” me if I didn’t sign over a chunk of money that came from the sale of my my mother’s home when she died, and that things would go very badly for me indeed if I got a lawyer. She and he stood over me while I signed the separation agreement. I know now how out of my mind I was, but I was terrified. Not getting that money, nor a fair deal otherwise, meant I couldn’t carry on with my business, and my life has been one of financial desperation ever since. He goes on an expensive foreign holiday twice a year, and there are people who cut me off as they still think he’s wonderful. I’ve no emotion around him, that was done with well before the divorce, but I am still angry about the money, as my pension will be miniscule and of course he got what should have been my savings. I know I need to try to get over that!

    • lsingle52@gmail.com'
      Laurie Yair
      March 19, 2018

      Tina!

      I understand what you went thru…In 2014 Both my older daughter and now ex-narc made it impossible for me to live with. My Father bought an expensive duplex in the country where I live for us. I had tried to find a smaller home but my now ex wouldn’t look with me. The day he went on a trip was the day I had waited for for an entire year. I called movers…had what I needed all ready for that day. I was scared to leave because I have no family in this country but cannot leave my two daughters. My ex never took care of the duplex to enable him to get a low assessment of the 4-story duplex. Then there was an explosion and fire in the basement. My ex and older daughter lived without electricity for an entire year. My daughter really suffered. In the end he was able to stay in the duplex and has been repairing everything even before the divorce. The duplex cost a fortune and I will never forget my ex for what he’s done because I cannot afford to even buy an apt!

      He abuses me thru the hostel where my older daughter lives as he has gotton the hostel to go against me.
      My daughter came to the hostel with PTSD, OCD, SCHITZOPHRENIA, PSYCHOSIS AND MOOD DISORDERS. He has been trying to get me to take her in and tells her to allow me to take her in. I can’t. She is sick and doesn’t want to be on med. He has been telling her to allow me to take her in for four years. He gets the hostel to do many things against me. He has gotton the police to believe that he never did anything wrong. (He broke my wrist/threw a chair at my older daughter’s face and nearly took out an eye, threw her out of the shower, locked her out of the house. Threw her onto wet floors and outside in front of his mother….

      So now he has taken his narcisstic ways to my daughter’s hostel. They try to keep me from seeing her while he takes her out.

      Laurie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Tina,

      you went through such a terrible time, you poor thing.

      That is great you are past the feelings about “him” and I understand just how hard it is to get past the feelings of financial betrayal and abuse – I went through that profoundly myself.

      Please know there is a way to get beyond that – powerfully and so much quicker than the “normal” way.

      Tina if you come into my free webinar, I can show you how to release that trauma up and out and go free from it: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • beccamthill@gmail.com'
    Rebecca
    March 18, 2018

    I have been separated from my narc husband for almost a year. I thought we would be able to sort everything out through mediation and that he would have the best interests of the kids in mind. I was wrong, of course. It was the crippling fear, panic and devastation of finally truly realising that he couldn’t care less about us that led me to learning about narcissism for the first time and starting the NARP program 9 months ago. I have only just now got to the point of enforcing modified contact and I feel such a shift, despite the awful triggers he has tried to use on me in retaliation. I’ve suddenly stopped feeling crippled by his jabs and can now reflect upon it all quite dispassionately.

    My question is about him recording on his phone a meltdown I had after he triggered me about something. It’s from a few years ago but he’s told me that he uses it to ‘show people how scary I am’. I don’t doubt that he will use this against me in a legal context. I have no idea how to explain my behaviour without becoming defensive. What is the best way to deal with this? Should I acknowledge that I was in a difficult space and that I’m doing so much better now?

    Thank you so much. I have greatly benefited from this program – it’s been a lifesaver!

    R

    • cheryl.hercus@optusnet.com.au'
      Cheryl
      March 18, 2018

      I don’t know if my ex has any recordings of me, but there were times when I had meltdowns. I now understand that was due to the complex post-traumatic stress that I was suffering from. The sheer frustration of dealing with someone who regularly stone walls and gaslights is enough to drive anyone to melt down in my opinion. I think the key for me has been to learn to forgive myself and except that there will be some people who will believe the narcissist and see me as crazy. I think one of the NARP modules deals with the issue of self forgiveness. My ex would always trigger me into getting angry and upset whenever I tried to bring up any concerns about her behaviour. No matter how calmly I raised an issue I would be met with an angry, defensive response. I would then plead to be heard and my concerns validated. When there was no reasonable or caring response I would become angry or upset. This is their game. It is why no contact is so essential. We need to learn to respond rather than react. I think for me, part of the difficulty was the sense of shame I felt at losing my own control. Again, I think this is where we need to learn to forgive ourselves, and just keep focusing on the self-healing. As Melanie says, in the end people who are meant to be in our lives will still be there, and will see through the attempts to discredit us. All the best for your future.

      • jraltizer@gmail.com'
        Julia
        March 20, 2018

        Cheryl – well said

    • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
      Bea
      March 19, 2018

      Ladies,

      Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance….Stop living in denial. Narcs are not interested in mediations. They are vampires and Narcs survive by using your resources. They do not have soul. They are heartless. They are not compassionate. Things that you and I are capable of – they are lacking. Sooner, you realize this – sooner your healing begins. USE QUANTA Healing tools/modules. That’s your weapon, tools, support , ally to help you get through your healing. Without QUANTA modules – it will take years. Do you have years to dedicate to someone who does not even know – WHAT LOVE IS? Who did not love you?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      Oh gosh yes meditation is not great with N’s!

      How wonderful you have healed enough to be the generative source of your boundaries!

      Rebecca, al you need to do is heal the trauma of the fear of that meltdown and then just show up without the fear in you saying “that was then, because of … and this is now”

      He truly won’t get very far with it if you release all the trauma of it with NARP – it is much more likely to unfold in your favour. Work with either Mod 1 or Goal Setting or even Mod 8 if that feels more succinct for you.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel xo

    • maybeaufore@yahoo.com'
      May
      March 21, 2018

      Hi Rebecca and everyone else that has to live with this stuff!

      Melanie you literally saved my life when I stumbled on your blog!! Literally!! I don’t know what would of happened to me! I’ve been clinging onto your blog for so long now, and it has saved my LIFE! So Thank you! I read what you write like the above article and I’m literally reading my life on your page/s, it’s riveting.

      Rebecca, my ex-narc recorded me as well. Just an FYI recording someone without their consent or knowledge is a FEDERAL OFFENSE! That is a fact. If you can get it in writing and have him admit that he has recorded you IN WRITING, this is a very very powerful tool for you. My ex narc and his idiot attorney both put it in writing that he recorded me and stated that; if my attorney wanted…. the idiot would down load the recordings and send them over. The idiots even wrote the communication on his attorneys firms stationary and emailed the letter to my attorney. His attorney just admitted to knowing his client committed a Federal Offense (dumb ass). My ex narc threatened me with the recordings to scare me to sign MY house that I bought with my own money! Over to him. LOL.

      If you have a smart attorney he can send your narc a very solid cease and desist letter regarding defamation of character, slander and most of all how it’s a Federal Offense. You can actually file a complaint against him in court. But be smart…get him to admit it in writing. Your golden after that!

      XO

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 21, 2018

        Hi May,

        I am so pleased that my blog has helped!

        Wow thank you so much for that tip!

        Mel xo

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 18, 2018

    Great advice. Our court date is March 29 for pretrial. I filed in July on the 19 th which was my birthday. I was traumatized but knew I had to file. Our date is pushed out because he’s would not disclose his last 5 yrs of our companies tax returns in a timely manner so my attorney had to subpoena them. I pray they find all the missing cash they he stole from our compan. I am so greatful that it was pushed out because it allows me to work on myself. I’m only in module 3 but I plan on finishing all models before court. I feel the slight shift. I’m going to be ok. I’m going to be better than ok…. my wish is for my brother to see his mask fall off.

  • yumitakanz@yahoo.com'
    Yumi
    March 18, 2018

    Thank you so so much for this article!!

    I am now going through separation and having so much trouble from ex.
    It is so funny that I started to do Mel’s healing programe since last July and things are changing so much. I used to be so scared and timid, but now I think a lot of my fear and trauma has been shifted and truly my life is changing as well as myself.

    I will continue to use Narp and Mel’s program to be successful with my separation.

    Thank you, Mel, you are saving my life!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Yumi,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so happy for you that things have shifted so much!

      Keep Thriving Yumi!

      Mel xo

  • crb15@shaw.ca'
    cathy
    March 18, 2018

    My divorce was terrible,,but only took 6 months,,he tried all kinds of tactics to get everything,, he even called Child Protection on me and said” i was abusive to my son ” all lies ,,i finally realized that responding with only the facts and prove of them ,,,without emotion was the best way,,i finally got what i needed except spousal support,,he left me when i was extremely sick with liver failure and I got a liver transplant 10 months later,,,the best thing i ever did was leave him,9 he was cheating for a year before i knew ) ,the hardest part was my son 17 decided to live with him,,I am doing great 15 months no contact,,,the best i can offer is don’t take it personel i know easier said then done,,, and get a good lawyer,,and absolutley record everything ,,i would use my phone to audio tape him,,when i would listen to it later he sounded almost unhuman like ,,,and have lots of friends and family around to support you,,,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Cathy,

      Wishing you continued healing and strength.

      You have been through so much!

      Mel xo

  • senta@sentalewis.com'
    Sen
    March 18, 2018

    I was married to what I came to understand was a covert Narcissist …. drum roll… repeat pattern!
    This information would have been so useful at the time of my divorce 15 years ago. Everything you say is true – I fell into most of the pitfalls mentioned through sheer ignorance at the time.
    To all those who are feeling terrified and powerless, become aware of your fears and feelings of disempowerment, do the work and stick with the Truth. Melanie’s advice is priceless. Not only will you not make self-sabotaging decisions, just to get the hell out of the relationship, but most importantly you will learn to stand up for what is right rather than who is right.
    The advice of ‘no contact’ and only communicating via your lawyer, when getting divorced, is critical – please heed this, the Narc will try every trick in the book to get you to talk directly with him/her and then to continue manipulating you into believing that they only want what’s fair. Yeah right! This was one of my biggest mistakes.
    Growing up with a covert Narc father and overt Narc brother laid the foundation of terror in me. I have found NARP has helped me so much in shifting this terror.
    The chance of meeting people with narcissistic personalities is always there. I am determined to remain mindful of the lessons learnt and respond in a transformed authentic way rather than react from the old fearful false self.
    Thank you Melanie, I have become a less frightened human being….. the journey continues xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Sen,

      I am so pleased you have been able to do what was required and work at healing you!

      Big kudos to you to do that whilst being under fire 🙂

      BRILLIANT you have been able to shift out the terror and emerge as “you” because of NARP.

      So much love and strength to you in your continued journey.

      Mel xo

  • nikkigunjan07@gmail.com'
    Gunjita Gupta
    March 18, 2018

    Thank you Melaine!! Very informative 🙂

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Bea
    March 18, 2018

    My Narc dragged on my divorce for 3yrs. with various financial demands. We did not have children (Thank God!!) yet my ex’s delay tactics, demands, manipulations, lies etc – he kept prolonging the divorce… It was draining in so many ways and on so many levels. It was a very dark period of my life. No matter what I did – nothing seem to work.

    I went through 5 lawyers. I seemed to have attracted narc lawyers. Like I said, it was a very dark period of my life. I finally landed the right one that understood Narcissism. He finally brought our divorce to an end. IF you are in Los Angeles area and need a great attorney that can stand up to narc…. His name is Charles Taylor in Valencia, CA.

    I have yet to figure out why evil in this world gets the BEST lawyer??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Bea,

      thank you for your recommendation.

      I really think it is so about when we are traumatised and victimised (and haven’t cleared that out of our inner being yet) we just GET the total confirmation of “that”!

      I believe that’s the thing going on!

      Mel xo

  • micke@trenco-iris.com'
    Mikael Karlsson
    March 18, 2018

    One very important issue which I did not see in this otherwise very informative article, is that if you have children involved the narcissist will very often manipulate the children against you. Suddenly, the kids don’t want to visit or stay with you, they don’t even want to talk with you. The narcissist mother of father will just seem to not know what is going on, but they are often using a hidden smear campaign agains you like they are smearing you in public. Pay much attention to this, because it is very hurtful and almost not repairable if the narcissist manages with this smear campaign. And the children will be the most affected for a long time…in the worst of cases maybe forever 🙁

  • aiameeting@yahoo.com'
    Bea
    March 18, 2018

    Steps I took with Quanta Healing were.

    1. Acceptance – Accept I was married to a heartless soul. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance….Stopped living in denial.
    2. Narc will use anything to generate FEAR & throw you off balance – children, new girlfriend, money, property, possessions, and status.
    3. Narc’s definition of LOVE is not yours. Otherwise, you would still be married to them.
    4. Be prepared for threats from the court, false claims, lies, manipulations. Narc’s are not normal.
    5. Find a lawyer. That understands narcissism and used to dealing with false demands, claims, threats.
    6. Keep doing quanta modules – quicker you heal – sooner your divorce will come to an end. Take it from a person – who had to learn this the hard way. It took me 3 yrs. to end a divorce after 5 1/2 months of marriage.

    Thanks,
    Bea

  • carolanne7703@gmail.com'
    Surviving
    March 18, 2018

    I’m currently going through a divorce with the narsassist from hell. It’s good to read this article and it helps. When he discarded I had no feelings left for him and had been looking for a way out but going round in confused circles as to what to do. So when he did the enivatable the feeling I had was RELIEF. Because of the juristication we were in (Middle East) I had to act very quickly, it has been enormously complicated and my health has suffered. But funnily I used my gut instinct and went immediately on the attack, finding my rights out and using the system there. Unfortunately the case has gone on for over a year with no resolution but hopefully will be shortly concluded. I stopped contact 5 months ago. Although he has escaped the juristication and run to Australia he has effectively destroyed his life in the legal process. I have had moments where I doubted myself and started what if I’d done this or done that – it may have worked – lol what an idiot I was thinking that – but that’s stopped now as I feel only disgust for him and shame for him and his behaviour. I spent all our married life blaming myself and confused but somehow my self dignity always questioned what was going on. I met a doctor who has become a good friend since all this started and it was she who told me he was a narrsasist. I always thought it was a name that was banded around alot but now I realise he is a text book case and there is no hope for him. It was a RELEVATION. The hardest part is realising how I wasted all my time and energy unnessasarily. As I begin my journey to well being and trying to finish the legal stuff I need to rid myself of the trauma, literally build my life from scratch again and reconnect with those I care about. Most importantly rid of myself of the reasons it happened in the first place so I never have to go through anything like this again. I do feel a terrible injustice has been done and how unfair it all is. What a sucker I’ve been.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Surviving,

      that is so great that you are out and standing up for you – now truly once you heal the trauma you will go to the next level of your life.

      I promise when you get there there will be no regret – because you and your life will be more awesome than you could ever imagine.

      Truly that is the gift you can look forward to, and you are on your way – realising the inner healing is the key.

      Mel xo

  • Susienote@yahoo.com'
    Susan
    March 18, 2018

    There is a great book called Splitting by Bill Eddy who is a lawyer & a social worker. It’s about high conflict divorces and the court battle. It has great suggestions. I give it out as an engagement present.

    • bcuerden@gmail.com'
      Becca
      March 20, 2018

      Yes, It’s an excellent book. It outlines what you will face. It’s a reality check.
      Thanks for mentioning this!

    • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
      Natasha McClain
      May 27, 2018

      Ha!

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 18, 2018

    I feel compassion for those who have children with narcs. I wish you all deep healing.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      March 19, 2018

      Thanks. Fortunately our son figured all this out on his own!

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    March 19, 2018

    Narcissist can be dangerous too. Mine hid outside my apartment in the bushes and tried to strangle me. Fortunately a stranger came by and pulled him off me. The police did nothing. I think if Ns perceive they are pushed into a corner they are capable of anything. When dealing with this guy I am as our son puts it “overly cautious”. This would be why. I have pampered, coddled, walked on egg shells, raised our son without support, etc for years now. The best I can really do is just stay miles away (and for the most part I do).

    • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
      Natasha M
      May 27, 2018

      OMG – definitely get a restraining order and protect yourself and your son in any way you can. Take care.

  • eeo_456@yahoo.com'
    Ev
    March 19, 2018

    I read most everything I can about Narcissist abuse as I have an older sister who groomed me since I was a little kid. Despite the warnings of my parents, who actually used the term “Narcissist” when describing my sister, I blindly followed my sister’s directions. I have been no contact with my sister since 2010, that is when my mother died, of whom I was care giver. My father died years before, and I took on the responsibilities of watching over and caring for all my older relatives. I had no help for many years, then my sister came in after her husband died, and then I really learned what Narcissism can be.

    So far, since going no contact on medical professional’s and legal advice, I have been victim of how ruthless my sister can be. Having property I own being used, destroyed or out right taken without giving me any compensation. Then the lies spread about me and my long gone elder family members are incredible. Seeing the destruction, the pain doled out, and my sister’s kids carrying on such things and being involved in the taking and abuse of myself while I have been injured from accidents and ill are mind boggling. I was always told that it was all my fault. I am an Empath and noted for volunteering and helping others.

    I feel that finding an attorney who understands and actually will help me is now needed. I spent a lifetime caring for long held family property, bought it, worked it, and my sister and her kids have taken the benefits nor have they helped me with anything. I’ve been told by people for years that I need to think of myself, because I’m literally all I have.

    So I wonder if “Divorcing a Narcissist” also pertains to my sister and her kids? I literally may have to find a way to sell all I have, move somewhere else and find peace. But I don’t like being chased away.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      March 19, 2018

      This is similar to my situation. I divorced my Ex husband years ago but can’t get rid of him. He is currently on my property (he has been asked to leave several times) and I work 400 miles away. He does absolutely nothing and the property and house is a total wreck. I want to sell the place but it involves giving him notice, getting him off the property and hopefully the property is fixable. He has gotten away with burning down two previous houses. He rented those properties and was asked to leave. If he gets mad there is no telling what he will do. He is highly manipulative and good at getting what he wants. It seems that mooching off people is also a Narcissist trait!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Ev,

      my heart goes out to you.

      Yes, absolutely the principles and inner healing foundation are the same – in combating any narcissist in our life.

      I wish you strength and resolution.

      Mel xo

  • jimmywoodworker@live.com'
    Jimmy W.
    March 19, 2018

    This is very constructive material to use while going through a divorce. My divorce was finalized two+ years ago. While I might not have had the best deal from mediation, I did give up a lot initially. I was paying a lot of alimony up front, and it has lowered since then, and in 9 months it will go lower.

    Problem now is that she’s taking me back to court to get more money for child support. My argument to the court is that she doesn’t deserve an increase because she has not even done one thing to look for a job or to even get any source of income other than me. She admitted to the court that she realizes she needs to get gainful employment, yet has done nothing since. To me that is lying to a judge, which they don’t like very much. She has done nothing to further her financial burden of raising children. Absolutely nothing. In fact she’s done something worse. She now spends all this money on a food blog with my oldest daughter. Something that does not get one dollar of income, from any source. It’s just a food blog.

    I started a new job a few months after my divorce, and she filed two days after to get more child support then. I’ve been living under a temporary agreement since that time, and now that I’ve got a few increases in pay and a nice bonus. She now wants to finalize it. All of the court and lawyer fees to get about a $100-$200 increase per month amount to likely nearly $15,000+.

    These NARCs also just do this kind of stuff on principle (maybe a better way of saying it is a lack of principles!), just to get back at you. All this is just to get more money, but rather than me spending about $8,000 of those lawyer fees on the children myself, she wants to get lawyers involved to force me to pay her more.

    With the increase, whatever it will be will take many, many years to even have her break even, let alone me to pay that increase and extra for my lawyers.

    These people are just sick. Sick I tell you. And of course it is all my fault. LOL surrrre!

  • drmallikagoyal1@gmail.com'
    stronger
    March 19, 2018

    So very true…Anti-Fear is key.. they use our fear to get us into knots and comply with whatever they want…mine used fear of violence, verbal abuse, threats of suicide, threatening messages to me and my family, child torture (by throwing tantrums before our child), threat of leaving home etc at different stages of life to get me to marry him and then keep falling in line with whatever madness was unfolding… they craft the threat to whatever will work best at the time…. giving no response when possible, or an effective response (got the police to knock on our door when he was preventing my entry into our joint property) is critical to getting rid of their hold on us..

  • steveharveysyd@outlook.com'
    Steve
    March 19, 2018

    I am in the last month of a three and a half year separation. He took double what he was entitled to, including my father’s inheritance and the dog I bought. He even got away with insurance fraud on my policy but he was protected by a fraudsters right to privacy!

    I still consider myself the winner as of next month he will be completely out of my life!

  • saltieri89@hotmail.com'
    DivorcedNOW
    March 19, 2018

    I wish that I knew all of this going into my divorce, but, unfortunately I did not even know that I was married to a Sociopath for thirty five years. (1) Do not even attempt mediation with a Sociopath. Seven hours and three hundred lies later, I was a trembling wreck and walked out. My statement was “My past may have been based upon his lies, but my future will not be!” (2) Do not use your attorney as a sounding board. I learned this many thousands of dollars too late. This being my first divorce, I called him each and every time a new detail of his affair and compulsive gambling were uncovered. Cost me plenty with not much additional coming my way.

    My divorce was final sixteen months ago… and I’ll never know how much income he hid from me. I came out ok and am content knowing that I am no longer a part of that sick person’s life. He will forever have to live with what he did.

  • danasvetlikova@yahoo.co.uk'
    Dana
    March 20, 2018

    I am going through final court proceedings (that started last July) right now. My narcissistic ex (who was convicted of domestic violence, battery against me) got together with my abusive father and they are both out to destroy me with the most horrendous lies and smear campaign.. the abuse continues via courts….they demand contact with my baby daughter. There’s a restraining order in place. I have been through 7 court hearings and moved 5 times in the last 16 months, including a Refuge. Just me and my baby. Final hearing is coming up in April. I am terrified he will get contact as some people (even some in authority who should be educated on the subject) seem to think it’s ok for an abuser who is still in denial to get contact with child, because “a child needs both parents”, no matter how nasty, manipulative and violent one of them is. Despite his conviction he somehow still manages to convince some people that he is the good guy and I am the crazy one.. I have been through hell in the last 2.5 years. It seems neverending. I’m scared he will never stop. I have come a long way but I realise I still have a long way to go. I feel lonely. My question is: If I have to loose the fear and not be scared of him, what do I say in court? Because if I say I’m not scared of him they will allow contact with child… and the abuse will continue… Please help xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2018

      Hi Dana,

      I am so sorry you are going through this – that is so painful.

      Dana truly you can say you are scared to the authorities – because it is frightening whilst having a solid powerful calm in your body. Then we can express the truth of the situation whilst staying calm and powerful in our bodies.

      Yes, you are concerned for your child and self – that is what you would state – because it is concerning EVEN when you no longer feel derailed inside about it.

      Does that make sense?

      Mel xo

      • danasvetlikova@yahoo.co.uk'
        Dana
        March 21, 2018

        Hi Mel,

        thank you so much for your response.

        Yes, it does make sense, thank you! I am so determined to get to the place where you are… a solid powerful calm in the body no matter what…

        May I please also ask… what about the narcissistic ex… if he hears me saying that I’m still terrified of him in court … isn’t this just going to encourage him to keep going.. to continue his abuse, to start more court proceedings, to just not let it go? Because that’s what he likes and wants, isn’t it, the fear…. Do they ever stop? How do I make him stop being obsessed by me and move on?

        Thank you,

        Dana xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 21, 2018

          Hi Dana,

          You are so welcome.

          In stating how you feel, you can state that you have a right to live without fear and that it’s not okay that you do. Matter of fact and calmly and powerfully. It is not about acting like a victimised irrational person in court.

          The more rational you are the more credible. And if the narcissist knows you are solid, sane and mean business that in no way inspires him to continue.

          Does that clarify?

          Mel xo

          • danasvetlikova@yahoo.co.uk'
            Dana
            March 21, 2018

            Yes, it clarifies very well. Thank you very much Mel. I feel calmer and more confident just reading your words.
            Thank you for your wonderful work. I shall listen to your videos daily.
            Lots of love, all the best to you xx

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 22, 2018

            Hi Dana,

            that is great sweetheart!

            So much love to you too

            Mel xo

          • natasha.mcclain@gmail.com'
            Natasha M
            May 27, 2018

            Melanie – I am always astounded at how prolific, astute, and articulate you are about these subjects. The sheer/vast amount of writing you do, the blogs, videos, and modules – all of it is incredibly impressive. You are a clear example of someone who was “born” to do the work you do, and while I’m sure going through all you’ve been though was devastating at the time, your journey helps us all. It’s been so helpful to refer to your work whenever I’ve felt at the end of my rope. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m still working through it all, and it’s taking me a much longer time than anticipated, however I’m feeling stronger and am encouraged by everyone’s stories and contributions. The weird thing is, even while my life seems to be getting harder and harder, I’m managing and not falling entirely apart. Wish I had a success story to share – I will post it as soon as I get there.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            May 27, 2018

            Hi Natasha,

            Thank you for your lovely words Dear Lady and I am so pleased that I can inspire you that it is possible to truly heal from this.

            Have you tried the transformational healing path rather than just the informational one?

            It really does take healing to another level.

            I’d love to invite you to my free transformational resources if you are not already working with them https://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freeresources and if you are NARPing … are you in the Members Forum reaching out for coaching so that we can help you midwife your healing breakthrough powerfully? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

            I hope this helps support you further Natasha.

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mellymulvey@gmail.com'
    Melissa
    March 21, 2018

    Melanie, I honestly believe you are an angel. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful, encouraging, life supporting messages. This particular article popped into my email just after I had thought to myself ‘I am completely at his mercy in my divorce’ I now understand and know that this is not true. I am working my NARP modules and know that I AM IN CONTROL OF ME & HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER ME ANY LONGER. I am so happy to be divorcing him – I never thought I would say that!! You and your work are so dear to me, love, hugs and blessings to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2018

      Hi Melissa,

      I am so happy that you feel inspired and your power return!!

      You’ve got this Dear Lady 😀

      It’s my pleasure and wishing you incredible healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    March 21, 2018

    I wonder if this applies to getting child support? I have not gotten child support from the last narcissist in my life because it is leverage to keep my child safe. He had two other children to support until recently and now only has one other child to support. This has kept the narcissist at bay and away from us.

    Because I feel the narcissist is unsafe to have in my son’s life and my son has not always been physically well, I have struggled financially since he was born, even though I am well-educated and have many opportunities in my life. I just can’t be two places at once. I can either be available for my children or be at work – either/or – and this is a truth about being a single parent that I now know. There is nothing about education that changes things for single parents when the children are very young.

    Is it worth it? I often have felt that I would be taken down by someone who knows the legal system and has no sense of right or wrong – exactly what they do. That has been another reason for not asking for child support. I am not sure if I could forgive myself if my son ended up having contact with this person who just hurts everyone he comes into contact with, eventually.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2018

      Hi Megan,

      There is many different views about that which people tend to have.

      My personal view is that narcissists rarely get forced into paying child support simply. They hide money, they play games, they generally cause all sorts of angst and yes there could be the risk of this person coming back into you and your child’s life.

      My belief is that the more we don’t need a narcissist and can become our own generative source the healthier we and our children can be.

      Mel xo

  • hammond.marcia@gmail.com'
    Marcia Hammond
    March 22, 2018

    Hi Mel you are such a wonderful light in the darkness of all this sadness.
    My son is going through this right now and although he has the help of a great support group I can hear that he looses control of his emotions now and then, my problem is that I keep harbouring thoughts of murder, yes I know it’s insane and my therapist told me that she can’t see me going through with it but I fully understand now why some people resort to murder. Luckely we live on different continents.
    It’s just so hard to sit quietly by and hear my son go through this hell not to mention the hurt my grandchildren are suffering
    God bless you Mel 💓

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2018

      Hi Marcia,

      I can totally understand how people have those thought too.

      Please know when we heal those thoughts go, and also our children seem to heal with us.

      It’s the only real way I know to get better, release the trauma.

      Sending many blessings to you and your son … and healing and love.

      Mel xo

  • Debbie.saklatvala@hotmail.co.uk'
    Debbie
    March 23, 2018

    Hi Mel, I really am surprised at what happened today. I have been backwards and forwards over the last few weeks trying to sort out and agree settlements and finances with my husband prior to a divorce. He was suggesting lowering payments and putting clauses into the agreement. I got to the point where I thought to myself yesterday, just let it all go. I wanted rid of the unhealthy energy and made a decision to be responsible for the rest of my life and that I didn’t need to rely on someone else to make me feel safe and secure. I have had enough of mental, emotional and physical abuse,manipulation and drama. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. Today I received an email that stated he agrees to my requests and will pay the full amount until my son finishes his full time education. He totally gave up!!!! I feel others need to hear this ……..Thanks Mel for the amazing work that you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      what you have said is BANG on!

      When we no longer NEED someone else to become our source and make peace with them not being and being that for ourselves, everything shifts.

      I am so not surprised this was your outcome – it happens regularly.

      Massive kudos to you Debbie and thank you for sharing in order to inspire others.

      Mel xo

  • azeiler63@gmail.com'
    Alfred
    March 24, 2018

    My ex-wife constantly told me I was a narcissist; so much so that I eventually believed her after 25 years of marriage. We’ve been divorced now for over 7 years, and up until today when I read this blog, I still believed I was somewhat of a narcissist. Even my current fiance could not completely convince me otherwise. This blog so precisely describes my ex-wife, it’s scary. With the exception of having a lover, she did everything this blog says a narcissist will do during our divorce (plus a few extras). The most profound thing my counselor told me was that she no longer had permission to push my buttons; basically to disconnect from her and not react. When I was finally able to do that, the healing process began. Thank you for this blog!! I wish I had found it sooner.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2018

      Hi Alfred,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased you are here now too!

      That is great that you are detaching and healing. Big kudos to you 🙂

      Mel xo

      • azeiler63@gmail.com'
        Alfred
        March 27, 2018

        Mel,

        You are truly helping more people than you know. Now that I know what to look for, I just sent a few clients to your blog; I’m a forensic accountant dealing mainly with family law issues.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 27, 2018

          Hi Alfred,

          That is wonderful … thank you so much for your support Dear Man.

          Mel xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *