Melanie Tonia Evans

Can You Be An Empath Without Being A Target For Narcissists?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 15
143
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I am proud of caring about other people – and I know you are too.

But do we, as a result of having been abused, have to toughen up, guard our heart, stop being giving and trusting and shut down to ourselves, life and others in order to be safe?

The great news is I don’t believe we have to … and in today’s Thriver TV episode I am going to take you through a step-by-step journey today, to show you how you can be an awesome, beautiful, giving person AND be safe …. not just from narcissists, but also safeguarded against being taken for granted by anyone ever again.

Today’s episode is all about being a beautiful, kind-hearted person who will never get taken down by a narcissist again – The Quantum Way.

Meaning you don’t have to go into contraction and defenses trapping all your fear and pain inside you – which is not just intensely painful but also means a continuation of the depression, anxiety and emotional pain that you are suffering.

Or … that you have to pull back in life, dim down, hide out and give up all human connection to avoid ever getting hurt again – therefore ceasing to engage in life.

Do we have to give up being a GOOD person, because there are so many BAD people in the world?

Can we still be GOOD and keep the BAD out?

Absolutely we can – like the beautiful boundary boss we all have the right and power to be!

Discover these 6 life-changing steps today about how to be the AMAZING loved and lovable person you are, who will NEVER get narcissistically abused or taken for granted again.

Access the 4 Part Video Wellness Workshop by Dr Christiane Northrup.

This is one of the most important messages for sensitive, loving people to get right – being able to have a great life ourselves as well as help generate that for others in HEALTHY ways.

Otherwise, would our life be worth living, if we had to stop being who we really are?

I don’t think it would, and that is why I passionately wanted to talk about this topic with you today!

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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143 Thoughts on Can You Be An Empath Without Being A Target For Narcissists?
  • pennylshure@gmail.com'
    penny
    March 14, 2018

    it feels safe, kind, comforting, loving and fun

    • gmw217@outlook.com'
      georgia
      March 15, 2018

      it feels amazing, peaceful, comforting, loving

    • thankinggod123@outlook.com'
      T
      March 17, 2018

      It feels upleveled, seemless, amazing, exciting, peaceful, validating, kind, and like a love I have not ever experienced before. I left my ex June 2015. In December, I found the new love of my life who we can be our true selves with each other. It feels like a soul-mate and the warmest hug from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head. I feel like I can accomplish anything and while I still have progress to make, I am thankful for your videos and NARP for helping me gain love and life. Thank you!

  • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
    Jess
    March 14, 2018

    Mel, I was that junky. I married after 8weeks and was pregnant at 12 weeks in.. Ive been single 14 months now. But with 2 kids 5 and 7. He forgot we exist. Has a new source. Doesn’t support the kids or see them. I am struggling to let go. I stalk social media, Google track etc to see what he’s doing. Mostly to see if he is working so I can get support but when I see what they do it still hurts and I imagine he treats her opposite of how he treated me and then I go into “what was wrong with me” I was nice I was trusting I was loving blah blah blah…I want to tell her how badly he treated me and he abandoned his kids. I want justice. I want acknowledgement. I want someone to love me. Seems like everyone else gets love. Even her now from him. Why couldn’t he love me? Please advise

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Jess,

      you poor thing – I so relate.

      Hun, oh gosh it is so about repairing our traumas of never feeling loved enough to be whole. There is such a truth in that: we will only accept the level of love that is in relation to the level of love we know how to “be” to ourselves.

      This is never actually about “them” Jess – it is about us healing the fractures that have never allowed us to feel whole, worthy and organically loveable – always trying to get love from all the wrong places outside of ourselves.

      I was like this too Dear Lady until I healed it – and there is no other way – no one is coming to rescue us from ourselves.

      If you are ready to find the true way home – I’d love you to start connecting to my healing resources, which healed me and so many others. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

      • tohairbyshell@gmail.com'
        Michelle
        March 14, 2018

        This is so true thank you again Mel much appreciated we need to love ourselves and make our own self happy and then we can help and love other people I totally get it and it’s so right and I have been doing this for 6 months now and it works it really does I’ve never been happier well done Mel much love to you and everyone here xoxoxo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 15, 2018

          Hi Michelle,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          I am so thrilled for you that you are this happy.

          Mel xo

      • anastasia.bethany@gmail.com'
        Anastasia Tcherepanova
        March 16, 2018

        Melanie, I amo not quite sure how to write a comment on this system, I only see the “reply” button so used it. I would just like to sincerely compliment you on this video – i ve paused it at 11.34 to write a comment to you and thank you because you are spot on in terms of the inner problems one faces when dealing with a narcissist. but the question i ask myself – what if it s not the narcissist, it me who is the problem? what if im imagining that the person i am dealing with is a narcissist? I mean there is no way to diagnose, to know for sure… How do I know if she definitely has that disorder and its not just all in my head?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 16, 2018

          Hi Anastasia,

          Thank you for your compliment and your post.

          This may help you Anastraisto get clarity with this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa75ynfu4WI

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

          • anastasia.bethany@gmail.com'
            Anastasia Tcherepanova
            March 17, 2018

            Melanie – you star !
            Thank you so much my dear for your quick reply and brilliant videos where you help us heal through some very simple, yet somehow so difficult to realise truths, like the stopping to blame for example… Quick question: What do you mean by “we should MEET our inner traumas” ? What does that mean? Watched , and liked your video 🙂

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 19, 2018

            Hi Anastasia,

            please know it is my pleasure 🙂

            Meeting our inner trauma is about self-partnering.

            Anastasia, you can experience exactly what that means as the process that allows us to find, release and live free of trauma here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

            Mel xo

  • mblocke66@gmail.com'
    Mary Beth
    March 14, 2018

    I don’t even know what that sort of relationship would be like. I’m so used to keeping my true thoughts and feelings to myself to appease the narc. I only share my true thoughts and feelings with my sister and closest girlfriend who is also married to a narc. The thought of sharing openly and honestly with a member of the opposite sex is terrifying to me.

  • ball-kim@att.net'
    Kim
    March 14, 2018

    feels terrifying!

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 14, 2018

    It feels safe and warm but a tiny bit scary

    • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
      Andrea
      March 14, 2018

      This was a good video Mel, well they all are but I have been suffering from this pinging in my chest due to the fact that my brother and sister inlaw keep in touch w/ him. They cannot see he’s a covert. I try and look great and confident at family functions. I just feel this awful ache in my chest that they didn’t rescue me. I need to get over this so I can move forward. They may never know what he truly did to me

      • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
        Jess
        March 14, 2018

        My own mother and sister in law also are friends with my ex and haven’t spoke to me in 15 months. But my mother is Narc also and smitten with him and the attention he gives her.. Its hard but actually glad to be rid of all of them. A lifetime of abuse.

        • deborah_crockett@ymail.com'
          Deborah
          July 19, 2018

          Jess- I had the same.. my family took his side as they couldn’t see the truth.. blood relations aren’t always loyal.. stay true to yourself and better people will come into your life who deserve you. I haven’t seen my sister for 5 years.
          Take care
          Deb

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 14, 2018

        Hi Andrea,

        sweetheart truly when you let go of all of that – you will be amazed who sees and gets the truth – but it will only be when your wholeness and power does not rely on it.

        Be it and it will come, and as you know the key is – let go of all need and pain that they don’t!

        Mel xo

        • luciddreamyogini@gmail.com'
          Belle
          March 15, 2018

          What Melanie says is true! More and more frequently, co-workers I hadn’t connected with much before are now connecting more with me and I’m discovering that behind the scenes, the issues I’ve had with narcs at work are well known and being handled. So many times I want to scream WHY DO THESE PEOPLE STILL HAVE JOBS!!!! BUT – when I look away from that and keep the focus on my own life, I see more and more how my career trajectory is improving. Others who see the truth are on my side, mentoring me and I see more and more that my success has nothing to do with the narcs!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 15, 2018

            Hi Belle,

            that is so wonderful that you are powerfully breaking through in this space!

            Mel xo

        • danspen123@hotmail.com'
          Danielle
          March 16, 2018

          Hi Mel.This is the first comment I’ve made in the four years I’ve been tuning in. Yours was the first video I ever watched and it saved me! Thankyou! It also felt good to hear an Australian voice. I’ve made a lot of progress but still remain in touch periodically with Narc. There are no children or property etc involved. I feel so angry with myself for letting him in…contact always makes me feel ‘off’ and I lose sleep and focus. I would love an intimate connection in my life but when I’m honest, I just dont believe it will happen . I feel old and on the heap…even tho ppl say I’m vibrant & attractive. (I’m 52). I hate that I can’t well and truly walk away from my ex. I ALWAYS break contact…and he seems to know I always will. I feel at the end of my tether. Should I move to another town? Its taken so long for me to find a nice job and stable living… I’ve moved 14 times in the 6 years I’ve known him. Nothing seems to work.. Sorry for this long winded comment. D

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 19, 2018

            Hi Danielle,

            I am so pleased I have been able to help 🙂

            Please know dear lady, when you find and heal within, what it is that is still assigning him as the source for you – you will become that to yourself and all attraction will cease.

            Also, you will be free to generate and create something so much better!

            Please come into my free webinar – it’s time Danielle – to learn how to do this to change it once and for forever!

            https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freeweinar

            Mel xo

  • terriegwen@gmail.com'
    Terrie
    March 14, 2018

    Safe, free, content, whole

  • pfe@sympatico.ca'
    Copper
    March 14, 2018

    It feels warm, limitless – I am inspired and I am inspiration

  • Rubyemily7@yahoo.com'
    Emilyv
    March 14, 2018

    How does it make me feel to imagine being 100% fully open heart with someone? Terrified…I just watched the clip again to make sure I had your wording right, and my heart started beating very fast. I am terrified of having my heart /soul open like that.

    • Rubyemily7@yahoo.com'
      Emilyv
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Mel,
      As far as believing in the future life that awaits me…I have a little spark, a little resonance with the idea. I also have a big cloud of doubt around it. I’m starting to develop the connection that I can feel that doubt (or whatever) and shift it with Quantum Healing, but I’ve mostly been working module 1 and not Goal Setting yet. I’m getting better at being able to feel my feelings now, and now that I’ve checked in I found a massive amount of pain that I’ve been numbing out most of my life…I recognized it when I finally got in touch with it, like, “oh! Hello there, I remember you. So this is what I’ve been running from.”
      I sometimes struggle to let things go during the tornado section, and sometimes it feels like there’s a never ending well. I’ve added tapping, and that helped me open up more space/energy for self care to do the modules. Thank you so much for everything you do, Mel, and for gathering such an amazing group of thrivers. You’ve been a lifeline for me. I do have faith that I can get better.

  • jasdon13@yahoo.com'
    Avril
    March 14, 2018

    I decided to move away from the city that I can’t afford, the job I hate, and the man with narcisstic traits that I can’t change for myself or my kids (especially them). I’ll probably be with him up until the point of departure and I’m really concerned about how my spirits will be. I have your quantum healing series ready, might need a doctor, and a few healthy friends when I’m settled. Do you think that my journey away from him will be the best thing I ever did and will your series really help me heal myself? Or will I be devistared and fall deeper into depression? I’ve thought about this for months, not having a clue….Honestly, I’m afraid of loneliness. All I ever wanted was a family.
    In the end I keep thinking if he was right for me, he’d be by my side and/or he would have helped me here. I’m so ready to heal from a life long addiction to narcisstic men and start to have boundaries and love myself. The kids and I deserve a better me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Avril,

      absolutely you need the space to heal, and once you start releasing the trauma, the relief and healing will begin.

      You’ve got this Avril and please know, myself and this incredible Community is here to help support you.

      Please link to the Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member These people are your tribe who understand – ready to help support you when you need.

      Mel xo

  • mallory4615@gmail.com'
    Cynthia
    March 14, 2018

    Freedom, warm, safe, open, equal, overflowing, abundant, beautiful, happy, loved, cared for, understood.

  • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
    Janet
    March 14, 2018

    I have been on my own for 9 years and have just meeting whether it’s a man or a woman in local coffee shops allows people like us to meet a variety of people practicing speaking up…this I found was something not in me growing up…I wasn’t raised to develop my own thoughts or opinionms so being able to talk with a variety of people provides the perfect venue for practice. One man who I simply became friends with allowed for my inner thoughts to come forth when for the first time I was asked my opinion. Trust me for empaths this is the most empowring feeling…someone is indicating they do respect you and are curious…but overall this can be achieved by striking up conversations with anyone…this I found has been good practice because it makes you develop your opinions…and not withon a dating structure…but in a more natural format…I also found looking around at healthy marriages among friends allowed for that to develop too….so when you do run into the narcissist type it leaves you feeling sick inside and that is a feeling to trust…if anyone is moderately or extremely rude I learned I can be frank with them rather than thinking I have to be nice with them…I have been learning over the years that I will no longer people please or caretake….it’s learning to trust my instincts and intuition…if something doesn’t feel right it’s because it doesn’t….my inner strength has grown over 9 years…it’s okay to use your voice and empaths/codependents didn’t learn how to do this…taking back my power feels quite powerful now..i’m not worried about hurting another person’s feelings anymore…i’m not concerned if someone doesn’t like me..as an abandonment person I was never like that before…self care is crucial I found…turn away from the world and turn inward….forget about dating and finding someone new…I found dating myself is quite an experience…but yes I have been retriggered by knowing my ex is getting remarried this year..and yes it initially took me down the repetitive rabbit hole of what does she have that I don’t..gad I gave everything and therein is the problem…I gave and gave till there was nothing left of me..I was never in possession of myself even before the marriage…I lived my bucket list and would have friends say ‘why don’t you ask someone to go with you to the theatre or activity?’ my response was that I wasn’t strong enough for that..i wasn’t strong enough then to hear a contrary opinion…I wanted the experience with just me without the possibility of anyone spoiling it…now I could share things as I have been finding my stride and my voice…I know I’m too strong to be with my ex now…my standards for a partner are much higher…his character was lacking…there will be a day where I will be able to practice who I am now with someone new..being honest and kind but ensuring I speak up to anything that doesn’t smell right…it’s ensuring I never give parts of myself away that I now value to anyone…never give up my dreams for others…in a healthy relationship it means that would be a two way street…it’s being able I found to someone who speaks a contrary opinion to say ‘well that’s not my opinion’…and yes at first that was a challenge as I could feel my nature feeling ‘oh maybe they won’t be my friend’ anymore….i did just that today..i think it requires practice speaking up when you have spent your entire agreeing with everyone…always changing to fit who you are with…I had heard about shiatsu massage which helps release trauma held deep in our cells and am out of curiosity going to try a session tomorrow. Sometimes I even picture my strong women friends and think in moments ‘how would they react or what would they say in this situation’….listening is key and thinking before I speak….our body never lies to us though..we know what anxiety feels like inside our bodies so that’s the clue I found..when it rises I try and have a chat with my younger self…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Janet,

      that is so great you are listening to your inner being honouring you and showing up as your authentic self.

      Huge kudos to you and thank you for your inspiring post.

      Mel xo

    • Junegray1@icloud.com'
      June
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Janet,
      I resonate with every word you wrote although I am still at the beginning of my journey of being alone after thirty years with a covert Narcassist partner and twenty years before that with my ex husband, also a Narcassist. I am getting there but still feel hurt and sometimes take it out on others by being judgemental or opinionated. Then I feel bad!
      I am at the stage where I am questioning all my friendships and unable to see which ones are good for me, so withdrawing from some people and hopefully making space for new people who value me to come into my life. I know I didn’t take time between relationships to look at myself and understand my need for recognition and approval, which I now know I can give to myself. I am a work in progress.
      Thank you for your inspirational words.

  • ahrry99@aol.com'
    Alexandra Harry
    March 14, 2018

    It feels real, genuine, safe and warm. I can be my best self.

  • ahrry99@aol.com'
    Alexandra Harry
    March 14, 2018

    Safe, considerate, truthful, warm. I can be my true self.

  • mtbassman5@gmail.com'
    Martin Tomlinson
    March 14, 2018

    Now that’s the best video yet! What an amazing gift to the world you are Mel.
    My story’s too long for here but had two narc relationships. First one was minor but had four beautiful children. And I LOVED being. Dad. Tried to get us council but she stopped and wouldn’t go no more / got a job and started partying with the world – my kids were sweethearts brought up in the church and knew that what mommy was doing was wrong. They asked her/begged her to stop but she refused.
    I slept on my couch a year and a half just trying and pleading but in the end she kicked me out while my middle daughter was belly crying – her mom just didn’t care. Took me years to get over most of that pain. Still some days I cry.
    Then I had about 5 dates in 15 years – I was gun shy. Giving guitar lessons to a local teenager her mom kept calling and leaving messages about her Hungarian girl friend and how I needed to meet her….. eventually I did and it was a whirlwind. Out of my lonely life I was sick of being alone. Started dating then a quick marriage on the courthouse steps sealed it. Then I saw the other side of her. Writing to men on the internet telling them they had a better heart than me! I wrestled with her to get her to stop that but it took a long time. Then she gave me her word she would not work any more night shifts :)) that didn’t last long as her friend had morebpull on her heart than any promises she had made to me… eventually she cheated – I forgave her – tried to put down new boundaries but she never did respect them or me.
    She left me to go to new York to be with her daughter and new grand baby. I pleaded with her not to go – we were newlyweds!.., but she said with or without your permission I’m going . So she went – a month I thought , turned into a year and a half. I filed papers – from New York she pleaded w me to cancel them and she’d come back / well – silly me cancelled and she came Back.
    Now she’s a narc. I try talk to her about something and she goes off on me. I try and calm her down meanwhile getting more upset myself. ..eventually all the argument is about how bad I am and that I need help and she takes NO responsibility for her actions n words! It’s all my fault! It’s become TOTAL CRAZINESS and so she left me again for her daughters. Now I feel abandoned again and like no one can love me. For me. I am kind loving caring respectful and very romantic / I am a Christian also that’s a big part of my life.
    Anyway…. thanks so much for allowing me to ramble a bit here – really does help!
    Blessings to you all,
    Martin T

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Martine,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      Wishing you peace, healing and breakthrough Martin.

      Like all of us you so deserve a happy, healthy and loving life.

      Mel xo

  • judithmhoogenboom@gmail.com'
    J
    March 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I listened to the Dr Christiane Northrup videos today about the “energy vampires” and empaths. I have to say one thing first — energy vampires are one thing, narcissists, people with NPD, are another. There’s a difference between people who demand attention and suck energy and those that get off on making others miserable. Dr Northrup doesn’t really go to the dark side very much on this and and perhaps has not had those experiences. I very much appreciate that you have and do. But I do value Dr. Northrup’s perspective (I have followed her for years) and am glad that she’s giving voice to this issue and the effect on health. And I really benefitted today from her videos and discussion on empaths and wanted to share about that here. I should mention I started my day in a very dark place.

    So, I’ve always been a very spiritual person. I fit the definition of an empath and often see the world in energies and vibes and am very sensitive to energies in places and people. I met the N on a dating site and that very day I felt this “shift in the universe” is the only way I can explain it. I knew something was going to happen. And it certainly did! I suppose “pure evil” walked into my life, though I thought I’d met my soulmate.

    I’ve had these feelings before and my energy and spiritual antenna are usually up and active, but over the course of my experience with the N, I slowly abandoned all of that or actively shut it down. I thought it had somehow gotten me into trouble. And of course it was something the N ultimately ridiculed. And it’s such a part of who I am, I hadn’t realized how great the loss was. But somehow today after listening to Dr. Northrup’s videos and now reading your blog (and as part of my journey with NARP), I felt safe again in my empathy and for the first time in a while I feel “connected” again to what I see as the forces of good in the world. An amazing feeling the N will never feel. The N always maintained it was a bad world and that happiness wasn’t possible, whereas I thought it was a mostly good world. And he loved that about me–at first (I thought)–but I think he just finds people like me to prove to himself that it is a bad world. He stomps out our light, because in his world, everyone is miserable. That’s his reality. He has to maintain it. The more unhappy I became, the happier he seemed to become. My outlook now: it’s a good world, he’s a “bad person”. And I think I’m finally learning how not to attach to the “bad people” or perhaps I’m becoming that person to whom bad people don’t attach. Something is getting better, no quite sure how or why, but thank you (and NARP).

    xx

    • tamara.harbar@gmail.com'
      Tamara
      March 14, 2018

      J

      Thanks for writing this. I found it very helpful to read your perspective on energy vampires as one things and narcissists/people with NPD as another. This is something I’ve been trying to sort out for myself, that line between someone who is simply draining (maybe they have a lot of problems and not a lot of resources to draw on, maybe they’re not good problem-solvers or they’ve fallen into victim-hood, but that doesn’t means they’re narcissists, does it?). So your distinction is helpful, that some people demand energy and suck attention, but don’t necessarily get off on making others miserable. Maybe those who drain energy are lost, without actually being narcs, or maybe they’re at the lower end of the narc spectrum? Although I wonder if they might fit the category of covert narcissists as Melanie has described them.

      You mentioned that you met a narc who ridiculed your awareness of energy and that you had spiritual antennae. Same thing happened to me, I was ridiculed and I disconnected from it — a huge loss of who I am by nature, in my essence, in my core. Which I am also reconnecting to and coming to know as my true home. I see now what a red flag it was that (a) someone who supposedly cared about me would ridicule me for something so essentially me — that certainly says a lot about them! and (b) that I accepted that ridicule — that says a lot about me and that I had that vulnerability inside me in the first place that I would take that ridicule in, that I would allow it. I think I had some kind of wound that meant I’d handed over my power by then, and my boundaries were breached, that I didn’t stand up for myself and walk away from someone who would do that. But I’ve learned, and continue to learn and am so grateful for the awesome clarity Melanie provides to get straight about this kind of thing.

      I appreciate the clarity your comment has brought, too. Thank you. Wishing you well. Be you….because you are a gift, your empath qualities are a gift. We empaths needs to realize that and treasure our gifts and only dole them out to those who are safe and worthy. And we starts with ourselves, be empathetic and kind to ourselves. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi J,

      I really do believe Christiane’s information is SO important from the health perspective – and interestingly enough Ns are energy suckers needing essential outside life-force because their inner self is “dead”. It really is actually the same thing – just in a heightened pathological sense!

      That is great that you are healing your inner traumas with NARP and coming more into your True Self and I so wish for you (and all of us) that we emerge as shining our True Selves brightly and then simply detach from nasty types (“not My Reality”) because no longer are we here trying to “fix” these people. The new credo is: “Join me if you wish and want to become the person who can!”

      Keep shining your light Lovely Lady.

      Mel xo

  • eknight18@mac.com'
    Liz
    March 14, 2018

    My concern is that sexual attraction is somehow tied to the Old Way…and the” nice guys ” won’t appeal on that level…. if we do the work to heal ourselves….will that shift up as well???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Liz,

      oh yeah they do! Promise! “Attraction” is chemical bonding – a meeting of inner selves … period!

      Mel xo

  • astrologychick@gmail.com'
    AG Wright
    March 14, 2018

    I know I can do this, since I just did, and made great progress on my own life, talents and goals. But I make mistakes all the time. I went on a long trip and met a really great guy and got too involved too fast (duh!) but afterwards it wasn’t over but also not giving me what I really need in a relationship. So I had to lay down my values and express what wouldn’t work for me and why. I don’t think this guy is a narc, but for whatever reason he just can’t or won’t be involved the way I need him to be. Probably because of the distance. So I let it go, just said I can’t do it. This is painful because I miss him, but I am not sad for the experience which was truly amazing. I’m just sad that I can’t have it in my life the way I want it at this time.

    I am trying (and somewhat succeeding) at keeping the focus on myself, my own life, my own goals and healing. But it’s not easy. The good news is that this does show that I have grown in some important ways. Unfortunately in my life there seems to only be two speeds; too fast or off. I’m trying to find balance. It’s not easy.

  • ekturner67@icloud.com'
    Erin
    March 14, 2018

    It feels incredibly safe. It feels like home, full of love and joy. I feel giddy knowing that this could exist.

  • fionaspinks88@gmail.com'
    Fi
    March 14, 2018

    Mel – right on time as usual! I love living from this intuition now rather than the years of endless struggle of needing to grasp at something outside to give me a moment’s relief.

    I have a memory of sitting frozen at a set of traffic lights because my inner being was screaming ‘SOMEBODY HELP ME’ so loud that I and the outside world seemed paralysed. That actually makes me smile now as it shows how very far I’ve come from that poor woman, so trapped and lost at the hands of narc abuse.

    To answer your question: Home – it feels like home.

    I’m not quite there yet but a very special soul has recently arrived in my life allowing for a situation where we hold each other’s hand as we continue to work on ourselves and I am able to explore where boundary lines are and openly express myself as I figure them out. It is SUCH a wonderful experience so far. Prior to this even the thought of getting close to someone would see me immediately disassociate.

    What I’ve been wondering about lately – and I wonder if this happened to you or anyone else in the community – episode discussion worthy?
    I keep bumping up against what can probably be best described as a pre-boundary/pre-healing hangover. Where intellectually, it’s almost like old wiring patterns try to take me down the path they are used to: it’s like when triggered, I want to hurt and cry and fall back on the trauma that I was so used to having…except that it’s not there anymore.
    There’s an odd sensation for a split second that doing things differently now is wrong and then (quicker and quicker every time) my inner being lovingly reminds me that I’ve created a new way and we handle these things healthily now. Each time I’m left with a smile that just won’t go away. The work on that trauma has been done, my body won’t let me (even when my mind thinks it wants to) react the way it used to. It’s a strange sensation and there’s some to-ing and fro-ing still, but I am loving every minute of it as it shows me, in real time, in front of my face, that I have taken a true stand and that whatever comes now, I am co-generating, can take responsibility for and am able to fall back on and rely on myself.

    What an incredible journey!
    So much love to the entire community x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Fi,

      thank you for your very thoughtful post!

      I am so pleased you have come so far – that is awesome 🙂

      I think you may be right that may be episode worthy – the becoming of the New Way .. and some hangovers from the Old

      I totally get what you are talking about.

      So much love to you too sweetheart! Your journey is unfolding beautiful – with you growing consciously every step of the way.

      Mel xo

  • Laura.tolencruz@gmail.com'
    LC
    March 14, 2018

    I sadly thought of the Narc, and envisioned a relationship with him but without all the negative things that transpired. Perhaps it’s too soon for me. I can’t picture myself dating anyone, nor want to. I’m still traumatized.

  • yochimdeb2@aol.com'
    DEBORAH YOCHIM
    March 14, 2018

    It feels like the only kind of relationship I have ever dreamed of. It feels comforting. It feels like I am finally safe from fear of abandonment. Yet on the other hand it feels scary. Like something could happen to change it and I would be destroyed…

  • snroses@gmail.com'
    Sarah Neale
    March 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    After working your program for a while (lots of childhood trauma to shift) I do feel like such a different person to who I was in the beginning.
    I thought I had boundaries…nope…or I did, but they were blurred, terribly blurred… now they are set.
    I feel at the moment that the world is my oyster, so I am making sure that I really focus on what I truly want in a relationship, and I am taking my time…there is no rush.
    And the other thing is, I am enjoying this journey so much, that if I am to walk the rest of it alone…I am ok with that…truly 🙂

    I have discovered so much about myself, and I am unconditionally happy with me, for the first time ever..

    Thank you so much for your program x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Sarah,

      I am SO so happy for you 🙂

      That is wonderful!

      Keep up the great work Sarah and much love and power to you.

      Mel xo

  • adtate2@asu.edu'
    Angela Diane Tate
    March 14, 2018

    For me, to think how it could feel would be total peace, safe, and valued! I rejoice at the thought this could actually happen. I see how having the wrong messages only attracted those people who felt about me. The way I felt about myself!!! No more looking to others to meet my needs or fulfill what I think they should I see now was just a trap! Thank you Melanie….I will make time to do the program soon! Thank you for doing the work….so others can fly FREE!!! Thank you thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Angela,

      I love your energy – you are SO ready to break through into your incredible life!

      Mel xo

  • katrina.gudgeon@gmail.com'
    Katrina
    March 14, 2018

    It feels painful in my heart.

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    March 14, 2018

    Thnk you Melanie for your loving & wise words! As you’re a really compassionate woman, i’d love to share with you the Dalai Lama morning prayer, hope you will like it:

    “May I be a guard for those who need protection
    A guide for those on the path
    A boat, a raft, a bridge for those who wish to cross the flood
    May I be a lamp in the darkness
    A resting place for the weary
    A healing medicine for all who are sick
    A vase of plenty, a tree of miracles
    And for the boundless multitudes of living beings
    May I bring sustenance and awakening
    Enduring like the earth and sky
    Until all beings are freed from sorrow
    And all are awakened.”

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 14, 2018

    **** Thank you, everyone, *****

    For tuning into the video and connecting with your response!

    You have all done so well with this.

    Mel xo

  • sani932015@gmail.com'
    Maryam Sani
    March 14, 2018

    I feel a bit of relief that the few remaining years of my life could get better, Currently i live with a narc mother and 4 siblings she uses as flying monkeys.
    I feel really trapped. i have gone no contact with my siblings, but i cant go no contact with my mom.
    I feel very sad because i cannot seemed to take the trauma they put me through off my mind. I work in the hospital as a medical laboratory scientist and i am afraid i may give wrong diagnosis because of my state of mind right now. Please kindly assist me out of this mess. I cannot afford to pay for another accommodation.

  • Julesatthelake@hotmail.com'
    Julie
    March 14, 2018

    Magnificent

  • Johannarobertson@hotmail.com'
    Johel
    March 14, 2018

    Thank you again for another inspiring episode. I have been separated from my ex N for 4 years now but we’re still in a very difficult custody battle with him constantly telling lies and dragging me to police where I have to defend myself against utter nonsense! Anyway, I truly feel I’m over him, he barely even affects my mood now. My concern is with my new relationship. Whilst I was in the depths of narcissistic abuse my very first boyfriend showed up in my life, after 20 years. He supported me and helped get me free wholeheartedly. After about 1.5 years we started a romantic relationship, us both taking it very slowly and carefully…..it really took me another year to really want it and to fall in love, and I have now! But now, he tells me he needs more space and he’s sorry he can’t commit fully. I just can’t understand why…we have so much fun together and all the things you describe in this episode about being completely naked with nowhere to hide, complete honesty, we have!!! He’s definitely not a N, but I’ve recently become worried again about my boundaries and clinginess. I don’t want to compromise what I need but I don’t want to lose him either….he wants to be friends still and have nothing change (even the physical side of things for now), but he wants me to realize we’ll never live together, for example. How do I handle that? Should I even try, or just walk away from what has been the most honest, solid relationship I have ever had! I just don’t want to compromise any of the work I have done on myself. Thank you Mel for helping me become free again over the last 4 years 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Johel,

      this is very painful for you.

      Please know sweetheart that if we hang on wanting someone to change into who we wish them to be – that always equals “how to lose”. The only way we heal from unavailable people who – for whatever reason are not able to commit to us – is to fully commit to ourselves.

      This means taking the stand for – I will only connect romantically and potentially with people who want to commit to me as I do them – and that is NOT negotiable.

      Heal any fears and trauma surfacing within that are trying to keep you stuck in that old program of trying to love people enough so that they love you.

      Its time for you to love you, Dear Lady- then he will either step up and meet you there – or he will clear out and your true love will enter your life.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Tamille.kensey@gmail.com'
    Milly
    March 14, 2018

    Have hope. For me I feel a warm & contented peace but also a tiny flicker of fear which I am grateful for because it shows more deeper clearing & healing I need to do.
    I’ve been healing for 18 months now after separating from & starting divorce proceedings with my narcissistic husband. I’m feeling healthier & more happy than I ever have before. I am the source to myself.
    I am also in a committed relationship which is everything Melanie described. I’ve been so filled with joy that I thought I might pop.
    The honeymoon stage is developing into the rewarding soulmate relationship I knew I always wanted & now know I deserve. Plus my kids & new partner also deserve the best “me” I can be. With boundaries, love of self & continuing reflection & inner work.
    Keep healing.

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    March 14, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for this.

    In reply to the question:- I like the idea but it feels rather terrifying.

    Love from Hannah

  • julietschlaepfer@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jules
    March 14, 2018

    It feels terrifying and something that I do not feel capable of or worthy of to be honest. Even though this is my wish. It’s like an internal contradiction.

  • marialenablu@gmail.com'
    Alena
    March 14, 2018

    Thank you for your video! You always show up with the perfect video at the perfect time for whats coming up! You are a blessing xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Alena,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased it was timely for you – Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Cateshine@yahoo.ie'
    Cate
    March 15, 2018

    Mel
    After the discard there was very little contact. I decided to get out of his way (the altruistic covert Husband of 12 years, no children). Three texts is all I sent when I was in a desperately bad place and which he ignored.
    Mel I’ve never got to say all the stuff I wanted to say!
    I have had to meet him 3 times since Christmas to discuss our home and he has agreed to allow me buy him out for less than half of what it’s worth (altruistic, still trying to have everything nice and clean, no nastiness).
    I hoped at the end of this when i have my home to say everything I never got to say. To tell him what I think of him.
    He went straight to the new supply, left me for her.
    I can see now in hindsight how I wasn’t enough supply for him.
    I think what you’re saying is swallow everything you want to say….am I right!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Cate,

      I know it feels so hard that we haven’t got closure, yet I promise you when we heal “what hurts” within – there is no closure needed from them, and the truth was no matter what we get to say – it would only have ever been twisted and flung back in our face (N’s do not let you get closure through them!)

      Heal Dear Lady – and then we come through this better than ever and we don’t hand them ANY significance at all!

      Mel xo

  • funnysunnysasha@gmail.com'
    S
    March 15, 2018

    I like the energy of trying to focus on being healthy and doing not only things for ourselves but making time for ourselves and than others will find time for us..who are the good people.
    Recently I stopped drinking my hot dark tea in the morning which I think is good to keep the flu away etc but I was feeling sluggish and have a small child that gets me up pretty early well I decided I would not have dark tea that morning and had a bad headache but the next day and weeks to follow I have been on an herbal tea diet only in the morning..I mean I have breakfast just no dark tea..and I feel my energy coming back..this is who I was before I met the narc and found myself drinking alot of dark tea when I was with the narc. I also found as I am working to be an owner someday of a building for healing and the healing arts that my mentor is keeping me in track and just having an outside person who believes in me and giving me simple projects towards my goal is keeping my good energy on why I was dropped on this planet my light that came in to the world as an infant is BACK and it just makes all the nagging narc stuff seem silly lately.

  • vveltre@gmail.com'
    Vanessa
    March 15, 2018

    It feels like an adventure. Who am I without my codependency? What do I have to offer in a relationship if I’m not overfunctioning or caretaking? I’m not sure how that might feel, or how another would react to that. It’s a lovely thought, the idea of just being completely me without all of the extras. It’s difficult to imagine because the extras have, somewhere along the process, started to feel like my actual identity.

  • luciddreamyogini@gmail.com'
    Belle
    March 15, 2018

    It feels giggly, giddy, bubbly! Light, happy, carefree, relaxed, calm, centered, grounded, joyful…EASY EASY EASY!!

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    TT.
    March 15, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    All what you said during the last 5 minutes made me feel goosebumps -very powerful!!
    You are a guardian angel! <3

  • pacorp99@gmail.com'
    Patrick C
    March 15, 2018

    It feels warm and caring.
    It is what I want to also feel with another.

    I’m exhausted. 25 years with a narcissistic woman. And a series of self absorbed girlfriends culminating in a pure narcissist, which put me over the edge emotionally. So now 5 months later I am still trying to heal through therapy and CODA meetings, and meds. I find it amazing the amount of self absorbed women out there. So far I have not dived into another relationship, though I have tested the waters.

    I have found Codependents Anonymous meetings to be great for me. So many people show up who talk about being with a narcissist even if they don’t know what one is yet. The trauma is apparent.

    Thank you Melanie for your dedication to helping codependents like us learn a new way to live.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Patrick,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased for you that you are breaking out of the cycles.

      Power and health to you 🙂

      Mel xo

      • pacorp99@gmail.com'
        Patrick
        March 16, 2018

        Thank you 😊

  • ireallyloveart@gmail.com'
    Dana Hill
    March 15, 2018

    First of all, there is no such thing as an empath according to science.
    And with all due respect, to call oneself an empath is slightly narcissistic.
    By doing that you are saying that you are more sensitive, feeling attuned, or other qualities, than most people.
    Explain if you believe I am wrong.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Dana,

      no-one is saying they are any better or worse than anyone else – simply attuned to other’s energy and energy in general around them and feel it and cater to it intensely.

      How does that have anything to do with “superiority” or even “inferiority” for that matter?

      Mel xo

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    TT.
    March 15, 2018

    One thing that worries me…The n is in the past (I hope) and I have started to heal well. For example, I don’t have a deep depression anymore, I feel like the “good old me” again. But I still don’t feel “normal”. Just recently a new man invited me for a coffee. So I went, it was nice. This is the first man I have dared to meet ever since the “n disaster”. I feel instinctively he is NOT a n! We have become friends, that is actually nice. But when I was in the cafeteria, that poor man probably doesn’t know, that during that time I (both consciously and maybe unconsciously) “scanned” him and (over)analysed like 500 things about him, his every word, every facial expression, every gesture etc. So my point is, I fear I have lost the ability to be “normal”, spontaneous (like I used to be!), natural. N’s are inhumane, I feel I have sort of become “inhumane” too, it feels like I cannot relate to other people (at least not men, and especially such men that are potential partners) normally anymore. This makes me sad, sort of alienated from “reality”, real people, real relationships, authentic connections. Then all this advice, trying to be connected to my intuition, read possible red flags, set boundaries, and all of that and a million of other advices…so something so simple like sitting half an hour in a cafeteria becomes an exhausting task, like running a marathon. Sometimes I feel, all well-meaning advice makes my head to spin, I’m overwhelmed…and I feel sometimes if all relationship advice and self-development actually makes me worse! Maybe this man could sense my agony, he smiled and said “don’t think so much, that does not make you feel good”. True! 🙁
    I used to be innocent, trusting, spontaneous, natural etc…Will I ever be normal again? Am I going to hyper-vigilant and cautious (allthough, I am not scared) the rest of my life, is this the “legacy” of having been involved with a n?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi TT.,

      it simply means that there are unhealed traumas still, within, keeping you on high-alert.

      Have you considered doing the inner work on them so that they no longer exist, and you can show up fully as “you” … (even more than you were ever able to be even before the N experience.)

      Also please know I don’t believe N’s were a disaster in our lives, rather an incredible opportunity for us to release trauma and freest and truest selves.

      Yes, it is often the legacy – if we don’t do the deeper healing work that this opportunity has awoken us to.

      If it is the Thriver Deeper Healing you want, please join me in my webinar: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I’d love you too 🙂

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        TT.
        March 16, 2018

        Hi Melanie,
        Yes, you are right, it was not a disaster…the beginning was actually the happiest time in my adult life! I will always remember that lovingly. It’s not his fault he is wired this way. But the “trouble” was, there were these intervals of intense “highs” and intense lows. This is not how normal relationships evolve, this is something I have learned! In normal relationship there should be safety and predictability, not the feeling that I could be abandoned at any time, and therefore I need to “walk on eggshells”. (by the way, this is the direct replica of my childhood in relation to my dad, amazing!).

        *unhealed traumas still, within, keeping you on high-alert

        This might be true, but it also sounds quite dramatic…I think our bodies/minds first priority it just to keep us safe. I have ride more than 100 horses and once I fell off so badly I needed to go to hospital. I took me quite a long time to dare to ride again, I was scared. I think feeling “high alert” is totally normal and natural. That was some 20 years ago and I ride again, maybe even better than before. But I don’t accept whatever horse anymore. So my point is, living the life leaves “marks”, is there even any point trying to “un-do” them?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 16, 2018

          Hi TT.,

          The point in undoing our traumas is to have awareness, without being highjacked with cortisol and adrenaline – where calm and solidness would be more appropriate.

          Then we can generate healthy, happy relationships where we are able to be our adult self showing up honestly, reasonable and maturely. Otherwise, we can easily mistake our triggers, not know what is right or not for us, and over (or even under) react … when our “warnings” are coming from highly energised unhealed young wounds.These young unhealed parts of us also re-enact the old still unhealed traumas – causing us to be hypervigilant – YET continuing patterns with the people who represent these unhealed wounds over and over again.

          Stil existing inner trauma is not protection – healing it and evolving beyond it is.

          That is all the stuff we unravel and heal in our inner identity to get on new love trajectories.

          Mel xo

  • susanclifton@hotmail.co.uk'
    Sue
    March 15, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    I never thought I could ever feel such a connection with someone until very recently. It feels so different to what I have been used to most of my life. I had a narcissistic father and a mother who neglected us emotionally as she fought her own battles with him. My mother is also quite an insensitive person which means that as a sensitive child and adult, I suffered much emotional pain. I married a narcissistic man who almost destroyed me and it took a long time to recover from his abuse. Obviously this resulted in my having difficulties in trusting anyone. I now have great friends who love me unconditionally. I am an employer and I have wonderful relationships with all of my employees who value my sensitivity and never take advantage of it because now, although I am caring and loving towards people, I am also strong and have set boundaries of which everyone knows exactly where the lines are. This has taken a long time.
    I have a very special connection with a male friend which I have never felt before. He feels it, too, which is amazing. It feels like home. Warm, supportive, open , non-judgmental, accepting of each other, no matter how we feel or what we say, and actually, a little bit scary at times. I didn’t think such a connection was possible.
    I really enjoy your videos, Mel. It all helps so much in the healing of all the trauma from the experiences I have had in my life. Thank you, Sue

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Sue,

      that is wonderful that you have come so far and really dedicated to your development as well as the generation of your life.

      I am also so pleased my material helps 🙂

      Keep thriving!

      Mel xo

  • luisne1@yahoo.com'
    Leila
    March 15, 2018

    It makes me feel like a girl again. Happy, confident and adventurous. Thank you Melanie

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    Laurie
    March 15, 2018

    Thank you Melanie, all I can say is that I think it would be AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL to feel like that. I think that is truly 💗Love 💗. Thank you for the whole video, because in the beginning of it what you are saying also is very important because it’s a Love for yourself and then at the end part of the exercise it’s love with others and how Love within myself and others can be once I am healed, so it gives me great hope to be that someday. Thank you so much for all your videos and also how you respond so quickly to my questions. You are a beautiful human being inside and out. Thank you so much for all your videos and your beautiful smile to go with them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      it the divine right of us all to feel like that.

      I am so happy you feel hope, and please know you are so welcome Laurie 🙂

      So much love to you!

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    March 15, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    I was involved with a relationship with an unavailable man (he wasn’t a NARC) and it hit me what you said in the video: how can I expect him to have time for me when I don’t devote time to myself? I don’t make myself a priority yet I wanted him to do that. I wanted him to disclose yet I’m not an open person. Wow! Your videos are so inspirational. Like you said, there is no point in trying to change him.
    Just look inwards. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      how gorgeous that you are getting it and turning to the only place we DO have power – inside!

      So many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • Ilona.rocka@yahoo.co.uk'
    Ilona
    March 15, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you so much for this video and recommending Christiane’s event. I’ve subscribed and literally can’t wait. I feel like thanks to you 💖 and NARP I already know the answer to ‘How tododge energy vampires’ but I’m sure it will be interesting to listen to all those amazing people and broaden my horizons.
    As a result of being a ‘bad’ empath in the past, ie. guilt driven and serving others but completely ignoring myself, I’ve ended up with a really bad health and adrenal fatigue. I’ve watched your video regarding this subject (AF) and I know that eventually with NARP healings I will recover and feel more energised, but was wondering if you could share (based on your experience) any additional advise that might speed things up a little bit (ie. supplements, food…anything)
    Thank you
    Big love
    Ilona xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Ilona,

      that is great – you will LOVE Christine’s information – it’s a beautiful and very rich supplement to the work we do!

      You are right Health with QFH shifts is a powerful way to heal AF. Drinking good quality water is a must, as well as taking Iron, making sure Vit D levels are right. I also love Supergreen powders and antioxidants.

      Clean food, not processed is also vital. Exercise gently at first helps to bring our systems back online. Health and wellbeing really need to be our lifestyle when you have suffered Adrenal stress.

      I will be doing some resources on this stuff!

      Mel xo

  • astridentone@gmail.com'
    Astrid
    March 15, 2018

    Everything you said up to your call for comments was great. But some of us have attempted to create real relationships with significant others or family members and they still made their dysfunction our problem. Then what?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Astrid,

      that is where the point about letting go – being willing to lose it all to get it all – is vital.

      We cant make people do or be anything at all – they choose to.

      If they are not a match for us, then our true responsibility is to honour ourselves. No or Modified Contact with boundaries.

      This may help:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNYJJkft03k

      Mel xo

  • sarahwhitehead2012@gmail.com'
    Sarah Whitehead
    March 15, 2018

    it feels exciting and full of hope, I had put on hold the very notion of ever being with anyone ever again, let alone someone healthy and loving, after 10 days in NARP and having just finished module 4, I feel so energised, positive, full of life and hope and very very excited about my new future and the possibility of meeting someone, when the time is right…….
    Thank you Mel for your amazing programme, I was soooo ready for it and am feeling blessed and grateful

  • vintagecandelight@yahoo.com'
    candle
    March 15, 2018

    the nightmares will not stop it seems. always about the 2 ex-husbands that brutalized me. but the strange thing in the nightmares, one ex especially, always seems like he is trying to get me to come home, and is the loving, charming and dear man that he was to me, for 2 1/2 years before we got married. then it all stopped, like a light switch thrown one day, he was gone. when I wake up, my heart feels like it will burst any second, it is so painful, and I feel so panicky, like I may be dying. this happens almost every night.
    ex #2 is on girlfriend # 19, since I moved out. this is a very small town, and before, the women were always from the internet and not local. now he is with a local, and just took her on one of those fantastic vacations. but for some reason he is trying to speak to me and started waving at me. it is very painful, and there is absolutely no one in my life, although I sure wish there was. my heart hurts everyday. this is 10 years later, and the pain is still there. I truly loved him. oh how I wish for a painfree happy loving life.

  • avab1@yahoo.com'
    Ava
    March 15, 2018

    The more healed you are the more stealthier/cunning the NARCS are that enter your life. I’d been doing the NARP program and fell in love with someone who claimed to be a victim of a NARC but he turned out to be a covert NARC. It took two months but the mask fell finally; I have found if you maintain your boundaries, they succeed for a while but they can’t keep the mask on forever. That’s why these videos and studies are so helpful. I thought I was done healing. I realize you always have to keep vigilant especially when you are an empath.

  • mroberts1089@yahoo.com'
    Melissa
    March 15, 2018

    Whole, Joyful, Alive.

  • mroberts1089@yahoo.com'
    Melissa
    March 15, 2018

    whole, Joy-filled, alive

  • s.zimmermann@home.nl'
    Syl
    March 15, 2018

    ‘Narc’s move on to easier targets if they can’t hook you…’
    When you said that it immediately triggered something inside; the little girl feeling lost and empty. ‘If I’m not the target, that means I’m not important, I’m invisible.’ That part of me WANTS to be targeted because that would mean I matter. It’s like I am not in my body until there is some kind of drama; only then can I feel that I am here. The thought of never being targeted again feels so empty. Looks like ‘being targeted’ is MY narcissistic supply. 🙁
    Wow. Clearly a big issue. I had no idea that this was still in me. Look what one sentence can do! 🙂 I’ve got some healing to do…

  • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    March 15, 2018

    A 100% true real deal relationship? Gosh- is there really such a thing? I feel before N abuse I was soooo caught up in the societal haze about needing to have a partner and getting married and needing to have kids and all that- I had a total agenda in all my love matches and drove them away with that agenda. Post N (where I had the marriage and kid- but almost paid for that with my life) I am so glad that I don’t have any such hidden agenda (shifted all that stuff OUT!)- but I seem to find folks who have a hidden agenda which is- to conquer or control another. To manipulate. To have a show girlfriend- once landed I can be easily devalued and kept as a possession…YUCK! (Hmmm- more work on “my value depends on being selected by a man”? I seem to have been shifting this endlessly!)

    So real 100% relationship? Celebrating each other. Being there for one another unconditionally. Complete and total honesty. Someone who just wants you to be the best you possible. A total win/win dynamic. Complete respect. Playtime! Unlock the joy and just keep it growing. Fascination, self study and unbounded non possessive unconditional and totally returned LOVE!!!!

    Not some trap, not a duel for domination, not a game of possession but a companion to play with…all the time, everyday without a shadow of doubt.

    • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
      Violet Spectre
      March 15, 2018

      It feels SAFE. It feels peaceful. It feels right. It feels happy.

    • pacorp99@gmail.com'
      Patrick
      March 16, 2018

      Amen amen amen
      Right?
      Is that so damn much to want?

      Fabulous post

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    March 15, 2018

    I can look and see the kind of loving relationship I want to experience (and now more safely aware of the red flags of narcs) but I feel removed and disconnected from actually having a safe and loving relationship. I feel alone, like I am looking from outside what a happy relationship looks like but I don’t truly know what it feels like.
    I also find now having been doing Narp for a year that its not love relationships that triggers me the most now or I obsess about.
    It’s my family and it’s other people I have to deal with in daily life such as my work colleagues or my son’s friends parents who really trigger me. So it’s like I have cleared the unhealthy relationship and some of its patterns but I am face on to the injustices and imbalances in all other areas of my life. I know that I am an old soul empath and so I take on far too much which then means I put fences up to stay safe. I am extremely sensitive and I feel like I need to develop a whole new way of relating to others that actually works for me and not working against my energy, making myself drained, resentful, ill and exhausted. I am good at supporting others. But I also want to feel my full vitality and joy for life once more and like my self even after I have interacted with someone. I know I have to learn how to make my needs a priority, to come to the world from me being the centre of of my world. I need to learn I am an infinite being of energy and live an expanded life not a contracted one, hiding in fear of more trauma and then attracting ‘less than’ situations to me. I am ready for more love and empathy in my life with a more open heart once I am healed more from co dependency and energy vampires.

  • kendalla10@gmail.com'
    Alison
    March 15, 2018

    It feels warm, healthy and exciting to think about and feel the kind of love you have described! Yay… does that mean I’m close?

  • knteach59@aol.com'
    kathryn
    March 15, 2018

    One day, yes. I’ve just begun enjoying getting reacquainted with self. It is wonderful, peaceful and evolving. I can imagine the comfort of a love relationship with another, but don’t want that yet

  • gillyhunt@btinternet.com'
    Gilly
    March 15, 2018

    I feel this is unobtainable…i do not believe i can acheive this. My whole life feels as if it has been one mountain climbed after another only to feel the views the same as always. Disapointment feels unbearable each time and strength depleted. I can not believe in myself or in life thats what i feel … just accept i have never been loved and never will be. That i will never acheive my fulfillment and that although i understand what you are saying on an intellectual level. i just cant believe in it …it wont work for me. Ive followed my dreams before nothing ever changed. Expect nothing and that way i wont suffer the soul destroying disapointment of false hope. Thats how i really feel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 16, 2018

      Hi Annie and Gilly,

      I concur that these feelings are exactly what we experience when we have traumas and beliefs within us that are not allowing that to be organic for us.

      Can you imagine a life, where the focus is not to even receive these things, but just to find and release and live free from that trauma inside us, so that even without these things we start feeling happy, loved and whole – without even having ANY physical evidence of being loved by another?

      Then – as a result, these things start becoming possible and easy because we just “are” that …

      That’s how I turned it all around for me. I’d love you ladies to start accessing relief and your healing for YOU – not even to do with anyone else – and then all the rest can follow.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Much Love xo <3

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 15, 2018

    So many people in pain because of abusers.

  • claudiabuchweitz24@gmail.com'
    Claudia
    March 16, 2018

    This is like heaven on earth – it feels so good! That’s what I hope to experience – attract a person with whom this is possible.

    Melanie, you are doing a very good job -thanks!

    I will do the NARP modules and I am very curious about the results…

    With much love!

  • pietere7@gmail.com'
    Pieter Engelbrecht
    March 17, 2018

    I feel free, light and myself. Nothing do hide.

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    March 17, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    When I check in with myself about a real love relationship as you describe it, it feels really fabulous!

    I’ll be working with mod11 tho. The goal from earlier is really strong – I realize I do not yet fully believe I am the source of my own love and success. So glad to have this be conscious to work with!

    Thanks as always –
    Love and light 🙂

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    March 17, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    When I check in with myself about a real love relationship as you describe it, it feels really fabulous!

    I’ll be working with mod11 tho. The goal from earlier is really strong – I realize I do not yet fully believe I am the source of my own love and success. So glad to have this be conscious to work with!

    Kind of cool that the rest feels really awesome and fabulous!

    These steps are great also. What a journey 🙂

    Thanks as always –
    Love and light 🙂

  • Smitchell123162@gmail.com'
    Susan
    March 17, 2018

    Mel,
    I was not able to feel unadulterated true love, because I know now I’ve never experienced it. But I want to and I’m hopeful I can. I came across a video of yours on YouTube about 2 weeks ago, which brought me to a link to sign up to your live broadcast. I followed along with the exercise, while tears poured from my eyes and I hugged my inner child. I literally stopped obsessing over the narcissist in three hours.Something I was unable to do for 1 year, even with therapy and narcissistic research. I was so depressed but unwilling to except the fate, of women, feeling like this for years. I have ordered your program and can’t wait to see the person I become. I want to thank you, I feel like I have my life back and can’t wait for it to be super sized.
    Sue
    PS
    And for those who have never had luck in love. Neither have I, but I know I settled for less because I thought I was less. Imagine what I may have now? But really a man will just be a bonus! I have bigger aspirations.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Susan,

      Awww sweetheart I am so happy you had that connection with your inner child. How wonderful that this does all await you know.

      You’ve got this Susan – I just know it!

      So many blessings to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Junegemini111@yahoo.co.uk'
    June
    March 17, 2018

    Blissful safety, joyful honesty, Deep connection.strong foundation, transparent communication… feels like heaven

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna Johnston
    March 18, 2018

    Hi Mel!
    Your videos just keep getting better and better!!!!!
    This one is AWESOME.
    I LOVE how you describe what a truly soulful authentic relationship is like. You asked for our comments so here’s mine. FYI, the narcissists in both of our lives are our family members, not each other.
    I have to say that what you described is my relationship with my husband: REAL, authentic, full-disclosure, supportive. We have an understanding of what is core and centrally important to each of us as an individual. We support each other is the pursuit and generation of these things/concepts. The other caveat is that we have learned to accept and how to deal with each other’s quirks, as we ALL have them. We have learned to sometimes use good-natured (as opposed to demeaning or sarcastic) humor to be honest in kind ways when dealing with them. We also take things pragmatically, rather than taking everything personally. For example, if one of us is hungry and therefore grumpy, instead of escalating a fight, we simply get something to eat. If one of us is acting out, rather than argue, we realize that that person needs a hug.
    Having said all this, I can also tell you that the road to being able to do this has not always been easy. It is a PROCESS. My husband and I expect to be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this May. It took each of us working on our own individual growth as well as trial and error with our partnership. I can truly say that overall the journey has been worth it.

    I would like to suggest/request that perhaps with regard to your direction to us to write what are our rights and values, that you might consider doing a blog/video specifically outlining some of the basic things that may in general be obvious. YET when one has been so beaten down by a narcissistic parental upbringing, the things that are obvious to others are NOT obvious to us. Even as we look within, do the modules and heal, we may come to intellectually understand new and better truths/rights but then we say, “Do I dare?” “Could this REALLY apply to ME?”. By continuing the inner work, we eventually come to say YES this DOES apply to me and I DO DARE. Still it might be helpful to some as they are beginning this journey, to better understand as well as be supported in their pursuit of internalizing this concept. Just some gentle for for thought.

    As always, I LOVE your videos and thank you for everything you do.

    With much love,
    Deanna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Deanna,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      How beautiful Deanna that you and your husband have that level of unconditional love for each other – modeled so lovingly!

      I adore your suggestion Deanne – and I am so noting it down!!

      Thank you, Dear Lady and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • janette.cupp@comcast.net'
    Janny
    March 18, 2018

    I’m married to a sexually addicted man who has narcissistic behaviors. Mostly covert. We are both separately receiving counseling. I asked for no contact till disclosure. Which is in two weeks. I clearly see how his false self has abused me for the past 37 years. I see clearly how much I lost myself in all this disfunction. I’m beginning to do a healing time line to clear out all the trauma. What should I see in him to make it clear that he has changed and is willing to continue to grow and change if we do marriage counseling?
    I have always been open and honest. To be in a relationship where that is returned would be so beautiful. I would feel loved,understood, heard,seen,cherished,honored,free,ALIVE!
    Thank you for sharing your life and work.
    I’m learning to thrive!

  • sannaqqq@yahoo.se'
    Sanna
    March 18, 2018

    Yes I have reached my true inner being and I am now days a loving, eternal parent to myself.
    Yes I am my own true boundery boss now ! The codependency and the complex post traumatic stress disorder that I did live with/in everyday, night and moment during 45 years is healed. I am no more a victim, just barely surviving.
    I felt destroyed and ashamed since I was a child. Then I let the rage out as a young woman and behind the rage came the flood of tears and finally I became acceptance and compassion to my self.
    Hard work, good love and honesty towards my whole self and compassion made me day by day. More and more aware about how I neglected the litlle inner child, the woman and when I am now the crone I am free of trauma.
    I do have scars and I accept the scars with compassion to my self. I can feel, give and share soul heartful love without fear. I love my life and I am self generating and creating. I love my man, my son, my friends , my work and the village I live in. The nature around my home with deep forests, hills and the mighty river. It is magic!
    Thank you Melanie you are so true, quantum self knowledge is the key to our organic birth right to have a open heart
    and no fear. Sanna in the north of Sweden

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Sanna,

      that is awesome that you have come this far and are Thriving!

      How beautiful, and it sounds so magical where you live! Please know you are very welcome 🙂

      So many blessings to you Dear Lady and your loved ones.

      Mel xo

  • Pennylh@comcast.net'
    Penny
    March 19, 2018

    I am feeling the truth of me in my life. I often think to myself when I am in conversation with another person–you’re doing great Penny. It’s all feeling pretty clean clear and open in life right now. I am working through the goal seeking module healing the patterns that have hurt me. It is taking some time to do this but I am okay with that.
    To sit directly across from a loving partner who I connect with truthfully soulfully and completely is amazing to imagine.

  • kat.hanson676@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    March 22, 2018

    Thanks, Melanie. Always wonderful to listen to your wisdom. I was wondering if you ever touch upon the topic of children of narcissism – not the best way to grow up when your mother is one and your father is an enabler. There are plenty of websites dealing with this issue though and they are most helpful.

    Kathy

  • klugliani@mac.com'
    K
    March 23, 2018

    Has the Energy Vampire resource expired?

  • balance.sought@gmail.com'
    Xenia
    March 24, 2018

    Great video, thank you Melanie!

    I signed up for Dr. Christiane’s videos and got her course when I saw the link from you; I remember what a revelation her Women’s Bodies … book was for me over a decade ago. Truly an inspiring person.

    NARPing daily and I can see that what you are saying is possible; which a year ago before NARP I would never have been able to say or even think; I was a frightened terrified little mouse inside.

    I keep pinching myself at the new me and new life, and it is just the beginning, thanks to NARP. So grateful.

    God bless.

  • d_seven@hotmail.com'
    Diane
    March 25, 2018

    Thank you so much for this video, its really made an impact and I will hold with me the idea of using my truth to keep out the bad and learn to let in the good. I look forward to more videos on setting boundaries and recognizing when it is ok to trust others.

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa M Cerutti
    March 26, 2018

    I scrolled down to the link for Christine’s workshop and it isn’t FREE. It took me to another page where I found it was $199.00 for the workshop. Maybe I’m going to the wrong link but this is where I was led. Is there another link for us to sign up for free?

  • lcerutti@bodyworks-pt.com'
    Lisa M Cerutti
    March 26, 2018

    How does it feel fully bones naked, no barriers, masks off, true heart to heart soul love, no hiding? For me scary as hell. When you asked that questions, my stomach dropped, I started to perspire, and I got nervous and scared because I have never felt that kind of love before. I always have a mask on… never take it off… these questions made me feel “raw” and “terrified” to let people see the real me…

  • gadriel.abrixis@gmail.com'
    Gadriel
    April 5, 2018

    Hello Melanie:

    First of all, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I have been working with my inner child, squeezing her, loving her, smiling, finding solace and not breaking down with grief any longer! This is monumental.

    Doing the exercise in this video, I so want to experience that more in my life. I have gotten glimpses of it in the past, but it seems it can scare partners. I have not met anyone yet to totally meet me in true, heart to heart, soul love. Perhaps it can now happen that I’m doing the spiritual work necessary.

    I thought recently I had found that. This man felt like my twin soul, like we had “come home” to each other and had this deep unconditional love. I still do feel that, but on a physical level, he is not able to show up in my life. I have come to the conclusion that he’s a narcissist, who needs to have everything on his own terms. But there’s still a little voice inside that’s so afraid he isn’t, and that I’m doing a disservice to him by cutting him off when in truth he’s just a bumbling sweetheart who doesn’t have a clue and is just a needy, unsure person who runs away. Or a super cunning covert. How can we definitively tell? Meantime, I’ve stopped giving him attention and have been getting over the grief of failed expectation of finally meeting the love of my life. I’m in my 60’s now, and it feels like such a lifetime of lack. Any widsom?

    Love and appreciation to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2018

      Hi Gadriel,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Please do know Dear Lady that if a man is not showing up for you, then he is not available. And plenty of men will be if you stay available to loving you, and not handing that away on someone who is not “there”.

      I really do believe that when we accept all parts of ourselves, then someone will appear in our lives who we are not “too much” for!

      Gadriel have you thought about taking your inner transformational work deeper so that you can find and release and heal out any inner programs still playing out?

      If so I’d love to help you in Quantum Ways: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • specore13@gmail.com'
    S
    May 1, 2018

    Melanie,
    This was very dense with information! Perfect timing for me: I have been very angry and blaming ever since I really realized what the narcissist was doing. Anger was the only power I had to protect myself from him. Two days ago, after a mutual friend of ours died, I felt myself forgive him. Not 100% but enough that I felt a lot differently. Then, I broke my no contact and we talked about our friend. Given that I no longer hated him, and we had a decent conversation, I felt myself today, feeling like I miss him. We haven’t been together in 3 years and hes treated my very poorly ever since I’ve known him. Long story short, I knew that it wasn’t real love for him that I was feeling but I didn’t know what to do with the feelings, so I looked up an appropriate video on your site and bam! 26 minutes later, I feel much better and know what I need to do – healing modules!! Starting with the goal setting module. Thanks again for your help. I would be lost without it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 1, 2018

      Hi S,

      I am so happy this was timely for you.

      That’s great you are taking these unresolved feelings to NARP Modules!!

      Sending blessings and incredible breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • wsandweiss@gmail.com'
    Wendy
    May 5, 2018

    Wow!! This video really moved me. I have been watching the videos for a while now and have left some in my inbox thinking that if I keep focusing on narcissism I’m not healing. I’m giving into this whole process. But this video in particular has shown me otherwise. I don’t know what a healthy giving relationship feels or looks like but I am committed to finding it with myself first. While watching this video, I did write down all the steps, plus notes to myself. And I also realized I am that hungry shopper. So I left the grocery store, I cancelled my memberships to online dating. I am going to hunker down and learn what it really means to have a relationship with myself, honestly. I am going to explore the energy vampire videos and go back a rewatch previous NARP videos.

    Thank you so much for this work that you have done. I do see a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 5, 2018

      Hi Wendy,

      That is so great this has helped bring you a clarity and renewed your commitment to healing you first.

      That is so where the breakthroughs are!

      Wishing that for you in abundance.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • adnana_eam@yahoo.com'
    Atena Matei
    August 4, 2018

    Devine.

  • Joleenantoniuk@gmail.com'
    Joleen
    August 28, 2018

    It feels like someone who you can trust your deepest fears with and not worry that they’ll use them against you later. Like someone you can be completely at peace around and whether you’re together or not you feel calm and relaxed and happy and nourished when they come into your mind. Someone that you’re so comfortable around that neither of you needs to talk to fill up space, you can both be silent and relaxed and not worry what the other is thinking. Where you support each other’s favorite hobbies and activities. Where you both try to help the other person reach their life goals. That you can chat about anything upsetting in life that you can’t figure out and solve the issue together. Trust, support, friendship, kindness and happiness. Inner wisdom and joy. Like space and time slow down, deep breaths, honesty, being safe, supported and nurturing each other.
    Funny, you said to do this and my brain went blank, then I got anxious at even the concept of being with another person again when I can’t usually accept just being with me. This imaginary partner turns out to be the same person I’ve daydreamed about being with myself. I’ve always had a deep longing to love myself and put myself first, but every time I get the opportunity I panic, loneliness and doubt take over and I find someone else to ‘fix’. Which never works.
    I am so thankful that I’ve had some realizations in the last few weeks and when I asked the universe for help figuring out my flaws, that I met a new person who sent me a link to you.
    I’m SOOO excited to do this work on myself and fully be the amazing person other people tell me I am and that I know is locked up inside me!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2018

      Awww Joleen,

      You have nailed this truly!

      In fact so much so that you have inspired me to do a whole Thriver TV episode on this.

      So many blessings to you and your spectacular recovery Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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