Melanie Tonia Evans

The Day I Broke No Contact

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 11
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Today, I  want to share with you my candid story about what happened when I contacted narcissist number 1 after ONE YEAR of No Contact.

At the time, I felt like a year of the white-knuckling agony – the effort and supreme will-power to stay away – had all been for nothing.

Which plummeted me into the absolute depths of despair – a deep black hole I believed there was no escape from.

Yet … I got out of that terrible place, and I was able to claim the wonderful experiences of life and love that I hadn’t yet known were possible.

Very interestingly I discovered that my smoking addiction, of all things, was also deeply connected!

Because … not only was I ultimately able to break away, leave alone, and never turn back to narcissists, I also accomplished this FULLY with cigarettes also.

With zero withdrawal symptoms, even after a terrible 30-year escalated to two packets a day smoking habit!

How? (You will need to watch to the end to find out …)

If you have struggled with trying to give up, stay away and be free from ANY person or substance in your life, then this Thriver TV is a must-watch episode!

The reason I am sharing this story with you is I want you to know how many times I slipped up, did it tough and thought I could never make it.

Please know … I know from the bottom of my heart how hard it can be.

This is why I want to inspire you today, regarding how I made it up and out into True Thriver Recovery … to help you believe that you can too.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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192 Thoughts on The Day I Broke No Contact
  • livingston_csa@yahoo.com'
    William Livingston, Minnesota, USA
    March 12, 2018

    Melanie, I am a (dude, lol)…and I am just sick over loss of Margo, she was (I think the taker, the drainer) in our relationship…I think of her 24/7, I am not working, I am self employed and in deep trouble if I dont work.

    Your TV, etc has been so, so helpful…yet I need a tool, to stop thinking about her, she was at times evil, no empathy, very critical of me and my kids, yet the love making, the good times, (she was also 16 years younger Asian, I am White, her ex was Dr. who indiflity, she was victim of child hood, abuse, 2 spouses abuse, yet took it all out on me…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi William,

      it is so painful, confusing and contemporarily hard to recover from.

      Please know my healing processes are all about having “the way” to recover. The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • s.thakkar@yahoo.com'
        annonymous
        March 13, 2018

        Dearest Melanie,

        cant thank you enough for your NARP package. Could able to leave a narc but not able to detach emotionally. Feeling empty and paralyses d.Feel like I love him more nw, hope that all the legal battle might have made him softer.

        I am highly concerned about co parenting with him.
        It is very surprising that after living my narc husband, ended up with a loving family but most dynamics are same. I am miserable and constantly getting hurt on the wounded points. Its surprising that those things does not hurt does not happen but the only things keep repeating which hurts me the most.
        I am in a desperate need of shorter healing versions as i want to use actually when things happen not hours after because I loose the feeling intensity and when i do the module i am not bale to feel the trauma as I already feel so happy that my pain will go away as i am doing this. I bought Narp a year ago but did not yet done all 10 modules. YET I kept repeating “WHat a narc may do next” and made me won the sole parental responsibility ( I did not even know what does sole responsibility means when lawyer asked me in a court but judge decided not the shared responsibilty which i realized now that he is not an equal decision maker otherwise it would have been hell)
        The victory in court was dramatic. My lawyer (who is in this field since 30 years) handed over the case to barrister as courts’ psychologist had strong opinion against my interstate moving. My lawyer explained me that i had to be ready to take children to fathers state atleast 4 times a year where judge even said not pay for any cost and only father travels to my state to see kids…this case had an outcome which even my lawyer did not put forward. what more can i ask from Narp package?

        but i still feel your thriver tv episodes to be shorter and healing modules to be shorter. Single moms runs short of time all the time.
        I feel that one of your modules should have heading ” when you feel controlled and manipulated”, “when you feel not seen, acknowledged and put down”, “when you are doing things which you dont want do in a relation” , “when someone is treated better than you (this is huge for me)”. thanks Mel

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 13, 2018

          Hi Annonymous,

          you are very welcome. Have you worked with Module 1 shortened version? If you did not receive that upgrade please email support@melanietoniaevans.com for it. Just provide them with your NARP email purchase details and/or your name. Also, the Goal Setting Module – even one shift of it – can be powerful if you are running out of time – and please know BOTH these Modules are powerful for ANY trauma and feelings that you need to shift.

          I hope this helps and congratulations on the breakthroughs you have been having – and wishing you wonderful continued healing.

          Mel xo

      • bapetistebestmen@gmail.com'
        Sami
        April 11, 2018

        YOUR COMMENTARY ON THE EFFECTS OF THIS NARC sounds like a possession!! no it was not…but they would if they could!

    • Dcortelli@yahoo.com'
      Denise
      March 18, 2018

      I am in middle of trying to get self esteem back I feel bashed

  • Todd404@hotmail.com'
    Todd
    March 12, 2018

    Hi ! For four years I tried to fix things with my very controlling abusive insecure etc gf . Ended up almost killing me . Few monts ago I moved out of state to be further away from her . Today I texted her good bye for good and that even being friends with benefits was still hurting me. She said she understood and we both said good bye . Minute later I went to bar to get jack and coke to sip and think how the hell do i not contact someone that I’ve been trash training to contact ? Moments later i received this latest topic in my email . I don’t feel alone anymore . Funny thing is I quit smoking the day i moved away from her . No side effects what so ever . It’s like I never smoked before ! My gf was bad . Very text book to the max . Will she be like this the rest of her life ? Any ways your email seemed to be heaven sent today . Thank you ! Todd

    • Todd404@hotmail.com'
      Todd
      March 12, 2018

      Question to Mel and all . Is it me or is the nars in your life the most beautiful looking person you ever met ? This girl looked like everything I ever wanted and in ways I didn’t know I wanted . Like what the hell ??! Will I ever think that way about another girl ?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 12, 2018

        Hi Todd,

        often but not necessarily.

        What is consistent is the feeling of: “this is the TRUE love of my life”.

        The lesson of N’s, to let go and fully heal and love ourselves back to wholeness necessitates SUCH a crazy feeling of connection.

        Think about why … letting go of the hardest people to let go of – ones that FEEL totally irreplaceable means that we have to FULLY recover, love and find ourselves for that feeling to go.

        I promise it does when we do the recovery work. They become intensely unattractive … and healthy, real people fill their place.

        Mel xo

        • Todd404@hotmail.com'
          Todd
          March 12, 2018

          “ Real people fill their place” . That’s so heavy I want to vomit and cry . And thank you for the Very Knowlagable response to myself AND all the others . You’ve been a busy girl !

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 13, 2018

            Hi Todd,

            I’m glad that resonated!

            You are welcome 🙂

            Mel xo

        • Anna.holdschick@yahoo.de'
          Anna Holdschick
          March 15, 2018

          I’m experiencing the same, I’m disgusted by the personality of my ex but at the same time I still find him attractive (from the outside) – I don’t know why and hope it stops. I have serious trust issues and friends (or at least I thought they were friends) had turned their backs on me ever since he dumped me over the phone without any explanation and vanished, leaving me to deal with the results of our divorce alone. We spent 12 years together and were married for almost one year. I’m recovering but still I fear that my numbness won’t go away, that I will never find or experience true love and I am grieving over his and his friends nasty behavior. All my other friends are starting families, I’m alone and – no wonder- he left right on time when I have to deliver my best work (Master thesis). It’s hard. Really.

      • katherinejawad@hotmail.com'
        April1973
        July 6, 2018

        Hi Todd,
        I feel that way about my narc partner. That he is so good looking that any woman would want him. I’ve had female friends in the past say that he is “cute” & his cousin & auntie say that he is “good looking”, & my mother as well. F***! That annoys me to the max & reinforces what my addicted mind believes. The reality is, he is a Heroin/ice/MDMA addict & it shows.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Todd,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you. Well done on giving up smoking – stay away, stay strong and heal my friend and then you won’t look back.

      Mel xo

  • gar1099@aol.com'
    James Garzillo
    March 12, 2018

    Thank you mel…most powerful video yet

  • Oberstschuck@yahoo.com'
    KatKlawed
    March 12, 2018

    “Addicted”
    Craving for more,
    Despite knowing better,
    Withdrawal is so painful,
    Addiction makes you a fool…
    Needing another fix,
    Hurting inside and wanting relief,
    An insatiable hunger consumes,
    Tears the heart asunder…
    The mind doesn’t want to let go,
    The memories seem to resurface,
    No switch to change this life’s channel,
    Stuck in the rerun twilight zone…

    It’s tough doing the no contact thing, but necessary!

    • sarahaxt46@gmail.com'
      Sarah
      March 12, 2018

      Wow. You nailed it! It’s all of those things and more. Thank you for sharing. It is comforting to know others are experiencing the same feelings of withdrawal. Hugs to you on your thrived journey.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Kat,

      Great word! Powerful!

      Addictions are a powerful hold, but truly Dear Lady they are the symptom of something deeper.

      The addiction is the way we self-medicate that “something”.

      Hence why, when many people give up ad addiction, they ‘switch the witch for the bitch” and simply take up another one.

      It’s when we find and heal that something (which is so about our inner traumas from childhood, genetic, past -life) we emerge free of needing to self-medicate. Then our choices with which what to fill ourselves and our lives with start becoming healthy ones.

      Wishing you many blessings.

      Mel xo

    • uniquefashionstyle25@gmail.com'
      Justyna Szal
      March 13, 2018

      That’ great! I’m fully connected to it all.. will this sadness ever go? Will all the memories fade away.. will I ever be able to live happily again..

  • poodycat89@gmail.com'
    Carrie Abbott
    March 12, 2018

    This was an amazing testimony and story Melanie! I found myself relating to it all, as I have been intertwined with two Bpd/Npd men, one in which I was married to and have children with, and the other I mistankingly got involved with after divorce. Your videos give comfort and much needed knowledge to individuals such as myself to start a recovery journey of survival. Thank you for sharing your success!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Carrie,

      please know you are very welcome.

      I am very happy you feel inspired to recover.

      So much love.

      Mel xo

  • Cattails18@aol.com'
    Debbie Miller
    March 12, 2018

    I’ve been studying Narcissism for about 7 years now trying to absorb everything I can especially now with the discard phase trying to keep my emotions under control. I’m not doing badly today but yesterday I felt awful. The best part of it is that I understand what to expect, the feelings I’m experiencing and what I am suppose to do about it all. Knowledge is
    Everything. It gives you the ammunition you need for yourself only in order to survive. It’s like an advanced warning of the pain that will come. And it hurts but this is my second narcissistic relationship and I know this time when I go no contact, it will be the last time I will ever let one of these toxic people into my life or if they sneak in while love bombing, I’ll be ready for it. Keep up your heartfelt work of so sweetly without judgement teaching and arming people with knowledge.
    Love you fuys

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      you are very welcome.

      Please know Debbie, I truly am so much more an advocate for 90% (at least) focus on healing ourselves – because every moment we spend learning about them, we are denying ourselves our own recovery time of releasing trauma, filling with wellbeing and loving and healing ourselves back to wholeness.

      Leaning everything we can about them does not heal us. Information does not heal our inner trauma, transformational healing on our inner being does.

      Truly when we heal us, there is no desire to have narcissism as any part of our reality, we have moved on to having our world, life and self filled with what is and does represent thriving.

      Here is a little more about this topic: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-learning-everything-about-narcissism-is-not-the-answer/

      If you have had enough of the research and want to durably heal and emerge out of this, I would love you to take the first step on a path that heals for real: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Dear lady this is from my heart to you – because I care.

      Mel xo

  • seanthemurphy@hotmail.com'
    Sean Murphy
    March 12, 2018

    I’m about 9 months out and am obsessed about learning about this and how to protect myself and my son from having another one of these monsters in my life. I’m frightened of whether I’d give in if the hoovering started.

  • mgnhrt1@gmail.com'
    Meg
    March 12, 2018

    I loved the part where you threw your phone out the window, loved it! I’ve had that desire when relationships go south a couple of times before but have never actually done it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Meg,

      it was similar I actually walked down my driveway, opened my bin and threw it in!

      I REALLY needed to do something like that at that time!

      Maybe with a new iphone X I wouldn’t now! hahaha

      Mel xo

  • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
    Janet
    March 12, 2018

    I had built myself up…in every area of my life and then after 6 years saw him at our daughter’s wedding which retriggered me…I do have the NARP program and I do understand my early abandonment issues but I have found myself spinning back into that other woman I was before which I can’t stand…he is getting remarried and I began sending him volumes of emails which he had set up to block me…I feel so discounted as if we were never together married for 25 years…he has no empathy or humility and overall I know I don’t like/love him and yet there is a pull due to all the years together and also feeling I know I am an amazing woman now after all my growth…his fiance found my emails as she went snooping for some reason in his trash bin…somehow she found the password…and yes my emails were worded harshly…it’s like I lost all integrity..i want justice…he emailed when she brought them to his attention blasting me saying I was abusive and being a bully…how he treated me..i decided to blast him with how he treated me…he said he would take out a restraining order if I ever went to Australia..he would talk to me and this is laughable if I gave back the money from the divorce..it’s the pryer as you said Melanie that somehow you feel they will have changed and found humility…he said he gave me everything so he would never have to ever communicate with me again…the mother of his grown daughter..gee that was news to me…and after being at home for well over years being a woman who took care of everything except going out to paid work…he has a strong defense against expectations…anyway I shook after reading his email…and as Melanie would say look how quickly they can reduce you to a shadow of your former self….our time at the wedding was fine but I realize just one of his many facades….gad people like him irritate me…but I didn’t reply to his email…I know he is toxic…and yet my anxiety has risen…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Janet,

      it really so is about doing the inner work sweetheart, there is really no way around that – if we try to get well with the trauma still inside us – cognitively – it is a really hard battle.

      These horrible feeling that are coming up for you, (I can only imagine how painful they feel) need to be taken to Modules rather than being pointed at him – and then sweetheart you can and will get well.

      There is no relief when we are trying to get the narcissist to take responsibility for loving us, we have to turn inwards and heal and love ourselves – that is the biggest lesson – and the pain gets worse and worse and worse until we concede that is the only thing that we can do.

      I know you can do this Janet, you’ve got this!

      Sending love and strength to you.

      Mel xo

  • laj5579@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    March 12, 2018

    This resonates with me a lot Melanie. I went back to a narcissist three times over the course of 4 years. And he never changed. I don’t think he can, or at least doubt that he will. He cheated, lied, was verbally abusive, manipulative, and smeared me. I loved him, or so I thought. I thought he would be different and finally wake up and become a decent, caring person. No, he won’t and if he does, it won’t be with me around. I have been trying to heal from this for a long time and after a recent interaction with another guy (also someone from my past), who now I see could possibly have narcissistic tendencies as well, I realize I have a lot more work to do. It has brought up intense feelings of my issues with abandonment, being discarded, being judged and my own self judgement. Of thinking that this person can save me and make everything right in my life, despite them showing me that they can not be who I want and need in a significant other, a true partner. I still have hope that I can move past these patterns, but it is not easy. I see now how deeply ingrained these patterns and beliefs are and they need to be brought up and released to move forward in a healthy way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      that is great that it has, and now you know inside you what needs to be done and what you can do.

      That is your emancipation to the other side in the most direct way possible.

      Soooo worth doing!

      Mel xo

  • HopeJulie@aol.com'
    Hope Dickinson
    March 12, 2018

    Melanie, your story sounds so much like my story with the exception that I was married to my narcissist in 1985, it lasted 5 months and we divorced…we didn’t talk or see each other for 34 years and 3 years ago, I left a 20 year marriage to a really great guy to be with my narcissist…it has been brutal, I had already gone through the end of a marriage to him 34 years ago and I am right back to where I was….I can’t believe I left a great guy to take back up with this horrible person…the first year of our relationship in 2015, he got physical with me 4 times and tried to gaslight me into thinking it never happened….after a 2 month break up, I took him back because he had told me he had changed except his idea of working on himself was going to the gym and quitting cigarettes for 5 days…within 2 months he was back to treating me horribly again… I was realizing his words never matched his actions…since then, we had broken up another 2 months but I went back to him because at that time he was on Xanax so he went off of it and I took him back…this time around my health is getting worse, the relationship is all his way, and now I find myself begging him back whenever he ends the relationship…he has ended our relationship over 1,000 times in 3 years, the first year, he would end it on every Monday like clockwork… I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong and one day by accident I came across 10 traits of a narcissist and he was everyone of them except for one…I don’t know when I will ever end this relationship but I know I am in a deep depression…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Hope,

      my heart goes out to you. It is brutally hard knowing it can’t be healthy with that person, but not knowing how on earth we can leave them.

      When you are ready sweetheart I’d love you to come into one of my free webinars – it may be just the thing to give you enough hope and “the way” to start making decisions that can pull you out of deep depression: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I so hope this can help you. You deserve this after what you have been through.

      Mel xo

  • mtbassman5@gmail.com'
    Martin Tomlinson
    March 12, 2018

    Thank you for sharing – every part helps me. I can relate to it all. Just broke from my second and trying not to look back. It’s hard – but you give me hope, much hope.
    Thank you I

  • nataliehill929@gmail.com'
    Natalie
    March 12, 2018

    This was so helpful to me and I really needed it. I am also trying to heal from a 2 year relationship with the narssists. I cry everyday and I believe I can get through it. I did break no contacts and I still don’t want him back. In the back of my mind though I keep thinking that he will come back..I miss him alot but I’m working on healing me and I don’t know where to start. Can you help me Melanie? Tips on how to heal me and how to find who I am…without what the Narsisst turned me into.

  • heatherurban2213@yahoo.com'
    HC
    March 12, 2018

    You are an angel, Melanie. Ironically (spiritually) this very day I felt the urge to go No Contact in the first time since 2016. Thank God for your post!! Truly!! This morning while trying to search for an old email that had no connection with the narcissist, I stumbled upon an old email from him. In his email was an attachment of a photo of a letter his girlfriend wrote to me admitting and apologizing for all the things they had done to break us up, which had been successful way back in 2014. As I sat this morning to reread this…many years after it was sent, I now knew the end result which was that I took him back and then it happened all over again with this same woman…partners in crime….in what he would end up terming their “campaign against me” which began, according to him “the day we reunited”. Seeing this email today infuriated me. The anger bubbled up and I immediately wanted to forward it to him with some snide remark. All day I dealt with this battle within me….a battle I had long stopped fighting a while ago. Anyway, logically I knew that my fear to contact was bigger than my wish to and then I saw your confirming email tonight with this video. Thank you for being an angel who is “right on time”!’ Keep doing what you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi HC,

      wow this was timely for you!

      Sending strength and healing for your true breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • drmedlock@yahoo.com'
    Ronald H Medlock DC
    March 12, 2018

    Melanie, I have followed you for several months now. I want your program to work for me but its so terribly LONG! 1 hour, 2 hours, writing all my stuff form the module 1 in my journal. I have spent months, days, long hours on my headset yet its just not helping. I am stuck on module number 1 and just cant get it to work. Its painful to be on it for hours at a time over and over and still have no release in my heart and head over the narcissist I broke up with a year ago…, My life is very much as you had described in this video. I am 51/M. I have isolated myself. I talk to no one. I do yoga every day and have a hobby I do on weekends. I try to eat well and exercise. But still I feel so overwhelmed and broken. I feel that if the person I think of 24/7 doesn’t love me then how can I love myself..and what do I have if I dont have what THEY want. I have tried EVERYTHING, just like you explained on this video. I just dont have hours on end to do these module over and over again… so stuck in my head…

  • Tlhendal@hotmail.com'
    Lisa
    March 12, 2018

    Thank you for being so honest. You described those moments very precise. I’m 5 years out. Still no contact for these years. His new wife is now going through this hell ( married 3years, the last of a series of mistress’s he had in our marriage) and as text book NPD goes, he has escalated as he’s getting older. I offered my sympathy, i told her that as much as I empathize, I have to wish her well, I gave her a few resources, including your website, and wished her luck and my prayers. We did not have children together, so the no contact had no loopholes. It still hurts sometimes, I do have my “internal” conversations with him that tell him “ I don’t want lived that way”. I loved my husband, but this man is not the man I “ illusioned “ him to be. My husband is dead( non existent as NPD ‘s masked persona fails). Thank you for the reminder and the support sleep no this journey.

  • cnkemper@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    March 12, 2018

    ‘My’ narcissist came into my life just a year and a half go. I had been married for 11 years at the time, and we were going through the most stressful time of our marriage I would say. Moving, new jobs, little kids, no sleep, parents with illnesses, family members visiting etc.

    He was a co-worker of my husbands, and he paid attention to me like no one else ever has (one of the things I realized through this process, just how emotionally unavailable my mom was, and how I grew up emotionally neglected a lot of the time). He would text, and call, and give us presents, all while dating other girls. But I FELT like he was always there to see me…. we had ‘chemistry’ he later told me. His ‘soul mate’.

    Everything came to a head last April, when I was finally able to put words to everything I was feeling. I felt like my marriage was so broken, I felt like I was broken, I felt like I was partly in love with someone who had turned into a monster, and I was a shell of myself.

    The last time I talked to him was in October, and he has sent a few emails since then. But I have been in the darkest places since he left last May, despite the devastation that he left only my whole little family. My husband and I have worked a ton on things… but sometimes I feel how you described. I have done as much self work as I can, and I just hope that one day I won’t think about him anymore, I wont… crave what I knew to be not real but there. I haven’t broken no contact, I don’t want to see or talk to him again. But. I want to feel… normal. Better.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Nicole,

      I hear your struggle … and this is what happens if we haven’t as yet healed what the narcissist is “showing” us, the experience doens’t lose its grip on us – it persists like a virus that we can’t seem to shake.

      I just want to ask you, have you worked with Quantum Tools to find the beliefs and traumas in your cellular DNA, release them and reprogram them? I had tried everything too – tons and tons of work on myself!

      If you haven’t, I would love you to experience the radical game-changing way we can heal: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • bernieotoole67@yahoo.com'
    Bernie O toole
    March 12, 2018

    Im at same stage….started smoking wene i was with narcissist, was discarded, hit rock bottom, kept no contact for a year, did/doing narp programe, felt the benefits but still broke no contact…In a way i was glad i did cause i could see his true colours this time…still smoking and starting to think about shifting the trauma out…i feel like ghe smoking is somehow keeping me atrached to the whole traumatic time..I know wene i stop smoking i will rruley be on the right road to thriving….thanks again mel, you always give the right advise at the right time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Bernie,

      how awesome you are connecting the dots!

      You are SO close to an incredible breakthrough!

      Mel xo

  • larryluv91@aol.com'
    larry Tremer
    March 12, 2018

    after 9 months of obsessing for answers ,beating myself up,finding the answers only to keep obsessing because they werent good enough .I can finally say going no contact is the only answer ,people see the bad and people see the good ,i was the only one who couldent see the good in myself .now i understand. i have changed lets say a work in progress,but staying with my borderline nar.ex now makes me sick that i thought so little of myself to stay in what i could only describe as hell on earth ,what is even more frightening to me is my 12 year old daughter and 14 year old son saw it as clear as day and came to my aid. so today i am devorsed ,still in my house with her off the deed and have full legal sole custody of my children and have not heard from her in almost a year ,i have all this because of going no contact as much as it hurt i did so 3 weeks after her attack on us ,oh and by the way a year later still bashing me on face book and showed up at my lawyers office looking for her settlement money never called to see how kids were but for sure wanted her money,total today for creditors looking for her is 35000 so sit back folks and watch their lives turn to shit and they will. you wouldent want to walk a mile in their shoes and no contact or in clinical terms painting them black will put them a a total loss and drive them bat shit crazy,words ,reasoning ,logic,emotions throw them out the car window they are soulless people with a childs brain ,i owe my life and future to melanie and all the wonderful people on the web who sadly are the only ones who understand what i went through because they also have all of our stories are the same and we are all connected forever now consider it a club and we all have each others back something you never had with your ex

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Larry,

      I am so pleased you and your children are away.

      You are so right – you would never want to be in their shoes, brains or lives.

      It is pure hell.

      I am so pleased you are connected with us all here Dear Man.

      Mel xo

  • Lnj2000@aol.con'
    Ellen
    March 12, 2018

    Thanks so much for this, Mel. You are a brave woman.
    I especially appreciate you discussing addictions, andxesidcuskjy nictone, because I know I’ve been using that (and caffeine) to do exactly what you said, stuff my feelings.
    I really meditated after listening to this, and I am still going back for more pain to various people, and you rebuffed and validated me if that, because after we’ve done it for so long, we can really start forgetting that (if we ever knew it in the first place), and we deeply go into blaming others instead of looking at the addiction, and more importantly what it’s stuffing. We don’t want to feel emotional pain.
    I really believe that the only way out of everything is to put down those addictions and heal what is within me that needs healing.
    I also relate to the statement about sharp was under it.
    Thanks so much for your generosity.
    Ellen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Ellen,

      thank you for your kind words.

      I love that you have connected to the truth about this – because the truth sets us free.

      You’ve got this Ellen Dear Lady!

      So much love 🙂

      Mel xo

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 12, 2018

    Hi, such a great video but my experience was a bit different. I dumped my boyfriend narc in 2007 and immediately met my husband who was a covert malignant narc who charms the pants off of anyone and everyone…. my boys are adore him. We were married 10 yrs and almost divorced but not yet. I kicked him out. He lives a mile away and is fighting for 50:50 custody after almost abandoning the 3 of us. He’s back in full force and spoiling the kids like crazy. I get them more. I have learned from you and books how to parallel parent and not co parent. I wouldn’t take him back if you paid me. I’m so hurt because I found out he got someone pregnant on a business trip and they had the baby! I have no real proof yet but I believe he would do it. He is a womanizer. Nobody knows but my mom. I can’t tell my brothers Mel because they won’t believe me. Please advise how I get through the pain that he is bribing a woman to not contact me. He steals from our business to pay her off. I realize if I wait for Justice it will kill me. I teach Pilates, perform reiki, bought NARP and have lots of super girlfriends. What he did was beyond awful. My little boys would faint in they knew the perfect dad how a child behind our backs! . I want justice, I want my family to know the truth so they stop hugging him at parties because it kills me. What’s my next step?? I need to move forward an maybe somehow by the grace of god this girl will call me and the truth will come out…

    • larryluv91@aol.com'
      larry tremer
      March 12, 2018

      Andrea the truth will come out it always does i know it is beyond frustrating ,understand trying to get people to see what he is doing is only taking the focus away from him,they are masters at this game the more you fight the worse it will be for you ,say nothing he cant hurt you that way ,people will see him tripping on his lies because he lost his source of deflection you.the new woman is in for the fight of her life it will not be a fun ride for her and believe me she sees red flags now its just all new and exciting for her rite now

      • sherrilharris1961@gmail.com'
        Sherril Harris
        March 12, 2018

        Larry has given excellent advice. If you talk badly about your ex-husband, he will turn it around so you look like the bad one. You have to remember that they are great manipulators. Sit tight and allow everyone see him for who he really is.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      truly sweetheart my only and every advice to you is “start releasing ‘what hurts’ with the NARP Modules.”

      We can’t rationalize it and get relief cognitively – it just doesn’t work – we have to reach deep inside and release it from our inner being – and then we get relief.

      That is what NARP does and why it is effective when nothing else we try is.

      It is just about getting started and working the Modules as if your every emotion depends on it!

      Mel xo

      • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
        Andrea
        March 12, 2018

        Thanks Mel, I am on module 3 now and it does help. You mentioned after your work you got justice and he was arrested correct? Mine is hiding money and my lawyer is on to him. I will step away and let her do the work and just keep doing the modules. I start 4 today….. o truly hope it works. I will do them all again if need be.

        Ox

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 13, 2018

          Hi Andrea,

          that is great it is helping.

          He was caught out – warned and stopped. People realized and stopped believing the lies. Justice never came, I lost TONS – but that was before I had the tools.

          Yes, Andrea, that is the key – do that. And truly if you can get to the level of not caring, and simply caring most about your emotional wellbeing and development – that is when the most miraculous things happen for people on NARP.

          Mel xo

  • ball-kim@att.net'
    Kimerlea Ball
    March 12, 2018

    In addition to tearing up every time I think about it which mercifully is getting less, I feel more depressed when I stop to think of how in love and emotionally connected and spiritually on the path and radiant I felt and none of it was real. It was all one sided, my side, and there was no relationship. It was a fantasy i made up in my mind, and any gestures or expressions of care and concern I mistook as genuine were complete and utter rubbish. Sometimes I try to imagine what it must be like to be him and think like he does and I just can’t get my head around it.

  • rpowens333@gmail.com'
    rebecca
    March 12, 2018

    HELLO! Is anybody out there? I feel quite alone these days…quite sensitive which makes work hard…BUT this website is helping me so much! I have recently(2 weeks ago) left the narc in my life. I am a woman, who has now been with 2 Narc men and most recently 1 Narc woman…I THANKFULLY did not stay with this woman long, 6 months I’d say because I remember when I was begining my healing with NARP, I learned a lot from melanie! Unfortunately I didn’t give myself the proper amount of time to heal and release my wounds…I felt so lonely after this second man, I have never felt so much pain in my life…after leaving this Narc. man my mother came to stay with me because she just lost her husband to drug abuse….needless to say I was dealing with the pain and suffering from leaving this terrible man, and living with a grief stricken alcoholic mother (my mom never had alcohol until my dad left her/us when I was 18) I had very loving parents who did their best to provide but I always knew they were not happy together, so when the divorce happened it was just sad to see my mother live her life in complete abandon of who I knew her to be. I met my ex girlfriend at work, I was a manager and barely noticed her until I started going through all this pain in my personal life…I knew I needed to choose healing and logically my head was telling me this…but she was so alluring to me…so kind and beautiful and sweet…i felt like i needed someone who could understand and so I thought a woman would be gentle and kind and not beat up on me for sure because I am a woman and so we would get eachother….after months of work related drama with her being the victim in a lot of cases (and I was so quick to believe her) we were harassed by a man at work who CAME TO OUR HOUSE DRUNK WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH US and I have known this same man for 5 years and he NEVER acted this way before….but she was “Just being friendly” and because she was such a pretty girl he “took her the wrong way” and was a crazy drunk anyway..So we both left the company because even though she may have lured this man to make him look crazy for her own entertainment, I still was made very uncomfortable and the company I worked for did not see it as a conflict of interest or even as harassment…which really hurt! She was all too supportive of me leaving a job I had worked so hard to get, which at the time made me feel safe because this company didnt care about what happened to me….but when I started my new job and when I was dealing with making my mother homeless because she wasn’t doing anything about her drinking and I was being drained in all areas…I knew my mom was not this depressed alcoholic, my mother was strong and so beautifully sweet and loving and kind…she has just been so hurt and I believe her dead husband was a narc too…I am so glad he passed because after years of seeing my mom become so isolated and abused she is 61 days sober living in a center for recovery and sounding like herself more and I am so thankful! ANYWAYS MY EX GIRLFRIEND was accusing me, questioning me, calling me a liar, and making it really hard to be comfortably so THANKFULLY NARP helped me know a little from my previous ex and it’s like it clicked one day in Walmart when out of the blue she was so mad at me for an illusion she made up in her head….and I just had a peak of rage because of the bizarre accusations she had made..I just thought, WHAT AM I DOING WITH ANOTHER ONE???? UGH! I am so thankful I have the new job I have now, I am also thankful that I have a brother who is letting me take refuge at his home while I get back on my feet. I am even glad that I know what happend and why I am still attracting these people into my life….I have to heal…and it takes time…because even though I am aware of what kind of person she is….I am still so depressed, and lonely, and I miss her…when I met her I needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on and she really played that role…I was so down and I tried to refuge myself in a person who was just no good. So, here I am…starting my journey back to health, healing within and self partnering because I have now learned, all this pain i carry…I must face and release…thank you thriver TV!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      wow what a journey, that is wonderful that your Mum is doing so well. The poor darling – she must have gone through terrible trauma to get to this – and how painful for you to not have your Mum available to help you for years.

      You are doing an incredibly courageous thing facing and healing your wounds now with NARP Rebecca. You are a true inspiration and through your healing, your mum will energetically be positively affected too.

      You are on your way Rebecca, and I send you all courage, strength and healing to continue 🙂

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • sophmacken@gmail.com'
    Soph
    March 12, 2018

    Hi Mel. Another very very helpful video! My story is not unlike yours. Although I was discarded by my last narcissist more than a year ago, I did not manage the no contact part well at all! I have literally been running on my adrenals and in a state of terror and self doubt for nearly 7 years. I too lost my health and money and much more. I am on no contact again but this time it feels very different and I am determined. As well as getting my health back on track, I am working through the modules, a little bit everyday. There literally isn’t much left for me to do! Thank you special Mel. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I didn’t find you. I’m not there yet but hopefully one day!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Soph,

      I am so happy that you have turned inwards and are doing the inner work with NARP now – it is the way home to sanity, health, and wellbeing.

      Hun, you are getting there. Keep going …

      Sending many blessings and continued healing to you. You’ve got this Soph! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Arezoud@yahoo.com'
    Ari
    March 12, 2018

    Gosh I did the same thing. Gave in to him after a full year of being broken up and ended up marrying him!!! Now I’m in process of divorce after 3.5 years of marriage. I feel the freedom already, I feel like I can breath, it’s just a good feeling that it’s hard to explain, all of my friends and family think i should be so sad and depressed because I’m going through divorce but instead I feel happy and relieved. It’s all because of understanding the narcissism now which I had no idea about in the past and NARP and all your help Mel. I love your emails and Instagram posts. You truly are an angel. Keep up your amazing work. I really hope one day I can help people the way you do. Much love xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Ari,

      I am so thrilled for you that you have come so far in your healing and emancipation.

      Big kudos to you 🙂

      Awwww blessings to you too and so much love fellow Angel. I have no doubt you will be a bringer of light, life-force, and truth as well.

      Mel xo

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    March 12, 2018

    Oh Melanie, thank you for pouring your heart out on this one. And oh do I know what you were feeling. Exact same thing happened to me. A few times. Wow. I look back at those days and not sure if I want to laugh or cry. IT WAS COMPLETE INSANITY. I remember all of it and it was simply put, insanity. This is what you get when you try to have a real “conversation” with a narc. I also remember exactly how you described…the moment I picked up the phone, my inner gut was screaming at me to NOT DO IT. But I ignored it. Rationalized it. This battle within myself, scared the living daylights out of me. I was concerned for my overall well-being. But like you said, it wasn’t my rock bottom. My rock bottom was taking revenge and this is what really tore my life apart. I tore my life apart on my own doing. Wow.

    I am so glad, so grateful I am not there anymore. I would never be there again, no matter who I meet in the future.

    I thank you a million times from the bottom of my heart for your work and how much you have helped me through these last few years. I am a completely different person.

    Thank you. This is just a reminder of how far I’ve come. xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      please know how welcome you are.

      Gosh, you do understand this compeltely – and wow didn’t we have to go through the bowels of hell to “get it”!

      I am so thrilled for you that you are where you are now, NEVER to return back there!

      Mel xo

  • tdn362@yahoo.com'
    Tamara
    March 12, 2018

    Mel, OMG!!! Your honesty and vulnerability are amazing. Powerful. Thank you! You really do get it and have lived it. The description of you calling him, the cognitive dissociation, your body screaming “no—don’t do this—yet part of you wishing for the fairy tail ending. There were times I broke no contact. We would meet to “negotiate” our reconciliation. My entire body would literally be shaking with fear about meeting him. It was nuts. I’m in all and do very honored to know you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Tamara,

      awww sweetheart thank you for your lovely words.

      Bless you – YOU get it too!

      We are all in this together Dear Lady … TOTALLY 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Gravelroad@mac.com'
    Nattie
    March 12, 2018

    I have realized that there is a certain physical pain I feel- a pain that I feel in all sorts of situations that amounts to feeling ALONE. UNLOVED. UNSEEN. Along with some sort of eagerness or drive that NEVER gets met with satisfaction: connectedness, love, proof of my value, etc…
    This physical ache is so recognizable,such an “old friend” that I realize that I consider it the most connected feeling I have. When I feel it, it almost feels “good”- as though I love suffering!
    I can apply intellectually the things I’ve understood for years about myself and the partners I have chosen. But that understanding doesn’t touch that physical experience.
    I think I have somehow – from a very early age- associated Love with this raw ache that is almost comforting. It’s the same bizarre delight I had as a child when I had a loose tooth. I would twist it over and over. It hurt! But I loved the pain. And even now- all my life- I bite my lip. Contirt my face and chew on the insides of my mouth. It sometimes hurts. But I recognize the feeling as somehow comforting. I know it sounds crazy and by now you envision some very screwed up person. But if you met me, you’d likely say- as many do in spite of how I feel- that I am physically beautiful. (Ugh) A free spirit. An artist. The sexiest person in the room. Blah blah blah. No woman will accept my friendship. No one wants to believe I’m interesting or have a brain. It seems annoying to them. I think they pick up on my insecurity and they dismiss me just like I dismiss me, deep down.
    All I want is love but until I love myself, I bite my lip and somehow find solace in the rawness of abandonment and dismissal. I KNOW that old friend. We go WAY back!
    I am a very intelligent 54 yr old woman who has, somehow, avoided physical abuse, but not emotional. And I am SO LONELY I think of suicide every day but would never do it- almost wish I could but I won’t. I have an adult child. I would never do that to him. Still, I know I’m suffering so much that I absolutely MUST do something. This will not go away.
    I’ve ssid no every single time my former has tried to lure me back. Every week since I ended us in September. THATS 6 months. He doesn’t know that EVERY single day and night, I imagine inviting him over. I imagine that maybe it could work. I never do it and when he tries,I lambast him.
    But I’m still letting him live in my head. I still look at his Facebook- and so don’t even do Facebook myself! And all it does it keep that wound festering. And with that, all the other unhealed pain I’ve held onto.
    I will never grow into my full self until I heal this stuff. I feel utterly hopeless and alone and unlovable. And the only answer is to live myself. I’m trying. But I’m very tired.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Nattie,

      thank you for your raw and powerful honesty. You ARE incredible.

      Nattie you are so right the intellectual understanding does not deal with the physical pain – which are the traumas inside us that are not allowing us to connect to our organic birthright to love and be loved completely, safely and healthily.

      Please let me show you the way home – the way to release the trauma and come home to you and your True Life.

      It’s time, and if not now – when? We are going home some time, but is it now, in 30 years or 50 lifetimes?

      The answer is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • fitchshelley@yahoo.com'
    Shelley Fitch
    March 12, 2018

    He WAS looking for a woman just like you. A woman to wreck. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your personal story with us. It brought me to tears of sympathy and empathy.

    I am 64 now and feel like I’ll never have love in this life. He has found a new supply who is 25 years younger than he and I are. She is the age we were when we met and he wrecked me the first time. I haven’t had a relationship since then. This second time, which only started in September, he just used me as someone to take all of his self-hatred and guilt out on while he looked for someone new. He knew he had wrecked me beyond repair the first time and that I was of no use to him this time. He just needed a punching bag and I let it be me.

    I did warn her, even though everyone says not to. I don’t believe in that. How is is possible to not warn someone who is just like you and me? I know she is a good person and not deserving of what he is going to do to her. She chose to ignore me but I have done what i could. He now hates my guts and I sincerely doubt that he will ever try to hoover me in again since he knows that I will expose him again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Shellie,

      I don’t think any of us would have listened at the beginning – in fact I didn’t – I was warned too!

      N’s are very convincing.

      This episode is all about this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6jS5WIl2Pw

      Please Shelley, I’d love you to know and believe that you can heal. I believe you can.

      Blessings and love to you.

      Mel xo

  • Carolanndudeck@gmail.com'
    Carol
    March 12, 2018

    Your awesome Melanie and beautiful! I have been NO contact now nearly a year it’s pure hell as my children are with him and his new supply! He’s had me arrested on false allegations and my kids blame me for the divorce. I’m trying to be strong but I’m at my wits end please give me some good advice? My beautiful daughter whom I adore just turned 16 and I couldn’t even wish her a happy birthday I feel like dying inside. My son who is only 11 was man enough to tell me that this FILTHY Narc whom I trusted was having affairs inside our family home. I feel so alone, petrified what do I do?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      you poor thing – that is awful.

      Please come into my free webinar and start shifting the trauma and pain out – and I promise you this starts making some space inside for relief, power, healing and solution.

      It’s the only way I know how – it has saved my life and sanity and so many others in this community. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I’m holding the space and your hand for your breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • specore13@gmail.com'
    Kayla
    March 12, 2018

    Amazing story! So exciting and so full of hope. Thank you for sharing! ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Kayla,

      I am so pleased this gave you hope – and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jennyschomp@gmail.com'
    jenny
    March 12, 2018

    😓as a narper this hit the nail perfectly for me on horrid smoking- i SUFFER w the shame and disgust and stinking sickness of my addiction (i smoke every chance i get) -it absolutely is the final remaining ‘narc’ in my life- the ex and the mum have no power to trigger me the same at all any more thanks to my last year of QFH, (quite extraordinary really, bc they really did a nimber on me, duh! but i had no trigger even on the exquisitely painful recounting of the narc-times, just compassion and understanding)

    … i’ll be going back to the final minutes to literally write down all the false beliefs on cigarettes etc because they sent me to sobbing tears with the truth of them for me…. i’m pretty sure the goal-setting module works for those..?
    thank you Mel!!!
    love your gorgeous australia-girl self!!!!
    you feel like a very best friend ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Jenny,

      bless you darling soul – you’ve got this!

      Either Module 1 – just let the traumas all arise (and they will!) and load up and shift with Module 1, or the Goal Setting Module – set up the Goal as “The Source Healing and Resolution of this” and again clear all traumas that arise until you get to a 10/10.

      Just keep shifting and shifting and shifting every time a craving hits and sooner than you know, you will be free!

      Awww you are so sweet Jenny – I love our connection too 🙂

      Mel xo

      • jennyschomp@gmail.com'
        jenny
        March 13, 2018

        i love reading all your replies !!! it’s incredible and inspiring..! i’m endlessly thankful for your crazy hard work.

        please everyone should know i did Mel’s NARP before beginning divorce negotiations and i literally got everything i asked for!!

        Narc just folded over like a rag doll bc he was so utterly bored and/or terrified by my non-reactionary energy. it was no act on my part! no psycho thing he said or did had anything to do with my reality and i just shrugged it off easily.. quite extraordinary really..

        i was unafraid and my little me was always listened to and safe and protected and cozy..❤️

        however! gotta keep releasing whatever binds me to smoking 😬🙄💕

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    March 12, 2018

    Mel, hi,
    I just adore it, how honestly you share your story with us! You’re such a wise woman who taught me so much and you’re also a part of the process of learning and healing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      awww thank you, it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Gosh I SO am – we are all in this together Jane.

      Mel xo

  • sherrilharris1961@gmail.com'
    Sherril Harris
    March 12, 2018

    I left my narc back in 1994 when there really wasn’t much in resources available to help one heal. It took me years to overcome this but I did, mainly with Melanie’s help. And for that I want to thank Melanie for offering these videos and words of wisdom. She really does make a difference. She made a difference in my life. Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Sherril,

      thank you for your lovely words Dear Lady and I am so pleased I could help.

      You are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Yellow81@yahoo.com'
    Mandy
    March 12, 2018

    Melanie,
    Last April I went thru a painful break up with an Abusive narcissist and your videos and emails were a life line for me. I was devastated and so angry and sad.

    I am now going thru a breakup where there’s no closure yet and I don’t know what happened for him, and there’s been neglect and avoidance, and what feels like hurting me on purpose, and I’m feeling sad, angry, and apathetic to life. Your video tonight really helped me. Thank you so much for being a strong woman who helps others heal from the painful experience. I love you! 💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Mandy,

      I am so pleased this resonated and I am glad I could help.

      You are very welcome Mandy 🙂

      Mel xo

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    March 12, 2018

    Thank you Queen!

    Here’s an article you may like:

    http://sylviasalow.com/2017/10/03/protect-yourself-as-an-empath/?v=cd32106bcb6d

    Hugs!

  • flitter237.sb@gmail.com'
    Sarah Batten
    March 12, 2018

    Hi Mel you are an inspiration to me .I have a question though I never want to see my ex again …what do I do with his mother? she really wants to see my son who is only 4 years old he has just turned 4… I have received cards from my son’s brother and sister they want to get in contact with him too I’ve been free from my ex since Christmas could you just give me a little insight many thanks.xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Sarah,

      I am so pleased I can grant you inspiration 🙂

      I would allow it with boundaries depending what your situation necessitates. Can your son have these relatives in his life healthily? If so I believe he deserves them – and this can be healthy and work if you have in place what is necessary.

      Mel xo

  • acanncardno99@gmail.com'
    Annie
    March 12, 2018

    Annie, I feel extremely afraid. I have tried the program, been to your workshop in Sydney and it was the first time I actually felt wonderful! However, I did not stick with the program and went back to the man who was abusive – financially, emotionally, physiologically and escalating physically. I finally fled to SE Asia where my nerves were totally jangled and the abuse still came in emails – lots and lots of emails. I blocked him but he still came through in spam. Each time I would open and read and then shake. I am shaking now.

    I then went from Chiang Mai in Thailand, (where i mostly slept and did no tourist stuff due to sheer exhaustion), and came to Phnom Penh in Cambodia and began to feel relief.

    Then…a very handsome Nigerian came and sat next to me in a bar where I was staying. The course of the conversation was easy and smooth. He was extremely fit and well groomed in a Wiz Khalifa style which I find very creative….I’m a sucker for handsome, creative men. He had his own style and charming at that.

    He had me running in circles since meeting him in October 2016. It began with his asking me for a favour in mid November 2016 and continued until now. A lot to this story but boils down to the same for us all with our emotions. Destroyed dreams, lack of self worth, isolation, and left financial broke without the resources to survive comfortably. The sad stories, the preying on my vulnerability. He knew how to strike – like a snake, watching and waiting and boom! Suddenly I am left stunned and in a great deal of pain. Anxious, depressed, low esteem, fearful – these words do not cover how I feel. I feel i have let my sons down and this hurts me enormously.

    I now have New Zealand Federal Police involved and am in the process of writing reports so they can be actioned. The writing and the scrolling through emails has been really excruciatingly nerve wracking but also eye opening! Its an excise in itself but a hard one none the less.

    I take Xanax for my shaking, sleeping pills for sleep, and am currently sipping wine and smoking cigarettes to smooth out my nerves.

    This man still messages me and taunts me. Although he states he has left SE Asia and invites me to be with him in Africa I know it is all lies – he has no qualms about my booking and taking a flight to Tanzania or South Africa’s cape Town where he now claims to be, but I know I’d just be standing in an Airport waiting for a ghost. This man is like smoke. You cannot grasp smoke…

    I am deeply great full for the NZFP who work from Bangkok and cover the Cambodian areas, and also the Australian Federal police both here in Phnom Penh and in Sydney where my son lives and first reported my situation. I live in a very corrupt place and help is space – police are paid off…..bribes. I leave here soon thank God!

    Today when I saw the email to your program Mel, I knew it was a sign. A very good sign – one that has come in perfect timing. I have paused this video as suggested and am now about to press play….will write a comment at the end.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Annie,

      oh my goodness you have been through so much.

      Sending you strength and healing for your recovery. It’s time.

      Maybe my webinar could help to give you the boost, healing and relief that you need to start getting you back? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

      • acanncardno99@gmail.com'
        Annie
        March 13, 2018

        Wow, thanks Mel – will be doing this shortly! Anything to ease the pain and the exhaustion. Everyday I am waking up with the thoughts of suicide, you know, sleepinging pills and xanax overdose – easy to do in Cambodia as you get these over the counter. But once I get up and have a coffee and thyroid pills I start to get thinking that life may still have something to offer me – and there you are again!

        Yesterdays video was awesome! And obviously others felt the same. Its’s hard isn’t it when people cannot see whats happening within – if we had a broken bone well…all run to the rescue but not a broken heart or mind….sad world really when the predator preys on the soft of heart…..wish they’d just stick to battling each other….

        Luv to u xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 14, 2018

          Hi Annie,

          It’s my pleasure 🙂

          You are right – there is MORE in store for you than this pain!

          You can do this … what else is there to do?

          Coming back to do it all over again …. NOT an option!

          So many blessings and much love to you Annie 🙂

          Mel xo

  • Lianewarbutton@hotmail.com'
    Liane
    March 12, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    This is a great video!

    Do you think reiki, yoga etc helps as a supplement alongside the NARP program or is it just worth sticking just to NARP?

    Thanks,

    Liane

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Al
      March 12, 2018

      Hi Liane,
      Yes I do, yoga is wonderful to get us fully back into our body and body/mind/ spirit connection and nurture our health. Melanie often shares how she prioritises her daily exercise/ health/ well being activities in her busy schedule. Doing NARP granted me the feeling of mattering enough…the self worth and self partnering to really make taking good care of myself a daily priority. enjoy!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Liane,

      I love supplements!

      I truly believe any “wellbeing” is wonderful to soak up!

      Do whatever feels great and nourishing alongside NARP.

      Mel xo

  • Farahcockerill@yahoo.co.uk'
    Farah
    March 12, 2018

    I feel life never will be the same
    I can’t move on
    Feel in the roundabout for 2 years now .

    • kaking@optonline.net'
      Karen
      March 12, 2018

      Farah,

      I feel the despair in your comments and I have been there. I am still not free from my nightmare of narcissistic abuse but I am past the point you are at today and I promise you, you will hurt less and it will get better. Please believe it!!!
      There is peace and better times ahead.

      God Bless

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Farah,

      my heart goes out to you – those feelings are agony.

      I’d love to help you feel hope. My free webinar can help: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    March 12, 2018

    Dear Melanie
    I had a father to whom it seemed I was more or less an irritation or non-existent and a mother who was emotionally unavailable and very severe when we were young. There were problems surrounding death, loss, and repression (among other things) on my father’s side of the family and violence, loss, death, secrets and exile etc! on my mothers side; in other words plenty of trauma on both sides. My relationships with men have never been successful. I became involved with a narcissist in 2006 and managed to get him out of my home in October 2016. The horrible details are unnecessary.

    Having been no-contact for a year I thought this video might not be for me and I nearly didn’t watch it…. Thank goodness I did, it’s sometimes VERY good to have such a salutary reminder to put oneself first (and concentrate on NARP). As you described your breaking no-contact with narc 1 I felt there was a block of ice in my stomach. Many of the things you explain were so familiar:- after one year away from him I was not better; I suffered from cognitive dissonance and chronic confusion; disassociation; PTSD, loneliness, disconnection from life and others. At least the internal screaming had abated because I was no longer making decisions in his favour but which were in NO WAY in my interests. I think I was barely functioning, just treading water, trying to support myself but without hope for the future. A chance meeting led to me discover NARP last October. I’m not fully thriving yet but things are SO much better that I have hope I’ll get there. I am currently doing the Goal Setting Module of NARP every day, following advice from the forum, because there is something very large and dense which won’t reveal itself but needs shifting. I think the module is helping to diminish “it” by chipping away at it, which is good news. I try not to be impatient but….!

    You are a real star Melanie
    Thank you again and again
    Love from Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Hannah,

      That is great this resonated with you – it is very true that many of us know these feelings – exactly – we may be away from them but still struggling to live!

      I am so happy that you are orientated in putting yourself first and chipping away at shifting that block, and that’s beautiful that the Forum are helping you.

      I promise you, sweetheart, that you just keep pulling those bricks (trauma) our of the wall, and one day the wall collapses and you are out the other side looking at beautiful pasture as your normal. Yes, stuff will come up from time to time but we know we are home.

      You are getting there – TOTALLY!

      So much love.

      Mel xo

  • kaking@optonline.net'
    Karen
    March 12, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you so much for this video and for all your videos! I am in the 12th year of a “relationship” with a malignant narcissist who has destroyed both my physical and mental health. I have been trying to break free for many years but the trauma bonds and manipulations inherent in narcissistic abuse have made no contact all but impossible for me. This weekend I blocked him on my phone for an entire day and this is the first time in all these years I have been able to do that. It sounds rediculous, especially after the agony he’s put me through that I don’t just easily block him forever! I don’t know how I would still be here today had I not found you and the thriver community. I was 40 yrs old and had never even heard of narcissistic abuse when I met my abuser. I am endlessly amazed at how similar all of our stories are and my heart breaks for all of us! Knowing we are not alone and that there are others who can truly understand what we are going through and hearing the success stories of those who have survived and found a way out of this nightmare helps me to go on. God bless you and everyone in this community.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Karen,

      it’s my pleasure.

      It isn’t ridiculous because there is no logic involved in this! We all know exactly what you are talking about.

      I am so pleased you are here too Karen, and please know there is a way out and forward – truly.

      When the times right you will do it 🙂 I know you can and will.

      Many blessings and strength to you Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • carolanne7703@gmail.com'
    CA
    March 12, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Alot of what you say makes sense. I’ve been watching your videos for a few weeks now which I chanced upon when searching the web. I’ve had a terrible time with a narcissist. I divorced him last year and still the court legal issues are ongoing which I hope will finish soon. All the time during my marriage I was confused and didn’t really understand what the hell was going on. He discarded me in a terrible cruel way and all the legal fights have taken up so much energy, now they are nearing an end and actually having found out he is a text book case which I can say has been a revelation, I know I will need to heal in the months ahead. I will keep watching your videos and when the time feels right naturally look to find a way to heal from all this trauma. I have no intention of having contact with him as I am a strong person but I do need to heal and find inner happiness and I think answering some of the conflicting feelings I have is a way to go. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi CA,

      that is great my work makes sense!

      I am happy for you that you are coming out of the fog, and connecting to your feelings (totally correct that is the way home!) … and to connect to my free healing resources, which start getting that process of healing underway, this is the beginning step-by-step point: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • lorrainewilcock529@gmail.com'
    Lorraine Ann Wilcock
    March 12, 2018

    It seems I am walking the same path. .my story is so long convulated and painful that I cannot begin it in this response…but it feels good to know I am now on the right path to healing with the NARP programme when I can get it downloaded and printed. I have hope and feel a brighter future is on the horizon. THANK you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Lorraine,

      that is great you are about to start with NARP – it is your way out of this and to real, accelerated healing.

      Mel xo

  • ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
    ELAINE STONE
    March 12, 2018

    It took me 5 years of desperate clinging onto who I thought was the love of my life – before I found your work and took the narp healing program. You said that once I had healed the childhood trauma, I would be free of the need of the narcissist. AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!! After 5 years of not being able to think of him, contact him, needed him like I needed air…..I walked away nearly one year ago and have not contacted him since. I do think of him, I’m bound to I suppose, he was pivotal in my life. But, I don’t miss him and I would not go back to him if my life depended on it. He was my mum and dad mixed together in one cruel, sadistic man. Good riddance to him. Melanie, you have given me my life back xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Elaine,

      I am SO happy for you!!!

      Many blessings to you and continued incredible healing 🙂

      Mel xo

  • ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
    Elaine Stone
    March 12, 2018

    Sorry, I made a typo in the comment above – I meant to say I spent 5 years not being able to STOP thinking about him and contacting him constantly. Sorry xx

  • Julie@suwaneemagazine.com'
    Jules perdue
    March 12, 2018

    I am at almost one year of no contact with ex husband who was my rest-of-my-life love who shattered me and my dreams. It has been excruciatingly difficult to not text, call, look for him on social media but every day has made it better. Last night I was actually contemplating calling him. Insanity. And I have failed at quitting smoking so many times….so here came your email as if it was made just for me! Thank you. I needed both reminders about narcissism and addiction and I feel hopeful that I am surviving both. I will get to the place of healing. I am almost there.

  • Pennylshure@gmail.com'
    Penelope
    March 13, 2018

    Melanie
    Thank you so much for going into such detail and honesty. I realize that I am the one who needed the healing in order to break free of this life long pattern of seeking out N partners. Something I thought of recently is that in everyone of my marriages ultimately nobody could understand the choices I made because each man was so different from me. One was almost homeless actually. I had no boundaries and no self worth. Because my mom is an N I was trained that way. I believe that being in that situation caused my father to die of cancer at 39 and my brother at 47. He married an N. I believe it is my instinctive connection to source that is giving me strength to get over the last and most dangerously abusive marriage and YOUR program which has explained how to recover, stop self blaming and understand that the child in me had been leading the way all of these years. I have been integrating and attracting amazing new people into my life on several levels. However there is still a fragility and I think that is due to the adrenal fatigue and other stress related physical issues I developed due to breaking no contact. I went back several times. Thank you for saying this is normal. They told me at the crisis center where I first turned for help that 1. I’m not crazy and 2. Most women go back and it is very dangerous to do so because this type of abuse kills you.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope one day I am brave enough to share and help other people survive the way you do. You are an inspiration. So glad you quit smoking BTW!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Penelope,

      you are so welcome, sweetheart, and also thank you for being so brave and an inspiration.

      You have been through so much, I have no doubt that you will come up and out the other side and help so many others, as a result of what you have survived and thrived from.

      That is awesome that you are already reaping the outer changes as a result of the inner healing.

      I am so thrilled about giving up smoking too – I cant ever imagine doing it again – in my wildest dreams – yet it used to COMPLETELY consume me!

      Please know Penelope NARP is so powerful for healing adrenal fatigue and all our imbalances created by the impacts of trauma.

      Have you thought about – or are you are NARPer? It heals what we simply can’t!

      Mel xo

      • Pennylshure@gmail.com'
        Penelope
        March 13, 2018

        Hi Mel,

        Thanks for your reply. Yes, I actually did the Setting Goals module yesterday. It helped a lot. I had to go to social services in the morning to apply for assistance as the N relationship depleted all of my resources. I felt so sad and out of place to be asking for help like that. I kept trying not to cry and worrying I would throw up.
        I did the module and realized that my financial issues and fears are very deeply rooted and perhaps this situation now is allowing me to realize that the old messages I received about myself and my ability to thrive were simply wrong, toxic and cruel.

        Mel you gave me the “tool” I needed to get me through yesterday. Thank you. So happy it will help the physical health issues too.

        Much love
        Penny

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 14, 2018

          Hi Penny,

          that is great!

          You are SO on the right track!

          Big kudos to you 🙂

          Mel xo

  • akaimmersionnetworks@gmail.com'
    kyran
    March 13, 2018

    there is stuff deeper than narcissism, first step is wounds and healing, then there is being human and wild, also there is us abusing others and sexuality, and there is also us crucifying ourselves/creation/humanity and ecstacy,

    on the other side of it, there is also 1 step……. being a healer and being attacked for it, there is being human and primal and being raped because of it, there is deep down being open to all types of sexuality expressions and being controlled for it, and there is being ecstacy in its purist form and having to express that in your life or become a disease of yourself and the universe.

    these are just some first steps in understanding that there is narcissistic simplicities and complexities from top to bottom and all around.

    enjoy the soul journey people, much love

    keep listening to her, she has begun the first steps to ……… Star forbid that its open to all things about you on your journey and before things began.

    ps….. on a lighter note, when you talk about your narcissistic men in your life, are you talking about your cats? just a thought…… my cat makes me think strangely about others also.

  • nadiamorand@hotmail.com'
    Yvette M
    March 13, 2018

    Because the Narc and I have children together and share custody, no contact is difficult. I do my best at minimal contact and I am proud to say that I succeed most days. Having said that I still feel triggered at times and have been self medicating with cigarettes and food. I’ve been abusing my body and cant seem to break the cycle. He has moved on to many girlfriends and living the life he wants while I work two jobs and pay him child support. It’s been two years since I left and I still don’t feel like myself. I am struggling at best most days and I am so frustrated that I am still suffering. I have avoided my own healing and not sure why. I have been receiving these videos through email and watch when I can. Thanks for sharing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Yvette,

      you have already come a long way – the next step to real freedom is the inner healing.

      It can be so common to have beliefs not allowing us to heal – yet the irony is with the inner healing tools (NARP) we can target and shift those beliefs!

      Wishing you incredible true healing Yvette. You will know when enough is enough and its time.

      Mel xo

  • angela.kayserilioglu@gmail.com'
    Angela Kayserilioglu
    March 13, 2018

    Dearest Melanie, I really appreciate your honesty in telling your own story. It totally resonates to my own story. Been there done that. My narcissistic husband discarded me 9 months ago and yet the beautiful moments we had still haunt me. This is my biggest problem. This is what I miss the most. And it seems to me that I can’t get these memories out of my mind. Although I try so hard to get rid of them. Everything seems to be so empty. Like a small child standing in a crowded place, alone, feeling lost. I’ve just started my journey with the NARP program and I understand that I need to to partner with myself to break free from this horrible addiction of being co-dependent to the narc. I ‘ve never learned how to self partner with myself. I want so much to get over these haunting memories of the beautiful moments we had. This would be my biggest breakthrough. No more clinging on to this. Lots of love, Angela xxx

    • rani.komsan@yahoo.co.uk'
      Lori
      March 13, 2018

      I feel exactly the same. I ghosted him 11 months ago. Had he not been an abuser i woukd never have ended it this way but i was afraid of his reaction. He had been distant and showing many signs of cheating. Our physical side stopped altogether and we hardly spent anyntime together anymore. The good times were so good and he was so loving i cant get the sadness out of my head i still long for those times and i feel desperately sad i will never have that again. He was a narcissist for sure as the emotional abuse was horrible but this push pull in my head and heart is not going away i still love him or at least j love who i thought he was.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Angela,

      I am so pleased you are on NARP and unravelling and releasing trauma. Once enough goes I promise the haunting stops.

      You are on your way – keep going.

      You’ve got this and much love to you too 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Laurievaldez1@icloud.com'
    laurie
    March 13, 2018

    I bought the program a year ago, I still have trouble absorbing modules. I feel there is some kind of blockage that’s blocking me to do this. I’ve always had problems doing meditation also, maybe it’s because I can’t concentrate. I really don’t know what it is. I feel very broken . since I found out my husband has Narcissistic personality disorder with psychotic episodes. I’ve had a very hard time dealing with it. I feel very angry at myself for letting 30 years of my life trying to help him and never worrying about me about how my consequences would be later on in life from doing this. I need help I feel like I am on the verge of having another mental break down like I did in 2009 because of physical verbal and emotional abuse. It’s ridiculous and it’s been going on for so long it’s so hard to change this and to go within myself to find peace. I’ve tried the modules and I just have such a hard time doing them. Do you think it would be best if I start again with your 16 day course. Because apparently I’m not understanding some part of the modules. Thank you for all your videos. I truly love them and it seems like they help at that moment but of course because all my problems are subconscious it doesn’t stay with me I have to go back and look at them over and over again. I want to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself and I have to say this is the hardest part of my life right now. If you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it, because I feel like I am just getting worse and worse and I think the only person who understands me is my sister. I can sit all day and read and try to find things out about his personality disorder and while I’m doing that of course I’m smoking and I know it’s not good for me but what really bothers me is that every day I spend so much time doing this I waste my whole day. And then the next day comes and I tell myself I’m going to do this this and that but I never do it. And sometimes the more I read about the situation the more angrier I get with him and myself for allowing this to happen, I feel like I must’ve been underneath a rock or something and I think that’s what makes me so angry and now I don’t work I have multiple sclerosis so I’m home all day and this is all I do. As I read this right now it sounds so ridiculous to me so I know my mind at least works in the right order realizing that this is not the right thing to do, but like I said before I am struggling so much with the Modules and trying to change myself. Maybe it’s because I have never spent so much time on myself before and because I always focused on everybody else. I don’t know what it is but please help me because I feel like I’m going crazy and I can’t stand it anymore. Thank you so much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      my greatest suggestion to you is to get help and coaching in the NARP Forum – so that you can have help identifying and shifting the blockage that is not allowing you to heal. That can make a world of difference – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      If you have any trouble accessing the NARP Forum then email supprt@melanietoniaevans.com and one of my lovely staff members will help you.

      I hope this helps and sending you Quantum strength, blessings and healing.

      Mel xo

  • teresa1mccormick@aol.com'
    Teresa.
    March 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    This was a very powerful episode, and it spoke deeply to me.

    I was particularly interested to hear that it was the words of your friend who warned of your imminent end should you return to narc no.1 – and her reminder that you would also lose your son as a result. I also remember reading that it was your son Zac – who you call your “angel” – who also told you after narc no.2 that he had faith that you would come back stronger than ever.

    Whilst it is ultimately us who make the final decision to leave, like you it was the thought of losing my son and daughter which finally woke me up. I shared that recently with you, and similarly referred to my daughter as an “angel”. After I made the final decision to leave I too had to deal with the emotional fall out, and whilst I did not suffer a complete breakdown ( I came close ) , it was absolutely a decent into the abyss, the likes of which I had never known. In the process, it made me look closely even at my relationships with my adult son and daughter and forced me to remove any possible co-dependent tendencies I may have had invested there. It really drove me to “clean up” things I thought I already had, or didn’t even know were there.

    As ever, thank you for such honest sharing.

    Much love,

    Teresa x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Teresa,

      it was lovely to connect recently over how amazing or children are, and to hear your story about that impactful time with your daughter. Thank you so much for it!

      I am so happy for you and I that we are out the other side!

      I agree TOTALLY, staying as a codependent attached to abuse became not an option when our children’s lives depended on us getting well.

      So much love to you and your family, and it’s my pleasure, Teresa.

      Mel xo

  • mcleodrn.clnc@gmail.com'
    Lola
    March 13, 2018

    I appreciated addressing the subject of “The Return to the Narc”. I know from my own past returns that while it seemed that all my “no contact” time had been wasted in one interaction, I know that isn’t true. There is something the soul cries out for and I think that if we listen to ourselves, we learn to trust ourselves to do what is in out best interest in every moment. This would explain at least 6 returns in my own past, none of which I would change, really.

  • duplessislenett@gmail.com'
    Lenett
    March 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie. I am a single mom of 41. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am convinced if it wasn’t for your e-mail in my inbox I would have been dead by now. I thought I was crazy because for 5 years I have been in a relationship with a narc. He took all my self confidence. I go no contact for a week then give in again. I have no self confidence at this stage. No friends even and I am honest when saying I just can’t trust a man again. You mentioned your age today and it gives me so much hope. If you could do it then there is hope for me. The thing is I still doubt myself. Is he really a narc or am I crazy? I still have a long way to go but thank you for saving my life and making me feel hallway normal again xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Lenett,

      please know honey if I could from where I cam back from, you can … I really do know that from the bottom of my heart.

      Have you started the inner work? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ? Without that dedication to ourselves, I don’t know how it can be done …

      It’s your key.

      You’ve got this Lenett.

      Mel xo

  • bastille1@aol.com'
    Marian Droba
    March 13, 2018

    Last 5 minutes have the action step. Just sharing for others. Love the inspiration, but wanted to use the 30 minutes a little better so had to skim listened. Is it possible to get the video transpcripts on the site someplace. I learn better by visual input.
    Thanks!

  • fogcitynative@gmail.com'
    Norm
    March 13, 2018

    This video was so profound. Because no one understands what it is like to have been discarded by a narc except by someone who has been through it as you have Melanie.

    I am a 69-year-old guy. She was 14 years my junior. She was beautiful. She was smart. She had style and talent. And she was a narc.

    I had no idea what NPD was when she broke up with me via e-mail in 2010 after a short separation. But in hindsight, the red flags were all there, I just didn’t see them. I was just always afraid she would leave me. We were together 6 years. I was co-dependent and put her on a pedestal. We (or should I say she) had an amazing life that I paid for. I ended up losing everything: my business, my car, my house, all of it.

    After the breakup, she blocked me everywhere, even on LinkedIn. (It’s actually funny now because her LinkedIn profile hadn’t changed in the whole time we were together. And I doubt it has since). And she turned me into the government for collecting unemployment while living overseas. Left me with a $25,000 debt I am still paying.

    The first three years after the breakup, I cried just talking about her. I missed her constantly. My missing her defined my life. If I couldn’t have her, I desperately wanted someone just like her but who wasn’t a narcissist. I despaired over never having any news of her new life. Or that we’d never likely speak to one another again. Ever.

    Here is one article from a brilliant writer, Lauren Jarvis Gibson, that gave me an entirely new way to look at my own loneliness and sorrow:

    https://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/08/you-dont-miss-him-you-just-miss-being-in-love/

    But you are so right Melanie. To stop missing her, I had to fix myself. All my pain was related to trauma from my childhood. Now, whenever I get nostalgic, wherever I long for the “good old days” I remind myself of all the horrible things she did to me and how she took but never gave. I remind myself that she never once said “I’m sorry. I was wrong” or “I miss you and can’t wait to see you”.

    I’d add one thing I found helpful. Forgiveness. I had to forgive her because her condition was also a result of childhood trauma. That’s why we were so attracted to one another. It was like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.

    While she has no conscious knowledge that she is narcissistic, being that way was how she coped with being an unwanted child. She never thought “Gee, when I grow up I want to be a narcissist”. It makes no sense to be angry at her over a disease she never wished to have. So I forgave her. For everything. And I did it for me, not for her. She neither knows or cares that I have forgiven her. She is a narcissist. In her mind, she is never wrong so there is nothing to forgive. Because if you were to ask her, everything wrong with our relationship was my fault.

    The harder part was forgiving myself. That took years and is still an ongoing process. I don’t trust women. I haven’t had a romantic relationship with a woman since the breakup. I used to care. I used to think there was something wrong with me. But with lots and lots of therapy, I have become happy being alone. Happiness is an inside job. There is nothing in the world external to myself that will make me happy.

    In three weeks, I am moving to South America to retire and hopefully travel. I know no one there. I do not need to work, but might choose to. I have a little fear, but I am doing it anyway.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Norm,

      thank you for your powerful and incredible comment.

      So insightful and so honest.

      I love how you wrote this … “it makes no sense to be angry at her over a disease she never wished to have. So I forgave her.”

      Norm, I totally also know that with these people they gave us the opportunity through their soul contracts with us to free us from our childhood traumas – and be and live as our True Selves – the greatest gift of all. At soul level she ADORED you to grant you that.

      There is a wonderful woman for you Norm in the future – your True Self soul mate. I totally believe that. Love is too big not to be yours.

      Mel xo

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan
    March 13, 2018

    I broke contact last week because I was looking for reassurance (false, but reassuring) and the pattern where I fight against a narcissist to get my power.

    I got an email like this from the narcissist:
    “Your rules. Own your sh*t Megan. Your life. I am not manipulative or a liar just a human. You do not know me at all. You have no right to judge me. May you find peace in your hateful heart.”

    Being called hateful and saying that I was hurting others on purpose has been a real trigger for me and made me do whatever people wanted me to do. I felt the pull and then realized that I was reaching out to her out of nowhere because I was looking to repeat the same old pattern for my own comfort – the familiarity of it was what I wanted. I had the flu for 7 weeks and had been getting an allergic reaction to something else at the same time – so I was weak in so many ways. It seems like getting sick can be a time to reach out to the community?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Megan,

      it’s so true we get triggered into trying to resolve it with the people who are abusive.

      Whereas the resolution is truly the healing of all those original old wounds, that were inflicted on us which are in repeat – within ourselves.

      Then there is no trigger – we just pull away stay away and the connection is severed.

      That’s the work … you’ve got this 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lida.rotari@laposte.net'
    Lidia
    March 13, 2018

    Oh, Melanie, you are so great!!!
    Thanks for inspiring us with your courage, your attitude and your sincerity…
    I relate to every feeling you are talking about and regret only one thing: not knowing about the narcissistic abuse disorder BEFORE leaving that monster…
    I must confess, today I still have revenge feelings and plans towards him, which are stating that I am not completely healed.
    But I am working on my healing 😉 and become more and more indifferent to the object of my past obsession!

    (to just show you a picture of my horrible state 4 months ago: in the bus, on my way to work, hearing a notification on sb`s phone – and I feel like thousands of knifes go through my body, and I litteraly crumble down and lose my mind – because the sound reminds me of him, punishing me with no contact).

    Thanks for being with us on our journey within ourselves.

    Love
    Lidia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Lidia,

      thank you 🙂 It’s my pleasure!

      That is so great that you are on your way to freedom and YOU!

      Mel xo

  • analaura_ml@hotmail.com'
    Ana
    March 13, 2018

    Melanie, first of all I want to say thank you. No one like you, because you offer the healing for ourselfs, instead of keep claiming the narcs for everything we had suffer. I have some questions: How can you write and talk about the narcs without feeling your body sick? Those memories do not take you again to that town of pain?
    I have to say that in this video you have been braver than ever, you have exposed yourself like you never did before. I´am very sensitive to notice when someone say one think to encourage others and at the same time, suddenly (or constantly) shows traces of resentment, angry or pain. That is not very helpful neither very hopeful. I´am happy to see that you are out of that pattern.
    Let me tell you this: At the beginning, as I started to know about how the narcs are, the most I suffered! It´s like go through the wound and shake it and squeeze it! In the first time I felt myself like in the Thruman Show, just like that. Then I knew that a had a choice to make: Keep living in a fantasy/hell or leave him no matter what. I took the second choice after 5 years I knew he was a narc. It´s been hard. The last 2 years I´ve been dealing with legally issues, flying monkeys, his new wife, my 3 sons and 1 daughter facing a father they did not know well, who disappeared of their lives one year ago and knowing, because some people have told them, that he appears in his Facebook like the most happy man ever exist. As you see, same stuff that most of them do. My sons and daughter are adults now and I hope each one has the wisdom to deal with this in the best way for their lives. I know they observe how I´m going. It is a challenge for me. A therapist told me that my fight IS NOT their fight. I will appreciate everything you can tell me about this matter too.
    Thanks again, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Ana,

      That is such an AWESOME question.

      Ana the reason I can is that I released ALL of the trauma in my body that was there to do with them.

      I did that with NARP.

      So … it is all fully integrated (gone and reprogrammed) therefore it TRULY is like I am talking about another person, and even N-abuse is another reality that is NOT mine.

      Does that make sense?

      My answer to you Ana is the same – NARP. It is what has allowed the Thrivers in this Community to let go, move on, be totally unaffected (for real) and create and generate their own incredible lives. I could not have done it without NARP.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      We can go around and around mentally and cognitively trying to get well, but that part of our brain doesn’t even have the capacity to deal with or heal trauma – it has to be a deeply inside job – which NARP addresses.

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    March 13, 2018

    That was gripping. I’ve always called it The Longing, that feeling you get when you are feeling emotionally deprived. I had a narcissistic man contact me again after 16 years, wrote me a beautiful letter, to ‘the one I loved the most’ … regretted he had not always been honest with me, with others, and worst of all, with himself. I was flattered by how much he remembered. Was I sucked in? Yeah … I was lucky he lived a long way away, but we kept in touch for a couple of years, he dropped by a couple of times.
    But, I actually had to write on a large sheet of paper the things he hadn’t remembered and FORCE myself to read it over and over … “he kneed me in the groin, punched me in the solar plexus, left me winded on the floor … and he didn’t look back. He placed his hands around my neck etc. etc.” It took a while, but it worked.
    I still find it astounding how strong that Longing is, how irrational – would even throw us in the path of danger.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Lucy,

      it is so true abuse and getting free is not logical – not when the abuser dangles the carrot of our unhealed childhood needs. Until we heal those – specifically – we are susceptible.

      That is exactly what “The Longing” is.

      Mel xo

  • Hestiles@gmail.com'
    Tine
    March 13, 2018

    This video came with perfect timing. I just left my ex boyfriend two weeks ago. I had to move out all my stuff in a week packing day and night, while he had gove skiing with his new girlfried that he got involved with shortly after I confronted him with what he was. He made a sexual asalt to be on the night before we went away, and then it was enough for me. All the stuff I didnt get with me, he took, made false accusations against me, and even a false assault claim. I fleed. Although I have broken the contact already multiple times, and it just makes me feel worse, I can not stay away. I beat myself up because of it. Intellectually I know I have to saty away, but it’s like a drog and I need a fix. Therefore last night I applied to go to a womens shelter ( as I have nowere to live right now), and I know they will help me stay away. I will take up your course, because I know it will help me two. I can so much relate to what you say – almost all of it, in all your videos. Your are a fantastic communicator, and I am sure you have helped so many wonen world wide – as you are helping me!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Tine,

      your courage is incredible and massive kudos to you.

      I am always so inspired by the real lionesses on the ground – who are willing to lose it all to get it all. You are saying to you – I am worth more – and I are willing to do what it takes to honor me.

      Tine, you are going to emerge as even more incredible from this. Sister, I am holding you and am wth you-you have TRULY got this.

      Mel xo

  • catherinehowell13@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    March 13, 2018

    Hi you have been through a lot of pain and come out the other side it gives me hope ..I went back to my husband after 18 months apart listened to all the promises for 3 years then had a breakdown and left again at Christmas I am now doing the narp programmes and beginning to see what has happened over the last 40 years I cannot thank you enough for helping me ..my fear is when I am feeling better I may be rented to go back your video will give me strength thankyou x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 13, 2018

      Hi Catherine,

      you are so on the right track.

      Keep going 🙂

      Sending you blessings strength and continued healing.

      Mel xo

  • CherylKeenan@comcast.net'
    Cheryl
    March 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie: I have been following you for a while now and really learning a lot from your NARP advice and videos, or so I thought. I was doing sooo good… I have been particularly vulnerable as of late, as I lost my mom in January, who was like my best friend, took care of her when she got sick and stayed by her side until she passed away. I have gone almost two years with no contact and not hearing from the Narc either. Then the week my mother died, I received a sympathy card in the mail and a text from the Narc, telling me how sorry he was that I lost my mom because he knew how close we were. He expressed what seemed to be a very sincere apology also about how things ended, which I never thought I would get from him and which I thought he was not capable of. It gave me some sense of closure as well, but before I knew it, I found myself sucked right back into his world, wanting to be with him again and remembering all the great trips and time spent with each other, then I realized he texts and then goes silent and there I am craving his attention again, wtf is wrong with me! Did I not learn my lesson from all the incredible pain I went through? I have gone two days now without texting, but I have been so lonely since my mother’s loss that it just feels so raw again, I hate myself, after his cruel discard and grooming his next victim while still with me behind my back, all the time acting like this great, nice guy when he’s just a pathological, narcissistic asshole. I haven’t thrown my phone in the trash yet Melanie, but I did delete him and here I sit incredibly raw and sad again, but this time I don’t have my mom to talk too. 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Cheryl,

      My heart goes out to you for the loss of your Mum, please feel my love and condolences to you.

      Please, please know sweetheart that when the happens when we get triggered by a big trauma like this – it just means there is something else within us to find and release that has now been triggered.

      And of course, at a time like this you are going to be vulnerable and susceptible – please don’t be so hard on you. Honey, truly this is just about going back to the Modules, targeting what has come up that feels so hurt and clingy and releasing it and you will come back into even greater healing – in regard to him – than you were at previously.

      Please know Cheryl that even though this feels so awful, it is in perfect and divine order, and is perfectly created by your inner being so that you can go forward as your True Self into the next incredible chapter of your life. There are no mistakes here, and you have done nothing wrong sweetheart – there’s just more to heal.

      Be kind and loving to you and your inner child, she has just been through a lot – she needs your love and healing right now. Of course lovely lady the loss of your mum is going to feel terrible raw and bring up feelings of “need”. Turn inwards hun and be that loving Mum to your Inner Child who feels (understandably) lost right now.

      Mel xo

  • Getangelique@yahoo.com'
    Angelique Gettle
    March 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I’ve been no contact for six months. I, too, found covert, altruistic narcissist #2 at 45 yo. We met doing animal rights work and now he has smeared my reputation so much that I have chosen to stay away from doing any animal work. And I’ve been boycotted by them. I keep thinking about him trying to make myself mad at him for what he did. This is my life story and I’ve been picking these losers since I was early teens. Nothing has helped…no 12 step program (Al-Anon), yoga, church, therapy, meditation can take away my fierce obsession with these men. I’ve dodged any opportunities of being married, having children or at least having a healthy relationship. Help. Angelique

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Angelique,

      I cannot recommend enough connecting to my healing resources.

      Myself and many others also suffered “nothing working” regarding breaking painful relationship patterns until working with Quanta Freedom Healing.

      The starting point is here, and it’s free for you to check out lots!: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • mblocke66@gmail.com'
    MB
    March 13, 2018

    I’m so done with narc #2. He’s a covert. Thought he was a great guy after surviving narc #1 who was an overt. He has until May 1st to move out. Both of our counselors agree. I can’t wait to be free!!!

  • agie2311@gmail.com'
    Adrienne Oliver
    March 13, 2018

    My goodness I couldn’t have watched this at a better time! I’m in a place right now where my ex has for the most part stopped terrorizing me and only calls or txts once or twice a week about wanting to see his daughter and my response is the same “ no you may not see her.. you have shown no change in regard to being loving, consistent or responsible” ( I’ve stopped visitation between them because he refuses to do all the things a responsible parent should do and won’t allow my beautiful daughter to be hurt by him or think she’s not important) anyway lately I’ve been feeling lonely and overwhelmed and needing a break as well as daydreams about him and literally having cravings for him like in the past when craving heroin.. I can smell, taste and feel him.. The insane thought of “just one time in his arms isn’t gonna hurt anything. I’m stronger now and he can’t hurt me like he has done before” knowing damn well he absolutely can hurt me and as I’ve told him, he can hurt me more and in new ways I never thought possible. I needed this video so much because I’m in the process of getting clean off drugs again and the one thing holding me back is that my life is too much to handle without the help from heroin to numb me enough so I can deal with him and everything else in my life I have to take care of.. even my mother, who I feel has some major narcissist characteristics herself, who despises my ex has been saying “why not have —— have his daughter for the day so you can get stuff done or have time to relax?” I so badly needed this reminder that I need to get to work on myself and do all the stuff you teach here so that I can not only be sober from drugs but from that man and have the great life I only recently decided I deserve having. So again, thank you for all you do! You have given me hope that my life doesn’t have to be filled with pain and overall miserable!
    Lots of love,
    Adrienne

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Adrienne,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      Stay strong and I wish you the most powerful and incredible breakthrough for you and your daughter, as well as a life free of toxicity and filled with freedom.

      Mel xo

  • chen1shiu@yahoo.com'
    Shen
    March 13, 2018

    It took me a while to figure out that he was a covert narcissist, but once I did, months ago, of course my first thought was, oh, if only he would take me back I could manage him now that I understand what he is and the way he thinks.

    Doh! NOT!

    I am trying now to stay connected to the idea that that will never be possible, but I still allow myself to feel sad. He made me feel so good, and we had so much fun together, I wish it could always be like that, but it can’t. I have a great therapist who is helping me a lot, and one thing she did was tell me it is okay to have my thoughts and feelings, without piling on feelings of guilt about having those thoughts and feelings. Be they sadness, self-pity, nostalgia, thoughts of vengeance, etc. It is all part of the healing process to recognize that I have these, and that there are perfectly good reasons why I feel that way, and accept myself.

    I read something the other day on Quora about the mirroring that narcissists do to make you attracted to them, and how they even feed off of that themselves without ever realizing, because you have the things authentically that they want to have, so they mirror it to have it, and that’s how they take you in, because you feel like you’ve met your soul mate. And I put that together with something I realized when I saw him recently, and I finally got it.

    You see, we both work in an industry where I can not go no contact. Music.

    One of the things one cannot fake is musical ability, and he and I are actually matched there. We were deeply connected in an intimate way musically and the music we made together felt just as magical as the other feelings I felt for him, and probably him for me, when he was in the love-bombing stage.

    I realized last week at a show where we were both playing that I must have been overwhelmingly attractive to him when we first met. I had all the things a narcissist would want: around people I know I am quite extroverted, I have a love for making people laugh, I’m enthusiastic and outgoing, very friendly, and loving, and kind. And in the community where he met me, I have a lot of ardent fans. I am extremely accomplished at my instrument, so when I approached him about playing with me, he was so excited about it.

    And me.

    Every time we were together, he lit up like a Christmas tree, and I knew the first time I saw him I was attracted, so when he lied and told me that he had been unattached for over a year after separating from his wife of over thirty years, I thought he had done exactly the right thing, and was soon going to be ready for a new relationship.

    Then, when he starting doing things that weren’t right, I made every excuse for him and his behaviour. After all, who wouldn’t be confused, dating for the first time since he was in his early twenties. (WRONG! He already had a girlfriend… several other women on the periphery, but he was in a real relationship with someone long distance. (Long distance = easy to cheat on and will take longer to see his true nature))

    Anyway, unfortunately, not only can I not go no contact, but now I have to act (as he does) like nothing is wrong between us or I risk alienating people I need to keep in good with, people he is already working some triangulating crap on. People may decide to not hire me if they see that I cannot be in the same show or place with him, I can’t make it weird for other people. So, this latest time I saw him, I was VERY friendly, even a bit flirtatious at times, and let people think hey, maybe they’ll work together again, although it set me back a bit because I had SO much fun being with him and playing with him and laughing with him.

    But I do remember it is not genuine. It is a big act for me just like it is for him. Like dealing with a poisonous rattlesnake, you have to remember the sting isn’t on the end that rattles, it’s their fangs you have to steer clear of on the other end.

    SO in some ways I have to be LIKE a narcissist, seeing my own power of attraction (That is new for me, as I am usually pretty modest, and know all too well the things I don’t like about myself and fear other people knowing) and doing a great big act of MIRRORING HIS acting like everything is fine, like he didn’t lie to me, lie about me, manipulate me, gaslight me, triangulate, sabotage my career, cheat on me (actually he cheated on her with me, but I thought they had broken up and he was mine) ridicule me, deny all he did, refuse to take any responsibility for his actions, turn to stone whenever he hurt me, said cruel things, or stood me up, and showed NO EMPATHY, NO SYMPATHY, NO CARE AT ALL FOR ME OR MY FEELINGS OR MY NEEDS.

    Now I have to turn to stone and not care about his “feelings.”

    Anyway, one of the doubts I have had that put me in turmoil was that he discarded me, but never came back to hoover. Could it mean I am wrong, he isn’t a narcissist and we just had regular difficulties. (I know that isn’t true, but it is hard sometimes to self-validate with covert narcissists. right?) He stopped answering any calls, emails, or text about work entirely months ago (while telling people that wanted to hire us together that he’d LOVE to work with me but it was up to me…triangulating BS to put me in a difficult position with them.)

    Suddenly, today, after ignoring me, including NEVER posting anything on facebook that referred to me the whole time we knew each other (he claimed it was to spare his wife, but I imagine he tells all the girlfriends that so they don’t find out about each other) suddenly today he started liking every post and comment I made or shared, and commenting too.

    Now THAT scared me. I don’t want to have to fend off hoovering. Is this how it starts? This guy who can so perfectly act like everything I ever wanted, times a HUNDRED, someone who I was instantly, powerfully, physically attracted to, not because he is gorgeous, but just because he is EXACTLY my physical type… And I am a very physical and sexual person, and I miss having the incredible sex we had, I can’t STAND not having a sexual partner, but I am not yet ready or able to be attracted to someone else and be in love yet, and I need to be in love to share myself sexually… Now I may have to face being hoovered by him?

    At least that will prove that he IS following the cycle of lovebomb, devalue, discard.

    Advice?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Shen,

      what you are dealing with is difficult because you cant go No Contact due to your industry.

      There are two main ways that people try to de-tox from N’s – the first is know everything about the N that they possibly can to divert, avoid, stay a step in front of and stay safe from – logically trying to detach / manage / exist with and get well … or 2) do the deep inner work on the binds and ties – the attraction, connection and inner childhood wounds that represent what the narcissist brings to the table in order to release all of the connection, power and hold the narcissist has over us.

      Narcissistic love is not real love – regardless of the sexual chemistry – it is trauma bonding that keeps us attracted and connected despite the horrible things these people have done to us – and we don’t recover from that “logically” – we only recover from that by doing the deep inner work in our inner identity on our own unfinished wounds that came from not having our needs met healthily when we were growing up – these are the wounds that the narcisist replays to us – the promse of meeting our emotional love needs, and then delivering a greater instensity of the feelings we suffered as children when we were not valued, supported, dedicated to or cherished healthily.

      My only suggestion to you is to drop all “trying to work him out” because you never will – N or non-N – we actually never know what someone else’s “game” is – only they do. What is only ever important is your game – your development of unhealed traumas, the anchoring into and generation of your rights, needs and truth – regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.

      If you make it ALL about you – you will stop handing power over by making it about him – and I promise you whether he is in your industry or not – he will cease to exist as “the tantalising narcissist” he will simply become a person like anyone else – and certainly not any part of your reality as far as a potential love partner goes – because your Inner Identity will no longer have any need for him to replay you wounds or bring them to your attention to heal them.

      That is when you will know you are healed and free of this.

      I hope that makes sense – the inner work is EVERYTHING to get free Shen.

      Mel xo

  • marialenablu@gmail.com'
    Alena
    March 14, 2018

    Thank you for all you do! Which module do you suggest for addictions….starvation patterns as coping tool? I’ve come along way but still have fears. Your program has helped me soon much! I would probly be dead if it weren’t for you😘

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Alena,

      Mod 1 or Goal Setting is my highest suggestion!

      Keep going you are doing great 🙂

      So many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    March 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    It’s been over a year of no contact. Sometimes this silly thing comes into my mind. The n lives in the same city, but not very near. What happens if I some day see him accidentally, unexpectedly in a super market or something like that? What should I do? Should I just say hi and be polite, or hide behind the shelves? Hmm, does not make me feel myself very mature or adult woman, if I need to hide anyone behind the shelves…I am not scared of him, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do.

    I’m always polite and friendly, but why should I be like that towards a person who at the end of the relationship used very rude language and intentionally caused me pain? And probably enjoyed it. That is sick!!

    Just last week a saw a man in super market who looked like him, a lot. Similar body type, age, face…It caused me a lot of feelings…erotic, trip down to a memory lane, sadness, missing, uff, many feelings at all once. That man was probably wondering why I am staring at him 😀 I just got momentarily “frozen”. I feel like I’ve become a “Pavlov’s dog” you know…whatever little clue, that my brain associates with the n, causes me some sort or reaction. Because that’s what the n used to cause me, profoundly positive and negative feelings. In the super market, I was actually able to do some “self soothing”, I said to myself (in my mind), “you do not need to focus on him. You can think about anything else, like horses, or work.” It actually worked, I’m proud of myself! (yes, I’ve already done a lot of energy healing to release the trauma!). I think my poor brain just needs a little bit re-training 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 14, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      I believe if we touch position we can get poisoned.

      My thing with N exes is No Contact – no hello, no acknowledging – just “not my reality”. I couldn’t care less if they think it is not mature – am only interested in being the loving guardian of my Inner Being.

      Keep releasing trauma until there is no triggering, remembering, longing. I promise you that is so possible – seeing someone who reminds you without any body reaction.

      Our brain re-trains when there is no more trauma in our body The brain follows the body – always.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        March 15, 2018

        Thank you Melanie, very good points! You always give me something new (and better) to think about! Aww, where would I be without you…probably in super market behaving in some unhealthy ways 😀
        The n ex is metaphorically speaking something like being an ex alcoholic (well, I have not been). I can’t drink any glass (or drop) or there’s a risk to relapse again! I can already imagine how the story would go…I’d meet him, say hi, he would be nice if he would be having one of his “normality days”, then I might invite him to coffee in my home, from kitchen we could easily end up in bedroom…No, no, that can’t happen! Then afterwards he would become weird, disconnected or distanced again and most likely give me some 7 months silent treatment. It’s really like thanks, but no thanks!
        So no contact is surely the best action plan! If I need to hide somewhere, I’ll do it 🙂 It’s sort of sad to talk all this. When I was in love, we were sitting on the sofa, my head resting in his shoulder, I thought the feeling and the union was so strong, that it could never end, I could never have believed this day like today would come where I am writing about him this way. This was supposed to be my “one and only”, not someone that should be avoided like plague! Of course all this has been shocking. I think break up is always hard, but with a n it is extra hard, traumatic and disappointing, there’s so many of these “shock effects” and plain bizarre weirdness, unanswered questions 🙁

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 15, 2018

          Hi Anna,

          yes – being hungry in supermarkets is never a great option!

          It truly is the hardest thing we can imagine -and please know the connection is SO STRONG because they represent our already existing unhealed wounds – and the promise of soothing them this time – the original hurtful person (this time) getting it right.

          Once we heal that within ourselves, I promise you Anna with all my heart you will feel ZERO attraction, connection or missing him.

          The healing lesson will be delivered and done.

          It’s the only way – when it’s like this – as well as the GREATEST gift.

          Take it, sweetheart.

          Mel xo

  • jehalinmom@gmail.com'
    TaL
    March 14, 2018

    The narc and I use to smoke together then out of the blue something shifted in me it felt like Inner angel, and I quit…. he was telling me that he seen me smoke with other men, he always project things on me like a friend giving me a hug and he will say he seen the guy kiss me on the lips. he was envious at my will power since it was stronger then his. and resented me for it. when I stopped smoking my addiction to him diminished and he left me just before xmiss, to go into desolation in the desert to find himself and deal with his internal emotions, “to return a better men for me”. Its during this time I found you Mel I decided to practice no contact, he was sending me massages about how I’m his favorite person and he is happy with me most of the time. then I found out on facebook that he was trying to get a cat sitting position(he told me he was allergic to cats) at a woman who is 16 years younger then him. he triangulated me with her before, (made sure I knew that he had a crush on her before he met me) this is one of my triggers. my mom would put me in middle of fight with my narcissistic dad and beg him to stay, but he would leave, I wasn’t good enough to keep him from leaving .and I was always feel like my mate has another sole mate and Im stuck the middle between the forces disturbing a true union.

  • 2111igraine@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 15, 2018

    Hello…. I had the time to watch the video today… I paused it to share my feelings right now. I have broken contact a few days ago-couldn’t stand the pain. Guess… a couple of days of sheer bliss and of course the demeaning comments and emotional abuse started all over again . I am in terrible pain right now. I feel like a shadow of the woman I used to be, totally controlled by this person who every day makes it moe and more obvious that he does not care at all about the pain he inflicts. I think I have the courage to watch your video and I will share my views when I finish it.

  • 2111igraine@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 15, 2018

    Your video was a true inspiration and I want to thank you so much for sharing your experience- it made me feel better about the intense shame I felt when I broke no contact. My narc’s reactions were the same – his way or the highway. And yes, my beliefs that I cannot go through this life without him,are still screaming at my face. You’ve given me a lot of hope to try again and continue my journey of healing from where I stopped. I am grateful to you.

  • w.andreass@hotmail.com'
    Wenche
    March 15, 2018

    Thank you so much Mel for being vulnerable and open about what you have gone through. It is just about unreal to hear your story,but unfortunately there are people like that out there and it is so easy to get hooked. Keep up the great work you are doing for so many people!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 15, 2018

      Hi Wenche,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I sure will – I am so blessed to.

      Much love to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • taostinworks@gmail.com'
    Marion Moore
    March 16, 2018

    Dear Melanie- thank you so very much for all you have been teaching me. After several (3) rounds breaking up, establishing no contact, only to have the narc hoover me back in, and go through the dreadful process all over again, I have been finding myself and my peace once again, with much credit to you, for which I am most grateful. Although I still have much more healing to experience, I have been able to maintain no contact with Mr. Narc for about 4 months, and had been feeling more free from the devestating dysfunction for a couple of wonderful weeks until…

    Mr. Narc left a note on my (business) door demanding $1,000 because oh blah blah blah. That was two weeks ago, and I decided to ignore it and him for the time being, but if there were more, I would take action. I even left the envelope stuck in the door jamb where he had put it, as if to say “you and your actions are invisible to me.” I absolutly want to maintain no contact. He lives right down the road from my business- it is horrible. Today I had word from our local News Paper that he sent a demand letter (smear campaign) regarding me to them also. This news caused me to turn into a trembling mess, paralyzed with fear. I called the sheriff, who came to talk with me about how to protect myself and to stop the harassment. The Sheriff is going to give Mr. Narc a warning, but he also repeatedly and strongly encouraged me to apply for a restraining order, and to do it right away. He was even questioning me as to why I didn’t call them when the first letter was left, 2 weeks ago, insinuating that I am playing some sort of game, since I had previously let this man back into my life after breaking up with him. Whatever.

    I am conflicted about proceding with a restraining order. By doing it, am I breaking no contact? Am I giving him attention? Is this making a mountain out of a mole hill? The purpose is to protect me from his predatory behavior, harassment and stalking; I know I deserve to feel safe- and I NEED to BE safe. He is not so much a physical threat to me as he is psychologically and emotionally poisionous. I really hope you can help me to achieve some clarity on this. Thank you so much.
    Marion

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 19, 2018

      Hi Marion,

      that is so good that you are getting stronger and clearer.

      Now the next step is truly to release the triggers inside you so that you totally evolve beyond them, that is when he will lose all power.

      Are you working with NARP – it is the answer if you aren’t yet – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      That is how we all got past the smearing / attacks in incredible ways.

      Yes intervention orders are great – and it’s really helpful when we put them on if we are solid and determined within without fear.

      As you know Marion, I am such a fan of the inner work – because what the N does is always about showing us ‘what we need to clean up’ (that’s the gift) – and fears of persecution are massive for most of us. If you heal beyond this truly that pattern can be finished in your life – in your future … but that only happens when we take the gift and heal what we need to.

      I hope that makes sense 🙂 NARP achieves that for us.

      Mel xo

  • mike@getwellindy.com'
    Michael Fischer
    March 17, 2018

    Stunning and inspiring. Thank You Melanie. I am on NARP silver and making some progress.

  • bevjohnson33@hotmail.co.uk'
    Bev
    March 17, 2018

    Hi everyone,

    Having been through numerous hoovers and narc bshit I have discovered that one thing that makes it easier to go no contact is to have the last thing you said to the narc a kind peaceful remark. Numberous times a conversation between us ended on a horrible note. These leaves you feeling that the conversation is not finished and contact is very tempting. Even if the conversation has been disgraceful and cruel, for yourself and your own good, try to end it on something like ‘ well despite it all I wish you well and hope you are happy in the future’.

    If you leave at that point you have the high ground, the feeling is just overall better and no contact is easier because its not left in a nasty way or on a cliffhanger. Thats my experience anyway. Oh and never say, text or email anything horrible in the morning. It sets up for a crappy day. Dont do it at all but if you must then later is better so you dont have the whole day with the nasty after-effects.

    Much love

    Bev

  • wateremelon@gmail.com'
    WM
    March 17, 2018

    When you’re ready, you’re ready. I have been in two situations in my life where I was totally stuck.

    1) Smoking. I started at 14 and quit at 37. I needed an incentive, and that incentive was my young kids. Once I had that, it was simple. I kept busy and any time I felt weak, I reminded myself that I wanted to be around to watch my kids marry…and they were more important than smoking.

    2) The dodgy ex (not a narc). I just learned it was him, not me. I could grow my hair, cut my hair, gain weight, lose weight, cook better, make the bed better, show him more attention, show him less attention…it would never be enough. He needed me downtrodden (ironically, I have a boss like that now, massive PITA he is).

    Still struggle with the narc, miss the good times, but any time I am tempted to contact him, I remind myself of the massive hangover I’ll feel afterward. You know when you get past 30 and the hangover is worse than the fun night you had? So as much as I want to (and I really do), I just can’t deal with the horrendous hangover afterward.

  • melissasvensen@gmail.com'
    Melissa
    March 19, 2018

    I haven’t left for good yet. I almost did. Moved out after he abused me on the honeymoon 8 months ago. We no longer live together but still together. This past weekend we went on vacation, I got the stomach flu. He walked past me to go pee while I was puking in the middle of the night and told me sorry hes to hungover to help and went back to bed. No offer to get me a pillow or water, nothing. Left me on the cold tile floor puking all night without offering to help. Then, next morning I brought up what he said and how it hurt me. He told me I was delusional and he never said that to me. My world is shattered again and I realize once again what I am dealing with here. He actually is totally denying he said he would not help. I have been staying away from him and limited talking since we got back but he doesnt know why, I know there is no point in trying to get him to see when he wont even admit to it. I want to leave.. but I need to know I can make it financially on my own with my kids. I got the modules 8 months ago but find them to long. Between working and kids and chronic fatigue I am finding time hard. I feel its going to be time again. to go. Why is is so painful when he doesn’t even provide for my needs or wants or emotional intimacy?

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 22, 2018

    This story is the story of many women. They all need to learn the tools and live a better life. Thank you, Melanie!

  • Sue.j744@gmail.com'
    Sue
    April 1, 2018

    Hi Mel, I have been no contact for sometime, I think over 6mths and I know it’s a good thing I cannot recall the date. This weekend has been significant as it’s 12mths and I decided I needed to do a clean up of old photos. I thought I had already got rid of any to do with him but found more so that set me back a bit again as I started this Easter weekend feeling down but turned it around to it being the anniversary (well it’s not the real date as Easter changes dates but Good Friday was the day I made the decision to end it so now I have a double reminder) of the day I took my life back and how good it is to not be dealing with all the fear n sickness I always felt.
    I am hoping you can give me some advice as I also found a certificate etc of his that I knows means a lot to him and I cannot throw it away as that is not the person I am even after how much he destroyed me. My problem is I don’t want to make contact even in the form of posting to him, I don’t want to risk him replying or worse still him thinking I have been thinking about him over this significant weekend. I thought about posting it with a note saying ‘no response required or wanted’ but still feel I am in someway making contact again.
    Any advice?
    Thanks
    Sue

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2018

      Hi Sue,

      Yes this is tricky because I understand that you dont want to open up the possibility of him contacting again, especially after feeling a little vulnerable.

      I think it’s important to move it out of your space … and it really can’t be that important to him or he would have asked for it. I don’t think there is any need to send it back now.

      Can you put it away somewhere or even with a friend in storage till either you feel strong enough to send it back or he asks for it?

      Out of sight out of mind would be healthier for you.

      Mel xo

      • Sue.j744@gmail.com'
        Sue
        April 1, 2018

        Thank you Mel that sounds perfect!! I really appreciate your thoughtful advice. I am going to put it away now and if he ever asks for then it’s there as you say. Thank you and please keep doing what you’re doing, your help has been priceless 🙂

  • Lianewarbutton@hotmail.com'
    Liane
    April 5, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    I managed to do 2 months no contact (which is a big deal for me). I was then triggered as a work colleague told me they had seen a picture of the narcissist with another women. I ended up calling the narcissist to find out if this was his girlfriend. As soon as I did this I felt sick and my heart was beating so fast.

    This was 2 weeks ago and the narcissist has gotten under my skin again. Making false promises and pulling the rug from underneath me again.

    He had great pleasure in telling me his new friend has been helping him and performing kinesiology on him (although he is exactly the same). And that he’d been for a coffee with his ex girlfriend.

    I have been working the modules but now I feel like I’m back to square one as I slipped up.

    I think I was triggered because I thought I had been replaced.

    Do you have any advice? Also can the narcissist change through kinesiology etc or is this just an act?

    Thanks,

    Liane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2018

      Hi Liane,

      oh Dear Lady, I know this one so well, it used to snag me terribly too – that terrible trigger of being abandoned/replaced…

      Please, please know what is important right now is using NARP to go to that trigger to heal it, so that your decisions are coming from an adult healed center, rather than the little girl center that we get thrown into at times like this with narcissists.

      I promise you that you are not at square one – which you clear this wound you will be better and healthier than you were before it. This one came up for you because it needs to go!

      Liane, if he is an N – which you believe in your heart he is (I believe) then no the ‘kinesiology’ is not a solution. As you said he has already reeled you in and then pulled the rug out. In other words turned you wounds back on you to hurt you … again.

      This may help Liane: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/

      Sending hugs and strength to you.

      Mel xo

  • Bri9227@yahoo.com'
    Brittany
    April 25, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Are you in a healthy relationship now? I have done a ton of inner healing work: NARP, therapy, yoga, Reiki, church. And I was doing great! Then I broke no contact out of the blue. So I am not sure if it’s truly possible to ever be in a loving, healthy relationship.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 25, 2018

      Hi Brittany,

      Yes I am with a wonderful man, for almost 2 years now, who bears no resemblance to the relationship patterns of my past.

      Please know sweetheart in my recovery I broke no contact many times myself. So many of us have even, like yourself, after great lengths of time. This is just showing you the next would to heal … that inner urge that caused you to.

      When you heal that you will be even more solid, self loving and closer to your relationship goal.

      You’ve got this Brittany. You haven’t failed and please reach out for support in the NARP Forum when needed https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • simoneshah@gmail.com'
    Simone
    May 5, 2018

    Hi Melanie – I think I would have an easier time to hold no contact, but he is the father of my two children who he hasn’t seen in almost a year and I still withhold hope. It seems like he wants to see ME with the kids and not just the kids.

    I start to feel like if I don’t play by his rules, the kids won’t have a dad.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 5, 2018

      Hi Simone,

      I totally understand your feelings about this … yet truly the most important thing for your children is to not see their mother being manipulated, abused or handing over power.

      That is much more damaging than them not having a relationship with their father.

      This may help you understand healthy Co parenting for you and your children:

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1FEY5jkpCQo

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Bonniebheikkila@aol.com'
    Bonnie
    July 10, 2018

    Hi Melanie, I want to say Thank You! It has been one year no contact for me and I almost broke it today. Thanks to your post I will not.
    You see the narcissist in my life works,at the same place as I do only after the break up of me discarding him and a whole lot of him stalking, gas lighting and so much more… he went to another shift to punish me. I have managed not to see him until we had to work overtime the past 3 weeks. There he was. Looking skinny and worn. Lonely. I walked on by but he waited and watched me the first time. Tbe next week I had to do it again. This time he crosses my path wearing my favorite clothes, coming to the steps at the same time. Waiting in the breakroom. I did not speak nor did I look. I walked outside to where my friends,were. He came outside and I went in to work. Yesterday again…there he was
    . I never ask anyone about him in the past year tho we have mutual friends. The way he looked bothered me, I began to wonder did he have cancer again so I ask my friend did he see the weight loss and such. He said he did and that he was withdrawn from everyone. He had said he recently lost someone. Wondering who it was I ask my daughter to look at his profile as he is blocked on mine. It was his 26 year old sister. It was like a stab for me as he lost a father at a young age, a mom and held his sister as she passed from cancer in his arms. I remember him telling me he wanted to end his life then . I am an empathetic person so the heart ache began.
    I know as he watched me during these chance meetings he wanted to speak to me but I know some of the things you said to be true. He would only want me to come back and on his terms. His rage would grow even more towards me once again with the recent loss of his sister and one day I would end up leaving him…unable to deal with his temper. The last time I felt he would be hitting me next. This time I would never return from it.
    I myself know the pain of losing what you love most in life. You see my husband of 33 years died of cancer 16 months prior to meeting the narc. My husband was tbe love of my life and the narc only the second man ever in my life as I married my husbsnd out of highschool. The psin of losing what you love most is still very fresh in my mind. I began to feel just as you stated..maybe he changed…maybe her death would make him value life and LOVE. But deep down I had to ask myself …how on earth could I ever fall asleep next to him and not wonder if he would just try to kill me or hurt me in A rage? How can I trust him ever again? I remember one of his raging arguments and my left arm going numb..me telling him to stop with the yelling as I thought I was having a heart attack and him telling me to get my things and get the heck out..I wasnt dieing in his house. And I had to drive home like that. The next day him acting as if nothing happened..no sorry even.
    The answer is very simple…I can’t. So why on earth should I extend my heart to someone again just because he is hurting? Is he even capable of hurting for his loss or is this a plot to gain attention? Cruel to say but if you know a narc you know exactly what I mean.
    I have more value to my children and grand children, I am proud of who I am. I survived my worst fear…losing my husband and carrying on by myself for 3 years. I will continue on Melanie, even if it means living alone. I Will not contact him or unblock him….that is what he is waiting for. In doing research on who had passed away I saw his ex wife he use to hold over my head and he thought he could run back an forth to..she remarried so now he really has no one. And Thanks to you….he will never have me under his thumb anymore. May God Bless your days Melanie. You were my voice of reason and I believe God allowed me to see your post today…at just the right time! I am not looking back…Im looking ahead because I know the only help he needs…has to come from God. I will pray for him…but that is all.

  • Bethstevenson888@gmail.com'
    Beth
    August 27, 2018

    Hi Melanie.

    I was involved with a narc for 7 months. He discarded me beginning of may and finally i went no contact just over 2 months ago. In those 7 months, we got engaged after a month then broke up with me 4 times after that to go back to his ex girlfriend. Every time I took him back. His daughter committed suicide in his house in Feb this year and we got back together shortly after that. I saw him through his depression and grief, closed my business for him as he asked me to be there for him 24/7. He said i didn’t have to work as he would provide for me and my 10 year old daughter. Rented out his house for him and found one for him to rent. Helped him move etc etc. I’m sure you get the picture. Through all of this he started the devaluation phase, started telling me I was an empty shell with no purpose in life and I need to get a job as he lost respect for me as I was unemployed. I was going through a lot of challenges, had no income, had to move out of my friends flat i was renting and had no where to go. All he said was ‘something will come up’. I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts and ended up in a psychologists office all because of him. There were days where I couldn’t even get out of bed- and that was when we were still together! Since going no contact he has replaced me with a very beautiful older woman – his age- hair extensions, has had a boob job(which he wanted me to have done), and is a psychologist and therefore financially stable – everything I am not. We go to the same gym which he makes a point of being on display with her when I go. I took 3 weeks off going there to help me heal, as it was too painful to see him. When I got back, he was flaunting her around in front of me. He’s moved on so quickly and I am still reeling from the shock and pain of it all. I don’t want him back, he lied too many times and emotionally, mentally, financially and psychologically depleted and broke me. I still feel that I wasn’t enough, that the standards he set were so high for me. I’m not a materialistic person, I don’t do fake or superficial. I cry because of the person I was before I met him, that I am no longer. He took everything from me, turned me into an insecure, needy, empty shell of a person. I am finishing my gym instructors course next month as it’s one of the dreams I want to fulfill. Now I started smoking which I gave up 5 years ago, but am off my antidepressants now. I hate the person I have become. I was so full of life and happy and content. Then he came and destroyed everything. Why would someone do that??? And to top it all off, I was the one who stood by him after his daughter’s death, saw to his every need – and all I get now is him intentionally hurting me over again by showing off this new supply at the gym. Why would he turn the knife after knowing how much he meant to me and all the intimate conversations we had? I look at the new supply and she is everything I am not. She’s so together and stable in every way. They go out on weekends which he would never ever do with me. He was too depressed and only had energy to go to the gym where we worked out together. Apparently he’s moved in with her. She is now living the life he promised me. Dammit it hurts so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 27, 2018

      Hi Beth,

      I hear you Dear Lady. What you have been through is beyond terrible.

      Please know I understand, as so many of us do. I too had everything and was ‘destroyed’ whilst he moved on immediately.

      The answer sweetheart is the deep inner healing of ourselves it is the only way to emerge from this.

      I’d love to help hold your hand to connect to the healing and love of this community.

      http://www.nelanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you healing, strength and support.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Bethstevenson888@gmail.com'
        Beth
        August 27, 2018

        Dearest Mel

        Thank you so much for your reply. So comforting to know that I’m not in this alone, although sometimes it feels like I am. Reading other peoples stories helps tremendously. There is finally hope that I can recover from this ordeal.
        I have registered for your workshop this week and can’t wait to start my journey to health and complete recovery.

        Sending you lots of love x

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 28, 2018

          Hi Beth,

          Please know you are so welcome and I am so happy for you that you are ready to heal!

          Blessings to you Dear Lady.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Bethstevenson888@gmail.com'
    Beth
    August 27, 2018

    Dearest Mel

    Thank you so much for your reply. So comforting to know that I’m not in this alone, although sometimes it feels like I am. Reading other peoples stories helps tremendously. There is finally hope that I can recover from this ordeal.
    I have registered for your workshop this week and can’t wait to start my journey to health and complete recovery.

    Sending you lots of love x

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