Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Learning Everything About Narcissism Is Not The Answer

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Many people who have suffered narcissistic abuse fall into the trap of Focusing ALL (or almost all) of their attention on learning about narcissism. This includes learning about how a narcissist thinks, how they tick, how they use techniques such as manipulation and gaslighting, and learning the red flags and warning signs.

Logically, this may seem like a sound plan. “If I can learn all there is to know about narcissism I won’t fall into the trap of falling for another one.”

Today I want to talk to you about this common mistake and why it does little to help people wishing to recover avoid a future narcissistic relationship and move forward in their recovery, when they do not have the vital focus on healing themselves.

I am going to share a story about a client of mine named Mary to explain why this is, and teach you about a rule I call “The 90/10 rule” which if applied will make drastic improvement and speed up your recovery process more than you could imagine.

 

Mary’s Story

Mary had been in a relationship with a narcissist, and like so many was severely abused. After being devalued and discarded she remained strong and was able to hold “No Contact.”

She knew that she had to stay away in order to have any chance of creating a happy and peaceful narcissistic free life.

Mary became very interested in understanding all there was to know about “how” narcissists tick. She spent hours researching narcissism, and she spent a lot of time on narcissistic abuse forums learning about gaslighting, modes of manipulation, how the narcissist really thinks and the reasons why the narcissist devalued and discarded her, and why he moved on to another source of narcissistic supply.

Mary expanded her information journey into learning all she could about the warning signs of narcissists, and how to identify a narcissist in the future.

On the surface it would seem like Mary had a powerful and solid base to never experience narcissistic abuse again.

Mary was an intelligent, capable and attractive lady. She had always experienced men admiring her. After feeling confident that she knew all she could and did about narcissists, Mary started accepting dates.

There was one particular man she was attracted to. He seemed like a nice guy, he had good credentials and he was very attentive and loving towards her.

Before long Mary started a relationship with him, and was amazed how she could again feel “in love.” She was very happy.

Two months into the relationship she arrived at David’s house and his energy seemed “off” … She asked what was wrong, and he stated “nothing,” but she could definitely feel there was “something.”

His “strange” mood continued. Later in the evening David asked her something cryptic, “Why is it that when your children are around, it is like I don’t exist?”

This felt weird to Mary and incredibly non-factual – she stated that he certainly did exist to her. She also justified her attention to her children.

From that night onwards Mary found herself regularly justifying her actions in regard to the accusations he made about her time with her friends, family and interests.

Then David’s accusations escalated into her granting attention to other men.

Twelve months into the relationship Mary had lost her confidence, self-esteem and was at rock bottom. She painfully extracted herself from the relationship and realised that again she had been in a relationship with a narcissist.

What went wrong?

 

Our Life Does Not Play Out in Accordance With the Mind

Mary had not realised it is not her mind that dictates or even creates her destiny.

She had not understood that her life was playing out in accordance to something much deeper and more powerful than her mind.

Mary was yet to understand it was her unhealed inner self – her Inner Identity – which was running her life.

When Mary first contacted me, she exclaimed, “How could this happen to me? I knew all the warning signs!”

I explained this ….

“Mary your mind has flaws, all of our minds do! Our minds can be full of stories, excuses, justifications and rationalisations that take us away from our truth, regardless of what we THINK we know.”

Then I asked her, “When David started making accusations regarding your time spent with your children or other people, and other men – what did you think about this?”

She said, “I believed it would stop. I believed it would get better. I believed if I could just help him feel secure – so many other things about our relationship were SO good – it would be fine.”

I replied, “But it wasn’t improving. It got worse.”

She said, “I know, but I didn’t want to let go until there was no choice other than to have to get out.”

I continued, “You knew from your previous research and understanding about narcissists that what he was doing was a definitive warning sign?”

She said, “Yes I did. My last narcissist was also possessive, insecure, controlling and paranoid. It was the same stuff, I should have known better.”

I replied, “You thought ‘better’ – but you didn’t know better.”

She asked, “What do you MEAN by that?”

 

The Difference Between Thinking and Knowing

I explained to Mary that thinking we know “what to look out for” is not the complete answer.

All of us have unhealed parts, we have Inner Identity associations to “love and relationships” that are our already formed belief systems established in our past and seeded deep within our subconscious.

Whatever your belief systems are, is exactly what you will continually seek out in regard to love and relationships.

Think of it as this – it’s like getting into a car that is pre-programmed to arrive at a destination. It is already “locked into where it is going.” It will make all the choices to arrive at the destination.

This pre-programmed car is your Inner Identity Program.

If we have the Inner Identity Programs of “Love and relationships equals abuse” ”Love and relationships have hurt me and I am still feeling the pain of abuse” “My parents and / or love partners abused me and I am still carrying the pain of the abuse” ”I suffered abuse through love and relationships and I fear the pain of abuse happening again” … (and many more), then your Inner Identity program will do everything it can to realise these beliefs as reality.

Your mind is not the tool which can disable the Inner Identity programs, and take control of the wheel and start steering.

Your mind is actually working FOR the Inner Identity program; it is controlled by it.

This is why we look back and shake our head, and state, “I should have known better”….

We thought better – and believed that would safeguard us – but we did NOT know better … we had tried to address the pain and the patterns in our life from a logical level rather than working on the painful abuse programs that were running our life at the Inner Identity level.

We didn’t know that our “logic” was always going to default to being in alignment with the direction that our Inner Identity program was taking us.

The mind always finds a way to come up with excuses, rationalisations and justifications – all of the “reasons” to keep playing out the existing program. Our mind is an expert at doing this.

 

Why Mary Had Not Found the Answer

Mary had been looking at her life from a surface level – which is, “I was narcissistically abused, and if I know how to avoid a narcissist in the future I will be safe.”

She had not gone deeper, she had not done the work to heal deep within herself.

From operating at the surface level of, “I will learn all I can about avoiding narcissists” without addressing the Inner Identity programs of abuse, there are only four outcomes anyone can really achieve.

1) Holding on to the fear of being abused again, which means staying single for extended periods of time (no eligible people turning up), and / or believing “my bar is too high” to allow anyone in.

2) The attraction of an abusive person who is quickly dismissed due to the warning signs (without connecting to this person) and still feeling unfulfilled, disappointed and “unsafe” as a result of attracting abusive people.

3) The attraction to an abusive person, followed by the mind creating stories, justifications and excuses that allows the abuse to continue until the abuse reaches a climax that cannot be ignored. By this time the emotions and sense of self is decimated and results in the recoverer being back at square one.

4) The attraction and possible connection to a non-abusive person, which will be dismissed (I’m not attracted to this person), or sabotaged by projecting the fear of abuse on to this person.

Mary’s Inner Identity tracking device, as we know, led her to option 3.

I work with many people who fit all of these categories regularly.

The truth is, if we have experienced unfulfilling or hurtful relationships in our lives, there are unhealed parts within our Inner Identity that require attention – especially if we have suffered pain and abuse.

Fortunately Mary, by the time her and I connected, had had enough ….

She wanted desperately to find a way out of her pain and the love patterns that weren’t serving her. At 43 years of age Mary didn’t want to ever have to go through a narcissistic relationship again. She didn’t want to be alone for the rest of her life, and she wanted to find an authentic, honest and real love partner before it was too late.

She realised the damage that it was not just doing to herself, but to her two children as well.

Through working on her Inner Identity with the Quanta Freedom Healing Modules in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and with my guidance, Mary discovered, released and healed many Inner Identity programs that had been steering her in the direction of more pain, abuse and unhappiness for a great part of her life.

Some of these included:

1) Her mother had always been in relationships with men who were “demanding,” and her mother had foregone her own interests to be available to men’s demands constantly.

2) In order for Mary to feel loved by her father, she tried to win approval by granting him attention and being “worthy” in his eyes.

3) Mary had believed that intense attention, and even control, were displays of “love” from men. (Even though she found control, jealousies and insecurities unbearable and painful.)

4) Mary had grave fears of not being “good enough,” and believed that if she focused more on, and was able to be “herself,” she would be abandoned by others, because she needed to earn love.

These are only some of the Inner Identity Programs that Mary was running that against all logic could only deliver her into the arms of men who would play out these painful beliefs with her.

Additionally Mary was still carrying the pain – not just from the previous narcissistic relationship – but also from her husband and her father.

As far as Mary’s Inner Identity Programs were concerned – love equals abuse and pain.

Fortunately Mary “got it.”

She realised the answers and true solution were not about learning all she could about narcissists – it was about healing these unhealed parts that were attracting and allowing the abuse and pain into her life.

 

The 90/10 Rule

If you are someone who has made the mistake of spending too much time researching about narcissism, I have good news. If you can make this vital change, and apply this rule, it will make a drastic impact on your recovery and your ability to create new Inner Identity Programs that direct you toward authenticity, love, freedom, happiness and abundance.

What is the 90/10 rule?

90% of your energy needs to be committed and focused on healing your unhealed parts and working on yourself – and 10% (which can then get less and less and truly non-existent) can be allotted to researching about narcissism.

Please note that 10% is the maximum time to spend researching narcissism, not the minimum. If you are satisfied with your knowledge of NPD it can be less (even 0%).

By making this change you will start putting in the necessary work on yourself. This is when the true healing begins.

It is very true narcissists exist in the world, as do wonderful people.

The real questions is not, “Who are they?” …. The real question is, “Who are you?”

What this means is not the logical answer – “I am a person who knows how to avoid and not get taken by a narcissist” ….

Your answer needs to be – “I am a person who does not have an Inner Identity which matches narcissism or abuse.”

That is your true and only real solution.

I promise you as soon as I read a blog post, facebook thread or email about “the narcissist,” I know that the Inner Identity is still locked onto abuse, the pain is still continuing and the inner unhealed programs are not being addressed.

These are the same people who I see weeks, months and even years later, still struggling and who have not broken free into incredible lives.

And these are the people who email me like Mary did with, “Why did this happen to me again?  I knew all the warning signs!”

The people who I see make the second choice, create the exact opposite, and very soon within sometimes weeks or months, are happier, more confident and fulfilled than they ever were even before being narcissistically abuse.

They have finally put their attention and effort into healing what their Inner Identity always needed, rather than just believing “their mind” could create the answer and change.

To change your life you need to change you.

Ask yourself:

“Am I going to make it about them and try to achieve my results logically?,” or

“Am I going to make it all about me, and achieve my results from the inside out?”

I would love to hear your answers in the comments below.

 

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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128 Thoughts on Why Learning Everything About Narcissism Is Not The Answer
  • katrynnaa@gmail.com'
    KP
    November 21, 2012

    Thank you for this blog. My issue, however, is taking the step to leave. I completely agree that the mind does not rule. I have tried to leave several times now and i back out every time, even practically beg to continue rather than following thru on ending things. I do not understand my actions and have spent alot of time researching, trying to come to some intellectual understanding about why i cannot disconnect/detach. Even understanding intellectually has not helped. Knowing that i need to do this and how imperative it is has not helped. No contact is impossible unless i leave (or in my case, make him leave since i own) and trying modified no contact is also impossible since it increases my anxiety with him in the house.
    I have Quantum Healing program now and my newest strategy is to go thru the program and hope that it helps progress me to a point where i can detach. I can then continue to use it to further ‘heal’. I am hoping this works. Thanks again for your articles and resources.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi KP,

      thank you for your post.

      I hope this article has allowed you to understand that the ‘reasons’ do require a deeper journey of self.

      That is wonderful that you have NARP, because it does grant you the deep inner processes to heal in order to be empowered in this.

      Please also know that you do have my support and you can contact me with help as you shift using NARP.

      Mel xo

    • a.beautiful.day55@gmail.com'
      AR
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Mel,
      It’s only been a few weeks since I was thrown out of my N’s house a day after the storm on the east coast. Never explained, called me names and told me to get my stuff or he would throw it in the dumpster! There is no point in explaining the craziness that went on for a year and 2 months, including being on dating sites,lies etc…the usual N’s behavior. I have been devouring everything you’ve written. It has kept me from going off the deep end from pain. I am vascilating back and forth between being so angry (at him and myself), and the enourmous sadness. I know, I know. I understand my part in all of it. I weight 100 lbs right now, I’m 5’7. I look like hell, no self esteem left. I’ve pretty much hit bottom.
      I was physically and verbally abused by my father for the first 18 years of my life, but expected to be perfect. There is alot more too. I have had much therapy and have done an enourmous amount of greiving, and work, but it doesn’t seem to help. It’s a bottomless pit. I have been in a number of bad relationships with N’s over the years.
      I was married for 20 years. My husband was terribly ill from cancer for 5 years and passed away. I had to take care of him, it was awful, and after I suffered from PTS. I hadn’t been with anyone for more than 10 years when I met this man, and fell in love with him. I get it all, and my part in it.. He preyed on me, I was his perfect victim. I thought because his wife had also died from cancer, he would understand, but I didn’t know who I was dealing with.
      But I don’t know how to, or what exactly I am supposed to do to heal. So much bad has happened in my life. I don’t know how to fix the damage. What am I missing? You keep saying to take responsibility which I am, I have no qualms about more therapy, I understand the intellectual part. HOW do you heal the hurt,and damage that was done?

      • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
        Tracy Johnson
        November 22, 2012

        Hi AR
        AS I have been there too I will offer an opinion in case it helps you out – You cant take responsibility at the same time as saying “I was his perfect victim”. I had the exact same feeling of seduction but I went there willingly because I was not whole in myself. I kept attracting abusers because I had not healed the abused child inside. Not until I started clearing this abuse out of my physical body did I start to “GET IT” at a level deeper than my thinking I had gotten it. I kept attracting abuse until I KNEW i had got it rather than though I had. When you say “HOW” the answer is working through the modules. I have spent a couple of months in confusion around them and mailing Mel with what must have seemed like daft queries but from the very first one, I felt massively better.

        • melanoe@melanietoniaevans.com'
          Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 22, 2012

          Hi Tracy,

          thank you for your suggestions to AR.

          Yes it is so true that when we are trying to do the work just at a ‘mind level’ it can have very limited results.

          It has to start taking hold at a ‘knowing level’. The Modules Tracy is referrting to are the Modules in NARP.

          Mel xo

      • a.beautiful.day55@gmail.com'
        AR
        November 22, 2012

        I received no reply???

      • melanoe@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 22, 2012

        Hi AR,

        I feel for you, and yes you have been through a lot.

        AR I am not a fan of contemporary therapy – which I also tried to do for a very long time with very few if any results.

        The reason I am not a fan is because it only works on ‘the mind’ – it does not go deep enough into the Inner Identity – to the subconscious – in order to create real change.

        This is why I discovered and created Quanta Freedom Healing, used it on myself, started to experience breakthrough results, and then produced it in a way that I could release to others.

        The NARP Program is this Program which does work directly on the Inner Identity with the use of QF Healing Modules and full instructions and support from me in order to be able to do the inner work and heal.

        Many people have broken through using this process, where every other therapy they tried did not work – and many of these people were at breaking point and had experienced a continuous life of abuse.

        You can read about the results here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narp-testimonials.html

        I hope this helps!

        Mel xo

      • rcvrygurl@gmail.com'
        Lu Lu
        August 23, 2016

        Hello AR,
        So there it is. Your story is so simular to mine that I cannot deny anymore. In reading most of these posts it seems I have found “my people” and a home.
        I’m on day 12 of my new life. I am experiencing unbeliveable pain and withdrawl combined with the grief of losing my 10 year man to cancer. My N stepped in and scooped me up at my weakest point. I always “knew” I was attracted to the wrong guys and do not want to lose anymore of my life due to past abuse and learned behavior. Thank you so much to you both. Let the trecovery (AND THE NO CONTACT) continue!
        Lulu

    • marilyn.lundrigan@hotmail.co.uk'
      marilyn
      November 22, 2012

      I understand perfectly what you are descibing
      but what it is telling me that your not ready emotionally to detach.Believe me It took me 34 yrs and its only since feb 2012 that i realised what my life had become after ready the articles on NPD.i have detached,but i still live in the same house.i feel strong but finances are difficult to move.Know one thing.Whatever he/she is saying to you.BE ASSURED IT WILL BE ALL LIES.100%….ONCE YOU KNOW THIS EVRYTHING ELSE FALL INTO PLACE.IT JUST TAKES TIME..

      • tdkirby@activ8.net.au'
        tegan
        November 23, 2017

        Hi marilyn, I am now in the situation of living with a N husband of 25 years, who for 23 of those years was the perfect husband and we had a wonderful marriage (or so it seemed to me). Now I have to live in the same house (farm) with him as the finances are not yet sorted and we are completely enmeshed financially. My question to you, if you can help me is How do you do it?? How do you detach and live under the same roof? My husband found ‘happiness’ with a Thai prostitute and continues to go to Thailand to play golf and find his ‘happiness’ but wants to continue on with our lovely lifestyle here at home. It is doing my head in with his blaming me and my family for his infidelity, his rejection and then hoovering of me – but the house will be in my name soonish so I need to live here. Can you give me any advice as at times the pain is unbearable.

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      January 3, 2013

      I realised that with my current boyfriend that I had exactly what I had with my ex. It was just that they were different men, but both narcissists. I also realised that I must have changed one core belief. My mother never remarried after my father’s death and I could see it was possible that I would go the same way. However, other parts of my life are wonderful. So I a, hopeful that I can change whatever inner beliefs I have, energetically now, so I can have a wonderful and loving relationship with a man for the first time in my life without re-creating the same old scenario time after time. Thank you so much.

    • nina@corantos.no'
      Nina
      January 14, 2014

      Dear Melanie.
      I am really grateful – and deeply impressed – by the extremely powerful recovery program that you have developed and so generously offer for free online to victims of narcissist abuse! Thank you!

      I have – for years, actually – trapped myself in learning almost all there is to know about narcissism. I have also – for years – been stuck in a turbulent (not physically abusive) narcissistic relationship. Cognitively and emotionally I knew it wasn’t OK. Yet, I was completely caught up in the cycle of desire, rejection, hope – and totally unable to let go of hope. Hope that ‘he will change’.., hope that’ if only I can make him see how much he hurts me’…, hope that ‘if only he gets how much I love him’… Etc. etc. My focus was on ‘what about him do I need to understand’ – rather than on ‘what inside me do I need to understand’. Looking back, I see that I was literally looking for scientific/psychiatric proof that his healing was impossible and that I therefore had to let go. It was not enough that I was distressed, losing my sense of self worth and bordering on depression…

      To make a long (and very painful) story short: The relationship ended and the journey of my inner healing really began. I forced myself to write down everything that I could remember having caused med deep distress in the relationship – because I knew that I am top league when it comes to diminishing, excusing, forgiving. I forced myself read and reread my ‘memo’ over and over again. And I stayed with the feelings that came up in me and acknowledged them. I also shared my memo and my process with a therapist and with a few very close friends.

      Eventually, I came to see that I was extremely reactive; that I lacked contact with parts of myself that enabled me to ‘know’ what I wanted for me; that I had lousy boundaries; that I had an inner value system telling me that I could endure anything in the name of love; that I believed my value depended on the harmony that I was able to create around me; that it was in my power to change another human being and his outlook on life… etc. etc. (Echoes of childhood).

      After several months of No Contact, I came across your program just by chance. I was surfing the net for useful information on recovery from narcissistic relationships. The e-books, newsletters and your blog have been like God sent gifts for my process!

      The 90 – 10 rule and the No Contact are extremely helpful. These last few weeks I have begun feeling joy and excitement again – for the first time in months (my children actually say years). Things in other arenas of my life also seem to be falling into place. Receiving your newsletter is of great support! They often speak to me as though they were written specifically for me. All the links that you have – to additional information and comments – are just amazing. This is the best help that I have come across anywhere on this journey.

      I still believe that I have more inner healing to do, but I now feel both optimistic and curious about the future. Unfortunately, in a few months time, I cannot avoid meeting the man that I was involved with. My aim is, by then to have arrived at a place inside myself where I will not get pulled back into the Desire, Rejection, Hope Cycle with him. And so my journey of recovery continues. Hopefully I will still receive newsletters. If you have additional advice, I would appreciate that.

      Thank you for sharing all that you do with people like me!

      Nina

      • Helen.cook9875@gmail.com'
        Helen
        October 27, 2017

        Nina!

        I feel as if you wrote out the contents of my heart and mind. I’m sorry to know that you have endured a painful cycle that leaves us so broken but delighted to hear that you are being so strong in your recovery. Wishing you love and happiness x

  • jnthlake@aol.com'
    Regina
    November 21, 2012

    Thank you Melanie. Perfect timing. I left several months ago and my life is getting better and better, however I still think about him once in a great while. And I don’t ever want to go back or attract another one so I’m going to pay attention to your advice! I’m going to heal myself. I’ve changed my diet and I’m only eating healthy plant based foods and I’ve lost weight and feel great. I’m going to focus my energy on walking my dogs, hiking, reading books by great women writers, taking classes at the local college, getting massages, meditating, and listening to uplifting talk shows on Hay House Radio and my cds…and this on a very limited budget since I lost everything when I left. So what! I rather be here now than back in hell. I love reading your positive healing messages. I don’t care what or who or why they are narcissitic…I don’t want it in my life..and I don’t want to heal anybody but me…You are an Angel…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Regina,

      that is great that you want to really take responsibility, heal and move on.

      Great stuff – you are totally on the right track!

      Mel xo

  • bubblingover@hotmail.com'
    kendra
    November 21, 2012

    I was drawn to this blog title, but not for its subsequent content…..I am still spending a lot of time researching narcissism because I am trying to figure out if my husband is indeed a narcissist. I need to know what I am dealing with if I’m going to make drastic decisions (I have four young children and Christian vows that I take very seriously)…heck, if I’m going to tackle it and hope in any healing at all. I want to know, to really know: is he a narcissist? How do I confidently know outside of professional diagnosis?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Kendra,

      Yes, it is really tough when you are not 100% sure.

      Narcissistic behaviour is actually quite specific.

      Have you read these articles?

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm

      They may help you in your diagnosis.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

    • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
      EJ
      November 21, 2012

      Kendra,
      I, too, wanted to be sure I was dealing with a narcissist. Sometimes I was positive that he was truly in love with me and had normal emotions. And at other times he exhibited classic narc traits. I’d break off with him (we never lived together) and then go back again. This went on for nearly 2 years.

      Then, thanks to Melanie’s work, I realized two things. First, it didn’t matter if he was a classic narc, a partial narc, or just a little bit self-involved. The fact that his behavior kept driving me away was enough. Secondly, I finally woke up to the fact that I had not been appointed by God to fix this man. My only job was to work on myself. I certainly didn’t believe that I had everything within me that I needed for a happy life. I really believed my happiness depended on the man – if, of course, I could just fix him enough. It wasn’t easy to look at this, but I am learning step by step that I do indeed have what it takes to be responsible for me and only me.

      I’m sure your Christian vows are important, but I sense that God’s plan for you is not to keep you and your children in an unhappy and painful and potentially damaging situation. We are humans. We make vows with the best of intentions, but sometimes our deep beliefs about ourselves lead us into unhealthy promises. Your soul wants you to wake up, not stay in the muck for all time! Plus, it is so tempting to use vows and promises to fool ourselves out of doing the hard work.

      Narcissists operate to keep you confused. But something deep inside you is asking the right questions and trying to sort things out. For the sake of your children, and for your sake as well, I hope you will take your attention away from trying to diagnose the man and put it where it belongs. What is it inside you that keeps you tied to someone whose behavior has obviously set off your alarm bells?

      While you are researching, read a book by Lundy Bancroft entitled “Should I Stay or Should I Go”. It will give you some very clear insights into what types of situations will never be productive and which ones can be changed for the better.

      Good luck and good healing!

      • melanoe@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 22, 2012

        Hi EJ,

        thenk you for your wonderful post, and yes I am in total agreeance, in that in any relationship it is about ‘is this serving me’ and ‘what can I do to empower me, lay boundaries and honour myself’.

        The focus needs to come back to self.

        Thank you for the mention of this book – it is a wonderful resource, and I do fully recommend it.

        Mel xo

        • bubblingover@hotmail.com'
          kendra
          November 22, 2012

          Thank you both so much. I will continue to center and regain myself.
          I reread those articles and I can see that he is for sure narcisstic….it is hard because he accuses me of being “judgmental” and of being the self-centered one. And also, I see good in him and don’t want him to be a narcissist.

    • Agcompound@aol.com'
      Laura Godoy
      November 23, 2012

      You don’t need to research any further you are practicing avoidance behavior. It takes the focus off of looking at yourself. Just like the N doesn’t look at himself he truly know what he is. You must expose yourself to who you are.

    • syndyl@hotmail.com'
      Jacqueline
      November 24, 2012

      Hi Kendra,

      I have to agree with EJ on this one. It truly doesn’t matter if he is a “true” narcissist or not. I was also stuck in a situation where my marriage vows meant a lot to me, and I honestly believed to divorce my x-husband was a sin. My X, although not religious himself (in fact an aggressive athiest)often used this against me whenever I threatened to leave. But the fact of the matter is, if you are being abused, your HUSBAND is the one in violation of those vows, NOT you!

      Do what you have to do for yourself and your kids and you will find that suddenly, sometimes even miraculously, the universe alignes to provide you with what you need. In my case, I was able to get an annulment from the Catholic Church and was able to remarry. I am actually surprised at how easy this was.

      Thoughts and prayers are with you!

    • janeg@breathe.com'
      jane
      October 1, 2014

      Hi Kendra,
      i too am a Christian, albeit not married, and not with 4 children. But it suddenly occurred to me when i read your comment that if you live by the ‘Matthean exception’ on divorce, you could perhaps understand your husband’s behaviour as just that, adultery – why, because he is and has been having a love affair with himself for years, instead of you. I left my N 2 weeks ago after 2 years -and distraught, like everyone else on here and every blog on the web that i have read (80 hours worth in 2 wks – need to cut that right out!), have been desperate for healing. Spirit led me to miss out my church on sunday and go to another – there a woman took up the sermon time speaking about having left her Personality Disordered husband who had controlled and manipulated her. Maybe, like her, like me, your husband was sent on a very long assignment to slowly take you out, but you know who, is A Liar. God did not, and does not want you to be in a marriage that is going to kill you inside (and possibly out) – “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT TO HARM you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I screamed out to God to get me out, and he said, ok, it’s not gonna be pretty, but i’ll be there with you. I left 3 days later. Melanie’s blog is helping me, and God is holding me. You and I, we need to know who we are in Christ, and how much God loves us, not head knowledge, but heart knowledge and then we will have all the love and healing we’ll ever need.
      Anyone else reading this, do not be alarmed or offended by this truth. He loves you too. And melanie of course. x

  • brenda.reed32@yahoo.com'
    Brenda
    November 21, 2012

    Melanie,

    Thank you for this blog! Once my 2.5 year relationship with the narcissist ended, I too felt drawn to research NPD incessantly. I was seeking answers for the madness which I was suffering. To alleviate the pain though I eventually made a decision to get involved in activities rather than sit around sulking and being depressed. I admit that initially it was difficult and I struggled many nights thinking about the narc and the why’s, what if’s, if only, and how’s but as time passed I no longer felt that aching pain in my heart. I thought about him less and less. Such an individual does not and did not deserve that kind of energy from me. I began to focus on the positive aspects of my life and what I could do to make my future brighter. I am happy to say that I am making it all about me now and achieving results from the inside out. I realize that I need to be whole (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically) before i can be involved in a healthy loving relationship. >>>>May your life be filled with love, joy, and peace……Brenda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Brenda,

      you are very welcome!

      That is wonderful that your focus is on you and making it all about you!

      Yay!

      Mel xo

    • mslydia411@yahoo.com'
      Lydia
      November 22, 2012

      Brenda,

      Your comments mirror what I would say has happened to me. How liberating to let go of needing to understand less and less each day, and focusing all the positive energy on healing ourselves and moving forward. It was initially challenging but each day brings positive energy that I feed off of. I thank Melanie for her continued efforts to support and educate us.

      • melanoe@melanietoniaevans.com'
        Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 22, 2012

        Hi Lydia,

        Yes it is liberating! Thank you for your wonderful post!

        It is so wonderful that you are filling with and connecting to great energy!

        Mel xo

      • brenda.reed32@yahoo.com'
        Brenda
        November 24, 2012

        Absolutely Lydia! You took the words right out of my mouth……Liberating and empowering! Your words are so on point and resonate exactly how I feel. I truly believe we’re on the right track (hooray!). Melanie’s blogs and all the information provided has been a tremendous inspiration for me. Be blessed and celebrate life anew.

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    November 21, 2012

    well hello again, and thank you for such wonderful meaty words, Mel. I am getting much better at staying ‘on myself’. I don’t like it much of the time and realize partly why I was once obsessed with learning about narcissism is precisely because I was hiding behind it. It is back to personal responsibility. Truth is, I am seeing things I don’t like about me. It was easier to be focused on him so I didn’t have to deal with me. I am learning to embrace all the parts…to own all of me….without condemnation. Denial is powerful, and so is fantasy having had so much trauma in my life….that is where I went. That was part of the deal I made when I got married….’I won’t tell that you are a narcissist, if I get to bask in the glow of your glory.’ The glory is an illusion….time for something real…I am learning to give me unconditional love and acceptance, so that I never need to go looking any further than my own backyard ever again. Blessings!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Ruth,

      Thank you for your post, and you are very welcome.

      What a wonderful inspirational share regarding taking personal responsibility and self-healing.

      Mel xo

  • shameem.haffejee@capetown.gov.za'
    sushmita
    November 21, 2012

    Melanie, once again thanks for this particular article. I don’t always get time to read your blogs but this one attracted me and really ‘put the cherry on top’. I still see my man occassionally but I am stronger to say things ‘face to face’ without feeling the ‘guilt’ any longer. I live each day with passion, creativity and the best I could have ever done was become a ‘Zumba Dancer’and ‘Mosaic Artist’. It puts me on a pedestal because its my ‘FIRST LOVES’. The simultaneous passion for ‘dancing & art’ is therapeutic for the MIND, BODY & SOUL. Thanks so much for your articles. They are precious and a great therapy if applied gradually, Sushmita☺

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Sushmita,

      you are very welcome!

      That is wonderful that you are living and being your passion.

      I am glad the article resonated with you!

      Mel xo

  • Lindiafield@hotmail.com'
    Linda
    November 21, 2012

    Dear Tonia.
    I am now in a twelve step program for recovery for co dependence.i have worked hard doing the twelve steps and identified some of my negative beliefs about myself with the hope that love no longer equals pain. I have met someone who is paying me a lot of attention and really wants to have a relationship with me. But I don’t feel 100 or even 80% sure about him. I want the physical and emotional attention, and the love he has for me is genuine, my question is I am worried this might be really hard to get out of if it doesn’t work . I quests I am still scared.?
    Sincerely,
    Linda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Linda,

      yes it does sound like it is best to do some more inner work before truly committing.

      What we fear tends to play out – this is about clearing this fear and working at knowing and being ‘at one’ with yourself, in order to honour you if you do need to get out.

      Mel xo

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    Laura
    November 21, 2012

    Hi Mel-

    I can honestly say I still make it about him much more than I’d like to admit. But I agree with your post that it’s not just a mind thing. I get insights all the time about myself and reasons for my behavior, but nothing changes as a result.

    Also, I want to mention, this article made me realize that my father had narc traits.

    When I was a kid, my family had a membership to a swim club and we used it almost everyday. But it was too far for us kids to get to on our own. So one day, we all went to a farmers market in the morning and us kids wanted to go to the pool that afternoon. But my uncle (mom’s brother) was in town and was coming for a short visit.

    My mom suggested to my dad, “Why don’t you take the kids to the pool?” (she knew how much we wanted to go) “And I’ll stay home and visit with my brother.”

    My dad’s response was completely childish and quite frankly crazy. I knew it was messed up even then. He said, “Why? are there some family secrets you don’t want me to know about?”

    I know my mom reacted with something like “No hun, don’t be ridiculous.”

    But, man, I remember feeling so flabbergasted and pretty shocked by that question. It scared me because it was paranoid, altho I didn’t know that word, but I remember the feeling. In addition to that I felt so hurt for my mom. My father was accusing her of suspicious behavior and showing distrust she didn’t deserve. And there was anger toward him too for that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Laura,

      it is great that this article has provided you with a deeper understanding of the work you need to do on yourself.

      My suggestion is check out NARP and read what other people have achieved to shift their painful beliefs with not only narcs but also their parents.

      NARP can help you to get to and process this inner work.

      Mel xo

  • sydneygal@hotmail.com'
    Sylvia
    November 21, 2012

    Hi.
    I have left the narc twice. I moved out 4 months ago and he begged me after one month of no contact to start counselling. I could not do no contact. The counselling seems to be helping and I am stronger by reading that I am a huge part of the problem with my unhealed parts that allowed the behaviour. You can live without a narc.and no contact is gruelling for some. It is like a drug addict on withdrawal but when you detach and look at the whole picture from afar, things look different. At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own happiness.
    We have to own our integrity and say STOP to horrid behaviour. We are conditioned as women to be obliging and not stand up for our rights but we have to do it.
    Thank you Melanie for your insights. People only treat us the way we let them treat us. Self-respect is the no.1 issue.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Sylvia,

      thank you for your post.

      Yes we do have to own our truth to stand up and say no – and definetely working and focusing on our inner parts makes that so much easier and the expansion out into our abuse free life so much more fulfilling.

      Keep going!

      Mel xo

  • sujonez@hotmail.com'
    carolyn
    November 21, 2012

    It is always easier- if that is the right word! to focus on the narc and try to make sense of their behaviour. I am certainly struggling with this, especially since he has appeared to have moved on and is having a great life. I know that by focusing on him and what he is or isn´t doing, I am avoiding working on myself.

    I recognise that this is a form of denial but I also am aware that I do have a part of me that is telling myself I am not worth anything, I don´t deserve a great life. It is as if I have internalised all his abuse. I realise too that this has been my default position for years.

    Working with the NARP programme is helping me to bring this stuff up to be healed. It is not easy- I would rather run away from the pain and blame someone else than look closely at my unhealed parts. But I am so aware that if I don´t work on myself I will be just stuck in more of the same.

    I realise I find it so difficult to love and honour myself! He did such a thorough job of destroying my self confidence and I just let him do that. Trying to figure him out is getting me nowhere. I see that very clearly now, it is an means of avoiding looking at myself. There is a part of me that seems determined to sabotage my own happiness- my habitual egoic self sneering at my attempts to break free because I don´t deserve happiness- how weird is that!

    Working with Melanie is helping me so much to recognise these unhealed parts and accept them unconditionally, heal them and to learn to love myself. It´s a fascinating process and I consider myself so lucky to have found you Mel. Without it I would be very much stuck in my habitual victim mode and going nowhere. My total thanks for what you are doing. Blessings

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2012

      Hi Carolyn,

      you should be so proud of yourself – firstly for your self-honesty and secondly for having the courage to put of avoiding yourself and doing the healing inner work.

      The more you work the Modules in NARP (even when your Inner Identity is trying to give you every reason why not to!), it will get easier and easier and start to flow – but, as you know, only when you are prepared to be fully present and embrace your unhealed parts when doing the Modules.

      Keep doing this, and you will break through.

      You are very welcome regarding my support.

      Mel xo

  • empratt24@gmail.com'
    Emily Pratt
    November 21, 2012

    This blog was so appropriate for me Mel! I was only thinking to myself the other day. Okay Emily, enough researching about narcissism. You are now an expert on the topic. Now it’s time to put all that extra time into you and to put every ounce of spare time into my healing and growth. And it works! Well of course it does.
    No more psych for me! I wouldn’t even know what to talk to him about now, except how peaceful and happy I am.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    November 21, 2012

    Hi Emily,

    I am so glad the article resonated with you!

    It has been an absolute joy seeing you come back literally from the ‘dead’ after only a few short weeks on NARP – truly 🙂

    Mel xo

  • martincarmel28@yahoo.com'
    carmel martin
    November 21, 2012

    I’m not sure if my ex is a narc or just a very selfish insecure individual who puts his needs(alcohol)and his new girlfriend before his children, either way I am so glad to be rid of him and can do minimal contact no problem after 16 years of misery living with him. I do however wonder if there is any good men out there..or are they all the same? I would like to thank you mel for your support I never knew about narcs untill I discovered your website, much love

    • lucifur38@gmail.com'
      Luci Bloom
      November 21, 2012

      I think it is normal to go through stages after abuse to feel like there aren’t any good men out there, so why bother…but I think if you carry that belief around then it will become a reality to you and you may find that you sabotage any potentially good relationships because of it.

      Not all men are bastards…many are, but that can go for women as well. There are some really decent men out there, who sometimes get accused of being bastards because women they go out with have not healed from the past and put them in the same category as abusive men, without any reason…which is a real shame.

      It’s a catch 22, but you have to give people a chance to let them prove they aren’t a bad egg after all.

      The alternative is to stay alone forever.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 22, 2012

        Hi Lici,

        yes you are right – it is about beliefs – we will receive whatever they are – or stay away from trying because of the fear, knowing subconsciously that we are ‘still’ a match for what we fear.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Carmel,

      please know that when you do the work on the inner you – you will ‘know’ that good men exist.

      The reason why you can’t feel that as knowing yet – and in your mind questions it (even though you would like to believe it) is because your Inner Identity Programs as still attached to pain regarding men and relationships.

      Once you shift and heal this – your Inner Identity can become a ‘match’ for good men and your thoughts (as they always do) will match your Inner Identity.

      I hope this makes sense and helps!

      Mel xo

  • lucifur38@gmail.com'
    Luci Bloom
    November 21, 2012

    This is kinda where I’m at exactly Melanie. I’ve been not putting myself out there. Although I have been getting to know some nice men, and people who seem really decent are in my sphere at the moment.

    Since having no contact with my parents and brothers for about a year, and cutting all abusive people out of my life, I have managed to manifest only very decent and humane, empathic people who have my best interests at heart, and I feel like I have been getting a bit too used to being alone and single.

    It was fine for a while, and i needed to be on my own after some stuff that happened with the last guy, who put me off men for a while…but now I am starting to feel like I have been single for too long, so this has helped.

    I think I have been placing my attention on healing and not getting obsessed with reading about narcissism. I have the basic idea of what they are about and it’s more about trusting my own instincts to recognize the behavior, if another one is attracted into my world.

    Now I can say that if another one does come along, it is a sign that there is still some work that needs to be done on myself.

    My brother has been trying to re-initiate contact with me in the last week, and that has been a little hard to stay strong and not let them pull me back into the fold. I’m feeling pretty good though.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Luci again,

      sorry about the typo in your name above!

      I think it’s just really important to know that the inner work truly is about delving deep to really understand, claim and work on what inner programs we have been running which have allowed us to live a cycle of abuse.

      It is wonderful that you have created and held No Contact – just really make sure that you are doing the inner work to heal!

      This article can powerfully bring you to this understanding and claiming of your inner parts https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

      Just in case you may need to go a little deeper.

      Mel xo

  • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
    Tracy Johnson
    November 22, 2012

    After the ultimate hell NARC relationship 11 years ago, I did a ton of therapy – that is thinking work – but there was no NARP and I swung between number 1 and 3 in all subsequent relationships none of which lasted more than 6 months. My life has again hit rock rock bottom outside of a relationship because I still wasnt getting it and was now hiding from it by not being in relationship for fear of NARC abuse hell. My soul has been very determined that I would sort this out in this lifetime even though its taking forever.
    There is a very deep reason outside of love relationships that it’s taking forever and one that has influenced those loves. I feel confident that when I have finished the programme I will be ready to see the loving man Ive always wished for. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi TRacy,

      yes absolutly by doing the inner work – you will come out the other side as a match for healthy and fulfilling love.

      It is wonderful that you are so committed!

      Mel xo

  • nancylund50@yahoo.com'
    Nancy
    November 22, 2012

    Yes, my research as come to an end, I now want to focus on my new life and my new things that make me happy and whole. I still have to deal w/him, we have a business and son together, but I have the choice to concentrate on myself and not on his continued behavior. It is just so uplifting that I can see now that what he does is what he does and that is ok as long as I don’t take it in myself and get sick again. Thanks so for your newsletter that cements the process I am going through.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Nancy,

      thank you for your post, and it is wonderful that you have taken your focus of him and are now making it about you.

      Good job!

      Mel xo

  • kynders@aol.com'
    Lynda Macy
    November 22, 2012

    I have been divorced from my ex-narc for 5 years after 14 years of marriage hell. Although I have been trying to re-build my life, I have still felt lost and damaged.
    I think this article came at a good time for me because I have only just realized that I was married to a narc, which explains why I’m so messed up.
    I can see that I’ve done enough research on narcissism to “see” and confirm the abuse. Now it’s time to “see” who I am. “See” my value. And to change my story from being a victim, to being the incredibly strong intelligent woman that I am.
    One of my greatest blessings of researching Narcissism was finding this website. I don’t need to search any more. I feel a lightness in my heart today, I see light at the end of the tunnel.
    To all of you out there who are still suffering (as I am), stop focusing your attention on them! Focus on loving yourself. Forgiving yourself. Repeat after me, “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Lynda,

      thank you for your post, and I am so pleased you have found this information and that you want to heal!

      That is terrific, and I wish you all the best with your healing journy of ‘self’.

      Mel xo

  • elizabetherickson2@gmail.com'
    Liz
    November 22, 2012

    After a 25 year relationship that was filled with emotional abuse, rage, deception, and drama I was dumped in a 5 minute phone call. That was 4 months ago. I have been in therapy since trying to deal with the shell shock over all the time and energy invested in the relationship and the wide path of emotional destruction he has left in my family. I have read more than my share of NARC books and now realize the need to heal myself. Physically I ache all over and believe that this relationship and the aftermath has taken a toll on my body. I want to be healthy and put this chapter of my life behind me.

    • kynders@aol.com'
      Lynda Macy
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Liz,
      It sure is a painful existance living with a narc, but the end of a relationship with one is even worse.
      During the first year after my divorce, (wish I had understood his illness) I developed terrible pain in my body. I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The dr said it was a result of so much stress.
      Please take better care of yourself-you don’t want this to develop into a physical manifestation of illness.
      Breathe…
      Hugs!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Liz,

      I know it is hard to see right now, but truly after having lived with this level of abuse, he has done you a favour, and please do not go back if he tries to keep you in his life.

      It is great that you do realise it is time to put your focus on you and start healing.

      And you can, like so many others heal and thrive if you do that.

      Mel xo

  • laura@merlco.biz'
    Laura
    November 22, 2012

    Melanie, As I read this, bells were going off, and I know this to be true. Thank you for your insights, and I am going to put my healing first!! I have been in NC with my folks now for about 3 mos. and it has made a huge difference for me. I am putting me first, my marriage, our daughter and everything else after that!! Thanks!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Laura,

      you are very welcome!

      I am so glad you are going to put your healing first!

      Bravo 🙂

      Mel xo

  • adelebow@yahoo.co.uk'
    Carrie
    November 22, 2012

    Thank you for this article which came at just the right time ( co-incidence?) I finally found the strength/ability , after 2 years to leave my N interaction. I left many times before but always went back believing I had more knowledge and stength and would therefore be able to ‘deal with it’. I have read numerous books and articles trying to understand Narcissism and each time I returned I felt stronger and held onto my own identity more firmly. The only problem was the more strength and separateness I showed the more the stakes were raised and the rules were changed. No matter how compassionate yet detached I tried to be there was always another curved ball thrown.
    Over the last week I realised I had stopped needing my N some time ago and now I had even stopped wanting him and yet I was still waiting for a promised call that I knew when HE was ready would come. Tonight I knew it was time to do what I wanted to do. I ended it kindly with compassion and good wishes. I wish I could say that I have forgiven him, I have tried but as yet I know I haven’t truly been able to do that. I feel sure in time I will but as yet it is too soon. I have however known for some time the lesson I needed to learn from this was about my own healing and slowly the focus shifted. Tonight I deleted all books on Narcissism and left all the ones on my own healing. I have read and benfitted from so many of your articles I wanted to write one piece that would be my last on obsessing about Narcissism. I am committed to now accepting whatever pain I must to move through this and focus on my own healing. I have come so far that I know i must draw on all my strengths for the final hurdle, that unwittingly the Narcissist helped me find. I am not yet at the 90/10 but am determined to start moving towards that goal and finally to 0%. To all women ( and men too ) who have suffered from this frustrating and debilitating emotional invasion I hope you find a way to find YOU and the love you all so richly deserve.
    Thank you Melanie. Your knowledge on the subject is helping so many people find their TRUTH and for facilitating the change that in time may be so widely acknowledged and talked about that Narcissists may not find it so easy to hunt and capture their prey.
    With love and gratitude xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Carrie,

      Yes, it is so true that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t with a narcissist!

      Nothing is consistent, the rules are always bent (to suit the narcissist of course), information is continually fabricated and boundaries are continually smashed through – and you of course will be blamed for all of it.

      It is truly a no-win deal!

      Fantastic you have pulled away. Truly when you do the inner work, you will be able to let go and you will move into the space of forgiveness (which is of course your freedom to let go of abuse).

      The 90/10 rule comes about all by itself, when you get committed to inner work and healing, because truly that is what takes up your time, the time where you used to be obsessing and researching.

      Yes beautifully said! It is about finding US and our inner love, love for connection to life and lovingly connecting to healthy people.

      Again I agree, if more people were a healthy sense of ‘self’, then there would be much less ‘prey’ in the world for narcs.

      Mel xo

  • mothernaturegirl@yahoo.com'
    Carla
    November 22, 2012

    I just posted on another thread about ordering all these books about Narc and Borderline Personality Disorder. I said, “knowledge is power”…lol!

    What you say here reminds me of AA and how knowing you shouldn’t drink and all the head knowledge you can have, you are at super high risk of relapse. It’s a spiritual disease and you must do the work (the 12 steps) and continue on a daily basis to give you the best result of recovery.

    I can laugh at myself! Even this, I knew better. I even felt it as I typed in that a ordered a bunch of books…like I intuitively I knew this, too, was not the answer.

    Okay, so I’m going to clicking on the link you provided in the base of your post and start the work required for healing! I’m excited!

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Carla! NARP is phenomenal at how it clears out stuff from our cells, not just from our heads. No amount of counselling can come close to what you will experience with NARP.
      Enjoy and, you will enjoy it as it is so relaxing to do, once you start clearing the toxins from your cells. x

      • mothernaturegirl@yahoo.com'
        Carla
        November 24, 2012

        Thank you, Jac. I wonder why this post doesn’t show up my e-mail?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Carla,

      I have just seen that you ordered NARP – it is wonderful that you are now committed to doing the work on your Inner Identity Programs!

      This will change everything for you…

      Mel xo

      • mothernaturegirl@yahoo.com'
        Carla
        November 24, 2012

        Mel, thank you so so much. I have been diving into the material, reading all that you have set up including links and learning so much. I am now certain that my live in guy of 6 months is a suffers from narcissism to the point of a disorder and also is borderline. It helped to see how him accusing me of stealing his stuff and more is just another way of him putting himself above me. I even offered to help him, money wise, and he just went back into how I am a thief, so I not longer was willing to help and now we have no contact.

        I had a horrible panic attack last night and ended up in the ER. I know things will get better. I will keep up the “work”.

        Carla

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 28, 2012

          Hi Carla,

          That is great that you are getting stuck into NARP.

          You poor thing regarding the panic attack. If you take that ‘fear and pain’ to Module 1 (what caused the panic attack) you will get a big shift on what beliefs are causing it.

          Good luck, and please know I am available by email support to assist.

          Stay strong, and it is great that you have set boundaries with this guy – No More!

          Mel xo

          • mothernaturegirl@yahoo.com'
            Carla
            November 30, 2012

            Mel,

            Is there any way for these replies to show up in my e-mail?

            Thank you.

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    November 22, 2012

    Hi Mel, Before starting the NARP programme and committing to my healing, I was constantly running into Narcs! After leaving the ex partner, I moved to a different part of my state and the first encounter I had with a new person at my new venture (art studio) displayed classic narc traits. So I played the game with him too and how, I don’t know, he picked up on my vibrations and started baiting, abuse and was so transparent that I knew I had once again run into another.
    When we focus and research Narcissism, it creates and draws these disordered people into our life. I noticed that right from the beginning where I was consumed with learning about how they tick and tying to figure out, why would he say that or why is he picking on me, when there are other people in the studios or why is he baiting me? I understood, when I started my healing that, they have an uncanny ability to sense someone who is vulnerable and so swoop to that person to get supply. Without my knowing I was attracting them, even though had left my relationship 6 months before.
    So everyone the more Narcissism becomes your focus, the more you will attract them.
    Now after taking full responsibility to heal, I have started to ‘repel’ people who have the traits, can sense it in 5 minutes and I don’t have the charges with anyone who may try to bully me, or bait me. I just walk away, feel calm and disengage with the energy.

    Melanie, you may be able to elaborate on the psychic phenomena of how a person with NPD, somehow knows who is most likely to be a target. It is amazing with my experience with the man from the studio, how after only one day of meeting him, he was on to me to get supply. They seem to sniff it out, like a vampire sniffs out blood.
    No I am not going to read all about Vampires!! hahah! My ex did love ware-wolf and vampire Movies though, obsessively watched them over and over again.

    Narcissism is very interesting but not what it should be about now we are free.

    Has anyone ever seen the movie, Dorian Gray? about a classic narcissist…very interesting and worth seeing, or reading the book. x
    Much love to you Mel, I am getting there. xxoo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Jac,

      thank you for your lovely post.

      Yes it is pure Law of Attraction, whatever we are focused on, whatever our emotions are ‘feeling’, and whatever our painful Inner Identity programs are ‘re-living’ as a result of focusing on and researching narcs, just cements them on our life – and we are still targets for them.

      We may think that focusing on all there is to know about narcs means saying ‘no’ to narcissistic abuse – but it is in fact saying ‘yes’ to it instead!

      In regard to narcissists ‘knowing’ it must be remembered that narcissists do not have a true sense of self – they have a false self that requires getting supply, and having the false (glamour) self being fed as ‘special’ ‘unique’ or ‘powerful’ by other people.

      Narcissists are experts at ascertaining and feeling out people as to who is going to be an effective target to gain narcissistic supply from – because their emotional survival depends on it.

      Therefore a narcissist does not enter a meeting with ‘I’m being myself here’…he or she enters a meeting with ‘Is this a person that I can gain my ‘self’ from?’ and sums this up in order to know…

      Empaths, and people with poor boundaries, and who are not solid enough to have self-worth and self-approval, and who are trying to gain validation of ‘self’ from other people are prime targets.
      Which of course means people who are naturally givers, don’t like confrontation and who have not as yet healed their unhealed parts which allows narcissits to hook on to them and abuse them.

      I hope this makes sense!

      Yes Dorian Gray is the epitome of what happens to the narc at the end of the line, when they are too old and don’t have the energy left to gain narc supply.

      The mask falls off (because it is not getting supply) and the awful truth of being a no-self is all that remains.

      This movie is the perfect metaphor of that reality!

      Mel xo

  • mikefulmer82@yahoo.com'
    Michael
    November 22, 2012

    That is exactly what I needed to hear. I have had a awful couple months. And i am no longer a part of the abuse and its been a couple months. Iv had no contact. But i seem to search the internet looking for all the things to learn more about npd. But while im doing that im not really just excepting that it was that and then working on myself. Its like Im still searching to justify my ex. So this is what i needed to read. I will probably read it 10 more times just to really get it. Its been 2 months and im still searching for answers. I know for a fact that she was npd. She also was with man that was a npd before me so i guess i was thinking it was him that caused her to be this way. Thats not true at all. I was with her and experienced all. And i could never fathom being that way to anyone. But its me that needs to break free. I need to get back to who i was before her. I never had trust issues or feelings like I did with this person. It was a day to day uncertainty. So i need to let woman in my life without having a guard up. Its been hard and the second i notice something wrong im leaving and not giving any chance to progress. Iv been very defensive. And very judgmental. Its so hard because i just want to protect myself. But i read this and it helped me. Thank you. I will get through it all. Its been 2 months. So everyday I get stronger and stronger.

    Thanks,
    Mike

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      November 22, 2012

      HI Mike, just a quick hi, as I have been in recover now for nearly a year!
      It does get easier and NARP speeds it up, getting to the root of our problems and clearing them from our cells. Peptide addiction is what plays out with narcissism (the three videos ‘The Phenomena of Narcissistic abuse and how you can overcome it’) is worth listening too, and it is unlike any relationship attachment. It helped me understand it even more to be able to get my focus off him and onto me, so as to not attract any more narcs in my life.
      Good to see another Man taking responsibility for self to heal. HAPPY for you 😀

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2012

      Hi Mike,

      thank you for your post, and I am glad that this article has handed you a ‘key’ to know why it is so important to get your focus of her, and to get it firmly on to healing you.

      Jac is right – it is lovely seeing another man ‘get it’!

      Many men are doing NARP (or have done so) and it is a completely different journey from any ‘logic’ one you may have tried to do healing wise – but it really does get to exactly where you need to go in order to heal.

      It also makes the recovery process so much faster, easier and real..

      Great luck with your healing.:)

      Mel xo

  • bstewart626@hotmail.com'
    Elizabeth
    November 22, 2012

    Hi Melanie;

    This article couldn’t have come at a better time! After many months of obsessively researching narcissism, I finally had my fill and decided, yes it IS time to heal myself and move on. I spent so much time trying to “justify” my leaving my ex, looking for proof in black and white that something was wrong with him, not me. It was quite clear he had a problem already, but guilt and lack of self esteem had me full of doubt.

    I have only in the last month been working exclusively on my own issues, and I can tell you things have already improved immensely!

    I can’t thank you enough for these articles and your continued support. Just knowing I’m not alone was all I needed to stand on my own again.:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 24, 2012

      Hi Elizabeth,

      I am so glad the artcile resonated with you!

      Great that your focus has turned to healing you, and you are experiencing the benefits!

      You are very welcome- and yes you are ceratinly not alone! 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Gledhill.Megan@gmail.com'
    Liz
    November 24, 2012

    Hello Melanie,

    Is it common for the outside world to view the narcissist as a great guy but for him to soely show bits of his true self to the gals he dates seriously? Is it common for him to move the relationship along quickly and want the relationship to turn into cohabitation so he is never alone? His new girlfriend now lives with him, she and I share mutual friends and through them I hear the relationship is good and that he is a great guy. I research to prove to myself that I’m not overly emotional or crazy, that the way he treated me was real and that the red flags did exist. I saw in a very short amount of time that he was controlling and critical of me and I initially ended the relationship because I felt so insecure and that he wanted me to be his fantasy girl- I didn’t realize until after the relationship that I felt so insecure from him constantly pointing out my flaws, I did not identify with the abuse at the time because it was sometimes done in a sarcastic and joking manner. It was after the fact and when I read about narcissism that the lightbulb went off. I guess I’m asking if it is possible for him to have a great way of hiding his abuse. His new girlfriend has been with him far longer than myself, so why do her friends not hear anything bad about him through her? If they don’t change and he is behaving badly to her too- why does he have such a fantastic reputation in our small community? I am back to the obsessing again, after a time of feeling free because I am questioning if the way I read what in our relationship, even though I have several examples of him displaying severe narcissistic behavior while he and I were dating.

    • jacsplat@msn.com'
      Jac
      November 24, 2012

      Hi Liz, just poking my head around the corner to say hi to you as well 🙂
      Your above post described my ex to a T.
      Behind closed doors, you don’t know what may be going on and the behaviour can be sightly different with his new girlfriend,than with you. She will be presenting him her unhealed parts in a different way, (our unhealed parts are what attracts us to them in the first place), but eventually he will find something in her to get supply from. It is only a matter of time. She also may not be comfortable saying anything yet, as I I didn’t at first, just kept it to myself, as to not want to burden people.

      As for my ex, he showed his true colours early and on the outside he was liked by everyone, very popular, a clown, very helpful and appeared to be the most wonderful man you could ever want to be with. They do wear a mask for the outside and even keep it on at home around us, until something goes off in their heads, for them to feel like they need to lash out at us. Mine was a delight one minute and then switched to Mr Hyde the next, very unpredictable and scary. His outbursts got worse as time went on, and they do get sicker over time.

      Your ex is wearing the mask and at the moment it is holding, but soon and eventually you may start to hear things about his behaviour that may be familiar to you, even though not exact to your experiences.

      Also, when you start to shift and clear the negative energy surrounding him and your friends, you will start to attract different people into your life, more of a match to your new energy. It truly works like that and
      Best to focus on and heal you, as from my experience (by working with NARP) by doing this, they become less and less to you, the obsession with them clears and you won’t care what is going on with him and his new girlfriend. There are better things to do than to think about him…life is not permenant and time is ticking away, so enjoy every day. Narcs are dangerous forces and best to detach your energy from them. You won’t know yourself when you do start to come home to yourself. Mel I am sure will give you a better description than this, but this is from my own experience with living with a high end Narc for 4 years. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 26, 2012

      Hi Liz,

      yes it totally is – narcs are masters at playing ‘street angel / home devil’….And yes it is total normal for narcs to enmesh quickly with love partners.

      All of what you are asking is ‘yes’.

      The real truth here for you to heal is to examine ‘you’. What are your unhealed parts in this – why are you still hanging on and obsessing – and why can’t you let go.

      That is exactly the focus you need to commit to and heal – otherwise it will just be a long time of suffering and you attracting identical relationships to yourself, to again get the opportunity to heal what you truly need to.

      Take you focus off him – as per this article and make it about you. Then the pain will ease and your confidence and healing will begin.

      Mel xo

    • horseyak@earthlink.net'
      Laurie
      February 11, 2013

      I relate a lot to your letter and understand the obsession. It could be that you were more of a threat to him ( are you talented at something he’s not? Make more money? Have better self esteem?)than she is. She may be more of a dormat personality who can’t even recognize slights and passive-aggressive remarks when they are hurled at her. She also could very well have had a parent much like him so what she tolerates feels very comfortable and familiar, even though to a healthier person (like you) it is abuse. To her, it could just feel like home. Whatever it is that he has with her, you can rest assured it is a shallow relationship because narcissists only live in their false self and get pissed off if you are not catering to it. My non professional advice is that you examine the real problem behind the obsessing which I guarantee goes back to mom or dad. One thing my therapist said to me which really resonated is that we have a hard time letting go of these types because letting go of them really means letting go of mother ( or father) and THAT is the real battle we’re fighting in our head. Not this jerk or that jerk.

  • alspecialists@msn.com'
    Paul
    November 24, 2012

    I am very glad that when I search Narcissism these days I find sites like yours. Many years ago when I performed a search to find out what narcissism was the only one out there was Sam Vaknin – This is an epidemic. My search started many years ago when my sister called and said David (our brother) was threatening suicide – this came out of nowhere. I had been living in Arizona many years and we had usual long distance contact and there were little signs or vocalizations. He was diagnosed with Borderline disorder and followed through in 2008. I know quite a bit about these disorders – My father is the classic NPD as a later found out there was a definition for these behavioral patterns. I have tried to get my mother to accept this and have talked with my sister about this at length over the years. In any case, Thanksgiving proved to be a breaking point this year and I warned the family this disorder would not just go away. So, in their early 80’s my mother is now thinking of leaving my father – I today advised her against making any rash confrontation but that she should not take this option off the table – my sister agrees. I don’t know how to approach this and very much agree that understanding the descriptive’s of this disorder does not protect one from the effects – I spoke with my father who did not know I learned of the explosion and so he brought this episode up with a somewhat nonchalant, no big deal assessment. I have learned to communicate with my father much better now that I know the problem is completely from within and can actually make suggestions as long as I leave him a way out to save face. I would like your suggestions Ms. Evans about how to approach this and although many disagree, I believe the NPD can not only be managed but can somewhat heal themselves if confronted with the interactions. Either way, worried that my mother will do something in a way that would not allow her to move forward in a healthy way – guilt is her middle name. Thanks for any advise.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 26, 2012

      Hi Paul,

      it is always very difficult to get others to leave NPD or take responsibility for their behaviour if they don’t wish to.

      Your mother has come from generations that are not just programmed with guilt – they are also highly conditioned to ‘stay’.

      Your father may take more responsibility because you ‘manage him’ better but what goes on behind closed doors could be another story – and your mother naturally will not have your ability with boundaries.

      I am not really a believer that NPD’s can take responsibility simply because I have never witnessed any real proof to make me believe otherwise.I would be open one day to getting that proof.

      I do believe that people with narcissistic characteristics can take responsibility and heal – if they are not NPD.

      Mel xo

  • alspecialists@msn.com'
    Paul
    November 24, 2012

    I also wanted to post something here – it’s not just for people of religion. This is one of my favorite writings and perhaps the best words ever written to heal the human species. I comes from a man who, by all accounts, had extreme NPD but was converted – this goes back some time but if we read the words, we notice some key points – this is the opposite of the dark side of NPD. St.Paul to the Corinthians – Love. 1 Corinthians 13

    New International Version (NIV)

    13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

  • mhome2@yahoo.com'
    mark
    November 25, 2012

    I’m convinced I spent 36 years of my life with a passive aggressive narcissist combination. It actually took someone taking the blinders off me to realize what was really going on then everything became bright and clear. Thinking back the behavious was well disguised and suttle the famous water torture. I finally found the strength to divorce yet it took nearly 2 years to have any seperation. Now it appears I have become involved with a woman that displays several narcissistic tendencies. She is aware of the disorder and admits that she herself seems to attract narcissists.I understand the damages done in childhood in my ex wifes case her father left 6 kids at an early age and then her first husband was physically and emotionally abusive. I walked into a hornets nest but didnt know it for far too long. I know now that I was merely a meal ticket for her and her 2 kids. So now this new relationship 10 months is showing signs of narcissism. Shhe does have little empathy and compassion yet she is aware of that.She has control issues as well as unfounded jealousy. There is so much I like about her so many similarities and the good times are very very good. My concern is that I feel I also have some N tendencies as well. Maybe she and I are sparing for NS give and take. She has stated that we are both strong minded and that causes problems. I am one to research and learn about anything that interests me I truely want to find answers and solutions. I am fortunate to have two lady friends that will always tell me the truth even if it hurts me. Often times it does. So I am going to get the NARP program as I feel that my damage was done by my ex wife and now I’ve fallen prey to another Narc.I am definaltely the classic ” don’t like being alone ” and tend to fet involved rather quickly and deeply with women. Your thoughts and comments are appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 26, 2012

      Hi Mark,

      it is great that you are doing self-assessment and self-analysis, and want to stop the pattern and the pain repeating.

      NARP is a good choice to get to the inner pain and programs that set up this pattern, in order to release these and heal.

      I’m there to help guide you on the program by email.

      Mel xo

  • rachel@rachelmoore.net'
    Rachel
    November 26, 2012

    Awesome post. I will admit I’ve fallen into the black hole of reading up on NPD for hours at a time, but mostly just to INITIALLY understand and be able to know I’m not 100% crazy!

    I am really suffering right now. I ran off at 23 to get away from everything I knew and find myself, met a charming man (37) along the way, and got into an intense relationship where I was living at home some of the time and then would jet off to be with him for a couple of months, then home, then with him. I realized that things weren’t right about a year into the relationship. He started withdrawling emotionally and sexually, being vague about the next time we would be together because of “work” (always some grandiose entrepreneurial endeavor going on that rarely works out as he planned). We didn’t see each other for six months, I was back with family and took a job at a strip club (something I had done in the past off and on but was trying to get out of) to get away from family drama and be independent once I realized he wasn’t coming back any time soon. Six months in I demanded to know whether he was coming or not and said we were breaking up, he thought that was DEMANDING and UNFAIR. Are you kidding.

    This is getting long, but basically we tried it one more time and I realized how bad it was. He would lie or avert responsibility for everything — for not having sex, for the 6 months away, for refusing to talk about the future. I was always the messed up one. I gave up my job and my apartment to be with him one last time, and landed back at my parents house again after we broke up.

    I took the opportunity to go back to school and chose not to work at the strip club again — I want to move forward in all areas of my life. It was around the time school started that I found out about NPD and realized that my ex had this problem. I have been suffering from depression and PTSD symptoms since childhood but was not sexually or physically abused. Once I read about codependency and realized that I was raised by people with NPD (pressure to be perfect, which I tried to uphold until I rebelled at 17). No wonder I always feel “not good enough,” and have PTSD symptoms! I won’t go into specifically what they did but basically inconsistency, fits of rage over trivial things, severe invasion of privacy, wanting me to stay a child (that they could control) despite turning into a teenager.

    Now I feel trapped — I gave up everything for the NPD ex for two years and must let him go, and I am dependent upon my parents until school ends (soon) and I get a job again, and then I must let them go. It’s literally a codependent’s worst nightmare. lol I know I could have handled the break away from either my parents or the ex in isolation from one another (and I have broken up w my parents before but this time I’m informed and serious), but both at once…the person I lost everything over and the people who programmed me to be attracted to that and carry this intense self-hatred….I just don’t know how to move on and function and know what is right without a guide.

    • rachel@rachelmoore.net'
      Rachel
      November 26, 2012

      Also, I know that as a kid I had narcissistic tendencies as an overachiever but upon being humbled and pummeled by the real world in high school I changed and realized that the real way to stick it to my parents was by developing REAL EMPATHY. I always had intense empathy when I was a kid, but I stuffed it down because I was taught it was weak.

      I definitely still believe that I have introverted/covert narcissist or BPD tendencies as well. They say narcissists never change, but narcissists never want to change. I hope that my acknowledging I have been preprogrammed to think this way and cultivating awareness of the reasons behind the more narcissistic or destructive tendencies I’ve inherited that I have a shot at transformation.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 26, 2012

        Hi Rachel,

        thank you for your share….Please know there are solutions to heal, and that means we need to get out of understanding narcissism and not only analyse ‘where it came from for us’ – but also dedicate firmly to our self healing to reverse these defunct inner programs.

        Moving on and functioning happens after we make this commitment and not before – like going to the gym to lose weight…it truly is no different.

        Somewhere inside we have to say “I know this is a pattern, I know it hurts, and I have had enough. NOW I have to do something about it, what choice do I have?!”

        Only you can come to this decision. You may read how others have and what has worked for many (knowing there is a ‘way’ ) – but only you can choose when you have ‘had enough’ to try.

        We all have enough love and truth for ourselves one day to do this – because we need to be our own saviour…and we all can be.

        Oh yes you can change – anyone can if they truly want to – narcs don’t want to!

        Mel xo

  • rmfirefly77@yahoo.com'
    Rebecca Murtha
    November 28, 2012

    As I have mentioned. I have a degree in the Applied Science of Holistic Health and Fine Art. Starting twenty years ago I began to embark on a healing journey. Actually younger than that. At 15 years old I ased my mother to put me in therapy. I have done. 12 Step recovery. Therapy (many modes included ERP). Holistic Diet. Excercise. Healing through creating my art. Louise Hays. Acupuncture. I am a massge therapist/reflexologist thus getting massages. Hot Springs/ Sauna ACOA gosh the list is endless. My Quantum Healing session is not scheduled for a while so I looked on Youtube and I found Your healing videos. I am doing Louise Hays affirmations and in the style that you offer on your videos. Yes they have and do make a remarkeable differance. I have had NC with my narc parents. I contacted them on Thanksgiving. I have been in core emotional pain since. I am getting ready to do your healing excercises on Youtube. You are a miracle in my life Melanie…Thankyou from the botto of my heart. I have searched so long. Yes my inner indentity and true self is suffering after contact with my father. I am ready to go deeper and relieve this peptide loop before it starts another cycle. Just talking to my family I get deep pain at my essence self.

  • rmfirefly77@yahoo.com'
    Rebecca Murtha
    November 28, 2012

    forgive the typo I mean bottom of my heart…Truly Melanie…Thankyou.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 28, 2012

      Hi Rebecca,

      you are truly welcome, and I look forward to working with Q F Healing personally with you!

      Great you are already doing the work!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • adelebow@yahoo.co.uk'
    Carrie
    December 6, 2012

    With regard to the comment about N’s being able to move onto a new relationship very quickly, I too was hurt and dejected constantly by this, feeling as if I wasn’t ‘good enough’ ( A clear sign I needed to work on me :-))
    However I suddenly realised that anyone , N or not, who can move straight from one relationship to another either has no capacity to love to be able to ‘move on’ so quickly or has such a desperate need for admiration and adulation that it’s the only way they can survive. Either way it is no reflection on the person they have ‘forgotten’ but says more about them. Any ‘healthy’ person needs to grieve the loss of a relationship and heal before they can move on. Therefore it’s unlikely this relationship will be any more successful than previous ones.
    Whilst none of us need to grieve forever until the pain and loss are acknowledged and understood we are likely to carry forward all past pain to a new relationship.
    As N’s are unable to ever look at themselves, feel emotions, take responsibility etc: maybe that is why they need a new relationship and why it always ends up the same.
    Maybe that is another lesson we can learn from our experience?

  • send2bonnie@gmail.com'
    Denise
    December 10, 2012

    Melanie…

    I recently divorced from my narcisstic husband of 10 years. While dating, I questioned him about other women, but he always convinced me none of it was true. I would always question things he would say. I felt like he was lying, but he always convinced me otherwise. While in my presence, he was charming and loving. However, when we were away from each other, he was always trying to get attention from women; very flirtatious;made terrible financial decisions, never included me in any major decisions and the list goes on.

    The hardest part for me to understand is he was/is very active in our church. From the outside, he was this wonderful, caring husband but anyone that had personally had or has a close relationship with, knows how terrible he can be. He has four sons, and he talks bad about them, and is just down right ugly to them (and they are very good young men). Three of them has nothing to do with him.

    Three years ago, I found a prostitutes phone # in his wallet. It opened my eyes. I started opening my eyes and even went back and discovered he did have many affairs while we were engaged. I uncovered lie after lie. Some from the past, and some up to the moment. I made him move out of my house. (My home…his 3rd marriage, my 2nd). I told him he would need to admit his wrong-doings, and get counseling, and a few other things before I would consider him ever moving back. Which at that time I had already started counseling.

    Three years we were separated, but off and on I would “try” to make it work. He said he did not want another woman (and I wasn’t dating anyone) so we worked on our marriage. We went out for dinner, but had no (or very little physical contact). I know for a fact he wasnt living the life he said he was….again heard many stories, saw things myself, and discovered lies, lies, lies.

    Long story short, two weeks before our final court date for divorce, he decided to go to counseling. He has been faithful going to church and reading the bible. He has done some radical things, like not gong out to lunch to avoid being around women (he says to keep people from talking about him)…but overall he has made a turn around..but again right at the last moment.

    I did go ahead with divorce, telling him I wasn’t backing down, and if we decided to, we can always work on the marriage.

    Now, here I am….totally confused. Here the man has done terrible things to me, but yet I keep reminding myself of how good he IS trying. I know this is crazy….I don’t put up with anyone else treating me this way…only him.

    Please, what advice can you give to me? Do they ever really change, permanently? I am still in counseling, and just recently purchased your program…will be starting it soon.

    Thank you…

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    December 11, 2012

    Hi Denise, just a quick answer to your question while you are waiting for Mel to get back to you…
    The answer to whether they can change or get better is ‘not if they are true NPD’ and if they have Narc Traits, then it is possible but a lengthy process with their healing and they have to really want to genuinly get better by being accountable and take responsibility for their damaged self. Narcs live a false self so you would never really know if he was being genuine or not.
    As Mel has said countless times, it is critical to read ‘no contact’ and start immediately on healing you, empowering yourself to heal and to be prepared for your future.

    For me personally death was very close as my ex got much worse and the end when I left was horrific.
    I started with NARP straight away after I left and did QFH during the last couple of months with him, it prepared me greatly.
    Be careful with the not knowing and feeling confused, they will confuse you and very cleverly.
    When Narc injury is present you may see the real deal, the person they truly are, when they fear loosing everything (their supply). It won’t hold and will most likely be a hook to lower your boundary to stay with them.

    Listen to your instincts, don’t try to fix or help him as he will turn around and hurt you. Be safe.

    Jac ☺

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    December 11, 2012

    …oh and focusing on them feeds them valuable supply, even when not in the same room or when miles apart. It is a phenomina and so no contact, working with NARP is critical now. Focus on yourself and things will get much easier. Keep your light for you, don’t give it to him.
    X

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    December 11, 2012

    NARP will relax you, calm anxiety, clear the mind once you have a shift and you will feel different. I had a shift after the first module. It is amazing how empowered you become as well as the inner healing taking place on a level councelling just doesnt come close to doing. Be careful with talking with a councillor as talking feeds the addictions, giving it life, instead if clearing it.
    I wish you the best and everyone who is battling with Narc abuse. X

    • Send2bonnie@gmail.com'
      Denise
      December 28, 2012

      Thank you Jac. Sorry just now reading your comments but im glad i went back and searched for Mel’s response. I was looking forward to get her comments but so thankful for yours. It seems like i will be on the right track and then I totally fall off. I so hope this program will help me. I want free from this awful way of living.

      Thank you again!

      Denise

  • lauralou.bishop@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    January 17, 2013

    Is it fair to say, if I heal myself from the inside and work on me… the N won’t be a problem to deal with anymore, because you won’t be feeding him what he needs?

    Fixing the inside ultimately fixes the “outside” issues, and the n’s kind of go away… don’t they? Will they?

    • horseyak@earthlink.net'
      Laurie
      January 28, 2013

      They’re always looking for someone eager to give them what they want so if you stop doing that they will ultimately realize they have to feed elsewhere. But if you’ve been a good and long lasting sorce of supply it will be very hard for them to let go of you because in the same way you keep looking for him to go back to being the nice guy you thought he was when you met him, he’s continuously waiting for you to go back to the easy source of supply you were at the beginning. Also, narcissists collect people to make themselves look normal in the eyes of other people. So keeping you around makes them look human. Their personalities are rigid and fixed. The only changing that will get done is the change you initiate in yourself.

  • suzanne.keith.cr24@gmail.com'
    Suzanne Keith
    January 18, 2013

    The switching of personalities and the lack of awareness of one’s behavior in the other personalities often makes life chaotic for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Because the personalities often interact with each other, people with DID report hearing inner conversations and the voices of other personalities commenting on their behavior or addressing them. They experience distortion of time, with time lapses and amnesia. They have feelings of detachment from one’s self (depersonalization) and feelings that one’s surroundings are unreal (derealization). They often have concern with issues of control, both self-control and the control of others. In addition, people with Dissociative Identity Disorder tend to develop severe headaches or other bodily pain and may experience sexual dysfunction. Different clusters of symptoms occur at different times.

  • horseyak@earthlink.net'
    Laurie
    January 28, 2013

    I haven’t dated in a long time, but am dealing with narcissists in all walks of life and eliminating them and replacing them with nice people as nice people (rare!)_ appear. But, in reading your blog, it did trigger something important with regard to dating when I was dating. And that is, when I got the very first sign of abuse, and it was there as early as the making the first date on the phone, I did not listen to my instincts to end things right then and there. Instead I would call a girlfriend who inevitably would tell me I had to loosen up and go with the flow or I wouldn’t meet anyone. Or you can’t judge a book by its cover. Or give somebody a chance, for God’s sake. Okay, so you know where this story is going. Anyway, if I had to do it all over again, I would get out at the very first sign because these people never, ever get any better. That has been my biggest lesson. I remember one guy, after we’d made plans to meet for the first time on a Sunday for brunch, asked (during the phone call) if I would call him that morning and remind him about the date because sometimes he gets a brain fart. I refused to do this but, like a dummy, met him for brunch anyway after I told him he’d have to put up a Post-It and remind himself.
    Of course he was an a-hole, but a very smart and charming one too. But who needed to go here at all? In retrospect, I realized the request was a test to see how much he could dominate me. How good of a willing victim I’d make. So glad those guys are in my past.

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    February 7, 2013

    Dear Melani,

    Thank you for your shared wisdom. I needed to hear the 90/10 rule!

    I don’t really know (or care) for sure if my spouse is a N.; he has been emotionally abusive to our kids and I… that is more than enough! I discovered unconscious beliefs in myself that I didn’t deserve to be loved, and some other pernicious ones, and released them in part through the theta system. I think something I need to continue working on is Acceptance… You have a beautiful statement to help heal: What can I do to help myself feel better?

    Also your talks on brain chemitry – utterly fascinating, and really helpful to stop the obsessing over the reltionship. My top goals: make sure my kids and I are safe and that we know we are safe, and feel safe.

    Shortly after going deep into reclaiming and healing my wounded parts, my spouse and I separated. This wasn’t precisely planned by me, it just happened(not to say it was easy, but it happened and I am rediscovering great joy in life.) The kids and I are working on our own healing, and living together in an abuse free environment. How about that? 🙂

    My heart feels free and It feels like I’m coming home to myself 🙂 I feel trust in the universe that there is a healing pocess playing out here, althouhg I don’t see the whole picture from where I am sitting just now. Does that make sense? My spiritual guidance is that as the kids and I heal our path will open and become more clear.

    Thnk you for your help along this journey! I am so glad to have found your work.

    Blessings to you –

    Val

  • lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon Lee
    April 27, 2013

    Melanie, it seems that your blogs are timely for me and I have just fully understood how focussed I was still on my soon to be ex husbands narcissism. I think it was trying to understand and come to terms with the illlusion of the love I thought I had. It was really trying to understand my addiction and brainwashing. Now I know I’m co dependent through to my core, I see myself and therefore can see my whole history. It’s a raw feeling but it’s liberating and almost spiritual to feel I can can release the neediness and my not enoughness and truly love myself for the first time. I love my children bt I never understood until now how I never truly loved myself. ‘ I get it’ finally. Thank you so much. Sharon

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    May 16, 2013

    I agree with everything! Excellent post and very well said!!
    But Melanie- how do you balance being at peace, open and willing to have intimacy and be connected with people- without having to be hyper vigilant that you will be hurt again, or if not hyper vigilant then at least walking through life without having to run a mental rolodex through your mind of how such and such behavior was or was not NPD or NPD-like? That balance is so hard to master!
    The awareness that you could be hurt again and how to know when has to be there (the knowing) to protect yourself otherwise you are wide open to having your boundaries crossed in a painful way that can injure the soul. In fact I feel my greatest soul injuries have happened when I have simply been myself and feel the past was detatched from my present but the same thing happened. I know we can say- “well the past was not dealt with then if it keeps coming in to your life”- but what if it is just crappy luck and NPDs just pick you, because you ARE so happy and peaceful they target you???????

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2013

      Hi NPD Thoughts,

      when you are healed and whole you back yourself, speak up and trust your intuition – you are not vulnerable, and therefore can be open and in your power…in fact that is the only way to be in your power.

      It is not just crappy luck – Energetic Law does not work like that (random). Work on your inner self through NARP or some other way and you will know what I mean…

      Mel xo

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    May 16, 2013

    You are awesome and an incredible gift Melanie. I am so glad I came across your blogs. You are a light in this world!!!

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    May 16, 2013

    Oh- I want to add I think I may be on a good path in doing what you reminded me to do above. I spent a lot of time researching NPD and related articles, read books, etc. The I started to feel like, okay I know what NPD and behavior like it is. But what about love? I started to really think about what love actually is, does and feels like. Amd now, since that is my focus, I find myself out and about during the day, thinking about what love is and looks like, and …oh! see how that person held the door open for that elderly person? That’s love…and oh…see how that person said “it’s okay, no problem”, when the other person apologized- that’s love too….then I started to gather these examples which led me to see them more often because it was easy to spot and find. It was like deciding to buy a red 4 door car then all of a sudden seeing nothing but red 4 door cars everywhere. Then I started to see more examples of it. Maybe I was attracting more of it into my life, maybe it was there all along. But some days love examples just jumped out at me, like when you stare at an optical illusion and finally the thing you could not see stands out more than the other thing which was the only thing you could see before instead! So now, in addition to being aware of love around me and in this world, I am now focusing on love within me and between myself and the world and others. Not just what comes to be but what goes out. I kept a gratitude journal before like Oprah once suggested, but being grateful is not a new concept, it is woven into the fabric of most spiritual practices. So Journal and prayer helps- being thankful for every gift, including the ones you have an opportunity to give away. Today in my Journal, I wrote how I came across this blog and how neat it was to get a response from you even though you are in Australia. It was like a pre teen getting Justin Beiber to reply on twitter! But the negative thoughts associated with my experience are still there like a weight I still have to drag around. It is like any temptation- like chocolate cake on your counter when you know you are counting calories. I don;t want will power over the temptation (the chocolate cake, the NPDs in the past, present or future), I want the item to have no power whatsoever so i don;t have to have or use willpower- sheer will takes my focus and every away. I want to see the person or experience or situation like “huh, that has nothing to do with me” and continue to enjoy another gift of the day given.

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    May 16, 2013

    *what comes to me (not be), above

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    May 16, 2013

    *takes my focus and energy (not every) away
    …sorry, I will spell check next time

  • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
    Sarah
    May 20, 2013

    I have been devalued and discarded. I absolutely understand that I have spent 20 years loving someone who is incapable of love. I understand I am modelling unhealthy patterns to my children

    So why do I still feel sorry for him? Why do I protect him from the consequences of his own behaviour? Why am compelled to suffer, to take the hits, because he would be so much worse off without me?

  • Suz721chickens@yahoo.com'
    Sadie
    June 9, 2013

    Mel, Thanks to you I have come to respect why “understanding” narcissism offers no relief of suffering. It makes such beautiful and simple sense. Just like “understanding” that it’s the weight of the piano that makes it hurt when it’s dropped on your head doesn’t keep your head from throbbing 🙂

    This has unstuck me from a sad place that I have been in for over a decade (This being when I finally learned there was a name for the crap I was experiencing and began my quest to research the topic unto death).

    I have had no contact with my horribly narcissistic mother for 10+ years but felt that cutting contact, while being a wonderful relief, hadn’t dealt with the core of my pain or my part in my own suffering. Now I understand why.

    I have been working your program and feel clearer and stronger than I have in a very long time, if ever.

    The other freeing lesson you have given me is that I do not have to be “certain” that someone else in my life falls under the label of narcissist in order to detach from their toxic behavior. Something that I have also been struggling with for far too long.

    Thank you for helping me get closer to my long held desire to become my true authentic self.

  • nerissagroenewoud@hotmail.com'
    NG
    July 22, 2013

    HI Mel,
    I have been reading many of your blogs and have found many similarities with my situation – too many to ignore. I am sure that my ex of 20 months was a sociopath/narcissist except one thing. The devaluing was not intense, bad or for long. I think in part this was because i was slightly impervious to it, but I also think there are other factors as well. His devaluing happened over a very short period of time (1 month out from D Day, a little – then the last 2 weeks a lot – both times we broke up)But I didn’t let it effect me. When he said he didn’t adore me anymore, I told him to figure it out. I didn’t break down. Not like the first time 1 year before when i was miscarrying our child and he dumped me at the hospital and i begged him not to leave me(he ended up not breaking it off but told me he was never going to change and i had too). And the last time we broke up and i move out 6 months ago when i had no job and ran out of money and was so low, in part because he was berating me and lowering my self esteem and when he started the “i don’t know if i love you” i left – i think that shocked him. (He convinced me that he was sorry and took him back 5 weeks later but never really trusted him again) I am also the first proper girlfriend after his divorce from his 20 year partnership. she, by the way, tried to kill herself and the kids twice and is still completely attached to him. When we first met i believed his “crazy ex/poor him” stories. Now i know better. that poor woman. I also know now that he had not moved out from her 8 months prior to meeting me as he had said but in fact 4 weeks after meeting me.

    Anyway, my point is that I agree with the healing myself and I am focusing on that, but my issue is that because the devaluing was so short a period of time but the discard was so intense, I am having trouble with the believing that he is a narc. That he is this monster. Therefore the continuous reading and obsessing over these sights helps me understand.
    Yes he immediately replaced me, yes there were so many red flags i ignored. yes he has no friends – at all! Yes he lied to me about some pretty major things. Yes he thinks he is better than most. yes he has no respect for his mother or anyone really. Yes he blames everyone else for anything that goes wrong. Yes he went psycho when i moved out 2 days earlier than he was expecting under his nose even though he dumped me, then believed it was my fault he keyed my car and threatened him because of the way i treated him by moving out early. Yes he has to keep moving and doing stuff and have whatever he wants he has to have immediately. Yes he was selfish and had to do everything that he wanted. Yes he went straight back on internet dating the day we broke up and had replaced me in 2 weeks. Yes i somehow ended up with no money even though he earned three times my wage. And yes he has completely and utterly discarded me while i was on IVF and have heard nothing from him in 4 weeks (we broke up 6 weeks ago)But i just struggle so much with realizing that he is not who i thought he was. The idealization stage lasted a long time both times.

    I am definitely going to grow from this and fix what is inside me. Which is a feeling of worthlessness amongst others so that i attract only the right man in the future. however, i still struggle accepting that he was this DH. When everything that he showed me until the end was everything and more than i ever dreamed.

  • greglizwhite@aol.com'
    Liz White
    August 22, 2013

    Wow, excellent article which will help me tremendously. Thanks

  • kujojollee@yahoo.com'
    cheryl
    April 13, 2014

    Hi, I’m new @this site. SO GLAD to find u. I feel better already by just reading the 1st few emails. I’ve done alot of research. This article about healing my inner self is a big “eye opener”. I look forward to material & maybe for the 1st time in my life I can truely heal. Thank you, Melanie & bloggers.

  • jcphan2@outlook.com'
    sheila
    May 12, 2014

    hello! my story is similar to everyone who deals / dealt
    with abuse. i cannot decide if my husband is anarcissistic abuser or not. i know that he is abusive. I was married to him 44 years until he was arrested for domestic violence nov 2013″ and i refused his two word apology and would not let him come home so i have been living peacefully for 6 months with modified No Contact. whenever i do see him all the pain and sadness returns. i had to leave our church because the pastor believed his lies in spite of all the evidence and my pouring my heart out in sobbing anguish. now my husband is foolingeveryone in church with his blatant hypocrisy, his lack of repentence, and lies about me! my pastor did not hold him accountable, instead he believed the smear campaign of my ex! iam very disullusioned with church, pastors, counselors who instead of helping me heal from ptsd they sought to get us reconciled! what a FARCE! what a lack of wisdom! my MD sent me for help with ptsd, anxiety, depression.
    i eventually found two wonderful malecounselors…both told me to establish no contact and to get a divorce. i am atill pursuing my own healing, but am stuck in thisplace of shock, pain, etc. can anyone help me? sheila

  • nbgirl510@yahoo.com'
    Patty
    May 11, 2015

    Melanie, I want to start out by saying i have been doing alot of your readings and learning about Narcissism abuse,they have been so helpful but to me on one stage, the NO CONTACT. I just got out of a 5 year relationship with one. Its been so HARD for me cause i have been so alone and have no family where I live, i re gained my friends back that the Narc took away from me over the last 5 years. I doing all i can for self help, i have good days and bad days, and it been since Feb 8th this yr, was the last i saw him but i really ended it Nov 24th of last yr. It was always me wanting him back, and it was truly due to my loneliness with no family at all. I finally got some of my friends back in my life and have today been trying all they can give. But its hard he has given me the silent treatment now since Feb, and I know he has already picked his next victim for abuse. I know i need to be happy he has not called me or even made his try to come back cause i have seen and heard that all his ex in his life he already has contacted to become friends again with and want them to accept him back but one of his ex GF said she will never be with him ever again it took her a very long time to move on but she told me to stay STRONG and do not allow him back again, he only wants someone to support him and take care of him and his 2nd ex wife she opened the door for friendship for him after she was just in her 3rd relationship with another Narc.
    What i desperately need to know Melanie is HOW do I do the NO CONTACT. PLEASE I NEED HELP ON THIS ASPECT TO LETTING GO. I go for a few weeks and call him, I do have him blocked and he has me blocked as well. Im sure with hi getting his fix right now is one reason why he is doing the silent treatment to me and when he doesn’t get what he wants from it them he will then start to reach out to me. But my major part is i cant stop the NO CONTACT , i need ways methods of knowing how to do this.
    I know inside i dont want him i want reason why he cheated for so long on me what he lied so much to me and use me and took full advantage of me and why he used me for pity cause he knew had no family or friends and my friends he took away from me, which i allow it to happen.
    I am 53 and he is 52 and dating these days at this age is extremely hard, even for me, as i am scared to allow it to happen again, and dont want it to ever happen again. I myself have alot to offer a good man but he doesnt have anything to offer anyone, he lives in a garage and has more debt then he can ever pay for in his life, he just went back to work in Dec 2014 cause for 2 yrs before he was on Unemployment and here i was caring for him and supporting him and then he became sober and as soon as he became sober and started AA he would never invite me to meetings or to get involved to learn about it AA program. The reason for this was i found out he had met someone there and had been seeing her for the entire yr after he became sober. Once I found this out i finally cut my ties with him.
    I have read so many of your readings and getting local help has helped me and saved me alot from going into depression mode.
    I just want and need ideas HOW TO STOP and not have zero contact. I dont know how. I know I can and I will have a loving man once again but i know me as my inner self is not ready, maybe cause i cant get over the painful words i was told daily, the lying,the cheating. taking my money, I cant imagine how a human can live with themselves like this on daily bases, Its a very very sick person, I am very happy today that i am not the one dealing or putting up with this crap any longer and dont have to support someone who i know never ever loved me ever and was never thankful or grateful at all for all i did do for him.

    PLEASE HELP ME GET THOUGH THE NO CONTACT STAGE I CANT DO IT….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 11, 2015

      Hi Patty,

      please know it is very hard for me to reply to blog comments on previous blogs as opposed to my latest one.

      There are just not enough hours in the day.

      I did hear see your cry for help though.

      Patty this is what my resources are about – to help you with this.

      There is so much more in here than I can even hope to cover in a blog reply – and truly it is not “that” simple.

      Please start here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted

      Also tomorrow is my Webinar – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      These two steps will help you.

      Mel xo

  • cicibabbitt@gmail.com'
    Invisiblonde
    November 20, 2015

    I am soaking this up like someone who’s been lost in the desert.

    Thank you for giving me EXACTLY what I need to get over that last (I hope!) hump.

  • cschneider15@cogeco.ca'
    Cindy
    January 30, 2016

    I’m at the point where I’m ready to accept that I’m not meant to be happy in a relationship. I’m almost 45 and feeling pretty lost right now. My ex bf has a lot of narcissistic qualities, my ex husband was also a narcissist. My 3 year relationship ended almost a year ago with my ex bf. Been off and on since. His friends also see he has issues. I know the mistakes I made in the relationship and need to work on changing that with any future relationship but honestly I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes.

  • ganymedesasventure@gmail.com'
    Stricken
    May 16, 2016

    I am not coping well. I was married to my dream hubbie for 25 when he began to treat me in ways that the word “games” would pop into my mind. I dismissed this as impossible of my sweetest love! I had gotten sick and, where before my life revolved around him, now his life came to a standstill and I was the one in need. It happened pretty textbook after that. He slowly broke me down to where I thought he was better off without me on this plant. That failed! Not for lack of trying, but I am still here. Then he began disappearing for walks and I had no way to find him. He was so depressed, the first time he disappeared I called the police once I noticed he was gone — no phone, wallet, or keys. I was beside myself. When he arrived home the police treated it like a domestic — but we had been happy so I could not relate to what they were implying. They were wrong! But they were not. Within months I found myself being thrashed and body slammed violently. I was so confused and very distressed. I could not sleep for nights and he got tired of my tears yelling at me and finally banishing me to another room — so he could rest. And that I should go in to a care home because he had caregiver fatigue…. but I was better than when I was really ill and he was no longer working. There should be no problem, but there was. Soon it began in earnest and he tore down everything I was. He let me know he wanted to leave me at the alter, tried to sleep with my best friend the day before our wedding — and for the next 3-1/2 years, critical years I thought my love was growing. He said she was the only real pass he made but that he fantasized about every women in my life through all the years we were together!! My sweet gentle man, who I adored and wanted to become a better person for … I could not deal with it. All of a sudden I had police being called to my home with some frequency and a women’s shelter in my future. We have settled a bit but only after many false promises and even renewing vows. He acts like someone I don’t know and his violence eventually brought my rage out — how could he do this? I got MAD! I have lost the plot and slap him now, punch him in the chest and break things. I am not my self at all! He goes between being done and wanting us to make it work. Last night he seduced me and we had sex for the first time in 6 months (we go YEARS without it), he started withholding at the very beginning of our relationship and completely managed down ALL my expectations. Christmas was too hard, because of the stress of gift giving and so on. Everything I read says “RUN!!!!” but I have true love and we had a gentle, happy and loving marriage (so I thought), now I have no idea what to do except I am not well and he is my fulltime carer… and as is typical, I am isolated from everyone and have no family or friends to turn to. We were together 24/7 for over 27 years and he was/is all I have.

    • keithworkman7@gmail.com'
      Keith Workman
      July 2, 2016

      Stricken,

      Study, read and practice here using NARP. It will not only become clear, you will become better.

      Keith

  • keithworkman7@gmail.com'
    Keith Workman
    July 2, 2016

    Melanie and other interested students of change:

    Your writings are like wings lifting me. My very first exposure to your website was a healing experience. The 3hr webinar another gift of renewal. Now, I daily receive invaluable, pointed emails from you that are specific, elaborate, well composed, researched, and timely answers to questions as they arise in my quest for the better version of myself. This article is one of several references in your discussion about the 4 traps of recovery from N-abuse.

    My 4th of July Freedom celebration will be a 3 day solitude with NARP. I have used your NARP modules on 3 previous occasions, the last an all day, 7 hour session, which I invested in myself because I found every minute I have spent with your resources to be perhaps THE most valuable time in my 63 yrs of living. Soooo much is being revealed and moreover HEALED.

    I fully endorse and know by experience that these methods are real and that inner healing is accomplished incredibly fast, that the other party to my prior relationship or whoever may have been cause for one’s arrival here is completely irrelevant to what happens next for me. It is evident to me that the past has little value for me beyond being a place to discover why that was NOT me in the storyline, rather someone that looked like me.

    I am delighted to know I now have in my hands the tools to discover the person I have long loved the most …. Me. I am looking forward to meeting myself in the not distant future.

    Thank you for your generous, unparalleled gift MTE. I have not seen such compassion and generosity to well being with such profound significance. Thank you for your exemplary work.

    Kindest regards and gratitude.
    Keith

  • christine.nadon@gmail.com'
    Christine N
    September 3, 2016

    I broke up with a narc. The “relationship” lasted 5 years.

    I went through every form of abuse, mental, emotional, etc.

    Once two months out of it, I dated this lovely girl, and I trusted myself that despite the break up being so… raw, that I would be able to spot and avoid narcs in the future.

    I was right, and am really proud of myself, for putting myself as #1 in any relationship. This new girl, J, had a best friend who also happens to be her ex. She was 7 years younger than me. She couldn’t see that her best friend was a NARC, and that his behavior was unwholly unacceptable to me. I explained this to her, and only found her making excuses for this person in her life.

    I also knew, that because she accepted behavior from this “friend” of hers, she would ALLOW drama and negativity to continue to permeate her relationships. Her friends and family were all loving and accepting. I know it was not so much her red flags I saw, as it was her best friends’ flags.

    I extricated myself from the relationship, explaining that I would NOT allow that destructive and disgusting behavior to continue. Even her best friend MESSAGED me to say I had HIS fucking blessing, and that he KNEW he was an asshole, and that HE would back off. All this swirling around in my mind, and all I could think of replying was, YES! You are a negative influence in her life, yes you should have had your shit together when the relationship started getting more serious, and three, I didn’t need his fucking blessing to be in a relationship with his fucking friend. What the hell did he think he was? Her father?!

    Anywho, all this to say that, yes, you can research the shit out of everything to do with Narcissism, BUT if you don’t apply it, and you don’t USE your gut instinct…

    Oh! Also, to add, that not even TWO months in… She said I love you…

    Narcs say I love you…. WAY too soon in a relationship. It’s meant to snag you in their web. I really like this girl, J, but NOT enough to tolerate more bullshit from the best friend. Not to mention the death threats, and the name calling…. Never to my face, because they are HYPOCRITES!

  • Noemail@email.com'
    Victim
    December 18, 2016

    Hahaha! What a bunch of pseudo self agrandizing shit. The author is a narcissist! Haha!
    People. It’s simple. Don’t associate with people who are manipulators. If you sense a bad vibe. Get out early.
    My Golly!
    Being really trapped by a narcissist happens after marriage, children and tens of thousands of dollars of legal fees.
    This tripe cannot save you.

  • amackins14@gmail.com'
    Ann Mackins
    March 13, 2017

    Hello, I am struggling with a narcissistic husband. He leaves for days at a time and then wants to come back as if he never was gone. He left the first time for about 2 years and came back begging to make the marriage work. Now it’s been about 8 months and he’s gone again. He left some clothes here and I asked him to return the key and pick up his clothes but he hasn’t showed up yet. He lost his dad about 2weeks ago and at the funeral he didn’t want me with him and he didn’t want me to go to the burial. I think I am struggling with hating I married him 5year’s ago, because I did see some signs but I
    really loved him and wanted to be his wife. Now I continue to beat myself up for marrying him. I have began No Contact and I will continue it. I just want to be free from him. It doesn’t hurt as much this time because I have dI’d my research. I just want him out of my life forever.

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    March 18, 2017

    hi yes i have been looping in wat he has done ,the more i look at it the more i find ..the more I’m in victim..iam wearing out my friends and my life ..i am stuck in property battles ,as my narc will not motivate anything and has me where it suits him at the moment his new supply is working well for him ,but he has got me in a holding pattern ..my life feels stuck in the mud and i struggle for air …

  • anais.bruneau@gmail.com'
    ANAIS BRUNEAU
    October 3, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    This article like all the other ones are very interesting thanks.
    I just broke up with my Narcissist two months earlier.
    It is super hard because i love him.
    But all these articles bring me now to a question which actually starts to make me sick, it is about justice and karma.
    I am very serious, not so much people as about this, and what i see for the moment is just freaky, it’s like they re just so blessed (narcissists).
    Do you believe narcissists will get back in their lifes the bad they gave to people?
    I know i should not focus on this but i really need to know because for the moment what i see is that they automatically have all the time a new supplu, so again love, joy, amazing sex, etc..they have great relationships in general with their families, children, social life, friends, people admire and love them because they re so charming and nobody knows their shadows…so i don’t find they get back the reap the evil they sowed..
    You see what i mean, i find the Universe reward them at the contrary, and this i don t understand and make me lose faith actually, they lie, cheat, can be violent but they always are surrounded by women beautiful, empathetic, devoted, sexy, nice relationships etc..they re always lucky !

    is there a justice or a karma? i don’t see it for those men

    What is your experience?

    I really hope you can answer me because it really cost me energy and doesn t help me to recover
    Because those interrogations really make me lose faith.

    Thank you !

  • jeangentry@rstarmail.com'
    Jean Gentry
    January 7, 2019

    Thank you. I have been very proud of myself for doing certain things that you or other sites have recommended instinctually. I recently removed myself from a relationship with a friend of 15 years. Before I did that I grey rocked them so that I didn’t have to listen to a 15-minute lecture instead of a 2-minute opinion on whatever the topic. Anyway, I learned everything I could possibly learn about narcissism after I realized my friend is a narcissist. Then, I continued to read as much as I could telling myself that I needed to remind myself why I shouldn’t respond to or initiate contact with this person. I also wrote down the following: The question isn’t why was my friend abusive? The question is why did I stay in an abusive relationship for so long? So I pride myself on my good instincts. LOL They are there, but obviously, if I don’t put the focus on myself and get more in touch with what put me there in the first place, I realize I will continue attracting narcissistic people. I DO NOT WANT THAT! So thank you for talking about the 90/10 rule. Spot on!

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