Most, if not all, of us who have been abused find that as we heal, we become aware that our entire lives have been blighted by things like people-pleasing, perfectionism and procrastination. We have a lack of boundaries with other people and become easily enmeshed with them, yet we are unable to create truly intimate relationships with others where we receive love as well as give it.

There is one factor that drives all of this – toxic shame.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I explain how toxic shame underlies so many of our painful patterns, and how to break free of its shackles. I also update you on two upcoming Live events which can set that healing in motion.



Video Transcript

Welcome dear Thriver to Thriver TV – my YouTube channel which empowers you to not only survive narcissistic abuse, but also to thrive after it.

Today I want to talk about a dynamite topic, toxic shame, because it affects virtually everybody after disappointing, painful and narcissistic relationships.

But before I get started, I just want to remind you to like my videos, hit the subscribe button, and if you love my content, please share it with others so that they can know it is possible to heal for real from narcissistic relationships.


What Is Toxic Shame?

Recently I shared with you the topics of ‘Abuse and Addictions’, and ‘Breaking Painful Patterns’. Now I want to get down to the core of where this all comes from.

It’s toxic shame.

This is our tendency to blame ourselves and feel that we’re unworthy, defective, bad or wrong, and unacceptable.

Toxic shame is an insidious trigger and when it goes off, it feels shocking. It feels so terrible that we want to curl up, hide and remove ourselves from participating in life. It has us despising ourselves and to survive these feelings we may take on all sorts of behaviors to try to avoid the shame and cover it up.

But it lingers. It can destroy our day, week, month, or our whole life.

I think we can all agree that toxic shame is one of the worst human emotions we experience.


Where Does Toxic Shame Come From?

So why do we have toxic shame triggers? It’s because our human programming has been designed this way.

It’s a powerful delusion that’s been perpetuated on humankind – that you’re small, wrong, carnal, dirty, disgusting – and you are scapegoated for all that is apparently wrong. You are even told that you are a blight on the planet, that you’re a literal virus.

Nothing could be further from the truth, because Who You Really Are is a fractal of Source / God / Creation – whatever name you want to grant to a higher power that is responsible for everything that we see as life force.

You are a part of divine ultimate creation and love, which wants to glorify itself through you as you. You only have to know that you are worthy of such love, ultimate life force and wellbeing. You do not have to earn it, win it or pay to get it. It is yours simply because you exist and you are unconditionally loved and accepted by All That Is.

The grand lie of separation is that you and Creator are separated and are not conjoined in oneness – that you are not love or expanded and you are not made in the likeness and the image of the ultimate higher power.

The fact is you are, which means not only resembling Creation itself, but also having the identical capacity. It was said you would do even greater things than I can do.

This belief has separated you from Source and had you feeling out on your own, forsaken, terrorised, needy, empty and therefore highly susceptible to the lie. The collective not only makes you feel even worse about yourself, but also offers up all sorts of outer fixes to make you feel better – and of course these fixes don’t work.

False Sources come into your life, appearing to be your saviour, when they are really your punisher. Enter narcissistic people, stage left, on a collective or personal level. These are damaged people, so deeply disconnected from Source that they are in their primitive brain function and the survival mechanisms of ‘me versus you’.

These survival mechanisms and the beta brainwave of ego create intense competition for resources. Narcissists believe “I am the God of my universe”. They are attached the small logical brain which is not in unity with supreme consciousness. They operate from a lower frequency of fear, control, lack, and separation from the compassion and truth of Oneness. They see others as mere objects to manipulate in order to get their share of the goodies. That’s what narcissistic consciousness is.

When we have unresolved toxic shame – when we have not as yet ascended to knowing who we really are – then we draw the situations, people and self-sabotages to us which manufacture even more toxic shame. This becomes a vicious cycle of failure, exposing our weaknesses and our self- hatred. It keeps the powerful inner programs of toxic shame going.

Be very clear – whenever you feel an intense trigger but do not go within to heal it, then you’re just going to sign up for more of the same, because you are a powerful creator. Whatever is going on in your inner emotional universe is exactly what is going to be reflected in your outer universe. That’s how our life works here.


The Effects of Toxic Shame

So what are the effects of toxic shame? There are many and they’re very painful.

First of all, you’re going to be emotionally unavailable to others because you will have a fear of getting close.

True intimacy is not about getting naked with people. Anybody can do that and still be wearing invisible layers of falseness, image control and pretences whilst doing it.

True nakedness is into-me-see – being visible, vulnerable, and real.

With toxic shame, we don’t have the ability to show our true self, draw other authentic people to us or share real communion. To do that, we have to be able to meet, hold and heal every part of ourselves, including our shadows. The darkest of which is our toxic shame.

Toxic shame can be attached to perfectionism.

With perfectionism, if there’s any possibility of failure at all, you simply can’t risk being seen or expanding into the contributions, the gifts and the divine calling that you have to share with this world. You don’t shine and you can’t accept any possible setback or learning curve. You are not vibrating at the level of higher understanding that when things go wrong, they’re happening for you, not to you. They are calling you forth into a greater focus, inner guidance and hearing the call towards the right direction and therefore success. So-called mistakes are needed for that.

Or maybe you hide or get so focused onto doing one single task perfectly, that you get bogged down, sidelined and forgo every other new expansion in your life. All because you can’t live up to some impossible standard that can never be reached. This is a life wasted. This is the mission of your soul being untapped and unrealized.

Toxic shame is also the reason you may take the blame, forfeit your rights, over-apologize and forgive others far too easily. It’s not possible to take a stand for your values when you feel wrong, bad, and responsible for everything and everyone. Sadly, the outcome of this is that you are never noticed, respected, honoured, supported, or truly loved by others.


Healing Toxic Shame

When my wonderful MTE team and I discussed this topic this morning, it was a consensus that many Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program members begin by working their NARP modules to clear inner trauma about the narcissist, but as they go deeper into the healing of their core, they discover that this leads to the necessity to face, hold, let go and go free from their inner toxic shame. We found exactly the same in our own personal healing journeys.

Once toxic shame is released, there’s incredible healing, a resurrection of self, and the ultimate true returning to Love and Source. This is the coming home to ourselves – our own wholeness, peace and love. It is the connection to our higher power because it is the super-conscious truth of ourselves. It’s who we really are.

The issue of toxic shame is not a psychological disorder, it’s a spiritual one.

You can’t learn your way out of toxic shame. That would take lifetimes. It requires Quantum healing, which is effective, energetic, inner self-healing. It shifts you within your core being.


In Conclusion

If what I’ve said today – on this very important topic that affects us all – resonates with you, then click here to look into the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. This will create your recovery not only from abuse, but also from toxic shame.

I also have two upcoming live events.

I recently launched my Manifesting 5D Love Relationships Event, to help you create conscious love and find your tribe. There’s been an enormous global uptake of this event from our members worldwide, understandably, because real love is what we all want.

Today I want to tell you about my brand new ‘Freedom from Relationship Trauma and Toxic People’ 4-hour Workshop.

This is my most comprehensive one-off workshop ever. During this Live interactive session you will receive Quantum tools and guidance that will enable you to powerfully shift out of shame and fear, organically resolving the abuse trauma and painful patterns that are currently holding you back.

Whether you have yet to try my Quanta Freedom Healing, or whether you are a seasoned NARPer and Thriver, you won’t want to miss my latest discoveries – or the power of us joining together in a healing.

With a lavish personal workbook, and a workshop recording to keep, you will be able to return to these deep understandings and healing again and again, as a lifetime resource.

So be sure to click this ‘Freedom from Relationship Trauma and Toxic People’ workshop link to let go of shame and toxic relationships, and break free to create truly healthy ones.

Please share this resource with those you care about, because it relates to us all. Our world needs to understand the truth of toxic shame, to heal from it.

I hope you enjoyed this – let me know below – and until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there truly is nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

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Commments (11) + Leave a comments

11 thoughts on “Toxic Shame and Trauma: How Are They Linked?

  1. Dear Melanie!
    Thank you for another wonderful, amazing and full of insight article! This article really hit home today!

    The narcissists (past and present) incessant shaming of me, calling me stupid, criticizing me in many and in multiple ways caused me to periodically revert, on occasions, to what my therapist referred to as a state of “infantile/age regression“…

    I literally “lived” in that state experiencing terrifying fear and anxiety on too many occasions…

    So often all I wanted to do was run and hide!

    NARP has helped me to overcomes some of this fear and terror but it still happens!

    I’ve been bombarded quite a bit recently by the narcissist so I’m a little bit on edge with this whole topic although what you have explained here is very helpful!

    Your commentary here is sooo helpful, Melanie! I loved your reference to something higher and Spiritual in our Healing Journey! That always resonates with me when you refer to our work on ourselves in a, as I understand it, spiritual way!

    I would love to hear what you think is a good module to go to for toxic shame…

    Thank you so much for posting this for all of us! This topic is something I really needed to hear!

    Many blessings to you, Melanie! Thank you so much for everything and all your constant guidance and help….

    Much love!

    1. Hi Peter,

      please know how welcome you are!

      For any feeling that is awful such as shame – that you wish to target – I would recommend Module 1 – setting the intention “I am targeting the truth in my body generating shame” – or use the same intention with the Source Healing and Resolution Module “I’m resolving my internal shame”, or you could use the Goal Setting Module setting the goal “I am free from Shame to be filled with my Divine Self-loving and Self-accepting Self – and then clear all trauma (really diligently) so that if using module 1 there are no more internal “twangs” on “shame”. Or with SH and R or Goal Setting Module, you can muscle test (or intuit) to a 10/10 result.

      As with all internal skirmishes that you are cleaning up Quantumly, keep checking in to see if anything more has arisen and keep cleaning it out until it just doesn’t exist!

      I hope that this helps!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

      1. Dear Melanie!
        Thank you so very much for your wonderful detailed answer! 😌
        This will be challenging but I’m ready for the challenge! 🔥
        Thank you so much, Melanie!

  2. Thank You Once Again Melanie…

    Your writings come exactly in time with my present experiences..:

    It’s not what others have said and done…say and do…there is a selfishness in human nature.
    It was what I said (wrongly) about myself…Arg! That did the damage…I wounded myself…
    No, what “they” did was wrong…ultimately it is their problem…not mine…

    All the pain that narcissists, their trickery…which I experience as pain…is simply MY PAIN, My self inflicted Trauma…which needed, which needs to come out!

    It has…I am free…

    I own “my part”…not their part…or anyone else’s!

    This grants me “space”…I grant them space to work out there part…
    Forgiveness is Amazing!
    I have now forgiven Myself…I made mistakes…I didn’t know better…

    The Truth about Me…I know Who…and What I am…I need no one’s approval…to Be Me…except God/Source…which derives my own approval…

    I am not better “than”…just better “at” many things…easy to acknowledge those things others are better “at” than I am…and have a healthy, respectful exchange…
    Love everyone because we are no different…I don’t have to like…agree or support…

    I certainly am not responsible for the mess “you” made of your life…attitude..:

    I made my own…and through Grace…I am cleaning it up!

    I am you…and you are me…in God/Source…

    What a Glorious Life…to love and like myself…even though…I make plenty of mistakes…I learn from them…

    I hear your stories and Wisdom Melanie…
    I am Extremely Grateful…


    1. Hi James,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Thank you for sharing your amazing wisdom James.

      It really powerful!

      I am eternally grateful we all get to share astounding life truths and inspiration here!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  3. Hi Mel,

    This may be the “Ravine” I need to jump over – Forgiving myself and acknowledging I am worthy.

    Thank you. Looking forward to the upcoming workshops.

    Mary Ellen

  4. I’m soo feeling the ‘ravine’ comment, thanks Mary Ellen. I feel like I am in it. Like I am pulling the deep dark demons out of me and they don’t want to go, they are clever. I am trying to keep it simple though, with many rounds of “I am the light. I am love in infinite abundance. God is Great.” Recently this statement hits me like i’m lying to myself but i’m still holding on to the Truth of Love and Light by a thread. A lifetime of N abuse and right now I feel like I’m finding the junction of the soul-contracts that made me choose ‘them’ over ‘me for my perceived survival.’ Trying to love this 5 year old as such…instead of hating the person she became. I’m feeling, believing more light than I could yesterday. More capable of loving this part of myself that made a mistake. More capable of loving this part back to wholeness. Hoping and praying that it will work, and that my faith and trust increases to make it easier. Trying to let go of thinking I can ‘fix’ things so everything will be ok. My inner 5 year old was thinking about everyone, not just herself. I really respect that about her. She wanted a healthy team. But now it’s time to let go, and let God sort it all out. And no one can place blame on me for what is broken because it was never my place to ‘fix’ it. It can be that simple. It is much more simple than I dreamed possible. Peace and Love to everyone who is crying out for it. Peace and Love to the ‘it,’ the ‘who’ and to ‘everyone.’ And Peace and Love to the Peace and Love, Peace be upon you.

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