I love the expression “Innerstanding” – because it is SO Quantum!
People ask “What does Quantum mean?” My explanation is this: entering the unseen world and seeing the base-note truth from where all physical reality springs from.
Your personal Innerstanding relates to your energetic relationship with yourself. It’s your emotions, and your emotional decisions.
To put “Innerstanding” into one simple sentence, I would describe it as “choosing WHO you decide to BE.”
Your Beingness isn’t a logical decision, it’s an embodied one.
Today’s article is all about why, if you don’t have a concrete Innerstanding, you will never be understood.
And how striving to be understood will never grant you a solid Innerstanding!
I’m really looking forward to sharing this, one of my favourite topics, with you. I hope it will be enlightening for you!
What Does Innerstanding Look Like?
Innerstanding means taking an inner emotional stand for something.
This is a vital key of self-definition, because if you don’t decide what to stand for, you will fall for other people’s ideas of life – meaning these people will define your life.
From the Thriver Healing perspective, Innerstanding means being self-partnered enough to decide powerfully what is or isn’t your truth – knowing that if you don’t decide this, others will.
What you allow is what you will get and without Innerstanding you will have many unwanted and even abusive people and situations enter your reality.
This is especially true if you have had the programs and patterns of being narcissistically abused.
Many people may think they have an Innerstanding, but when push comes to shove they don’t. They capitulate, hand away power and try to make deals with life, such as “I’ll allow and go along with this, because I am trying to hang on to something or someone.”
I understand – I used to do this too! Even when I knew what I wanted, I tried to make deals. I went along, dropped my boundaries, sucked it up, tried to keep the peace and didn’t have the courage to make a stand and leave or let go.
Now I know how disappointing, detrimental and even devastating this can be.
Let’s look at some real-life examples.
Trying To Change Your Version of Me, To Feel Okay About Me
Mary is married to Peter and he belittled her. Mary continually tried to please him and be good enough for him, in order to get his approval.
Mary hoped that by doing so his treatment of her would improve and then she could feel better about herself on the inside.
It didn’t happen. It actually can’t.
The Quantum Law of ‘so within, so without’ – which is as absolute as gravity – is how earth life works (and can’t work any other way). No matter what Mary tried to do to change the “outside” (Peter), in order to feel better on the “inside”, her efforts failed. Rather, Mary continued to receive from Peter more of how she ALREADY felt on her “inside.”
Mary did not have Innerstanding.
She was not self-defined.
Mary was defined through others, especially Peter, because she hadn’t defined and stood solid in her own beliefs, values and choice.
That was until Mary found her way to our Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). She got to work with Module 1 and then worked her way through Module 2 and Modules 3 and 4.
(You can see the content of these Modules by visiting the NARP web page.)
At around the 3-month mark, Mary reported that Peter no longer triggered her. She had moved past the feelings that he was her authority and she had released her guilt, shame and the terrible hurt of his injustices. Mary had grown her own confidence, boundaries and values, such as:
“I will not respond to disrespect.”
“I know who I am. And that is not the version you speak of.”
“I don’t need you to grant me anything in order to give me my own identity” and
“I’m no longer hanging around to absorb you CRAP! (Trying to Criticise, Reject, Abandon or Punish me for being myself)”
Mary was flexing her Innerstanding muscles. She was already quietly planning her escape from the marriage and working hard with NARP to release any fears that were arising within her to do so.
She was on her way to freedom and Thriving!
Now let’s move on from Mary to Joan.
Wanting Family and Friends to Understand
Joan had been smashed by her narcissistic partner of several years. She had endured terrible discards, affairs and extremely cruel treatment. Joan was suffering from C-PTSD, felt terrible anxiety and depression, and was battling the obsessive ‘stinking thinking’ that goes with narcissistic abuse.
People in Joan’s life believed that because she had separated then she should now be fine. One close friend even told her to “just snap out of it”.
Understandably, Joan wanted people to understand and believe her regarding the insane events that had taken place.Yet the more she talked to people, the more she noticed people pulling away.
Sadly, everyone was distancing themselves from Joan and she was devastated. Joan kept sending people articles and videos and posted information about narcissists on her Facebook page, but to no avail. No-one was listening to her.
Joan didn’t know it but she was trying to alter Quantum Law. She felt terribly alone, traumatised and unsupported on the inside and was trying to change people’s behaviour on the outside in order to try to feel better on the inside.
But as it always is with Quantum Law, this is like putting a cart in front of a horse – it just goes nowhere. The more Joan tried to reverse the way life really works, the worse it backfired on her.
Joan finally found herself in our wonderful NARP community, sequentially working through her NARP Modules. At my suggestion, she also used the bonus Source Healing and Resolution Module to clear the big triggers of panic, despair and heartbreak when they erupted within her.
Joan had stopped trying to get comfort from outside of herself, and had self-partnered, turned inwards and was now dedicated to addressing the pain inside of herself. She shifted powerfully and quickly from feeling like an out-of-control, victimised woman, to feeling deeply held, supported and loved by Prime Creator / Source.
Now she was no longer showing up with others in ways that was colluding with “no-one understands me” by being frantic, needy, toxic and pushing people away with her accusatory “you don’t understand me” energy. Joan no longer ‘needed’ anyone to understand her in order to gain her own peace and Innerstanding.
She already HAD it.
Then others reflected back to her more of the same. Their validation, interest and support started flowing toward her organically.
Innerstanding means this: you are BEING it – and then it comes.
That is precisely what the word “be-come” means!
Losing It All To Get It All
Mark was in a toxic job, where many narcissists made everything incredibly unpleasant.
Because Mark believed that his job and boss was his source of security and survival, he stayed. But the price was hefty – Mark was getting sick. He had psoriasis flare-ups, ongoing congestion issues and constant headaches.
Clearly his Inner Being was telling him that he was stuck in Wrongtown! Mark was losing himself and his soul, due to not have a self-defined Innerstanding.
Mark came forth and made contact in our wonderful community because he realised he was being narcissistically abused. He knew he could not see a solution to his issue and felt powerless to leave, with his responsibility to provide for his wife and three kids.
After working with NARP, and specifically lots of Module 8 work, he got the courage to present the facts of bullying and negligent behaviour at one of the general meetings. Mark took a fearless stand for his rights and truths.
Because Mark had done so much inner shift work with NARP, he was no longer attached to outcomes. He was simply coming from the Innerstanding of “When I speak and stand in truth, without fear, the outer Universe must follow.”
To his ecstatic surprise, the big boss looked him up after the meeting and offered him a promotion in another of the company’s centres. Mark was even more thrilled to discover that this centre was free of narcissistic infiltration and he had never been happier in his working life.
Was this massive shift in circumstances a coincidence? No, of course not! It was generated from Mark’s Innerstanding. He had been prepared to lose it all to get it all – to do what was right, to stand up in conviction, conscience and integrity, no matter what.
No more was he going to sell his soul. Mark was totally determined to leave if his values weren’t respected, or even be fired if management couldn’t accept what he had to say.
Instead Quantum Law delivered – so within so without. As it must … and always does.
In Conclusion
I really believe all of us can see ourselves in these three examples and they can be applied to every area of our life.
The real questions are, where do we have energy leaks? Where are we in lack? Where do we hand our power away because of fear? Where are we dismissing what we know we need to do deep down inside because of fear, feelings of dependency, guilt or obligation, or because of needing to be defined by others?
Innerstanding is not arrogant. It is calm, powerful and peaceful. It feels great. It is absolutely ‘Righttown!’.
And the best thing of all is that it changes your life beyond recognition as you start to generate, create and enjoy the TRUE life you were born to live.
Innerstanding is Quantum, and Quanta Freedom Healing in NARP is what allows you to lose your fear and limits, shift powerfully on the inside and emerge as self-defined, backing yourself and walking the life you wish to live from the depth of your soul and spirit.
Which makes it real. This isn’t produced from mere ideas in your head.
If this article resonates with you and you would love to come and Innerstand with me in our wonderful Community then check out NARP by clicking this link.
As always I’d love to read your comments and questions about this article – drop me a line below!
This is true, my last boss was a narc & he reminded be of my ex, not in the beginning of course but I saw thru his bullshit & I had been narping a lot & I asked the universe to get me out of here without losing my income, I got hired very quickly without an interview & now I am leaving to a role I have been trying to get for years as my confidence has soared & I ace the interviews. It seems to have worked a miracle on my confidence.
Hi Heather,
I love how NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp universally lines us up with our “best”.
Wishing you many more powerful breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie!
This article is once again particularly helpful!
It’s been for the past several days a special time with Veterans Day celebrations here for me and other veterans in the USA! Normally it’s a time where I feel kind of good about myself for having served my country and done what was asked of me as a soldier. .
For some reason or another I am really struggling this year!
It, my life as soldier, was not an easy time for me. During my term of service I encountered abuse and trauma unfortunately in many and multiple ways.
Thankfully, the VA system has many opportunities for us to get the help that we might need and there seems to be an acceptance and an understanding that we might be broken or at least hurting as a result of our time in service.
This is so different in that after service I experienced abuse of an entirely different kind. over a long period of time from a narcissist. For that there was no help in the VA system.
The VA understands and has wonderful therapy and knows what to do for different trauma but when it came to the experience of narcissistic abuse not only did they not understand but family and friends and others had no clue and as a result I was left alone on an island trying to figure out what the hell had been going on and why the hell is this happening!
I was literally stuck in this place for a long time and kept searching and looking for answers. I explored the teachings of the East, etc. and a myriad of ideas that stem from various philosophy and theological practices but nothing seemed to resonate.
I was stuck trying to “understand“ why was this happening and what was this all about.
This, thankfully, article today is, AGAIN, what I would call an “eye opener“….
I love very much your reference to “inner standing“ in this wonderful post!
That is a huge key for me to help solve this ongoing riddle and confusing and enigmatic garbage or nonsense I keep going through.
(That if I continue to make the effort to do the inner work all the answers that I need and the peace I seek will come forth in both an inner and outer way!)
Anyway, the three stories in this article are extremely helpful! Expecting someone to understand I’ve found is not all that important unless I’m seeking specific therapeutic help like, for instance, at my VA hospital.
However, it’s been mostly a failure to expect others to understand.
I don’t quite yet understand losing it all to get it all but it resonates….
The idea of building a better version of me makes so much sense…if there’s anything that I wish to do for myself on this earth THAT is, iin a spiritual way, an emotional way or in any other way.what I wish to do…
I hope I’m making sense with this tonight, I’m still kind of reeling from some difficult experiences over the past couple days.
I was really glad to see this article pop up and be available tonight.
There’s so much in this that is so valuable and I hope and pray that I will be able to continue to use your guidance that you continue to show us, Melanie!
Again, I hope all of this makes sense! Thank you so much, Melanie, for all that you do for other human beings on this planet earth!
Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
All the best to you, Peter and thank you for your service. Great article by Melanie! She’s wonderful!
Hi Peter,
I love that “innerstanding” deeply resonates with you.
You truly are a force of inspiration for many others who have been through similar traumas to you!
Thank you for your lovely post
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Sending so many blessings to you Peter,
in your coming home and Innerstanding.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Peter,
I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and vulnerable, it shows incredible strength and helped me to understand, an added bonus to Mel’s great article! For someone that has seen the worst possible horrors to yet sounding so loving and kind, it also sounds as though you have found an area within the VA community, maybe this is part of your so within journey, im excited to hear about your journey and learn myself also 🙏 best wishes, Cecilia x ps Mel a truly fantastic article to read first thing in the morning, thank you 😘
Maybe what leaves you devastated after a long relationship with a narcissist is the fact that your empathic/kind soul has been constantly ready to give love and support to someone that is perceived as devoid of compassion and love. You fell your love will make him/her change and join the ‘cooperative’ loving ‘supporting each other’ relationship that for you defines a marriage, in my case. When love doesn’t work, one feels like nothing will work. Nevertheless, it is crucial to leave the narcissist to his own bubble of selfishness and invest that love in yourself and the people you love, your children, friends and family if they are still there for you.
Dear Melanie,
This was very helpful and inspirational for me. I think the have to lose it all to get it all is something fear has held me back with. I’m trying to trust myself and believe I will be ok. I am in the midst of a divorce ( but still living together). Every time I have fear and hope he will change his mind, he says something awful and degrading to me and reminds me why I need to not be in this anymore. 30 years of conditioning. It’s so hard. I’m working on my inner being and really hoping I’m ok in the end. I want to believe I will. Thank you for all that you do.
Sincerely, Justine
Hi Justine,
I’d love to send you power, strength and hope.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ? By being a part of our wonderful community you have access to powerful healing modules, coaching and support from our incredible NARP community, who for years have been helping people like you get free and on your feet.
You don’t have to do this alone.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this concept of innerstanding.
I have now accepted and understood the fear that underlies the narcissist insecurity.
I have huge compassion for that and I am now able to welcome my own compassion for the narcissist without allowing my compassion to blind me into trying to make the world safe for the narcissist. It doesn’t serve him if I take care of his fear. He has to find his own way through that. I am learning how to stand in my compassion in a different way.
I now understand that it is far too scary for the narcissist to own the abusive part of their behaviour. Their fear directs them to deny it ever happened, to invalidate you being the recipient of that behaviour, and also directs them in a strange way to reframe it as their care for you. This is gaslighting in a nutshell, leaving you reeling with the “mindfuck”. This is confusing, and disorientating for the recipient, and it serves us well to give up seeking understanding from others, except for those that really can understand in a genuine way. The innerstanding is to know that a very difficult interplay of denial dynamics is playing out, and we can stand in our own understanding of ourselves. It’s hard enough work gaining our own understanding. It is almost impossible for others to understand. Having been put in that position, we can now step out of the position we found ourselves in, and welcome ourselves into new creativity and self-partnering. This way I am choosing to find a new partner, knowing that my antennae will be watching out for the overt or covert narcissist, so I won’t choose to step into that place again. I am naturally empathic. This can attract narcissists. However, if I am clear that I can be compassionate without my compassion being taken advantage of, I am safe. It is now safe for me to love without my love being taken advantage of. It is now also safe for me to be genuine without being attacked for it, and to hold all my prinicples and insights without having them attacked and dismantled to help the cause of the narcissist. It is now safe again to be me; and with an upgrade from where I was!
Innerstanding is a new place to stand.
I adore everything that you have written here Vicki!
Very powerful!
Thank you 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Always Awesome Melanie!
Sure wish I had listened better Sixty odd year’s ago…and then understood…
“Sticks and Stones can Break Your Bones…BUT WORDS…Can never Hurt You” (unless we believe them!)
Unfortunately I did believe them…My Bad!
Cheers!
James
Hi James,
we ALL did!
But now … we know not to!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Bless you Melanie!! I am going through a major Joan moment!!! It’s been so hard and I’ve been through so much. I do use NARP but feel beyond overwhelmed. I struggle with the feelings of loss when people don’t give me the type of unconditional understanding I give to them — knowing as they do that I’ve been through more than they can imagine, but judging me for it, instead of helping me through it. I want to make the shifts you speak of so much! I will keep going. Please give me strength because it’s hard sometimes to believe I can get there, but I know it’s possible! You show me it is 🙏
Hi Elle,
Are you in our wonderful NARP member’s forum? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
There is so much love, support and coaching (all free with Gold NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp) in there for you!
This is my highest suggestion for you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Vicki, for your well-written description of some of the dynamics of gaslighting and how narcs operate. It has been so tricky to navigate the automatic compassionate response in myself as I am in the process of divorcing the narc husband of 42 years while still living in the same house. I’m also getting all the usual anger, denial, gaslighting and blame-shifting that messes with your head, but at least now I know how to get quiet within myself to sort out the truth of my soul’s wisdom from the brainwashing.
That, of course, is the essence of “innerstanding,” but for me standing in my truth was one of the hardest things to achieve in order to tell him our marriage was over. I had to do 2 or 3 QFH shifts a day for a long time in order to help my frightened inner child calm her survival fears from a very unsafe childhood. The key was having faith that NARP, meditation and believing in Source would eventually work, and it did! I feel freer than I ever have in my whole life, and I am making all my decisions based on what’s best for me for the first time in my life.
thanks!
Like attracts like. Whatever we are vining outward from our chest…. We attract more of that type of situation …
You are such a blessing Melanie, thank you so much for this wonderful post.
Thank you Deinfa for your lovely comment!
You are very welcome 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋